


Punishment

by Crystal_Grace



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkwardness, Blood and Injury, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dialogue Heavy, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fear, Feelings, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Forgiveness, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Confidence, Health Issues, Helping Solas with his plans, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internal Conflict, Language, Long, Love Confessions, Making Love, Modern Girl in Thedas, Music, Not Beta Read, Not a Pity-Party, POV First Person, Pain, Personal Growth, Pining, Present Tense, Redemption, References to Depression, Romance, Secrets, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Social Anxiety, Solas Being Solas, Solas Smut, Solas is Fen'Harel, Tension, The Fade, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Weakness, Wordcount: Over 300.000, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, learning to live, spirit friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-22 08:09:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 125
Words: 394,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13162824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crystal_Grace/pseuds/Crystal_Grace
Summary: Grace loves Dragon Age and is in love with a fictional character: Solas. After a failed suicide attempt, she is offered the chance to continue living in Thedas instead of dealing with the terrible consequences of her actions. She accepts even though she knows she will be herself, with all the issues she has, and won't be able to be affected by healing magic or potions. She can't die, but if she happens to not-die she will suffer terribly.She is now the Herald, a really weak one, unable to defend herself, and she finds out she has magic, but doesn't know how to use it. She must learn how to fight, how to live with her issues, how to overcome her own ghosts and the dificulties that come with being in Thedas.This story can be dark and heavy in the beginning, she really loathes herself, but it has nice moments and eventually she gets better. It has a big focus on friendship and self-discovery.The story is told slowly, with almost no skips in time, in order to show how she deals with herself. It's almost a day-to-day telling of her new life, so be prepared for slow development.





	1. Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a therapy of sorts. It is for me to find out things about myself and a friend liked it enough that she thought it should be shared. I hope you like it, but if you don't, at least don't be harsh.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace is sent to Thedas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** 21.04.2018- Last edit(I hope so). The story is now betaed and this should be the final version. Thank you Calwyn for doing this! <3 Some minor changes happened along the several edits it suffered, but the story is the same. ***

 

 

 

I should start by saying that this was _not_ what I had in mind when I decided to end what I thought was a bad life. We think we can't handle what we have, until we are thrown into something even worse. I know I used to think this would be a good life, heh, I spent so many hours playing this game, immersing myself in it, dreaming about it, reading about it; everything to try and be part of what I thought was a better life. Well, in this, and in many other aspects, I was wrong.

Do you know that movie, where a crazy guy goes and gets people who throw away their lives doing stupid things and puts them in a shitty situation; one where they have to do extreme things if they want to live? So they can value life? Well, something similar happened to me; but instead of a dark room with torture tools, I went to the world I used to dream about, to meet people I thought would be awesome to meet, and have every sort of challenge just thrown my way to deal with. You would probably think that I would try to kill myself again at the first opportunity when things got really bad, right? After all, if I tried it because things were bad, then I would do it again, right? Well, I can't die. If I get myself in a situation where that would happen, I get the worst kind of pain I could ever bear. Then you might think ‘magic can fix everything’. Well, I can't be affected by healing magic.

How can I learn to love living when everything is hell? Including that which I thought would be paradise? Well, a wicked sort of paradise anyway.

If you don't mind some sadness and some really shitty behavior along the way, stick with me while I tell you this story. Who knows, maybe there is happiness somewhere. At least I should hope so. I wouldn't be put in this just to suffer, _would I_?

 

*******

 

Everything is so dark, it shouldn't be this dark. And why can't I hear anything? Hmm. This isn't my bed _._ I try to focus somewhere, but there is nowhere to look, everything is black, as if I never opened my eyes to begin with. And the ground, the ground is... What is this? Mud?

Where am I? I don't remember getting here. What was I doing again? I sit, crossing my legs in front of me and clean my hands on my thighs before rubbing my eyes, but nothing clears my vision. The silence is maddening. There is some sort of pressure in the air and I can't figure out the reason.

“Hello? Anyone there?” I call, already thinking that it wouldn't do anything. Could this be a dream? Well, wouldn't be my first crazy dream. I take a really deep breath. At least there aren't dark waters with crocodiles.

Nobody answers. Heh, figures. I try to stand up, thinking that staying there wouldn't do me any good, but the ground is very slippery and I fall, hitting my chin straight against the weird floor. Now I smell blood and feel something warm on my chin. Great, I'm bleeding and contaminated by whatever is on the ground. Urgh. I shiver, thinking just how disgusting that is.

I try to stand up, more carefully this time. After trying to clean my hands on my shirt, hoping that this weird substance is not already all over my clothes. I try to clean my chin and notice that thankfully it was not a big cut.

The first few steps are hard to take, but then the ground becomes more solid and less wet. I walk with my hands in front of me, trying to feel ahead, but I don't come in contact with anything. What the hell is this place? But just as those words cross my mind, there is a sudden gust of wind. The subtle smell of blood from when I hurt myself fades and is replaced by the horrible stench of rotten meat. It is so strong I can't even breathe, I start coughing and gasping, I just can't get enough oxygen without breathing that foul thing, and I can't breathe it, I just can't. Even trying to breathe through my mouth, I get such a sick feeling that I think I would just puke right there. My chest starts burning and I think I'm going to faint. Shit, I don't want to faint! I don't want to die!

And then, suddenly, there is no more stench. I can breathe normally. And I waste no time in taking large breaths and start coughing from breathing too fast. There is another gust of wind, bringing the refreshing aroma of the sea. But I still can't see or hear anything. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with that lovely aroma and calm down.

I start walking again, and I start getting tired after some unknown minutes. Seriously? Is this place endless? What the fuck was I thinking when I went to sleep? This is a nightmare, no chance this is real. And then, just like that, the sea smell is gone and I hear the piercing sound of some creature wailing, followed by the dreadful sound of an emergency siren. Hell no, not that damn siren! I hate that siren! And it only gets worse, louder. I start panicking, and tears stream down my face because of it, I can't think about anything anymore and I kneel on the ground covering my ears and hoping that it will just be silent again. Not that siren, not that siren! I start mumbling to try and make the sound of my voice cover that dreadful sound. Please not that siren, please make it stop, god make it stop, make it stop! My throat is dry from screaming and crying and then suddenly there is no sound again. I take a deep breath, exhausted. Thank god that stopped.

“This isn't fair. What kind of nightmare just puts all this shit together?”

And I shouldn't have said that, I realize but a second later, when the wailing creature jumps in front of my face, making me fall back on my butt and I try to desperately get away. But after I blink a couple of times, there is nothing in front of me, just darkness.

“What.. the... What the fuck is this fucking place?! God damn it! I want out!” I scream to whoever would listen, and oh I should have learnt the first time.

The dreadful face jumps in front of me again, deep blood coloured eyes, rows after rows of sharpened teeth, and oh such a foul breath. That awful rotten meat stench, breathing right into my face. It screeches and I can't do anything but cover my ears. There is no helping it, it is just too loud, too piercing, and I feel blood through my fingers.

I close my eyes to try and hide the only thing I can see in that whole darkness and start whimpering, hoping that this nightmare would end. The sound is over, I wonder if I'm deaf, the stench is there as is the subtle air movement caused by it breathing right in front of my face. I'm so afraid of opening my eyes, and I'm frozen, scared of moving. I try to calm down. Against all reason, I feel somehow that if I just calm down it will go away and things will be better again. And after some tense minutes the stench is gone, and the air is still once again. I was never more thankful for stillness and I hate it when the air is still.

So, I'm bleeding, probably deaf, covered in some unknown shit and being hunted by some really ugly thing. Great! What a lovely nightmare. I feel a bit disoriented, but I manage to get up. I should try to check if I'm deaf, but... what if that thing comes back if I try to make a sound? I try to walk again, and I keep walking some more minutes. I keep getting these thoughts that don't seem to be mine, telling me to calm down, to think about some good thing and not to think about bad things at all. Heh, why not? Listening to my sixth sense helped that time. So I do it, I keep trying to breathe, calm down, and not think about anything bad.

Pretty sea, pretty forest, my cats, stars, wind going through leaves, sea, Solas, oh such a pretty face, Solas... pretty forest, stars, refreshing wind... I continue like that while walking, never tripping over, never slipping, never bumping into anything. Some unknown minutes later I can smell the sweet salty aroma of the sea again, and I can't help smiling. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with that lovely aroma again. God, I miss the sea. And then I hear the waves crashing against the shore. Oh, I'm not deaf! I smile in relief, I'm really happy in that moment and that inner voice keeps telling me to continue thinking about good things, so I focus on what I'm smelling and hearing: the sea. What would I want to see? Hmm... seashells? No, they would hurt my feet... my.. feet? I realize then, that I'm barefoot. Some curses slip through my mind and the sound of the sea is gone. I understand right then that whenever I'm in contact with bad energies this place gets worse, so I immediately try to remedy that. Pretty sea, soft warm sand, nice sea air... The sound is back and I breathe relieved. Alright, let's continue... sea, pretty sea, nice warm and soft sand, nice wind...

And after some minutes of that mantra, trying to build what would be a nice beach scene the place starts to change even more. The wind is stronger, moving through my hair, refreshing my face; the sound of the waves fills the place, as if I'm right in the middle of a beach, and then I feel the sand between my toes. I wiggle them and feel the softness of the many grains, such a comfortable, _warm_ feeling. Spreading my arms I try to enjoy the nice wind. I close my eyes that aren't seeing anything anyway, and turn around a few times, feeling the sand under my feet.

As I take some more deep breaths I open my eyes, and see really pretty stars above the beautiful ocean, shining with the waves moving and the massive moon shining over it, reflected in all its greatness. I sigh, speechless. Such a pretty place that I never got to see before... before... before what? I start feeling tense and remember that I shouldn't think about anything bad, so I sit down and just enjoy the place.

After a few minutes of peace, I feel a presence beside me. It's a person, but I can't identify or recognize them. I just feel so peaceful when I'm next to them, so I don't mind.

“I'm glad to see you found peace so fast.” Such a calming voice, I can't figure out if it's a male or a female, but I don't care; it's nice and I could listen to it the whole day, or night as it was here.

“Fast? I wouldn't say that it was fast, no.”

“Well, some people can be lost for countless years if that makes you feel any better.”

“Lost in a dream?”

“This isn't a dream, child. But I see you don't remember what happened.”

I frown and try to take a better look at the person, but I can't see any features, it's like there is some sort of veil in front of the face, and their clothes are like a really loose sort of dress. They are sitting beside me, relaxed, stretched legs in front of the body while the arms are loosely over their thighs.

“If it isn't a dream, what is this? What happened?”

“You were given a second chance.”

“Second chance?”

“Yes. You remember you don't feel good about your life, right?”

“Heh, you got no idea.” I sigh, and immediately try to focus so I wouldn't get carried away by all the bad thoughts that come when I get in that train of thought, and I definitely don't want to trade this awesome beach for that foul creature.

“Good, keep those thoughts away.”

Wait, they can hear my thoughts? Wait, was this person the one in my head then?

“Can you get in my head?”

“No. But I can feel the changes in your aura and I can influence it so that you can get the kind of feeling you need, it becomes thoughts if you allow it.”

“Are you a spirit then?”

“Something like it. You don't need to worry about me. You need to think about you.”

“Right. Me. So, you said second chance. Second chance to do what?”

“To live.”

“Live? Am I dead?”

“No, but you could be. You tried to end your life, but you failed. You have a good spirit, so you were given a second chance. Instead of living the rest of the one you had with awful consequences, you will live another life.”

“So... I'm not dead, but I'm reincarnating anyway? I thought there was a whole process before reincarnating. And wait! I can't reincarnate yet! What about the next Dragon Age?! Or the next Mass Effect?! And all of those games I never got to play?! I can't die! I can't start it all over again, I might never get to play them in my new life!”

The place around shakes for a second and the person puts one hand on my shoulder, sending forth a calming energy through me, thus stabilizing the place.

“Calm down. Breathe. Calm down. Think good things.”

I sigh, close my eyes and try to calm down. Oh well... what's done is done... so I finally lost the battle and decided to kill myself? Urgh.. stupid stupid... no.. no bad thoughts... nice sea.. nice wind... pretty sky with stars...

“You won't be able to play those games anymore, even if you don't accept the second chance you got. Because of the state you're in, that wouldn't be possible. Try not to think about it. I know you wouldn't want that kind of life, so I came here to tell you about your second chance, because it won't be an easy life, far from it. But that is the point. If you don't want to try it, you will go back to your previous life, and we both know that what you're going to find there would only make you more miserable. You won't be able to die, but you wouldn't be able to live either. You would spend the rest of your life with the reminder of your mistake, without being able to do anything about it, and that is the kind of punishment that I don't want for you.”

“Wow, that is heavy. So I really screwed it up, uh? Well, what is my second chance then? Whatever harshness it has, it is better than what expects me back home.”

“You already knew that many fictions that end up in Earth are recollections of memories that were gathered when the person was a spirit, right?” I nod and they continue. “So, that game you love so much, that you wanted so badly to be a part of, with that man that you would never be able to have for yourself...”

“Inquisition?”

“Yes. The game might be a fiction, but the world is not.”

“Are you serious?! And wait, are you saying that my second chance is there?”

“You shouldn't be so excited. That place is not what you expect it to be. It is one thing to play it, to live through it is another thing entirely.”

“Medieval stuff right? Swords, bows, magic? I always wanted to use those things! And there are elves! Oh my god, Solas!”

“Grace, focus. If you accept, you won't be playing a character, you will be living a life, with every issue that comes with it.”

“And all the advantages too, right? Oooooh magic! Can I be an elf?”

“Focus, child. The advantages would be few, this is your punishment after all. And you would be yourself, just as you are.”

“Oh... that means Solas wouldn't like me.” I sigh and take a deep breath. “Punishment uh? I can already see it. Well, at least it's better than being stuck in whatever state I ended up in.”

“So you accept your second chance?”

“I do.”

The beach suddenly is gone and I look around. I'm right in the middle of a hallway. Stone walls and floors, candle light illuminating the place, and I feel very _very_ cold. The person is standing in front of me.

“So, this is where we go our separate ways. I hope not to see you any time soon.” I can see a smile under the veil. “This life won't be easy, but you have every chance for happiness if you work for it. Since this is your punishment, you won't be able to die, remember this. Should you ever be in a situation where you would die, you will feel unbearable pain. And you won't have the capacity to be healed by magic. You will be just as you are, with every problem you bear you will have to learn how to deal with them.”

“Alright. May I know your name?”

“It's unimportant. We will meet again when your time is over, then we will hopefully be able to talk properly. Remember: learn to live, enjoy your life, think good things, focus.”

“Alright. Thank you for helping me.”

And with that the person is gone and I feel some pressure inside of my chest, my vision becomes blurry and I close my eyes with a gasp. I smell blood, fresh blood and open my eyes. There are soldiers in front of me, some Templars and a few Grey Wardens laying on the floor, dead. I shiver. Shit, dead people, they are dead, they are fucking dead! I feel nauseous, but then I remember that person’s words: think good things, focus. I take a deep breath, and god that is an awful smell, blood, I never liked the smell of blood, but I calm down a bit, only to be startled by a scream.

“Someone, help me!” An old woman cries from somewhere close, and from what I know about this game, and the trail of corpses, I get a really good idea of who that person is; and shit, I know who I'm going to be in this world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20.07.2018 - I just created an e-mail in case you liked the story and want to chat :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - betaed version by Calwyn)  
> Thank you for the Kudos! It surprised me when I saw them <3

I wake up in a really uncomfortable bed, but that is the least of my problems. My whole body hurts like it has never hurt before, and I've been through a lot of pain. The worst is my arm. I cry and mumble words in agony. I want to move, to see if it will help, but the pain is too much and I cry out louder. Before I can even realize what has happened, I see a slender figure approaching me, the last thing I see before I pass out from the pain is a hand trying to reach for me.

I wake up again, I don't know how much time has passed and the pain still haunts my whole body; but at least my arm doesn't hurt so much. Got to take good things where they come, right? Not that I can find it in myself to be that thankful about it at this moment; my legs are burning inside as if my bones are trying to melt me from within, a familiar pain, but  _ so  _ much stronger. I cry out in pain again, and even faster than before, I see those hands on me. This time I see that they are really pretty hands, and that thought takes me from the pain for a few seconds. I like pretty things. Too bad it couldn't be longer. I can hear muffled sounds, I think the person is saying something but the pressure inside my head is too much. I can't hear anything but the sound of my own blood pumping. Then a really sharp pain spiking inside my head makes me pass out again.

I feel sore, but the strong pain has faded somewhat, allowing me to pay attention to my surroundings. I open my eyes and realize I'm inside a really dark place. My mouth is dry, my eyes burn, my body is too heavy and I can't even lift my head to look around. I try to breathe and think about the last thing that happened to me and I remember that person talking to me on a beach. Second chance in Thedas. I try to take in my surroundings and I smell mold, old blood and something else unknown to me. I can only hope that the quantity of mold won't trigger an allergic reaction. So I assume I'm in the cells, about to meet Cassandra and Leliana if everything follows the game script. It sucks to be stuck staring at the ceiling. I don't have the strength to move my head.

I hear the sound of really subtle steps and try to look at the source, but my head won't obey me and I whimper in annoyance.

“Stay still, you are weak.” A smooth and familiar voice tells me. Oh my god, Solas! I'm so excited. I would recognize that voice anywhere, even if it is not the same voice, no other person could speak like that. Of course it is not the same voice he has in the game, after all he is a real person here, but god, such a handsome voice still! I want to see his face! Come on body, move!

But my body won't move. I can do nothing but stare at the ceiling. I don't know if I should try to speak. Hell, what would I even say? I hear him set something near me and I can feel that he is looking at me, but I can't see him, I try to move my eyes in his direction and they hurt so I stop.

“The mark is stable for now, but your injuries will not heal.” He states plainly. He waits a few more seconds and I don't say anything. He continues. “The Seeker wants answers but I do not think you are in any condition to provide them.”

I try to get some words out, but my throat is too dry, my voice is too rough and it hurts to speak, so I frown and give up. He gently lifts my head and even then I whimper with the movement.

“I apologize, I do not know what else I can do to help you with the pain. Nothing seems to work.” He brings a small mug of water to my lips and I manage to drink some. Swallowing hurts of course. At this point I wonder what doesn't.

“T..tha-” I cough and whimper but I force myself to continue. “Thank you.”

He gives me some more water and then leans my head back to the simple pillow. I still couldn't see his face and I sigh in annoyance.

“Try and rest some more while you can. I will try to hold the Seeker for a few more hours, but we might not have enough time. We might need your help, even if you are in no condition to give it. And I apologize for it.”

At this point I wonder if he is apologizing for not being able to help me, or for it being his fault to begin with that I have this thing on my hand. If he only knew that I chose to be here. Of course I didn't know I would be bearing the mark, but I knew what kind of world would be expecting me. I hear him stand up and take the object away. I sigh again, annoyed that I'm alone once more. I wanted to be around him some more. It's weird but his presence makes me feel good. That can't be just something in my head, can it? In any case, I can't move, that Breach is growing, this mark will be spreading again soon and Cassandra will not be nice to me. And the pain is coming back, shit. Punishment, I should remember this for what it is. I try to let my consciousness slip away and fall asleep not long after, being tired beyond help has its perks. At least asleep I don't feel the pain. And it is not this time that I discover the Fade.

Loud noises wake me up, and I whimper in pain when I try to look at the source. My head moves finally and I'm able to see that there are two guards standing near the door. One of them, after noticing I'm awake, turns around and goes through the door. Here it begins _. _ Moving my head back to look at the ceiling, I hear someone approach me, heavy footsteps that seem to be accompanied of metal. He will bind me, shit.

“Sit up, prisoner.” He says, voice as harsh as it should be, I guess. He obviously doesn't care about me and clearly thinks I'm guilty.

I don't want to make this even more painful, so I try to sit up, but at the first attempt to move I feel a sharp pain along the back of my legs that goes straight to my spine. I whimper but he seems not to care, he just pulls me up and before I can say anything he is putting those manacles around my wrists. The pain on my back and legs is so strong then that tears start falling from my eyes. He still doesn't seem affected by my suffering. He adjusts me on the bed so I'm sitting, but it is so low that my feet touch the ground almost immediately and my hands fall between my knees. Not a comfortable position, even if I like to have my knees close to my chest when I sit.

“Stay like that and don't even try to move.” He lets his hands fall over the pommel of the sword hanging on his hip and just keeps watching me. Those manacles are so damn heavy, I don't think I could move even if I were not in pain. I try to breathe, try to think about good things as that person told me to do, but the pain is so strong. Why does it hurt so much?

Not much longer, the door opens and I see a woman coming through. She looks different than I expected. She has a scar on her face alright, but her hair is not short. At least not like it was in the game. The black strands are tucked behind her ears and are longer by the nape, no sign of that ridiculous little braid. She approaches me and of course the first thing she does is threaten me. From everything that I know about the woman, if she wasn't threatening me then I would be really surprised with how this world could be so different.

“Everyone who attended the Conclave is dead, everyone but you!” She points her finger right at my eyes and continues. “Tell me how you came out from the Fade!”

I'm surprised by the different choice of words, but even if she used the ones I was used to, what should I tell her? Should I choose one of the options that the game gave me? How can I not make her even angrier? I definitely cannot tell her the truth. She wouldn't believe me anyway. She apparently doesn't agree with me taking time to think about an answer and just grabs my hand, making my shoulder make a loud pop, to which her eyes get wide in surprise, but she frowns again after I whimper in pain and just continues.

“Explain this!”

Shit, I need to say something. I don't want to be tortured and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be so kind as to not attempt that for answers. The Divine is dead and that is grave for them. Game script it is.

“I-” My voice is rough and I cough, but I force myself to continue “I can't.”

“What do you mean you can't?”

“I don't-” I cough, even harder this time, making a screech noise in the process, which alarms her yet again, but I try to continue. “I don't know what that is.” And I cough some more, tears start pooling in my eyes by the effort and the sudden wetness makes them burn a little, and to make it even better my chest hurts. My hand flairs green and I can feel it tingling trying to move up my arm. That seems to take Cassandra out of the surprise of my coughing crisis and she unsheathes her sword, threatening me with it under my chin. Damn, that looks sharp.

“You're lying!” She looks so mad that I'm really scared now. Leliana comes out from the shadows and I notice her in the room for the first time. Well, at least she looks the same, I think. She grabs Cassandra's hand and looking straight into her eyes she says:

“We need her, Cassandra!” Cassandra then paces around, trying to gather her thoughts I assume, she looks really unstable. Well, guess I can't blame her. Leliana approaches me and continues, well, at least she is putting up a better face than her friend. Count on a master of the Game to play nice in an interrogation. “Can you tell us what happened? Before you got here?”

I sigh. I can't tell them what happened, and... what the hell? I really don't remember anything between my time on the beach and waking up in this bed. I guess that demon really eats up memories. Game script it is again. Let's hope it works.

“I remember run-” I cough, briefly this time at least, god my throat burns, “running, and then... a woman, I guess?” And more coughing. Shit, this hurts, I can't barely breathe anymore.

“A woman?” Leliana repeats, as if talking to herself. Cassandra comes to her side and whispers something in her ear, she nods and leaves.

“You're coming with me.” The warrior tells me, grabbing me by the chain attached to the manacles. Now I feel like a chained dog, great.

When she pulls me to stand up my legs falter and I almost fall, I cry in pain and try to hold onto the bed so I don't end up on the ground, but she doesn't allow me much time to recover, pulling on the chain once again. Shit, everything hurts. I start crying as silently as possible, trying to follow her even though my body screams at me for making it move.

“Solas tells us that thing on your hand is our only chance for fixing that monstrosity.” She says while pulling me up the stairs. My legs burn as I try to make the way up but she doesn't care as I whimper with each step. “So you're going to fix it.”

I know what she means, but I can't let her know that I know. God my head hurts, I need to think about something to say. Staying silent about it will make her suspicious.

“What monstrosity? What happened?” At least I'm not coughing anymore, but the pain that is everywhere doesn't seem like it will be going away any time soon. My face is full of dried and fresh tears, but she doesn't care and pulls me up the last two steps and I almost fall, but she supports me by holding my arm. If I didn't know better I would think she was trying to help me, but I know better.

“You'll see soon enough.” She says as she continues, and as she approaches the door, one of the guards opens it up for us. “If you didn't cause it and aren't lying to me, that is.” She looks me with such hateful eyes that I wonder if that is the same woman that can be so cute and flustered when approached by romance.

She pulls me through the door and I'm hit by the cold air. Damn that is cold. Oh my god, that is snow! The brief happiness is interrupted by her telling me about the breach in the sky.

“We call it the Breach. It's a massive rift into the Fade that grows larger with each passing hour. It's not the only one, just the largest. All of them caused by the explosion at the Conclave. The explosion that you alone survived.”

“It's... huge.” I can't think straight after looking at it. The thing would be beautiful if it wasn't pulsing along with the mark on my hand, and if it wasn't trying to kill so many people. Well, beauty can be deadly, that is something true everywhere I suppose.

“And you are going to close it.” She ordered me, she didn't ask, she didn't assume, she ordered me. I guess if I don't close that thing she will kill me. Good thing I know I can close it, right? Well, I hope so. God, it's so damn cold! I like the cold but I'm not used to this, and my body hurts! I don't want to move! That bed is uncomfortable but at least it's warm.

She pulls me and I almost slip on the snow, which causes me to strain my body even further. Great. Just great. Things just keep getting better. Punishment. This is my punishment. Oh and it sure feels like it.

As she “guides” me through the village I can see the people staring at me like I'm the most evil thing in the planet. Such murderous glares. Geez. I can understand them but it doesn't make me feel any better. She notices me looking at them and says:

“They have decided your guilt. They need it.” As if you haven't. I sigh. She seemed to notice my reaction and continues. “The Most Holy is dead and they mourn her. I mourn her. But I should remember her teachings.” She sighs and turns to me, looking me in the eyes as if looking straight through me and I got no idea what could be going inside her head. “I can promise you a trial, no more.”

“Couldn't ask you for anything else.” She looks a bit surprised by my answer and continues to bring a key from one of the pockets in her belt and opens the manacles, giving them to the guard near the large gate which I assume is the one that will lead me straight into demon territory. A shiver runs through my spine at the thought. I can't fight, I'm in pain, shit. They told me I can't die but what would Cassandra think if she finds that out?

Not much farther from the gate, the Breach pulses a big wave and the mark follows right along, and hell, that pain is overwhelming and I go straight to my knees, crying loud in pain. She comes to me alarmed, but then holds back and simply offers her hand for me to grab so I can stand up again. After a few seconds, the sudden piercing pain is gone, but my hand is completely numb, my arm feels tingly and I grab her hand with my right one, she seems to notice that won't be enough and just helps me up with both hands.

“Each time the Breach expands your mark spreads. And it is killing you.” She states plainly.

I try to focus, breathing slowly, trying to feel something other than pain. It is not easy. She becomes restless and continues:

“Come. We must test it on a smaller rift, the pulses are coming faster now and you might be our only hope.”

I continue following her, and we get to that damn bridge that I know will break as soon as I get to the middle of it. Or maybe that was just Bioware being mean. Yes, think positive things. The bridge won't collapse. Cassandra is staring at me with an annoyed face, I take a deep breath and start walking again. I get to the middle of the bridge and it doesn't collapse. Good, keep going, keep going. When I'm almost at the other side of the bridge, the Breach expands again and the pulse throws me straight to the ground once more. A Fade meteor hits the ground not much farther than where I am but it doesn't hit the bridge. I would be relieved if I wasn't in such astounding amount of pain. Damn, Solas, this thing hurts! Cassandra comes to me and helps me up again. I can see some amount of compassion in her eyes. I guess she isn't as mean as she first made me think then.

Sounds of battle come not so far from the bridge and I can see that the demons that came from that meteor are fighting some soldiers. My warrior companion, or should I say my jailor? I really don't know what Cassandra is at this point. Anyway, she runs immediately towards the demons and helps the men kill them easily. Sharp sword indeed. She motions for me to follow after she sheathes her sword and I comply.

Far over some hills I can see the green shine of a rift, but my hand only reacts to it after we're about twenty meters from it. I wonder if the range will increase as I get stronger. I laugh at the thought. As if I could ever become stronger, especially in a place like this. This is no game, Grace.

“We are close to the rift, you can hear the fighting!” She says and runs straight ahead. I got a good idea of who are there but I ask nonetheless.

“Who is fighting?”

“You'll see soon. We must help them!” And off she goes down the hill and into some ruins where the small rift floats in the air, with a couple of demons around it fighting Varric and Solas. Oh Solas. I can't believe I'm finally going to see his face!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She finally sees Solas and the large rift is closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - Betaed version by Calwyn.)

After being dazed for some seconds I decide to go down the hill slowly, after all, I don't know how to fight and would only get in the way, not to mention hurt. Battle is over and I approach. His eyes lock on my figure and I freeze. God, he is handsome. He quickly grabs my hand and I whimper at the sudden movement, my body still hurts all over.

“Sorry, we must seal it quickly!” He points my hand with the mark towards the rift and I feel his magic going through my arm, and right after his magic hits me the mark reacts and links with the rift. I feel as if the tingling only got more intense and after a few seconds the rift closes, but the energy pushes me backwards; that plus me being weak and in pain makes me almost fall down, which causes him to hold me with both arms to support me up. After the humming in my head stops I look at him and I see the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen. I can't help but sigh at the sight and he tilts his head in confusion.

“I... thank you.” I stand up properly, fiddling with my shirt and he removes his hands from me. I look at my hand and to where the rift was and can only think of how weird that feeling is. And I'll be doing a lot more of it. Well, gotta act surprised. “How... what did you do?”

“I did nothing, the credit is yours.” God, he is gorgeous.

“You mean this mark on my hand.” I look at it, trying to focus. Don't stare at the god, stupid.

“Whatever magic opened the Breach in the sky also placed that mark upon your hand. I theorized the mark may be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach's wake. And it seems I was correct.” He states proudly. Oh Solas, you would know everything about it wouldn't you? And oh I could listen to you talk until I'm dead.

“Meaning it  _ could _ also close the Breach itself.” Cassandra approaches us and states, but it sounds more like a question.

“Possibly.” And then Solas decides to play humble. Man, that persona does not fit you. “It seems you hold the key to our salvation.”

“Good to know. Here I thought we would be ass-deep in demons forever.” Varric says, more casually than I could ever imagine someone being in this situation. I don't think the game did him justice at that point. “Varric Tethras, rogue and storyteller.”

“Pleased to meet you.” I say with a large smile. That dwarf is such a nice guy, can't not like him! God I hope I don't have to kill Hawke, I'd hate to see him sad.

“You may reconsider that stance in time,” Solas adds in. I always wondered what he meant by that, it's not like he didn't get along with Varric. Well, maybe it was one of his many faces.

“Oh I'm sure we will become great friends in the valley, Chuckles!”

“Absolutely not!” Cassandra snaps at the poor dwarf. So much hatred in this woman.

“Have you been in the valley lately, Seeker? Your soldiers need help,  **you** need my help.”

“Cassandra, right?” I approach her and she seems surprised, I wonder why... Go on, go on! “I can't fight. Like, at all. If I have any say in this, I'd like him to come along.”

“See.” Varric smiles. “Two against one.”

“Fine. Urgh.” She says, very annoyed, and continues. “And what do you mean you can't fight?”

“I can't fight. With anything.”

“What were you doing in the Conclave with no means for protection?”

“Well, it's not like everyone there was looking for a fight, is it?” God I hope that is enough of an excuse. I mean, does everyone in this place learns to fight?

“A curious eye?” Varric says and laughs. “Well, good thing your curiosity got us the mark then.”

“My name is Solas if there are to be introductions. I am pleased to see you standing.” That smile will be the death of me. Focus, Grace, focus!

“He means 'I kept the mark from spreading while you slept'”. Varric adds.

“I...” Act casually, girl! “I thought I recognized your voice. So it was you taking care of me. Thank you.” And I can't help but look at him as if he was the most marvelous thing in the universe. Shit, focus, focus. I manage to get my eyes to the ground but I think I blush, shit.

“I think Chuckles got a fan already.” Varric laughs and I got no courage to look Solas in the face to see his reaction. After a few seconds in which I suppose he is analyzing my behavior, that man is always analyzing everything, he says:

“Cassandra, your prisoner is a mage-” Wha.. what? What do you mean? They said I would be myself with no skills whatsoever! This is not possible! I look at him so surprised that he almost chokes on his explanation, but he recovers and continues. “But I find it difficult that any mage would have such power. It is unlike any I have ever seen.”

“You are a mage?!” Cassandra snaps at me really mad, god I'm afraid of this woman, she is too intimidating! “You just told us you can't fight!”

“And I can't! I got no idea what he is talking about! I have no magic! Woa..” I suddenly get dizzy and my legs almost falter, but I can recover before I fall. “Shit, I can't faint now...”

“It seems you are still weak, and sealing this rift might have affected you more than I had anticipated. But we need to close the Breach. Let us hurry, we can talk about your magic after it is dealt with.”

I can't trust any of your promises, Solas... that is something I know too well... But I know that this won't be closed now anyway, so we will indeed have time to talk.

“A.. alright.” I manage to get the words out. Shit, I'm a mage? Really? That is.. awesome!

 

Some fights later in which I manage to stay out of trouble, we get to the temple, or what's left of it to be more exact. I try not to look around; the smell is hideous enough, I don't need the image of those bodies burned into my memory. I realize then that we didn't have to go through that “forward camp” place and I wonder why that is different. It's good that I wouldn't have to face that man, if he exists here, Chancellor Roderick, urgh, I hate that man. But also that would mean we wouldn't get to save the scouts on the mountain path, if they exist. Well, they probably do as there are many other people around, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I wonder how many other things are different than what I know.

Right when we are about to enter the hallway that would lead to the huge rift, the Breach pulses again, sending a wind strong enough to shake my companions, and of course I went straight to the floor, crying in pain as the mark pulsed along with it. I hit my knees on the hard stone floor and I can feel the warm blood wetting through my pants. The sharp pain of the mark doesn't let me feel the pain on my knees, but I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling that for a long time yet, and probably will have a couple of scars added to me. Cassandra once again comes to me and helps me up.

“Come on, we are almost there.” She sounds so nice that I want to cry just because of it. Suddenly I feel loved, like she cares about me and not just about the mark. I know better but I can't help it. God I'm getting emotional, this won't do! Focus!

As we enter the main room I stare at the huge rift. That is a marvel in all its threatening beauty. The way the energy folds and unfolds around its center, going to and coming from the Breach, almost like a living thing.  And even in its dormant state I can feel that it is a very powerful thing. And then I look high at the sky, the Breach is way too far, and oh it is so pretty too. Too bad I can't say this out loud or Cassandra would definitely think me guilty, or at the least crazy.

“Good, you're here!” Leliana comes running from the entrance and she starts talking strategy with Cassandra. Meanwhile Solas comes to me, and I can't help but feel uncomfortable.

“How are your injuries? Has the mark made them worse?” I wonder what exactly he is worried about, because definitely it isn't about me.

“To be honest, Solas,” I try to look at his face but I can't hold his gaze for long, so I look to the wall behind him, “my whole body hurts, I know I'm bleeding in several places right now, but there are so many different kinds of pain that I don't even know the cause for them.” I manage to look at him again and his face is impossible to read. “If the mark has anything to do with it, I have no idea. I thought I was used to pain but this is a whole new level.”

“I am sorry. I do not know what else could be done to help you. For some reason your body does not react to healing magic, and the potions are not effective enough.”

“Don't worry, it was expected.” I let slip and close my eyes in frustration.

“Expected?” His tone is suddenly different, but he recovers. “Is this the reason to you not having learned to fight?”

“Among other things.” Which is true. I was never allowed to learn martial arts even though I wanted to badly. Having a weak body sucks.

“Do you think this will work?” Cassandra asks, coming back from the hallway, where Leliana patiently waits, probably listening to everything as well.

“This rift was the first and it is the key. Seal it and perhaps we seal the Breach.” Solas says.

“I'm not sure I have energy left in me to close a rift that powerful.”

“You can feel its power?” And there is his surprised voice again, and just like that it is gone. “Nevermind. You are indeed weak but you must try, we might not have time to wait until you are stronger.”

“We must find a way down. Let's go.” Cassandra says and heads down the stairs closeby.

I start hearing a humming sound that is all too different from the one after I closed the rift, and after Varric's observation I can only guess that the source is the red lyrium. Damn cursed thing, I wonder if we'll ever be rid of it. I try to ignore it and just head through the way that seems to lead down, until I feel lightheaded and almost fall down again. Thankfully Cassandra was around and could hold me up, but god that hurt. Her grip is too strong.

We make it down and the rift starts throwing its memories at us: Corypheus speaking then the Divine calling for help. When it would be my turn to show up through the door I was surprised to see my reaction to the scene. Definitely not how I thought it would ever play out.

“What is going on.... he...re? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!” That was embarrassing.

Everybody looks at me with a face that I can only describe as interesting, I don't know how I could even begin to imagine what they were thinking of me in that moment. The good thing is that now Cassandra knows I didn't have anything to do with the murder of the woman. She starts asking questions and Solas promptly answers them, and then it falls to me to open the rift so it could be properly closed. A shiver runs through my spine just by thinking about this battle. I don't know if I can do this, I'm really afraid. I don't want to find out what would happen if I would not-die.

“You have to do this.” Cassandra tells me, but not like before. It is not an order, it almost sound like she is pleading. And if the alternative is as dreadful as I'm led to believe, it is completely understandable that anyone would plead for such a thing. And I don't really have an option. This is my punishment, and I have to follow it through. I can't let these people die in a horrible world, and definitely I can't have this mark on my hand growing uncontrollably.

“Please everyone,” I look to each and every one of them around me, including Leliana. “I really can't protect myself. I'll try to do this but I'm completely helpless against these demons. I need your support.”

“Don't worry, Crystal, we will protect you.” Varric says, and I suppose that is my nickname. “Right, everyone?”

“Crystal?” I ask just to be sure.

“Well, you never told us your name, and I can see you are very fragile so...” He laughs.

“Some crystals can be very resistant, Master Tethras.”

“Not the point Chuckles, have you seen those glasses the orlesians have? That thing is extremely fragile.”

“Well, I guess I like it, but there might be a problem with it though.” I say with a smile.

“A problem?” Varric asks, and I can see he is honestly intrigued.

“My name is Grace, and we have a plant called Crystal Grace so...”

“Well, that makes it even better then! It's a pretty flower, I think it fits.” Varric says and it makes me feel unexpectedly happy. I thought he would make a joke about it, but he just went and made it nice. Focus, Grace, focus, don't start crying now.

“Enough of this, we are running out of time.” Cassandra interrupts the nice moment and readies her shield, unsheathing the sword afterwards. “Let's close this rift.”

They position themselves in strategic points and I take a deep breath. Think positive. Everything will work out. Well, as Corypheus said: Now is the time of our victory! Let's close this beauty! I extend my hand and it links with the rift, but it feels like it is fighting me. I try to will it to open but nothing happens. I try to focus harder and the only thing I get is more tingling around my arm. Then I think about how things are going to get messed up if I fail and I suddenly feel a surge of power around me, and when I look around I see that the rift is shining even brighter than before. And with a gust of wind it opens, throwing me some steps back. I shake my arm trying to get rid of the tingling but it doesn't help. I was going to start massaging it when I hear the loud roar and I immediately look in front of me, and that huge pride demon is right there. Shit. I have to hide. Then I remember that I have to keep it from using the guard or it won't take damage. Well, that was in the game, is it a thing here too? I'll wait and see, for now I'll hide.

To my happiness it wasn't needed, but in order to keep them safer I had to disrupt the rift so I could dispel the minions it summoned from time to time. When the beast finally died it went out with a really pretty purple cloud. If only demons weren't so mean, they do have a certain beauty to them. Well, some of them. I step out from my hiding spot and extend my arm in front of me, trying to get the rift closed this time. If before it was fighting me, now it simply didn't want to obey. And god, this is painful, so painful that I fall on my knees, hand still connected to it, my right hand trying to support my trembling left arm that was pulsing with Fade energy. I cry in pain and effort and I feel like I'm going to pass out. Before my head reaches the floor I feel my hand disconnecting from the rift and a really strong gust of wind that sends me rolling backwards. I guess I closed it. And then everything fades to darkness once more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She is now The Herald of Andraste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - Betaed version by Calwyn.)
> 
> I'm really happy to see how much you've been enjoying my story. I didn't expect to get kudos, and definitely not this soon. Thank you! My plan is to update 3 times a week; Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but since it got such a nice welcome I'm going to post daily for a week. I got a lot of chapters ready so it will also be good to get the story moving faster for you, at least in this first week. I hope you enjoy!

It feels... cozy. The place is warm, I reach my arm under the pillow and hug it tightly to my face. It is such a soft cotton, and it smells good too, but I don't know what scent that is. I can feel some pain around my body but nothing strong, and for that I'm really glad. Then it hits me: I don't sleep with a pillow anymore. This isn't my bed. And then I feel that the mattress definitely isn't as soft as it would be on my bed. I open my eyes and see a wooden cabin. I sigh. Right, I'm in Thedas now. 

I roll and face the ceiling, wondering how many days have passed since I closed the rift. If normally the Inquisitor would be unconscious for three days, I suppose  _ I _ would have been unconscious for at least a week; because of the way my body takes long to recover from anything and all that.

In game, the person that would take care of the Inquisitor was Adan, that old grumpy man. I wonder if he was the one treating me here as well. I look at my body and see that it has been cleaned up. I'm wearing fresh clothes that aren't tight and for that I'm glad. I don't like my body that much but tight clothes usually make me feel sick too, so that is the main reason. Well, someone or multiple someones have seen me naked, great. Urgh. I don't even know what state I'm in. I wonder if Solas had seen me naked when he was treating my hand. That makes me feel terribly self-conscious. If the game is any guide to go by, he wouldn't be interested in me anyway, he doesn't like humans and wouldn't be involved with them. And at this point I'm nothing but a guinea-pig who bears his Anchor. I sigh once again. Gotta get used to it girl, admire but don't get involved, just think about him as something unreachable as he always was anyway. The fact that you are in his world won't change anything. And it saves you the pain of seeing him leave. I tell that to myself, trying to convince myself that it is the best thing to do, but when has a heart ever listened to the mind? That damn thing will do whatever it wants anyway. I sigh. I always wanted to be with him, but I won't be able to even when he is right there. I guess it is another layer of my punishment.

I sit up and examine my body. I pull up the sleeve and see that I got some fresh scars and bruises on my arms. My neck is sore, I'm definitely not sleeping with a pillow again. Got to remember to tell people to not give me a pillow if I fall unconscious. My belly got some bruises and it seems I have lost some weight. Nothing like being unconscious for days and underfed. I remember that I hurt my knee and lift my pants to take a look at it, and indeed, two new scars just as I thought. If it already is a scar, I've been unconscious for over a week, that or the potions decided to work better.

I reach for my hair and notice it is a mess. If it was already hard to control when I was back home it will be impossible to get it nice here. I try to stand up, and aside for a quick pain through my feet, that just were not used to being active after so long, I walk to the vanity by the bed without issue. I see there is a large brush right over it, close to a mirror. Taking the opportunity to check on my state I see that I have definitely lost weight. And I got such dark and deep circles under my eyes. My skin is paler than usual, and it is already very pale. I assume the anaemia is back after the poor treatment to my body. I take the brush and sit down back on the bed, wishing that it was higher. I like to feel my legs hanging. The first brushes through the hair are painful but the mess soon is turned into something acceptable. I tuck some strands behind my ears and check at the mirror. Guess it won't be much better than this. I should get a hat, it would help control the beast. And warm my ears too, god, just to think there is snow outside!

Right when I was leaving the brush on the vanity the door opens, and I see an elven girl come inside. She is startled, and I assume the poor treatment towards elves is not something Bioware made up.

“I'm sorry, I didn't know you were awake.” She promptly states and looks down.

“It's alright, I just got up.” I'm not really a social person so I don't know how to make her feel better. I sigh at my inability but she apparently thinks I'm annoyed at her and she apologizes again, turning to leave.

“I'm to tell Seeker Cassandra you are awake. Please excuse me.”

Without knowing what else to do, since she told me she would get Cassandra instead of telling me to go to her, I assume I should just wait, so I decide to look around the shelves. There are about a dozen books and I sort through them, but I can't understand even a single symbol on the paper. Shit, how am I to tell them that I can't read? I can't fight, I can't read, but I was somehow allowed into the inner chambers of the Conclave. What story could I come up with that would explain such circumstances? There is no way they are going to accept that, I have to make it a secret and get inconspicuous help. The person who needs me the most is Solas, well, not me, the mark. And who better to lie about anything than that man? And he likes to spread knowledge. Yes, I'll ask him. We have to talk about my having magic anyway. Why would I be sent here if I can't even communicate properly? Oh, right, punishment. I have to work for it.

I see that there are some clothes in the drawers and they look kind of similar to what I'm wearing. I don't see what I should put on my feet though. I walk closer to the door and see a pair of boots almost hidden by a chair. Leather boots. Hmm.. they don't look new. I don't want to do this but I have to know, no way I'm putting my feet inside unknown shoes. I pick up the boot and approach it to my nose, reluctantly smelling it. Well, thankfully it is not smelly, whoever put it there at least cleaned it first. I'll need socks. I go back to the drawers and pick up a pair of socks, they are soft enough, and thick, that should help me with my sensitive skin. I put them on and wear the boots afterwards. Hmm. Comfortable. Good. I walk to the small window and try to look outside, but the glass is completely covered in ice on the other side. Hell, I'm not going out there alone.

I go back to bed and right after I sit down and get comfortable the door opens. I see Cassandra and Leliana, the elven girl didn't follow them. I wonder if I'll see her again, if I do I'll have to try something to make those encounters less awkward. Or I could just ignore her, as I do everything else. Urgh. What if being more social is also part of my second chance? Argh, whatever, I'll think about it when I have to.

The women walk until they are right in front of me. I don't feel inclined to stand up, specially since I'm starting to feel nauseous. Guess my blood pressure is down... I wonder when was the last time I ate something.

“I see you are better, I'm glad.” Cassandra says, but she looks conflicted. I wonder about what.

“Better than last time at least.” I say, and my voice sounds weaker than before. Shit.

“Do you feel ill?” Leliana asks with some sort of worried face. I do wonder if she really is worried. She isn't a bad person, but after knowing the amount of bad things that she is able to do with a smile on the face, I don't think I can feel relaxed near her that easily.

“I feel... dizzy. Nauseous.” I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing, fainting after being asleep for so long won't do.

“Adan said you were weak, indeed.” Cassandra says. “The potions for some reason don't work on you as they should, and healing magic is completely useless.”

“We don't know if that is a side effect of the mark on your hand. Solas can't determine.” Leliana adds.

“It isn't.” I say this truth at least. “I was always like this. Weak, hard to heal, easy to hurt.” I open my eyes and see that both women look pained. Come on, I didn't say it so you would pity me. “I think I know why I'm so dizzy though. Is there any way that I can get some really strong food?”

“Strong food?” Cassandra seems to be asking herself. “Well, I suppose being unconscious for two weeks would make you rather malnourished. The tavern has good food.”

“Two weeks?!” I sigh. “Well, I shouldn't be surprised. For the look of my scars I thought it was sometime around that.”

“I see that you need to gather your strength, but we need to talk about an important matter.” She continues. “The rift was closed but the Breach persists. It is stable for now but we need to close it. There are many reports of other rifts everywhere. And whoever that person who murdered Most Holy was could still be out there, or have allies who are.”

Inquisition, here we go. I take a deep breath and look at them, waiting for the news.

“As hands of the Divine,” Leliana says, “we declared the Inquisition reborn,  but we cannot do this alone. You bear the mark which is the only way known to close the rifts. We need your help.”

“This Inquisition,” I need to make sure this is the same thing I think it is, “it won't kill people just because they don't agree with its terms, will it?”

“Of course not!” Cassandra says passionately. “The Inquisition is set to bring order to this chaos, punish only the ones that are causing harm to others!”

“Alright. I'll help then.” I'm feeling really weak now, I want to lay down, but I know if I do it won't get me any better.

“Great.” Leliana says. “Tomorrow morning meet us at the Chantry, we hope you will be better by then.” Straight to business.

“Sure. May I ask your help, though?” They look at me curious. “I don't think I have the strength to walk to the tavern. Can one of you escort me there? Or get someone who can? I really hate having to ask this but I know I won't make it by myself.”

“I'll take you there.” Cassandra says.

“Thank you.” I try to stand up but my vision blurs and everything spins around me. I think I'm going to go straight back onto the bed but the Seeker's reflexes are really good and she grabs me, which would have been nice if her grip wasn't so strong. I whimper in pain and she quickly apologizes and helps me up. Making sure to keep a readied arm in case my legs falter again.

 

We walk through the village, which is a lot bigger than I expected. I think this place got a massive influx of people after the events with the Grey Warden, and that makes me wonder about what happened to them, who they were, if they are even alive. Cassandra doesn't speak and I don't think I have it in me to make conversation, so we get there quietly. We pass through a lot of curious eyes and I got a pretty clear idea of why they are looking at me like that. The Herald of Andraste. Urgh, that is going to suck. The tavern is really loud but at the second that people look at me they all hush. Can it get even more awkward? Nevermind, it can always get worse, I shouldn't tempt fate. Quiet is good. Quiet is nice.

Cassandra leads me to an empty table by one of the corners, which I'm thankful for; I hate sitting in the middle of people. I can see Varric not very far, surrounded by what look like fans. A people's person right there.

“I'll ask Flissa to bring you something strong. Do you think you will be alright by yourself?”  She frowns. “Maybe I should have asked someone to bring food to your cabin instead.”

“It's fine Cassandra, I spent too long inside that place, I needed some fresh air. And the snow is pretty.” Even if I didn't get to enjoy it being as dizzy as I am. “I should feel better after I eat, don't worry.”

“Alright. Have a good day, Herald.” She was about to turn and leave when she apparently realized I'm not supposed to understand why she is calling me that. “Oh, right. The people are calling you the Herald of Andraste after you closed the rift.”

“I'm no one's herald, Cassandra.” She frowns at my words but I continue. “But I'll do my best to help.” She relaxes and says:

“The title might not be what any of us would have expected to happen, but it brings hope to people's heart. And that is a good thing.”

“Indeed.” I feel nauseous again and am forced to lay down my head on the table. She takes the chance to say goodbye again and leaves. Not long after I'm hit by the nice smell of something that doesn't look too good. I need to eat otherwise I'm going to not-die of anaemia, shit. I hope it tastes as good as it smells and not as it looks. “Thank you.” I say to the person bringing me the bowl, I don't even look at them since I don't have the strength or mood to. I grab the spoon and sip on the soup, to my relief it indeed tastes very good. This might not be so hard after all.

 

I stay there on my corner for a while, eating slowly so I wouldn't force my stomach that isn't used to solid food for a while now. People don't approach me, I think they are intimidated. Oooh it's the Herald, I'm unworthy of talking to her! I think that is probably what they are thinking when they look at me. It is sickening how much people are affected by titles and power.

Varric approaches me some time after I'm done eating and I'm just reclined against the wall, trying to get my bearings before I decide what I should do next. Of course I should search for Solas, but I got no idea where he could be. I don't think he would be simply staying outside of a cabin nearby, would he? Plus this village is a lot bigger than in the game.

“Hey Crystal!” He is so high-spirited that it's almost contagious. “Good to see you are up and about. I was worried that you wouldn't recover.”

“Aw Varric, thank you.” I smile at him, but my voice turns out weak. I think the food is making me sleepy. Urgh.

“Still sick?” He sits on the opposite chair and crosses his arms over the table, looking at me like he really was worried. I wonder if he really cares?

“Weak is all, I think. Slept for too long and haven't eaten anything decent it seems. I wonder how much an unconscious person can eat?”

“Oh I wouldn't know, Crystal. They wouldn't let me anywhere near your cabin while you were being nursed by Adan and Chuckles, or any other person but the Seeker anyway. And I'm no healer, I wouldn't want to get in their way.” He says with an apologetic smile. It is curious to see him acting like that.

“I appreciate your worry for me Varric. It's good to have someone around that is as high-spirited as you. I know I can be pretty grim sometimes.” I smile a half smile. Heh, I know I suck at socializing.

“One does what they can with what they have.” He laughs. “I wonder though, how is our Herald going to defeat that big hole in the sky being so fragile?”

“Herald huh? Can you not call me that? Please?” Another half smile and he seems to look at me with pity. I hate that look.

“You better get used to it, Crystal, that is what everyone out there is calling you, and I don't think there is escaping that.” I can see he is teasing me.

“Oh I can ignore them, ignoring annoying people is something I do very well. But you have seen me in that sorry state, you have seen me broken, not that I improved much.” I point at myself and laugh and he seems to lighten his expression. I guess he would understand the best how one makes fun of their own misery. “And if what I gather is correct, I assume we will be sticking together in this Inquisition.”

“That sounds like it is exactly what is going to happen, Crystal.” He laughs and moves to stand up. “Need anything?”

“I was wondering, who is this Adan? And where is Solas? I need to thank him for saving me once again it seems. And apparently I am a mage and I have no idea what I am supposed to do.”

“Yeah you should talk it through with him. Chuckles seems to be very smart for someone who lived away from people for such a long time. I wonder how he did it. Anyway, Adan is our apothecary, it's not hard to find him. His shop is the big one down the street on your left. And Chuckles, well, he didn't want to be placed along other people's cabins. Once a hermit forever a hermit, I guess?” He chuckles. “He is living in the cabin behind the apothecary, and if he isn't there he is probably helping the injured.”

“You keep yourself informed huh?” I laugh.

“Storyteller!” He points to himself with a bright smile. “Got to have a sharp eye if I want to have inspiration for my stories.” He winks. And I should remember he is also part of the Merchant's Guild, and a rogue. He is nice but he is sharp, I should be careful, my situation is not something to be taken lightly.

“That you have. Well,” I stand up and everything seems to be well enough so I don't think I'll need help to go around and then back to my cabin. I wonder, though, if I can remember where it was. “Better not to keep you longer, and I should get on my way as well.”

“Don't worry about it, Crystal. And if you need anything, I think I'm the easiest person to find in this town. Aside from Curly that is, all the women seem to know where he is.”

“Thank you, Varric.” He smiles and leaves, heading for the bartender. I assume he is going to get some more drinks. I decide to follow his instructions and head down the street in order to find the two people I need to talk to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - Betaed version by Calwyn.)
> 
> Happy New Year!

I come from a very warm place to be hit on the face by some really cold air. I'm not used to this level of cold, it is my first time properly seeing snow. The first day I got here doesn't really count, I was in too much pain to pay attention to anything. The air is clear enough though, it's really nice to not be surrounded by sand and smoke and other pollutants. My lungs sure are better for it. What worries me at this point is the lack of some other things, things that I took for granted and now I think there are no way of getting something similar, and I'll be so screwed up without them. Hopefully Adan can help me with it.

It doesn't take long to find it, the building is right on a crossroad with a big sign with a potion symbol. I can't read whatever is written below it but I assume it says apothecary. I look to my left and assume that small cabin is Solas'. I start feeling anxious. How am I supposed to approach him? I wonder what he thinks about me? Sure he is curious about why the healing doesn't work on me, and then there is the mark. I guess I'm the perfect guinea-pig for his free time.

I enter the shop and my nose is assaulted by such complex scent that I feel overwhelmed. Having heightened senses already was a problem before, now it seems to have been increased somehow. I got no idea what I am smelling in the air, but at least it is bearable. I see a man hunched over a desk and I wonder if he is Adan. I don't remember what he looked like in the game, only that he was grumpy.

“Good afternoon.” I greet him but he doesn't stop doing whatever it is that he is doing. I assume he can't have his concentration interrupted at that point and I just wait for him to finish. About ten minutes later, I assume, my legs were already starting to hurt and I had to change the distribution of my weight over them, moving about a little, taking the chance to look from afar at the things on the shelves, I didn't want to get near whatever those things were, he straightens his posture and turns around to face me.

“Humpf. Someone that isn't in a rush for a change.” He frowns and then raises his eyebrows  “Oh look who came back from the dead, again. Well, good to see the Herald has manners.” I have the really strong urge to roll my eyes at him but I manage to ignore it.

“I want to thank you for taking care of me while I was unconscious.”

“Sure, sure. Just doing my job.” He scratches his head and looks around.

“And I also wanted to ask you some things,” he raises one eyebrow and looks at me again, “things that I hope you can keep quiet about?” And now he frowns and scratches his head again.

“Look, I don't deal with lyrium trade, nor any other illegal stuff-” I interrupt him.

“No! It's nothing of that kind. It's just, er, personal kinds of things.” He seems to be extremely bored, but points to a set of chairs by a table on the corner.

“Alright, Herald. Let me hear what you have to say.”

 

As personal as those questions were, I'm not going to explain what I asked him about. But just so you can have an idea, it was mainly about girl's matters and hygiene. He of course became quite confused by my asking, because of course with my age I should know about such things, but he promised to be quiet about it and not to ask further questions, and helped me with what he could.

“As soon as we get supplies I might be able to make those for you, but for now there is nothing I can do about it. Supplies are really short and I can't afford to use them for this kind of thing. Not to mention that some of those plants are just rare to begin with and I just don't have them here.”

“I'll see what I can do about getting you those supplies as soon as possible. Get me a list so I don't forget them? My memory isn't that great.” Shit, I forgot I can't read. Well, I really hope Solas won't be a problem on that end.

“Have a good day, Herald.” He gives me the piece of paper and goes back to his working desk.

“You as well.” And with that I leave the shop and head for the street that leads towards the back. Time to find that elf.

Looking around I can somehow understand why he would want to be there, the place is quieter than the rest I've seen so far. The other buildings look like storage places so I don't suppose there are many people coming and going. I make my way to the door and knock twice. No answer. Considering the size of the place I don't think it's a matter of whether he heard me knocking or not, so I assume he either isn't there, is sleeping or doesn't want to talk to whoever is at his door. Not wanting to be a nuisance but also in dire need of his help I can't make my mind whether to knock again to make sure or just leave. Before I can make my mind, though, I feel a presence bringing me comfort, and about two seconds later I hear his voice behind me.

“The Herald of Andraste! A blessed hero sent to save us all! And right at my door.”

I can't help but laugh at his teasing. I know how that title is absurd to him, and here he is, poking me for a reaction. I turn around to see him analyzing me.

“Good afternoon, Solas.” I smile, I can't help but smile whenever I see him, I wonder if he has noticed it yet, and I'm not sure if I want him to. “I'm not a hero, much less a blessed one. I'm just... doing what I can.”

“You do not sound so certain.”

“Let's just say I never expected to really end up in this situation.”

“Some dream to be in a position of power while others are pushed into it. I have journeyed deep into the Fade, sleeping in ancient ruins and battlefields to see dreams of lost civilizations. I have watched ancient wars both famous and forgotten. Every great war has its heroes, and whether you want it or not, fate or what you will call it has put you in this role. I am curious about what kind of hero you will be.

“So am I. Can the Fade really reveal that much?”

“The Fade can show much if you know how to look. It has a connection to this world few would understand. It is not a common field of study for obvious reasons. It is not as flashy as throwing fire or lightning.”

“Not to mention people fear spirits. I would like to know more about it, that is, if you don't mind explaining it to me.”

“Of course. The Fade is a passion of mine and I would be happy to share its knowledge.”

“Awesome! As I like to say 'knowledge should be shared'. Good we agree on that!”

He frowns for a second and I wonder what could be going inside his head. I don't think I could ever fully understand that man anyway.

“In any case, how rude of me to keep the Herald standing outside in the cold. Would you want to come in?”

“Please, Solas, don't call me Herald. It will be annoying enough to have all the strangers calling me that, and I'm sure that with the amount of time you had to bear with me we are far from strangers. Which reminds me, I really want to thank you for taking care of me, both times.”

“As you wish, Grace. And there is no need to thank me, for as you said before, I was just doing what I could. And unfortunately, as it seemed, it was not enough for I could not do much to help you.” And now he frowns looking really annoyed. Maybe that hurt his pride?

“Don't think so little of you, Solas. I'm sure my hand would be destroyed if you hadn't healed it. Perhaps even my whole arm.” Shit, I'm going to lose my arm by the end of this won't I?

“Thank you. But I do wonder, why does your body react so differently to magic and potions?”

“I wish I knew.” I shiver and then realize that I've been standing in the cold for too long, my blood pressure won't appreciate this for much longer. “But I'll take you on your offer if you really don't mind me coming inside. I'm not used to this much cold, or standing for so long.”

“Of course.” He then passes by me, releasing a ward on the door, which makes me shiver and I see his ear move slightly so I think he noticed. Oh and such cute ears they are! He makes his way inside and then motions for me to follow.

“Thank you.” The place is warm and already makes me feel better, it also has a really soft and nice smell. I like it a lot to be honest. I probably should find out what are all these smells I keep getting in contact with. Adan might be able to help me with it. I should also find out if I'm allergic to any kind of smell in this planet too. “So.. er.. about what you said before. Me having magic. Are you sure about that?”

He walks towards a table in a corner and sits down, motioning with his hand for me to sit on the other one. I sit down and wait for him to say something. He starts looking at me as if he is analyzing me again, and considering my previous question he probably is.

“Yes. I am sure.” He finally says. “I find it hard to believe that you didn't know about it. I can sense that your magic is quite active.”

“Are you calling me a liar, Solas?” I can't help but look annoyed at him, and I sigh, trying to focus. Breathe, calm down, think positive, you need his help, don't piss him off “What do you mean by active? I’ve never used magic.”

“You said you could feel the power of the rift, did you not?”

“I did, yes, but that is probably because of the mark anyway.”

“It is possible, but I am not sure that it is the entirety of it. I have noticed you can feel some disturbances in the air where magic is at work, like just now when I dispelled the ward.”

“Hm. So you noticed that, did you? I thought I saw your ear twitch.” I smile at the memory. Cute! He frowns and I wonder if he thought I meant something bad by mentioning his ears. Stupid humans and their prejudice towards elves. “I mean, I did feel something, but that's where it ends.”

“Curious. I do wonder if that has something to do with the blocking of healing magic.”

“No idea. I was always hard to mend and easy to break, not that I've ever broken anything, they usually just get out of place, can't even remember how many times I sprained my ankle just walking.” I sigh. “I think I haven't broken anything after the Conclave, have I? I mean, I was in some deep pain back when I woke up, I can't even begin to imagine what went wrong then.” Focus. “Sorry, I'm talking too much. But about me being hard to heal, I doubt magic has anything to do with it. After all, I didn't have magic before.”

“Before the mark?”

Shit. Bad social skills and anxiety, not a good combination.

“Er, I think so? I mean, if I had it before I wouldn't be able to tell. Heh, not like I'm able to tell now either. Apart from all those weird feelings, that is. Sorry, sometimes it's hard to express myself properly.”

“Do not worry about it, although the Chantry might take advantage of that.”

“Urgh. I hate dealing with religious figures. And they don't seem to be the nicest kind of them either. The Maker is the one true god! Everyone who isn't Andrastian are wrong! Urgh. Seriously... I hate that. I'm going to hate doing this.” I hold my head with both hands and whimper in disgust at my role and what is coming in the future. Playing is fun, living this is not.

He chuckles and that brings me out from my thoughts. I stare at him and blink a couple of times at his amused expression.

“You think my distress is funny, do you?” I smile at him, he is so cute. Geez, I'm already lost aren't I?

“Not your distress, but your view of the Chantry. Few would be so open minded to see past blind faith. I am just amused that you would react in such a way when thinking about it.”

“Oh blind anything is stupid, really. People should think through things more. But they are either too lazy or too selfish to do so. “

“I have to agree.”

I take a deep breath, trying to get my bearings and remember the reason I was there to begin with. Right, magic and reading.

“So, Solas. Since I have magic and no clue about what I'm supposed to do with it, I was wondering, can you help me?”

“I am surprised you would ask an apostate to teach you.”

“Heh, to be honest there is no one out there who I would rather teach me.” That seems to shock him, but then he frowns. Suspicious, maybe?

“And may I know the reason for that?”

“Plenty, but let's just say you have an open mind, you seem to be a well of knowledge from all your journeys in the Fade,” let's get aboard the lie, “and I'd like to learn Fade magic too.”

“You would like to learn Fade magic? That is most unexpected. But of course, I will teach you what I can. After all, I would be a fool to refuse sharing my favorite topic with the Herald.”

“Nooo! Not Herald!” I see he is teasing me and I smile. He chuckles and I wonder how many times he has done that before Varric finally gave him that nickname. He stands up and walks towards the bookshelf, he seems to be searching for something, I dread at the thought that he is going to give me a book to read. Well, I hope he takes this revelation well.

“These are far from perfect, but they should be good enough for you to read in your off hours. I will make sure to teach you what they lack, and of course, fix what they got wrong.” Such pride, figures. He comes back to the table with two books, and I got no clue what they say on the cover.

“Aaand that brings me to a second thing I must ask you to help me with.” He tilts his head and locks his hands behind his back.

“What else can I help you with?”

I rub my fingers around my scalp and then try to fix the hair I just messed up, tucking some strands behind my ears. How can I explain the reason if he asks me?

“Er. Please don't ask me why?” I look at him with the most embarrassed and pleading expression I could summon, which seems to make him really confused if I can read his expression properly. “I... er... I can't tell you the reason, but...” He sits down, which I assume is because he either wants to give me the time it takes to get the words out or because he got bored. I take a deep breath and sigh. Let's get this over with. “Don't tell anyone, it is very important that you don't. The thing is..” I sigh again and he seems to be getting worried at this point. “I can't read.” And that makes him extremely shocked. “Like, at all. I got no idea what is written on the covers of those books. And before you ask me why I'm trusting you with this, it is because I assume that since you are someone who is used to being away from people, and an apostate on top of it, which requires skill in evading people so you wouldn't end up in a stupid Circle, urgh.. damn those Circles.. Sorry, sidetracking. What I'm trying to say is that you're probably used to being treated differently because of who you are, so you would understand my need for discretion.”

“I do understand that, yes. And I will respect your wish for privacy on this matter. I cannot say that I am not curious about your not being able to read, but I will not pry.”

I sigh in relief and smile a really big smile. Wow that went a lot better than expected.

“Thank you, Solas, you have no idea how much your help means to me. Hmm.. I think that people won't suspect this since you will already be helping me with magic.”

“I will make sure to make your lessons as inconspicuous as possible.” He smiles a comforting smile. Oh I love when he smiles.

“Thank you very much. I.. er... I should probably go. I don't know what you were doing, but I doubt you were expecting me so I don't want to be a nuisance.” I stand up and put the chair back in place. He stands up as well.

“You are welcome, and do not worry about it. I do have things to do, but you are no nuisance. However, I must admit that I was not prepared for this meeting.” Yes, I know I'm intruding, I'm sorry.

“Since I'm sure they aren't going to be of any use to me yet, I'll leave the books with you. Please let me know when you are able to start teaching me.”

“Of course. I will make sure that it is as soon as possible.”

He accompanies me outside and I'm hit by the so familiar feeling of being lost. I hate this. It is very common for me to be disoriented after leaving a building, and if it's not familiar enough for me it might take me long minutes to remember which way I should go. And now I simply don't remember how to get home. I sigh. I'm definitely a problematic Herald. If I manage to make it to Inquisitor I hope I can be more reliable by then. I have to be. Being like this is annoying. Urgh, I hate myself sometimes. URGH! Shit! Right, I should calm down, breathe. I look at Solas and notice that he is analyzing me, I probably was making weird expressions and haven't noticed.

“Er.. Solas, I'm  **immensely** sorry but I need to ask you yet for another thing.”

“Sure.”

“I... don't remember how to get home.” He shows me a surprised face and then chuckles.

“You are sure full of surprises. I will escort you to your cabin.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - Betaed version by Calwyn.)

“Thank you for getting me home, Solas.” I smile embarrassed. “I'm sorry for the trouble. I'll do my best to not be so helpless.”

“It was no trouble. And I am sure that you will have the support to improve where you need. Being their hero has its benefits.”

“I guess it does. I won't take more of your time, and let me know if I can do something for you.”

“I will keep it in mind. Have a good day.”

“You too.” I enter the cabin after he is far away, taking my time to admire his figure. God I still can't believe he is real. Damn. So handsome. Urgh..... I'm a lost cause.

Once inside I sit on the chair and take my chance to go through what happened so far and what I might have to do next. Magic teaching is covered, as is the reading issue, hygiene and other stuff are also covered, at least part of it... I wonder how hard it will be to get those ingredients. Well.. Cassandra already talked about the Inquisition beginning... I need to... to... God... what do I  **need** to do? I'm not used to having to deal with things myself. I sigh.

Should I worry about armor? Nah, I guess that is something I should confer with Solas. If this was the game I would go around talking to everybody. But I'm not really sociable. Urgh... What to do... what to do... I was unconscious for two weeks, I'm pretty sure the Inquisition went about its business well without me, I shouldn't worry about it until the meeting tomorrow. The meeting tomorrow... Cullen and Josephine will probably be there. Hmm... Josephine will probably ask me questions so she can send off letters to nobles on my behalf... Urgh... What should I tell her? God...

I take off my boots and socks and decide to pace around barefoot, the floor is clean so it's nice. There is nobody to annoy me that I'm barefoot anyway. I notice that the fire is dying in the fireplace and I got no idea how to tend to it. And then I realize that I was outside and didn't even wear a coat. Shouldn't it have been like...  **really** cold? I mean, I was always resistant to cold but I've never been in a place with snow before, there is no way I would be used to walking around in simple cotton shirt and pants. They aren't thin and all but they aren't that thick either. Weird. I wonder how much this planet change affected me.

I realize I got no idea what time it might be. I woke up late, that much was obvious, by the time I left the tavern people were greeting each other as if it was afternoon but I wonder how far through it I'm now. How much time do I have to go around outside? Do I even want to go outside? I sigh. I was unconscious for two weeks... what could have happened in that time? Maybe that Mother Giselle is a real person too? Will I have to go meet her soon? Maybe I'll find out tomorrow... tomorrow... Urgh... Tomorrow is too soon to have more responsibilities thrown at me... I'm not even fully recovered yet... Stop pitying yourself. I'm not pitying myself, it's the truth, I'm not well. You've been worse and you closed rifts, you can manage people. I was  **forced** to close those rifts, I would have stayed in bed otherwise. And I hate dealing with people, specially a lot of people, a lot of  **unknown** people. I sigh. I'm a horrible Herald. Pff. Herald! Oh almighty Herald of Andraste! Who is nothing but a really weak human who gave up on life and was damned to bear the mark of a powerful elf that wants to destroy the world so she could save the world. Geez... This situation is absurd.

Without being able to decide on what to do I lay down on the bed and look at the ceiling. I don't think I can stay here much longer... I need to busy myself with something... I can't read, I'm in no mood to draw... draw... I wonder how I could even draw here? Charcoal? God I don't even remember the last time I used charcoal to draw. What was it? Around ten years ago? I sigh and close my eyes. I have no idea how to use a quill. I wonder what Solas is thinking about all these weird facts about me. Does he even believe me? Does he even  **care** ? I sigh and get up. Moping here is doing me no favors. Urgh... but I don't know what to do! Whatever, do anything, go out and take a look at the sky, breathe some snow, smell some flowers. Pff... With my luck the first one will be one I'm allergic to. But yeah.. I'll go out before I lose my mind. There is nothing for me to do here.

I wear back the socks and boots and go out into the cold air. Definitely not as cold as I think it should be. This is weird. Because of my walk back with Solas I managed to learn some landmarks so I wouldn't get lost again, which is already a great improvement. From his directions I now know how to get to the Chantry, apothecary, thus his cabin, and tavern. I'm not hungry and I can't deal with a crowd at this point, so tavern is off the table and I'm definitely not stepping into that Chantry until morning. I look at the sky and see that the sun is already half way down. It probably is around four in the afternoon if time here is about the same back at home. Home... can I still call it home at this point? I don't really know where to go so I walk down the street until the first crossroad and look around, but I don't see anything that could be of interest. Shit... What do I do? I start feeling anxious, this isn't good. I try to take deep breaths so it won't turn into a panic attack, but I only manage to recover a little. I get the urge to run back into the safety of my cabin and hide, but I also don't want to go back inside and be bored. I sigh.

Since I can't decide on a place to go I try to think about people. I only know Cassandra, Leliana, Varric and Solas... and I don't want to bother any of them. Not to mention I'm still scared of Cassandra and Leliana. Intimidating people. Well, after being at sword point and pulled around like a dog that is no surprise _._ Knowing who Solas is should also make me intimidated by him but I like him too much to be afraid of him. Which is probably a mistake. I sigh. Damn, I'm completely at a loss here.

“Good afternoon, Herald.” I hear a male voice calling from behind me. I turn around and see a very handsome blonde man with a really nice furred cloak. I'm almost sure who that man is.

“Er.. good afternoon.” I barely can get the words out, partially because I'm nervous and partially because I wasn't expecting to see him, much less appearing from behind like that. Shouldn't he be training people? I wonder if he is coming or going to the training camp. He notices my hesitation and continues.

“I'm sorry if I startled you. I'm Commander Cullen Rutherford, I'm in charge of the Inquisition's forces.”

“No, it's fine. You haven't startled me. I'm just...” I look around. “I got no idea of where to go or what to do and staying inside is making me insane because I got nothing to do and I can't bear the idea of staying idle, but I'm also too weak to do anything.” I sigh. “Sorry, I shouldn't just throw those things at you like that. I say too much sometimes.” He smiles and I wonder what is going through his mind.

“I wish I had enough free time to feel bothered by it, to be honest. Times are crazy. But if you want a suggestion of things to do that wouldn't force your body, yes, I've heard about your situation, there is a library close to the Chantry if you like reading, or... well, there is the tavern for socializing... and... er... I'm sorry, I don't really know what else to suggest to you, as you can imagine I don't do much but see to the forces.” He smiles and I can only think how cute he looks.

“I appreciate you trying to help, Commander. I might go to the tavern later to get some food, but right now I don't feel like being in a crowded place, as for the library, well...” Can't tell him the truth.. what do I say... “I.. can't focus enough to read at this moment. It's good to know about it, though. I'm still getting used to the town.” To think it will all burn to the ground.. and then be buried in snow...

“You do seem distracted, is everything alright? Do you feel ill?” He is so cute being worried. Well, I guess I would be worried if the only means to fixing the world would appear to be suffering from something and could potentially doom everything.

“Just... unstable I guess, nothing to worry about.” I rub my eyes and then run my hands through my hair, making sure the strands are tucked behind my ears. I sigh. “Am I getting in your way, Commander? I don't want to hold you from your duties.”

“Well, I was indeed just coming from a break, but if you need anything and if I'm able to help I'm sure the lieutenants can still hold on for a few more minutes.”

“I'll be fine.. I.. I  **am** fine.” I say it more to myself than to him and I force a smile and he doesn't seem to buy it if I can read his expression correctly. “I'll think about something to do.”

“Alright then.” He looks down the street then looks back at me. “If you need anything I'll be by the training grounds.” I think he notices that I would ask him where that would be and he continues. “Just follow down this street and turn right, then after you go through the town's gate you walk a little towards the right. You will probably see the tents before you see the soldiers, but you'll know you're heading the right way.”

“Understood. Thank you, Commander.” He nods and turns to leave but I call to him and he stops. “Er.. just so I know, will I see you at the morning meeting tomorrow? At the Chantry?”

“Yes, I'll be there.”

“Alright. Have a good day, Commander.” He greets back and then leaves. I watch for a while then turn my gaze to the Breach. I sigh. What the fuck do I do now?

I rub my eyes again and keep walking, until I find some benches by what looks like an unkempt garden, most flowers are dead and there is a lot of dirt and snow around, as if a dog had been digging and rolling on the dirt, which I don't doubt. There must be a mabari somewhere. The place is deserted which makes it all the better for me. I sit down and relax. There is a perfect direct view to the Breach. I wonder how exactly he made the Veil.. I wonder if I'll ever find out...

The minutes pass and I fall into some kind of comfort, body and mind somehow not that stressed as before. I feel the first words of a song come to my mind and I can't help but start singing it to myself, and I can sing quite well mind you, of course it depends on the rhythm and I can't do low notes or very high ones either, I'm no trained singer after all: 

“Where do we come from? Why are we here? Where do we go when we die? What lies beyond? And what lay before? Is anything certain in life? They say life is too short. The here and the now. And you're only given one shot. But could there be more? Have I lived before? Or could this be all that we've got? If I die tomorrow, I'd be alright because I believe, that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.” I sigh. I hum the piano  part and continue:

“I used to be frightened of dying. I used to think death was the end. But that was before, I'm not scared anymore. I know that my soul will transcend. I may never find all the answers. I may never understand why. I may never prove what I know to be true but I know that I still have to try. If I die tomorrow...” I feel my chest getting tight but I continue:

“I'd be alright, because I believe, that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.” I can't hum the guitar bit so I wait a while and take the chance to try and breathe easy, but it doesn't help with the emotions piling up and I feel tears beginning to pool on my eyes. I continue:

“Move on, be brave. Don't weep at my grave, because I am no longer here. But please never let your memories of me disappear...” My voice trails down at the last word, emotions choking me and I can't continue the song anymore. I let the tears flow down my cheeks and just cry. There is nobody around anyway.

I notice the sky getting darker some unknown minutes later, with no idea how long I've been crying. The cold starts to catch up to me, the tears on my face have already dried and I'm just sobbing, without even knowing why I was crying to begin with. Crying daily for no specific reason... I hope it doesn't become routine here too. I try to calm down and it takes me a few minutes to be able to breathe normally. I stretch and stand up. I'm not really hungry... I should probably eat, though... If this really is anaemia I need to... Urgh... Shit... I hope I'm not too much of a mess.

I make my way to the tavern and try to ignore the crowd, it's not easy, it's not easy at all. I feel like I might panic at any second but I try to focus. Get food, eat, get out. After some minutes I get a bowl of some soup. I think it's the same thing I got earlier. I head to some empty table in a corner, trying to ignore everyone, they are nothing but moving shadows to me. I start eating and not so much longer I hear a familiar voice. Varric has come for yet another visit.

“Good evening, Crystal.”

“Good evening, Varric.” I answer him with a smile and look at him. He has a weird face on, I wonder what is going through his mind. Maybe it's the way I look? Can he tell I was crying? “How is it going?”

“Oh you know, fans, stories, games.” He moves to sit and I continue eating. “What about you? How was your day?”

“Went by Adan and Solas, ended up meeting the Commander, and I should start having magic lessons soon. All in all I think it is a good day, don't you?”

“Met Curly, did you?” He smiles a teasing smile. “Say, can I count you among his fans?”

“Heh, he is handsome alright, but no, count me out.” I wave with my marked hand and I notice that it has quite the noticeable glow when I wave it. I stare at it for a couple of seconds and just put it back down, resuming my dinner. “My attention is already taken.” And I immediately regret those words.

“If I had to guess I'd say it is Chuckles,” I almost cough but since I was half expecting it I manage to save myself the shame, “if the way you stared at him that day is anything to go by.” He has such a sly smile at that point that I don't even know how he can see so much in such short time. “Or is it someone from before your coming here?”

I think I can get away with this.. I'm not lying but he has no way of knowing it, I was in love with him before I even knew he was real anyway.

“He is someone from before.” I don't look at him, though. I look at the bowl which is half empty and I hum wondering if I want to know what it is made from. Better not, yet. “About Solas, well, he is handsome, what can I say?” I look at him then and I got no clue what he is thinking. God I'm awful at reading people, I'm going to be terrible at Halam'shiral.

“Was he...” he hesitates but continues after I raise an eyebrow at him, “at the Conclave?”

“I don't know.” I say simply and continue sipping from my soup.

“Say Crystal, where are you from? I don't think I ever heard that accent before.”

“Oh you know... all around. I collect accents from people I meet and it ends up being a mess.” Talking to people through the internet gives me that luxury.. or.. used to anyway...

“You don't know how to defend yourself, you hurt easily, you're hard to heal, but you travel around?” He looks at me with an expression that clearly states he doesn't believe me.

I won't be able to keep this evading for long...

“Say Varric, why the interrogation?” I smile and eat more of my soup. The faster I'm done the faster I'm out of here.

“Interrogation? I wouldn't!” He plays offended. “I'm just curious!” And he smiles.

“Well, we can talk about my past some other time, what do you say?”

“I can agree to that.” He moves to stand and asks me. “Want some beer? Ale? Wine?”

“Nah, thanks. I don't drink alcohol.” And I've never seen such an alarmed face before.

“You sure are unique, Crystal.”

He comes back a few minutes later with his drink, a large mug with some liquid that smells heavily of alcohol and we talk about Haven, I mean, he talks, I listen. In the end there was nothing new to add to my interest. There are a couple of shops that I get some directions to if I want to check on them later, the place for the blacksmith that supplies the Inquisition and some gossip about people. Not that it interests me but I indulge him, giving him someone to talk to. I don't feel like talking and at that point I'm not really that interested in hearing about what happened in Kirkwall. My mood wouldn't allow me to pay attention to it as I should. I mean, I am curious, sure. But I just have too much building up right now to really care.

I finish my dinner and say my goodbye, leaving the place without caring to look at anybody else. I make my way back to my cabin without issue and notice that the fire has been tended to. I wonder if it was that servant from before. I see what I asked from Adan is on the table and I sort through it. I never thought I would miss my hygiene kit so much, but you never know what you got until you lose it. I tend to my body and when I decide that it would be better to just go to bed I wear only my underclothes and get under the covers.

I really need to figure out what I should tell these people if they ask me about my past. Can I just tell them that I don't want to talk about it? I'll try... I close my eyes and that night I find out what the Fade feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: The Spirit Carries On - Dream Theater


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.04.2018 - Betaed by Calwyn.)
> 
> Decided to give you another chapter today, get the story moving further.  
> Thank you all for kudos <3 It makes me happy that you enjoy my story.

Dreams were always something crazy for me, because they could have so many possibilities. I could not remember what I dreamed the night before, I could dream about video games I've spent hours playing, or about something so interesting and inspiring that I would turn that into a story for the books I never finished, even have some really intense dreams that felt so real that I would be affected by those feelings for hours, be it loving someone that I don't know and wake up missing them, or feeling restless if it was a nightmare. The best were the calm ones, where I would just wake up feeling peaceful.

Nightmares were something terrible, because they could be really intense sometimes. I once dreamed that I was shot, and I'm pretty sure I felt my chest burning. I wonder if I suffered a minor heart injury of some sort and the dream translated it as I being shot. The worst were the ones with water, deep dark water where I couldn't see the bottom, and usually with plants covering part of the surface or all of it. I really dread that kind of place. And those nightmares would either make me walk over on planks that could break or turn and toss me into the water at any time, or have crocodiles swimming there, just waiting for me to fall. Terrible, terrible.

To fall asleep and immediately open my eyes to a different place is a completely different experience. I realize right away that this is not the kind of dream I am used to. And considering the planet I find myself in, I know what it means: Fade. And I only have one thought in my mind: Please, no demons.

It's daytime and I'm on a beach, not sure if it's the same one where I met that person. And this thought triggers others: Was I already in the Fade back then? Was that ugly creature a demon? Is the Fade in other places but Thedas? Well, might as well enjoy it. I sit down and look at the waves, feeling the wind on my hair and the nice aroma filling my lungs. It feels almost real, I think the place I was before felt more real, so I think that perhaps it was a different place after all. The Fade feels like there's still another layer between me and the place I'm in, as if I'm not fully there. Is it like this for everyone? Or maybe because I'm not originally from Thedas? Am I considered  **from** Thedas since I was brought here? Are the humans here any different from the humans on Earth? That person said I would be here exactly the same way I was back then so that means humans are probably the same. I wonder why I have magic here, though. I didn't have magic when I was on Earth. I was sensitive alright, but I never used magic, heh, there is no magic there as we see it here anyway. Maybe that means if I had proper training on Earth I could have been a mage just like a Thedas' mage? Well, that doesn't matter, I'm not going back there. My life is here now. I should just as well forget about that place.

I don't know how long I spent there, sitting calmly on the beach, just watching the waves. At some point I feel a presence behind me and turn to look. There is a glowing ball floating. I feel like it's watching me, but it doesn't do anything, or say anything. Can it even speak? I think it's some sort of wisp. I think I remember something looking similar to that in Origins when I went through the Harrowing with my mage. This one doesn't seem interested in harming me, though, for which I'm glad. I don't want to fight. Heh, I don't even know how to... Since it isn't posing any threat to me nor seems to be interested in communicating, if it is able to, I just decide to ignore it and turn my gaze back towards the sea. Eventually I feel my consciousness being drawn back and I realize I'm waking up.

I open my eyes and it is still dark outside, there is only the greenish glow coming from the Breach through the window. The snow that was covering it seems to have melted some. I realize that I had no way to tell time. Cassandra had asked me to meet with them in the morning but I have no idea what time that would be. I wasn't sleepy anymore, I couldn't remember a time where I felt more rested. Going back to sleep wasn't an option.

I look at my marked hand, that thing looking so foreign there. How much do you affect me after all? I sigh. I get up and walk to the table, checking the bottle where there was some water. It's almost empty. Where do I get more water? I drink what was left of it and go do my morning routine. I never missed a bathroom so much. I wonder if I would ever get used to this. I have to. There is no escaping this. Only choice is to get used to it. Urgh. When will I ever be used to this kind of life?

I sniff my clothes and they are still smelling good. The perks of cold weather I suppose. The stuff Adan gave me also makes me smell nice this morning and I assume part of it would probably transfer to the clothes. I put them back on and leave, still thinking it's weird that I don't feel so cold. I can't see the moon on the sky. I wonder if it's a matter of time or my position at that moment, or maybe the phase of the moon. Thedas has two moons, right?

I see some people out and about and I wonder if they stayed up late or if they just woke up early. Since I had nothing to do and I had to go there anyway, and with no way to tell time, I just head to the Chantry.

It's a calming place, I have to say it, much like what a Catholic church felt like to me. I was never a religious person, I had beliefs that would mix from many different religions and I never found one which I agreed a hundred percent with, but Catholic churches always felt peaceful, when there was no mess, that is. I hate those things. I can see some women in those chantry clothes but they don't approach me, I don't care to approach them either. I don't see Leliana, or Cassandra, or anybody familiar. I don't feel comfortable to just wander the place like I would if this was a game, so I just decide to sit on a bench and wait.

Looking around from where I'm sitting, I see some nice decorations and notice the building is made half by stone and half by wood, which wouldn't hold the dragon attack at all. I sigh. That dragon will be a problem... god.. I know I can't die but.. urgh... What if Corypheus finds out I can't die and decides to capture me instead? Oh shit.. That thought makes me want to bite my nails. I should get gloves. I start shaking my legs while I wait and play around with my hair.

I don't know how long I waited, it sure felt like forever, but eventually I hear a voice calling me. Cassandra.

“Good morning, Herald. I didn't expect to see you so early.”

“I... couldn't sleep longer and decided to come and wait for you.” Which was partly true.

“I see. Are you still feeling ill? I could have Adan or Solas check on you-”

“No, it's nothing like that.” I interrupt her. “I just think my body already had rested a lot through those two weeks.”

“That.. is possible, I suppose. But if you feel anything you make sure to go to Adan or Solas.”

“If that would make you more at ease, sure. I'll do that.” I almost laugh at her worried face. I suppose she wouldn't want her only means to fix the world to be lost. If only she knew I can't die. I actually wonder what she would do. Would she stop worrying? Would she worry more? Would she think I'm an abomination?

“Well, since you are here, let me introduce Josephine to you, she is our ambassador. Cullen and Leliana should be here shortly.”

I stand up and follow her through the place. We go past some doors and we get to a room where a woman wearing some really flashy clothes is sitting behind a desk, running a quill quickly through a sheet of paper.

“Good morning, Josephine,” Cassandra greets and closes the door behind us. “This is the Herald, Lady Grace.”

“Oh, Herald, it is a pleasure to meet you.” She stands up and comes around the desk, motioning for us to sit on a couch, bringing her slate along with quill and ink. She sets the ink bottle on the table beside the couch and rests the quill on the slate. “I have to say I was very anxious to meet you. I've already been receiving many letters inquiring about you and the closure of the rift and I wasn't sure what was the proper way to reply them, considering we don't know anything about you.” I was dreading this conversation... well.. here we go..

“Considering I don't have any more family,” and that statement seems to shock both women  “or property or anything that would lead to me in any way, can we just not talk about my past?” They look to each other, not really sure how to reply to me it seems, and then I just decide to continue. “You can just say that I'm just yet another victim of the explosion, one that managed to survive, for.. Maker knows whatever reason.” I have to remember to use Maker.. Maker.. Maker. “And for whatever reason I can close rifts and am willing to help.”

“I'm... not sure...” Josephine says, looking to Cassandra for some backup, but none came.

“I'm sure you can think of some way to turn that to our benefit. Appeal to the noble's false sense of empathy, I don't know. You are the Ambassador, you can deal with people well.” I rub my hand on my eyebrows, worried, and sigh. Got to convince them... “This situation is already absurd enough. I don't want to talk about my past or have it thrown at me, it is not a happy one. Really, it can't even be tracked down at this point. You have no need to worry about it damaging the Inquisition.”

“I'm sorry, Herald.” Cassandra says with voice full of emotion. I believe she thinks I'm grieving people after losing everything to the Conclave. “It was not my intention to have you think of sad memories.”

“It is fine, Cassandra. I understand it had to be done.” I smile what I think is a reassuring smile and turn to Josephine. “So, ask me your questions, as long as they don't have anything to do with my past, I'll answer.”

That seems to light the woman's eyes and she quickly wets her quill in the ink bottle and just as soon starts her questions. I tell them to call me just Grace, because I don't have family anymore so a surname is pointless, that I'm twenty-seven, that I'm not Andrastian but I wouldn't mind being called “The Herald of Andraste” if it would help the cause and some other political questions. She gets worried when I tell her that my health was always a problem and she says she would try to get in contact with people that could potentially help me with it. In the end I just ask her to deal with all political stuff for me, saying that I have no talent for dealing with people. We stay there I don't know for how long, but my stomach starts asking me food eventually, causing me slight discomfort. I was never a person for breakfast, but I don't know how long I've been awake for this morning. A knock on the door gets Cassandra out of the couch and she opens it to reveal Cullen and Leliana. They greet me and the others and then ask us to join them in the meeting's room, which is the war room.

We get to another room and I notice there is indeed a large map on a big table, with just a few markers on it. Since I already met everybody they go straight to business, telling me what I needed to know since I would be the one going around closing the rifts. And since I was to be going around everywhere, that I also should take the opportunity to help the Inquisition in other matters. Leliana tells me of the conflicts that her scouts informed her about, and that in the time I've been unconscious a Chantry Mother got in contact with them, saying that she would be able to help calm the spirits of the others enough so the Inquisition could start doing its job properly. Mother Giselle is real.. urgh.. I'm definitely not listening to her Chantry bullshit. Cullen asks me to talk to the quartermaster and that was something unexpected. Is he planning my equipment? If so shouldn't I be talking to the blacksmith instead?

Because the situation is getting more and more dire with each passing day and we will have to leave soon, I won't have time to properly prepare. I am unable to defend myself or fight and it gets the others worried, even with Cassandra accompanying me. Cullen even wants to send some soldiers along, but they decide in the end that it wouldn't be a good idea. I tell them I'm starting magic lessons with Solas soon and that seems to make them more relaxed, still, that would put me in a level below a regular apprentice. I'm pretty sure there are kids out there that know how to use magic better than me and can potentially defend themselves better.

The meeting is over and I decide to ask Cassandra for packing tips. She helps me with it, telling me what I should bring and where to get what I would need. Part of it I will have to get with the quartermaster so I assume that was the reason Cullen has told me to go see them. I also ask her if the general shop in town would be the place to go to if I wanted to buy more socks and underwear, because I can't only have a couple of spares. That definitely wouldn't do. No, no, no. But it's the right place. She also tells me that I, as Herald, could get anything essential from the shops that it would be handled by the Inquisition. That is awesome because I don't have any money. And because I was thirsty after talking so much I ask her where I could get more water and it seems to be a weird question, apparently only sick people drank water. Drunks. She tells me she will get the servants to make sure I would always have a bottle full of water in my cabin.

Everything having been said, I go off to the quartermaster, expecting to only get the equipment I need for travel, but I find out that I'm supposed to do work for them too. Turns out what Cullen wanted me to do here was to get a map and some instructions. I'm to take the chance that I'm to go everywhere to mark points on the map where resources could be found, so the Inquisition could get supplies. That makes sense, sure, but the problem is that I have no idea how to identify said resources. Thankfully after I make it clear for the man that I only know a “few” resources, which is a lie because I actually know nothing, he gives me a book with all the things I would be able to find in Ferelden that could be of use to the Inquisition. Of course the only thing that makes sense for me is the pictures, but that's enough for now, and hopefully I'll be able to learn how to read soon.

Quartermaster dealt with, I go to the general shop to see what I need to do to get more clothes. Thankfully they have plenty of socks in stock, underwear not so much, but I manage to get two more, which I think would be enough for now. I'll have to take the chance to wash them at every opportunity. I hope I'll have plenty.

All the stuff I “bought” are to be sent to my cabin later, so I go to the tavern for some food. It seems it's still morning and I wonder if they would give me morning food or afternoon food. Do they even make that distinction?

I am presented with a few options, and since I'm still trying to force myself out of anaemia I go with the strongest stuff they have around, which ends up being another soup of sorts. This time it has a more consistent texture, a little more like a cream and less like a soup, but still full of stuff inside. It smells nice enough but the look still isn't the best. I wonder if they have good looking soup... Maybe in Orlais.

I look around for the first time and see that people are looking at me with the same look they had yesterday. I wonder if that would ever change. Making my way to the empty table on the corner I sit last night, I pass by some people that I hear whispering “Sweet Maker! It's the Herald!” I wonder if I would ever be used to it. Varric isn't around.

I finish my food and go back to my cabin, not sure if I should check with Solas or wait for him to come to me. I don't want to become a nuisance so going back home won. After getting inside I take off the boots and socks and notice that the stuff I bought had already been delivered. Some inside a box beside the desk, others packed inside some sort of sack. I decide to keep the sack for possible future use while on the road. It might come in handy if I need to carry something. Although gathering stuff in real life is completely different than gathering in game... I pack my bag with clothes and stuff that wouldn't expire. I'll put the hygiene stuff in there in two days when we'll be leaving. I try it on to check the weight and it's bearable, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't go far with it. They are going to hate me for the amount of time I'm going to have to stop to rest.

I decide to take a look at the resources book and I can't recognize any of those things. This is going to be quite the trial. Would it be safe to go around Haven to check for plants? In game there were no threats unless the Inquisitor attacked first... but this isn't a game.. Maybe Cullen can help me with that kind of information.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 08.05.2018 - updated version.)

I make my way through the streets, trying to follow Cullen's directions and manage to get out of the city gates. There are plenty of trees getting in my view so I have to walk down the road a little before I can see some tents to the right. I walk towards them and soon I start hearing the sounds of metal clashing and people shouting mixed with many other sounds. Before I get any closer I'm hit by the smell of sweat.. and that is awful. I can't help having to use my shirt to cover my nose the closer I get to the middle of the training grounds. Good thing I won't be training here.. this is disgusting.

I try to look around while keeping my nose under the neckline without lifting the shirt too much and it is hard. You would think that finding a man as big as Cullen with that furry cloak of his would be easy, but no, not in my position. I hear his voice instructing someone and I was never so thankful to hear his voice. I go to him and he has such a confused face when looking at me that I would have laughed if I wasn't struggling to breathe. I manage to get the words out to ask him to follow me outside of the training grounds, and he thankfully agrees.

“Thank you, Commander.” I finally say after taking a really deep breath, filling my lungs with clean air. “I'm sorry, but I'm not used to such a strong scent of sweat.” He looks at me surprised and then laughs.

“I can only say one gets used to it after not having a choice.” He smiles gently; he is cute, definitely. “But what can I help you with?” I show him the book in my hands and then I say:

“I went to the quartermaster as you asked, and he told me to look around for resources. That is fine, the problem is that I don't know what they look like, since I never had to do this sort of work. He then gave me this book and I've been going through it and it got me wondering if I shouldn't perhaps go around Haven and try to find some of these so I can get somehow familiar with what they look like outside a picture.”

“I see your point. That is a good idea.”

“I was wondering, though, if there are any threats around, because as you know, I can't defend myself. Is it safe to walk around Haven?”

He takes a moment to think and after a while he answers me: “Soldiers and scouts haven't reported anything in the immediate area, I would advise against going farther than a mile, though.”

“Oh don't worry, I doubt I could walk that long anyway.” I chuckle.

“You know you will be doing a lot of walking when you leave, don't you?” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Oh I do.. and I can already see them hating me for making them stop every once and a while so I can rest.”

“That... would indeed happen, specially with Cassandra.” He laughs. “You'll get used to it, though. The more you exercise the stronger you'll get, the more you'll be able to walk.”

“You have such confidence in me.” I laugh, disbelieving him. I know I'm weak.

“Well, you are our Herald and I'm sure you are capable. You managed to close that big rift when you were barely able to stand, you'll be able to do a lot more when you're healthy.” His words somehow inspire me, I can see how he can inspire his soldiers to fight for him. You have great charisma, Commander. “Plus, I train people, I've seen them improve with time and effort. You'll do well, I'm sure of it.”

“Thank you, Commander.” I smile wholeheartedly and I think I see him blush. Cute. “I shouldn't take more of your time. I'll go around searching for these things. Oh, if you don't mind, do you know where any of these could grow around here?”

Cullen takes the book from my hand and looks through some pages for a while. He shows me a few plants, then points towards some areas of the woods. I thank him and we go each our own way after he wishes me good luck and tells me to be careful.

I walk through the woods, keeping my eyes on the ground and looking at the book pages from time to time, trying to identify any of those plants. I manage to find one by what felt like half hour later, but I was never good at  _ feeling _ time. That picture was true to life and I hoped all others were.

I turn left so I wouldn't keep going farther from Haven and I can't find any more plants for a long time. I notice the sky getting darker through the tall trees and decide I should go back. I turn left again and keep going straight, or as straight as I could manage. It wasn't long until I heard a familiar voice. Solas.

“Good evening, Grace.” His voice is so wonderful I feel like I would melt right there. I turn to look at him, coming from my right with a sack on his left hand; I assume he was collecting herbs. “Are you taking a walk?”

“Good evening, Solas. More like studying.” He raises one eyebrow and I show him the book on my hand.

“I thought you did not know how to read?” His voice sounds accusatory.

“And I don't.” I point him the picture and it takes him a second before he chuckles, which makes me smile. “I asked Cullen which ones would be around Haven and he pointed me some and the overall area where I could find them. I still got no idea what they are, but I wanted to make sure I could identify them if I saw them.”

“May I know the reason?”

“The quartermaster asked me to mark the map for resources I came across in my travels, as I would probably be going around a lot closing rifts.”

“That makes sense.” He tilts his head. “And have you managed to find any?”

I turn some pages and show him the one I have found.

“Only this one. I didn't take it because I have no clue what it is or what it is used for, but now I got its appearance in my mind, well, a little blurred sure, as my memory isn't that great,” I laugh, “but I should be able to identify it more easily if I see it next time.”

“Good thing you did not try to pick it up,” he looks at my hands, “you are not wearing gloves and its sap is poisonous.” That makes me widen my eyes in shock and he chuckles. “You should probably only try to pick up herbs after you can read.”

“That is a marvelous idea.” I chuckle. “I'll stick to observing for now.”

“That is best.” He walks up to me and gets one of the herbs from the sack. “This one is for healing.” He lifts his other hand and motions for the book and I let him flip some pages while I hold the book open. God.. his hands are so handsome.. Urgh... I want to touch them.. I want to lick them.. I want to bite them... Oh god.. Focus woman... focus. “It is this one. Elfroot is its most common name.” I raise my eyebrows in surprise when looking from the book to the herb in his hand, it looks nothing like what it did in game. The picture is true to life, though.

“Good to know.” He puts the herb back in the sack and I close the book, looking at the sky after a cold breeze hits my face.

“Light will be gone soon, you should probably go back.”

“I was doing just that when you found me.” I smirk.

“Good thing I found you then, for you were going the wrong way.” He chuckles.

“Oh. Good thing indeed.” I laugh embarrassed while running my hand through my hair, making sure to tuck the strands behind my ears.

“Come, I am returning to town as well.” He turns and I follow. It feels so nice walking beside him. He is around five centimeters taller than me, and I was used to being the tallest person anywhere I went, and his body build is just..  **right** . Cullen is tall and handsome but he is just too large. Solas is just..  **perfect** . Also the energy emanating from him is amazing. And he smells of fresh herbs. Really amazing. Oh god... I'm so lost.

“Say, Solas,” I manage to speak after some minutes of silence, “are you coming with us when we leave to see that Chantry Mother?”

“Yes. I got the message from the Seeker. Why?” He looks at me briefly then turns to look ahead.

“Just wondering.” I'm not sure if I want to express what I think about he coming along so I don't say anything else.

“It is good you brought up this topic. I was thinking about your lessons, and since we will not have enough time to train before we leave, we will have to do it while we travel. But I think I can teach you a Barrier before then.”

“You really think I'll be able to learn that quickly?”

“I will do my best to teach you, but it will depend on you to learn it. I am sure you have what it takes to.” He looks at me briefly again and I wonder what kind of information he can get from me in that short amount of time. “This is the most basic spell, after all.”

“We'll see.” I say, not confident at all in myself, even though his words manage to poke into my own pride, making me almost take it as a challenge. “When are you planning on teaching me?”

He takes a while in silence, I assume he is thinking. He then says: “Do you have anything else to do today? Any more meetings?”

“I don't think so.”

“Then we can start when we get back. The sooner you start, the better, considering our lack of time.” I take a deep breath, feeling anxious.

“I suppose you're right.”

We continue in silence for some more minutes, reaching the road that leads to the gate. I can see the soldiers' tents lighting up from inside, it is quite the beautiful view. Then I remember the stench and twitch my nose.

“Say, Solas,” I say after we enter the town, already lit by candles and oil lanterns, “how does one tell time?” He raises his eyebrow at me as if thinking ‘Are you seriously asking me that question?’ and I can only add: “Please don't ask me why?” And I try to add a pleading face.

He observes me for some time and I look at him seriously but expectantly. He shakes his head then says:

“It is by the position of the sun, moon, stars or shadows.” He notices my confused expression and elaborates it, explaining how the position of each thing around the sky and size and position of a shadow can indicate the approximate time. It takes me a while to get it right, because cardinal points were never my strong suit, and reading stars is just a big no no to me; I could never identify many constellations. Even then I'm pretty sure I will still be quite at a loss with time for a long time.

“It might take me awhile to get used to this. But thank you for being patient explaining it to me.” I smile and he nods, I continue. “Say, you are a Fade mage, specialist on everything Fade related, right?”

“You could say so.”

“What does the Fade look like to you?” That seems to get his full attention and he slows down his pace and looks at me.

“That depends. The Fade can look like many things. It is a marvelous place that reflects and shapes memories and wishes from this world.”

“That I know, but how does it  **look** like to you? Does it look exactly the same as the place where we are right now?”

“Have you not been in the Fade?” He frowns.

“You mean physically? Or dreaming?” I shake my head and continue. “Nevermind. They say I was in the Fade, physically, but I don't remember that part. I had a dream yesterday, though. And I'm pretty sure it was the Fade.”

“So, you are telling me that this was the first time you ever visited the Fade while dreaming?”

“Yes. And it  **looked** .. and  **felt** .. different from my other dreams.”

“Mages can visit the Fade consciously when dreaming sometimes, even if it is limited. You say you did not know you were a mage, perhaps your magic only allowed you to visit the Fade consciously recently.”

“Add to that the fact that I was pretty much broken. Heh. I don't think being unconscious counts as sleeping.”

“It does not.”

We reach his cabin and he lifts the ward, making me shiver once again. We get inside and he motions for me to sit down at the chair, which I do, setting the book aside over the table. He takes the herbs from the sack and sets it over a wooden plate, then comes back to the table and sits across from me.

“Alright. Before we begin, tell me: has your magic ever gone out of control?”

“No. No fire sparks, no weird lightning around, no ground shaking, no anything out of the ordinary.”

“But you do feel energy around you?”

“Yes. Always did.” I was always able to tell when someone was nearby or even when someone would turn on the TV, even if it was far away.

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” The strength in my answer seems to be unexpected to him for his expression seemed a bit shocked for a second.

“Show me your hand without the mark.” I lay it before him on the table. “Tell me if you feel anything.”

For a few seconds I feel nothing, then I feel some tingling and tell him so, then I feel nothing and proceed to tell him of any changes whenever they happened. His expression is nothing but focus until it changes to surprise when I tell him that I could feel whatever it was that he was doing on my hand.

“Your connection to the Fade is stronger than I expected.”

“I assume that is a good thing.” He seems surprised by my calmness and says:

“It is. It will make it easier for you to draw its energy and channel it in order to cast spells. It will also draw more spirits towards you.”

“That would explain that wisp yesterday.” I think aloud.

“You were visited by a spirit?”

“Er.. yes. That's one of the reasons I asked you what the Fade looked like to you.”

“Have you met spirits before?”

“Not like that.” I wonder if the spirits mediums can channel back on Earth would be the same as the ones in Thedas? Or if that person that brought me here was a spirit? I also saw ghosts when I was a kid.. “I must say I wasn't as surprised as I expected to be in that situation.”

“You have thought about meeting spirits?”

“I always wondered what they would look like, if they would try to talk to me, how I would react if I ever met a demon.”

“Most people dread that line of thought.”

“Heh, I've been told I'm not like most people. In any case, this wisp just stayed there, quietly observing me. I know it was observing me, I could feel its gaze on me, but it did nothing, so I just ignored it and went back to look at the waves.”

“Waves?”

“Yes. Quite the nice beach.” I completely lose sense of what I'm talking and fall into describing it, smiling like a fool as I think back on the place. “Peaceful, relaxing, the wind was so nice and refreshing.. oh the sea's aroma was so good too. Too bad it was a bit blurry.” I frown and that takes me back to focus. “Oh yes, that is the reason why I was asking you what the Fade looked like to you. To me it seemed like there was a layer between me and what I was seeing, I could feel, hear and smell everything perfectly but couldn't see it clearly.”

“You surprise me. You not only have a strong connection to the Fade but your senses while dreaming are quite sharp as well.”

“Well, my eyes don't agree with you.” I smirk.

“That is probably a limitation caused by your lack of training. Which brings us to the reason why you are here. We can investigate your connection to the Fade another time. Let us start your Barrier training.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace learns her first spell: Barrier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 08.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Over 200 hits, wow. I didn't think people would be interested in it, and whenever I see a Kudos it just makes my day <3  
> Thank you all!  
> I'm considering keeping the updates daily because I already have a lot of chapters done, maybe give you doubles on weekends too.

I assume we spent one hour just trying to get me to channel the Fade's energy. Apparently my focus wasn't strong enough. Hell, how can I focus properly when he is the one teaching me? I would often drift into thoughts of how he is so perfect and that I couldn't believe I was right there. But once I could properly  _ feel _ the Fade it became much easier; the energy would come to me at the slightest thought. Not that I could  _ do _ anything with it yet.

“Good.” He says, finally. “You can tap into the Fade much quicker now. You must work on your focus.”

“You're not the first to tell me so. I  **do try** , but it is hard.” I take a deep breath. “But I'll try harder.”

“Channelling the energy from the Fade is the base for casting any spell. In order to cast a Barrier you have to turn that energy into a defensive layer over yourself.”

“I assume it is not just thinking it, is it?”

“That is the beginning of it, yes.” He smiles. “Then you must focus through it, make sure that you are not just thinking it, but doing it.”

“Focus... right. Focus.” I tap into the Fade and I feel the energy build into me, then I think about a protective layer covering my body, just like I would when I was trying to learn some positive energy channeling back on Earth, but I don't feel any change, so I assume it isn't working. I look to Solas and as if he understands my questioning he shakes his head, never taking his eyes from me. The thought of being under his intense gaze makes me lose focus and I feel the energy go away back to the Fade. Shit. “Focus.... focus...”

I fill myself with the Fade's energy once more and close my eyes instead of just focusing on the table's surface, trying to ignore his presence even though it's impossible. I can still feel him there, but it somehow helps. When I think about having the layer over my body I can actually  **feel** the energy moving, it's a strange sensation, but not a bad one, then I feel my skin be somehow embraced by a comforting touch, like a soft silk slipping over. I open my eyes but can't notice any visible change. I look at him only to find his satisfied smile. That makes my night. I could live just to see you smile, Solas.

“Very good. It is weak, but you made great progress. We will stop for now.” He moves to stand and I let the energy go back to the Fade, standing up right after. “Do you have any meetings tomorrow?”

“I don't believe so.”

“I think it will be best to start early in case we run into any complications along the training.” He notices my alarmed face and promptly continues. “By complications I mean only that we might need extra time to reinforce your learning, no harm will come to you.” I sigh relieved.

“Sure. How early? Although I'm not sure I will be able to tell time properly.” I smile apologetically. “I'm still new to it.”

“Meet me by the lake at first light, or is that too early for you?”

“Usually it would be, yes, but considering I woke up and everything was still dark today I'm not so sure anymore. The problem is that without any way to be awakened at the right time I don't know how to control my sleep time. I don't want to oversleep and keep you waiting, but I don't know what to do about it either.”

“Go to bed early.”

“Just like that?” I look at him skeptically.

“Just like that. You will be able to get a full night's rest and you will hear the Chantry's bell one hour before the first light.”

“Chantry's bell?” I think for a second and remember it ringing from time to time. “It is for telling time?” He chuckles.

“Among other things.”

“Alright, Solas,” I make my way to the door and he opens it for me, “I'll see you in the morning. Good night.”

“Good night, Grace.”

I make my way to the tavern since it is on the way and get something to eat. Varric comes by soon after I sit down and I motion for him to join me. He sets his mug of drink on the table and sits. I start eating and he doesn't hesitate a second before asking me questions.

“I hear someone has asked a private meeting with Curly today.” And there is his sly smile.

“Not what you're thinking.” I say simply, continuing to eat, knowing he will poke some more.

“Oh and what am I thinking?”

“I already told you, I'm no admirer of his. I only needed information.”

“That is not what every soldier around is saying.”

“I really don't care about what people are saying, Varric, but I know you want to tell me, so go ahead, what  **are** they saying?” I keep eating, calmly.

“That the Herald is aiming for the Commander of the Inquisition.”

“Aiming for the Commander, am I? Pff.” I look at him to see his amused face. “Really, Varric, I'm not. But if you want to write a naughty story about a hero going after the commander of an army, go ahead.” I smirk.

“Oh I wouldn't!” He plays.

“You should, I already got a very good idea of someone who would like such story.” The cutscene with Cassandra embarrassed plays on my mind and I smile. “But you should finish Swords and Shields first.” I say before I have the time to think if I should, not knowing if this was something real.

“Seriously?  **The Herald of Andraste** enjoys the worst of my books?” He looks genuinely surprised.

“I haven't read it, but I wouldn't mind reading it if you got a copy with you. However I  _ do _ know about a really big fan of yours. It is a secret for now, though.” I smirk.

“Are you serious?”

“I'm always serious, Varric. That is something you should know about me. I don't joke. I am unable to. I also can't understand jokes, just so you know.”

“Seriously?”

“What did I just tell you? It is the truth.”

“Well, you sure are unique, Crystal.”

“Hah, tell me about it.”

I keep on eating while he keeps on drinking, then gets another one and we keep talking even after I'm done eating. I'm feeling more comfortable around him and that makes it easier for me to talk to him, other than just listen to him speak. But then I feel an yawn creeping up to me, I manage to hold it but I know then that I already stayed up later than I should.

“Well Varric, I hate to have to go, but I have to go. I have lessons with Solas tomorrow morning.”

“Won't it be too distracting to have him teach you?” And there is his sly smile again.

“Oh you know, just a bit.” He laughs at my honesty I guess.

“Have a good night, Crystal.”

“Good night, Varric.” I stand up and leave him sitting there, enjoying his drink. I notice that by the time I'm at the door he becomes surrounded by people. I wonder if he might start using me as shield soon, or if he already is. I don't mind, though, he is nice.

I make my way back to my cabin and let the book over the table. And after going through my nightly routine I get under the covers, wondering if I'll go the Fade again.

I open my eyes to see the beach once more. I wonder why I keep coming here. It is day again, the sun is as weak as I would like, I hate the heat, and the wind is nice through my hair. I look around and notice there are three wisps this time. They are together and I wonder if they are talking to each other. It somehow makes me think of Rune Factory, these glowing balls floating over the sea shore. I sigh. Another game I never managed to finish and I never will.

I think that perhaps I should walk around, but I'm also afraid of what I would find if I wander. I don't want to find demons, I don't know how to protect myself and I have no social skills to get away with just a really nice talk. I don't know what to do. I wonder if every time I sleep I would find myself here. If that was the case I should definitely find something to do. I decide to enjoy the beach once again. I can't swim, so I don't go too close to the water, but I let my feet get wet and sit down. Eventually I lay down and look at the sky.

I don't know how much time has passed, but at some point the wisps come closer. I feel their energy close to me. They don't do anything, just stay there. Curious little things. The place is peaceful, makes me feel really calm. At some point I hear some gulls and see a couple flying around. I close my eyes and just let time pass. Then I hear a bell in the back of my mind. It takes me a while to understand what that means: the Chantry's bell. I got to wake up. And just like that, I open my eyes to see my cabin.

I stretch still laying down, almost getting a cramp on my neck and shoulders. I'm feeling lazy, but I have to get up soon. No way I'm making him wait for me. I sigh and get up, going through my morning routine, drinking some water and leaving into the cold air.

I think it takes me around fifteen minutes to get to the lake. It is still somewhat dark, I can notice the light poking behind the mountains. And this is the first time I really see those mountains. God they are gorgeous. I look at the nature all around me, feeling blessed for being here. I love nature and I could never be in as much contact with it as I wanted to back where I lived. I wanted to travel to places where I could get in contact with it but I was never able to. I sit down at the wooden pier, letting my legs hang, it is tall enough so I wouldn't touch the frozen lake; and recline a little on my arms, looking up at the Breach. The cold wind blows through my hair but I don't mind, I like the cold and since for some reason I wasn't feeling as cold as I should, it just adds to the comfort. I close my eyes and just enjoy the peaceful place.

At some point I feel the amazing feeling that I get whenever I'm close to Solas. I open my eyes and look to the side, and there he is, coming up to me. The man is silent when walking. My mother would hate you even more than she hates me for it, heh. I was always quiet when walking, causing her to always startle, but he's even more.

“Good morning, Solas.” I greet him with a smile.

“Good morning, Grace. I see you did not oversleep.”

“Getting out of bed was harder than actually waking up, but I didn't want to make you wait, so I forced myself to get up, turned out I got here before you, but I took the chance to enjoy the view.” I smile and see him look from me to the Breach, then he sighs.

“Shall we start your training?”

“Sure.” I stand up and fix my clothes, also trying to remove any possible dirt that could have gotten on it. “Are we doing it here?”

“I assume it could make some people uneasy, so I think we probably should go a little farther. Come with me.” He jumps down into the frozen lake swiftly and I follow, not even a little as gracious as he was, and almost hurting myself.

We walk to the other side and then he stops. I see, then, that he has a book on his hand. He clears an area on the ground with a surge of magic and sets it down.

“I brought a book so we could also start you on your reading, but we will work on your Barrier first.”

“Sure. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

He tells me to summon the Barrier as I did the night before and I do my best to replicate what I did then. It takes me a few tries but I manage to get that thin invisible ‘coating’ on my skin.

“Good.” He says, focused. “You can cast it but it is too weak, in order to make it stronger you need to channel energy into it. Focus your mind on the energy inside of you and send it forth to the barrier, to strengthen it.”

I close my eyes and try to imagine a thicker layer over me, trying to push more energy, but I don't get immediate results. Thankfully he is patient. I assume living thousands of years would make one patient. I'm not that patient, however, and I start getting annoyed.

“That will not do.” I can see he is slightly annoyed at me. “You have to focus. Calm down, breathe, and focus.” I keep hearing it, don't I? I also keep telling myself that.. not that it helps. I sigh and try to do just that.

Some more minutes pass and I can feel more energy passing through me and building over my skin. If before it felt like a really thin silk layer, now it felt thicker, and warmer, more comfortable too. Indeed it was so comfortable that I just let it keep building. It felt like a really nice embrace. At some point it just wouldn't build anymore and I opened my eyes. I saw myself glowing, a really pretty silver glow. I couldn't help but be amazed at what I did and my eyes were shining with pride and happiness. I looked to Solas and he was smiling too, which made me all warm inside.

“Well done. Try to keep the Barrier up for as long as you can.” He sits down and gets the book he brought. “Sit down, we will start you on your reading.” I'm not really sure how close I should sit so I sit across from him, he shakes his head and motions for me to sit beside him. I feel terribly self-conscious but I obey. “Remember to keep the Barrier up.”

“I'm not sure if I can focus on learning to read and keep up the Barrier, Solas.” God he is so close.. this will already be hard enough as it is.

“You have to. Otherwise the second part of the training will be even more difficult for you.”

“Oh... I'm afraid to even imagine it then.” I sigh.“Alright.. I'll do my best.”

He starts reading the cover for me: “The Fundamentals of Magic”. He shows me what each symbol sounds like and because they are quite similar to one another it gets me really confused at first. And it is not easy at all to try to remember what a letter sounds like and still have to share that attention with the upkeep of a barrier. That being said, we stay there for three hours until we go on a break, Barrier faltering a few times.

“You are doing well, but you should eat something.” He says after standing up. “We will resume afterwards. Meet me back here when you are done. And try to keep the Barrier up.”

“Alright. I'll see you later.” He nods and I leave first, heading straight for the tavern to get lunch. I don't dare look back.

People look at me and I can see that they are either uncomfortable or scared, but I don't care. I'm exercising and I'm the Herald, mind your own business, people. I get into the tavern and Flissa already knows what to give me. “Some strong food”, she says with a chuckle. She also comments on the Barrier, saying that it is an unusual color but that it is pretty. I go to the table that people seem to have decided was my table at this point, and sit down to start eating my soup. Varric comes by not long after.

“Good afternoon, Crystal” He sits and smirks.

“Good afternoon, Varric. What is the gossip this time?” I raise an eyebrow at him and continue eating.

“Gossip? What gossip?” He plays.

“You're smirking.” I point at him with the spoon. “What did people tell you about me this time?”

“Oh nothing much. Just that your morning with Chuckles was so good that now you're glowing all over.” And there is the sly smile. That makes me choke and I start coughing.

“Se- seriously?!” More coughing. “This is a Barrier, Varric! A Barrier.” More coughing.

“A silver Barrier? Hmm. Interesting. I think it is the first time I see one. I wonder if the other mages just choose to make theirs blue. You chose to make yours look like that?”

“No, it just came out like that. But seriously? Don't these people have anything better to do?”

“I don't think so, Crystal.” He laughs. “It is good though, it's better than have them panicking because of the Breach.”

“They can find another source of amusement. Urgh. Geez.”

“But aren't you glowing inside for spending the morning with him? Hm?”

“Er..  **really** ? Now it is what? A forbidden love between a hero and an apostate?”

“What? Must everything be about me fishing for research material for books? You wound me. I'm genuinely curious.”

“Riiiight.” I smile at him. “But what can I say? I'm a terrible liar and you would see through me right away, so yes, I like being around him. But I'm a human, he is an elf. He wouldn't ever want anything with me, I don't have hopes he would. He is a great teacher, as you can see, I didn't know how to do anything and now I'm  **glowing** !” I laugh and he soon joins me.

“Well, I don't know about him but there are plenty of elves who have a romantic relationship with humans. Hawke is an example of that, and Fenris even didn't like mages and she's one.” So Hawke is a she and romanced Fenris.. hmm... my kind of Hawke.

“And plenty who don't.” I eat some more and then continue. “But it doesn't matter, Varric. I've been awake for two days and you're already trying to pair me up? First the Commander, now Solas? Who will it be next?”

“Oh you never know, Crystal!” He laughs and gets up for another drink. Which gives me time to think. Could it be possible? Nah... he has too much history in his background, he isn't a simple elf with a short life span.. he has lived thousands of years, humans are nothing but shadows to him.. or bugs.. I only matter because of the mark. I can become his friend at most. I should be happy that he doesn't hate me...

Varric comes back and we talk some more. He tells me about Fenris and how it was hard for him to accept Hawke backing the plea of the mages for freedom but that eventually he just couldn't stay away from her anymore. I tell him that we would have to continue that talk another time because I have to go back to my training, and once again when I look back from the door he is surrounded by people. I chuckle and make my way to the lake.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 08.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I'm posting another today because I won't be able to post tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!

When I'm making my way along the road I meet Cullen, who comes up to me with some weird expression on his face.

“Maker, Herald!” He says. “What kind of barrier is that? Why are you walking around with it active? People are coming to me with all sort of alarmed rumors.”

“Good afternoon to you too, Commander.” And that seems to push him back a little on his outburst. He takes a breath and rubs his hand on the back of his head with a sigh.

“I'm sorry, it's just that we have some Templars that are a little on edge and refugees that suffered from mages' attacks and even if you are the Herald they become a bit alarmed.”

“I understand, but there is nothing to worry about this, as you well noticed, it is just a Barrier. I'm training it. Solas told me to keep it up as much as I could, so that is what I'm doing.”

“You've been keeping it up since morning? Aren't you tired?”

“Yes I have. No, I'm not tired, should I be?” I don't know how mana works actually. “And I see you keep yourself informed.” I smirk and he blushes.

“Well, I am the Commander of the forces, people keep me informed, and I could see you both from the other side of the lake.”

“So you already should know that there was no threat from me in the first place.”

“Yes, but I had to make sure. And let you know what people were thinking.”

“Well, consider me knowing.” And not caring. “Really, Commander, I'm learning how to defend myself, aren't you happy about that?”

“I  **do** feel better knowing you won't be completely helpless out there, Herald.”

“Then I have to train.” I smile. “Hey, weren't you the one who told me yesterday that I would get better with training and effort? That is exactly what I'm doing.” That makes him laugh. Cute.

“That is indeed what I said. Well, I'll deal with those people and rumors, you continue focusing on you training.”

“Will do. Take care, Commander.”

“You as well, Herald.”

And with that I make my way across the lake, going through the low part of it this time so I don't chance hurting myself. I can see Solas already waiting for me. I wonder if he stayed there while I was gone. He is sitting on a rock, reading a book. I wonder if it is the one he was reading for me before or another one. He closes the book with a disgusted face and sighs, then greets me.

“I see you are able to keep a stable Barrier. Well done.”

“Thank you. Bad book?”

“Can you not recognize it?” He frowns. “It is the one I was using to teach you.” I tilt my head to properly try to read and then I can read a few letters and the word ‘magic’.

“Now I can, well, part of it.” I laugh and he shakes his head.

“As I told you before, it is not perfect. But there are some teachings in this that just should not be there. It inhibits the learning more than benefits it.” He shakes his head. “But that is not why we are here.”

“I wouldn't mind hearing what you have to say about it, but say, have you even eaten anything, Solas?” I let my thoughts turn into words before I could hold them back. Shit, I don't want to seem nosy.

“I have..” He seems surprised and I got no idea what to make of it.

“Good.” I sigh relieved. “I'd hate to be getting in your way more than I already am.”

“It is fine. Let us continue your Barrier training.”

“Of course.” I say. I'm pretty sure what he meant is ‘Mind your own business, learn quickly so I can be rid of you,’ though.

He puts the book down and tells me to stand a few meters away from him. I comply.

“I will use a spell on you that should damage your Barrier, it will not hurt you even should you lose focus and are hit.”

“Alright.” I take a deep breath and wait.

“Keep the Barrier up for as long as you can, feed it energy when it takes a hit so it can recover.” And then he sends a pulse to me that instantly hits the Barrier and I take a step back with the impact. I don't think it is a Dispell, it feels like some soundwave of sorts. I wonder if it is the Mind Blast. Does Mind Blast damage Barriers? I don't remember.

It doesn't break the Barrier but I lose a bit of my focus at the impact and I almost lose it completely when I step back. Solas doesn't give me much time to recover though, as soon as I straighten myself he sends another wave and this time I lose the Barrier completely.

“Focus, Grace.” He lets me rebuild the Barrier and then sends it again. We continue for another hour, until he is satisfied that I wouldn't lose my Focus so easily when being hit. “I think this is enough for today.”

“Should I continue keeping the Barrier up for the rest of the day?”

“No. You should rest your body. You had enough exercise for one day.” He moves back towards the book and continues. “I should teach you some more reading before we head back.”

“Sure thing.” I approach him again and we sit down. We stay there for a couple more hours and I notice the sun was already on its way down, the daylight not so strong anymore. I doubt it would be an issue for him since he probably could summon light, but he says we should stop for the day and stands up. I follow and say: “Solas, before we go back, do you mind going with me to the blacksmith? I don't know what kind of equipment I should take with me. I thought you, as my teacher, would know what was best for me.”

“Of course.” He says simply and I follow him.We make the way in silence, not that I mind since I had no idea what I could talk about.

We get to the blacksmith, who ends up being a really strong woman. She reminds me a little of my mother; I would hate to be her target. She barely moves her eye to look at us, but the moment Solas introduces me she stops what she is doing and comes offer her full attention. After taking a look at what she had in stock I end up leaving with a staff that I would have to learn how to use while we travel, and the light armor would be sent to my cabin later.

We make our way into town and, at the crossroads that would lead to my cabin, we part. He leaves the book with me so I could practice some more reading and we both head our own way. Getting inside I leave the staff by my bag and take off the boots and socks.

I drink some water and decide to sit on the ground, leaning my back on the bed. Somehow staying outside all day made me feel comfortable enough to enjoy the ground once again. I used to love sitting on the ground, then I stopped. People nagged me so much about how that was wrong that I just eventually stopped doing it, same with walking barefoot.

I try to read some more but I can't make much sense of most words. I can identify only a few letters. I guess not much can be achieved in one day after all. Hey you know how to properly cast a Barrier now, and not to let it break so easily. Yeah.. Good point. Heh, according to Varric Solas makes me  **glow** , oh well..he sure makes me warm haha.. er.. shit... I stand and put the book on the shelf. It's still early to get food, I'm not that hungry and I don't want to stay in that tavern for longer than I have to, even if Varric is nice company I don't like the crowd. I don't know what to do.

I decide to visit that garden but as soon as I get close enough I see that there is a couple there. Urgh... I turn around and head back the way I came, slowly, trying to think of another place to go. There is no place to go... urgh.. hmmm... I hope the pier is empty...

By the time I make my way to the pier it is already night, and thankfully, it is empty. I sit down about the same place where I was earlier but this time I let myself recline all the way back, laying down with my legs hanging. I lay my hands over my belly and look at the sky: Many pretty stars decorating the black sky and the moon shining brightly. I wonder where the other one is. Which of them is this one anyway? Heh.. I don't know their names anyway.. I'm looking straight up so the Breach doesn't call my attention so much, but I still feel inclined to look at it from time to time. Such an intriguing thing.

Being alone with my thoughts after a busy day seems to make them all cheer inside my head and fight for attention. There is just so many things running through my mind that I have to take a really deep breath and tell myself to focus many times before it actually sticks. We are leaving Haven tomorrow.. I've never camped before.. I don't know what to expect. I can't fight but at least now I can use a Barrier somewhat decently. That means I'll still be hiding but at least if I'm hit by a fireball I won't end up looking like Deadpool, because really.. I can't die and I can't be healed properly.. there is no way I wouldn't end up looking like something really screwed up. Shit, I would hate that.. That would definitely make me want to die and I.. I  **can't die** .. Breathe.. calm down.. focus. As long as I keep the Barrier up nothing should happen to me... Let's hope I have a lot of mana. That actually gets me on another train of thought.. how  **exactly** does mana work? Because I kept the Barrier up most of the day and didn't feel tired. Solas said I exercised a lot, so that might have meant that I used mana, or something similar to it.. right? Was the energy of the Fade inside of me when I channeled it what would be considered mana? Then maybe.. my body would get exhausted from channeling it? Perhaps that was it? Should I ask Solas about it?

Then that makes me think about him.. I might be a burden the way I'm so helpless.. there is no way I'm not being an inconvenience to him.. I mean, if he already sees the elves as shadows, not even considered  **people** ... what am I to him but a tool that has his mark? By teaching me he ensures I live longer to fix that mess he caused when he gave Corypheus his orb but.. I doubt he enjoys my company.. heh.. I wouldn't enjoy my company with this self-loathing I got going on right now.. God damn it woman.. stop this shit.. really.. nobody would want you.. not even you want yourself the way you are.. I sigh. He wouldn't want me even if I was cheery and brave and.. and.. why does he like the Inquisitor? I'm forced to think through it and it takes me a while to form some words in my thoughts. Because... er... she helps people.. she.. likes the Fade and spirits.. helps him on the things he wants to do... and... er..... what else? ... Oh yeah, she forces a kiss on him... No way I have that confidence.. or courage.. I sigh. Whatever.. I'm nothing to him but a hand with a mark... accept it. Be done with it. Go get Cullen... Cullen pff... I start laughing. I laugh so hard my belly hurts. This isn't a game... Cullen is a nice man and deserves better than to be treated as second choice. I sigh, wanting to cry, but I hold it in.

After I finally calm down I notice that my belly was slightly warmer where my marked hand was touching, and I realize then that the energy from the mark was the actual reason for me not to be feeling cold when I should be. Well.. at least you're doing  **one** good thing for me. I can almost hear the mark screaming back that if it wasn't for it I would be dead and in no way I would be so close to Solas now. I decide to get up and eat something before I lose my mind.

 

I get my food and sit on my table. Varric joins me in record time and I just can't be surprised at this point.

“Evening, Varric.”

“Good evening, Crystal.” And there he is, smirking.

“Dare I ask what is it this time?”

“Oh you know.. just the usual rivalry rumour going around.”

“Rivalry? Among whom?” I'm truly surprised and curious, and he laughs at my innocent face apparently.

“Curly and Chuckles obviously.” I roll my eyes and then I just scratch my head, fixing the hair afterwards, tucking the strands behind my ears.

“Again? Seriously?  **Really?”** I look at him with a really bored expression. “Varric.. my dear Varric.. I told you this afternoon.. I'm awake for two days, there is  **no** way such a thing is happening. It's not like I get a mark on my hand and I become irresistible.” Is it? Nah.. it's not.

“Weeell.. you know how much people can talk when they are trying to find things to.. you know.. talk about.”

“Right.”

“And I stay among people a lot.”

“I notice that.”

“So you know that what I tell you is true.”

“So you say. I can't be sure. You are a storyteller and a rogue after all. I'm pretty sure you also might be part of some shady guild.”

“Merchant's Guild, not so shady.” Right.. _ “ _ But you have me there.”

“See.. I knew it.. you are fishing for inspiration, not actually telling me rumours!” I point at him with my spoon and resume my eating.

“Well, yes.. and no.” He smiles and I raise an eyebrow. “People are  **indeed** talking, you know. I just seem to.. spice it up.”

“Not to them, I hope.”

“No, I only collect information from them. I was hoping, though, that you would give me something to work from.”

“I told you, you are free to come up with a story about a hero and the leader of an army.”

“There are too many of those already.”

“And what were you expecting?”

“My editor seems to think that I need something more daring. So I thought 'Why not?' It seemed to be quite possible from what I was observing.. and  **hearing** .”

“I don't follow.”

“The rivalry between two older men that can't wait to steal the heart of the fifteen year-old lady hero for themselves.

“That would be quite daring, true. But wait.. fifteen? Varric, I'm twenty-seven.” His eyes go really wide then.

“You're joking, right? Oh wait, you don't joke.” I nod. “Got to hand it to you, Crystal, that youth fountain you're drinking from, I could have some.” He laughs.

“It is probably called water, Varric.” I chuckle.

“Oh, I guess it can't be helped then.” He laughs. “I'll go get more of my poison.”

“Suit yourself.” I chuckle and continue eating. It really was no surprise to me that people would think I was younger. Josephine and Cassandra seemed surprised when I told them about my age but they didn't comment on it. I am used to people saying I look like a teenager. Heh.. at least some part of my genes are good for something.. That got me thinking further, though: Do Cullen and Solas also think I'm younger? I wonder what they think about it?

“So,” Varric says after sitting back, “you  **really** are twenty-seven?”

“Why would I lie about my age, Varric? Specially since, you know, women tend to like  **not** aging.”

“I don't know. You don't like to talk about your past, maybe you are a runaway noble girl?”

“And I assume that is also food for your story?”

“I'm just wondering, really.”

“Well, let's make a deal. Whatever I tell you is the truth, if I don't want to tell you something I'll just plainly tell you so. Deal?”

“Alright. Deal. So,” he drinks some and continues, “what do you think about Curly?”

“Oh.. g.. Maker! Alright... I'll feed you something for your story. Cullen is handsome, and nice. I suppose any woman would be lucky to have him.” I eat some more, waiting for the question that I know is going to come eventually. What do I tell him about Solas? Oh wait, I already told him what I think about Solas.

“But you have no interest in him?”

“I barely know the man, Varric. But no, I don't.”

“Do you mean you could come to like him?”

“G.. Maker,  **really** ?”

“It is just better to write when I have it running in front of my eyes, you know?”

“In this case you will probably have to get it all from imagination, Varric. I'm pretty sure the lady hero in my story will end up single.”

“That is so sad, Crystal.” And he actually looks worried.

“Sad is my life, Varric.”

“Come on, it can't be that bad.”

“Pff.. you have  **no** idea, Varric. And I'm not telling you.” I sigh. “Trust me, it is better if I don't start talking about it, you don't want me sobbing in a pool of tears in front of you.”

“I definitely don't want that. Let's talk about something better then. How are you feeling about leaving Haven tomorrow?”

“This should really be a happier topic?” I laugh bitterly.

“Are you afraid of leaving?”

“I'm... afraid of  **living** .. Varric. Sorry.. I became grim again.” I sigh. “I know I should be happy that I can at least defend myself with the Barrier, but.. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not used to doing things myself and suddenly now I have to go talk to an unknown woman in an unknown place about political crisis and possibly be attacked by every kind of threat out there between here and the woman.” I run my hands on my face and take a deep breath. “It is just.. too much.”

“You will do fine. You won't be alone. I'll be there, so will the Seeker and Chuckles. And you like looking at him, whenever you feel down you look at him and you'll feel better.” He smirks.

“Oh..  **really** ?” I laugh. “What will I ever do with you, Varric?”

“I hope nothing bad.” He smiles and drinks what's left of his mug. “You say you're not used to doing things yourself, you had servants do everything for you, then?”

“No. I never had servants. My mother, though, did everything for me.”

“Because of your health problems?”

“That is part of it, yes. But she was just.. overprotective and she never let me do anything.”

“You never rebelled against it?”

“Oh I did, not that it did anything. Eventually I only became sad about the whole situation and instead of fighting it I just embraced it, took advantage of it, but it also killed me even more inside, you know? I had no freedom to do what I wanted, but I had no more strength to fight for it.”

“That is quite sad, Crystal.”

“Told you my past is not nice, Varric. And that is not even half of it. I didn't want to talk about it.” I sigh.

“Sorry to have brought it up. My curiosity got the best of me.” He seems to really regret making me feel down so I just force a smile to try to show him it was fine. “To show you that I'm really sorry about it I'll help you with the things you need to do until you can do them yourself, what do you think about it? Sounds good?”

“If I wouldn't be a hindrance to you.”

“Of course not.”

“Then I gladly accept your help.”

We stay there some more minutes talking about what kind of thing could be expected to be found on the way to Mother Giselle and I finish my dinner. We talk a little bit more after he gets more to drink and then I head back to my cabin to prepare for sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to leave for the Hinterlands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 08.05.2018 - updated version.)

I open my eyes to the Fade only to be greeted once again by my pretty beach. It is night this time and I notice a lot of wisps around. Like,  **a lot** . There must be over twenty there and it definitely reminds me of Rune Factory then. They don't pose a threat to me and I still don't know how to approach them, so I just go down to the water to get my feet wet and start walking around, feeling the nice wind.

At some point I notice a few of them started following me. I try to ignore them and start singing a part of a song that came to my mind. The only part of this song that I actually remember: “I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life”. That fills me with so much feeling of love that I feel warm. I suppose emotions in the Fade really are stronger. I should be careful not to have negative feelings here. I notice then that a lot more wisps got closer. Heh, I think they all want some love.

I'm not a touch kind of girl, I like to keep my distance from people. I only ever liked to hug my cats and one of the guys I tried dating. I really liked him, too bad he didn't feel the same way. I shake my head to try and get that bad thought out of my head. It wouldn't do me anything good, at all.

I try to concentrate on the song, maybe remember more of it. My memory was never that good but somehow it’s easier here. I’m humming the parts of the song that I don't remember the lyrics then it suddenly starts playing in my head, and then not much longer I realize it’s playing around me. Niiiiice!

I sit down on the sand and just start singing along. With the song playing on the background the lyrics just come naturally to me, as if I never forgot them in the first place. If that already was something that happened before I came to Thedas, now it is just easier here in the Fade. The wisps join around me and seem to sort of dance in the air, making the scene even more magical than it already looks.

My mind ends that song and just starts playing another love song: “When  you say, I miss the things you do. I just wanna get back close again to you. But for now, your voice is near enough. How I miss you, and I miss your love. And though, all the days that pass me by so slow, all the emptiness inside me flows... all around... and there's no way out. I'm just thinking so much of you. There was never any doubt. I can wait forever.. if you say you'll be there too. I can wait forever if you will. I know it's worth it all.. to spend my life alone.. with you.” I start thinking about my Lavellan with Solas and how I would definitely wait forever if it meant I could be with him again someday.

“When it looked as though my life was wrong, you took my love and gave it somewhere to belong. I'll be here when hope is out of sight. I just wish that I was next to you tonight. And oh, I'll be reaching for you even though, you'll be somewhere else, my love, we'll go.. like a bird on it's way back home. I could never let you go, and I just want you to know. I can wait forever.. if you say you'll be there too. I can wait forever if you will. I know it's worth it all to spend my life alone, with you.”

After the music ends no other one starts playing, leaving me sitting on the sand, looking at the waves shining with the glow of the moons and the stars, surrounded by happy wisps. I can feel their happiness, it is a curious thing. I lay down and just enjoy the warm feeling that I got in my chest. I always liked being in love, even if it meant that the person I loved didn't love me back. At least I didn't feel empty. And at that moment it just felt so much more intense. I wish he would love me too, but even if he didn't, I was happy that I could at least be near him for whatever time it was possible. A thought hit me then: How strong a thought has to be for someone to notice another in the Fade? It would be so awkward if he could  **feel** what I'm thinking about him right now.. there’s no way I could explain this... I sigh and just close my eyes. Enjoying the wind, the sound of the waves, the warm happy company of the wisps and the love inside of me. Eventually I hear a bell, and I decide to wake up. It's funny how I can just  _ decide _ to wake up and my mind obeys.

I wake up feeling warm, like the loving feeling followed me from the Fade. It somehow reminds me of those dreams where I loved someone I never met and woke up missing them, but this time there were only good feelings, nobody to miss. I stretch on the bed and almost get a cramp on my shoulder. Shit... I need bananas. Is there banana here? I get up and go through my routine, and after I'm done I put the hygiene kit in the bag, along with washed clothes I got the night before. I swear, these servants might as well be invisible, I never see them. I suppose they are still afraid of me, or whatever it is that they feel about  **The Herald of Andraste** .

I drink some water, fill my waterskin and then put my armor on. It is basically a thick leather sleeveless coat and I can feel the ‘protection against magic’ enchantment humming slightly on my skin after I put it on. It also has gloves, which is awesome so it would protect my hands and make it impossible for me to eat my nails. I slide the bag on my back and get the staff, making my way out towards the Chantry, where everybody was supposed to meet before leaving.

I see a lot of people on the street and poking outside from their windows, chatting among themselves. I assume everyone is curious about the Herald finally leaving to do ‘the Maker's work’. Inside the Chantry I find Cassandra talking with Cullen, Leliana and Josephine. When I approach they all turn to greet me.

“Good morning.” I say, letting the bag on one of the benches along with the staff.

“I'm glad to see you look healthier.” Josephine says with a smile.

“I guess the food at the tavern really helps.”

“That is good to know. I'm still trying to get word from those scholars, but hopefully it will be all sorted out when you come back from the Hinterlands.”

“That would be nice.” I doubt they will be able to do anything if Solas couldn't, though.

“The Commander told us that you learned how to summon a Barrier.” Cassandra says.

“I did. Solas was very patient going through it with me. I really thought it would be harder.”

“I also heard that you caused quite the commotion walking around with it.” Now it was Leliana speaking, she sounds almost amused I think.

“That is what the Commander told me. Flissa told me it was pretty, and I agree.” I smile, proud of my work. Not caring one bit about what everyone was thinking about it.

“It was quite the sight.” Cullen said and when Josephine and Leliana turned to him with an “Oh?” he instantly blushed and ran his hand on the back of his head, and continued. “It is unusual to see a barrier of that color, and that bright too.”

“Do you mind showing it to me?” Josephine sounded excited. She is cute, I must say.

“Not at all.” And then I tap into the fade, channeling its energy through my body and sending it forth to cover my skin. I don't even need to close my eyes or think hard on it. It just simply happened when I thought about it.

They all look at me as if I'm some sort of divine apparition and I laugh. That makes Cullen blush and when I was about to let the energy go back I feel the nice energy that comes from Solas behind me. It doesn't take long until I hear his amazing voice.

“I see you are still able to cast a strong Barrier. Good.”

I turn and see Varric beside him, with a smirk and I just hope he doesn't say anything embarrassing.

“Everyone in Haven is saying you made her glow, Chuckles.” I blush and don't know what to do with myself. Cassandra does her signature “Urgh”.

“I taught her Barrier, yes.”

“Now that everyone is here, shall we get on our way?” Cassandra says.

“If we must go, then let's go.” I say, trying not to succumb to anxiety.

The advisors wish us safe travels and we part, on foot.

 

After one hour of walking in silence, I decide to let everyone know what I know is going to happen pretty soon. “You all should know that I'm not used to walking this much, so I will need to stop to rest before you normally would.”

“Are you still feeling sick?” Cassandra asks.

“No, I'm much better. But the thing is, I am naturally weaker. I can't do much without being extremely tired, Cassandra. My legs are already hurting and it's getting harder to breathe but I'm still trying to push it. I know that it won't be long before I'm forced to stop, though.”

“And you were always like that, even before the mark?” Solas asks.

“Yes. Since I was a kid.”

“She told me she always had help from her mother, Seeker. To do a lot of things.”

“Yes.” I confirm with a sigh.

“Your body is weak, you cannot be healed like everyone else, you hurt easily, you cannot fight nor defend yourself. No offense, but I'm surprised you lived so long.” Cassandra says.

“And survived the explosion that caused a hole in the sky and leveled a mountain.” Varric adds. I look at my hand then.

“I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for the mark I would be dead.”

“How are you so sure?” Solas tilts his head.

“Well, everyone else died but me, the only thing that separates me from them is the mark.”

He hums and we fall into silence for another hour, when I ask for a break. We stop under some trees and I, unable to even stand anymore, sit immediately on the ground, massaging my legs that hurt so very much and I can't even properly breathe. My shoulders and back are killing me because of the time walking and the bag. Solas checks on me but doesn't find anything he could help with. When I try to move my toes I get cramps and I try my best not to scream in pain. It takes several minutes for the pain to fade. Varric goes out to see if he could find some berries after I tell him I love fruits. Solas keeps his distance, watching around and Cassandra comes up to me.

“Do you think we will need to take these breaks often?”

“The Commander is sure that I will become stronger the more I walk, but I'm not so confident.” I sigh. “I mean, I know my limits. If I try to push them I break. I  **might** become stronger but it  **will** take me longer than it would a normal person.” She sighs. “I hate to be the way I am, I really do. I don't want to be a nuisance for you, much less a hindrance. I'm really sorry.”

“Do not apologize for it, Herald.” She says. “It is not as if you were doing this on purpose. It is the limitations of your body, and we cannot do anything about it. I'll think about some exercises that might help you become stronger without pushing you too much.”

“I appreciate it.” I smile, but not sure that I will be able to do whatever it is that she will present to me as exercise.

We stay in silence for a while before Varric comes back with some berries. They are just the way I love them: a little sour and not very sweet. 

“For a city dwarf you can handle yourself pretty well in the woods, Varric.” I say while eating.

“Depends on the woods, these are fine enough. Of course I would prefer not having the trouble to go around gathering or hunting, but I can do the job.”

“Well, know that you make me very happy with these! Thank you very much!” I tell him with a big smile. He smiles back.

I know we can't stay there for much longer so I push myself to stand after my legs start feeling a little better. Cassandra offers to take my bag and I walk with the help of the staff. I try to ignore the pain but the more we walk the more it tries to take over me.

Needless to say we definitely don't make it very far before we have to stop once again. But because I am already drained it takes us much longer before we can resume our walk. We take that time to eat lunch. Varric goes out again and comes back with a fennec that they roast over a fire. I remember the only time I ate something similar I was a kid. My grandfather cooked rabbits he raised in his house. I barely remember it. It feels weird to eat something freshly killed. I never hunted before. The only time I killed an animal it was a tiny lizard that I didn't see getting traped when I closed my door. It pained me deeply. I had to pray to god to calm my heart so I could even sleep that night. I felt awful for days for taking its life. I even led a vegetarian diet for a time, before I had to stop for health reasons. The medication I had to take for depression didn't allow me to eat most of what I ate as a vegetarian, so I had to go back to meat.

I mentally tell the fennec that I wouldn't let its death be in vain and I eat along with everybody. After we are done I try to stand but my legs tremble. There are just no more strength left on them. Cassandra notices and then says:

“We will wait some more time for you to recover some strength, then we will move so we can get to a better spot to make camp for the night.”

“Hopefully we won't find any bandits or rebels around here.” Varric says, watching around.

Around one hour later we move, going further into the woods towards where they say there will be water. Varric walks ahead with Cassandra while Solas stays close to me. I'm walking so slowly that I think a snail could walk faster than me at that point. And  **everything** hurts. My heart is hammering inside my chest, I can barely breathe properly. I'm fairly certain that if I am forced to walk another hour I'm going to faint. That reminds me. “Please tell them if I faint,” I say with difficulty, “to not give me a pillow. It makes my neck sore.”

“As you wish.”

“I'm sorry, Solas.” I say without looking at him.

“What for?”

“For making you walk beside me as slow as this. For hindering everyone.”

“There is no need to apologize for something you have no control over.”

“I do feel bad about it.” Then my vision starts blurring, and darkening. I feel my throat getting tighter. Shit.. I'm going to faint. “Solas, I'm-” I try to take a deep breath but it is in vain. Everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> I knew I Loved You - Savage Garden  
> I Can Wait Forever - Air Supply


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> The elven and elvhen are different on purpose, and she says elvhen with the emphasys it has.

I open my eyes and find myself inside a tent, laying on a bedroll, thankfully with no pillow. Solas told them, I guess. Good. It seems to be already night. I hear voices outside. Varric is talking to Cassandra.

“It will take longer, but we will get there, Seeker.”

“I just hope we don't get there too late. The situation is dire, Varric.”

“There is nothing we can do about it. Whatever the situation is when we get there, we will make it work.”

“How can you be so positive?”

“The alternative is not worth it?” He chuckles.

I hate the fact that I'm holding them back, and listening to them talking about it just makes me feel even worse. All the bad thoughts I have about being worthless start coming back to my mind and I'm drowned in sadness. I start crying. I try to cry in silence, muffling sounds with my arm. But eventually the pain grows stronger. I remember everything that made me feel bad when I was on Earth, and all the bad things that happened since I arrived here. The fact that things will only become harder breaking through any thought of hope that tries to stay. I let myself be taken by despair and curl and cry harder, wishing that everything would be taken away and that I could just disappear. But I remember then that I can't die. I would just eternally suffer here. I hear the sound of the tent's flap and try to hide my face, but I can't stop the sobbing right away.

“What is wrong, Herald?” Cassandra asks with a worried voice.

“N..nothing..” I try to get the words out.

“You're crying. Are you in pain?”

“I'm fine, Cassandra. Really. Just.. ignore me. Please. I'm fine.” I cover my head.

“I.. Alright. If you need anything, let me know.”

“Yeah.. thanks.” I sniff and sigh and she leaves.

I hear her talking to Varric outside.

“She  **was** crying but she didn't want to talk about it.”

“She might have too much on her plate to deal with.” Varric says.

“It might indeed be too hard for someone so young.” I hear the awesome voice of Solas. Hearing his voice made me feel a bit better, if only momentarily. Because once again I was hit by bad thoughts, reminding me that I could never be anything more than a friend to him. And that hurts. And I start crying again.

“She is twenty-seven, Solas.”

“Oh.” He goes quiet for a few seconds. “Regardless, she cannot fall asleep in that state. It will attract demons. I will set some wards.”

I hear the flap once again and feel his presence. I curl even tighter, trying to hide from him. I don't want him to see me in this miserable state, behaving like some worthless creature full of self-loathing, even if that is what I am. I try to hold back the tears and not to make a sound, but it is hard. There is just too much pain inside.

“I will set some wards so you will not be approached by demons when you sleep.” I manage a hum and then I feel his magic around me. It is comforting but I feel like something was cut out from me. “Good night.” And he leaves. I punch the ground, angry at my behavior. Hating myself deeply. And now I have my hand hurting. I'm such an idiot.

I cry back to sleep. And I don't see the Fade tonight.

Cassandra wakes me up, it is still a bit dark. I see that she slept in the tent with me, there is a bedroll not much farther from mine.

“I thought you would like some time to prepare before we leave.” She says. Such kindness in her voice. I feel my chest tighten. “I can take you to the stream for some fresh water.”

“I'd like that. Thank you, Cassandra.” I say with a weak voice and get my hygiene kit and my waterskin.

I leave the tent and feel the fresh air on my face. That on its own is enough to make me feel better. God, I love the wind.

“Varric got you some more fruit yesterday. You should probably eat when we come back.”

“I'll do that.” I follow her with my head down, feeling ashamed and sad. I hear the sound of water not very far and that makes me feel a bit better. I love the sound of water, it’s so peaceful and relaxing.

I wet my hands and it is almost freezing water. I hate cold water. The water in my cabin was always heated by the rune in the basin. But I don't have an option here. I wash my face hoping it won't make me sick. I also drink some and then fill the waterskin.

“I'll give you some privacy.” She says after she notices me looking thoughtfully at the hygiene kit in my hand.

“I.. thank you, Cassandra. I'm not used to doing this in front of others.”

“No problem. If you need anything, just call out.”

She makes her way towards the camp and I decide I should probably pee first. Which reminds me that the only time I peed outside I was still a child, and it went badly. A mess, really. I walk farther from the water and get to a spot that is somewhat covering me and squat down, trying my best not to wet myself. All went better than I expected, until I had to stand up. I'm in no way used to squatting, so my legs falter. Of course I fall down. I manage at least not to fall on my own mess. Shameful, really. Cassandra comes by quickly, I think I might have let out a cry of surprise when I fell.

“What happened? Were you attacked?”

“Er.. no.. I just.. fell.” I tell her, finishing to get my clothes on so she wouldn't see me in an even worse state.

“You fell?” She sounds exasperated. “Are you feeling sick?”

“No, Cassandra. I'm just.. not used to.. peeing outside.”

“Oh... you fell while... oh..”

“I managed to finish it before I fell at least.” I laugh embarrassed.

“If you don't mind me asking, how are you not used to it?”

“I lived my whole life cooped inside a house, Cassandra.”

“Oh. I... I'm sorry to hear that. Do you.. well.. need help with anything?” That makes me chuckle.

“No, it's all fine now. I need to clean myself, though.”

“Oh, of course. I er.. I'll be nearby should anything happen.”

“Thank you.”

She leaves and I make my way back to the stream. I go through my routine, well, part of it. The water being so damn cold and the lack of privacy makes it all too much harder. I manage to feel cleaner, fresher and smelling nice at least. I wonder if I can get some fresh herbal scent soaps or creams in Redcliffe… It would be nice if they have tangerine scent here too... I miss my tangerine soap... I sigh. I hope I don't have to wait until Val Royeaux for something like that.

The day is clear when I make my way back. I greet them a shy “Good morning” and enter the tent to put my stuff back in the bag and pack up. I come out and sit around the fire they still have going on.

“Here, Crystal.” Varric says, handing me some fruits, I recognize the berries from the day before and something that looks like pear. I wonder if it is pear. “I found some for you.”

“Thank you very much, Varric.” I say to him with a bright smile, he chuckles.

“You should also eat some meat later, Herald.” Cassandra says. “You did not have dinner and you need to keep up your strength.”

“Will do, Cassandra.” I manage to say between fruits. God, I love this. I could live off of fruits. “And I.. er.. I want to apologize. For yesterday.”

“Apologize?” Cassandra says.

“Yes. For causing you so much trouble, and then that stupid scene.” I try not to think about how pitiful that was. Nobody should ever see me like that. Specially Solas. Shit, he might think me even worthless now. If I already looked like a kid to him, now I also behave like one in a really sorry state. Urgh.. I hate myself.

“Everyone breaks every once in a while, Crystal.” Varric says with a smile. He is just  **too** nice, god. It warms me inside a little. What would I do without him?

“Still.. that shouldn't have happened. I need to do better.” I look to the fire, I can't look at them. I'm ashamed of everything I've done. Of everything I am.

“I'm sure you will.” Varric says again and I hear him get up. “Hey Chuckles, help me bring down the tents?”

“Of course, Master Tethras.” That voice. I can't look at him but just listening to his voice makes me feel better. I can't help a smile creeping up my face.

“I know the way we met wasn't the best.. far from it..” Cassandra says after a while. “But if you need to talk, Herald, I'm here.”

“Thank you, Cassandra. And don't worry about that day, you were doing your job, I was your best suspect, and you had just lost someone very important to you. I understand.”

“I.. thank you, Herald. It makes me feel better that you understand. Even so, I should have acted better. People have always told me I am too harsh, that I act without thinking. I just don't like waiting for something to be done. I see what must be done and I act. But I was wrong.”

“Really, Cassandra,” I look at her with a smile. If she is anything like she was in the game, we will be good friends. “It is alright. We will fix this mess. We will close the Breach.”

“I.. yes.” She smiles. “We will.”

“Well ladies, good to see you both getting along.” Varric says coming from behind me. “But those things won't fix themselves while we talk. Let's get going?” I chuckle.

“Yes. Let's go. Hopefully I won't have to stop so much today.”

“I must say that would be nice.” Cassandra says with a smile. “Just as long as you don't force yourself so much that you collapse again.”

“Yeah.. that.. I'm really sorry about it. I didn't expect it to happen so quickly. I thought we would set camp before anything like that could happen.”

“Well, don't push yourself.” Cassandra adds. “If you need rest, let us know.”

“Thank you, Cassandra. Thank you, everyone.”

We walk for around two hours and I get some roasted meat from Varric. Apparently he is the one who gets and keeps the food for the group. Or just for me. I'm not sure. Probably just me. They might know I'm not a kid but they sure treat me like one. Or maybe it is just because I'm unreliable, and weak. Urgh.. stop the self-loathing. Whatever it is, I get some from him and eat while we walk. My legs hurt a lot from the day before, but I still manage to keep up. It is not much longer until I'm on my limit, though. So I request a break.

We stop at a nice spot and Varric sets off looking for more fruits for me. I need to give him something for being so nice. Maybe I'll draw him something. I wonder if I can get drawing supplies in Redcliffe. Can I even get in Redcliffe before going to Val Royeaux? I remember in game it was not possible.

Around half an hour later we move again. And it is not longer before we see a green light not much farther. A rift. As we get closer the mark reacts and I summon the Barrier around me. Solas nods to me in approval and we approach. I stay behind because I cannot fight and I wait until they clear the demons from around the rift so I can close it. The energy that snaps from the sealing makes me walk back a few steps but other than that everything is fine.

We continue walking for another hour before I request another break. We stop for lunch this time and Varric goes hunting once again. Solas comes up to me after a few minutes and sits down. Close enough to talk in private but not too close.

“Why do you hate yourself so much?” That is such an unexpected question that I choke.

“What?” I can't manage any other word.

“At first I thought it was because you were young and did not know how to deal with the situation that you found yourself in. But I see that you also hate yourself.”

“I.. er..” I scratch my head. What the fuck? “How...”

“I am observant.” He says it with such a blank face. I got no idea what is going through his mind.

“I..” I sigh. “It is a long story, Solas. And I don't want to annoy you with it. And to you it probably will just be a lot of boring stuff.”

“Does it have to do with the past you do not want to talk about?”

“Part of it, yes.”

“I see.” He goes quiet for a while and I don't know what to say. “Have your health gotten worse since we left Haven? You seem.. tired often.”

“Weak. Yes. You can say the word. I know I'm weak.” He frowns and I sigh. “And yes, the more I do physical activities the more tired I get, the weaker I feel.”

“Do you think the mark contributes to it? Does it drain your strength in any way?” The mark.. of course. No way he would just be worried about me.

“No. If anything it seems to make me stronger.” He raises an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“I noticed the other day, it doesn’t let me feel as cold as I would normally feel. Some sort of cold resistance I suppose.” I look at my hand. Curious thing.

“That is.. interesting.”

“It is.” I take a deep breath. “Say, Solas,” I turn to look at Cassandra, some meters away, watching around, “think we will be able to do my reading lessons with them around?”

“I will think of something.” That makes me smile and he raises his eyebrows.

I don't say anything. He also doesn't say anything for a while, but also doesn't move away. I decide to enjoy his comforting presence and lay down on the grass. I look at the leaves moving as the wind passes through the branches. I feel the nice breeze on my face, the clean air filling my lungs, his warm and awesome presence beside me. This... right now... is heaven.

“You seem to enjoy being outside.” He says after some minutes.

“I do. Nature is just...” I take a deep breath, “amazing. It is pretty, it is comforting, it gives you everything you need and the only thing it asks back is that you respect it. Too bad many people don't.” I sigh. I take a quick peek at him and I see that he is looking at the sky, just as I was, and I look back at the sky before continuing. “Say, Solas. I hear Arlathan was amazing. Have you seen it in your travels?”

“Are you interested in elven history?”

“Pretty much so.” I say, still looking at the sky.

“Why?”

“I just think elves are awesome beings that lost too much and don't deserve to be treated the way they are. And if what I've heard is correct, their greatness was a marvel once. I really wish I could have seen it. Heh, I wish I could have been elvhen. Silly me.” I sigh. He stays quiet for a while and I hope I have not said anything offensive.

“Elvhenan was the empire. Arlathan was its greatest city. A place of magic and beauty, lost to time.”

“Can you tell me more about it?” I look at him and see he is focused.

“Imagine spires of crystal entwining from branches of huge trees. Palaces floating among the clouds, with beings who lived forever, to whom magic was as natural as breathing. A place where magic touched everything.”

“Marvelous.” I say in awe. I wonder if Thedas with the Fade is anything like the cities I planned for my books. The books I never finished. “I really wish I could have seen it.”

“I could..” he seems to hesitate for a second but continues, “show you some memories I've come across in the Fade.” That makes my eyes shine, I'm pretty sure.

“That would be awesome, Solas! You really wouldn't mind?” He seems surprised at my reaction. He chuckles.

“You sure seem eager to see it.”

“But of course! I would really love to!” I sit up, too excited to stay laying down. “Wow.. I can't wait for it.” He chuckles.

I see Varric coming back with two rabbits and I wave my hand at him. He nods with a smile. I feel happy. Wow.. I actually feel  **happy** for the first time since coming here. I look at the reason of my happiness and can't help but smile even brighter and I'm pretty sure he is extremely confused.

“Thank you, Solas.” I say after laying down again and looking at the sky.

“What for?”

“For everything.” I look at him. He is confused alright. I smile. “Just accept my thanks, don't worry about it.”

“As you wish.”

“Say, Solas.” I look back at the sky. “If I'm not asking too much, can you teach me elvhen after you are done with teaching me to read common?”

“Why do you want to learn elvhen?”

“Plenty of reasons. But mainly because I think it's beautiful. And so you can have the comfort of speaking at least to me in your own language.” Shit.. I hope I didn't say too much.. It isn't weird to assume he would prefer to speak elvhen, is it? He stays quiet for a while.

“Ask me again after you learn to read common.” He stands up and goes towards Varric. I sigh. I wonder if I did something wrong.

After a while I move to join the group. Varric tells a story about one of his adventures with Hawke while we eat. We finish and get back on the way. Around one hour later I ask for another break. I just can't walk too long without going without air or my legs or back hurting too much. We wait about half an hour so I can recover a little and then we move towards a place where we could camp for the night. This time I don't faint on the way there, even if I'm almost dragging my feet while I walk.

We set camp, Varric goes out to hunt, Cassandra and Solas sets up the tents while I uselessly wait. After we eat and talk a little I go off to my bathroomless break and nightly routine. I come back and go into my tent, since I'm not part of the watch because I'm weak and can't do anything. And according to Solas, if I rest properly we can walk about the same distance tomorrow and reach the scout's camp by nightfall. So to sleep I go.

I open my eyes in the Fade, expecting to see my pretty beach full of wisps, but, things are different. Too different.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace meets a demon, things turn really bad and she learns a new spell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Weekend, so double chapters! (this one is shorter but it is quite heavy)  
> Also I'm going to edit a few chapters so I can name the songs that she sang, I ended up forgetting to do it. If you were curious about what they were, check the end notes of those chapters.

My peaceful beach is stormy. The wisps are gone. It all makes me uneasy. I try to not let it affect me but it’s almost overwhelming. I try to fight that feeling, telling myself to calm down, breathe and focus. But it’s hard. Too hard.

“I felt your turmoil the other night, child.” A somewhat sick voice speaks. I look around and don't see anything; but the feeling of dread is stronger. “You called to me. You called so aloud.”

“Who are you? Show yourself.” I say, turning around and around but not seeing anything but the waves crashing violently on the shore. I don't want to be threatened by something I can't see, but at the same time I'm afraid of what I'm going to see. I'm pretty sure this is a demon.

“You know me well, child. Open your arms to me, let me embrace you.”

“I'm not letting you anywhere close to me!” The pressure inside my chest increases, though, and I feel like I am about to suffocate. The dread is strong. I try to force myself to wake up but I can't. Something is blocking me.

“You have no power against me. You have no power against anything.”

“You're wrong!” I try to speak firmly but my voice falters.“I.. I'm not weak!”

“That is not what you tell yourself everyday.” I feel a cold air around me. It's too cold. I feel alone. Helpless. “You are weak. You are worthless. You don't deserve anything. The world is better without you. No one will ever love you. You cannot help anyone.  **He** will never love you.”

“You..” Tears pool in my eyes, my chest is cold and my throat is tight. “You are wrong!”

“You are a mistake. You never do anything right. You are doomed to fail.”

“No! I'm... I can succeed if I keep trying! I can... I...” I feel sad, too sad. I feel... hopeless. I start crying.

“Yes, child. Let me embrace you. You will feel better after I do.”

“No..” I let myself fall on the sand and curl on the ground, holding my legs tight. “You won't touch me... you won't...”

“Why not? At least I want to. He won't. You know that. He only wants the mark. His mark. The mark you should never have gotten. You are another of his mistakes. He will feel better after you are gone. He won't have to bother with teaching you. You are so helpless. You are nothing but a nuisance to him. He can't even have time for himself because he has to look after you. You keep getting hurt. You hinder everyone. You get in the way of everything.”

“That... is true.” The cold increases, my throat tightens, I feel miserable; even worse than I felt that night in camp. I'm choking on my own feelings.

“That's the way, child.”

I feel a really cold presence behind me, then. And I turn to look. This thing in front of me only is not worse than that thing I saw on that dark place. This thing, this... demon... is wearing some sort of rotten robe, its mouth is open and... no... not open... it is... stuck in a scream. And it has no eyes, its sockets are empty. A really cold air comes from it, and its breath is simply freezing and seems to suck all warmth from me. I feel afraid, I feel terrified, but I cannot move. I am overwhelmed.

I know that if I don't do anything this demon will take hold of me. I got no idea what will happen because I can't die, but I'm pretty sure that I don't want to find out. I try to focus what is left of my energy to move away and I manage to crawl a little. That is enough to upset the demon once again. Its skeletal hands move towards my face slowly.

“You still fight me.”

“I don't want to die.” I manage to say among tears and sobs.

“You won't die. You and I will be one. As it is meant to be. You know that. You have felt me all your life.”

“Despair.” I say, realizing what it is.

“Yes, child. Come to me.”

“No.” I crawl a bit farther, not taking my eyes from the dreadful creature.

“Why not? You have nothing else to lose. You have already lost everything. Even your chance to end it was taken away from you. You are constantly being punished, with no hope for a better future. You've seen what is ahead of you, all the suffering that you will have to bear. You don't have to go through that. You have already gone through enough. You know you don't have the strength to make it through. And no one will help you. You think the dwarf will help you? He doesn't care about you. The moment you show him that you are beyond helping he will abandon you. He will go back to his bird friend. The woman is only taking care of you out of duty. You don't matter. And the wolf? You know him very well, child. He won't help you. He bears with you because of the mark, but if you get in his way, he will get rid of you. He doesn't care about you. He will never love you. You don't matter. You are worthless. Nothing you do matters. Nothing ever works for you. Everything you try fails. Everything you touch breaks. Everyone you care about leaves. You have no one. You have nothing. You will always have nothing. You will never succeed. You don't have a future. Your existence is a mistake. You have no purpose. Your life is empty. Let me fill it.”

“I..” I'm drowning in sadness, no.. in despair.. I can't stop crying, the pain is too much. I just want it to end. Everything it said is true, isn't it?

“Yes, child. Just like that. Let me in.”

I don't have the strength to fight it. I'm already taken by my own despair; the demon making everything more intense. I curl into a ball and cry as I haven't cried since... since that night I decided to kill myself. I run my hands through my face and hold my hair tight. Too tight. I need to hold onto something. My chest is so empty. So cold. I... I...

I feel the demon closer to me now. Too close. And I don't have the strength to pull away, or to push it. I don't have the strength to do anything. Weak... worthless... useless... The emptiness inside me is too much. The only feeling I have in me is loss. I lost everything. I lost myself. Again.

 

I'm embraced by darkness. I feel numb. I... don't feel anything. I don't hear anything. I don't see anything. I'm... floating. Is this what it feels like to finally die? Wait... I can't... die. Where am I? This is... not that dark place. There is no pressure anywhere. I remember, then, Solas's words: calm down, breathe, focus. And I try to breathe and to focus. I don't need to calm down because I'm not restless. I'm not anything, really. How weird, this emptiness.

I try to focus harder and remember what I was doing, where I was before coming here. I remember being in the Fade. My beach. Wait, not  _ my _ beach. It was stormy. My beach is serene, peaceful. Full of Rune Factory's wisps. I smile at the memory. Smile. It feels foreign to smile. Focus. I take a deep breath.

Why was my beach stormy again? Oh, right, Despair found me. And I lost my encounter with Despair. I knew I was weak but, really? That quick? I didn't even pose a challenge. Urgh.. Stop the self-loathing. What happens now that it has me? Will it go around in my immortal body? Would they try to kill me for being an abomination?

I wonder if Despair can fight in my useless body. What would Solas think of me losing my mind to a demon? Would I prove to him that I am a weak human? What would Varric think? I'll miss Varric. His sense of humor. Trying to make romance novels about my life. I laugh. I already miss him. Cassandra... her dream of fixing the world thrown out of the window. What would they do? What... would happen to the world? I, then, remember the vision of the future in Redcliffe. Solas consumed by red lyrium. I... I can't let that happen! No fucking way! I feel the world around me shake.

I need to get out of here. I need to get back to my body. How long has it been? Has it been long enough to cause harm to anything? Shit... Stupid... stupid... you are so fucking stupid! The world shakes and I see some cracks around me. Light is trying to break through. Good. Let there be light! Hah!

“Let me out!” I scream as loud as I can. The cracks spread.

“Let me the fuck out of here!” I scream louder. I feel my chest warmer. I  **feel** .

“Despair, get the hell out of my mind you piece of shit!” I scream once again, wishing for this prison or whatever it was to break. And the light spreads farther. I can see some semblance of a sky out there.

“Let me out!” I'm feeling excited. I feel hope. More light. Good. Keep breaking.

I think about losing my chance to be friends with Solas. The chance to show him that I'm more than a shadow, that I agree with him. And Despair took it from me.

“I am so going to turn you into pieces! You got no idea who you messed with!” The place keeps falling apart, and I feel anger building inside of me. Anger at myself for losing, anger at Despair for taking advantage, anger at my stupid situation. I need to get out. I need to fix my mess. “You will regret this!”

I know that I cannot let myself be consumed by anger or I will draw another demon, and dealing with one already proved enough trouble, but at this second that is the motivation I have to get out. And I am getting the hell out of this fucking place!

The whole place shatters and I fall on the beach. It is still stormy. Despair seems surprised that I managed to break through. It takes a few steps back and I feel myself get warmer. I so want to punch it right now. I channel the energy of the Fade and it comes so strong to me. I guess casting magic here is easier as well, even if my body is not here. Mind power... nice.

“If you don't want to die, get the fuck out of my sight!” I almost snarl at it.

“How...” Is all that it managed to say.

“Get the fuck out while I still have it in me to forgive you for messing up my life!” I'm really, really pissed off, my patience is running thin, but I want to give it a chance. It seems not to believe me, though. It grows bolder and walks towards me.

“You can't defend yourself. You are weak. You have no power.”

“Enough of your words! You will not trap me again! Third warning. Last chance!”

“Child, there is nothing you can do against me. I know everything about you.”

“You know  **nothing** about me!” I summon the Barrier around me, and it grows oh so bright. It is marvelous. As Varric says: I  **glow** ! And such a pretty glow too. I love pretty things. I remember Solas' words: “Thinking is the first part of any spell”. So I think. “The second part is  **doing** it”. So I do it. I will the energy of the Fade to engulf that sorry creature in fire. And it does. A pillar of fire like those I used to cast in Dungeons and Dragons Online with my cleric hits it right in front of me. Such a beautiful pillar of light falling from the sky, connecting to fire on the sand. Despair takes its both arms straight to where its eyes would be and wails in pain. Such a piercing scream. It disappears in an explosion of smoke.

“I warned you.” And I have not one ounce of regret.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down and focus. My beach starts to calm down too. I smile at myself. Satisfied that in the end I managed to get rid of the demon. But now I have to figure out what happened to my body. And I will myself to wake up.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)

I open my eyes, or as it seems, I blink my eyes. They seem to have been open for quite a while. They are dry and I have to blink a few times to wet them again and become comfortable. I'm laying down, staring at the ceiling of the tent. I notice that Solas' presence is close to me but I feel a pressure around me. I can't move. I look around and see that Cassandra is kneeling in front of my feet, Varric is sitting far away with a worried face and Solas is... I can move my head a little and I see that he is right behind me.

“Crystal... is that you?” Varric's voice is almost broken. Cassandra's eyes snap open and I feel Solas' magic tingling on my skin.

“Yes.” I cough. My throat is quite dry too. “I hope my body hasn't done any harm?” I ask tentatively... afraid of even asking.

Varric looks straight through me and I think he is looking at Solas. He sighs relieved and moves to get my waterskin. I feel Solas move behind me and soon I see him sitting beside me. Cassandra relaxes back and I feel the pressure lift. I get the waterskin from Varric and drink half of it. I am  **really** thirsty.

“How long was I out?” I attempt to get answers. I find it weird that they aren't speaking. I expected at least a heavy shower of criticism and chastising after seeing that they were still around and the world hasn't ended.

“You were possessed for half a day.” Cassandra states bitterly and I sigh in relief. Good, it wasn't long.

“The demon didn't do anything, did it?” I sit and look at them, they are so serious and so quiet. I don't know what to think.

“Whatever it is that makes you unable to be healed also made the demon unable to use its abilities through you.” Solas says plainly. I raise my eyebrows then I smile. That is great!

“Oh, that’s a relief.” I manage to say.

“Were you any other person, I would have killed you.” Cassandra says. You would have  _ tried _ to kill me... I can't die. “But since it was unable to do anything, Solas decided to investigate the Fade and find out about what had happened.”

“And did you find out?” I ask him and his face is unreadable. What is he thinking?

“I could not find you in the Fade. But I could feel that you were alive.”

“We decided to keep you immobilized while he searched. Until we could no longer wait.” Cassandra says, with pain in her face. I wonder if it is for me or for the world.

“I'm sorry this happened. And I thank you for trying to save me.”

“I...” Cassandra says and her expression is weird. “I have never seen a person come back from demon possession before.” The Hero of Ferelden did but I doubt you would know that.

“It does require a great deal of willpower.” Solas says.

“I think if I had that to begin with I wouldn't have lost to it.”

“Hey Crystal, don't sell yourself so short. You made it back on your own!” He is smiling but I can see he is  **very** uneasy.

I can't say anything to them anymore. I sigh.

“How do you feel?” Solas asks.

“I feel...” How do I feel? “Sore. Like I've been beaten everywhere.”

“I suppose that means we will not be moving camp today.” Cassandra says.

“I'm sorry. I could force myself to walk but I'm not sure if I would go very far.”

“It's alright.” She says. “We should move when you are better. Varric, can you hunt?”

“Of course, Seeker. See you in a bit, Crystal. I'll bring you some fruits if I see any.” He grabs Bianca and leaves the tent.

“I'll go get you some more water, Herald.” She leaves and then it is just me and Solas, and he has such a weird expression on.

We stay quiet for a while. I got no idea what I could say to him. And hell, I got no idea what is going through his head.

“You seemed calm enough last night,” he finally says, “I did not think it necessary to ward your dreaming. I am sorry, this will not happen again.”

“It was not your fault, Solas.” I say, sadly. “It’s nobody's fault but my own. I was weak. And that demon seemed to have been waiting for me since that night. It would have found me eventually, I cannot be severed from the Fade forever.”

“You are right. And it would not be right, or wise, to keep you from the Fade, but you have to be more cautious. However, what makes you think it was waiting for you?”

“It told me that I called to it that night. That it felt my 'turmoil' as it said.” I sigh.

“You were indeed very distressed that night. But I must say it is unusual for someone to be possessed by Despair. Desire or Rage are much more common. What ails you so deeply?”

“It is...” I sigh, “a lot of things, Solas. Sometimes it just becomes too much. And the demon knew exactly which words to say to make me break, and drown in it.” I run my hands through my hair. “Not to mention things feel much too stronger in the Fade.”

“I must admit I am surprised to see you made it back on your own, as inexperienced as you are.”

“It wasn't easy. Heh, not one bit. But I couldn't let it go around in my body while the world fell apart. I should have been stronger to not be possessed at first but... I couldn't keep making mistakes. One thing had to go right.” I laugh bitterly.

“Do you remember where your spirit went to while the demon had your body? I could not find you anywhere.”

“I have no idea where that was.” I think back to the place. “It was... dark... like, completely dark, and there was no sound, no air, nothing. And I couldn't  **feel** anything... and that was what bothered me the most. I like feeling, you see. I'm a bag of feelings.” I laugh bitterly. “Too bad lately they are mainly bad feelings.” I sigh. “In any case, the place started shattering after I became restless, and I found my way back.”

He stays quiet for a while, observing me. I feel uneasy and look at the tent's flap. It seems to be a nice day outside. His voice brings me out from my blank thoughts.

“I saw you confronting the demon. I thought about intervening but I decided to wait and see if you would need my help. Your behavior made me curious enough to wait. Why would you offer the creature who attempted against your life the choice to go away?”

“You saw that, did you?” I laugh somewhat ashamed. I sigh. “Well. There is this thing about me, Solas: I believe that everything goes both ways. Just as a spirit can become a demon, I believe a demon could become a spirit. A person can redeem themselves and I think a demon could also come to a point where that corruption in its essence would fade and it could transcend to a spirit.”

“That is an interesting thought. Few are even comfortable enough with the idea of spirits not being something to be feared, but you would give a second chance to a demon.”

“Without the chance to ever reconnect to the positive side of its nature it would die a demon, it is too sad.” I remember what happens to Wisdom. “Too bad it didn't take the opportunity.”

“I also saw you cast a spell I did not teach you.” He says after a while in silence. I wonder what he thinks about my opinion on spirits. “How did you manage it?”

“Well...” I give him a shy smile. “I remembered you teaching me. I thought about what I wanted to do, and turned that thought into deed. The Fade supplied me with the strength I didn't have and it simply happened. The Fade really is marvelous. Everything is stronger and easier and... more  **intense** there.” I sigh. How would a world  **feel** like without the Veil?

He falls into silence and stands up after a while.

“Come. Fresh air would help you feel better.”

“I guess you're right.” I stand up and follow him outside. And oh how it feels awesome to have the wind hitting my face, passing through my hair. I take a deep breath. I love the wind.

“I love this.” I say to myself. Eyes closed, just feeling the air in motion.

“What do you love?” Solas asks me. I don't open my eyes.

“The wind. I love the wind.” I take a deep breath. And being here with you. But I don't dare tell you that.

I sit down under a tree nearby and look around the camp. Two tents up, fire is out, some bags around on the ground. I see Solas walking towards the fire and with a simple hand gesture he lights the logs. He moves his head and I can see his ears twitch. Cute. That is something I used to do. I hope I don't do it here or people probably will start looking at me weird. I look at the sky and it is such a nice blue. I never used to like blue skies, because it meant hot-as-hell weather. But here it just means it is comfortable, not too cold, not that I seem to be affected by cold anyway, and not hot at all.

I hear some footsteps and see that Varric is coming with a fennec. Poor little creature. But we have to survive, and I accept that. I dread the day that I will have to be the one to take away a life, though. I wave to him with a smile and he smiles back. He seems to be more relaxed now. Good. I see him turn towards Solas and they are almost whispering something. That makes me somewhat self-conscious. They talk for a while and then Solas takes the fennec from him to prepare it over the fire. Varric comes to me and before he even gets close he pulls some fruits from his little bag. I can feel my eyes shine and he smiles brightly.

“Oh, thank you very much, Varric!” I take the fruits from him and start eating them. “Delicious!”

“Glad you like them, Crystal.” He smiles. “And please don't go losing battles against demons in the Fade? I would hate to see that happen again.”

“I will do my best, Varric. That is definitely something I don't plan on letting happen again.”

“Good. Also, I asked Chuckles to help you with that.” That makes my eyes go wide and he laughs. “The man is our Fade expert, and he understands spirits and demons better than anyone. There is no one better to help you with it.” He whispers with a sly smile then: “And I'm pretty sure you will appreciate more hours with him.” It makes me blush and he laughs, aloud.

“Will I ever stop being food for your books, Varric?”

“Aw, I'm just trying to do what is best for you! If I manage to get some inspiration on the side it is just better, you know?” He smirks and I shake my head.

I hear some footsteps beside me and Varric says it is Cassandra coming back. He moves back towards the fire.

“Are you feeling better, Herald?” She asks handing me the waterskin.

“Thank you, Cassandra.” I pick the waterskin and drink a little. Spring water... nice. “The fresh air helps. Hmm... I think I have to pee... I'll be right back.” I leave the waterskin where I was sitting and make my way out of camp.

I come back a while later and go into the tent, getting my hygiene kit to clean my hands. I get back outside and join them around the fire. Cassandra doesn't seem to hate Varric so much anymore. These past days traveling together plus the days in Haven seemed to have made them able to tolerate themselves better. They still have a long way to go, though. As I do... I can't really say any of them is my friend yet, can I?

“So... do I want to know what the demon did while it was using my body?” They look among themselves, apparently unsure if they should tell me or not.

“It was shocked to find out it could not use any abilities in your body.” Solas said calmly. “It did not get to do anything.”

“And after the Seeker immobilized it, it couldn't even say anything anymore.” Varric added.

“Hmm. I can't even imagine what it must have been for you guys.”

“It wasn't a nice sight.” Cassandra said, her expression seems... conflicted? “And it was a terrible experience. For hours I thought all hope was lost. Without you to close the Breach...” She sighs. “I don't know what we would have done.”

“I'm sorry.” I say, looking at my hands. “I... never meant for it to happen. It just... was... hard... to listen to what that demon threw at me. I was... overwhelmed.”

“Despair can be difficult to escape.” Solas says and I look at him, he is looking at the fire.

“Crystal... we need to cheer you up, girl.” I laugh bitterly. It might not be that easy, Varric.

“Although I agree 'cheering her up' would be helpful, it would not be the solution. Despair is much more complex than sadness, Master Tethras. It is a deep feeling of loss. When one no longer has hope for a better future.”

“That is just too grim, Chuckles. Is that what you truly feel like, Crystal?” He looks at me, I can see he is truly worried. Aw Varric.

“It is.” I say with a sad smile.

“I...” Cassandra starts and sighs. “I cannot comprehend what might possibly have happened to make you this way, but, if I can help you in any way; to lessen your trouble...”

I look at her and I see that she seems so honest with her words. Does she truly cares?

“Thank you, Cassandra. Can we... uh... talk about something else? Before I start crying?” I sniff and rub my eyes, then I laugh. I'm getting emotional too easily... I sigh.

“Of course, Crystal. Let me tell you one of the adventures I had with Hawke.”

And we stay there, listening to Varric tell his tale. It turned out to be a fun one, and I laugh quite a lot. It makes me feel much lighter. We eat after it is roasted and then Solas comes up to me.

“I think we could train you on that spell you used against the demon.”

“Sure.” I stand up and follow him away from camp. Leaving Cassandra and Varric around the fire.

We move to a safe distance from them, but still in sight of the camp. He tells me to summon the Barrier just in case and I do so. Then he tells me to reproduce what I did in the Fade on a log nearby. Do I fail? Of course I fail. I fail many, many times. “Focus” is what he tells me. I take a deep breath, I try to focus, I try to think through the energy flowing through me, but it doesn't work. The day passes and we continue through the night. When I'm annoyed enough at my inability to properly do it a spark burns the log. Oh... Right, I was pissed off at the demon. I had anger “burning” inside of me. Right. Cliche but there is some correlation between fire and anger, in any culture. So I try to feel that heat that comes with the anger. I channel the Fade energy through me, think about that fire pillar hitting the log and there it hits. With a loud boom there is light coming from the sky and fire burning from the ground and the log is left smoldering.

“Well done. And that spell is... beautiful.”

“It... is.” I look at the log burning and I can't believe that I finally did it. I might get good at this yet. And that thought makes me feel proud and it gives me hope. I smile brightly.

“Come, let us go back to the others.”

“That was impressive, Crystal!” Varric says but I can see Cassandra is just as astounded.

“Heh... that is something I learned while fighting that demon.” That makes them both raise eyebrows.

“You keep surprising me, Crystal.” He laughs.

“First the Barrier, now that spell. You keep using spells that I have never seen before.” Cassandra says.

“That is just the way it comes to me.”

“I suppose that is what happens to one when they are not trained in a Circle.” She continues.

“I guess?” Would my spells be exactly the same as everyone else's if I was trained by Vivienne or Dorian? Dorian... I wonder if he will be as awesome as he is in game. I walk to the tree where I was sitting under earlier and get my waterskin, drinking a little.

We stay there, talking and eating some more, until Cassandra says I should go to bed early so maybe I would wake up rested enough to make all the way to the scout's camp.

“I will take the last watch so I can teach her how to protect herself in the Fade.” Solas says plainly. The others agree and we go each to our own tents. I tell him that I would have to prepare for bed first, though, so I get my hygiene kit and make my way to the stream.

 

After I get comfortable in the bedroll it doesn't take long for me to open my eyes to my awesome and calm beach. All the wisps are back, and they seem to have brought even more friends. My Factory seems to be very productive in this beach, haha. I make my way to the water and wet my feet. I open my arms and feel the wind through my hair. I missed this.

“Such a beautiful place you have here.” His voice sounds even more magical here. I look back to see him standing on the sand. Quite the sight with the wisps around him. Funny that I don't feel his presence. I wonder if he is masking it here in the Fade.

“It is my heaven, I think. I love it here. And they seem to love it too. Every night there are more and more of them.”

“You do have quite the nice atmosphere here. It is very different from last night.”

“Yes.” I frown at the thought. “That demon messed up the place. It is as it should be now.”

“I do not know this beach. Is it from around where you used to live?”

“Nowhere in particular, no. The first time I found myself in the Fade I was here. It was nice and comfortable so I never felt the need to change it. Somehow I always end up here.”

“And you can mold the Fade to your liking?” He tilts his head, his expression still so hard to read.

“I suppose. I had music playing here some days ago. It was fun.” Oh shit... me and my big mouth... control what you say, stupid!

“Music? Interesting.” He takes a few steps towards the sea then continues. “I have been thinking, and I believe you are indeed a Dreamer.” Heh, yeah, I suspected that too.

“That is great! It should make my learning Fade related things easier, right?”

“Indeed. Which brings us to the reason why I am here: protecting you from demons. Let us start, we do not have much time tonight.”

“Sure.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas knows she is immortal.  
> Also, a memory from the times of Arlathan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)

“Concentrate on what you feel around you.” He says and I feel the peace of the beach and can't help thinking about how good it is to be with him, even if I cannot feel his presence. “It is peaceful, is it not?” I nod. “When you summon a Barrier you think about covering yourself with a protective layer. Now, in order to create a safe place here you need to project that thought outwards. Beyond yourself. And instead of creating a protective layer, you will turn the peaceful aura of this place into a Barrier in itself.”

“So only creatures attuned to that kind of energy can come through?” I ask and he seems surprised.

“Exactly. Concentrate on that peaceful atmosphere, channel it in yourself and solidify it.”

I close my eyes and try to do as he tells me, but it is hard, even if the Fade makes things easier. I'm not really sure of what I am doing. I try to think about the whole beach as a cell. The kind of cell that I used to build game scenarios in. And I think about it as a safe haven. A peaceful place. A place only creatures that wish no harm to anyone could get in. I feel as if I'm projecting a really nice embrace on the place and being hugged back. I don't like hugging much, as I have told you, but there are exceptions, and this feels nice. My chest is warm and I sure feel comfortable and at peace. I feel  **safe** . I open my eyes and see he is smiling. Oh my god... that smile. Solas, you are going to kill me. My heart can't take this.

“Well done. Do this whenever you enter the Fade and you should be safe. I must go now. Dream well.”

“Good night, Solas.” I smile at him so tenderly. God, I love this man, I know it.

He disappears and I look around to the wisps. They seem to be... happier? I think they can feel the place is safer now. I walk around, looking for a branch, it doesn't take me long to find it. I pick it up and start doodling on the sand.

 

Cassandra wakes me up. She seemed uneasy at first and considering the previous day that doesn't surprise me. She asks me if I'm feeling good enough to travel and I think I am so she tells me to go prepare. And off to prepare I go.

After we eat some leftovers from dinner we pack up everything and get on our way. And just like the days before, we stop after around two hours so I can rest a little. We continue for some more time and then stop for lunch. When we get back on the way, we see another rift. I stay back as before, but I attempt to use that Fire Pillar on some demons that were together. It works quite well, but even though one of them died right away, the other decided to attack me. My Barrier stood against the damage and I fed it more energy to keep it stronger while Solas and Varric finished it off. I close the rift with another push back and I wonder if I will ever become strong enough not to feel that recoil. We continue for another hour and I ask for a break.

“We should be getting close to camp.” Cassandra says. “If we push for two or three hours we can make it there by nightfall.”

“I'll try to push myself, but I can't guarantee it will work.” She sighs at my answer.

“No, you should not push yourself too far. If you need to rest let us know.” She ends up saying. “I need to remember that your health is... different.”

“Thank you, Cassandra. I'll try my best, though. I want to get to this Mother Giselle as soon as possible and start fixing this mess as much as you do.”

“I... appreciate it. But do not force yourself.” She puts her hand on my shoulder reassuringly and I don't really know what to make of it. I get a little shocked and look from her hand on my shoulder to her face and she immediately removes it, apologizing.

“No, it is fine, it's just... I'm not used to being touched.”

“Oh come here I'll give you a hug!” Varric says from the other side of the camp, laughing.

“Nooo, no hugs, please!” I say as if he was threatening me with something awful and then laugh back at him. Cassandra joins in the laugh.

“You had a... curious... life, Herald.” Cassandra says after we calm down from the laughing. “No training, weak health, always locked inside the house, and never receiving a kind touch. I think I start to understand why you have so much sadness in you.”

“Heh, yeah. That is just the beginning of it though. Add to that a whole lot of failures and rejections.”

“What do you mean?” She asks.

“Did you have a loving family, Cassandra?”

“I... was very close to my brother... why?”

“You see, my family wouldn't know the meaning of family even if it was written right in front of their eyes in the size of a dragon.” Just thinking about it gets me a bit annoyed, I try to rein in my temper. “All of them are rotten.” Her eyes go wide. “The only exception is my mother, and even she could be a problem sometimes.”

“I.. I'm sorry.”

“Nah... it's fine. Don't worry about it. The point is, the rejections start inside the family, you see. I had no love, Cassandra. My mother cared about me, alright. But she also caused me harm.” Her eyes go wide again. “Not directly, but through her actions, being overprotective as she was, it broke me. And then she wanted me to simply get things done. How am I supposed to know what to do if I never was allowed the chance to learn how to do them?! I'm sidetracking... that's the failures part.” I rub my hand through my hair and then fix it again, tucking strands behind my ears. I sigh. “Rejections. Right.. I was never loved, everyone I cared about didn't care about me. I don't know what it feels like to be wanted somewhere. To be wanted by someone. To be important to someone.”

“We care about you!” Varric says. “Don't we? I know I do! You know I care about you, don't you Crystal?” That makes me laugh.

“Yes, Varric, I think you do.”

“You  **think** ? Aw come on! Don't be like that! After all these days? You can't just say you  **think** that I care about you. What about all those talks in the tavern? The fruits I picked up for you?”

“Do you mean those were not just to get me to warm up to your story about me?” I smirk.

“Oh!  **Really?** That would just be a side benefit to it and you know it!”

“Fine, fine.” I laugh. “You would be the first friend I ever had, Varric. Can you bear that burden?”

“Gladly!”

“Aw. What will I ever do with you Varric?” I laugh.

“Nothing bad I hope!” We laugh.

“I'm sorry to hear those things, Herald.” She says. “I...”

“Don't worry, Cassandra.” I smile. “It's fine, really. I need to put those things behind me. They are gone anyway. Nothing says past better than when they are completely gone.”

“Your whole family is... gone?”

“Yes. All gone. Told you the Inquisition could not find anything to track back to me. There is  **nothing** .”

“I.. don't even know what to say.”

“There is no need to say anything. Don't worry about it.” I stretch, which causes my shoulder and back do a clack noise. I pay no mind to it as it is a common occurrence, Cassandra seems bothered by it but doesn't say anything. “Well... let's get going.”

We get up and get back on the way. In the end I could not push those three hours straight. I had to ask for another break and when we started moving again it was already night.

 

We manage to get to the scout’s camp and are greeted by a very nice dwarf lady. Harding. And yes, Varric can't hold his joke back.

Harding tells us about the situation and we decide to get on it at first light. She points me to a river where I could bathe and off I go after I eat. I don't even remember the last time I bathed in a river. I was probably still a child. The water isn't too cold and that makes me more at ease. Cold shower or bathing in cold water makes me instantly sick, and I really don't need to be coughing and sneezing all the time and probably running a fever here. I take the chance to wash my clothes and leave them to dry nearby. I would have to leave them to dry overnight. I hope there aren't pervs here to steal underwear or something like that..

I make my way back to camp smelling nice and refreshed. My clothes also smell nice and I set them to dry inside the tent. I sit by the fire to warm myself and dry my hair. Varric is telling some scouts about one of his adventures with Hawke. It seemed Hawke didn't get along with Merrill very well. Too bad, I liked her. She was naive but she had some sort of charm I realized some time after my... forth playthrough or something. She was nice, just needed guidance.

After my hair is dry enough that it wouldn't make me sick I go inside the tent to sleep. Everyone gets their full night of sleep because the scouts can do the watch on their own.

 

I open my eyes to my beach and seal the area just like before. It is not long before a voice interrupts my thoughts about the wisps. Solas. I wonder if he would visit me often from now on.

“I see you already set up the barrier around the place. Well done.”

“Thank you.” I smile. It is so easy to smile at him. “To what do I owe your visit?”

“I believe I offered to show you a memory of Arlathan.” He tilts his head and I smile brightly.

“You did... but, I thought you wouldn't show it to me after... that incident.”

“Incident?”

“With the demon. I thought you would think me unworthy of such beautiful memories. After all, I lost myself to a demon.”

“And you also defeated said demon, did you not? After finding your way back with nothing but your own willpower.” I blush. “Do not give yourself such little credit. For an untrained mage you do very well.”

“Thank you, Solas. I really appreciate your words.” I smile.

“Do you still want to see that memory?”

“Of course! I would love to!” He smiles.

“Then allow me.”

The place around us changes into a blur and then I find myself standing in some sort of park. There are pretty huge trees, so tall and so large, everywhere; light shafts, through the branches so high up, illuminate the shining stones under my feet; patches of grass and flowers everywhere; motes of light floating around, multiple colors just like I imagine my world in my stories. But these were once real. I sigh. I turn around and see huge buildings made of stone and crystal windows. So many rainbows forming everywhere. The whole place is a marvel.

“Solas... this...” I'm breathless. “This is... amazing.” I look at him and he has a mixture of a smile on his lips and very sad eyes. I realize then how it must be difficult for him to see this place and know that it is nothing but a memory.

“It is.” He looks around and then his eyes fall on me. He sees me smiling in awe at everything, at him, and his sorrow seems to lift a little. “Come. Let me show you a place.”

I follow him through the stone path, looking around at the blurred figures of pretty animals, elvhen children running around, people reading and I start hearing the sound of water. I feel excited at what I might find ahead. A waterfall maybe? I love waterfalls.

He stops and I look around. It is not just a waterfall, it is a  **huge** waterfall. And there is just so many spirits around it. Elves and spirits living in harmony around it. A crystal bridge crosses the river and it forms rainbows in the water.

“Solas... I... have no words.”

“Look up there.” He looks at the sky and I see a really huge construct floating some ways away from the woods and mountains. I can't see where it ends. “Arlathan.”

“Solas... it... is... marvelous.” I look at him, amazed, my heart completely filled with thankfulness. I could never have expected to see such a magical place. “Thank you.” He chuckles.

“What for?”

“For showing me this. I... I have no words to express what I feel when I see it. It is just... a marvel. Really, thank you.”

“You are welcome.” He smiles and then looks to Arlathan. “I thought you could use a nice memory after what I heard today.” So he  **was** paying attention.

“I... thank you.” That is all I manage to say to him. I hope my expression and the feelings I have in that moment are enough to make him realize how much it means to me. How it all made me feel so happy. How I feel like for the first time I have found a place worth being in. I am definitely helping you rebuild this world, Solas. His expression changes for a second. I wonder if I managed to let him know my feelings somehow. He nods and smiles. After a minute or so he looks at me a little serious.

“There is something I want to ask you. If you don’t mind.”

“Ask away.”

“When I was searching for you in the Fade while the demon had your body I came across it.” I tilt my head, wondering where he could be going with it. “Because I knew I could not defeat it without having your spirit to take its place or I would risk killing you, I talked to it.” Oh.. nothing good could have come out of it.

“And what did you two talk about?”

“Are you not worried about what I could have found out about you?”

“Heh, Solas,” I smile, “whatever it was it wasn't that grave or you definitely wouldn't have shown me this marvel.” I motion my hand around. What a perfect world this is. “And you would have stopped helping me or would have attempted to kill me.”

“Attempting being the key word in that sentence.” He looks deadly serious now. It is almost intimidating. I would probably be afraid if I wasn't in love with him.

“What do you mean? Would you attempt to kill me?”

“No such thing. However, the demon told me you are immortal.” I'm pretty sure I went pale. “What I am most curious about is how a human managed to acquire such a gift. Was it a ritual?”

“Less of a gift and more of a punishment, really. And I have no idea how it was done.” What is the point of avoiding it? He knows already. I'm a terrible liar. And this is the Fade, he would know if I lie.

“What do you mean? How could immortality be a punishment?”

“It is my punishment. I can't die. But I'm told that if I ever find myself in a situation where I would die I would feel such amount of pain it would be unbearable.” He hums in realization.

“And what did you do to deserve such a fate?”

“I tried to kill myself.” His eyes go wide.

“You... tried to kill yourself? Why would you do that?”

“Because I couldn't bear the life I had. Everyday was pain and anguish. Eventually despair took over me and I tried to kill myself.”

“Who did this to you? Gave you this... punishment?”

“I don't know who they were. I couldn't even see their face. Maybe a spirit, maybe a god, I have no idea.”

“That is... I have never seen anything like it.”

“I guess I will still surprise you some more if you stick around.” I smile.

“I do not doubt it. You have already surprised me a great deal.” Have I?

“Please don't tell anyone about it. I don't know how they would react to it.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.” Another secret in his hands. “Do we have more time to appreciate this beauty?” I move my hands towards the memory. He chuckles.

“Not much longer, but we should have some more time.” I smile brightly and he chuckles. I bet he thinks me a kid in awe but what can I say? That is exactly how I feel. I love this place!

“Awesome!” I walk towards the waterfall, looking everywhere. So much beauty in everything. Amazing.

He follows me, always keeping a few steps back, while I inspect everything, in awe of everything. I can't wait to see more of it. I hope he will show me more of it. I hope I can help him bring this to life once again.

We stay there for some more minutes and then he tells me it is time to wake up. And that is what I do. Just like the Inquisitor was kicked out of her really nice dream with him. I feel extremely relaxed, though. This was definitely the best dream I have had in like... ever! I am just... incredibly happy. Awwwwww... this is just too good! I sigh. Well... time to get ready for another day. Got to go meet Mother Giselle.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace goes through combat and meets Mother Giselle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> So many views and kudos <3 Thank you all!

I leave my tent so happy I'm humming whatever song comes to my mind. The scouts look at me with a funny face but I ignore them. I make my way out and go through my morning routine; then I get back to my tent and pack everything. The clothes have thankfully dried so they go into the bag. There’s some leftovers from dinner so I get some and sit by the fire to eat while waiting for the others.

“Someone had a nice night.” Varric says with a sly smile. “Nice dreams?”

“You have  **no** idea! Amazing dream!” And I'm pretty sure I have such a ridiculous smile on my face. He laughs.

“Well, whatever it is I hope you have more of those often. You look great.”

“Thank you, Varric! I feel great!”

“Did Chuckles have anything to do with it?” He smirks.

“You know what? I'll let you wonder that one!”

“Hey, not fair! But if I had to guess I'm pretty sure he did.”

“Not saying anything.” I smile at him and then recline back on my arms, looking at the sky. Amazing dream indeed.

After we all pack we make our way down towards the little village where Mother Giselle is supposed to be helping with refugees; The Crossroads. If this was anything like the game we should come across rebels fighting on our way there. And turns out we didn't have to wait long to find out. People were indeed fighting everywhere. I wonder how people can just think that it’s a good idea to pick fights with others when the world is already a mess. Stupid people.

Cassandra and Solas try to get some sense in their thick heads but it is in vain. They simply attack us back. I summon my Barrier and stay back as usual by reflex. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of killing people, but I just can't let them get away with harming us. So I just focus on that: we must survive, we must get through;  **they** chose to attack us. And I cast the Fire Pillar on a couple of archers that were shooting us and I duck back behind the large stone. I have gotten myself in some fights in school. I never let people get the best of me, or make fun of me. If they tried anything that I didn't like I didn't hesitate to react with violence if I had to. And I've kicked many people. I'm fragile, but I am not afraid of defending myself. The difference here is that I had to go beyond simply hitting them. Could I handle killing someone?

After a couple of seconds I emerge on the other side of the rock and check for possible targets. One of the archers were down, I don't know if it was me who killed them and at that moment I honestly don't care. I see Cassandra going towards the one that was alive and a rogue with daggers going behind her. Not far away was a mage being attacked by Solas and Varric. I decide to attack the rogue and then I summon the Pillar on him. I can see his panic when his armor catches fire and it makes me feel... weird. I want him gone so he won't harm anyone, but I don't want to see him in pain either. I don't know him. I don't know if he deserves to go out that way. I see an arrow go straight through his chest and he falls dead. Not a second later Cassandra cuts off the head of the archer. So much blood. So much death. I feel really uneasy. I have never seen dead people before. I feel the anxiety building. I know I will panic. I try to breathe slowly, I try to take deep breaths, but all I smell is blood. I hate the smell of blood. I'm starting to hyperventilate. I'm going to faint soon. Shit.

Everything is going dark when a hand on my arm grounds me to reality. My eyes focus ahead and I see Varric.

“Easy, Crystal.” I can't read his expression, I'm panicking. “Breathe.”

“Blood...” I manage to get the words out. “Too much blood. The smell of blood is too strong.” He searches something in his jacket and hands out to me. “Here. Smell this.”

I take it from him and it looks like some sort of dried herb. I hope it’s not drugs. I sniff and it seems to be mint or something similar. I take a deep breath. It eases my mind. At least the blood is not so strong through the herbs. I start calming down.

“Good. That's it. Take slow and deep breaths.”

“Thank you, Varric.” I smile weakly. He nods with a smile.

“First time you see dead people?” He asks with a warm smile. I nod. “Yeah, I know how it is. I bet you don't want to hear this, but it gets easier.”

“Oh I don't know, Varric. Demons are easier because they don't bleed. I'm not sure I can get used to the smell of blood. In times like this I hate having sharper senses.”

“A person can get used to many things, Crystal. You'll be fine.” He looks to the side and then nods. I look to see what it is and I notice the bodies were moved. I see Solas far away with the bodies and Cassandra is somewhat closer. “I'll go check them for any useful stuff. You go ahead with the Seeker.”

I nod and make my way around the pools of blood on the ground; hand on my nose, breathing through the herbs. I avoid looking at the bodies.

 

We walk around five minutes among destroyed houses and other small buildings before I hear footsteps. I look behind to see Varric and Solas coming closer and I tell Cassandra. We slow down so they can catch up. It doesn't take us long to get to a less affected area and I finally see some scouts of the Inquisition and some other soldiers I don't recognize the clothes. Solas offers to check on the injured and we three go check on the Mother.

And god, she is as tiresome as her game counterpart, if not worse. Wait, I think she is worse. Yeah, definitely worse. This version doesn't have a word count limited by budget and programming. The woman wouldn't stop talking! I was about to tell her to shut up and get on with it when Cassandra intervened and spoke for me, asking her what exactly was the reason to have summoned the Herald in person. Then she goes about how I should be the one to approach the clerics in Val Royeaux on their meeting so that I could show people that we are united to help and not to cause more harm. Of course she says that with a lot more words and I swear she is trying to bore me to death with Maker sermons. We make our way from there and I am exhausted just from hearing the damn woman. Varric seems to notice it.

“Not a Chantry person, I take it?”

“Not... even... slightly.” If I were a cartoon I would have smoke coming out of my head.

“She told us she is not Andrastian.” Cassandra adds.

“And I'm pretty sure Mother Giselle was just a prologue of what I can expect from the other Mothers in Val Royeaux.” I sigh and run my hands through my hair, tucking the strands behind my ears then. “This will be hard.”

“You'll do fine.” Varric says.

“You have too much faith in me, Varric.” I laugh.

“You are the Herald of Andraste, of course I have faith in you!” I can see he is teasing me. I shake my head and we laugh. I can see Cassandra with a shy smile after a while.

We make our way towards the center of the wrecked village and I see a merchant. I decide to check on those supplies I have to get for Adan.

“Hey, Varric. Can I ask you a favor?” He raises an eyebrow. “It requires one of your abilities.” Now he raises both.

“You are not planning on stealing anything, are you? The Seeker wouldn't approve of it.”

“No, not stealing! I need your bartering skills. There are some stuff Adan needs.”

“Oh. Sure thing Crystal.” I hand him the list. “I'll see what I can do.”

He makes his way towards the merchant and I wait with Cassandra.

“Say, Herald. You told me you are not Andrastian, but, do you believe in the Maker?”

“I believe in a higher power, Cassandra. I don't know if it is the Maker, but something created us and everything around us. Life is too complex and full of wonders so I can only expect its creator is something or someone even more unimaginable.”

“I see.” She stays quiet a few seconds then continue. “When you were possessed by that demon you lost yourself to despair. Do you really not have hope for the future?” She looks so conflicted, almost pained.

“That was something more about my past than my expectations for the future. I don't know how well I can do what must be done, but I'll do my best to make this world better, Cassandra.” Even if you wouldn't agree with my vision of better. She smiles. “My life before was... empty, Cassandra. Now I have a clear vision of what I must live for.”

“I hope we can make your life better, Herald. Even if only a little. We already ask a lot of you. It is only fair to make it easier for you somehow.”

“Thank you, Cassandra.” I smile. “Things are already better. And I appreciate your words.”

She smiles and we wait some more minutes before Varric comes back with a smirk. I assume he was successful.

“Got some good news. That merchant only had a few of the ingredients in the list, but he will send note to one of his partners so they can trade with us in Haven. He also said he can get us what he has as soon as the roads are safe for travel once again. Since that is also part of the reason we are here, I think you can count yourself lucky.”

“That is indeed great news, Varric!” I smile, thinking about getting the stuff I need from Adan sooner than I expected.

“There is one problem, though.”

“Oh... what is it?”

“Some of the ingredients are too rare and he doesn't believe even his partner will have them available.”

“Damn.” I sigh. “Oh well... at least we got part of it. I wonder where we can get those rare ones, though.”

“Once the roads are cleared we can send news to other towns so they can trade with Haven.” Cassandra adds. “That should give us access to what you need.”

“That is true.” I say with a tilt of my head. I sigh. “Well, let's find Solas so we can get on with it.”

“I think we can let him help the injured some more.” Cassandra says and I don't understand. “Let us talk to that Corporal that was organizing the militia first. We do not need Solas for it and we can have a better picture of the situation before we set off.”

“Oh, right. Sorry, I had forgotten about him. My memory fails me sometimes. Let's go.”

We make our way to the man and get our information. There are plenty of rifts around making it impossible for the soldiers and scouts to help clear the area. He marks on my map the overall area where they could be found and I remember then that I have been neglecting my task of marking resources on said map. Shit. We also get from him the location of Dennet, from who we are supposed to get horses for the Inquisition, if the man is still alive.

“Now we can go get Solas.” Cassandra says.

We go towards the healers' ward and we find him healing a child. I smile at the scene. He has such a great heart. He is so misunderstood. He has done awful things, sure, but he is an awesome person. Cassandra goes to him and tells him that we have already gotten all the information we needed and that we are about to set off. He finishes healing the child and then we leave.

In one of the wrecked buildings from the destroyed part of the village we find one of the rifts. We fight the demons and I close it, feeling the recoil just as much as ever. We continue on the way to the area where we would find another one, but we find some bandits preying on a few refugees before we get there. Despicable, really. I become so infuriated at the sight that I can feel my chest burn. We approach carefully so they wouldn't hurt the people and after they are cleared we attack. I'm so mad that I don't even think twice. I burn three with the Pillar and they panic. Varric hits one through the throat, Solas hits other three with Chain Lightning and Cassandra runs towards two that are looking around trying to find the source of the attacks.

Two of those hit by lightning survive but are too numb to react. Before they can do anything Varric pierces one of them in the chest and Solas freezes the other to death. I don't want to risk burning Cassandra so I don't do anything to the other two. Nobody needs to actually do anything, though; she gets rid of them easily.

After the bandits are dealt with, Cassandra approaches the scared refugees that are trying to hide. She identify ourselves as members of the Inquisition and tells them that they should head to the Crossroads through the way we came. They thank us profusely and get on their way with their cart. I look at them with pride at ourselves for saving them. Then I remember the dead people on the ground. It's like having my stomach grow cold when I'm falling. Dead people. People I helped killing. But then I remember they were bad people. People that would not have hesitated to kill those refugees if they decided not to give them what they wanted. People that probably have already killed more innocent people. And I become mad at them again. I can't bring myself to feel the loss of their lives. The world is better without them. Those bandits won't hurt anyone else.

I walk past the bodies and wait a few meters away where the air is clean enough to breathe. I can see the others looking at me with weird expressions. They probably are wondering at my own expression. I can feel my face twisted in disgust and anger.

I hear them moving the bodies and after some minutes I hear the sound of fire. I assume it’s Solas burning the bodies. They join me afterwards and Varric asks if I'm ok. I nod and we continue our way. It doesn't take long for us to see the green glow and soon we have another rift closed.

We close three more rifts before we come across another group of rebels. This time they are templars and Cassandra manages to talk some sense into them. They surrender and tell us they would like to join the Inquisition. Cassandra goes through it with them and we continue on our way. The second group were bloodthirsty madmen, though; at the moment they realized Solas was a mage they went nuts and attacked us. Another group of dead people. How many dead people have I seen today? How many have I killed myself? How much pain have I caused? I never liked to inflict pain. I understand punishment. I could hurt someone to punish them. It doesn't mean I ever  _ liked _ doing it. And fire is something so cruel. It hurts too much. I would need to find another way to fight, something that wouldn't hurt so much. Even if I had to kill people, I would do so in a way that they suffered less. Unless they deserved to suffer. Yes, unless that.

 

We make our way to a lake safe enough and Cassandra takes the chance to wash away the blood from her armor. Varric sets off to hunt us lunch and I sit close to Solas.

“Hey, Solas.”

“Grace.” He says without taking his eyes from the trees ahead.

“Remember I told you I had to mark resources on the map?”

“I remember that, yes.”

“I realized earlier that I had completely forgotten about it. And considering I have no idea what is written in that book, I was wondering if you could help me with it.”

“We did not have a chance to work on your reading, that is true.”

“I know how these past days were messy. I'm not complaining or anything. I just wanted to ask you if you saw any of those while we were travelling, and if you could point to me where it was that you saw them. That is, before I can do them myself. If I'm not asking you too much, that is. I don't want to ask too much of you. I know I already take too much of your time with all the things I asked you to teach me. I don't want to become even more of a nuisance.”

“Grace.” I realize then that I was looking at the ground and I look at him to see that he was looking at me. “Calm down. You are no nuisance. I can do this much. Give me the book, the map and the marker.”

“I... of course. Thank you, Solas. I... talk too much sometimes. I'll get you those things.” I get up then and go towards my pack, getting him the stuff needed to mark the resources. He goes through the book and marks down a few of them on the map. “Thank you very much.”

“You are welcome.” He gives them back to me and I put them in the bag. He looks at the trees once again.

“Only one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“Can the next spell you teach me be a painless attack?” He looks at me then.

“Painless?”

“Yes. I don't want to inflict that amount of pain on everybody we fight. You know, fire is very painful.”

“I see. I will think of something.”

“Thank you.” He looks back at the trees then. I don't know what to do with myself, so I drink some water and wait for the others to come back. We stay in silence and I take the chance to enjoy the peace of the woods. The birds seem happy enough wherever they are, as if they have no idea of the state of the world. Such innocent creatures.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Learning to use the staff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)

“You cast quite easily without the staff,” Solas breaks the silence after a while, “but I believe it is time for you to become used to it.”

“What are the advantages of using it? I mean, I've been carrying this thing around and it is quite heavy. It better make my life easier after I start using it.”

“A staff works as a conduit while also empowering spells if the conduit is of decent quality. It allows one to connect easier to the Fade and channel its energy more effortlessly, thus making the casting of spells less taxing on the body.”

“But I don't feel tired when I cast spells.”

“Your connection to the Fade is stronger, which makes it easier for you, however, the more powerful spells would still require a lot of effort from you. The sooner you become used to wielding a staff the better.”

“I see. It is a foc..focus tool.” Guess if I say foci he will think I know something about his orb. I look at the woods, Varric is coming back with a fennec. I hope we don't cause a hit on the fennec population by the time we get out of this place. I look back to Solas. “So, what do I have to do to use that thing?”

“Pick it up and come with me.” He stands up and I follow, picking up the staff that was under one of the trees with my bag. We go a few meters away from camp to an area with more space. “You know your own energy, do you not?” I nod. “Close your eyes and feel the energy of the conduit in the staff.”

I close my eyes and try to focus past my hand. I feel a humming in the staff but the energy itself seems to be quite faint. I wonder if more powerful staves would have a more powerful energy. If that Foci of his does a similar job, even if it is on a whole different level, it must have an incredible energy in it. And if he was able to use it before, this man in front of me truly would be considered a god because of his immeasurable power. To think that it would break. What a waste.

I try to focus on that faint energy and it seems to want to connect to my own, I allow it and I almost feel it like a handshake. It is a curious feeling. I open my eyes and Solas nods. I wonder how he can feel whenever I manage to use my energy to do things. I mean, I can feel energy but not to that level. Well, I guess it comes with being a thousands-of-years-old god.

“Well done. Now try to cast a Barrier channeling through the staff. You are already connected to it. When you tap into the Fade, redirect its energy so it flows through the staff instead of your body.”

I'm not sure I understand what he is talking about but I try it. I tap into the Fade and the energy immediately tries to come through me, I have to focus pretty hard to think of the energy of the staff linked in my hand. It doesn't work the first few tries, I have to say. Honestly I would be surprised if it did. I wonder if the power of the staff was stronger if it would be easier to focus through it. Although I suppose I would have to be stronger too in order to wield it or it might get out of control. How does one become stronger? It's not like I had levels here. This isn't a game... Practice maybe?

When it does work I feel the energy of the Fade slip past through me and feed the staff, which increases its own energy. It is a curious feeling. The humming that comes from it also increases in intensity and it is as if it comes to life. I use that energy in the staff, then, to cast the Barrier on myself and I can feel it warming my skin. I open my eyes to see Solas smiling proud. Uuuhh I want to kiss him!

“Well done. Do it again three more times.” I comply. The first try wasn't as easy but I still managed it. The two next were quite easy. “Very good. The next part will be so you can use the energy of the staff to attack without spells. It is a weak attack but it is still useful, especially when you are tired. But you should eat first.”

I nod and we go back to the fire. Cassandra already came back at some point and was taking care of her blade while Varric roasted the meat.

“You'll be a full-fledged mage soon, Crystal. Keep it up!” Varric says with a smile. I smile back, setting the staff on the grass by the bag.

“I still have a long way to go, but I thank you, Varric.”

“Don't think so little of yourself.” Cassandra adds, without stopping what she is doing. “You learn quickly, it is impressive.”

“I have a great teacher, Cassandra.” I say without looking at Solas.

“Cassandra is right, you do learn quickly. If only your focus was better.” Solas says and it makes me think that I might never hear that ‘indomitable focus’ line.

“I'm working on it.” I chuckle.

We eat and move on. According to Cassandra we could still hit one more rift before going back to the scout's camp to report our actions of the day. I feel exhausted and the only thing I want is to lay down, but I push myself. I take the chance of that rift to use the staff as a focus and I don't really feel any difference between letting the energy of the Fade channel through me and through the staff. If anything it makes me have to think one step further when casting and I think it’s counterproductive. But if Solas says it will be better on the long run, then I'll do this.

We have to stop one more time for me to rest before we can get to the scout's camp. I really wish I had someone to give me a massage. Everything hurts. I think that even if I stopped one whole week to rest I would still be in pain. We make our way back to camp and I lay down on the grass, not caring about anything. It is still daylight and I could ask Solas to teach me something but I'm completely exhausted. If I wasn't dirty I would go to the tent earlier but I want to bathe first. I just don't have the strength to go there yet.

I see after a while that Varric is giving some package to one of the scouts. I wonder what it is, but I don't say anything. Not my business. Cassandra comes up to me and sits down.

“How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted. Everything hurts.”

“If only the potions could help you.”

“Heh, yeah. If only.”

“What about fighting people? I noticed your reaction change constantly. I know you are not used to combat.”

“I'm not.” I look at her and she seems worried. I wonder about what. “I never thought I would actually kill someone. You see, I can hate someone and wish them dead just as anyone else. But to actually do it... that is completely different. But then... those people that were attacking those refugees, they really pissed me off. Cowards. Urgh. Despicable, really. People are already losing too much and scoundrels like those people come and want to make their lives even worse. I don't regret killing them. The world is better without them. On the other hand, when we fight those rebels and I think that they could just be misguided people, that they could change if given the chance, I feel bad for them. I know I don't have a choice if they choose to attack us. It's either them or us and I don't even have to think on it. But it's hard to see lives lost. At a second they are going about their business and a moment later they are just a dead body. It is weird to be a part of it.”

“I understand how you feel. It is not easy to be the ones doing what must be done.” I sigh.

“How did you become the Right Hand, Cassandra?”

“It.. is a long story.”

“I like long stories, if you don't mind telling me.”

“I.. alright.” She relaxes beside me and then goes about telling me about the dragons that attacked the Divine and all that. But as expected, she doesn't tell me much about her brother.

“It’s alright. I understand a hard past. But if you ever want to talk about it, you know where to find me.” I smile.

“Of course, Herald. Thank you.” She smiles too. Cute.

“I think you can call me Grace, Cassandra. We are hardly strangers after everything we've been through.”

“I.. alright. Grace.”

“Good!” I take a deep breath and sit up. My hips make a clack sound. “I think I'll go take my bath now, if I can call bathing in the river a bath... well... I'll take what I got. Be back soon, Cassandra.”

“Be careful.” I nod and get my stuff in the tent and make my way to the river.

 

The day is almost over when I make my way back. I sit by the fire to dry my hair and listen to people talking. I was never used to being around people, they make me uneasy, but these people don't make me feel anxious. I wonder if it’s because we are all working towards the same goal. And they aren't noisy, which is awesome. I hate noisy people. I'm going to have some trouble dealing with Sera if I decide to recruit her. They seem to be roasting a ram and I get some.

“So... what are the plans for tomorrow?” I ask Cassandra, eating beside me.

“I already debriefed the scouts and they will set up another camp down by the area we cleared today. We should move along with them and continue past it towards Master Dennet's so we can see what will be needed to get the horses.”

“You should know, I never rode a horse in my life.” She stares at me with wide eyes. “Yeah, never.”

“It is not that hard, but you might need time to get used to it. It can be... uncomfortable.”

“Their size also intimidates me, to be honest.” And there she is with wide eyes again.

“Trained horses are docile creatures. You do not need to worry.”

“We'll see.”

“Crystal, I was thinking about something you said.” Varric says from the other side of the fire.

“Hm? What is it, Varric?”

“The Seeker said the other day that you never left your house, but I remember you telling me that your accent was different because you met a lot of people.”

“That's right.”

“How did you meet so many different people if you never left your house?” How do I explain this? Well, I guess there is no other way to put it...

“They came to my house.”

“Oh. Your family must have been well known.”

“It doesn't matter, really. They are gone.”

“Right. I'm sorry about that.”

“It's fine. Really. I don't even think about them anymore. I'm better off without them.”

“That is... harsh.” Cassandra says.

“It's the truth.”

They go quiet, I assume they don't really know what to say after that. At this point I wonder why they keep bringing it up. Do they not believe me? Do they fish for information expecting me to contradict myself? I wonder if they will ever let it go.

“Do you not miss anything in your past?” Solas says from beside Varric. I look at him but I can't keep my eyes on him. I know I will gawk if I do.

“I miss... some luxuries that I took for granted. I miss... my bed.” I look at the fire. “I miss... my cats. I miss...” my games, but I can't tell them that, there is no way I can explain it, “eating fish, and shrimps.”

“What about the people? There is no one you miss?”

“Hmm. Honestly, Solas? I... Right at this moment? I don't. I might in the future, when the bad things aren't so close to memory. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.”

“Hey Crystal, what about that man you told me about. Don't you miss him?”

“Man?”

“The man from before you coming to the Conclave. Who already had your attention.”

“Oh, him.” I fix my hair behind my ears. How can I miss someone that is here? “I...” He raises his eyebrows at my hesitation.

“Was that man a lie, Crystal?” He smirks.

“Not a lie, no, but... I don't know how to answer you.”

“What do you mean? You either miss him or you don't.” He laughs.

“Then I guess... I... don't?” This version of him is much better... he is  **real** ... he is here...

“Does it mean that you might have a place for someone in your heart then?” There is his sly smile again.

“Urgh, Varric.” Cassandra says.

“I have to agree with Cassandra. Seriously, Varric? I think we already went through this.”

“Well, last time we did you told me you had someone from your past that had your attention. Since you don't miss him anymore then I think the situation has changed.”

“I'm not becoming your experiment just so you can write a novel, Varric. I told you, you will have to take your story from imagination if you want to base it on me.”

“But Crystal, you have to agree they are great men!” That makes me blush and he laughs. “See! You can't deny it!”

“I... I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm... I'm going to my tent. Good night!” I stand up too quickly and my knee makes a clack noise and it hurts. “Ah! Shit.” I massage it.

“Are you alright?” Cassandra asks me with wide eyes.

“I'm fine... it's just... sometimes things try to get out of their place. I'm just too... flexible.” I move my knee and it relaxes a bit, the pain fades a little. “I'm going to sleep.”

“Good night, Hera- Grace.”

I get in the tent and lay down on my bedroll. One night without cleaning my teeth won't be a grave thing... I'll clean them in the morning. What is Varric thinking? Seriously? If he plain out said to Solas what I think about him I don't know what I would have done. I sigh. I know he will never want me, there is no need to make me go through that kind of scene. I hear them talking outside.

“Varric, what was that about? Was it really necessary to make her embarrassed like that?” Cassandra asks.

“Oh Seeker. I'm just trying to help her. I know she would thank me if it worked out.”

“Whatever it is you're planning, I do not think she approves of it if her reaction is anything to go by.”

“I agree with the Seeker. If she wanted the kind of help you want to give her she would not have left like that.”

“Oh Chuckles, are you implying you wanted her to stay longer?” I can almost see his sly smile. I'm going to kill that dwarf.

“I am only saying you should respect the wishes of other people, Master Tethras.”

“If only you knew, Chuckles. If only you knew.”

“I am going to the river.” Cassandra says and a while after I hear her picking up some stuff in her pack and going out again.

“So, Chuckles. Do  **you** have someone?”

“I believe you already pushed this topic farther than you should have, Master Tethras.”

“Oh, come on! You can't leave me hanging like that.”

“Just did. Have a good night.”

“Oh,  **really** ?... Good night, Chuckles.”

I fall asleep before Cassandra is back.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace meets a spirit and is shot by an arrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 09.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Each kudos makes me so happy <3 Thank you everyone! I'm really happy to see that you enjoy this story!

I open my eyes to the fade and protect my beach. I notice the wisps are closer to me, and I am hit by a feeling... thankfulness? I wonder if they are thanking me for a safe place to be in. I appreciate their presence. They are silent and provide me comfort. I don't feel alone. I sit down and look at the waves. I think my vision is clearer than before. Was Solas right? Was it just a matter of training? Does it mean I am stronger now? Did I go up a level? Heh.

I feel a presence enter my barrier. It is... warm. I know it isn't Solas because I can't feel him whenever he shows himself here. I wonder if he had watched me and not shown himself too. That thought makes me a little uneasy. But there is nothing I can do about it. I can only hope that he wouldn't treat me bad for whatever he finds about me. I look back to see who is the one that joined me and I am surprised to see a spirit. It shows itself to me as a young elven woman, shorter than me. I like her dress. So loose and full of decorated laces on the sleeves. It dances in the wind with her long blonde hair. She smiles and comes up to me.

“Hello.” She says. Her voice is soft as a lullaby.

“Hi...” I’m not really sure what else to say. Social skills are terrible.

“I'm Kindness.” She smiles. “I like what you have here.” She looks around. “And they like it too.”

“Thanks. I'm Grace.” I look at the many wisps moving about. “Yea, they seem to enjoy it a lot.”

“Specially since you made this a safe haven.” I look at her. She emanates such a warm and comfortable energy, it is really nice. She smiles. “I have been hearing things about you and this place.”

“Hearing things?” I frown and tilt my head. “What things? From whom?” Do they gossip around here? Fade gossip... hmm.

“You are different. Your energy is different.” She comes by and sits beside me, looking at the waves. “It has been a long time since someone like you came here.”

“You know what I am?”

“I don't know. I know of someone who might know. But I've been having trouble finding her lately.” She sighs. “There is too much disturbance in the Fade.”

“Because of the Breach?” She nods.

“Many of my friends went away because of it. Afraid that it could affect them.”

“Aren't you afraid of it affecting you?”

“I am, and I'm not. There are still many people here wishing to do good, and I want to help them. So I stayed. It was then that I felt you.”

“Felt... me?”

“Your energy is strong. And you have a good energy. You are good. Many feel it and talk about it.”

“Heh... People tell me that but I don't know what it is that they see in me.” She tilts her head.

“You really don't believe you are good.” She frowns. “Why? Can't you feel it in yourself?”

“I...” I take a moment to think, to ‘look’ inside me. “I know I'm not evil. I wish for good and I try to do good things. I don't like harming others. But sometimes... there are just some things that get under my skin and I feel... enraged... it makes me wish for bad things to happen to them. I can't be good if I think those things.”

“But you feel those things because you see the unfairness of the situation. You see the wrong and you wish it wasn't there. That doesn't mean you are bad. I wouldn't be here if you were.”

“I... guess you're right. Can't argue with that.”

“You want to help others, so I want to help you.” She puts a hand over mine. It feels... nice. “I will try to find others to help you in your mission.”

“I... I appreciate it.”

“I will go now. Bye.” She smiles and after I give her a goodbye she just disappears.

I look back to the waves and take a deep breath. So I'm good, huh? Like... for real? Heh... I guess if a truly benevolent spirit can be near me and say that I am good I should really start believing it... I stay there, looking at the waves for some more minutes and then I hear Cassandra waking me up. I go prepare for the travel and we leave along with a few of the scouts.

After I have to take a moment to rest once, we make it to the last place we've been to. It seems that I have been feeling weak since yesterday. I guess eating meat and fruits aren't doing much for my health. They set up camp close to a stream and we continue forward. Without having to fight our way through the place we move much faster. Thankfully we don't come across any rebels or bandits but it isn't long until we find a rift. This one was a bit harder than the ones yesterday, though. Cassandra got injured but Solas managed to heal her. My Barrier went completely down once but I could build it up again before I was hit once more. I decided it was best to attack from cover since thankfully those hills had large rocks. The staff still feels more like a hindrance than a benefit.

While Solas is checking up Cassandra's injuries I walk towards a bush that catches my attention. I pull the book from my bag and flip some pages. Nice, it is it! I managed to recognize the elfroot. I mark the area where we are in the map as a good place for picking it up since I can see many other bushes around. I feel better after being able to do at least this one by myself.

We continue down the hills towards a farm. Cassandra says that the big house should be the one where Master Dennet lives. As we get closer I can smell horses' poop. Quite intense I must say. I guess they haven't been cleaning the place much with all that have been going on. I knock on the door and I'm met by an old woman. She is the Master's wife and asks us to wait inside. I take the chance to rest my legs and shoulders. Carrying that bag seems to only get harder with each passing day. And my legs burn. I can't even describe the pain that goes through my feet. The others look at me worried and I can only imagine what might go through their minds as they see me in pain and there is nothing they can do about it.

The old man, really old, comes through a door and greets us. He offers us tea and I accept. I love tea and I was damn curious to try a tea from Thedas. This one was quite refreshing, I like it a lot. He tells us that he had received a message about us needing horses but that he didn't even have the chance to reply because of everything that have been going on. He tells us of all the problems that were hindering his work and that he had no way of supplying us with horses in those conditions. I expected as much, though. We get directions for the nearby rifts and a cave where the bandits that have been attacking people around possibly are coming from.

After we leave we go straight to the nearest rift. It is not a hard one so we clear it quickly. The recoil from the sealing pushes me back further, though. I think I am indeed weaker than I thought. Maybe the recovery I had while I spent those two days in Haven was completely lost after these days of travelling. We walk some more in the direction of the cave and stop for lunch. I lay on the grass, not caring about anything but to rest.

“Your strength seems to be waning.” Solas comes up to me and sits down beside me, keeping his distance and not looking straight to me.

“It is. I feel weaker by the day.” I sigh and close my eyes. “I need stronger food, probably.”

“This location does not provide many options, unfortunately.”

“I figured as much. I should be fine as long as I don't push myself too hard. Strenuous physical activities will probably make me faint.”

“I have never encountered someone so... fragile before.”

“Heh... you and everyone else I know.”

“May I know how long has it been since you received your... punishment?” I open my eyes and look at him. He is looking at me and Cassandra is far away. I don't think she can hear us. I sigh. Is it okay to tell him this? I take a deep breath, his gaze is quite intense. I got no idea what he might be thinking.

“Before I got the mark.” He tilts his head, expression unchanged, though.

“Before you came to the Conclave?” Should I be more specific? Would it be dangerous to let him know? I sigh. If only he wasn't such a dangerous person. But I don't think he is a threat to me, though. Is he?

“At the Conclave. Or could it be considered before? I'm not really sure. Things are a little blurry on that part. I don't even remember how I tried to kill myself. I remember the night I did it, then talking to this mysterious person, then waking up in that dungeon.”

“And you do not know this person?”

“No idea who that was. They seemed to know me, but didn't want to tell me who they were, or what they were.”

“That is curious. Do you feel well enough for some reading lessons?”

“I think so.” I sit up and get the magic book from my bag beside me and give it to him.

We sit there taking a look at the book while Cassandra keeps watch. I can remember some letters better but others still confuse me too much. I can study for about half an hour before Varric comes back with two nugs. We continue until it is time to eat.

After we are done eating we try to find the cave. It takes about an hour to find it and Varric goes ahead to scout. He comes back a while later reporting that the place has about ten bandits and a few traps around the entrance. Since I can't properly help them fight we would be in a disadvantage if we tried to attack. We decide to report to the scout's camp and get reinforcements.

We take a different route back in hope of clearing the other rift nearby and we encounter some rebel Templars fighting mages. The mages ask us for help and after we defeat the Templars they decide to join the Inquisition. They tag along with us to the scout's camp and help us with the rift on the way. We get two scouts to come with us and one of the newly added mages, who was a woman that said she wasn't tired enough and could help.

The scouts cause a distraction while Varric goes around disarming the traps. Solas and the mage attack some of the bandits that come out of the cave to cover our dwarf and after all the traps are done with Cassandra charges ahead and we fall into full combat. I manage to get a small group in flames and it is always awful to see them panic like that. I really need a new spell. Three of the bandits surrender when they see that they have no way of winning the encounter. Cassandra tells the scouts to take them back to camp after we finish looking at the place and hold them until they decide who is going to charge them for their crimes.

We go inside the cave to check what they had in there and find a lot of supplies that the refugees could use and some equipment that the scouts could use too. We take some for ourselves. I get a cloak with a hood and don't have to complain anymore that my ears feel cold; and it will also help control my hair. Cassandra gets a new pair of gloves, Varric gets more ammo and Solas doesn't seem to be interested in anything. I notice a glimmer on the back of the cave and when I approach it I see this cave was actually a mine at some point. I check the resource's book and the walls and realize it is an iron mine. Another marker in the map, yay! And recognized completely on my own! And I can even understand a few words!

Everything having been looked at, the scouts and the mage make their way back with the bound bandits and we wait until people from the Inquisition can come secure the place. I take the chance to rest and Varric comes by me and sits down.

“How are you feeling, Crystal? I noticed you seem a bit down.”

“Just tired, Varric.”

“These days have been hard on you, uh?”

“Heh, you have no idea.” That chair isn't even a little comfortable and I don't dare sitting on one of the bedrolls around. I don't know and don't even want to know where its previous owner has been or what they have done. I try to make myself more comfortable but the only thing I manage to do is get a clack sound from my hip. Nothing serious even though Varric got alarmed. “Don't worry... my bones like to do those noises. I should be glad I haven't sprained anything yet.”

“The refugees' condition will improve when the Inquisition gets these supplies delivered.” Solas says, coming up to us after burning the bodies outside.

“It will. I'm glad we managed to find something like this. And it pisses me off just to think the amount of people who suffered so these bandits could get their hands on this.” I say with a frown.

“It's fine now, though. They won't attack anyone again.” Varric says.

“I'll never understand how people can prey on others like this. How can they be so selfish?!”

“Some people are just like that.” Varric says with a sad face. I remember then that he has seen a lot of shit. I sigh.

“Why can't everyone be happy by making people happy? The world would be so much better.”

“I agree, Crystal.” He sighs. “We are doing our part, though. We are trying to fix this mess.”

“Yeah... we are. But something tells me it will take a long time.” I sigh.

“Aw don't be so pessimist.”

“Heh... Varric... this thing is... nevermind.” I shake my head. I wonder if there is anything I can do to change the stuff that will happen here. If everything happens like it does in the game, that is...

“We got a group of bandits incoming!” Cassandra says from the entrance and we all get ready for another round of combat.

This group is smaller, I assume they were out there preying on people. Despicable. They come separately, trying to see what they are in for. But as soon as they come in decent range Varric shoots one. It goes straight through his leg and he falls to the ground in pain. Solas finishes him off with ice. I use the Pillar on two soldiers behind a group of rocks and they run out in panic, only making the fire burn through their armor quicker. Stupids. I avert my gaze, though. I don't like to see them suffering even if I hate the life they chose for themselves. An archer I haven't seen before shoots me from behind a tree but the Barrier holds it before it can pierce my belly. I immediately run back further inside to replenish the Barrier but another arrow flies by me before I could have it completely up. It scratches my arm and shit, it hurts! I hope it isn't poisoned. I'm used to being scratched by cats and have plenty of scars to prove it, but this is completely different.

I see Cassandra bashing her shield against the archer and then thrusting her sword straight through his stomach. I bet that hurt more. God, this life is not what I asked for. I hear a shattering sound and see that the other archer just blew up in pieces. Solas had frozen him and Varric shattered him like an ice statue. Urgh.

After the battle is over, Solas comes up to me and checks my arm. The sleeve is completely drenched in blood. Healing magic doesn't work but he tries anyway. No success, obviously. He gets a bandage from his pack and after applying some poultice he wraps my arm. I wish I had vinegar here. I'm going to get some in Haven next time. It hurts as fuck but at least it heals quickly.

“Thank you, Solas.”

“I wish I could do more.”

“It's alright.” I look at him with a smile, even though I'm in pain. “It...” It means a lot that you care, is what I wish to say... but I can't say it... “It can't be helped.” I wonder if he really cares, though.

“I will see to the bodies.” I nod and he leaves along with Varric. I go back to the chair.

“We should get you a sturdier armor.” Cassandra says coming up to me. “Since you cannot be healed we cannot risk you being injured.”

“Cassandra, I wouldn't be able to walk in a sturdier armor. I can barely handle the weight of the staff and the bag.” I give her a teasing smile and she sighs.

“We need to be more careful.”

“It's fine Cassandra, nothing bad happened. This is just a scratch. It will just be another scar for my collection in a week or something.”

“Still, what if it was something more serious?” She is really alarmed now. “We cannot help you properly if you're seriously injured. There is too much at stake here.”

“I know. It’s my life.” Even though I can't die... I don't want to find out how much that immeasurable amount of pain is like. She looks at me with a pained expression and I can't do much but to smile and put my hand on her arm, which seems to shock her. “It's fine, Cassandra.” She sighs.

“This situation is too... unique, Grace. Not to be able to heal you properly, it scares me.” She says while sitting down on the chair beside me.

“It scares me too, Cassandra. If it makes you feel any better. We will be fine, don't worry.”

“Look at you being all positive!” Varric saying coming from the entrance. I chuckle.

“Sometimes I try.” I smirk.

“You should do it more often, you know, take some of that burden from my shoulders.” He smirks and I laugh.

“Is everything alright out there?” Cassandra asks.

“Yea, Chuckles is taking care of the bodies. I hope there is no more groups out there to come here, though.”

“I hope so, too.” I say looking at my dirty sleeve. Ruined shirt.

We stay there for some more time, maybe one hour more, until a group of scouts come by. We leave so we can go back to the second scout's camp for the night. When we get there it is already night and we eat. I have to walk quite a distance in order to get some privacy for my bath, but I do it. I am careful not to wet the bandages so the poultice can still maintain its effect and I wash my clothes. I leave it drying inside the tent when I come back and sit by the fire to wash my hair. It hits me then that I have been taking a lot of cold baths and haven't gotten sick. Even though they weren't very cold water, they were still colder than what I'm used to. I wonder if that is another thing the mark is doing for me.

I take the resources book and try to practice my reading for a while before going to sleep. I don't get any new visitors this night in the Fade and just do some doodles on the sand along with some wisps that seemed to enjoy watching me draw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and because I was asked this before, in case you are wondering, I decided to have the spirits take forms that they feel comfortable with, they still don't have genders, but they will refer to themselves in the gender they are showing themselves as. Kindness likes showing herself as a girl, so that's why her friends talk about her as a she, and the same will happen to the others. Yes, there are more coming, that shouldn't be surprising considering I tagged it ;)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace is knocked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 11.05.2018 - updated version.)

We start early this morning too, clearing the other rifts around the area. I have to stop to rest much more often, though. When it’s time to get lunch, Solas comes to me and offers to teach me to use the basic attack of the staff. He thinks that, considering my health, it would be better for me to use it instead of the Pillar, even if the staff is the one taking most of the strain from the channeling.

Turns out using it to attack is quite simple, and I wonder why he waited so long to teach me. The trick basically is to use the channeled energy as bullets and shoot through the staff. He seems surprised, though, that I did it quickly and I really can't understand how that was supposed to be hard. Finding the conduit inside the staff was much more troublesome. And hell, channelling through the staff still is counterproductive. He says he will teach me a Fade spell next, when I'm feeling better. He says it might be taxing on my body in its current condition, even with the help of the staff, but it will be a painless spell as I asked. I was always a quick learner, and for some reason learning spells is extremely easier for me if what the others say is any indication, but I wonder how hard it will be to learn this new spell.

We make our way to the last rift Master Dennet told us about and it definitely is not an easy one. When we come in sight of the rift we spot a Despair and a Terror demons along with some wraiths. Things go fine at first, until the Terror decides it is a good idea to teleport, or whatever it is that it does, right behind me. I can hold my Barrier, alright, but it throws me against a tree and everything goes black.

 

I wake up inside a cave. I can see Cassandra laying down beside me with some bandages wrapped  around her torso. Varric is sitting by the entrance looking outside. I can't feel Solas. What happened? How did we get here? The.. rift! Shit.. what happened?

“What happened?” I manage to speak, voice a bit rough. I try to sit up but my back hurts, my head feels like there is something hammering it and my wrist is burning. I barely can feel the cut in my arm the way everything else hurts much more. I give up sitting up.

Cassandra is sleeping and Varric is the one that answers me. He seems to have a weight lift off of him as he turns to look at me.

“Things went to shit after you got knocked out.”

“Where is Solas?”

“Chuckles is out there looking for herbs. Don't worry, he is fine.”

“What about the rift? The demons?”

“We killed what we could but they kept coming, we tried to wake you up but you wouldn't respond. We had to retreat. Some demons followed us but we managed to kill them and then we found this cave. I never thought a bear could be worse than a demon, though. The Seeker got hit pretty hard.”

“I'm sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“For... being weak.”

“Crystal, there is no need to apologize for it. And you have your strengths, if combat is not one of those we can still work on it. You're fine.”

“I have my strengths? Sorry, Varric. But I can't see any of them. When I look at me I only see flaws.”

“You have a good and strong heart, Crystal. That is more than most out there can say. And you learn quickly too. I'm sure there are more in you that you are not letting us see, though.”

“I... thank you, Varric.”

“Oh, there comes Chuckles.”

I can feel Solas before I can even hear him talking to Varric. I wonder why I feel so good near him. I know I love him, but still, should this happen?

“I am glad to see you are finally awake.” His awesome voice says from near me. It somewhat feels like a reenactment of my first day in Thedas; the way I’m in so much pain that I can’t even lift my head to look at him.

“This definitely should not become a habit, Solas.” I chuckle.

“What should not?”

“Me being unable to look at you because I am in too much pain to move.” Oh shit... I hope he doesn't understand this as flirting... crap crap crap... “This happened that day in the dungeons too.”

“Yes. I remember it. Indeed it would be good if it did not become a habit. How are you feeling?”

“Sore. Everything hurts. My head is pounding, my wrist burns, my back hurts. I don't know what doesn't hurt.” I sigh.

“I picked up some herbs, it should make you feel better.”

“You know potions don't really work.”

“It is not for a potion. It is for tea.”

“Oh. I like tea.” He chuckles.

“You might not like this one, however.”

“I can drink any tea, believe me.” I chuckle.

“We shall see.” And we fall into silence after that.

 

I start humming “Into the West” at some point and Varric doesn't hesitate asking me what song it is because he never heard it before. I lie and tell him it is a song one of the people who visited used to sing. Solas has his travels around the Fade, I have my visits to my house.

“It is a bit sad, but beautiful at the same time.” I tell him.

“What is it about?”

“Resting at the end of a journey, or dying; depending on the way you think about it.”

“Do you know the lyrics?”

“Yes. But I'm afraid I would wake up Cassandra if I was to sing it.” I chuckle. “I can't sing it if it isn't like... very aloud.”

“Oh you must sing it tomorrow then, it seems like that is another talent of yours. Singing.”

“Nah, I'm not that great. Low or very high notes are really hard for me. I have no training in it.”

“Well, the humming sounded good, though. I'll judge your singing tomorrow.”

“You won't let this pass, will you?”

“No, I won't!” He laughs.

I can smell the tea brewing and it is a curious smell. Pleasant, but completely different from any tea I have ever drank. And I've drunk a lot.

“You are not Andrastian, right?” Varric asks after a while.

“No, I'm not anything.”

“So you don't believe in the Maker?”

“I don't have a god, if that is what you're asking. I believe something incredibly powerful that is completely beyond any of our understanding is somewhere out there. Some high inteligence created everything we see and don't see. I don't need a name or a face, Varric, but I doubt the Maker the Chantry tries to force everyone to believe in and the creator of everything are the same. That higher inteligence wouldn't have a house in the Fade.” I chuckle.

“And where would he have his house?”

“First I don't call it a he or a she. It doesn't even matter to me. For all I believe in they might even be both or something else entirely.” I chuckle. “But where would it live? Varric, I think the whole universe is its house. I just wish I knew its purpose for creating life.”

“Those things are... too complex, Crystal.” He laughs. “I'll stick to the Chantry, thank you.”

“If it makes you happy, Varric, that is all that matters.” I chuckle. “I just wish the Chantry wasn't so... selfish. It could do much more good if it wasn't trying to control others instead of helping, you know?”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“The tea is ready, Grace.” Solas says, coming up to me. “Can you sit up?”

“I...” I try to move but I can't really use my arms to help me up and my back can't do it by itself, “can't. Sorry.”

“Do you mind if I help you up?” Oh my god... oh my god...

“Er, no, I don't.”

He kneels beside me and helps me sit up. My head still hurts as hell and I immediately move my good hand to it in reflex. The hammering is intense. My back didn't hurt so much when he supported my weight, so that is good. And oh he is so warm and nice to be close to. I wish I could hug him. At that second I think I didn't even feel so much pain.

He gives me the cup and it’s not so hot as it should be. I wonder if he used magic to cool it a little. He probably did.

I sip and hum while I try to place an opinion. It’s bitter and slightly refreshing. I take a quick look at Varric and I see he has that sly smile completely stuck on his face. I'm pretty sure I blush. I look inside the cup and try to focus on the tea. Solas is still supporting my back. And god, he smells  **so** good!

“I told you, the tea isn't bad.”

“That makes it easier for you, then. If it works, as I expect it should, you might be drinking it often in the future.” His voice so close to my ear is extremely distracting.

“I... wouldn't mind it then.” I hear Varric laughing. I don't dare take my eyes off of the cup.

I finish the tea and Solas takes the cup from me and helps me lie down again. I miss being in his arms, as of course I would.

“If this counts as medication you should know that it will take longer than normal to have any effect.” I say, looking at the ceiling of the cave, because I still can't move my head. “And  **if** it has any effect it will wear out faster too.”

“You're full of complications, huh Crystal?”

“Heh, you have no idea, Varric. You have  **no** idea.”

“Tell me if you notice any changes.” Solas says.

“Will do.”

“Well, Chuckles, now that you are here, take my place while I skin that bear, huh?”

“Of course, Master Tethras.”

Skin the bear... I guess that will take a while.

“We should have food for five days with this big guy here, Crystal. You don't need to worry about fennecs anymore!”

“I don't feel good about killing any creature, Varric, it's just that the fennecs are so cute, you know? Those big ears and fluffy tails and those big eyes and cute noses and small paws. Too cute.”

“Yeah I see you love them.” He laughs.

“And you've been killing a lot of them. I don't know how the population of fennecs are in this area, I don't want them to go extinct here, you know?”

“I'm pretty sure they won't go extinct just because of us, though.”

“How big is that bear, anyway? I couldn't even take a look at it.”

“Oh you know, adult bear. As big as they come. The leather is not perfect but it can still be used. And there is a lot of meat here. Seriously, five days, Crystal. Lunch and dinner.”

“Wow. Big bear indeed.”

Some long minutes pass and I feel the hammering in my head diminish, my wrist also doesn't seem to burn so much. It still feels pretty sore but the pain is better.

“Hey Solas, I think you are right. I feel a bit better. The pain is not so strong anymore.”

“You still feel pain?”

“Yeah, just not so strong.” He sighs.

“You should not feel pain at all.”

“Heh, guess that is another thing my body doesn't agree to. Well, I'll take it anyway. Less pain is still better than no improvement at all.”

“You are right. I will prepare more for you in the morning.”

“Thank you, Solas. I think I'm feeling drowsy, though.”

“You should rest.”

“I already slept a lot.”

“Being unconscious does not count as resting, Grace. Sleep.”

“Alright. I'll go have some fun in my beach.”

“Your beach?” Varric asks.

“It's the place I got for myself in the Fade.”

“You... got yourself a place... in... the Fade?”

“I did. It is quite pretty. I wish I could show you, Varric. But dwarves don't dream.”

“Yea... considering the amount of shit that lives in there I'm glad I don't.”

“There are many good things there too, Varric. If you want to hear about it I'll tell you sometime.”

“I'll think about it. For now I'll pass, though.”

“Suit yourself. Good night guys.”

“Good night, Crystal.”

“Dream well, Grace.”

It doesn't take me even a minute to open my eyes to my beach. I think I never fell asleep so fast. It is a warm and comfortable day. The wind feels awesome. I can see the gulls flying above me. The wisps fill the place and seem to cheer up when I create the barrier.

I sit down and look at the waves. I decide I should try doing something I never did before: creating a sand castle. The wisps seem to feel curious about what I am doing and they approach me. It is fun to do these things with them around. I think they enjoy it more when I do creative stuff too.

I spend what feels like hours in there, and I can barely make a tower look like a tower. I will definitely need a lot of training in this. I have made sculptures before, but with clay. This sand is not even a little easy to work with. Specially without tools. I wonder if I can summon tools next time. I wish I had thought about it before. Now I can feel that I don't have much more time here in the Fade tonight; and indeed it’s not much longer that I feel my consciousness drawing back and I wake up.

I hear Cassandra complaining that she should have been woken up earlier and Varric telling her that Solas said she needed to rest. She is stubborn so she insists. I open my eyes and try to look around. My head doesn't hurt anymore so I can turn it. I see the place is quite clean. Cleanish. As clean as a cave where a bear lived could be. I suppose they have been cleaning it while I was unconscious or sleeping. I see Solas sleeping some few meters away from me. He looks so peaceful. So... beautiful. Cassandra takes me out from my observations.

“Oh I'm so glad you are finally awake! I was so worried!”

“I'm fine, Cassandra. Thank you. I was worried to see you all wrapped up in bandages, though. What is this about you complaining that you wanted to be woken up earlier?”

“She insists she should have.” Varric says with a frown.

“I should have! We cannot stay in this place for long. There are things we must do!”

“Would you have left with me unconscious?”

“I... don't know. It would have depended on what Solas said.”

“He said you both should rest.” Varric says, and he sounds so pissed off. I wonder how long Cassandra had been nagging him before I finally awoke.

“So there you have your answer, Cassandra. Can we stop arguing? I don't want to wake him up.” I motion my hand to Solas.

“I... of course. I am sorry.” Cassandra says.

“Come eat a little, you two.”

It is a bit hard, but I manage to get up. I sit down by the fire and get some meat. I assume this is some part of the bear. And I'm not sure I want to know how they are going to carry around the meat. Salted? Dried and smoked? Magic? Better to not think about it.

I also eat some fruits that Varric managed to pick up and it makes me feel better. But it is temporary, though. Because Solas wakes up and when I look at his back I can feel the blood drain from my face.  _ That _ is a lot of blood on his clothes. What the fuck happened to him?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 11.05.2018 - updated version.)

“What... what happened to you, Solas?” My voice is completely shaken.

“Hm? What do you mean?” He looks at me as if there was nothing wrong. What the hell?

“Your back... that much blood... what happened?”

“Oh, that. It is nothing.”

I look to the others as if asking “Is he serious?!” They don't seem affected in the least, though.

“Chuckles got hit by a Terror demon while protecting you yesterday. But as I told you, he is fine. He already healed himself.”

“Damn, I'm so sorry!”

“It is fine.” He comes to the fire and gets some food. I can't take off the guilty expression from my face.

“That looks like it hurt.” I manage to say.

“Do not worry, it is already healed.”

I think that something like that wouldn't have happened if he was stronger. Could he have been killed if it was a stronger demon? ‘The first of my people do not die so easily’ I remember his words. But still... he is weakened.

“I...” I can feel tears pool in my eyes. “I'm so so sorry, Solas.”

“Crystal he is fine.” Varric's voice sounds... worried? I wonder how I look right now.

“This wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so weak. You and Cassandra got injured because of me. Because... I'm no good for this.” Cassandra puts a hand on my wrist.

“We are fine, you are not at fault here.” She says with a warm voice. I can feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. I sob. “Do not cry for this.”

I... couldn't live with myself if he died because of me... I wanted to say it, but I can't. My life would be an even worse hell, because I wouldn't be able to die. And I would be forced to live on with the guilt of causing him harm. Just thinking about it makes me break and I can't stop crying. I hide my face in my hands.

“What...” Cassandra says. “Grace, it is fine. We are all fine. Don't cry.”

I can't stop crying. The pain of the thought of losing him is too strong. And it adds to the pile of the pain of my uselessness. Then I feel a warm energy soothing me. It is... his?

“Grace,” his voice brings me from my suffering, but I can't take my face from my hands, I sob, but the tears aren't so strong anymore, “do not cry for this. We are all well and healed.”

“But...” my voice is weak, “what if it happens again and it won't be fine then?”

“There is no point in worrying about something that has not yet happened. And it will not happen.”

“Yeah, Crystal, it would be needed something much worse to take us down!”

I know there are plenty of worse things out there. But they are trying so hard to cheer me up. It would be disrespectful and inconsiderate to keep crying like this. I must be stronger. I take some deep breaths and try to calm down.

“I'm... sorry for breaking like this.” I manage to say, still hiding my face.

“Do not worry.” Cassandra says. “You feel things too deeply.” Am I that transparent? “We should be grateful that you worry so much about us. But we don't want to see you crying.”

“Yeah, Crystal. We want you smiling. Come on!”

“I... thank you, guys.”

 

It takes me some minutes to fully recover from my breakdown. Cassandra seems to be completely healed from the bear attack and she puts on her armor again. And she will need a new one. I wonder why Solas only carries one set of clothes with him, though. And he is always clean too. There must be a spell for cleaning. It hits me then: if he didn't clean his shirt, he was completely drained after healing himself and Cassandra. And considering Cassandra had bandages on her, he didn't have enough energy to heal her only with magic either. His wounds were definitely worse than everyone is letting on.

“Do you feel good enough to walk?” Cassandra asks me, pulling me from my thoughts.

“I'm... not sure. My whole body still hurts.”

“The tea will be ready soon, it should help relieve some of your pain. But if you do not feel well enough for travel, we should wait.”

“Chuckles is right, Cassandra. It’s only that one rift left anyway.” She sighs and I worry. What if I am knocked out again?

“I hope we can close it without issues this time... I...”

“We will, Grace.” Cassandra says. “Do not worry. We will.” I sigh.

After some minutes Solas gives me the cup with the tea. I drink it slowly and I think I feel the effects sooner this time. I wonder if this is the kind of thing that the more you drink the more potent it becomes, or if it’s just my body becoming more welcoming to it. Whatever it is, I can only be thankful for it. The pain fades some more and I can even breathe more easily. My wrist still is sore but it feels much better. I don't think I can walk all the way back to the rift and then towards the farm and then to the scout's camp, though.

“I... think I wouldn't be able to make it there today. The pain is better but...”

“It's alright.” Cassandra says, but I can feel in her voice that she expected something else from me. “We will move out tomorrow. You should rest and recover.” She stands up and moves to the entrance. “Varric, can you scout the area for threats?”

“Sure thing, Seeker. Be back soon.” He picks up Bianca and leaves. Cassandra takes his place at the entrance.

I go back to the bedroll and lay down, my body feeling like jelly. I'm pretty sure the anaemia is back. This journey will be hard. How can I save the world when I can barely stand? I fall asleep eventually, but I don't go to the Fade. I think I am too tired to go there. I wake up with a different kind of pain. Cramps. Shit. Nothing like having a period in this kind of situation. I wonder when it will show itself. Urgh. You know, ever since the first time I had my period I  _ never _ could get used to it. It's been over fifteen years and I'm still not used to that shit. I can't accept that I have to go through it every damn month. Not to mention some other stuff that makes me extremely uncomfortable. And because my body is broken of course the periods would be broken too. That shit is just  **so** wrong. Urgh. I curl on my side and breathe. It will stop eventually... just have to wait a few minutes...

“Are you alright?” Cassandra asks me after seeing me curling tighter apparently.

“Cramps. I'll be fine soon. I hope.”

“You do not have potions for it I assume.” she says.

“No... Adan didn't have supplies to make me some. I hate this shit.  **Deeply** .”

“You... hate it? I know the pain is a problem but... how can you hate it? Moonblood is a blessing of fertility.”

“Pff. A blessing I don't need. I'll be forever alone, Cassandra. Might as well don't be bothered with this shit every fucking month... or so.” Without my pills this shit will come whenever it likes and screw my body over... shit, shit, shit. “If I could I would rip it all out and be rid of it.”

“You do not want children?”

“I... don't know. I don't like noisy kids. If I ever have children I would be a grumpy mother. But I won't have children anyway...” The man I love would never love me.

“I think you would be a loving mother.” Varric says from the entrance. It then makes me realize we are not alone, me and Cassandra. Shit. “And Chuckles would be a great father too.”

“Solas?” Cassandra asks him. “What does he have to do with it?” He shrugs with a smirk.

“Nothing.” I say with a roll of my eyes. “He has  **nothing** to do with it. Varric is just being annoying.”

“Aw you wound me.”

“If only Varric... if only.” He laughs.

I notice Solas is quiet by the fire. I'm not sure I want to know what he might be thinking about all of this. I look outside and it is night already.

“How.. long have I slept?”

“Around five hours or so.” Cassandra answers.

“I assume we are safe here, then?”

“Yes.” Varric answers. “Chuckles set some wards just in case, but I didn't spot any threat around here. I found some fruits for you, though. Want them?”

“Oh I sure do!” I get up and everything spins and my visions blurs. “Woa! Shit.”

“Are you alright?” Cassandra immediately asks. “What's wrong?”

“Just... dizzy. I might have gotten up too fast.” I open my eyes and things are still not much better. Shit. I make my way towards Varric but he meets me by the fire. “Thank you, Varric.” I sit down and start eating the fruits.

“Are you sure you are alright, Crystal?”

“Yeah... it's just... there is so much fruits and meat can do for me, you know? I need stronger food. I'll be better once we return to Haven.”

“We should try to move out tomorrow at first light then. Your strength is waning too quickly.”

“I think it's the stress of the fights and the constant physical activities.” And it will only get worse... how the hell am I supposed to go through this?

“Are you still in pain?” Solas finally says something.

“It's... better, but yes.”

“I will prepare some more tea.” He stands up and goes towards his pack.

“I... thank you.”

We spend some minutes in silence then I say “I'm not sure I will be able to do this... with my health being the way it is...”

“We will find a way.” Cassandra says. “You're doing very well so far.”

“Pff... are you serious? I almost got you and Solas killed because I got knocked out, not to mention the amount of times we have to stop to rest because of me. Plus that time I fainted.” I sigh. “I'm... sorry... I know you mean well.”

“We  **will** find a way, Grace. Don't worry.” She says again and I take a deep breath and nod.

 

Solas gives me the tea when it is ready a few minutes later and I drink it slowly. I'm not in the mood to talk and I don't really pay attention to what they are saying. After I'm done drinking, I thank him again and go back to the bedroll. Even though I already slept a lot, I fall asleep quickly.

I open my eyes to my beach and prepare the barrier. The calm atmosphere soothes my heart and it makes me feel better. The wisps come greet me and I can't help laughing at the situation. I think they missed me. Well, I think I've missed them too. I decide to focus on getting some tools to work on that sand castle. And god, it’s hard. I thought I could just think about it and it would pop in front of me but... not really. I can't make any progress so I just decide to work on it with my hands again.

It’s not long before that familiar energy hits me: Kindness. I smile and look behind me. She is standing there, with a warm smile on her face. She comes up to me and sits down, looking at the sand castle.

“Hello.” She says, still looking at it.

“Hello. It's good to see you again.”

“I have been searching for friends to help you. It's not been easy but I think I found someone who can. It might take a while for her to get here, though.”

“As long as she is safe. I don't want to risk her.”

“She is experienced, do not worry.” She looks at me then. “I think I know someone that can help you with this castle you are building.

“Oh, really? That would be great.”

“I'll bring him to you next time you're here.” She smiles. “I think he isn't far.”

“I like meeting people who enjoy art.” I can't help feeling excited about it. Would it be a creativity spirit or something like that?

“You two will get along very well.” She gets quiet for a while then continues. “You were very worried about your friends today. Specially him.”

“Heh... you saw that?”

“I felt it. Your connection to the Fade is strong, and because I have already met you, I can feel you more clearly too.”

“I... care a lot about him.”

“You love him. You wish him happiness. More than you wish yourself.”

“Heh... yea... I guess.” It's embarassing to hear it.

“You shouldn't be embarassed by your feelings. They are what make you what you are. Because you feel so much you are able to see things other people cannot. You can forgive them.”

“I... guess so. But feeling too much hurts sometimes.”

“Because you focus on the negative part of the feelings. Focus only on the good one and you will only feel happy. I can help you with it.”

“I... would like that.” She smiles and I smile too. Her energy is so warm and soothing.

“Your friends care about you. You don't need to worry. You can count on them. I can feel them wishing you only good things.”

“I... that is good to know. More than you think. Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” She goes silent for a while then continues. “Think good things, remember that. I must go now.”

“Alright. Until next time.”

“Bye.” And she disappears.

I take a deep breath. “Think good things”. That is the same thing that person told me. Can I really do it? I sigh and try to focus on my castle.

 

Cassandra wakes me up. I look outside and it's not even day yet.

“Do you feel better? Can we move out today?”

“I... I'm still a bit sore, but I can walk, I guess.”

“Good. Do you want me to take you to the spring? It is a bit far.” Fresh water? Of course!

“Please do.” I take my stuff and follow her outside. She gives me privacy and I go about my business. When I'm done I find her waiting for me. I think she was worried I could faint or fall or something. Guess she does care about me after all.

We make our way back and everyone had already packed. My bedroll was packed too and all that was left was for me to put the hygiene kit in the bag. We eat some meat before we leave and by the time we are walking outside the sun already is showing itself. I can see clouds and I hope it doesn't rain. I like rain, but only when I don't have to walk under it. Walking under the rain means getting sick. And I already have too many problems.

When we come into sight distance of the rift I can see a lof of demons there. It seems that day was for nothing. Or even worse, it only served to get us injured. The Terror isn't there at least. I assume it was killed that day after hurting Solas. And just thinking about it makes my heart ache again.

We try to pull them to us instead of charging against them so we can hopefully kill them before they reach us. And it works well enough. Cassandra only had to intervene twice. I think there were about eight demons there. Many died by Solas' Chain Lightning. A few others died by my Pillar and Varric's arrows. I close the rift and am pushed back. The recoil was definitely stronger than the others. I don't fall because Varric manages to support me. And I thank him for it.

We make our way to Master Dennet's and inform him of the situation. We tell him that the scout's should have another camp set on the other side by the end of the day and get more soldiers to protect the area. He tells us, then, that he should be able to give us four a horse, but can only supply the Inquisition when he is sure the soldiers are able to secure the roads. Which should probably happen in a week or so. Which is fine, I guess.

We are taken to the horses and I don't know if I look at them in awe or in fear. Heh, they are beautiful creatures but they sure intimidate me. I look at the others and can't do anything other than tell them again:

“I got no idea how to ride... and I am terrified of trying.” They look at me with funny faces and Cassandra tells me I will ride with her until I can get used to the animals. Getting up on it was  _ not _ easy. Not  **at all** . Clumsy me, yes.

It isn't comfortable... but at least my legs aren't being used to walk around. And it’s a lot faster too. We get to the scout's camp and Cassandra reports and gets some news. Since we cleared the area from the rifts, the scouts could explore further and found the locations of the Templars and rebel mages' hiding places. They want our support to clear it because they hope some can still be convinced to join the Inquisition.

It sucks that we wouldn't be going back to Haven that day, but sure. Let's get this over with.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 11.05.2018 - updated version.)

We go into the forest and I can already see the signs of battle. So many dead people. Dead by all sorts of methods. The smell is awful but the energy around is even worse. Too much death in the same place. I think the word for this is miasma. The horses become uneasy and we are forced to leave them behind with some scouts. Solas warns us that the place ahead is full of wards, so we proceed carefully until we are in range for him and Cassandra to dispell them. Of course that causes the mages to come out of their cave.

Such an awful fight. If this was just a show of magic it would have been so pretty... but those spells meant only one thing: death. And so many people died. By the end only five of those fifty or so mages surrendered and joined us. We found them hiding inside the cave, trying not to be killed by two other mages that would kill them for ‘deserting’ the cause. A couple of our soldiers died too and we have their bodies be sent back after we search the place.

I get myself a ring that should empower my Barrier and a better staff. I can already feel the stronger conduit greeting me when I pick it up. We also find more supplies to be sent to the refugees. I tell Solas to keep a tunic for him since his was pretty much shredded. I think it is enchanted too but I couldn't identify it. Whatever it was should benefit him.

We make our way, then, to the Templar's. Scouts tell us there are traps ahead and Varric goes along with some of them to disarm them. Everything goes well enough until I'm hit by Dispell and Smite. That shit hurts. It gives me such and extreme headache and my heart feels like it just lost someone really important, and I'm pretty sure that is because my connection to the Fade was interrupted. If it wasn't so damn disorientating I'm pretty sure I would be so pissed off. But I cannot do anything else but fall on my knees. And I think my head would have flown away if Solas hadn't frozen that Templar. I could feel the cold air and then hear the muffled sound of ice cracking.

I can't even react to the arm lifting me up so efforlessly and carrying me towards the back of some rocks so I can recover. It takes me some minutes to do so and I see Varric shooting people from beside me.

When the battle is over we don't find anybody that wanted to join us. All of them just fought to the death. Stupid people. Cassandra gets another armor, if only temporarily until we get to Haven, and Varric gets more arrows. More supplies go towards the refugees and we move back to the scout's camp for the rest of the day. Since we didn't stop for lunch my vision is pretty blurry and I have to make the way back hugging the horse's neck so I don't fall.

We eat and after I feel a bit stronger I go down the stream to do my nightly routine. I sit by the fire and manage to listen to the end of one of Varric's tales. He then decides it’s a good moment to have me sing that song.

“Really, Varric?  **Now** ?”

“We could have a nice song about resting after a journey, don't you think? We did fix a lot of shit here and I'm pretty sure it’s the end. At least for now. We  **are** going back to Haven tomorrow, aren't we?”

“That is the plan.” Cassandra says. “But what is this about you singing?”

“You were sleeping when we talked about it, Seeker. Turns out Crystal can sing. And she has this nice song she told us she would sing.”

“I didn't say I would. You insisted I should. That is completely different. And that song also can be sad. It can be about death.”

“Well, we had plenty of those today too. And if it is a pretty song I'm sure the men we lost would appreciate the memory.” I sigh. They would, wouldn't they?.

“Alright, Varric. But I warned you, I'm no trained singer. Don't go making fun of me.”

“I won't. But I'm pretty sure you'll do just fine if that humming was any indication.”

“Fine...” I take a deep breath and sing it. “Lay down... your sweet and weary head. Night is falling, you have come to journey's end. Sleep now... and dream of the ones who came before. They are calling... from across the distant shore.”

“Why do you weep? What are these tears upon your face? Soon you will see... all of your fears will pass away. Safe in my arms... you're only sleeping. What can you see... on the horizon? Why do the white gulls call? Across the sea... a pale moon rises. The ships have come to carry you home. And all will turn... to silver glass. A light on the water... All souls pass.” 

“Hope fades. Into the world of night. Through shadows falling... out of memory and time. Don't say... we have come now to the end. White shores are calling. You and I will meet again... and you will be here... in my arms... just sleeping. What can you see... On the horizon? Why do the white gulls call? Across the sea... a pale moon rises. The ships have come to carry you home. And all will turn... to silver glass. A light on the water. Grey ships pass... into the West.”

There is just silence around me when I finish. I notice  **everybody** was looking at me. It makes me feel incredibly self-conscious.

“That is... so pretty, Grace.” Cassandra says. “And you sing so well too.”

“I don't even have words! This never happens!” Varric says.

“You do have a talent.” Solas says.

“I... er... thanks... guys.”

“I'm sure our fallen are just as happy as we are. That was great. You should sing more for us, Crystal.”

“I don't know, Varric... I'm a shy person if you haven't noticed.” He laughs.

“Yeah, I've noticed, but it will be such a wasted talent if you don't!” I sigh.

“I'll think about it.”

“That's good enough for now.” He chuckles.

“I do wonder how many more surprises you hold.” Solas says with a... warm expression? Do I see that right?

“Told you.. stick around and you'll see.” I smile and then turn to the fire. I can't keep looking at him or I'll start gawking.

I stay there until my hair is dry and I go to sleep. I hope the way back is clear and we can make it there fast. I could use a  _ real _ rest and some food to get my strength back. I wonder which potions Adan would be able to make with those supplies we got for him. I know the one I need the most won't be among them though... stupid rare ingredients.

 

I open my eyes to my beach and prepare the surroundings. I go to the water and wet my feet. I decide to play a bit on the shallow part and the wisps observe me from afar. I lay down and let myself get completely wet. The water is warm and it feels so nice. After a while, laying down observing the gulls flying, I hear his voice. I wonder why he never lets me feel him when he is here.

“You sang beautifully. And so full of emotion.”

“That song moves me.” I say without looking at him. “It has strong meanings. Comfort, peace, death.”

“That it does. Tonight also was the second time you told me to stay.”

“I guess it was? I don't really remember.”

“I did think about leaving. When we were back in Haven.”

“Oh? What changed your mind?”

“You trusted me.”

“I...” I turn on my belly and look at him and I got no idea what his expression means. “I don't understand.”

“You wanted my help to train. You trusted me to teach you, and with your secrets. Why do you trust me?”

“Er...” I sit up. “Many reasons... really.” He raises his eyebrows for a second. “But I guess the main one is that you wish me no harm.” And you need me.

“May I know the other reasons?”

“If you stick around you might!” I chuckle and he tilts his head then shakes it with a smile.

“I do not know for how long I will be able to stay, however. As helpful as I have been to the Inquisition, being an apostate does not make things easier, or safer.” Is this  _ that _ first dialogue?

“Solas, I wouldn't let anyone do anything against your will.” He tilts his head and I continue before he can say anything. “They made me their Herald, and they need my help. Well, I need you.” Shit! “I need your help. To do anything to you they would have to go through me first, and I'm pretty sure they won't.”

“That is... thank you.”

“There is no need to thank me for it. But you're welcome.” I smile. “And I told you once before and I tell you again, if you ever need anything, tell me.”

“I will keep it in mind.” He nods with a smile. Please smile more.. aww. “Do you have any other song you could sing?”

**“Really?** Are you serious? You want me to sing...  **now** ?”

“Yes. If you do not mind, it would please me greatly to listen to you. As the others have already said, you do have a beautiful voice.” He looks around. “And I assume this atmosphere would only add to it.”

“I... well... er... how can I say no to you?” Oh fuck... I didn’t just say that... shit… loose tongue in the Fade... urgh... I get up and leave the water, walking towards the sand and sit down beside him but keeping my distance. “Let's see what comes to me.”

I concentrate for a minute and the only song that comes to my mind is cheesy... and it would be so awkward to sing it. Shit. But he is looking at me expectantly, I can't just leave him hanging. I sigh.

“I'm sorry if it becomes weird... it is the only one that my mind seems to recall right now...” I hum the guitar and then start “It's hard for me... to say the things... I want to say sometimes. There's no one here... but you and me... and that old street light. Lock the doors. We'll leave the world outside. All I've got to give to you... are these five words when I...” I can't look at him, I just lock my eyes on the waves. “Thank you... for loving me... for being my eyes... when I couldn't see... for parting my lips... when I couldn't breathe. Thank you... for loving me... thank you... for loving me.”

“I never knew I had a dream... until that dream was you. When I look into your eyes the sky's a different blue. Cross my heart, I wear no disguise. If I tried, you'd make believe... that you believed my lies. Thank you... for loving me. For being my eyes... when I couldn't see. For parting my lips... when I couldn't breathe. Thank you... for loving me.”

I close my eyes and continue “You pick me up when I fall down. You ring the bell before they count me out yea. If I was drowning you would part the sea... and risk your own life to rescue me... yea yea yea yea yeaaa”

I hum the guitar part, open my eyes to the waves and continue “Lock the doors... We'll leave the world outside. All I've got to give to you, are these five words when I... thank you... for loving me... for being my eyes... ooh when I couldn't see... for parting my lips... when I couldn't breathe. Thank you... for loving me... when I couldn't fly... ooh you gave me wings... you parted my lips when I couldn't breathe... thank you... for loving me... thank you... for loving me... thank you... for loving me... ooh for loving me”. I take a deep breath and I'm not sure I want to look at him. I keep looking at the waves and chuckle uncomfortable.

“That was... a beautiful song.” I chuckle nervously. Why did I agree to sing again?

“Er... yea... it is.” I look to my feet and wiggle my toes.

“I have never heard that song before.”

“Another one that I learned from the people that came to my house.”

“Thank you for singing it for me.” I look at him then, he is looking at the waves. He seems... peaceful? He looks at me and I immediately turn my gaze away. He chuckles and I blush. “I will go now. I do not want to make you more uncomfortable.”

“No!” Oh shit... I think I shouted that. “I er... it's just that... urgh... sorry. I didn't mean to make this weird, it's just...” He chuckles.

“It is fine. Do you want to practice some reading, then?”

“I... yes... I guess that would be a good idea. But... I have no books here in the beach.” He chuckles.

“I can fix that. Come with me?” I stand up and he changes the beach into a library. I can't help looking at the place in awe. It’s not very big but it is so pretty. Wooden shelves full of books, such a pretty rug on the floor too. I wiggle my toes on the softness of its hairs. So nice! Solas chuckles at my behavior. I look at him and smile.

“This place is awesome.”

“It’s just a simple library I have come across in one of my journeys. The place was ruins but its memory was very strong. Many spirits of knowledge still lingered there.”

“Amazing!” I look from him to the shelves then. “What are we reading?”

“Since you sang me a song I think it is only fair that I show you an old one. Too bad I do not know its rhythm.”

“Oh, that is such a pity but even then I would love to know the lyrics.” Maybe I could even think of a rhythm for it...

“Then let me get the book and we will begin.”

We stay there, going through the lyrics until I wake up. Turns out the song is the telling of an adventure. Really nice and happy one I must say. And I manage to recognize some letters more easily too. I wake up with a smile on my face and of course Varric teases me to death when he sees me smiling like an idiot. I can't help it, though. I am happy.

I go through my morning routine, we all eat and then we leave. I go with Cassandra on the horse once again. I'll be getting riding lessons once we get to Haven. I must say that I am a mix of looking forward to it and scared out of my wits. I just hope I don't break anything. I've heard so many stories of people breaking parts when trying to learn to ride a horse.

 

The way is clear and we move fast through the area. Going by the road also makes things much faster. It is not nice to be on a running horse with someone on my back, though. And her armor only makes it feel even worse. By the time we stop for lunch I feel like crap already. I lay on the grass and try to relax.

“Hey Solas...” I say to him standing some meters away. “Any chance I can have more of that tea?”

“Of course. I will prepare some.”

“Thank you!” I relax back on the grass and then after some minutes I feel something on my wrist. The gloves are really short ones in case you are wondering what I did with my gloves. I peek at it and see that it is a small lizard. Aw cutie cutie little thing! “Oh hello there you little thing!” I say with a soft voice and don't move my hand so it won't immediately run away and I keep looking at it. I wonder why it decided to stop on me.

“Who are you talking to?” Cassandra asks.

“To this cutie little thing that decided it was a good idea to sunbathe on my arm, Cassandra.” I chuckle and she raises and eyebrow. She comes slowly towards me and the lizard moves its head towards her but doesn't run away.

“Oh! What a disgusting creature!”

“Aw don't offend the little one, Cassandra! It is so cute! Look at those tiny hands! And the big eyes”!

“Those things are dirty and cold.”

“Well I am cold too, and I'm pretty sure we all get dirty once in a while.”

“Now that you mention it, you were really cold that first day. I thought it was because you were weak but the other night when I touched your hand you also were quite cold.”

“That's normal for me, though. My skin gets cold when it’s cold, and I get so hot when it’s hot that I feel sick. I really hope we don't have to go anywhere hot any time soon. I'm pretty sure I would die.”

“You are... different, for sure.” She says and then looks at the lizard. “And that thing is disgusting!” She goes back and I laugh.

“Don't listen to her, little lizard! You are adorable!” I tell it in a soft voice again. Really, I love lizards.

Eventually it goes away and I tell it a soft “Bye” and sit up. Solas gives me the tea not much time later.

“Thank you so much, Solas. It's not easy to ride that horse. Everything hurts.”

“I hope the tea helps you enough. It will not take us as long to go back now that we have horses, however it still will be a long way to get there.”

“Yea... I thought so.”

 

I drink my tea and Varric comes back with two nugs some minutes later. He also gives me some fruits which I eat while the meat roasts over the fire.

“Solas, do you mind helping me with those resources once again? I couldn't recognize any others.”

“I do not mind, no. Give me the items.” He says so plainly I can almost bet he is bored. I give him the stuff and he goes through some pages checking for the symbols and marks some resources on the map.

“Thank you very much! I hope next time I will be able to do this without bothering you.”

“Do not worry, I will help if I can.” I give him a smile and then put the stuff back in the bag.

After we eat we get back on the horses and continue the way towards Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Into the West - Annie Lennox  
> Thank You for Loving Me - Bon Jovi


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace meets another spirit, finds out more about herself and the party gets more insight on her thoughts about spirits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I've been receiving such nice comments that I'm really happy that I decided to post this story. It makes me really happy to see that you all enjoy it and that I've been able to give you a nice story to read <3 Thank you very much for letting me know what you think, for the kudos and for sticking around! <3

We leave the road and go into the woods towards the river so we can set up camp for the night. I assume we covered today what took us two days on foot. Varric goes out to hunt and I drop on the grass while Solas prepares me more tea.

“It is good we finally have something that can help you,” Cassandra says.

“Yeah... that tea might not fix everything but it sure helps a lot.”

Cramps hit me again, it wasn't bothering me anymore since that day. I suppose it means the period will start soon. Or not... depending on how messed up my body is by out-of-control hormones. I curl to the side and massage my belly. Shit.

After it is ready I sit up to drink the tea and thank Solas for it. Varric comes back and after we all eat I go to the river for my nightly routine. I don't wash my hair, though. I want to go straight to sleep because my body is too sore and I want to rest as soon as possible.

I open my eyes to my beach and protect it. Soon I am hit by a familiar warmth, but this time there is something else. Some other kind of warmth, more... fulfilling. I look back and see Kindness with another woman, this one looks a bit older. They both smile at me and I give them a warm smile in return.

“Hello.” Kindness says. “I brought one of my friends today. She was curious about you. She was shy at first, but after I told her about our meetings she became eager to see you.”

“Hi. I'm pleased to meet you. I am Grace, but I think you may already know that.” I chuckle.

“Hello.” Her voice is so soothing. “I am known as Love.” My eyes go wide and she tilts her head. Wow... this is unexpected.

“I... didn't think I would meet someone like you.”

“See, just like I told you.” Kindness says and chuckles.

“What did you tell her?”

“That you don't give yourself too much credit.”

“Oh... yea... I agree... heh.”

“You have such a strong aura around you.” Love says. “Many spirits feel you. They feel how much **you** feel. How _strongly_ you feel.” She tilts her head. “I do not understand, though. Why do you feel so much for others, but not for yourself?”

“I... suppose I don't believe in myself much?”

“Why?” She insists.

“I... don't know.” She tilts her head.

“Can you think about it? So you can tell me next time?”

“I... will do that. Yes.”

“Good.” She gives me a very warm smile. “You would feel much better if you could give yourself some of that love you have. You have so much! I have to go now, we will talk another time.”

“Until next time.” I smile at them.

“Bye, I will bring you another friend next time. I am still trying to find them. You made it easier when you closed some of those rifts, but there is still too much disturbance. I will keep trying, though. Remember, think good things!” She smiles and disappears with her friend.

I take a deep breath and look around. The wisps are very... happy? I guess I am happy too. They sure are nice company. I sit down and look at the waves. Kindness and Love? I wonder what Solas would think about this... heh. Should I tell him?

I stay there just enjoying the peace and then I decide to work some more on my castle. It’s too hard to work without tools, though. I try to concentrate some more on summoning them, but nothing happens. Guess I'll ask Solas about it... or should I wait for Kindness' friend?

 

Cassandra wakes me up to prepare and off I go. We eat leftovers from dinner and get back on the road. My body was already sore from yesterday and at the moment I climb on the horse I can't help but to whimper in pain. Cassandra asks me if I'm alright and I tell her that I'm just sore. Solas says I should have asked for more tea, but I tell him I didn't think it would be necessary; because, well, I'm used to being in pain. He frowns but accepts it, saying he will get me more tea when we stop next time.

I spend the whole way thinking about Love's question. Why don't I love myself? And I can't come to an answer. I used to think I loved myself when I was a teenager, but looking back I realize that I didn't. It was actually arrogance. I used to think I loved myself when in reality I despised everyone else and thought I was better not because I loved myself, but because I didn't value others. And when I started valuing others years later there was nothing left to make me feel better about myself. I always loathed myself and my life. I realize it now. But why?  _ That _ .. I don't know.

We stop for lunch and I drink the tea while Varric is out hunting. When he comes back I hear him asking Solas to prepare the meat and then not much longer he comes to me.

“What has gotten into you today?” He asks.

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Ever since we left this morning you are quieter than usual and with that worried expression on your face. What is it?”

“Ah... it's nothing serious. Don't worry, Varric.”

“It sure looks serious. Come on, it might help if you talk about it.”

“I... I'm not sure you will want to hear it.”

“Even if I don't want to hear it I will, if it means you will get that expression off your face and that weight off your shoulders.” My eyes go wide.

“I... don't know what to say, Varric. You really care that much?”

“Do you even have to ask, Crystal? After all these shitty days we've been through?”

“I... sorry... it's just... I'm not used to this.” I sigh. “I guess we did go through a lot, huh?”

“We did. Now out with it. I don't want to see you become target to another demon, Crystal.” Oh, he is worried that I would be possessed again. “We will help you with whatever it is.”

“I... fine... it's just... a friend asked me a question and I don't know how to answer.” He gets such a confused expression on his face it almost makes me want to laugh.

“A... question... from a friend?”

“Yeah...”

“Did Chuckles confess to you?” I go red, I'm sure.

“What?! No! Come on, Varric!” He laughs.

“Completely worth it. That look on your face, much better.” He smiles. “But really, who asked you such difficult question? The Seeker? Chuckles? I'm sure I didn't ask any difficult questions.”

“It's... none of you... It was a... spirit friend.”

“You have... spirit... friends?”

“After that horrible experience with the demon you now say you befriended one?” Cassandra says, I think she is mad.

“It's a nice spirit, Cassandra, not a demon.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I... can feel their energy. Plus, I protect myself in the Fade since Solas taught me how.” I look at Solas but he has his back to me. I wonder what he is thinking.

“I still think it is dangerous.”

“I'm safe with them, Cassandra. They are good spirits.”

“I can confirm that no spirit who wished to harm her could enter her space, Cassandra.” Solas finally says, but I still can't see his face. His voice is calm, though.

“Well, if you say so.”

“I'm still confused, though.” Varric says. “You have a spirit friend?”

“Two, actually.” I smile remembering my beach full of wisps. “And some... followers? I guess.” I chuckle. “I don't really know what to make of the wisps.”

“Spirits  **and** wisps? Maker!” Cassandra says.

“The wisps are harmless, Cassandra.” Solas says. “They like the place because it is safe and has a comforting atmosphere. I am curious, however, about the nature of those spirits. You have not told me about them.” He turns to me and I got no idea what he is thinking. I hope he isn't mad or thinking that I don't trust him.

“I think I didn't have the chance to. I... well, sometimes it’s hard for me to start conversations, and... er... I didn't want to bother you or anything.” I can see him raise his eyebrows. I wonder what he is thinking.

“I doubt it would have bothered him, Crystal. If anything, I think it would have made his day.” Varric chuckles. “He loves spirits and the Fade, remember?”

“Er... that is true... it's just... I'm...”

“You are too shy to start conversations.” He smiles. “I know, Crystal. Which is why I'm poking you. What is that question after all?” I sigh.

“Love asked me why I don't love myself.” I say looking at the ground.

“Wait...  **love** asked you?” Varric is obviously confused. I can't help laughing this time and I look at him with a smile.

“Yes, Varric. It's a spirit of Love.”

“I... er...  **really** ? Does something like that really exists?”

“It is rare to have them show themselves, but they do exist, Master Tethras.” Solas says and his eyes are... shining?

“But wait... it  _ asked _ you why you don't  _ love _ yourself? What do you mean?” I sigh. Guess I should explain from the beginning?

“Er... alright. So... I was in the Fade last night and Kindness brought her friend.” Varric interrupts me, raising his hand, I see then that Cassandra and Solas are looking at me with amazed expressions.

“Kindness?” Varric says.

“Yes. It is a spirit I met some time after that incident with Despair. She has helped me a lot.”

“She?” Cassandra asks.

“Well, since they show themselves as female I refer to them as female. They do too, though.”

“Alright... let me see if I get this.” Varric says scratching his forehead. “ _ Kindness _ ... brought you her...  _ friend _ ? That  _ friend _ ... is  _ Love _ ?”

“That's right. And Love told me that... er... well... I... er.. have too much love... in me...” I look to the ground, this is embarrassing to talk about to them. “But that I don't love myself. She wants to know why I can... er... this is weird to talk about... why I feel so much for others but not for myself. And I don't know why. It just has always been like that.” Silence fills the air for some minutes and I don't even dare take my eyes from the ground.

“That has something to do with the past you don't want to talk about, does it not?” Cassandra breaks the silence.

“I... guess so. I once heard someone tell my mother 'that girl has everything but still she is so sad. I don't understand'. Well, neither do I, to be honest.” I'm pretty sure if I look at them I'll see eyes full of pity, so I keep my eyes to some blades of grass.

“So Love wants to know why you love others but not yourself?” Varric breaks some more minutes of silence.

“Yes. I told her I would think about it but I can't find an answer.”

“Do you perhaps believe you are not worthy of love?” Cassandra asks.

“I... I'm not sure. I mean...” I sigh. “I... shit... er... I want to be loved, you know? But at this point I don't even know if I could notice if I am. I'm so used to not being loved... I think that might have burned into me that I don't deserve to be loved?”

“That's bullshit!” Varric says. “Crystal, you are one of the nicest people I know. Of course you deserve to be loved. Whoever tell you otherwise is a nug-humper bastard!”

“Well, guess that makes  **me** a nug-humper bastard.” I smirk and he tries to say something but I continue. “I know what you mean... thanks Varric.” I sigh. “I still can't find my answer, though.”

“It seems to be a problem that is too deeply rooted in your past. You might need time to find such an answer.” Solas says, calmly as ever.

“I think Solas is right.” Cassandra says. “But you shouldn't worry so much over it. Some answers should come to you. If you keep forcing yourself for an answer you will be stuck. Your mind has to rest too.”

“I... guess you're right. Thank you, everyone.” I look at them with a smile and I have no clue what they are thinking. At least it is not pity. That makes me glad.

“Come on, let me tell you a fun story.” Varric motions for me to go to the fire and I join them. He tells us one of his adventures with Hawke, one that has a lot of laughs in it. We eat and then get back on the road. I stop worrying about my answer for now.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace struggles with period and sets some changes in motion in Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)

We decide to set up camp and make the last part of the trip by the morning. We could push through the night but we decided it wasn't worth it. Varric, as always, goes hunting and Solas helps Cassandra with the tents. After he is done he lights the fire and gets the tea brewing for me. What do I do while they are busy? I'm laying on the grass, or what's left of it, since we are close to Haven and there are a lot of snow everywhere, trying not to cry because my body hurts everywhere and the damn cramps are back again. When Solas tells me the tea is ready I try to make my way to the fire but everything spins and I almost fall back on the ground.

“Are you alright?” Cassandra asks.

“I'm... dizzy.” It's hard to breathe, it feels like there is not enough oxygen in the air. I know this feeling all too well: the damn anaemia and my anxiety are pairing up to make me feel weaker. “I'll be better once I eat something.”

I can't drink the tea immediately, though. I have to spend some time with my head down, almost between my knees, to get my brain working again. It doesn't help much, though. Eventually I give up and drink the tea all at once and lay back on the ground, closing my eyes.

“Are you sure you are well?” Cassandra asks.

“No, I'm definitely not. But there is nothing that can be done about it.” She sighs. “Sorry, but it's the truth. At least the pain will decrease a little soon.”

 

“Is she alright?” Varric aks when he is back some minutes later. I'm still laying on the same spot with my arm over my eyes.

“She's not.” Cassandra says. “But we can't do anything more for her. She already drank the tea Solas prepared. She said she would feel better after eating.”

“Well, then let's get this roasting. Hey, Crystal, I didn't find much but I got you some berries.” He comes up to me and I try to sit up. Everything spins and I lay back again. I take the fruits from him still laying down and place them over my chest so I can eat them.

“Thank you very much, Varric.”

“You're welcome.” He sighs. “I really hope you can get better in Haven.”

“So do I, Varric. So do I...”

I go back into silence and I don't really pay attention to what they talk about. It's something about Chantry in Val Royeaux or something like that. I dread that topic. I really hate those women thinking they know better than everyone and doing nothing to help, only focusing on spreading more fear. And then there are the Templars. Urgh.

 

We eat and even then I don't have enough strength to go clean myself. It sucks but I accept that I can't do it tonight. At least I'm not really dirty. It could be a lot worse. I go to my bedroll with Cassandra's help and I don't even see the Fade.

I wake up not much better than yesterday, and if I didn't have to pee I would have just waited for them to prepare everything for us to leave. But I have to pee, so I make my way through the trees, with a lot of difficulty. Climbing the horse was only possible with a lot of effort from Cassandra.

 

We make it to Haven by midday, and I not once can let go of the horse's neck. I simply have no strength to sit straight. As we approach the village I hear the horn signaling our arrival. When we make it to the stables I can see the advisors already waiting. I get down from the horse and greet them weakly. They look at me with worried faces and I can only imagine how awful my appearance must be.

“Are you well, Herald?” Josephine asks.

“No, I'm feeling awful to be honest.” And then I feel something warm coming down. Shit, shit, shit! “I have to get to my cabin. Excuse me.”

“But...” She tries to continue but I interrupt.

“Sorry, I really must go.” It’s not easy, though. Being weak and dizzy, everything seems to be dancing around me and I trip a few times before I feel a hand on my elbow stabilizing me.

“Let me help you get there.” Solas says and I look at him a bit shocked. This was certainly not something I was expecting.

“Thank you.” We walk there but I feel extremely uncomfortable. I'm fucking leaking and can't even run to fix it! Shit! “Why, though?”

“Cassandra stayed to report and Varric thought it was best I got you there. Considering you are not well.”

“I didn't want to be a problem.”

“It’s just a slight detour from my own way, it is no problem. And you must accept help when you need it.”

“I... Sorry. Thank you, Solas.”

We make it to my cabin and he gives me back the pack he took from me at some point. I can only think about how much I hope my clothes aren't dirty. I thank him again and he leaves. As much as I wish I could admire him walking away, the uncomfortable warmth urges me to lock the door and get to business. This situation reminds me of when my mother told me how she had to use rags early in her teenage years. Shit... how does this shit even work? Do I have to wash it? Urgh.

After I'm done I make my way to the tavern. Food! Real food! Flissa looks at me with a worried face and she even tells me “I can see you need some really strong food, Herald”. I chuckle and get my bowl. I sit at the corner table and I feel really thankful for being home. Home... Can I consider this home? And then I remember everything will burn. I need to think about some way to minimize our losses.

It hits me, then. Why was I sent here of all places? Is it so I could use my knowledge from the game and change things? Does this mean... Oh shit, of course! I'm in the past, of course it is so I can make a better future!

I look at the people in the tavern. They still look at me as if I'm some rare creature deserving of awe, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore. I'm more worried about how I can help them survive the attack. And can I help both mages and Templars? I suppose in real life there really shouldn't be anything making it impossible... should there?

“I see you are lost in thoughts again.” Varric says, sitting at the table with a bowl of food and a mug of whatever it is he drinks.

“Ah... it's complicated this time.”

“Well, I'm pretty sure last time wasn't easy either.”

“Yeah, I guess you're right. Say, Varric, do you think we can help both mages and Templars?”

“Woa Crystal, you really don't think easy stuff.” He drinks some and then continues. “I... think it would be hard. It would involve both parties willing a truce. And after the Conclave... I don't think it could happen.” I sigh.

“I see your point. Do you think, though, that everyone there is really that united? Can't we like... break them from the inside and get those people that could want to join us?” He raises his eyebrows.

“I honestly didn't think you had it in you. You know? That kind of line of thought. I think it is worth it to discuss with the Nightingale.”

“Yeah... I'll do that.” I eat some and then I ask him. “Hey, Varric, why did you tell Solas to take me home?”

“Well, why wouldn't I? He probably was as worried as everyone else and if anything happened he is the only one who could carry you.”

“Do you mean every time I was carried he was the one who did it?”

“Who did you think it was?” He chuckles. “I'm pretty sure I could handle your weight but you are big, you know. I don't think I've ever seen a human woman that tall. And well, Cassandra always was needed doing something else.”

“Oh... shit.”

“What? Don't you like having him caring for you?”

“I don't like being a hindrance, a problem for him.”

“Well, I'm pretty sure you're not. Don't worry.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Well, Crystal, I can read people. He is mysterious, alright, but the way he treats you, you are no hindrance or problem to him. It is quite easy to know when something bothers him.”

“Well... guess I'll take your word for it. I suck at reading people and I sure have a lot of self-loathing going around.”

“You should work on that, you know. You can learn to love yourself too.”

“I wish I knew how.”

“First step is not judging yourself so much. And then you can start accepting yourself.” I sigh.

“I... I'll try.”

“Good. Trying is a good start. After you manage that I'll tell you the rest of the steps.” He smiles and I can't help smiling back.

I finish my food and say goodbye to him, I got to go find Leliana and see if she can get some sort of plan in motion. Also I should see if Cullen can get people to investigate Haven for that tunnel Roderick leads people through. Since I never saw the man I doubt he will magically show up to save us. Well, them,  _ I _ should stay behind to face Corypheus. But before heading to Leliana I make a stop at my cabin to check on my ‘situation’.

I find Leliana in a tent by the Chantry, it is almost a deja-vu from the game. She is receiving a report from a scout and I hear something about a betrayal. She orders for the person to be killed but I tell her that she should capture them instead and hear exactly what happened before doing anything.

“No one can undo death, Leliana. It’s best to be sure it’s needed than to regret it and be unable to do anything about it. Plus, people may deserve another chance to redeem themselves.”

Of course she doesn't feel happy about it but she sees my point and orders for them to be captured and brought in for questioning. After the scout leaves I tell her about my idea of getting people from both mages and Templars. She approves of it and says she will start making plans to get spies in both groups to assess the situation.

 

I make my way to Adan to check if he could get any of those supplies and I'm happy to see that some indeed arrived and he already prepared some stuff for me. Too bad the one I needed the most couldn't be made because it required those damn rare ingredients and the merchant really didn't have them. He will send me the stuff later and I make my way to my cabin again. I can't ever be too sure with these stuff, especially since I don't really know how to handle it.

I take the chance to get the map so I could update the quartermaster. When I get to him he handles me another map, this time of Orlais, and a book with the resources I could find there. I get to Cullen and once again I have to ask him to follow me outside of the training grounds because I can't stand the smell.

“Are you feeling any better?” He asks.

“I just ate but I think I do feel a little better already.”

“I'm glad to hear it. Cassandra told us about how hard it was for you, the travel.”

“Yeah, it definitely wasn't easy. I'm not used to such strenuous activities and my health doesn't make it any better.”

“I hope you can get your strength back while in Haven. We still haven't gotten word from the Mothers, so hopefully you will have time before having to leave again.”

“I hope so, too. Anyway, Commander, the reason I'm interrupting your work is a little tricky. I hope you can see my reasoning. You see, the way Haven is built, it’s not meant to hold an attack of any nature.”

“That is true.” He tilts his head and I continue.

“Things might not continue to flow this smoothly for long and we have no way to defend ourselves, or all these civilians, from a large attack.”

“Unfortunately, also true.”

“So, I was thinking: Haven is old and I've heard from people in my past that the Hero of Ferelden used it to reach the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Some people even used to cross old tunnels in a pilgrimage of sorts.”

“I think I see where you are going.” I smile then.

“My idea is to get people to check Haven for old tunnels that could lead to a safe route. To allow people a place to escape during an attack.”

“Yes, that is indeed a great idea, Herald.” He smiles. Cute. “I will see to it as soon as possible. Maybe even coordinate with Leliana's spies.”

“I'm glad to help, Commander.” I smile.

“If you get any more ideas that could help us, please don't hesitate to share them.” I chuckle.

“Of course. I'll let you go back to work. Have a good day, Commander.”

“You as well, Herald.”

I watch as he walks back to the training grounds. Such a handsome man! I sigh. But Solas is the best. I chuckle and make my way towards his cabin. I want to see if I can get the recipe for that tea.

 

I get to Solas' door and I feel both his ward and his amazing presence. He is inside, and I become suddenly anxious. Will he think I'm annoying him? We just made it back and I'm already bugging him with my presence. I sigh. I need the tea, though... I really could use some. My body hurts a lot from all the pilled stress and pain plus the horse ride and cramps. I knock twice. It is not long until the ward is lifted and the door opens. He greets me with a plain face.

“I see you are better.” I chuckle.

“Not as much as I wished, but yes.”

“Do you want to come in?”

“I... don't plan on taking much of your time, but I think it's best to talk inside, yes.” He makes way and motions for me to enter. “Thank you.”

“What brings you here?”

“I... was hoping you could tell me the recipe for that tea, so I wouldn't need to keep bothering you for it.”

“Are you still in pain?”

“Solas, I'm  **always** in pain.” I give him a weak smile and he frowns. “It's just some days are worse than others.”

“Sit. I will make you some more.”

“But I don't want to bother you with it!”

“Sit, Grace. And I will teach you how to make it while you drink.”

“I... thank you, Solas.” I sit on the chair and watch him going about. Such a perfect man.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get really messy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)

“May I know more about your spirit friends?” Solas asks me while working on the tea.

“Sure. What do you want to know?”

“I should not be surprised after seeing so many wisps, but I cannot help wondering about the way you react so easily to them.” Well, guess growing up in a family of mediums helps with it...

“Well, they wish me no harm, they are good to be around. How can I react any other way?”

“You said you feel their energy. Is it the same thing when you feel magic?”

“I... don't think so, no. When I feel magic I'm not really sure what I feel, I think it’s mostly the energy flowing through the air. Or the vibration it causes. It’s hard to explain. But when I feel the spirits I can feel their presence, their intent, the energy that flows around them. And when it comes to Kindness I can feel such a happy and warm feeling, you know? I feel safe with her. Love, though, that was an intense one. It's like a really comforting embrace. I could feel her deep inside my heart.” I can't help smiling at the memory and I also feel my chest getting warmer, full of that amazing warm feeling. I look at Solas and his eyes are shining so bright. Guess he really loves talking about spirits.

“You really enjoy their company.”

“I do.” I say with a smile and he smiles too. Ooooh!.

“It’s really rare for spirits of such nature to show themselves. Your connection to the Fade is stronger, but to make them comfortable enough to talk to you is remarkable.”

“Well, they do say my... aura, as they put it, is strong. That they can feel me strongly through the Veil.”

“Yes. I expect them to. Your connection is unusually stronger. I told you once, that spirits would be more compelled to be around you. I just did not expect them to show themselves, or for you to become their friends.” He pours the tea in a cup and brings it for me, sitting down afterwards.

“I suppose with how people seem to react on the topic of spirits you really would think so.” I sip on my tea. “Do you want me to introduce them to you?”

“I would like that, yes.”

“Alright, then.” I smile. “I'll talk to them next time and see when they would be able to meet with us.”

“I shall wait for it. Now, about the tea.”

 

He tells what I would need for the tea and how to prepare it. Since I couldn't collect the ingredients myself for lack of knowledge he gives me some and says he will try to find more, although he is unsure about finding them around Haven.

I don't want to bother him with my presence much longer so I thank him and make my way towards my cabin. And I stay there until it’s time for me to get more food in the tavern. I spend the time in between going through my clothes, putting the clean ones back in the drawers and the dirty ones in the pile to wash and I decide to practice my reading afterwards.

I make my way to the tavern and see Varric telling a tale to about a dozen people surrounding him. I get my food and sit on my table, only to hear him describe my Pillar. He is telling them about me. Shit. As if I already didn't have enough problems by their thinking I was blessed by Andraste, now they think I do have some divine power because not only I  _ glow _ some special silver light, but I also can bring light from the sky to purge evil. Oh, Varric, what will I do to you?

He makes his way to my table after he is done and I see people looking at me with more awe than before, if it was even possible. Oh well... ignore them... they don't know any better... at least they have hope, right? Wish  _ I _ had hope... I sigh.

“Why did you tell them that story as if I'm some divine apparition, Varric?”

“Well, people love a good story, and they already think you are sent by the Maker and blessed by Andraste. Telling them of your feats is nothing, really.”

“Yeah, right. Completely normal the way you told them.”

“I might have embellished it a little, but that's what I do. I tell stories and I know how to make them sound more appealing.” I sigh.

“I just wish I wasn't a figure they set on some sort of altar, you know? You know I'm just one more person, and a broken one at that. This mark on my hand could have gone to anybody else.”

“Well, we are lucky it went to you.”

“Lucky? Pff.  **Seriously** ? I'm so weak, Varric. I can barely keep myself standing, how am I going to save the world?”

“Well, you have me and the others to keep  _ you _ standing while you save the world.” He smirks.

“Oh... well... I... thank you, then.” He laughs.

“There is no need to thank me for that, Crystal. We are a team.” A... team? Hmmm...

“That sounds... nice.” I smile. “Well, I should go sleep. Have a good night, Varric. Thank you, for being a good friend.”

“Now you thank me for being a friend? You are weird, Crystal.” He laughs. “Good night!”

 

I get to my cabin and go about my nightly routine. While at it I notice some more rags. God this is so fucking awkward and embarrassing! I get under the covers wearing only my underwear and I feel so much more comfortable for being able to do so. And also, finally sleeping on a bed again. It might not be as soft as my bed on Earth was but it is extremely superior to a bedroll. I don't go to the Fade again, though. I think my body is too tired to do so. Or whatever it is that causes me to not go there.

I wake up to powerful cramps and some warm wetness. Shit, shit, shit! I try to move fast towards the chamberpot but I almost trip because I'm too dizzy. I manage to lock the door and get there, and God, how I wish I had my pills to never go through this shit again. There is just too much blood. I will never get better from anaemia if this continues. It's not like there are vitamin pills I can take to restore my iron levels. I'm in some deep trouble.

While I'm there, impatiently waiting for that stuff to decrease its fucking flow, someone knocks on my door.

“Herald, are you in there?” Cassandra asks. Shit.

“Yes, Cassandra. Just a minute.” Fuck, fuck, fuck! I try to get myself presentable but I see that there is a mess in a lot of places. That gets me in panic. Being in panic makes me hyperventilate. That plus anaemia plus the blood loss and guess what? Yes, I faint trying to fix the place.

 

I wake up on my bed. Cassandra is there, sitting on a chair. I don't see anyone else. Well, guess that's not too bad.

“Oh, I am glad you finally woke up.” She says.

“Finally? How long was I unconscious for?”

“Around five hours. It is about midday now.”

“Urgh. Sorry about that. And for the mess. I was trying to get the place decent when I blacked out.”

“Do not worry about it. I got the place cleaned and the door fixed while you slept.”

“Door... fixed?”

“When I was waiting for you I heard a loud noise and you would not respond. I had to break the lock to get to you.”

“Oh, wow. There I go causing more trouble.” I try to sit up but everything spins and I lay back.

“You should rest. Adan said you are losing too much blood. More than should be normal.”

“Adan? Shit.” Another weird situation for that man to see me in. I sigh.

“Solas could not help you either. It seems you are still unaffected by healing magic. He cannot even search for what is wrong in your body.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Solas too? Oh fuck.”

“What is the matter?”

“Uh, Cassandra... I didn't want him to see me in such awful state. I've already lost count of sorry situations he has seen me in. This is definitely not one I wanted to add to the list.” She frowns.

“You were bleeding terribly. I had to get you people that could have a chance at helping you. Also, the mark was flaring again.”

“The mark?”

“Yes. Solas says it was trying to stabilize you.”

“That is... unexpected.”

“The bleeding intensity changes from time to time. We really do not know what to make of it. It shouldn't be like this.”

“Told you this was a ‘blessing’ I didn't need.” I sigh. “I have this... condition, it makes my body behave differently. My...” what was the word for it? “moonblood is completely irregular. I can be months without it and then it would be too much. Too damn much. And sometimes it would happen twice in a month. That’s one of the reasons I’m so weak.” The way she talks about it makes me think it’s even worse than what I've ever been through, though... I wonder if it’s also part of my punishment to have it even worse or if it's because of the planet change...

“That... is hard. And there is nothing we can do to help you with that condition?”

“I asked Adan for the potion that can stop the moonblood and prevent pregnancies. It should help with this.” If it works as contraceptive pills it should put my hormones back in order. I sigh. “But some of the ingredients are hard to come by.”

“I think I know of which potion you speak. I will see with Josephine or Leliana if they can get into contact with someone that can supply us with the ingredients.”

“That would be awesome, Cassandra!” I smile and she smiles back, getting up from the chair.

“I will get some food delivered to you. Please, Grace, rest. I had come earlier to tell you of a meeting but we can discuss it after you are feeling better.”

“Thank you, Cassandra. For everything, really.”

“You are welcome. Rest.” She orders me then smiles and leaves. I sigh. Shit, another fucked up situation to be in.

I look at the mark. So you did yet another thing to help me? You are not what I expected. I do hope you don't try to kill me in a few years. Some minutes pass and someone knocks on the door. I ask who it is and Varric answers.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure, Varric.” I answer while trying to sit up. It isn't easy. I have no strength. I feel like I might fall at any second. I think this is the weakest I have  **ever** felt. He enters and I see he is bringing something.

“I offered the Seeker to bring you the food. Thought you could use some company.”

“Thank you, Varric. I appreciate it. I'm not sure I have the strength to talk much, though.” I take the bowl from him and my hands are shaking. He looks worried and I'm sure he is unsure if he should let me hold the bowl, but he releases it to me.

“You scared us once again, Crystal.” He sits on the chair. “You really should stop doing that.”

“I don't do it on purpose, you know.” He chuckles.

“I would be worried if you did.”

“How did you hear about it? I hope the people in Haven haven't.” It would be horrible if they’ve heard about it. God, I would be so embarrassed.

“The people don't know anything, don't worry. Apart from the servants, of course. They cleaned up and fixed the door the Seeker broke. But they are quiet, they respect privacy, and they sure as hell respect the Herald.”

“Well, guess that title can be useful then. And I hope the servants are treated well. I never see them but I can see they work pretty hard and they have taken really good care of my stuff.”

“I'm sure Ruffles takes good care of it, but if it would make you feel better you should talk to her about it.” Ruffles is Josephine, right?

“I will do that as soon as I can get out of this bed.”

“Does it always happen like this?”

“You mean the bleeding?” He nods. “Well, it can be pretty bad but I think this is the first time it got  **really** bad. It doesn't help that I was already too weak.”

“Your life is a mystery to me, Crystal. I can't understand how someone would have so many bad things happen to them.”

“Heh, I wonder the same thing. It's like I'm being punished by nature itself. Born with tons of problems.” I sigh. I know there are many people with their own problems and limitations, but hell, this sucks terribly. God must hate me.

“You deal with them well, you know.” I raise my eyebrows as if asking ‘Seriously?!’ “Except when you go on a self-loathing spree or gets possessed by a demon.” He smirks. “But really, you can’t be healed by either magic or potions, Chuckles' tea doesn't fully work on you either, and even in terrible pain you still continue on. And I can see that you love life even though it must be pretty hard living yours.” If only you knew...

“I... thank you, Varric. I do love life. It has so many wonders, you know? It really pisses me off when I see those people trying to make hell of other people's lives.” I  _ do _ love life, I just don’t know how to live mine.

“And that’s another thing that I think is great about you.” I tilt my head, he chuckles. “You really care about others. You want the world to be good for everyone. Usually people with a hard life would try to make other people's lives hard too, but you try your best to help them. And you still think so lowly of yourself.”

“I don't think I'm that great, you know? I just think that's how everyone should be, and I don't understand people who think the right thing is to make others suffer.”

**“That** already makes you better. Accept that, Crystal. You are good. You should really start seeing your good points.”

“I... I don't know Varric. I can't see it that way. But I will try.”

“Good. So, are you feeling better?”

“As better as I could be. At least I'm not unconscious anymore.” He sighs.

“I see your hand is back to normal too.”

“About that. Cassandra said it flared when I passed out. It's so weird.”

“That shit  **is** weird, as useful as it might be. It always flares when you are unconscious, though.”

“Always?”

“Yes. Every time. Chuckles says it tries to stabilize your body. It's good, you know? At least  **something** works on you.”

“Yeah...” I look at my hand. I wonder why you act different than you should. Could it be part of my punishment?

“It really must have been put there by the Maker, you know?”

“Pff... I  **really** don't think so, Varric.”

“Why? That thing protects you when every other kind of power can't do anything.”

“Whatever put it there could have any source of power, it doesn't have to be the Maker. The world is huge and full of unknowns.”

“Well, whatever it is that put it there, I'm glad it did.” I chuckle.

“Thanks, Varric. I'm glad too.” I... think.

I finish eating and he takes the bowl.

“I'll tell Chuckles you are awake so he can come check on you.”

“Is it really necessary?”

“Well, he looked after you everytime you were out, and I'm sure he will want to know you are better.” I sigh. I'm not sure I can look at him after all this mess.

“He is probably sick of me, Varric.” He laughs and I look at him confused.

“You tell yourself that, Crystal. See you later.”

“Er... see you, Varric.” He leaves. What the hell is that supposed to mean?


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)

Thinking about having to face Solas after such an embarrassing situation makes my anxiety spike and I lay down, trying not to panic. I really can't afford passing out again. They would probably think I'm dying if I do. Calm down, breathe, focus. It's been a while since I thought about these words. I try to concentrate on them and manage to calm down after some minutes.

It’s really boring to stay in bed doing nothing and I'm not even sleepy, so I decide to get up and get a book to read, but as soon as I sit up everything spins and my head feels heavy. I take a deep breath and force myself up after things stop spinning. My legs are very weak, my arms are shaking, but I manage to get to the bookshelf using the furniture for support. I almost trip between the bed and the table and then to the bookshelf but I get the book. The problem now would be getting back to bed with only one hand available.

It is then, when I'm looking at the place and trying to come up with a plan, that I feel Solas' energy. My stomach drops right then. Shit. I'm really embarrassed. I really didn't want to see him so soon. I sigh when he knocks on the door.

“Come in, Solas.” I say before he is able to say anything, weakly, still standing at the same spot as if frozen. Both for not having the strength to leave and because of the anxiety.

“How did you...” He stops when seeing me and frowns, and he sounds annoyed when he says the next words. “What are you doing up?”

“I wanted to get a book.” I manage to say. Why is he annoyed? He sighs.

“You are too weak, you should not leave your bed.”

“It's not like I could command the book to come to me.” Wait, could I? “I was really bored, you know?”

“What if you fell and injured yourself?”

“Wouldn't have been the first time. Why are you so annoyed by the way?”

“You... are the only person who could close those rifts.”

“Yes, I know. And?”

“And? Grace, there is too much at stake for you to risk being injured.”

“Solas, you know I can't die. Surely that is not why you are so... mad.”

“You cannot die but you  **can** be unconscious!” I'm shocked by his sudden outburst. “You cannot be so irresponsible!”

“I...” Can't close rifts if I'm unconscious... “You're right. I'm sorry. It's just... I really hate being idle. And I didn't think anything would happen, it's just a few steps from the bed to here.” He sighs.

“How did you know it was me at your door?”

“I felt you, I mean, your energy or whatever it is. I always know when you're close. Except in the Fade. I never feel you there, for some reason.” I move my eyes from the book in my hands to him and see he looks... surprised? And then he frowns.

“Why are you standing there? And... holding the bookshelf?”

“I... don't think I can make it back to the bed with the book.” His eyes go wide and then he shakes his head with a frown. He comes to me then and supports my elbow. I let him help me back to bed and just by sitting down I feel much better. I move the covers and the pillow, that I don't use but I still keep so I can hug them sometimes, to support my back and then I recline on them. I set the book on my thighs and then I look at Solas. He is sitting on a chair. He looks so serious.

“I'm really sorry, Solas.” Please don't be mad at me!

“You already apologized.”

“No, I mean...” I sigh. “I keep being a burden to you, and you keep finding me in such embarrassing situations. To be honest, I didn't even want to talk to you right now, but Varric insisted on telling you I was awake.”

“You did not want to talk to me? I can leav-” I interrupt him.

“No!” Shit, I shouted again. I look at the floor. “Er... what's the point now? You're already here, I'm already talking to you.” I sigh. “Sorry... words are getting the best of me. The thing is I was too embarrassed to look at you, hell, I still am.”

“Embarrassed? Why?”

“Why?” I laugh bitterly. “Are you serious?” I look at him and he looks... normal... I guess... So he is serious, I take it. “Unconscious, leaking blood from an unmentionable place is  **not** how I expected you to see me. Definitely not.”

“Oh. I see. Do not worry about it.”

“How... How can I not worry about it?!” I hold my hair and try not to scream at how terribly uncomfortable I feel.

“Grace, I was only trying to tend to your health. As useless as it might have been. Do not worry, I do not think anything of your state.” I sigh. “It is, after all, a normal occurrence to females.”

“Not one that should be shared with men.”

“I understand your reservations, but there is no need to be embarrassed by it to this extent.”

“Easier said than done.” I sigh.

“Are you in pain? I can make you more tea.”

“I feel sore, and weak. But I don't think the tea is necessary. Thank you, though. And... thank you, for taking care of me once again.”

“You are welcome.” He stands up. “I will let you rest. Do not decide to go wandering around again.”

“I don't think I could anyway, my body is really weak now.” Guess the food is making my body relax.

“Rest.” He says once again with a firm tone once he reaches the door.

“Thank you, Solas. I will.” He nods and leaves.

I can't help thinking how much of a nuisance I am to him. Such an unreliable Herald. And for him to scold me like that I'm even more sure he thinks me a child. I sigh. I bet he wished his mark was on any other person's hand. His anchor. I wonder why it protects me. In any case, I wish he could at least see me as a person and not as a tool, as the bearer of his anchor. I sigh. That's asking too much, isn't it? I am, after all, useless and void without it. I sigh. I promised Varric I would try to stop this self-loathing. I take a deep breath and try to focus on my reading.

 

Hours pass and I can make some progress. The letters I can't recognize end up being ignored as I can at least make sense of the words and sentences. I still have much to train before I can properly read, but progress is progress. Being able to understand most of it already is enough to make me happy at the accomplishment. Guess I do learn fast, I mean, I know I do, always did. Why can't I admire that in myself as I would in someone else? Why do I ask so much of myself? It hits me, then: my mother. Everything good I did was always something expected of me. ‘It's nothing more than your obligation,’ she would say. That must be it, then. The reason I can't see it as something I should be proud of, that I should be happy and admire in myself. How can I change this? How can I learn to love being something I was always told it was just what I was supposed to be? I guess I would have to start analyzing the way I feel about other people and compare why it matters when it's them but not when it's me. I sigh and close the book. I can see it's already night outside. Solas told me not to get out of bed, but... I sigh. I'll wait some more.

Turns out I didn't have to wait much. Few minutes later someone knocks on the door.

“Hey Crystal, can I come in?”

“Sure, Varric.” He comes in with food. Yay!

“Thought you would be hungry, it's almost around the time you usually show up in the tavern.”

“Heh, thank you, Varric. You thought right.” I take the bowl from him and notice my hands are still shaking. Shit.

“How was the talk with Chuckles?” He raises an eyebrow and I sigh.

“You mean the scolding?”

“Scolding? Why?”

“He came in while I was trying to get a book and he was really mad.”

“Well, weak as you are you could have injured yourself.”

“That's what he said. Anyway, you didn't need to tell him to come here.”

“I had to. He was worried, just as we all were.”

“'We' who? Who else knows about this shitshow?”

“The Nightingale, Curly and Ruffles.”

“Well, I guess they do need to know. You never told me how you found out about it, though.”

“Well, when the Seeker went looking for Adan and Chuckles I was nearby. I helped find Chuckles.”

“Oh, I see. You didn't see me in that sorry state, did you?”

“No, don't worry. I didn't want to get in their way.” I sigh relieved. “I only got Chuckles and then got updates on your health.”

“At this rate, next awful incident Solas will see me in will be missing a limb or something.”

“Andraste’s flaming knickers, Crystal?! How can you even joke about something like that?”

“Seriously, he has seen me in all sorry states I can think of, there is only one way it could get worse.”

“You are grim but that is too much.” I sigh.

“I hope it doesn't come to that, you know?” I don't want to lose anything, and maybe the way the mark behaves it won't try to kill me and leave me without an arm.

“You shouldn't even think about such things.”

“Sorry, it's just...” I sigh. “I hope things could be nice to me for a change, but it's not like how it's been so far, you know?” He gives me a sympathetic look.

“This time you will have time to prepare.”

“I hope so. Cassandra was already talking about a meeting, I'm afraid it will be to tell me I must leave soon.”

“There is no way you can leave in such conditions. Even the Seeker must see that.” I sigh.

“The world can't wait for me, Varric.” He frowns and then sighs.

“It’s a mess out there, alright, but you can't fix it if you can barely stand.”

“That's true, but it won't depend on me to decide.”

“Chuckles won't agree to this. The Seeker will listen to him.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“You bet I am.” He smiles and I can't help smiling too.

“You see, Varric, I'm glad I met you.” I say after some minutes of eating in silence.

“What are you saying, Crystal? Don't talk like you're dying!” I chuckle.

“Just saying the truth. You make my life here much better.” And my filter tends to disappear when I'm sick... Really, the things that I usually wouldn't say? If I'm sick there is a ninety percent chance that I  **will** say them.

“Well, happy to help!” We laugh. I finish eating and he takes the bowl.

“Have a good night, Crystal. Hope you'll be feeling better tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Varric. Good night.” I smile and he leaves.

I wait some minutes in hope that I will feel better but I don't improve much. I can only pray to whatever deity would listen that I can make it to the chamberpot and then to the basin without any incident. Well, someone must have listened because even though I was extremely dizzy and weak I could make it there using the furniture for support. I really hate going through this. Disgusting. I don't think I will  **ever** get used to this.

It's not any less difficult but I make it to the bed after going through my routine, allowing myself to just fall down, careful enough still so I wouldn't hurt myself. I guess I'm still too weak; I don't go to the Fade, and god, I miss my beach and the company of the spirits.

I wake up a little better and do my morning routine, as annoyed as always for having to deal with period. I so fucking hate this shit! I go back to bed while I try to decide what to do. Am I strong enough to wander the village? Hmm... I don't think so... I decide to pile the covers and pillow and recline to read again. Or, as it is, try to read. I start feeling sleepy and I decide to take a nap. No Fade yet again and I wake up to see Solas sitting on the chair reading a book. Why is he here? I can't help taking the chance to admire him, though. God, he is so composed and handsome. My heart starts beating faster and I feel all air escape me when he looks at me from over the book.

“Good afternoon.” He says calmly as he places the book on the table and closes it. “Are you feeling better?”

“I... er... I guess. Better than yesterday.” I try to sit up and everything spins. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I try to fix my hair, then.

“Still weak, I see. Do you feel any pain?”

“Pain?” I concentrate on my body and I am still very sore everywhere. I sigh. “Well, it's not strong, it's better than yesterday. I'm mainly sore.”

“Want some tea?”

“Oh I would love some tea, but there is no need to get me the one for pain, though.” I realize I may sound like I'm asking him to make me another kind. “Or any, for that matter. I'm not asking you to get me anything. I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of the situation. Actually, I don't want to bother you.” He sighs and I freeze. Shit, I'm annoying him. “Sorry, I'm talking too much again.”

“Grace, why do you become like that?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“You say you trust me but I seem to make you uncomfortable.”

“I... er... I trust you but I... it's not really that you make me uncomfortable, you don't, at all.” You actually make me feel pretty good. “I just...” I sigh and then just start talking fast so I don't have time to regret before finishing. “I suck at socializing and I'm self-conscious around you because I want you to like me. To be my friend. There, I said it.” I look at him and he is... surprised? He chuckles and I relax a bit.

“You worry too much.” He stands up. “I will bring you some food. You need to recover your strength.”

“I don't want to trouble you.”

“It is no trouble. There are some things I want to discuss with you and we can do so while you eat.”

“Well, in that case, alright then. Thank you.” He nods and leaves. I sigh. Shit, shit, shit! I must be such a ridiculous person to him! I sigh. Stop the self-loathing.

How long was he here for? I take a deep breath and try not to become anxious. I wonder what he wants to talk about. Training maybe?


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)

I take the chance that I'm alone to check on my state. My hair thankfully wasn't a mess, but my face is still awful because I'm too weak. I lock the door so I can go about my business and clean up. I'm not feeling as dizzy as yesterday so I manage to go around without many issues. It's not much longer after I'm done and sitting on the bed that I feel Solas’ energy. He knocks and I tell him to come inside. He comes to me and gives me a bowl of cream and we talk while I eat.

“Thank you, Solas. What do you want to talk about?” He sits on the chair and looks at me.

“It is about your magic training.” I thought so. “Because you will also be having riding lessons you will not have as much time to train.”

“Oh, right. I completely forgot about the riding lessons.”

“Cassandra will be teaching you and she came to me in hope of setting a schedule for you.”

“And have you decided?”

“She believes it is best that you learn riding in the morning so it would not be stressful for the horse, so we should have your lessons after lunch.”

“I guess that's good.” Why do I get the feeling there is more?

“There is also the matter of your health.” He says after some minutes. I look at him attentively. “The mark on your hand reacts to you in a way that I have not anticipated. It seems to help you and protect you.”

“Yes, I also think it’s weird. I wonder why it does that.”

“I am trying to find more information in the Fade, the tests I have run have not produced any answers. What intrigues me the most is that any other source of magic cannot help you, but the mark can.”

“Perhaps only the kind of magic that created this thing can affect me then? Do you know what could have created it?”

“I can only say that it is some sort of ancient magic.” Yeah that I know... “But you may be correct, perhaps some other kind of ancient magic could help you. I will research that.”

“I hope you can find something. Say, Solas, I was thinking after you left yesterday, could I have made the book come to me?”

“Yes, you could.” He tilts his head. “Do you think you are well enough to try to learn how?”

“I'm... not sure. Is it exhausting?” He chuckles.

“Hardly. But if you are too weak you may not be able to concentrate. You already have enough difficulty in focusing when you are well.”

“Is that a challenge, Solas?” I smirk and he raises his eyebrows.

“It was not, but if it would give you the incentive...” He smiles. Maaan... I shake my head with a laugh.

“I take it as a challenge, just let me finish this and I'll get things flying around!” I laugh and he shakes his head with a smile.

“There is one more thing I need to talk to you about.” He says after a while and I look at him expectantly and he continues. “I have been searching the Fade and I came across some artifacts that could help strengthen the Veil when activated.” Oh, those things that I bet he used to put the Veil up in the first place, if that mural in Trespasser is what I think it is.

“Artifacts?”

“They are elvhen constructs used to strengthen the Veil in areas where it was thin. If we come across any I believe it would be best for us to activate them.”

“Sure. Elves and their many achievements.” I say to myself. “I suppose that is something that happens when one lives indefinitely.”

“Among other things.” He sounds... pained? Guess it reminded him of the wars among his people.

“So, Solas, how can I recognize those artifacts if we come across them?”

“I should be able to sense them, and I will let you know.”

“Oh, alright.” I finish eating after some more minutes and say. “So, how can I make things come to me?” I lift an eyebrow.

He takes the bowl from me and places it on the table. After scanning the place he picks up the brush on the vanity and places it on the table facing me.

“Channel the Fade, then use the energy as an extension of your body to pick up the brush.” He says calmly, as if it was the simplest thing ever.

“Hmm. Is it any similar to what I do with the staff?”

“Partially. But since you can control the energy to cause damage this should be even simpler. However, you will need to use the energy to grip,  _ tha _ t might give you some problems if you don't focus enough.”

“Right, me and my terrible focus.” I smirk and he raises an eyebrow. “Let's see.”

I close my eyes because it helps me focus, I tap into the Fade and fill myself with its energy, it always feels so good. I wonder if the Fade was free from the Veil if I would always feel like this. Use the energy as an extension of my body... I take a deep breath and try to manipulate the energy, thinking about it as a tendril that reaches ahead of me. I think about the brush, my target, and try to get that tendril to move towards it. I open my eyes and I can feel the energy fade a little. Stupid focus... focus Grace, focus. I take a deep breath and focus my sight on the brush. I feel the warmth of the Fade energy moving from me towards the brush on the table and I can feel the moment it touches it. The brush moves and I'm surprised that it worked, although that surprise makes me lose focus and I have to take yet another deep breath to concentrate.

I manage to get the energy to envelop the brush and I can see it flying a few centimeters above the table. Nice, keep it up. At that moment there is only me, the energy and the brush, even Solas' presence is weak. I guess my focus was never so strong. I retract the tendril so the brush can come over to me and I open my hand to grab it. I smile at my accomplishment and look at solas who has a smile on his face. Oh... that smile...

“Well done. It looks like you were indeed strong enough to do that much.”

“I can do much when I'm challenged, Solas.”

“Is that pride I see?” I laugh.

“I guess I can't avoid being proud sometimes.”

“I suppose you don't hate yourself so much as you believe, after all.” He gives me a small smile.

“I... guess you might be right.” I smile at his smile.

“Can you get the brush back on the vanity?” He tilts his head.

“Is that another challenge, Solas?” I chuckle.

“If that will give you the incentive...”

“You're a tease, you know that?” I shake my head and try to concentrate on the energy from the Fade and get the brush on the vanity. I manage it more easily. I guess the more I do this the more natural it should feel. Practice makes perfect... guess that should be how I ‘level up’ my spells.

“Well done.” He looks at me... is he analyzing me? “Do you feel more tired after doing these?”

“I... no. Not at all.”

“You said you don't feel strain on your body when you cast but at first I thought it would be just your inability to notice,” I'm a lesser being, right? “but I am starting to believe that you really do not feel the strain as most would. Even with your connection to the Fade being so strong.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you might not need to use the staff for simple spells.” Are you serious? I  **knew** that shit was counterproductive! “And that you might be able to use more complex spells easier. The Fade spell I plan on teaching you will also be easier for you to cast.”

“That is great news! If I could get out of this bed I would insist that you teach it to me right now!” I laugh at his surprised face and he shakes his head with a smile. Am I being able to make him smile often? Am I? Oh god... I hope I am.. I want to see you happy, Solas.

“You do like learning, do you not?”

“You have  **no** idea! I  **love** learning! Learning is what makes me move! If there is nothing to learn life is boring, Solas; life is... sad.” I remember the years at school where I was not learning anything... worst years of my life in school. “I wish I could live forever just so I could learn everything there is to learn.”

“You... wish you could live forever? You are immortal, you can do it.”

“I... don't know, Solas. I know I can't die. Like, I can't be killed. But I was told that my time would end eventually, and that I would meet that person again.” He frowns.

“So you might die someday?”

“I guess? They said that they hoped it would not be anytime soon that they would see me again. I believe my time will end when I prove to them, whoever they are, that I redeemed myself. This life I have now, it is a punishment.” He tilts his head with a frown.

“And how are you supposed to redeem yourself?”

“They said I had to learn to live, to learn to love living it seems. Because you know, I tried to kill myself, I didn't value my life.”

“Does it mean you will die after you become happy with your life? That is... wrong.” I chuckle.

“Well, I shouldn't even be here, you know? If they hadn't given me this second chance I don't even want to know what would have happened to me. As hard as this life is, it’s better than my other option was. They said I could find happiness here, as long as I worked for it. I already have more than I had before, even in this shitty situation I'm in,” I move my hands towards my body and chuckle, “I have friends now.” His eyes go wide.

“You did not have friends before?” I laugh bitterly.

“Solas, I had  **nothing** before. My life was a lie. Every day I wished I was something else, someone else. That I could just be taken away from that life. That it would end. One day I decided to end it. Except it didn't end. It... changed.”

“I honestly do not know what to make of this.”

“Well,” I sigh, “I don't know either. You see, my health is crap, I can't be healed by anything, my body is in constant pain, but now I have things that makes it worth living for. I have people that makes it worth living for.”

“You like this new life?”

“Heh, it’s painful, it’s messy, but I do.” I give him a big smile. I have you here with me, how can I not like it?

“I will research ancient magics,” he says after a minute, “see if I can make your life easier.” He stands up. “Try to get some more rest.”

“Thank you, Solas. For being so good to me.”

“There is no need to thank me for it. Rest, Grace. If you are better tomorrow we can start your lessons.” I nod and he leaves.

I lay back and sigh. I do like this new life, huh? As shitty as it is, I have friends now. I realize the book I was reading was no longer on the bed. I look at the table and see that it was the book Solas was reading when I woke up. Did he take it from me while I was asleep? I tap into the Fade and try to get the book over to me. It works smoothly. Nice. I try to read some more until I start feeling sleepy again and I close my eyes, not going to the Fade.

 

Someone is calling my name and I wake up. It's Varric, beside the bed. I'm really sleepy but I greet him.

“Hey, Varric. What's up?”

“Sorry to wake you up, Crystal. I brought you food, you should eat. They say you shouldn't skip dinner.”

“Skip? Did I sleep that long? What time is it?”

“Well, let's say I was already going to bed, so pretty late.”

“Oh. I guess my body is really tired.” I take a deep breath and sit up, nothing spins at least. “Alright, I'll eat. Will you stay to keep me company or are you going to sleep? By the way, why are you the one bringing me food? I shouldn't give you any trouble.”

“No trouble, and I can wait a few minutes before heading to bed, don't worry.”

“Well, I appreciate it.”

“You know, without you in the tavern people don't leave me alone.” I almost choke.

“Are you saying you don't like your fans, Varric?”

“What? No! But you see, there is so much I can indulge them with. And if they have me there all the time they don't read my books, they get their information from me.”

“Well, I can't leave my bed until they say I can. Otherwise I would save you from them.”

“I hope you get better soon. Not only for my sake, of course.”

“Of course.” I laugh.

“You know what I heard?”

“What?”

“Curly is very worried about you.”

“Bet they all are, Varric. I'm the only one who can close rifts and I'm on bedrest instead of preparing.”

“Sure, but he seems to be  **really** worried, you know?” I raise an eyebrow at him.

**“Really** ? Again? Varric, he doesn't think about me the way you want him to.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I barely talked to the man, and I'm strictly about business when I talk to him.”

“People can love others even though they don't flirt, you know?”

“Say what?  **Love** ? Varric... are you alright? I think you do need some sleep, my friend. You're starting to hallucinate.”

“Fine. Guess you really are not one of his fans.” He sighs defeated.

“Wait, were you poking me for an excited reaction?” He nods. “Varric! I told you already, I have no interest in the Commander!”

“Yeah, I'm sure of that now. Any other woman would have been brightly excited to hear those words.”

“You will have to write it out of imagination, there is nothing romantic in my life for you to get inspiration from.”

“Well, there is still Chuckles.” He smirks.

**“That** ... is unrequited.”

“So you finally admit it?”

“What's the point in continuing to avoid it? You are already sure about it, right?”

“I was almost sure.” He smiles.

“Well, now you have your answer. Write about an unrequited love story then. That's all you are going to get.”

“There might still be more ahead, you know. People change.”

“Don't give me hope only to have it broken, Varric. I know it will never work between me and him.”

“Why are you so sure about it? Have you asked him?”

“No, and I won't. There is no need to. I just... know.” He sighs.

“You don't need to think everything will go wrong in your life, you know.”

“It's more than that, Varric. But don't worry about it.”

“I can only hope to have it proven to you that you are wrong.”

“Heh, I would be the happiest person if that ever happens, believe me.” I laugh bitterly.

I finish eating and he takes the bowl.

“Have a good night, Crystal. I hope you are better tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Varric. Good night.” I smile at him and he leaves. I stretch and my back and shoulder do a ‘clack’ and a ‘pop’ noises but all is fine, I think. I get up to go through my routine and get back to bed after drinking a bit of water.

I don't see the Fade, again.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 12.05.2018 - updated version.)

I wake up to one of the Chantry's bells. I look outside and there is some light. My body doesn't hurt much but I feel weak, not sure if I'm better than yesterday. I don't want to stay in bed all day again, though. I get up, my vision blurs and it takes me a while to walk. I close the door and go through my routine. Checking myself at the mirror I notice that I got a lot more white hairs than before. That makes me smile. I wish it would go completely white already. The dark circles under my eyes are still there though, strong as ever; and that is something I don’t like. Being as pale as I am it only makes them more obvious. I take a deep breath. Should I try going outside?

I sit on the ground and pull my knees close to my chest, reclining my head on the bed behind me. What should I do? If I stay here I can't do much but read.. well.. guess I can train moving things with magic... I decide to get things flying around then, one at a time; then I try moving more than one at the same time. When someone knocks on the door I had three books flying near me, I almost let them fall but I could get them back before they hit the floor. I place them on the table and stand up, walking towards the door to greet whoever it is.

“Are you awake, Grace?” Cassandra says before I can open it.

“Good morning, Cassandra.” I tell her after opening the door.

“Oh, I'm glad to see you are better.”

“Yes, not as much as I would like, though. Want to come in?”

“I... guess it is better.” I make room for her to enter and then I close the door. She sits on the chair and I sit on the other one.

“Did you come to check on me?”

“That is one of the reasons, yes. Has Solas told you about your lessons yet?”

“He did.”

“Do you think you are recovered enough to start your training today?”

“I'm... not sure. Will it be exhausting? I'm sure I can't handle anything exhausting.”

“It...” she sighs, “it could be exhausting, yes. But maybe we can get you acquainted with the horse, at least?”

“I think that is possible.” I chuckle and she smiles. “Any news from the Mothers?” I ask her after I put on the boots.

“None. The good thing is that it gives you time to recover, but it makes me anxious.”

“You and me both.” I fix the hair behind my ears.

“I talked to Josephine and Leliana about those ingredients, they are still waiting on answer from their contacts.” She says after we start walking. “And Josephine says the scholars she contacted should be arriving in Haven soon. Maybe they will be able to help you.”

“We'll see. Solas suspects only ancient magic may be effective on me.”

“That... is unheard of.”

“Heh, wouldn't be the first time something unique happened to me.”

“That is true.”

 

We get to the stables and I become uneasy when I see the horses. They are beautiful creatures but their size and my weakness are things that wouldn't work together. Cassandra approaches one and puts the reign on it, pulling it with her some ways down the road towards the lake where it is calmer. I follow, keeping my distance. Even though I rode the horse with her, I have to say that my mind wasn't really aware of what I was doing back then. I was too weak and in too much pain to pay attention. Now that I was feeling better, I was really afraid of getting near the animal.

“Come here, Grace. She won't harm you.” I look to both of them, unsure those words were true. “She can feel your fear, calm down.”

“Easier said than done.” I take a deep breath and get closer. She is a really pretty animal, very furry and I like them when they are furry, but she is so damn big.

“Place your hand on her shoulder, right here.” I'm unsure and it takes me a few seconds to comply. The horse seems completely indifferent. Could be worse I guess. Cassandra rubs her neck. “Rub her slowly.” I look into the horse's eye. Big mistake. Those big black eyes scare me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I rub the area around her shoulder. “She won't harm you, Grace. Relax.”

“She's so big, Cassandra.”

“She is big but she is docile. Don't worry. Here, feel her mane.”

“Are you sure she won't be mad at me?”

“Yes.” I sigh and run my finger through the hair. Rough but nice to the touch at the same time. “Tomorrow I should teach you how to brush her, it will help you two bond faster. She'll see that you care about her.”

“Er... well, I guess. If it's safe, sure.”

“It is safe.”

We stay there for some minutes: Cassandra trying to reassure me I wouldn't be attacked by the horse and me trying not to panic. She then goes to explain to me how the saddle and the reigns work. They seem quite complicated at first, I think I will need help with that for a while. After she is done explaining she says that we should stop for today and sends me off to eat something.

 

On my way to the tavern I meet with Cullen. He looks surprised to see me.

“Good morning, Herald. How are you feeling?”

“Good morning, Commander. I'm feeling a little better, thank you.”

“That's great to hear. You got us all worried.”

“Heh, yeah, Varric told me. Well, I was worried too, you know? Things got pretty bad.”

“I can't even imagine.” He sighs. “But I'm glad to see you are better. Josephine's contacts say the scholars should be here soon, so hopefully they will be able to help you with your health.”

“Yeah, Cassandra told me. I hope they can, but honestly? I don't really think they will come up with anything I don't already know.”

“I hope you're wrong. Oh, I should let you know that some tunnels were indeed found already. We are looking into getting supplies to explore them.”

“That's great news! I hope we can have them cleared and safe for travel soon.”

“Soon? Maker, I hope we don't need them any time soon.”

“Heh, yeah, so do I. But the sooner the better, right? Can't be too careful.”

“That is true. Anyway, is there something I can help you with?”

“No, I was just going to get something to eat. Do  _ you _ need something from me, Commander?”

“No, no. Not yet, anyway. And I hope we don't have to force you out like last time, we saw clearly what it does to you to not have enough time to recover.”

“Heh... yeah.” I smile embarrassed. “I'm... a complicated case.”

“Well, duty calls. Take care, Herald.”

“You as well, Commander.” I see him walking down the street and I can't even imagine what Varric could have possibly seen that would give him the idea that Cullen would be interested in me. He is so professional when talking to me. I shake my head. Varric's imagination goes too far I guess.

I make my way to the tavern and find Varric inside. He gives me a big smile when he sees me. I guess Cullen is not the only one surprised to see me out of the bed. I get some food and sit at my table. It’s not long until the dwarf comes sit with me.

“Crystal! So good to see you here!”

“Haha, good to see you too, Varric. Being out of that cabin is good, you know?”

“Yeah, I don't think I could stand it. I'm too used to being around people.”

“Now that is something I don't miss much. I don't feel comfortable in crowds, you see.”

“I can see that, I suppose any party above four is too much for you, uh?”

“You bet!” I laugh. “At first it was hard for me to come here, even if I don't talk to them, seeing all these people around makes me feel ill.”

“Good thing they are intimidated to come talk to you then.” He smiles. “Imagine if they circled you the way they circle me.”

“I would definitely faint!” He laughs and shakes his head.

“Let's not have it happen, then. So, how's your day so far? Just got out of bed?”

“Nah... I was at the stables with Cassandra.” He raises two eyebrows. “She was trying to make me friends with the horse.”

“And how did that go?”

“Well, I'm afraid of horses, you know; she explained some things to me, made me pet it, but I still feel very uncomfortable. And I'm really afraid of riding it. I'm not even sure I can get up on it. Every time I was on a horse Cassandra put me there.”

“Yeah, I remember that. You can be quite clumsy.”

“Heh, yeah. I definitely can.”

“Do you play any games?” He says after drinking from his mug.

“I used to play chess. But it's been many years since I last played.”

“Chess? Hmm. What about Wicked Grace?” I shake my head. “Not a gambling person?”

“Not really.”

“That's too bad. I was thinking about getting you to play some next time we are on the road, you know. It can be pretty boring from here to Val Royeaux.”

“Sorry, Varric. I'm not really a card game kind of person. But if you come up with some other form of entertainment I might be inclined to indulge you.”

“I will think of something.”

“Just don't make me embarrassed in front of the others, deal?”

“There goes my fun.” He smirks and I squint my eyes and shake my head.

“Don't be mean, Varric.”

“Oh I'm just teasing.”

I finish eating, with some difficulty. It's been a while now that my shoulder was bothering me. I thought it was nothing because, you know, I'm always in pain, but it’s only getting worse.

“Hey, Varric; do me a favor, can you tell if my shoulders are at the same level?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“Just... look at them and tell me, will you?”

“Alright.” He sits back and looks at my shoulders, by the look on his face I think I know what he is going to say. “Well, your right shoulder seems to be lower.”

“Yeah... I thought so.” I put my left hand on my shoulder and try to pop the bone back in place while moving my right arm. It makes a loud noise and the pain fades immediately, leaving me just a little sore.

“Did it just... come out of place by itself? And you just... put it back?”

“That's exactly what happened.”

“I remember you saying that your bones tried to come out of their places but I thought you were joking.”

“Didn't I tell you that I don't joke, Varric?”

“Well... guess I really have to accept that. Does it hurt?”

“Before I fixed it, yes. Now, no.”

“You got me without words again, Crystal.” I laugh.

“Well, I better get going then. I wonder if Solas will teach me some magic today, or if maybe I'm still too weak to learn something. Do you know where he is?”

“Sorry, haven't seen him.”

“Well, I'll see what I'll do. See you, Varric.”

“Take care, Crystal. Try not to get anything else out of place.” I laugh and leave the tavern.

Where should I go? Hmm.. I guess as long as the spell isn't exhausting I should be fine.. I'll check his cabin.

I make my way to his place and don't feel him inside. I sigh. I have no idea where he could be and I definitely don't have the energy to look around. I decide to go sit at the pier.

It's nice the way it is always empty, I can just enjoy the nature around me and feel the breeze caressing my skin. I stay there for some long minutes until I feel Solas' presence near me. I look around and see him approaching from the road that leads to the woods. I nod at him in a greeting and recline back on my arms, looking at the sky.

“Are you well enough to be out here?”

“Well, as long as I don't do anything exhausting I suppose I'll be fine. Sitting here is much better than sitting on my bed.”

“I saw you with the horse in the morning. How was it?” I look at him and he has a... amused expression? I suppose he knows exactly how that went.

“You remember I said I'm afraid of horses? So yeah... I'm still afraid of it.”

“They are tamed and docile, they will not harm you unless you do something against them.”

“Fear is something irrational, Solas. They are big and strong, I might be tall but I'm very fragile.”

“That you are.” I squint my eyes at him and shake my head with a smirk.

“Any tips for me to be less... intimidated by it?”

“I believe you will have to spend more time with it, to realize it is not as frightening as you believe it to be.”

“Well, guess you're right. Say, Solas; do you think I can learn that spell? Or any other? I want to learn something.”

“How is your reading? Are you able to read everything?”

“Oh, now that you mention, I do have some problems still with some letters. I can manage the sentences by the overall meaning of the words I recognize but there are some specific words that I'm not really sure are what I think they are.”

“Do you want to work on that now, since you are still weak for the spells I got for you?”

“Well, sure. If you don't mind, I'd be happy to.” I stand up slowly but even then things spin a little. I sigh. “I wonder when I'll recover. Can you teach me outside, though? I'm really tired of being locked up in a cabin.”

“Of course. Let us get a book and we can go somewhere outside.”

I follow him to his cabin so he can leave the herbs he collected in there, and he gets one of his books on magic. This one is more about theories than teachings but it would be enlightening and work for the purpose of teaching me to read.

We end up going to the garden I went that day. Thankfully it was empty. Someone seemed to have cleaned the place, though. There were still no flowers or other plants growing but at least it wasn't the mess it was when I first found it.

He tells me to read and I show him the letters I don't recognize whenever I find them and he explains them to me. We also discuss a lot about the things in the book. He tells me how the Fade feeds the magic and how lyrium works with it. We also tell each other our views on the Chantry and how the Circle is something that should never have existed.

After many hours sitting in conversation the sky darkens and I sigh, realizing how it has been so long since I last had a pleasant and extensive conversation with someone so intelligent and interested in discussing multiple points of view. Too bad there was only so much I could do as Herald and Inquisitor, because with him I'm pretty sure we could change the world for the mages, and of course, for the elves, not that we had discussed elves this time.

“I didn't even feel the time pass by.” I close the book.

“I must admit I did not expect you to be so interested in these topics, or to have such views on them.”

“Well, I must say that your opinion on me must be quite low.” I chuckle, teasing him, because I know exactly how low it actually is.

“I did not mean it as offense, it is just that most people are too lost in their own ways to care to think or view past their beliefs.” You should listen to your own words my dear wolf...

“Well, now you know that my beliefs and the way I think are completely different from the people you've met. And there is so much more you still don't know!” I smirk. “If there is one thing about me you should know is that I think a lot. About many things. Sometimes it’s a bad thing because it causes me to worry about things that I have no power to change, but it’s also a good thing because it gives me options to work with. And I'm always open for new perspectives, Solas. And oh I'm always willing to learn! So I'm afraid I might bug you to teach me much still.”

“If I can contribute to your learning, I will. You have shown yourself a good and caring person, I am sure whatever knowledge I could pass on to you would be used wisely.” My eyes go wide and he chuckles.

“I... thank you. I definitely didn't expect those words.”

“I might not think as lowly of you as you believe.” He laughs at my astounded expression. I'm pretty sure I have a “Wait... what?” expression on my face. But god... his laugh... Oh I love this man.

“That sure makes me happy, Solas.” I give him a bright smile. Wish I could hug him... I sigh and look at the sky. “I wonder if I'll be able to go to the Fade tonight. I miss my beach and the spirits.”

“If your body is recovered enough, you will.”

“I guess I'll find out in a few hours. I should go back to the cabin and get some things done.” I stand up and offer him the book, but he doesn't take it.

“Keep it. You can give it back after you finish reading it.” He stands up. “If you are feeling better tomorrow we can start you on the new spells.”

“Can't wait for it! See you, Solas.”

“Good night, Grace.”

We both go our own way, since the garden had roads leading to each of our places. After I arrive I set the book on the table and check on my situation. I drink a bit of water and sit on the chair, thinking about what I should do next. It’s still early for dinner, I'm not sleepy and I'm not really in the mood for more reading at the moment. I decide to train my Barrier to see if I can feed it more energy.

Turns out at the moment I can't. I should ask Solas if it’s actually possible to make it stronger. Since I can't work on the Barrier I decide to work on my levitation magic so I can get heavier things to lift. Turns out lifting the chair is extremely hard. It’s easy enough to lift four books, but one chair is complicated. I guess I am as weak with magic as with my body. I wonder if I can train it too. For tonight I will leave it as it is.

I spent so much time trying to work on my magic that I think I should go have dinner, and I make my way to the tavern.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace learns a new spell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 13.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Over 700 hits =o Thank you all for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy it <3

I enter the tavern and it’s full of people, as usual. Varric is surrounded by fans and I go straight to Flissa to get food, heading to my table afterwards. The dwarf joins me when I'm halfway through.

“Good evening, Crystal.”

“Good evening, Varric. Having fun?”

“Just won three rounds of Wicked Grace. Too bad you wouldn't join me.”

“Heh, yeah... I'm not getting in that, especially among those people who I got no idea who they are.”

“I could introduce you.”

“Nah... I pass. I'm not really sociable, you know. I like my circle of friends small. As you said, a party of four is more than enough. Anyway, I doubt I could even remember their names if you introduced them to me.”

“Well... no wonder you get along with Chuckles so well. Both of you seem to dislike people.”

“It's not that I dislike them, I just don't feel comfortable with people I don't know, and it's not really easy for me to feel inclined to meeting new people.”

“You sure will be the most unique protagonist I have ever written, Crystal.”

“So you decided what you're going to write about me?”

“For now I'll just tell what is happening. A lot of crazy shit.” He chuckles. “But don't think I forgot about  _ that _ other story. I just need more inspiration... and some facts would be nice too, but you don't make it easy!”

“There won't ever be facts for you, unless you decide to make me forever alone in your book. Because that is what is going to happen.”

“Not fun.” I shrug.

“Say Varric, who do you support? The mages or the Templars?”

“You really want to talk about that now?”

“Well, if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. I just wanted to know what you thought about the situation.”

“I think they both are wrong, and they both have their points. But I think the mages have it worse, you know? They aren't even treated as people in some places.”

“Yeah... I know.” I sigh. “This will be hard.”

“It always is. But we will make it work.”

“I like your optimism.”

“I try!” He chuckles.

“Well, I think I'm going to bed earlier tonight.” I finish eating. “Good night, Varric.”

“Good night, Crystal. Hope you're better tomorrow!”

“Thank you. So do I. Can't wait to learn new spells!” I smile and he laughs.

I make my way to the cabin and go through my routine. I get under the covers wearing just the underclothes and hope to see the Fade; but it doesn't happen.

I open my eyes feeling disappointed, another empty dark night. I'm not used to not having any dreams, and it makes me feel sad. I have to focus hard on Kindness words ‘Think good things’ to not become depressed... it's  **not** easy. After so much time always hating myself and letting myself drown in sadness whenever something bad happened it's not easy to keep bad thoughts at bay, so I try to think about Solas instead. That is a thought that always comes with a smile to me.

After I prepare for the day I drink some water and make my way to the stables. Cassandra is not there yet. There’s no way I'm approaching the horse by myself. I decide to wait and I sit on a rock; standing is not something I do well.

Many minutes later and I see the Seeker leaving the gate. I greet her with a nod and she approaches.

“Good morning, Grace. Do you feel better today?”

“Good morning, Cassandra. Better, yes. Could be better still, though.”

“You seem a bit... down.”

“It's just... I haven't had dreams lately, I miss the Fade.”

“That is unusual for a mage, I think. Have you talked to Solas about it?”

“No, not yet. You think I should?”

“He understands the Fade better than anyone, he could give you an idea about why it is happening.”

“I guess you're right. I'll talk to him later.”

“Well, do you think you can try riding?” My eyes go wide and I shake my head many times, she seems shocked at my reaction. “You still fear her?”

“I...” I sigh. “I don't know if it's fear, I just... I think I don't trust her.”

“Well, let's go slow then. Come, let's get the brushes and I'll show you how to do it. It will get both of you closer.”

“We'll see.”

She shows me the brushes and also tells me to pet her like we did yesterday. However, I still feel very uncomfortable and by the time we're done I don't think I've made much progress. I wonder if I would feel the same with another kind of mount.

I make my way to the tavern to get some food but I don't see Varric. I eat alone and then go back to my cabin to check on my situation. I sit on the floor after I’m done and lay my head on the bed trying to relax a little, but my mind wouldn't stop thinking. Would I need Dennet to have other kinds of mounts? Which mounts could I have access to? Would all of them scare the hell out of me? If a hart is as scary as a bull I don't think I could ride one... Bull... I wonder exactly how scary is Iron Bull... Could he see through me and figure out I'm not really who I say I am? Well... it's not like I said much anyway... he won't have much to poke me with... will he?

 

I assume I'm feeling well enough to try learning a spell so I head towards Solas' cabin. I feel him inside and I knock. It doesn't take long for him to open and greet me.

“Good afternoon, Grace. How are you feeling?”

“I'm... better, but I'm annoyed.”

“Annoyed?”

“I miss the Fade, ever since I fainted that day I can't dream.” I sigh.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Actually, were you planning on teaching me a spell today?”

“Do you feel well enough to try?”

“I think so.”

“Very well, let us go to the lake then.” He grabs his staff and closes the door, placing the ward.

“In my life before I wouldn't mind staying inside...” I say as we walk , “but lately I feel better when I'm outside. Maybe because the weather is so different and there is so much nature here... I'm not sure. But being outside seems to make me more relaxed... well, as long as there isn't many people around, that is.”

“I noticed you don't like being around people.”

“I don't. Strangers make me uncomfortable, and crowds make me sick.”

“But you don't mind the crowd of wisps in the Fade.”

“They... are different. They aren't noisy. And it somehow feels like they complement myself.”

“And you miss their company.”

“Oh I do. But it's not only that. You see, even before I started dreaming in the Fade like I do now, I always had dreams. Always. And they could be crazy things, or terrifying things. Could be dreams that would give me intense feelings. But now, if I don't go to the Fade my nights are empty. They are dark and sad.”

“I understand how you feel.” He does, doesn't he? After all, he loves the Fade more than anything. “The reason you cannot reach the Fade these past days is your body being too weak. As you recover your energy you will return. Do not worry.”

“Can't it be like... nevermind.”

“Hm?” He tilts his head.

“I... I was going to ask you if you could force me to go there, but nevermind.” He chuckles.

“Do you miss them that much?”

“I do. It became like a second home to me. A home where all my feelings are free and I have no worries. Where I can just be myself. Where I'm completely free.”

“I could send you there, yes, but I would rather not do it. If your body is still recovering it needs time to do so. Forcing you into the Fade would apply stress to it. And you already have too much difficulty healing naturally and since nothing else works on you, you cannot deny it that time.” I sigh.

“You’re right. Can you tell me about one of your journeys in the Fade?”

He tells me about what happened in Ostagar while we cross the town's gate. I ask for another one and he tells me about the matchmaker spirit. Then we arrive at the training spot on the other side of the lake.

“Wait here a moment.” He says and walks towards the middle of the lake. I don't know what he does, but I feel a surge of energy coming from him. He then comes back and says: “Come. We're doing it on the lake. The ice is thick enough and we need a large area for this spell.”

“Are you sure it won't break? I can't swim, Solas.” His eyes go wide.

“Yes, I am sure. I should not be surprised at this point, and honestly, I start to worry about other things you might not know.”

“Eh... well... I think there is nothing else. I mean, it's not like my inability to fly should surprise anyone.” I chuckle and he shakes his head. “You already fixed my reading problem and my combat problem, and are still helping me with it. And I'm really thankful for it, Solas. Really. And Cassandra is trying to teach me to ride, I don't think it's working, though. I think swimming is the only thing that would need to be addressed eventually, although I don't think we will be doing any swimming or diving. God... I can't imagine fighting while swimming, it would be... amazingly terrifying!” He laughs and I look at him confused.

“Your thoughts wander easily. No wonder you have trouble focusing.”

“Well... I can't help it.” I fix my hair behind my ears.

“If you have the opportunity you should try to learn how to swim, for safety. One can never be too careful.”

“That is true.”

“Here.” He gives me the staff and I can feel the strength of the conduit. Stronger than my new one's. “Can you use it?” I try to connect to its conduit and I feel the tingling handshake, but it adds some pressure, as if the ‘hand’ was stronger than my own. I suppose this level of power is my limit at the moment. “Very good. You should see if the blacksmith has something new for you.”

“Not sure I could choose what is best for me yet, though.”

“I can help you with it, then. For now, let us start. Cast the Barrier on yourself, for safety.” I do so and he places a twig on the ground about five meters away from us. When did he pick it up? He comes back to stand beside me and continues. “Keep the staff in front of your body. Channel the Fade's energy through it and focus on the twig. What you want to do is bring down the energy you channel to smash the twig.” Veil Strike... nice.

“Right... let me see.” I look at the twig, feeling the energy from the Fade trying to channel through me but I redirect it to the staff, I feel such immense power in it, and thinking that I am able to control that power makes me feel warm, proud. I imagine a hard blanket made of energy and lift the staff in front of me, willing the energy to hit the twig when I bring down the staff. It all happens in a second, but when I hit the end of the staff on the ice there is a burst of energy in front of me smashing the twig in multiple pieces. My eyes go wide and my mouth opens by reflex. I really didn't expect it to work right at the first time. I can't take my eyes off the wooden pieces.

“To be able to cast it at first try... you improved greatly in such short time.” I look at him, still amazed at my accomplishment, only to find him with a surprised expression as well. He smiles and I give him a really bright smile. To see him smiling fills me with happiness. He looks at the twig and then looks back at me, expression normal again. “Do you feel tired?”

“I...” I focus on my body, trying to notice any difference, but can't feel anything other than what I was already feeling, “don't feel anything different from before.” He frowns. I wonder what is going through his mind. He walks towards the smashed twig and sets down another one and then he comes back.

“Do it again.” And I do it. Just like that, another Veil Strike without issues. And once again, I don't feel tired. “Impressive. Any fatigue?”

“No. I feel normal.” He looks at me as if analyzing me, looking inside me if that was possible.

“May I?” He lifts a hand in front of me. I got no idea what he means but sure, go ahead Solas. I nod. “Close your eyes.” I do and I feel his energy washing over me. I got no idea what he is doing. After a minute or so I feel his energy leave my body and I open my eyes to see his... frustrated? face. “I still cannot read your body.”

**“** _ Read _ my body?” I tilt my head.

“In order to find what ails you when you hurt or just now when I tried to check on your condition, I have to search your body with energy, read it. However, it does not work. Something in you blocks me out completely.”

“Hmm. I assume it’s not common?”

“It is not. Regardless, I will have to take your word for it when you say you do not feel any exhaustion from casting.”

“You think I'm lying?” I shouldn't be surprised he would doubt me, but still, it bothers me.

“Not lying, no. But that you might not be able to tell.” Right... count on the human to be unable to do anything.

“Solas, my body is a mess, and I've been through a lot of bad symptoms. So if something was wrong, I would know.”

“I... suppose you would. I apologize.” I sigh.

“It's fine. Should I do it once again? Make sure I can cast this? And that it wasn't beginner's luck?” I chuckle.

“I do not think it necessary, and I do not want to force your body. You are still weak, after all.”

“If you say I learned it, then sure. I believe you.” He looks at me with a weird face but then it disappears, replaced by his normal expression.

“I believe this is enough exercise for today. Come, let us see if the backsmith has a staff for you.” I give him his staff back and follow him.

“Hey Solas, I was thinking,” I say as we cross the lake, “can I make the Barrier stronger? I mean, I was practicing moving things with magic and I made progress, but it doesn't matter how much energy I try to pour into the Barrier it won't grow past what I have at the moment.”

“You will be able to make it stronger as you become stronger. Do not worry. But it is good that you are trying to work on it. Since its strength is limited you should instead practice building it back.”

“How can I do that without taking damage?”

“Without a sparring partner to properly train your focus, you can instead practice the time it takes for you to cast it. The faster you can build a full Barrier the better.”

“I see. I will do that.” We are almost at the other side of the lake when I remember, “Oh, one more thing.” He looks at me calmly. “How can I lift heavier objects? It seems my magic is as weak as my body.”

“Your magic is only limited by the amount of energy you can control. As you are able to channel more energy from the Fade you will be able to manage heavier objects.”

“Oh... so is it pointless for me to keep training it? Moving things?”

“Not at all. The more you practice it the easier it will be for you to control the magic flow around you, and it will help you channel more energy as well.”

“Oh, nice! I'll practice a lot then!” I want to be strong soon.

“Do not exhaust yourself.”

“Oh don't worry, I would never do that.”

 

We make it to the blacksmith and because she doesn't have good materials to work with she wouldn't be able to give me a stronger staff. Hopefully I can find something in the way to Val Royeaux. Solas goes off to the woods to search for herbs and I make my way back to my cabin to get my staff. I plan on practicing a lot throughout the rest of the day and if Solas says I should be used to wielding this thing, even though it’s not needed for weaker spells, then I'll practice with it.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Advisors, money and drawing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 13.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I'm happy to tell you all that she's finally rescuing the mages from Alexius. I was so excited to write this part and find out how she would react in that future. It will take a while until I post it (it's chapter 49) but I hope you enjoy it when I do <3

Taking the chance that I'm in my cabin I check my situation and drink some water. I pick up the staff and head towards the lake again; being it the most secluded place in Haven, I believe people would complain less about me practicing my magic. Considering the spells I will be training are weak ones I don't think I would risk straining my body.

I make it to the spot where I usually train with Solas and concentrate on the Barrier first. Trying to get it to build fast and as strong as I can from the start. Turns out no matter how much I try, I improve little on how strong it starts off. I suppose I would need to train it a lot more before I can cast a strong one. The good thing is that I am able to build it faster than before.

I decide it’s enough for a day and check around for things that I could try lifting so I can practice moving things. Things that are too small wouldn't help me but things that are too big would force myself. It takes me some minutes walking around to find an arm's length piece of wood. I try to lift it with my hands and it’s somewhat heavy. Not as heavy as the chair, though. It should work.

I concentrate on it and try to channel the Fade's energy to lift it. It isn't easy. It’s still easier to get those books flying all at once than this single piece out in the air. Solas said that I should channel more energy... let's see. I try to get more energy through the staff but I feel it’s a bit straining. I wonder if that is what he meant by becoming tired after casting. I manage to get the piece of wood flying and I move it around for some minutes, but then I start getting tired, so I stop. So I guess  **this** is what he meant. So yeah... channeling a lot of energy to lift heavy stuff  _ is _ tiring...

I look around and decide to enjoy the rest of the day feeling the nature around me. I sit on a rock and relax, observing the birds flying around and singing on the trees nearby. I can see the Commander moving about the training grounds. Stinky place... urgh... I look at Haven and it has its beauty, I must say. Too bad it’s going to burn. Wish I could draw this place... I need to get drawing materials. I wonder if the general shop has some... I stand up and make my way towards the shop.

 

The merchant looks at the staff on my hand and it seems to make him uneasy,  but he tries to keep composed. I ask if he has any drawing materials and he shows me some paper and a box with charcoal pencils. It would have been great, if I had money. All that time traveling through the Hinterlands and the people we fought, I didn't think to check for money. I ask him about underclothes and more socks and he gives me more. Good, one can never have enough of these. I ask him to keep the drawing supplies for me while I go get money. I wonder if Josephine can help me with this.

I go to her office and knock on the door. She answers from inside and asks me to come in. I open the door and see her behind her desk scribbling something; I assume it's some letter. I close the door behind me and approach her.

“Good afternoon, Josephine.”

“Good afternoon. What can I help you with, Herald?” She says with a smile.

“There are a few things I wish to discuss.” I fix my hair behind my ears. She motions for me to sit on the couch and I do so. “Cassandra told me the scholars are on their way here, do you have an estimate?”

“I believe they should be here by the end of the week. They are coming from the University of Orlais and it is quite far, you see.”

“Oh, and do you have any news on those supplies for Adan? To make that potion?”

“Oh I do, but unfortunately it's not good news. The people who could supply us with it are stuck with their own problems: rifts, bandits on the roads and they are also afraid because of the civil war.” I sigh, frustrated.

“I guess I shouldn't be surprised that things wouldn't make my life easier.”

“I will try to reach other parties, maybe get help in other places. But with rifts opening everywhere it does make it complicated.”

“I understand. There is another thing. You see, the servants that take care of my stuff, they are incredibly hard working people. I never see them, I don't really know why, but I was wondering if they are compensated accordingly.”

“Of course. We are strained financially but I make sure everyone is well compensated for their work. You do not need to worry.”

“That is good to hear. But say, the elves don't get less money than the humans, do they?” Her eyes go wide.

“Wha... of course not!”

“Good. They shouldn't be treated any differently just because they are elves.”

“I know many people have prejudice against them, but the Inquisition is not one of them.

“That's good. One last thing.”

“Yes?” She asks after I become silent, unsure of how to say this.

“Am I to receive any sort of payment for working with the Inquisition?”

“Oh! I am so sorry, Herald. It was to be discussed after you came back from the Hinterlands but because of your incident the other day we could not meet. Lady Cassandra informed us that you refused to search any enemies for money and would only take items that you could use, but she kept the money with me. Also, as a member of the Inquisition you do receive a payment for your work, and since your work is of utmost importance, you are to be compensated accordingly.”

“Oh. I see.” How much money should this be? She searches in a drawer and picks up a pouch, handing it to me. It is... quite... heavy.

“Here you are, the payment for your services provided until now plus your share from the travels to the Hinterland.”

“Thank you, Josephine.” I stand up. “Since I'm feeling better, should I know of any meetings?”

“For the moment, since I already told you everything that was to be discussed, no. But should anything happen I will let you know.”

“Alright. Have a good day.”

“You too, Herald.”

I make my way outside the Chantry and see Leliana in her tent. Should I go talk to her? It would be interesting to know what happened to the Hero of Ferelden. I gather my courage and try to smother the anxiety and make my way there.

“Good afternoon, Leliana.” She doesn't take her eyes from her notes, but greets back.

“Good afternoon, Herald. Is there anything I can help you with?”

“I... heard you traveled with the Hero of Ferelden...” She eyes me from the side... eerie. “I was wondering if you could tell me... how it was like?”

“She was a good friend, righteous. Travelling with her provided me with answers I needed back then.” Was? Is she dead then?

“Were you with her when she found the Temple of Sacred Ashes?”

“Yes. Quite the marvel, even in ruins. It was good to purge the place of those cultists.” God... she is harsh... er... Guess I'll wait until she's more friendly to ask more about the Warden.

“I suppose you are being of great help in the search of the tunnels, then?”

“That... it's good you brought it up.” She turns to me, lowering the notes on the desk. “That is a good idea you had. But why do you seem so worried about an attack when we barely started the Inquisition? It's not like we have enemies intending on attacking us.”

“I... er... just thought it would be good to be prepared, you know?”

“Is that so?”

“What else could it be?”

“I have been looking for information on you, and just like you said, I found nothing. That is too unusual, you see. For a person simply to not have ties anywhere.”

“Well, my family was not an important family, and since they are gone, I don't suppose there is anyone that could even know them, or me.”

“But you were still able to enter the inner halls of the Temple, with no skills. That would require some help.”

“I don't know anything about that, I can't remember what happened that day. I know I went to the Conclave to see what would happen, I'm a curious person, you see, but I can't remember anything after I got there.”

“Hopefully we will get answers someday. But to answer your question, we are making great progress on the tunnels.”

“Oh, that's awesome!” I smile and she looks at me weird... god... will she ever be friendly?

“Is there anything else?”

“Oh, no. That was all. I'll let you get back to work. Have a good day, Leliana.”

“Good day, Herald.”

Should she be suspecting me like that? Well... I guess for a spy, not being able to have her answers must bug her deeply. I make my way to the shop so I can get the supplies and go back to my cabin. Turns out Josephine gave me a lot of money. I think there are ten sovereigns in this bag, I should count it.

I place the supplies on the table and the staff beside the bookshelf. I sit down on the chair and pour the coins over the table so I can start counting. If this is anything like Origins and Dragon Age II, one hundred coppers is a silver, and one hundred silvers is a sovereign. When I'm done counting I put it back in the pouch: seven sovereigns, sixty silvers and forty five coppers. Not bad for a start. I tie the pouch to my pants and grab the slate with the papers and one charcoal pencil, making my way outside towards the pier. It's already getting late and I don't want to go to the other side of the lake by myself.

I sit at the usual place on the pier and start sketching the mountains and the trees I see in front of me. God... I didn't know I missed drawing  **so** much. I stay there until the sky starts to get dark and I make my way back to the cabin to put the things on the table and check on myself. I go to the tavern, then, to get dinner and I find Varric surrounded by people.

I go to my table and it's not long before he comes to me. “It's good to see you better.”

“Thank you, Varric.”

“I saw you trying to break a hole in the lake earlier.” He looks amused.

“That's  **not** what I was doing.”

“What was it then?”

“Solas taught me a spell that should not cause pain on the people I use it on. You see, I don't like setting people on fire.”

“Yeah, I noticed that. The look on your face every time you did it...”

“So yea.. unless I'm really pissed off I shouldn't be using that on people.” He raises an eyebrow.

“The way you say that makes me feel sorry about anybody that pisses you off.” I laugh.

“Yeah... I've been told I'm scary when I'm mad. I don't like being mad, though. Such bad energies filling me...” I shake my head. “I don't like it.”

“Well, good thing you don't have to worry about that when I'm around!” He chuckles and I laugh.

“Yeah, definitely not. Say Varric, you keep poking me about myself, but you haven't told me about yourself.”

“Oh not much to tell, really. And I might be prone to lies.” He smirks.

“Oh don't you dare lie to me! I always tell you the truth!”

“Fine, I'll do what you did then. If I don't want to say something I'll tell you so, everything else is truth, deal?”

“Deal!”

“Alright... What do you want to know?”

“Bianca.” He flinches. “Tell me about her?”

“Sorry, can't talk about that.” He scratches his temple.

“Hmm... alright.” Guess I'll have to wait until Skyhold? “Back when we were in the Temple to close that rift, you seemed to know about that red lyrium.” He winces. “What do you know about it? Have you seen it before?”

“I assume you haven't read my books then?”

“Sorry, no. But I will if I find them. Got any on you?”

“No, I'm uneasy to keep books around the Seeker since she stabbed one in front of me.”

“Oh, so that really happened?”

“Oh it did. Not pleasant.”

“That's disrespectful, really. Destroying other people's works.” To think she is a fan of his...

“Heh, tell me about it. But about the red lyrium... yes, I have seen it before. And I'm afraid I helped let it loose.”

“What do you mean?” He sighs.

“It was during the expedition with Hawke to the Deep Roads, we found a place full of red lyrium. Things went to shit from then on.”

“Oh. I can see why you would think it's your fault. But considering the way that thing behaves, I think it would have found a way up somewhere else.”

“What do you mean ‘how it behaves?’” Shit...

“I... you see, the way it was spread all over the Temple, in an area that was completely destroyed, you said yourself that the mountain was leveled, and it still managed to grow large like that... I think the way it grows it would have eventually ended up somewhere, if it actually already wasn't somewhere else and you only think it was you who found it first, you know. The world is big.”

“Thank you for trying to make me seem blameless, but I know I have my part in it. If I knew what I was going to find down there I wouldn't have gone there, you know?”

“Fate could have a hand on it.”

“Pff... screwed up fate you mean.” He sighs. “I wonder if we can ever be rid of that thing.”

“I wonder about that too. Tell me more about Hawke? What is she like?”

“Oh she's fun, carefree, but fierce when it comes to defending the mages, you know? I guess it comes from growing up in a family of apostates. She would know better than anyone how it was hard for a mage to be constantly avoiding the Templars, unable to really live because she could be found out at any moment.”

“I hope we can make it better for the mages. But say, I heard Kirkwall was pretty messed up, and a lot of people is afraid the mages could do that everywhere if given freedom. Aren't you afraid of that? I mean, seeing your home destroyed like that...”

“Crystal, mages are to blame just as much as the Templars. And the way I see it, that shit was brewing for a long time and it just happened to spill then. And I hate to say the person who flipped the pan used to be a friend of mine.” He shakes his head... pained? Disgusted? “Anders was such a good man when we met him, but as hate consumed him he became something else entirely. By the end he was just an abomination filled with anger, and I guess we were too close to see it coming.”

“What... happened to him?”

“Hawke... well... she is sweet and all, but she couldn't forgive his actions. She killed him. She was trying so hard to get people to see mages could be trusted and he blew the Chantry with hundreds of people inside... well... she didn't take it well.”

“I guess I wouldn't either.” I sigh. “I guess we should change the topic, this is too.. gloomy. Tell me something nice that you did back then.”

“Alright, let me see.”

He tells me of one of his adventures and after he is done I go back to my cabin. I decide to try and sleep early, so I prepare for bed and get under the covers. It takes me some minutes to fall asleep, but at last, I see the Fade again.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace starts Varric's portrait, learns yet another spell, spars with Solas and finally get on the horse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 13.05.2018 - updated version.)

I open my eyes to my beach and I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel. I protect the area and look around, checking the wisps. Oh I missed them so very much! It's a similar feeling I had around my cats, but somehow it's stronger now. I guess my bond, if I can even call it that, is stronger. They seem to cheer up when they notice me and they all circle around me, I can feel their excitement and I feel happy to be welcomed like that. I feel loved, needed. It makes me want to cry, and I can feel the tears coming down my cheeks while I laugh with them.

After some minutes of cheering and almost dancing along with them I feel Kindness, and I look past the many wisps to see her standing not so far. I give her a big smile. I missed her too. Somehow they feel like part of me, it's weird.

“Hello, Grace.” She smiles back and I go to her, the wisps making room for me to pass.

“Hello Kindness. It's so good to be here again.”

“I see that. And we all missed you too.” I think I blush. “I wonder if you will ever be comfortable with expressing your feelings, my friend.”

“I... I don't know. I could write my feelings, but saying... it's hard.”

“Maybe Love will be able to help you with that, next time she visits. Do you have an answer for her?”

“I think I have part of an answer. I realized I can't see the good things in me because they were never valued by my mother. She taught me I was never good enough. I'm not sure, though, if that is all there is to it.”

“It's good you made progress. Keep thinking about it, if there is more, you will discover. If you don't, Love may help you find out.”

“I will. I was wondering... would you two like to meet Solas? That is, if you haven't already met him. As old as he is and loving the Fade as much as he does.”

“I have heard of him, we have friends in common, but we never met him, no. I am curious about him, though. You love him so much, even knowing so many troubling things he has done. You truly can forgive people.”

“I... guess so?” I smile embarrassed.

“I will confer with Love, if you are able we can meet in two nights in your time.”

“That will be awesome! I will tell him. I hope I don't fall sick again. Staying away from the Fade was making me sad again. I don't want to feel depressed again.”

“Don't think bad things.” She holds my hand gently. “Think only good things. Whenever you feel bad, think about this place, how peaceful it is and how much you love it.”

“I... will do.” I give her a smile.

“I'm still searching for my friend. I think he went far away since the Breach happened, but don't think I've forgotten.” She nudges my hand reassuringly. “I have to go. Take care, Grace.”

“See you.”

She disappears and I look back to the wisps. It's such a pretty view, they are of many different colors. I wonder why that is, but I don't worry about it. I decide to check on my castle. It is just as I have left it. I try to summon tools but I fail, so I work with my hands.

Some minutes pass and I wonder why my time in the Fade is so short when I hear the Chantry's bell. I remember times when I could have really long dreams and it was just a ten minutes nap, or some short dream that spanned the entire night, but here in the Fade it seems it’s always short. I look at the castle and it's so crude. I really need tools. I sigh and stand up. I look at the wisps, wave them goodbye and wake up.

 

After preparing for the day I head out towards the stables. Time to wait for Cassandra and see if I can get used to that horse. I don't have to wait much for her, and we do what we did yesterday and this time we take the horse around for a walk. She tells me to lead the horse and I do it... but well, I still think the animal will hurt me at any given second. It's really hard to trust it, somehow. Cassandra says I'm worrying unnecessarily, but I can't bring myself to believe it's a good idea to be together with it.

After about an hour walking the roads around haven with the horse, we make it back to the stable. Did my opinion on it improve? No. I still fear it. I still think I can't ride it. Cassandra sighs when I tell her that, but there is nothing I can do. She tells me we're going to try riding her tomorrow. I'm so  **not** looking forward to it. Hell, I think I'd rather ride a nug.

I make my way to the cabin and after checking on myself I'm glad to see the period seems to be at its end. I get my slate and pencil and make my way to the tavern. After getting my food I sit at the table. Varric comes to me not much later.

“Hey, Varric. Do you mind posing for me?”

“Posing?”

“Yes. I want to draw you, if you don't mind. As thanks for everything you've done for me so far.”

“You draw?” He raises his eyebrows high. I nod and he seems to not believe it. I show him the sketch from yesterday that I still have to finish. “Woa. You surprise me once again.”

“So, will you pose?”

“Of course!” I smile excited and start sketching as I eat. He seems surprised at my skills. “You know, for every battle skills and health you lack you seem to be well supplied with artistic ones.”

“Heh, something has to even out the odds huh? Although I still have much to improve.”

“I saw that Mother from the Hinterlands earlier today.” I pause to look at him briefly, he is so serious, and I start worrying because it probably will mean we will leave soon. I sigh and then continue my drawing and eating. “I haven't heard anything yet, but considering how those Mothers are, her arrival probably means we will have news from Val Royeaux soon.”

“Yeah... I agree. I'm not looking forward to it.” I sigh.

“You will do fine. Just have to show them that we are here to help.”

“When has religious fanatics ever listened to anyone, Varric?” He sighs.

“Good point. But hey, even if they don't, the people there might. People's opinion can change much, you know. It puts pressure.”

“I hope you're right. Hey, Varric, tell me about Fenris?”

“Why the sudden interest? You know he is taken, right?” I see his smirk and I shake my head. “And wait, weren't you eyeing our own elf?”

“Oh come on, Varric. I just want to know how he was like, I'm not interested in him. I.. heard good things about him. I just want to know if they are true.”

“Well... I can tell you about him, sure. But I don't buy your motivation. Don't let Hawke know.” He laughs.

“Urgh... Varric... I already regret asking you.”

“I'm just teasing you. I know there is only one elf you want.” His sly smile is there and I try to ignore, but I think I blush. He laughs.

He tells me about how they met Fenris and how he was always ‘brooding’ and how much he hated mages, his problems with Tevinter slavers, or any slavers for that matter and how Hawke just fell in love with him at first sight. When I finish eating and my first sketch, which I'm going to clean later to start working the second pass, we part ways and I leave for my cabin so I can leave the stuff there and pick up the staff to head towards Solas' cabin for my training.

 

I reach his place and I feel his presence inside. I knock and it's not long until he opens the door. “Good afternoon, Grace. I see you brought your staff so I assume you are ready to train.”

“That's right!” I say with a smile. I'm excited to practice and improve.

“Let me get mine and we'll go.” I nod and wait for him to get his staff and lock the door, setting a ward afterwards.

“What are you teaching me today?” I say as we walk towards the lake.

“Do you remember the spell I used to break your Barrier that time?” I nod. “That is what I will teach you today. Since you learned Fade Strike so easily you should not have any difficulty learning this one. It’s not meant for damage, however. It is useful should you find yourself surrounded by people or simply want to stun them temporarily.”

“Useful indeed.”

We make our way to our training spot and he stands leaning on his staff, observing me for a couple of seconds. I can't help wondering what he is thinking. Do I even want to know?

“Cast your Barrier.” I do so with a thought, feeling its improved version from the training yesterday, he squints his eyes slightly but then his expression is back to neutral. “Keep it up at all times today.” I nod. “Channel the energy from the Fade, remember to do it through the staff even though it is a simple spell, and simply push that energy around you. Do not dissipate it, push it.”

“Around me?” He nods and casts his own Barrier. I wonder if his Barrier is blue so he wouldn't call attention to himself or if mine is the one that just doesn't belong in this world. I close my eyes to help me focus and I channel the energy through the staff. Don't dissipate, push... push... I hold my breath trying to feel the channeled energy and then as I release the air I will the energy away from me. It somehow feels like a really powerful sneeze, even though my nose had nothing to do with it. I laugh at the memory of Jaal asking Cora what her biotics felt like and she said it felt like a sneeze. Now I think I understand. I look at Solas to find him with a curious expression.

“What is so amusing?”

“Oh just something I remembered. Did I cast it right?”

“You did. Do it with your eyes open this time.” I do so and see the air waves leaving me and the moment his Barrier flickers when hit. I make an “Oh” and he just says “Good. Now to the second part of your training today.” He straightens his posture and looks at me, serious. “We spar.”

“Wait... what?”

“You need combat experience to strengthen your Barrier. Ready yourself.”

“Right... let's do this.”

He hits me with a Blast without even a warning, my Barrier almost drops entirely. Shit, he is serious. I try to refill the Barrier but he hits me again, I don't even have time to think about hitting him back, I keep having to defend myself. His face is pure focus. When he hits me for the fifth time I can't replenish the Barrier in time and the next hit lands making me feel like the time I was hit by a soccer ball on the head. Everything goes dark and my balance is completely shaken. It takes me about five seconds to refocus my gaze and recover my hearing. I look at him to see his disapproving face.

“I believe you told me you were recovered?”

“I'm quite better.” He sighs.

“I noticed you improved on your Barrier, but your recovery rate is slower than before. You are either weak still or not focusing enough.”

“I... I think this is just too unexpected.”

“Unexpected?”

“I never thought I would be attacking you...”

“You are not attacking me, this is exercise.”

“Still... it feels weird.” I sigh and shake my head. He is my teacher, not my enemy. “Let's try again.”

I raise the Barrier and immediately feel the Blast hitting me. Instead of being stuck in a defensive instance I decide to Blast him back so he would have to think about his own Barrier. What I did not think about was that his Barrier was far superior than mine. So he Blasted me again and ripped me completely from my own. I try to focus harder and channel more energy to start with a stronger Barrier, but it still starts off incomplete, needing to be fed further. And while I'm still trying to feed it further I can't share my focus to cast the Blast. And once again I'm stuck in the loop of recovering Barriers. When I'm stunned once again he stops. The moment I recover I see his disappointed face and it hurts.

“Do you want to stop?” He asks calmly.

“I'm not tired yet, I want to keep trying. I'm not sure I can do this, but I will find out.”

“Ready your Barrier.”

And we do it again. As much as I can't fill my Barrier to its fullest or start with a stronger one yet, I discover that I can Blast twice. The second hit is weaker, but it's effective enough to give him pause so I can recover some more of my Barrier. Because of this discovery the third round lasts a lot longer, but it's no surprise when I'm stunned by the end. When I look at him I'm relieved to see his face is not showing me that disappointed expression.

“It was unexpected that you would be able to cast it twice. Your Barrier, however, still shows no improvement.” I sigh, acknowledging the fact. “How do you feel?”

“I'm... good.” That exhausted feeling from yesterday wasn't there. “That reminds me, yesterday after we parted I trained some lifting, and  _ then _ I felt tired.” He hums.

“Show me what you did.” I look at him surprised, but I nod and go look for the log.

I find the piece of wood not much farther and I channel the energy through the staff to get the object flying. I can lift it only a few centimeters from the ground and move it about a meter away, then I feel my head light. I look at Solas but he has his analyzing face on.

“Try with this.” He hands me his staff and I give him mine to hold.

I move the log about the same height and distance but don't feel tired. I blink confused and try lifting it higher, it goes a bit higher than before and I can move it also a bit further, but then I get lightheaded. My body isn't strong to channel the energy necessary to move this weight... neither is my staff... his staff is more powerful and allows me some improvement...

“I see what's wrong.” I tell him and he tilts his head. “Neither me or my staff are strong enough to channel the necessary energy to move the weight.” He nods.

“Partially yes.” He gives me back my staff and I give him his. “There is the matter of your focus that needs improving. Do you feel well enough for another session?”

“Give me a few minutes? I'm still a bit lightheaded from that log but I'll be better soon.” He nods and I sit on a rock, holding the staff in front of me. After a few minutes of silence I remember my night in the Fade. “Oh, I almost forgot.”

“Hm?” He turns towards me. He was looking at the Breach since I sit down.

“Last night I finally went back to the Fade, I talked to Kindness, she is excited to meet you.” His expression softens. “She said she will confer with Love and meet with  us tomorrow, if you want.”

“I look forward to it.” He gives me a smile. I can't help smiling back. I drop down from the rock, my hip making a clack noise and he frowns but after seeing me ignoring it he just goes back to his stance. “Ready?” I nod and summon the Barrier.

We go through another long round and this time I can recover the Barrier a bit faster, but it's still too little of an improvement. After I'm stunned he decides we should stop for the day.

“As much as you want to keep training, you need to allow your body time to recover.” He says as we make the way back towards the gates.

“I understand. I won't push myself.”

We go our separate ways at the crossroad and I place the staff back in my cabin. I get my drawing supplies and make it back to the pier so I can continue my sketch until night falls. When I get to the tavern for dinner I don't see Varric, so I just eat and go back home.

I decide to clean Varric's sketch and prepare it for the second pass next time I see the dwarf. Eventually I find myself yawning, with no idea how long I've been drawing. I set it aside and prepare for bed.

When I wake up to my beach I see the wisps seem a bit different than before. Not a bad kind of different, just different. I don't know what it could possibly be. I protect the place and decide to walk around, searching for seashells or whatever I could find on the sand that could be entertaining. I eventually find a conch and I smile at my find. I sit down and put it to my ear so I can hear the faint sound of the sea. It would be nice if I could find a real one, so I can listen to the sea even far away... how long until I go to the Storm Coast?

I lay back and hold the conch close to my chest. I look at the gulls flying, there are about five there now. I wonder what makes them multiply. The wisps come around me and I feel such harmony with my feelings, as if everything was in place. I sigh and close my eyes, enjoying the peace and the sound of the sea as the wind caresses my skin. I wake up to the Chantry's bell.

 

I can't help feeling anxious as I go through my routine. I really didn't want to ride that horse... I can feel my chest tighten and I have to control myself so I don't start crying. After I'm done I make my way towards the stables as slow as I could. I want to run away just so I don't have to go through this. What if I fall? What if it kicks me? What if it throws me down? What if it bites me? I start having problems to breathe as I reach the gate. I have to stop and lower my head to my knees so I can get some proper air in my brain. Don't panic... calm down... breathe... think good things... my beach... my wisps... Kindness... I focus on Kindness' face, her warm smile comforting me. “Think good things,” she always says. I take slow and deep breaths. After a few minutes I calm down, my legs feeling more solid again. I look around to see people unsure of what to do. I decide to ignore them and continue on my way.

Cassandra is already waiting for me. The horse is saddled. Shit. She tells me to greet the horse and do everything I have done in the past days and then she says the words I dreaded the most that morning:

“Come on, let me show you how to get on her.”

I have to control the urge to run away to the peace of the woods and hide for the rest of the day. I feel my body becoming heavy and weak again. I try to focus. Breathe... calm down... focus... think good things... the horse won't harm me... she is docile... she is nice... I can barely pay attention to what Cassandra is saying. She calls me in an annoyed voice and I focus my gaze on her.

“Sorry, I didn't hear you.” I rub my face and my neck.

“Are you feeling well?”

“I'm... nervous.” She sighs.

“She will not harm you, Grace. Just do what I tell you.”

I nod and try to ignore the bad thoughts. Think good things _. _ Cassandra explains what I'm supposed to do as she does it and then she pulls herself on top of the animal. God, she is so tall up there. Normally she is about five centimeters shorter than me, even though her body is stronger; I'm skinny at the moment, with the anaemia and all.

She then explains to me what I should do to get down and she does it. Of course she wants me to do what she just explained to me. I sigh and approach the side of the horse. I rub it's shoulder and say “Please don't hurt me... I don't really know what I'm doing but I don't intend to harm you...”

I take a deep breath and hold the reins and saddle. My arms are very weak, the strength in my body was always concentrated on my legs, my arms are as strong as two feathers. When we were in the Hinterlands Cassandra would always push me up there, now I was supposed to learn how to do it myself and it was  **not** easy. I can't pull myself up and get my other leg across and it annoys the horse after the fifth try.

We take some time easing the horse and Cassandra tries to show me other ways to mount. None improves. By the end she decides someone would just help me up whenever I would mount until I was able to do it myself. She helps me up and walks beside me, holding the reins and explaining how I should keep my posture while up there. I'm scared of the possibility of the horse bolting but I try to not think about it and focus on Cassandra's words.

After an hour of walking we go back to the stables so she can get her horse and ride beside me, still mainly in control of the reins. After hours going around with her on the horse my butt hurts. I wish the saddle was softer. My only relief is that she didn't bolt or tried to toss me off her. We call it a day and I go to the tavern, wishing my butt would just ‘wake up’ and my back would stop hurting. I don't see Varric again and I start to worry about what could have happened. Maybe I'm just coming at wrong hours? When I'm leaving the tavern a young and skinny elf approaches me.

“Excuse me, Herald. I got a message from the Ambassador.” He gives me a piece of paper and bows.  **Bows** . God... I’ve never been bowed to, this is wrong... but I don't know if I should say something... customs here are different, I think he would bow to any of the advisors too, wouldn't he? “Good day, Herald.” And just like that, he runs away.

I unfold the piece of paper and take a look. She has such beautiful handwriting. To my happiness I can understand everything: “Herald, please come see us at the meeting's room after your meal. Ambassador J. Montilyet.” I sigh. Mother Giselle arrived yesterday, now we have a meeting. I'm pretty sure I know what this is about. I should let Solas know I might not make it to lessons today.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with advisors and more drawing. Grace also receives something unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 13.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Thank you all for the comments, I love knowing what you think <3

I make my way to Solas' cabin and I can feel him inside. I knock and wait for him to open the door. When he does, the look on his face is a curious one, and he tilts his head; I assume because he noticed the absence of my staff.

“Good afternoon, Grace.”

“Good afternoon, Solas. I just got a message from Josephine, she called a meeting and I'm unsure how long it will take. So... I guess you're free from me today.”

“You should still train your Barrier after you are done. Practice to cast it stronger. Without the pressure of combat you would not progress as fast, but it is better than not practicing.”

“I will do that. Thank you, Solas. Have a good day.”

“Good day, Grace.”

 

The Chantry was a bit crowded, I wonder if the Mother would do whatever it is they do. I don't want to find out, though. I make my way straight to the War Room ignoring everybody. When I enter I see everyone already inside. They greet me and go straight to business. What I didn't expect was for them to bring one specific topic: the possession that happened on the way to the Crossroads.

“Because of your health we thought it best to wait until you were recovered to discuss it.” Cassandra says.

“Well... go ahead. What is it?” I don't really know how to approach the issue. They look to each other and nobody seems comfortable enough to talk about it. Cassandra then starts.

“I told them what happened, and how you came back on your own, but we are worried that it could happen again.”

“Well, I can't tell you that it will never happen again, but I sure don't want to go through that again. Solas taught me how to protect myself in the Fade and I honestly think it will be hard for any demons to approach me.”

“Could this be considered some sort of Harrowing, Commander?” Josephine asks.

“The purpose of the Harrowing is to make sure the mage is strong enough to resist possession, considering she  **was** possessed, I believe it would prove a failure.”

“But she made it back on her own.” The Ambassador insists.

“That is true, and were it a real Harrowing in a Circle she wouldn't have had the time to come back, she would have been struck down at the first sign of possession.”

“We gave her time because the demon could not do anything in her body,” Cassandra says, “and Solas said she was still alive in the Fade, even though he could not find her.”

“That is extremely unusual,” Cullen says. “For a demon to be powerless.” He adds.

“Solas believes it is linked to whatever blocks her from being healed.”

“Does it have anything to do with the mark on her hand?” He asks.

“Solas says it is not caused by it. That it is something  _ in _ her.” She looks at me then, I shrug.

“I know as much as you do.”

“How did you make it back?” Leliana asks.

“I... don't really know how to explain. After I realized what happened I felt angry that I had my life taken from me, eventually I found the demon again and defeated it.”

“But you didn't know how to use any spells by then.” She says, her tone accusatory.

“I don't know how it happened, but I remembered Solas teachings and when I realized it, I had cast a spell on the demon.”

“That is true, I saw the spell after she woke up.” Cassandra says. “Solas told her to show him what it was that she did. It is an impressive spell. One I have never seen before.”

“That makes it two spells that you are able to cast that are completely different from anything we have seen.” Cullen says. “You are a mystery, if I'm being honest. Your magic comes to you later than what is considered normal, your body doesn't accept healing of any source, and the spells you cast are also different. I cannot begin to understand how those are possible.”

“Well, I can't explain those either, Commander. But if it makes you feel any better, the spell Solas taught me in the past two days seem to be completely normal.”

“I have only seen one person come back from possession before,” Leliana says, “and she was a powerful mage. It intrigues me that an inexperienced one such as yourself would be able to do it.”

“I don't know... maybe what I lack in focus I have in determination?” I shrug. “Really... I can't give you the answers you are looking for. I don't know them.”

“Despair.” Cullen says. “It is rare to see someone possessed by it.” He looks... pained? “Is it your past that haunts you?”

“I guess. There are many bad things there. Things that I'm trying to learn how to deal with. I'm receiving help, don't worry.”

“Oh, right.” He says. “Your  _ spirit  _ friends.” He frowns.

**“Yes** .” I say, seriously, almost defensively. “My  **spirit** friends, and my flesh friends.”

“How can you be friends with... demons? They are dangerous, they could try to possess you!”

“I told her it was dangerous but she and Solas insist these are safe.” Cassandra says, a bit annoyed if I can read her tone right.

“Commander, I might be inexperienced, but I know a bad person when I see one. And I can feel the energies of my spirit friends and I know they wouldn't harm me, nor try to possess me. Also, with the protection routine that Solas taught me, no ill intended spirit, or demon, as you would call them, could approach me. I'm safe with them. They have helped me. As have Solas, Varric,” I look at Cassandra, “and Cassandra.”

“Still, you should be careful.”

“I am always careful. And Cassandra could intervene whenever she thought it needed, right?”

“That is correct.” She says.

“Any other question about this? I really don't like to remember that day.”

“Of course, Herald.” Josephine says. “It just had to be discussed. Mother Giselle told us this morning that the Mothers in Val Royeaux are organizing themselves. You should go there as soon as possible to try and talk to them.”

“Even if you are only able to plant some doubts it would be already enough.” Leliana says. “They are united under the thought that you are a bad person and that the Inquisition is only aiming for power, show them that they are wrong and they won't be as strong.”

“And your presence there should also catch the attention of important people.” Josephine says. “We need more allies.”

“Alright...” I sigh. “When are we leaving?”

“It is best for us to leave in the morning.” Cassandra says. “We should get to Val Royeaux in about a week.”

**“A week** ?!” I seem to startle them.

“Yes, it is quite far.” Cassandra adds. “We will take a ship so it saves us some time.”

“Oh... god... oh...” I run my hands on my face.

“What is the matter?” Josephine asks.

“I hope I don't die on the way there... and I doubt I’ll be able to clean myself... bathing on rivers was already hard... I don't think there are any rivers along the road... Oh...” I want to cry.

“We can stop on taverns we find on the way, although there might not be many.” Cassandra says and I wince.

“As for your health,” Josephine says, “because you will leave before the scholars arrive I have set an arrangement with an inn in Val Royeaux, so you can recover some of your strength while you are there. Cassandra told us that you don't get enough sustenance from meat and fruits. I believe that two or three days in the inn should be enough for you to recover for the journey back.”

“Thank you, Josephine.”

“You should get new armor with Lana.” Cassandra says. Lana is the blacksmith, I forgot to tell you her name.

“I'll do that, but I'm not wearing heavy armor Cassandra. I wouldn't be able to walk.” She sighs.

“Just get something that will protect you better. We don't have reports of threats on the road to Val Royeaux but we can't risk you.”

“Alright. I'll see what she has there.”

“About the matter of the mages and Templars.” Leliana says. “We have made some progress. There are some spies in both groups and I will keep you informed as they report. I must say this will improve our cause greatly if it gives us the expected results.”

“I really hope we can get many people on our side.” And less people dead or with Corypheus.

“I believe we have discussed everything.” Josephine says after checking her slate. “Is there something else anyone would like to add?” Nobody says anything. “Then we can call this meeting over.”

“Alright. Have a good day, everyone.” They greet me back and I make my way outside, heading for the blacksmith.

 

After discussing about an armor that wouldn't be too heavy but that also could provide a decent level of protection, I end up getting what I believe is a rogue's armor. There is just so much leather that I could be a member of a motorcycle gang. It’s a bit heavy but bearable. It comes with new boots and longer gloves, no helmet, though. I asked but she refused to give me any, saying there was none available. She would get the armor delivered to my cabin later and I decide to go back home for some tea. My back is killing me. I hope Solas found enough ingredients or I'm screwed.

I brew the tea and while it cools I prepare my pack, choosing the clothes for the journey and I put the resources books and the magic one in the bag so I can read on the road. I wonder if the period would be nice enough to be completely gone by morning. Oh, I almost forgot... I need to get some vinegar... I wonder if Adan would mind giving me an empty potion flask...

I make my way to the apothecary and find Adan organizing stuff on the shelves. I greet him and he is as ‘cheery’ as ever. I ask him for a flask that I could use to put vinegar inside. He thinks my idea is absurd, but doesn't make it difficult for me, giving me a flask for poultices. Now I need the vinegar, so I go to the tavern.

I wave at Varric, who waves back, and go talk to Flissa. She introduces the cook to me, an old man, and both of them think I'm weird for asking for vinegar. I offer to pay for it but they don't charge me. “You are the Herald, you don't need to pay for this!” I fill the flask, set the cork firmly and make my way home, putting the flask inside the hygiene kit for extra protection. I would hate for this to break and not only I would be without a healing method but everything would stink terribly... I really hate the smell of vinegar, but the thing is efficient... so I bear with it.

After everything is set I pour the tea in a cup and sit at the table to sip. Solas told me to practice the strength of the Barrier but I'm so tired... Guess I'll wait until the pain fades a little. I finish the tea and wash the cup. I take off my clothes and lay on the bed to rest my back, but because I can't stay idle I fly the drawing materials to me. Magic is awesome.

I can't work on Varric's portrait without looking at him so I move it to the end of the pile of papers. I also can't work on the landscape so to the end it goes too. I'm greeted by an empty sheet. If I was back on Earth I would draw one of my characters, but doing so here would be pointless, so I decide to go for the only other thing I could draw without reference: Solas. Maybe I'll even give it to him as a thank you gift.

 

I end up spending the rest of the day drawing him. And after I realize it's dark I stop to see my work: Solas with a smile. The most beautiful thing I ever saw in my life, his smile. I sigh. I love you. I say in my thoughts as I run my fingers softly enough over the drawing so it wouldn't smudge. “I wonder if I'll ever tell you so...” I sigh and get up. Time for dinner.

I put his portrait in a drawer and take the rest of the materials with me to the tavern. Maybe I can finally work some more on Varric's drawing.

I enter the tavern and see the dwarf surrounded by people. After getting my food and heading to my table I see him approaching with a bundle in one of his hands, the other, as usual, has a mug.

“Good evening, Crystal.”

“Good evening, Varric. Gift from a fan?”

“Oh this?” He sets it on the table and sits. “No, it is a gift alright,” he pushes it towards me, “but it's for you.” My eyes go wide.

“What?” He laughs. “Why are you giving me a gift?”

“Oh you know, to cheer you up, to prove we're friends, and to help you.”

“Help me?”

“Open it and you'll understand what I mean.”

I look at the bundle, curious and shy. People  **never** give me anything. And my mother always told me to never accept gifts. “You would be indebted to them and you never know their intentions for giving you things,” she would say. He has such an expectant expression that I can't bring myself to refuse, though. I set the spoon in the bowl and pick the bundle with both hands. It's light and soft. I open it and see something very furry. As I unfold it completely I see it’s a hat, with ears! Fennec ears! It is so damn cute! The lower part of the hat is completely covered by the furry tail. I run my hand through it's soft texture, mesmerized.

“I take it you like it?”

“Varric... I... I love it!” I give him a bright smile and he laughs. “Thank you very much!”

“I'm glad you like it. You love the furry creatures, I thought I could get something nice done with the pelt of the ones I've hunted. And now you don't have to worry about cold ears.”

“How did you know? I thought I didn't complain about it.”

“I noticed the way you would always try to protect and warm them and how happy you got when you found that hooded cloak. One night I overheard you mumbling and it only confirmed my suspicions.”

“You really do pay attention.” He chuckles. I put the hat on and it fits perfectly, covering my ears. I can feel the ears pointing up and can only imagine how weird and cute it must look. I used to wear some hats with ears but never to go out. I didn't want people looking at me more than they already did. Here I just don't care. “It fits perfectly. How...?”

“You look cute.” I laugh. “I had Lana make it. She had your measurements.”

“Oh, that explains why she wouldn't give me a helmet.”

“Told her not to, because you would have this one.” He smiles.

“Why the ears? I doubt anyone here would wear such a thing. How did you know I would like it?”

“Well, you love the creature's ears, and the way you love elves I thought you would like some pointed years for yourself.” He smirks and I think I blush.

“Well, you are right. Thank you so much Varric.”

“You're welcome Crystal.”

“Now let me finish your gift, will you?” I point at the sheet with his drawing and he chuckles.

“Sure.”

 

I complete the second pass and all that's left is some details I can add on my own later. He should have his drawing soon. After drawing so much, though, my hand hurts. I have repetitive strain injury due to many years of drawing over twelve hours straight. My reward for being a stupid stubborn teenager that thought her hand could handle it. I massage my wrist with my left hand and oddly enough the heat emanating from the mark helps soothe the pain. Could the mark help with pain in other parts too?

“Does your hand hurt?”

“Yeah, nothing serious, though. Just drew a lot today.”

“Oh yeah? What else did you draw?”

“Well...” I think I blush again. “I... er...”

“You made a drawing of Chuckles?” He smirks.

“Er... yeah?” He laughs.

“I doubt he posed for you.”

“Er... he didn't.” He leans back on the chair and crosses his arms in front of his chest with an amused expression.

“So... you have his face so burned into your mind that you can draw him like that? Girl... you are more lost than I thought.” I feel my face burning and I want to hide. “Are you giving it to him?”

“I... don't know. I want to, but I'm afraid of what he might think.”

“I think he will like it. You know, he has been alone for so long, even here in Haven he keeps to himself. A gesture like that would warm him a bit, you know?”

“Hm... you might be right.”

“And it will probably get the two of you closer. Don't you want that?”

“I...” I want that more than anything... but to lose him later... “don't know.”

“You don't know?” His eyes go wide. I sigh.

“It's complicated, Varric.”

“You and your complications. You shouldn't let happiness slip by, you know. There is too much shit in this world and you never know how much time you got to enjoy it.”

“I... guess you're right.” I wonder how he feels having to stay away from Bianca... “I have to go to bed now, though. We're leaving early and I'm still tired. Good night, Varric. Thank you for the hat!”

“Good night, Crystal.”

 

I prepare for bed after placing the drawing supplies inside my bag so I can draw on the road, and get under the covers, enjoying the last time I'll be sleeping on a bed for days.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A sketch of Grace with her new hat so it can help you picture it in your mind :)


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas meets Grace's spirit friends and they finally leave for Val Royeaux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 13.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> 43 kudos :o I'm so happy <3 Thank you everyone! I hope you continue to like her journey!

I open my eyes to my beach and set the barrier. I notice the wisps feel more intense than the night before. It's not long until I hear Solas' voice. I had forgotten about the meeting.

“Good evening, Grace.” I turn to face him, feeling extremely self-conscious after the talk with Varric.

“Good evening, Solas. I suppose they should be here soon.”

“Is something wrong?”

“What do you mean?” I tuck my hair behind my ears.

“You are agitated.”

“Oh. You can notice it?”

“Everything is heightened in the Fade, as you know.”

“Yeah... I... forgot about that for a second... I... I'm just... anxious, I guess?”

“Do you regret setting up this meeting?”

“No!” Shit, don't shout. “I... I just had a conversation with Varric that left me a bit... anxious. It has nothing to do with the meeting.”

“I see.” He locks his hand behind his back and paces towards my unfinished castle. “I did not know you sculpted.”

“Well, it's been a long time since I last did.” I say while walking towards his side. “It’s ugly and crude, I can't manage to summon tools and there is only so much I can do with bare hands.”

“I can help you with it next time. Your friends are close.”

And just as he finishes speaking I feel their energies fill the place. Such comfort and love. I don't think there is a better place in the world. I feel happy and all my worries fade away. I feel one with that massive energy. There's no room for bad thoughts.

“Hello, Grace.” Kindness says and then looks at Solas.

“Hello again.” Love says and also looks at him.

“Hello Kindness, Love. This is Solas, my friend I told you about.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you both.” He nods in a greeting.

“Hello, Solas.” They say in unison.

“We want to thank you for helping her.” Kindness says with a warm smile.

“There is no need to thank me. I am only teaching her some basics.”

“That is not what I mean.” He tilts his head. “Thanks to you her turmoil diminishes each passing day, and it strengthens all she comes in contact with.” I'm confused but I'm pretty sure I blush. I can't look at him.

“You still haven't embraced your feelings.” Love says. “But we can talk about it next time.”

“You feel her energy, don't you, Solas?” Kindness says and he reluctantly nods. “She is a beacon in the Fade, and thanks to you she has been able to shine.”

“Kindness you are embarrassing me.”

“I'm sorry, that was not my intention.”

“Why did you decide to approach her?” He says with his focused expression.

“She had a strong will to help. Her aura and feelings were strong and called to me. I came to help her help others.”

“And I wanted to know who was the one that felt so much but wouldn't spare some of that feeling for herself. You must imagine how strong her aura and feelings travel through the Fade. Many know of her by now, even the ones far away.” I feel weird. Not afraid, anxious maybe? I was never the target of so much attention. “The spirits talk, and the spirits  **feel** .”

“I never thought I would meet someone friends with spirits and when she told me about you it surprised me.” He says.

“You should have known it was only a matter of time.” Love says. “A light so strong cannot be ignored.”

“Why do you talk about me as if I'm some great being? I'm broken and full of problems. I want to help, alright, I feel too much, alright, but I'm not that great.”

“You will come to accept it, in time.” Love says and I sigh frustrated. “I will help you see it.”

“Solas,” Kindness says, “she trusts you deeply, and I want to ask you to continue to help her for as long as you are able.”

“Of course. The Breach must be closed and I will help her do it.” Kindness looks at him with a serious expression, it’s the first time I see her like that.

“I hope you realize it soon.” He tilts his head and she looks at me, expression soft once again. “Listen to your friend. He has good intentions and knows what he is doing.” I blush and Love chuckles.

“Solas,” Love says, “I have something to tell you, but it is best to talk another time.”

“Of course. You know where to find me now.”

“I see you made progress on the castle.” Kindness says, approaching.

“As much as I could. Solas said he will help me get tools so it might become something decent then.”

“They are happy.” Love says looking at the wisps.

“They like it here.” Solas says. “And it seems they are...” he frowns, “changing?”

“They are.” Love says and turns to me. “I wish I could stay longer, but I must go.” She turns to Solas. “It was good to meet you. I will see you another time.”

“It was a pleasure.”

“I must go as well.” Kindness says and looks at me. “I think I found my friend, maybe next time I'll be able to bring him.”

“Can't wait!” I give her a smile and she hugs me. Love also comes and hugs me. I think I never felt so good for being hugged.

“It was good to finally meet you, Solas. Until next time.”

“I can only say the same.” He nods.

“See you.” I say with a smile and they leave. The peace and quiet of the beach returns, keeping only the warmth of the encounter.

“Thank you.” Solas says and I look at him confused.

“What for?”

“For introducing them to me. They are rare spirits to be found, especially in such troubled times.”

“They are great.” I smile.

“I see Love likes to scold you.”

“Heh, yeah. We've only met twice now and she did it both times. I don't think it's that easy to love myself and she doesn't agree with it.”

“She will help you.” He looks so... kind. “It is time for us to wake up.”

“But the bell-” and just like that the sound rings through the beach and Solas chuckles as I close my eyes in frustration. “Well... time to wake up, indeed.”

“I will see you in a while.”

“See you.” I give him a smile and he leaves. I turn to look at the waves, taking a deep breath and turn to the wisps.

“See you next time, guys.” And I wake up.

 

Apparently the period was indeed nice enough to be gone and after putting on the armor I look in the mirror to see how I look like with the fennec hat on and I almost scream thinking how damn cute that is. I know a lot of people would think it stupid or ugly, I think it's awesome. What bothers me is my face... I can see a soft mustache forming and my eyebrows also are becoming different. Stupid hormones... urgh... hate this shit... I remember then one of the supplies I got with Adan. I should try that hair remover soon, now that I'm no longer bleeding. This armor is a lot tighter than the old one, hugging my body closely, even though the leathers are thick I hope it doesn't show my curves too much. I like my curves, don't get me wrong, but I also don't feel at all confident, even having lost a lot of weight. The good thing is that at least it isn't tight enough to make me feel sick.

When I was slinging the bag on my back I look at the cabinet and think about the drawing. Should I give it to him? I take a deep breath and take the drawing from the drawer. I put it together with the other papers and close the bag, making my way out to meet the others. I'll keep it with me... in case I decide to give it to him.

When I get to the stables I see Cassandra has the horses ready. Solas was almost done getting his stuff on his and their faces when they see me is just... priceless. They look at me as if I had grown another head. I think I look cute, and I don't care. I approach the horse and rub its shoulder, greeting it, even though I'm still afraid.

“What sort of hat is that, Grace?” Cassandra asks.

“Fennec. Cute isn't it?” I give her a smile. “It's a gift from Varric.”

“Why am I not surprised?” She has that disapproving tone whenever it involves something she doesn't like about Varric. “You can't expect people to take you seriously with that.”

“Cassandra, with all due respect, I don't care about what other people will think. I think it’s cute, and lovely, and it’s warm and soft and furry and the ears are adorable. They already hate me without even knowing me, I'm not going to hold back on wearing something I like because of others' opinion.” She sighs. “Can you help me strap this stuff on the horse?”

“Of course.”

She helps me with the bags and equipment and while we are still at it Varric arrives.

“Good morning everyone. Crystal I see you really liked it.”

“I love it, Varric. Cassandra doesn't agree with it, though.”

“Not surprising. What about you, Chuckles? What do you think?”

“My opinion should not matter, Varric.” Is he referring to what I just told Cassandra?

“Oh but I'm curious.”

“It is unusual.” That is all he says and Varric shakes his head, not saying anything while he prepares his horse.

 

We keep to the road during all the way until it’s time for us to stop for lunch and rest the horses. After tying them to trees close to a small stream I lay on the grass in pain. I want to make some tea, but I don't think I can stand. I take my marked hand to my lower back and hope it would soothe the pain a little as it did to my wrist, but it doesn't do much.

“Are you in pain?” Cassandra asks.

“Yes.” I say weakly.

“Do you have ingredients for that tea?”

“I do, but I don't think I can stand.”

“I will make you some.” Solas says.

“Sorry to bother you, Solas.” I feel miserable and I want to cry. I cover my face with my hands.

“What's wrong, Grace?” Cassandra insists. “Is the pain that strong?”

“I... it's not just the pain... I'm... nervous... I'm scared...” I sob trying to hold back so I wouldn't start crying but not making a good job. “I…” I sigh.

“Is this because of the journey or because of the Mothers in Val Royeaux?”

“It's everything. I'm not prepared to do this. I should never have been put in this place.” I start to panic, everything that haunted me before come back and I feel so insecure and miserable. I think being so tired triggered everything to surface.

“Do not let yourself head down that path again, Grace.” Solas says, his voice calm. “Remember your friends.”

“My friends...” I say to myself. Kindness words: “think good things”. It's so hard. I feel flooded by feelings. I want to be accepted, I want to be strong, I want to be loved, I want to be left alone to do my own things, I don't want to fight, I want to see this world rebuilt, I don't want to feel pain anymore... I want... to cry. I let the tears stream down my face and I start sobbing without being able to control.

I hear Cassandra calling me with a worried voice, but her voice is so far, muffled by my cries. I can't even bring myself to be ashamed at this point. I just need to get the feelings out. I don't know for how long I cried, but eventually my throat hurts so much that I stop. I couldn't breathe anymore. I remove my hands from my face and I see Cassandra kneeling beside me with a worried expression. Solas is sitting down by the fire with a cup in his hands. I assume the tea is ready.

“Sorry...” I manage to say with a rough voice, sobbing afterwards. “I... got overwhelmed.”

“Do you feel better?” She asks.

“A little...” She sighs.

“Here.” Solas hands me the tea. “It should also help you calm down.”

“Thank you, Solas.” I sit up and take it from him. “Sorry about the scene...”

“What got you like this?” Cassandra asks.

“I hope this doesn't become a habit... you know... leaving Haven and me crying...” I sigh. “I think that I'm just... overflowing.”

“Will you be alright?” She asks.

“You mean if I won't be possessed again?” I chuckle. “Don't worry... this is nothing like that... this is just... a dam that broke. I think I needed to cry a little... or a lot... as it was.”

“Maybe if you talk about what ails you it would make it easier.” She says.

“I...” I sigh. “It would... but it also would complicate things...”

“Complicate?”

“Yes... there are things that are just...  _ hard _ ... to talk about.” I can't explain why I'm here. “Maybe one day?”

“Just know that I'm here for you should you need.” She nudges my shoulder and stands.

“Thank you, Cassandra. It means a lot to know that.” I give her a smile and she smiles back.

After I finish my tea I recline against a tree and get the resources book to study, trying to prepare for the things I could spot on the way. Varric arrives with some rabbits and they roast it while I read. I notice then that they also have something else on the fire, a pan?

“Sorry, Crystal. Couldn't find any fruits today.” He says from over the fire.

“It's alright, Varric. Thanks for trying. What is that other thing?”

“Oh this?” Cassandra says. “Since Haven has more supplies we could get some corn and beans among other things. It should keep you more healthy.”

“That... is very good indeed.” I think I'm excited? At least I won't be as weak as I was in the Hinterlands. Specially since this time we will be much longer on the road, this is a really important thing.

After we finish eating we get back on the road. I stay silent all the way until it's time to make camp. I sit by the fire reading the resources book. Hopefully at some point I can have these stuff burned into my mind.

“Is something troubling you?” Solas asks while giving me the tea.

“I have this feeling that too many things will change after we get to Val Royeaux. And it scares me.”

“A feeling?” He sits on the other side of the fire.

“Intuition?” I can't say I know what is going to happen... Also... I don't really know how to talk to the Mothers. How to convince them. I'm not a people's person. I don't have social skills. I can't talk to people I don't know.

“We will be there to help you.” Cassandra says.

“Thank you.” I give them a weak smile.

After we eat I go clean myself and go straight to the tent. My whole body hurts, especially my back. I wonder if I will ever get used to riding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I already have an idea about how the story will end, but I still don't know if Solas will be romantic with her... Time will tell, it's still a long way until the end anyway. Time to save Haven!(back to writing)


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace meets another spirit, sings some more and finally gives the drawings she has made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 14.05.2018 - updated version.)

I protect the beach and go straight to the sea to let myself be washed. I lay down on the shallow area and concentrate on the sound of the waves and the feeling that those wisps bring when they approach me. I wonder what kind of change they are going through. Nobody visits me tonight, but the peace is enough to calm my heart when I wake up in the morning. Cassandra tells me to go prepare and off I go.

Another day passes without me saying a word. They talk among themselves, the kind of banter they would normally have in game. At least they seem to be getting along better now. Cassandra and Varric aren't at odds so much, and Solas starts to respect Varric's opinion on life on the surface. I wonder what was the life of the dwarves back when the Fade was free. Solas talks about it as if even their lives were better, and they are so different from elves. Titans... I wonder what they really are.

Whenever Varric tries to start a conversation with me I don't say much. For some reason I just want to be left alone with my thoughts. Maybe it's the anxiety of knowing things are finally moving towards the dreadful end. After we get to Val Royeaux so many things are going to change. How am I even going to talk to those Mothers? I don't remember the game's dialogue so I can't even use it to save me from my inability to speak in public... I don't know what to do... The good thing about this travel is that even though my back hurts I don't risk fainting from exhaustion, and we move faster. And thankfully the horse hasn't decide to attack me.

We make camp and Cassandra says this is the last time we'll be able to stop close to water, so we take the opportunity to wash everything, fill the waterskins and clean ourselves. I dread the next days... how am I supposed to be clean? Do I just stay dirty? The Hinterlands isn't as cold as Haven and a bath ends up being necessary or I feel uncomfortable. They try to get me to talk but I don't say much. I stick to my books, studying them now that I can read and finally understand what is what.

 

This night in the Fade at least is nicer. Kindness brings someone new. I can't really describe what I feel when I see that tall elf in front of me. He looks young, and is very well dressed... and... formal. I got no idea who he might be.

“Hello, Grace.” She says. “This is my friend I told you about. Inspiration, this is Grace.”

“Oh! It's very nice to finally meet you.” I say with a smile. Inspiration... I've been lacking it for years now... why would he feel comfortable with me?

“Hello. I observed you earlier and I agree with Kindness. I believe you will need my help.”

“Well, I guess I do need as much help as I can get. But... how exactly can you help me? And... I haven't been really inspired lately... why would you want to see me?”

“Kindness talked a lot about you. How you want to help others, but also how you struggle to do what you have to do. She asked my help and so I decided to watch you. I can feel inside you that you were once blessed with inspiration, but you let it go.”

“As many other things, I did.”

“I can help you bring it back, if you want. But it will require effort from you. You let yourself be taken by sadness too easily. That is not good.”

“I... know. It's just too hard sometimes.”

“Love can help you control those emotions.” Kindness says. “Can you take the next nights to work with her?”

“I guess? I mean, I don't think there should be anything in the way.”

“Observing you today I felt your worry towards an encounter that you will have soon.” He says. “Should you accept my help, I can guide you through that.”

“Oh... inspiring me to say the right things...” He nods. “I thought you worked with creative matters.”

“I can inspire your creativity, but I don't embody it. I have a friend of Creativity however. Should you prove yourself worthy, I could introduce you.” He is even more serious than Love...

“Of course, I understand.”

“He would like to meet you,” he says while looking at my castle, “but I will not encourage him to unless you learn to control your emotions. He can be quite sensitive and I do not want to risk his integrity.”

“I understand perfectly.”

“I will test you in the following days. Whenever you feel in need of guidance focus your thoughts towards the Fade and I will try to help you. But if you don't open yourself to me, I will not be able to reach you.”

“Thank you very much. I don't understand how I can be deserving of so much help from you all, but I'm really thankful.”

“You have a really powerful energy,” Kindness says, “and if you do not guide it right, bad things would happen. We want what is best for you.”

“Powerful energy? Me?”

“Yes. With training you will see.” She says with a smile. “Grace, don't let yourself into that shell again. Nothing good will come of it. Let your friends in.”

“I.. I didn't feel like talking..”

“You don't need to talk, but don't close yourself. Think good things, my friend. Let the light fill you.”

“I'll try harder. Thank you.”

“We must go now.” Inspiration says. “Remember what I told you. Focus towards the Fade and I'll try to help you. And think good things.”

“See you next time.” I smile and they leave. I sigh. Can I handle this?

I sit down and enjoy the time left among the wisps and the calmness of the beach. I never thought I would spend so much time on a beach, but here the sun is gentle, the sand is nice and the breeze and sound are awesome. I love this place.

 

Cassandra wakes me up to start another day. I make my own tea so I don't have to bother Solas and I stay quiet most of the time. I pay attention to what they are talking at least: Varric is complaining about spending time in a ship, remembering the time when he made the way with Cassandra when she arrested him.

We follow the road and I notice the clouds turning darker the further we go. I don't want to be under rain. I  _ can't _ be under rain. I see a green light on the corner of my eye and we move to the rift. Nobody had reported rifts along the road so this might be something recent. I take the chance to use Veil Strike and I can only say it’s awesome to use it. The demons are pushed towards the ground, the ones who don't die are stunned so they become easy targets for the others. I close the rift and the recoil is not so strong. I wonder if I'm stronger or if it has anything to do with my health being better.

 

“I hope it doesn't rain.” I say when we are back on the road.

“I definitely don't want to get wet.” Varric says.

“If I'm under the rain for even a minute I get sick.” I say looking at the sky, worried. I sigh.

“Your health is really fragile.” Cassandra says and I can only agree.

“I could cast a ward on you to repel water should it rain.” Solas says and I wish I could look at him, but I don't dare look back. I'm not confident to turn my body while on a horse.

“That would help immensely Solas, thank you.”

“Can I get one too?” Varric says.

“If I can spare the energy, of course Varric.”

“I hope you can.”

We continue until it's time to stop for lunch. Since water is no longer easily available the food is simply roasted. No more soup or creams, which I miss. I like crunchy food so it's not that bad in the end, though.

I take the time to add the last details to Varric's portrait and Cassandra sees. I never liked being watched while drawing but I try not to mind it.

“I did not know you could draw.” She says and Varric chuckles from the other side.

“She can draw pretty well, and I wouldn't doubt if she was hiding some other talent from us, Seeker.” He says.

“I wonder why you are drawing Varric, though.” She says... disgusted? I laugh.

“Oh Cassandra, he has done so much for me, this is my way of showing how much I appreciate it.”

“Oh is that my portrait? Are you finishing it?” He asks excited.

“Yes, Varric. Almost done.”

“I must say you really are inclined to art.” Cassandra adds. “I cannot say much about the subject, but the work is beautiful.”

“Hey Seeker there's no need to be mean!”

“Would you want me to draw you, Cassandra?” I look at her and she is surprised.

“Would you? I mean, I do not want to impose.” She sounds embarrassed and I laugh.

“Of course I would Cassandra.” I give her a nice smile. “I will need you to pose for me, though.”

“Oh, whenever we are in a safe place then. Maybe when we are at the inn in Val Royeaux or back in Haven.”

“Sure. When we get there.” I smile at her and go back to work on the drawing.

“Hey Crystal, what about that other one?” I freeze.

“That... I'm still thinking about it, Varric.” I say without taking my eyes from the sheet and he sighs.

“It is a beautiful work, indeed.” I gasp at the voice so close to me. Damn this silent man.

“Thank you, Solas.”

“You sing, you draw, you sculpt. Is there any other talent you hide?” Solas says, behind me, so close.

“I... write.”

“Wait, you sculpt?” Varric asks. “I didn't know that. And wait, you write too?”

“I have been working on a sand castle in the Fade, Varric. And yes, I write stories. Not that I ever finished one.”

“Woa... how did you find time to learn all that?”

“I guess I had time? Maybe because I was always stuck inside the house.”

“I suppose that makes sense. Should I worry about you becoming a rival in the publishing business?”

“Heh, no. Don't worry. I don't think I will ever write again.”

“Why not?” Cassandra asks.

“Well... let's just say that I lost everything I had worked on, I don't want to start them over... and... there is just too much work for me at the moment.” Plus I don't have a computer here and writing by hand is a pain.. literally.

They observe me doing the last strokes and then I sign the corner of the work. I go to Varric and hand it to him with a smile.

“Thank you for everything you've done for me, Varric. I hope you like it.”

“Woa Crystal. This is beautiful! Thank you! Can I use it for my books? It sure is better than the picture they have of me there.”

“It is yours, Varric. Do whatever you want with it. But it would be an honor to have my drawing in your books.” I smile.

“Consider it done! I'll send a note to my editor and see how we can get this done.”

I put the slate and the other materials in my bag and then lay down to rest some more. The tea soothed some of the pain but it still hurts a lot.

We get back on the road after some minutes and thankfully the dark clouds are not on the way we are heading to anymore; the wind making sure to push them the other way. After some time on the road, everyone in silence, I have the urge to sing. It's been quite some time since I last sang and I miss it, but I can't remember a song. Instead of succumbing to frustration I remember Inspiration's words: “Open yourself to me and I will help you.” So I try to focus on the Fade and hope that he can feel my call.

Some minutes pass and I start feeling warm, it's nice. It's not much later that I remember a song that I always thought to be so beautiful and I start singing it:

“All alone... wishing on stars... waiting for you... to find me. One sweet night... I knew I would see... a stranger who'd be... my friend. When someone in the dark reaches out to you and touches off a spark that comes shining through... it tells you... never be afraid. When somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow, a light to keep you warm when the night winds blow... like it was written in the stars, I knew. My friend, my someone in the dark, was you. Thank... you.”

“Promise me... we'll always be... walking the world... together. Hand in hand... where dreams never end... my star secret friend and me. When someone in the dark reaches out to you and touches off a spark that comes shining through... it tells you... never be afraid. When somewhere in your heart you can feel the glow... a light to keep you warm when the night winds blow... look for the rainbow in the sky.”

“Oh I believe you and I could never really say goodbye. Wherever you may be, I'll look up and see, someone in the dark for me. Wherever you may be, I'll look up and see, someone in the dark... for... me.”

This song only increases the warm feeling I feel and I try to send back a thank you. I feel much better after singing.

“How come I have never heard the songs you sing?” Varric asks.

“Well, I don't know. Maybe the people I came across aren't famous enough or they don't travel the places you go.”

“That is a beautiful song.” Solas says.

“It is beautiful, but it makes me uncomfortable that someone would think making friends with a being from a dark place would be a good idea.” Cassandra says. “It reminds me of demons.”

“I have friends that are spirits and I think it’s great Cassandra. If only you were not so afraid of them I would introduce them to you. I'm sure you would get along.” I can only imagine how much Cassandra would love the conversations with Love. I bet Love could tell her great tales of romance... and Kindness would like her efforts to work towards good.

“Thank you but I prefer to stay away, Grace.” I shrug.

“Your loss, really.”

“Got another unknown song, Crystal?”

“Hmm... let me think.” I try to get help from Inspiration again. “I might need some minutes... my memory is not that great, you know.”

“Sure, take your time.”

Inspiration embraces me with a song that I never thought I would be able to sing without the song playing on the background: “May it be... an evening star... shines down upon you. May it be... when darkness falls... your heart will be true. You walk a lonely road... oh how far you are... from home.” I'm surprised to have the translated words come through me instead of the original ones, but I don't break the song.

“Darkness... has come... Believe and you will find your way. Darkness... has fallen. A promise lives within you... now.”

“May it be the shadows call... will fly away. May it be your journey on... to light the day. When the night is overcome... you may rise to find the sun.”

“Darkness... has come... Believe and you will find your way. Darkness... has fallen. A promise lives within you... now. A promise lives with you... now.”

“Got to wonder what it is with you and darkness and stars today.” Varric says with a chuckle. “Nice song, though.”

“Well, those are the ones that came to me. It's been a long time since I last sang them.”

“Do you know many songs?” Cassandra asks.

“I... guess I can say that I've listened to many, but I may not remember even half of them.”

“I see. Well, I would like to listen to them if you feel like singing. They seem to be much better than the tavern songs we are used to.”

“Or the tales.” Varric adds. “I think we all would like to listen to you.”

“Well... sure then. If I remember any other.”

 

We continue a bit longer and Inspiration helps me with another one. Another song that I never thought I could sing without it playing on the background. I suppose Inspiration works as my background music.

“Someone told me long ago... there's a calm before the storm. I know, it's been coming for some time. When it's over, so they say, It will rain a sunny day. I know, shining down like water.”

“I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain... coming down on a sunny day?”

“Yesterday and days before... sun is cold and rain is hard. I know, been that way for all my time. 'Till forever on it goes... through the circle, fast and slow... I know, it can't stop, I wonder.”

“I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain... coming down on a sunny day? I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain? I wanna know... have you ever seen the rain.... coming down on a sunny day?”

“I hope we don't see that rain.” Varric says and I laugh.

“So do I Varric, so do I.”

 

We continue in silence and make camp after a few hours. Cassandra says tomorrow we make it to Jader so we can finally get into the ship to Val Royeaux.

I'm sitting by the fire waiting for my tea to cool when Solas sits down beside me.

“Those songs you sang today, I noticed you had help.” I look at him with an eyebrow raised and I can't read his expression.

“What do you mean?”

“I felt you reaching for the Fade.” Is he analyzing me?

“I did, yes. Inspiration told me he could help me if I reached for his help.” He raises both eyebrows and I chuckle. “Why does my relationship with the spirits still surprise you?”

“I suppose it should not at this point. However it seems old habits are hard to let go.”

“Unfortunately they are.” I say, looking at the tea, more to myself than to him.

“When did you meet Inspiration?”

“Yesterday. Do you want to meet him?”

“I do. However I believe you have to work with Love and I should not get in the way. I can wait.”

“Well, I'll let you know if I get some time off.” I smirk and he shakes his head with a smile, which makes me give him a big smile.

“Do you have more drawings? I find myself curious to see what you can do.”

“I have... two more, so far. I... I'll get them. Hold this for me?” I hand him the cup and go get the slate in my bag, when I'm coming back I see Varric with a smile and motioning with his head towards Solas. I shake my head and he insists. I sigh. Should I? I sit down and place the slate on my lap.

“I took the liberty of cooling it a little for you.” He hands me back the cup.

“Thank you, Solas. You didn't have to.”

“The sooner you drink, the sooner your pain fades, if only a little. Do not worry.”

“Well... I... er...” I sip some of the tea. “This one is not finished yet.” I hand him the landscape from Haven. He takes and analyzes it. I drink some more of the tea. Should I give it to him? What will he think? I sigh.

“It is very good. I believe it will be impressive when it is complete.” He gives it back. “What is the other one? If you do not mind? I can see you are nervous. Do you not want to show me?”

“That... that's not it... it's just...” I sigh and drink the rest of the tea, setting it down. I take a deep breath, collect the papers and get his portrait from the bottom, without letting him see. I look at Varric and he is looking at me with a ‘go on girl’ kind of face. Cassandra is confused, it seems. I look at Solas and he seems to be confused now too. I sigh. “I am unsure, I don't know what you're going to think... but...” I hand it to him topside down, he tilts his head. “I made this for you... as thank you. For everything you've done for me.”

He takes the sheet from me and turns it around. His expression immediately turns to surprise. He spends a good minute looking at it and I don't know what to do with myself. I can barely hear Cassandra saying something to Varric.

“You made me... a portrait?” He finally says, still looking at the drawing.

“Y-yes. Do you... er... like it?”

“I do.” He looks at me, surprise still on his face. “This is unexpected. Thank you.”

“You're very welcome, Solas.” I give him a smile.

“And she didn't even need you to pose for her!” Varric says and I want to kill him then. Solas chuckles.

“Indeed you did not.”

“I... er... I'm going to sleep. Good night everyone.” I say without looking at any of them and go into the tent hoping not to see him in the Fade tonight. Why am I like this? Always so embarrassed... Urgh...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Someone in the Dark - Michael Jackson  
> May it Be - Enya  
> Have You Ever Seen the Rain - Creedence Clearwater Revival


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 14.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Thank you all for the nice comments and kudos <3 It's very nice to see you enjoy the story and know your thoughts about it!

It doesn't take long for Love to arrive. Her energy feels so good. I think I'm never in danger of falling into bad thoughts with her around.

“Hello.” She says and comes sit beside me.

“Hey.” I give her a smile.

“Why are you ashamed of feelings?” I guess she saw my conversation with Solas...

“I... don't know. I remember when I was a kid I was free with my emotions and desires. At some point I closed myself to the world. I don't know what happened. I don't remember. And whenever I wanted to tell someone I liked them I sort of felt it was wrong to do so. And that people shouldn't know what I felt.”

“When you keep it inside, it suffocates you.” I nod. “Eventually you overflow because your feelings are intense.” I nod and sigh.

“That's exactly what happens.”

“You like feeling but are ashamed. I do not understand. Have you thought about that question?”

“I have. And I think my mother's at fault. The way she raised me, always telling me whatever I did wasn't good enough made me never acknowledge something I did as good or important.”

“But why do you think it's important when other people do those things?”

“I...” I take a deep breath, trying to find an answer. “I acknowledge their efforts, and the good they do, be it to themselves or towards others.”

“Can you not see the good  **you** do? That you also improve?”

“People have told me that I do good things, that I'm good. But...” I sigh, “I guess I don't believe it. Really don't. I can see when I improve my skills at least.”

“But that still is not enough to have you love yourself, is it?”

“No...”

“Why?”

“I...” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I try to focus inside myself and I think Love is guiding me somehow. “I... I think I hate my need to be acknowledged by others. And because I don't believe what they say is true, because I already hate myself, I'm never happy with anything I do.”

“Why do you need approval from others?”

“Maybe because I was taught that nothing ever was good enough?”

“Close your eyes, Grace.” I do and she continues. “Do not think about anything, just feel. Search yourself for your feelings. The good ones. What do you find?”

I stay silent for some time. Just searching. I start worrying that maybe my short time in the Fade wouldn't be enough for this lesson, but I try to ignore thoughts. Just feel. I try to. I take a deep breath and I'm embraced by the calmness of the beach and her warm energy. I look inside myself.

“I feel... hope. And... love? Is it my love or yours?”

“I'm not influencing you. That is your own. Why do you feel hope?”

“Hope... for days when I can learn more, when things will be good and peaceful.”

“And that love? Why is it there? What do you love?”

I feel the love burning inside my chest. It’s a lot of pressure, as if it wanted to be spread towards everything around me. I guess love really isn't a selfish thing.

“I love... life? Everything?”

“If you love everything why are you not included in it?”

“Because I don't deserve it?” I open my eyes then.

“And why do you think you do not deserve it?”

“Because... I'm not good enough?” She sighs.

“We are back at the beginning. And I thought you were making progress. But maybe this is something that will need more time to work through.” She puts her hand over mine. “Grace, whenever you do something, think about it. See what you are doing. Watch your friends, see their worry towards you. See that they care. Because you matter. See what they love in you and think if you should really fight so hard to accept it.”

“I will try to do that.” She squeezes my hand softly and removes hers from mine.

“We will continue next time you come. Think only good things.”

“I will try. See you, Love.” She nods and disappears.

 

Cassandra wakes me up not much time later. While I'm dressing back in armor she surprises me with a question:

“Why do you get so embarrassed with Solas?” She says in a low voice. Not enough to be a whisper but I think she doesn't want the others to hear either.

“What... why are you asking that?”

“I noticed it happens often. And yesterday it was too obvious.”

“I... er...”

“If you are not comfortable with the topic it's fine. But... if I see it right, do you like him? I mean, you could even draw him without looking at him. These are hard times, good feelings should be treasured, not hidden.”

“Heh... you sound like my spirit friends, Cassandra.” Her eyes go wide. “Really, you do.”

“I suppose your friends may not be so bad then.”

“They are great. You know, you seek truth, right?” She nods. “Open your mind to the possibility that spirits are good too.” I give her a smile but she frowns. “Just, think about it.”

“I'll... keep your suggestion in mind. And I suppose you are not answering my question?”

“Er...” I chuckle and I think I blush, but I don't think she could see it inside the tent. “I get embarrassed because I'm not used to expressing feelings, and I always expect it to backfire when I do. I have been through too many rejections. But I do like him. He has helped me a lot.”

“You know that's not what I mean.”

“So Cassandra wants girly gossip.” I smirk.

“I... er... it's just...” She sighs. “I'm a romantic as much as I hate to admit it and I like the possibility that love may bloom in all this madness. And you deserve it.”

“Thank you, Cassandra.” I sigh. Should I tell her? Well... Varric knows... what's one more? I bet Solas already guessed as much too... “I do...” I say in a lower voice, “but I don't think I have any chance of it being reciprocated.”

“Give it time.” She holds my hand with a smile. “As he gets to know you better he might not want to lose the chance.”

“Heh... I would like to see that day.”

We finish changing and get out of the tent to eat. I'm still embarrassed when I see Solas. Maybe it was a mistake to give him the drawing? But he was so happy to see it... And hell... I'd do  **anything** to see him happy... I sigh. I make more tea, because everything hurts and I just stay quiet while they talk about what is to be expected in Jader. There shouldn't be any troubles there it seems.

 

Hours on the road and we come across some highwaymen. I wonder why these people are so stupid because they never listen. I would say it's Cassandra that has bad social skills, but even Varric can't manage to dissuade the men from engaging. So what happens is that we fight, and they die. The horses get spooked but they are retrieved after a few minutes. We don't get anything useful from the bandits, but they had some money, which we split. The bodies are burned and we continue on our way.

“Do you think they could try to arrest us when we get to Val Royeaux?” I ask them. Cassandra answers.

“They would want to, but they cannot. We have the writ from the Divine that protects us for as long as the Inquisition stands.”

“At least  _ something _ is on our side.”

“Why are you so worried about it?” Varric asks.

“I don't like religion figures, specially the blind ones, which I guess is the majority. Anyway, these Mothers are spreading fear instead of helping people. They won't listen to us. They want to keep power in their hands, and since it’s slipping from their grasp they are scared, and they try to keep people to them through fear.” I can only imagine the amount of fear demons that are feeding from those people... If it's only one it must be quite the fat one... I shudder, remembering the Nightmare demon. I'm so screwed. “And I worry about what they would do to keep that power once we show up.”

“They are not  **that** stupid.” Varric says. “Declaring war against the only force that is trying to fix this mess would turn everybody against them.”

“Heh... that wouldn't be a bad thing, considering how rotten the Chantry is.”

“The Chantry is going through a hard time, it is true, but it is important. It helps more than it harms, faith is always important.” Cassandra says and I probably got her disapproval... Oh well... I'm not agreeing with the Chantry just so she can like me... the Chantry needs to change at least... but if it was up to me it would be ended.

“Too many people have been killed in the name of faith, Cassandra. Misguided religion is something that should never be allowed to exist.”

“And what would you suggest? To end the Chantry?” Varric asks.

“I wouldn't mind. But that would leave too many people lost, because they are too used to the leash.” I can only imagine how pissed off Cassandra must be... I can only hope that she can see past these disagreements. “So what I would suggest is that it be cleansed. That only people who really want to help despite origins would stay. And that everybody needing guidance would be accepted. And that whatever knowledge the Chantry has should be spread. The Chantry has collected too much information along the times and changed it to fit their own interests. It has changed history when it didn’t look good in their eyes. And above everything, it had killed directly and indirectly those who it casts as offending. Mages suffered too much for something that it's the Chantry's own fault they don't understand. In their ignorance they kept and hid every sort of knowledge that could have helped the mages, but instead they chose to lock and chain them to a rotten system, that only got worse throughout time. The Chantry has attacked the elves because they wouldn't acknowledge Andraste. Those things aren't right, there is no way someone good would be blind to that, or agree with it.”

“I... see your point.” Cassandra says. “Those are indeed awful things, even though I wonder where you could have heard about them. I am glad, however, that you see the need for the Chantry to be a guide to those who need it. I hope we can find a way to make it what it should be.”

“So do I, Cassandra. As for where I got that information... well... I had time to read and listen to people.”

“You are so quiet usually and then you come and throw all these hard topics.” Varric says. “I wish I could understand how your mind works.”

“I think too much, Varric. That's what happens.”

“I'm starting to believe writing about you will be even harder than I thought.”

“Oh I don't know. But remember that it was  **your** idea.” I chuckle. I wonder how Solas sees the world at this point.

 

We stop for lunch and to my surprise Solas comes sit beside me while I lay on the grass, trying to rest my back after drinking the tea.

“I know I should not be surprised by anything anymore at this point, but once again you surprised me with your opinion of the Chantry. I already knew you did not agree with it, but to suggest that it be changed as you did, that was unexpected.”

“What is your opinion on this, Solas?” I ask him and he looks at the sky.

“I believe it is somewhat similar to yours. The Chantry should be able to help, but it cannot in the way it is at the moment. It should be changed.”

“Changed, not ended?”

“As you said, people are too used to the... 'leash'. People fall into despair when ripped away from what they believe is their foundation. It would only cause chaos. And there is too much chaos already.”

“I think that is similar to what the spirits feel when they are summoned here, isn't it?” He looks at me then, no idea what expression is that.

“They indeed go through the shock of the change. And if forced against their nature, they go mad and become corrupted.”

“It is really sad. Is there a way to protect a spirit from being summoned?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because... well... we have spirit friends, I don't want them to be summoned to do something against their nature and be corrupted.”

“Unfortunately I don’t know of anything that could do that. Other than have the spirit be far away from the summoner.”

“I see. I hope they stay safe.” I sigh.

“You really worry about them?”

“Of course I do. They know me better than anyone, they are like family at this point.  **Real** family... the kind I never had.” His eyes go wide.

“I did not expect that.”

“Clearly.” I sigh. “Say, Solas... now that I can read common... will you teach me elvhen?”

“So you remember what I said.”

“Pff... my memory is bad but I remember everything you say.”

“Oh is that so?” I think I blush and I turn to look at the sky. He laughs. The sound of him laughing is so good... oh god...

“It is. So... will you?”

“After this matter in Val Royeaux is concluded.”

“You just keep postponing my lesson. I'm starting to believe you don't want me to know it.”

“It is a complex language. You will need focus to learn it. At this point you already have too many things requiring your attention.”

“Hm. I see. Well, after Val Royeaux then.”

“Has the mark given you any trouble?” He asks after a while.

“No. And the other day I think it helped soothe the pain on my wrist.”

“That... is unexpected.”

“Heh, that word is a lot on your mouth today. But yes, it is. But still, who can say what it could do, right? An ancient magic capable of controlling the Veil could only be fully comprehended by something as ancient, I guess. Even you, an expert on the Fade, said that you've never seen power like it before.”

“Indeed.”

“Have you found any ancient magic that could help me?”

“Not yet, no. There is only so much I can research from the locations we have been to and the spirits I could consult with are far away because of the Breach.”

“I hope I won't need any sort of powerful healing.”

“You should hope you will not need any healing at all.”

“Heh, that would be asking too much.”

We fall into silence and Cassandra calls off the break after some minutes. We continue on the road even after night falls. Cassandra says we should get to Jader soon. Turns out her ‘soon’ was still a few more hours, but we make it there. We leave the horses in the stables and head for the tavern, in hopes of getting rooms. Sadly, though, there was only one room available because too many people were using Jader to go across, and because of the recent attacks the ships were only sailing during the day, which caused people to have to stay over.

Got to say that having to use a public latrine is the worst experience I have ever had. I almost want to leave the tavern and go do my stuff outside, but that would be irresponsible. I close my eyes to try and ignore my surroundings but hell, it’s  **hard** . The good thing is that I get to have a bath in the bedroom. Warm bath. My first bath in a bathtub. After we all eat I take the bath first, then Solas clears the water and summons more for Cassandra, then last for Varric. Solas cleans himself with magic. The ones not taking a bath wait outside the bedroom.

“Thank you very much for doing this for us, Solas.” I tell him while Varric is inside and he nods. “How can you use magic to clean yourself? I could certainly use that.”

“It is by using the Fade's energy to agitate the air and water in the air to clean. It is not complicated, but it requires focus.”

“Focus... what doesn't require focus?” I sigh. “Could you use that spell on me next time we don't have access to water?”

“I could, however I am not sure you would want me to. It is rather... intimate.”

“What? How? Don't you just cast the spell and it’s done?”

“Not really, no. Were you not so sensitive you might have only felt a tingling, but considering how sensitive you are to magic, you would feel the brush of energy on every surface of your body.”

“Oh...” I look to the floor. “I see. Yeah... Better not...” I would love to but it would be too damn awkward. He chuckles.

“Can you teach it to me when we are back in Haven?”

“I can try. How is your focus?” I can almost imagine a smirk on his face saying this.

“Better... but... could be better.”

“Then I suggest you work harder on it.”

“I will.”

We fall into silence and I wonder what Cassandra could be thinking about this conversation. We go inside after Varric is done and they give me the bed, while they sleep on the floor on their bedrolls. I feel bad for them, but considering how my whole body hurts I appreciate being able to sleep on a bed. The room is not too big but it works.

I wonder, though, how Solas can sleep in the same tent with Varric. He snores and I can't sleep with someone snoring. I don't sleep properly and when it's time to wake up I was already awake. At some point I just gave up sleeping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd share that Haven is buried now, but things went a little different from what happens in the game, I hope you enjoy it when the time comes!


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get to Val Royeaux, meet the Mothers and Grace gets a dress to meet Vivienne.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 14.05.2018 - updated version.)

I watch everyone rising from their bedrolls eventually. Got to admit I admired Solas sleeping form for hours. The faint light from the moon coming through the window helped me do it. Cassandra's expression when she sees me awake when she comes up to wake me up is priceless.

“How are you awake?” She asks me.

“I don't think I slept, Cassandra. Maybe I managed some naps along the night.” I laugh at her shocked expression. “I can't sleep with someone snoring.”

“Snoring? Who was?” She asks and I can't believe she didn't hear it.

“Varric. Solas, how do you manage to sleep with him?”

“Years of practice.” He answers while packing his stuff. “I can go to the Fade easily.”

“You should teach me how...” He looks at me then, serious.

“You need to work on your focus first.” I sigh.

“Hey Crystal, I'm sorry you didn't get to sleep because of me.”

“It's alright Varric. I know it can't be helped. My parents used to snore.” I try to stretch my body and almost get a cramp on my shoulder. “It sucks that I'll be sleepy all day, though.”

“You probably can sleep in the ship.” Cassandra says.

“Yea, probably.”

We go downstairs and head to the docks, only to find out that we wouldn't be able to travel today. The ship leaving was a small one and already at full capacity, we would need to wait for tomorrow, because the one coming from Val Royeaux would only leave again the next day.

Having nothing to do but wait, we decide to explore the village. I ask Varric to check the merchants for supplies for Haven and they don't have the rare herbs. I buy more pencils and a case to protect my supplies. It's added weight but it's something that I'm willing to carry. We also buy more food for traveling, including some cereal bars that I can eat while on horse. I love nuts and cereals so this is awesome for me.

I notice some people look at me weird because of my hat but I don't care. Some people say offensive things because they agree with the Chantry that I am evil, and others believe I'm their savior. It's quite weird to be the target of such mixed opinions.

Eventually we make our way back to the tavern for lunch and thankfully this time, since most people left, we get separate rooms. Varric comments on how eating in a tavern feels like we are back in Haven, but with the added benefit of peace because most people don't recognize him. The really good thing about eating in a tavern so close to the sea is that I get to eat fish.

After we eat I go back to the docks to draw, accompanied by Cassandra and Solas. Varric decides to go around to do some business. Cassandra and Solas go through some banter when they aren't paying attention to what I'm doing. I'm trying to draw the pier downstairs and because I haven't really drawn boats before it is quite hard. Eventually I remember Inspiration saying that he could help me with my creativity and I try to reach him for help. It's not surprising when I get ‘ideas’ about how to make the drawing better. Solas doesn't comment on it, even though I'm pretty sure he noticed since he talked about it before. I wonder if what I'm doing is anything similar to what the Avaars do.

Eventually my hand starts hurting and I stop. I crack my wrist and knuckles to relax them and put my supplies in the case. I wish the smell here would be like my beach in the Fade, but it's not too bad. I take a deep breath and look around. Cassandra at some point went away to talk to someone and Solas is reading a book. I decide to just enjoy the place. There is a lot of birds flying around, I assume it's because of the fishermen. When the sun is making its way down I spot a ship getting closer. I wonder if it’s the one that is coming from Val Royeaux and that we will use to leave tomorrow. When it docks I have my suspicion confirmed as a lot of people disembark, and a lot of stuff is brought out of it.

When we make it back to the tavern I decide to eat and go to bed, because I'm so damn sleepy for not having been able to sleep yesterday. They wish me good night and it doesn't take me long to go to the Fade when I lay down.

When I get there I notice the wisps seem to continue on their change, whatever that is. I also notice that it’s not all of them. I take a deep breath, enjoying the clear air, and wet my feet. It's not long until I feel both Love and Inspiration.

“Hello.” They say and I greet them with a smile.

“Thank you for all the help you have been giving me, Inspiration.”

“You are welcome. I am happy to see you could focus on me when you needed, and that you kept good thoughts.” He says with a smile. I think it’s the first time I see him smiling. He is quite handsome, I must say.

“I suppose it's easier when things are calm.”

“I'm not staying long.” He says. “I just came to let you know that if you continue on this path, I will introduce Creativity to you soon; and I’ll be able to help you further.”

“I'll try my best to keep bad thoughts away.”

“Good. I will let you work with Love now. Goodbye.”

“Bye, Inspiration.” I give him a smile and he disappears.

Love sits down and motions me to sit in front of her. I do so and she holds both my hands.

“We will work on your focus today.” Before I can say anything she continues. “It will help you search for the answers you need. If you do not get distracted as easily you can search better.”

“That's true. What am I to do?”

“I will help you meditate.”

And that she does. She instructs me on breathing and how to keep random thoughts away from my mind. Guiding me when I needed help through it to be able to focus more easily. We stay on it until it is almost time for me to wake up. She then says goodbye and I enjoy the beach for a few minutes before a knock on the door wakes me up.

If I was always rested in Haven, that is not something that happens when I'm traveling. I always need someone to wake me up, and I still feel a bit tired.

I go through my routine and pack my stuff, leaving for the ship after we collect the horses. It sucks to be told that I wouldn't be able to stay on the deck. That meant only one thing: I will be sick in less than five minutes. I need fresh air  **always** or I feel sick. Even though I haven't eaten anything because I assumed it would make me throw up, my guess turns to be true when it's not long after we settle that I start feeling sick. If I can't have access to fresh air there is only one thing that could help me: sleep. I try to fall asleep but there is too much noise, and suddenly I have to puke. Cassandra leads me away to throw up and when I get back I beg Solas to put me to sleep. He is reluctant at first, but after I explain the situation, with the weakest voice I had in weeks, he agrees. I'm sent to a dreamless sleep then.

 

Solas wakes me up when it's time for us to leave. Thankfully they waited until the ship was already docked or I'm sure I would have thrown up again while waiting for it to dock. We collect our stuff and horses and leave.

I have to admit that Val Royeaux is a beautiful place, even if the people are rotten. We make the way through stone roads with pretty lamp posts on the sides that have not been lit yet. There should be a few hours left of sunlight.

“Where are the Mothers supposed to be?” I ask Cassandra.

“We were told they are doing constant reunions in the Chantry, we should go there in the morning.” She says and I nod.

We make our way to the inn that Josephine arranged for us and it's clear how people don't enjoy the presence of elves. I have to hold myself not to make a scene, after all, I don't have power yet to demand anything. Cassandra is nice enough to understand my wish and tells the innkeeper not to treat Solas any differently than us. I thank her, of course.

As this is a much nicer place than the tavern in Jader, I didn't need Solas' help to take my bath. The bed is also much softer; I try it a little before going downstairs for dinner. The food is also delicious, even though I don't know if it's because it is actually good or because I'm starving, considering I haven't eaten  **anything** yet. I think it's probably both.

We discuss some possible strategies to talk to the Mothers, but I'm very uneasy about the whole situation. I really hope Inspiration can help me with it. I wonder if the Templars can tell when I connect to the Fade to get help. If they can, I dread what would happen. I seriously hope they can't.

After eating I head back to my room, hoping to get some quality sleep. Love goes through another session of meditation techniques but I still have difficulty concentrating. I wake up feeling rested at least. My body still hurts, as it is expected, but it’s bearable and I don't need tea.

We leave the inn hoping to make it to the Chantry, but are surprised by the sight of a group of Mothers doing exactly what they do in game. I sigh. I was really hoping this could be different, but I think in the end it’s actually better this way, since a lot of people can see what happens. And there is  **a lot** of people in the square.

The mad woman sees us the moment we step out and cries out to everyone in such drama that I want to roll my eyes in disgust. Varric nudges my hand; I assume he noticed my distress and considering he knows how I hate the way they lead religion, I think he expects me to cause a scene, even knowing that I am shy. I take a deep breath and we move closer to them. People make way for us and I don't know if they are afraid or curious about what is to happen. I assume probably both.

I try to reach for Inspiration, to guide me through the best course of dialogue in this situation. Thankfully he was ready for me.

“We are not here to cause chaos, we are here to show that we are willing to help fix the chaos that is breeding everywhere.” I turn towards the people then, ignoring the face of the mad woman. “While the Chantry tries to settle fear in your hearts, trying to push you against the only force willing to close the Breach and help, we have soldiers risking their lives to help refugees and dealing with threats, both from demons and from people driven mad by the chaos. We are here to let you all know that you can have hope. We are helping everyone in need.” I turn then to the Mothers on the platform. “You should remember Andraste's teachings and be ashamed of your actions. You're not providing any help by trying to turn away support for the people who are actually trying to help.”

The leader of the Mothers opened her mouth to speak, but then she spotted something that I turned my head to see and I should not be surprised, but I am, when I see a group of Templars approaching. The Lord Seeker, I assume, for his armor is completely different than the others, doesn't hit the old woman in the head, instead he pushes her away, with such force that she hits the wall behind and falls down, unconscious. I can't bring myself to feel sorry for her, though. What I try to do is to bring sense into the head of the Templars.

“I know some among the Order don't agree with this. Help us do what is right, help us fix the threat that is the Breach and help the people. Your leader would hit an unarmed old woman, search within your heart if that is something you truly agree with. The Inquisition is open to anyone who is willing to help.”

Lord Seeker tries to discredit us, of course, that is completely expected, and Cassandra tries to reach for his sense. Because that is not the man who she once knew, she doesn't recognize his actions. It's sad that I can't tell her the truth. I can only hope that Leliana was able to get people out of the place, because I'm not going to rescue Templars.

After the Templars make their way out of the square, Cassandra goes to the Mothers, trying to check on the unconscious woman and talk to the others. I am approached by a man, handing me a note. I check what is written and it is the damn invitation to talk to Vivienne. Urgh... I hate that woman...

“You surprised me Crystal, where did all that come from? For someone who is always so shy among strangers you did great.”

“I had help, Varric.” I look at Solas and he nods with a smile.

“Help?” He looks confused.

“Yes.” I say then close to his ear so nobody around would hear and misunderstand. “From my spirit friend.”

“Oh. They do help you a lot, huh?” I can feel some uneasiness in his tone.

“They do, Varric. I wonder what I did to deserve it.” I give him a weak smile.

Cassandra comes back and she is also surprised by my speech. I tell her what I told Varric and of course her question would be “Are you sure that is safe?” I tell her that she doesn't have anything to fear from Inspiration and she seems to accept that spirits can indeed help as much as demons can cause harm.

I tell them about the note and Cassandra has heard of Vivienne, and says that her house is the last place she would want to go. I know Cassandra hates court bullshit and it’s so clear in her disgusted tone.

“I really don't want to go there...” I tell them. “Nobles can be too annoying... I don't know how to deal with them.”

“I suppose you could have your friend help you?” Varric says.

“I suppose. I would still hate it all the same, though. But I think she can be useful for the Inquisition if she works with Josephine.” I sigh. “Why does everyone want to talk to the Herald of Andraste? Why not the Right Hand of the Divine? It's clear you have more power than me, Cassandra.”

“I cannot close rifts, Grace. I didn't come out of one. I don't have a mark on my hand.” I sigh defeated.

“Fine. Can I bring someone with me?”

“Here it says that it's only for you.” Varric says. “It wouldn't be right for you to bring a plus one.”

“Urgh... Damn. Shit.”

“We can't have you going to that kind of meeting with armor or the casual clothes you have, though.” Cassandra says. “As much as I hate to admit, we need to get you something better.”

“I wouldn't mind a dress to be honest... it's been a long time since I wore one. This damn meeting might be useful in the end. Can I have heels?” I am suddenly excited and Cassandra looks at Varric with a funny surprised face and he looks at her with the same expression; until she realizes what she is doing and then shakes her head with disgust. I chuckle at both of them.

“You are already tall, Crystal, you would wear heels?”

“I love heels, Varric. I don't care about my height. Oh... can it be a low cut? My breasts are tiny but showing cleavage is nice.” Varric laughs loudly and I laugh too.

“You are weird, Crystal.”

“I know.” I smile.

“We will have to see what they have and can work with in such short notice.” Cassandra says.

We make our way to a female clothing shop after telling the messenger that I will attend the meeting and they indeed don't have much to choose from since most of the dresses are made by request. The meeting is at night so I want long sleeves. My arms feel cold too easily. I could walk naked and if my arms were covered I wouldn't be cold; it's a curious thing. The only long sleeved dresses they have are a pearl and a blue one. Blue it is then, I'm too green and pearl would make me look like a ghost. I would much rather wear a purple one but we work with what we have.

They have to make the dress tighter and they cut a lower neckline, but not too much. It stops right above the cleavage in a U shape. It's decent. It hugs my waist so it highlights my hourglass form. The thin material falls from my hips in layers, it is quite beautiful. It goes down to my ankles and I get nice black high heeled shoes. When I come out from the back room everyone looks at me with wide eyes. Guess I do look pretty. I smile and turn around, making the dress dance in the air with the movement.

“You look great, Crystal.”

“Thank you, Varric.”

“That is a really beautiful dress, Grace. And it fits you very well.” Cassandra says and I thank her too.

Solas doesn't say anything. I wonder what he thinks about it but I don't ask. I don't want to look like I need his approval even though I would love if he complimented me. I go to the back room to change back into my armor and they get the dress and shoes in a pretty pack. I don't know how much money Cassandra has, but she pays for it. Since this is Inquisition's business I don't mind.

We make it back to the inn so we can eat and put the dress in the bedroom. Turns out we spent hours getting the dress ready so I don't have much time to prepare. I decide to use the hair removal thing, to make sure there aren't any stubborn hair from the last time I used it. I put on the dress and new shoes after a nice bath, brush my hair and go down to wait for the carriage that will take me to Vivienne's place. No make-up, I don't wear make-up, ever.

While I'm at the porch, waiting, Solas comes up to me.

“You look beautiful.” He says and my heart goes crazy.

“Thank you, Solas.” I smile but can't bring myself to look at him.

“Will you be fine in that meeting? I noticed you do not like to deal with women like her.”

“I will try my best. Love has been helping me to focus... I might be able to deal with it. Well, I have to.”

“Your speech was impressive this morning.”

“Inspiration helped me, I can't take the credit.”

“It might have helped you, but it cannot put words in your mouth that would not be there without its influence. Everything you said came from you, Inspiration only helped you form the sentences and gave you courage to speak.”

“If you say so, then... thank you?” He chuckles.

“I find myself wondering what kind of leader you will become with the amount of help you have amassed in such short time. With the way you deal with spirits and are so free with your thoughts and emotions.”

“Leader? I'm no leader, Solas.” I look at him, confused. I'm not the Inquisitor yet, I'm not a leader. He takes his eyes from the sky to look at me, and his eyes are so intense. I wonder what exactly he is thinking about.

“You do not realize it, but you are already leading this Inquisition. And for the way you stepped forward today to speak for the organization, people will look at you as its leader soon, if they are not already doing so.”

“That is... scary.” I sigh. “I never wanted this.”

“The best leaders are the ones who do not wish for power. And you are humble enough to listen to good advice. You are good enough to have the help of the spirits. They could not have hoped for a better leader.” I look at him, confused.

“Why are you saying all this? You are scaring me. Are you leaving or something? You never complimented me like this.”

“I am not leaving, not while the Breach is a threat.”

“So you intend on leaving?”

“I cannot stay forever.”

“I understand.” I sigh. At least I know he is staying even after the Breach is closed... at least until Corypheus is defeated... but why won't he say why he told me that? “Thank you for your words. It means a lot to me. I wonder though, why do you say I'm free with my thoughts and emotions? Have you really been paying attention?” I laugh.

“I have, and that is why I say you are. You reveal much more than you realize.”

“Oh... I hope I haven't done anything wrong by doing it then.” Have I said anything compromising? Oh god...

“I would not say it was wrong, but it might not have been what you intended.” He smirks.

“You're just teasing me, aren't you?” I raise an eyebrow.

“I believe you will become more aware of your actions as you progress in your lessons with Love.”

“I guess...” I decide not to insist, it seems like he wouldn't tell me exactly what he meant anyway. I just hope I haven't said or shown anything that would be serious or embarrassing.

The carriage arrives after a few minutes of silence and I leave to meet Vivienne.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recruiting Vivienne and Sera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 15.05.2018 - updated version.)

I observe the landscape while there is sunlight and I am amazed by its beauty: green hills reaching as far as the eye can see, pretty houses from time to time and so many beautiful trees. Occasionally I would see a group of what I believe are deers or hallas running along some hills.

After the sun sets I start admiring the dark sky, so full of stars. The carriage stops and I'm led inside the mansion’s grounds by a well dressed man at the gate. Anxiety starts hitting my stomach hard and I have to take a deep breath to try and remember Love’s teachings about calming down and focusing.

The exterior is impressive. The garden is so well kept and well lit. When I make my way inside the building I'm stunned by the beauty of the room. To think that so many rotten people infest such a pretty place... I thank the man for escorting me and I stand to the side, trying to spot Vivienne.

Unfortunately I don't see the First Enchanter and a group of women approach me. They try to confirm the gossip they have heard and I just tell them that I'm trying to help people. Apparently that is a boring answer. Despicable people.

Thankfully I'm saved by Vivienne showing up. I don't want to stay long. She tells me about her expectations for joining the Inquisition, and I tell her that her connections would be very helpful, but that I don't support her objectives towards the mages, that I don't intend on reinstating the Circles, that I wish the mages free. She is sure she'll be able to change my mind, that I’ll ‘see reason,’ but I focus my mind so we can get done with this meeting and I can be away from her soon.

I accept her help and tell her to go to Josephine when she gets to Haven. I decline her offer to stay and enjoy the party and I make my way back to the inn; sick by having had to deal with her. God... the way she speaks is tiring and annoying... I really hope I don't have to deal with her.

 

When I get back I see everyone was waiting for me. I get dinner, because I didn't eat anything at Vivienne's, while I tell them what happened and that I'm definitely leaving her for Josephine to deal with. Cassandra tells me that we are staying two more days and then we’re leaving; which is fine by me. Soft warm bed and nice food for two more days are very welcome.

 

Love compliments me for being able to keep my focus while dealing with those people and we go through yet another meditation lesson. I wonder if Solas will be happy with my focus after I get better at this.

I'm awakened by a knock on the door and I see that the sun is high, it’s probably almost noon. I get up to see Cassandra at the door. She tells me that we should go around town to get supplies and do some business. I ready myself and meet them downstairs for lunch. Varric tells me about people's opinion on the Inquisition and me. Nothing surprising. Oh and they do talk about my hat.

I ask Varric to check the merchants for supplies, handing him the paper with the herbs and off he goes, saying that he will also take the opportunity to do some business of his own and buy some stuff. He says he will meet with us at the end of the day back in the inn.

The rest of us check the enchanted accessories store but don't find anything useful. I check for staves at the weapons store but they are too expensive. Next we all go to the bookstore so I could find better study materials. Solas says none of those would actually be helpful for me. Since we could get armor in Haven we don't bother with that, but I decide we should check for casual clothes. I want more underwear and socks.

You probably wonder why I'm obsessed with socks, the reason is that my feet tend to sweat a lot inside shoes, so I need to change socks often when we are on the road. And underwear, well, the more the better. I don't wear breast bands though, I don't feel the need to; they are too tiny for me to bother with it. I would only use it if the shirt was too revealing or the kind of material that would keep brushing against the nipples and make them noticeable under the shirt. Since neither of those things happen often, I don't wear breast band. And no, I don't mind the size of my breasts, I actually like them the way they are. Me and Cassandra get more clothes, Solas doesn't appear interested in anything they have.

We go to the apothecary and I buy what I wanted the most: tangerine scented soaps, oils and creams. I'm so happy that I will finally smell the way I want to! I buy some tea leaves and Solas is happy to find that they have the ingredients needed to make my tea. Now we don't have to worry about running out of ingredients. They don't have the damn rare herbs to make the potion I need, though.

 

When we are back at the square an arrow flies by with a message. Urgh... Sera... Cassandra goes ahead to check it and says it is stupid to follow the instructions. I agree, but I say that since the places are nearby we wouldn't have much trouble checking for the things. We stop last at the bakery, and god... they do have the best cakes I have ever tasted! I don't like sweets much but I appreciate good food. Solas, of course, eats some too. After collecting all the notes we find out the place where we are supposed to go for the meeting. We go back to the inn so we can keep the stuff we bought and get Varric.

Varric agrees that we should meet with this person because he has heard of the Red Jennies and thinks they could be an asset for the Inquisition. When we are about to leave the inn, though, we are approached by an elven woman. They recognize her as Fiona and I sigh. She tells us about the meeting she would like to have with us back in Redcliffe so all the mages can be present to hear the proposal. I know exactly how it will play out but I agree to meet with her. She leaves and off to the back alley we go. Night has already fallen when we get there and every corner is badly lit.

I know I'm supposed to be hit by a fireball or something similar so I summon the Barrier as we enter the back alleys. Unless that was for effect in the game, but I'd rather not risk it. I can't be healed and I don't want to find out how it feels to be hit by a fireball.

“Are we expecting trouble?” Cassandra asks.

“It doesn't hurt to be careful.” I say and she nods.

The masked man indeed throws a fireball at me when I spot him waiting by some crates. My Barrier holds because of course I can't dodge it. Thankfully Solas had also used Barrier on the others so nobody got hurt. I see Sera shooting some men that I assume are his bodyguards while the noble talks, and god, he is annoying. Sera calls out to him and shoots him in the face. It’s a very gory sight, and even though it makes me uncomfortable, I roll my eyes at her entrance and the way she speaks. She is tiresome, I hate the way she behaves. There are no reinforcements to fight, though.

She goes about explaining who the Friends of Red Jenny are and what she's heard of the Inquisition and the Herald. Everyone except Varric seem to dislike what she does by the way she explains it, but I agree to let her help. She says she will meet with us at the inn in the morning and leaves.

“Are you sure this was a good idea, Grace? I know I told you to decide but... I don't know.” Cassandra asks.

“Well, honestly? I don't really like what she does, or what she did here. But I think she might have useful connections. The 'little people', as she puts it, are more important than most give them credit for, they can be very useful for the Inquisition, and we could give them better work conditions if the Inquisition stays for long enough.”

“You have a good point.” She says.

“I'm not looking forward to traveling with her, though.” I say and sigh. “She doesn't seem to be the kind of person I would like to deal with...”

“She seems fun.” Varric says.

“And I'm too serious, Varric. That wouldn't match.”

“You have a point. Although you could use the cheering up.”

“It's more likely that I will be pissed off than cheered up.”

“Now that's harsh, Crystal. She doesn't seem _ that _ bad.”

“I think you don't realize how grumpy I am.”

“Well, let's go back.” Cassandra says and we move out.

While we are on the way to the inn Varric tells us about the people he could recruit for the Inquisition and merchants he convinced to trade with Haven.

“Should we stop at Redcliffe before going to Haven? Since it’s on the way?” I ask.

“I suppose we could see what it is about and then report to the others.” Cassandra says.

 

We get to the inn and have dinner while discussing what could be expecting us in Redcliffe. I tell them that if we decide to help the mages that I would like them to be our allies, free from Templars watching over them. Cassandra is afraid that it would cause chaos and abominations to rise, but I once again say that all mages shouldn't be punished because some evil ones used their power to do wrong. 

“An evil person with a dagger or a grenade can do just as much harm and we don't have people distrusting and locking everyone away.” I tell her and she seems to see my point.

It will be hard to break her belief that mages are not trustworthy, but I intend to make her see that mages are just people who were born with special powers, not something to be feared because of their nature. Ignorance is what causes things to go wrong.

“You are the Seeker of Truth, Cassandra. We will search for the truth together and we will spread it so everyone can know and not be afraid of what they don't understand.”

“I'm glad I didn't kill you when we believed you guilty, Grace.” She says and I laugh.

“So am I, Cassandra.”

 

We go to our bedrooms and I prepare for bed. When Love meets with me she decides that I should exercise my meditation and search inside myself again for answers. I can't make progress, though. So instead of keep pushing it we work more on meditating. The really good thing about this is that I would be able to resist falling into sadness more easily. If I can control my thoughts I can choose not to think about bad things and push them away if they insist on coming.

We rise early so we can prepare to leave. Sera is waiting for us downstairs and we head for the dock. As soon as we make it inside the ship, Solas puts me to sleep.

 

When I wake up I find them with annoyed faces, I can only imagine the kind of arguments they have gone through with Sera. We don't stop at the tavern, we make our way out of Jader, following the road that would lead us to Redcliffe.

Because we don't have horses for everyone, I ride with Cassandra and Sera takes my horse. I almost snap at her when she starts complaining about elves and magic. I'm not ready to deal with it. I thought I would be able to stay quiet, but then she decides to talk to me.

“What's the deal with that weird hat?” I really should’ve expected it, shouldn't I?

“It's fennec pelt, and I like it.”

“Don't ya think it's weird? Having those ears pointing up like that?”

“I think it's cute.”

“Orlesians call elves rabbits, I wonder what they would call you wearing that.” She laughs.

“They already have names for me without the hat, and I don't care about what they say. It's my hat, I think it's cute and I'll be wearing it.”

“Ye got balls, Herald.” She laughs and I can barely suppress an urgh.

“It is a gift from Varric.” Cassandra adds. “I can't even begin to imagine how he thought that was a good idea.”

“She likes it Seeker, that's the only thing that matters.” Varric says.

“Exactly!” I say. “It is everything I like: beautiful, soft, pointy and warm.” Sera starts laughing madly, I think back to what I said and I think I understand why and I shake my head.

“You're funny.” Sera says with more laughs.

 

We set camp and Varric goes out to hunt with Sera. I lay down to stretch my legs while Cassandra and Solas prepare the tents and the fire.

“This will be hard...” I end up thinking aloud.

“What will?” Solas asks. I haven't noticed he was close. I realize when I look at him that he is preparing my tea.

“Dealing with her. I have the feeling that she will tempt my temper at every minute.”

“That would be interesting to see.”

“Hm? You want to see me mad?”

“I have seen you happy, shy, sad, and restrained. It certainly would be interesting to see you unleash that force within you.” What is that supposed to mean?

“Force? Within me?” The only force I can think of is when I got really angry. I remember the times I felt rage take over me, and how awful it was... I felt like I had entered berserk mode. “I'm not sure you would want to see it. That can be... scary.”

“Not if you learn how to use it.”

“I suppose that's true.”

Some minutes pass and he hands me the tea. I sit up to drink, still thinking about what he could have meant by that. Was he flirting? No... that's not possible…

The rogues come back and we eat. Because we don't have access to water I go straight to the tent. With one more person for the watch I think they will sleep better at least.

 

After another meditation lesson with Love I'm awakened by Cassandra and I notice that Sera is already up and outside. I prepare the best I can and after we eat we leave. Everything was fine, or as fine as it can be with Sera. At least when she talks to Varric and Cassandra she is more normal. Solas doesn't pick on her and she so far doesn't seem interested in picking on him.

 

Hours go by without any interruptions by threats until we spot a rift. We head there and notice it will be another hard one. It has a Pride demon and a few Terrors around it. I wonder why the demons don't roam after they come out of the rift. Well, some do, but I noticed most decide to stick by. The sight of Terrors reminds me of that incident back in the Hinterlands and a shiver goes through my spine. We got someone else on the party so it should be easier; I also learned new spells, but still, I'm afraid.

Sera and Varric pull the shades and they die quickly, the Terrors decide to teleport close to us and one goes to Cassandra while the other goes to Solas, who is closer to me. I use the Blast to try and stop it from shouting and it works, leaving it stunned. Cassandra is busy with the Terror while Varric gives her support, and Sera attacks the stunned one along with me and Solas. Because we are too close I can't use the Pillar on it or I risk hurting us too, I also can't use the Fade Strike because I don't know if it will only hurt the enemies. I attack with the staff then. Our target dies, but Cassandra is still busy with the other Terror when Pride hits us with the lightning whip. My Barrier holds, but I have to recharge it.

Solas attacks the Terror while Sera and I focus on Pride. I cast the Fire Pillar on it and I can see some burns on its purple skin. I imagine it hurts but it is too powerful for me to worry about how it feels. I know it will kill me happily if it can so I have to use everything I can on it. I cast Fade Strike but it seems not to do much on it; it slows it down, at least, with the impact, but it doesn't get stunned. When I see Cassandra running towards it I assume the Terror is dead and just focus on Pride.

It doesn't take much longer for Pride to die after everyone is focusing on it, but then I feel something warm cut through my arm. My Barrier didn't fully hold the attack from the shade that crept up behind me, nobody saw it coming. It could be a lot worse if I didn't have the Barrier up, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm hurt, and bleeding a lot. The cut was deep, and now that oxygen is hitting the wound it starts to burn. The others kill the shade quickly and I try to focus through the pain to close the rift. I feel the recoil but it is definitely better than the last strong rift we closed, so some progress I must have been making since then.

Sera is confused to find out that I can't be healed and Solas wants to put a poultice on the cut. I stop him because now I have something that will help healing. I wince at the memory of the pain, I know how much it will hurt, but it will be worth it. I go through my bag and get the flask.

“Solas, use some of this on the wound first.” I tell him while handing him the flask with my good arm. He frowns.

“What is this?” He asks, taking the flask from me.

“Vinegar. Just pour some of it on the wound, please. But, warn me first, will you?”

“You want him to put vinegar on your wound? Are you serious?” Cassandra asks.

“Yes, I used it all the time back at home when I got hurt. I would do it myself but I can't reach the cut.”

“Very well.” He says and holds my arm. “I will count to three and pour a little.”

He does it and I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the pain. When he approaches the flask I can already feel the vinegar reaching for my skin as if several tendrils were stinging me. That shit  **hurts** . When it drips on my skin I have to do my best not to scream. I feel the tears coming down my closed eyes, but I don't scream. I breathe quickly, though, trying to think about anything else than the pain.

“The bleeding is stopping.” Solas says after a couple minutes and I'm still shaking in pain. “But it seems to be extremely painful for you.”

“It is. It hurts like hell. But it does the job.” I say between pants. After some seconds I calm down, although the pain continues, and I say. “You can apply the poultice now.”

I look at the others and they have such alarmed expressions. I don't really know why.

“You are used to that kind of painful treatment?” Cassandra says and I nod.

“You already are in constant pain and the only way to heal you is through more pain?” Varric adds and I nod with a bitter laugh.

“I think I understand even better now why you went through  _ that _ when we left for the Hinterlands.” Cassandra says and I understand she is talking about Despair.

“That's just part of it. And it's by far not the strongest reason.” I give her a smile. “Don't worry, this thing really helps. Hurts, but helps.”

“You really can't be healed?” Sera asks.

“That's right, nothing works on me.”

“And you're the only chance we got for fixing that hole?” She insists and I nod. “We're in deeper shit than I thought! We can't let anything happen to ya!”

“Yes, we have to be very careful.” Cassandra says.

“No shit!” Sera seems to be panicking because she paces around mumbling something but eventually she calms down.

 

“Are you feeling better?” Solas asks after he finishes with the bandages.

“Yes, the effect of the vinegar already faded. It still feels sore because of the cut but it's not painful anymore. As long as I don't hit it.” I chuckle.

“It is good to know  **something** works to heal you, even if it’s only a small recovery.” He says and I nod. He frowns and continues. “It is unfortunate that it is so painful.”

“Yeah... but I'm used to it. Plus it doesn't last long, it’s pretty intense, but it fades fast too. The cut should be better in a few days, much faster than without the vinegar. It would take a week or more to heal without it.”

I put the flask back in the kit and close the bag. When I try to put it back on the horse my arm hurts so Cassandra does it for me. We continue on the way until it's time for lunch.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to meet with Fiona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 15.05.2018 - updated version.)

We stop for lunch and I try to lay down, only to feel my knee clack when I sit and I scream in pain. It seems to have almost come out of place, stopping halfway through because I didn't fold my leg completely this time. Everyone comes running at me if I can understand the sound correctly among my own cries while I try to stretch my leg so it would pop back in place.

Among many questions of “what happened?” and “are you alright?” I manage to stretch my leg and open my eyes to see their scared faces while I massage my knee. It hurts so damn much. I know it could be worse, I had it completely off once; my father had to pull it back in place and that was  **not** nice.

“Yes...” I manage to say with a strained voice. “My knee... I almost dislocated it.”

“By sitting down?!” Sera says.

“She has this problem with her body...” Cassandra says. “I never thought we would actually see it happen.”

“Her shoulder fell once in the tavern.” Varric says.

“Oh we're so screwed.” Sera says. “How you're supposed to fix the world if y'body is coming apart?”

“I wonder the same thing Sera.” I would be mad at her if I didn't agree with her, really. Never thought I'd have my own words tossed right back at me. I mean, apart from Despair.

“With help.” Solas says and I'm surprised to hear him saying it. “Are you better?”

“It will be sore for hours, maybe days, but I'll be fine. It has happened before, and worse too.”

“I will prepare your tea.” He says.

“Thank you, Solas.” I keep massaging my knee.

“Hoy Herald,” Sera says as she sits beside me, or more like throws herself down, really... she has no grace in her movements when she doesn't feel the need to it seems, she is worse than me, “if y'get like that by sitting down how do y'get, you know... when you do  _ that _ ?”

“What do you mean? Do what?”

“Heh y'know, bump bits and stuff. I imagine people would break ya.” She laughs, apparently forgetting her worries about my ability to fix the world to tease me about my sex life. It's not the first time I hear this, though. Many people had teased me about it in the past. I sigh.

“I wouldn't know. I have never done it.” I say as I lay back, not caring to see her reaction, or the others'.

“Wooot? You ain't serious?”

“She doesn't joke, or lie.” Varric says.

“Thanks Varric. Yes, Sera, I'm serious.”

“How?” She snorts. “You're old enough, yeah?”

“I'm old enough, I just haven't had enough interest in the options presented.”

“Girl, that's sad. I could help ya. Y'know, get you to know some people. What d'you like? Men, women, both? Huh, huh?” I can feel a headache forming.

“I like men,  **only** , if you  **really** must know. But no, thank you. I'm fine.”

“Only cuz you don't know what you're missing, yeah.”

“Urgh...” I run my hand on my face and sigh. “I'm not talking about this anymore.”

“Come, Buttercup, let's find food.” Varric says and she leaves, thankfully.

Some minutes pass in silence and Solas tells me the tea is ready. I sit up and my hips clack but nothing bad comes of it, thankfully. I had dislocated my hip once due to falling during physical education class. My hips and thigh were never the same afterwards. I think I can't learn martial arts anymore. Depending on the way I move my thigh I get some really intense pain.

“Is there no way to make your body more resistant?” Cassandra says. “I know I offered to teach you some exercises but I am honestly afraid of getting you hurt.”

“I really don't know, Cassandra. I've always been like this. And every time I would try to exercise I would injure myself. Going through these activities lately is already much more than I have done in the past.” She sighs.

“I am searching the Fade for something that could help her.”

“I hope you can find something.” She says.

I finish the tea and lay down again. I can hear them going through some things in camp but I don't look. I just want to relax and try to forget the pain. When the rogues come back with food they start talking again. Some more banter about how magic is stupid from Sera and some Solas trying to make her see how being an elf is a good thing. If Kindness hadn't told me to not shut them out that is exactly what I would have done, but I try to pay attention. Varric gives me some berries he was able to find, and that makes me happy, though.

Eventually we move and Cassandra says we should reach one of the camps tomorrow. When we make camp for the night we finally have access to water again. I go happily towards the stream to clean myself, only to have Sera startling me with a frog. I don't mind frogs, I think they are cute, what annoys me is the fact that she interrupted my bath. After scolding her and telling her how I enjoy having privacy she sulks and goes away. Hopefully Cassandra wouldn't mind indulging her with some company.

 

We have dinner and Varric asks me to sing something before I head to the tent. I don't mind because I need to dry my hair anyway, but I can't think about any song they haven't heard me sing yet.

“Herald can sing?” Sera asks.

“She can, and very well.” Varric answers. “But we have never heard the songs she knows.”

“Oh this should be good!” She says and perks up waiting for me to start.

I try to connect with Inspiration and eventually I remember a nice song, and I sing snapping my fingers as accompaniment: “When you're down... and troubled... and you need some love and care... and nothing... nothing is going right. Close your eyes and think of me... and soon I will be there... to brighten up... even your darkest nights”.

“You just call out my name... and you know... wherever I am... I'll come running... to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall... all you got to do is call... and I'll be there, yes I will... You've got a friend”.

“If the sky... above you... should turn dark and full of clouds... and that old... north wind should begin to blow... keep your head together... and call my name out loud now... and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.”

“You just call out my name... and you know... wherever I am... I'll come running... to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall... all you got to do is call... and I'll be there, yes I will”.

“Hey ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? People can be so cold. They'll hurt you... and desert you. They'll take your soul if you let them. But don't you let them”.

“You just call out my name... and you know... wherever I am... I'll come running... running… to see you again. Winter, spring, summer or fall... all you got to do is call... and I'll be there, yes I will... You've got a friend... You've got a friend... Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend? You've got a friend”.

“Never heard that song before!” Sera says. “You sing nice too!”

“Thank you, Sera.”

“That's such a beautiful song, Grace.” Cassandra says.

“It is, it's like an anthem of friendship isn't it?” I smile.

“I'm starting to think you are the one writing those songs.” Varric says with a chuckle.

“I don't have that talent Varric, I just sing them. Someone else wrote and sang them.”

“How many bards have you met?” He asks.

“Hmm... A lot I guess? Don't think I can count.”

“Woa! How'd you meet that many?” Sera asks.

“They used to stop by where I lived.”

“You own a tavern or something?” She insists.

“No, I don't own anything. My life before is gone.”

“Oh, sorry 'bout that.”

“It's fine. Can I sleep now, Varric?” I ask him with a smile.

“Can I ask another song?” He chuckles.

“Alright, but it's the last one.” I concentrate on Inspiration and he helps me remember another song and I also sing patting my thighs:

“Well, you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. And you let her go”.

“Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you'll make a dream last. But dreams come slow and they go so fast. You see her when you close your eyes. Maybe one day you'll understand why, everything you touch surely dies”.

“But you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go”.

“Staring at the ceiling in the dark. Same old empty feeling in your heart. 'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast. Well, you see her when you fall asleep, but never to touch and never to keep. 'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep”.

“Well you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go”.

“And you let her go... Oh oh oh no... And you let her go.. Oh oh oh no.. When you let her go”.

“'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low. Only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. And you let her go”.

“Those are such wise words.” Cassandra says. “And so sad too.”

“Yeah, I took many things for granted and only valued them after I lost them.” I say tucking my hair behind my ears. I stand up and fix my clothes. “I'm going to sleep, my body is killing me. Good night, everyone.”

I enter the tent and while I'm getting ready to sleep I hear them talking about how fragile I am to Sera. I guess she needs to know before she decides to prank me or something. I fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes and I go through another meditation lesson with Love.

 

Cassandra wakes me up and I see Sera still sleeping, and I laugh at the sight: she sleeps even more carelessly than me: legs spread and an arm is over her eyes. My mother used to tell me I slept in positions that reminded her of letter shapes. I don't think that is something that followed me to Thedas, though, because I always wake up the way I first fell asleep in. Maybe because dreaming here is so different.

We get back on the way after eating leftovers and I notice the horse I was riding before is quite fond of Sera. I suppose that is a good thing, she can have fun with the horse instead of bothering us.

It's about lunch time when we reach the scout's camp. They tell us what has been happening in the area since we were last here and we are glad to know the bandits problem is under control because the soldiers are able to protect the area better. But we are also told they have found more rifts in further regions, and some bandits and what seems to be mercenaries. I got a pretty good idea of what it’s about and I really didn't want to deal with this now, but this isn't a game and time here matters.

We decide to go to Redcliffe first to meet with the mages and see to the rifts and bandits afterwards. Sera complains about meeting with mages and I tell her to stay in camp while we go to Redcliffe.

“After we're done in Redcliffe we come back here to fetch you so we can go close those rifts.” I tell her.

“Can't wait to shoot some demons! Come back fast, yeah?”

“Try not to cause trouble, will you?” I tell her and she just chuckles. I shake my head.

We move towards Redcliffe and find some mercenaries with that hand grasping a snake symbol. I was never sure if that meant Venatori or simply mercenaries hired by Venatori. They attack us on sight, so the only thing that matters is that they are enemies. I smash them on the ground with Veil Strike and I start wondering why I never see Solas using this spell. Some men die and the others who are left stunned are killed by Varric and Solas. Cassandra dashes towards a mage and Solas freezes him, giving Varric the opportunity to shatter him to pieces. I don't notice a rogue coming at me from behind but fortunately the Barrier holds. Apparently my lessons with Love about focus have been useful when it comes to combat too.

I use the Blast and the rogue flies back, I use the Pillar on him and end up hitting another rogue I haven't seen. We kill them and Varric goes to check the bodies with Cassandra. Solas moves them and then sets them on fire after everything that could be useful is recovered. We split the money, Cassandra gets a new belt and Varric gets the rogue's supplies, which includes some grenades.

We spot their camp and kill the sentries, finding a note mentioning some movements about the Inquisition forces and some orders. Varric spots a chest with potions and we get them for ourselves. Cassandra comments about how we should tell the scouts about this place so they can give the supplies to refugees. I find a ring that seems to affect cold magic if the cold aura I feel from it is any indication.

“Hey, Solas, can you check this ring?” I ask after coming closer to him, ring in the center of my palm. He doesn't take it, instead he sets his hand over the ring and runs his magic through it, making my skin tingle with his energy.

“It is enchanted to strengthen cold spells” He says.

“I suspected it was the case. Here, take it. It will be useful for you, I guess.”

“Thank you, Grace. It shall help, yes.”

We explore the area ahead to make sure there were no more bandits and Solas warns me that he feels the artifact that enhances the Veil. I wonder if we'll see that elf here, but as we approach some old ruins there is nobody around.

“I can feel the faint energy of the artifact coming from inside.” He says holding his staff closely. “This should prove a good test for you. Do you think you can move the stones from the entrance?”

“I haven't been exercising that particular spell... if I can call that a spell, that is. Anyway... I don't know. I'll try.” I get closer and focus on the stones, trying to envelop them in the Fade's energy. My focus is indeed better, I can feel a better connection to the Fade. I try to pull as much energy as I can through the staff and enhancing the ‘tendrils’ that should move the stones around. It takes me a while, but I manage to get the stones moving aside, and surprising enough, I'm not as tired as I expected to be.

“Well done. How do you feel?” He looks at me as if trying to see inside me. I wonder if he will ever stop analyzing me like that.

“I expected to be exhausted, since the last time I tried something like this I ended up very lightheaded, but I feel... fine. A bit tired, sure, but nothing compared to that.”

“You seem to have improved your skills, and your focus.” He tilts his head.

“Love's lessons on focus seem to be helping in more areas than I thought.”

“The stronger your focus, the more you will be able to do. Now, let us find that artifact.”

“Sure.”

We move inside the ruins and it's not long before we find some demons. After killing them I feel my skin tingling. I walk towards the source of the power and it is some sort of sconce.

“I feel...  _ something _ here...” I say. Solas comes closer to me and with a gesture he lights it up.

“Veilfire. A memory of flame that burns in areas where the Veil is thin.” He says.

“It’s... beautiful.” The way the green flames dances in the air, entwined with some silvery lights is almost mesmerizing. I want to touch it. “Does it burn?”

“No. In my travels I saw it being used for many different purposes, however.”

I run my hand through the flames and Varric and Cassandra scream alarmed, but nothing happens. I can feel the energy of the flame tingling on my skin, it’s nice.

“It feels nice.” I push some energy into it and collect some on the palm of my hand. After playing with it for a few seconds I release it to the air and it floats for a few seconds before disappearing. “Interesting. Do you think I can summon it?”

“There should be nothing preventing you from doing so. Just connect to the Fade, search for that memory of the fire and light it up.”

“You say that as if it is easy... It can't be  _ that _ easy...” I try doing what he told me, and surprisingly enough, I can summon the Veilfire in the palm of my hand. “Oh! I did it!”

“Well done. Now, if you are done playing with fire, we should move.” I think I see a smirk.

“Oh of course, I'm sorry.”

We go further inside the ruins, I keep the Veilfire in my hand so we can light the way, and we get into a large room. No demons, no rift, just a bunch of broken things. I remember there being a rune in this place, I wonder if that really exists and what it will be like to read it because of the Veilfire. Before I can start searching for the rune, though, I spot a globe in the center of the room, and as I approach I feel some energy coming from it; a humming of sorts.

“The artifact.” Solas says. “Activate it and it should strengthen the Veil in this area.”

“How do I activate it?”

“Can you feel energy in it? As you feel in the staff?”

“Is it a focus too?”

“Not exactly, no, but it should have its own energy flowing inside. You connect to it and push power into it.”

“Understood. Let me see.” I do as he told me and I can indeed feel as if there is a conduit inside the globe. It reaches for me and I let it ‘handshake’ me. It’s an odd sensation, I don't really know how to explain, but it isn't bad. I channel the energy from the Fade and push into it as I would do to a staff and I can feel the moment it is fed with the power. It ‘awakens’ and the humming is so much stronger as I feel a surge of energy coming forth. It pushes me away, then. Strengthening the Veil indeed, it is harder to reach for the Fade now. “Curious. So many things happening in such a short time. Elvhen really were very intelligent people. Wish I could learn from them.” I sigh. If I would ever have that chance... I doubt Solas would teach me everything he knows... and I don't think I would live as many years as necessary to do so anyway...

“What happened when you activated it?” Cassandra asks.

“It has its own energy, and it awakened when I pushed energy into it. It’s a very powerful thing, and it indeed strengthened the Veil here, it’s harder for me to reach for the Fade around it. I almost regret activating it. But we must fix this mess, so I understand the necessity.”

“You would have the Veil thin?” Cassandra asks with a frown.

“Don't get me wrong Cassandra, I don't wish demons. But I like the Fade and I would like if it was easier to reach for it. If only it was safe to do so.” I sigh. “Well, let's see what else there is in this place. Although for the looks of it... people already took whatever was here.”

We move around, trying to find anything useful but it’s in vain. Until I feel something in a wall close to fallen rubble. It’s similar to what I felt when I was close to the Veilfire. I approach and  hover my hand close to the wall. There is definitely something here.

“Solas, check this wall.” He comes closer and hums.

“There is something emanating from this wall.” He frowns. “It is quite faint, however.” He hovers his hand over it and I can feel the pulse he sends forward. A glyph of sorts shines on the wall then. “Oh, this seems to be one of the glyphs that reacts to Veilfire. Approach it.”

I move my hand holding the little ball of Veilfire and I shudder. I feel something slipping inside me and then warming my mind. Images rush through my vision as if I was watching some video in fast forward. This place seems to have been a forgery of sorts. I see elvhen working on metal. Blacksmiths? They don't have vallaslins so they aren't slaves at least. The vision ends as it comes closer to the man working on a rune. I gasp.

“That was... intense.” I say releasing a breath.

“What happened?” Cassandra is alarmed and Varric has a worried expression.

“I saw... something. A vision?” I look to Solas for some insight but he only looks at me with his curious expression. “I saw elves without vallaslin working here, this place seemed to be some sort of smithy, and it tried to show me how to craft a rune... but I'm afraid that knowledge is lost on me... I have no idea what to make of it.”

“I have heard of this usage of Veilfire. Interesting that you should be able to interact to such level, I wonder if perhaps the mark has anything to do with it.”

“I wish I could understand what it tried to teach me.” I sigh. “Can any of you do it? Or better yet... does any of you  **want** to try?”

“I'm not touching that weird fire to look at some weird memory on the wall, Crystal. And I'm no enchanter, I wouldn't understand it either.”

“I must agree with Varric, I don't possess the knowledge to make use of it.” Cassandra says. I look at Solas.

“I cannot say I would be able to understand the runes but I am curious as to what you were shown in that memory.” He casts his own Veilfire and approaches the rune. It's only a couple of seconds and he is back to us. “Remarkable. I assume that is a very ancient memory. If only we could preserve it.” He sighs. “As for the rune, I might be able to make the schematics for its crafting.”

“That would be very helpful, Solas.” I say with a smile.

“Can we leave now?” Varric says. “I'm a dwarf but I don't like being underground.” I laugh.

“Sure. Let's go to Redcliffe.”

We make our way outside, the light hurts my eyes after so long inside a dark place and it takes me a while to adjust. I really wish I had sunglasses. My eyes were always very sensitive, not so much after I came to Thedas, but this still is a painful moment. After I recover we get back on the way towards Redcliffe and we can spot the rift in front of the gate from far away. I remember how it distorts time around it and I can't help wincing. Shit... I wonder how this will work in real life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> You've Got a Friend - Carole King  
> Let Her Go - Passenger
> 
> Have you guys noticed I changed the tags? ;) I'm happy to inform you that Solas likes her <3  
> It won't happen until after they get to Skyhold, though. That's chapter 61 if you're curious ;)


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with Alexius, Dorian and some quality time with Cassandra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I have a lot of chapters done so you get one today :D

The moment we get within what I assume to be twenty meters of the rift, a surge of energy comes from it. As some demons come forth I can see some distortions in the air, like some sort of mirage effect, but vertically. I warn the others and we start fighting the demons; it’s just some common wraiths and shades so they are dispatched easily. The problem begins when a Terror comes out of the rift and pushes me into a mirage pocket. Everything slows down and I feel nauseous. There is such pressure in my head that I feel like I'm going to faint.

Because I'm so confused I can barely keep my Barrier up and I definitely can't attack. I feel the claws of the Terror scratching my backs at some point and I scream. I don't think I was ever hurt that badly before. It must have been quite the hit because the Barrier couldn't hold it. The good thing about the attack is that I was pushed out of the mirage pocket, but there are two things that comes with it: the good thing is that I can think normally now, the bad thing is that the blood is flowing freely too. I try to focus on killing the Terror and I close the rift. I barely feel the recoil.

Solas comes quickly to me with the others.

“We need to stop that bleeding, it looks really serious!” Varric says.

“Where is the vinegar?” Solas asks while I let myself fall down. I sit on my heels and bend forward.

“Inside my kit, in my bag.” I say while trying to take off my armor, but every movement is painful. “Cassandra, please help me take it off.”

“Of course, Grace.” She comes up to me and helps me with it. “It seems leather doesn't protect you much after all.”

“Well, don't say that as if metal would, I saw what that bear did to your armor.” I chuckle and it hurts so I whimper.

“That took many more hits than what you took. And I can be healed.”

“I don't get hurt on purpose, I would like to have better protection. I don't like pain, you know? But I wouldn't be able to move in heavier armor. I'm weak.” I say while she helps me take the clothes off, she stops on my undershirt.

“I... you... you don't wear a breast band?” She asks.

“No. There's no need to.” I laugh and it hurts, I whimper. “Have you seen the size of my breasts? They are almost non-existent.”

“I  _ have _ seen them, they exist.” She says. ”I have to take off your shirt so Solas can clean the wounds.”

“It's fine. Pull it up. At this point I believe everyone already has seen me naked. I spent so much time unconscious and being treated by Maker knows who...”

“I haven't seen you naked, Crystal, if that makes you feel better. And I'll be looking the other way, don't worry.”

“Thank you, Varric.” I say after Cassandra pulls the shirt over my head.

“Here.” She hands me the shirt and I cover my front. Solas' silence only adds to my suspicion that he  **has** seen me naked.

“The cuts are very deep, I believe this will hurt.” She says and I hear her standing up.

“Indeed.” Solas says and sighs. “I apologize for the pain I will have to inflict on you.”

“Don't apologize, it's fine.” I say. “If I could reach it I would save you the trouble, really.” He sighs.

“You will need more vinegar after I am done.”

“That big a cut, huh?”

“Three big cuts, yes.” I wince at the thought. This is going to  **really** hurt. “Do you want to bite into something?”

“No... it's fine. I might scream, though.”

“I will apply it now.” I can hear him taking a deep breath behind me, this would be so nice in other situation. “One... two... three.”

He approaches the vinegar and I feel the tendrils just before it stings straight through my skin, in some really intense pain. I feel like I'm being torn and burnt at the same time. There is no way I could hold the scream that leaves my mouth, and I imagine it was quite loud. And many other screams follow the first. When Solas is done applying the vinegar I let my torso fall over my knees. I feel the tears streaming down my face. I breathe quickly and try not to smell the vinegar on my back by holding my shirt close to my nose where it's not dirty with blood. The tangerine scent is quite nice and relaxing, but not enough to distract me from the pain.

I can feel him cleaning my back around the cuts, I assume he is removing the blood. Each touch is painful even if it's only around the gashes. Eventually the vinegar stops burning and some moments later I stop feeling the blood flowing down my skin. I'm still shaking, though.

“Are you alright?” Cassandra asks.

“I will be.” My voice is a bit muffled by the shirt.

“I will apply the poultice now.” Solas says.

“Alright.”

I feel his light touches on my skin, and every single one is painful. I imagine the cut must be some awful sight. While he is still treating my wounds I hear footsteps. I take a peek from my position to see some soldiers approaching. They want to thank us for closing the rift and are wondering about what is happening to me. She explains the situation and tells the men that we are supposed to meet with Fiona. I lower my head in my scented shirt, I already know what they are going to tell her: that Fiona didn't let anyone know that she was supposed to meet with anybody, and that we would not even be able to talk to her, because the mages can't talk to anyone. As thanks for closing the rift they offer to get us a meeting with the person responsible for the mages now, and I hear them leave.

“Things only keep getting weirder.” Varric says and Cassandra agrees.

“How is her wound?” Cassandra asks.

“The vinegar does help with the bleeding, but it will take time to fully heal.” He is still applying the poultice.

“I assume you will need to replenish the poultice too.” I chuckle but it hurts and I whimper.

It takes us a while to move because of my cuts. After Solas is done with the bandages Cassandra helps me with another shirt. Solas cleans my armor but I think it won't be able to be repaired and I will need a new one. Until then, however, it should help protect other parts of me.

We leave the horses at the stables and make it inside Redcliffe. There is a great amount of mages, of all kind. To think that they are all slaves to that Magister now, it would indeed make for a very powerful army. I smile as I remember that I will see Dorian soon.

As we walk we hear all kinds of rumors, and they all wonder why the Inquisition is here. I point towards shops and stalls and mention that we should stop by them after we talk to this person. We enter the tavern and wait for the man to arrive. Everyone looks at us as if we are some rare and weird creature. It's very awkward. Some minutes pass and I see an old man wearing some weird clothes coming inside with some bodyguards wearing another kind of weird clothes. I wonder why these Tevinter men wear this kind of clothes if they treat elves as shit. I mean, that thing looks like pointed ears.

He comes up to us and introduces himself; we tell him about a meeting with Fiona and he calls the woman, who says she has no memory of our encounter, that in fact she has never left Redcliffe. As Cassandra tries to talk to the man about getting help for the Inquisition he asks his son to fetch a scribe, the young man then plays sick and hands me a note. They leave the tavern in a rush and I read what I already knew to be written in the piece of paper. My companions of course think it's a trap, but I tell them that by the way it was delivered it shouldn't be.

“A man plays sick in front of his father just so he can slip us a note telling us we are in danger? I don't think this is a trap.” I tell them. “But I am curious as to why a son would betray his father.”

“Family intrigue!” Varric says.

“Is that going into your book too?” I ask him.

“It always makes for a good read.” He chuckles.

 

We go towards the church and my hand flares at the door. Everyone knows to expect a rift and we prepare before going inside, only to find a man, who I'm pretty sure is Dorian, fighting demons. He greets us and asks for help, which we provide. The rift is quite easy to close despite the time distortions. He introduces himself and the others are suspicious, of course. I must say his mustache is so well groomed that it's hard not to look at it.

“I'm curious as to why Felix would betray his father.” I tell Dorian.

“Because we can see Alexius is doing the wrong thing, it's not betrayal if it's to help him.” Dorian says with that fancy way of his.

“And what exactly is he doing?”

“Father has joined with a cult,” Felix comes from behind us, “the Venatori.”

“Oh you sure took your time!” Dorian says.

“Father wouldn't let go of me.” He scratches his head and turns to us. “The Venatori follows the Elder One and are obsessed with you. Maybe because you survived the Temple of Sacred Ashes.”

“Elder One?” Cassandra asks.

“We don't know who he is, but the Venatori worships him,” Dorian says, “and Alexius used powerful magic to secure mages for their army, time magic.”

“Time magic?” Solas asks. “That would be fascinating if true. And certainly dangerous.”

“I helped him develop this magic.” Dorian adds. “It  _ is _ true, but it's not without flaws as you can see. The place is completely unstable. We have to stop him.”

“We?” Cassandra asks.

“Oh I thought the Inquisition would be more willing to put a stop to Magisters from Tevinter taking away their mages while also causing a mess in the timeline.” Dorian smirks.

“Of course we will help.” I say.

“We will?” Varric asks.

“Do you really think it’s right to let this happen?” I ask the dwarf and he sighs.

“No, I don't suppose I do. But... more trouble. Why can't I be among people who don't get in trouble?”

“Admit it, you would hate to have a boring life.” I smirk and he shakes his head with a chuckle.

“I guess you're right, Crystal.”

“It's settled then!” Dorian says. “Let me know when you plan on acting and I will help you. I must get out of here before they find me.”

“Thank you, Inquisition.” Felix says and leaves with Dorian.

“Are you sure we can deal with this?” Cassandra asks.

“I don't know if  **we** can. Maybe we should talk to the others in Haven before doing anything. But I don't want to let that man do what he plans. That is just wrong, on too many levels.”

“You're right.” Cassandra says.

We make our way outside, checking some shops and stalls, but nothing really useful comes of it. Varric uses his talents to secure more merchants to trade with Haven at least. Oh and we get more vinegar and poultices.

We get the horses and go back to camp. Because we don't want to travel at night, we decide to spend the rest of the day resting after giving the scouts news about the mercenaries, letting them know where to go to get supplies to help the people in need.

Sera is happy she didn't go with us and so am I, to be honest. I would hate to have her around complaining about magic. I decide to go clean myself but I need help to manage my clothes.

“Cassandra, do you mind helping me with my clothes again?” I ask her after collecting my kit and a change of clothes.

“Sure.” She stands up from the log where she was sitting and comes up to me. Sera follows her excited and I raise an eyebrow at her.

“I didn't ask you, Sera.”

“You're taking a bath together, yeah? I want in, it's more fun that way!”

“This isn't a party, I just need help with the clothes. Please, stay here.”

“You ain't fun Herald.” She pouts and goes back. I shake my head and sigh.

Cassandra helps me take the shirt off and after I'm done bathing, if I can call it that since I can't get into the water or I ruin the bandages, she helps me put another on. She also helps me wash my clothes while we talk about the others. The Seeker likes gossiping it seems.

“Are you getting along with Varric now?” I ask her eventually.

“I swear he likes teasing me, but I try to keep a nice atmosphere.” She says.

“I think he does.” I chuckle. “But you see, he likes teasing me too. I think it's in his nature.”

“That might just be it. If he wasn't such a good writer...” She sighs.

“Do you like his books then?” I ask even though I know the answer.

“What? No!” I raise an eyebrow at her, smirking. She sighs. “Fine... I... read some.”

“Which is your favourite?”

“Don't you think it's stupid that I like his books?”

“Why would I think that?”

“Because he was my prisoner? And we argue so much?”

“Cassandra, you were doing your job, and you have different personalities, it's natural that you would have disagreements, specially if he likes to tease you so much.” I give her a smile.

“My favourite... is a little embarrassing.” She blushes.

“Oh? What is it? Of course you don't need to tell me if you don't want to.”

“I...” She sighs. “It's smutty literature.” She peeks at me while she rinses my shirt. I just keep the smile on my face and it seems she got the answer she needed. “Sword and Shields.”

“What is it about?”

She then gets excited and tells me all about the story and ends up saying how much she wishes Varric would write the next chapter soon. I tell her that I will try to get him to write it, since we get along. That seems to light her eyes and it makes me happy to see them like that. We finish washing the clothes and she decides she would bathe too. Since she doesn't mind the company I just stay there sitting on a rock, not looking straight at her, but we keep talking. I think it's the first time we talk so much, and privately. My guess that she would be a nice friend proved true.

“Lend me the books when we are back in Haven?” I ask her.

“Sure! It will be good to know your opinion on them too. And we can compare theories!” I laugh at her excitement.

“That will be fun!”

“I heard Sera talking to you earlier.” Hmm... what could it be? “And despite the way she said it, because her poor manners is shocking, I was thinking, you said before you were not used to being touched and then today you said you didn't like the options presented to you... were you never in love before?”

“Remember I said something about rejections?”

“Oh, I'm sorry if I brought up such sad topic, I had not realized.”

“It's fine. You see, I feel too much; emotions and feelings were always very intense, so I would fall in love with boys that interested me, but they would never reciprocate. I was also too shy to let them know what I felt, somehow I was afraid, like,  **really** afraid of letting them know, as if something bad would happen if they did. So I didn't tell them. When I did, they would tell me they wanted to stay friends. The boys and men that told me they wanted to have a relationship with me were not to my liking. I tried giving some of them a chance, but it would never last more than perhaps two weeks. I would either be bored, annoyed or tired of them. I would never... you know... lay with someone who I didn't trust and loved. So I'm still untouched.”

“I understand. I would only do the same.”

“Do you have someone?” I ask even though I suspect that mage was her boyfriend.

“I... used to. He died at the Conclave.”

“Oh, I'm sorry.”

“It is alright. He is with the Maker now. And how goes it with Solas?”

“What?!” She laughs. I think it's the first time I really see her laughing.

“You like him, he is nice to you. Have you thought about letting him know?”

“Oh... I haven't said anything, but I'm pretty sure he suspects something, you know, with all that Varric says. And specially after that drawing he must know he is special to me.”

“I think you should tell him.”

“I'm sure nothing would come of it. He doesn't seem to be the kind of elf that would be together with a human.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Just... a feeling.”

“Are you sure it's not just your insecurity?”

“I really hope it would be just that. But I don't think it's time for me to say such thing, anyway.”

“And when would it be a good time? You know, we can't control time, as much as that Magister would believe he can, you can see the mess he created. But what I mean is the regret of never having had the chance of saying something is terrible.”

“You're right about that. I will think about it. I can't hardly go back to camp now and tell him 'hey Solas I like you!'. That would be so awkward and stupid.”

“Awkward sure, stupid not so much. But do think about it.”

The sun is almost completely down by the time we get back to camp. We have dinner and after cleaning my teeth I go to the tent to sleep. And not one moment I can stop thinking about Cassandra's suggestion. Should I really let him know? I mean... he probably already does... but still... it's not like it would change anything... he still wouldn't like me that way... it could make things awkward between us... should I risk it? It would be good to have him know... let this feeling out of my chest... I sigh. I really don't know what to do. I decide to ask Love.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some exploring and a heated battle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)

I protect the beach and wait for Love to arrive. The wisps continue on their mysterious change, my castle isn't worked on since I started these lessons with Love, but other than that, everything stays the same. She arrives and after greetings I ask her “Before we start the lesson today, I wanted your advice.”

“Of course, my friend.” She says while holding my hands.

“A friend suggested I tell him what I feel, that I shouldn't hold my feelings inside. But I don't think it's the right time to tell him, even if I suspect he already knows.”

“I can't tell you about him, but I know what you feel, and I  **feel** how intense it is. It would make me very happy to see this love grow between you two. However, you do not believe it's time to reveal it, why?”

“I don't want to make things awkward between us. I think if I tell him what I feel he might distance himself further than he already does.”

“Why do you think he would do that?”

“Because I'm led to believe he would never be in a relationship with my kind. That he might even think me disgusting, honestly.”

“Your kind?”

“Humans.”

“Oh. You know you are different, do you not?”

“Well, I can't be healed, I can't die, I'm extremely fragile.”

“And your spirit is different.”

“Well, it wasn't originally here, that's true. But I'm still human.”

“I do not know what you are, only that you are different. Kindness knows about someone who could help you learn about it, but she told me she is still having difficulty locating them.”

“You think I have a chance only because I'm a different human?”

“No, I think you might have a chance because you are different. Your spirit is pure, you are good, you feel things deeply and intensely. Your connection to the Fade is unlike any seen in recent ages.”

“Don't you think it's risky? To tell him? I don't want to lose my chance of being his friend.”

“I advise you to follow your heart.” She squeezes my hands lightly. “The right moment will present itself, I will help you with it.”

“Thank you, Love.” I give her a bright smile.

“Now let us start your lesson. You still need to control your focus better. It's good that your thoughts are not so calm today, it will give you a challenge.”

And true to her words, focusing isn't so easy when I'm still worried about telling Solas about my feelings. It turns out to be a good exercise, though. We stay on it until it's almost time for me to wake up. My time in the Fade seems to be getting longer, for some reason. Cassandra wakes me up and after getting ready we move towards the closest rift.

 

The rift is cleared easily and the next one is inside a cave that was not marked on the map. My hand flares as we pass by it. Before we get in I spot many iron veins and I mark in on the map. I’ve gotten better at spotting these things. There is a barrier at the entrance of the cave and Solas dispels it for us. We go inside and find a group of bandits. I wonder what they were doing inside a place with a rift. We will never know, though, because we kill them all. Another place with supplies for refugees at least. The rift is further inside, in what seems to be a chamber of sorts. We fight the demons and I close the rift, feeling a slight recoil.

As we explore the chamber I feel the now familiar tingling of Veilfire. I summon it on my hand and wonder if there is something nearby that was made with it. Sera becomes immediately uncomfortable with the green flame. I ignore her. I focus on the Veilfire in my hand and try to follow what it is trying to link itself to. I can feel that it is doing that, don't know how I can feel it, but I can. Maybe that's another benefit from Love's lessons. At least the increased focus really allows me to follow that ‘trail’. It leads me to a wall, and as I touch it my hand goes through.

“Oh! Interesting.” I say.

“That's creepy!” Sera says.

“I'm not going in there.” Varric says.

“Solas? Cassandra?” They come to me. “Alright, we go see what's on the other side, Varric take care of Sera, will you?”

“I don't need'im takin' care of me!”

“Don't worry, Crystal. We'll be fine.”

We go through the wall and I light the sconces as we follow the corridor. There are many old painting on the walls. Pretty.

“I wonder if this is an elvhen place...” I say while looking at the murals, nothing I have seen in game. It's some landscapes and some people.

“It seems to be quite old.” Solas says. I wonder if he would know this place.

The corridor ends to reveal two arched doors and a broken eluvian. I can't help touching the mirror.

“Such a waste...” I say.

“Do you know what this is?” Cassandra asks.

“I...” Does Varric mentions this in his book? “It's my first time seeing one, but I think it's an eluvian.”

“It is.” Solas says. “One of the many ancient relics the elves left behind.”

“Is there a way to fix it?” I ask, hopeful.

“I do not believe so.”

“Oh...” I sigh. “That's too sad. Well... let's check these doors.”

The one on the left, because I always choose left first for some reason, seems to be a hall. Some broken furniture that resemble benches and what I believe used to be tables. Nothing interesting in there. The Veilfire also doesn't seem to react to anything in there. We go to the other door and half the place is collapsed. There is a mural partially faded but I can see what seems to be one of those mosaics that we see in game. I don't recognize the evanuris in it. Not that  _ that _ is surprising because I think I would only be able to recognize Fen'Harel's.

“I wonder what this place used to be.” I say while walking around. Something glistens and catches my eyes. I approach and notice it's the cover of a book. “Oh, look here! A book!”

“Don’t touch it.” Solas says while I was squatting down to pick it up. I immediately stop. “It might have wards.”

“Oh. Sorry.” That might have ended up bad.

He squats down beside me and runs his magic through the book. Then I can feel a Dispell. Warded indeed.

“What is it?” Cassandra asks.

“It is ancient elven.” Solas says. “I cannot say what it is about. I will need to research it.”

I'm pretty sure you could say, you just won't.

“I think it's a nice find. Too bad we can't explore further.” I say looking at the collapsed stones.

“Let's go back to the others.” Cassandra says and we do just that.

As we step out of the wall the others seem to be relieved. We tell them what we found as we make our way out of the cave. Sera of course think it's garbage, because count on Sera to think nothing of elves, even if she is one.

 

We close two more rifts before we stop for lunch. Varric brings me some pears and berries. If there is something I like about the Hinterlands is the fruits. I brew my tea and lay down on my belly, because you know, my back is a mess. I see a grasshopper jump on my gloved hand and I just observe it. Sera passes by and the bug startles I guess, jumping away.

“Sera stop!” I shout and she freezes in place. I see the bug jumping to safety then and I relax.

“Wot was that?” She asks.

“You almost stepped on a grasshopper.”

“Wot? You're serious?”

“Yes. It was on my hand and you startled it. Then you almost stepped on it.”

“You scare me because of a bug?”

“Sorry to scare you, but I didn't want you to kill it.”

“You're weird y'know? Most people would be screaming to get bugs killed.”

“Well, I'm not most people.”

“How is your back, Crystal?”

“Could be worse, Varric.” I chuckle. I lay my head on my elbow, using it as a pillow.

After some time resting I sit up to change my socks and Varric decides to finally comment about it “How many pair of socks do you have, Crystal?”

“Hm... fourteen pairs. Why?”

“Fourteen? Why do y'need that many?” Sera asks.

“Because my feet sweat a lot inside shoes, and I don't like stinky feet.”

“I notice you seem to be quite sensitive with smells.” Cassandra says. “Cullen commented that whenever you go to the training grounds you ask him to come outside because of the smell.”

“That's right. That place stinks.” I shake my head at the memory.

“I'd say she is sensitive with everything, Seeker.” Varric chuckles.

“That is also right, Varric.” I laugh while tying the boots. “I've been told I'm made of glass, paper, sugar, porcelain.”

“Sugar? Your man would like that yeah? If y'had one, I mean.” Sera laughs.

“It's not like that! It's in the sense that if I get under rain I get sick. You know, if you put sugar in the water it disappears.”

“Oh yeah. Your health sucks, Herald.” Sera says.

“Crystal, you like elves so much, why don't you wear their footwraps too? Your feet would be free.”

“Because as you said, I am too sensitive, Varric. I would love to wear them, but I can't. I would hurt my feet.”

“Hoy Varric don't give'er ideas to be more elfy!”

“He's not giving me any idea I haven't already had before, Sera.”

“Urgh, you're human yeah? Why'd you like to be elfy, Herald?”

“Because as Varric said, I really like them. If I could choose I would be born elf. Even if the world treat them as shit. They really don't deserve it... they already lost too much.”

“Urgh... why did I ask? I don't need to hear that yeah? Don't give me history lesson on elves. You and them should stop thinkin' 'bout past and worry 'bout now.”

“Oh but I  **do** worry about now, Sera. If I can I will try my best to make the world better for them.”

“That's wrong, Herald! Ya should worry 'bout everyone yeah? Not just elves!”

“I worry about everyone, but elves have it the worst. Have you seen alienages? Have you seen the way they treat elven servants? Have you seen how elves have  **no** opportunities anywhere? You're a goddamn elf and act as if they're nothing! I will never understand you!” I'm starting to get pissed off.

“Alright, enough you two.” Varric says. “Before this escalates into a really ugly fight, huh?”

“Fine...” I sigh. Sera just paces away mumbling something.

 

A few minutes pass and we move out; time to see that bandit hideout. The place is a small fortress, it would be safer to get help. Varric and Sera go around the area scouting for threats and after we get an overall layout of the surrounding area we move back, but through another route so we can close other rifts. Some minutes later Solas warns me about an artifact; I find it inside ruins of what seems to be a tower and I activate it. Sera complains of ‘magic shite’ but we pay her no mind.

We rescue refugees from bandits and since we are going the same direction we escort them to the road that would lead them to The Crossroads. They seem uneasy to be on the presence of the ‘Herald of Andraste’ but Varric is nice enough to distract them. The children with them are delighted to hear stories about happier times. When we reach the road they go their way and we head to the scout's camp.

They think it will be a good idea to attack at night, so we prepare for it. They also decide on the location of another camp on the way there and we move out to set it up before it's time to attack. Camp set, everyone prepared, we leave. Two scouts and three soldiers accompany us to the siege of the small fortress.

The scouts go ahead with our rogues to search for traps and to set our own. Me and Solas stay back so we can provide cover fire if needed but without being seen. Cassandra waits until it's the turn to charge ahead with the other soldiers. The scouts come back with Varric and Sera and no incident happened. Everything ready, we set the plan in motion.

For about an hour the place is a warzone. Bandits are caught in the traps, pinned by arrows, cut in pieces by swords, frozen and shattered, smashed to the ground. Everything seems to be going well until I'm hit by five arrows in a row. The Barrier holds, I don't take damage, but it requires too much focus from me to keep it up and I don't have enough training to recover the Barrier before the sixth. But it never reaches me.

Solas noticed my Barrier down and for whatever reason he couldn't cast a Barrier on me, he intercepted the arrow with his own body. His Barrier held most of the damage, but he still got a scratch. I feel terrible for it, I hate to see him hurt, specially because it was supposed to be me.

Seeing him hurt makes me angry, I feel the heat burning in my veins. Don't you dare hurt him! I almost go blind with hate, my only thought being how much they needed to die, and I didn't care how. I use the Veil Strike to push them down and hit them with the Pillar to make sure they wouldn't get up. It's been a really long time since I used the Pillar so freely. Their screams and cries while their skin burned didn't affect me, I wanted them gone so Solas could heal himself. I can only imagine what people would think if they watched the sky and saw pillars of light descending at this location.

After the battle was over I had only one thing on my mind: I have to check on him.

“Solas, are you alright? Is the cut deep? Is there anything I can do?” Every word came rushing through.

“Calm down, I am fine.” He says calmly while running a healing spell over the cut. “It’s not deep, it will be gone soon.” I sigh in relief.

“Why... why did you get hit on my behalf?” I want to touch him, make sure he is well, but I restrain myself.

“I can heal myself, you cannot be healed.”

“But... this is the second time you're hurt because of me... I... I... I'm a burden... I'm so sorry.”

“We cannot lose you, and none of the wounds were serious.” Liar... I know that wound on your back was serious... “Do not worry. You did good at the battle, you held off five arrows, I was worried you would be hit earlier.” He finished healing his cut.

“It still wasn't enough... you're hurt.”

“Not anymore. It is healed.”

“I...” Tears begin to pool on my eyes, I can't even begin to think about losing him. He notices my distress and puts a hand on my arm. His touch grounds me to reality and I look at him, surprised and speechless.

“I am well. There is nothing for you to worry about.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then I nod. “Come, let us go to the others.”

We join the others at the fortress’ gates, trying not to step on any corpse, and discuss what is to be done about the place.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> This is what happens when I write too much.. you get more chapters. Hope you enjoy! And of course, thank you all for the kudos!

The scouts, along with Varric and Sera, check every corner of the fortress to make sure there was no trap or bandit. After clearing the place of threats, the soldiers along with Cassandra, check and collect the bodies so they could be burned afterwards. I check documents in the office of sorts they had there. There is a locked chest that I keep in mind to ask one of the rogues to open when they end their tasks. The bookshelves are full but dusty, I guess these people didn't like to read or to keep the place clean.

I find notes and letters about some trade they were doing, one of them mentioning Valammar. No sign of the key, though. I assume it should be with the leader, wherever he is. I never saw the man, especially after Solas got hit. I only saw people to kill so we could be safe and he could heal himself.

Some minutes of search pass and Cassandra comes in with Solas and Varric. They tell me Sera is still checking the place. I ask Varric to open the chest and there is a key in there, it would be good if it was the key to the ruins, even though I don't want to go in there. I show Cassandra the papers I found.

“They are clearly working against the Inquisition.” Cassandra says. “I wonder what is this product they are trading.”

“Can we send people to investigate?” I ask, not wanting to go there myself. I hate anything related to dwarven ruins... no fresh air makes me ill.

“We are already in the area, we should check this out ourselves.” I sigh. “Do you have a problem with this, Grace?”

“It's just... I don't feel comfortable in places with no fresh air... dwarven ruins... they are underground...” I sigh.

“I know how you feel, Crystal. I hate them too.”

“I doubt there is a rift there... can I stay behind on this one?” I ask hopeful. They look at each other.

“I suppose you could stay and rest.” Cassandra says and I smile.

“Awesome.”

“Let us see if they finished cleaning the place so we can rest for the night.” She says and we leave the office.

We go around and meet with Sera on the way at some point. She says all the equipment that could be salvaged was hoarded in one of the rooms so we can go through them later. We walk towards the main hall in order to talk to the people when I smell smoke. They are burning the bodies... I sigh. I don't think I will ever get used to this. Killing, burning bodies. As much as I can do it because it’s needed I would gladly live a life where I didn't have to go through this ever again.

The scouts inform us the place has bedrooms and kitchen and many other areas that could be used by the Inquisition, including space for a smithy. Cassandra organizes the scouts and soldiers for the watch and then we go check the bedrooms. There were large and small rooms, they were dirty but otherwise in good shape. There are rooms for everyone so we just choose whichever we want. They tell me to choose first because I'm the Herald; I wouldn't mind any room but since they want me to choose I pick one with a large window. Because there is no way I'm sleeping on that bed without knowing it's clean but also not wanting to sleep on the ground, I set the bedroll over the mattress. Too bad we can't have a bath tonight.

Because it was already over midnight when we attacked I would only get a nap, but it was still better than no rest at all. I was already getting lightheaded and laying down helps a lot. As if knowing I wouldn't have much time to train tonight, Love doesn't show up for lessons. I decide to work some more on my castle then.

I only wake up when Cassandra, as always, knocks on my door. I assume it's almost noon by the position of the sun and I follow them to the main hall after getting ready. We have breakfast and Cassandra tells me they found some equipment useful for them and gives me my share of the money. This time instead of sending off the supplies to refugees they are to keep it so the Inquisition can use on the Fortress.

 

After everything is said and we finish eating, we move to the scouts camp that was closest to Valammar. The plan is for me to stay there, resting, while Cassandra is in charge of investigating the place with Solas, Varric and Sera.

“Be careful in there, please.” I tell them, but I'm especially worried about Solas. I know the place shouldn't pose too much danger, but still.

“Don't worry Crystal, we'll be fine.”

“Make sure to rest, Grace.” Cassandra says.

“Don't go breakin' anything yeah?” Sera says and I can't help laughing.

“Yeah... I'll just take a bath, drink my tea and go to sleep. Wake me up when you’re back?”

“We should not disturb your rest, Grace.” Cassandra says.

“But I need to know everything went well there. Please wake me up as soon as you come back.” She sighs.

“Very well.”

“Take care, Grace.” Solas says before they go. I want to hug him...

“Take care... Solas...” I say almost as a whisper.

I leave my stuff in the tent, keeping only the hygiene kit with me, and make my way to the river so I can take my bath and I take the chance to wash the clothes. After I'm done I sit by the fire while I wait for the tea. Nobody approaches me and I feel a little anxious to try to talk to them, so I just keep to myself. I drink the tea after it cools and go inside the tent to sleep, hoping that when I wake up my body won't hurt so much and that they will be fine.

 

The good thing about having the whole day to rest is that I get many hours to train with Love. She decides to poke me about my feelings too.

“I noticed you got angry last night.” She says, calmly. We are sitting side by side, looking at the waves.

“You saw that?”

“I saw, I felt. You should not let yourself fall to rage, Grace. It blinds you.”

“I know... I've been through it before, and it seems to be even stronger now.”

“Your feelings are stronger here because you are different. Here you have a connection to the Fade. And that connection can be dangerous.”

“I didn't cause you harm, did I?” I don't want to turn her into Rage or something as twisted...

“No. There is no need to worry about me. You would need to be directly connected to me to cause any changes, and even then you would not have enough anger to harm me.” She smiles, I suppose she is trying to reassure me? “Your positive feelings are still much stronger.”

“I... suppose they are.” I hope they are.

“You should be careful, still. If you let rage blind you, you might do something you'll regret. And knowing you it would cause you great pain.”

“You are right. It has also happened before.”

“Whenever you feel angry, take a deep breath, clear your thoughts. You can channel that energy into something productive, you can use that energy to strengthen yourself. Do not let it take over you.”

“I have read this once. I tried doing it, didn't work.”

“You have a better focus now. And you can do whatever you want if you just focus enough.”

“I suppose my focus is indeed better. Say, Love, do you think he will ever trust me?”

“He has too many reservations, he has been through many things. But if you are patient and show him that he can count on you, he will.”

“Patience... at least that is something I have been working on for years. I think I can do it.”

“I have to go now. Think good things and remember to take deep breaths whenever you feel distressed.”

“I will. See you, Love. Thank you.”

She leaves and I go towards the sea to wash myself. I wonder if I will ever learn how to swim. Who could teach me? The wisps come closer and after I leave the water they dance around me. I decide to dance with them, it's such a happy atmosphere. I could never have imagined the Fade could be such a marvelous place, so safe and so... heavenly. If only he was here with me. It would be complete and perfect then.

I sit down and relax, watching the birds and the way the wisps go around. It's not much longer until I hear Cassandra's voice. I wake up, anxious for news. My body still hurts, it was too much to hope it would be fine after such little time. I get up and only throw a shirt and pants on, leaving the tent barefoot. It's night, and past midnight. I see everyone sitting by the fire, they look tired, dirty, but not injured.

“Oh it seems she woke up.” Varric says.

“How was it? Is everyone alright?” I ask while walking to the fire.

“Told you we would be fine Crystal, don't worry.”

“Last time you said everyone was fine Solas had his back covered in blood, Varric.” I end up saying it a bit too harshly.

“We are not injured, Grace.” Cassandra says. “But the place was awful.” She sighs.

“Yeah... it's good you weren't there.” Sera says. “Darkspawn everywhere, urgh.”

“Did you find out what the bandits were up to?”

“More red lyrium...” Varric says with a sad tone. “Carta and red lyrium... this is bad.”

“The place should be clear for  now,” Cassandra says, “we should be able to keep it safe with some soldiers too, maybe even repurpose the place for the Inquisition. But this is a matter to be discussed with the others at Haven.”

“I agree.” I'm not sure it’s a good place to be kept for the Inquisition with darkspawn crawling often... but well... they also shouldn't be left free in there... probably good to have Inquisition soldiers in there after all...

“Did you get some rest?” Solas asks, his expression neutral.

“Yes, slept through the day until now. I just wish my body would stop hurting...”

“Is the tea not helping anymore?” He frowns.

“It helps, it was a lot worse.”

I stand up and get some food. I notice they aren't eating anything.

“Have you all eaten yet?” They either nod or say they have. “How long were you here before I woke up? I thought I woke up just after you arrived.”

“About half an hour before you woke up, maybe.” Varric says. “We were  _ trying _ to be silent so we would not wake you up.”

“I asked you to wake me up when you got back!” I say, sad.

“We thought it was best to let you rest.” Solas says. “Nothing happened that could not wait until morning.”

“I was worried, you know. Well... I'm glad to see nobody is hurt.”

“And Chuckles didn't even get a scratch, you shouldn't have worried so much.” I'm pretty sure I blush.

“Why the Herald worries so much about'im anyway?”

“Why indeed.” Varric says and I don't say anything, the others also fall silent. Awkward.

“Wot? What I'm not seeing here?”

“Nothing, Sera. I worry about you all.”

“We're fine, yeah? Don't worry, I can kill anybody that tries to hurt us!”

“Oh I know.” What worries me is if anyone can hurt you all before dying...

“What did you do with your hair, Herald? It looks funny.” Sera says after some time.

“Funny?” I run my free hand over it but can't notice anything different.

“Yeah, it’s different y'know? With the hat I thought it was wavy but now I see it's a lot in one.”

“Oh, yeah, that. It has a will of its own. It can be curly, wavy and straight, I already gave up determining what it is or trying to fight it.”

“Even your hair doesn't make it easy on you.” Varric says and I chuckle.

“Yeah... so you see what I deal with.”

“I wonder what the readers would think if I wrote the Herald has uncontrollable hair...” He continues.

“It's not fun to have it like this. It can be boringly straight and flat or annoyingly frizzy and full. And it’s  **never** the way I want it to be. It'll just be the way it wants to be at any given moment. The hat helps control the beast, at least.”

“Oh, another advantage to the hat then.” He says.

“Yes.” I smile and we stay silent for a couple minutes until I finish eating since I didn't get much food. Cassandra announces she's going to bed and I add “I think I can't go back to sleep just yet.. I'll watch the sky for a while. The fire gets in the way so I'll be over there.”

I stand up after leaving the bowl near the log and walk towards the ledge. It was covered by grass and provides a nice view of the hills and rivers below. Not to mention the nice dark sky full of stars. There is only a faint green far beyond the mountains where the Breach is.

“Don't go summoning friends from the dark, Crystal.” Varric says with a chuckle and I laugh.

“Oh don't worry, I wouldn't.” I smile. “I'll just watch the stars.”

I sit down, careful so I don't hurt myself, and lay back. The grass is a bit wet by dew but I don't mind, it's not  **that** wet. The fresh night air is the best thing. I can also hear the frogs and insects singing nearby. I think I haven't paid attention to this kind of thing since I was a kid. It's so good to feel one with nature again. Everything seems so peaceful, it doesn't even seem real that so many bad things happened days before, and are probably happening somewhere else. I try not to worry about it and just focus on the clean air filling my lungs, the nice cold breeze on my skin and the beautiful sky over me. I stay there I don't know for how long, before I hear someone approaching.

“You should not stay out here this late.” Solas says. “You might catch a cold.”

“I'm sure the mark can protect me from it.” I look at him and see him sitting down beside me, not too close, not too far. “If it wasn't for it I should be sick since my first day in Haven.”

“You say it protects you from cold.”

“It does, somehow. I didn't expect to see you here.”

“Why?”

“I thought you would be the first to go to sleep. You know, there is no need to keep watch and you love the Fade more than anything. Plus I imagine you're tired after today and it's quite late.”

“It can be... complicated to talk about spirits with our newest companion nearby. I wish to discuss your lessons with Love.”

“Oh, sure. It's going quite well. She scolded me, though.” I chuckle.

“Oh? What have you done this time?”

“Oh you know… I got pissed off because you got hurt yesterday and I got  **really** angry.” I look at the stars. “She told me to be careful not to fall to rage.”

“Yes, you must learn to control it.”

“Don't you want to see it unleashed anymore?” That's what he meant, right?.

“It can be unleashed and still be under control. A mage can unleash their full power on their enemies and still know how to use such power.”

“She says I can control it if I focus. I suppose everything requires focus, huh?”

“Everything one wishes to do well.”

“Do you ever lose focus, Solas?”

“I believe anyone would at some point.”

“I wonder what it would take to have you lose yours. Say... what do you think about what we saw in Redcliffe?”

“The Veil was torn and twisted. Whatever magic that Magister used has to be stopped.”

“Yes. I agree. Do you think we could ever use time magic properly?”

“It would require many years of research, power we do not possess, and it would be extremely dangerous to use. The consequences of altering the past can be dire.”

“I suppose we couldn't keep trying until we find a good future, huh?” I sigh. I wonder what the world would be like if Mythal never died.

“I believe the reality would be twisted beyond comprehension should something that extensive happen.”

“I guess we don't have another choice then... we'll have to do our best in the present to make a better future.” I sigh. After a minute or so he says:

“What if what you believe to be better turns out worse than what you had?” Oh... I didn't expect this...

“We can't go back, so we try again. Until it is right.”

“Just keep trying?”

“If we give up we will never get it the way it should be, will we?”

“No, I suppose not.” We go silent for a few minutes then he continues. “How are your injuries?”

“Healing. They don't hurt as much, but are still sensitive to the touch. At least laying down isn't so painful anymore.”

“Your punishment is... cruel.”

“Well... healing was always a problem for me. The punishment itself is that I will feel extreme pain if I should not-die.”

“Not-die?” He tilts his head.

“I would say die, but you know how that goes... so... not-die.”

“I see. You were  **always** resorting to painful treatments then?”

“Always. Medicine for pain wouldn't always work, so yeah... pain was a constant.”

“There must be a way to help you.”

“I wouldn't count on it. As I told you before, I have to learn how to love living through all these hardships. So far it's going well, you know?” I look at him wish a smile and I see his troubled expression. Does he worry about me? Nah... “Don't worry, Solas. I can still close the Breach.” He frowns.

“It... it is late. You should rest.” He stands and for the look on his face I assume he expects me to stand up too.

“Fine... we have a long way to Haven tomorrow.” I get up and my shoulder, knee and hips decide it’s a great time to go clacking. At least nothing comes out of place.

“Should your body be doing that?”

“Those noises and trying to come off? Yeah... I don't know what causes it, aside from my abnormal flexibility, but it's like that from time to time.” I try to stretch my back, forgetting it was cut, and I wince at the pain. “Shit... forgot it was hurt...” I sigh. “Well... to bed then.”

We walk back to camp and it seems everyone is already inside their tents. After wishing him a good night I enter the tent and find Cassandra and Sera apparently sleeping. I lay down on my belly because I don't want to strain my back further and fall asleep again.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Couldn't help it.. here you go, another one.

I don't get any visitors this time in my Beach. I spend the few hours I have to rest playing with the wisps. Somehow I feel their wish for a song, and I try to think of one. It's not long until a love song comes to me; I think the wisps really enjoy this kind of music. I focus hard on the song so I can have it playing in the background, it has such nice back vocals that it would be a waste not to take advantage of the Fade to have it playing.

“Don't walk away... See I just can't find the right thing to say. I tried but all my pain gets in the way. Tell me what I have to do so you'll stay. Should I get down on my knees and pray”.

“How can I stop losing you. How can I begin to say. When there's nothing left to do but walk away... yeah...”

“I close my eyes... just to try and see you smile one more time. But it's been so long now all I do is cry. Can't we find some love to take this away. 'Cause the pain gets stronger every day”.

“How can I begin again. How am I to understand. When there's nothing left to do but walk away... yeah...”

“See and why... all my dreams been broken. I don't know where we're going. Everything we said and all we've done now. Don't let go, I don't wanna walk away... And why... all my dreams been broken. I don't know where we're going. Everything begins to set us free... Can't you see... I don't wanna walk away.”

“If you go, I won't forget you girl... Can't you see... that you will always be. Even though I had to let you go. There's nothing left to do. Don't walk away.”

This song reminds me of Solas leaving Lavellan behind in Trespasser, and it almost makes me sad, but I hold on to the good feelings of love that comes with it. Love’s lessons definitely have been helping me a lot. The wisps seem to like the song but I don't have time to sing another one. I can hear people talking and I know Cassandra will wake me up soon.

 

We get oatmeal for breakfast and I can't say how happy I am to see it. I love oatmeal. Varric doesn't seem to enjoy it much, though. We make our way back to Haven, and as before, I ride with Cassandra.

At some point I start humming “You've Got a Friend” and Sera asks for a song that I have sung before so she can be updated on the songs the others have heard. Because I can't hope to remember all of them I have to ask Inspiration for help. He does help me and I sing “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” and “Someone in the Dark”.

“Oh, so that's why Varric said somethin' 'bout summoning people from the dark.” Sera says after I finish.

“That's right, Buttercup.”

“Being friends with demons is wrong, they’re dangerous.” Sera continues.

“I'm friends with spirits, they are lovely and you should get used to it.” I say, not caring if she doesn't like it.

“You should be killing them not making friends!” She sounds  **really** annoyed. I sigh.

 

We continue and she stops complaining about spirits and magic after no one gives her attention. When we stop for lunch Solas comes check on my wounds. Sera apparently didn't know my back was hurt and she startles when she sees the gashes.

“It is healing well.” Solas says while applying more poultices.

“That's good to know.”

“How did y'get those?” Sera asks.

“Demon from a rift before we got to Redcliffe.” I say, calmly.

“Oh shite. If I were there I could've helped.”

“You could, but also would be complaining too much about magic. I honestly prefer the pain to you complaining about magic.” I smirk.

“Oh shut up. I only say what's in everyone's mind yeah?”

“No Sera, you say what's in stubborn people's mind.” Guess if I say ignorant would be too offensive... “Magic isn't wrong, the mage using it could be, but that doesn't make all mages bad.”

“Still. I don't want magic anywhere close to me.”

“Let's see if you'll be like that if you happen to need healing.”

“I... That's... Urgh!”

Solas finishes with the bandages and then I make the tea while Cassandra prepares food. Varric brings me some fruits and doesn't hunt because we have enough supplies. When I'm changing my socks I remember Varric's comment about using footwraps and I wonder why exactly elves wear those.

“Solas,” I look at him watching the woods, “why do elves wear footwraps?”

“Not all do! I don't!” Sera says.

“Right... why do you and Dalish elves wear footwraps?” I ask him. He approaches me but doesn't sit.

“It helps to connect to the energies of nature in order to cast elemental spells.”

“But even those who are not mages wear them among the Dalish.”

“The Dalish are misguided and try to hold onto things they stumble upon in ruins. They do not understand what they see but still try to mimic it.”

“Can you tell me why they would think warriors should also use them?”

“You remember what I told you about magic in times of Elvhenan, do you not?”

“Oh, right. Every elvhen could use magic, so all of them would wear footwraps to connect to nature. I see.”

“Are you considering wearing them?”

“If only my feet weren't so fragile.”

“I could teach you an enchantment to protect them.”

“Oh, that makes sense. I doubt you could keep such pretty feet without enchantments.” Oh shit... I didn't just say that... I cover my mouth and he chuckles.

“No, I suppose not. It is an easy spell. Unfortunately I do not have any spare wrappings to give you.”

“Once we are back in Haven, then.” I manage to say.

“And there she goes getting elfy even if she's  **not** an elf!” Sera says, disgusted I think. “I can't understand the Herald!”

“Give it time, Buttercup, watch and you might.” Varric says with a smile.

We rest some more. I watch the woods and listen to the birds singing. The wind is so nice and I notice my hair is longer already. I wonder how long I've been here, I haven't been really counting. After we are back on the road I decide to ask.

“How long has it been since the Breach opened?”

“Almost two months.” Cassandra answers.

“Not good at counting time, Crystal?”

“Well, I spent much of that time unconscious, Varric.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Almost two months... and I haven't not-died yet. That's good... We continue in silence for most of the way, until Cassandra starts asking Sera about the Red Jennies. The only good thing about it is organizing the ‘little people’ as she calls them, because the way she uses such power is so wrong... I wonder if I can do something about it.

 

We make camp for the night and I sprain my ankle when coming down from the horse. Shit... this hurts... It's been years since I last sprained my ankle... this is definitely not something I have missed.

“What happened?” Varric asks and everybody comes to check on me while I whimper on the ground.

“I think she sprained her ankle.” Cassandra answers.

“Yes.” I say, trying to hold the tears, but it hurts so much that it's not easy.

Cassandra helps me walk to a better spot and I take off my boot. I might not be able to put it back after it swells... good thing I'm not walking... The only thing that could possibly help with this is ice... Solas.

“Solas, can you make a ball of ice for me?” I manage to say between pants. God this hurts...

“Of course.” He approaches me and I can feel the energy while he makes me the ball.

“Thank you so much.”

“There is no need to thank me for this. If only you could be properly healed.” He frowns.

Varric brings me my bag after I ask him to, since he was the closest one to the horse, and I get a shirt to wrap the ice ball. The feeling is a mixture of pain and relief. Pain because the cold stings being so close to the skin, and relief because it soothes the inflammation that is forming in the muscle.

Solas makes the tea for me since I'm tending to my ankle while Varric goes off with Sera to hunt. Cassandra prepares the soup. Because I can't really stand properly I don't take a bath tonight and I realize this is happening more often than I wished. Cassandra helps me into the tent and because of the pain it takes me long to fall asleep.

 

Once again I'm so glad that there is no pain in the Fade. Love visits me and we go through another meditation lesson. She surprises me when she asks me to sing her a song. I can't help singing to her the same one I sang for Solas: “Thank You for Loving Me”. She hugs me after I finish. Such a nice hug. I wake up feeling really good, despite the pain.

Solas is nice enough to give me another ball of ice and prepares the tea for me. Cassandra noticed I loved eating oatmeal in the scout's camp and brought some so I could eat in the mornings. Varric tells me a story about Fenris to cheer me up. Preparing for the day is hard... going around the trees and to the stream limping isn't nice. Then getting back on the horse is not easy either, but Cassandra manages it with Solas' help. I hate being such a burden, but I try not to hold on to those bad feelings. Think good things.

Having my foot dangling doesn't help it get better and it only gets even more swollen. I can barely pay attention to what they are talking about, the pain only gets stronger by the hour. When we finally stop for lunch I'm almost crying.

“Damn, Crystal. It breaks my heart to see you like that. Isn't there anything we can do?”

“Unfortunately not, Varric. If you manage to find fruits you would make me happier, though.” I try a smile but it comes out so weak.

“I'll see if I can find any.”

“Let me see if this helps you.” Solas says, kneeling next to me. I can feel the energy of his magic close to my foot, nice and cold. Unfortunately it's like it doesn't do anything. For some reason having the ball of ice helps, but his direct magic flowing to my injury doesn't. He notices it because he frowns and sighs. “I do not understand.”

“It's alright, Solas. Thank you for trying. I can keep using the ball.” He makes me another ball then. “Thank you.”

He prepares the fire and makes me more tea. It's hard to think about anything with my ankle throbbing the way it is so I don't catch what they talk about. I barely notice Solas giving me the tea when it's ready. I thank him again and drink it, not taking the ice from my foot.

My mood does get better when Varric comes with a lot of fruits for me. I give him the best smile I could muster and eat the berries, keeping the pears for later. The rest of the way isn't any less hard. I suppose my foot will only get better after we get to Haven.

“We can either push through the night or wait until morning.” Cassandra says after some time on the road. “What do you think will be best for you, Grace?”

“I honestly don't know, Cassandra. I think my foot will only get better after proper rest, but it hurts so much now. How much longer until we get there if we push?”

“Maybe five hours.” She says.

Five hours of throbbing pain to get proper rest on a bed or getting poor rest to stay on a horse again for more throbbing pain? Hmm...

“I think I can handle five more hours of pain.”

“Are you sure, Crystal? Your foot looks awful.”

“I prefer to speed this up. Five hours of pain to finally be able to rest is better than spending the night in pain and then have it hurting all over again on a horse.”

“I see your point.”

 

And then we push it through the night. We don't talk much so we don't disturb the night more than we’re already doing. The roads are safer but it's better not to tempt fate. The pain is strong, but I endure. I hear the horns signalling our arrival almost through a curtain. My mind is clouded by pain. This time when we arrive nobody tries to stop me to have a chat.

“She is hurt, we pushed through the night so she could have proper care.” Cassandra tells the advisors while getting me down from the horse.

“Is it serious?” Cullen asks.

“Not yet.” Solas says. “However, now that she is here it should heal quickly.”

“Can you take her to her cabin, Solas?” Cassandra asks. “I'll have her things sent to her later.”

“Of course, Seeker.” I can feel his arm supporting me. I'm a bit confused by what is happening but I limp my way there with his help.

I have a vague memory of Solas getting me in bed and then saying he would get something, or someone. The next thing I see is my beach. To my surprise Love doesn't come, Inspiration does. I take the opportunity to thank him for all the help he has given me.

“You have been able to control your thoughts and emotions.” He says. “I'm happy to say I will introduce my friend to you.” He gives me such a bright smile then.

“Oh, that is awesome!” I smile back.

“We should be able to make great things.” His energy becomes so much stronger and it also makes me feel warm. “I see you let your inspiration come back as well.”

“Is that what I feel? My mind seems... clear... I feel... bright.”

“That's right.” He holds my hands. “It is really good to see you are finding your way.” My way? “Next time I come I will bring him. We will make this place even better, you will see.”

“Oh I can't wait for it!”

We say goodbye and he leaves. It's a bit weird to see him so excited after seeing him being so serious while he was analyzing me. But I like both sides of him. I laugh when I see the wisps seem to agree with me.

“I wonder if you'll like what this place is going to become, my friends.” They seem to cheer, so I guess they are also looking forward to it.

I work on my castle, which is not getting much better, tools really are a must here, until I hear the Chantry bell and I decide to wake up after it rings again the fourth time. Eight in the morning is still pretty early by my old standards, but things seem to have changed after I came to Thedas.

 

When I open my eyes I see that my foot is bandaged. The pain is slightly better, but it still throbs, and it is on an elevation. Nice. I decide to stay some more time in bed, resting my foot. I want to clean myself, I'm still wearing the same clothes, but I don't want to put my foot to work just yet. I use magic to bring my bag to me, someone had left it by one of the chairs, and I get a book to read. I wonder if Solas will ever tell me what that book we found is about.

I finish the book and I don't really know what to do. Should I stay in bed? Resting? I feel a bit lazy to be honest. All this time and I barely had any time to myself. I know that I don't really have that luxury, I mean, the world is ending and I'm the only one who can stop it. But if I don't indulge myself with some selfishness I think I'm going to break again. I sigh.

Should I go talk to the advisors? There is so much to be done... I know if I get out of this bed I will have a lot of things to do. I'm not sure my foot can take it, though. The sprain itself doesn't seem to be that bad, what I noticed is that the time I spent with it hanging from the horse is what made it worse. I sigh. I want to stay in bed... but I have to get things moving... I feel guilty. I can't stay in bed when there is so much to be done. I decide to get up to face the day.

The moment I put my foot on the floor it hurts, but I have to bear with it. I go through my routine and decide to use my staff for support and go out to the Chantry, eating the pears from yesterday and taking the book with me so I can give it back to Solas later.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An entire chapter just for a meeting with the advisors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Is this too much? Thought I should speed things up a little.. I mean.. I'm writing chapter 64 so yeah.. I'm really ahead.. no point in holding on to so many chapters.

It's not easy to walk, but the staff helps. I’ll need someone to check on the wounds on my back and arm later. Specially my back... I wonder if I should go to the healer's ward. I guess I shouldn't bother Solas with this... While we’re on the field is one thing, here he doesn't have any obligation to look after me. It takes me longer than normal, but I get to the Chantry. I don't see anyone in the main room so I head to Josephine's office.

I knock and she tells me to enter. Her surprise to see me is quite obvious.

“Herald! You should be resting.” She gets up and helps me get to the couch. I thank her for the help. She also pulls the little table so I can rest my foot on it. “Why are you here? What can I help you with?” She sits beside me.

“I wanted to stay and rest to be honest, but there is just too much to be discussed. I couldn't stay in bed.”

“I understand the call of duty but you should not force yourself.”

“Well,” I chuckle, “I'm already here.” I smile. “Can you get a meeting? Cullen, Leliana and Cassandra?”

“I... are you sure you want to deal with that now? I know things are dire but-”

“I'm fine, it's just a sprained ankle. As long as I'm not standing I'll be fine.”

“I was told you have other injuries as well.”

“They are treated. I'll check on them later.” She sighs, defeated.

“If you insist. I'll call a meeting.”

She stands up and I hear her calling someone outside her room, I imagine it's a messenger or something similar. I try to get more comfortable on the couch while I wait. After she finishes dealing with the person she comes back.

“Want some tea?” She asks with a smile.

“I would like some, yes, thank you.” She pours some tea in a cup and hands it to me. I sip and it seems to be something similar to chamomile.

“I should let you know many people are impressed by your words in Val Royeaux.” She says after sitting beside me with her own cup.

“Oh yeah? Good impressed or bad impressed?”

“Well, there are both, of course. But it seems the amount of the good kind of impressed has increased considerably. The Inquisition is receiving many donations and many people also have joined our ranks.”

“Oh? That's great news. I'm glad I could do something to help.”

“Lady Vivienne also brought much influence with her joining.” I frown. “Don't you like her?”

“I... I don't like her kind, if I'm being honest. And I hate how she wants to put every mage back in the Circle.”

“I see. She did mention she would be working with me. I wondered if it was because you did not want her around.”

“I don't. I really don't think we would get along.” I sigh. “I'd prefer you deal with her and reap the benefits of this alliance with her, but I will not support her wishes. I told her, if she wanted to join she would have to deal with it. She wants the influence that comes with being part of the Inquisition, she'll have that. But the mages will be free if I have any say in it.”

“You are quite determined.” She sounds... surprised.

“Well... I can get a bit passionate when it comes to it. I never thought the treatment the mages received was fair, you know? Even before I found out I was one. Now I have even more reason to fight for it.”

“I suppose you do. You should also know the rumors that you were sent by the Maker are even stronger. Mainly because of the way your magic behaves.”

“I thought something like that would happen.” I sigh. “I just hope it doesn't become a problem. It hasn't, right?”

“On the contrary. It has helped us greatly. It's hard to dismiss claims of holiness when the person glows brightly and intensely and summons light from the heavens.” I raise an eyebrow.

“That's hardly what I do, Josephine.”

“Well, that is how people are seeing you.” She smiles and I sigh.

There is a knock on the door and Leliana enters soon after. She greets us and I greet her back.

“How are you feeling, Herald?” She asks, face as plain as ever.

“Could be worse, thank you.”

“Are you sure you should be out of bed?”

“Yes, there is much that needs to be discussed. I won't get worse just because of this.”

“If you say so.” She then sits on the other couch. “I have news from our spies, but it's better to wait for the others.”

“Of course.” I say.

We stay in awkward silence for a couple of minutes, then there is a knock and Cassandra comes in with Cullen. After more greetings they all sit down, Josephine going back to her chair to make room for Cassandra on the couch beside me.

“Herald-” Cullen begins but I interrupt him.

“If it's about me being out of bed, yes I know I should be resting but this won't make it worse. I'll check with the healers later and spend the rest of the day resting. I just couldn't stay there while there was so much to be discussed.” They all look at me surprised, except for Josephine who only shows a slight smile.

“Oh, of course.” He says. “Then let's start. We believe we found all tunnels and have cleaned most of them. Some are beyond fixing. Two of them lead right outside of Haven to secluded areas that are most useful for evacuations.” I feel a weight lift from my shoulders.

“That is awesome, Commander.” I say with a smile.

“We also got many recruits and some nobles even donated some defense equipment.”

“Oh, a lot of things happened around here, huh?”

“Indeed.” Josephine says. “The scholars arrived, they are only waiting for the chance to meet with you to assess your situation personally.”

“Maybe tomorrow?” I ask. “I'm not sure it will be good to meet with them today.”

“I also believe it's better.” She says. “Leliana, if you would tell us about the information from the spies.”

“Of course.” The Spymaster says with a nod. “The spies in the Order have reported grave news, and as you suspected, many Templars didn't agree with what they were doing. What is most alarming is the fact that they were killing the Templars who voiced such thoughts.”

“That is absurd!” Cullen says, quite angry. “What has the Orden fallen to?”

“We managed to get some of them out,” Leliana continues, “with minimal losses.”

“Damn... I hoped we could get them out without losing anybody.”

“It would be a miracle to achieve such thing.” She says, plainly. I wonder how she can be so cold. I sigh.

“What about the mages?”

“There is more about the Templars.” She continues. “Some of the Templars who joined us informed us about red lyrium. They seemed to be making experiment on their own.”

“How... how could Lord Seeker allow such a thing?” Cassandra sounds pained. I take a peek at Cullen and see he is  **very** distressed. I'm pretty sure he would break something if he could.

“What kind of experiment?” I ask even though I already know.

“They don't really know, unfortunately. They only know that many died and others simply disappeared.”

“Whatever it is, it isn't good.” Cullen says, voice rough.

“Now, about the mages.” Leliana says. “We have more disturbing news. Even though we could not get to the mages, we got the Tranquils. Cassandra already debriefed us on what you found in Redcliffe and it only adds to the terrible news my spies delivered.” Just get on with it... geez... “ As soon as the Magister took control of the mages he ordered the Tranquils to be removed from town, we at first assumed he wouldn't have use for them. But as they tried to evacuate the Tranquils, our spies were ambushed.”

“Ambushed?” Cassandra asks before I could.

“Yes. We managed to save the Tranquils, they are in Haven already. But what we discovered about the attack is disturbing. One of my spies could get information out of one of the attackers, who said they were supposed to take the Tranquils to a place. I had people check said place and the Magister wanted the Tranquils inconspicuously brought there so they could be used in a ritual.”

“Maker's breath!” Cullen says. “What sort of ritual? Blood magic?”

“We do not know the specifics,” Leliana continues, “we need a mage we can trust to go through the information. Whatever that ritual entails, it requires the Tranquils to die, so they can turn their skulls into something called Ocullarum.” Everyone express distress at the report.

“Damn... did they manage to start making those things?” I ask.

“I couldn't find anything that suggested they did, no.” Leliana answers. I take a deep breath. At least  **something** good...

“Red lyrium with Templars, Tevinter Magister with the mages.” Cassandra says and I don't know if she is sad or annoyed. “And we have a hole in the sky spitting down demons. Maker help us.”

“Don't worry, Cassandra.” I say, trying to improve her mood. “We will fix this. Don't lose faith.”

“I...” She sighs. “Thanks, Grace. So, we got some Templars and Tranquils to the Inquisition?”

“That's right.” Josephine says. “I already set the Tranquils to work with Adan, in the library and in other places where their skills could be useful. The Templars are working under the Commander.”

“They are.” He sighs. “They don't have the best morale at the moment, but they are good men. The fact that they didn't follow their former companions into that crazy plan already proves this much.”

“I just hope they don't harass any mages, Commander.” I say and he frowns.

“They wouldn't.”

“I hope not. Because I want to save the mages from Alexius.” His expression is both shock and anger.

“We should stop that red lyrium experiment they are doing on the Templars, Herald. The mages brought that on themselves.”

“I could say the same about the Templars, being as stubborn and short sighted as they are. And have you forgotten about the fact Redcliffe is under  **Time Magic** commander? The place is a menace.” I know red lyrium is too but nothing can be done about that... they are already doomed even if we save the rest that can still be saved.

“I agree with Grace, Cullen.” He looks at Cassandra, confused. “We have discussed this on the way here from Redcliffe and she has a good point. We can't allow a Tevinter Magister to take away our mages as slaves, and using time magic to distort reality.”

“And even if we ignored it and went for the Templars, whatever it is they are doing we are already too late to stop.” I insist. “We could save a few more Templars but the mages would benefit more from our help.”

“We don't have enough Templars to watch over those mages.” He sighs scratching his nape.

“And it shouldn't be necessary, anyway.” I say and he looks confused at me this time. “I want them to be our allies, Commander. Free. No Templars controlling what they do.”

“We can't possibly allow this!” He says and looks to the others.

“The mages already suffered enough abuse, Commander.” I say, trying to stay firm. “This absurd war is proof enough that continuing to treat them as caged animals doesn't work.”

“Mages are dangerous, Herald!” He insists. “We can't risk abominations!”

“Under the right circumstances no mage would become an abomination. That is something that only happens to desperate mages or the ones who didn't have enough information. Mages can take care of themselves, they can educate themselves to be strong and not to fall under demon influence.”

“Even if that was true it would scare people to have them around!” He says.

“It scares them because the vision they have are of cornered mages. Tell me, Commander, what does an animal do when you take away from it all its options to flee?”

“It... attacks.”

“And that is what usually happens with the mages. Aside from people who are evil and do it because they think it's fun, the mages who end up causing damage do it because they don't have any more options.”

“I was in Kirkwall, I saw what desperate mages are capable of doing.”

“And you also know  **why** they were desperate, don't you, Commander?”

“Do you all agree to this?” He says, looking to the others.

“I believe the mages deserve a chance to prove themselves.” Leliana says.

“The Herald has good points.” Josephine says. Cullen sighs.

“Fine. We will help the mages then. How are we supposed to do this? We can't storm Redcliffe.”

“Definitely not.” Josephine says. “An army marching there would be considered an act of war.”

“Cassandra told us about what the Magister's son said.” Leliana says. “That the Venatori are obsessed with you. I believe he will try to get to you soon. We need only to wait.”

“Are you serious?” Cullen says. “After all this discussion and the way things are you simply advise us to  **wait** ?”

“Yes.” She says, firmly. “I know how this game plays, Commander. We should get news on this soon.” He sighs. “There is something else we should discuss. Some of my spies reported the Grey Wardens are missing. At first I dismissed this as something the Wardens could do, or that they might have gone to Weisshaupt, but it doesn't seem to be the case.”

“And what do you think could be happening?” I ask even though I know.

“I do not know.” She says. “But it can't be good. Wardens don't just disappear, even without a Blight. I have news of  **one** Grey Warden, though. He was last seen around the Crossroads in the Hinterlands.”

“And you want me to check this out I take it?” She nods. “Why? I mean, can't you send your spies to check on him?”

“I could. But it would probably alarm him. You not only are one of our agents, but also the Herald of Andraste. That should give him some pause.” I sigh.

“What if he doesn't prove to be useful?” I ask, because I know he won't be. And I'm not really looking forward to recruiting him. What's the point of recruiting him? He doesn't really add to anything... and I don't even like him...

“We could still benefit from the experience of a Grey Warden.” Cullen says and Leliana nods.

“Indeed. My reports suggest this Grey Warden has years of experience behind him. He should be useful for the Inquisition.”

“Fine. I'll talk to him.” I rub my eyebrows. “After we deal with the mages.”

“Of course.” She says. “The mages are our priority. There is also a message from a group of mercenaries.”

“Who are these mercenaries?” I knew a lot of things would happen but I didn't expect to have them tossed at me like this.

“The Iron Bull's Chargers.” She says and I have to suppress the ‘Oh right…’ that wanted to come out. “We received a message from their leader, the Iron Bull, asking to meet with you. He wants you to observe his work, and should you approve, he wants to join us.”

“Just like that?” She nods. “And where are they?” I ask even though I know. And I don't really know when or how we should go there.

“They are working in the Storm Coast. Intercepting Tevinter mercenaries.”

“So we have a Tevinter Magister kidnapping mages for a Tevinter cult and Tevinter mercenaries working on the coast. Am I the only one thinking this isn't a coincidence?”

“No.” Cullen says. “But we can't link them yet.”

“Do we have time to do this after the mages? Or is it time sensitive? Meeting with these Iron Bull's Chargers?”

“Because we do not know what the mercenaries from Tevinter are doing, we can't be sure the Iron Bull's Chargers will stay there for long.” Leliana says. “You shouldn't delay your travel much.”

“She can't travel in this state, though.” Cassandra says.

“Yeah, no way I can have my foot dangling from a horse for a few days.”

“Of course. There is also the matter of this Sera.”

“Oh, right.” I say while fixing my hair behind my ears. “I hope you can have her working with you, Leliana.”

“With me?”

“Yes. You probably know what she is, so I'm going straight to my idea. She can organize servants and other kinds of 'little people' as she calls them, but she uses them for stupid reasons; mainly revenge that benefits no one. I know you can work through people's mind much better than I ever could hope to be able to. So I was hoping you could make her realize that what she is doing isn't really helpful. She is smart, but short sighted. With your help we could organize the 'little people' so they could benefit the Inquisition's plans. Basically we would have spies  **everywhere** and we could have a much better notion of the state of things. Because we can't trust nobles to be trustworthy. And we’ll be able to know how people are  **really** being treated. I want to help the 'little people' just as much as she does, I just don't believe she is doing it right.”

“Yes, I see what you mean. And I agree with you. I will do this.”

“And if you could focus a little bit more on the elves, I would appreciate it.” She raises her eyebrows. I think it's the first honest expression I see on her face. Well, I guess it's honest.

“Elves?”

“She doesn't like elves much, as much as she tries to put everyone as the same  **people** she talks too much about how elves shouldn't be treated differently even though they have it worse than anyone else. She is an elf but she doesn't see the prejudice. I, on the other hand, want to fix this. People should stop treating elves as the lowest being.”

“They have indeed suffered much.”

“They still do.” She nods. “Can you pay special attention to elven matters?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. Any luck with those herbs?” I ask hoping that either Josephine or Leliana would give me a positive answer. Josephine answers.

“Not yet, Herald. I'm sorry.” I sigh.

“Well... it's not like I never had to bear with this before.” But I wasn't in such extreme conditions before...

“Is there anything else someone would like to talk about?” Josephine asks and nobody says anything. “Then I assume the meeting is over. Herald, you should see a healer for those injuries.”

“Yes, I'll do that now.”

“Can you make it there on your own?” Cassandra asks.

“Yes. Don't worry.” I give her a smile.

“The healers' ward is on the way, I'll accompany you.” Cullen says and stands up.

I stand up with the help of the staff and Cullen opens the door for me and I thank him. The others stay in the room. We make our way out.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healers, a lot of thinking and more dialogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Expect a lot of dialogue while they are in Haven this time. Specially between Solas and Grace. They talk a lot.

“How are you feeling?” Cullen asks me after we leave the Chantry.

“Could be better, could be worse.” I chuckle and he sighs.

“Are you in pain? Cassandra said you have some really serious injuries.”

“Commander,” I look at him with a smile, “I'm always in pain. But right now, it's not that bad.”

“Your situation is unheard of. I wish there was a way to help you.” I hear him sigh.

“So do I.”

“Are you sure the mages can be trusted?” He says after we are almost at my destination.

“As much as anyone can be trusted. Mages aren't inherently dangerous or evil. Magic is just another weapon, one that the wielder was born with. But someone who isn't a mage can learn to use their body as weapon too.”

“But the damage a mage can inflict is much greater than a punch, Herald.” He says.

“What about the mages who don't learn offensive magic, Commander? Punches would kill them. The problem isn't the magic, is the person using it. And the only way to make sure people won't use it wrong is to teach them to use it right. And locking them away, with abusive jailors watching over them, taking away any freedom or source of knowledge only makes it worse. As people learn how to work with their magic, as they have the knowledge necessary to deal with everything that comes with it, we can have a much safer and fairer world. If you think about this, you'll see what I see: the Chantry didn't make the Circles to keep people safe. The Chantry made the Circles to control people. To control the mages and to control the people who watch the mages, and to control the people who fear the mages. Fear is the greatest leash, Commander.” I'm surprised he would listen to me talk, but I suppose his doubts in the Order makes it easy for him to listen to new perspectives.

“I can't say I agree with you at this point, but I will try to think about it. You are right when you say the method failed. It's clear as day. I just hope the mages don't make us regret this decision.” He sighs and then looks ahead, the healers' ward. “I hope they can help you. Have a good day, Herald.”

“You too, Commander. Thanks for listening.” I give him a smile and he smiles back with a nod.

I go into the large building that would look like a warehouse -if that isn't exactly what it used to be before- if it wasn't for the large sign saying it is the healers' ward and for a  **lot** of sheets and towels hanging in front to dry. Inside thankfully there aren't many people being treated. I assume most of the damage has already been done, for now. To think there will be many more people being hurt after we get the mages and the red templars start their horror show. I sigh and try to focus on the now. I look around, trying to identify someone who would be a healer. I got no idea what I'm really looking for, so I approach, timidly of course because I hate talking to unknown people, the closest person that is standing: a woman in robes.

“Good afternoon.” I say. “I... er... I was hoping I could get a healer to check on some injuries.”

“Oh, Maker, the Herald of Andraste!” I can see she is trying to keep her voice low. “Of course, who needs help?”

“I do.” She takes her hand to her mouth and takes a look over me. “It was already treated on the field but I need to know if it's better, if I'll need to have something applied, you know.”

“Yes, of course. Come sit over here, I'll take a look.”

She takes me to one of the beds and I sit down. I go over showing her my sprained ankle, which she applies a balm to and bandages it again. Then I take off my shirt, and the movement doesn't hurt as much so I assume the cuts are better, but I wince nonetheless because ‘not as much’ means it  **still** hurts. She checks my arm, which is a lot better because the cut wasn't so deep as the ones on my back. It’s quite painful to have her cleaning the injuries and then applying the poultice on the gashes, but once it's done she bandages me again and she helps me dress. I thank her and make my way to Solas' cabin, feeling extremely sore. Maybe I should drink the tea first? Nah... this shouldn't take long. I'll just give him back the book.

 

When I get to his cabin I notice his presence inside. And I feel like a part of me is back inside me. I realize, then, it's because I was used to have him beside me all these days, and since yesterday he wasn't near. This is so weird... It's not like missing someone because you like being near them, it's like physically and emotionally missing someone. As if I had a hole and now I'm whole again, if my life was complete. Is this because I love him? I was going to knock when the ward lifts and the door opens.

“Good afternoon, Grace.” He says with a frown. “Are you well?”

“Huh? Er... Yeah? I guess. I mean, I'm sore and all, but yeah. Er... good afternoon.” He tilts his head. “Sorry... I didn't expect you to open the door when I was about to knock. Are you leaving?”

“No, I noticed you there for longer than normal and thought to check. Do you want to come inside?”

“Oh.” Are there any wards here other than the one on the door? “Well, I just got lost in thoughts. But well, the reason I'm here is to give you back the book. I finished reading it.” I hand him the book. It's the one we were reading together in the garden. He takes it from me.

“What are your thoughts about it?”

“It only makes me hate the Chantry and the Circle even more.” I sigh.

“So I see your opinion about them hasn't changed.”

“Heh, not at all; it only strengthened. I can't believe people actually believe what's written in there is fair!” My little outburst makes me forget about my foot and I put more pressure over it than I should, and I whimper.

“You should not stay on your foot, you know that.”

“Yes, I know. I wasn't planning to.” I sigh. “I just came back from the healers' and I stopped here to return your book. I'll go back to bed. I should eat but I'm not really hungry.”

“You could have given me the book later.” He says, calmly.

“Yes, I know.” Guess I wanted to see him even without noticing it... “Well, it's done.” I smile. “Ah, when are you going to teach me more magic? Oh and that spell for the footwraps. Oh and the elvhen lessons too!” He chuckles.

“You are injured and you still want to learn instead of resting.”

“Well... I can't help it.” I fix my hair behind my ears.

“We can start something tomorrow.”

“I have to meet with the scholars Josephine brought here, I guess it'll be in the morning, they like to do everything in the morning...” I sigh. “I'll come here after lunch then?”

“I will wait for you then.”

“Alright. Good day, Solas.” I smile.

“Take care, Grace.”

 

I make my way home, limping. When I enter I take off my boots and go make some tea for the pain. After drinking it I lay down on the bed, on my belly. What should I do? I'm feeling too lazy to read, I'm not really in the mood to draw. Guess I'll sleep... I close my eyes and even though I'm not really sleepy I go to the Fade. I know I shouldn't sleep for long, but I want to enjoy some time with the wisps. I wish I could understand this change they are going through. It doesn't seem to be something bad, though. And I guess Solas and the spirits would have said something if it was.

I wake up around two hours later and I still have no idea about what I should do. If I was still on Earth I would probably be playing some video game or searching something in the internet; now I have nothing really fun to do. Guess I'll just spend time outside. I shouldn't be walking, though. I sigh. Okay... let's think strategy then…

We should get an invitation to meet with Alexius in the next days, then we go there and are sent to that fucked up future. I guess there is no helping it... I sigh. It'll be hard to see Solas in that state. And Varric too... even Cassandra will break my heart. I take a deep breath. At least knowing what to expect should lessen the shock somewhat...

After saving the mages we go to Blackwall? Or to Iron Bull first? Hmm... Probably better to get Blackwall, he'll be already nearby. I wonder how scary Iron Bull really is... tall strong horned man... guess that should make him pretty scary... And that man is so cunning... oh god... I don't mind having Solas analyzing me, he needs the mark on my hand... but Bull? Bull is only here to spy on us... Shit... This'll be hard. Can I not make myself suspicious? Hope I can... I take a deep breath.

After getting Iron Bull we come back to Haven. The mages should have already gotten back from Redcliffe and we'll be able to close the Breach. I guess that's a good way to go about... I hope it is...

How long until Corypheus attacks us? Would he attack because we saved the mages or because we closed the Breach? If it's because of the mages closing the Breach shouldn't change anything in his plans... and the sooner we come back the better... because we can't close the Breach after Haven is gone... shit... this puts a whole new perspective in my head... Urgh... too much pressure... why did I stop to think about this again? Fuck... I squeeze the pillow under my arms.

Wait... now that I  **do** think about it, if I remember it correctly... yeah... Cole says Corypheus is mad because we took his mages... shit... this really isn't about closing the Breach, the attack is because of the mages... Well... he would need to come all the way from Therinfal Redoubt to here... it's not a quick travel... specially with an army... even if they are red templars... we might have enough time to get Bull and come back... still would be better to do it fast... no stopping to explore the beach yet... we can always go back there later...

So... we should be leaving in a week or something... I still don't have my potion... my hormones are already a mess... I'm hurt in three different places with completely different injuries... in one week my back won't be fully healed... guess my arm won't be either. At least my foot should be better by then... Guess I should get another flask of vinegar just in case... don't want to run out of it again... I sigh and squeeze the pillow harder, rubbing my face on it for comfort. Back to strategy...

So we leave in a week... it should take us three or two days to get there... then we save the mages and go fetch Blackwall to go to the Storm Coast. That should be around one more day in the Hinterlands. Corypheus should get news in the same day. If I can calculate the time by what I remember of the map... it should take us four or five days to get to the Storm Coast from the Hinterlands... then a week or more back to Haven. Shit... no wonder Corypheus attacks us hours after we close the Breach... he would be right on our heels…

After a few moments to think it through I come to a conclusion: If he attacks us because of the mages then we should get Blackwall, then Iron Bull and collect the mages on our way back... that should give us some days to prepare for the attack... but... what if those days that will take us to get Iron Bull and come back end up being far too much time and Alexius takes the mages away?  **That** is a risk I can't take... I take another deep breath. Would he take the mages away before I go see him? He  **is** obsessed with the Herald of Andraste after all... he would want to kill me for his master before leaving... wouldn't he? I sigh. If only I could talk to someone about this... I decide to think about something more immediate.

I need new armor... my chest piece is in shreds... I doubt we got better materials but I should also check for a new staff... I should update the quartermaster's map too... Damn... I forgot to talk to them about Valammar... well, Cassandra probably already did... they will probably send people there... I just hope they don't die...

What kind of spell should I ask Solas to teach me next? Or will he suggest something? I want to learn healing... I hope my problem with being healed doesn't affect my ability to heal others... He will probably say my focus is not good enough for healing... My focus is a lot better now, though... I sigh.

I decide to put my improved focus to use, and I must say it’s an interesting idea. I wonder why nobody does it. Since we can use magic to lift things, why not use it to lift ourselves? I sit up in bed, legs crossed in front of me, and try to focus on the Fade, willing the tendrils of energy around my body. There is a little tingling but it doesn't feel bad.

I don't see any visual changes but I'm pretty sure I'm enveloped in energy. I will the tendrils, which are now a bubble, to move me up. If I managed those stones at the entrance of those ruins, I can manage about sixty kilos of my own weight... It's not easy, even if I can control better the energy from the Fade, but I keep trying. If this works much of my problems would be fixed... no more falling, no more limping...

I have to stop channeling for a few minutes so I can rest my mind and body, but I don't give up. And my persistence pays off around one hour later, when I manage to get my body floating some centimeters from the bed. I try to keep myself in the air for as long as possible, which ends up being for around twenty seconds. I wonder how much training would be needed to increase the time. I don't force myself to the point where I would be lightheaded. After so much casting and focus training with Love I learned to recognize the signs that lead to it, so I stop to rest before it happens.

I decide to train some more before stopping to eat, trying to see if I can move myself around and not only float. There is not much movement I can do in twenty seconds, since I'm still learning and I move  **very** slowly, but I know I can do it without too much strain. So now I have a new objective: increasing the time I can keep myself in the air. And I still have to train my Barrier. I wonder if Solas will want to spar some more while we're here in Haven.

I get up from bed and my ankle still hurts, which isn't really surprising. I wish I could float myself to the tavern, but I can't, so I try to bear with the pain and I leave my cabin after wearing back the boots. I take the staff with me for support.

 

When I enter the tavern I don't see varric, there aren't many people around either. Flissa greets me and says people have been talking about me in the healers' building, worried that I would be seriously injured. I assure her it's nothing serious, just some small cuts I can't treat myself and a sprained ankle. She gives me the usual food and I go to my table, resting my injured foot on another chair. When I'm about halfway through my bowl Varric enters and I wave at him. He waves back and joins me at the table after getting a drink.

“How's your first day back in Haven?” He asks. “Got some rest?”

“Yeah... sleeping on a bed again is awesome, really.” He chuckles. “But I couldn't stay there all day either. Did you notice the changes in Haven?”

“Heh, have I! I've heard people are uneasy with the amount of Tranquils, because of the way they behave, you know.”

“Yeah, I wonder if there is a way to revert Tranquility.”

“There you go again thinking about complicated stuff!” He laughs and drinks some of his stuff.

“Do you think they should be cured?”

“Cured? That's one way to put it I guess. Well, you know how things got messed up in Kirkwall and Meredith was punishing mages with Tranquility for the stupidest of reasons, but some mages that have been made Tranquil  **are** dangerous, you know?”

“I know, but if someone does something bad you don't turn them into... emotionless beings. You arrest them or take away their stuff.”

“Or sentence them to death.” He points out. “But how would someone control mages, Crystal?”

“There must be a better way. What do they do in Tevinter?”

“Oh I don't know. And considering the kind of bad people they have over there I'm not really sure I want to know.”

“Hmm. I think I'll do some research.”

“As much as you are playing an important part, I doubt you could do much on  **that** front, you know?”

“Oh I don't know, we have both Hands of the Divine here, one of them is a Seeker of Truth.” And I'll be Inquisitor... for all that's worth.

“Well, good luck.”

“Heh, thanks Varric. I'll need it.” I finish eating. “Well, time to go rest some more. Good night.”

“Good night, Crystal.”

I make my way back and prepare for bed. Not that I'm sleepy, but I don't intend on leaving bed anymore today. At least not on foot. I train more levitation until I'm too tired to continue, and then I go to the Fade.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace meets another spirit, has a meeting with the scholars and has elvhen lessons with Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Grace's elvhen name comes from Project Elvhen:Book of Names by FenxShiral.

I protect my beach, as always, and I'm soon visited by Inspiration and another spirit. If the energy from Inspiration before was already so intense when mine reacted to him, having that other spirit near is just an explosion of ideas. My mind felt extremely clear even though I felt like I could think about many things if I wanted to.

“Hello Grace.” Inspiration says and I greet him back. He continues. “This is the friend I told you about. Creativity.”

“Hey!” The spirit besides him says excitedly. He looks young and full of energy. He shows himself in light clothes, his hair is wavy and stops just below his shoulders. He is so different. Kindness is pretty casual but this one is even more. “I heard  **all** about you! I'm sure we can make great things!  **So many** fun things!” He paces around, looking at the wisps, at the waves, then comes up to me. Inspiration comes closer, but at a much slower pace.

“Do you want to experiment on this beach?” Inspiration asks. “He is really excited to improve this place.” He gives me a smile and looks at Creativity watching everywhere as if he was overflowing with ideas.

“Oh, I would love to!” I say, and god, it would be awesome to have more things here. A wooden cabin maybe? So I can have a library here too? Maybe I'll build statues too? My mind just started bringing me every sort of idea.

“Oh, you have many ideas too!” Creativity says looking at me once again. He takes my hand and moves it excitedly in the air. “Let your own creativity flow, my friend. We can do whatever you want here!” While still holding my hand, he places his other arm around Inspiration's shoulders. “We three have what it takes to make greatness! And even the wisps want to help!”

I can't hold the laughter. This is such an unique experience. If only we had many days to work here, but I guess we could still do much just in this night; there are always more nights to come back and continue, right? I feel so excited. And seeing them here, along with the wisps, with this place that is almost an empty canvas, I can't help thinking about The Sims. Just let my imagination flow. Imagination. It reminds me of a song that I heard a really long time ago. Inspiration seems to catch my thought, or aura as it goes, and helps me with it.

The song starts playing in the background and with all our energies combined, there is just such pure energy of creation here in the beach now. I believe anything could be achieved. I start singing along with the music and the spirits dance around me, even Inspiration dances with Creativity. They seem to be close friends.

“Come with me... and you'll be... in a world of pure imagination. Take a look... and you'll see... into your imagination. We'll begin... with a spin. Traveling in the world of my creation... what we'll see... will defy explanation”.

“If you want to view paradise... simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Wanna change the world? There's nothing to it.”

“There is no life I know... to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free... if you truly wish to be. Oh”.

“If you want to view paradise... simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it. Wanna change the world? There's nothing to it”.

“There is no... life I know... to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free... if you truly wish to be”.

After the song ends we start working on the beach. I know I want some sort of beach house, made of wood, with a veranda with a couch so I can lay comfortably and lazily sometimes. The spirits provide me with ideas and the means to summon such a thing. They help me search through my memories and provide me with their own so I can call it to my area of the Fade. It hits me then, the reason I never could summon the tools for the castle. I was doing it wrong. I need to associate it with a memory, not simply wish it was there.

It takes us the whole night and part of the day, I know because of the Chantry bell ringing, but I ignore it, there is just so much still to be done here and it's not like I got something really important to do, right? When it rings for the third time I remember I had to meet with the scholars, so unfortunately I couldn't sleep until noon. I say goodbye to the spirits, hugging them because I feel so close to them now. Not only Kindness and Love, but Inspiration and even Creativity, even if I just met him, feel like are my true family and I'm free to express my feelings with them. Everything feels just so natural with them.

I leave my beach to wake up, having built a nice wooden cabin, just the way I wanted on the outside; there is still too much work to be done inside, but it has a nice veranda with a comfortable couch, little steps leading up to the veranda, coming straight from the sands. The wind from the sea embraces the whole place, there is no single place in the veranda that isn't hit by the awesome sea air. I wonder what Solas is going to think about the place when he sees it.

I stretch in bed and I get a cramp on my shoulder. After a few minutes massaging it I get up and prepare the tea. While it cools I get ready for the day. My foot thankfully doesn't hurt as much, but I suppose I should still check with the healers.

 

After drinking the tea and washing the cup I make my way to Josephine's office. She tells me to enter and helps me with my foot again.

“I ended up forgetting to ask you about the time when I should meet with the scholars.” I say.

“Oh, I'm also at fault there. I completely forgot to tell you.” She says after sitting back at her desk. “It should be after lunch, but since you are already here I'll ask them to come.”

“I appreciate it if you do. I have to meet with Solas after lunch.”

“I'm really sorry, Herald. With so many things happening I should have let you know. I'm not doing my job properly if this kind of thing happens.”

“It's alright, Josephine.” I smile trying to reassure her. “I understand, a lot of things  **really** happened lately, it's normal to be overwhelmed.”

“Still. It will not happen again.” She then goes outside to get the message to that person.

While we wait she gives me more tea and I let her work on her letters in silence. We don't have to wait much for the scholars to arrive, and I must say they are quite the unique bunch. One has that kind of parted greasy hair with curved mustache, I find out his name is Loui, I'm not going to get to surnames because I don't really remember them. There is another man with a nice hat, he is quite old, I assume over fifties, who is called Bernard. And a woman, quite fancy one, who is called Jeanette. They go about telling me how they should be able to fix any problems I have because the University is amazing and they are the best they got. And they “can't let the Herald suffering because the world needs the Herald”.

I end up having to tell them everything about my health, which includes pain, inability to being healed by magic or potions, sensitivity to almost everything, weak body in every possible sense, being easily hurt, hormone problems, and the need for a healthy diet. Guess I didn't forget anything? Hope I haven't. I usually don't go alone to doctor appointments because I tend to forget what to mention.

They tell me the Ambassador had mentioned I had issues and that she  **had** mentioned the inability to be healed but that they couldn't have imagined I would have all the other problems too. They get some objects that remind me of some doctor tools and go about checking me. Josephine at first suggested that I go to a private place but I didn't mind and they also suggested that she kept record. I think someone else could do that but I don't really mind that she's the one doing it. Specially because I already know her. It's already too much to be surrounded by three strangers.

I don't really know how advanced medicine is in Orlais, but they seem to get some of the causes of my problems right. They know about anaemia, which makes it easier for me to deal with it and get treatment. They notice I  **am** currently anaemic and say they are going to get something done for me soon. The cause for my weakness and inability to being healed they couldn't figure out, they say they are going to keep researching and come back to me for more tests. They confirm my theory that  _ that _ potion would help my hormone problem, but since we don't have access to that damn herb I would have to keep waiting for it. I should go see them in the third floor of the healers' building in about three days, when they should have something to tell me.

“Well... that was... intense.” I say to Josephine after they leave.

“Definitely. I got notes that I'll keep for the record in case we find something more we could help you with.”

“Yeah... but I wouldn't keep my hopes up.” No doctor ever figured me out...

“Don't be so pessimist, Herald!” She gives me a smile, I think she might be trying to cheer me up?

“Well... I'll try. Sorry to disturb your work, Josephine. I'll go eat something and then go meet with Solas.”

“It is fine, really. I just hope they can get something to help you soon.”

“So do I... I might have to leave for Redcliffe in a few days if Leliana's prediction is correct.”

“I get chills just thinking about that Magister.”

“Yeah... he is quite creepy... anyway... good day, Josephine.” I smile.

“Good day, Herald.”

I make my way outside and notice dark clouds. Does that mean snow? Would be nice to see snow falling I guess... I get to the tavern and it is quite full, but my table is empty and Varric isn't around. I get my food and after I eat I go to Solas' cabin. I feel him inside and after I knock twice he opens it for me with a greeting.

“Good afternoon, Grace.” Expression as neutral as always.

“Good afternoon, Solas. What are we doing today?”

“Come in.” He makes way for me to enter and I do so. “Sit.” I sit at the table and he goes towards the bookshelf.

“Oh, that reminds me, have you figured out what that elvhen book is about?”

“Yes. It seems to be a history book.” He gets a book from the shelf and sits on the other chair.”

“Why they warded a history book?”

“I am still investigating that.” He places the book in front of him but only places his hand on it. The cover is completely blank. “How are you feeling?”

“My foot is better. Still hurts, but better. I still have to go check my back with the healers, though.”

“If you wish I could look at it.”

“I don't want to bother you with it. You already had to bear with me while we were on the field.”

“It is no bother, otherwise I would not offer.” He says so calmly... How can he be like that all the time? Well... most of the time.

“Well... sure, then. I trust you more than I do them anyway. And your touch is a lot better than theirs too...” Shit... I didn't just say that. “I mean... you know how to touch without hurting me...” Crap... that doesn't help much either... “I mean... urgh...” He chuckles and I run my hand over my face.

“I am glad I can treat you without hurting you further.”

“Yes, thank you.” Damn you social skills...

“This book,” he slides it over to me, “is a simple journal. It contains transcriptions of murals found in elvhen ruins.”

“Oh? That's interesting! Does it mean you're going to teach me elvhen today?”

“Indeed.” He gives me a small smile. I smile back brightly, both at his expression because even the smallest smile is perfect on him and because I wanted so bad to learn elvhen.

“Ooooh! Thank you, Solas!”

“Why are you thanking me?”

“For trusting me enough to teach me!”

“There is no need to thank me for that. I see you do not have your papers today.”

“Sorry, I wasn't expecting you to teach me elvhen, and I wasn't drawing anything.”

“No problem.” He stands up and gets paper and pencil on the other table that I assume is where he usually works, it’s full of things; organized, but full. He comes back and hands the stuff to me. “Let us start simple. Do you know what my name means?”

“Pride.” He raises both eyebrows. Should I have lied? It slipped so easily...

“That is right. Do you know what your name would be in elvhen?” I shake my head. I have no idea...

“Can my name be translated to elvhen? That's awesome!” He seems shocked about this answer as well.

“It can. You would be known as Enasa.”

“Oh, that's a nice one!” I smile and he smiles too. “How can I write it?”

“Writing it will make it much more complicated for you.”

“I learn better by writing it down... so if you don't mind I would like if you taught me writing as we begin too.”

“Then...” he tilts his head, “how did you not know how to read common?” Oh shit...

“I...” I sigh. I don't want to lie... not to him... “Solas... if I tell you this I would have to tell you other things... and I'm not ready to talk about those things yet... I assure you, I will tell you them one day... but... not today?” He observes me, as if looking inside me, then he sighs.

“Of course. I told you I would not pry, I apologize.”

“It's alright, I wish I could tell you but... I just can't do it now.”

“Give me the paper and sit closer. I will teach you how to write it.” I'm pretty sure my eyes go bright.

“Sure!” I move the chair closer to him and hand him the stuff so he can start writing and explaining what they are.

We stay there the whole afternoon. He shows me the alphabet, which I'm going to practice the writing when I'm alone, how they sound, and I take notes so I can remember, and I learn how to write his name and mine. I notice the language is extremely complicated, as he said, complex. But he is patient and I want so badly to learn this, I will do my best.

“We should stop for today,” he says, “your mind needs time to assimilate the new knowledge.”

“Oh I wish I could go nonstop.” I stack the papers I used and separate them from the others, that I place together with the pencil for him to keep later.

“You are thirsty for knowledge.”

“Always am.” I smirk. “Learning is my life, really. I told you, if there is nothing for me to learn my life becomes dull.” I end up remembering the sad years of my life, and I shake my head to try and get rid of those thoughts. Think good things. “Sorry... my mind slipped away to a bad memory...”

“You seem to have many of those.”

“Yeah... I do. But! I also have a really nice one from yesterday!” I give him a bright smile and he raises an eyebrow. “You should come to my beach tonight, I think you'll like it.”

“Now you have me curious.” He smiles.

“That's good! Well... I already took too much of your time.” I stand up and put the papers inside the diary. “Will we continue this tomorrow?”

“If you are still hurt, yes. Which reminds me, let me check on your wounds.”

“Oh... right.” I place the diary on the table again and take off my shirt while he stands up. Er... I didn't even think twice... well... after the amount of times he had to check on my back this is hardly surprising.. And it's not like I'm not all wrapped up anyway...

I turn my back to him and he takes off the bandages. He has such light touches... nothing compared to that woman yesterday. He also takes off the bandages from my arm.

“It is better, but it should still take a few more days to fully heal. Specially the injury on your back.”

“Yeah... I thought as much. It doesn't hurt so much anymore, though.”

“That is a good sign. I will clean the wound and apply more poultice.” After a few seconds I feel the warm fabric on my skin. It hurts a little, but less than when the healer treated me. “Are you used to having people treating your wounds?”

“Not really. Before it would be my mother when I couldn't do it myself, and since I got here it is you and whoever treated me while I was unconscious. And the healer yesterday.”

“You seem quite comfortable with it.”

“Well, I trust you.” His hand stops for a second, then he resumes his work.

“I still wait for you to tell me your reasons for trusting me.”

“Is it that unusual for someone to trust you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I do. I trust you with my life, Solas.” His hand stops again, and takes longer to resume the work this time. “I will tell you why, the day I tell you about why I couldn't read.”

“Are they related?”

“Well, if I'm going to reveal a secret might as well reveal it all, right?”

“Why are the reasons for you to trust me a secret?”

“Because they are complicated.”

“Complicated. Varric did say  **you** were complicated.”

“Me... my life... my reasons. Everything about me is complicated.” I chuckle. “Even my feelings.”

“I can relate.” He starts applying the poultice.

“So... how are you dealing with everything that's been happening?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, there has been so many things happening... so many changes. Haven now is full of Tranquils and some Templars that seem to have some sort of sense in their heads. It will have a lot more mages soon and some people are uneasy about that. I know you wouldn't be but, how do you feel about it all?”

“The council decided for the mages then?”

“They did. I insisted and they saw my points on it. We should go to Redcliffe in the next few days if Leliana is right. She thinks the Magister should send some message soon.”

“That seems most likely. His son did say he was obsessed with you.”

“I bet it's just the mark he is after.” His hand stops again for a second and then continues.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because I'm ordinary, the mark is the special thing.”

“You should not dismiss yourself that easily. However, the power from the mark would indeed appeal to him.”

“This Elder One... he is someone who leads a man that can control time magic... he must be quite powerful too.”

“Possibly.”

“I believe he wouldn't let this rescue we plan on doing pass. I think he would... retaliate. Don't you?”

“It is possible. What do you have in mind?”

“I fear Haven wouldn't stand against an attack. I already talked to the Commander about preparations for a possible attack but... still...”

“I heard about some tunnels. Was that your idea?”

“Yes. I've heard Haven had those and suggested he should have people check on it. We should have an escape route at least.”

“That is good.”

“Yes... but...” I sigh, “I'm worried all the same. Too many lives could be lost.”

“You are a good person.”

“I keep hearing that,” I chuckle, “and I still can't bring myself to fully believe it.”

“Has Love not been able to help you with it?”

“Not yet. I have some more ideas about the cause, though.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don't want to bother you with it.”

“It is no bother.” He starts bandaging me.

“I... think it's the way my mother raised me.”

“What do you mean?”

“She taught me everything I do is not good enough, never good enough. And that I should always be like someone else. If she saw someone who was better than me she would tell me I should be like them. But if I improved it was still not enough. I don't know how to value what I do. How to value myself. Because if everything I do and everything I am is not good enough... how can I value it?”

“I believe your mother was trying to teach you to always seek improvement, but failed in presenting you the right motivations.”

“Yes... I know she meant it well, because I know she loved me... but... she still broke me.”

“You are not broken, you are misguided when it comes to yourself.”

“I suppose. I don't know how to find my way, though.”

“Is Love still helping you?”

“She is, she didn't show up yesterday but I believe we will continue soon.”

“I do wonder what it is you did yesterday.” He finishes my back and moves to bandage my arm.

“Well, you will see when you visit me.” I smile even though he can't see. “I suppose my new friends will be there too.”

“New friends?”

“Yes. You haven't met Inspiration yet, and I met someone else yesterday.”

“Oh. You have made so many friends in such short time.”

“I know, right? It surprises me too. Specially because I never had friends before.” He finishes bandaging my arm and I put back my shirt. “Thank you, Solas; for checking my wounds.”

“You are welcome.”

“I should go now.” I get the diary. “Good night, Solas.” I smile at him and he gives me a small one.

“Good night _ , Enasa _ .” I raise my eyebrows. I totally didn't expect that. He chuckles.

I end up chuckling too and say goodbye again. I ended up really spending all day, it’s already night and I make my way to the tavern so I can have dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:  
> Pure Imagination - Maroon 5
> 
> Thanks to Layla Christina for suggesting the song! :D


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More quality time with spirits and Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 16.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Is it good when I release this many chapters at once? Hope it is..

The tavern is noisy... too noisy. I don't understand the reason for so much noise. Why are people talking so much? I ask Flissa what is going on while I get my food and it seems that someone has beaten Varric in a match of Wicked Grace. That is surprising but is it really reason for such ruckus? I look around and wonder where Sera is, she wasn't here in the tavern whenever I came in. I hope she isn't causing any problems.

I go to my table and eat calmly thinking back to the events of the day. I'm finally learning elvhen! Woohoo! Enasa... not bad... I suppose Varric will stay there trying to win back his dignity and I laugh at the thought. Indeed he doesn't approach me, only waving my way when he sees me. I finish eating and make my way home. I should see to the equipments and stuff I have to get tomorrow.

 

I leave the diary on the table and prepare for bed after drinking some water. I wonder if Solas will come visit me tonight. I want to know his opinion on what we've done. Would he help building more things there too? I lay down and it doesn't take me long to open my eyes to the Fade.

My beach is just the way I left it, including the new addition to it. The little house is so beautiful. I feel proud of the accomplishment. The wisps seem to like the place too, they play on the roof and around the veranda. Some minutes pass and Inspiration arrives with Creativity. I greet them with a big smile and Creativity comes running to hug me. Such a high-spirited spirit.

“Hello.” I say laughing at his excitement.

“Hi!” Creativity says. “Can we continue today?”

“Of course!” I say with a smile. “Although a friend of mine should visit too.”

“The man you love?” Inspiration asks.

“Yes...” I say with a blush.

“I have heard about him. He should like what we're doing.” He continues.

“He would be happy to meet you, too.” I say.

“So would we.” Creativity says. I bet you would... he is an artist too... “Have you thought about what you want to do next?” He looks around.

“Hmm... I think we could work inside? I want to build a library of sorts but... I have never been to a good library before...”

“I can help you with that.” Inspiration says.

“Oh, that would be awesome!” I say with a smile. “Let's do this then!”

We go inside the house, which is a single large room, and Inspiration starts showing me some libraries he has seen. My idea is to have the place be a sort of studio, with bookshelves, a table to work on drawings and stuff like that. The memories he has seen adapt to the room somehow, it’s quite interesting. Before I can decide on a style the door opens and Solas joins us.

“You continue to surprise me.” He says and I chuckle.

“What do you think?” I say with a smile.

“This is quite the nice place. Comforting.” He looks at Inspiration and the last memory of a library he managed to show me. “Are you... decorating?”

“That's right.” I chuckle. “Inspiration is showing me the libraries he has come across, since I haven't been to any. And of course, I should introduce you. Come here, guys.” Inspiration approaches and Creativity is a bit aloof, I imagine he is still thinking about something to do in the place. I motion with my hand while introducing them. “This is Inspiration and this is Creativity. My friends, this is Solas, another friend.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you.” Solas says with a nod. “I have been specially curious about you, Inspiration. I noticed how much she reached for your help in the past days.”

“Yes, I helped her clear her mind.” He says with a soft smile.

“Why did you decide to help her?” Solas asks.

“Kindness introduced us, I noticed she could use my help and how much we both would benefit from it.”

“And I was  **so** happy when Inspiration finally decided to introduce me to her!” Creativity says, excited as always. “He was afraid for me, nonsense really. She is so full of ideas! We can do so much together!” I laugh at his excitement.

“And I see you have already done much.” Solas says with a smile. “I cannot wait to see what you will do next.”

“Say, Solas.” I say, sheepishly. “I bet you have seen many places... do you want to help me decorate?” He raises both eyebrows.

“It would be a pleasure.” He gives me a smile that I can feel inside me. I guess the gesture of having him do this means much to him?

Solas and Inspiration then get to work and show me options for library and studios, by the end of the night I decide on a full wall of bookshelves, with one bookshelf on each side and then a double one in the middle of the room, forming a U corridor on one half of the room. The bookshelves are empty, though. Something I'll have to find a way to remedy later. The other half has a large desk with papers, pencils and some sculpting tools with clay. The desk is positioned in a way that I can work while watching the sea through the large window.

“Wow... this place just got so amazing.” I say after it is done. “Thank you everyone.”

“I should not be surprised that you would like to keep working even while sleeping.” Solas says.

“But you still are, right?” I laugh. “Well... I told you... I can't stay idle.”

“We can still do more things here...” Creativity says. “I have some ideas for the outside if you want to work on it next.”

“Sure! Show it to me next time, I'm afraid we don't have enough time tonight.” I say.

“Of course!” He says excitedly. “I can't wait for it!”

“She will need to work a few days with Love, Creativity, you can't claim her time all for yourself.” Inspiration says.

“Oh but it would be so much fun!”

“I know my friend, but there are other areas in which she must work on.” Inspiration tells him with such a nice smile.

“Well, whenever you have time, then!” Creativity says to me with a smile. At least he didn't get sad about it.

“Of course, I would love to have you here whenever possible.” I say.

“Well... we should go now.” Inspiration says while holding Creativity's hand. “It was a pleasure meeting and working with you, Solas. Grace, remember to think only good things!”

“Will do.” I say with a smile. “See you next time, my friends.”

“Goodbye Grace, Solas! Hope to see you soon!” Creativity says and they leave after we say goodbye. I turn to Solas to see him with a peaceful expression.

“When I think you have already surprised me enough I come here to see you working on a house. When you told me you had something to show me I did not imagine I would find something like this. And with the help of two new spirits.” I can't really understand his expression. That couldn't possibly be admiration... could it? Nah... not possible... he wouldn't.

“Well, it surprised me too. I mean, when Inspiration said he would introduce Creativity to me I never expected we would be changing the landscape.” I laugh. “Now I have more things to do here. And with the sculpting tools I can finally finish the castle.”

“I look forward to seeing it complete.”

“There is just so much to be done when I wake up that I want to stay here... where it's peaceful and safe.”

“What do you plan for tomorrow?”

“Well, I have to check on equipment, then update the quartermaster's map, train my magic, study with you.”

“Do you want me to cancel your lessons tomorrow so you can rest?”

“No!” Urgh... “Sorry... I mean... that is by far the only thing I'm looking forward to.”

“I see.” The Chantry's bell rings on the background and I sigh. “Time to wake up?”

“Yes... these last days I was staying in bed for longer but... there is just too much for me to do today. I should get up early.”

“Then I will see you after lunch. Have a good day, Enasa.”

“Good day, Solas.” I give him a smile and he nods, then disappears.

 

I will myself to wake up and go get ready for the day. I collect my map from the bag and make it outside, it's colder than yesterday, but I don't feel the need to get a coat yet. Since the quartermaster is the closest one I go to him and update his map. I tell him that unfortunately I couldn't get anything from Orlais yet since we went there by ship.

Thinking that it's best to get everything done inside Haven before heading to the blacksmith I make my way to Adan next, where I get two more vials and a case to protect them, then to the tavern to fill the new vials with more vinegar.

I stop at the general store to get footwraps. I could choose between plain green wraps, plain black wraps, plain brown wraps and some more expensive ones that had embroidery on them. I get two plain black ones, one black with silver embroidery and one beige with purple embroidery. Too bad there wasn't any dark purple with silver embroidery. I also get one of those hats that women wear to sleep, it would help controlling my hair. I try to get the best looking one, but I think I would only find really good looking ones in Orlais... Do they have wool thread? I could crochet one...

I make my way to Lana, the blacksmith, and tell her that I will need another armor,  **again** . She tells me that she could get better materials from traders but she doesn't have much, so she wouldn’t be able to make the entire armor with them. I tell her to focus on the chest piece then, which will get me sturdy leather with metal rings. I just hope I can handle the weight. She assures me it wouldn't be too heavy, and I hope she's not trying to fool me. She takes my measurements again because it seems my body has been through more changes and also tells me she can make me a new staff, finally. The equipment should be ready in a couple of days.

I go back to my cabin so I can leave the map and the vials' case there along with the footwraps, I take only one pair of the plain black ones with me, which I put in my jacket pockets for later when I see Solas. I also take the papers from yesterday's lesson and my case with drawing supplies. Having spent the entire morning walking around Haven it's around eleven in the morning when I get to the tavern for lunch.

Varric isn't there, again. I wonder what he has been doing in the afternoons. Sera also isn't around and I have no idea where she could be found. I suppose I could ask, but I don't really want to. I wanted to ask her to keep me informed about the little people of Haven, but I guess it'll have to wait.

I get my food, eat in silence at my table while resting my foot that thankfully isn't killing me for walking so much, and after I'm done I make my way to Solas'. He isn't inside when I arrive, I guess I arrived too early. I decide to wait for him and I sit on a crate nearby. Some few minutes later I feel his presence approaching, and as always, after staying so long away from his presence, I can't help the warm feeling that fills me.

“Good afternoon, Enasa.” He says the moment he sees me. I notice he has a sack on one of his hands and I assume he was gathering herbs. I get down from the crate carefully so I don't injure my foot further.

“Good afternoon, Solas.” I say with a smile. I can't help smiling, his very presence is enough to make me feel good. Looking at him just makes it all the better.

“Have you been waiting long?” He asks while opening the door.

“Not long.” He enters and invites me in. I follow him inside. “I should have a new staff soon.”

“That is good. It shall improve your lessons.” He motions for me to sit and I do. “How are you feeling?” He places the herbs on the wooden plate.

“Better. I didn't even have to drink the tea this morning.”

“I assume that still doesn’t mean you do not feel any pain.” He sits on the other chair.

“No,” I run my hand through my hair and fix the strands behind my ears, “the pain is still there, it's just... bearable.” He sighs.

“Do you wish to continue the elvhen lessons?”

“I do!” I say with a smile. “But I want to ask you to teach me something else first, if you don't mind.” I take the wrappings from my pockets and show him. He raises both eyebrows and then chuckles.

“Of course.” He says as if it’s a comical thing, I wonder why it should be so funny.

Solas then tells me to get the chair closer to him so he can show me better how to wrap it. He undoes one of his footwraps, revealing really pretty ankles and shows me how to hold the wrappings and the right way to wrap it around the foot, then the leg and how to hide the end when done. I have many years of experience wrapping bandages around myself so it isn't really complicated. After he is sure I can wrap it around correctly he shows me the enchantment. It has to be placed on the wrappings while one wraps it around the leg, and when finished it somehow coats the exposed areas of the foot as well; an invisible barrier protecting the skin and reinforcing the footwraps. Fade energy really is versatile. I wiggle my toes, happy to have them freed.

“This is amazing. I feel the floor perfectly but at the same time it feels like I'm wearing some sort of socks or something.” He chuckles.

“Should I assume you will be using footwraps from now on?”

“Oh definitely!” I say with a big smile.

“It never occurred to me that a human would consider wearing footwraps instead of shoes.”

“Well, I'm a weird human.” I laugh. “And really... they don't know what they’re missing! This is awesome!” I wiggle my toes and tap my foot on the wooden floor. Nice!

“Will you wrap the other foot as well?”

“I guess I might... it will probably feel much better to have my ankle out of the boot.” I take the boot off my injured foot and wear the footwrap, enchanting it. The additional wrapping and the reinforcement from the enchantment makes it even more comfortable on the injury. “Wow... it feels even better now.” I place the boots close to the door and when I'm taking the chair back to its place Solas interrupts me.

“Bring the chair over here. I will show you how to write the new words.”

“Oh... right.” I get the chair beside him and we start on the lessons for the day.

 

We spend the rest of the afternoon in my elvhen lessons. He teaches me some greetings and necessities like food and water. Because my hearing was always good and it's really easy for me to grasp accents, the pronunciation, even when it’s tricky, ends up being easy for me. Remembering what the words mean is not so easy, though. I'll have to study a lot. Good thing I have many notes to go through.

“Did you go to the healers today?” He asks while I'm packing my papers and pencil.

“Oh, I completely forgot. Do you think it's bad if I wait until tomorrow to check on the wounds?” He sighs.

“Let me take a look at them.”

“Wha- but... you really don't have to.”

“The faster you heal, the faster you can improve your spells, the better you will fare on the field. There is much we need to do once we leave Haven, you need to be recovered.”

“I...” I sigh. “Of course. You're right. I just didn't want to bother you with it. I already ask too much of you.”

“I am not doing anything I do not wish to. Now let me see your back.”

“Alright.” Is he mad? I take off my shirt and turn my back to him. After he removes my bandages I feel some tingling as if he is casting something nearby and there is a smell I do not recognize. “What... what are you doing?” I try to look over my shoulders so I don't reveal my breasts.

“Cleaning the bandages.” He says calmly.

“Oh, is it that cleaning spell I don't have focus to use?”

“Yes.”

I wonder if I already improved my focus enough to learn it, but there is already so much I need to learn at the moment; guess I can wait to learn that one. Not much later I feel warm fabric cleaning the wounds and around them. It hurts much less than yesterday, I suppose it should close completely in the next days. The silence is so intense but my mind is completely blank.

“Should your hair be falling so much?” He says after a while and I wonder how many fallen strands there are on my back or shoulders.

“Well... I guess. It always did. My mother used to say it's another sign of my weak body. My nails also break easily so I have to keep them short.” When I'm not compulsively eating them out of anxiety that is... at least that seems to be controlled at the moment, with gloves and all...

“And you have... white hair?” I laugh at his hesitation. I wonder if he hesitated because he's surprised or because that's not something that should be mentioned. “Why do you laugh?”

“Sorry.” I try to get serious. “You seem confused at it. Yes, I have a lot of white hair.”

“Are you not... too young to have them?”

“I have white hair since I was thirteen, Solas. If I could do something about it I would make it all white already. I love white hair... but it just keeps teasing me... I hate it when the strands that fall are white ones... I have a lot for someone my age but still, for me they are not enough and it saddens me to see them go. Did you think it was another sign of illness?”

“Yes.”

“I don't think it is. My mother told me my grandfather had white hair in his young years too.” He is applying the poultice now.

“Was anyone else in your family as... fragile as you?”

“Not that I know of. My mother also couldn't think of anybody. Guess that's unique to me. Although the extra flexibility she told me I got partly from my grandfather too. She said the way my knee bends backwards is something that he had too. But she never mentioned him dislocating parts or anything like it happens to me, though. Guess I took it to another level.”

“Your knee bends backwards?”

“Have you never noticed it? I do it a lot when I'm standing. Here, look, the footwraps even help show it.” He steps beside me and looks at my knees, which bend backwards but not so much as those aliens in the ‘The Arrival’ movie.

“That is intriguing.” He analyzes it and for a couple of seconds there I forget my chest is completely bare. I was going to hold the excessive fabric of my pants to help him notice the bending but I realize my state and cover my breasts with my arms again. He seems to notice and after looking at the other knee he doesn't look up again, just walks back behind me. “You are the first person I see that can do that.”

“Heh... yeah, most people I met also said that.” Even though there are pictures on the internet of people that can do the same.

“Since you say you do it often I take it it does not hurt.”

“Nope. It even helps me stand up better. If I stand up straight like everyone else my legs get tired faster.”

“Most intriguing.” He moves to my arm then. Considering it’s a lot faster than before I assume the cuts are much better. I wonder if the poultices are being more efficient. “Are there any other parts that can bend in different manners?”

“Hmmm. My fingers bend slightly backwards too.” I show him and he does an “Oh”, “I can move more than the average person but as for bending I think that's the weirdest. Oh, right, my thumb too.” I show him how both thumbs bend backwards at ninety degrees. It always made for fun thumbs-up, people would be shocked and I would laugh.

“Interesting.”

“And my skin stretches a lot too.” I pull a bit of skin on my arm to show him.

“And does it not hurt when you do that?”

“No, I know how to do it without hurting myself. Pushing against the skin hurts though. I'm really sensitive to pressure. Oh but if I'm not careful the skin rips open.” He starts bandaging me back.

“Your injuries are healling at a really good rate. It seems to be faster than the last time you were hurt.”

“So it truly is? I thought it was but I was wondering if I wasn't imagining it. I wonder what changed.”

“It could be your body is stronger now, you have been able to eat more properly.”

“That's probably it.”

“Do you have an update on where we are supposed to leave?”

“Not yet. I have to check on the scholars tomorrow, I think I'll go check with Josephine if she has news.”

“Have the scholars been able to help you?” His tone is slightly different. I don't know how to describe it, though.

“Yes and no. They are just as clueless as everyone else about my weakness and impossibility to be healed. But they seem to know a way to improve my health.”

“I hope it works.”

“It shouldn't cause any major differences, but any help is welcome. I'm not used to this extreme way of living.” He finishes bandaging and I put back my shirt.

“We can continue your lessons after lunch tomorrow.”

“Alright.” I say with a smile. “Can't wait for it.” I get my stuff and walk to the door, picking up my boots. I'll have to go home before I can go to the tavern... there is just too many things in my hands...

_ “Good night, Enasa.” _ I’m surprised to hear him speaking to me in elvhen, but I guess that's the point of this, isn't it?

_ “Good night, Solas.” _ I say with a smile and he smiles back. Oh... a smile.

I make my way home thinking about how awesome this is becoming.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More dialogue!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 17.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> This chapter ends a bit.. tense.. it's good I decided to release a lot of chapters at once uh? Otherwise you would get a cliffhanger for some days maybe? xD

I make my way home and I don't even feel the cold under my feet. I feel the softness of the snow and I can notice the temperature difference between dirt and snow, but the ice doesn't hurt me or wets my toes. Such a great enchantment! Enchantment?  **Enchantment!** Haha... Sandal... I wonder what happened to him. I leave my stuff home and make the way back to the tavern after drinking some water.

The tavern is noisy but not as much as yesterday. I don't see Varric again. I decide to ask Flissa if she knows anything about him. She tells me he seems to be busy writing. Oh... I wonder which one of his books is taking his time... I thank her and get my food. 

While I eat, a train of thought hits me: how my mother used to forbid me from dating, how she would always say I wasn't allowed to be with anyone. And she started telling me that when I was still a child. Is that the reason I thought expressing my feelings was wrong? Because I wasn't allowed to be with anyone? I remember how afraid I was of her ever finding out I liked somebody. It took me years to decide to confess to guys I liked them -and only because I didn't want to regret not doing it- but I would hope they didn't like me back because I was afraid of starting a relationship, since my mother always told me it was wrong.

After eating I go straight home so I can practice some levitation before sleeping. But I go through my routine first so I can just fall asleep when I get tired.

I make small progress, but any progress is still progress and I try to appreciate it just as I would appreciate it if it was someone else who did it. I have to acknowledge myself, right? I want to be able to surprise Solas with it. When I'm tired I just let myself go to the Fade.

 

Being able to go to this beach every night is just awesome, specially now with this house here, where I can work on my creative side. It's funny, how I always thought sleeping was a waste of time, because I couldn't do anything while I was sleeping and I always had too many things I wanted to do. Now that I have the Fade I don't have this problem. I can do things even when I'm sleeping. It's just awesome.

It doesn't take long for Love to arrive, and she loves what she finds.

“I heard it from my friends, but to see it... you are making great progress, Grace.” She gives me such a warm smile. “Do you see the progress? Do you appreciate it?”

“I think I do.” I give her a shy smile and she comes close and holds my hand, then pulls me to the couch on the veranda. We sit down.

“What do you feel about yourself when you think that this was possible thanks to your efforts?”

“I didn't do it alone.”

“No, you did not. But you were an essential part in it. Can you see that?”

“Well... I was a part of it. Sure.”

“And how do you feel about yourself for being able to make it?”

“I feel good. I feel capable.”

“Do you appreciate yourself?”

“For this? Yes.”

“That's good.” She smiles. “You have made progress on this too.”

“I was thinking a while ago, about your second question. Why I don't feel comfortable in showing my feelings.”

“And you have an answer?”

“That is another thing that I believe my mother is at fault for.”

“What did she do?”

“I remembered how she used to tell me I was not allowed to date anyone. I remember her saying that when I was just a small kid, and she kept saying that until I was a teenager. And because I was  **always** afraid of breaking her rules, I think I started internalizing my feelings. Whenever I would like someone, I knew I wasn't allowed to, so I would hide it and feel it was wrong.”

“But you broke free from that, didn't you?”

“Somewhat... because I started regretting lost opportunities. And in time I learned to let my feelings be known somehow so I wouldn't regret being silent about them.”

“But you still would not be free with your emotions.”

“No. I was never truly myself around people. That only happened recently. I guess because my mother would always tell me I wasn't good enough, I thought that everyone else would feel the same, so I guess I thought I would be vulnerable to more rejections if I opened myself.”

“Even if you trust them?”

“I only  **really** started trusting people recently. I couldn't really believe they liked me before.”

“Do you want to try something? I believe it will help you greatly. It will free you.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Show yourself to your friends. Whatever you want to tell them, allow yourself to. Act the way you really want to. Express yourself.”

“What... what if they don't like it? What if they think it's weird? What... if they reject me?”

“They are your friends, they would not. But in the rare chance that it would happen, you come to me and I will help you deal with it.” She smiles. Such a comforting smile. I feel warm.

“I... I'll try.”

“Good. Now let's do some more training.”

 

We train my focus until the Chantry's bell rings the first time. I wait until it rings one hour later to wake up and go about my routine. I have to see the scholars, then talk to Josephine, or maybe should I talk to Josephine first? Nah... it's too early. What about the scholars? Do they get there early? Hmmm. Guess I'm going to wait some more. I decide to study some elvhen to pass time. When the bell rings indicating eight in the morning I make my way to Josephine's. She is surprised to see my new choice of footwear but says it looks good on me. She also tells me she still doesn't have any news, but that she will let me know whenever it happens. I go see the scholars then.

Taking the chance that I'm already at the healers' I ask the woman to check on my injuries, so I don't have to bother Solas with it. It will never compare to his level of care, but it works. After she is done I'm told it is healing well and I ask her where I can find the scholars.

With her directions I make my way up to the third floor. Up here there are some rooms and some odd smells come from some of them. I have no idea what they could possibly be doing in those rooms and I'm not sure I want to find out. Whatever it is seems to be some sort of alchemy.

I knock on the door to the room where the scholars supposedly are and after a few seconds the woman opens it. Jeanette I think was her name. She invites me in and I see they have each their own table and the bookshelves are full. There are a lot of papers on the tables and there are even some shelves with vials and an alchemy table to a side of the room. Fortunately they aren't working on it at the moment, I'm not sure my nose could handle it, even if the window is large and open.

They tell me they still have made no progress on the problems they couldn't identify but that they have what I need to treat the anaemia. They give me a large vial full of some powder with a tiny wooden cup tied to it. They tell me that is a mixture of many nutritional ingredients and that I should take the same dosage every day once a day. The tiny wooden cup is to be filled to the top. That should be like a spoonful I think. The vial should be enough for three weeks and they will give the instructions on how to make it to Adan. They also believe they would have to go back to Orlais to properly research my condition.

I thank them for their work and make my way home so I can leave the vial there and I take the chance to take the first dosage. Got to say it doesn't taste well and that I need water to wash it down. I just hope this works. I still have some time before lunch so I decide to study some more elvhen. After I'm done I get my drawing supplies and make the way to the tavern.

 

When I get to the tavern I don't see Varric again and my curiosity is just getting stronger at this point. What book is he working on? I get my food and when I'm half-way through my bowl Sera enters and sees me, she smiles and I feel weird. I nod to her in greeting and she comes my way.

“Hey there Herald!” She says sitting down. “How y'doing?”

“Ah you know... recovering, learning.”

“Recovering is good yeah? Feeling better yet?”

“Yes, they say it's healing well. Maybe it won't be so bad when we have to leave.”

“That's great! Whatcha learning?”

“Magic, elvhen.” I know she'll hate to hear it but it's the truth.

“Pff... I know you're a mage and all so y'got to learn that but why study elven? They're dead!”

“I see many elves, there is one in front of me right now talking to me.” I raise an eyebrow for effect even though I know what she means.

“People speak common, not that old language!”

“Well, I like it. I think it's beautiful and I want to learn it.”

“Bleh... well whatever, it's your time you waste it as you like. Why do you think so much about elves anyway? I think I never saw a human worry so much about'em and wanting to learn and live like'em.”

“Thought you were talking about that with Varric the other day.”

“Nah... he didn't tell me much. But I'm curious y'know?”

“Well... I know you don't like history but it is important to know how things got the way they are now.” She frowns and I shake my head. “I'll save you the details but the thing is that the way the world is now is because of many injustices the elves lived through, Sera. The world was built over their, your, history, and not satisfied, people just keep trying to make their lives worse. And many times they succeed”

“It's not only elves that have it bad, y'know?”

“I know, but they have it worse. And I don't think they deserve it. As for why I want to be like them, I think it's nice.”

“Know what I think?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you like the elf and wants to be elfy so he likes you back.” I like him alright but that's not why I do things...

“Who are you talking about?”

“Pff you know who! The crazy-for-the-Fade elf of course!”

“His name is Solas, you know.”

“See, you know who I was talking about!”

“He is the only one I know who likes the Fade so much, but you should refer to him by his name. It's not even hard.”

“Fine. Whatever. But you like him, yeah?”

“Why do you care who I like?”

“Cuz it's fun to talk about.”

“He is my friend, and he is not the reason I want to do things 'elfy'.”

“Friend, pff.” She snorts. “Right.”

“Yes, friend.” I finish eating and stand up. She looks at my legs when I walk around the table.

“Liked the boots better.”

“Well, I don't. If you want you can have them.”

“Don't know if they'll fit. You have big feet y'know.”

“Heh yea, I know. I'm also much taller than you.”

“Being short has its benefits.”

“Being tall too.” I smirk. “I'm going for my lessons, Sera. Try not to cause trouble.”

“Nah... no trouble. I'll just prank some people.” I shake my head and make my way to Solas'.

 

When I get to his cabin I feel his presence inside and I knock, he opens the door and greets me.  _ “Good afternoon, Enasa.” _ He says with a neutral expression. I wonder if he'll ever greet me with a smile.

_ “Good afternoon, Solas.” _ I give him a smile and he makes way for me to enter. I do so and when I'm about to sit he places a hand on my shoulder.

“Bring the chair over here.” I get the chair closer to his and sit down, getting my stuff from inside the case. He sits down then. “Did you go to the healers today?”

“Yes. I had to go there to see the scholars and took the chance to get a healer to check on my wounds.

“Were the scholars able to help you?”

“They gave me a nutritional powder of some kind. It tastes weird... but as long as it works I don't mind.”

“Hopefully it will. Let's start your lessons then.”

And once again we spend the entire afternoon going through elvhen words. I wonder how long it will take me to learn the language completely. Years? I hope not. I wonder when I'll be able to start making sense of that diary. It will surely be easier to learn after I'm able to read.

“Bring your staff tomorrow, if you are feeling better we should train your magic.” He says after the lesson is over and I start packing my stuff.

_ “Sure. _ Say, Solas, how long do you think it will take me to be fluent?”

“If we are able to go through lessons every day, which I highly doubt will be possible, some months. You learn quickly.” I sigh.

“Yeah... the way things are I doubt I'll be able to have lessons every day. It sucks.”

“Why the hurry?”

“Not really hurry... just... I really wish I could be fluent in it. I could read everything then, and talk to you in elvhen.” Don't be afraid of expressing yourself... “I may not be able to change what I am, but maybe I can change everything else? If I can help it, I'll have the world better for the elves, for you.” Wishful thinking... “Being fluent would help, and the language is beautiful.”

“Is that truly how you feel?” He seems... I don't really know. Touched?

“Solas, I would never lie to you.” I give him a smile. I might not tell you something, but I'll never lie to you.

“Is that so? In that case there is something I want to ask you.”

“Oh? I won't lie but I might still not answer, though.” I smirk and he shakes his head.

“Can you answer me this? I noticed you seem to make distinction between elves. Do you do it on purpose? Do you realize you do it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Elves, elven, elvhen.”

“Oh... that.” Shit... I haven't realized I was doing it... “Well... what can I say? Hmm. Add that to the list of things I'll tell you one day?”

“It leads me to believe you do it on purpose then.”

“I do. But to explain it to you would lead to more questions. Questions I can't answer right now. It would make everything too complicated.”

“I wonder how many secrets you have. And why you let me know you have them. You do not let the others know the extent of matters you hide.”

“Well...” I sigh. “I already put so many secrets in your hands, what's the harm in some more?”

“Some people would say plenty of harm.”

“Well... how many times have I told you? I trust you. I know many would think me stupid for trusting so... intensely, but... it's beyond me at this point.” I would follow you anywhere...

“When do you think will be the day you will answer these questions?”

“Certainly before we defeat Corypheus.” FUCK! I take my hand to my mouth immediately.

“Corypheus?” I peek at him carefully and see him looking at me carefully as well, tilted head. I run both hands over my face and take a deep breath.

“Loose tongue. Oh damn me.” I close my eyes and take another deep breath, trying to focus. Can I reveal it now? I could... but I don't think it'll be a good idea... I collect my stuff and stand up.  _ “I'm really sorry, Solas. _ .. I can't talk about this. I really hope you understand.  _ Good night.” _ I make my way outside before he is even able to reply and I start running home as soon as I'm outside. My foot doesn't hurt as much. I can handle the pain.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting advice from Love and preparing to leave Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 17.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech

As soon as I get inside my cabin I place the case on the table and let myself plop down on the floor, panting and wheezing from the exhaustion of running. It's been years since I last ran and it's not easy to run while anaemic. I guess if I wasn't so distressed I wouldn't have made it.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” What if it had been Cassandra? Or even worse... Leliana? I can't let myself speak freely like that. But I probably did because it was him. Yes... I'm  **too** comfortable with him... I sigh. Will he treat me differently now? Because now he knows for sure I know things I'm not supposed to know... Oh fuck... I feel my chest tighten and I want to cry. Oh Solas, please don't hate me. Please don't distance yourself from me.

I let the tears fall. I don't want to hold in this pain. But while they stream down my face I try to think about good things. I don't want to let my spirit friends down. It takes me a few minutes to calm down. I look in the mirror and see my face is a mess. I wash my face and brush my hair before making it outside to head for the tavern for dinner. And this time I really hope I don't see Varric there, or Sera.

 

I don't even look around to see if they are in there, I make it to Flissa, get my food and head to the table, where I eat with my head down and lost in thoughts. What if he starts distrusting me? What if he stops teaching me elvhen? What if he becomes cold towards me? I know he wouldn't harm me, not yet at least, because I have to close the Breach. I feel my chest tightening again. I'm so afraid of not being able to be around him anymore, we were finally becoming friends. I don't want to lose it.

 

When I'm walking home a messenger calls out to me, delivering me a piece of paper. I unfold it and walk towards a well-lit area so I can read it. “We got the invitation, meet with us in the morning. - Leliana.” Oh well... Redcliffe here we go... I burn the message in the fireplace when I get home and go through my nightly routine. I don't have it in me to train anything tonight, so I just head to bed afterwards.

The wisps seem to notice my distress when I arrive and they come closer to cheer me up. Got to say it's impossible to not become happier with them working so hard. I never thought wisps could be so friendly and so... kind? Happy? Cheerful? Love arrives some time later than usual tonight, and she comments on what happened.

“You were scared earlier.”

“Yeah... I thought I would lose my chance to be his friend.”

“You love him, yet you are afraid of telling him all you know because you think he wouldn't understand.”

“No. I know he would understand if I told him. I'm afraid he will treat me differently and I'm not prepared for that.”

“I see.” She holds my hand. “Grace, trust is a delicate thing, you know. Once broken, it is forever lost.”

“What are you saying? That I should tell him already?”

“No. You should tell him when you are ready. But know that revealing it to him would not break his trust on you. I believe it would even strengthen it.”

“Are you sure? Wouldn't he be afraid of the things I know?”

“He might, at first. But he will realize that you trust him for who he is, and in knowing so I believe he would feel safe with you, not afraid.”

“I don't know. I know I should believe you, you understand this matters better than I do, of course. But still...” I sigh.

“I am not pressuring you. As I said, you should only tell him when you are ready. I'm just letting you know that you don't have reasons to fear.”

“Thank you, Love.” I give her a smile so full of emotion. Her last words touched me deeply. I don't have reasons to fear. “Can I... er... hug you?”

“Of course, my friend.” She hugs me tight. “I'm happy to see you being more free with your emotions as well.”

“Just doing what you asked of me.” I smirk.

“That you are. And you're doing it well. Do you want to train some more tonight?”

“Sure. I still have much to improve.”

And then we go through my training until morning. When the bell rings the first time she leaves and I wake up to go through my routine. I'm glad to see my foot didn't mind my running yesterday and isn't worse than before. I was going outside when I notice snow falling down. It's so beautiful. I go back inside to get a coat and then make my way to the Chantry.

 

Instead of going to Josephine's office as usual I go straight to the War Room. When I make it inside there is nobody there yet. They should really start informing me about specific time... I sit on a chair and wait. I think I wait for over half an hour before they all arrive. They greet me and apologize for making me wait.

“Nah, it's fine. But maybe we should agree on a specific time from now on so I know exactly when to make it here.” I say with a smile.

“Of course, Herald.” Josephine says. “As you already know, we got the invitation from the Magister last night.”

“Yes. When are we leaving?” I say, going straight to what matters.

“We need a plan first.” Cullen says, and that starts them discussing about how to approach the place. Leliana mentions the passage they used with the Grey Warden and then it is decided.

“We should leave today.” I say. “We can see that Grey Warden you wanted us to talk to and then head for Redcliffe when your men are ready, Leliana.”

“That sounds reasonable.” She says. “Are you feeling better already?”

“Yes, my foot is recovered enough and the cuts are healing well. If we wait until they are fully healed we would have to wait over a week.”

“Alright.” She says. “I'll get my people organized and I'll let your group know when you are safe to enter Redcliffe to see to this... 'meeting.’”

“Yes, this trap.” Cullen says, annoyed.

“I have been thinking,” I say, “considering the trouble they went through to get these mages, time magic and all, seizing a whole town... I believe they would retaliate. I think it will be good to prepare Haven for such an event.”

“Sometimes I wonder why you are so paranoid with security.” Cullen says.

“There is no harm in being prepared, Commander.” I try to avoid Leliana, because I know she would be able to see through me and I would choke or something. “It's better to be prepared and nothing happen than to be taken by surprise and regret it.”

“Grace has a point.” Cassandra says.

“Yes, you are right.” Cullen says. “I just hope that does not happen.”

“So do I.” I say.

“The Grey Warden you are to meet is called Blackwall.” Leliana says. “If the Wardens are involved in this somehow, we need to know.”

“Alright. I should go prepare then.” I say. “Have you talked to the others yet?”

“I was going to send them messages now that we have decided.” Josephine says. “You are taking everyone with you, yes?”

“Now that you ask... as I told you before, I don't want to deal with Vivienne. So she's not coming wherever I go, if that's possible.”

“Harsh.” Cullen says and I shrug.

“I don't like the way she is. Now, about Sera... she could be useful on the way to Iron Bull later so she may come with. Varric and Solas you probably know I'll take them everywhere, as well as Cassandra.” I give her a smile.

“Very well, I will let them know they are leaving in a few hours.” Josephine says and writes something down.

I excuse myself from the room and go to the blacksmith to check if my armor is done. I was expecting to leave in a few more days but if she hasn't gotten it ready yet I'll just have to take another one for now. And not surprisingly she hasn't finished it yet. She gives me another leather chestpiece that is just a bit sturdier than my previous one. Hopefully I won't have anyone trying to slash or pierce me in the chest this time. And then I remember what the Herald goes through in the future, how things get so ugly in that castle. I sigh. I'll need my Barrier more than ever.

I tell her that if she gets the chance to make a full set before I'm back I would be very grateful, but that I'm not using boots anymore, only footwraps. She comments on how unusual it is but that she'll keep it in mind should more materials come in. I make my way home then, with the armor and the new staff, which is indeed more powerful.

 

I still have time before lunch so I pack my stuff, including the powder, which I was already forgetting to take my daily dosage of, so I do before putting it in the vial's case, which thankfully still had place for it. I pack the elvhen diary in hopes that I'll be able to still have lessons while we travel. My chest tightens at the thought that he wouldn't teach me anymore. I take a deep breath and continue packing.

After everything is ready I get into the armor and make my way to the tavern. I see Varric and Sera playing among many other people and I just wave at them when they see me. I get my food and head to my table. It doesn't take much time for them both to come to me.

“Hoy Herald, heard we're leaving in a few hours.” Sera says sitting down.

“That's right.”

“Hah, so you really went for it huh?” Varric says after sitting on the other chair and looking at my foot. “How does it feel?”

“Comfortable.” I smile. “It is  **awesome** .”

“Doesn't it feel cold, or hurt when you step on a stone or something like that?”

“Nope. For all effects like that it works as if I'm wearing shoes, really.” He raises an eyebrow, I guess he doesn't believe me. “It's because of the enchantment that Solas taught me.”

“Magic sure has its uses huh.” He murmurs and then drinks some of his stuff.

“Elfy magic.” Sera says with a frown.

“Say, Sera, what do you think of Haven? The Inquisition?”

“Thought it'd be bigger.” She laughs and I shake my head. “I'd be hilarious if you were a man you know.” I see Varric shaking his head too. Guess that's not his type of joke either. “Anyway, it seems fine enough.”

“Have you gotten in contact with the little people of Haven yet?”

“Of course.” She snorts. “First thing I did, yeah?”

“Are they being treated well?”

“Mostly yeah,” she lowers her voice a little and talks closer, “but some aren't. I already got some plans on the way to get back at those shitheads.”

“What is going on, exactly?” I ask, worried.

“Some soldiers don't understand limits y'know. But they'll learn.” She smiles wickedly.

“Hmm. Are we talking about abuse? Harassment?”

“Yeah. Some other stuff too.”

“How do they get away with it?” I say while taking a peek at Varric and see he is paying very close attention.

“People say the big people have better things to worry 'bout.” She says disgusted. I take a deep breath.

“Well, I hope you make them pay.” I say, looking very seriously at her. “That is the kind of thing that can't go unpunished and make sure they know exactly what they are being punished for.”

“Knew you'd be good for the little people!” She says with a big smile. “You're elfy but you're still good, yeah!”

“Crystal worries about everyone, Buttercup.”

“That I do.”

“Say, Crystal. Saw you very distressed last night, but I thought better than bug you about it then. I noticed you wanted some space. Want to talk about it now?”

“Oh... so you  **were** here yesterday?” I sigh. “Well... it's nothing really. Just... said something I shouldn't and got worried about it.”

“Did you and Chuckles fight or something?” I frown.

“Why do you think it would be to him that I said something I shouldn't?”

“Because you spend the afternoons with him lately.”

“Learning elfy things.” Sera says, disgusted.

“Alright, I said something I shouldn't to him, but hopefully it won't mean anything.”

“I take that as you not wanting to talk about it.” Varric says.

“Sorry.”

“It's fine. Just know you can count on me if you decide to.”

“Thank you, Varric.”

“And me too, y'know? I'm a good listener!” I chuckle.

“Thank you, Sera.” But I don't think I'm telling you about this... you would panic. ”So, Varric, which book you're working on now? Flissa told me you were gone because you're busy writing.”

“Oh yeah... you know how that goes. After so long observing and taking notes it was time I started the actual thing.”

“And which one is it?”

“You're curious about the love story aren't you?” He laughs.

“More like worried.” I smirk.

“Alright, I'm not started on that one yet. You don't make it easy on me and I don't have enough material to work on. I'm writing the one on the Inquisition.”

“Oh? And what's the title?”

“I can't really find a good name for it. There's no good way to name this whole situation, you know?”

“Yeah... definitely not easy.”

“This shit is weird, innit?” Sera says and I laugh, remembering how close that is to the name the book will receive. She looks at me almost offended and I laugh more. “Whooot? It is!”

“It is!” I say trying to stop laughing. “I'm not laughing at you. The situation is completely absurd.”

“Well, at least you're laughing.” Varric says.

“Are you guys ready to go?” I ask after a couple of minutes.

“Yeah, all set.” Sera says. “And don't worry, the plan will happen even while I'm with ya.”

“Good.” I say, finishing eating.

“I'm all packed too.” Varric says. “Who else are going?”

“Cassandra and Solas.”

“Why am I not surprised the Iron Lady isn't coming along?”

“Well, why would you?” I smile. “I'm not taking her with me anywhere if I can help it.”

“I don't like her either, y'know?” Sera says.

“Thought you wouldn't. Well... I'm gonna get my stuff and head to the stables. Meet you guys there soon.”

 

And then I head home, collect my stuff, and go to the stables, where Solas is already waiting, sitting on a rock. His horse is ready. I feel a shiver run down my spine, my stomach goes cold. I'm worried and anxious about what he could say, or how he is going to treat me, but I take a deep breath, focusing on Love's teaching, and walk forward.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recruiting Blackwall and leaving for Redcliffe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 17.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> How many did I post today? 10? I don't even remember. Well.. I'd better stop.. I still have to post tomorrow, then Sunday and Monday, right? xD

I greet Solas and prepare the horse. I try hard not to worry about what he could be possibly thinking but I can't help it. At some point the anxiety starts to win over me and I have to put my head in front of my knees. Not a panic attack... not a panic attack...

“Are you ill?” He asks, approaching, which makes me more nervous.

“I...” I'm still hyperventilating, it's hard to speak. I think I'm going to vomit, or pass out. “I'm fine.”

“That is not how I see it. What are you feeling?”

“I'm... I'm just... nervous.” I manage to say, and then I feel his hands on my shoulders. I freeze in surprise.

“Come, sit over here.” I let him take me by the stones. I sit down and lower my head. “Are you nervous about Redcliffe?”

“Heh... honestly that hasn't even gone through my mind in the last minutes.” I laugh nervously and then go back at trying to calm down. He stays quiet for a couple of minutes.

“I meant to visit you in the Fade last night,” he says calmly, “to talk about what happened. But I thought it best to wait until today.”

“You're not going to teach me anymore, is it? You want to stay away from me, don't you? I know you never really trusted me but I completely lost the chance now, didn't I?” I sigh. My eyes are still closed but I struggle to hold back the tears. I try to focus on my breathing. I need to calm down.

“Enasa...” I look at him at the elvhen name, forgetting completely about my face wet with tears and I don't really know what I feel when I see his reaction to my face. He seems shocked. “Are you... crying?”

_ “Sorry...”  _ I run my hands on my face, trying to take away the tears.

“I do not think any less of you after last night. I am, however, more curious.” I feel the weight leave me and I feel so damn... light. “Do not cry over this.”

I can't bring myself to say anything. I don't know what I could say. I wish I could hug him tight. After some minutes of quiet I start laughing.

“Oh shit,” I say, laughing, “they are going to give me hell, worrying about what happened to me. My face is probably awful.”

“I can help you with it.” I look at him then, such gentle expression. Why do you look at me like that, Solas?

_ “Please.” _ His expressions falters for a second, I don't really know if that was surprise or something else, but he recovers his gentle expression and nods. Then he looks at me with pure focus.

“Close your eyes.”

I close my eyes and then I feel his energy tingling on my forehead. Like multiple caresses, so warm and nice. It moves towards my hair and I feel as if multiple gentle fingers were caressing my scalp and then to my ears and back at my cheeks. Then around my eyes and down to my lips and chin. I can't help licking my lips when I feel it passing by them. And then it's over. I'm glad he didn't go down to my neck, I'm not sure I could hold back a reaction. I can't even imagine what that would feel like over my body.

“All done.” He says and I open my eyes to see his smile. I can't help not smiling back. Is he smiling more often?

_ “Thank you.” _

“You left me worried last night; running off the way you did. Do not do it again. If you do not want to talk about something I will understand.”

“I..  _ I'm sorry _ . That's not why I ran. I did it because I was afraid I would slip something else... or tell you everything. I'm not ready for the changes that will bring.”

“Regardless. What if you had fallen and injured yourself again?”

“I know... I'm sorry. I wasn't really thinking.” He sighs.

“Clearly.”

“Hey look at the cutest couple in Haven!” I hear Varric shouting.  **Shouting** . I drop my head ashamed.

“Don't tease her like that, Varric.” Cassandra says, annoyed.

“I hoped you would have gotten better armor this time.” Cassandra says when she gets closer to me.

“I tried, but Lana couldn't finish it in time. It'll be done when we get back at least.” She sighs.

They prepare their horses while I wait sitting on the rock, beside Solas. He always seems completely unaffected by Varric's comments. I wonder what he thinks but I really don't know if I want to know. The advisors arrive a few minutes later and after they wish us safe travels we leave.

 

We move faster so we can get to a nice place to make camp before night, and when we finally stop I'm reminded that I haven't checked the injuries with the healers this morning. Solas does it for me, then, but in silence. I suppose he doesn't appreciate talking while having the others nearby. Well, either that or he doesn't have anything to say. I'm still unsure of how to behave after yesterday so I just stay quiet through the whole thing.

“So, what are the plans this time?” Varric says after we sit down to eat.

“We'll go find this Warden Blackwall, then go to Redcliffe to rescue the mages and then go after a mercenary company called The Iron Bull's Chargers.” I say.

“Can I not go to the mages again?” Sera asks.

“Of course you're not going.” I chuckle. “I couldn't handle you complaining.”

“I don't complain that much!”

“When it comes to mages and elves you do, Buttercup.”

“Whatever.” She says and just continues eating.

“Where are these people?” Varric asks and I go get my map in my bag.

“Blackwall should be around here.” I show him the area around the lake camp. “And The Iron Bull's Chargers are in the Storm Coast.”

“Damn... that place rains almost everyday, Crystal.”

“Really?” I was hoping that was something that happened because the game would be stuck in a single moment. “Well... guess with that name it shouldn't be a surprise.”

“How are you going to survive the rain?” He asks.

“Solas... can you really protect me from rain with that spell?” I ask and he nods. “Well, I'll count on Solas then.”

“Hoy, Herald, why don't you go to Redcliffe first and then get that Warden? Redcliffe is on the way.”

“Because I think the Venatori will retaliate after we rescue the mages, and the less time we spend doing things afterwards the better.”

“You are really worried about that, aren't you?” Cassandra says.

“Yes. This is what I think: The Magister is powerful enough to control time magic, which he used to seize an entire town just to get control of the mages. And we are going there to get the mages from them. I don't think they will just let this pass. And whoever these Venatori are, they worship this person they call The Elder One. I don't even want to think about how powerful he is.”

“Andraste's tits, Crystal. I haven't realized this was such a dangerous mission.”

“You want out, Varric?” I ask him.

“No! Of course not. I mean, I wouldn't want to be involved in this but someone has to get this shit done. I'm not letting you go in there without backup.”

“Thank you, Varric. You and Bianca will be of great help.” Even if we don't get to fight.

“Shouldn't we go see this Iron Bull and then go meet with the Magister, then?” Cassandra asks.

“I thought about it, but... what if he takes away the mages before we are back? We can't risk that.”

“But if he is obsessed with you he would wait, wouldn't he?” Varric says.

“I would not be so sure, Varric.” Solas says. “He is not working alone after all. His master may order him to take the mages away.”

“You're right, Chuckles.” He sighs. “Well, guess we'll need luck. A lot of it.”

“Yes.” I say.

Varric tries to lighten the mood with a story and after I finish eating I go clean myself and head to the bedroll. It's been quite a while since I last saw her, so it's not surprising that I feel very happy when I see Kindness came to visit me.

“My friend, where have you been?” I ask her. “I missed you!” She chuckles.

“I was helping others. You seemed to have it handled here.” She smiles. “And I was right! Look at this! It's amazing.” I laugh.

“It gets better inside.” I smile. “Combined effort of Inspiration, Creativity, Solas and me. Come, I'll show you around.”

“I'm really happy for you, Grace.” She has such a gentle expression, so warm. “You've made great progress.”

“Love has been working me pretty hard.” I chuckle.

“Wow, it's really beautiful.” She says looking around the studio.

“If you want to contribute with books, feel free.” I chuckle and she laughs.

“Oh I would love to. Next time I find some I'll make sure to memorize it for you.”

“That'd be awesome!”

I feel the presence of Love then, and I poke my head outside the window to see her. I wave at her and call her inside. She's also happy to see Kindness. They talk about my progress and then Kindness leaves so Love can go through more training with me. And she scolds me for becoming desperate before.

“I thought I had told you you didn't have reasons to fear.” She says.

“I know... but it was bigger than me...”

“We need to work on it.”

And work on it we do. Until Cassandra wakes me up. We spend most of the morning riding silently, sometimes Sera would try to break the silence but I think people are too worried about Redcliffe. We stop for lunch and while Sera goes off to hunt with Varric, Cassandra prepares some soup. Solas comes close to me, sitting down under a tree.

“Have you been feeling any pain?” He asks.

“Nothing worse than usual.” He frowns. “Don't worry.”

“How are you adjusting to the footwraps?”

“They are amazing.” I wiggle my toes. “Wish I had started using them since the first day, really.” He chuckles.

“Do you want to study some more elvhen?”

“Always!” I give him a bright smile and stand up quickly to get my case from inside my bag and run back to sit beside him.

“There is no need to run.”

“It's not like we have much time.” He sighs.

“If you start acting recklessly I will not teach you.”

“Urgh... fine. I won't run anymore. I miss running, though. Before that night it had been years since I last ran. It wasn't as safe for me to run anymore, well, it's not like it was ever safe to be honest. I would always fall down and  hurt myself. Because I run weird... I tend to jump while running.” I say while getting the papers and pencil.

“You seem to do everything differently.”

“Well... I guess?”

“Before we start, any doubts?” He asks and I shake my head.

He teaches me for almost an hour, because then Sera comes back with Varric and starts being noisy.

“Sera, please be quiet.” I say. “I'm trying to study here. This is important.”

“Don't know why it would be, it's a dead language.” She snorts.

“You might not care, but I do. So respect it. At least speak lower.”

“Urgh fine. I'll let you do elfy things in peace.”

“Thank you.”

And then we continue for about one more hour while the food gets ready. When it's time to eat I pack everything again. Varric gives me the fruits he found and I put them inside that sack I had been saving with me since the first time we left for the Hinterlands. I knew that thing would be useful. I'll eat them on the horse later.

“How's your lessons, Crystal?”

“It's going well, I think. It'll take time for me to be fluent, though.”

“And what will you do once you are? It's not like there are many elves for you to talk to.” He says.

“Well, I can talk to Solas for as long as he is with the Inquisition. And I plan on reading.”

“You know there aren't many books left, right?” He continues.

“Well, I'll read the ones I find. And there is always the Fade.”

“Oh, right, Fade. I forgot you can do things in there.”

“Yup! Great place. Oh yeah, now I have a house there, Varric!”

“You had a beach, now you have a house? And they say the Maker is the only one allowed to have a house there!” He laughs.

“The Maker  **has** his house in the Fade, Varric. And you should not mock Him.” Cassandra says, serious. “Whatever Grace has there is not the same thing.”

“Yeah I doubt it would be the same.” I say. “I don't think I could find my beach should I go to the Fade physically. Could I, Solas?”

“At a guess I would say it is not possible, however, I have not gone there physically as you have.”

“Hmm... guess we'll never know.” Don't think I could hop out of Nightmare's domain and go to my beach... could I? “And I don't have a house  _ and _ a beach, Varric. It's a house  _ on _ a beach.”

“Well, that makes things less weird, I think.”

“Nah, it's still  **very** weird.” Sera says, annoyed.

After we eat we continue on our way, heading south so we can get to a scout's camp. We push through the night but we make it there. We have dinner to another story about Hawke and I go off to clean myself. Solas checks on my injuries inside the tent, because of the scouts outside, and I go to sleep afterwards.

 

We have breakfast, which is more oatmeal, Yay! and head towards the scout's camp closest to Blackwall. They tell us that the Warden is usually training people by the lake, so we go there, and we indeed find him with a dozen young men.

We approach carefully and greet him. After going through the questions and getting nothing out of him I propose that he helps train our men, as Cullen suggested. He doesn't have the time to answer because some bandits attack us. There is no such thing as he defending me from an arrow, though. After the bandits are dealt with he tells the men to go back to their houses and agrees to join us. I tell him about the scout's camp nearby, where he can rest before going to Haven, where he'll report to Cullen.

 

We get on the horses and make it back to the scout's camp closest to Redcliffe. It's past noon when we get there, and there is no news from Leliana.

“Why didn't you ask the Warden to come with us?” Cassandra asks. Hmm... What should I say?

“Varric once said something about me,  that 'any party over four is too much' or something like that. I don't know the man, I'd rather keep the group small for now. If you want him with us you could send a message to the other camp and let him know. I'd bear it for you.”

“No, it is fine.” She says. “I was merely curious. Most people would think the experience of a Grey Warden invaluable.”

“The fact that he is a Grey Warden means little to me, really.” Specially because he's not.

“But isn't it better to have more people to fight with us, Crystal?”

“Well, to this particular mission I can only take two of you with me. The others will go with Leliana's group. I don't trust him enough to get him in there.”

“I see.” The dwarf says. “Who are going with you?”

“Hmm.” I look at them. I haven't really thought about this. How different will this be from the game? “Cassandra, Solas, are you fine with coming with me?”

“Of course, Grace.” Cassandra says.

_ “As you wish _ . _ ” _ Solas says and that gets him confused looks from people.

“Then Varric and Sera, you guys are going in with Leliana's team.” I say and that takes their attention from Solas. Momentarily.

“What did you say, Chuckles?”

“It means 'as you wish', Varric.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“So... Cassandra...” I say after a while. “Are we just supposed to stay here waiting?”

“Yes.” She answers.

“Oh well... mind posing for me then? We didn't get the chance to do it in Haven.”

“Oh, I thought you had forgotten about it.”

“No way, I just couldn't find the right moment to ask you.”

“Very well, then.” She smiles, a little embarrassed it seems.

I get my case and sit opposite side from her, starting to sketch a portrait. Sera comments that she wants one too and I tell her that I'll do it when I have time. It's almost nightfall when a scout comes to us with a message from Leliana. I put away the stuff and Cassandra tells us it's time, and also, that Dorian will be with Leliana's team. We pack everything and move out towards Redcliffe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming next: Redcliffe's time travel! Lot's of feelings.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Redcliffe's Dark Future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 17.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Thank you all for kudos and comments! <3

“Who is this Dorian?” Sera asks while we are on the way.

“A Tevinter mage.” Cassandra answers before I can. “He is helping us against the Magister.”

“We're working with a Tevinter mage? Don't think it's a good idea.” The elf continues.

“He was very straightforward with us when we met him.” I say. “I think we can trust him.”

“I don't like mages. You said I could stay out of this one.”

“Alright then, go back to camp.” I say. I ended up forgetting to leave her behind...

“There are bad mages to be stopped there, you know?” Varric says.

“Fine, I'll go. Just so I can put arrows in some evil mages’s faces.”

 

We make the rest of the way in silence. We split when we enter the town, and Solas and Cassandra go into the castle with me. The man that greets us complains that they were not supposed to be with me, but in the end lets us through. And just as I expected it, after everything is revealed, Dorian appears and the Magister loses it, bringing forth the amulet and sending us through time.

“Urgh... so many places to end up in and it had to be wet?  **Really** ? My clothes are ruined!” Dorian complains.

“Yeah... I know the feeling... I would be crying if this enchantment on my footwraps wasn't so awesome. I  **hate** getting my feet wet... I  **really** cry.”

“Where  **are** we?” He asks, walking and looking around. “Is this the dungeons of the castle? Displacement spell maybe?”

“Let's get out of here, there is nothing that can answer us. Unless you can get information out of red lyrium. God... what is it with this people and red lyrium? Can't they feel how wrong that is?”

“They are evil, I suppose they don't care if something is wrong, Herald.”

“Yeah... you're right. Shit... I stepped on something disgusting... Ew...”

We get to the corridor and as we enter a room we find people inside: two Venatori soldiers. Shit. I push them on the ground with Fade Strike and Dorian sends out two fireballs on them. Dead. Thankfully he doesn't destroy the room.

“Nice one.” I say, trying to ignore the foul smell. Well, it doesn't really change the overall hideous smell of the dungeons. This thing would never smell good after what they’ve done to the place, I think. The room is some sort of storage, maybe where they keep stuff from prisoners? I don't really know. There are papers and some equipment. I give the potions to Dorian because they are useless to me and go through some of the papers while he looks at some others.

“Hmm. It's not a matter of where, but of when. We are in the future!” He says, sounding amazed. And then proceeds to explain his theory.

“We have to go back.” I say, plainly, while trying to find anything useful on the papers. Nothing.

“Yes, of course. But imagine the implications of this, the things we could learn. This is remarkable!”

“Yeah... it's a great achievement, Dorian, but we have to get back. Can you focus on that?”

“Of course I can. I believe if we find the amulet Alexius used to get us here we should be able to get back.”

“Right, then let's find that.” I toss the papers. “Why keep papers that are completely useless?”

“Don't ask me. I only keep useful items. I'm not one to waste space.”

“At least we got you some potions.”

“Me? You could very much come to need them too, you know?” He says as we follow the corridor.

“I hope not, because they are useless on me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did nobody tell you? Geez... I can't be healed. Neither by magic or potions. They don't work on me.”

“Oh... my dear that is terrible! What should we do if you get hurt?”

“Considering it's not a fatal wound, toss vinegar on it then poultice and wait until it heals.”

“Vinegar? Maker! That is so crude!”

“Well, it works. Hurts as hell but works.” I stop in front of another door. I summon my Barrier and after we agreed silently I open it. But there is nobody inside. The place seems to be a torture room if the instruments around are anything to go by. There is a lot of dry blood, everywhere. “Fuck... nobody should go through something like this.”

“There doesn't seem to be anything useful here either. Let's go.” He sounds a little pained.

“Yes.”

 

The many cells in this corridor were barred and didn't have anyone in them. We make it up the stairs and after a few steps we are found by another group of soldiers, three men this time. And just as before they are dealt with easily. We find keys on one of them and none of the three first doors we checked had anything useful in them. Only on one of them we had to fight, with no trouble again.

As we continue through the place we hear a voice, someone seems to be praying. We enter the door and find three people locked behind cells, one of them praying for the others. They don't seem to be able to hear us even though we call them. All three are surrounded by a sick red energy.

We make it out of the room and continue walking, until the corridor splits before the stairs. We head left, because I always head left, and after some minutes of useless places we find an office. Inside there is a mage writing something, we kill him quickly and we go through the papers in the place. When we get to what the mage was writing we see it’s a report, but he never got to say what he was reporting. Well... hope it wasn't useful. I also find a shard, it has a weird rune on it and emanates some sort of energy. I wonder if it's the shard that goes into the door. I show it to Dorian but he doesn't know what it is. I decide to keep it.

“Finally something useful!” I say when I find documents showing they were getting their supplies from the Storm Coast, Emprise du Lion and Western Approach. “This is  **a lot** of red lyrium. Why would they need so much?”

“Beats me. Hey, look at this, they were running experiments on wildlife.” He shows me a paper with reports of results.

“These people are... god... I don't even know what they are. Monsters is a compliment.” I roll the papers and put them in my coat.

After not finding anything else of use we continue to explore the corridor, and are back to the stairs. Pff... didn't matter where we went after all. We make it upstairs and soon we have to kill more soldiers, and the sound of battle brings more. My Barrier holds the damage but we take longer to kill all of them.

“Whatever there is on this floor is more important than on the lower ones.” Dorian says.

“Yeah... more protection.”

We get in the first room and my chest tightens immediately. It's a room with four cells, one of them holding Cassandra inside.

“Oh god... Cassandra.” I say as I rush ahead to free her, trying to get the right key.

“Are you real?” She says with distorted voice. I nod. “Oh Grace, we thought you had died.”

“We were sent to the future, to here. We are going back so this never happens.” I say as I manage to open the gate.

“Is that even possible? How? How are you even going back?”

“Alexius used an amulet to cast the spell,” Dorian explains, “I believe if we find it I can reverse it and send us back. Any idea where it might be?”

“No. I've been down here for too long.” She sighs.

“The others are here too?”

“They were. They captured us all. They did... things... to us.”

“I'm so sorry, Cassandra.” I hold her hands. “If...  **when** we make it back this reality will never happen, I won't let the other you go through this suffering.”

 

While we check on the other rooms, finding them empty, she tells us about what happens in Orlais and about the demon army. How red lyrium infested everything. We then get to another room, where we find Varric and Sera.

“Crystal? Is that really you?” I thought I couldn't feel worse than when I saw Cassandra, but it  **does** feel worse.

“Yes, it's me, my friend. I didn't die, I was sent to the future, to here. Cassandra told us what you've been through, I'm so sorry.”

I then go to free Sera. God, her state is as awful as everyone else's.

“You're really here? You died! How you're here? Nothing makes sense!” Sera says and it's painful to see the way she's so scared and confused.

“Calm down.” Dorian says. “Nobody died, Alexius used a spell, which we are reversing so we can go back.”

“I still don't understand. Friggin mages and their magic!” Then she focuses, saying as angry as she should feel. “Tell me you're going back and you're going to kill that son of an arse-nut mage!”

“We're going back, Sera.” I say. “We're not letting this happen. Do any of you know where Alexius is? We need his amulet.”

“Last I heard the guards sayin' he was locked into the throne room.” Sera says.

“Well, let's get there then. Do you know who else is here?” I ask and they shake their heads. “We'll find them if they're here.”

We go through another room, empty, and the next has Blackwall inside. I didn't think I would find him here.

“Andraste have mercy! You shouldn't be here, the dead should rest in peace.” He says, so pained.

“I'm not dead, we were sent to the future, to here. We are going back so this never happens. We need to find Alexius and get his amulet.” I say while I open his gate.

“I've gone mad after so much torture, that's the only explanation I can think of.” He says, to himself apparently.

“You're not crazy.” Sera says. “She's here, yeah? And we're helping her get back so this shit is fixed.”

“Yes, this world is wrong and should never happen.” Cassandra says.

“Well, if you all are here... then... I guess this is happening.” Blackwall says. “I hope you can prevent this, if it's really possible... so many things went wrong.”

“We know. And we'll prevent it. Do you know if there is anyone else here?”

“I heard them talking about Solas.” He says. “And the Spymaster too.”

“Let's get them.” I start walking back to the corridor. I have to get Solas out. God... I fear how my heart will take this...

The next room gets me my answer. Before I even open the door I feel him inside, and my legs falter when I feel his energy so sick. Cassandra is fast to support me up.

“Are you ill?” She asks, worried.

“No.” My chest tightens and I can feel the tears. “It's... it's just the shock... Solas... I...” I sigh. Dorian opens the door and we walk inside.

“You...” His voice, Solas's voice, so twisted. “You are alive! How is this possible? You were gone. I felt you gone!”

“We...” The tears stream down my face when I look at him. I try to get the keys but they fall at my feet. Cassandra takes them and opens his gate. “We...”

“We were sent to the future by Alexius' spell.” Dorian says. “We are going back so this never happens.”

“Oh... Solas.” I say, voice cutting out, my throat so tight choking me. “I...” He holds my hand and my eyes go wide.

“Focus. Let us get you back and prevent this from ever happening.”

“I...” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The smell of the place is awful but I need the focus it gives me. His hand feels so cold, so sick. But it's still him and it comforts me. “Let's go.” I say and he releases my hand.

“Considering the others are freed I assume you two know what has happened.” He says, and his voice twisted like that hurts me deeply.

“Yes.” Dorian answers.

The next door reveals Vivienne.

“What is this? A trick to gain my trust?” The woman says. “This would never work.”

“It's no trick.” Cassandra says opening her gate. “The Magister sent them through time, we are helping them go back so this reality never happens.”

“I doubt it would work, but anything is better than staying in this cell.”

“She's so full of faith, it's inspiring, really!” Dorian says and manages to get a chuckle from me.

We continue and I try not to feel Solas' sick energy, but it's  **really** hard. I always feel so complete when I'm near him that it seems my senses search for him, so I have to fight against my own senses to stop it. And I don't know how to win.

When we turn the corridor we see two guards and they die before I can even blink. Arrows and magic flew their way. When we open the door we find Leliana choking a man. I assume the man tried to check on whatever was happening at the door and she got him, similar to what happens in the game. And god... she looks awful.

Cassandra tells her what happened and we continue on our way. Dorian doesn't poke her for information, I guess he already got enough from the others. We cross a big room where we find some soldiers and some mages and with a group as big as ours it doesn't take us long to kill them all. Nobody is hurt and we move on. I find a shard on one of the mages and show it to Solas, trying to ignore his state. He also doesn't know what it could be.

 

We get to the courtyard and the view is simply awful. I really doubt the world with the Fade free should look like this, specially when Solas is so distressed by it. I compare this with the memory he showed to me and there is no way this is right. We kill the demons we find on the way, there is no rift, but when we make it back inside we find one; a rift that changes time no less. It's hard, but we make it without anyone getting hurt. I see the door that leads to the throne room, that weird door. I get closer and I can feel a wicked energy coming from it. I approach the shard and it seems to react to the door. I have two shards, need three more.

“These shards react to the door.” I say. “There are five sockets, we have to find three more stones.”

“We should split.” Cassandra says. “There are two other doors going out of this room.”

“That sounds good.” I say. “I'll go with-”

“No. You should stay here.” Cassandra says. “We cannot risk you.”

“But...”

“She's right, Crystal. It should be safer here than ahead. We go search for those stones and you rest here.” I sigh.

“Fine.”

“Solas, you stay with her.” Cassandra says. I raise both eyebrows. Why would she do this?

“Of course, Cassandra.” Solas says.

“Dorian and Varric, you come with me through the door on the right.” Cassandra says. “The others go through the one on the left.” They agree and move out. When Cassandra passes by me she whispers “Talk to him.”

I find a bench and sit down. He sits beside me, not too close, not too far. We stay in silence for a couple of minutes.

“I'm really sorry you had to go through this.” I say, looking at the floor.

“It is not your fault.”

“I know... but I feel bad to see you like this.”

“Then it is good that this will never come to pass after you go back.”

“But you suffered, this world happened.”

“It does not matter.” He holds my hand and I look at him. “The world that matters is the one you can save.”

“It's not like I'll be able to forget this.” I lower my gaze then, looking at the floor.

“It will be like a bad dream. You will get back, wake up from this nightmare, and make it right.” I sigh.

“I hope it will be that easy.”

“Enasa.” He calls and I look at him. He looks so... calm. “You said I could ask you anything and you would do it.”

“That's right.”

“Can you tell me those things you never got to tell me?”

“Oh... well... I guess I can... but I doubt you will have enough time to ask me as many questions as I think you would.”

“It will still be better than not knowing anything.” He smiles. The first smile in this fucked up reality. How can I say no to a smiling Solas?

“How can I say no when you smile like that?” I smile and he chuckles. “Well... be ready, it will shock you.”


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going back to present and Grace sends Solas away on a side mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 17.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> It's nice when you don't have to wait to know more isn't it? ;D

“You know about my punishment,” I say while looking at our joined hands. I wonder why he's being so... touchy here, “but I haven't told you everything about it. You see, the reason why magic doesn't work on me is part of the punishment. It's not a lie when I say I could never be healed by magic before, but the reason is different. I'm not from Thedas, Solas. I'm from another world.”

“How... how is that possible?” I look at him and he looks surprised? Confused? I don't really know.

“I don't know how it's possible. I tried to kill myself there, then I met that mysterious person who said I could have a second chance here. But I would be exactly the way I was before, and that doesn't explain why I have magic, though. There is no magic where I come from. They also said I wouldn't be able to be healed; because I need to learn how to love living with the hardships I had before, even if things are much more complicated now. I didn't have to learn to fight or kill people back there. My life was me constantly inside my room.” I don't have time to explain video games to him...

“I wish we had time for you to tell me everything about your world.” He sighs.

“Yeah... it would have been nice. But I will tell the other you at least.” I give him a smile. “You know, the reason I trust you so much...” I take a deep breath and hold both his hands in mine. “I know who you are, Solas.” He tilts his head and I can feel him slightly stiffer. I try to give him a gentle smile and I whisper “I know you're Fen'Harel.” His eyes go wide.

“Then... why... how can you trust me? How do you know?”

“In the world I came from there are stories about this one. And one of those stories told about you. About the Inquisition, about Corypheus, about your orb.” He tries to take his hands from me but I hold him tighter and he looks at me with an expression I don't know. Worry? Surprise? “Don't worry, Solas, I trust you, remember?” I smile. “I know you are a good man despite some bad decisions, I know how much you care for your people. How much you don't want others to suffer. How much regret and grief you carry inside yourself. The only thing I want is for you to be happy.” He seems really surprised. “You have no idea how happy you make me when you smile.” I chuckle.

“When you say my people...”

“The elvhen. Yes, I know they are different from the elves of today. I know how you feel about them, and I know you planned to bring down the Veil. And I know that you were the one who created it.” His eyes go wide. “I want to help you. I want Thedas to be whole again. To see the elves restored to their former glory. Do you think the other you will let me help him?”

“There is so much I wish to ask you.” He sighs. “You answered some questions that only left me with many more.” He looks to the direction of the doors, then, and shakes his head. “But it does not matter, your question does. Yes, I believe I, the other me, would accept your help after you tell him everything. There would be no longer the burden of hiding, after all.”

“Solas... do you trust me?”

“After this revelation how can I not?”

“And did you trust me before?”

“I wanted to. But I had reservations, for reasons you understand.” I nod. And I hear the doors opening and the group coming in, all of them.

“Let's get this done.” I stand up and go talk to the others.

They don't say much about what they went through to get the shards, but they give me the stones and a piece of paper saying about the dwarven ruins in the Hissing Wastes. We approach the door and after I set every shard in their sockets the whole thing glows, emanating some wicked energy and it opens.

We go in to find Alexius and the encounter goes very similarly to what happens in the game. After the man dies, Dorian collects the amulet and the others come say their last goodbyes. I hug Cassandra and Varric. When Solas comes say goodbye I can't help asking him “Solas, can I hug you?” He seems really surprised, and I wonder why should he be. He nods and I don't waste time, hugging him so very tight. His energy is sick, but he is still the man I love and I feel really bad to see him go through so much suffering. I wish I could comfort him and I really hope whatever aura I have can send my feelings forth to him. As much as I would hold the words in, they fight me to get out; and I let them leave my mouth.  _ “I love you, my heart.” _

“Come on, Herald!” Dorian shouts. “Get in the circle, girl!”

And just when I was about to leave him, he hugs me tighter for a couple of seconds then lets me go. I muster courage to kiss him on the cheek and run towards Dorian, not able to look at Solas while the spell builds up. I don't want to see him die; but just as we were about to complete the spell, among so many sounds of battle and demons, I feel his presence disappear. It doesn't feel like he got out of range, I feel like a part of me was ripped out, and it hurts. And I cry. The place warps around us to change back to the present.

 

While Dorian takes care of Alexius I'm flooded by Solas' presence near me. My senses seem to react on extreme levels; if before in the future it was already hard to adapt, now, when his energy is so pure, it just feels so much more intense.

I just can't help it. I fall to my knees, crying. A mixture of pain from his loss and the happiness of being with him again. Cassandra and Solas come running to me and help me up. And having him so close is just the last drop. I hug him, sobbing with emotion.

“Grace, what's wrong? What happened?” Cassandra asks. Solas is too shocked to even move, it seems.

I don't have it in me to answer, I just cry. Too many emotions. As the spies get in to seize the place and arrest the Magister, I hear Dorian explaining to them what happened to us. Solas apparently decides to comfort me by placing his hands on my shoulders. This is hardly a hug, but I can't leave him and I'm glad he isn't pushing me away. I hear Varric and Sera coming closer, asking what's happened to me and the others trying to explain.

After some minutes I still haven't calmed down and I hear Leliana talking to the others. At some point I hear the mention of Fereldan soldiers nearby or something like that. I let go of Solas then, reluctantly. I have to calm down if I have to face the King, or Queen. I still can't talk, I'm mainly sobbing between attempts at deep breaths. I know there are people around me but I can't really identify them because my mind is so confused.

When the front door opens I'm startled and I almost fall back. Someone supports me up and I see Cassandra's face for the first time since I came out from the portal. She is so beautiful without red lyrium infecting her. I notice the others around me, then: worried faces in all of them, but they are healthy and beautiful. I run my hands on my face and try to fix my hair. I take a deep breath and try to speak, my voice so rough after so much crying.

“Sorry about the scene...” I manage to say. “Sorry about clinging to you, Solas.”

Before anybody is able to say anything the Queen speaks. Anora. I wonder what happened to Alistar... I can't really make a choice between him and Hawke. Hope I don't have to. Cassandra explains the situation, and I don't have to say much in the end, for which I'm really grateful. I'm still too unstable. The mages will be leaving Redcliffe to join the Inquisition as allies, no Templars to watch over them, as previously discussed.

 

Leliana stays behind to see to the moving of the mages and our group goes out to the scouts camp after I give the papers to the Spymaster. We could stay in the tavern but we decide to save as much time as possible by going to the scouts camp now. We'll leave for the Storm Coast at first light.

I stay in silence the entire way there, I eat in silence and after I go for my nightly routine I go straight to sleep. I don't even know what they talk about. When I go to the Fade the wisps come greet me and try to cheer me up. My mood gets a little better but I'm still too overwhelmed by what happened. When Love arrives she understands that I don't want to talk about what happened, but allows me to cry on her lap and let the feelings out. The wisps also come closer, and I feel completely surrounded by comfort and love. Love runs her fingers through my hair and I imagine this is what a mother would do to comfort her daughter in such times. After the tears stop I just stay there, laying with my head on her lap, in the quiet of the beach.

 

Cassandra wakes me up and doesn't push me for any answers. I go through my routine and while we eat a quick breakfast I come closer to Solas.

“Solas, I'm sorry about yesterday.”

“Do not worry. Dorian told us what you went through.”

“There is something I need to talk to you about.” I take a deep breath. “Do you trust me?”

“That is an odd question.” And he does look confused. I peek at the others, they are far enough but I talk low nonetheless.

“I need you to trust me on this. I can't explain how or why, but... after we close the Breach I have reasons to believe your friend Wisdom will be in danger.”

“How...” He seems to analyze me and then sighs. “What sort of danger?”

“You mentioned once that the only way to prevent a spirit from being summoned is for it to be far away from the mage. She must stay away from the Dales, Solas.”

“I have not been able to contact her in awhile.” He says with a frown.

“If you want, go after her. The others will come with me to meet this Iron Bull, I'll be safe.”

“I... cannot. I cannot risk you.”

“I know how much she means to you, Solas. I'll be safe with them.”

“I will try to get a message to her. They are capable enough but your situation is too unique, and we cannot lose you. The world would be doomed.”

“Solas, you know about my punishment, there is no need for you to worry about me. You can still save her.” He sighs.

“I want to ask you how you even know about her. Are you sure she is in danger?”

“I wouldn't say this, giving you even more doubts about me, if I wasn't sure of this possibility.”

“Possibility?”

“I don't know how precise my information source is. But I would much rather this warning be in vain than... to say nothing and let it happen.” He frowns.

“I see. I will try to find her.  **Be careful** .”

“I will. I hope you can find her. I would like to meet her.” I say with a smile. “You should go straight to Haven after you get to her, hopefully we'll be there in a week.”

“Before I go I should check on your injuries.”

“Oh... right. Thank you.”

He treats my wounds and then I let the others know Solas would be going on a side mission and we leave, moving fast. It takes me a while to feel secure enough on a running horse, but as my mind wander away from my situation to Solas' I kind of forget what is happening to me. I can only think about how much I wish for him to be safe and find Wisdom so she wouldn't be turned into a demon later. I wonder if I can get updates from him at night. Would he come to me in the Fade?

 

We would have to go through the area around Crestwood, and we come across some rifts on the way. Thankfully none of them are hard and we don't get hurt. When I see dark clouds in the horizon I remember something quite important: Solas is not here, I won't have his magic to protect me from the rain. Shit. I take a deep breath. Well... Wisdom is more important... I can handle a cold... right?

“Dorian, please tell me you know a spell to protect from rain.” I say as we get closer to that massive formation on the horizon.

“Oh shit, that's right.” Varric says. “You sent Chuckles away.”

“Well of course I do my dear, how else could I protect myself?” Dorian says.

“And you can cast it on others?” I ask.

“Well, I've never had to, but I don't see why I would not be able to. Don't worry, I'll protect your cute fennec ears.”

“I'm worried about more than my hat, though.”

“Crystal says she gets sick if she's wet by rain.”

“You cannot be healed, you get sick easily, what a dreadful life!” I laugh.

“And that's not even half of it!” I say. “Anyone care to enlighten our mage?”

“Alright, let me tell you the story of the Herald of Andraste, Sparkler.” I laugh.

And Varric tells Dorian everything that has happened so far and how fragile I am, thankfully letting aside the shameful bloody event in Haven. We don't stop for lunch, we eat while riding, only slowing down so we don't force the animals. We close some more rifts, I take notes on the map whenever I find a resource, and we stop early for the night so we can use the stream nearby.

“So...” Varric says while we eat. “Care to enlighten your friend why you were crying on Chuckles' arms yesterday and you sent him away today?”

“Is this for your book?” I ask, unsure if I want to tell him.

“It could be, but I ask because I'm worried, Crystal. You gave us quite the fright crying like that and then you couldn't even speak. And knowing how much time you spend with Chuckles it's weird to see you send him away.”

“Yeah, no more elfy lessons for ya.” Sera says.

“Dorian told you about that future, didn't he?” I ask.

“He told us some pretty messed up things but... was that all? You were  **really** affected, Crystal.” I sigh.

“You all were sick with red lyrium, and you all died so we could make it back. I felt awful, I was already crying before we even got back, seeing you all well just piled up. I was sad for what I had just gone through and so overwhelmed with happiness and relief for seeing you safe.”

“I can't even imagine how so many feelings and emotions can mix together like that.” Cassandra says.

“It's not comfortable.” I chuckle. “As for why Solas went away, he had something to do. It has nothing to do with what happened in Redcliffe.”

“You guys didn’t fight, then?” Varric asks.

“No, nothing like that.” I hope he won't treat me differently because of the way I reacted in Redcliffe though...

“That's good then. I can continue planning my book.” I look at him with a squint but then I see he is teasing me, smirk and everything. I laugh.

“You like the apostate, then?” Dorian asks after some minutes.

“He is my friend.” He raises an eyebrow, I think he doesn't believe me. Well, why would he? After everything he saw in Redcliffe? But he doesn't push it.

 

They talk to each other, getting to know each other, and I go clean myself before bed. When I get to my beach I thank the wisps for the help they provided me yesterday. Kindness comes again, and after greetings she hugs me tight.

“I heard from Love, I'm so sorry you had to go through something that awful.”

“It wasn't easy, but I have you all to support me.” I smile.

“With that magic gone the Fade is more stable again. Spirits are starting to return. They are still afraid of the Breach, but it isn't so bad anymore.”

“That's great! That reminds me, you once said you had common friends with Solas, do you know his friend Wisdom?”

“You shouldn't say his name unless you want him to come, you know?” She smiles. “He is a dreamer, he can hear it when you say it.”

“Oh, so I  **can** call him?” She nods. “Interesting.”

“I don't think it was strong enough for him to come, though. He might think you are just talking about him.”

“Oh, that ought to get him curious about the gossip.” We laugh.

“I don't know that Wisdom, though. She's in danger, right?” I nod. “I'll see if I can get help.”

“I would appreciate it, but be careful, I don't want those mages to summon you or your friends either.”

“Don't worry, we'll be careful.” She holds my hand with a smirk. “Do you want to call him?”

“I... well, I do wonder how his search is going... but I don't want to interrupt him either.”

“Well, whenever you want to call someone, focus on them and call their name with intent. The stronger your focus and your wish to see them, the easier it will be for the message to get through.”

“Oh, thank you.” I say with a smile.

“I'll go now, got a lot of spirits to find. Maybe we can even get everyone out of that area.” I raise my eyebrows. “Yes, I'll try.” She smiles. “See you, Grace.”

“See you, Kindness.” She disappears then. Should I call him?


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace gets bolder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech

I want him to know I care about what he is doing but I also don't want to end up bothering him. Well... guess if he is busy he wouldn't come... right? I decide to try. I sit on the couch, close my eyes and think about Solas; it's always amazing to see how easily he comes to my mind. Focus on the intent. I want him to come here. And while my mind is set on him, my heart wishing him near, I call his name. It takes a few minutes, time that I use to enjoy the pure sea air, until I hear his voice.

_ “Hello, Enasa. _ You called?” He seems... troubled, I guess. It's weird to see him showing his worries.

“Solas!” I stand up and go to him, still standing on the beach. “I'm not interrupting you or bothering you, am I?”

“No, I still could not find anything useful. This is actually an opportunity to clear my mind.  _ Thank you. _ ”

“Oh, you can come here whenever you want.” He raises both his eyebrows. “Really, you're always welcome here. I'm sorry to hear you haven’t made progress yet. But I talked to Kindness a while ago, she's the one who taught me how to call you, by the way, and she said she's going to help you. She even said she's going to try and get every spirit out of there.”

“You really cannot tell me how you know about this?”

“I... not yet.  _ I'm sorry _ . Do you want to hear a song?”

“A song?” He tilts his head. “I would like that, yes.”

I smile and try to remember the lyrics. Should I get the Fade to play the background for me? That would be incredibly suspicious... I doubt Thedas has these instruments... well... I already revealed so much... what's some music? I can be a little irresponsible... right? It'll be worth it to see his face... I focus on the song and the Fade starts playing the song from my memory and as soon as the electric guitar starts I see his expression of surprise. I smile.

“So close, no matter how far... Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever... trusting who we are... and nothing else matters. Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way... all these words I don't just say... and nothing else matters”.

“Trust I seek and I find in you... every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view... and nothing else matters. Never cared for what they do... never cared for what they know... But I know”.

“So close, no matter how far... Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever... trusting who we are... and nothing else matters. Never cared for what they do... never cared for what they know... But I know”. I move my hands to the rhythm and smile at him, still so shocked.

“Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way... all these words I don't just say... and nothing else matters.  Trust I seek and I find in you... every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view... and nothing else matters. Never cared for what they say... never cared for games they play... never cared for what they do... never cared for what they know... and I know”. He seems surprised to the change on the song and I smile, hitting my hands in the air in front of me to the sound of the drums.

“So close, no matter how far... Couldn't be much more from the heart. Forever... trusting who we are... and nothing else matters”.

“What do you think?” I ask while the song fades in the background. He squints when I smile.

“I see you are starting to tease me with your secrets.” I laugh.

“I guess I might be doing just that!” I give him a nice smile. “Don't worry, I'll tell you everything after we close the Breach.”

“Do every song you sing have the words you wish to say in the moment? Or are they random?”

“Well... aside from  **that** song I sang for you, all the others I meant what the lyrics said.” He tilts his head.

“Which song?”

“ **That** song I sang for you here in the Fade.”

“You did not mean those words in the lyrics?” I laugh.

“I hardly believe you would love me, Solas. So yeah, I didn't mean those words. As I said back then, it was the only song that came to my mind. Every other one I knew just 'poofed' away.” I make a gesture with my hands when I say poofed. He shakes his head. “I mean, I guess I could say the song thanks you for all the help you gave me too. So on that part, then I guess I mean the words.”

“I see. Do you do this often? Play music here?”

“Not as often as I would like.”

“Do you have any other you could play?”

“Hmm. Can I be bold? You won't be mad at me?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Over a song? I do not think so.”

“Well... then I'll get my favourite one for you. Be proud, my dear Pride, you will be the only one that has ever listened to this song here.” I don't know what his expression means... more surprise maybe?

And then after I focus, the song starts playing in the background. The awesome electric guitars starting “The Count of Tuscany”, around twenty minutes of beautiful music. I can't help smiling as his expression keeps changing. Shock? Surprise? Awe? Suspicion? Admiration?

“My favourite part of the song is the second half. You'll see.” I smile and go quiet again, trying to focus so their voices would play and not only the background music. He needs to know their talent fully.

“Several years ago... in a foreign town... far away from home... I met the Count of Tuscany... a young eccentric man... bred from royal blood... took me for a ride... across the open countryside”.

“Get into my car... let's go for a drive... along the way I'll be your guide just step inside. Maybe you'll recall... a cannibal curator... a character inspired by my brother's life”.

“Winding through the hills... the city far behind... on and on we drove... down narrow streets and dusty roads. At last we came upon... a picturesque estate... on sprawling emerald fields... an ancient world of times gone by”.

“Let me introduce... my brother... a bearded gentleman... historian... sucking on his pipe... distinguished accent... making me uptight... no accident”.

“I... want to stay alive... everything about this place just doesn't feel right. I... I don't wanna die... suddenly I'm frightened for my life. I... want to say goodbye... this could be the last time you see me alive. I... I may not survive... knew it from the moment we arrived”.

“Would you like to see... our secret holy place? I come here late at night... to pray to him by candle light. Then peering through the glass... I saw with disbelief... still dressed in royal clothes... the saint behind the altar”.

“History recalls... during times of war... legend has been traced... back inside these castle walls... where soldiers came to hide... in barrels filled with wine... never to escape... these tombs of oak are where they died.”

“Down the cellar stairs, I disappear, like the English heir, the end is near. Come and have a taste... a rare vintage... all the finest wines... improve with age”. I see Solas expression change to something akin to shock and disbelief at the lyrics. I want to laugh but I just smile.

“I... want to stay alive... everything about this place just doesn't feel right. I... I don't wanna die... suddenly I'm frightened for my life. I... want to say goodbye... this could be the last time you see me alive. I... I may not survive... knew it from the moment we arrived”.

And then I wait for the second half, the most beautiful thing I've ever listened to. That guitar solo is just amazing. So calm and beautiful.

“Listen... it's beautiful.” I say almost as a whisper as the first half ends and the second begins. Even the transition is beautiful. I close my eyes, enjoying the solo, but I can't help moving my hands to the rhythm.

“Could this be the end? Is this the way I die? Sitting here alone? No one by my side. I don't understand, I don't feel that I deserve this, what did I do wrong? I just don't understand. Give me one more chance, let me please explain, it's all been circumstance, I'll tell you once again. You took me for a ride, promising a vast adventure, next thing that I know, I'm frightened for my life”.

“Now wait a minute man... that's not how it is... you must be confused... that isn't who I am... please don't be afraid... I would never try to hurt you... this is how we live... strange although it seems... please try to forgive. The chapel and the saint... the soldiers and the wine... the fables and the tales... all handed down through time. Of course you're free to go... Go and tell the world my story... tell about my brother... tell them about me... the Count of Tuscany”. And his expression changes beautifully to a smile. I, of course, smile when I see it.

“What do you think?” I ask.

“I must say I have many questions, although I believe you will not answer any of them at this time. I can wait until the Breach is closed, however. This song surprised me in many levels, but it is fascinating the way it is built to let the audience believe it tells a dreadful story, only to reveal it is a playful encounter.”

“Yes, they make great songs.” Too bad I'll never know any new ones.. I sigh. “But, what do you think of the rhythm? The melody?”

“I agree with you that the second half is beautiful, but the first half is also very intense, and it complements very well the message that is being told. There is thrill and tension. I do not recognize the instruments, however.”

“That... is something for after the Breach, unfortunately. Did I succeed in taking away some of your frustration?”

“You did.” He smiles. “ _ Thank you _ .”

“Great!” I smile brightly. “Love doesn't seem to be coming tonight, so I have it free and I must say I don't really know what to do.” He chuckles.

“Must you do something?”

“Well... I guess I  **could** just enjoy the place. You're welcome to stay if you want.” I walk towards the couch.

“I... I suppose I will. You do have a really nice place after all.” I sit down and motion for him to sit, he seems reluctant at first, but he comes sit beside me. The couch is big so there is space between us.

“You know what I remembered today?” I ask after a few minutes of just enjoying the place in silence.

“Hm?”

“That without you I wouldn't have protection from the rain.” I chuckle. “But don't worry, Dorian said he might be able to help me.”

“If he does not I might have to teach you from the Fade, otherwise you will become sick. You cannot close the Breach with a cold.”

“Yeah... I'll let you know how it goes.”

And then we fall into silence again. I only wish I could feel him here too, it would be perfect then. But at least I know he's here, so it doesn't feel like we are kilometers away from each other. The Fade really is amazing. I wonder if he would still be able to visit me after he gets to the Dales. Probably not, considering he can't get in contact with Wisdom from the Hinterlands. I will miss him.

“Whatever happens, Solas...” I say, without really thinking. “I hope you know that you can  **always** count on me. That I would never leave you alone if you allow me.”

“Are you not the one who sent me away?”

“And am I not the one who called you to this beach? You should know that if I had a choice I would have gone with you after Wisdom, but I have to go after The Iron Bull.”

“I appreciate your offer, Enasa.”

And after a few minutes I hear Cassandra walking around. I sigh.

“Cassandra will wake me up soon. Good luck, Solas. And please be careful.”

_ “Take care, Enasa.” _

 

And I wake up to Cassandra's touch on my arm. I go prepare and we leave, eating leftovers from dinner on the way. According to my map we should be able to reach a scout's camp by nightfall.

“So, Herald,” Dorian says after hours of silence, “why do you wear footwraps? I believe I have never seen a human do so.”

“She likes elfy things.” Sera says.

“Yes, also that. But I wear them because they are amazing, and my feet sweat a lot inside shoes. And you can call me Grace, Dorian. We went through too much shit in Redcliffe for you to be all formal with me.”

“That certainly makes it more friendly I dare say.” He continues. “You see, Grace, I was wondering how you can wear that being as fragile as you are.”

“It's enchanted. Solas taught me a spell to make it more resistant.”

“Oh, your apostate knows his things.”

“I guess you learn a lot when you don't have to follow Circle's rules.”

“Your Circles' perhaps. We have quite a lot of freedom in the Empire.”

“Too much freedom if I may add.” Cassandra says, a little disgusted I think.

“Oh I imagine how dreadful it must be for you southerners. So, tell me your thoughts about my homeland. I'm extremely curious to hear the stories they tell around here.”

“Well... I haven't heard much about Tevinter, to be honest.” I say. “But what people seem to agree with is that it's blood magic galore over there.”

“Don't forget the slavers.” Varric says.

“Yes, thank you Varric.” I say, remembering Fenris and everything I've seen about slavery in Tevinter.

“Well, this wasn't as intense as I expected.” Dorian says.

“You expected a heated discussion about how everyone hates Tevinter?” I ask.

“Something like that, yes. But I suppose this makes me... relieved?” The mage continues.

“Relieved?”

“Well, it's a sign that we can get along, don't you agree?”

“That's true.” How long is this peace going to last? I wonder who is going to start arguing first…

 

We continue on the road, running whenever possible so we gain time. Each rift we find is marked on the map so we can update the scout's camp if they had it on theirs. I also mark whatever resources I spot. They go through some banter and I comment on something occasionally, but my thoughts drift away often, worried about Solas' progress.

When we stop for lunch I realize something else about Solas' absence: who is going to check on my wounds?

“Er..” I start, but not knowing how to continue, “you know... I need help here, guys.” They look at me, worried and confused apparently. “Which one of you can do me the favor of checking on my back and arm?”

“Oh, right, Solas used to check on your wounds.” Cassandra says. “I am not really skilled at this but...”

“You might have to do it, Seeker.” Varric says. “I'm no good at that.”

“I could help ya but with simple things, yeah? Last time I saw your back it was pretty bad.”

“Were you dead I might have been able to help you.” Dorian says and I shake my head. “What? I'm a necromancer.”

“I know, Dorian.” I chuckle. “Well... Cassandra, can you check on them, please?”

“Of course, Grace. I apologize if I happen to hurt you.” She takes off her gloves and I take off my shirt after turning my back to the others.

“It's fine, Cassandra. I just need to make sure it has fresh poultices.”

It takes really long to go through it but in the end it only hurt a little more than when the healer in Haven checked on them. I believe the cut is already much better or it would have hurt more. After she bandages me back we wait for the food and I continue Cassandra's portrait. Dorian comments on it and offers himself as the perfect model. I can't help laughing but I accept it, he would only have to wait until after we closed the Breach.

After we eat we get back on the road, only for a couple of hours later be shocked by the sight of a Dalish caravan fighting some other people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> Nothing Else Matters - Metallica  
> The Count of Tuscany - Dream Theater


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An encounter with the Dalish on the way to Iron Bull.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech

As we approach Dorian says the people the Dalish are fighting are mercenaries from Tevinter, the kind the Venatori had been hiring. Sera and Varric then shoot the mercenaries from the horses and Cassandra helps me down from mine. With the combined effort the mercenaries are down in really short time. We collect the horses and approach the elves. There are many wounded and three dead.

“We thank you for your help, strangers.” A Dalish woman says. I think it's their keeper, she has a staff on her back and Mythal's vallaslin. She's not very old, though.

“You're welcome, too bad we didn't arrive in time to save the others.” I say. “We are with the Inquisition.”

“I did not expect to see Dalish in this area.” Cassandra says.

“We were moving to the Free Marches, things are becoming too dangerous around here.” The woman says. “These men attacked us on sight.”

“They are Venatori's mercenaries.” Dorian says. “I wonder why they would attack Dalish elves. Slavery? Sacrifices?” I frown.

“Whatever it is I'm glad they are dead.” I say. “There should be an Inquisition camp nearby, right, Cassandra?”

“That is correct.” She answers, unsure?

“They can recover there, can't they? They have many wounded and it would be safer there.”

“Indeed. And if you would like to join us you can report from there.” Cassandra says and I see movement to the side of the road. A white hart with huge horns, so beautiful.

“What a gorgeous creature!” I say, in awe. The animal approaches and another hart comes from behind it: caramel hide with black feet and dark brown horns. “Wow.”

The hallas run to the other side of the aravels and I see two more brown harts along with the hallas.

“We appreciate your offer, they broke some of our aravels and we need time to repair them.”

We walk along with them after they are able to move out, in case they could be attacked again. Varric and Sera searched the mercenaries but found no clue as to why they would have attacked them. Maybe for fun? Cassandra leads us to the scouts' camp because after all this time I'm still not that good at reading a map for directions.

She is indeed the Keeper, and as we walk she says that although they are used to trading with humans they rarely receive help from them, and that the Inquisition has given them a good first impression. They have heard about us, but didn't think it was much. Now they are having second thoughts. I think it would be nice to have a direct line with the Dalish, perhaps they could even get the word out to other clans when it's time to get the elves together. But that is a thought I can't let occupy my head yet, there is too much to be done before we get to that.

At some point the white hart seems curious about me, I notice it coming ever closer, until I give the reins of my horse to Cassandra and just observe, and in time it really approaches me. The animal is huge, its horns making it taller than the horse, but I feel something when I look at it that I don't when I look at the horse. Somehow I trust this unknown creature. It kind of reminds me of how I would always trust a cat back on earth, and they would trust me. The Keeper notices, but doesn't say anything. After a while I notice that the other hart, the one with black feet, always goes where the white one goes. It's curious and it ends up making me have two harts following me.

“Hoy Herald, wot are you doing with those halla? Why are they following you like that?”

“They're harts Sera, they're male. And I don't know why they are following me.”

“Guess they know you're elfy, yeah? Too bad it's not the elves who follow you. Guess you'd like that better.” She laughs.

“I don't mind them, they are gorgeous.” I look at them, such beauty.

 

It's nighttime when we make it to the scouts' camp. They are surprised to see so many people, we come with around twenty elves, not to mention the children that are inside the aravels. Some scouts go out to hunt more food as we settle down. The Dalish keep to themselves at the edge of the camp, unsure if they should approach it seems.

When the food is being prepared I go to the Keeper to let her know they can come and eat with us if they want, making sure they know they're welcome. The children are afraid, and after what happened earlier I don't blame them, so they keep closer to the others around the aravel and some adults bring them food. I don't want them to have to use their own supplies if we can help them. They'll need their supplies to make it to the Free Marches.

“So, Crystal,” Varric says when we sit down to eat, “how happy are you to be surrounded by elves?”

“The elves bit I like, the surrounded bit not so much.” I chuckle. “I'm still not a fan of crowds, but I'm glad we're able to help them.”

“I wonder what Chuckles would think of this. He talks so much about the elves' past.”

“Well... that would be... interesting to see.” The way he hates the Dalish I really don't know how things would go... maybe some bickering?

“I thought you'd be there with them yeah? You want to be elfy so you got a great chance over there.”

“You know the Dalish aren't that welcoming to humans, Sera.” I say, plainly.

“Oh I dun know, you're the Herald.”

“That means nothing to them, Sera. Dalish don't believe in Andraste.”

“Still, you glow, you close rifts. That'd mean something to them.”

“Maybe, but I'm still not a fan of crowds. I'm happy just knowing they're safe now.”

“You're a very caring person, Grace.” Dorian says. “I'm glad the Herald isn't some cold-blooded killer thirsty for power. There might be some hope for the world yet.” I laugh.

“Yeah, I suppose.”

Because there is too many people around I don't feel comfortable to go find a place to bathe and I make peace with the thought that I'll have to skip it tonight. Love comes to visit me and after the greetings she says:

“I am really glad you are expressing yourself more.” She smiles. “Specially after that experience you went through.”

“Well, I'm trying my best to. Somehow talking to him in that reality helped me build some confidence to talk to him here. It's always hard to get the words out the first time, I believe when I finally tell him here it will be much easier. I just hope he'll be as understanding.”

“I believe his curiosity will win over his suspicions.”

“I hope you're right. I don't want to lose his friendship.”

“Whatever happens you can count on me. And maybe you could have Inspiration's help to tell him at the right time.”

“That... might work. Can you talk to him? I haven't seen him since that day we worked on the house.”

“Sure. Let's work on your focus now, shall we?”

And we do. But she leaves some time before Cassandra wakes me up. I wonder how Solas' mission is going. He didn't come to visit me and even after I tried calling for him he didn't come. I wonder if he didn't want to or was out of range.

 

As I prepare to leave I see the Keeper approaching. “Good morning, Herald,” she says and I greet her back. “Some of ours would like to join your Inquisition. And because of your treatment towards us I agreed to it.”

“Oh that's awesome!” I say with a smile. “It'll be great to have them with us.”

“I also noticed those harts are really impressed with you.” She looks to the side and I follow her gaze, to find the white hart with his buddy. “Because they are such emotional creatures, I believe it would be harmful to take them away from you. I have never seen or heard about harts becoming interested in humans they have met after adulthood, but they like you. Please accept them as our thanks for your support.” My eyes go wide.

“I...” I look from the harts to her and then back at the animals. “I don't even know what to say. They are so marvelous, it will be an honor to have them. You really didn't have to give me anything for the help, I wasn't expecting anything in return.”

“We would have lost much more without your aid. It is only fair to give back.”

“I... I'll make sure they are treated with all the care they deserve. Do they have names?” She shakes her head.

“They will be with you now, you can name them.”

“I'll think of names that fit them. They'll be proud.” I smile at them and they seem to understand the conversation, somehow. How intelligent are harts? “Are they used to saddle?”

“No, we Dalish ride bareback.”

“Well... guess I'll have to learn how to do that...” I guess it would be easier for me to learn than to train them...

“After we are back in Haven we could have someone teach you.” Cassandra says.

“Ellas is one of the soldiers who will join you, he could train you.” the Keeper says.

“Oh, I'll make sure to remember his name.”

“We should go, Grace.” Cassandra says and I nod.

“I apologize, but our mission is time sensitive. You are welcome to stay for as long as you need.  _ Safe travels _ .” The woman's eyes go wide. I don't think she expected me to say something in elvhen.

_ “Safe travels _ , Herald.” She says with that Dalish rolling accent.

I tell the scouts the harts should be treated well, for we are coming back to get them on our way back from the mission. And that they should also be good hosts for the Dalish. I tell the harts we'll be back in a few days, even if they couldn't understand. I always say goodbye to my pets. Well, not that harts are pets, but still. They seem to understand, though. I wonder if Solas will tell me if they do understand.

“How are we supposed to take two unsaddled harts without reins back to Haven?” Cassandra asks after a while on the road.

“I expect them to follow us, honestly.” I say.

“Are you  **serious** ?” She asks.

“Yeah... I mean, they seem to want to come wherever I go, for whatever reason. You heard the Keeper. And the Dalish got them to follow so they are used to it.”

“I do hope they keep following you, specially if we get into combat.” She says.

“Yeah... I hope too.”

 

We continue in silence for about one hour, moving fast with the horses whenever possible. Cassandra says that at this rate we could get to Iron Bull's location tomorrow or the next day at most. When we slow down on the horses to be able to eat, Dorian breaks the silence:

“Have you thought about the Chantry's reaction when they realize you work so hard for the elves and  **with** the elves?” He says with a humorous tone.

“Oh they will love it, don't you agree?” I chuckle.

“Just imagine, the Herald of Andraste advocating for the elves. The very people they Exalted Marched on,  **because** of Andraste.”

“The Chantry is sick, really.” I say, serious.

“Then maybe we should get it some treatment, what do you say? What would be good?” He says.

“A big dosage of freedom to begin with, don't you agree?”

“Freedom is always good, but be careful not to give it too much unless you want it to end up like the Chantry back in my homeland. Can you imagine what people here would think about such scenario?” He laughs.

“I don't know, really. Tell me about the Tevinter Chantry.”

And he does, which brings questions from Cassandra and even Varric. Sera is unusually quiet during the entire conversation. He then talks about the Circles in Tevinter and I'm sad to find out even Tevinter doesn't have a better alternative to Tranquility.

 

It's almost time to stop for the night when we come by a rift that seems to be harder than the previous ones. Sera becomes excited with the opportunity to kill demons but I worry about people getting hurt. Without Solas here it's not like we are on our best to heal injuries, and while Dorian is a great damage dealer, he doesn't focus on protection and I don't know how to cast Barrier on others yet. That is actually something I should ask Solas to teach me when we go back, it should be easier than asking him to teach me healing.

The rift turns out to be hard indeed, and it's weird when a desire demon comes out from it. It's the first desire demon I see come out from a rift. It teleports behind me but I can get out of its range before it can hurt me. It's aura, however, has time to affect me, and it's not really comfortable, to say the least. I had already been feeling weird these past days, maybe the demon felt it, I can't be sure, but its energy increased it. I try to focus on the situation we're in and get rid of the demons so I can close the rift. I don't feel a recoil, I wonder if it's because my body is stronger or if it’s because my focus is. Maybe both? Strong rifts always made me recoil, it's weird to close this one so effortlessly. After the fight is over I notice Cassandra got a few scratches, she says it's nothing to worry about.

“Did we really fight a Desire demon?” Dorian asks, looking at where the rift was just a few seconds ago.

“Yes, first one I see.” I say.

“What's the matter? Demons are demons.” Sera says.

“Sure but, it's the first time I see one.” I say. “All the others are more... chaotic, dreadful, violent.”

“I'm pretty sure it wanted to kill us, Crystal.”

“Yeah but...” That's not what it's aura tried to do to me... I sigh. “Desire tries to tempt people into doing something they want, in a rift there is nothing that would interest it.”

“Maybe it just wanted freedom.” Cassandra says.

“Or it was after us,” Dorian offers. “When I say us I mean me, of course. I remember when a Desire came to me in the Fade. We ate grapes and talked, it was such a great moment. Until it tried to tempt me.”

“Did you kill it?” I ask.

“Of course, can't let a demon go tempting people can I?”

“Well, you could have convinced it to go away, or banished it from your dream.”

“I tried to talk it out of it, but it was relentless. I guess it couldn't resist, you know? Well, who could?” He says with that sassy tone.

“Let's move.” Cassandra interrupts me and I just decide to let the matter drop. We get on the horses and move out.

 

We set camp and thankfully there is water nearby so I can clean myself before bed. I don't get any visitors in the Fade tonight, so I decide to work on the castle with the tools, and it’s immensely better, allowing me to better shape the sand and even add details. I wake up in the middle of the night though, with thunder raging outside and heavy rain hitting the tent. I look beside me to find Cassandra and Sera sleeping. One of the boys should be doing the watch at the moment and I don't want to even imagine the state of things outside.

Trying not to worry about the rain, hoping that Dorian will be able to protect me from it, I fall asleep again, to continue shaping my castle.

When Cassandra wakes me up in the morning the rain is less intense, but still going on. She goes outside to ask Dorian to cast the spell on me so I can go out. He comes into the tent and I see he isn't wet so he might have the spell active on himself.

“Ready to face the rain, Grace?” He says with a smile.

“Only if you manage the spell, Dorian. Otherwise I'm going to set the tent over myself.” I laugh at his shocked expression.

“That would be such an awful sight! No, let me cast this. I already tried it on our dwarf and on our Seeker, you'll be fine.”

And he casts it, I can feel his energy coating me in a spell. I hope it lasts long. We prepare to leave and we eat leftovers on the way. The sooner we get there the sooner we get out of this wet hell.

Aside from everyone complaining about the rain we don't talk much. We fight some rifts and it's a mess. Even with the enchantment it's disgusting to step on mud. The feeling of mud between my toes makes me shiver even if it doesn't stick to me.

 

Continuing on the way to camp is uncomfortable. The movement of the horse under me only makes me feel worse. I had been in similar situations before, when my hormones would go haywire and nothing could make me go back to normal, and any thought, view or slight movement would make me more aroused. So yeah... the horse was making my life harder. I was about to jump down and make the way on foot when I spot the scout's camp ahead, and I do get down and go walking.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting Iron Bull and Cole. And an unexpected visitor in the Fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Sorry I'm updating a little later today, the heat kept me away from the computer. But here it is! Hope you enjoy!

The scout informs us the mercenary group has been attacking Tevinter mercenaries in multiple spots of the beach as they change strategy in hopes of getting on land, but Bull's company seems to think ahead of them and always knows where to wait for the attack.

We then have lunch and move out towards The Iron Bull's Chargers, arriving when they are finishing a battle against the Tevinter mercenaries; we don't even need to help them. I look at the horned man, over two meters tall, not counting the horns; pure muscle. I'm pretty sure he could snap me in half effortlessly. He laughs when he sees me and his voice is loud and powerful like thunder. The many tattoos on his bare chest don't make him any less intimidating.

“The Herald of Andraste. I didn't think you would be such a scaredy-cat. Or should I say, scaredy-fennec? Nice hat, by the way.”

“Thank you.” I feel  **really** intimidated by him. God he is huge... “You're the Iron Bull?”

“Yeah, the horns usually give it away.” He smiles, and that doesn't make me feel much better. “I assume it's your first time seeing a qunari?”

“Yes. I've read and heard about your people, but... they didn't prepare me enough, to be honest.”

“Well, don't worry, I'm not here to cause trouble. I want to offer our work to the Inquisition. More specifically, you, the Herald.”

And then we proceed to discuss what his company does, what they could add to the Inquisition, and his relation to the Qun. Cassandra doesn't hold back her distrust over the Qun and recruiting a spy and I agree with her that it’s a risky alliance, but also say that Leliana would be able to handle it, even knowing that she wouldn't. Iron Bull is a good addition, the man is incredibly powerful and his men are experienced and capable. While I know his relations to the Qun are far from ideal, I would make sure he wouldn't betray us, and maybe could even have his sharp eye recognize the spies after he is loyal to us.

The Iron Bull joins us, telling the Chargers to clean after their work and then move out for Haven when they are finished. We walk to their camp so he can get his horse and we start our way back in order to get the harts and move out for Haven. Hopefully we will have time before the attack.

The rain is more intense, making it harder to navigate around. At least being so uncomfortable because of the rain doesn't let me be uncomfortable for other reasons. Nobody seems to be in the mood to talk under the rain, even if we don't get wet. We push the horses and thankfully the rain doesn't follow us all the way. We make it to camp some time before midnight.

Because there were still too many people in camp, the Dalish were still fixing their stuff, I go straight to the tent after eating. Once again nobody comes to visit me, I wonder if they are busy or far away. I try calling Solas but he doesn't come. I work more on my castle, which is bigger and much more detailed now. At least in the Fade I don't feel my body trying to sabotage me, well, not as much, anyway.

 

After getting ready to go, I talk to the harts. It's so weird that I'm not afraid of a creature so big with really huge horns. They are quite docile, and really enjoy when I pet them. They poke me with their nose if they want me to pet them more but eventually I tell them it's time to move and that I need them to follow closely. They make a noise, a huff? And I assume that's agreement. We get food to eat while on the horses and move out. The harts follow us peacefully. I know the others are talking to Bull, but I don't really pay attention. I'm working my focus to ignore my body, and I think my focus was never pushed to its limits like now. They start asking me what's wrong but I just say it's nothing.

 

When we set camp for the night I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I just know that I  **can't** let my body relax. For the first time I wish really hard that the water in the river is very cold, and I make my way there in a really bad mood. Stupid fucking hormones... I don't need this shit... I meet with Bull on the way.

“With all due respect, Boss, I could help you with that problem.” He says with the most plain voice I have ever heard from him.

“Hm? What are you talking about?”

“You know, relieve that tension.” I sigh.

“Iron Bull, thank you, but no.”

“It wouldn't mean anything. It's something the Qun encourages. You could focus on your job instead of suffering like that.” I take a deep breath. Don't be mean.

“Look, Iron Bull, I appreciate you trying to 'help', but no. And don't bring it up again. This thing you're offering is just not going to happen.”

“Noted. If you change your mind you know where to find me.” He walks towards the camp then, with the wood he has collected for the fire.

I just go towards the river trying not to think much about this. Casual sex is not something I would ever do, it doesn't matter how desperate I could be. I wonder if it was pheromones or my behavior that betrayed me. Whatever it is, I hope the others haven't noticed. I know Bull is exceptionally cunning so it's not surprising that he would notice.

The water is very cold indeed, I don't know if it's because my body is burning, but it does give me such a shock that part of my problem  **does** go away. No way I can relax in this water. I stay there longer than I would normally stay, especially since it’s so damn cold and I hate cold water. I just hope it won't make me sick.

I go back to the fire do dry my hair and continue in silence. I fear if I dare speak I'll break my concentration and my body will act on its own. Yes, it's  **bad** . When my hair is sufficiently dry I go to the tent and try to fall asleep as soon as I can.

I protect my beach as usual, my wisps are as happy as always, so I'm really confused when I feel the hot and heady energy enter my beach.

I turn around to see a really gorgeous man in front of me. Tall, pale elf, with long silver hair, blue eyes with the most perfect face. He is wearing such beautiful clothes. A tight pair of pants, embroidered loose tunic and no shoes, showing really beautiful feet. I can't help peeking at his hands to make sure everything in him is beautiful, and they are. Big and beautiful hands with perfect nails. He notices my staring and gives me a sly smile, and of course his lips are sexy and his teeth are tempting. As if reading my thoughts, he licks his canine.

“Hello.” He says with the most perfect voice, it could melt me.

“Er... hi.” I manage to say, almost frozen in place.

“I couldn't ignore such strong energy pulsing from you.” He touches my hand, softly. I feel a shiver. I frown.

“What are you doing? Who are you?” I take my hand away from his.

“ **I** ...” He tilts his head with a smile, “am Lust.” Wouldn't that be a demon? Like desire? How did it get here?

“How... demons are not supposed to be able to enter this place.” I say, stepping back.

“I'm not here to harm you. I came to help you. To... have fun.” My eyes go wide. Oh shit.

“Er... no. Thank you. I... don't need that kind of... 'fun.’”

“Oh but your body and your energy don't agree with your words.” He opens the front of his tunic, showing the most handsome chest I have ever seen so close to me. Shit, shit, shit! “See...” he brings his hand to my face and rubs my cheek softly, “we could have so much fun together.”

“No... it... wouldn't be right...”

“Of course it would. You want to, I want to. Nobody would be harmed.”

“No... I can't do this. Please, leave me alone.” He takes my hand and places it on his chest. I gasp. Oh god... He is so warm.

“Are you sure?” He smiles.

“I... fuck... yes... I'm sure. Please, leave me alone.” Shit, shit, shit, fuck...

“As you wish.” He lets go of my hand. “If you change your mind, just call me.” He says still smiling and then after a bow he disappears.

I fall on the sand, feeling my body incredibly heavy. Fuck, shit, fuck! Urgh! God damn it! I need that fucking potion! And it better work! I can't deal with these hormones! I will myself to wake up and sit up, feeling defeated. I make my way outside and sit by the fire. I take a deep breath trying to focus on the flames dancing in front of me.

“Is something wrong?” Cassandra asks. I don't look at her.

“I...” I sigh. “I need that potion, Cassandra. My body is going to kill me at this rate.”

“What do you mean? Is it your moonblood again?”

“No... that's not the problem. Because of my condition, my hormones go haywire sometimes.”

“Your hormones?” She knows what it is, right? The scholars did...

“Yes. It's... weird to say this, but...” I sigh. “Uh... it's like I'm on heat, you know?”

“Oh...” I bet she's blushing.

“It's extremely uncomfortable, and maddening.” I run my hands on my face.

“I... uh... don't really know what to say.” I laugh.

“Don't worry. Sorry to dump this on you. I know it's awkward. It's just that now not even my dreams are peaceful.”

“Did you come across demons again?”

“No...” Better not to say it to her, she wouldn't understand... “But let's say my dreams are reflecting my problem, and I don't want to indulge it.”

“Oh... I see.”

“I'm still sleepy, though. Never thought I would say this but tonight I wish I could have a dreamless sleep.”

“Wish I could help, but even as Seeker I cannot cut you out from the Fade as Solas can.”

“Too bad he isn't here.” For many reasons... I stand up. “I hope I can sleep peacefully this time... good night, Cassandra.”

“Good night, Grace.”

I go back to sleep and thankfully this time I can sculpt in peace. Cassandra wakes me up and we get on our way, eating on the horse again. We are taking a shorter route so we may be back in Haven in two days if we run. And we take the opportunity to run whenever possible. To me this is almost torture, and I'm sure my focus will be amazing when I can finally breathe.

After they realize I'm not really up to talk about anything they decide to just talk among themselves, and they mostly talk to Bull, the new addition. And they also let him know about my unique qualities, meaning how I can't be healed and how easily I get hurt. And I bet it doesn't slip his mind the thought that he would have broken me if I had accepted his offer.

 

We don't stop for lunch, and when we finally stop for dinner and I go take a bath I get a visit I was definitely  **not** expecting at this time. I'm washing my clothes when I hear his voice. “You need to move faster. He is close.”

I raise my head to see his figure crouching in front of me, his hair falling over his face, partially obscuring it. It startles me but I manage not to fall or shout.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” Cole says with his gentle voice, then tilts his head. “I'm... you know me. How?”

“I can't explain it now, Cole.” I finish with the clothes and stand up. “How much time do we have?”

“Not much.” He stands up too. “He moves with his army, he is very angry you took his mages. But you know this.”

“If you're here then he must be very close.” Shit... we need to move. I start walking back to camp. “Can you not show yourself to the others? I'm not sure I can explain you to them yet.”

“Sure. I want to help.”

“Thanks, Cole. We can explain to them once the battle is over.”

I'm almost back to the fire when he says:

“Your back needs treatment.”

Shit. I had forgotten to ask Cassandra to check on my back because I was too focused on trying not to snap. I take a deep breath. With the imminent danger of Corypheus’ army I can barely pay attention to my body needs. Moving on the horse at least will be easier now.

“Cassandra, we need to move.” I say with a serious tone and she looks at me confused. “The Elder One's army is closing in on Haven.” She was going to say something but I interrupt her. “How long from here to the next scout's camp? We need to warn them.”

“How do you know this?” Cassandra asks.

“A spirit told me.” I say, simply and she justs raises an eyebrow. “Really, it's true. But I can't explain. We really need to move.”

“Seeker, she wouldn't be like that if it wasn't serious.” Varric says and I look at him, he seems worried. “Specially after being quiet all this time.”

“You have to admit it is curious,” Dorian says, “when the Herald goes out to bathe and comes back talking about an army attacking.”

“Did anybody miss her saying it was a  **spirit** who told her?” Sera says. “A focking spirit! Herald can talk to spirits awake now too?”

“We don't have time to discuss this, we really need to move.” I start packing my stuff, even if the clothes are wet. I put them inside that sack and hang it away from the others. “We don't have to run so we can spare the horses but we need to be on the move.”

“I don't agree with this spirit business but if the Boss is moving, I'm moving.” Bull then goes pack his stuff. Cassandra sighs.

“Better safe than sorry, Seeker.” Varric goes take down the tents.

“You really can talk to spirits while awake?” Dorian asks, seeming really curious.

“This one, yes. You'll meet him soon.”

“Him? Oh! I don't even know how I feel about this prospect.” He then goes to pack his stuff, seemingly lost in thoughts.

I talk to the harts, hoping they keep following us without any issue and collect the food. After we are all packed we move out. It's not easy to move at night in this terrain, but time is sensitive now. I wonder if Solas is already in Haven. We keep in silence all the way there but I'm sure they would be tossing all kinds of questions on me if it wasn't night.

 

It's almost sunrise when we get to the scout's camp. I tell Cassandra to send a message to Haven so they prepare for a big attack, but not saying how we got the information otherwise they could not take it seriously. She doesn't seem happy about it, but Varric insists and she does it so she wouldn't regret not sending if something did happen.

We allow the horses some time to rest and in this time I remember that I should ask Cassandra to check on my wounds. She apologizes for forgetting about it too, but starts to work on it. Because of the poor treatment in the past days she says it doesn't look too good, but it didn't have time to become infected. It's a bit painful but I handle it. When she's done I'm a bit sore, so I make the tea.

“Are you sure we can trust this information?” She asks me.

“Yes, Cassandra. He is a spirit of Compassion, all he wants is to help.” She frowns.

“And how did you talk to this... spirit?”

“He came to me while I was washing my clothes. Which will probably be moldy by the time we get to Haven if I don't set it to dry.” I stand up and collect the bag so I can set the clothes to dry near the fire.

“It... he... came to you?”

“Yes. He is in this side of the Veil, but isn't possessing anybody, don't worry. You'll meet him soon. I asked him not to show himself until we get to Haven. Solas will help explain about his nature.”

She shakes her head, clearly not liking the situation, but doesn't push further. I notice the others looking at me and I bet they want to ask me things too, but I think after hearing my dismissal to Cassandra's questions they would think I wouldn't answer theirs either. I spend some time petting the harts but the white one seems to like me as much as I like him, I'm definitely keeping him. I wonder if Solas will want to ride the caramel one. Would the hart like him? I don't really understand but the brown one is really attached to the white. Where he goes, the caramel follows. He doesn't seem to mind me, but doesn't like me as much as the white does. After some more minutes we move out. We should get to Haven by nighttime. And I will need sleep when we get there. I hope I can sleep when we get there. God... I don't think I've spent this much time awake since I was a teenager playing video games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming next: closing the Breach!


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closing the Breach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

Being so sleepy and trying to outrun an army triggers my anxiety. I feel so desperate that I wish I could fall into a hole and disappear. I try to get my mind to Love's teachings, I try to remember Kindness and Inspiration's words but I start hyperventilating all the same. The pressure is too much, my body is breaking down by stress and exhaustion.

“Fatigue, anxiety, fear.” I'm startled by Cole behind me on the horse. I didn't know he was there, and it even seems like he isn't, because the others don't seem to notice him. Even the horse seems not to mind. “This is too much. Everything is happening too fast. I won't make it, how can I make it?” He goes silent for a couple of seconds then continues, in a calmer voice. “You know how to calm down, she taught you. 'Take deep and slow breaths, clear your thoughts, focus on your breathing'.”

It almost feels like Love is talking to me right now. I wonder if that is a memory from one of her lessons that he just got from my mind. I try to follow his instructions, trying to remember the lessons, but I'm too tired. I want to cry. He hugs me from behind, then, and I'm startled for a second, but I relax. He sends out such comforting and calming energies from his hug. I open myself to those feelings and I start to calm down, my mind becomes clearer. I can focus on Love's teachings more easily then, and after I'm stable he lets go.

“Thank you, Cole.” I say after I'm focused.

“You're not alone.” He says, and I'm... shocked? I didn't know I had that kind of worry in me. “They will help you. They care.”

“I...” My mind goes to Solas and the others in Haven then. “I don't know if I can do this.” He stays quiet for some time and I wonder if he is even still there. I can't feel him behind me at all.

“He is well, he found his friend, he is expecting you, worried about the message, they are preparing for the attack.” He talks so fast that it takes me some seconds to follow his words. He stays quiet for a while and before I can say anything the continues. “Good, they'll be ready. You'll be fine now.” And when I was about to speak he says. “You think I should go talk to him, that he will help me. That it will be easier with him.”

“Yes.” I finally get words out. “Can you find him? Help them prepare?”

“Yes. I'll help them. Remember her words: breathe, focus, calm down.”

And then after some time in quiet I believe he is gone. It's weird that nobody seemed to notice what happened, but I try to keep my mind in Love's lessons. I can't break now.

 

At some point, after we slow down the horses, Cassandra breaks the silence:

“Did the spirit tell you who these enemies are?”

“No. Just that it's the Elder One with his army, and that he is angry that we took 'his' mages.” She sighs.

“Wait,” Varric says, “when you say the Elder One you mean  **the** Venatori's boss?”

“Yes. I'm not looking forward to seeing him.”

“We just kill'im and be done with it, yeah?” Sera says.

“Heh... if only it was that simple.” I sigh. “I don't think he will be easy to take down.”

“I've killed many Vints, they talk big but they all fall.” Bull says.

“I hope you're right.” I'm not even sure he dies after being sent to the Fade... I guess he probably would be wandering around there... I just hope he doesn't corrupt every spirit he comes by... Too bad I died before Bioware released DA4.

Bull and Dorian start talking about Tevinter and Bull's past killing Tevinters. Occasionally Cassandra would join in the conversation, it seems they get along well even with all their differences. Since I'm not being talked to I just decide to focus on being calm.

 

We eat while on the horses and they keep talking. I'm  **really** sleepy by the time the sun makes its way towards the horizon. If the horse wasn't moving I'm pretty sure I could fall asleep on it. I got a really bad headache and I feel like I could vomit at any second. I hate being this tired. My mind and vision are a little blurry by the time I hear the horns signalling we arrived in Haven. I push the horse to run and the others follow.

We dismount at the stables to questioning advisors. But I barely hear what they are talking, I can only  **feel** Solas' energy flooding me. I wonder if it'll always be like this from now on whenever we are separated. I want to run to him and hug him, but I hold back. Love told me to express my feelings but this would be too much, I don't have any right to do it. So instead I just walk towards him and, holding tight to my staff, I ask him:

“How are you? Did it go well? Did Cole find you?” He is so serious that I'm worried.

“I am well, and I have found my friend, she should be safe now if what you said is true.” I feel relieved. “As for Cole, he did find me, the council, however, are suspicious of him.” Oh so  **that** 's why he is so serious.

“I imagined they would, I was counting on you to help me explain to them.” I turn to the advisors to find them talking to Cassandra and the others. “Where is he?”

“He could be anywhere, with his power it is difficult to know.”

“Nevermind, he is probably helping someone. Help me convince them Cole isn't a threat? The  **real** threat is coming.”

_ “Of course _ .”

We approach, then, the advisors and start explaining to them what Cole is, what he could do with his power and everything that would be necessary to convince them he is a good spirit willing to help. They are still uncomfortable with the idea of having a spirit roaming around but they decide that he hasn't done anything to prove he is a problem. I really wish I could ask to sleep a little, but I know I have to close the Breach as soon as possible. And then I see Vivienne, approaching with her ‘I'm-better-than-you’ expression. God I hate this woman.

“Oh my dear Herald, you look terrible, darling.” She says. “If only you had time to rest. Is this I hear true? We are to be attacked? And we are keeping a demon in the Inquisition?”

I take a deep breath. Can I just ignore her? I sigh.

“Cole isn't a demon, Vivienne. And we're not  _ keeping _ him, he stays if he wishes. Thanks to him we have a warning of this attack.” I turn to the advisors then, ignoring the woman's mouth that opened to say something. “We have to close the Breach before they arrive here, we might not be able to do it afterwards.”

“You are hardly in condition to use such powerful energy, Enasa.” Solas says and I think I feel something in his voice. Concern? Is it for me or for the Breach? Probably the Breach.

“I don't have a choice, Solas. I'm tired, it's true, but the Breach is more important. I'll rest after we close it if we have time then. We can't waste time arguing, I don't know where the army is at this point.  **Please** , everyone, let's take the mages to the Temple so I can close the Breach.” I feel my legs falter and things spin a little. Shit I'm exhausted. Cassandra's arm supports me, as usual.

“You can barely stand!” Solas says, a bit stressed it seems. “How do you plan on channeling all that energy?”

“I don't know, Solas!” I say a bit louder than I usually would. “I don't know how I'm going to  **do** anything! I never thought this is what I would receive when I...” Shut up. I sigh. “I didn't ask to be in this situation. I didn't  **ask** to have a mark on my hand! Someone thought I should have it so I  **have** to do this.”

I hear the sound of steps and I see a messenger running our way. He delivers something to Leliana and then bows, before running back inside Haven. I see her eyes go wide for a second and she says “Commander, get the mages.” Cullen opens his mouth to say something but she continues. “We don't have much time.” Cullen moves out then. She continues. “After we got your message I sent off ravens to warn the scouts' camps so they would be more alert. This message states we just lost a camp in the Hinterlands, to an army of Templars with red stones on them.”

“Fuck.” I say and everyone but Solas and Vivienne also says something in reaction. “How long until they get here?”

“A few hours. Five at most.” She says plainly. How can she stay so calm?

“Alright. I'm going.” I head towards the horse but Cassandra holds my arm. I look at her confused.

“You're going to fall off the horse. Ride with me.” She says and I nod.

 

Everyone gets back on the horses and we move out towards the Temple. After a few minutes we arrive and the place is so eerie at night. It's clean at least, no more charred bodies around. I get off the horse, careful to not sprain anything, even though, as usual, my joints clack.

We walk down to where the rift was and I look up, feeling weird to be back in this place. I'm so much more different from then, and still just as scared. Or maybe more now that I have so much more to lose. I hear Dorian and the others who haven't seen the Temple before commenting about the place. Then a light touch on my hand pulls my attention. I turn to see Solas; he seems worried, but I doubt it's about me. He probably is afraid I won't be able to handle the power and we'll fail to close the Breach.

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Tired, sleepy. I really want a bed.” I rub my hand on my face. “And I'm nervous.”

“I wish to thank you for warning me about Wisdom.”

“You're welcome, Solas. I'm glad she's safe.” I see a rock nearby and I sit down, he follows me. “Think I can take a nap before the mages get here?” I chuckle.

“That is hardly comfortable.”

“Oh as sleepy as I am I could sleep standing if I wouldn't fall.” I bend down so my head lays on my knees and I feel my consciousness trying to slip away to the Fade. “Hmm. I think I'll try a nap...”

And everything indeed goes dark. I don't go to the Fade, even if the Veil is so thin here. I guess I'm too tired. I don't know how long I sleep for, but eventually I feel a gentle but firm touch on my shoulder and I open my eyes lazyly, only to be reminded that I'm to close the Breach fast because we're going to be attacked soon. I stand up quickly, too quickly, and everything spins. I feel warm arms holding me up and when I'm conscious enough to focus I see that it's Solas.

“Sorry.” I rub my eyes, which are burning because I'm too sleepy and he releases me after I show no sign of falling down. I look around and see there are  **a lot** of mages. “What a crowd.” I feel immensely nervous then. I take a deep breath. Ignore the people, you need their power only. They are just vessels that will give you power. It's you and the Breach. It's me and the Breach. Me and the Breach. I take another deep breath, turn my back to everybody and try to focus on the Breach. “Is it time?”

“Are you ready?” He asks.

“As ready as I could be under these circumstances. Let's do this.”

And then he instructs the mages, I focus on the Breach high up on the sky and point the mark to it. As the seconds pass I can feel the energy from the mages flowing towards me and they pass through me and feed the mark. I wonder how it knows it's supposed to do that. I realize I'm working as a conduit for all the mages and it scares me. If I can barely channel the energy from the Fade how am I supposed to channel the energy of over three hundred mages? Unless I'm not really channeling it. Well... I'm just another tool... Solas is probably doing all this. I close my eyes and just try to clear my mind, feeling the energy flowing through me and going to the mark.

At some point the mark starts getting warmer and I'm afraid it's going to burn my hand, or start spreading to my arms. It's too soon to lose my arm... come on... to the Breach, mark... to the Breach... But it doesn't obey me and only gets hotter and hotter. I open my eyes to see it's not longer a bright green, it also has a white light mixed in it. It's too much! I close my eyes with the pain and fall down on my knees. Thankfully I trained enough to be able to summon the Barrier before hitting the ground and I don't hurt myself. If only the Barrier would protect me from the pain of the mark...

When I feel like I can't take it anymore, that my hand is going to explode, I feel it release the power and I open my eyes to see the green ray going up the sky until it reaches the Breach. I feel the moment it connects to the mark and I focus all my will so that it will close. The power from the mages still flows through me and eventually I feel like I'm going to melt or something. My whole body is hot and my hand is stuck connected to the Breach. Close damn it, close! We don't have time, close! I push my own power to the mark, channeling all I can from the Fade and let my emotion drive it to the mark. You must close... close!

I feel everything at this point: fear of losing the people I came to care about, of losing my chance to be Solas' friend, of never seeing my spirit friends again. If the Breach doesn't close everything is lost. The red templars are coming to Haven soon and we have to go back. They are going to kill everybody if we take too long. My heart tightens and I feel like I'm going to explode. Too much energy, too many feelings.

“Argh! Close, god damn it!” I end up shouting, not satisfied with shouting within my thoughts.

There is a burst of energy around me, flowing inside me and it feels familiar. I realize after a few seconds that it's Solas' energy. I focus on the Breach once again, willing the mark to close it, pushing all the power that is coming through me to it. I don't know how, but I feel the snap that comes with it closing and I feel the energy leaving me as everything fades to black once again.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Battle of Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments! <3 It makes me really happy to see that you enjoy the story! Hope you like this version of the battle :)

I wake up in a bed and as soon as I remember what I was doing before I passed out I try to get up, but a hand holds me down. I turn my head and I see it's Solas.

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Tired. Did it close?”

“Yes, you did it.” That gives me a bit of relief, but he continues. “Reports tell us the army is very close. They already moved the people to the tunnels and are moving supplies as well.” I try to sit up and this time he allows me.

“How long was I out?”

“Approximately two hours. We do not have much time before they arrive. Your new equipment was brought while you were sleeping. I will let you change.”

“Solas.” He stops at the door. “Thank you.” He shakes his head.

“Thank you.” I tilt my head with a frown and he continues. “For closing the Breach.”

“Just doing my job.”

“Another could not have done it in your place.”

“Well, we'll never know.” I smirk.

“I will be outside.” He leaves.

I take a look at the equipment. It's a full set of whatever leather this is. It's thick but beautiful, it has a slight purple hue. The ringmail that covers the chest is pure black, I wonder if it's obsidian. The chestpiece has a neck protector almost like a large choker made of the black metal. The pants are tight and reinforced on the thighs with another layer of leather. She has made me footwraps with the leather as well and there is also a knee protector with the black material. The gloves mimic wraps and there are black metal reinforcements on the knuckles. I put the armor on, not forgetting to enchant the footwraps. It's not as heavy as I expected, which makes me happy.

Thankfully everything I need is always inside my bag so there are only some clothes left to pack from the drawers. The bag gets considerably heavier now but I'll have to endure. I make my way outside, trying not to think this is the last time I'll see this cabin or I might break again.

“Nice armor.” Solas says and I can't help giving him a smile.

“Thank you. She did a really good job, I hope I can thank her later.” Hope she makes it out of here. I look ahead and there are a lot of people carrying crates. “Where are the others?”

“Come.” He walks and I follow. “I suggested you leave the town with the people of Haven, considering your health, but Cole insists the Elder One is after you.”

“He doesn't even know me. I'm sure what he wants is the mark.”

“How did you know where Wisdom was?”

“We don't have time to talk about this. My answer will lead to many other questions, Solas.” I say, looking at him, and I see he is serious. “After this battle, when we are safe, I'll answer you.”

“I will hold you to that.”

“Don't worry, I can't die, remember?” I chuckle. “Just stay safe and we'll talk once it's over.”

He doesn't say anything. We get to the gates and I see everyone gathered, advisors and companions. Even Cole is there, if only a little farther from the others. I give him a smile when he looks at me.

“So what's the plan?” I ask as soon as I'm in range.

“The scouts are to retreat as soon as they see them and report back.” Leliana says.

“Then the mages will take the first wave for as long as they are able and then retreat so the soldiers can engage and the mages offer support.” Cullen adds.

“What about us?” I ask.

“ **You** are to stay behind.” Cassandra says. “While me and the others fight with the others according to our roles.”

“I can't just stay behind while you all fight. I know I'm not trained for this kind of thing but I can't just stay idle! What do I do? Give me something to help with.”

“Cole says the Elder One wants you.” Leliana says. “Stay behind, but visible, and he should show himself.”

“Play bait?  **Really** ?” I say.

“If you want to put it that way. Yes.” She continues.

“Don't worry Crystal, we'll be fine. But if you can throw a spell or two if they come in range I wouldn't mind.” He says with a smirk and I'm glad for the suggestion.

“Sure thing, Varric.”

“ **Don't** put yourself at risk.” Cassandra says.

“I wouldn't. Don't worry.” A horn signals something and I guess it's the attack by their alarmed faces.

“Go inside, and don't come out.” Cassandra orders me. I sigh.

“Fine. Please be careful everyone. I want to know every one of you better.” Except you Vivienne. I look at every one of them, except Vivienne. They all smile, even Sera, and I can't help smiling back. I guess she isn't that bad after all.

I go back inside Haven and try to find a high place so I can watch what happens and maybe help out. It's not long before I see waves of red shining among the trees and suddenly there is just so much noise. Everyone shouting war cries and as soon as the enemies come into range of the mages I see a really beautiful show of effects. Fire blowing up everywhere, ice spiking from the ground and multiple rays of electricity jumping from a red templar to the other. They don't stop, they keep coming, walking over their dead.

I can see some really big ones, but they still aren't the Behemoth. The mages do a really beautiful job at keeping them away, even if their archers manage to hurt some of them. Thankfully they have healers of their own so they can stay alive.

I stay there, perched up on the wall for endless minutes, hoping that nobody on our side dies. But there are just  **too** many red templars. They fire off lyrium and the mages' Barriers can't hold it. Some mages are just scratched but it seems to be really painful. Others are impaled and die on the spot.

Eventually the waves of templars become too much and the mages start retreating. I wonder how Corypheus found so many people. Just how many Templars were there? Maybe he transformed other people too... The mages move behind but still attack and offer support to the soldiers who move past them and start attacking the corrupted templars with soldiers, maces, axes and hammers. The small templars die without much trouble, but the bigger they get, the more red lyrium they have, and the more resistant they become, and also the more dangerous they are.

I see spikes of red lyrium coming out from the ground and impaling many soldiers at once, and then I see it, the Behemoth. That thing is so  **huge** and ugly. It's really terrifying. I see the soldiers getting scared and how they want to retreat when they see it; but a group of Templars, the good ones, circle the creature, and after many attacks, protecting themselves skillfully with their huge shields, they manage to crack the monster's layer of stones, which gives the archers a clear point to hit. After the Behemoth is dead I look to the other side of the battle only to see many other people dead. Red lyrium stuck into their bodies, and some even missing limbs. It's an awful sight. I hope I don't have nightmares after this. I'm thankful more than ever for my beach that protects me.

After agonizing minutes I see our people having to retreat, the attacking force is just too big, and too powerful. I can see not very far that more Behemoths are approaching. There is no way they can hold back against them. And if agreeing with me I hear Cullen ordering them to retreat. When the enemies come into range I throw as many Fade Strikes I can before I get lightheaded, in hopes I can hold them back so our people can safely get inside. Those walls and specially the gate won't hold them though, and Cullen knows this.

The Commander orders the soldiers to protect choke points and the mages to pin the enemies down along with the archers. It works for more long minutes, until the gate breaks open and a Behemoth gets inside, sending forth many spikes of red lyrium that kills three of ours at a time. I cast a Fire Pillar on it, but it does little against the monster. It sees me though, and I think it knows who I am. It starts walking my way and I try to run away, only to feel pain inside my ankle. Of all the times this could happen it had to be now. Sometimes it feels like my foot tries to come off my leg, even if it doesn't, but it's painful all the same. Because of the pain I limp and I almost fall down. I manage to get away from it just in time to not be hit by the wall of red lyrium. I keep running, trying to make it lose sight of me.

When I make it to the Chantry I hear an explosion and I look back. I see Blackwall and Iron Bull fighting it while Dorian and Solas throw spells. I feel relief then. But it ends up being short lived, because the creature throws Blackwall away with its claw. The warrior takes long to get up, but he does, and I'm relieved again. I don't know what to do. Not only the Pillar is useless on it but the Fade Strike wouldn't do anything either, and it's likely it would throw Bull to the ground too. I still don't know how to control the spell so it doesn't hit allies.

I don't have time to keep wondering about what to do, though. I hear a noise to my right and move to see, only in time to react and sidestep from an attacking Shadow. The Barrier comes up with a thought and I push the templar away with the Blast. So I wouldn't stay in range of my own attack I move back and then cast the Pillar on it. I can see how painful it must feel on its skin, burning the flesh and flaring the red lyrium. It doesn't stop, though. As if a machine, it comes my way again and I send another Blast; it stumbles back but doesn't get stunned. I call the Fade Strike then, and this time it is smashed on the ground, and doesn't move again.

I look back to see the Behemoth dead and the others coming my way. They are covered in blood and I feel mine drain from my stomach. I run towards them and ask if they are alright. They tell me it's just some scratches, that the blood I'm seeing aren't theirs. I really hope they aren't lying to protect me.

“It isn't safe here.” Bull says. “We're protecting you now.”

“How are the others?”

“They were fine last I saw them.” Dorian says. “Maker, what  **was** that thing?” He points to the Behemoth.

“I'd guess that's the experiment the Templars were doing with red lyrium.” I say and they look at me with wide eyes. “That's something Leliana told me before we left to save the mages. The Templars were doing experiment on their own.” They curse.

“I know they were doing experiments on wildlife from that report we found in that reality, but to see it done on  **people** ...” Dorian sounds and seems really disturbed.

“Vints.” Bull says with disgust if I understand the tone right.

“Not all Tevinter would do something like this!” Dorian says.

“Come on guys, it's not time for this.” I say. “What do we do now? We can't stay back doing nothing while they fight and die over there.”

“No, we cannot.” Solas says. “But we also cannot take you to harm’s way.”

“Fine... we move just so we can help without putting me at risk.”

 

And then we move and I feel like a precious thing being escorted. It's so weird. They move just enough to be in range so Dorian and Solas can attack while Bull and Blackwall keep close to me in case there is another sneaky one.

At some point I hear a thundering sound. And then another, closer, which becomes clear to me it's a roar. It comes to me then: It's the dragon. I summon the Barrier immediately, not wanting to be burned at any chance and shout for everyone to run for cover. They don't understand at first, but another roar gets them to look up and when I turn my eyes to see, the beast flies by, spitting that corrupted fire down on Haven. Everyone runs then.

We get inside the Chantry but I know it wouldn't hold against the dragon, the building is half made of wood. One after the other I see the companions and advisors coming in, and at last Cullen enters, panting and with a confused look.

They start discussing what to do, and at some point they accept that they can't save Haven. The army is just too big and powerful. Cole reminds them that the Elder One would follow me until he satisfied his wish and the end plan ends up being the same that happened in the game. We bury Haven in snow and I would be the bait. Cassandra, Solas and Varric don't seem happy with the decision, knowing how fragile I am and all that. They don't believe I would survive long enough to be able to work as distraction, much less get out of there. So in the end I was to be accompanied by a small group. I take Solas, Cassandra, Varric, Dorian and Bull.

We go outside and I keep my Barrier up at all times, Solas also keeps everyone protected. It's just hell everywhere we look. I hear a horn and I assume that should be the signal for the soldiers to retreat or something. We move towards the trebuchet we're supposed to set off when everybody is clear and there is just so much fighting all the way there. People try to retreat and the red templars follow, we take them off the people and kill them. And that happens over and over.

Eventually we don't see more of ours, only red templars. I just hope they fled and not died. I don't know how we're going to make it out of here, though. And I'm pretty sure they wouldn't leave me behind to die either. Not after that heated argument back in the Chantry. Being helpless really sucks... I can't even get them to leave me here and save themselves.

 

We manage to find a clearer route to the trebuchet and Bull turns the thing effortlessly, which is awesome because I'm pretty sure I couldn't do it. But as we wait for the sign, among some red templars that saw us here, the dragon roars again. Bull gets excited with the possibility of fighting it, even if it's not a normal dragon. I look around trying to find an escape route but I only see rocks and trees. The fact it's night doesn't help either. And it's a  **dark** night. I can see better than most in the dark, but I don't have night vision. The floor doesn't have any floorboards, no way we could escape through that tunnel that was conveniently there in the game. But there is a mine nearby... maybe we'll have time to reach it.

I start to discuss this with them, saying that we wouldn't have time to reach the escape route Cullen found and that we would need to find another one. They argue that they can't split to look for the mine because it's too dangerous to leave me here, but in the end they accept that it's either that or risk we all dying buried by snow. So I stay by the trebuchet with Solas and Cassandra while the others go down to check on the mine. Cullen said some tunnels were beyond fixing... I hope this wasn't one of them...

As we fight some red templars that come by from time to time, there is no sign of the damn signal. The dragon has been flying around for a while and I don't know what causes it, but it decides to come down. I shout for them to get out of the way and they manage to jump out of range just in time. The dragon lands with a loud noise and roars, it makes me feel like I put my head inside a speaker at the highest volume. I look around and see Solas and Cassandra far away from me, the dragon between me and them. Corypheus comes down from the dragon and walks my way. He is big and scary, no wonder I cried in alarm when I saw him in the Temple with the Divine.

I want to run, but I can't, and my body also seems to freeze. I hear Solas and Cassandra shouting my name and telling me to get out but I can't move. I see the dragon sitting obediently and only moves when the others try to come my way, which causes them to be stuck over there. Corypheus grabs me so effortlessly I feel like a toy, he is  **really** huge. I wonder how he even got so big.

He interrupts my meaningless thoughts with his chatter and I try to get him to talk about his plans, but he doesn't say anything very useful, well, not useful to  **me** that is, for the ones who don't know his plans whatever information he gives is useful. At least the fact Cassandra is over there saves me the trouble of explaining this to the others. He tries to take the anchor from my hand, but fails and throws me down. I feel such intense pain on my arm when I land that I'm pretty sure something is  **very** wrong. He keeps talking and I hear Bull's voice shouting that they found it. Good... now if only you would let us pass, you ugly thing... Come on Cullen... where is that damn signal?

Corypheus starts building energy on his hands and I'm pretty sure whatever it is it's going to hurt me when it hits. The pain in my arm only gets stronger by the second and finally I see a signal flying up the sky. I hit the trebuchet and Corypheus seems annoyed, he throws whatever it was he had on his hand my way and since I can't move I focus every energy I can into the Barrier so it would strengthen it. And thankfully it works, but there is an explosion in front of me with the impact and I'm thrown back, and I hit on something that pokes my back painfully. I feel something warm stream down my skin with the pain and I'm pretty sure it's blood.

Corypheus gets on the dragon and flies away, and with that I see Solas and Cassandra running towards me. I can't get up, the pain on my back and my arm is too much. There is a loud noise getting louder and I see it's the mountain coming down on us. They see it and rush to get me up and run down to get into the mine. Iron Bull is down there holding back the red templars with support of the others and when he sees us he opens a path and runs inside after we come through. Some red templars follow and they are killed as they enter but it's not long until the sound of the snow is just too loud and the cave is completely dark.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)

Solas and Dorian summon motes to light the tunnel and I see the moment they look at me with alarmed expressions. My whole body hurts, but the worst is my right arm and my back. I look down and see blood on my waist, apparently the armor wasn't enough to protect against whatever that was I got pushed onto. My right arm doesn't obey me, though, I look at it and see the reason it hurts so much: it came off from the socket on my shoulder. Solas crouches beside me and starts analyzing the wounds.

“Does this tunnel have an exit?” Cassandra asks.

“It goes on for some time,” Dorian begins, “we didn't have time to explore, but we need to move, if it doesn't have a way out we'll need to cut out a path through the snow before we run out of air. Can you fix our dear Herald, Solas?”

“The arm is a simple but painful procedure.” He says looking at me with a worried face. “But the puncture on the back will take time.”

“There's...” I try to get words out through the pain, “vinegar... in my bag.” I close my eyes. “Get my arm in place, please.”

“This will hurt.” I nod, already knowing. I feel his touch on my arm and shoulder, but the next thing I feel is a really intense pain and I scream. Tears fall down my face. “Cassandra, help her up and remove her armor.”

“Of course.” She comes to me and helps me up. It's so damn painful to stand.

My shoulder is sore and throbbing, my back is still leaking and hurts so much. She helps me remove the armor but every movement is painful. Getting my injured arm through the chest piece is awful. Then removing the shirt is too. I turn my back to him so he can treat the wounds.

“The cuts have reopened.” He says after removing the bandages. “And the new wound requires stitches. I apologize, it will be painful.”

“Heh... more than it already is?” I close my eyes. “Don't worry... I can take it.”

“You're brave, Boss.” Bull says and I chuckle.

“It's not a matter of bravery if I don't have another option.”

“Varric, come search with me for an exit, will you?” Dorian says.

“Sure, Sparkler.”

I hear them walking away and I notice the change in lighting as they get further. Solas applies the vinegar and I can't hold back the screams. That shit  **hurts** so damn much. But at least the blood stops quickly. He applies poultices on the cuts and after he is done I feel the prick of the needle, but then it comes through my skin and that shit hurts. I try to hold in any noise but I can't help whimpering. I don't know how long it takes, it's just too painful and it just feels like forever. He applies poultice on it after he is done and starts bandaging me again. I'm sobbing and tired and all I want is to sleep through the pain.

“How do you feel?” He asks after he is done.

“Everything hurts, I'm tired.” I say with a voice weaker than I thought it would be.

He gets another shirt in my bag and helps me into it. My arm is too sore but I make it. The armor is harder to wear, though. After all is done he helps me sit down.

“Shouldn't we go after them?” I ask.

“It'll be worse for you if we have to walk back to break through the ice.” Cassandra says.

“Oh, right.” I say and pull my knees close to my chest and lay my head on them.

We stay in silent for a while, then Bull asks:

“What was the deal with that dragon?”

“It looked like an archdemon,” Cassandra says, “but the Elder One seems able to control it like a pet.”

“So the Elder One showed up?” Bull says.

“Yes.” She continues. “He claims to be one of the Magisters who went into the Golden City. And that Grace stole the power from him to enter the Fade.”

“Is that what the thing on her hand is?”

“That is what he said. He tried taking it back, but failed. Then he wanted to kill her out of spite, but the signal came in time and we were able to set off the trebuchet and he flew away on the dragon.”

“An ancient Vint. I didn't see that coming.”

“We'll defeat him.” I say. “We have to.”

“Yes.” Cassandra says. “After we find the others we have to find ways to stop the things you saw in that reality.”

“Yeah... that can't happen.” I say and we fall into silence again.

This place makes me nervous, there isn't fresh air and I hate it, it makes me feel suffocated. I try not to worry about it, trying to focus on Love's lessons. Some more minutes pass and I hear footsteps, I notice Bull and Solas heard it too, as they react to it, looking into the tunnel. Then I see Dorian running towards us.

“Good news, we have a way out.” He says, panting. “Bad news, it's blocked.”

“Blocked how?” Cassandra asks.

“A lot of heavy rubble, but there is air coming from the other side, fresh air.”

“Alright, let's move.” I say, trying to stand and Solas helps me up. He was still beside me.

 

We walk for a while, I have some difficulty moving so the others go ahead while I go at my own pace. They don't go too fast so I can still keep within range of the light. At last we get to Varric, who was apparently searching something on the rocks.

“Finally!” Varric says. “I was getting restless here. I don't like being underground, you know. Specially locked up, it brings bad memories.”

“Sorry, I can't walk very well.” I say.

“No, I'm sorry, Crystal. I know you're hurt. It's just... this reminds me of that damn expedition.”

“So, we just have to get through this rubble?” Bull asks. “I can handle it.”

“I can help.” I say and he looks at me as if I had grown another head. “What? With magic.”

“Oh, right. Because there's no way you can carry these stones, Boss.” I see a smirk.

“Heh, definitely not.”

“You're hurt, you shouldn't push yourself.” Cassandra says.

“I can do this much, and the faster we clear it the faster we get out of here.” She sighs but agrees.

And then we start clearing it, Bull carries the stuff with his strong arms and me and the other mages use magic to lift it out of the way. Everything goes well until there is a cracking noise. Everyone stops and we notice that it's the ceiling. Beyond repair indeed... shit...

“It's going to collapse if we take it all out.” Bull says.

“No shit, Tiny.” Varric says, worried tone in his voice.

“Can we make a small tunnel to pass through?” I ask.

“I don't know a damn thing about this.” Varric says.

“We could keep the stones in place while Iron Bull and Cassandra remove the stones from underneath.” Dorian says.

“Yeah... I guess that could work.” I say.

And we start doing it. Instead of continuing to use magic to remove the stones we use it to maintain the top stones in place while the warriors remove the ones halfway down. Eventually they gets a small tunnel open and Varric goes through to check what's on the other side. As more stones are removed it becomes more tiring to keep the stones in place. Cassandra goes through with some difficulty, no way Bull could go through, so more stones have to be removed. I'm starting to get lightheaded when Bull opens a hole big enough for him to pass. The mages tell me to go next and I do, making sure to keep the stones up as soon as I get on the other side.

Next comes Dorian and I see some stones threatening to fall and I get nervous. No way I can let Solas locked in there... come on... endure... Dorian passes through and holds the stones up while Solas passes through, but some stones fall down and my heart skips a bit. Thankfully nothing happens to him. We let the stones fall then, and that part of the tunnel completely collapses. I want to hug Solas, I was so worried, but I hold back.

“Come on, let's move.” Cassandra says and we get on the way.

 

We continue walking for some time, the air is indeed fresher. This tunnel seems to connect to some old building, as the walls are made of stone and not just dug into the earth. Some torches have been lit up and I guess that's something Varric did. We find the dwarf standing where the corridor splits, a torch in hand.

“Which way?” He asks.

“Should we split?” I ask.

“Could be dangerous.” Cassandra says.

“The air is fresher this way.” Solas points out to the left.

“Should we not find what secrets this place holds?” Dorian asks. “It could be ancient and have untouched, lost knowledge somewhere.”

“And there also could be giant spiders and darkspawn.” Varric says.

“Urgh... killjoy.” Dorian says.

“I hate to say it, but Varric is right.” Cassandra says. “We can come back another time if it seems reasonable.”

And then we move on, going through the left corridor. We come across a door, and when we open it we see a large room, apparently a mess hall. There is a dead fireplace on a wall. We don't find anything of use neither a way out. Back on the corridor, we continue until we find another door, this time to a closet of sorts. What's left of some brooms and buckets lay on the stone floor, some jars with unknown substance sitting on shelves. Dorian examines the jars but doesn't know what it could be, we decide for caution and just leave it there.

Another door reveals a library to us. Probably a lot of lost knowledge indeed. Sadly we don't have time to go through the books, but many seem very old. Varric even says that some of them are forbidden by the Chantry.

“We must find a way to come back here later.” I say as we continue through the corridor. “I want those books.”

“As long as you share them with me.” Dorian says and I chuckle.

“Sure, Dorian.”

The corridor splits again, another corridor to the right and a staircase in front. The air seems fresher from the staircase so up we go. The room we end up in is half covered by rubble, the ceiling collapsed on it. We find a small space to pass through and go through a broken door, leading to another corridor. The doors in this corridor lead to small rooms that seem to be dormitories. Three to four broken beds. There are no windows so I guess we are still underground. There is nothing in the place to indicate who owned the building. There are more collapsed areas that are hard to pass through but we manage and we finally get to another staircase leading up.

We end up in a big room with large broken windows, there are trees outside and every furniture is broken. There are two doors leading out of the room and we check them both. One is blocked by rubble and the other leads to a corridor with broken walls on the left and a door on the right. Before we leave towards the woods we check the door, revealing a little studio with broken furniture, the ceiling collapsed on half the room. There is a painting hanging poorly from the wall; it's almost completely destroyed, but I manage to identify the shapes of some elves in what seems to be a forest. I wonder what that picture really showed. They don't seem to be slaves.

The sky is a mix of colors indicating the sun should be rising soon, but we can't stay here to rest, we need to move out and find the others. I can't possibly hope to guess which way to go, the others also seem a bit disoriented, so it ends up being Solas who guides us through the woods, as the apostate who lived alone on the wilderness his whole life.

Cassandra tells them what she saw of the encounter with Corypheus and there is all kind of reactions, but the most common is worry. “How are we supposed to defeat a Magister that controls an Archdemon?” Well, we don't have the answer at the moment and we decide that we should focus on what we know, which is the red lyrium smuggling, the assassination of Celene and the demon army in the Western Approach. I want to tell them that I know it's the Grey Wardens who are involved in it, but if this happens like it did in the game I won't have to. Hawke should show up soon enough to reveal it. What I  **could** possibly do is get them to scout the area in hopes of getting us faster access to the area before we have to get there. Hopefully those papers we found in the future would be helpful.

 

There doesn't seem to be any threat nearby. It's already morning when we get to a high enough spot. We look back and it's devastating to see what became of Haven: completely buried in snow. We don't notice anything that could indicate the red templars are still around there, but we still stay alert and don't light any fires.

We sit down to rest for a couple of hours and split the rations we have in our bags. I notice everyone seems a bit awkward. Shock maybe? I know I feel like I'm lost. I have them beside me and I know what I'm supposed to do next, but it's so overwhelming that I feel scared. And I'm  **so damn tired** . I take the chance that we stopped to take a nap. I don't go to the Fade, I guess my body can't spare the energy as Solas once said.

It's almost noon when they wake me up and we move again. I wish I could drink some of that tea, but we can't light a fire. The trek is exhausting, I want to cry, but I try to keep myself stable. I try to focus on Kindness' words: think good things. We'll make it. We'll get to the pass and we'll rest. People were saved. We'll get to Skyhold. We'll be fine. We'll be fine…

 

At some point they start talking again, but I'm too tired to join in the conversation. I just listen to them, it takes my mind off my worries at least. They start to know each other better, although Solas and Bull start arguing about the Qun very soon. Since nobody wants a foul mood after what we just went through that topic dies soon too. They start asking about Cole and Solas starts explaining what he knows about spirits and what he understands about Cole's situation. The ones who have been with us for long take it well, but Dorian and Bull, specially Bull, find the whole thing unusual and uncomfortable. But I know they'll get along just fine.

What surprises me is the way Cassandra and Bull get along so well now after they have fought together in that battle. I never took them together with me in the game, so it's all new information for me.

The trees start getting rarer the further north we go, and the snow gets higher. My legs feel really cold even with the enchantment on the footwraps. It's hard to walk and I'm pretty sure I would be suffering if the mark didn't protect me against the cold somewhat. At some point the mages have to ward us against the cold so we don't get frostbite. The night falls and we finally come across signs of the way the others took when they fled into the mountains.

I'm really tired and I fear I'm going to pass out soon but there is no way we can stop to rest in this place. I can only hope my body endures. We continue in silence, apparently nobody has either the energy to spare or the mood.

 

Night falls and we continue. It's so damn cold now. They cast the wards again and I can see in their faces that they all are tired. When it feels like we wouldn't be able to continue we spot fire ahead and that lights hope in my heart, and from their sighs of relief I guess in theirs too. We push ourselves and when we approach some people come to meet with us: Cullen, Leliana and some scouts.

We make our way into the camp and I'm surprised by the amount of tents and people. It seems the escape from Haven was a success, even if we lost people fighting. I ask to sleep and talk to them when I wake up, because I can't stand anymore. Leliana orders one of the scouts to take me to a tent and I follow. I leave my stuff beside the makeshift bed and lay down on my belly, armor and everything, because I'm too tired to undress. I fall asleep as soon as I'm comfortable.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech

I don't see the Fade, but I wake up rested. Everything hurts, though. I open my eyes and it's dark outside. I wonder how long I've slept. I look around and don't see anybody. I try to sit up but my back hurts. I decide to wait until someone shows up and I end up falling asleep again. When I next open my eyes it's still dark. I'm still alone, I want to know what happened, what are we supposed to do. I force myself up even if it hurts.

When I make my way outside I notice the moon is shining brightly and there are so many stars on the sky. Without the Breach it's really easy to see the many stars. I look around and see people talking around campfires. Sera sees me and comes running to me.

“Herald! Finally awake uh? How you're feeling?” She says excitedly. I wonder why she behaves like this, I'm not even that friendly with her.

“Aside from the pain I'm good. Not sleepy anymore.”

“Heh, you slept for over a day, would be weird if you were still sleepy, yeah?” She continues and I see Varric approaching.

“You only say that because you weren't there when she slept for almost two weeks, Buttercup.”

“You're shitting me.” She says with a surprised face. I shake my head.

“It was when she closed the big rift in the Temple.” He explains. “She was almost dead but the Seeker insisted she had to close the rift anyway, poor Crystal did it but passed out on the spot.”

“That's how she got her nickname then?”

“No, that came before. She told us she couldn't fight and that she got hurt easily, Chuckles also told us she couldn't be healed by anything.”

“At least you can fight now.” She says and I chuckle.

“Barely.” I say.

“Don't sell yourself short, Crystal, your spells are quite deadly.”

“They don't work on everything, and then I'm screwed. I have to learn more.”

“Well, can't argue with that. Were you looking for Chuckles?”

“I was looking for anybody who could tell me how long I've been out, what happened while we were away and what we're supposed to do next.”

“I can answer some of those.” Sera says. “You slept the entire day. When the battle went to shit and we had to fall back people split into the tunnels, carrying the injured and killing the red templars that came after us. I shot down many of them shitbags while we were in the tunnels. When nobody was coming through anymore we collapsed it after us so they wouldn't follow. We were worried about you, y'know? Nobody knew how your group would make it out of there. Leliana wanted to send her spies after you.”

“Yeah... it was bad there. I'm glad we could save so many.” I say looking around.

“Yea... and all the little people made it through.” She says with a big smile.

“Oh that reminds me, that plan of yours to punish those men, did it work?”

“He he he. It did. Shitheads won't be doing anything like that again.”

“They won't try revenge, right?” I ask, worried.

“Nah, don't worry. I got that covered. People know how to handle it.”

“Hope so. I don't want anybody hurt.”

“It's fine, yeah? But if you want to know what we're doing next you have to talk to the big ones. They're over there.” She points to a big tent, all closed up.

“Alright. Guess I'll go there, then.” I say. “I'll see you guys back in a while. Oh, and if you happen to see Solas, I indeed want to talk to him, Varric.” I smile.

“I'll tell him.” He says.

As I walk away I hear Sera saying “Bet she's worried 'bout him”. I get to the tent and hear them arguing. I open the flap to find all three advisors inside. They cease talking and look at me.

“Herald, I'm glad to see you better.” Josephine says and I smile.

“Thank you, Josephine. I'm glad we could save so many people. I was surprised to see them.”

“That was only possible thanks to your warnings and suggestions.” Leliana says. “We lost soldiers and mages but that comes with the war.”

“Don't dismiss their lives so easily, Leliana.” I say. “They'll be missed by their friends and families. Nobody should have died.” I sigh.

“Of course, Herald.” Cullen says. “And it would have been much worse had we been caught by surprise. That dem- spirit, Cole, he helped us immensely.”

“He is a very good spirit, Commander. He only wants to help.” I say. “What are we to do next?” They look to each other.

“We don't know.” Josephine finally says. “We don't have enough support to find a base anywhere else, and no money that would suffice to build one.”

“The people still don't know, they think we have a plan...” Cullen says. “And if we don't come up with one soon they will become desperate. The soldiers' morale is already too low after Haven, I fear the worst if they hear we don't have a place to go next. A  **safe** place.”

“Give me some time, Commander.” I say. “I'll see if I can find something with my spirit friends, or if Solas can find something too.”

“I never thought I would like the idea of someone getting information from spirits.” He runs his hand on his nape and I smile.

“I'm glad I was able to change that, Commander. Hopefully you'll even be friends with them in time.” He seems shocked with my suggestion and I chuckle. “Start with Cole, he's nice.”

“Oh I don't know, Herald. I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of friendship.”

“We'll have time.” I say. “Anything else I should know before I go find Solas?”

“I've been looking at those papers you found in that reality,” Leliana says, “and this is all very disturbing. We cannot focus on this at the moment, but if you have any ideas about what to do about it, we could use your suggestions again.”

“Sure. I'll think about something.”

“And now that we know that the mark isn't something from Andraste, what are we to do?” Josephine asks.

“I say tell them the truth. But I suppose some people won't believe, others won't care and some will shout 'I told you so!' So... do whatever you think it's best.”

“Very well.” The Ambassador says. Nobody else says anything and I dismiss myself.

I see Solas standing a few meters away from the tent, probably not to give the impression he's eavesdropping. I approach and he nods in greeting. I smile.

“Just who I was looking for.” I say.

“Varric said you were looking for me.” He says calmly.

“Yes. There is something I have to talk to you about. Know of anywhere away from curious eyes and ears?” He tilts his head and looks at me with an expression I don't know how to describe.

“Come.” He moves away and I follow.

He takes me to the edge of the camp and lights a veilfire on the air in front of us. The little globe floats beautifully, emanating that curious energy. I feel so good being alone with him, feeling his energy so close to me.

“The advisors don't know what to do,” I say and he has that neutral expression on his face, “or where to go. They fear the people's reaction if they find out we don't have a safe place to go or a plan to face Corypheus.”

“I can help you, but before I say anything else there is something you must know.” He says, serious. “The Orb he carries, it is elvhen.”

“I know.” His eyes go wide. “I told you I would tell you everything after Haven, I will. Meet me in the Fade, there nobody can eavesdrop on us. What I have to tell you is extremely serious and sensitive information.” He frowns. “And don't worry, I won't allow them to turn what happens against the elves. I know they'll try, but whatever I can do to stop it, I'll do.”

“Then, what I must tell you.” His choice of words makes my stomach drop, and I think he notices my discomfort for he frowns again and tilts his head. “Anything wrong?”

“Just... a bad memory.” I take a deep breath. “Don't mind me, please continue.”

“There is a place north of here where the Inquisition can make its home. It's an ancient fortress.”

“Skyhold.” I say and his eyes go wide and he seems to step back. “I need you to guide me there, Solas. I can't trust my feet in this kind of terrain. You would probably suggest that I take them there, but to do so I need you beside me.”

“How..?” I think I've never seen him so surprised. I hope he doesn't feel threatened.

“Meet me in the Fade tonight. I'll tell you everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. You're free to ask me whatever you want tonight and I'll answer. The things that come next are complicated and I'll need you to trust me so I can help you. So  **we** can help others.”

“I must say this intrigues and worries me.”

“Hopefully you won't be worried after tonight.” I give him a smile. My heart is hammering inside my chest, anxious about what I'm going to do. I'm definitely trusting him with my life after this. Not that he could kill me, but still. “I really hope you can trust me, Solas. It would mean much to me.”

“I trust you more than I do most people, if that helps.” I smile.

“Coming from you? It does.” God... I want to hug him... “I'm not really sleepy but... I think I can go to the Fade, my body is not as screwed up as before.”

“As much as I am eager to know your story, I suggest you let me take a look at your injuries before you go to bed.”

“Oh, right. Let's go then.”

We go back to my tent and I close the flap. I try to take off my armor but my shoulder is still sore and the movements cause my back to hurt. He helps me out of it then, also helps me out of the shirt. I'm starting to lose count of how many times I've been half naked in front of him. Not that he sees more than my back but still. I wonder what goes through his mind in this kind of situation. Am I still a guinea pig for him? He treats me as a friend so... he sees me as a person? I wonder if he feels anything for me. Now that the Breach is closed what does he need me for? I know there are plenty of rifts but they aren't really a threat as the Breach was.

We are going after Corypheus so he probably wants to stick around for the Orb. Being part of the organization that is after the same enemy is a good strategy. Does that mean his worries for me now are simply because I'm an important figure and his friend so I would protect him in the Inquisition? Hopefully that changes after I tell him the truth and he can start counting on me. Can he ever fully trust me? I think he would be afraid of being betrayed.

“You are worried.” He says while cleaning the wounds.

“Just... thinking about what's going to happen.”

“About Corypheus?”

“That too.” I take a deep breath. “You know, Love says I shouldn't be afraid of showing my feelings to others, that they wouldn't treat me bad for it. But I can't help it. After so many bad things that happened to me, after being told that people are bad by my mother and that I shouldn't trust them...” I sigh. “I'm afraid.”

“Do you not want to reveal your secrets to me?”

“I do. I want this wall between us to be gone. I want to be able to be true and completely honest with you at all times. But... I'm afraid... of your reaction.”

“Do you think I would harm you?”

“Honestly I don't know. But I doubt you would. If I had to bet I'd say you wouldn't. Because I trust you and I can't imagine you ever hurting me.” Physically, that is. “I may be a fool for thinking this way, but that's how it is. What I fear is that you wouldn't trust me, and would be cold with me.” I take a deep breath. “I really appreciate having you around, Solas. You're a really important person to me. You're my dearest friend.”

_ “Thank you, Enasa _ . I did not know you thought of me this way.”

“Haven't you been listening to Varric all this time?”

“Varric likes teasing. He can hardly be trusted with certain things he says.”

“So it never occurred to you he might be telling the truth?”

“Was he?”

“Can't you just answer this one for a change? You have this habit of deflecting questions... it's terrible for a curious person like me.”

“You have shown signs that led me to believe he was, but if you say I am your friend with such confidence how can I think otherwise?”

“I would usually be unable to say this, Love would be so proud of me.” I laugh. “Can't a person be friends with someone they consider special? Must it be mutually exclusive?”

“Usually people would say yes.”

“Well, I believe that whatever develops between people, if there isn't friendship there too it's bound to fail. To me friendship is the base of any relationship.”

“That is an interesting thought. Am I to believe you do not think of me as only friend?”

“Heh... well...” I take a deep breath, “can I answer in the Fade? It's so much easier to speak there.”

“Of course.” He starts bandaging me. “It was not my intention to pressure you.”

“You're not. I'm just... not used to expressing myself. I mean... I could write a book explaining it all to you, but saying the words... it's really hard.”

“You can feel the spirit's presence, and you said you feel mine too.” That was a quick change of topics...

“I do.”

“And you say you can feel the spirit's intent. Do you feel mine?”

“No. I only know when you're around and... heh... nevermind.”

“Hm? What is it?”

“I... er... god... I'll tell you in the Fade.”

“The amount of things you will have to tell me just keeps increasing.”

“Yes, I know. But I'll tell them all.”

“Your god really does not have a name?”

“If it has I wasn't told.”

“And it does not bother you.”

“Not at all. I know it's out there somewhere doing whatever it is it does, probably creating more species in the universe. Or deciding whatever it is that happens when we finally reach the last stage of our evolution. I wonder if it already has everything planned. I know I'm far away from there but still... I wish I could know what the next stage requires... god... I wish I knew why I was even created. Why create life?”

“You speak of evolution, what do you mean?”

“We're not safe from eavesdropping, Solas. This is sensitive information.” I chuckle and he finishes bandaging me.

“Very well. Where are your clothes?”

“Probably still in the bag. Let me see.” I walk towards the bag and open the part with the clothes, I pick up a shirt and try to put it on, but it hurts. He comes up to me and helps me with it. “Any chance you can use that spell so I can be clean?”

“Are you sure?”

“Well...” My hormones are pretty active still but it's better... my focus is better... I think I can try it... “I feel disgusting. I'm willing to try.”

_ “Very well. _ Close your eyes and try to keep your mind occupied.” I close my eyes and try to think about my beach, the first thing that came to my mind, I guess it's because of the meeting later.

A feel seconds later I feel his magic on my skin. Just like the other day he starts on my forehead, then moves to my scalp, then to my ears and cheeks. It caresses everywhere and it feels so good. It touches around my eyes and down to my lips and chin. Once again I'm forced to lick my lips because of the tingling. Then he moves the energy down to my neck and  **god** I can't help the shiver running through my whole body. I think every hair just raised on my skin. There is no way I can think about anything when he does this. This is so tantalizing. It continues for longer than I thought it would, almost as if he is enjoying torturing me. I'm pretty sure he knows the effect it's causing on me, there is no way he wouldn't know. I try to hold back a moan and he finally moves downwards.

Damn this magic, it's so good and so awful at the same time. I feel like I'm going to burst by the time he reaches my breasts. Then it’s pure and simple torture. I can't hold back the moan then. And I take my hand to my mouth, extremely embarrassed. I don't open my eyes, no way I'm going to look at his expression at this shameful display. The energy moves around my wounds and I don't know how he can control it to this extent. It goes down to my belly and from my shoulders to my hands.

When I feel it going down to my hips I get worried. If I couldn't hold back a moan from my breasts which aren't even that much sensitive... I'm going to die when he goes lower. I shiver again when the energy passes down my navel and I prepare myself for the worst. It caresses my butt and when I feel it down to my girly bits, as aroused as I already was, shit, you know, don't you? I gasp, and then after taking my hand to my mouth again I still can't hold in another moan. Right now I don't know if I regret or not to have asked him to do this. He probably thinks I'm a disgusting animal. I'm so damn embarrassed.

His way down my thighs is easier but not so much, but at least I can hold in any more embarrassing sounds that still try to come out. I'm mortified when he finishes, I want to disappear. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing beyond what would be considered normal. And I already blush easily. The whole thing didn't last more than a couple of minutes, but still, it was so damn  **intense** .

“Done.” He says with a calm voice, as if nothing happened. I can't help taking both my hands to my face as if it would be enough to hide me.

“Er... sorry for... you know. I... er...”

“Do not worry. I warned you it could happen considering you are so sensitive.”

“Yes, but... still. It's embarrassing. You don't... er... feel disgusted, do you?”

“Disgusted?”

“Yeah... by... my... reactions.”

“Not at all. I will leave so you can stop hiding behind your hands.” He sounds amused. How the hell can he be amused? Unless he isn't disgusted and thinks of me as some... idiot to be laughed at... I don't know which is worse... I decide to look at him. He has a really gentle expression and that breaks me. I don't know what kind of expression I have, but his changes, he looks at me as if looking inside me, but not like the times where he was simply analyzing me. I don't know what this is, but he seems to care, somehow.

“Something wrong?” I end up asking and his expression goes back to neutral.

“No. Do you still wish to talk in the Fade tonight?”

“Yes. There is too much I need to tell you.”

“Then I suggest you go to bed. I will join you soon.”

_ “Good night, Solas. Sorry  _ about the shameful display.”

“Do not apologize.  _ Good night, Enasa.” _

He leaves and I go to bed. I don't know what I feel about what happened. He doesn't seem affected by it at least. I close my eyes, and even though I feel rested, I go to the Fade.


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech

I protect the beach as always, the wisps seem happy and the energy of those going through changes seem to be stronger. I walk to the water and wet my feet. Taking a really deep breath I fill my lungs with the nice sea air. Then I walk back to the couch and sit down, waiting for Solas.

It doesn't take much longer for him to appear. He walks towards me but doesn't sit. I motion with my hand for him to sit down and he does. I take a really deep breath and run my hands through my hair, tucking the strands behind my ears.

“There is just so much that I have to say that I don't know where to start.”

“In these situations it is best to start from the beginning.” He says, his attention seems to be fully on me. It makes me even more nervous. I sigh.

“Alright. So... I never lied when I said things, but they weren't the whole truth either. I'm not from this world, Solas.” He tilts his head but says nothing. “I am from another world. I don't know how it's possible neither how far away from this one it is, but the world I came from is called Earth, and we don't have magic as you have here.”

“I thought your use of 'before' and 'here' were unusual, now I understand why.”

“So you believe I'm telling you the truth?”

“I know you are.” I frown and tilt my head. “Your aura tells me much more than you think.” My eyes go wide. That explains so much now...

“Well, that makes things easier then. So... back then, as we didn't have magic, we had medication, something similar to alchemy but still different. And even then, most wouldn't work on me. Medication for pain wouldn't work really well, and whenever I got hurt I had to endure it. That's why I'm so used to it. The doctors, similar to healers that don't use magic, they never found what was wrong with me. I went through many exams and tests, they usually didn't show much the doctors could work with. There was something in my blood that would show my body was constantly sick, but they never found the reason, aside from the anaemia.”

“Your blood? You said you did not have magic so it cannot be blood magic or spirit magic.”

“No, they would draw some blood from me and run tests with some equipment. Usually the results would show that I had too few red cells, which is the anaemia, but sometimes it would show too many white cells, but they never found out why. It was never high enough to become a disease in itself, but it showed something was wrong, they just never found out what.”

“It seems you were a rare case even in your own world.” I laugh.

“Yes... my mother used to say that. And I was always weak too, getting sick easily and I could sprain my ankle just by walking barefoot. My joints could get out of place easily. And touching me would hurt if there was too much pressure. My mother was afraid of hugging me because she would often hurt me when she did. She was a very strong woman, you see, much like Lana.”

“I can see how that would be an issue. I noticed how you would wince whenever Cassandra held you.”

“Heh... her grip is strong. I'm too... delicate.” I chuckle.

“It seems all your senses are heightened. That makes you sensitive to everything, sadly even to pain.”

“Yeah... that's true. And I also  **feel** too much. And because I couldn't deal with the things that happened in my life, because my mother didn't prepare me to really live, my emotions started overwhelming me. I went through some treatment with this kind of doctor that should help with that and he gave me medication. It worked for a while, but then it stopped. I wasn't really surprised, because medication was never really effective. And before my mother could get me back to the doctor I finally decided to kill myself. I had thought about doing it twice before, I got really close to it, the first time I stopped because I thought how awful my mother would feel if she found me dead. The second time I stopped because I could think about all the things that I still wanted to do. The third time I already couldn't care about anything anymore. My life didn't make sense, I had no purpose. I was merely surviving, not living. I would wake up, play if I was in the mood for it, otherwise I would stay in bed, eat if my mother bothered me enough, and sleep again. Sometimes I wouldn't even care enough to bathe. And I hate feeling disgusting, so you see. I was a shadow and being alive felt like torture. And I couldn't continue like that. I don't remember how I did it. I remember being alive and miserable and then the next moment I was in a really dark place, with so much pressure in the air that I thought I was deaf.”

“You have told us your life was bad before, but I could never imagine that was how you felt about it.”

“There are many things that made me feel bad about that life. But they don't matter now. I can tell you some other time. What matters is that in that world there are stories. And in one of those stories I saw this world.” He frowns.

“How?”

“You know that I believe in a shapeless and nameless god, right? So, there were many religions in my old world. And often they would fight each other, because each one believed in a different god. And they couldn't allow other people following different gods.”

“It seems this is an issue that crosses worlds.”

“Unfortunately. Some of those religions were more... respectful... than others. For example, some could believe that a rock was their god, and anything else was wrong. And another one, a respectful religion, would believe in many gods and still respect other religions, allowing the others to believe in whatever they wanted. My family was the latter. And in such religion we could talk to spirits, but they were not such as the spirits that we have here. Spirits over there are a little more complex. I would have to go through too many things, so that's best left for another moment.” He nods. “What matters is that through those spirits I learned many things, and there were books written by people who could channel those spirits, telling us what the spirit wanted us to know.”

“That is amazing. So that is why you can be friends with spirits so easily.”

“Among other reasons, yes. And it's amazing but many people think that that religion is wrong, that it's evil. Much like the Chantry would say that spirits are demons and if you talk to them you're an abomination.” I can see this makes him sad. “What matters is that through the spirits and those books I learned that there is a much bigger system going on in the universe. We all are alive for a purpose, which is being the best form of ourselves that we can be, and evolve to the next level. And each being has their own process to go through. It can get really complex, but the thing is that whenever a being reaches the next level they are taken to some other place, to live their next stage there. So there are many planets in the universe, each being used for something. Or were used for something at some point and now are just dead masses floating in the great universe.”

“I have many questions about this concept.” I chuckle.

“Yeah, I bet you do. So... in learning these things I also learned that our spirit continues after our body dies, only to be born again with our memories erased so past experiences don't interfere with the new life. But sometimes some remnants stay in the subconscious, or we are inspired by spirits or even in dreams when we visit spirits.”

“You can also visit spirits in dreams there?”

“Not like a mage can do here, no. Some people have more sensibility to the spiritual side, and when they sleep their souls leave the body temporarily to explore the spiritual side, sometimes helping people, sometimes visiting old friends, sometimes just doing whatever. And when they wake up most people don't remember, some remember some parts but think it's just a common dream, and even rarer cases remember all of it.”

“Most intriguing. I thought you would answer all of my questions but I find myself having many more.”

“Heh... the other you in Redcliffe said the same thing.” He raises an eyebrow.

“You told me there?”

“Yes. I couldn't let you... die... with so many questions. And I needed you to know I cared about you. That you wouldn't die alone.” His eyes go wide.

_ “Thank you _ .” Now  **I** raise my eyebrows.

“What for?”

“For letting the other me die with some comfort.” My heart tightens and I want to hug him.

“I...” I take a deep breath. “Solas... I...” He holds my right hand, the one closest to him and I can't help looking from the hand to his face. He looks so... gentle.

“Shh. Do not worry. Tell me more of what you have to say.”

“I... of course. Where was I? Oh... right. Sometimes the memories or those inspirations lead people to create stories about worlds or situations that really exist or will come to exist. Because time is different in the spiritual side. It's easy to glimpse into the future there. And one person wrote about this world.” He seems so focused.

“And what did they tell about it?”

“I don't know much, I haven't read everything they released about it, but I have played the games and read some information on the side.”

“Played games? What do you mean?”

“They have this machine that can be used to create interactive stories, and then we play as some character and explore the world and make decisions. If I ever learn how to show you my memories here in the Fade I'll show you.

“I will make sure to teach you.” He smiles and I laugh. “And what did you play?”

“In the first one I played as the Hero of Ferelden, I could choose to be an elf, dwarf or human. I  **always** choose elf whenever the game allows, because I love elves. In every story. And there was also the option to be mage, rogue or warrior. My first choice is always mage. And what was my surprise to see that in Thedas elves are treated as the lowest of people and mages are locked up in Circles.”

“In the other stories of your world they are not?”

“No. Usually elves are revered and respected, the icon of supremacy and wisdom. And mages are always feared, because the power they control are great, but in many stories they are also the source of wisdom and people go to them whenever they need help. Of course there are the evil ones, but one evil mage never caused the others to be targeted as threat.”

“Hm. It seems the situation of Thedas now is indeed very opposite to what you were used to see. How did the elves in your world react to it?”

“There are only humans in that world.” His eyes go wide. “There aren't dwarves, elves, qunari, dragons, only simple animals and humans.”

“That... your world is so different.”

“Very. And as the Hero of Ferelden I found people to help me and I helped all the people I had treaties to use with and killed the Archdemon, ending the fifth Blight.”

“It seems your story tells a great deal of what happened.” He frowns.

“Only things related to the Hero of Ferelden. People they met and what kind of decision they had to make during that time. The second game told about Hawke.” He raises both eyebrows. “I could play as Hawke and choose if they were male or female, but always a human and that made many people mad, they liked the freedom to choose races and background in the first game, but then got stuck with a single character with a very limited background.”

“And you had no idea you were playing with events that happened in another world?”

“None. We have no way of knowing such thing.” He hums and I continue. “I chose to be female, because I rarely play as a man, I usually make decisions that I would do myself so... no point playing as a man. And once again, mage. Hawke was an apostate, and she was fleeing with her family from the Blight, they were saved by Flemeth and they got to Kirkwall, where she met Varric.” He raises his eyebrows. “Yes. Varric was in the game. Not as charming as he is here, though.” He chuckles and I smile. “Then she romanced Fenris.” He raises his eyebrow again and I shrug. “I always go for the elves, can't help it. My Hero of Ferelden also went for Zevran.”

“How does this... romance works?”

“Well... you make some decisions that make that character like you, flirt with them in conversations and eventually they will like you back and you get a nice cutscene showing some kissing, sometimes more. The developers didn't show much in that game though.”

“You can talk to the other characters?” He tilts his head.

“Somewhat. The way the game is built you have choices in dialogue, and depending on what you choose the other character will say something. It's sort of like a book where you make a decision and to know what that decision will cause you go to another page to see the result. Only it's in a dialogue.”

“I see. What is a cutscene?”

“Hmm... you don't have movies here. How do I explain this... it's completely different, but just as an example, it's as if a memory was shown so you get to see the event animated instead of reading about it.”

“Hm. Such complex game. I would like to see it.”

“Teach me how to show you and I will.” I smile.

“Soon.” He smirks and I laugh.

“Continuing the story, after Hawke meets every companion and helps them with their problems she defeats the Arishok because she wouldn't give Isabella to him, and then Anders explodes the Chantry and the Rebellion begins.”

“Your game seems to be quite close to the truth.”

“That surprised me too when I came here. And things I'll tell you now will shock you further, and I really hope you don't feel bad towards me.” He frowns.

“Why would I?”

“Because the third game tells about the Inquisition.” His eyes go wide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger =x


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Thank you everyone for the comments and kudos! <3  
> This chapter is a bit longer, hope you like it!
> 
> Names come from Project Elvhen by FenxShiral

“About the Inquisition?” He asks, still frowning.

“Yes. In that game I played as the Herald.” He raises his eyebrows. “Ironic, right?” I laugh. “And I could choose to be an elf, a dwarf, human or qunari.” He seems focused. “I chose elf, and mage, again. That gave me a Dalish First to play with.”

“When you played as elf before you were not Dalish?”

“Only in one of the backgrounds, if I chose to be mage I would be in a Circle, and if I chose warrior or rogue I could be either a city elf or a Dalish.” He hums and I continue. “The Herald survives the explosion with a mark on her hand and has to close the first created rift for the mark to stop trying to kill her.”

“That is very much alike what you had to do. Does this mean you know the future? How could your people know the future of this world?”

“My guess is that I was sent to the past, to help make this reality better than whatever happens in that one.”

“How much into the future do you know?”

“Up until two years after Corypheus is defeated. But only things directly related to what the Herald knows. And even then they are just the overall events. And I have no way of knowing what is made up and what is real.”

“Is that why you said you were not sure about your information on Wisdom?”

“Exactly.”

“Does that mean...”

“You are in the game. Yes.” He seems shocked. “Please listen to me. In the game you help the Herald with the mark and advises everyone on matters of the Fade and spirits. You become a trusted ally.”

“I don’t know how I feel about this.” He stands up but doesn't walk away. “You already knew about me before we even met?”

“I knew about a character, Solas. You are much more than what they could portray in that game.” He hums and looks towards the sea. “Please, I didn't betray you. But I also couldn't come to you and tell you all of this before you could know me. You would think me mad, or worse, a threat.”

“A... threat?” He looks at me, frowning.

“Please, sit down and listen to me.” My chest begins tightening. “Just... listen.” His expression softens a bit but I see he is still worried, or doubtful.  _ “Please...” _

“Tell me about this character that is supposed to be me.”

“He is wise and charming, very intelligent and... well... I couldn't resist him either so my Herald started flirting with him.” I look to the floor.

“You could have a relationship with me there?”

“Only if the Herald was a female elf. You wouldn't accept any other.” He hums. “The romance was beautiful and intense...” I take a deep breath, my chest tightening again, “until...” I sigh, “you break up with her.”

“You seem affected by this.”

“Heh... well... let's just say that I immersed myself too much in this story. It was so well written and he was such a great person... and... well... it hurt when I saw the cutscene. I felt like he was dumping me, not just the character.”

“Why did he do it? End the relationship?”

“Because he couldn't trust her enough to tell her everything.”

“Tell her... everything?”

“Yes. About the Orb, about the Veil,” I look at him then, he seems to be analyzing me, “about his other name. Fen'Harel.” His eyes go wide.

“You... know this?”

“Yes. You built the Veil to trap the Evanuris because they killed Mythal, you did not know it would strip the elvhen of what made them what they were, turning them into shadows of themselves, and when you woke up from Uthenera you were shocked by what you found and wanted so desperately to undo it that you gave the Orb to Corypheus, thinking he would die when unlocking it, but he survived and made everything worse.” He is definitely shocked.

“And... how... you trust me... how can you?”

“Because I understand you. I understand your reasons and I see much more than your mistakes. And after knowing the  **real** you, how can I not?” I give him a smile. “Solas... I want to help you rebuild the world, set the Fade free again.” He frowns.

“Do you understand what you say?”

“I know the world would change completely, but from that memory you showed me I know it's worth it. I want to help you. I don't care about your mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, we only have to learn with them so we don't make them again and make things better. Because of that game I have knowledge about some things that can be very helpful for you. For the world.”

“You said you wanted to remove the wall between us, I did not anticipate this to be the wall. You know so much and still... When you came to me in Haven asking for my help, you said it was because of who I was, that I would understand the need for secrecy, now I understand what you meant. However, how could you trust a stranger based only on information you had from a story that you were not even sure was reliable?”

“I took a risk. And...” I look to the floor, “I feel  **really** good when I'm near you.” I chuckle nervously. “I don't think that would happen if you were a threat to me.”

“You feel... good? What do you mean?”

“I don't know how to explain it, Solas. And to be honest... it's a bit embarrassing. I...” I sigh.

“It is fine, I do not want to make you uncomfortable. When you asked me questions you already knew my answers?”

“Not at all. Sometimes you would say things that reminded me of things said in the game but still, you are a real person, they could never get you whole in there.” He hums.

“You knew about Haven being attacked, so you had the tunnels searched.”

“Yes. I didn't know how I could help minimize our losses, I didn't know the extent of what was true in the game. I don't even know about the Hero of Ferelden here. Leliana told me it's a she but I don't feel safe enough to talk to her.”

“You fear the Spymaster?”

“Heh... hell yea I do.” I laugh. “That woman is too used to killing easily. I don't think she would kill me yet because she needs the mark, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't torture me. And I can't lie or hide information efficiently. She would see through me quickly if I tried to have a lengthy conversation with her.”

“But you still talk often with me.”

“Told you, I trust you. I know what you are capable of, I know some bad things you have done, but I know you have a good heart, and that whatever you do you do it so it can bring good. You don't like to see suffering, and you would despise yourself for bringing suffering onto others.” His eyes seem... shiny somehow.

_ “Thank you _ .”

“Don't thank me for the truth.” I smile. “But yes, I knew about Corypheus attacking Haven and I know about the red templars and what he intends to do next, I knew even before we went to Redcliffe. I knew what kind of thing we would see in that reality but it still hurt me so much when I saw it with my own eyes...” I sigh.

“You came out of the portal in shock. What happened there?”

“You know what happened. Dorian told you.”

“He did not tell any particulars, and as awful as that reality was, that could not have caused such distress and pain in you.” I sigh.

“Solas... I...” I look to my feet. “You know I feel your energy, and it makes me feel really good somehow, I don't know how to explain it, but it's like... like...” I sigh, “like it complements me. God this is weird.” Think about Love's lessons... focus... express your feelings... I take a deep breath. “When I feel you around me it feels like a part of me is back inside me. Damn.” I run my fingers through my hair. “And... well... whenever I spend some time away from you, when I get close to you again it feels like... I'm thirsty and drinking too fast... if that makes any sense. So when I went to the future, I couldn't feel you for a long time, and when I did... I broke down... you were sick with red lyrium, your energy was sick, I felt the suffering in your energy and it made me suffer more. I suffered because I was seeing you so sick, and I was being flooded by the energy that I missed so much, but the energy was sad. And to make matters worse... when you died... it was ripped out from me. I felt like I had lost a limb. And then... when I came back from the portal I was flooded by your energy again, and you were healthy and safe, and it made me so happy but I was still suffering from what happened. I wanted to make sure you were well and I wanted so badly to be near you that I couldn't help hugging you. So... now you know.”

“I... had no idea that was how you felt around me.” I chuckle nervously, still looking at my feet.

“Solas... I...” I take a deep breath. “I doubt this is the full extent of the reason but...” I look at him, and he has such a gentle expression... is it understanding? I don't really know... but it gives me confidence to finish my sentence. “ _ I love you, my heart.” _ His eyes go wide.

“You... I... I did not teach you those words.” I chuckle.

“That is one of the few sentences I learned in the game.”

“Do you know their meaning?”

“I do, and I mean them.” He is shocked. “I told you before that you were very special to me, you are. There is no one in this world that I care for more than you. I would do anything to see you smile, Solas. I think you deserve happiness, and I want to help you achieve it.”

“How...”

“I...” I look to my feet again. “I loved you even before I knew you were real. I fell in love with that character in the game. He was everything I always looked for in a person. Of course I would have liked him better if he had long hair,” I chuckle, “but after talking so much to him, taking him with me in every mission, the more I got to know him the more I loved him. Too bad he was only a character, but I doubt he would love me, anyway. I'm different from Lavellan, that's the surname of the elven Herald. She is strong, good-hearted, hardworking, brave, and she isn't afraid of fighting for what she believes is right. She isn't afraid of stealing a kiss from him when they meet in the Fade for the first time. He gives her such a nice kiss in return.” I laugh. “Oh well... And I'm a human. Anyway... I thought I was crazy for a time, being in love with a fictional character. But it gave me comfort somehow, I had someone to love, even if he wasn't real. Then I died. And that person told me this world existed and that I could have my second chance here. I was really happy, I could finally meet the people I thought were only characters. I could meet  **you** . But then that person told me I would be myself, just the way I was. I couldn't be a mage, so it really surprised me when you told me I was one. And I couldn't be an elf either. So I had to embrace the idea that even though I would meet you, I would never be more than your friend. So I've been working towards that. I really hope you can come to trust me and be my friend, Solas. And that you let me help you in your goal, because that is also my goal. If you allow me, I will be with you until my last day here.”

“I already trust you, Enasa. How can I not after all this?” I smile and look at his face, he looks at me with such care, it's weird to see that expression on him when it's me he is looking at.

_ “Thank you,” _ he chuckles.

“Do not thank me for this. You earned it.”

“It makes me really happy to know I haven't pushed you away, that you'll trust me to help you. And that you'll keep teaching me, of course.” I laugh and I look at him to see he is shaking his head with a smile.

“There is one thing I do not understand. Do your people in that world speak common?”

“Oh yea... that. Well, it seems we speak the same language, but the way it's written is completely different. Our letters are different symbols from yours.” He hums. “Come, I'll show you.”

I walk to the studio and get a sheet of paper and a pencil. I write my name in english and in common below it, so he can compare the words.

“Interesting. This could be used as a code.” I look at him, surprised. It hasn't even crossed my mind.

“That is true! Want me to teach it to you?”

“If you do not mind, yes. It would be very useful.” He has a bright expression, and his closeness to me makes me hot, specially because of everything I told him. I think I blush and I take my eyes back to the paper, where I write the alphabet and write his name. “Hm. Somehow looking at my name in common does not feel so offensive anymore.” I laugh.

“Glad you like it.”

“Let me know when you will have time here in the Fade, so I can teach you how to show your memories and you can teach me how to write in that script.”

“We don't have much more time tonight, right?” I say, sad. It's so good to be here with him.

“We are already sleeping past sunrise, Enasa.” He chuckles. “We should wake up soon to let the others know how to get to Skyhold.”

“Yea... there's that. Well... as long as you go with me to show me the way.” I smile and he smiles too.

_ “Of course. I will see you soon.” _

“Wait.” He tilts his head. “There is a song that I wish to sing for you. Now that the wall is down you can understand why the words mean so much to me.”

“Sure. It will be a pleasure to listen to more songs from your world.”

“Let's go outside.” We get back to the veranda but I don't sit down. I take a deep breath and concentrate on the song, trying to get the instruments to play in the background, but I sing it for him, trying to get my feelings through with the lyrics. “There's a story in your eyes... I can feel the hurt behind your smile... for every sign I recognize, another one escapes me. Let me know what plagues your mind... let me be the one to know you best... be the one to hold you up... when you feel like you're sinking. Tell me once again... what's beneath the pain you're feeling... don't abandon me... or think you can't be saved”.

“I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far. Through all that may come... and all that may go... I walk beside you... I walk beside you”.

“Summon up your ghosts for me... rest your tired thoughts upon my hands... step inside this sacred place... when all your dreams seem broken. Resonate inside this temple... let me be the one who understands... be the one to carry you... when you can walk no further. Tell me once again... what's below the surface bleeding... if you've lost your way... I will take you in”.

“I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far. Through all that may come... and all that may go... I walk beside you... I walk beside you”. I close my eyes to sing the next part.

“Oh, when everything is wrong... oh, when hopelessness surrounds you... oh, the sun will rise again... the tide you swim against will carry you back home so don't give up... don't give in”. I open my eyes and look at him.

“I walk beside you... wherever you are... whatever it takes... no matter how far. Through all that may come... and all that may go... I walk beside you... I walk beside you”.

I smile when I finish and he seems touched somehow. I hope I could show him how much I wish for him to count on me, that I wish to help him.

“I could have never expected so much trust and care from you. This night surprised me in many ways. This song is very beautiful. Do you really mean the words?” I nod. “I thank you, and can only hope not to fail your trust. The path I walk is not a beautiful one, Enasa.”

“I know, but it doesn't have to be as awful as you expect. We'll make it work.” I smile. “Let's go see the council.”

“I will enjoy see you prove me wrong.” His words shock me for a second. “ _ See you soon.” _

_ “See you.” _ He disappears and I take a deep breath, not believing everything that happened.

 

I wake up and after getting ready to go outside, making sure to wear a coat, I go wait for Solas next to the advisor's tent. It doesn't take long for him to approach. After greetings I ask him to tell them about the place as he would think best, and we go inside.

The advisors were arguing again but stop when they see us. Solas tells them about Skyhold and the direction we should head to get there. With something else to do besides arguing they get to work, organizing the people to move out. I thank Solas for the help and go tell the other companions about our plan. On the way there I spot Mother Giselle talking to many people, I guess she's trying to comfort them.

The companions seem excited to finally have a place to go and get out of the frosty wind. I go into the tent to pack my stuff and then I wait outside while everyone packs. I notice the harts then.

The past days were so messy I haven't even thought about them, and I feel bad. I go talk to them. I apologize for not coming to see them sooner, saying that I was busy and there were too many things to do. They don't seem as mad afterwards. I feel Solas nearby and turn to look, he has a curious expression.

“I saw the harts in Haven when you arrived that day, I was wondering where you got them.” He says, approaching.

“We saved a Dalish caravan from Tevinter mercenaries, this beauty somehow liked me enough that the Keeper thought it would be too bad to separate it from me, so she gave him to me, and his friend wouldn't let him go far so... he came along too.”

“That is much more than I would have expected from the Dalish.” I laugh and he tilts his head.

“Yeah, I bet. You haven't told me yet... how bad were your encounters with the Dalish? I was led to believe they treated you terribly and wouldn't believe your words.”

“They told about that as well?” I nod while petting the white hart. “Every Dalish clan I met were too lost in their own ways to entertain the possibility they were wrong. They would not listen to a 'flat ear'. At some point I gave up on them.”

“They are stubborn and proud, that's true. But that was born out of defense. They didn't know where to get their information, much of the past had been destroyed by time or by the humans. They were afraid of losing whatever sign from their history they had so they stuck to it, ignoring anything that would show them they were wrong because it could mean they  **had** lost everything.”

“But if they had only listened!”

“You would have to get their trust first.” I smile. “That can be hard. They distrust anything that isn't Dalish.” He sighs.

“I assume you have a plan on that?”

“We need source of knowledge first, knowledge we can present to them. Words alone won't convince them. They need proof. And even then most would be too afraid or too proud to acknowledge they were wrong. My worry at the moment aren't the Dalish. They suffer, but they are far better than the ones in the cities.”

“True.” He frowns and I can see he is annoyed.

“Sera has access to the servants and other 'little people' as she calls them. She still doesn't know how  **really** useful she could be with those connections. I got Leliana to try and get into her head to make her see that she can have better uses for them. My hope is that we can unite them, having spies inside every place, coordinate them, and eventually save them all.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Ever since I realized I was in the past of the story I knew. If I was sent to the past there is a reason, and I prefer to believe that this reason is so I can make it better. What I know of the future isn't beautiful.”

“Even by defeating Corypheus things still do not turn out well?”

“Many people could have died in Haven, we could prevent that. There are servants who will die in Halamshiral, I aim to prevent that. Briala's network of spies will do too much harm if she can't collaborate with you, so I aim to change her mind. The Grey Wardens are doing terrible things, I'm still not sure how to minimize their losses. Many people will die because of the war in Orlais and the red templars. I hope to help changing that too. And... there is something I must tell you, in the Fade.” I see people getting closer. “What do you think about the caramel boy? Do you want to keep him?” He raises his eyebrows.

“You are giving him to me?”

“If you want him, and if he likes you.” I smirk.

“Well, he is a beautiful creature. Let us see what he thinks about me.” He approaches the hart and the animal sniffs him and looks him in the face, as if measuring his worth. I chuckle. Then the hart pushes his nose against his chest, asking to be petted. “I believe he does not mind me.” He smiles.

“Then he is yours.” I smile and rub the forehead of the white one. “They'll need names. I still don't know what to call them.”

“What do you think about Reast? It means spotless, or pure.”

“Reast. What do you think boy?” I ask the hart and it seems to like it, I chuckle. “Reast it is then. What about yours?”

_ “How do you feel about Guardian, my friend?” _ He asks and I got no idea what he is saying. The hart, though, seems to like it. Solas smiles then and rubs the animal's neck “He likes Amelan. It means Guardian. I noticed how it protects his friend.”

“That he does. Nice names you guys got!” I say to the harts. “And we'll have to move soon. Don't stray too far uh?” I turn to Solas then, who has a small smile on his face. “They  **do** understand right?”

“They do, yes. They are very intelligent creatures.”

“Solas...” he hums while petting Amelan, “you know how to ride bareback, right?”

“Yes, why?”

“Can you teach me?” He looks at me then, one eyebrow raised. “The Keeper said they aren't used to saddle and I'd rather learn how to ride bareback than to put them through the stress of being tied to a saddle.”

“It is not easy, I saw how difficult it was for you to ride with a saddle, I imagine this will be harder.” He says, serious.

“No problem, I'll learn. They don't scare me as the horse did.” I rub the hart's neck. “He is too lovely, I'll endure the training.”

“Very well. After we are settled in Skyhold then.”

_ “Thank you!”  _ I give him a smile. “I didn't want to train with a stranger.” He tilts his head. “That Dalish clan sent recruits to us, the Keeper said one of them could train me to ride bareback, well, I prefer you.”

“I see. He would probably not teach you properly in any case.” I laugh.

“It's so much better to have you being open with me.” I smile.

“And you are more free with your words as well.”

“Well... you already know my biggest secrets. There is no point is holding back anything now.”

And then I hear a horn, I turn to see what it’s about and there are people gathering. I assume it's time to move out.


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More revelations on the way to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech.
> 
> So, I reformatted the dialogue, hope it's better for everyone now :)  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments! <3

After it's decided about the order in which people are to follow, I lead the people beside Solas. The soldiers and the carts with supplies would be the last in the huge train of people. The terrain is awfully hard to travel, the wind is cold and there is no sign of the castle in the distance. I wonder if we would have to stop by to camp and continue tomorrow.

Because of the constant attention of people on us we don't talk more than is necessary, which means we only exchange words about directions. We eat on the move and when it becomes obvious that we won't make it in one day we make camp. Solas says we can get there tomorrow.

Every campfire is surrounded by people, that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't like crowds, but I don't know where to go. When I was about to go inside the tent I see Cassandra alone some meters away. I decide to go talk to her.

“How are you holding up?” I ask as I approach. She seems somewhat surprised to see me.

“Haven was... shocking. I am glad we followed your warnings.”

“Yes, we could have lost many more people. But how about you? You saw Corypheus, and you know the mark is not holy. I hope you haven't lost your faith.”

“You don't even believe in Andraste, why does my faith matter?” I'm surprised by her words.

“Cassandra, I don't doubt Andraste existed. And until I know of her circumstances I won't agree that she is holy. But still, only because the mark isn't holy doesn't mean it isn't serving a holy purpose. We'll fix the world.”

“I... I am sorry. You are right. There is just so much wrong, so much injustice, so much suffering. I was hoping that the Maker would have shown his love for us, and that the mark was it.”

“You know what I believe?” She tilts her head, focused. “I believe that we were created by a god that trusts us enough to do what is right, and that it doesn't need to show obvious signs that it cares for us. Whenever a person is brave and starts working to better the world, that is the work of god. Because god wants progress, wants things to be better. And if we go through hardships it's only so we can get stronger. A person doesn't become stronger unless they are pushed to their limits, you are a soldier, you know how this works through combat. But this applies to everything.”

“You show wisdom I didn't expect.” I chuckle.

“I guess my friends have been influencing me a lot.” I smile.

“Your spirit friends?” She frowns.

“Yes, they allow me to think clearer, to focus, to see the good side of things, to trust and not to be afraid of speaking and showing my feelings and thoughts.”

“I must say I haven't thought spirits could be capable of such thing. Even when you said you were receiving help from them I never expected that it would go to this extent. You have become much stronger, Grace.” I laugh, doubting her.

“Nah... I'm still the same.”

“No. You are nothing like that girl I took from the dungeon. You are not only stronger with your skills, but with your mind and spirit. You are more confident. If before you lost yourself to despair, now you are able to inspire hope.” I raise my eyebrows.

“Me? Inspiring hope?” I chuckle. “Have you been drinking?” She frowns.

“I'm serious, Grace. I was doubting myself and my beliefs in the Maker. But you showed me with your words that I was wrong. Even if your belief is different, you have put me back on my path.” Holy shit. She's serious isn't she? I can't help my eyes going wide.

“Well... glad I could help?” I smile unsure and she shakes her head.

“You still don't believe in yourself, you don't realize what you do. Maybe your friends need to help you with this as well. You are too stubborn in your belief that you are small and powerless.”

“Well... Love has been trying... I learned a lot, but that is something I still haven't made much progress on.”

“I wish I knew how to help you. So I'll just pray that the Maker, even if you do not believe in Him, help you see yourself for who you really are.”

“Thank you Cassandra, I appreciate it.” I smile and she looks at me as if analyzing me, then she smiles too.

“You are closer to Solas.”

“What... where did that come from?”

“Just changing the subject, to something I have noticed.”

“It's nothing much, just... I told him what I feel so... that wall is down.” She raises her eyebrows and opens her mouth in surprise, I chuckle.

“What did he say? Did he reciprocate?” She sounds so much like a gossip teenager that I can't help laughing.

“He didn't say anything.”

“What? What do you mean ‘didn't say anything?’”

“He didn't say anything. I mean, other than that he didn't expect me to feel that way.”

“He should have said something! That would be the polite thing to do.”

“Well, I know he won't reciprocate, I'm pretty sure he only likes elves. So I'm fine being his friend. He seems to be happy with that too. So it's alright.” I smile but she seems annoyed. I wonder why. She sighs.

“He is a stupid man if he doesn't see the woman you are.” I laugh.

“Thank you, Cassandra. But I think that's beyond seeing. One can't force another to suddenly like another race. For example, I wouldn't be together with a dwarf or a qunari.” She frowns but then closes her eyes and sighs.

“I see what you mean.” She finally says. “But still, I hope that isn't the case. It's getting quite cold, though, I will join the others by the fire. Are you coming?”

“No, it's too crowded. I think I'll sleep early. Good night, Cassandra.”

“Good night, Grace. Sleep well.”

I enter the tent and get some cereal bars so I don't sleep on an empty stomach. I remove my armor with some difficulty and think that maybe I should ask Solas to check on the wounds again. I don't want to bother him, though. Turns out I didn't have to struggle much, I feel his energy outside after a couple minutes arguing inside my head.

“Enasa, can I come in?” He asks. I walk towards the entrance and open the flap for him to enter. “I thought I should check on your back before you went to sleep.”

“I was just wondering if I should go bother you with it or not.”

“You need to care more about your health. You are injured and it is no bother.” He sounds so serious. I sigh.

“Sorry, you're right. But I always feel like you could be doing something better with your time than checking my injuries.”

“Like what? Watching people arguing if Corypheus is a darkspawn? If his dragon is an archdemon? If it's ram or nug in the soup?”

“I didn't realize you were bored. Sorry.” He sighs.

“I apologize. Seeing Corypheus with the Orb was not easy. There is too much to think through and these conditions are not ideal.”

“Whenever you need, you come to me. I'll help if I can.”

_ “Thank you. _ I... It has been a long time since I could trust someone.” I give him a smile and he seems to relax. “Now let me check your back.”

“Yes, yes, of course.” I take off my shirt with some difficulty and turn my back to him.

We stay in silence for some time, then he breaks it when he is applying the poultice. “Does it not bother you to be half naked in my presence?”

“Why would it? I bet you already saw everything while I was unconscious, and it's not like you would be interested in me anyway.”

“You seem to be certain of that. Is it because of what you saw in that story?”

“Yes.” I lower my voice, not wanting people outside to be able to hear. “A thousands-of-years-old man who wishes to rebuild the empire of his people would not be together with a simple woman from another race, a race that is nothing compared to his.”

“Hm. Is that what the story says or what you believe?”

“It ends up being the same thing. But I guess I should add that that man would probably think me to be a disgusting creature.”

“Disgusting?”

“Yes. Humans' bodies are different than elves'. I wouldn't doubt if he even thought it was as absurd as a qunari's.” I laugh.

“You make fun of yourself in hopes that it would not hurt if the man does not reciprocate your feelings.”

“Not really, I make fun of myself because I really think there is nothing appealing in me.” He stays quiet for some time, when he is bandaging me he says:

“There are few differences between human and elven bodies. The differences are mainly in their spirits and their connection to the Fade.”

“Is that supposed to give me hope?” I laugh a little bitterly.

“It is supposed to enlighten you. Whether it gives you hope or not is of little consequence.”

“Well... then I guess that's a no. And I'll just continue living as before.” I can't hold back a sigh. He really won't ever love me, right? Why did he even bring up this topic? Is he sadist?

We fall into silence again, and when he is done he simply wishes me a good night and says he will visit me in the Fade to continue our talk from before. Well... I wonder how he will take this... I prepare for bed and lay down, it doesn't take long for me to fall asleep.

After I protect my beach I lay down on the couch waiting for him to arrive. Some wisps come to stay closer to me and they make me feel better. I was feeling a bit anxious, but they make me calm.

Solas arrives a few minutes later, and I sit up so he can sit beside me.

“What are the things you had to tell me when we were by the harts?” He says after sitting down.

“In the game, the Orb breaks.” His eyes go wide. “The Herald always lets the Orb fall down and it breaks. Is it fragile?” I'm not really sure they send the Orb with Corypheus until the sky... that would definitely cause it to break... power of gravity and all...

“No. It should not break by falling down. Unless...”

“Unless?”

“Unless Corypheus corrupts it and weakens it.”

“If it’s corrupted and weakened is there a way to fix it? I don't plan on letting it fall, though.”

“It would need to build back its power, it would require years.” He sounds distressed, I can understand.

“The Orb is the only way to work through the Veil?”

“No, but it would be the best tool. I used it to create the Veil and it is powerful. It... should be.” He sighs. “The more I know of what is to happen the more I see how grave my mistakes were.”

“Grave, yes, but they can be fixed.” He looks at me then, annoyed? Pained? I don't know.

“It is not that simple! My people lost too much, and because of me!”

“Solas, for everything that I could see, if you hadn't done it the Evanuris would have destroyed them, you gave the elves time.”

“Time?! They die! They are supposed to be immortal!”

“Solas, listen to me. Didn't you create the Veil because  **every** alternative was worse?”

“I... yes.”

“Then it was necessary. They have lost much, I know, I see it everyday. Magic became a sin, and that is beyond wrong. We'll fix it, and after I'm gone you'll still have eternity to lead the elves to their glory.” He frowns.

“Why does the Herald in your story let the Orb fall?”

“They send Corypheus into the Fade after defeating him in battle.” His eyes go wide. “That's a mistake isn't it?”

“Yes and no. If he dies there then there is no problem, but if he does not... he could wander to places he is not supposed to go.”

“What makes him immortal is the taint.” He raises an eyebrow. “If he has access to a tainted body he transfers himself to that body, even if he was completely turned to mush. Because of that the Grey Wardens are very valuable to him.”

“I see. As long as he does not have access to the taint he should stay dead. I wonder how long he would need to stay away from the taint to permanently die.”

“He was in a cage of sorts when Hawke found him, the Grey Wardens many years ago had locked him in there, they realized he couldn't be killed or controlled, but eventually a stupid Grey Warden went to him, thinking she could bind him, but that didn't work. When Hawke thought she defeated him she left his body there and didn't notice he used the Warden they were helping to escape. Can we take away his taint?”

“Grey Wardens are fools.” He sighs. “The taint is... a complicated matter. It is best left for another time, but to answer your question, it could be done, only not so easily.”

“Hmm. Is there a way to completely destroy his body, not leaving any trace with which he could transfer himself? Or... locking away his soul?”

“There is an ancient spell that can trap a spirit in a gem.” Oh right, like the Dirth'ena Enasalin spirit in Origins!

“I remember now, I saw a spirit locked in a gem, the Hero of Ferelden could free it and if wished, could learn the Dirth'ena Enasalin. There were plenty of Revenants in glass vials too.”

“It would require a ritual and much power to lock him away with those methods.” I sigh.

“I guess we should think about this while awake, there are more things I need to tell you. I know about Felassan, that he was supposed to get the password for you but preferred to trust Briala.”

“That...” he sighs, “is not one of the memories I treasure.”

“I understand. What I mean to tell you is that we might get Briala to work with us, when the time comes to save Celene there is a way to get Briala in power, and you may be able to convince her, get her to work with you. She wants the elves to live better lives, you are far better than me at convincing people, you can get her around to work for you. She would control Orlais through Gaspard, and answer to you.”

“She could control Orlais through the Chevalier?”

“Yes. If it happens as it does in the game Gaspard can be blackmailed, Celene will be killed and Briala can make the decisions while Gaspard will be the one people  **think** is the Emperor.” He frowns.

“You would let Celene be killed? I did not expect this from you.”

“It's not something I would do, unless... hmm... I wonder if we could get Celene to fully work with Briala. That is one of the possible outcomes, but it never was guaranteed she would not betray the elves again. It was stated as uncertain that peace would last between them. At least with Gaspard there the elves have a higher chance. Celene killed many elves for pride, and I hate her for this, that's why I wouldn't mind if she died. Gaspard can be more easily controlled.”

“Could you live with that decision?”

“Just as much as I can live with the deaths of those bandits and rebels who tried to kill us on the field. I hate death, I hate wasting lives, but if it's for the benefit of others... I can live with it.”

“I will think about this.”

“And there is one more thing, and this is  **very** important, Solas. The place Morrigan calls 'The Crossroads', the place where many eluvians connect to, it is in danger. Many eluvians are in danger.” He frowns. “I don't know when the Qunari will do it, I don't know if they already started doing it, but they will try to take control of the eluvians to begin their invasion, the eluvians they can't use they break. It's a really sad thing to see.”

“The Qunari are working on an invasion?”

“Yes. It only becomes known two years after Corypheus is defeated, they try to attack the Exalted Council that decides what will become of the Inquisition. In the game you finally re-appear and reveals that you are Fen'Harel and that your spy showed us what the Qunari were doing.”

“I re-appear?”

“Yes. In the game you leave without even saying goodbye after you find the broken Orb. It's shown that you go after Mythal to get her power so you can continue with your plans.”

“You know about the location of Mythal?” He seems alarmed.

“I don't know where she is, but she will show herself before we have to face Corypheus, you go after her after the battle.” He frowns. Will he leave if I tell him now? I sigh. Well... guess I'll find out the extent of his trust. “Mythal is inside Flemeth.” His eyes go wide.

“That makes sense. I would like to see her. When does she appear in your game?”

“After we go to the Temple of Mythal in the Arbor Wilds. I don't have many good memories of that place. Well... not of the place itself, that place is gorgeous... god... that forest is amazing... I hope it's as beautiful here. I bet it's even better actually. Wish I could have gone there more times but it was a one-time only thing.”

“Why bad memories? What happens there?”

“It's there that we discover that Corypheus is immortal as long as there is taint. But that is not the problem. After the Well of Sorrows... well... it's when the you there breaks up with the Inquisitor.”

“I see.” He stays silent for a few seconds. “The Herald becomes the Inquisitor?” I nod and sigh.

“And don't worry, I won't drink from it. I don't want to have voices in my head... my own thoughts are enough.”

“You would also be bound to Mythal.”

“I know. I'll let Morrigan do it... maybe she will finally understand Flemeth and get along with her.”

“You like Flemeth.”

“Heh, I do. The woman is cunning, has a really nice sense of humor, and she is very wise.”

“Much like Mythal.” He smiles.

“Well, she did say in the game that they are one and the same now, 'not unlike your heart is a part of your chest' or something like that she says.” He hums.

“It is time to wake up.” I sigh and he chuckles.

“What? I like being here with you.” I look at the floor. “And there is so much I still want to share with you.”

“There will be time still. I am curious about many things, but there are things we must do.”

“Yeah... like getting to Skyhold. Let's go.” I give him a smile.

_ “I will see you soon, Enasa.” _

_ “See you soon, Solas.” _ He disappears and I wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now.. time to update previous chapters! Hope you enjoyed this one :)


	61. Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Were you looking forward to this chapter? I hope you like it :)  
> I'm posting it today.. I couldn't wait =x

When I make my way outside the tent, the camp is already bursting with activity. I notice it's not been long since the sun rose, though. The advisors come tell me the people are more hopeful now, and as they continue to talk about preparations to move out Solas approaches. He says we aren't far, that we can definitely make it there by nightfall.

The companions come talk to me before we move out, Bull seems curious about how much information we can actually get from the Fade and spirits, interested in how we came to the knowledge of Skyhold. Solas explains it and Sera decides that she isn't that curious, and says that she only stopped by to greet me, and not to hear more ‘Fade crap’. Solas seems unaffected and just patiently tells the ones who wishes to listen.

Cassandra goes away to talk to the advisors after greeting me and Varric and Dorian seem very interested in what Solas has to say, Dorian even asks more questions about spirits, which ends up in a discussion about their views in how spirits should be treated and ‘used’.

Thankfully the discussion doesn't go far, as Cullen orders people to move, and I say goodbye to the others, taking Solas to the front again so we can lead the way.

Everything goes well, until the terrain starts getting trickier, and because it's like I have two left feet, I trip. It would have been such a terrible fall if Solas wasn't beside me. I would probably not-die. We were in a really high place, with very pointy rocks below. I thank him, but for a second there I thought he wouldn't let me go. Weird.

We continue on the way and I notice he is paying closer attention to my movements, probably afraid I'll trip or slip and fall to my non-death. I wonder what all these people would think if they saw me not-dying from this kind of fall. Would I really be considered sent by the Maker then?

The wagons have trouble crossing the terrain and I notice Bull having to help lift them so they can continue. That man is extremely strong, it scares me.

 

When we come to a more stable area we stop to eat. Varric and Cassandra come along with Dorian to check on me. They noticed my almost fall and got worried. I say that I have nothing to fear with Solas beside me, and just as the words leave my mouth I take my hand to my lips, embarrassed that those words came out so easily. I think I blush, I can feel my cheeks burning, and Varric's laugh doesn't make it any easier. I try to explain that it's because he is quick and could catch me should anything happen, but I think nothing can save me. Solas doesn't show any reaction.

Varric and Dorian seem to have been talking about this some time prior, because they sound very much in harmony when it comes to teasing me with this. But it doesn't last long, I don't give in to their teasing and we just eat in peace, talking about what Skyhold could be like.

We finally get to an open area and Solas stops, I walk beside him intending to ask what was wrong when I spot the fortress. The orange colors of the sky highlighting its shape. It’s so beautiful, and much bigger than the game showed. There are many towers, I can see at least three from this side, and there seems to be a small forest in there.

“I understand from your reaction it is not what you expected to see?” Solas says beside me, I turn to see and he is smirking.

“No. It... it's much better. Is that really a forest in there?”

“It is. I am surprised it still endures. Humans are quick to destroy nature.”

“I'm glad it stayed, I guess I know where I'll spend most of my free time.” I chuckle.

And then the advisors approach to see what it was all about, they are surprised to see the fortress and as soon as we find a way down we continue. It's deep in the night when everybody makes it inside the place. There are many walls crumbling, a lot of rubble around, there will be much work to be done to restore it. But for tonight people just find places to settle down and set the tents. Work will start the next day.

The companions seem all very impressed with the place, and most wonder how such place was lost to time. Solas says it had many ‘owners’ throughout time, and now it will serve the Inquisition well.

I'm torn between asking him to cast the spell again and sleeping dirty. I already went to bed yesterday without cleaning myself and it's bothering me. The memory of that embarrassing moment makes me want to just bear with it and go to bed. It should be easier now that the hormones are quiet though... I sigh. I end up deciding that I will ask him.

To excuse ourselves from the group I ask him to check on my injuries and we go inside my tent after he gets his stuff. I take off my shirt and then turn my back to him, holding the shirt tight with my hands, a little embarrassed to ask him.

“Something is troubling you.” He says while removing the bandages.

“Ah... it's... I want to ask you to cast that spell on me again but...”

“You are embarrassed.”

“Yeah...” I sigh.

“If you wish I can cast it, as I told you, it is not your fault if you are sensitive.”

“Don't you... er... think it's...” I sigh, “shameful?” He stays quiet for a few seconds.

“Not at all.”

We spend the rest of the treatment in silence. I don't know what to say or think about his answer. Maybe I'm even thinking too much into it. Because, you know, he isn't interested. He isn't... right? He has been acting different, but sometimes he is so cold. He is a confusing man. I wonder if I should ask him directly. I sigh. There is no way I can do it...

“Do you still wish me to cast it?” He asks after he finishes bandaging me.

“I... er... if you don't mind.”

“I do not. Do you wish to turn around?”

“Heh, nah... I guess I'll stay like this so you don't see my embarrassed face.”

_ “As you wish _ .” He then starts the spell and I close my eyes, trying to focus not to react.

I know what to expect when the energy touches me but this isn't much easier than last time. Of course not having haywire hormones helps but this is too intense, and as he said, it's too intimate. And now that he knows how I feel about him I feel even more self-conscious about my reactions. At least when I can't hold back noises I can at least make them low. I'm still embarrassed, though.

“All done.” He says and I feel my skin burning.

_ “Thank you _ . Please forget my reactions?” I say still turned away from him. I have no courage to face him.

“Must I?” What? I cough at his answer, shocked.

“I... I... er...” He chuckles and I turn around, he seems amused. “Why are you teasing me? This isn't fair!” He laughs.

“You are beautiful when you are flustered.” My eyes go wide. “ _ Good night, Enasa _ . I will see you in the Fade later.”

I can't even reply. I'm completely shocked. What has gotten into him? He smirks and makes his way out. I sit on the bedroll after I regain movements in my legs. He is just teasing me, right? I should remember he is the Trickster God after all... He is old but I doubt he would lose such habits…

 

It takes me a while to fall asleep. I can't stop thinking about the many times where he teased me or said something that I could interpret as something else. But there is no way he would be interested in me. And now that he knows what I feel, he would have said something, right? I sigh and try to focus so I go to the Fade.

My beach is as calm and cheerful as ever. I laugh at the wisps coming to greet me. As I move between them, talking and almost dancing with them, Solas speaks. “They really enjoy your presence.”

“As I enjoy theirs.” I say, still not looking at him. After I greet them all I walk back to the beach, feeling the sand between my toes. “What should I tell you about this time? Hmm...” I try to think about something as I sit down but he interrupts my thoughts.

“I think it is time for me to tell you something.” I tilt my head, looking at him still standing. “These past few days changed much.” My heart starts racing. “There is something I want to tell you, and to show you.” He smiles and I get even more confused. "Come.”

I stand up and when I get beside him he changes the beach, just as he did the other times when he took me to a memory. It feels a bit like a deja-vu when I see Haven. It makes me feel a bit weird to see this happening here. I didn't think it would. He takes me to the cell and I see myself laying on the bed.

“God, I was so pale.” I say looking at my form under the thin blanket.

“You were injured and weak, nothing I did would help you. The mark was the only thing that could affect you, but at that moment it was still trying to kill you.”

“Thank you for not letting it kill me.” I say with a smile and he shakes his head.

“I am fairly certain I failed at it twice. But somehow you would return, albeit with extreme pain.” My eyes go wide.

“So I not-died? Twice? Oh... that explains why everything hurt so badly whenever I woke up.”

“I did not think much of it then, I thought it was not really death, just your body becoming too weak, but after the encounter with Despair and your revelation, I understood what had happened.”

“Well, still, you got the mark under control and I'm here now.” I say while we walk back outside. He stops and looks at the Breach, then it changes to the first time I saw him and Varric by the rift.

“When I saw you coming down that hill, so pale, I thought you would collapse at any moment.” He looks at me then. “But we needed you to close the rift, I needed you to fix my mistakes.” He looks pained.

“I understand, don't worry.” I say with a smile and he takes a deep breath, then he looks at the rift.

“When you succeeded at closing that first rift I felt hope returning. But then you almost collapsed, I held you in my arms and you were so weak. How could you not be? After all you were just a mortal human with ancient powerful magic on your hand, reacting to you.”

“That first day was difficult... I don't even know how I could walk. Everything hurt  **so damn much** . Hey Solas,” he tilts his head, “did you notice my face when I looked at you?” I chuckle.

“You looked at me as if you were looking at a marvel, and I could not understand why you would. I dismissed it as it being the first time you saw an elf.”

“Well, you weren't wrong. You  **were** the first elf I saw. But I was  **so** excited to finally see you. You know, I knew it was you even when I was half conscious in the dungeon. Somehow I knew it was your voice. And I was really annoyed that I couldn't even move my eyes to look at your face. I really wanted to see you. And when I did... well... you were everything and  **more** . You were  **real** .” I feel embarrassed suddenly and I look at my hands.

“When you were surprised by my saying you were a mage it confused me. It is rare, if not impossible for someone to come to their magic **after** childhood. At that point I still believed you to be in your teens, had I known you were a full grown adult it would have surprised me even more.”

“Heh, yeah. Many people would think I was much younger. I think everyone here did too.” And then the memory changes for the Temple.

“You were so weak, I was unsure you would have enough power to close the rift. I was afraid if I pushed too much energy into you that your body would not be able to take it. But if I did nothing you would collapse before closing it, then I risked it, and you closed it.” He looks at me with emotion in his eyes, I wonder why. “But you also fell unconscious, and would not wake up for days.” The memory changes to my cabin in Haven, I see myself laying on the bed, seemingly peaceful. “I would come to your side every day, and I would try to revive you with my magic, but just as the first time, you would not react to it. I could not read your body, I did not know what was wrong. The mark would flare from time to time, and at some point it stopped trying to kill you and started to heal you. You can imagine my surprise when I saw my anchor doing it.”

“Heh, I bet you thought it was almost heresy.” He laughs. God... that's an awesome sound.

“Yes. You could say that. That is not what the anchor was built to do, and it surprised me to see its purpose changed, and on a human no less. People started calling you the Herald of Andraste and when you woke up I noticed it did not please you.”

“I knew what the mark was. I knew it was yours. And I don't believe in Andraste, so...”

“But you still were kind to give them hope for a better world, even if misguided hope.”

“Well, it's better than chaos. There is already too much of it.” He nods and then the memory changes to the front of his cabin, I see myself talking to him.

“When you trusted me with your secret, I could not help thinking you had some ulterior motive. But I agreed to help you. I could feel your aura, I knew your words were true, but I also felt you were anxious about something. And experience taught me to be careful of others. Teaching you, however, would give me more opportunities to discover more about you, who were such a mystery to me.”

“So you always could feel my energy?”

“Yes. Since the first day Cassandra brought me to you. And it surprised me. The other humans do not possess such intense aura, much less such a strong connection to the Fade. This was something uncommon even in times of Elvhenan.” I hum and he continues. “And the more I would talk to you, the more you would surprise me. Your views on many matters were different than what I was accustomed to hear. Your behavior was different than what I was used to see. But I also noticed you kept much hidden.” Then the memory changes for the Hinterlands, a beautiful area with trees and birds. “When we left after that Chantry Mother you were still weak, and unstable both in body and mind. I could not understand why you suffered so much. You would not open yourself. You seemed to be friendly enough with Varric, but would not trust him with it. You trusted me with your reading, but not with your past.”

“Telling you about my parents and past would lead to questions I couldn't answer back then.”

“Yes. I know that now. But it would disturb me to see you suffer and be unable to do something. I already could not heal you, I could not do anything for your pain, you were charged with fixing my mistake, so when you told me how much you valued and admired the elvhen people, how curious you were about them, I thought showing you a beautiful memory would be a good way to make you feel better.”

“Oh and it did! That place is amazing, Solas!” He smiles.

“And you were so bright then. I had not realized how happy you could be, especially after what had happened with Despair, and it made  **me** happy.” My eyes go wide.

“You? You were happy for me?  **Because** of me?”

“Yes. It surprised me as well. And the more I talked to you, the more I saw you grow, the more interesting you became to me.”

“Haha, I knew I was a guinea pig for you.”

“Guinea pig?” He raises an eyebrow.

“It means that I was nothing more than an object of study for you.” I smile but it still is painful to know.

“You misunderstand.” I tilt my head. “I was studying you, of course, how could I not? You were a mystery, your situation was unique, and you are immortal! But also, you intrigued me, I found myself wanting to know more about  **who** you were, not what or how.”

“Hmm. That makes it better.”

“Your friendship with spirits amazed me, I never expected another to view them like I do. You even see them as family. And you accept them and their help, and become better for it.” The place changes to the square in Val Royeaux. “Your speech was much more than I could have expected you to be able to say. You were always afraid of talking to people, usually letting Cassandra do it. And the crowd did not even seem to bother you.”

“Well, I told you, Inspiration helped me.”

“He did, but it would not have been possible if you had not let him do it; if you did not have the motivation and the words in you. As I said, he could not have put those words in your mouth. Everything you said came from you. That day I realized you are much stronger than you show, than  **you** believe you to be.”

“Er... thank you? Cassandra said I changed, that I'm stronger now, guess you think so too?”

“I do not think you’ve changed, I believe you allowed yourself to bloom.” Well now that is... so nice of him to say. “You grew into an amazing person, you  **allowed** yourself to grow. And when I saw you break after coming out of that portal in Redcliffe... it hurt me.” My eyes go wide. “What you said, about my energy complementing you, Enasa. I feel the same.” I step back. It can't be possible... He continues. “I felt your pain in your energy, and it hurt me. More than it hurt when you were troubled before Despair, more than when you were possessed. And when you hugged me so tight, all I wanted was to return your embrace and not let you go.” There is no physical way my eyes could get wider.

“Wha... what are you saying?”

“I care for you.” He sighs and we are back in my beach. “I could not accept it before, I could not accept that a human could have qualities not even the elves have. I could not accept that I would have feelings when my duty should come first, when you were one of the people that would die because of the work I must do. However... the more I came to know you, the more I realized what this feeling was, what your aura did to me, it only became harder to ignore.” I'm completely shocked, standing unable to move, my mouth open and eyes wide. “Then you started showing me more elements that did not fit anywhere. You became even more of a mystery. When you finally told me where you came from, what you knew about me, that you  **understood** , that you wanted to  **help** ... that wall as you say, it released much more than you could have imagined.”

“Why... why didn't you say anything then?”

“Because I needed to think. I needed to be sure. You say you love me, and I believe it when you say it, because I feel it in you. But as you also know, your time here is unknown. To start this only to lose you... but then you almost fell from the mountain today, and I realized I could not continue living this way. Even though I know you would not die... it made me realize I need you.”

“Solas... I... I can't believe you're telling me this. You  **like** me? You...  **really** like me?  **Me** ?” He hugs me then, tight. I'm flooded by so much love that I feel I'm going to choke. I try to breathe but the emotion is too much. Calm down... calm down woman... don't go dying now... I hug him back, tight. I don't want to ever let him go. “This is a dream... no chance this is real...” I chuckle nervously. I close my eyes and rest my face in the crook of his neck. I can smell him, it's so good. My heart is hammering in my chest and I can feel his, so close to me.

“It is a dream, and it is real.” He says so close to my ear that I feel I'm going to melt. He kisses my cheek and then I start melting, my legs falter and he holds me up, looking at me with such intense eyes and a beautiful smile. “I want to enjoy the time we have while you are still in this world. Together.” My heart skips a beat.

“Oh... I... oh god... I never thought this would happen.” He chuckles.

“Neither did I. Life has a way of surprising even the old ones it seems.”

“Oh god... Solas... I... there is nothing I want more in this world than to be with you.” He doesn't say anything then, he kisses me. And I kiss him back, of course. The kiss is so intense that it feels like we are trying to eat one another. The feeling of touching his tongue with mine, sucking on his lower lip... of him sucking mine... everything is just amazing. And he holds me tight and all I feel is him, and his energy flooding me, and mine going forth to him, and I realize I can  **feel** his energy in the Fade. And I  **feel** he is happy. Knowing he is happy fills me with such warm feeling and I want this moment to never end. But then there is a horn blowing in the background, and it startles me. He sighs, then chuckles. I end up laughing.

“Time to wake up it seems.” He says.

“Unfortunately.” I say with a smile and he holds my hands.

_ “I will see you soon, Enasa _ .” He says with a smirk and I shake my head.

“Can I... er... get another kiss?” Now  _ he _ shakes his head with a smile, and when I think he is going to kiss my lips he just goes for my forehead.

“I believe it will be better in person.” He says and releases my hands.

“You better deliver.” I smirk and he chuckles, then disappears.

Did this  **really** happen? Oh my god... I will myself to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I had a weird idea the other day.. and I had to write it down. If you would like to see how the world would be with a child Herald, check it out. I got no idea how it would turn out, though. [Hope in the Hand of a Child](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13779114/chapters/31673196)


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Thank you all for kudos and comments <3  
> I hope you continue to like the story :)

I wake up not believing what happened. There is no way that was simply a dream, but it feels so absurd. Solas likes me! He kissed me! Oh my god... oh my god! I get ready for the day and when I'm about to go out I freeze. How am I going to face him? How am I supposed to act around him? Can I hug him when I want to? Would he feel bad for being with a human in front of others? I start panicking, then I take a deep breath and think about Love's lessons. I calm down in a few minutes and go outside. I can't stop smiling, though. When the others see me they all seem surprised, and why wouldn't they be? I'm not one to go around with a smile stuck on my face. Unless I had a  **really** good dream. And that is the first comment Varric gives me.

“Nice dream, Crystal?” He smirks.

“You have  **no** idea, Varric.  **The best ever** !” I chuckle and he raises his eyebrows.

“Care to share?” He says and then I see Cassandra walking by.

“Maybe another time. Got to talk to Cassandra.” And off to Cassandra I go. “I have to tell you something.” I say with a big smile and she also raises her eyebrows in surprise at my excitement.

“What happened?” She says while I drag her to a secluded area.

“Solas likes me.” I tell her with a low voice, but still unable to contain the excitement. She seems surprised, but then smiles.

“I'm so happy for you, Grace!” She hugs me, then pulls away quickly. “Oh I'm sorry, I know you don't like hugs.”

“Right now I don't mind!” I laugh. “I'm so damn happy, Cassandra! I never thought this could happen.”

“I told you my friend, he is a smart man, he would not resist.” She chuckles as I laugh.

“I don't know what to do, though.”

“What to do?” She tilts her head.

“I don't know how I should behave around him now. I don't know if he would mind to be seen with me, a human, you know.”

“I do not think he would worry about such things, but if you are unsure, talk to him.”

“It would be a weird talk.”

“But it would remove this weight from your shoulders. For a relationship to be successful there need to be trust and one must feel free to talk to the other about anything.”

“You're right. Thank you Cassandra.” I smile and I can't help hugging her, she laughs and hugs me back.

We make our way to the center of the courtyard and I see Solas sitting beside Varric by the fire. He looks at me and smiles. My heart skips a beat and I smile like an idiot. I guess Varric notices because he raises his eyebrow and smirks. When we get closer he comments:

“So...” Varric says between a bite of bread, “are you two officially a couple now?” I cough, not expecting him to be so direct.

“Indeed we are, Varric.” Solas answers and my eyes go wide. He is being open about it? About me? A human? He's the leader of the elves! I just stand there, in shock, Cassandra sits across from Solas, but far from Varric. Solas looks at me and motions with his hand for me to approach. I hesitate at first, but then I sit down beside him, a bit closer than I would normally do. I'm not used to this... “Did you want to keep it a secret?” I shake my head.

“I thought you would...” I say, embarrassed.

“There is no time for petty worries such as appearances.”

“Way to go Chuckles! You're right about that, you never know when you might have to stay away from the woman you love.” You would know that, right Varric? I still think Bianca isn't worthy of you, though... hope she's better here.

“I am happy for the both of you.” Cassandra says with a smile.

“I still think this isn't happening.” I laugh.

“Well Crystal, I told you. Guess I can start writing  **that** book now.” He smirks.

“Finish the next chapter of Swords and Shields before you start it. There are people waiting for it, you know?”

“I don't know why you insist so much on it if you haven't even read it!” He complains and I shrug.

“Do it and I may tell you one day.”

“Fine.” He says and drinks from his mug.

“What are we supposed to do while the soldiers and mages fix the place?” I ask.

“I am not sure. We are having a meeting at noon. I was going to tell you when you surprised me with your news.” Cassandra answers.

“Oh, I see. Does it mean I have it free until noon?”

“I suppose.” She says.

“Well, I guess I'll go see that forest then.” I stand up. “Did any of you find the way there yet?”

“Not me Crystal.” And Cassandra shakes her head.

“I can take you there.” Solas says, standing up.

“Well, you two behave out there, we got kids around.” Varric says with a sly smile and I shake my head.

“You're the worst, Varric.”

“Aw you wound me!”

 

Solas leads me through the courtyard and I follow beside him. When we no longer see people around he holds my hand, which surprises me. I smile like an idiot and just continue the way in silence. He opens a door that leads to a corridor and we pass by two doors before he opens another one, which leads to a veranda. I can see tall trees not so far ahead, and right at the bottom of the small staircase seems to be been a garden, now overgrown.

The trees remind me a little of the Emerald Graves, so green and lush. The sound of the wind through the leaves is so relaxing. The air is so pure, and the aroma is a mixture of fresh herbs, damp wood and water. The energy in the place is really comforting.

“The garden needs care,” he says beside me, “but the woods seem untouched.” He then looks at me. “Want to go deeper?”

“How big is it?” I can't see the other side, it seemed big from up the mountain and it probably is even bigger down here.

“Not so big as to get you lost in there.” He smiles and walks down a few steps, offering his hand for me. I take it and go down with him.

It's really nice to feel the grass under my feet. It's a bit wet by dew but the enchantment on the footwraps doesn't let it be uncomfortable to me. As we go into the woods the smell of wood and plants gets more intense, this is nothing like the woods in the Hinterlands. For a second I'm afraid I'm going to come into contact with something that will trigger an allergic reaction, but it's the opposite, the longer I stay in there, the easier it is for me to breathe.

“You seem happy.” He says after we walk through the trees. He moves easily, I have to be careful not to trip on the roots that grow over the ground.

“This is amazing.” I say, looking around. The sun rays coming through some of the branches, making several tiny particles shine in the air; I don't know what it is but it feels so magical and it's really beautiful. “This wasn't in the story.” He chuckles.

“And I see it is a pleasant surprise.” He then holds me from behind, arms circling my waist, and I'm shocked at first, this is still so absurd, the idea of being with him like this.

“Not the greatest, or best.” I smile even though he can't see. “But sure is pleasant.”

“And may I know which is the greatest and best surprise?”

“Oh don't you know that?”

“I believe I need you to enlighten me.” I turn to look at him, still in his arms, he is smirking.

“You are.” And I can't look at him, nervous, I lay my head in the crook of his neck; he smells even better than in the Fade. “Being like this with you, I never thought it was possible. And it's the greatest and best surprise I could have ever had.”

“Hm.” He caresses my cheek and then holds my chin so I look at him. “I believe I owe you something.”

“What?” And he kisses me. And damn if he wasn't right, it's  **so** much better in person. And I can feel his energy better now too, and it floods me with the emotion he feels and he holds me tighter. He is skilled with his tongue and he likes sucking on my lips just as much as I love doing it to his. Whenever I can I also suck his tongue and he hums and becomes even more avid. I feel his hand going through my hair and holding my head and I feel like I'm going to melt, my body is so hot, inside and out. His hand on my hips pulls me closer. I think not even air could get between us. I was never this close to someone, and I can feel  _ him _ . I have one arm on his back and my other hand holding his neck. I can only hope that he can feel how much I love him and how much I want him to be always with me.

I don't know how long we stay in that tangled, panting, mess, but at some point he breaks the kiss, and he is so flushed; he is so cute and hot. He looks at me as if he could eat me but I don't mind, hell, I like it. I caress his cheek and he closes his eyes leaning in to my touch. Then he holds me tighter again.

“I do not know what this is.” He says so close to my ear I shiver. “But it is stronger than anything I have ever felt, and to be able to be honest with you... I am happy you told me what you know.”

“Heh... if I knew it would lead to this I would have done it sooner.” He chuckles and I wonder how he can hold me even tighter without hurting me. After a few minutes he pulls back.

“I wonder if it still remains. Come.” He holds my hand and I follow.

We walk through some more trees and I start hearing the sound of water. After a couple of minutes I see a small stream, and as we approach I notice there is a stone bridge crossing it. On the other side is what seems to have been a garden, with a stone bench and a broken statue beside a pedestal; the grass is overgrown.

“Part of it remains.” He says as we cross the bridge.

“What was this place?”

“There used to be an eluvian where this pedestal is. Lost at some point in time.”

“Oh, this is sad. It would be awesome to have one here that doesn't belong to Morrigan.”

“You say her name again, is she to help the Inquisition?” He says, turning to face me.

“Yes, after we go to Halamshiral. I wonder if her son has the soul of the Old God. Well, if she  **has** a son.”

“Soul of the Old God?”

“There is a ritual the Hero of Ferelden can choose to do so they don't die, the Archdemon when slain by the Grey Warden is transferred to the baby that is recently being formed in Morrigan's belly. At least that is what I got from the story.”

“But you do not know if the Hero did the ritual.” I nod.

“In the third game Flemeth comes for it if Morrigan's son has it. She absorbs it or something like that.”

“And that is when Flemeth shows herself? Only if Morrigan's child has the Soul?”

“No. She still shows herself, saying she's curious about who drank from the Well. Solas... is there a way to warn the elvhen in Mythal's Temple in the Arbor Wilds? So many will die if they fight Corypheus and the Inquisition.”

“I do not have access to that area at this time. However, I can try. They would be valuable allies if they join me.”

“If his name is the same than in the game, the leader of the Sentinels in the Temple is Abelas.”

“I will look into this.” He kisses my forehead. “We should go back. You have a meeting.”

“Yeah...” I sigh. “I could stay here with you forever, though.” I chuckle while walking away, he joins me and holds my hand.

 

We walk back to the courtyard in silence and eventually he releases my hand. I wonder if he is simply not a fan of public displays of affection. Well, I'm not either, but I wouldn't mind to keep holding his hand. We go separate ways when I start searching for the advisors for the meeting. Eventually I find their tent and go inside.

They are not arguing, which makes me feel better. They start talking about what they could find about the place so far, how people are working to fix it and how long they expect to have usable areas in the fortress. It would take at least a week. Josephine says she already got in contact with people to help fund the repairs and merchants to trade with us. Soldiers and scouts have been sent down the old road to clear and secure the path.

After long and tiresome minutes they start the topic I wasn't looking so forward to. The lack of a “real” leadership in the Inquisition, and how they have come to the agreement that I'm the best for the position. Cassandra reminds me of that talk she had with me, about how much I grew and how my decisions and help allowed us to have success. They all look at me as if expecting me to say something and I feel a bit awkward. I knew this was coming, but it's still too weird. I can follow orders just fine, I can help and make suggestions just fine. I hate taking orders from people I believe are incapable of doing so. But when I'm the leader, I can be... harsh. I want things running the best they can, and I'm not afraid of being unpopular.

“Before I agree to this you need to know  **who** you are placing in power.” I start and they seem curious. “Up until this point I was trying my best but I wasn't the leader. I have a bit of an issue with power, you see. I can be a little... harsh. I like order, and I don't like when it doesn't go the way it should. People where I come from would say I would rule with an iron fist.” They seem shocked by this. “I'm nice, until I'm pissed off. Cassandra has seen me on the field. And I'm  **not** worried about being popular, I don't care if the nobles won't like me. Are you sure you want me to lead?”

They look to each other and then back to me, and say that they trust me to take the best decisions, that they have seen how much I care for the well being of everyone and that if I can make the hard decisions when they are needed then it’s even better than they expected. Well, guess I'm the Inquisitor then.

They tell me they will announce it to the people at evening and I make my way out to get food. I find all the companions, except for Cassandra, who was in the advisors' tent, Blackwall, Vivienne and Cole, sitting by a spot eating their food and some had mugs in their hands or on the ground beside them. I get my food and go sit by them.

“Hey Boss, what's the news?”

“News?”

“Solas said you had a meeting, so there must be news.”

“Well, I could let you guys hear from them but... they decided to make me the Inquisitor.”

“Oh, so now you're really the boss yeah?” Sera says.

“It was expected, you know.” Varric says.

“Expected?” I ask.

“After everything you did to help?” The dwarf continues. “Expected.”

“I wasn't with you since the beginning,” Dorian says, “but from what I've heard and what I've seen, my dear, it was expected.”

“Well, I hope not to let you guys down. I'm not aiming for the popularity prize, you know? I bet a lot of people will hate me.”

“Many already do and they don't even know what you do.” Bull says.

“Well, that's true.” I say between a bite of bread.

“If you get us to kill Coryphshit and help the little people I don't care what you do.” Sera says.

“Even if I help the elves and the mages, Sera?”

“Bleh, you already do that. I don't like that crap but you help people and you don't like the ass nobles either.”

“Heh, definitely don't.”

“You know that's like all of them, don't you?” Dorian says.

“Unfortunately. But that won't stop me from thinking they're wrong and I definitely won't bend or bow.”

“That's... bold Boss.”

“Told ya she got balls.” Sera says while slapping Bull's arm.

“As long as Josephine can hold the backfire we'll be fine. I think.”

“Then we'll be fine, Ruffles knows what she's doing.” Varric says.

“Hey Solas, can we continue the elvhen lessons today?”

“Lessons, pff, right.” Sera laughs. “We've seen the both of you sneaking out earlier.”

“I wasn't  _ sneaking out _ .” I say. “I wanted to see the forest we got here inside Skyhold and he took me there.”

“Yeah, and I bet you two just looked at trees.” She continues.

“Of course not, there is a stream there, and a garden that needs care. Hope they work on it soon... but I doubt it... it's not like it's a priority...” I sigh.

“You don't fool me, y'know?” She smirks.

“We are together Sera, if you  **really** want me to say it, but the lessons are real, and important to me.”

“And we shall continue them when you are done eating.” Solas finally says.

“Boring.” Sera says and Varric chuckles. I wonder what he thinks is funny.

“So that hobo style really got you?” Dorian says.

“No, he did.” And my answer gets different reactions from them: Sera does a disgusted noise, Bull laughs, Varric smirks and Dorian does an “Oh” accompanied of a smile. “Now...” I stand up, “I'll go for my lessons if you guys don't mind.”

“Oh of course, go ahead.” Dorian says with a smirk and I shake my head.

I leave the plate over the table where the used utensils were being left at and make my way back to my tent to get my stuff. When I'm going back outside I almost bump into Solas. I tell him I'd rather study somewhere quieter and we make it back to the veranda by the forest.

 

We stay there for hours, and I take many notes. This is so difficult, I wonder if I can learn it before... is he going to leave still? Well... he did say he can't stay forever and he has to go get his agents to work on his plan... I wonder how I'm going to work together with him... would he take me with him? But I'd still have to be with the Inquisition for some time...

“Something is troubling you.” He cuts me off from my thoughts. “Do you not understand this?”

“No... it's not this... I'm sorry... it's just...” I sigh, “my thoughts wandered... I know you'll have to leave at some point and...” I sigh, “I don't want to be far from you.” He pulls me closer to him then, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“We will find a way. And after your duties within the Inquisition are over, you said they will be at some point, you come with me.”

“Really?” I look at him, and I'm pretty sure my eyes are bright.

“Of course.” He kisses my forehead. Then my cheek. Then my lips. And when I was going to embrace him I hear the door in the veranda and turn to look. He pulls away.

A messenger stops a few steps away from us and informs us that the advisors are waiting for me for the announcement. I sigh and thank him, then he leaves us. I collect my things and stand up, and then we make the way back to the courtyard.


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace is announced as the Inquisitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 18.05.2018 - updated version.)

There is  **a lot** of people standing in the courtyard, maybe everybody who made it to Skyhold minus the ones busy elsewhere. I feel claustrophobic walking among them, then they make way for me to pass when they notice ‘it's the Herald’.

I join the advisors on top of the stairs that lead inside the castle and people look to each other, whisper things, look to us with curious, sometimes hopeful eyes. It's a bit unnerving. Cassandra does the speech, and just what I feared happens: she asks me to address the people. I reach for Inspiration's help once again, there is no way I can do this alone. Fortunately he answers.

“People of the Inquisition, there is much work to be done, and I was trusted to lead it. I can't do it alone, I need you to work just as hard so we can bring order to this chaotic situation the world has come to. And as your leader there is one thing I tell you all to keep in mind at all times: Nobody, I repeat,  **nobody** is worth more than another. Elves, mages, soldiers, servants, humans, dwarves and qunari, if they are good people, they deserve your help, they deserve your support, and they are welcome in the Inquisition. No prejudice, no ill-treatment towards anybody will be accepted. If you don't agree, if you truly think another being is worth less than another, please leave.”

I see Josephine’s eyes going wide and I have to hold myself not to laugh. Hell, they put me here, they have to accept my terms. People in the courtyard seem shocked by what I just said too, the whispers and mumblings spreading through the place. It takes a few seconds for them to realize I was done, and maybe to realize I was serious. Cassandra then resumes her speech, saying that those were the terms and for people to follow through. Cullen rally the soldiers and the mages cheer and soon the courtyard is alive with so much noise. Josephine tells me then that she will take note of the people who will leave and those who will stay.

I make my way down the stairs to find very impressed and, I even think, confused companions. Unfortunately, Vivienne is there.

“You are quite bold,  _ Inquisitor _ .” She says. “You should be more careful with your words, darling, you don't want to get on the bad side of people when you just got to power.”

“Is this a threat Vivienne?” I ask. God how I wish she wasn't here.

“Of course not, darling. This is only an advice.”

“I appreciate your advice, but I don't regret my words. I mean them and I want people to know them.”

“Very well. If you'll excuse me.” She nods and walks away.

“Your speech got under her skin, Crystal.” Varric says after the woman is far away.

“I honestly forgot she was even here. Urgh... I wish we didn't need her.”

“Well, I bet many people weren't expecting that kind of speech. I know I wasn't.” Dorian says and I chuckle.

“What can I say? That's what I stand for. I couldn't have said anything else. I just hope the world isn't too rotten so we don't lose too much support.”

“Look at you being optimist.” Varric says with a chuckle. “I'd bet at least half the courtyard wanted to leave.”

“But they will not,” Solas says, “because they need the Inquisition.”

“As long as they don't cause trouble. Sera,” I look at her, “can you keep the little people alert? Make sure they are fine? I meant what I said, they shouldn't be treated as less than anybody.”

“Sure thing, Herald, wait, Inquisitor!”

“Just call me Grace. I'll leave the titles to strangers.”

“Well, that makes it better. Now I just need ya to go pranking with me and you'll be people too.”

“I'm people alright, but pranking is against my nature.” I say, serious. “And no pranks that would get in the way of people's work, hear me?”

“Yea yea... I prank so they feel happy y'know? They worry too much.”

“Still, there are better ways to have fun.”

“Like what?”

“Reading, drawing-” She interrupts me.

“Pff booooring. And soldiers don't do that.”

“Singing, dancing.” I continue.

“Now that's better but we don't have that.”

“We could have, they'll probably set a tavern in some of these buildings. I'll see with Josephine if we could have some events from time to time.”

“I'll just prank people in the meantime.” She says with a smirk.

“Harmless pranks... don't get in the way of people's work, Sera. And don't even think about destroying things.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Guess I should go put these back in my bag... see you guys at dinner.” And I walk to my tent. Solas follows me.

“Do you really believe no life is worth more than another?” He asks while I put the case back inside the bag.

“Yes.”

“Even when you say the elvhen were amazing people?”

“Yes.” I sit on the bed and motion for him to sit but he continues standing, just moves closer to me. “I believe the elvhen are amazing, but every life is important. We all are here for a reason, we all are part of the world. You see, we have two legs to walk on, if we lose one we may still be able to move, we'll jump, we'll get support from an object, we might even craft something to replace that leg, but it won't ever be the same again. We'll never be whole and perfect. Every being in the world has its part, if they are lost the world loses an important part of it. It'll never be whole again.”

“Hm. You are wise, Enasa.” He sits beside me then.

“I have good influence.” I chuckle.

“Although people will still support the Inquisition because it is needed, you must know they will betray you at the first opportunity.”

“Oh I know, I'm not naive, Solas. Specially after that speech. I know I rubbed a lot of people the wrong way.”

“Are you prepared to deal with them?”

“As much as I can, I guess. The only thing that worries me is Halam’shiral.  **That** is a viper's nest. I don't know how to survive it.” I rub my eyes.

“Orlais likes their dances with words and body, I have seen much of that in my years and I understand why you would be uncomfortable with it. Were you more inclined to wearing a mask it would be much simpler, facing them with truth will not bring you any favors.”

“I know, and I hate it. I can't pretend to be something else.”

“You can still be yourself and not be so direct with your words.”

“I guess... but it's not really something I'm used to do. I either say too little or too much.”

“Then you might wish to limit your words and not be so passionate with them. In any event, I shall help you.”

“Oh that reminds me... in the... story... they put you there as my servant. And there was nothing I could do to change it. I won't allow it here, though.”

“Servants are invisible, it might not be so bad. It might give you an advantage.”

“Are you serious? You want that position?”

“Want? No. But I could still take advantage of it.” I sigh.

“I want you to be my equal in there.”

“And after your speech today, what best way to show it? The Inquisitor and her servant, together, as equals.”

“Well... when you put it like that.”

“Just try not to antagonize the nobles directly.” He says as he picks up my hand. He analyzes it for a few minutes. “You have really long and slender fingers.” I chuckle.

“Heh, I'm a big girl. My hand is bigger than most people's I've met. Yours is still bigger, though.”

“Not by much.” He places his palm against mine, comparing the size, and indeed his is not  _ that _ bigger than mine, but still is. He closes his hand then, interlacing the fingers with mine. I smile. This kind of thing is so unusual, and when it comes to him, completely unexpected.

He is quiet, looking at me, I got no idea what could be going through his mind. I don't really know what to say so I just enjoy his presence. Ever since he told me his feelings his energy feels stronger somehow, it's amazing really. I pull my hand away but hold his in both of mine, examining it. Wish I could read the lines and I wonder if they even follow the same rules. His hands are so smooth, it's like the staff doesn't affect his skin at all, even if he doesn't wear gloves. Probably another enchantment.

I caress the skin of his palm and fingers as I look at them, even his nails are well taken care of. Pride... it seems he takes pride in his appearance too... I smile. Never thought I would hold his hand like this... And then I remember that day in Haven's woods, when I looked at his hands for the first time... and how much I wanted to touch them... and lick them... and bite them... and suck his fingers. I feel embarrassed then, and I think I blush.

“I wish I could read your mind in moments like these.” He says, and I look at him to find him with an amused expression.

“Oh I'm not sure you would... well... yeah... I guess you would.”

“How about you tell me about those thoughts then?”

“Er... it's just... you have pretty hands.” He raises his eyebrow and smirks.

_ “Thank you _ . And that is enough to get you flushed?”

“Not really...”

“I see.” He takes my hand between his then. “You can tell me when you are comfortable.” He releases my hand after a few seconds, then kisses my forehead and stands up. “We should go have dinner.”

“Yeah... you're right.” I stand up and we leave the tent. “Oh, do you know where the harts are? I wanted to check on them.”

“Yes, come.” He guides me to the stables then, the area around are full of rubble but they seem to be working on it already. And there is a big camp nearby, unkempt of course, but I assume it would be used to exercise the animals.

“Oh hello handsomes!” I say as I approach them. “Sorry I couldn't come earlier.” I see Solas petting his while I pet Reast.

We stay there for a few minutes, then I tell them I would come tomorrow. “When do you think I can start learning how to ride them?” I ask as we walk back.

“You are still injured, you should wait until it heals. That should also be enough time for them to prepare the field.”

“Right... me and my injuries... always getting in the way of things. Did you know the reason I don't know how to swim was because of injuries? I sprained my ankle back then. And after that I didn't have another chance to learn.”

“I could teach you whenever we have access to proper water.”

“Oh? I didn't think you would do that.”

“Why not?” He raises his eyebrow.

“Well... you already teach me so much and... well... nevermind... that was before.”

“What was?”

“I thought you wouldn't want to be that close to me to teach me.”

“I see. It is good now you know you are wrong.” I chuckle.

“Being wrong never felt so right.”

 

We get food, a bowl of soup with some bread, and move towards the fire where the other companions are. As soon as we sit down Bull speaks:

“Thought you two would skip dinner.” I look at him, a bit confused and he continues. “Don't look at me like that, Boss. You two are finally together, you should enjoy.”

“I am enjoying it.” I tilt my head.

“She's innocent Bull,” Sera says, “she doesn't get it. But I wonder, you're all for the 'Elvhen Glory' how is it gonna work with a human, eh?”

“I believe this does not concern you.” Solas says, plainly. But I  **do** wonder about that. I don't think I could ask him that any time soon, though.

“Touchy.” Sera says.

“He's right, though. This is our private matter.” I say, trying to focus and forget my own doubts. “Have you gotten news from the Chargers yet?”

“Yeah,” Bull says between a drink, “the boys should arrive by the end of the week.”

“It's good they missed the attack, that was ugly.” I say.

“Well they don't agree with you, they're pissed they missed it, and they could've helped us deal a heavier blow to that army, too.” He says.

“I'd rather have them safe, you know? Corypheus already lost a lot with those avalanches.”

“And so did we before we had to drop the mountain on the bastards.” He adds and I sigh.

“It could've been a lot worse without the warning.” Dorian says. “Cole really came through.”

“And don't forget the preparations she had Curly do even before that.” Varric says. “Got to hand it to you, Crystal, your busy mind saved a lot of lives.”

“Busy mind?” Bull asks.

“Haven't you noticed it, Tiny? That girl is  **always** thinking.”

“Yeah I noticed that, just haven't realized that is what she thought about.”

“I think about too many things.” I say.

“Careful not to fry your head, yeah?” Sera says. “You should relax, Grace. Come prank with me and you'll see how much better you'll feel.”

“No, thank you. I have my own ways to relax.”

“Pff yeah... reading, drawing. At least singing is fun.”

“I still have to hear you sing, you know?” Bull says.

“Oh don't make me sing here, there are too many people around.”

“Well Crystal, you once sang for the camp, I guess it would help the morale of the people here too.”

“Do you even remember I'm a shy person, Varric?” He laughs.

“You're the Inquisitor now, being shy is not on the table anymore, Crystal. Think about this as exercise and humor us, will you?” I sigh.

“Fine... let me see which song comes to me.” And the first song that comes to me is a bit tricky, I hope it doesn't end up making people feel worse. I pat on my thighs to get the rhythm and try to hum the guitar the best I can. “Let it out... let it out... feel the empty space... so insecure... find the words and let it out. Staring down... staring down... nothing comes to mind... find the place... turn the water into wine. But I feel I'm getting nowhere... and I'll never see the end... so I wither... and render myself helpless... I give in... and everything is clear... I break down... and let the story guide me”.

“Turn it on... turn it on... let the feelings flow... close your eyes... see the ones you used to know... open up... open up... don't struggle to relate... lure it out... help the memory escape. Still this barrenness consumes me... and I feel like giving up... so I wither... and render myself helpless... I give in... and everything is clear... I break down... and let the story guide me... I wither... and give myself away... like reflections on the page... the world's what you create”.

“I drown in hesitation... my words come crashing down... and all my best creations... burned to the ground... the thought of starting over... leaves me paralyzed... tear it out again... I'm not the one that got away. I wither... and render myself helpless... I give in... and everything is clear... I wither... and render myself helpless... I give in... and everything is clear... I break down... and let the story guide me... I wither... and give myself away... like reflections on the page... the world's what you create... the world's what you create... let it out... let it out”.

“Damn Crystal... do you have a song for every situation?” I look at him and I notice a lot of people actually gathered to listen, I feel terribly self conscious then. I try to focus on Varric.

“Not all, no... maybe this one was too heavy?” I look around and see they aren't very cheered up. The song isn't sad, but maybe hit too close to home. “Maybe I should sing another one... happier? To make up for it?”

“For someone who didn't even want to sing at first...” Dorian says.

“I don't want people gloomy...”

“Alright give us a happy one then.” Sera says.

“Right... let me see...” Another song comes quite fast, another one I used to listen to often. I move my hands to the rhythm. “Look... around... where do you belong... don't be... afraid... you're not the only one. Don't let... the day go by... don't let it end... don't let... a day go by... in doubt... the answer lies within”.

“Life... is short... so learn from your mistakes... and stand... behind... the choices that you make. Face... each day... with both eyes open wide... and try... to... give... don't keep it all inside. Don't let... the day go by... don't let it end... don't let... a day go by... in doubt... the answer lies within”.

“You've got the future on your side... you gonna be fine now... I know whatever you decide... you're gonna shine. Don't let... the day go by... don't let it end... don't let... a day go by... in doubt... you're ready to begin. Don't let... a day go by... in doubt... the answer lies within”.

“Where have you learned those songs?” Bull asks. “They aren't like any I have heard anywhere.”

“Learned them with people who passed by my house.” I say, but somehow I don't think he believes.

“Where did you live?”

“I'd rather not talk about my past. It's not a memory I like to go back to.”

“Yeah Tiny, there are some bad stuff there. Trust me, you don't want to know.”

“Sorry 'bout that, Boss.” I look past him then, and notice the advisors also gathered to listen to me. I fix my hair behind my ears then, more self conscious than before.

“Nice song, Inquisitor.” Leliana says. “I had heard from Cassandra and from some of my scouts that you could sing, I must say it's better than what I expected.”

“Er... thanks Leliana.”

“Care to sing another one for us?” Josephine asks, she seems so excited that I feel bad to deny her. I sigh.

“Last one? My throat can't keep going, I'm no trained singer after all.”

“Of course.” The Ambassador says, and I try to get a happy song, but can't get any that isn't a love one. I don't want to sing a love song for so many strangers. I decide to get help from Inspiration, and thankfully he helps me:

“When I am down.. and oh my soul so weary... when troubles come... and my heart burdened be... then I am still and wait here in the silence... until you come... and sit awhile with me. You raise me up... so I can stand on mountains... you raise me up... to walk on stormy seas... I am strong... when I am on your shoulders... you raise me up... to more than I can be”. I hum the instruments and move my hands with the rhythm.

“There is no life... no life without its hunger... each restless heart... beats so imperfectly... but when you come and I am filled with wonder... sometimes I think I glimpse eternity. You raise me up... so I can stand on mountains... you raise me up... to walk on stormy seas... I am strong... when I am on your shoulders... you raise me up... to more than I can be. You raise me up... so I can stand on mountains... you raise me up... to walk on stormy seas... I am strong... when I am on your shoulders... you raise me up... to more than I can be. You raise me up... so I can stand on mountains... you raise me up... to walk on stormy seas... I am strong... when I am on your shoulders... you raise me up... to more than I can be.”

“That is such a beautiful song.” Josephine says. “Thank you, Inquisitor.”

“I am confused, however,” Leliana says, “it sounds like a song for the Maker, but at the same time a love song.”

“I guess it could be anything you need it to be. For the Maker, for your parents, for a friend, for a lover, anyone that helps you and makes you better.”

“Interesting.” The Spymaster continues. “And is this true? You learned all the songs from people who came to your house?”

“Yes. Guess I was lucky.”

“And who were these people? I would like to contact them if possible, we could have such talented minstrels singing for us.”

“Oh... well... you know how my memory is awful right? I suck at remembering names.”

“Is that so? What a pity.” Leliana doesn't seem to believe me in the slightest.

“Right? I would love to listen to them again... that's at least a good part of my past.” And so true too.

“If you would at least tell us where you used to live I could search for minstrels on that area.” Leliana insists. Shit...

“Guess I'll have to live without the minstrels then, or count on luck to bring them over here.” She frowns.

“I suppose we all will then. Good night, Inquisitor.” And she leaves, Josephine greets me too and follows her. Cullen stays.

“You know,” the Commander says with a smile, “Leliana hates not knowing things.”

“I can imagine, but I don't want to talk about my past. I'd rather let it be forgotten.”

“I can relate, there are things that if I could I would forget as well.” Cullen says with a sad smile. “I'll see if I can convince her not to keep pressuring you about it.”

“I would appreciate that immensely Commander.” I say with a smile.

“Well, good night gentlemen, Sera, Inquisitor.” He says and after we greet him back he leaves.

“Well  **that** was interesting.” Varric says.

“Interesting?” I ask.

“Yeah, interesting.” He drinks. “I wonder if it will escalate. You know how the Nightingale is.”

“Well... as long as she doesn't come asking me again. She can't find anything anyway.” I sigh and stand up. “I'm going to sleep guys. Good night.”

“I should check your injuries before you do.” Solas says, standing up.

“Injuries, right.” Sera says and Bull laughs. I shake my head.

“Did you guys forget I can't be healed? And that I got big injuries on my back?”

“Well you won't have them forever.” Bull says.

“God I hope not... I miss laying on my back. Anyway... good night.”

And then Solas and I walk back to my tent. Can't wait to have a bedroom with a nice and soft bed. But I guess that's going to take a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:  
> Wither - Dream Theater  
> The Answer Lies Within - Dream Theater  
> You Raise me Up - Celtic Woman


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace shows Solas some of her old world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - elvhen speech
> 
> Thank you for comments and kudos, it makes my day <3

I take off my shirt as soon as I get inside, and then it hits me: Solas doesn't see me as a guinea pig anymore... I get self-conscious then, wondering what he thinks of me when we are like this. He picks up his healing kit that he had left there and starts taking off the bandages.

“Is something wrong?” He eventually asks.

“Er... not really.” He sighs, I'm pretty sure it's because he knows I'm lying. “It's just...” I sigh. “Before I didn't mind this because I thought you didn't care... but now...”

“It worries you what I might think of you.” He says and I nod, even though he is behind me. He sighs. “The only thing on my mind when I look at you like this is how I wish my magic would heal you and save you from so much pain.”

“Yeah... that would be nice.”

“But do not think for a moment that I do not see you as the beautiful woman you are.” He says as he cleans the wounds, as gently as always. I didn't expect to hear this from him, though. It shocks me.

“You really think I'm beautiful?”

“You are.”

“To know you think of me this way... it... it still feels like a dream.” I chuckle nervously.

“It is real.” He kisses my head and continues his work.

“Will you visit me in the Fade tonight?” I say after he starts applying poultice. “I have to tell you something.”

“I should let you continue your lessons with Love, but I must say there are many things I still want to ask you as well.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes. I will come to you tonight.”

We stay in silence until he is finished, then I put back the shirt even though I haven't bothered doing it the previous times, I mean, the bandages cover pretty much everything. He puts the kit back where it was and then comes close to me, I don't really know what to do with myself. He caresses my cheek and I lean into his hand, closing my eyes. A few seconds later I feel his lips on mine, and I kiss him back, only to feel his tongue and then soon we are holding each other tight and sucking on lips and tongues. I could never imagine he would desire me as much as I do him. My chest is so full of feelings I think it could burst open. Eventually he breaks the kiss and just holds me tight. I lay my head on his shoulder.

“Still think this is a dream?” I chuckle.

“The best.” I say as I nuzzle his neck and he chuckles.

“You only make it harder for me to leave you.” He says as he runs his fingers through my hair.

“Well... honestly? I don't want to ever let you go. We wouldn't fit on that bed, though.”

“It is for the best.” He pulls away, holding my hands and gives me a chaste kiss. “ _ Good night, Enasa.” _

_ “Good night, Solas _ .” I say as I let his hands go. He leaves the tent and I go through my nightly routine, enjoying the warm water from the basin they got in the tent at some point today.

As I get comfortable in the makeshift bed I can barely register today as reality. Solas likes me... he wants me to go with him when I'm no longer Inquisitor... damn... and I'm officially the Inquisitor now. I hug a pillow. Solas wanted to stay... oh god this is so amazing... I fall asleep not much later.

 

After preparing the beach and greeting the happy wisps I go down to the water and walk along the shallow area. The sound of the sea is so calming. After a few minutes I feel his energy, which is new to me. I turn to look and find him walking towards me.

“You really enjoy the sea.” He says while getting his own feet wet. Such pretty feet. I wonder how he can be so perfect.

“I do. The sound, the smell, the energy. I'm afraid of going in, though. Not only because I can't swim but, I don't know... it's... dangerous. So many beings live in there, and there are currents that are stronger than me.”

“In here it is only as dangerous as you let it be.”

“Which is why I love this place so much.” I chuckle. “And of course, the company that I get to keep too.” We start walking back to the veranda.

“I believe those wisps are turning into full spirits.” He says after we sit down. He holds my hand.

“Full spirits?”

“Yes. They are spirits, but they do not embody anything yet. They are changing, however, and I believe they will turn soon.”

“How soon?” I look at the changing wisps, they are indeed brighter than before.

“It is hard to say, it will depend on the amount of energy they receive and the quality of the energy. Because they are being directly influenced by you, I believe it will be something you have in abundance.”

“Self-loathing?” I chuckle and he squints his eyes at me. “Sorry... I really can't imagine.”

“I look forward to their change, it is not often I find myself in these circumstances.”

“Imagine how I feel,” I chuckle, “never having seen something like this before. I just hope I haven't done anything bad to them.”

“I do not think so, their energies are positive.” I hold his hand tighter and start caressing it.

“Solas...” I take a deep breath, “do you remember when I told you the qunari would use eluvians to invade?”

“Yes. And I have people looking into it.”

“The place the Inquisitor ends up fighting them is controlled by Briala. If I am not wrong, you know how my memory sucks and then there's the possibility that it was made up... the password is ‘Fen'Harel enansal.’” His eyes go wide. “Yeah... the irony. I decided to tell you before we even meet Briala because there is something that worries me. There is a place in there, I don't know if it really exists here, but... it looked like dwarven built and at the same time had many elvhen elements.”

“The children of the stone worked with us during milenia. It is not surprising.”

“Oh, good then. This place was accessible through that network, and it had Mythal's statue in there. It had a  **lot** of lyrium veins, it was quite beautiful even. But to destroy the qunari's operation the place ended up flooded. The thing is, before it does I saw a room with many sarcophagi, I think it's elvhen in Uthenera. I felt terribly bad at the thought that they would die before they could even wake up. I mean, with the amount of lyrium in that pool... I don't think they died with the years, Solas.”

“You tell me this in hopes I can save those people.” I nod. “This is not an easy task, however. I do not know where this place is. And investigating Briala's eluvians without leaving a trace could take time.”

“I don't think this is time sensitive, it should only happen two years after the death of Corypheus, but the sooner we see the qunari moving in there, the fewer eluvians would be destroyed and the fewer people would die.”

“Yes, of course. I would also need to take into consideration if those elvhen, if they are still alive, would be my enemies. You understand this?”

“I know. Just... in case they're not. That network of eluvians takes the Inquisitor to some elvhen buildings where you took slaves for sanctuary... and even a library... dirth... dirth-something... the spirit said it connected many places... urgh... what was the name...”

“Vir Dirthara.” He says with a small smile.

“It is broken in many areas when it shows in the game. Even the spirit isn't whole. The Librarians became corrupted Fear demons.” He frowns.

“I will try to look into this.”

“Solas...” he tilts his head, “would you have told me your feelings if I hadn't told you I knew who you were? And that I'm not from Thedas?”

“Should this feeling continued to grow as it is, I do not think I could have continued to hide it from you.” He caresses my hand as he speaks. “Specially when you showed so many signs of reciprocating.”

“Would you have trusted me enough to tell me who you were and your plans?”

“I... I have no way of knowing. I would want to.”

“Heh... it would have probably ended the same way as in the game then.”

“It is possible. You understand I could not risk it, I have a duty with my people.” He seems pained, and I hold his hand.

“I understand, and support you. And I'm glad that our reality is different than the game.” I smile.

“As am I. Do you want to try showing me some of your world?”

“Oh, I would love to! How do I do this?” He smiles and stands up, still holding my hand, and I stand up too.

“Feel the energy of the Fade, and focus on a memory. The better you can visualize it in your mind, the easier it will be for it to form around us.”

“Oh... my memory sucks, Solas.” He chuckles.

“Do not worry about it, the Fade can bring forth your memories even if you could not do it yourself, you only need to focus on it. Sounds, smells, touch, sight, taste, everything counts.”

“Well... Inspiration  **can** make me remember songs...” I take a deep breath. “Let's see... what do you want to know the most?”

“Perhaps... the technology your world possesses? How it enabled you to view this one.”

“Hmm... I can't really explain to you how it works, because I didn't create stuff like that. I know how to set up the parts together and use.” I try to concentrate on my room, back to a memory where I was cleaning the PC, trying to work the waves of the Fade to weave it around me. I notice the place trying to change, but it doesn't take form.

“Focus. Feel it as if you were still there, a part of the memory.” I try to do so, and I can only remember the pain I would feel on my fingers for removing the parts and then placing them back. 

Apparently that is a strong enough memory though, for the place around us changes to my room. I can see the walls, one of them with the drawing of an anime character I liked when I was a teenager, I never got to paint it because I was afraid I would ruin it, so it's just pencil outline. Thankfully in this memory my room is not the mess it usually is. And I can see the PC open on the table with my younger self tinkering with the parts.

“What is that box you are working on?” He says as he approaches the table.

“That is called a computer. I was cleaning it so it wouldn't eventually give me trouble. Do you see all the parts?” He comes closer to look inside it. “Each piece is needed to have it working. I don't know how they make the parts, I got no clue how that thing even works.” I chuckle. “But after you put it all back together...” I try to jump the memory to a moment when the PC is on, it's a bit hard, but I succeed, “you see on the screen that it's working and ready to use.” I look at him and see his curious face, I wonder what kind of thoughts are going through his mind.

“And what does it do?”

“It can do many things. I used it to write my stories, to draw and paint, to play games, to talk to people, to listen to songs. When I say I had people come to my house, what I actually mean is that I could listen to them on the computer.” He seems surprised.

“You could do all that because of this box and that screen?”

“And with that keyboard and mouse,” I point to him, “and to draw I would also need that slate over there, the strokes I did with the pen would be transferred to the software running in the computer.”

“Software?”

“It's what we call the stuff we use in the computer. The game is a kind of software. There are many kinds. Oh, look, I'm going to run the game.” He turns his attention to the screen, showing the Origin's launcher and then the game popping up the intro. The menu seems to surprise him.”

“Templars and mages going to the Temple of Sacred Ashes.” He says almost as a whisper.

“If I chose new game the temple would explode and it would send me to choose what my character is, then show her in the Fade running from spiders and being saved by the Divine, who stays behind to let me... her... escape.” He hums and frowns. I'm sure he wants to see that option too. “But here it seems I'm going to continue a saved game.”

“Saved game?”

“When we save our progress the game registers everything that was done, so we can continue later from where we stopped instead of doing it all again. In a game as massive as this one that would be insane... it has over one hundred hours of content.” His eyes go wide. “No way I can stay over three days awake.”

“This is fascinating.” He looks from me to the screen, and the loading ends and shows the Inquisitor in Skyhold's courtyard full of rubble, I wonder if it's just after they arrive. “Is that... Skyhold?”

“Yes. It's much smaller in the game, though.” I see myself walking the first Inquisitor I played with and talking to Cullen, and I flirt with him. Oh well... guess I haven't decided who to romance yet...

“Commander Cullen...” He says, almost in awe? “How do they know what he looks like?”

“No idea... I'm surprised by that too.”

“Is that your... character?” We look at the pale elven girl with white medium bob hairstyle and purple eyes with Ghilan'nain's vallaslin.

“Yes.”

“Why does she have Guilan'nain's vallaslin?”

“Because she's Dalish, I had to choose a vallaslin for her, I thought this one looked good on her face. I don't choose them for their gods, just for the looks.”

“I see. You never told me what you think of the Evanuris.”

“Well... I don't believe in gods under the creator of the universe. I believe there are very powerful and wise beings that could come to be known as gods, but they wouldn't be gods for me. As for the elven gods, thanks to this game I know through your character that they're fake gods, only very powerful elvhen that liked power above anything else.”

“It surprises me you have not asked about Elvhenan anymore.”

“The reason is simple, really: time. Your reality is much more complex than mine, because you have lived through thousands of years, I can't even comprehend that. I have only lived twenty-seven and experienced very little. And with the amount of things we have to worry about at this point... with Corypheus and all that... well, you would have to resume things too much, and I would only have many more questions... and there would never be enough time.” He holds my hand then.

“That is true. However you must see that for people who had no need to worry about time much of it would be spent with meaningless deeds.”

“Is that supposed to make me think you spent centuries doing nothing?” I chuckle. “I highly doubt that.  **You** who love learning and experiencing things and talking with spirits and travelling. I  **really** doubt you would spend years doing nothing. Specially after you started worrying about the slaves.”

“You think too highly of me.” He kisses my hand and I want to kiss him. “And you lead me to believe you want to listen to every detail of my life.”

“Well... you wouldn't be wrong.” I chuckle. “I want to know everything about you.”

“And I of you.”

“Good for you there isn't much for me to say. Oh, look, she's going to talk to you.” I see the Inquisitor walking into the rotunda, revealing Solas behind his desk.

“Fascinating... to see a replica of myself in there... oh, it is changing again.” It plays the cutscene of the memory in Haven.

“It surprised me when you wanted to show your memories of Haven to me, because the character in the game does it similarly... just watch.” And he does, until the cutscene stops and she gives him a kiss and he kisses her back, only to say they shouldn't do it. “I could never do that to you though. I'm not that forward.” I chuckle, embarrassed.

“But these were your decisions.”

“Yes but... it wasn’t  **me** doing those. It was a game, I can be forward in a game. Hell, I can kill people for sport in a game. It’s completely inconsequential. Nobody is being hurt.”

“But you say you fell in love with me in there.” He raises an eyebrow and I sigh.

“I... got too involved. It had been too long since I last liked somebody, and the story was too immersive, your character was amazing... so interesting, so smart, so... intriguing. I would often find myself wishing it wasn't just a game. And when I realized it, that character had filled the place in my heart, somehow.” I sigh. “But then... he broke my heart.” He holds both my hands and pulls them closer to his chest.

“Do not think about it, I will not leave you.” He says it with such confidence, I don't even know how I feel about it, I just hug him. He runs his fingers through my hair, then.

We stay like that for a long time, I think, in silence, in comfort of each other's presence. At least I hope he is. He kisses my lips then, and it gets heated again.

“We should wake up soon.” He finally says. “I will take a moment to search for my agents and get them working on the information you gave me.”

“I hope you can get something.” He pulls aways then, only to give me a swift kiss on my lips.

_ “I will see you soon _ .” I nod with a smile, and after another swift kiss he leaves.

I stay there, in the memory of my room, and I think about how absurd this is. To live the story I saw in a game. Being loved by the fictional character I loved. I will myself to go back to my beach, and spend the rest of the night among the wisps.


	65. Chapter 65

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole helps Grace forget something about her past and she decides on some arrangements in Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> When I was convinced to share this with you guys I never thought I would see so many people enjoying it, I'm really happy <3 Thank you all for the amazing comments and for the kudos and I hope you continue to like her journey. Yesterday I was planning an overall timeline for the events and it seems it'll take her around 400 days to defeat Corypheus, so expect something around that number for the total of chapters. And I'm thinking about making a sequel telling about her and Solas working to fix the world, maybe I can use events from DA4 by then?  
> Again, thank you for your support! It's amazing to know you like my work and that I'm able to give you something nice to read <3

I wake up and still feel like the day before was a dream. But then I see Solas' kit in the tent and a smile forms in my lips. What should I do today? He said I should wait until I'm healed to learn how to ride the harts... there isn't much that can be done in Skyhold at this point... guess I could ask him to continue the elvhen lessons or teach me a spell... Would it be troublesome if I took all his time? He doesn't seem to have anything to do yet... I decide to ask him.

I go outside after preparing for the day and get some breakfast. This all still feels like a big camp, getting food under the sky among so many different people. I sit down by Dorian, who was talking to Cassandra and Bull. They continue talking after greeting me. It seems they are getting along quite well. I think after spending so much time together in this mess they have already seen past their differences.

“How does it feel to be Inquisitor?” Dorian asks after a few minutes.

“I don't notice any difference, really.” I say.

“Before you were holy, now you're holy and politically powerful.” Bull says.

“Well... hope that can do us some good, because my life continues the same.” It's hard as always... and I already know how hard it's going to be... so... yeah... same thing.

“So you don't feel like abusing your new power? Not even a little?” Dorian continues. I raise an eyebrow.

“Abuse power? Really? And how am I even supposed to do that? It's not like we have much power over anything at this point. And I have no interest in getting things for myself. My worries are far beyond my own needs.”

“If that's really true then the council chose well.” The Tevinter says with a smile. “Don't go proving me wrong either, hear me? That would be awful. I told you were a good person and I'd hate to be wrong about it.” I laugh.

“Well, I don't plan on turning evil so I guess you're fine.” I say.

“You know...” Cassandra says. “I'm really glad we chose you.”

“Leliana doesn't seem to trust me, though.”

“Red doesn't like  **not** knowing.” Bull says. “As a spy I can relate. You hide too many things, Boss.”

“Well... there are things I don't like to talk about, neither to remember... so the less I think about them the higher the chance I forget, right?”

“Some things just never leave your mind, Boss.”

“Hell if I don't know that... there are things that happened when I was a kid that I wish I could forget.”

“I could help you forget.” Cole says, appearing beside me and surprising everybody. “Dark, noisy, hot. I'm so sleepy, what's those strange noises? I just want to sleep, please stop that... I want to sleep... please stop...”

“Come on, Cole!” I say, interrupting him. “Not that... not here... urgh... can you make me forget that? I really  **hate** that memory... and it's not even like those kinds of memories that make me better for having gone through the experience.”

“You are wrong. Because of that you would not do the same in front of your children.” He says, so calmly.

“Urgh... you're right but... god... I'll keep the lesson even if I forget the reason, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then... make me forget that.”

“Wait!” Dorian and Bull say at the same time. And they look to each other and shake their heads.

“Tell us what it is first! I'm curious after what he said, you know?” Dorian says.

“Nope. Trust me, you don't want to know. It's a bad thing.” I can see they look at me worried. Well... it's better if they don't know... “Please, Cole. Get rid of it.” And the spirit nods, and looks at me so focused. I feel some energy inside my head and then a weight lifts, and I don't even know why.

“You feel better now.” He smiles and I end up smiling too, he is cute when he is happy. “I helped.”

“I guess?” I look to the others and they seem frustrated, Cassandra has a weird expression. “Whatever it was I forgot, I'm better now.”

“Are you sure it's wise to have a demon playing with your mind?” Cassandra says with a frown.

“He is a spirit, and he only wants to help. If that memory really was hindering me, and hurting me, then I'm better without it.” I turn back to Cole. “Thank you, Cole.” I smile and he smiles even brighter. Then he becomes serious again.

“You need to forgive yourself.”

“Forgive myself?” I don't really know what he could be possibly talking about now.

“You want to blame others because you know if you blame yourself you'll accept it's your fault and your responsibility to fix it, but you don't know how to fix it. If you forgive yourself for making mistakes you'll feel better.” He tilts his head. “And you're not alone, you can ask for help to move on.” I sigh.

“That... it's complicated.” I run my hand through my hair. My life is a failure, but not all of it it's my parents fault... they didn't choose which university I would go to, which courses I would take... I chose to keep waiting until I had an opportunity to get the job I wanted... the choices were mine... the failures were mine... but... I don't know how to continue from here... I sigh, my chest tightens and I try not to cry.

“Oh no, I got you sad!” Cole gets restless and I try harder to improve my mood. “I'll fix it, I'll try again.”

“No, no, it's fine.” I say quickly, so he doesn't make us forget and try again. “It's not your fault.” And honestly I don't know how you could make this better... “This is something I have to figure out myself. And you already helped, saying that I'm not alone, that helps.” I give him a weak smile, he doesn't seem very reassured, though.

“That is true, Grace.” Cassandra says. “You're not alone. And you can count on me, my friend.”

“Oh,” I didn't expect this from her, “thank you.” I smile.

“And on me too, you know? I'll show you not all Tevinter are bad.” I chuckle.

“And if you can trust on a qunari spy...” Bull smirks and I shake my head with a smile.

“Thank you, guys. See, Cole. You help.” He smiles brighter then. “Want to sit with us? Talk more?”

“Could I?” He looks to the others and they seem a bit unsure.

“Don't mind them, after they get to know you it gets easier. Sit down.” I motion for him to sit beside me, and then I see Solas coming towards us, he seems surprised to see Cole with us.

“Good morning.” Solas greets us. “I am surprised to see Cole here as well.”

“I was helping her.” The spirit says, as if that was the most obvious answer.

“And he did.” I say with a smile. “Come help me show them,” I motion with my head to the others, “how Cole is an awesome spirit.”

“That will be a pleasure.” Solas says, sitting down with his breakfast beside Cole.

 

And we stay there for a long time; Solas explaining to people how a spirit like Cole is unique and how he helps people because he knows what is wrong with them and wishes for them to feel better. Cole sometimes ends up picking up on thoughts and worries from the others, which makes them uncomfortable, specially Bull, but it ends up well. Sadly I can't stay longer, because a messenger comes with a note from Josephine asking me to meet with the advisors. I excuse myself from the group and head to their tent.

Outside I hear Cullen arguing with Leliana. I stop and decide to listen to the topic. Ends up it's about me. He really is talking to her about leaving my past alone, because I have already proven time and again how I care about people, that she even agreed that my ideas were essential for the success at evacuating Haven and rescuing others, so there is no point in distrusting me at this point. I decide it's better to just get this over with and I enter.

They greet me a little uncomfortable, I'm sure they're worried if I've overheard the conversation, but they don't say anything and neither do I. We get to business, which ends up being the renovations in Skyhold. I get to decide where people are going to be settled in and on what kind of work they should focus first. They show me the map they've drawn of the place and I see really nice areas for bedrooms where the companions could be placed in. They tell me the room above all will be mine. Well, that was expected.

They are already working on the kitchen and laundry areas, which is good, they were my priority. And they have already fixed a building for the healers. I tell them to get the bedroom ready for everyone and I set them up as I think people would be more comfortable, no way I'm placing Vivienne next to Solas, for example. And then it ended up being Varric, Bull, Vivienne and Blackwall in a corridor, and Sera, Dorian, Solas and an empty room in case Cole decides to have a room in the end, on another corridor. The other corridor would be for Cassandra and the advisors and they can do whatever they want with the other rooms, I think Josephine would leave them for guests.

They also show me a garden where they want to make an area for people to pray for Andraste and the Maker and I shrug at it. If they think it'll make people happier, then do it. I'm not Andrastian, but the Inquisition is a Chantry organization and the last thing I want is desperate and hopeless people. I also see the building where they're going to turn into the tavern and I take the chance to suggest to Josephine that we have some events once a week to improve the mood of the people. She ends up suggesting that  **I** sang for them sometimes too. Being a singer was never on my dream list so this is very awkward. I tell them I'm going to think about it.

I ask about the camp beside the stables and they say they should have that ready in around three days. And I hear for the first time that Dennet was taking care of the horses and amazed by the harts. Leliana informs me about Dagna and I say that we should get her as soon as possible so we can use her skills, and she also tells me she is going to get another blacksmith, Harritt, so Lana can focus on the army and mages.

We stay there until it's around noon, discussing many other details about Skyhold and people. Leliana says she's making some progress with Sera, and that makes me feel better. Josephine tells me not many people left after my speech, but that the nobles didn't like it and that some think it's amusing that I'm naive to think such thing is possible to change in the world. I don't care, it was expected. Leliana also tells me about the papers I've found in Redcliffe, that she put people to look into it. Before I leave I remember that my soaps and creams are nearing the end, so I ask Josephine to get more supplies for me whenever possible, since I won't be going to Val Royeaux any time soon. She isn't sure when she'll be able to get those, though. Well... if she can't then I'll just get whatever Adan has... it'll be sad to be without my tangerine scent, though. When the meeting is over I make my way to get lunch.

I miss the creams and soups I used to get in Haven, these aren't so tasty, but it's understandable under the conditions we're in. I see the companions sitting together and make my way there. I think it's the first time I see Blackwall since Haven. He looks like an outsider. Guess he hasn't made any friends yet. Even Sera doesn't seem to be close to him yet. I guess he’s been too busy to socialize.

“Good afternoon, everyone.” I say as I sit beside Solas. He greets me in elvhen and the others greet me as they usually do. “We decided where you guys are going to sleep after they fix the place.” They look at me with mixed expressions, curiosity, worry, surprise. “Hope you like it.” I chuckle.

“Just tell me you didn't put me beside Vivi.” Sera says. “I swear I prefer sleeping in the kitchen than close to that woman.”

“Nah, you're fine. You're on the corridor with Solas, Dorian and maybe Cole, if he decides he needs a bedroom. I don't even know if he sleeps, honestly.”

“I do not believe he does.” Solas says.

“You surrounded me with mages and a demon?” Sera says, I think she's angry. “You're joking, yeah?”

“Buttercup, Crystal doesn't joke, you know that.” I think Varric is amused.

“Not joking. I honestly think this is the best layout. The other corridor has rooms for Bull, Vivienne, Varric and Blackwall.”

“I'll change rooms with Vivi yeah? It's better, innit?”

“I don't mind it, it should be interesting to tease the woman on a daily basis. It will keep my sarcasm sharp, don't you think?” Dorian says.

“I do not mind it, Enasa.” Solas says, calmly. He  **really** doesn't mind? Well... I didn't expect that...

“Oh well... what about you guys? Do you prefer Vivienne or Sera?” They all start laughing and point towards the elf. “Alright then, go tell Josephine you'll change rooms with Vivienne, Sera.”

“Do you think Ruffles will even believe her?”

“Hm... well if she doesn't then tell her to send me a message later and I'll talk to her.”

“Bossy.” Sera says while standing up. “I'll go because this is important, yeah?”

“Last I checked I  **am** your boss, Sera.” I chuckle.

“Yeah but you weren't sending me places!”

“No? How about when I told you what to do when we were on the field?”

“That's different! Here it's just... off-hours!”

“Yeah well... I'm in no rush to talk to Josephine, I just came out of there... if you don't mind keeping your room, because you know, she'll send Vivienne's stuff there and all that... you can just sit and enjoy your off-hour.”

“No, I'm not sleeping next to mages and a demon, no no no.” And she walks towards the advisors tent. The others laugh, except for Solas who just smirks.

“So... where have you been, Blackwall?” I ask. “Haven't seen you in a while.” Oh wait... I guess he was around the other day...

“Oh, I've been helping with rebuilding some areas.” He says. “The Commander asked me to check with the recruits and put them to work.”

“I was told there is a lot to fix.”

“True. But we have a lot of good people willing to work too. And we got supply coming in, it shouldn't take much to have the priorities done soon.”

“You seem to be skilled at leading people.” I say, not as nicely as I intended, though.

“Recruited a few Grey Warden. Had to train them.”

“Oh yeah, true.” I decide to shut up before I poke the man. “We'll have a tavern soon.”

“Oh that's awesome!” Bull says. “Having a nice place to drink is good for the morale.”

“That's what I keep hearing.” I say.

“Why don't you drink, Boss?”

“I don't like the burning effect of alcohol. I can only drink some types of wine, and even then I don't drink much.”

“Sensitive even to drink?” Varric asks. “I thought you didn't like the taste.”

“Well, some yeah but it's mainly because of the alcohol burning. And my throat is really sensitive... it can get sore easily... so I'd rather not tempt fate.”

“Crystal indeed.” Dorian says with a chuckle. I shrug with a smile.

We stay there talking about random things, I often stay silent when they talk to Blackwall, I don't trust myself not to say something that could sound suspicious. At some point I decide to ask Solas about my magic training.

“Say, Solas, do you think I can learn healing?” He looks at me with a curious expression, I wonder if he's analyzing me.

“I suppose you could, if your condition does not affect you healing others.”

“You think the fact I can't be healed would prevent me from healing others?”

“It is possible, I do not know what makes you unable to be healed. We would have to try.”

“When can you teach me?”

“We could start now.” He looks past me then. “Or when you are free.”

I turn to look behind me and see a messenger approaching. He greets me and says the advisors require my presence in the tent. I tell him I'll be there soon and then I sigh. I try to stretch and everything clacks. I excuse myself from the group and make my way to the tent.


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with advisors and spending time with Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> 2k hits, wow.. and almost 100 kudos.. I can barely believe it. Thank you everyone! <3

When I approach I hear them arguing, again. I wonder why they've been arguing so much lately. They seem to be arguing about the need of bringing this to my attention, because I'm still injured. I enter the tent and they greet me.

“Sorry to call you again, Inquisitor,” Josephine says, “but a message came and it requires your attention.”

“Sure, no problem.” I say, finding a stool to sit on. “What happened?”

“I'm not sure it is really necessary to do this now, you are still injured after all.” Cullen says.

“The message was vague, indeed, but it seems serious enough. We can't afford to wait and having it escalate.” Leliana says.

“Alright, what is the message?”

“I had sent scouts to the Storm Coast to investigate the area after your findings in Redcliffe,” Leliana answers, “and just a few minutes ago we got the report of smugglers and mercenaries from Tevinter in the area.”

“They were already there, Iron Bull was there fighting them, what changed?” I wonder if they found the red lyrium hideout.

“The report shows they have been moving red lyrium,” she continues, “but the presence of rifts makes it near impossible for our scouts and soldiers to deal with them.”

“So you want me to go there to close the rifts so we can control the area.” She nods.

“But you are still injured, Cassandra told us it was serious.” Cullen says.

“Well, it’s serious, especially since I can't be healed like other people. But I can't say if I really can or not go there, the thing hurts, it's true, I can't really move well, but I also can't just let the world fall apart while my body recovers, can I?”

“But if we lose you we lose the only chance we have against Corypheus!” Cullen says, clearly annoyed. “What you saw in Redcliffe proves as much, without you the world is doomed.”

“Without the mark, not me. But don't worry, I don't plan on dying. I guess what we need is the opinion of a healer. To clear me to go there.”

“I'll send for Solas. He's been taking care of you, he'll be able to say.” Josephine says and goes outside to talk to the messenger.

“I didn't think I would have to leave so soon, though.” I say, a bit more tired than I wanted. “I mean, I hoped I would have time to recover after all that shit...” I sigh. Things move much more faster in real life than in the game.

“I don't agree with sending you there until you are fully recovered.” Cullen says.

“Commander, you know how important this is. The more red lyrium Corypheus has access to, the worse it is for us.” Leliana says.

“Do you think I don't see it? Because of that blighted lyrium we have corrupted Templars doing what they should be protecting people from! But  **she** is the only hope for fixing this mess!”

“Oh come on, guys. I understand both your points, don't argue about it.” I say. “And there isn't really a point in arguing, is there? It will depend on what Solas says after all.” Cullen sighs and Leliana just shifts in place.

It doesn't take long, after a couple of minutes Solas enters the tent. They greet each other and ask him if I'm fit for travel and combat.

“Her injuries are extensive,” Solas says, “but they are already healing. If she does not strain herself, I believe she should be able to travel. However I do not think she will be able to fight as efficiently as before.”

“That should be enough for what we need.” Leliana says. “Your companions could deal with the fighting and you should be able to close the rifts.”

“You do realize it's not easy to keep people safe while fighting under a rift, Leliana?” Cullen says. “You remember Haven, don't you?”

“I do remember, yes, Commander. And I remember she was able to keep herself away from combat when she couldn't defend herself.”

“Why are you two arguing so much lately? God...” I say, a bit annoyed. I look at Solas and sigh. “Alright, we'll leave for the Storm Coast, then. Can I have two days to prepare?”

“I believe that's reasonable.” Leliana says.

“Then we leave in two days. I'm taking everyone except Vivienne, as you probably already knew. Oh, do you know if Adan has already set up shop? I'll need the powder.”

“He is supplying the injured with healing potions,” Josephine says, “and we haven't been able to fix a place for him to work yet, but I believe he should have brought your powders with him from Haven.”

“Right, I'll see him about it then.”

And with that I leave to look for Adan. They take the chance to talk to Solas about the Ocularum. I find Adan in a tent near the healing ward, which for the moment is composed by five large tents.

I ask how he is dealing with the things that happened, and as expected he is shocked for losing Haven, but grateful that we were able to save most people. He gives me the three vials of powders he was able to make back in Haven and I ask him if he needs anything. He gives me a list with herbs and I make it back to my tent so I can leave the vials there.

Seeing my kit reminds me I need to fill the vinegar vials, and I grab the vials and head for the cooks. I spend the rest of the afternoon walking back and forth from my tent to supply places. I leave the armor for Lana to repair and I remember to thank her for the great job, and say that I'm going to miss her wonderful work after Harritt arrives. She is taken aback, clearly not expecting me to say such thing, but she says that Harritt is a very talented man, that his reputation precedes him, and should be able to provide me with the best there is. I tell her I'll believe it when I see it, that for the moment she is the most talented blacksmith I've seen. Which is true, the things she makes are works of art, my latest armor a perfect example of it.

 

I go spend some time with Reast and even give some attention to Amelan. I notice they don't have designs on their horns, and I always thought it was so beautiful when they had it. I try to keep in mind to ask Solas how I could draw some silver vines on Reast's horns, or even if I should. It crosses my mind that maybe that is another thing the Dalish got wrong and it ends up being a bad thing just like a vallaslin. If it ends up being right to do it, I wonder if they even have silver paint.

I spend some long minutes with the harts, but then the tiredness catches up to me and I'm forced to leave them and find a place to sit down, or maybe even lay down. Solas said he would teach me healing but I don't know where he could be, and honestly, I'm not sure I have energy in me to learn magic. I wouldn't mind his company though, definitely wouldn't. Just to think that he likes me still feels so absurd. I still feel like this is a dream and I'm going to wake up at any moment.

Walking back I realize there isn't really any nice place to lay down and admire the view, I don't think the battlements are safe enough to go to at this time. There is still so much rubble around, and the way my legs are clumsy I would probably get into an accident. And I'm leaving in two days, I can't afford to get hurt. I don't feel really social so I don't want to go sit with the others by the fire, I don't want to stay in the tent either. I end up heading to the forest.

 

Just as I enter the area I realize the place doesn't have any lighting. The moon isn't bright enough to light the place and the trees are really tall. Well, no entering the woods. I don't feel any Veilfire to summon and I don't know how to summon light, so I just stay by the stairs. I sit down and try to get comfortable, which ends up making me lay down on the side and use my arm as pillow. The sound of insects chirping and frogs croaking makes the place very relaxing. As dew wets the grass and leaves, the scent of the plants makes me feel like I belong here.

I don't know for how long I stay there, my mind strangely peaceful doesn't think about anything. At some point I hear the door and I feel Solas' presence. I don't move, I'm too comfortable.

“Did they send you after me?” I ask, still looking at the trees.

“They worry you could have injured yourself, I offered to look for you.”

“Do I hurt that easily? Nevermind... I do.” I chuckle.

I notice him sitting down beside me, and soon after his hand is on my shoulder. I turn to look at him. His back is against the wooden beam and his legs slightly bent in front of his body. I wonder how good a pillow he would make, but I don't have the confidence to ask him.

“You're staying then?”

“If you do not mind my presence.” He says with his usual expression; which means I got no idea what it means.

“Solas, you're the only person I could always have beside me.” I say before I could think and I blush, looking away from him.

“Good to know.” He stays quiet for a minute or so. “Are you comfortable there?”

“As comfortable as I can get.”

“I remember you saying you are not used to be touched, however you seemed not to mind when I embraced you.”

“Well... how do I say this?” I take a deep breath, still looking away from him. “There are two  situations I wouldn't mind a hug: cats and the person I love.”

“Then come here.” I look at him, surprise on my face. I know he was very... close to Lavellan whenever he had a private moment; he seems to really enjoy touching, but somehow I still find it weird that I'm the target of his attentions. “I am quite sure I am more comfortable than the ground.” He chuckles and I laugh.

I sit up and move closer to him, I don't really know what he wants me to do. He makes room between his legs and motions with his head on its direction. I don't think he wants me to sit on his lap otherwise he would have closed his legs, right? He wants me to sit between them? He seems amused at my hesitation.

“Does it make you uncomfortable?” He finally asks.

“I... don't really know what I'm supposed to do.” He seems surprised but then smiles and pulls me gently towards him, I let him move me and I end up between his legs, my back against his chest. My heart starts hammering inside my chest.

“Does this bother you?” His voice so close to my ear makes my body burn. I thought the hormones were back to normal, but this is not normal. Well, I haven't ever been this close to someone either.

“No... I... er...” I'm pretty sure my face is completely red, I feel it burning. Even my ears are burning, I bet they're red too. I sigh. “On the contrary... I... like it.”

“Good.” He embraces my belly with one arm and the other caresses my hair. This is so weird. But I like it, a lot. His scent is amazing as always, and he is so warm. “You are tempting, did you know?”

“Tempting?” I got no idea what he is talking about.

“You are very soft, it tempts me to squeeze you.”

“Oh... well... guess that explains why you hugged me tight whenever you did.”

“Did I hurt you?”

“No... I don't know how you did it... but you didn't hurt me.”

“That is a relief. I do not want to cause you pain.”

Then don't ever leave me. It's what I want to tell him. But I manage to hold it back, I know he will have to leave at some point. I just hope that I can really go with him later.

“You know... there are people where I come from who think you like to cause the girls pain.”

“What do you mean? They agree with the Dalish that I am evil?”

“No... nothing like that...” How do I say this... “They... er... they create stories about the game, and in those stories they make you... rough... like... they wouldn't write you gentle... they write you as a dominating and harsh man who takes pleasure in seeing your lover in pain from your actions. The girls like when he does it to them, though.”

“Do you believe I would do that to you?”

“Well, I never saw you as that kind of person, and seeing how you are so nice and gentle to me, I don't think you would be like that.”

“I would never do anything you do not want me to. And I believe you already go through too much pain.”

“Is that supposed to make me believe you are not against being... rough?”

“Only if you want me to be. I can see the appeal, I have met people who enjoyed it.” That reminds me about how old he is, and how great the amount of women he had been with probably is.

“Does it bother you that I am... so much younger than you?” He laughs.

“I would believe the chances of you worrying about me are higher.” He caresses my cheek and I realize I have been caressing his hand on my belly for a while. “When someone is as old as I, they cannot expect to meet another close to their age. And your qualities are much more important than the years you have lived. I have met people centuries old who did not possess half your wisdom or intelligence, much less your determination.”

“Heh, I don't see myself as that, though.”

“You should really see you for who you are.”

“I try... but it's not easy. I'll try harder.”

We stay in silence for a few minutes. Being like this with him is amazing... specially that now I can feel when he is happy, and god, he  **is** happy and this makes me even happier. To know that I'm able to soothe some of his worries and the pain he carries inside is simply amazing.

“Since you brought this topic,” he says after a while, “would you like if I was rough to you?”

“Not really... no. I mentioned it because being like this with you... it's... amazing, really. And I don't understand how people could like a rough version of you.”

“People like different things.”

“I know. Well...” I laugh, “there is something I like that people always thought was wicked.”

“Hm? What is it?” I can almost see his smirk in his question, which makes me laugh more.

“I like veins. When they're visible under the skin, and when they are bumped too. I  **really** love them.” I laugh.

“And why people thought that is wicked? Although you should be careful when you mention that, people may believe you a blood mage.” I laugh harder.

“Oh, that's true.” It's hard to stop laughing, but I manage to calm down. “But the wicked is because I not only like them, I... you see, when I see them, it makes me want to... well... er... lick them...” And bite and suck the skin over them...

“Oh. And why is that?”

“I don't really know... I just always thought that was extremely tempting. I guess just the way you want to squeeze me for being soft.”

“Then you must like yourself, for your skin shows many of your veins.”

“Heh, yeah. I do like that. One of the reasons I hate being tan.”

“You know you have acquired a bit of a tan, do you not?”

“Not really, I haven't seen myself in a mirror in quite a while. But I imagine I would have; going around like I have in the past weeks. I'm probably orange by now.” He chuckles.

“Yes. A little.”

It's weird... and sudden, but I have the urge to say it... and I muster the courage to. “Solas...”

“Hm?” I tilt my head up then, and my nose nudges his chin. He is so close. I sigh and my chest only gets tighter. I bring my hand to his cheek, caressing it softly. His skin is so soft too.

“ _ I love you. _ ” I say and I see his eyes changing somehow, I don't know what that means, but he smiles and his smile is just the most beautiful thing in the world. His hand on my face holds me and he brings his lips to mine. And we stay like that for some minutes; kissing and caressing each other, in the peace of the veranda, where it's just me and him. Right now there is nothing else in the world. And I wouldn't change it for anything.


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace and Solas get closer and she meets new spirits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I went to sleep at 99 and woke up to 103 kudos! This is awesome <3 Thank you and I'm really happy you like it! Knowing I'm writing something you all enjoy is amazing. <3  
> A little warning, just in case, I don't plan on warning when it happens next time so I don't spoil anything, the story is tagged for M after all. Things will start getting.. heated.. between them from now on. Hope you continue to like it! <3

As it happened the other times we kissed, it didn’t stay calm for long. He seems to be starving for touch and hell, I love it too. To better kiss him I have to leave my place between his legs, and I end up sitting on his lap. He helps me turn, grabbing my thighs and I feel his hand going up to my butt, but he doesn't linger there for long. We are so close that I can feel him aroused under me. It makes me self-conscious and I feel a bit anxious but it's not enough to make me stop kissing him. Sucking his lips and tongue is just amazing, and I feel my body burning more and more. Whenever he does the same to mine I get shivers and I want to bite him.

I don't know when his hands made it there, but at some point I feel one of his hands on my back and the other on my breast. I can't help moaning, and it kind of brings me back to reality. I get nervous then. I want to be closer to him, I want him touching me, hell I want to touch all of him, but I don't think I'm prepared for this, and specially not here, when anybody could catch us. He seems to notice my discomfort and removes his hands, caressing my cheek to get my attention.

“I apologize, my emotions got the best of me.” He says, a little breathless.

“Don't apologize,” I say with a small smile but then I can't keep looking at him, I'm embarrassed. I lay my head on his shoulder, “I liked it.”

“I am glad you did. Regardless, this is not the time or place, and I should not have lost my sense.”

“Solas...” I say on the crook of his neck and I think he shivers, I can feel goosebumps rising under my cheek. “I... it's alright, really. It seems we got fire in us.” I laugh.

“And you only make it harder when you stay there. You know that, do you not?” He says while running his fingers through my hair.

“What do you mean?”

“You really do not know?”

“No?”

“When you talk so close to my ear, with your breath so close to my neck... it is... tempting.”

“Oh... sorry...” I say and was about to remove my head from his shoulder when I decide to be a little wicked and tempt him further. Hell, I always wanted to do this. Why wait? “What about this?” I kiss his neck, and lick the smooth skin. He tastes good. I run my teeth softly so I don't hurt him and I can't hold back, I end up licking him more and have to control myself not to suck his neck or I would probably leave a mark there. I wonder how it would feel to bite him. He could heal, right? Anyway, I shouldn't do it. He gets tenser, though. His hand on my head holding me tighter and the hand on my lower back gripping my skin.

“You...” he is panting, “are wicked indeed.” I laugh, still close to his neck, and that seems to be too much for him. He pulls my head back and kisses me again. I don't know how long we stay like that, kissing each other with that heated desire that never goes further, but eventually we part. I know he is hard, and hell, I'm wet. I can smell the scent, I wonder how that must be for him.

“We should go have dinner,” he says, breathless still, “specially you. You need to recover and we are leaving for the Storm Coast soon.” He runs a hand on his face.

“Yeah... I know. God... why is it like this? I want to stay like this with you forever, Solas.”

“That would be good,” he says and then his smile turns a really beautiful sly one, “but I have better ways to spend eternity with you.” I laugh hard and hell, I shouldn't have. The movements of my body while I'm still sitting on his lap, so close to his erection while  **I'm** aroused too... it just... ugh... I end up hissing. I want to rub myself against him, but I control myself and instead I try to stand up. It's not really easy, my legs are a bit clumsy, and he has to help me get out of his lap.

I don't want to walk away yet, though, so I just sit beside him and stretch, careful not to get cramps anywhere.

“Something wrong?” He asks, still sitting.

“Just... I thought I would have more time to rest before having to leave again. And I haven't even learnt any new spells, or how to ride the hart, which means I'll be on the horse again. And the Storm Coast rains a lot...” I sigh and run my hands through my hair, tucking the strands behind the ears.

“The group is a big one, you will be fine. It will not be the same as resting here, but we will make sure you do not strain yourself and are able to recover.”

“In other words, I'll be a burden.”

“You are no burden. Your situation is different than others' and has to be treated as such.”

“You are too nice.”

“There are those who would disagree. You should stop thinking low of yourself. Come, you need to eat. You have been out here for too long.”

“Fine... fine.” I stand up and follow him back to the courtyard.

 

We go get food and sit by the fire where the others are talking cheerfully. The only ones absent are Vivienne and Cole. They greet us and I notice a weird expression on Bull's face, but he doesn't say anything and neither do I.

“You guys seem to be having fun.” I say after I sit down.

“Yeah, Tiny was telling us stories of his contracts.” Varric says and then drinks some of his stuff.

“Oh, does it rival your stories with Hawke?” I ask with a smile.

“Of course not! Those are best sellers or have you forgotten?” Varric laughs.

“Well, I guess you could take that as a challenge Iron Bull,” I say, “and get those stories of yours into books too.”

“Nah I don't have that talent, Boss.”

“Hey Varric, what if you wrote his stories? You two could work together.”

“You know... that might just work. Hey Tiny, if you're up to it I could give it a try.” Varric smirks. “What do you say?”

“I'll think about it.” That's all Bull says before turning the whole mug. “I'll go get another one. Anyone wants another round?”

“Yeah send one my way!” Sera says and I notice she's already a bit drunk.

“Who wants to play Wicked Grace?” Varric says, pulling his cards from his pocket.

“Not me, you know I don't play.” I say.

“Oh come on, Grace! Join us!” Sera says.

“Nope. Sorry. I'm a terrible liar and not even lucky. I'm not playing.”

“You're no fun.” Sera pouts and I chuckle.

“I don't mind watching you guys play, though.”

“Are you in, Chuckles?” I look at Solas to see him shaking his head.

“I am not a gambler anymore.” He answers calmly.

“It's never too late to get back to those old habits, you know?” Varric smirks.

“That is not one of those habits I would go back to, Varric.” The dwarf sighs at his answer.

“You all are in then?” Varric turns to the others and they nod, even Cassandra. “Alright, we wait for Tiny and we can start.

And after Bull comes back, Varric deals the cards and they play three rounds, Bull wins two and Varric one. They talk a lot while playing, and it's indeed a good opportunity to get to know each other. I don't talk much, but both Dorian and Bull seem to be curious about my speech yesterday. They think it doesn't make sense not to make distinction between people, specially Dorian. And that is hardly surprising. I say:

“It's not that hard to understand, really, unless you're too proud to believe another person is worth the same as you. And for what I've heard of the Qun, it surprises me that you don't see this, Iron Bull.” He only looks at me more attentively. “You see, I don't agree with the Qun, controlling people and all that. But one thing they got right: every role is important in the society. We are all cogs in the big machine that is the world, and if one of those cogs stops working, it risks damaging the machine in a way that it won't work anymore.” Dorian frowns. “The food we eat only is available to us because someone planted, took care of the fields, harvested, traded around the villages. Then someone cleaned it, cooked it. The stuff we use to eat were crafted by someone. The weapons we use to fight were crafted by the blacksmith, who got the materials from the merchant, who only had it because someone mined it. We aren't more than them because we use the final work, what we do wouldn't be possible without them.”

“Damn you Grace,” Dorian says, “if I dare argue with you after that I'll be acting stupid. That isn't fair, my Altus title is offended.” I laugh.

“Well Dorian, what do you prefer? Being smart and nice or proud and stupid?”

“How about smart, nice and proud?” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“Sorry, that option isn't possible.” I smirk.

“Are you sure you don't want to join the Qun, Boss?” Bull smirks.

“Adamantly so. The Qun and me would never get along. You know how I defend freedom and mages, it would never work.” And I end up yawning, lifting a hand to cover my mouth. “Oh well... I didn't realize I was tired. Guess I'll go sleep guys, don't forget to prepare for the Storm Coast.”

“Urgh... more rain.” Varric complains and I hear Dorian mumbling something.

“Good night.” I say and head for the tent.

“I should check on your back before you sleep.” Solas says while following me.

 

I take off my shirt as soon as I'm inside and wait for Solas to get his kit. After he takes off the bandages I feel his breath on my shoulder, and but a few seconds later he is kissing it, then licking the way up to my neck. I shiver and squirm away from  him. My neck is extremely sensitive, I can't take it.

“What-what are you doing?” I turn to look at him, forgetting I don't have anything to cover my breasts now. I see his amused face, then I notice when he looks down to my breasts and I realize the state I'm in and cover myself with my arms.

“Retribution for earlier.” He smirks. I squint and sigh. “You seem to be sensitive there.”

“Er... yeah...” I look at the ground, uncomfortable. I don't really know what I should do.

“Come, let me look at your injuries.”

“You won't do that again, right?” I see he is still amused.

“Not tonight.” I'm a bit taken aback, but I move closer to him and turn my back, letting him treat the wounds. After he cleans the skin he says: “The cuts from the demon have closed, but the puncture from Haven is still fresh. It seems it will take another week before healing completely.”

“Well... that seems to be the average time to heal deep wounds.”

“If you do strenuous exercise or sudden movements with your hip it might reopen, the stitches may not hold.” He says while applying poultice.

“I wonder how I'm going to get on the horse then.”

“I believe you will require help to do it, like before.” I sigh.

“It seems so.” I yawn again. “Damn... sleepy. Is it that late?”

“No, but you have not rested as much as you should have after everything that happened.”

“Yeah that's true. I was like what? Three days without sleep? Only with short naps? It's a miracle I haven't collapsed for two weeks after closing the Breach.”

“Indeed. However, you are stronger than you were when you closed the largest rift.” He says while bandaging my hips. Guess I won't have the bandages to hide my breasts anymore.

“How long has it been since? You know?”

“I believe it has been around two months and a half.”

That sounds like so little time, but it feels like so much time has passed, specially when my days on Earth were blended into the next. Now everything is so intense, with a lot of things happening.

“I have seduced you in less than three months? Wow... unbelievable. And I wasn't even trying.” I laugh, thinking just how absurd it was.

“You still do not believe it is real.” He says, calmly.

“Solas... you got any idea how absurd it is to find out the man I always wanted wants me too? Someone that wasn't supposed to even see me as a person? Much less come to like me? And hell... I'm not even that beautiful. I know I'm not ugly, but still. You could have anyone you wanted.”

“And fortunately I do.” He says, caressing both my arms, which surprises me.

“I don't understand how it's possible. I really don't.”

“It is possible, it is true. However, it is hard to explain, I feel like I have known you a long time.” He says, his right hand on my hair now. “And not only that, it feels as if I had been away from you for much longer. As you said, when I am near you your presence makes me whole. When I am away from you I feel as if a part of me is gone. I have found a part of myself I did not know was missing.” His words are so intense and ring so true that I want to cry. And I feel the same. How could this happen? The things he showed me in the Fade, he was harboring feelings for a while, small ones that only grew with time. I can't understand how he can like  **me** .

I definitely should stop the self-loathing, but I don't even know how. I remember Love's words: see your worth. If I value others I should value myself too. I know everything I've done. I know how hard I have worked to have everything turn out for the better. I am a good person. Kindness said as much. If I can do so much and have it valued by others, why shouldn't I value myself as well? I take a deep breath, and I turn to him, chest bare and not caring. I need to see his face.

“You mean everything to me.” I say with a smile. “This relationship with you still feels like a dream, it’s still absurd, but I'm  **so** glad it's happening.” I caress his cheek. “Having you with me, saying those words, this life doesn't even feel like a punishment anymore.” I don't know what the expression on his face means, but he seems to be completely focused on me. “They told me I have every chance for happiness if I worked for it, hell... I guess I worked?” I chuckle and he smiles.

“You have such a rare and marvelous spirit. Your heart is so pure.” He says with the gentlest expression I have ever seen. His eyes look at me with so much emotion. He kisses me gently, then we can't help making it heated again after a couple of minutes. His left hand ends up on my butt and he pulls me closer. My breasts rub against his shirt and I gasp. He pulls away then. “I am sorry, I should let you sleep. And you would make it easier for me if you put on a shirt.” He smirks and I laugh, covering the breasts with my arms.

“Sorry, I wanted to look at you and didn't even care there was nothing covering me.” I think I'm blushing despite my bold actions. He shakes his head with a smile.

“ _ Dream well, Enasa.  _ I might not visit you in the Fade tonight.” He says standing by the tent's flap.

“I'll see you in the morning then.  _ Good night, Solas _ .” He nods and leaves. I get ready for bed and enter the Fade as soon as I'm comfortable.

 

I am surprised when I open my eyes to the beach. The energy is completely different than before. It is...  **full** ... like... too many emotions, too many effects on my mind and body. It doesn't take me long to realize what is different: there is a  **lot** of new spirits. Among them I recognize Kindness, Love, Creativity and Inspiration. There are five more I've never seen before. My friends approach me and one after the other they hug me.

“I have to thank you, Grace.” Kindness says with a big smile. “Thanks to you many spirits were saved. I know you were worried about Wisdom, but as I thought, many others were at risk too. The Dales is still a dangerous place for peaceful spirits, the war makes it too difficult. Many of my friends were confused and some were even trapped. Thanks to arriving in time we could save them.” Her news make me so happy. I'm really glad she could save them.

“Oh Kindness, I'm so happy it all worked out!” I say with a bright smile.

“We brought some of them for you to meet,” she says and turns to point to the other five, “the others are shy or unused to talking to people, but these wanted to meet the person who guided me to them.” I nod at them with a smile, not really sure how to greet them. They approach and thank me.

“There is no need to thank me, I'm really glad you all could receive help.” I don't wish what happened to Wisdom in the game to anyone.

“Let me introduce them,” Kindness says, “this is Knowledge.” She points with her hand to a tall elven woman in a hooded robe. “This is Curiosity,” she points to a spirit that looks like a twelve-year-old elven boy wearing a simple tunic, leggings that stop on his knees and footwraps. He seems to be the excited sort, much like Creativity. “This is Patience,” she points to an elven man with braided hair, he sort of reminds me of Abelas, without the vallaslin. He is wearing a robe similar to Knowledge, but he has a cloak. “This is Purpose,” she points to a strong elven man with his arms crossed on his chest, he seems to be very serious, determined. He is wearing a breastplate over a long tunic. “And this is Wisdom,” she points to the elven woman with long hair, wearing a really delicate dress. Her face is really serene.


	68. Chapter 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to the new spirits and learning new spells.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)

“It's a pleasure meeting all of you, I'm honored, really.” I say, full of emotions. “I never thought I would meet so many great spirits.” They look at me with comforting smiles.

“And I believe the more you grow, the more you accept yourself, more will come to see you.” Love says. “I am really happy for you, my friend. You are stronger, and wiser, and you even began to value yourself.”

“Heh... I guess. A lot happened.”

“Indeed.” Inspiration says. “And you have inspired many people with your speech that day. Many are still blind, but you have opened the heart and minds of others. We can do great things, my friend.”

“I hope we can.” I say with a smile. “Knowledge, Curiosity, Patience, Purpose, Wisdom, am I what you expected?” I chuckle a bit embarrassed.

“I can feel your thirst for knowledge,” Knowledge says, “and I believe we will be good friends. I could teach you all I know and we can search for more together.”

“I would love that!” I say with a big smile. I can't wait for it. There must be a lot of things to learn from her.

“And I can help you both search, I'm sure we can find a lot of interesting things while you travel. And you travel a lot. This will be fun.” Curiosity says with an excited expression and a big smile.

“Your curiosity won't get me in trouble, right?” I chuckle, remembering the saying where I come from: the curiosity killed the cat.

“Oh don't worry,” he says waving his hand, “can't enjoy what we find if we're reckless. I'm curious, not stupid!” We laugh.

“That's good to know.” I say with a smile.

“I noticed you have difficulty focusing, even with Love's help.” Purpose says.

“Well... I'm better at it, though.”

“She says you have improved. And I believe her. However, I can only help you if you set your mind on a goal. You have many things you wish to do, that is a good thing. But you can't wish to do them all at the same time. You are a single person, even if you could live forever, you still must do one thing at a time. Focus on a goal, and I will help you achieve it.”

“Thank you very much, Purpose. I will try to do it.”

“And I believe I can help you on that as well.” Patience says. “With Love's lessons and my help you should be able to focus enough on the moment, to wait for the right opportunity to act, to learn to observe and listen.”

“Well, I think I'm already patient enough on those topics.” I say a bit confused.

“You are, however, you can lose yourself to anxiety, and in those moments you panic and can't think clearly on what you must do. You are too eager for results, and forget that you have to cross a path before you reach your destination.”

“That is true.” I run my hands through my hair. “Wow... so much help I'm getting from you all.” It's almost overwhelming.

“And I am going to help you use all that help for the best, just as you have been using your knowledge of this world to help others.” Wisdom says.

“You know about that?” I ask, curious. Is she the one Kindness told me that knew about what kind of person I am?

“Yes. I have heard much from the others, and by reading your aura as well. Solas also said much.”

“Wait, are you the Wisdom Solas went to help?” She is, isn't she? Oh my god.

“I am. And I am forever grateful. Thanks to you not only I was saved, but all my friends who were with me as well. And you have prevented deep pain in his heart. I could never thank you enough. He suffers so much for his actions, I did not want to add to his grief.” I'm filled with so much emotion that I don't even know what to say. I want to hug her. She seems to notice it and opens her arms for me. I give two steps ahead then and hug her. She has such a peaceful aura.

“This is such a nice moment, don't you all agree?” Love says, her voice full of emotion.

After I calm down I let go of her embrace and I can only say “I'm so happy to see all of you. Old friends and new.” I notice I'm crying, tears of joy running down my cheeks. I never had such true friendship, people that were happy to be around me, that I was happy to be around. People that I could consider my family. I feel like I really belong here. I don't know how many lives I've lived since my spirit was created, how many times I have reincarnated, but this surely feels like the best life I've ever lived.

They circle me in what would be a group hug, but the group is too big. Still, it is nice. We sit down on the sand then, and they tell me each a little about themselves, what they usually do and stuff like that. The wisps come closer and cheer around us. It is really nice. My beach was never so happy before. Too bad Solas isn't here tonight. And just as that thought crosses my mind I feel his energy. I turn my head and see him with a shocked expression.

“How...” is all he manages to say before I start laughing, and then almost everyone laughs too.

“Come here.” I say, extending a hand for him. Kindness and Inspiration scooch to the side to make room so Solas can sit between them. He does and holds my hand. “They came to meet me.”

“I could never expect such a big meeting.” He says, still surprised. His eyes are wide, and he looks at Wisdom then. “I was planning on introducing her to you tomorrow, but when I went to search for you I felt you here. I thought it was a mistake, but then...” I chuckle.

“I was surprised when I saw them too. They were all here waiting for me.” He tilts his head in surprise then.

“It must have been quite the sight.” He says.

“I am sorry I did not wait for you, my friend.” Wisdom says. “The others were excited to meet her, and I must say I was as well, so I took the opportunity to come with them.”

“Do not worry, I am happy for this. Enasa, you will have the greatest opportunity to grow that anyone has ever had in recent ages.”

“I know, and I'm really honored.” I say, looking at them. “I hope to be able to learn, and improve and do the best for everyone.”

“And so you shall, for I have seen how much you devote yourself to the cause.” He says.

 

We stay there until it's time to wake up. They introduce each other and we talk about many things. When it's time to wake up Solas gives me a quick kiss and leaves. The other spirits leave too, leaving only Love behind with me.

“I am so happy for you, Grace.” She says. “When Inspiration told me you were going to tell him the truth I could only come and help you tell him everything along with him.”

“So you  **did** help me.” I say with a smile. Back then I thought I felt her help but I wasn't sure.

“Yes. I said I would, and I did.” She smiles. “And when he came to tell you, I confess I watched it. Such pure and strong emotion. He really loves you.” That shocks me. He hasn't said the words. “He is not prepared to let himself completely in, it has been a long time for him. But do not fear.” She holds my hands and says with a really kind smile: “He will tell you soon, I am sure of it. And I am sure you feel his feelings for you. Don't you?”

“I... well... I know he is happy when he’s with me.” I say a little embarrassed.

“And that he is. You will know when you feel the whole extent of his feelings. But I should let you wake up now. You have much work to do. We will meet again soon.”

“Thank you for everything, Love.” I say and she nods, then leaves.

I look at the wisps, who feel that I want to share my happiness with them and circle me. I turn around a few times, cheering and laughing with them. This has been such a great night. And then after a few minutes I wake up.

I open my eyes feeling so relaxed and cheered up. I could never have expected that kind of meeting. I'm not a party person but I wonder if we could have a party there, it would be fun. I go through my morning routine while I think about what I should do today. I already got the supplies I would need for the road, I have to wait until the armor is fixed, it should be delivered when it's done so I don't have to worry. Maybe I can get Solas to teach me some basic spells? Realizing I don't even know how to summon light makes me feel even worse as a mage. I hope he isn't busy and doesn't mind.

 

I get breakfast and see Dorian, Cassandra, Bull and Solas by the fire. They greet me when I approach and I sit beside Solas who gives me a nice smile.

“How's the hangover, guys?” I ask with a chuckle. Dorian laughs.

“I heard Sera is passed out, she'll probably have a massive headache when she awakes.” The Tevinter says.

“The day a drink can give me a hangover will be the end of the world, Boss.” Bull laughs.

“Did you heal yours with magic, Dorian?” I ask.

“I don't get hangovers my dear, I was bred for perfection.” He says with such a smug expression. I don't believe him, though. I bet he healed himself. He didn't drink that much it's true, but still more than is safe.

“Right.” I say with a raised eyebrow, showing him I don't believe him. He waves his hand.

“Have you gotten everything ready for the travel, Grace?” Cassandra asks.

“Yeah, I can rest until tomorrow if nothing shows up.” Then I remember I want to train. “Or not... Solas, can you teach me basic spells? I realized yesterday I don't even know how to summon light.” I chuckle and Dorian gasps.

“Are you serious? The Herald of Andraste can't even light her own path? This is ludicrous! My dear why haven't you told me before? I could have taught you! It's so simple.”

“Solas is her personal teacher, Dorian, or haven't you noticed it?” Bull says with a smirk. “Even yesterday she asked him to teach her healing. I bet it doesn't even cross her mind to ask another mage to teach her.” I'm sure I blush.

“Er... well... thank you for the offer, Dorian. But yeah... it didn't cross my mind at all.”

“And why haven't you taught her such basic thing? You know that much don't you? Your offensive spells are good, you must know the basics.” Dorian seems upset, too upset. It's weird. Why so protective of what I know?

“Although you are right that it is a simple spell, you fail to realize the condition she often is in. I cannot teach her spells when her body needs time to recover. And it was more pressing that she learned how to defend herself.” Solas says very patiently, I wonder how he can have such self control; I notice he got upset with Dorian's outburst. The Tevinter sighs.

“Hmpf, you are right about that. Grace we have to find a way to make you more resistant.”

“Heh, don't I know that? I wish it was simple. Solas with all his healing knowledge doesn't know what to do, because my body is unaffected by healing magic. Josephine had scholars from the University to research my condition, and they only knew about the anaemia.”

“Such complicated person, our Herald.” Dorian sighs again.

“By the way, Iron Bull, I hope you haven't told your people about my situation?” I ask him and he has a plain face.

“Of course not Boss, I don't think they would trust you to fix the problem of the Breach if they knew, and they would want to launch an invasion if they thought so.”

“Hmm. I hope they don't find out then, I don't want an invasion on my account. Things are already too bad as they are.”

“The Qun isn't that bad, Boss. But I don't think an invasion would be a good thing either. Too many people would die.”

“Too many people would die and the ones who remain would be trapped in a rigid system that tells them they are tools, not people. That doesn't look good to me at all.” Bull sighs.

“I’ve had this talk with Solas before, it seems you two are perfect for each other after all.” I look at Solas then, he looks at me and nods with a smile.

“We value freedom, Iron Bull. Freedom to think, to choose, to learn. The Qun would strip people of everything they are and tell them they are nothing more than it needs them to be.” I sigh. “But now that you know what I think, tell me, do you think you would continue to like the Chargers if they were not who they are? If they were converted to the Qun and put under the roles the Qun chooses for them?”

“That... the answer wouldn't be simple, Boss.” He seems... pained?

“Then think about it. Take a look around, watch people as you do so well, but while you do it think about their motives, their feelings. And imagine how they would be if they were under the Qun, if they would still have the motives and feelings, the determination to go after their dreams, the passion to be with their friends and loved ones.” Hell... I talked a lot... guess Inspiration helped me here?

“Alright Boss. I'll think about it.”

“Good.” I give him a smile and I notice the others are looking at me with surprised faces. I got no idea why, and I don't really want to ask. “Can you teach me those spells now, Solas? Or are you busy?”

“I will start working on that research after we come back, so I have time to teach you until we leave for the Storm Coast.”

“Oh, nice!” I smile excited. Hopefully I'll learn a lot of new spells. “Where are we doing it?”

“I don't mind public shows but I suspect you would prefer a private place.” Bull says with a smirk and Cassandra “Urgh” at him. I tilt my head with a frown in confusion.

“What?”

“Doing it.” Dorian says with his fingers motioning quotation marks.

“Oh, Bull you're rotten. God...” I say, standing up. Solas also stands up, but calmly. “I don't know who is worse, you or Sera.”

“Don't forget Varric.” Cassandra says.

“Varric doesn't tease my about  **these** topics.”

“Well, that is true.” She says.

“Anyway... lead the way Solas...” I say and he nods before walking towards the stables. I'm a bit confused, but I follow. I can still catch Bull saying “Can't say the same about what will make into his book, though.” And that gets me thinking: the book he wanted to write about my love life is on the same line as Swords and Shields, which Cassandra says is smutty literature. God... he's going to write smut about me and Solas. My stomach drops.

“Are you well?” Solas stops and asks. I notice we are past the stables, on the way to the mounts' exercise camp.

“Yeah... just... something I realized a little too late. It's nothing bad, though. Well... I hope not.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Sure... just... let's get to where you're taking me first.” He nods and continues. We stop at the center of the camp, he pulls over two logs with his magic and sits on one, motioning for me to sit on the other in front of him.

“What is troubling you?” He asks, calmly.

“Remember when Varric used to tease me about you?” He nods. “Well, he wanted to use me as subject for one of his books. Not the one on the Inquisition, but a romance novel. He kept teasing me about you... and... Cullen.” He raises his eyebrows.

“The Commander? Why?”

“Well, Cullen seems to have a following, and he thought I might like him like the other women do.”

“Oh, I see. In that part of the game you showed me your character was flirting with him.” He tilts his head. “Were you interested in him when you saw him here?” Is he... jealous? Nah... he couldn't be... I told him I always loved him...

“No, he is handsome alright, but as I told Varric, my heart was taken, even before I came here.”

“'The man from before?'” I'm surprised he remembers.

“Yes.” I laugh. “I told you, I... loved you even before I knew you were real.”

“And then you said you did not miss that man anymore.”

“How can I miss someone who is beside me? And who is so much better than what I had then?” I see his expression softening, and I smile. “After I told that to Varric though, he started teasing me more. Eventually I told him I liked you, but that it was unrequited. I was sure you wouldn't like me. But he wanted his book, so he kept teasing anyway.”

“Many times I heard you telling him to get his inspiration from imagination because you would be alone forever.” I think he seems a bit pained.

“Well, that's what I believed. I could never love anyone else, and if you wouldn't love me, I would be alone.” His eyes get wide. I chuckle. “It's great that the reality turned out to be something completely different.”

“And now he is writing about... us? Why does it worry you?”

“Well... it's not exactly worry... it's just... weird. You see... the kind of book he wants to write... I haven't realized it until now... it's similar to Swords and Shields. I haven't read it yet, but... it's... er... smutty literature.” His expression goes from slight shock to amusement. “You think it's amusing? Really? That he would write about...  **that** ?”

“I do not think whatever he could come up with would be close to reality in any event. However, he can still entertain his readers.” Seriously? What is that even supposed to mean? “Why do you worry?”

“It's... weird... to have someone writing that kind of thing about me...” I sigh. “I'm a shy person, you know? And then he goes and makes people imagine things like that about me?”

“You know he will not use your name, neither mine.” He seems curious. What is he curious about? Geez.

“Still...  **I** will know it's me who is in that situation.” He chuckles. “Why are you laughing?”

“You are adorable.” I frown. “Your shyness restrains you from saying the word even when you harbor mischievous thoughts.” He smirks. I think I blush.

“Well... I... er... you know... I'm... not used to this.”

“If it bothers you this much you should tell him not to write it. I am sure he would understand.” I sigh.

“I suppose I should... but now that I think better about it... my... er... wicked... side... wants to read what he comes up with.” He laughs.

“I assure you it would never account for reality.” He is smirking. Why is he being so smug? He doesn't act like that in front of the others. Is he comfortable enough with me now?

“I suppose I'll have to wait and see for myself someday.” Oh... wait... what did I just say? Oh shit. I take a side glance at him and I can't read his expression. “Well... magic? Right? Teach me the basics?

“ _ Of course. _ ” And we stay there until it's time for lunch. The spells are indeed very simple, it doesn't take much effort and are really easy to cast. I learn how to summon light, how to use the Fade to clear the surface of dirt, just like he did in Haven when he cleared the snow and how to set something simple on fire, like lighting a log. Then he teaches me how to put it out. He also teaches me how to control the amount of energy and force while doing spells, in case I want to cast them stronger or weaker depending on the situation. Thanks to my increased focus I am able to learn such control. I wonder if I'll be able to learn that spell to clean myself soon. He teaches me how to connect to the energy of the nature, saying that this will be the base for the elemental spells he plans on teaching me in the future. I can say it's amazing to feel the nature's energy, as if I'm one with it. If the spirits in the Fade are my family, the nature is simply my body. It's awesome.

After he is satisfied that I can connect to the nature enough for future lessons we go back to have lunch.


	69. Chapter 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I can't express enough how much I like seeing your comments! So thank you for letting me know what you think! <3  
> And it's curious, really, to see how this story is evolving.. when I first started it I was adamant on my decision not to head into smut territory.. then Grace started giving me second thoughts.. I asked you all and some friends and couldn't get a majority vote so I decided to wait and see.. well.. you'll see what happened in a few chapters.  
> Thank you all for reading and I'm happy you like it! <3

As we get food I notice it's just the regular group around the fire. Blackwall is probably out working with the soldiers or something like that. When we sit down around the others, Varric is the first to talk. “I asked you once, and I  **have** to ask you this again, Crystal: Don't you get distracted when he is teaching you?” Sera snorts, Bull laughs, Cassandra does her disgusted noise and Dorian and Solas seem to be curious.

“Well... sometimes. But I like learning, so I can focus on it. It's really important to me to learn things, Varric.”

“Hmm. Got it.” He says and then bites into the meat on his plate.

“That reminds me... you aren't going to put my name on your romance book, are you?”

“What? Of course not. Why? Do you want me to?” He smirks.

“Urgh... no Varric, I don't. Honestly after Bull there reminded me about the sort of book you're writing I'm even afraid of letting you write about it.”

“Oh? Tiny what have you told her?” Varric squints at the Qunari, it's quite the fun scene.

“I said nothing to her, but it seems she does have good hearing, uh?” Bull looks at me then, eyebrow raised.

“Spit it out.” Varric says and Bull laughs.

“I think she hadn't realized the book you're writing is a sex novel Varric, that's all.” Varric sighs and looks at me sheepishly.

“That isn't really true, Crystal.”

“But it's not a lie either.” I sigh. “You know, I have to read that Swords and Shields to know where this story of yours is going with my character. I hope it's not shameful.”

“Of course it isn't! I'm a great writer after all! Even if that book is awful and doesn't sell.” He sighs.

“You should have a talk with your agent, or whoever it is that pays you for the sales Varric. I've heard that book sells a lot in Val Royeaux.” I decide to tell him.

“You're kidding... wait... you're serious. Oh shit. I'll send a message right away. That bastard.” He stands up and goes away.

“Where have you heard that?” Bull asks.

“Places. As you said, good hearing.” I drink some of the water in my cup and don't look at him, he'll know I'm lying. Hell, he probably already does. I should see if Cassandra still wants to lend me the book... I need to know where I'm setting my foot in.

“So...” Dorian says, “you both are going to be characters in a sex book?”

“Oh come on, Dorian! I don't know what exactly he is going to write, he said it was romance...” I sigh. “I really regret agreeing to this now...”

“I'm just teasing you, Grace.” Dorian says with a smile. “Swords and Shields isn't really bad, you know? There are people who like it.” He wiggles his eyebrows, I wonder if he already knows about Cassandra liking the book. “Of course it isn't my thing, but I can see the appeal. Just don't let people know it's you in that book, can you imagine if they do?” I'm mortified at the thought.

“You guys are going to make me cry... seriously... stop this...”

“Already stopped.” Dorian smiles. “How was your lesson?” I summon a mote of light and let it float around before making it disappear in front of his nose. “Oh, very nice! You might just be good enough to teach her, Solas.” I see Solas shaking his head.

“Everything I know is thanks to him, of course he is a good teacher.” Dorian seems amused.

“Protective, isn't she?” He says to Bull and Cassandra beside him.

“He is a good teacher, Dorian.” Cassandra says. “And he also has been keeping her alive since the first day.”

“My, my... is that why you love him?” My face burns and he laughs. “Don't need to answer that, dear.”

“So... er... what can we expect in the way to the Storm Coast?” I try to change subject. Cassandra thankfully comes to the rescue.

“Aside from the red lyrium smuggling there is sighting of a high dragon and many rifts. There is rumor of darkspawn but that has yet to be confirmed.”

“Dragon? Oh yes! I hope we get to fight her! We can fight her, right Boss? Tell me we're fighting her!” I sigh.

“I hope we don't have to.” I can see his excitement fading as if I just threw icy water on him. “I like dragons, Bull. I don't want to kill one unless there is no other way.” I really hated killing dragons in the game, and in every game I've played. They are such beautiful and amazing creatures... they don't deserve to die only because they are stronger and have a really huge appetite.

“She seems to be keeping to herself from the latest reports.” Cassandra adds.

“Hope it continues that way.” It would be nice if I could just convince her to leave if we had to fight her... but I doubt there is a way to talk to her. I wonder if Flemeth knows how to talk to dragons... Not that she would tell me, right?

“Is there any animal y'don't like?” Sera asks.

“Hmm... I don't like worms... I wouldn't harm them for no reason, still.” I used to be really afraid, in the sense that I would panic and scream or freeze and hyperventilate if I saw worms or larvae of any kind. Thankfully that is in the past, but they are still not my favourite by far.

“Worm's disgusting, innit? Eww.”

“Does it mean you have no problem with rats?” Dorian asks and I shake my head. “Cockroaches?”

“As long as they don't fly on me I'm fine. Or don't threat food or hygiene either.”

“Spiders?” Cassandra asks and I shake my head.

“I actually like spiders.” They look at me as if I had grown another head. “Really, I think they're adorable. I haven't met a giant spider, though. I don't think it would be nice to be hunted by them, but I don't mind the small ones.”

“You're strange, Grace.” Cassandra says and both Dorian and Sera says they agree.

“You don't have an issue with animals so what about zombies?” Bull asks.

“Ew... you know, I'd rather not think about rotting undead... I don't think I'm afraid of them, I haven't actually seen any yet... but... that's disgusting...”

“Right?! And creepy too!” Sera says. “And we got  **him** getting zombies around.”

“Hey I don't create zombies, I animate the dead temporarily to aid us in battle.” Dorian says defensively. I can't understand the point of being a necromancer either... specially when you have to get spirits to do the job. If it was just the energy from the Fade it would be fine but... it's not...

“And in doing so you draw spirits across the Veil.” Solas says bitterly.

“Temporarily, and it's not like they mind anyway.” Dorian continues. I can already see this turning into an ugly argument. They have already discussed their views on spirits, they don't really need to go through this again, do they?

“And how would you know that? You treat them as tools! As slaves!”

“Solas, let's not argue now, please?” He looks at me a bit annoyed but nods. “Dorian, remember what I said? Nobody is worth less than another? That applies to spirits too. They are sentient, they have feelings, hell, some  **are** feelings. Only because you don't understand them, they aren't less than you.”

“And you expect me to do what? Completely forget years of studies?” He is a annoyed, I can see that.

“All that I ask, for now, is that you take time to think about it. Research it, learn more about the spirits from a perspective that isn't Tevinter. Your country has the habit of treating everything as less, try another point of view? Solas could enlighten you much on the topic, but if you don't want to hear from him I'm sure you can still find other sources.” He sighs. “You know I have spirit friends, right?” He nods. “You've met Cole. Does he seem like a tool to you?”

“Well... when you put it like that...”

“Just think about it. Solas, do you think I can still learn more magic today?” He seems to be back to his normal expression. I wonder if he's still annoyed.

“Depends on the magic. Anything powerful will be strenuous on your injury. I could teach you some basic offensive spells.”

“Painless, right?” He nods with a smile. “Alright then... lead the way. See you later, guys.”

 

On the way back to the mount's exercise camp Solas seems to become anxious, and seeing him like that is so... absurd? I mean, the man is confidence in the flesh. When we arrive at the place where he was teaching me earlier he sits down and motions for me to do the same.

“Is something wrong?” I finally ask. “You seem... uncertain about something.”

“It seems you have become better at reading people.” He says with what seems to be a sad smile, but I don't feel sadness in him. He sighs. “I have never hoped to find someone like you. Someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. And I worry for you.”

“Worry? What do you mean?”

“Your... companions. You seem to have reservations towards some, and are too open with others. You warned me of a Qunari invasion and even so is not afraid of having their agent among us. Why?”

“Well... Bull is a complicated matter. I bet you've noticed he's a lot more comfortable with people than other qunari.”

“That comes with being a spy, if he pushed people away he would be doing a bad job.”

“Sure but, he is too comfortable with other people, he admires them, Solas. With the right incentive he would abandon the Qun.”

“You say this because you have seen it in that game.” I nod. “But you said you do not know what is real and what is made up. Is he worth the risk?”

“Well, from what I've seen he seems to be close enough to what I know, to be sure I need to meet the Chargers. They are what makes a difference in his life.”

“Hm. What about the Warden? I noticed you do not seem to like him. You are cold towards him, and even bitter. Which surprised me.”

“Er... Blackwall... well,” I sigh. “I'll tell you because I trust you and because it would hurt you to find out about it later and know that I let you believe a lie.” I take a deep breath. “Blackwall is an imposter.” He raises his eyebrows. “He was going to become a Warden, led by the true Blackwall when things went wrong and the real Warden died. He got his identity to hide from his terrible past and try to atone for it.” He frowns.

“You do not like him because he lies about who he is and his past?” I shake my head.

“Not the whole reason. It's a long story, but he lied to the men under his command when he was still himself, made them kill innocents Solas... children...” I run my hand through my hair then over my face.

“That is... despicable!”

“Then he ran away, let other people pay for his crimes because he was a coward, found Blackwall and then took his identity. He became a better person while with that Warden, that's why he admires them so much, but he still can't come to be true.”

“Why would you have him with us?” He is frowning.

“I didn't want him with us, the advisors insisted. He wants redemption, you know? But I don't like him.”

“There is more about him that you are not telling me.”

“He... is one of the romance options in the game. I never romanced him, though. I don't like his type, even before knowing the truth. At some point a man is captured, one of the ones who were under his command, and Blackwall decides he is tired of letting others pay in his stead and surrenders to the Guards. When the Inquisitor goes to confront him he is a complete different person, angry and even rude. It's worse if the Inquisitor romanced him, I watched videos. The things he says... urgh. And the night before he surrenders himself he lays with the Inquisitor if she wants, and she has no clue of his lies or his intention to leave. He does it because he's selfish. The Inquisitor wakes up naked in a barn with nothing left of him but the Grey Warden's badge!” Solas looks livid and completely pissed off. I can somehow feel his anger. “And then, if the Inquisitor finds a way to free him and bring him back to the Inquisition he doesn't even seem to appreciate it, but in the end he seems to think 'well, she got me free might as well try to get in her pants again.' And he asks her to accept him back as a man. But it doesn't matter how many times I look at his story, to me he only seems to be taking advantage, not really trying to be together with the woman he loves. In no moment at all he seemed pained to be away, or trully happy to be together. I don't think he even knows what it means to love someone” Hell, even Zevran knows.

“And now you have to deal with him.”

“Yeah... I wish I could do the same thing I did with Vivienne at least, but he is a good fighter, and the others seem to like him. They'll be suspicious if I leave him here. Unlike Vivienne he didn't give me reasons to dislike him. If I didn't know the truth I'd be fine with him.”

“True. I remember Cassandra asking you why you left him behind when you recruited him.”

“Yeah... back then I could get away with it, now I don't really have a reason they would accept without suspicion.”

“Thank you for telling me. I admit I would feel betrayed had you allowed me to come to trust him only to discover later that you knew all along.”

“As master deceiver I think you'll be fine keeping this secret, won't you?” I smirk and he shakes his head with a smile.

“Why are you so... comfortable with Dorian? We are, after all, fighting Tevinters.”

“Dorian is a gem.” I laugh and he frowns. “Really, the man is understanding and fun and loyal.”

“Loyal? He betrayed his old mentor.”

“Because the man was mad trying to destroy the world. He is a good man with a precious heart. I wonder how he can be a necromancer...”

“You seem to be very fond of him.”

“Oh I am! He is adorable, Solas! I bet you'll be great friends once he changes his views on spirits.”

“Have you... romanced him in the game as well?”

“I started it, but never went far. I always ended up missing my female Inquisitor. It's weird playing as man.” He frowns and I realize I just outed Dorian's secret. “Shit. Please don't mention it, that is a secret I didn't intend on revealing.” He tilts his head and then does a “Oh.”

“If that is all there is about his dark secret then I am relieved.” He says with a smirk and I chuckle.

“Yeah, that's about it. And there is nothing to worry about the others either, I mean, aside from Vivienne starting a Circle of her own after the Inquisition is over.”

“She has the power to do such a thing?” He frowns.

“There are a lot of people who support her, so unfortunately yes. But there will be free mages still, thanks to us.” He sighs.“

“Some good news at least. Now let me teach you some spells. Because you only want to learn painless ones it limits the amount I can teach you, but it does not mean they are less useful.”

“Maybe one day I'll be ready to use painful spells but... yeah... for now it's hard for me.” He nods.

“Just concentrate on the nature around you. Focus on the flow of energy and pull on the Fade to connect to it.” Thanks to the morning training this second part is easier to manage. We stay there until nightfall, and the only new spell I manage to learn is Chill Strike. Solas tells me the way the cold hits the target it numbs every sensory nerve even after the effect is over, so even if the person doesn’t die afterwards, there is a window of about thirty seconds until they’re able to feel any pain again.

We stop by the harts on the way back and after spending some time with them we go have dinner.


	70. Chapter 70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas moves in with Grace and some talk in the Fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I think I say this too much, but it's true: it amazes me to see how you all like the story <3  
> Thank you for your support!

Dinner is calm, people don't argue and we just talk about nice moments everyone has had. It's a very relaxing moment. Blackwall seems to be more open to talk to the others and Sera shows signs of getting along with him. I wonder how long it'll take until they join forces to annoy Solas. It's a bit weird and sudden, but I really miss ice-cream then. I remember Sera talking about ice-cream at some point in a banter, but I've yet to see it. Maybe that's something that only exists in Orlais?

I decide to sleep early, to try and rest as much as I can before we're back on the road. Solas goes into the tent with me to treat my back and the others still tease me about it. I wonder if they'll ever stop.

“Can you show me what a video is?” He asks while he cleans the wound. “You mentioned it before and today as well. I want to understand what it really means.”

“Oh sure, if I can show you a memory again.” I wonder what kind of video or movie I should show him. “Any topic you are still curious about?”

“Many. But I am curious about how you can watch the game without playing it. You said you watched the romance about  **him** .”

“You want to see his romance?” I'm shocked, really.

“No. Only to understand how it is possible.”

“Oh, right. Well... I'll explain to you when we're in the Fade then.”

“Who else were you involved with?” He asks after a few minutes, when he is bandaging me again.

“Are you jealous?” I chuckle.

“Merely curious.”

“Right. Well, I'll tell you in the Fade, where nobody can hear us.”

After he is done I wear the shirt back and turn to look at him. He seems worried still. I wonder what's eating at him. Why isn't he forward about his issues? Can't he fully trust me yet? I hold his hands. “Solas, what is worrying you?” He looks to the side and sighs, then back at me and shakes his head.

“It is nothing. Do not worry.” He gives me a small smile.

“Can't I help you with it? I know you're conflicted about something.” He kisses my forehead.

“It is... a talk for another time. Come here.” He pulls me into an embrace and I hug him tight.

“Can you stay?” I ask after a couple of minutes and I feel him stiffening. “Just... to sleep.” He relaxes and I nudge his neck. “I... want to be closer to you... if you don't mind...” I've wanted to be with him for so long that now that I can I want to stay with him until I can't stand his presence anymore.

“The others would talk.”

“They already do. And it's not their business.”

“We will not fit there.”

“We can find a way, bring your stuff. The tent is big.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Solas. I won't kick you in the middle of the night.” I chuckle and I feel him getting goosebumps. Oops. Forgot about his neck.

“You may not kick me but if you do that it might be hard to restrain myself.”

“You're trying to talk me out of it by telling me you want me?”

“Not at all. I am merely stating a fact, and wondering if you want to risk it.”

“I remember you telling me you wouldn't do anything I didn't want you to.” I look at him and he seems shocked at my answer.

“And I would never.”

“Then there is nothing to worry about. If you find another excuse I'll think you just don't want to be with me.” I raise an eyebrow at him. He sighs.

“ _ As you wish. _ ” He kisses me swiftly on the lips and then breaks the embrace. “I will get my things.”

“I'll prepare for bed in the meantime then.” He shakes his head and leaves.

Did I really just invite him to move in with me? Holy shit... I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm bold! I giggle while going through my routine. When I'm preparing the area so he can fit beside me on the makeshift bed I feel his presence, not much longer he calls out from outside:

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.” I notice he doesn't bring much with him; I guess he does travel light even when not on the road. “A minute earlier and you would've caught me naked.” I smirk and he raises his eyebrows. I laugh and he shakes his head with a smile.

“You tease much more than I thought it possible. Are you not shy anymore?”

“Oh I'm shy. But not with you... not anymore. I like you, you like me, I trust you and want you to know everything, even my wicked thoughts. So be prepared.” God I'm loving this, surprising him is awesome. He shakes his head and places his stuff around. I help him set up the bed.

“You should be prepared in the morning.” He says, calmly. “Our companions saw me moving in. I imagine Sera will be specially noisy.”

“Well... there's also Varric... and Bull... I wonder why they like teasing me so much.”

“Because you are fun to tease.” He looks at me with a smirk. I squint at him and he raises an eyebrow.

“Well... I've heard that my entire life and I never understood it.” I say sitting down on the bed. Everything is set.

“You enjoy teasing me, it is similar.” He says sitting down beside me.

“Hmm... maybe.” I stretch and then lay down, getting under the covers. I scooch to the side and stare at him. “Will you join me?” He takes a deep breath and smiles, then he lays down and joins me under the covers. My stomach is burning, this is... god... amazing? What is better than amazing? I can't help smiling at him.

Solas caresses my cheek while looking at me with very intense eyes, I'm almost breathless. I touch his hand with mine and then kiss his palm. He pulls me closer and hugs me. He is so warm and soft and I'm so comfortable here in his arms. I hope he is too.

“Are you comfortable?” I end up asking and he chuckles. I can feel the vibrations of his laugh so close to me. I'm going to melt, really.

“Yes.” He says then moves his arm under me, turning it into a pillow and running his fingers through my hair. He spoils me, how can I ever live without this again?

“Now I can't live without this ever again.” I tell him with a smirk. He doesn't say anything, he kisses me. And when things start getting heated he stops, breathless. I'm breathless too, and aroused. Damn me.

“You said it would be just to sleep.” He says with a smile.

“You're the one who kissed me.” He squints and I laugh.

“You are the one who sucked my lips.”

“After you sucked my tongue.” He sighs.

“This will be difficult.”

“We'll manage.” I say with a smile, then I slide a little downwards in the bed so I can fit my head under his chin and hug him tight. “ _ Good night, Solas. _ See you in the Fade.”

“ _ Good night, Enasa _ .” He kisses my head and then I take a deep breath, inhaling his awesome scent. I hug him a little tighter before I relax and open my eyes to my beach. I'm raising the barrier when he shows up.

“That was quick.” I say with a smile.

“It is the benefit of sleeping next to you.”

“The only benefit?” I smirk and he shakes his head.

“People look at you and have no clue of what lies inside.” He says with a smile.

“Don't you like what you see now that you know me better?” I raise an eyebrow.

“On the contrary. It intrigues me even more.” He says as he approaches me. “I wonder what more lies under those layers.” He holds my hand. “But now I wish for you to show me more of your world, if you would.”

“Sure. Let me see if I can do it again.” I try to remember watching Youtube videos at the computer. I focus on my room, sitting on my uncomfortable chair, headset on, searching for Dragon Age Inquisition. It doesn't take long for the beach to change into my room. It's still a little blurry but the computer, which is what matters, is defined enough. “So, I'm sitting there, watching someone else play it. They recorded it and then uploaded it so others, like me, could watch it.”

“Upload?”

“Hmm... there is a software that lets the person record what is showing on the screen. Like elvhen used to use Veilfire for? But it doesn't use magic at all, and it's only inside the computer.” He hums and I wonder if he understood. “After they record it they can send it to a server, well, another computer somewhere, which is connected to a network, and other computers can access it.”

“Fascinating, and complex.”

“Yeah I don't know exactly how it's possible... I didn't study that. Imagine if anyone could access anything at any point in the day or night without leaving where they are. That is the power of that network, the internet.”

“Internet. Interesting. But you do not know how it works.” I shake my head. “Imagine if we could combine your world's technology with the power of the Fade.”

“I believe it would be a perfect world, really.” His eyes are shining, I bet he is thinking of a thousand possibilities. This is something I have thought about before, but since I don't know how to make it work, I stopped giving it any attention.

“What else did you use to do with the internet?”

“Talk to people, play games with them, read, watch movies, research.”

“So many uses. Are videos and movies the same?”

“Hmm... in the end yes,” they are files after all, “but in essence no. Videos could be anything, like a recording of a cat playing with a ball, someone playing a videogame like I showed you. A movie is a video telling a story.” He hums. “Let me see if I can get something. I try to remember my favourite movie, The Lord of the Rings. I try to concentrate on the reunion in Rivendell, showing the Fellowship discussing what to do with the Ring. It's not easy, it seems like there is too much information to channel in my limited and unfocused mind, but I manage to get a blurred version of it playing on the screen. “That is my favourite movie. The Lord of the Rings. It is based on a book.”

“There are elves and a dwarf there.”

“Yes, and the elves are respected figures in there. The very first children of the creator of the universe, they are wise and powerful and the other races envy or love them.”

“What is this... movie about?”

“One of the... hmm... let me see how to explain this to you. The Creator had powerful beings to help him create things in the universe. These beings were told to prepare the world for the arrival of the elves. One of those beings were envious of the power of the Creator and the others. He wanted to destroy everything the others created. Time passed, a lot of things happened and at some point magical rings were forged for the races on the world; what nobody knew was that another ring was forged, to control all the others. And with that ring that evil being would have the world for himself because people would either serve him or die. At some point the races joined against him and got the ring separated from him, but the ring had a will of its own, and tempted the human who found it. Humans were weak and easy to tempt, you see. Not long after, that human died and the ring was free to try to find his master again. Another person found it, and became corrupted by its power, but instead of doing harm to others the only thing he wanted was to never be separated from the ring. The ring couldn't have that, though. It needed to go back to its master. So the first opportunity it had it seduced another person to carry it, but as the previous person, this one didn't intend on causing harm to others, just to keep it. Meanwhile the master was recovering from the war, and at some point one of the mages who were sent to guide people to a better path found out the ring his friend was carrying was the one which could control the others. The mage calls for a meeting, that one in the screen, and people form a group to travel and destroy it, because destroying it would be the only way to permanently stop the evil being. And the story continues on telling about their journey to destroy the Ring. That song I sang for the camp, about the end of a journey or death, it came from this movie.”

“Interesting story.”

“Yeah, it has a really interesting world. A lot of books to tell about it. Many things ended up inspired by it too.”

“And there are many movies in your world?”

“Oh too many, millions maybe? I really don't know how many movies were created by the time I was sent here.”

“Your people were creative.” He says with a smile.

“Yes, many people were, but in general they only valued things that could bring them money.” I sigh.

“Now that we are away from curious eyes and ears, who were you involved with in the game?” I wonder why he is so insistent on it. This couldn't be jealousy.

“Well, the first time I played I knew nothing about any of the characters. I decided to flirt with the ones who seemed interesting to me, which ended up being you and Cullen. Bull was an option but he likes things I don't, and he is too big... not really my type.”

“The horns are not the problem there? Or the Qun?” He frowns.

“I don't mind the horns, no. The Qun is definitely a problem, though. Anyway, he never appealed to me. Blackwall neither... I hate beards, I didn't like the way he behaved either, the way he talked... something bothered me there. And he seemed... I don't know... dirty? Not my thing either... I like clean guys.” I notice a smirk on his face. Heh, he knows he's clean and smells good.

“The Commander does not seem very clean, with the constant training, and Fereldans do not bathe often.”

“Er... don't remind me of it. In game he seemed fine enough, though. And it's not like it would be  **me** kissing him and going to bed with him.”

“Going to bed?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Well... there is a cutscene for it. Doesn't show much, but yeah. They do it.”

“But not the Inquisitor with my character.”

“No, the creators of the game thought it would be too sensitive to show it, because you leave the Inquisitor then turns out to be the antagonist, they didn't want people to feel betrayed. Which is weird because they didn't have any problem doing it with Bull or Blackwall.”

“Iron Bull? Does he betray you?”

“Only if he stays in the Qun. It can be avoided, with the Chargers. Anyway, not having a cutscene about going to bed with you got many people mad.” I laugh. “They really wanted to see you naked, you were never naked, not even shirtless. It got many girls letting their imaginations running wild.” He is surprised, mouth open and everything, then he smirks.

“You wanted to see me naked as well?” I laugh, hard.

“How could I  **not** want to see you naked? And that is unfair, you know. You've seen me naked plenty of times, I have never seen you even shirtless.”

“You could have asked.” The smirk is there, persistent.

“Heh, as if I could ever do it, and how the hell was I supposed to get to you out of nowhere and say 'Hey Solas can I see you naked?'”

“Yes.” He says with a low voice that I barely catch, and I choke on what I planned to say next.

“What?”

“You may see me naked.” My eyes go wide and I can't help opening my mouth too. “Another time.” He chuckles. I cough and shake my head. Well... what was I going to say?

“Er... well... I'd like that. Anyway... er...” He laughs. “While I was still deciding who I would romance I flirted with Cullen and you. By the time I got to Skyhold I decided on you. You were much more interesting, and I stopped flirting with Cullen because it would be unfair to keep leading him on, focusing on you. Then you broke my heart.” I sigh. “I couldn't believe that was it, and I played again to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I wasn't, that was really how it was supposed to go. I started another game, with a human, because even with the heartbreak I knew if I played an elf I would go after you again, and romanced Cullen in an attempt to mend my heart. It was sweet and all, but didn't work. When they released the expansion of the story, where you show up again, I was hysterical, I needed to talk to you again, see if we could get back together... but it was only more painful. You still loved the Inquisitor after two years away, but couldn't take her with you. You remove the mark on her hand along with the arm that the mark was destroying while giving her a last kiss and then leaves through an eluvian.” I'm not even looking at him at this point, I'm looking to a random spot in space. “I was even more miserable than I was before, I found out that Cullen would marry the Inquisitor so I went to the other character, married her to him and never touched the game again. I couldn't even look at pictures of you, drawings. Anything would make it hurt too much.”

“I am sorry.” I look at him, and find him looking at me with such pain in his face.

“Don't be. It wasn't you.” He hugs me so tight then. “See,” I say against his neck, “you won't leave me.” He doesn't say anything, and I suspect it's because he must leave after defeating Corypheus. “I know you must leave at some point, but we'll be together again, right?”

“Definitely.” He kisses me so gently then, I think I can feel his care in his kiss. It makes me feel like I'm floating. Damn, I love him too much, is it possible for my chest to burst open? Even after he parts his lips from mine he still holds me in his arms. Then after a few minutes he pulls away.

“What do you mean I take the mark along with the arm?”

“Oh, well... the mark by then gets out of control again, and the damage is too extensive to contain or heal, so you remove the arm to save the Inquisitor.” He frowns.

“Another terrible consequence of my mistake.” He sighs.

“Don't worry, Solas. It'll be fine. I'm sure Dagna can find a way to give me another arm if it comes to it. It could be something made up.” Hell, I hope it is. “The mark is helping me here instead of trying to kill me.”

“That... is true. I hope you are right. Who is Dagna?”

“She's a brilliant dwarf, Leliana already sent for her. She should be here when we return from the Storm Coast. But there's still time until this happens... anything happier you want to see?” He seems to think for a couple of minutes then asks:

“What about those instruments I do not recognize in the songs you have played for me?”

“Oh... let me see if I can remember a video with it...” I try to think about Youtube videos showing the bands playing, and fortunately it comes easy, and the song is just awesome. It’s a video of a Dream Theater's live show performing ‘The Spirit Carries On’. And as it plays on the screen I get so much emotion from it. I look at Solas and I find him surprised, but I'll ask questions when the song is over.

We stay in silence watching the show, so many people there; I wish I could have gone to at least one show, but I was never able to. Now I never will. But I immediately shake my head to get bad thoughts away, that's not something I should think about. They play so beautifully, I wish I could always have their songs available for me, but it's not like I can have a music player here in Thedas. At least I can in the Fade. I wonder if it'll be possible to listen to songs while awake after the Veil is down. Hell, will I be alive to see it down?

“That is amazing. And those instruments, they look like some of what we have, but they make completely different sounds. Why?” He asks after it ends.

“It's because of electricity. People back on Earth learned how to control electricity to power things, including musical instruments. The computer can only run while plugged to a power grid. We got very dependant on it to be honest. If we ran out of power we couldn't do anything.” I chuckle. “The internet is only possible thanks to it too.” He frowns.

“How did they control electricity to do those things?”

“I don't really know, I only used it. Basically they have a place storing energy that is produced elsewhere, then lots of cables distribute that power for people to use, and inside the houses and other buildings there are smaller cables to power the appliances we used.”

“Hm. Fascinating.” He observes the screen for a few seconds before he speaks again. “Those lyrics are quite beautiful as well. It gives one hope to believe the spirit continues after they die. That is one thing you also believe in, I recall.”

“Yes. Well, I wouldn't be here if that was wrong.” I chuckle. “My spirit traveled from one planet to another. I wonder how old my spirit is, how many times I have reincarnated. They say it's better if we don't remember, but I sometimes wonder what I used to be like in those lives.”

“Do you think people who die here also reincarnate?”

“Oh I think they do. I mean, from all I've heard and read it would be a waste to create a spirit just to let it disappear after the body dies. Even animals reincarnate, you know. I just wish I knew why we do it, why we were created, what is the goal. Some spirits back then told me we're alive to learn and be happy, live through the good path in life so we can evolve. But evolve into what?”

“I wish I had the answer. My people, the elvhen, we live long lives, unless someone kills us we do not die. That was true until I raised the Veil. The elves now live about the same as the humans. However, even in times of Elvhenan we could never discover what happened to the spirit of a person who died. Falon'din made people believe he could guide their souls but he was nothing but a powerful necromancer. Spirits of the Fade would be eventually reborn, the energy which the spirit embodied would form and eventually it would come back. Alas, with no memory of what it lived before.” Like what happens with Wisdom in the game.

“Well, I believe the elvhen have a different evolutionary path than humans, because the world affects them, you, differently. But every life is eternal, that is what I believe. It never ends, it transforms, but never disappears.”

“If you are right it would mean nothing is ever truly lost.” His eyes seem bright, is that hope? “That even when the Evanuris killed so many their spirit still returned after a time to live again. It is still terrible that lives were lost, and that they would never remember who they were, that their family would mourn, still, they could live again, hopefully in a better life.”

“Yes.” I say with a smile. “That is the good thing about it. Starting again, with the hope that it'll be better than before. But if you were a bad person there is a great chance that your next life will punish you. Actions and consequences are a rule in the Universe. Everything you do returns to you. Do good and you'll receive good, do bad and you'll receive the punishment.”

“You tried to end your life and was punished for it.” I nod.

“Life is precious, we never get the same chance twice. Actually I was lucky, I wonder why really. I've read terrible things happen to the spirit of people who kill themselves.”

“And you still tried it.”

“Well... I could say my mind wasn't really working anymore by the time I gave up on everything but I'm not sure that would be true. As I told you, nothing could get me to continue living. I had no hope that it would get better. No friends, no love from my family, my father never cared, my mother was annoying me, I didn't have a job, I couldn't do anything I liked anymore. My life was completely empty, I was dead even though my body was still functioning. My heart would ache every day. I would sleep so I couldn't feel how sad I was.” I sigh. “I probably did some really good things in my previous life to get this chance. As hard as it is, it's more a gift than anything else.”

“I am sorry to make you remember sad memories.” He caresses my cheek. “I want you to be happy. I told you once that I would find ways to make your life here easier, and I have not forgotten.”

“Solas, you already make my life perfect. Specially after you told me you like me.” I say with a smile. He gives me a small smile but I can see he is pained.

“I am happy you think so, however I will find ways to improve it.”

“You can improve it now by kissing me.” I smirk and he seems surprised by my words. He chuckles and then accepts my suggestion.

“You are bolder than before.” He manages to says after a few minutes of heated kiss. I chuckle.

“Courtesy of my training with Love. I wonder what your reaction will be when I become bold enough to tell you what goes through my mind.” I laugh and he raises an eyebrow, then shakes his head with a smile.

“You are teasing me.”

“You know, there is a saying where I come from that says: the quiet ones are the worst.” I laugh. “They aren't wrong, you know? I have a really wicked side, Solas.”

“I once said that I could not wait to see you unrestrained, I did not know my words would be so true. I cannot wait to see this side of yours.”

“If you do, a lot will change between us.” I sigh and look at the screen, it's black now, no longer a video playing. “I'm... not sure I'm prepared for that change.”

“You say these words again. That you are not prepared for change. However, you are the one who brings the most changes to others, and to yourself.”

“Am I? I don't know... I'm curious, I like to know things, to learn and discover things, but at the same time, I'm scared of taking the first step.” I was always scared of telling people I liked them. I was sixteen when I first kissed someone, because I was scared of doing it. Telling him about what I would like to do to him? Hell... could I ever?

“I see this is beyond your trust in me.” He says calmly.

“It is about me, really. I don't think I can take the first step. Yesterday I found out I was only able to tell you the truth that day because Love supported me.” I chuckle nervously. “Even though I wanted to do it so badly, the words wouldn't come out.” I take a deep breath. “If you hadn't kissed me I don't think I ever would have done it first. And hell... I've dreamed about your lips for years.” He raises his eyebrows and I shrug. “You've been a part of my dreams for a  **really** long time, Solas. Before I came here, obviously. My dreams here are very different.”

“Oh? Do you feel like telling me what those dreams were like?” I see a tiny smirk.

“Well... if I do I'll end up telling you the wicked things I'm not prepared to tell you.” I chuckle. “ **And** from what I've noticed, you're not prepared to do them with me yet either.”

“What do you mean?”

“You restrain yourself when we kiss.” I look to the screen again. I can't say this looking at him. “When things get heated you pull away.”

“It is not because I do not want to.” I sigh and my heart starts hammering inside my chest. “It has been a long time since I was last with someone.”

“And I've never been with someone.”

“I know. I remember when you told the others. That is also a reason I restrain myself, as you have put it.”

“I think this is something we'll have to leave for time to solve. I wonder what it'll be like when that side is finally unleashed.” I chuckle, still looking at the black screen.

“I imagine it will be fascinating.” I take a side glance at him and he is smirking.

“ **You** 're a teaser too, you know that?” He laughs.

“Oh am I?” He smirks and I shake my head.

“We still have time, want to learn about those letters?”

“Certainly. Can you take us back to the beach?” He tilts his head. I concentrate on my beach and in a couple of seconds we are back there. “Well done.” The wisps come to greet me again, I greet them back and we head inside the studio.

 

We spend the rest of the night going through words and sentences using the letters from Earth and those from Thedas. He is a quick learner and his handwriting is simply beautiful. He's a complete artist, I can see that. When it's time to wake up he kisses me again, and I open my eyes to find myself still in his arms.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I'm looking forward to monday's update.. the only reason I don't post 3 chapters today is because I don't have the 4th completed yet.. I'm really curious about what you all are going to think about it :)

I stay quiet waiting for him to wake up; there is nowhere else I'd rather be right now. It only takes a couple of minutes for him to open his eyes, and he looks at me with such a caring expression I feel like I'm going to melt. How did this happen? How could he like me? I'm so happy he does. I slide back up so I'm on his eye level and I caress his cheek. He closes his eyes while I run my knuckles softly over his skin. I love this man so much, I wonder if I could ever show him the extent of my feelings.

“ _ Good morning, Solas. _ ” I say with a smile; my voice soft with feelings. He hugs me tighter, eyes still closed. I notice he is slightly aroused, but if I remember correctly this is something common in men, doesn't really mean anything.

“ _ Good morning, Enasa. _ ” He says while opening his eyes. I can't bring myself to do anything other than kiss him, and the urge is so strong that I indulge myself. He tastes good, no such thing as morning breath. He kisses me back with such hunger that I can only confirm that I also don't have such thing.

I lose myself in his arms and lips, when he moves us on the bed my senses come back to me. My back is against the makeshift mattress and he is on top of me. We don't part our lips at any moment though; we’re too hungry for each other. I feel his hands traveling around my body and I notice my hands are also exploring his back, and I just hope my nails aren't hurting him. Unfortunately we can't enjoy it much, because laying on my back creates pressure on the wound, and the pain makes it unbearable to continue in this position. He notices my discomfort and we break the kiss.

“My back...” I say with a little difficulty. He immediately moves to the side and helps me move so we are both on our sides, facing each other again.

“I apologize,” he says, hands on my arm, and he starts caressing my skin with his thumb, “I should not have forgotten about it.”

“It's fine, don't apologize.” I kiss his lips swiftly. “I liked it a lot. Well, until it hurt.”

“You make it difficult to resist.” Do I? Hmm. What if... should I? Would it hurt?

“Well... I want to try something, if you don't mind.”

“Oh? What do you want to try?”

“Lay back?” He raises an eyebrow and then chuckles. He complies, though. I move to get on top of him and his eyes go wide. Thankfully my back doesn't hurt. I try not to get my full weight on him, but that requires me straddling him, it's weird, I feel vulnerable. It should be the opposite, right? But I felt protected when he was on top of me, now I feel exposed. The covers are long tossed aside.

I'm over his hips, I realize when I feel him becoming harder. I try to ignore it as I lower myself over him, being careful with my arms beside him. He is looking at me with a expression I can't really understand. Confusion? Expectation? I really don't know. What I know is that I want to feel as close to him as we were just now before my injury got in the way. “Kiss me?” I ask when my chest is touching his again, weight on my legs and arms. I know I've lost a lot of weight, I'm probably weighing around fifty kilos now, and that he is strong, but I don't know if it would be uncomfortable for him if I layed completely on him. What I know is that the moment I asked him his eyes showed me such hunger that my blood burned, and that I wanted to push my hips against his, but I didn't. His hands grab both sides of my face and he kisses me with such desire that I can't even think, he doesn't even give me a chance to play with his mouth, he has complete control of mine. Sucking my tongue and lip, biting lightly on it from time to time. His hands pull me to him as if he wanted to swallow me, and god, I'm loving this.

His hands leave my head and run down to my shoulders, then to my back. He pulls me even closer to him, forcing me to release my weight over him, and I haven't realized it, but my arms and knee were starting to hurt from supporting my weight. Being completely relaxed over him, though, causes me to become more aroused, and to completely lose sense of space and time. Right now it's only he and me, laying on this bed, enjoying each other. Almost eating each other. One of his hands on my back slide inside my shirt, and the other one grabs my butt and pulls me closer against him. A groan leaves his mouth when I'm pressed against his erection and it only makes me want him even more.

I hold his head with my hands so I can kiss him better, his hand on my butt holds me tighter and the pressure against him is too delightful for me to be able to hold back a moan. It seems to make him hungrier and he tries to pull me closer, but it's physically impossible, it only serves to make him groan again and I end up moving my hips by reflex. His hand travels up, and I feel his fingers going inside the waistband of my pants, when I think I'm going to feel his fingers on my skin a voice comes from outside.

“Inquisitor, are you awake?” I don't recognize the voice, but it feels like someone just threw cold water on me, and from the look on Solas' face, the same happened to him. I'm breathless, I can't reply. I lower my head on Solas' shoulder and try to calm down. After a minute the person asks again, and I slide off of Solas and sit up to answer.

“Yes, just a minute.” I run my hands on my face and hair and take a deep breath. Shit, I'm horny. I stand up and after fixing my messy clothes I go to the front of the tent, opening the flap slightly so I can see who it is out there.

“Good morning, Inquisitor. Sorry to wake you up.” The young man hastily says. I notice he is carrying something. I nod as greeting and he continues. “Lana asked me to deliver your armor.”

“Oh, thank you.” I get the package from his hands. “Thank you.”

“Sorry to disturb you, have a good day.”

“Good day.” I close the flap again and leave the armor over my bag. I look at Solas to find him smiling. What could he possibly be happy for? “Why are you smiling?” He shakes his head and sits up.

“It is nothing. You should prepare for breakfast.”

“Well... in front of you?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Regret asking me to live with you already?” He smirks.

“No, it's just...” I sigh, “it's...” I notice he is smiling gently now. “You are teasing me.” He chuckles and stands up.

“Yes. Do not worry, I will let you prepare.” He takes his tunic from his bag and puts it on, then with a swift kiss on my lips he smiles and leaves.

He'll be the death of me. I take a deep breath and then go about my business. Outside I find him waiting for me and it surprises me. We walk together to get food and head to the fire where the others are. The only ones absent are Vivienne, Cole and Blackwall. They all look at me with amused faces. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to hear their teasing. Sera is the first to speak.

“Had a good night, Grace?” She makes lewd noises and I roll my eyes in disgust. “Oh don't be like that. We should throw a party, yeah? Girl finally got some.”

“Nothing of the sort happened, Sera.” I manage to say, trying not to stand up and leave.

“Wot? Waddaya mean? Elven Glory over there couldn't get it up?” She snorts and then almost falls off the bench laughing. I shake my head.

“That's mean, Sera.” Bull says, but he continues before I can even feel relief. “If he's too gentle for you Boss I can give a few tips.”

“Urgh... really, I'm trying... I'm really trying... but if you guys continue with this I'm going to leave.”

“You both should stop teasing her like that, you know she doesn't like this.” Cassandra says.

“But really, Crystal, nothing happened?” I try to look at Varric with a murderous glare, and by his reaction I think I succeed. “Alright, fine. It's just that we saw him moving into your tent and well,” he shrugs, “that's what normally happen with couples, you know.” I sigh.

“Even if something  **did** happen it wouldn't concern any of you. Why do you guys care so much if I do or don't do it?”

“It's fun.” Sera says.

“What she said.” Bull says. I sigh.

“Not for me. So let's let it end here, alright?”

“Pff... you're no fun.” Sera pouts.

“Grace, my dear, is this I hear true?” Dorian asks and I raise an eyebrow. What is it now? “Do not be mad at me, I'm merely curious. You have never done it?” I sigh.

“I swear I don't get it. Why does my personal life matter to you all? Yes, Dorian, it's true.”

“So the Herald of Andraste  **is** a sacred maiden!” I choke on my food. Where did that come from?

“Hoy, careful there, y'don't want to die a virgin.” Sera says and I feel like throwing my bowl at her head. “Relax, yeah?”

“It's true, you know. We see how tense you are, Boss. It would help you.”

“Goddamn it!” I stand up and walk away. I don't even notice where I'm heading to, I just want to get away from them. After a couple of minutes of walking I notice I reached an alley that they haven't started working on yet. I see a large fallen rock and sit on it.

I remember they used to have lots of banter about sex, be it among themselves or asking about the Inquisitor, and I've been around people who couldn't really think about anything else, but geez... why do they care so much if I do it or not? Hell…

 

Trying to focus on my breathing to calm down, not knowing how long it has passed after I finished eating, I hear footsteps. When I turn my head I see Cassandra approaching. I sigh in relief. At least I know she won't annoy me with it.

“They send their apologies.” I nod, but I don't really buy it. They'll poke again at the first opportunity, I know it. She sits on a rock nearby. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About how annoying they are with it? Nah...”

“Sera is childish and I believe Iron Bull is trying to get under your skin to see where you break. I think he got his answer.”

“He's a spy, that's hardly surprising. It's still annoying.”

“Dorian said he was trying to improve the mood, not to antagonize you further.”

“Yeah, I don't doubt it. But I told them I didn't want to talk about it. They don't have the right to push it. Anyway... do you still want to lend me Swords and Shields? I wanted to ask you but I haven't really had a private moment with you, couldn't ask you in front of the others.”

“I lent it to Dorian,” she says and I'm surprised it already happened. So that's where he got his copy from. “I believe he should finish it while we're on the road. I'll ask him to give it to you after he's done.” She gives me a gentle smile.

“Thank you. I'm more curious than ever to see what kind of... romance... Varric can write.”

“You shouldn't worry, it's not tasteless. But I have to say that it would be... awkward to read one based on you.” She seems flustered.

“So you intend on reading it when he's finished.” I smirk and she looks like a kid that got caught doing something she shouldn't.

“Oh, well... I like his books.” I chuckle and she looks at me surprised.

“I'm curious too, to be honest.” She seems relieved by my answer. “And I suppose you're also curious about last night.”

“Well... perhaps... I must admit I am surprised nothing happened. You love him so much, we all can see how brightly you look at him, and sleeping together... well...” It still surprises me to see how she likes this kind of conversation.

“Well... you know... it's tempting.” I chuckle and she perks up. “Whenever we touch it's like there's fire, you know? But I'm afraid of going further with it.”

“Afraid?”

“It's... something new, you know? I'm not really good with taking the first step into something. I'm afraid of the consequences. Of the changes.”

“There isn't much to change, in the end. And it would open a door for the both of you to be really close to each other. To deepen your trust in one another.”

“That's what people say... but... I don't know... I want to... hell... even more when the hormones are crazy. But it's not only my body you know? It's like... my heart and soul want it too.”

“You are really in love with him.” She has such a beautiful smile. I laugh, embarrassed.

“Yes. I love him more than anything.”

“Well, when you are ready it will flow naturally.”

“I tell myself that, and I think if the servant hadn't interrupted us this morning something would have happened...”

“Oh? Really?” I chuckle at her enthusiasm.

“Things got... heated... when we woke up.”

“Do you plan on sharing a tent with him while we travel?”

“Heh, don't worry, I won't do anything while on the road, Cassandra. That would be extremely awkward.” Indecent, really. God... can't even think about it. That would be so shameful.

“It might be harder to resist than you think.” She laughs.

“Talking from experience?” She blushes and nods. I wonder who she was with when she was being naughty with a lover.

“Well... I don't think I could do it.”

“Mages can cast sound wards, you know? That is a... benefit of being in a relationship with a mage.”

“Oh, Cassandra, Cassandra... you are a naughty girl.” I laugh and she becomes redder. She shrugs.

“We must enjoy the time we got. Love is precious and we... never know when we will not be able to live it... anymore.” Her boyfriend is dead, I remember it. I sigh.

“You're right. And I'm sorry his life was cut short, Cassandra. You seem to have loved him deeply.”

“I did. He showed me there was more to mages than what I was taught and that even amongst that chaos and evil, that there were good mages in the world. He was a good man.”

“Well... I'll keep your advice in mind. Still... I don't think anything will happen while we travel. Don't go imagining things during the night.” She chuckles and I'm glad that got her mind to a better place.

“Have you been feeling well, Grace?” She asks after a minute or so.

“Yes, why?”

“You have lost much weight. You don't seem very healthy.”

“Oh... well, that's probably an effect of the hormone thing. It happened before.” I lose too much blood, I don't get enough nutrition, my body gets thinner... at least the powder helps hold it a little.

“I will see with Josephine if we can't find a way to get you those herbs. You can't continue to wither like this.” She stands up. “With luck Adan will have your potion when we return.” She says with a smile, is she trying to encourage me? I nod with a smile and stand up.

“Thank you, Cassandra. That would be awesome.” We walk back to the courtyard and I see the others sitting by the fire. “Guess I'll see if Solas can still teach me something today. Too bad I won't be able to take the harts with us, I was really looking forward to ride them.”

“We could bring them along. They proved capable of following us without issue. You could learn how to ride them as we travel.”

“Oh, can we? That would be awesome!” She laughs.

“You're easier to please than you show. I'll let Dennet know the harts will come with us tomorrow.”

“Thank you!” I stand beside Solas, I don't really want to be in the company of the others after what happened. “Can we continue the magic lessons?”

“ _ Of course. _ ” He stands up. “Let us go to the training camp.”

I say goodbye to Cassandra only, hoping that is statement enough that I'm mad at the others, and we go to the mount's training camp for lessons.


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some training, some talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I think the end can be considered a cliffhanger.. but well, there's another chapter tomorrow so it'll be fine :)  
> And well, tomorrow is monday already! I can't wait for it so I can post the chapter. @_@  
> Anyway.. hope you enjoy it, and thank you all very much for your support! Kudos and comments make my day <3 Love hearing your thoughts!

After we arrive at the center he sits down and motions for me to sit beside him. I do so and he says: “I thought it best for you to rest today, however, you do need to keep learning.” He takes my hand closest to him. “I will start teaching you the base of healing. Healing is complex and requires that you have full focus while performing it.”

“Hm. I wonder if I can focus enough.” I say, worried about what might happen if I lose focus while trying to heal someone.

“You have improved, but you still become distracted easily. And should it happen while someone is being treated, it could worsen their condition.” I sigh.

“Should I wait more? Until I can focus better?”

“I will have you go through many steps before you can finally be able to heal someone. You will have time to work on improving your focus.”

“Alright then. What do I do?”

“Reach for the Fade and focus on me. Have your magic search through my body and tell me what you feel.”

“Hmm... I'll try.” I fill myself with the energy from the Fade and try to send it over to Solas, since I'm touching him the point of contact works like a beacon and it flows from my hand to his.

“No, do not send it to me. Search with it through me. Control it as it moves.”

“Right... let me try again.” Instead of sending to him I control the tendrils of magic through him, and I notice he is getting tenser. I stop it. “Wrong again?”

“Yes.” He says with difficulty, a little breathless. “You were... touching... me with your magic. Think about it as running waves of energy, and while it flows through me, focus on what you feel from it.”

“Waves... right.. And well... sorry about that.”

“There is no need to apologize. It was pleasurable, however not the objective of your lesson.” He says with a smile.

“Oh. Well... learned something new.” I laugh a little embarrassed. But maybe I can use it at some point. He did say it felt good. I try running the magic as if it was water then, but the only thing I manage to feel is him shivering.

“Let me show you, so you know what it feels like.” I nod and he runs his magic through me. I can't really feel the mechanics of it, only that his magic is checking my body. “Unfortunately I still cannot get anything from you.”

“Well, that's not surprising. I bet you'll never be able to. But I don't really know if I'll be able to do this right.” I sigh and try it again, this time trying to expand the magic as a thin layer, connecting his body to mine, trying to concentrate on what I feel as my magic touches him. He squeezes my hand softly after a couple of seconds and I stop, wondering what is wrong this time.

“You... are connecting to me,” he is breathless again, I wonder if it had similar results to that one, “this is not what you are supposed to do.”

“I didn't feel anything, what did you feel?”

“You are... stimulated, and I felt it through your magic.” Oh. Shit.

“Sorry... I... er...”

“Do not worry. And do not apologize. Try it again, reach your magic through me, try to feel the energy, the blood, the muscles.”

“Alright. Let's see...” How does a scan work? It's waves hitting a target and sending information back, isn't it? How can I do it with magic? Whenever I tried to connect to him it got wrong results. I'm not supposed to touch, I'm supposed to search. I can't connect, just read. I take a deep breath. Can't send the energy to him, but through him. I try to get my magic flowing through him, starting on the hand holding mine, and controlling it I get it to move through his arm, then head and down to his another arm then the rest of his body. When it's over I get the magic back to me and I can feel something good. I can't explain, it just feels good, it feels right. “Did it work?”

“Yes... however... you will need to train it. You still cause side effects when you move your energy.” Oh... I notice he has a lot of goosebumps.

“I would apologize but you told me not to... Well, I don't know what I felt means, though. I felt... good?”

“That means there is nothing wrong with me at the moment.” Oh. “Are you familiar with anatomy?”

“Well... on a  **very** basic level. Just enough for me to know how to draw people, really. And some overall notions from school.”

“You will need to read a few books, then. It will allow you to search better, you will know what it is you find wrong in someone.” I nod. “They still have not unpacked the books from Haven, as soon as we are able I will select the useful ones and help you with it.”

“Solas, I've been thinking. You'll be busy, maybe I should get someone else to teach me?”

“I am sure I can make time to teach you.”

“Well, I don't want you to overwork. You should have time for yourself.”

“Sharing knowledge is something I enjoy. Doing it with you only makes it more enjoyable.”

“If you say so... I'm glad we agree on it. If I could I would only be with you.” I lay my head on his shoulder. “Say, Solas. Cassandra asked me something... will you share the tent with me while we travel?”

“If you wish.” My chest becomes heated.

“I... would like to.” I'm sure it'll be weird to sleep alone again. “And she also suggested I take the harts with us, so I can learn while on the road. What do you think?”

“I think it is a good idea. They like us enough to follow, and the more time we spend with them the more they bond with us. Even should you not learn to ride Reast, your relationship with him will improve, and it will help.”

“Alright, we'll bring them with us then.” We stay quiet for a while. My head on his shoulder, one of his hand in mine, my other in his, caressing each other. “You really think I should spend the day resting?”

“I do. You are still injured and we will spend days on the road.” I sigh.

“Fine.” I take my head off his shoulder. “I'll pack up and spend the rest of the day in bed then. Does that sound good for you?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Am I to join you on the bed?”

“You're very welcome if you want to.” I chuckle and he raises the other eyebrow too. I guess he expected me to become shy?

“You should eat first. It is almost noon.” He stands up, still holding my hand. “Come.”

“Cassandra told me I look sick, the way you insist that I eat I guess you agree.” We start walking back.

“You have lost much weight, and considering I cannot read your body I cannot say whether you are indeed sick or not. You have a more... delicate body, and as such you should eat more.”

“Told you, you can say I'm weak. I don't feel sick, though. But I've been through this once and it was bad... so yeah... I'll try to eat more. It won't be better unless I get that potion, though.”

“Which potion?” Have I never talked about it with him?

“Well, I have this condition that messes up my hormones.” He knows what it is, right? His expression seems neutral so I guess he does. “That's why I... bled so much that time. And it's why there has been no sign of it yet. That shit is late, I bet it'll be a lot of blood again when it shows up.” I sigh. “It drains my body. I need to balance the hormones. Back where I lived there was medication for it, I found out there is a potion that should do a similar job, but it needs some rare ingredients.”

“Is it a preventative potion?” I nod. “I know of which potion you speak. I wish you had talked to me about this sooner. I can have some agents collect the herbs for you.” My eyes go wide.

“Hell... and here I am suffering for nothing.” He caresses my hand, bringing my attention back to him.

“Not for much longer it seems. Does this condition affect you in any other way? Your pain, perhaps?”

“Well, it does hurt a lot more when I'm not treating it. And well... there is another side effect...” Should I tell him? I think I blush, my face is hot. “Er...” I look at his face and he is curious. “The hormones go crazy so... well... I... er... get...” I sigh. “My body becomes... shit... there's no easy way for me to say this.”

“You do not have to tell me if you do not want to.”

“It's not a matter of not wanting to... it would make it easier if you knew... make it less... awkward... I guess... but...” I sigh. “I'll tell you what I told Cassandra.” I lower my voice almost to a whisper. “It's like I'm on heat.” His eyes go wide. “It doesn't need any... reason... to get me worked up... and when it's bad... it's...  **bad** ...” I lower my head, a bit ashamed.

“Is it the reason why you are... mischievous lately?”

“That? No... that's the normal me. Well, when I'm not shy.” I chuckle. “But I guess it helps getting me... well... you know... like this morning.”

“I see. Has this... extreme... reaction happened since you came here?”

“If it already got bad?” He nods. “Yeah... when I was in the Storm Coast last time.” I remember how awful that was. Then there was the spirit. I sigh and after a few seconds he hums.

“Did something happen? You seem... agitated.”

“Well... it was uncomfortable as hell. If I wasn't in such stress to outrun Corypheus I would probably have done something that would have shamed me to death.” He frowns. “Told you... it gets...  **bad** ... if I relax... my legs move on their own... Heh, I never liked a freezing bath so much. Can't relax in that water.” I get annoyed at the memory and he tilts his head. “It's just... it didn't stop Bull from noticing.” He frowns.

“Did he say anything? Do anything?”

“Well... say yes, do no. Don't worry, it's nothing serious.” He must be really annoyed because I can sense his uneasiness. I sigh. “Fine... I'll tell you. He offered to... help me with it. I declined it.” He seems angry, his eyes are very different from usual. “He said it's a Qun thing, it didn't mean anything. Anyway, I told him to never talk about it again, and he didn't. Well... until this morning.”

“He did mention you were... tense..” His voice is definitely affected by his bad mood. “However, I do not believe he should ever mention it again. We had a conversation.”

“Oh. Well, that's good.” I would hate it if Bull continued talking about it like that, it would probably end up with me having an ugly talk with him. As we approach the courtyard there are more people around so we end up silent. At some point he releases my hand and we get food. Blackwall is there with the others this time. Solas proves me right by behaving like he had always in front of the man.

They don't mention anything about the events of the morning, instead talking about the Storm Coast and how they loathe it because of the rain. Blackwall says Leliana approached him about Grey Warden sightings there, if he knew anything, but he hasn't heard about it. Another thing in which he is useless.

When I'm done eating I tell them I'm going to spend the rest of the day resting for the travel, and I ask Cassandra to tell the advisors to not bother me unless it's urgent. Solas follows me inside and if they're going to gossip about it they at least wait until I'm far enough not to hear anything.

 

I start packing my stuff, leaving only the hygiene kit out so I can use it later. I take a look at the armor and I notice it not only had been fixed but it also got some reinforcements. Nice.

“Do you really need to carry all those clothes?” He asks and I turn to see him sitting on the bed, watching me.

“Well, unlike you I don't know how to wash my clothes with magic, so I need to wash it with water, which makes me have to have spares to wear while the wet ones dry.” He shakes his head. “What?”

“You could ask me to do it. That spell is effortless.”

“What? You want to do my laundry for me?” I chuckle and he shakes his head again.

“It is practical. It saves you the trouble of carrying dispensable weight. I do not mind doing it until I can teach you.”

“Well, if you really don't mind... sure.” I look at the shirts and pants then. I select two grey shirts, one sleeveless and another with long sleeves and one black pair of pants and the black footwraps. I take two panties too and the cloth rags in case that damn period decides to start while we're on the road. I leave all the rest in the tent. The bag gets so much lighter that it doesn't even feel the same. I look at the books and decide to carry only the resource ones and the elvhen diary, along with the drawing case.

Everything ready and waiting for the morning I go to bed. I take off the footwraps and crawl over to the other side, past Solas. I lay on my side so I can look at him. “What are you going to do today? I guess you've already packed.”

“Yes. As you probably have already noticed, I do not carry much.”

“I did, yeah. So... what are you going to do?”

“I have not decided. There is no point in starting the Ocularum research yet, there is nothing I need to do in Skyhold at the moment that cannot wait until we return.”

“You'll keep me company, then?”

“If you wish.” I sigh.

“Solas, what do  **you** wish? I want to know what  **you** want to do.”

“There is no point in telling you.” I frown.

“What?” He sighs.

“What I mean is what I wish cannot be done, thus it is pointless to reveal it.”

“I'm pretty sure I've told you pointless stuff, and I want to know everything about you, did you forget that?”

“Is that so?”

“It is. Now spit it out. What do you want?”

“I want cake.” He says and I have a little difficulty to believe I heard it right. Well... chocolate cake with chocolate filling and chocolate frosting with chocolate chips on it would be awesome really... hmm.

“Damn you, now I want cake too.” He chuckles. “And I doubt they have chocolate here.

“I warned you it was pointless.”

“I want ice-cream too. Have you ever eaten it?” He shakes his head.

“What is it?”

“It's a dessert made of milk and something to flavor it, like fruit. It's served cold and it's a little bit more solid than a cream. If you don't eat it fast it melts. In the game Sera talks about it, I wonder if it only exists in Val Royaux, or if it's something made up.”

“I will inquire about it, I have to say it got me curious.”

“So... since we can't have sweets... what do you want to do instead? Or talk about?”

“I would ask you to tell me more of your.. past, but that is best left for the Fade.” He sighs. “Perhaps we could talk about other topics.”

“Sure. But I doubt you're comfortable looking at me from over your shoulder. Come... lay down.” He sighs again. I wonder what's going on with him. He removes his footwraps and the tunic, but keeps the shirt, and lays down on his back beside me. “That's better, my neck is also glad.” I chuckle and he smiles. “Something you want to talk about? I'm not really good with bringing up topics, really.”

“How comfortable are you to talk about intimate questions with me?”

“I can talk about anything, really. Specially with you. I mean... would be easier if I could write... speaking is... weird... but yeah... Just throw it at me.

“After your revelation earlier I find myself wondering about your self-control. One would find it difficult not to act upon such intense desire.” Sometimes I wish he was more direct... what exactly are you asking, Solas? I frown.

“What do you mean?”

“How are you still virgin?”


	73. Chapter 73*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get intimate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Before you start the chapter I'd like to say a few things:  
> 1 - Have you noticed the change in rating and tags? This chapter is the reason.  
> 2 - I said I wouldn't warn content but I thought "what if there are people who don't want to read that kind of thing?" So well, sorry for the spoiler, there is smut ahead. If you don't want to read it stop when Solas casts the spell to ward sounds, but keep in mind you'll be losing development in the story. Last paragraph is safe.  
> 3 - The purpose of the smut is not to have porn in the story, it's to show how their relationship takes another step. There is development in the middle of it, hence my need to write it. I didn't want to delve into smut territory, but as the story flowed I felt it necessary, there are things in there that I thought wouldn't be as nice to be told in another way.  
> 4 - The chapter is long as hell, I usually wrap chapters at 4-5 pages, this one is 10 pages long.  
> 5 - This is my first time writing smut.  
> 6 - I hope you like the chapter :) Thank you for your support! <3

“Oh. You think I would be desperate because of the hormones?” I chuckle. “Sure my body screams at me to throw myself at the first man I see, well, the first good looking one... anyway... I used to think I would do it pretty early, you know? My body started asking me for it pretty early, but I never indulged it. First I thought it was wrong, then I was afraid of doing it, not to mention I only met awful guys, then when I thought I was comfortable with the idea of doing it I never found someone I trusted. There was a guy I liked, but I knew I would regret it terribly if I did it with him. He was the kind of man that would go out with many women, he was handsome and he knew it, and he used them for his pleasure. He didn't like me, he wanted my body. That's basically it. I didn't do it because I didn't like the options, as I told Sera.”

“Even when your body tortured you for it.”

“There is something my mother told me that is true: desire is something that comes and goes away. I just chose to let it go away. Damn thing is awful but I don't indulge it.”

“And have you never... sought pleasure by yourself?”

“Heh, I can't believe I'm having this talk with you. Let's be fair, I answered an awkward question, answer me this one first. Have you?”

“Yes.” Why am I not surprised? He's a man after all.

“Alright. Well, I have. As I told you, my body awoke early... before I knew what I was doing, I was doing it. I was shocked to find out what I was doing was that. It took me years to decide to touch myself though.”

“You did it without touching?”

“Yeah... pressure and leg movements do wonders.” I chuckle. “When I was a teenager, almost an adult really, I was curious enough to try touching. Got to admit I didn't like it much. It's messy and... uncomfortable.” He hums. “So I... improved the other way. Took me years, though. I'm not a fan of the thing, so I barely did it, can't improve fast when I barely do it, right? I only did it when I was too desperate.”

“So you do it by pressure and leg movements?”

“The improved version added contractions to it.” He hums.

“But you do not like doing it.”

“What can I say... it's awkward... as much as it feels good it's... annoying? Bothersome? I don't really know... I wish I didn't have to do it. When things are really bad it's awful because once isn't enough. So when my hormones are back to normal I'm relieved I don't suffer with it.”

“Did you do it when you were in the Storm Coast?”

“Hell no. I was mortified enough just by wanting it.”

“You do have great self-control.”

“Guess I do when I  **really** don't want to do something.” Could never continue a diet for long, and I would always go back to eating my nails... It's surprising I haven't been eating them since I came here. “It surprises me you were curious about this.” I look at him and I can't read his expression. It doesn't help that he is laying on his back, looking at the ceiling, and I can only see half his face.

“I am curious about many things. It just happens this topic was the closest to mind.”

“Because of the talk earlier?”

“That is one of the reasons. I have been observing you, and as much as you are shy, you showed me how you are also mischievous, and after this morning I found myself thinking about how much... desire... you have inside. I have never met someone with that much self-control.”

“Well, you were pretty controlled in the game, so I guess you are too.”

“What do you mean?”

“As much as you wanted the Inquisitor, you would always pull away and leave. It never went past a kiss or a hug. And some butt-grabbing.”

“It makes sense. She did not know who he was. It would not be right.”

“Yes, I know. Still, self-control. It was very obvious how painful it was.” It hits me then, is this being painful for him? “Solas... is this... us... do you... are you...” I take a deep breath. “Do you want to go further?” He closes his eyes and I notice he's taking a deep breath. He wants it, doesn't he? I bet he's starving for touch.

“It has been a long time. I still have many emotions to sort through. This we have between us is intense, sometimes overwhelming. But do not worry, I would not ask it of you.” Shit... what can I say to that? It's not like I don't want it. Hell... I want him. After a few seconds of silence I place my hand on his chest, over the shirt, his heart is beating fast. He looks at me then, eyes full of some emotion I don't know. But he seems troubled.

“Was that a yes, or a no?”

“Both.” He probably wants it but thinks he shouldn't. I'll fish.

“If I asked you, would you do it?” His eyes go wide.

“It would not be right. This is too soon.”

“So you wouldn't help me with it?” He turns his head back to the ceiling and closes his eyes, sighing.

“That is hardly fair.”

“What is?”

“To say it that way.”

“But it's the truth, isn't it? Even if I was desperate and hurting for it you would still refuse, right?” He sighs and takes his hand to his forehead, eyes still closed. I can feel him very tense. He swallows and his delightful adam's apple catches my attention.

“No.” He says opening his eyes, he looks at me with the same hungry face he had yesterday. “I would not be able to resist.”

“Then let me help you.” He raises his eyebrows. Surprised, my love?

“What are you suggesting?” I take a side glance at his hips and as I thought, he's hard.

“I agree this is soon, as much as I want to do it with you, hell, I want it badly...” I chuckle nervously, “I'm still not ready for it.” He seems focused. Maybe I got him confused? Or is he curious? “That doesn't mean we can't play.” He frowns, then relaxes and frowns again. I think he is fighting with himself about what to say.

“What-” I interrupt him.

“I want to do something with you. Do you want to?”

“Are you not telling me what I am supposed to agree to?” I smirk.

“You said I could see you naked.” He chuckles.

“Is that what you want?”

“Well, part of it.”

“And the other part?”

“I...” I take a deep breath. “I want...” God, this is hard to say. Harder than I thought. I said so many embarrassing things already but now I can't say this.

“Do you  **really** want it? You seem nervous about it. You do not have to do anything because of me.”

“I'm nervous about  **saying** it.” I laugh. “I want it... I always wanted it. Hell... why is it so hard to say it? Guess Love can't help me with this...” He raises an eyebrow.

“It must be quite... wicked... as you say, for you to have such difficulty telling me about it.” I can't help laughing. I take a deep breath. Hell... I want some help here. And when I think nothing is going to help I feel hot. Really hot. Solas seems to sense something because now he has both eyebrows up. “Are you well?”

“Yes... just... wickedly inspired... if you get what I mean.” I chuckle. Well... whoever helped me, I thank you. “I think a spirit is helping me get the words out... it doesn't feel like Love, though.”

“Hm. Which words can be so hard to speak?”

“Well, Solas... I want to touch you, and run my nails over all of you, and bite you, and lick you, and suck you, and... drink you.” His mouth is open in surprise, but then he swallows again, only to sigh.

“Wicked indeed.” I think he's going to go away or something, but he smirks. “Is that what you have been thinking about doing to me?”

“Well... that  **and** more... but that is what I can do now, if you let me.”

“You know I cannot let you do that and receive nothing in return.”

“Oh I'll be receiving something. Something I believe will taste great, really.” I laugh and he is surprised again.

“Enasa, I have to say it. You do not cease to surprise me.” I lick my lips and then my canine. I feel his breathing becoming uneven under my hand.

“So... Solas... are you going to let me?”

“You should be resting.”

“I won't be doing anything strenuous, and this will be relaxing. Specially for you.”

“You are the one who needs to relax.”

“Then make me.” His eyes go wide before he smirks. “After I make you.” He shakes his head.

“How did your rest come to this?”

“Well, you decided to ask about my hormones.”

“Remind me not to talk to you about sex.” Hmm. Does he really not want to do it? “When you need to rest.” He adds.

“Solas,” I sit up and continue, serious. “Be honest with me. Do you want this? I want it but if you want to wait I don-” He sits up so fast and kisses me with such hunger that I can barely register it happening. After he sucks my lips thoroughly he lets me go.

“I do want it.” He caresses my cheek. “I want you.  _ I love you, Enasa. _ ” My eyes go wide and my heart feels like it's going to jump out of my mouth, my chest is so tight. I feel tears coming down my cheeks and he catches them with his hands. “Why are you crying?”

“You... you love me?” He raises his eyebrows.

“Of course I do. I told you about my feelings. I showed you my memories. I am here with you. Do you not believe it?”

“You said you didn't know what it was, that you had to think about it... I thought you... well... you never said it...”

“There are many things to consider, this connection I have with you is new, the intensity of this feeling is new to me, but I do know what it is. Are words so important? Have I not shown you how much you mean to me? How much I wish to be with you?”

“I was unsure... I... thought you had doubts...”

“There are no doubts when it comes to you. Something inside me tells me as much.” He catches more tears. “If I knew you needed to listen to it I would have said it sooner.  _ I love you, my heart. _ ” I throw myself on him then, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“Oh Solas...  _ I love you _ ... so much... so damn much...” I say close to his ears as I enjoy the closeness to him, too bad I don't have the strength to hold him even tighter. His arms hold me tight and after a while he cups my head to kiss me. I can feel his feelings for me much more intensely than before. I guess he opened himself for me again, and it makes me even happier.

Hugging me tight while we kiss, he lays down again, pulling me over him without separating our lips. As things evolve from deep affection to heated desire I end up straddling him again. His hands keep my body still and close to his. He is hot and I'm burning from inside. At some point he stops kissing my lips and his mouth explores my jaw while his hands touch my butt and sneaks inside my shirt on the back. When his breath hits my neck I shiver and the moment his lips touch the skin I can't help gasping. “Do you like this?” He asks, a little breathless.

“Yes.” I say, words hard to come out. My eyes are shut and I'm trying not to lose my senses.

“Relax.” I can't relax... if I do... I don't know what will happen. He licks and sucks lightly on my neck and I become tenser. “Relax,  _ my heart _ . Let yourself enjoy it.” I try to relax, but as I do everything feels too intense and I hold back. He removes his hand from inside my shirt and holds my cheek so I can look at him. “Do you want to stop?”

“No... it's just... I don't know... what if someone comes by? What if others notice it? What if... I end up making sounds?” He caresses my cheek softly and gives me such a gentle smile.

“Do not worry about it. You have already warned the others you will be resting. And considering the type of companions we have, they are already speculating what we might be doing.”

“That's true...” And to think about it makes me embarrassed. But there's no helping it, right? They talk whether I do something or not, and it's not their business anyway... this is our happiness. And there is no other place I'd rather be right now. “But...”

“As for sounds... I can do something about it.” He removes his hand from my butt and I notice him moving his fingers on the air beside me. As the movement ends I feel a surge of energy around us. “Nobody should hear anything that happens inside this tent now. Is it enough for you to relax?” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Relax... can I relax? Can I fully open myself? I trust him, there is nothing stopping me now. I open my eyes and nod. He kisses me again and as I relax into his embrace I can only feel him and me, there is nothing else in the world but us and this amazing feeling between us.

His lips travel from my lips to my neck again, and as I allow myself not to worry about anything else and just feel his touch it's like electricity running through my veins in my whole body. The moment his teeth runs on the skin I shiver, and when he decides to bite me I feel a delicious heat in my belly. I can't help moaning and trying to get closer to him, which makes me rub myself over him. I feel his erection under my hips and it doesn't make me self-conscious, it makes me want him more.

With some difficulty, because damn, I don't want to part from him, I pull myself up and he looks at me a bit confused, before he can say anything I kiss his neck, and I lick him all around it. His adam's apple is specially tempting with the movement of him swallowing. His breathing becomes heavier as I lick over his vein, pulsing so strongly under my tongue. I run my teeth carefully over the skin, I don't want to hurt him, and I feel goosebumps rising under my lips. I feel him twitch under my hips and the feeling of it gives me the urge to bite him. I lock my teeth on his neck while I move my tongue in the area in between and he hisses. Feeling his skin with my tongue is just as amazing as I thought it would be, and I want more of it. His hand on my butt grabs me harder and I end up pushing my hips down on him, and he groans while I let a moan leave me.

Sucking lightly on his neck, I move his shirt up, not realizing I was sitting on it. The movement as it slips from under me makes me hiss and I press my fingers tight on his belly. He lets out a soft moan and I stop teasing his neck to kiss his lips hungrily again. The kiss is a battle for who sucks whose tongue and lips. I want his and I feel he wants mine, and neither of us wants to just let the other play. I manage to remember what I was doing and continue on bringing his shirt up, feeling his hot and soft skin under my hands. We break the kiss so I can remove his shirt with his help.

I sit back to admire the view and my mouth waters. I swallow and then lick my lips, thinking about everything I want to do with him. I want to taste every bit of him, after touching the whole surface of his body. His skin is so pale and I can see many freckles all around, there are many thin veins visible as well and it makes me want to run my tongue over the length of all of them.

I look at his face and find him looking at me with hungry eyes and a smirk. “I see you like what you have found.” I suck my lower lip and run my fingers over his belly. That is a six pack right there, so strong and yet so soft to the touch. I scratch lightly my way up to his chest and he hisses. I take a peek and see he closed his eyes. Without taking my eyes off of his face, I continue to scratch him as I lower myself to lick his abdomen. The moment he opens his eyes with shock I can't help the smirk. “I see you meant it.” He says with a rough voice and I hum in question. He continues. “You do seem to want to touch and lick me.”

“Don't forget the rest, I do plan on doing all of it, if you let me. Will you let me?” His hands hold mine against his chest and then he runs them up my arms. I lick him while I wait for his answer, trying not to become distracted by his touch.

“As long as you let me touch you.”

“You're welcome to do whatever you want with me.” I'm surprised by my own words, and I see he is too. I don't want to break the moment with embarrassment, though, so I lick him all around. His skin has a herbal taste to it, and not at all salty with sweat, I wonder how he can keep so clean. And damn... he smells heavenly. It's such a heady unknown perfume. It's delightful and I want to stay this close to him forever. I end up rubbing my face on him like a cat would, and as I do I realize a bit too late that I pushed my nails against his skin. He gasps and I look up, to see what I'm doing. “Oh, sorry. I didn't realize-”

“Don't.” He says quickly and panting. “Do not apologize, it feels good.”

“I don't want to hurt you.”

“You are not hurting me, and even if you do, it would be a good pain, and it would be healed.” Hmm... so he likes when I scratch him hard... that's good to know. His hands are tight on my shoulders and he pulls me closer to kiss me. The movement ends up making me rub harder against his erection, and I wonder how hard this is being for him, because, well, he is very hard under me.

“Can I see the rest of you?” I ask, breathless, when he finally lets go of my lips. He doesn't answer me, he goes straight for my neck and after an open mouth kiss he sucks lightly on it. I moan a bit louder and he bites me, which makes me whimper in pleasure and hold him tight with my hands on his shoulders. “Solas...” I say with a gasp and his hands travel down to my breasts while he continues to lick and suck on my neck. I can't think about anything, my mind is blank and at each movement he does with his hands and mouth I end up pushing myself harder against his hips. I feel him twitching under me and he groans. This must be torture for him, why doesn't he let me do something already? His hands on my breasts go lower and he pulls my shirt up, and I let him pull it over my head. He looks at my chest in a way I've never seen him look at it before. He was always so serious and sometimes seemingly unaffected by it, now I see how much he wants to touch me.

His hands grab both my breasts and he plays with the nipples with his thumbs. He seems to be focused on what he is doing. I'm not usually sensitive to touch there, but as he plays with them I can feel something good pooling inside me, and when he squeezes the nubs lightly I moan loudly as a jolt of pleasure runs through my body. Next thing I feel is his mouth on my breast and him squeezing the other. I move my thighs in an attempt to close them, instinctively, because I'm throbbing between my legs, and the only thing I manage to do is rub hard against his hard length, which makes the both of us moan. He lets go of my breast and lays back down, caressing my arms and looking at me with hungry eyes and a smirk. “Now you can.”

I don't waste a second, I move out of him, and it makes me realize just how wet and aroused I actually am. As I sit beside him my thighs move on their own, tightening together, and I can't help a few contractions inside me. Trying to ignore what my body asks of me, I move my hands to his hips and unlace his pants, bringing them down afterwards. He doesn't wear anything under them, so the moment I pull them down, his member jumps up and I can't help an “Oh” as I see it. I take a peek at his face and he is looking at me with his curious expression, probably wondering at my reaction. I always thought circumcised looked better, but damn... he looks really good. I want to touch him, and hell... I want to feel him in my mouth.

Taking a moment to breathe and admire his fully naked form on the bed, I see how impossible it would be to imagine him. He is gorgeous, and damn, the fact elves don't got body hair is awesome. I realize I'm burning with so much desire, nothing ever compared to this. And as my thoughts clear up a bit, I feel the full extent of the emotions coming from him. He is anxious about something, but he is happy and damn... he loves me, and wants me. My heart is beating fast, and I don't think I could ever be without this feeling. There is nothing bigger in me than my love for him. I give him a smile, and I hope he can feel how much I love him. His hand touches mine and his thumb caresses it while he smiles back, some of his anxiety fading. Was he unsure about me? About what I feel for him? I wonder what kind of life he had before we met, but now it doesn't matter. What matters is that he is happy here, and I am too.

I take the hand he was holding mine with and take a look at his arms. I'm not surprised to see they are strong and that his veins bulge under the skin. I touch them lightly with my other hand and I have the urge to lick them, and so I do. I start at his fingers, for which I had so much desire to do this since that very first day I got a close look at them. I kiss each of his fingers, then I run my tongue from his thumb up to his arm, bending over his body to be able to reach his shoulders. I can hear his breath getting louder and uneven.

I make a stop around his neck to lick it a little on the side I haven't touched yet and continue my way down to his collarbones. Such beautiful collarbones. My hands rub his shoulder lightly while I kiss his chest, then I wonder if he would like if I played with his nipples. I give it a quick lick with the tip of my tongue and he shivers. “Do you like this?” He gives me a worked up yes and I do it again. As I keep repeating the movement I feel him getting tenser. I stop and look at him. He is breathing through his open mouth and his eyes are closed shut. He should be relaxing not getting tenser. “Am I doing something wrong?”

“No...” he manages to say with some difficulty. “It feels good, too good. It is becoming... difficult... to hold back.” Oh. Should I explore more of him another time then?

“Guess I'll go down to the end of my list then.” I raise an eyebrow at him as I ask. He brings his hands to my arms and rubs gently.

“There is no need to. Continue on as you wish.” He says with half-lidded eyes looking at me.

“Are you sure?” He swallows and then gives me a yes. I kiss down his chest then. He removes his hands from my arms as I move them down his body, feeling his skin wherever I can reach. When I get down to his hip bones I can't help gawking. I haven't noticed them before, and damn, I love this part of the male body, and his is simply perfect. His belly is tense and it only makes the hip bones more noticeable and delightful to look at. I imagine it'll also be great to touch... But I need room to enjoy it.

I skip his hips and look at his feet. Such beautiful feet... his toes are so perfect, his nails are just as perfect as his fingernails. I touch the bulging veins and tendons with the tip of my fingers and run my hands up to his beautiful ankles. The strong muscles leading up to his calves scream at me to touch them, and I do. His muscles are firm but his skin is so soft that I can't help myself, I caress all around it, occasionally I rub a bit harder.

As I make my way up his thighs I feel the muscles becoming taut, I wonder if it tickles or if it's pleasurable, so I ask him. He tells me it's pleasurable between heavy breaths. Am I torturing him? I hope not. Continuing to touch his thighs, I want to lick them, and when I do he groans. I run my tongue flat up his groin, but I ignore his erection that is so hard and tempting right beside my face. I'll get to you in a bit, is what I think when I look at it. I lick my lips and sit on his legs, careful not to hurt him. Moving is a bit uncomfortable in my state, but it's a good kind of uncomfortable.

I place my hands on his abdomen, and run them down to his hip bones. Oh delightful hip bones. I start touching him from his thighs up to his hip bones and I tease him, moving my hands down as if I would touch him lower, but I never go there. I bend forward and lick his hip bones, sucking light on the skin. I surprise him by touching his member and he moans. He's so hot, hard and throbbing inside my hand. There are so many veins pulsing and it's amazing to see, and feel. Wondering what it would feel like on my tongue, I lower my head to it. The scent of him only makes me want him more, and I lick from the base up to the tip. I notice he is wet and it tastes nice.

I don't move my hand yet, I just hold him in place. I don't know what I should do about his balls so I ask him, he can barely answer me, but he manages to tell me to rub them if I want. I don't really know how to treat them, so I ask his help with them, telling me what feels better as I touch him, if I should apply more pressure or less. As I play with his balls with my hand I take my attention back to his pulsing erection in my other one. I notice the amount of liquid has increased and I can't help moving my hand to pull the skin back, revealing more of the sensitive head. As it comes to view I can't hold myself back anymore, and I take it in my mouth.

This is better than anything I could have ever imagined. It's hard and hot and tastes intense and really good. He starts making louder noises as I play with him and soon his hands find my shoulders. He starts caressing them but sometimes he holds them tighter. I can't put him all inside my mouth, he is too long for that, but his thickness is just so perfect. I wonder if he would hurt me when we have ‘proper’ sex. If I could never get one of my fingers in I don't think I can take this. It feels delicious in my mouth, though. And I could suck him all day, really. At some point he becomes more tense and he holds my shoulder tighter. “Enasa... I...” His hands find my head and my hand and he stops me. I look at him confused and he is sitting and panting. “I... cannot hold it any longer.” He is very hard now.

“Great, that means I'll drink you now.” I tell him and he seems taken aback. “What? I meant it. I want it.” His hand on my face caresses my cheek and I turn my head to kiss his palm. “Lay back, Solas. Unless... don't you want me to?” He shakes his head.

“I did not think you would do it. It seems I was wrong.” He gives me a sweet smile and I kiss his palm again. He lays back down and I cup his balls once again, and as I start playing with them again he gasps. Satisfied that he is again lost in pleasure I lower my mouth on him, and I lick all around his veins before I take him inside once again, sucking him as the delicious thing he is.

It doesn't take long for his breathing to become uneven again, his belly and thighs to become tense and his noises to become louder. I love his noises, it gets me even more aroused and hot, and having him in my mouth feels just awesome. A few seconds later I taste something salty and sticky, it's a bit hard to swallow but I don't stop sucking him, I want all of it. At some point his hand finds his way to my face again and I see his flushed face, with a sublime smile and such caring eyes. I let go of him and he pulls me close to him. Our bare chests tight against each other.

His hand on my face caresses my cheek and the other one on my back holds me against him. After a few seconds the one on my cheek holds me and he brings his lips to kiss me. It surprises me. “Don't you mind kissing me after what I just did?” He seems confused at my question, frowning a little.

“Why would I?”

“Well... I've heard some men don't like tasting themselves.”

“They are foolish, you just provided me with so much pleasure and happiness. I want to kiss you. Do you not want me to?” I take my hand to his cheek and kiss his lips then. He doesn't seem affected by it in the least, he kisses me just as lovingly as before, until it gets heated again. “And now, as we agreed, is my turn to touch you.” Hell, I'm horny as fuck but geez... won't this be extremely embarrassing? “Do you not want me to?”

“I'm... I want... it's just... nobody ever touched my body before.” He kisses me softly on the lips then says:

“And I will treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Do not worry, I will not do anything you do not want me to.” I wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him hungrily on the mouth, sucking his tongue and lips again. I'm so happy and hot, I want him more than anything. I'm not sure how this is going to work out with my injured back, though.

“ _ I love you, Solas. _ So much.” I give him a swift kiss before I continue. “How are you going to do this with my back the way it is, though?” He smirks.

“You will see.”

Solas sits up and grabs my thighs so I sit on his lap. He kisses my lips again while his hands travel up my belly. As his hands touch my waist he breaks the kiss to play with my jawline. My breathing becomes more difficult as his tongue travel down my neck and his hands go up to my breasts. I can't think anymore, I allow myself to just feel the moment and his touch. My body is burning inside and at some point I realize I'm making noises, not really moanings, but something.

When he bites my neck I can't help a loud moan and as I dig my nails into his skin I realize I was holding his arms tight. His hands on my breasts squeeze them lightly and his mouth travels further down. When his tongue licks my nipple I notice the hand that was previously on that breast is now trying to get inside my pants. As he plays with my breasts it becomes harder for me to stay still, and I end up rubbing against him.

His hand makes it inside my pants and underwear and I feel his finger sliding around me. He makes a sexy noise as his hands get further in and I mewl as his finger touch my clit and then explore inside the slick folds. His mouth leaves my breast and go back to my neck, where he licks and sucks the skin while his hands play with me. It's too many areas being touched at the same time, it's overwhelming and I can't hold back a cry of pleasure when he bites my neck while squeezing my nipple and pressuring the clit. “You are so slick.” He says a bit breathless, close to my ear. His breath makes me shiver and I rub against his hand. “Can I remove your clothes?” I give him a breathless yes and he pulls me up after removing his hand from inside my pants.

I get off the bed and I freeze for a moment as I realize what I'm doing: removing my clothes in front of him, for him. Hell woman, you just sucked and drank him, his hands were inside your pants and his mouth on your breast and you're worried that you're getting naked? I take a deep breath and look at him. He is sitting on the bed, turned my way, looking at me. His legs are off the bed, slightly separated. At my hesitance he tilts his head. I shake mine and focus, this is something I wanted for so long.

I push the pants down, along with the underwear and step out of it. The scent of me fills my nostrils and I become self-conscious, I take a peek at Solas in the bed and I see he is hungrier than before. The energy coming from him is also much more intense. He extends his hand for me to hold and I do. He caresses my hand with his and then his other hand touches up from my hand to my arm.

Pulling me closer to him, he caresses my arms. His face shows me how much care is in his actions, how much love he feels, and I think I'm going to burst with so much emotion. He pulls me between his knees and his hands travel to my waist. The bandages don't allow him to fully touch me, but he turns me around to see me. I feel his breath on the middle of my back and he peppers me with soft kisses. “So many beautiful dots you have.” I chuckle a little nervous.

As his mouth travels around where he can reach on my back, his hands travel down from my waist to the sides of my thighs. He squeezes my legs lightly and then goes up again, stopping on my butt. I guess he really loves butts. He holds my leg and I let him move it over his, then the other, getting his legs between mine this time. I got no idea what he plans on doing, but I trust him, even if being this open is weird. “Sit.” He says between kisses on my back and caresses on my legs.

As I move down to sit on his lap he makes sure to keep some distance between his torso and mine. I feel his breath on my nape and as he moves my hair away I soon feel his lips on my skin again. His hands travel around my arms to my shoulders and I can't hold back some loud breathing. He sucks lightly on my neck and his arms wrap around me. He pulls me gently to him so I can lay my head on his shoulder and his hands travel around the front of my body. One on my breast, the other going down to my belly. “Relax,  _ my heart _ .” I let go of every worry and just feel. Our scent in the air, our breathing in my ears, his touch on my skin, his feelings traveling into me. “Let me hear your pleasure, do not hold back.” I swallow hard at his words, just at the thought of what he could be planning to do with me.

He licks and gives me gentle bites on my ear, but what really gets me is his breathing. His hand on my breast never stops playing with me and his other hand travels further down, but he moves to my thigh. Why does he tempt me so much? Is this revenge? He runs his nails on my thigh softly and I gasp, he then squeezes it gently and I end up moaning. His tongue travels down back to my neck and he starts licking and sucking me, and while I'm distracted his hand moves between my legs. I cry out with pleasure and he bites me, which makes me cry again and he hisses. I realize, then, that my hands are on his thighs under me, and that I was digging my nails into him. “Sorry.” I manage to say, breathless because his fingers are exploring outside and inside my folds, and it feels so damn good, better than anything I could have ever expected.

“Do not apologize,” he says before he runs his teeth down to my shoulder, “are you enjoying it?” And then he licks the skin while his hand on my breast squeeze the nipple lightly. I moan a yes and he continues moving the fingers between my legs. I encourage him to continue and he does, and as his mouth travels back to my neck and his finger tempts my entrance my mind starts becoming blank. This feels too good. “Tell me if it hurts,” he says before he attempts to insert one finger. I'm too wet and horny so it doesn't surprise me that it starts smoothly. He tries a second and that is too much, and I tell him so. He kisses my neck and then keeps only one finger down there. As he tries to push it more inside it hurts a little, so he stops. I don't think he could put even half his finger in, but he keeps it there while he starts playing with my clit with his thumb.

It's not long before I'm losing myself to his touch and the extreme feeling surging through my body. The pleasure is too much and I feel his finger being squeezed inside me while I cry out and squeeze his thighs with my hands. I end up letting myself rest against him limply and he attempts to move his finger further in as I come down from the orgasm and damn that feels strange but good. I tell him so and his hand on my breast come to hold my face, he caresses my cheek and then turns my face towards him to kiss me.

His finger inside me isn't moving, neither is his hand, he is giving me time to recover while his tongue plays with mine. I'm not surprised to be still hungry for more, and I feel he is starting to get hard again behind me. I wonder how we're going to solve this, because I'm sure I would want more if I was to treat him again.

Before we even break the kiss he is moving his fingers again, and the hand that was on my cheek goes back to my breast. I moan into his mouth and he sucks my lip with more desire. At some point I can't continue kissing him anymore, my body doesn't answer my commands and I just rest against him while the pleasure builds stronger. His mouth takes to play with my exposed neck once more. I cry in pleasure not much time later and I wonder how many times he plans on making me come.

He is definitely erect behind me now. I realize after my senses come back to me that his finger is further inside me now. Sneaky finger. I'm getting tired but damn... am I still allowed to want more? As if reading my mind he says: “One more, Enasa.” And he kisses my cheek lovingly. I turn my face to kiss his lips and we kiss each other with pure love and care.

And then he curls his finger inside me and I feel a jolt and gasp into the kiss, mewling as he continues the motion. I don't know how he has such coordination but god, he moves his thumb on my clit and his finger inside me with such nice rhythm that I can't think anymore, and hell, I can't keep quiet. It's just too damn good, and I tell him so. He goes back to playing with my neck and when I think I'm going to come again he bites my skin and it's just what was missing to complete it.

After I'm relaxed once again he slips his finger out of me and it's strange to be empty once again. His arms hold me tight, and I feel the slickness coating his hand. He kisses me many times on my shoulder, neck and cheek before I can turn to kiss him back.

I know he's hard and I want to play with him again, I can't let him in this state either, it would be cruel. If I was sure it wouldn't hurt I would invite him into me, but I know that wouldn't work very well. “Solas...” I say, breathless, “you're hard again.” He chuckles and I kiss him softly. “Let me fix that.”

“There is no need to.” I take my hand to his cheek and caress him.

“I want to.” And I kiss him lightly again. “Can I?” He hugs me tighter and I close my eyes as he brings his lips to mine once again. I feel him moving under me, actually, moving me with him. His arm lifts my legs and I open my eyes to see him turning on the bed. He places me beside him and I sit over my ankles, watching him watch me.

“Can I taste you?” He finally asks, and it surprises me. Does he really want to? “There is a way we can both finish simultaneously.” Oh. Does he mean that? I nod and he smiles. “I will need you to sit on my shoulders, would that be a problem?” You mean sit on your face... oh my god... That's so damn embarrassing. Well... I've had my face on his crotch why can't he have his on mine? I nod. This will be awkward but well... might be good too.

Solas lays back down and extends his hands to me, I take it as my cue to approach him. How can I do this properly? God this is so weird. He touches my leg softly and I straddle his chest, but he pulls me back towards his shoulders, when I think he is satisfied with my position I lower myself and grab his member in my hand. He is hot and pulsing and I want to feel it in my mouth again.

I take my other hand to his balls and he gasps when I squeeze it lightly. He supports my hips with one hand and the moment I feel his finger caressing around my folds I hiss. I lick the head and he moans, which makes me smile. I take him inside my mouth while one hand massages his balls and the other moves slowly over his length. I feel his tongue on me and it feels so strange but so damn good. He laps all around me and my breathing becomes difficult. He inserts one finger in me once again and I can't simply moan into his member, I cry loud in pleasure as he curls it. As his touches get more intense I start moaning while I suck him, and that seems to make him be more intense with me too.

It's not long before we both are too worked up on it, and I can't even think about what I'm doing anymore. Everything is so intense and good and he feels great pulsing inside my mouth like that. The waves of pleasure fill my body and not a second later I feel his salty seed in my tongue. Swallowing everything I let him go after he's done. My body feels like jelly and I don't think I'll be able to move the rest of the day. And talking about day... what time is it?

Solas helps me move out of him and I turn so I can lay beside him. The moment I lay my head beside his he caresses my cheek and I see his glistening lips smiling at me. “Did you like it?” I end up asking before I could restrain myself.

“Very much.” He says before he runs his thumb over my lower lip. “Do you mind if I kiss you?”

“Please do.” I say with a laugh and he licks his lips before getting closer to kiss me. His hand that was on my face ends up on my back and he embraces me. I taste myself on his mouth and it's a curious taste. We are both a bit breathless but we don't break the kiss. It's a slow and loving kiss, and I realize my hand is caressing his cheek while I kiss him. At some point we stop and I lay my head on his shoulder. “I don't think I'm having dinner tonight.” I look at the tent's flap and it seems to be dark outside.

“You should eat.”

“Well... I've eaten.” He pinches me lightly on the arm. “Hey!”

“Food. You need food.” I lick his shoulder to tease him. “I am not food, as much as you seem to enjoy tasting me.”

“Oh you have no idea how much I enjoy it.” I laugh. “But really... I don't think I can move, Solas.”

“I will bring you food later, then.”

“You spoil me, you know that?”

“I seem to recall someone deciding treating my body needs was more important than resting. So who is spoiling whom?” I can't help the smirk and I kiss him.

“ _ I love you. _ ” He hugs me tighter.

“ _ I love you, Enasa. _ ”

 

And we stay like that for some time, in silence, enjoying each other's presence, until he decides it’s time I should eat. So he stands up, casts his spell on his body to clean himself, then he casts it on me and I'm pretty sure it could very much cause me to get horny again, but it's quick and I've been thoroughly treated so it only gives me delicious tinglings. He cleans his clothes and puts them on, which makes me sigh in disappointment because I won't be able to see his handsome form anymore. He smirks and shakes his head, then after cleaning my clothes for me he hands them to me. I put them on and lay back on the bed while he goes outside to get us dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. what did you think? Did you skip through it? Did you read it? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Want to let me know? I'm very curious about your opinion on it.


	74. Chapter 74

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting the spirit who helped and talking to Wisdom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 20.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Thank you all very much for the comments on last chapter! I was really anxious to know what you would think about it and I'm relieved, and happy, that it was good and you liked it! <3  
> And again, thank you for you support! <3

Solas enters the tent with two bowls of food and a smile. I sit up lazily on the bed. I could really stay there the rest of the night. I'm not sleepy, but I'm really slow and relaxed. He gives me the bowl and sits beside me.

“You look well.” He says with a smirk. I laugh.

“That is an euphemism, really. But I feel a bit... lethargic.”

“That is good, it means you will not have any ideas besides resting.” I squint at him and he chuckles.

“I have ideas... I just can't do them.” He shakes his head, still smiling. “Did they give you any trouble? Asked anything?”

“They did, actually. Sera was specially curious. Iron Bull, as expected, did not say anything. Varric wanted material for his book.”

“And aren't you going to tell me what you said?”

“I said nothing. They did not appreciate it, as you probably imagine. I believe they will try to satisfy their curiosity with you, tomorrow.”

“Well... guess they aren't going to get anything from me either. It's not their business... geez. If they continue with it I'll have to have a serious talk with them... and I hate it.”

“You will be fine, whatever you decide to do.”

“Talking about being fine... is it possible to talk to dragons?” He looks surprised.

“It used to be, with the Veil I am not sure.”

“Do you know how to talk to them?”

“No. I never had the opportunity.”

“Mythal can, right?” He nods. “Damn... I doubt Flemeth will tell me nicely. And I doubt I could find her any time soon either...”

“Is this because of the dragon in the Storm Coast?” I nod. “Dragons are proud territorial creatures, even if you learned their language you would need to prove yourself to earn their respect.”

“That means I would have to fight them anyway?” He nods. “Well... at least I wouldn't kill them...”

“You say dragons do not exist on your world.”

“My old world... that is hardly my world now. I live here, not there... anyway... yeah... they don't exist there.”

“Why do you like them?”

“Well, from everything I've seen about them, they are wonders of nature. People kill them because they don't understand them. They are dangerous? Yes, but they are part of the world too. They deserve to live, not to die just because of what they are.” I take a deep breath. “You know... one thing I hate about humans is that they think they are the only creature that matters. That everything is expendable and exists only for their needs. They kill animals for pleasure, they destroy whatever is on their way because they are too lazy to walk around it.”

“You speak ill of your own kind?”

“Only because I was born one of them doesn't mean I enjoy it, or that I don’t see their faults. There are good humans, sure, but that most of the time seems to be the rare cases.”

“I tease, but you say the truth, that is something my people disagreed constantly with the humans when they first appeared. And unfortunately I see that is a habit they have not abandoned, and that also crosses worlds. It does not surprise me that you are different, however. Your spirit is very different than what your body suggests.”

“I'm too good to be human, in other words.” I laugh. “Don't worry... I agree with you. But yeah... I like dragons, I won't kill them unless there's no way to avoid it.”

 

We finish eating and I go clean my teeth to go back to bed. It's no surprise to see that Solas also takes care of his teeth with magic. I leave the bowls near the entrance and get back under the covers, hugging Solas close. He tells me a bit of the history between elves and humans and when he's done we decide to go to the Fade.

I'm surprised by what I find when I arrive at the beach. The energy is intense, like that night in the Storm Coast. Nonetheless, I protect it as always. The wisps come greet me and I still can't see the reason for the change in the atmosphere. After a few minutes talking to the wisps, not that they answer with words though, but I feel their reaction, and it's enough, I see a handsome spirit coming from inside the cabin. I recognize him, and I can't help opening my mouth in surprise. At the same time I feel Solas' presence and I see him appearing in the usual spot. He frowns when he sees the spirit.

“Hello again.” The spirit says with a smirk. I sigh. Solas approaches to stand beside me.

“Solas, this is Lust. Lust, this is Solas.” I say, noticing Solas is still a bit... restless?

“I knew you would ask for me eventually.” Lust says, approaching us. “What was my surprise to see that it would not be with me, but with someone else. Still, it was good enough for me.” I frown in confusion, then it hits me. He is the spirit that helped me with my shyness.

“Oh... it was you.” I say and he nods, smile broadening.

“A pleasure to meet you, Solas.” He turns to the elf beside me, Solas tilts his head.

“How do you two know each other?”

“Remember what I told you about the Storm Coast? Well... another consequence was  **him** . He came to talk to me... to... offer his... help.”

“That I did, yes. Such intense energy you possess, how could I ignore? It was good you finally allowed me to help you today.”

“He was the spirit that helped you overcome your shyness earlier.” Solas says, understanding. “And what sort of help did you offer her before?” The spirit looks at me and I nod.

“I merely wanted to help her, she was aching, you know? And we could have fun together. But she didn't agree.”

“I thank you for your help today, though. I... didn't expect it to be you. I thought you would only help... er... directly...” Lust laughs, such a beautiful laugh.

“Oh no, that would have been great, really, if you're up to it I would love to. I could even entertain the both of you.” My eyes go wide and I was going to say no when he continued. “But I know you wouldn't agree to it.”

“Definitely not.” Solas says, his hand holding mine.

“But it's good enough to help you at a distance, like earlier.” He smiles. “You already receive much help this way, if you want I could continue to help you.” That would be extremely helpful in situations like that... I'm sure I would freeze without him... well, at least until I'm not shy about it anymore... god knows when that'll be. I look at Solas, he's serious.

“What do you think, Solas?”

“You would not have any ulterior motive to help her, would you?” He asks the spirit.

“Hah, of course not. This is mutually beneficial, as you know.”

“It is safe, as you already know he does not wish you harm. He could continue to help you, if you wish.”

“Well... it was very helpful.” I laugh a bit embarrassed. Solas caresses my hand with his thumb. “I... well... it wouldn't be like I'm doing anything  **with** you, would it?”

“No no, it would just be like... I influence you a little, so you can act without restraints from insecurities or any other foolish reasons, and in return I get to feel the energy you produce.” Right... feed on sexual energies... god... this is weird.

“Alright... I agree. You can help me in that way.” He smiles brightly then, and after a second he winks and licks his lips. I shake my head and he laughs.

“I believe we'll have much fun. Too bad it won't be  **together** .” Solas seems annoyed at that. “I left you a gift in your library. I think you'll like it. I'll leave now. Goodbye.”

“Bye...” I say and he disappears. I look at Solas and he is... relieved? “Well... that was... unexpected.”

“Why did you not tell me about him?”

“Er... I didn't think it was relevant? I mean, I didn't think I would ever see him again. I told him to leave me alone.” Solas hums. “I couldn't just come out of nowhere and say 'Hey Solas, a spirit of Lust came to tempt me to sleep with him!' That would be awkward as hell.” He chuckles.

“Indeed. Specially considering the circumstances back then.”

“Yes... Corypheus' army, then closing the Breach... then losing Haven... then finding Skyhold... there wasn't really a moment where I could tell you about him.”

“He emanates a powerful energy, and considering the reason he approached you... I am even more surprised at your willpower and self-control.” I raise an eyebrow.

“Well... it was hard... but... I couldn't... really... I couldn't bring myself to do it with anyone else...”

“You could have pretended it to be simply a dream.”

“I could... but it wouldn't be right. I knew it wasn't, I would be trying to lie to myself, and I felt disgusted at the idea.” I sigh. “It would either be with you or nobody.”

“You are precious.” His hand slides up from my hand up my arm, then stops at my cheek. He smiles and gives me a quick kiss, removing his hand from my face and holding my hand once again. “I want to take you to Wisdom, if you like.”

“Oh, of course. But I'm curious about his gift.” He tilts his head. “Come, let's take a look at that book before you take me to Wisdom.” I pull him while I walk towards the cabin.

The place is as it was before, it takes me a minute to find the book on one of the shelves. There isn't anything written on the cover, but the moment I open it I'm surprised by what I see. I shouldn't be, though, considering what kind of spirit he is. The book is a Thedosian Kama Sutra. I blush immediately.

“Your reaction confirms what I suspected.” He says and I take a peek at his face, only to find him with a smirk. I hand him the book. Solas goes through some pages and hums, before he closes it and gives it back to me. I take the book and put it back on the shelf. “It seems to be very thorough.” The smile still on his face.

“Er... do you think so?” I laugh nervously. He seems to be amused at my behavior.

“Considering your... wickedness... I thought you would appreciate the book.”

“You forget I'm really shy too.” I realize I'm playing with my fingers. God... to think the first book in my library would be a Kama Sutra... this is extremely awkward.

“Until you are not.” His expression turns tender. “Do you want to see Wisdom now?”

“Yeah... I guess it's better... it'll... take my mind off... things.” He holds my hand then, and in a second we are no longer in the cabin, but in a green field with a little creek about ten steps away. There is a crystal bridge crossing the water, and on the other side there is a gazebo, and Wisdom is sitting on a bench. She smiles when she sees us.

“Hello my friends. It is good to see you.”

“ _ Hello, Wisdom _ ”. Solas says with a smile, then looks at me and motions for us to sit closer to her.

“Hey,” I say while sitting down on the bench, “nice place you have here.”

“It is. The peace helps with the thoughts. But I doubt you came just to see me.”

“That is one of the reasons.” Solas says, still holding my hand. “However, I thought you could tell her personally what you have found about her health.” Oh, does she know something?

“Of course.” Her smile fades a little, and it worries me. “Knowledge knows much about your spirit, and we have been discussing your health by Solas' request.” Hmm... so maybe Knowledge is Kindness' friend that knows about me? I wonder when she's going to show up again... I don't know how to go after her. “You should speak to Knowledge to know more, but what matters now is that what your spirit is should not be related to your blocking of healing magic.” Hmm, so it's not because I come from Earth. “We concluded that it is inflicted upon you. A simpler term, while not fully correct, would be a curse.” Heh, I'm literally cursed, great.

“And is there a way to fix it?” I ask and try to ignore the look on Wisdom's face. She seems to be... pitying me.

“We do not know of anything that could remove it.” I sigh, her face said that before she even did. “However, the mark on your hand seems to affect it.” I tilt my head. “We all know it should not have this sort of power, it was not built for it after all, but it is affecting your health.”

“But you don't know to what extent.” She nods. “Well... at least now we know I can't be fixed.” I laugh bitterly. “'Learn to live with it' indeed...” I sigh. “Well, told you, Solas. It's my punishment.” I lay my head on his shoulder.

“The mark still affects you.” He says. “It could still be capable of healing you.”

“Even if it could, I can't control it to do that.”

“Perhaps you could, if you learned to.” I take my head off his shoulder to look at him.

“Are you saying I could learn to control the mark?”

“It is possible. We need to experiment.”

“Well, why not? Sure... whenever we can, let's try it.” Well... since we're here, maybe I should ask Wisdom for advice... “Wisdom, can I ask your counsel on something?”

“Of course.” She says with a smile.

“So far I could help better things... but I'm at a loss when it comes to the Grey Wardens. I know they are at fault, I know they will be sacrificing their own to summon demons,” I feel Solas hand tightening around mine but I ignore it for now, “I know where they will eventually be... but I don't know where they are at the moment... and I don't know how I can make it better. If I wait until it's time to act a lot of people would have already died.”

“You have people to search, yes?” I nod. “Have them search for clues around the areas where the Grey Wardens would usually be. They have a fortress in the West, that is common knowledge. Suggest where they could have gone to, as you did about the preparations for Haven and the people you helped rescue.”

“You made it sound so simple. Well, guess that's expected from Wisdom.” I chuckle. “Thank you.” I give her a big smile.

“You are welcome.”

“Wisdom,” I say, a bit unsure if I should ask but I'm curious. “What do you think of this plan of ours to bring down the Veil?” She gives me a gentle smile.

“It would be good to have the world whole again. But to achieve it in a proper way will take time, both sides have been apart for too long, their inhabitants would not know how to deal with the change.”

“I was wondering if I would live to see it. Guess you just confirmed I won't.” I say with a sad smile. Solas holds my hand tighter and I lay my head on his shoulder. “Still, I want it to happen, and I'll do my best to help him do it.”

“Kindness and Love were right, you do have a beautiful heart.”

“Heh... they think too highly of me.”

“And they were also right when saying  **you** think too low of yourself.”

“I'm... working on it...”

“So I've heard. I look forward to see the day where you will be confident and proud of yourself.”

“Well... thank you.”

“We should go,” Solas says, “I still need you to go through that script with me.”

“Oh, right. Sure.” I stand up and Solas does as well. “I hope to see you again soon, Wisdom. It was nice coming here.”

We say our goodbyes and then Solas takes us back to the beach. The energy is back to normal now, with no remnants of Lust's influence. We step into the studio and I show him more of the script until it's time to wake up.


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving for the Storm Coast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech.
> 
> I guess Grace is going to suffer quite a lot this time in the Storm Coast.. poor Grace. The world can't wait for her, unfortunately.  
> Thank you all very much for your support! I can't express enough how much I love the nice comments you leave me <3 And well.. 130 kudos is much more than I thought I would ever get. Thank you! <3

There is no better way to wake up than in Solas' arms, that is something I come to realize after another morning with him. I snuggle closer to him while I wait for him to wake up, but it surprises me that he doesn't take as long as yesterday. I guess he didn't have anything else to do today.

“ _ Good morning, my love _ ”. I say close to his neck.

“ _ Good morning, my heart. _ ” He kisses my forehead and then turns my face softly with his fingers so he can kiss me. Before things can escalate we part, we need to leave for the Storm Coast today.

“Guess I'll tell them about the Grey Wardens before we leave.” I tell him as we sit up. “It should give them time to find something, hopefully.”

“You told me they were involved before, but hearing about sacrifices and demons...” he sighs.

“Yeah... things are ugly... there is a really fat nightmare demon involved... I still don't know how to deal with it...”

“The more you tell me about what you know the worse things seem to be.” I chuckle.

“You have  **no** idea how bad things could be... and I have to prevent them... oh well... time to prepare.”

“I will let you prepare.” He kisses me quickly on the lips. “I will see if the harts are ready.”

Solas gets his things and leaves. I get out of bed and almost get a cramp while stretching. Guess my body won't ever get better. After going through my routine I pack what's left and leave to find the advisors. Thankfully they are already in the tent.

Getting them to send a team to the Western Approach ended up being quite easier than I expected. It helps that there were notes from the future in Redcliffe and they were searching for red lyrium. They could extend the search to include Grey Wardens. I tell them not to have the scouts talk to the Wardens if they find them, because the spirit who advised me said they couldn't be trusted anymore, so they should only observe and report back.

To my surprise, despite everything, Josephine asks about my involvement with Solas. I tell her we're together, and that I'm not denying it to make the nobles feel better about themselves over the elves. They should know about my speech as Inquisitor, after all. And with that I dismiss myself to have breakfast so we can leave.

 

Not surprisingly, Sera mentions my absence yesterday, suggesting I was too busy with sexual activities. My answer? “Even if I was, it's not your business. But I told you all I would be resting, and resting I was.” I was... most of the time, but they don't need to know that. They don't seem to believe me, though. Do I care? No.

Solas joins us soon after and tells me the harts are anxious to be outside again. He will be riding Amelan, and that was expected. Too bad I can't ride Reast yet. Other than Varric attentive look over me and Solas, everything runs smoothly through breakfast, and after we're done we move to the stables to prepare to leave.

The advisors arrive to see us off and Solas helps me get on the horse but it still hurts to get on it. I guess I'll be needing tea soon. Reast comes to check on me, I guess he noticed my distress. I tell him I'm alright and it seems to reassure him enough. It feels weird to leave Skyhold after so long trying to reach it, and then we barely could adjust to the place.

 

The road is completely unknown to me and Cassandra leads at the front with the map. Yeah... I still don't know how to follow a map. It's funny... I never had trouble following maps in game, but in real life? Nope. This area is colder than the paths around Haven used to be and I'm forced to wear my coat. I wonder how freezing it would feel without the mark's influence.

The companions talk amongst themselves and I just listen to their banter. They seem to be getting along quite well. Unfortunately, the longer we stay on the horses, the more my back hurts. I will definitely need tea. I take my marked hand to the injured region, hoping that the energy of the mark will help soothe it like it did that time with my wrist, but it doesn't change anything.

When we finally stop for lunch my body is rigid and aching. I can't move out of the horse without my injury sending painful shocks through my whole back. Solas helps me off of it and I almost cry into his arms. He lays me carefully on my side on the cold grass and it helps a little with the pain. “I will prepare tea,” he says.

“Is this really so urgent that she couldn't recover before we leave?” Varric asks.

“Yes.” Cassandra says before I could. “The sooner we act, the bigger the blow against Corypheus' forces.”

“And I'm needed for the rifts.” I add.

“This sucks. If at least we had a better way to travel...” Varric says then sighs.

“Don't worry... those cuts from the demon were worse.” I guess? I'm definitely not sure about it. “And I'll be fine in a week.”

“A week... d'you know how many things can go wrong in a week?” Sera asks a bit dramatically.

“Ah don't be so pessimist, Sera. We can protect her.” Bull says.

“Iron Bull is right. Our group is big, we can keep her safe.” Cassandra says.

“You can always count on my shield to protect you, Inquisitor.” Blackwall says and I remember he's with us.

“Thank you guys... I won't be just a burden you carry though, I'll do my part.”

“Just focus on getting better, Crystal.”

“Yes, Enasa, focus on recovering.”

I turn on my belly because staying on my side started to hurt and I see a ladybug on a leaf. So cute. I can't help smiling.

“Look at her, smiling silly at nothing.” Sera says. “Then she wants us to think nothin' happened. Pff.”

“Ah?” I turn my head to look at her. “What are you talking about?”

“You of course. Smiling at nothing.” I frown.

“I saw a ladybug and it's cute. That's why I'm smiling. Was. Before you annoyed me with stupid comments. Urgh.” I turn to look at the insect but it's no longer there.

“Colorful, free, flying and walking without a care in the world, doing their part and maintaining balance. You like every creature.” Cole appears, sitting beside me, and I notice he has the ladybug on his palm.

“That I do, Cole.” I give him a smile.

“You wish you could be like them.” The spirit adds as he watches the bug flying away.

“Heh, sometimes.”

“You're weird, yeah?” Sera says and I try to ignore her.

“Here.” Solas approaches with the tea and I sit up with some difficulty. My back hurts a lot.

“Thank you.” I give him a smile and take the cup.

“Do you think we will be able to continue today?” Solas asks.

“Well... give me some time for the tea to take some effect and I guess we can continue for some more hours before the injury tries to make me collapse in pain.” I chuckle.

“Is it that bad, Grace?” Dorian asks.

“On the horse? Yeah.” That actually gives me an idea. “Maybe I should walk.”

“Walk? So you can faint from exhaustion?” Cassandra says.

“Er... good point.” I sigh. “Well... guess there's no better way...” I still haven't trained to fly. Oh, wait. “Well, there is something, actually. Half of you could go ahead, and I stay behind with some of you and we go on a slower pace.”

“That is actually a good idea.” Cassandra says. “Who should go ahead?”

“Hmm. Cassandra, you take Iron Bull, Dorian, Sera and Blackwall. Solas, Varric and Cole will stay with me.”

“You need a warrior with you.” Cassandra says, serious. I sigh. Right... my team is too squishy.

“Fine. Iron Bull, you stay with us.”

“Gotcha Boss.”

 

After we all eat, Cassandra's group goes ahead while I wait for the tea to take effect. It takes a while, but eventually the pain fades a little. We get back on the horses and follow after them with Iron Bull leading us. After a few hours the pain is too strong again, and we have to stop before we normally would.

We go closer to a creek and Solas helps me take off the armor so I can go clean myself. He checks on the wound after I'm back to camp and we have dinner. Bull tries to break the ice with Solas, but it doesn't get much better. I don't think it will until Bull is no longer following orders from the Qun.

Varric ends up asking questions about Bull's old missions and I'm starting to believe he took it to heart the idea of writing a book with those stories. At least when they are busy talking to themselves they kind of forget to ask me questions. I never minded answering people, but talking to them could get me in trouble if I end up letting something slip.

I'm too tired and in too much pain to focus on anything, so there's no way I can train or study something. After drinking the tea I just try to relax so the pain would fade a little, but it's hard to relax when my back is aching the way it is.

So I wouldn't have to go back to the creek to wash my teeth I ask Solas to help me with it, and he doesn't mind. How more perfect can he be? He says it's practical, I say he's awesome. We end up sharing a tent, to the surprise of nobody, really. Because of the pain I can't even think about doing anything naughty, but I can still enjoy his awesome body so close to mine, and his gentle caresses on my skin, along with amazing kisses before we go to the Fade.

We meet there briefly. He tells me he's going to take the time in the Fade to meet with his agents before he has to wake up for his turn in the watch. I decide to spend the night working on my castle, which should have been completed in ages but so many things happened that kept me away from it. Well... great things happened too, can't complain.

 

I wake up in his arms, and I wonder when he got back to the tent. He's awake, and when he notices I woke up he caresses my cheek, which makes it impossible for me not to smile. How sweeter can he be? “ _ Good morning, Solas _ ”.

“ _ Good morning, Enasa. _ Sleep well?” He says with a gentle expression. I want to kiss him, and I do. He turns us so I stay over him and my back hurts at the movement. He breaks the kiss to apologize and I shush him so I can kiss him again. The pain can wait. After a few minutes of kissing and wandering hands, Bull calls from outside.

“Hey, you two, we should get moving.” I groan and Solas chuckles. He helps me off him and then gives me the tea that was waiting for me. How long was he waiting for me to wake up? And it hits me then, he  _ waited _ for me to wake up.

“Hmm... I guess I slept more than usual?” Cassandra always woke me up before first light.

“We thought it best to allow you more time to rest, you need to recover.” Solas says, wearing his tunic.

“Well, I definitely appreciate some more hours to sleep, considering when I'm awake it hurts. Guess with Cassandra's team ahead I could take it slow, right?” He nods.

 

When we get out of the tent Bull and Varric look at us with sly smiles. I look at them annoyed, I haven't even done anything and they're looking at me like that. What do they think I am? Actually... what kind of behavior couples usually have in Thedas? That ends up reminding me of Origins, when the Warden would have their sexy times in sight of everybody. Would that be actually a real thing? Geez...

We eat leftovers from dinner and I notice Cole likes to stay around the mounts. The harts seem to like him more than the horses, though. Varric asks me how I'm feeling and I'm honest with him. I feel like this trip is going to be a really long torture session. After everyone has eaten we pack up and get back on the road, which is really calm. Guess having a team ahead solves much of the stress.

Around noon I see someone approaching fast on a horse. Bull warns us it's Sera. I worry about what could have caused her to leave the others in search for us. I hope it's nothing serious.

“We were fighting some of those Tevinter goons and then out o’nowhere a demon attacked us.” She reports. “We killed it alright, but then another showed up. I sneaked past them and saw the reason: a big-ass rift not far from the road. So yeah, I came to fetch ya.”

“Well... that's what I'm here for.” I sigh, thinking about the pain. “Let's go.”

 

I can't speed up the horse otherwise I risk opening the stitches, but I tell Bull and Varric to go ahead and help the others. When I arrive a few minutes later I see them surrounded by demons. Shades and wraiths were the majority, at least four of each, but there were two terrors too. The companions don't seem injured, but for the look of goo and remains on the ground and on their clothes they have been at it for a while.

With Solas' barrier over them it seems to give them confidence to be bolder, and so their attacks become more aggressive and faster. I take the chance to freeze the demons to buy them time and things improve greatly to our side. Bull is a menace, ripping every demon he comes across to gooey shreds. When every demon is dead I close the rift and I see Cassandra's group slumping to the ground in relief. Guess they  **were** at it for quite a while, exhaustion showing on their faces. Solas goes to each of them to check for injuries and thankfully they only had a few scratches.

We talk about how our first day has been and take the opportunity to have lunch. It's a bit weird to eat after killing so many creatures, but well... this is how life is in Thedas, I should be used to it by now. Well, maybe I am, considering it's just  **a bit** weird now. After my group is done, we leave the others to rest while we move ahead. They will catch up with us quickly anyway. And true to it, about an hour later they pass by us and speed up ahead.

 

At some point Solas tells me of an artifact in the vicinity and we move towards it. If it was in a ruin before, the ruin is either completely destroyed or the artifact has been moved. It's sitting over a cliff, with nothing significant around to justify its presence. It's always sad to activate one of these, to feel the Fade being pushed away, but it must be done, so I do it.

Are you wondering if I'm in pain? Heh, I don't remember feeling this much pain in a while, but there is no escaping it. I have to endure. We stop to make camp and Solas helps me lay down on my belly. Varric finds fruits for me and it cheers me up a little.

I want to sleep, sleeping I don't feel pain... but I have to eat. I noticed I'm really skinny now... I'm probably going to be shocked when I look myself in the mirror. I'm not hungry, but I know I have to eat if I want to get better and not to get my situation even worse. Two days on the road and I already feel miserable. This injury was not acting up before, but now it seems to be getting more and more painful.

Reast comes close to me after a while. I notice the look of surprise on the others' faces and they watch the hart approaching me while I'm laying down at the grass. He nuzzles me after I greet him and I tell him I'm fine, that's nothing serious. He doesn't seem to believe me because he lays down beside me and nudges me with his nose again, and doesn't stop until I lean over him.

“Thank you, boy.” I say, accepting his comfort.

“Well, now I can say I've seen everything.” Varric says.

“Didn't know those harts could be like that.” Bull adds.

“If they truly like someone they treat them as kin, and offer comfort and companionship.” Solas explains.

“I don't know why he likes me so much, but it's great because I like him too.” I say with a chuckle, and I regret it because my back hurts. The soft sound of Reast's breathing is relaxing, and his fur is so comforting that I think I could easily fall asleep on him. Solas brings me tea before I can give into the temptation. “Say, Solas,” I say between sips, “have you seen anything in the Fade about harts?” He looks amused at me, maybe because of my choice of words?

“Indeed I have.” He says, sitting down beside me.

“Can you tell me about it?”

“Of course.” And he proceeds to tell me about how halla were connected to their riders, to the point of dying to protect them, and how they were vicious in battlefields when accompanying warriors. They indeed treated their fellow elves as kin. I wonder why Reast likes me so much. Love at first sight couldn't really apply here, right? But we do have some sort of connection. Whatever it is, it's nice to have a friend in him.


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Knowledge and continuing on the way to the Storm Coast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech

After taking some time to rest I decide I should go clean myself, even if I could ask Solas to use the spell it doesn't feel right to have him taking care of my body like that. It's best if I just ask him when I really can't do it myself. If only this pain would get better so I could at least try to learn it.

When I'm back to camp he checks on the wound and tells me it's bleeding again. Well... got to thank riding for it. If it continues like that it's going to take over a week to heal. To stop the bleeding I ask him to just toss vinegar on it. He doesn't like it, but he does it. After all, he knows it’s the only thing efficient enough on me.

Injury taken care of I go into the tent, without Solas this time. He is taking first watch. As expected, it's weird to fall asleep alone again. His presence beside me is too awesome to not be missed. But I'm too tired and hurting too much, so I lay on my belly and close my eyes, wishing sleep to take me to the Fade as quick as possible. It's not as quick as it would normally be, but I fall asleep soon.

This time, after protecting the beach, I'm visited by one of my spirit friends. One of the new ones. Without the others nearby to influence the energy I can feel her energy much more clearly: it's steady pretty much like Wisdom's but it makes me want to learn, it's some sort of strong interest at the back of my mind. Knowledge smiles and walks close to me on the bench. I motion for her to sit and she does.

“Wisdom told me you met with her.” She says, calmly. I nod. “I believe it's time for me to tell you what I know about you. It will help you on your journey.”

“She told me you believe I'm cursed.” She looks at the waves then.

“For lack of a better word.” She relaxes into the couch and crosses her right leg over the left, placing her joined hands over her thighs. She still looks at the sea while she continues. “I should start at the beginning. You were born in another world, then brought here. That, however, does not mean you do not belong here. In fact, if you think about it, nobody belongs anywhere, and at the same time we belong everywhere. We are just stranded momentarily in pockets swimming in the universe.”

“I guess...”

“As much as I collect and share knowledge since I was born, there is still much I don't know. Among the subjects I don't know about is the reason why we are stranded. As you have said before, and you were right about it, we all have our own evolutionary path. What lies at the end I do not know. However, sometimes those paths change, they reach a crossroad and the spirit may take a different turn. That is what happened to you.”

“Hm. I guess it makes sense, I was on Earth, living a path and then was brought here, where life evolves differently.”

“Yes, but it is not all. It was not the first time you have changed paths.” I frown, confused. “I do not know how, or what your path was before, but you possess a signature in your aura that says this much.”

“Signature?”

“Yes. Every being has an aura, and in their aura is registered everything about them, and if you know what you are seeing, it explains much. Your aura shows me you have been in different paths more than once. Perhaps that is the reason your spirit is so different.”

“Hm. So I not only have lived many lives but also in different places?”

“Possibly. And this experience makes you bright in the Fade. You are attuned to it in ways very few could become.”

“If only I had time to learn everything I could about it and make good use of this attunement.”

“Even if you cannot in this life, you could in another one. Should your path continue here, as you are.”

“Right, the spirit continues after death.” I would still forget everything but at least it would be easier to learn it again if I end up studying it again.

“When you were brought to this world you were not born, however, and this creates yet another signature in your aura. Few are the ones who can take shape at adult form.” Hmm. Wait... is she suggesting...

“Are you saying I'm like Cole?”

“In a way. You are still different, but you both took shape without being born. He is still not fully decided on what he is, he is in the middle. You, however, are what you are.” I am what I am, not at all a weird way of saying human. “This condition that was inflicted upon you is not due to your origin, but it still does not seem to have a cure.”

“Well, it was never implied that I could be rid of it. I mean, the person who brought me here stated I would be like this in like, a very definitive way, so yeah... I guess it's pretty much permanent.”

“Yet, the mark can affect you.” She looks at me then, a slight smile on her face.

“That's true, but... it doesn't heal me when I want it to.”

“You should be able to learn how to control it. But, that is not the point, what I mean is that although you are unable to be healed by any other source, the mark has a connection so deep to you that it is able to protect you, to heal you. By this point it is no longer just his Anchor, you have changed it.”

“Hm. This shouldn't happen from what I know.”

“From the events that you have seen you should not even be here, yet you are.”

“Well... that's true.” I fold my legs close to my chest and lay my head on my knees. “So... if I learn how to control the mark I can heal myself. That's what you're saying.”

“Yes.”

“And how do I do that? If even Solas, who created the Anchor, doesn't know how it's capable of healing me, how can I find out?”

“Studying it. Take time to observe, to experiment.” God... I already have so many things to do...

“Well... this doesn't seem easy... but I need to be able to heal myself if I want to survive this world.”

“You should not worry about dying, you know you cannot die. Yet you worry.”

“I don't want to find out how painful it would be, not to mention if the others found out things could get really messy. That's a complication I don't need.”

“Wise.” Reckless is something I'm not, thank you very much. “I noticed you want to know about some events of the past, I will leave you a few books to update you on those matters.”

“Oh, thank you very much! Whatever you can leave for me will be very helpful.” She stands up and walks towards the door, but stops.

“I will need time to concentrate on them, please refrain from interrupting me.”

“Sure. No problem.” Guess I'll finish that castle, it's just details now.

When I prepare to wake up I notice Knowledge is still deep in work. Knowing I shouldn't bother her I just leave her there, and wake up to find myself in Solas' arms. He is once again, awake and waiting for me.

“Do you like watching me sleep?”

“Yes.” He gives me a swift kiss, then. “How are you feeling?”

“It hurts, I don't want to get up.”

“I prepared your tea.” He says while playing with my hair. “I will let you prepare, then you should come outside to eat.”

“Eat, eat, eat. I know I'm skinny and probably look awful at this point.” I sigh. “Thank you for the tea, Solas. And for waiting for me. It's great to wake up with you beside me.” It was already too sad to fall asleep without him.

“Do not make me want to stay here.” He kisses my forehead and sits up.

“Well... I would... but yeah... I shouldn't. And I won't take long, don't worry.” And with that he stands up. I try to stretch and thankfully this time nothing bad happens and Solas leaves the tent after giving me the tea.

 

When I go outside and find them sitting around the fire, cooking something. I don't see Cole around, but since he disappears sometimes I don't mind it. They tell me they are making oatmeal for me, and Varric gives me some berries he found. Yay!

“Are you feeling better, Boss?” I'm surprised by Bull asking me this.

“Not really. I'm seriously considering walking now that we have a team ahead.”

“I guess we could do that.” Bull says. “It's better than your injury getting worse.”

“You don't need to walk with me, you can go on the horse.”

“You don't walk that fast to keep up with horses, Crystal.”

“I know, what I mean...” I sigh. “I don't know, you three could take turns in walking with me while the others go on the horse. I don't want to get everybody tired either.”

“Works for me.” Varric says and the others agree. I mean, the ones here. Cole still isn't back from wherever he went to.

“And I'm sure Cole wouldn't mind walking with me either.”

“Yeah, Kid is nice,” Varric looks around, “even though he tends to disappear without warning.”

“Well, we don't need help right now, he's probably out there helping someone in need.”

When everyone is done eating and things are packed Cole returns. He acts normally, doesn't mention anything and the others don't ask either. Bull still seems a bit uncomfortable with him around, but I notice that as long as Cole doesn't poke into his head they get along better than before.

I decide to start the day walking and that I'd get on the horse when my legs start hurting. First one to accompany me ends up being Solas. I'm not really surprised. Cole also walks beside me since he doesn't ride any horse.

“Everything going well in the Fade?” I ask him after the others are a little farther ahead.

“As well as it can be under the circumstances.” He says, looking ahead. “You should expect the herbs when we return.”

“Oh, that's awesome.” I'll finally start treating this shit. “I have news. Knowledge came to talk to me last night, and explained a few things. She's sure I can learn to use the mark to heal myself.”

“Why?”

“She says I have changed it somehow, that it's no longer what it was. That it's... more. I wish things were simpler when it came to me, but as always, they are never simple when it comes to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Things that happened to me, even my health, the way I do things, everything, really, they are just never simple. I think I told you once, everything about me is complicated. So yeah...”

“Regardless of complications it is good that the mark can still heal you, specially when nothing else can. I still have not found any other spell that could replicate the effect the mark had on you; but the way you are complaining I assume she has not explained how you are supposed to use the mark for healing.”

“Yup. She just told me to study, experiment and find out.”

“Then we shall. Next time we stop we should try it on your injury. Perhaps we can replicate the soothing you achieved on your wrist.”

“I've been trying, it never works.”

“If you give up it definitely never will.” I sigh. He’s using my words against me.

“Right. We'll try it when we stop.”

“Why are you reluctant in learning it? I expected you to look forward to having a way to heal yourself.”

“Don't get me wrong, I am... it's just... I'm moody... I'm tired, my body hurts, we're going to a place where it's raining all the time...” I sigh. “It's hard to get excited about anything at the moment.”

“I see.” He holds my hand and it surprises me, because well, we're in clear view of everyone, they only need to turn their heads our way. “I imagine it is hard, but try not to let the hardships get in your way. And you can rely on me.”

“ _ Thank you. _ ” I say with a smile, and caress his hand while we walk.

 

We continue together for about one more hour, then I have to get on the horse to rest my legs. My back doesn't approve, but I can't really continue walking unless I risk another injury. Some time later we spot Sera approaching again. I sigh, guessing it's another rift and that we'd have to move the horses faster. When she gets close she immediately tells us of the rift, and that it's worse than the last one, and to make it even better: Cassandra is injured. I tell them all to go ahead, leaving Cole to protect me. They seem reluctant at first but I insist and they go at full speed.

I try moving as fast as the injury on my back will let me, but it's still not as fast as would be ideal. When I arrive there, after helping me off the horse, Cole promptly leaves my side to help the others. I notice Cassandra doesn't seem to be favouring any place so I assume Solas already healed her.

The rift is indeed stronger than the one we closed yesterday, its energy is much more intense, and the demons coming out of it are stronger too. When I thought the fight was already ending a Fear demon comes out of it, and hell... it’s a fearful sight. And the energy coming out from it reacts to me in terrible ways: it makes me shiver and my legs tremble, my stomach gets cold and I want to run, but at the same time I don't have the strength to move. It takes me a few seconds to realize I'm not really afraid, but being influenced by its presence, and after I come back to my senses I can fight it normally.

It is a strong demon, specially when it succeeds in influencing us. I notice the moments when it happens because the others would hesitate or move further from it, before focusing again. If only one of this quality of demon is this strong, I can't even imagine what it would be like to fight the Librarians. I hope it doesn't come to that. I really hope that Solas can protect the Library before the qunari attacks. But... what if what happened to the Librarians isn't a consequence of the acts of the qunari, but from the Veil? What if the Library is already lost and corrupted? The paths were already interrupted because of the Veil, the rest might as well have been too. I shake my head, there is no point in worrying about this now. And with a final blow from Blackwall's sword the Fear demon disappears with a terrible wail. Wail... could it be this is what I saw in that beach? I try not to get lost in thoughts again, raising my hand to close the rift. I end up being pushed back, and I think that either my health is weaker again or this rift was really much stronger.

We take the time to rest and this time we move out together. Cassandra updates me on what happened, which thankfully was much less than yesterday. No bandits so far, only a few stray demons until they found the rift. She tells me there is a scout's camp nearby, so that we should move there and have lunch before continuing. Hopefully they will also have news for us.

 

Before we get to the camp we are hit by small and slow raindrops. I curse as soon as it happens. Even if it's just drizzle I can still become sick. Solas casts the protective spell on me as soon as he notices the rain, and also on himself. Varric immediately asks it for himself too and in the end Dorian and Solas cast the spell on everyone.

By the time we get to the scout's camp the drizzle is simply rain, but at least not a storm. I'm hungry and can't wait to get some food, and I'm happy to see they have some stew ready. The scouts tell us Harding is ahead scouting the area around Crestwood and that we should pay her a visit. She sent news to them about a huge rift in a lake and undead coming out from it. It seems I would have to fight undead under the rain sooner than I thought. And part of me hoped this was not something that really happened. Well... it did happen and now I would have to deal with it. It seems our trip to the Storm Coast would be delayed by a couple of days.


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Experimenting with the mark, studying and discoverying events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Updating a bit later today, sorry. I hope you like it :)  
> I've been so sleepy lately.. hope you all are sleeping better than me xD

Considering we couldn't get much farther before it was already time to set up camp, we decide to leave by first light the next morning. The extra time to rest is very welcome and after we've eaten and I've waited for the tea to take effect, Solas asks if I want to start the experiment with the mark. Well... guess as soon as I figure it out the better. At least if I get some progress it should make the wound hurt less.

We move farther from camp, but still in a safe area, so we don't make anybody uneasy with it. Some people already fear normal magic, the one in my hand is anything but normal since it can patch up the Veil and I imagine it would get people worried when watching us mess with it.

Since we couldn't find a good place to sit down we simply sit on the grass, one in front of the other. The spell protecting us from the rain is awesome, I don't think I could survive without it. Solas takes my hand and observes the mark for a few minutes, even running his magic through it. I feel a tingling but it doesn't seem to mean anything other than his prodding.

“I cannot find anything that suggests it has been altered further since last I examined it.” He says after releasing my hand. “Considering you were capable of soothing the pain on your wrist without even thinking about it, it should be easier should you will it to.”

“For some reason it doesn't, though. Whenever I tried it on purpose nothing happened.”

“Perhaps you should try using it as you would your staff.”

“Hm. I haven't thought about it that way. So far I tried to have the energy of the mark affect it, but I wasn't really willing it to do anything. So... to use it as a tool. Let's see.” I try to focus on the mark, trying to control its energy as I would the energy in the staff when I use it to launch missiles, but instead of launching missiles I try to replicate the feeling it gave me that day with my wrist. I don't know how to heal so I don't really know what I should will it to do. I feel the warmth of the mark, but it doesn't do anything. “I don't really know what I should make it do. I feel the energy of the mark over the wound, but it doesn't do anything.”

“Do you remember when I told you to search my body with your energy?” I nod. “Search the area of the wound, feel what is happening on it. Is your anatomy knowledge enough to recognize sensory nerves?”

“Hm. I know where they should be, but I have no idea how to recognize them.”

“Let us try another approach then. Concentrate on your pain, and will the energy of the mark to take it away.”

“Seriously? Something as simple as that should work?”

“It is not very efficient for you would not have as much control as if you knew exactly where you need to have the energy work, but should you get it to work it is already a sign that you can control the mark for healing.”

“Hmmm. Right. I guess that's probably what I did when my wrist was hurting.” Concentrate on the pain... get the energy of the mark to affect it and numb it. It takes me a while to be able to focus both on the pain and the energy of the mark, I wonder how I could do this before without even thinking, but I feel some effect. It definitely hurts less now. “Oh, it's working.” I try to continue, to increase the effect of the mark but there is a limit to how much pain I can reduce. “Can't take the whole pain away, but it's better than before.”

“Interesting. I wonder if it is due to the extent of the injury. It is, after all, much more severe than a sore wrist. But I suspect you could improve its effect by taking full control of the energy.”

“That means I have to learn how to heal, right?” He nods. “And I guess I'll have much to read... and since we don't have those books here that’s something that will have to wait until Skyhold.”

“Unfortunately. But we should be able to have some lessons in the Fade.”

“That would help a lot, really. I wonder if some of the books Knowledge left for me include anatomy books.” He tilts his head.

“Books from Knowledge?”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, she gave me a lot of books. When I woke up she was still working on it.”

“That is fascinating.” He goes quiet for a few seconds, expression focused; I guess he's thinking about something, then he continues. “I suspect the beach is not simply a place from your dreams anymore.” He looks directly at me then and I tilt my head. “I have been thinking and everything that has happened there leads me to believe it is a place in the Fade.”

“But isn't that what dreams are?”

“Not exactly, no. Dreams could be constructs by the dreamer or spirits, and when the dreamer wakes up that construct disappears, for it has no source. Your beach does not seem to follow this rule. At first I thought the constant presence of wisps was simply because they would feel your presence and be immediately attracted there, but when you wake up the place would cease to exist and they would go somewhere else. However, not once, but at least three times spirits were there without your presence. First the group of spirits who were waiting for you, then Lust, and now you woke up and left Knowledge to keep working. Not to mention the consistency of the building that does not seem to need your memory to exist, or the books of which you have no memory of.”

“So my beach is now a physical place in the Fade?”

“I believe it is.”

“That’s... I don't know... amazing? Absurd? Wow... how... how could it happen?”

“I suspect the influence you have on spirits and their constant presence on your dream established its existence in the Fade, turning it permanent.”

“Wow... so I  **do** have a place in the Fade.” I laugh. “Unbelievable.”

“It is remarkable.

“Solas... this makes me think about something,” I lower my voice, “something I can't say here. When will you see me in the Fade again?”

“You do need to learn healing and considering our only option at the moment is the Fade I believe I could start meeting you there again tomorrow. I still have some research to do.”

“Right. Remember me to tell you if I end up forgetting.”

“Of course. Do you wish to continue your elvhen lessons?”

“Oh I do, I do. The pain is not as strong now and I definitely could use something different now.” He chuckles.

“Always so eager to learn it.”

“Well... it's a language I really want to learn.”

“Then come, let us get out of this rain.” He stands up and I follow.

We get back to camp and I tell them of my progress. They seem as happy as I am with it; finally we got something that can help me. I excuse ourselves to the tent so we can have a dry and calm place to study. When I think everybody is going to be respectful and not tease me with anything, Sera can't hold back and says we're not really going to study anything but each other's bodies. I don't really know what to answer her that wouldn't get us into an argument so I just decide to get into the tent, ignoring her.

 

Studying goes smoothly, and I start to understand better the way sentences are formed. I guess I can start making sense of the diary soon if things continue this way. It would be nice if I had a dictionary, but I guess Solas is my dictionary. I'll have to take many notes, and I'm afraid I won't have enough paper. I hope they sell paper in Crestwood.

After Solas thinks it's enough for one day we stop and go back outside to have dinner. It's a fun night whenever they don't tease each other, and this is one good example. The companions indulge themselves in some wicked grace, and even Cole joins them. I don't stick around until they stop playing, though. I decide the more I sleep the better it should be to my health so I go to bed after cleaning my teeth. Too bad I won't bathe tonight. Or at least, that's what I thought before Solas comes into the tent and offers to cast the spell on me. I can't express enough how grateful I am that he doesn't mind it. Or maybe he enjoys seeing how I squirm at the energy flowing on my skin.

“Are you going to sleep early too?” I ask him after the spell is over.

“Yes. There is much to do.” I wrap my arms around his waist and he smirks.

“Good, it was awful to fall asleep without you last night.” He shakes his head and then kisses me. A hungry, intense kiss. When we part I tease him “Someone missed me.”

“More than you imagine.” He says while tucking my hair behind my ear. “But we should sleep.” I take off my clothes, noticing how his eyes go wide at the view, and lay down on my belly as if there was nothing out of the ordinary happening. He stays there, frozen.

“Aren't you going to join me?”

“I am... surprised at your choice of attire.”

“Well... it's hot here...” Not hot enough that it would make me want to sleep naked, though. I'm sure he knows I'm teasing him. He sighs heavily and then takes off his tunic and footwraps, keeping the shirt and pants on. When he joins me on the bedroll I pull myself close to him and wrap my arm over his chest. I can feel his heart beating fast.

“The way you tease me I assume your back does not hurt anymore.”

“A little. Not enough to stop me, though. I miss you closer to me.”

“They are not as far from us as last time.”

“The ward would still work, wouldn't it?”

“Yes.” He seems too reluctant, I wonder if he regrets doing it that day.

“Well, guess you didn't miss me as much as I thought then.  _ Good night, Solas _ .” I lay my head close to his shoulder and close my eyes. Not even ten seconds later he moves his arm under me so he can wrap it around my back and caress my hair.

“I do miss you. I only do not wish to make your wound any worse.”

“If we did it like last time I don't think it would make it worse. But it's fine, we can just sleep. Having you here is already awesome as it is.”

“Does it not make you uncomfortable to have people outside?”

“Of course it does. But if they can't know what we do with your spell it doesn't make any difference in the end. They thought we were doing something before we even started doing anything.”

“That is true.” He looks directly at me then. “Do you really feel well enough?” I smile and he raises an eyebrow.

“Yes. Now take off your clothes.” He chuckles and casts the spell. I make room so he can take off his clothes and he pulls me close to kiss me again.

You already know how this goes, so I'm skipping it. Sorry, not sorry. Suffice it to say it's another great moment between him and me, and we fall asleep entangled in each other's arms.

 

My time in the Fade tonight is spent going through the books Knowledge left for me. And there is a lot of them. I'm most intrigued by the history ones; things that will definitely make my life much easier. There are books about the Blights, and the one that catches my attention the most is the one with the Hero of Ferelden. Now I can finally know more about what happened to them;  _ her _ actually, Leliana referred to the Hero as a she. There are also books about Orlais and I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate those... I  **hate** politics, specially Orlais' politics. There are two books in elvhen and I can't read anything in them, I guess I'll need to have more lessons before I can go through them. And there is also a book about Spirit Healing.

I get the book about the Hero of Ferelden and sit on the couch, enjoying the sea air while I find out what happened to her, and more importantly: who she was. The first thing I notice when I open the book is that it's not a simple book. It has words, alright, but it also comes accompanied of memories as I read it. It definitely wasn't written by a person, this is someone's memory, a spirit's most likely. Thankfully, whoever wrote this was with the Hero, so I get a direct view of the events closest to her.

The Hero of Ferelden was an elven mage, but not in the Circle. She was Lyna Mahariel, with Merrill's clan, and recruited when she got in contact with the Blighted Eluvian. When she got to Ostagar she met the other recruits, and what surprises me is that they weren't just Jory and Daveth, there were also Elissa Cousland, warrior; Darrian Tabris, rogue; Solona Amell, mage from the Circle of course; Faren Brosca, rogue and Sereda Aeducan, warrior. When they met Morrigan and Flemeth only Lyna, Solona and Sereda were nice to them, the others were either mean or afraid.

Jory dies by Duncan's hand as it happens in the game, and Daveth doesn't survive the taint. To my surprise Elissa Cousland and Faren Brosca also don't. That still leaves them with a big party of Grey Wardens to defend the Tower, even if in the end it doesn't prove to be enough of them. Sereda Aeducan sacrifices herself to protect the others so they can flee the darkspawn, and it would have been in vain were it not for Flemeth's rescue. The three Grey Wardens wake up in the witches' hut and then proceed to Lothering, accompanied by Morrigan, to start their work of stopping the Blight.

Lyna and Morrigan become fast friends, and Solona seems clearly interested in Alistair. I laugh when I find out Lyna names the mabari Fen'Harel. She says it's so it will ward them of evil just as his statues protect the clan. In the village they recruit Sten and Leliana, and the bard seems interested in Lyna in more than friendly ways, but the elf doesn't reciprocate.

They decide to head for Redcliffe first, which is the closest and maybe Alistair's past could help them. But then they find the village deep in chaos and have to stay to help before they can receive any help, only to find out they would need to go to the Fade to rescue the child. Solona is surprised to find Jowan in the Castle, but Lyna is too happy to accept his help with Blood magic in order to help Connor. The other Wardens think it's best to ask for help in the Circle, specially because Solona has connections there, but Lyna is afraid of not having enough time to save the child if they leave to get the Circle's help. In the end they sacrifice Isolde.

I'm really eager to read more, but I feel it's time to wake up. Reluctantly I put the book back in the shelf and wake up to find myself still in Solas' arms. He is still asleep though, and I take the chance to observe him. He's so cute and peaceful, and I could feel his soft breathing close to me forever, wait, no, not forever, I'd rather have him awake, but it's awesome really.

I realize after some time that he is a bit aroused, and it makes me think naughty things. We shouldn't do anything now, though. We must leave to find Harding soon. I try to get my mind to other things but it's really difficult. When he opens his eyes I have to control myself not to jump straight on his lips, but it's a wasted effort, because he kisses me. The kiss becomes heated in no time, and it's not surprising. “We shouldn't.” He hastily says as I end up touching him.

“ _ Please, Solas. _ ” This will become torture if I have to leave like this. The expression on his face is too confusing for me, he seems conflicted that is sure. He kisses me again and I feel the surge of energy in the air almost immediately.

After another love session we clean up and get ready to leave the tent. Curiously the only comment we get from Varric is “How can you two sleep so much?” I shrug and get my breakfast, noticing Cassandra's team is not present. Bull tells me they have left at first light and we should follow when we're ready. Solas prepares the tea for me and after we pack up we leave after them.


	78. Chapter 78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuing the healing training.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I'm ALIIIIIVE! (include Vorcha's scream here - I love Vorchas.. and when they scream that when revived is awesome every time lol)  
> OMG these were the worst 10 days in years..  
> I was cut out from the internet because my father is irresponsible with money(with a lot of things actually..), hopefully it won't happen again in April but I can't be sure.. wish me luck!  
> Because of the heat (and since I had no way to post anything I worked on anyway) I was writing the chapters in my notebook and now I have to type them, and because I'm slow on paper I'm a bit behind schedule..  
> I'm giving you this chapter on an odd day(at 1am at that) because hell.. I'm glad to be back, I missed your comments everyone! 10 lonely days T_T  
> I might not be able to update on the usual days because I'll be typing the chapters, which is going to hold me from writing new ones so I'll be missing even more chapters, but don't worry, I'm taking notes so when I'm done I'll make up for it and toss all the due ones at the same time!)  
> This time away from the internet also allowed me to re-read(again) the story from the beginning and hell.. I found so many wrong things there.. there are typos, quotation marks in wrong places and even wrong sentences because I wasn't still used to writing in first person in present(I used to always write in third person in past) and failed to fix it all the times I've edited so I'll also have to take some time to make that right.. I can't let it continue wrong now that I know it's there. I thought I've fixed everything but I was wrong..  
> Thanks for the support and I hope you continue to like the story. Grace still has a lot to grow and I hope you stick around to see it <3

The first one to accompany me on the ground is Varric and even though the rain let up, the ground is more mud than anything else and he isn't happy about it. Well, neither am I. The spell protects us against getting wet, but the uncomfortable feeling of sloshing mud can't be helped. Eventually he changes the complaints to other topics and I'm not surprised he starts with Solas. I mean, as much as I think he cares he probably still wants stuff for his book.

“So, Crystal, how's couple life with Chuckles?”

“Awesome.” I say before I can think about possible repercussions. I see he's smirking.

“That good, eh? Who would've thought under that academic attitude lived a loving man?”

“Who indeed?”

“You know, Crystal, I haven't had the opportunity to tell you 'I told you so' before, so: I told you you two would end up together.”

“Actually, Varric, you were trying to get me together with anyone so you could write your book.” I say with a smile.

“Alright, that's true.  **But** I was cheering for the two of you.” He says it with an expression that makes me believe he is saying the truth. “You made it pretty clear to me that you wouldn't love anyone but him, and even though I think that's a pile of nugshit because nobody loves only one person for life, I wanted you to be happy, and I noticed the way he acted around you. I just hoped he wouldn't be stupid to let it pass.” I wonder how he acted around me. I guess I could ask Varric but I'm not sure I could really believe him... he would probably exaggerate.

“Are you saying you won't love Bianca forever, Varric?”

“Fine, you got me.  **Most** people don't love only one person forever.”

“So Bianca  **is** really a person. I'd like to meet the person who holds the heart of Varric Tethras.” He sighs.

“Maybe one day. That's... complicated.”

“What isn't complicated in our lives, Varric?” I chuckle.

“Your love for Chuckles for one.” He gives me a sly smile.

“That is the one thing then.” We walk in silence for a while and then he says:

“Buttercup is so bothered by your relationship with him that if she didn't like girls I'd think she's after him. Oh, wait, maybe she's after you.” Or maybe she just doesn't like Solas. Well, Varric is probably trying an antagonist in his book now...

“Whatever her reasons she's wasting her energy, we're not breaking up.”

“That's a lot of confidence, Crystal.”

“It is, isn't it? Well, that's how I see it. Maybe you should ask his side too.”

“Oh I will. But I want to say that I'm really happy for you, Crystal. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you. I'm very happy.” More than I ever expected to be. We stay in silence for some more time and then he breaks it once again:

“I hate to be the one to sour mood, as you know, but all the red lyrium we're finding is making me really worried, Crystal.”

“Yeah, me too. I wish there was a safe way to deal with it. How can we safely destroy it?”

“Breaking it to tiny pieces and setting it on fire? I don't really know. Even a shard of that thing can be dangerous. I only know that the more concentrated it gets the worse it is.”

“We need to find a safe way to destroy it. I imagine burning it would cause toxic fumes.”

“Yeah, you're right. That sounds likely.”

“Remind me to send a message to Leliana when we reach the camp. To get them to research it.” I should have done this before but I completely forgot. Stupid memory. I hope Dagna arrives soon.

“Will do. Oh, and I thought you'd like to know, the next chapter of Swords and Shields is almost complete.”

“Oh? That's great!” You'll need it soon, Varric.

“Are you sure you're not a fan? You get too excited with it.”

“Told you I haven't had the opportunity to read it yet. But I know someone who would love it when you're done.”

“Well, guess I'm going to find out who that is soon.” He stays silent for a while and continues. “So... what's the deal with the harts?”

“Deal?”

“Yeah, that one is so close to you one would think you're its mother.”

“Well, I actually wonder about it too, you know. He really likes me, I like him too so it's nice. I don't feel bad around them as it happens with the horses.”

“I bet Daisy would envy you for having one of those.” Merrill... I wonder if she would ever work with Solas.

“Tell me about her, Varric. What's she like?”

And he tells me about her until I'm too tired to continue on foot. I can't actually blame Hawke for disliking her, I did it for a couple of playthroughs too. At least Hawke didn't hate her enough to have her break the eluvian. That would've been such a waste, especially after all that happened to get it restored. We get back on the horses and my back thankfully doesn't hurt as much as before. I try to get the mark to soothe the pain I'm still feeling and it helps a little.

 

As we try to find a place to stop for lunch, Solas tells me about the presence of an artifact nearby. We find it in a cave full of deep mushrooms, and I mark it on my map. There is also obsidian veins in most of the cavern's walls. Weird enough is that the cave doesn't seem to be home to anything, and we decide to take advantage of the protection it provides.

When we're about to leave the cave, the rain resumes and Solas has to ward us again. I'm really tired of the rain, and it sours my mood once more. This time the one to walk with me is Bull, but he doesn't talk much, maybe noticing my bad mood. I decide to ask him about the Chargers, since I couldn't meet them before we left Skyhold and he happily tells me about each of them and how much they would like to take more jobs for the Inquisition. I'm curious about Dalish and her staff/bow.

And just as I was thinking about how today is so uneventful a group of mercenaries is spotted by Varric. Don't ever challenge fate. We split so we can spring our own trap for a change, and after a really bloody battle we manage to get one for questioning, not that the man says anything. The bad thing about loyal people is how they prefer to die than to reveal their reasons. So the man kills himself with a poisoned needle we found too late. And the bad thing about fragile people is that they get hurt too easily, and I got many bruises now. The battle wasn't hard, they died easily, but a warrior with a shield bashed me, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be purple in many places soon.

We all get back on the horses after checking the mercenaries and safely disposing of the bodies. We don't find anything useful aside from money. Bull says the camp where Harding is shouldn't be far and that we could reach it by nightfall, so we proceed instead of searching for a place to set up camp. I don't know if it's effect from the bashing, but I start to feel some cramps and I fear the worse. Period now is the last thing I need.

 

Because we have to move slower than normal or I risk opening the wound, it's already past nightfall when we get to camp. Cassandra's party is already there and we exchange reports. They say they didn't find any signs of mercenaries when they passed, so that it's surprising to hear us say of it. Varric reminds me to send off a message to Leliana, which I had already forgotten about, and I do so. Harding had already briefed Cassandra, but she tells me about what is happening anyway. As per my request, they haven't interacted with the Grey Wardens they saw around, but they seem to be looking for someone.

She also warns us of a dragon, but that she seems to be keeping to herself. As far as the scouts could venture they also spotted red templars and red lyrium, which explains the mercenaries, who are probably smuggling it. The most pressing issue, though, is the rift in the lake. She tells me that ever since it appeared everything turned to chaos, from the weather to undead showing up and attacking everything. We decide to head for the village in the morning and talk to the mayor to see what we can do about the rift.

Cassandra asks me to sing something, and since Bull wanted to be updated on the ones I've sung, I sing “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” and “Someone in the Dark.” Blackwall is surprised, and I think it's actually the first time he has listened to me. Cole reacts like an amazed child, and I think in this world he is one. I guess he really is going to get along with the bard.

There is no good place to bathe at the little stream and even if there was I couldn't, because it's still raining. I retire early to the tent and ask Solas to cast his spell on me before he checks on my injury. He casts it, but he teases me terribly while doing so, and now I'm sure that he was teasing me that time when he cast this spell before we were together. Maybe he was testing me for sensibility. He lingers around the areas he knows I'm sensitive, and almost gets me halfway to an orgasm. In his collected face he doesn't show signs that he's doing it on purpose, but having to control myself not to make loud noises is almost torture.

“Was it retribution for my teasing you last night?” I ask after he's finished and he looks at me with the face of innocence.

“What do you mean?” He says while removing the bandages.

“You know exactly what I'm talking about.”

“Do I? It do not think I do.” I sigh, but then I have an idea.

I try to do a similar teasing on him. That side effect of my brief training in healing magic. I reach to him with my magic and connect to him, so he would feel just how aroused he left me. The moment we connect he lets out a gasp, not satisfied I control the tendrils of magic to touch around his body and tease his sensitive spots. He seems to pretend nothing is affecting him but soon his hands tremble as he applies the poultice and then he sighs into my neck and I shiver. “I cannot treat your injury like this.”

“Then admit it.”

“Very well. It was retribution.” I stop the magic and I feel him relax behind me. “You are becoming skilled at it.”

“Motivation.” He chuckles.

“I see. I must remember that when teaching you. And also that you enjoy challenges.”

After he finishes with the bandages I reach for my shirt, but he stops me. After everything I didn't expect him to act like this and I show my surprise on my face. I really thought it wouldn't go past teasing tonight.

“Let me rectify the state I left you in.” He caresses the arm he is holding.

“Oh I'm looking forward to it.” He kisses me intensely and lowers us on the bedroll. I slide my pants and underwear off when I sit down and he kneels in front of me to remove his tunic and shirt. When I'm going to touch him he asks me to wait, and then I feel energy on him. Soon I realize he is using the cleaning spell on himself, and it's much quicker than when he uses it on me. After he is done he casts the sound ward.

I wonder if we're ever going to get tired of doing these things, because at this moment I really don't think it's possible. Thanks to our latest sessions he is now able to use two fingers to work on me, but I don't think I'm ready to accept him inside just yet. He doesn't seem to be in any rush either. It's curious, though. I told Cassandra that I wouldn't do this in camp, and after she encouraged me to do it look at what became of me. Any moment alone, together in the tent, that we get and we're going down on each other. He is probably starved after so many years asleep but what is my excuse? But god, I love it.

 

We fall asleep entangled in each other again and this time he follows me to my beach. “If we did something like what we just did here in the Fade would it really attract demons?” I ask him as soon as I finish greeting the wisps and he looks surprised at me and then laughs. A full and free laugh. Such a beautiful sound. I find myself more in love with him.

“Yes, Enasa. We would.” He eventually says and pulls me close to hug me. “They may not do anything, but it would attract them and they would watch and feed on the energy.”

“Good for people who like an audience.” I chuckle. “But since I'm not of of those, isn't there any way to ward them off?”

“Your beach is warded against demons, but should you engage in such activities you would lose focus. To be able to keep the ward while completely enjoying the experience is next to impossible.”

“Oh, I see. Well... that sucks.” He looks at me with an amused face.

“Were you planning on doing something?” I think I blush, finally realizing what I was talking about.

“Well, we never know when we might be unable to be together in the waking...” He runs his finger through my hair.

“You sound insatiable when you speak this way.” His voice and expression are so loving that I feel like I'm going to melt.

“Can't get enough of you...” He kisses me softly.

“Unfortunately we will have to wait.” He smiles and caresses my cheek. “The anticipation can make it more enjoyable as well. We should focus on your healing training.”

“Yeah... of course. Sorry.”

“Do not apologize. I share your concern,  _ my heart _ .” He holds my hands. “Has Knowledge given you any healing books?”

“Spirit Healing. I suppose that's too advanced for me.”

“It is. We will have to move to another library. Come.” I nod and he takes me to that library he once took me to.

“Say, Solas, now that I can ask freely, was this library from the time of Elvhenan?”

“Yes. However I came by it when it was already destroyed by one of many wars.”

“So you traveled to ruins even before the Veil?”

“Yes. I may be immortal but I have not seen everything in the world.” He chuckles. “And I would like to.”

“Wish I could learn with you.” He looks pained then, but smiles and caresses my hands he is still holding.

“You will for as long as you are here.” I give him a smile; hearing him say he plans on having me with him, even if we cannot be together forever for obvious reasons, already makes me happy.

“That's great to hear. Now... uh...” I look at the shelves, “how can I learn from elvhen books if I don't know elvhen?”

“You forget elvhen books contain more than words,  _ my heart _ .”

“Oh, the visions. But still, I need to make sense of what I'm reading, or seeing.” He chuckles.

“I will help you with it.”

He lets go of my hand and walks to a shelf, after looking at it for some seconds he picks up a book and sits on the rug, motioning for me to sit beside him. I do so and he holds the book with one hand, with the other he holds mine and brings it to the book so I hold it together with him. When he opens the book I get the vision, but I also feel Solas in the vision with me. He starts reading it and explaining what I'm seeing. It's a completely different anatomy lesson. It almost feels like I'm in the room with the elvhen examining the body, and they don't need tools to know what they are looking for or looking at. They sense with their magic and it reacts to the cells in the patient.

I don't know how I'm supposed to remember all of this without notes, but Solas says we can come back here until I grasp what I need for him to continue the lessons in the waking. We stay there until it's time to wake up.


	79. Chapter 79

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crestwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Happy Easter if you celebrate it!  
> I just finished typing this chapter, so here you go. I hope you like it! :)

We don't have time to linger in bed this morning, so we get ready and leave the tent. Everybody is already up and about when we come outside and Sera teases about it, saying we're behaving like newlyweds. I ask her if newlyweds study healing when they go to sleep and she insists I'm not fooling her. I wonder if by now she actually knows what Solas and I have been doing or if it's just plain teasing as before. Of course I'm not going to ask, I'd rather just leave it as it is. We have things that are much more important to worry about, after all.

Breakfast is nice, and after we finish eating we part to go to the village. To our annoyance it's raining nonstop and walking on mud is awful. Even if I can't get my feet dirty, feeling the mud is sickening and I want to cry in disgust. Not helpful are the cramps that keep coming and going, and only increase my worry of walking around in this kind of place and weather while bleeding.

When we spot the village in the distance we also spot some stumbling undead roaming around. They are weak so it's easy to fight them, but they are very, very disgusting. I avoid looking straight at them because I don't want to find out what kind of reaction I would get if I do. A rotting, bloating, moving corpse? No thank you. I don't need that in my mind.

The amount of undead increases the closer we get to the village, and if we didn't have three mages in our group with area of effect spells I'm sure we would have trouble fighting them. We burn the bodies so we don't risk them coming up again or spreading diseases and approach the tired guards at the gate.

The men are relieved with our presence and thankful for our help. They tell us they have been fighting wave after wave for almost a week now, and that they have lost a few people to it. Because of the situation, the village is pretty much stranded and they are running low on supplies. The constant rain has ruined a few crop fields and the undead makes it impossible to harvest the ones that remain or to fish. And considering the undead are coming from the lake people don't even know if they  _ should _ keep fishing even if there was no undead to threaten them.

Not surprisingly, the people inside are edgy and scared. We check with them for things the Inquisition could help them with and then head for the mayor's place. The man is old, as expected, and he is very straightforward with information. I start to wonder if he hasn't actually killed people during the Blight. What he has done in the game, as awful as it was, is understandable. He should have found a better way, but I can't pretend to know how it would be to have the fate of a whole village in my hands during a Blight. Still, if he killed them he should be judged for it.

 

We head to the fort so we can have an idea of what we're dealing with, and about one hour later, on horse and under rain, but at least without undead in the way, we find a scout's camp. They inform us of red templars sightings to the east, along with mercenaries, a lone high dragon to the south and that the fort has around two dozen bandits, seemingly stuck because of the undead horde. They also tell us of a back entrance that we could exploit if we have bait in the front gate. That plan sounds awesome to me, I just wish the team going in the back doesn't have to fight giant spiders.

Strategies and signs are discussed and we split our group. The accompanying scouts and soldiers will go in the back with Sera, Cole, Blackwall and Dorian. The others come with me in the front. We are going to attempt talking to them at first, but already expecting it to fail, considering they have seen the Inquisition's presence before and continued being hostile. I have little sympathy for bandits, or for whoever destroys other people's lives for selfish reasons, but if they want me to  _ try _ being diplomatic, I'll try. It's funny, you see, when I'm playing I'm usually so nice, I choose the nicest options to make peace with everyone, but here it's so much more difficult to be diplomatic. I start to think I'm having an identity crisis of sort.

Some people say that if you go into a situation expecting the worst it will come out that way. My mother used to say that we should always expect the worst so we are prepared, and if it's a doctor appointment we should  _ always _ go there prepared to spend hours in the waiting room because odds are we won't be, but if we go expecting it to be quick we'll most likely wait at least two hours longer than we should. This is no doctor appointment, and expecting the worst didn't make it turn out peaceful, or quick. Suffice it to say they didn't want to talk.

We tried it, they mocked us and the work the Inquisition is doing, they mocked the people they have attacked to get the fort, and I was fed up with it. You know how much I hate inflicting pain, but I hate this kind of people more, and if I'm mad I become a little blind with hate, and it seems Love's lessons still haven't been able to help me with this part of myself. I cast the Fire Pillar, and for whatever reason it was much larger than before. The screams brought me back to myself and I partially regretted what I did. Now it's too late, though, fire is already eating at their clothes and flesh. It's unfortunate they didn't die when the spell hit, because now they would suffer until someone brought an end to their lives.

Arrows fly from many archers on the walls, the warriors that were close are too busy trying to put out the fire on themselves, but they also have mages, and for the first time in what feels like ages ago I remember how it feels to defend myself from spells: scary as hell.

We aren't in a good position to fight, they can defend themselves much more easily than we can. If only we could take off their mages... I don't know any immobilizing spells other than Chill Strike, and it doesn't last long. It would have to be a very precise combined strike for this to work. I tell Varric and Solas and they agree with it.

I can cast twice in quick succession, so that should give Varric enough time to shatter one of the two mages while Solas freezes the remaining one. Should it work, Varric can still finish off the one Solas froze while my second target is still numb, although no longer frozen. Bull and Cassandra can't go in without becoming targets and the bandits aren't stupid to come outside, so to get this moving we need my plan to work and the back group to kill them from inside. So far there is no sign or sight from the back group.

The moment I give the ready we have three frozen mages the next second, followed by a shattered one. As soon as Varric reloads, the second mage I had frozen is only chilled, and numb enough to do nothing, but the one Solas had frozen is still immobile and is shattered the next second. The problem is that in order to do this we also had to come in sight of the archers, so our Barriers were severely hit. We need time to take out the surviving mage.

“They are retreating!” Bull says. “Our guys must have breached the fort.”

“Is it safe for us to follow them inside?” I ask.

“Safe? No, but staying here doesn't help.” He answers.

And so we head into the fort, with Bull going ahead for protection. The bandits left people to fend us off, but being in a much less defensible position makes passing over them an easy job. I think I'm sounding a little ruthless lately, and I don't really like this. Is this life making me colder or was I always like this and I didn't know?

The bandits ended up getting stuck between our both groups and it was fast from that point on. A really gory sequence of events that I prefer not to describe. I leave the fort to get some air while the others take care of the aftermath. Kindness said I'm good, that I feel this way because people like those bandits do evil, not because I take pleasure in their deaths or suffering, but when I'm driven by hate to see them gone there isn't much good I can see in myself.

“You aren't evil.” Cole says, surprising me with his sudden appearance. “Don't worry.”

“I guess you would know, huh?” After all, he is Compassion and kills others.

“Sometimes to protect some we have to kill others.”

“But at what point we stop being the ones who protect and become the ones who need to be killed?”

“When we stop caring about others, when we do not do it so others can be safe.” I take a deep breath. In game there is a similar conversation, but the roles are inverted.

“You see things that have not happened yet. How?”

“Shh. Don't say that out loud.” I look around and there doesn't seem to be anyone else near us. “It's because of the place I'm from.”

“You don’t know what is real and what is not.” I nod. “Then how can you be so mad at Blackwall?” I sigh.

“Because I don't agree with the things he did.”

“But you don't know. And he is trying to be better.”

“But then he just should be honest with us. When things come to an end it will be too late for him. I'm not taking him out of prison.”

“He has helped many people after what he did.”

“Good for him. Maybe God will be nice to him because of it.”

“If I did something bad you would punish me for it?”

“It would depend on the reason. And considering who you are, you wouldn't do anything others would consider bad without good reason.”

“But if I became a threat to good people you would kill me?”

“Only if you promise me you would do it for me too.” He tilts his head.

“But you cannot die.”

“It would still stop me.”

“Then yes.”

“It's a deal then.” This is a dangerous deal, but it should keep my head in the right place for longer. Cole nods and disappears.

The spell that protects me from rain starts fading and I head inside the fort, but away from where the bodies are. Soon I'm joined by Cassandra.

“Are you well?”

“As well as I can be, I guess.”

“Our battles so far haven't been this messy neither in such close quarters.”

“Add to that my foul mood and you have an idea of how I feel.”

“That bad, is it?” She looks around then continues. “Dorian has finished the book, perhaps that will make you feel better.”

“Oh, nice. Yeah, that should help.”

“You don't sound very happy about it.” I sigh.

“Cassandra, right now I don't think I can be really happy about anything. I want to read it, don't get me wrong, but it's raining, there's mud everywhere I look at, inside the building there are blood and body parts in more places than I can imagine, I have this damn cramps coming and going and the idea of bleeding while walking around under rain is getting on my nerves.”

“Oh. I'm sorry. I haven't realized...”

“Don't worry. How can you stand it? Traveling and period?”

“Period? Oh, moon-blood period. I don't have an option, do I? And after so long I became used to it. Not to mention my situation is nothing compared to yours.”

“Getting used to it is something I don't think will ever happen. I complain since it first happened and I think I'll complain until I'm old.”

“I don't blame you. As much as it is a blessing it is inconvenient.”

“Blessing... I can't see it as a blessing.”

“It shows that your body is ready to create another life, how isn't that a blessing?” She takes a moment and then continues. “And now that you are together with Solas you two will probably think about children. Maker help you avoid becoming pregnant in this chaos, but should it happen it would still be a blessing- What?” I'm looking at her with wide eyes and open mouth.

“Me? Pregnant? With Solas' child?”

“Don't you want to? I mean, not now of course. But you two are in love after all. And we know what happens with a couple when they are in love, sleeping together every night.”

“With couples that don't take precautions you mean.” Now she's the one with wide eyes and open mouth. “What?”

“So you admit to be doing it.”

“Eh, what? No, I, well, what I mean is that you shouldn't say that as if it would happen to everyone. Couples who take precautions don't have that risk.”

“So you two have not...?” I sigh and look around, making sure it's safe.

“We have been doing... things. It is, and yet it isn't. It's considered it, but not fully. I couldn't get pregnant by doing it the way we're doing it.”

“That's... confusing. Can you... elaborate? Don't worry, they're busy.”

“You are a naughty girl, Cassandra.” I chuckle. “No wonder you like those books.”

“If you're uncomfortable talking about it I understand.”

“No, it's just... saying the words is difficult. Writing is much easier for me, but I can't really write this now.” I take a deep breath, she looks at me with expectant eyes, oh god. “We... touch and we... use our mouths.” She is really surprised now.

“And how good is it? I have read about it but have never done it.” I laugh, surprised at her reaction.

“It's awesome, Cassandra. I could do it for hours if it was possible.”

“And isn't it... awkward having your mouth there?”

“Awkward is having his on me.” She does an “oh” and I chuckle. “But I honestly love doing it to him, you know. And there is always a prize at the end.” I laugh.

“Prize? Oh...” She's red and I bet I am too. “I don't know how I feel about that.”

“If the person you're with is healthy and clean there is no problem, really. And that is something you should always have in mind anyway.”

“But, doesn't it, you know, taste odd?” Can't believe I'm talking about this kind of thing.

“I guess it depends on your preferences. To me it's good.”

“I suppose I would need a partner willing to try it to discover what I feel about it.” I laugh.

“Yeah. I guess so. I've heard some men don't like it.”

“Some women as well, it surprises me you do. You are so... timid.”

“Yeah... I surprise myself sometimes too. But hey, anyone in sight catches your interest?”

“Oh? I don't believe so.”

“Is the Inquisition lacking good bachelors?” I smirk and she laughs this time.

“I suppose.”

“Guess we need to recruit more men, then.”

“Oh I must agree.” Dorian says coming from the nearby door. “We do need more interesting men. There are too many dirty barbarians soiling our view.”

“Oh... Dorian...” I say, nervous that he could have heard out talk.

“Chill, I haven't heard your conversation, but I am curious as to what got you lovely ladies laughing freely after this massacre.”

“Well, girls talk?” I offer and he shakes his head.

“I thought we had a better relationship than this. I'm honestly disappointed.”

“Ah come on, Dorian. Don't be like this.” I say and motion for him to come closer. He looks at me sideways but then smiles and approaches. “How comfortable are you to talk about... intimate matters?” His eyes go wide then his expression turns to something I can only describe as mischievous.

“My, my. The Herald of Andraste isn't such a holy maiden after all.” I squint and he waves his hand as if dismissing me. “Don't worry my dear, what's best than hot topics? Me and the lovely Seeker have talked a few about these adorable matters.” I raise one eyebrow, then remember they were sharing that book after all.

“Well... it's just... we were talking about...” I look at Cassandra for support and she comes to the rescue.

“Doing it with the mouth.”

“Oooh naughty girls.” He looks around and continues. “And they say Tevinters are the bad ones.”

“What's bad about it?” Well, I guess it could be frowned upon.

“My dear, if you have to ask you are already lost.” He smiles. “I tease. But does this mean your relationship with Solas isn't so chaste after all?”

“This way everyone will end up knowing.” I say, regretting indulging him in the conversation.

“Oh what do you take me for? A gossip crone? And people already suspect as much, you know.”

“Suspicion isn't knowing.” I sigh. “But fine, I trust you to keep this between us.”

“Oh, who would've imagine him capable of it.”

“It surprised me as well.” Cassandra says.

“Well, I guess it didn't surprise me. But that is all I'm saying. I'm not talking about him.”

“Of course.” Cassandra says and Dorian nods. “So... Dorian, what do you have to tell us on this topic?”

And he tells us about his experiences, admitting to like men since we've been good friends and trusted him. We accept him for who he is so that only gets him happier about it. I think it should be awesome to be free to be who he is. Not that he ever hid it, but he never said it openly either and people aren't always nice about this kind of revelation. I know his parents weren't. I wonder when his father will try to contact him. Nevertheless, our conversation continues for several minutes, and he tells us about things he has heard from friends as well. Cassandra and I are impressed and curious and I'm sure she, or maybe they, would love to share my book from Lust. Too bad she probably wouldn't agree to be taken there, even if I knew how to do it. Dorian probably would like to visit but I need to learn how to find people in the Fade first.

Our conversation ends when Varric comes to tell us everything has been dealt with and that they have also found the way to the dam's controls.


	80. Chapter 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Entering the mines to the Rift in the lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech.
> 
> Just finished typing this one, which should have been posted Wednesday last week if things haven't happened as they did. Anyway, I hope you like it <3  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments!  
> Now to type the next.

Dorian recasts the water protection spell and I follow Varric to the dam's controls, accompanied by Solas and Cassandra. I tell the others to wait at the fort because there shouldn't be anything ahead. It's just a tiny building after all and if there is anything that wasn't in the game in there, at least there isn't room for something that would be a threat to a small group. I guess. I hope.

The rain is worse, but other than that everything goes smoothly. There is no couple inside and I wonder how little a brain someone would need to have to venture to an abandoned building in bandit territory in the middle of an undead invasion under rain just to get physical with their lovers.

Cassandra moves the controls’ levers and I think I've never heard such a loud noise before in my life. The sound of the water flowing through the dam is scary and I can't wait to get away from here as soon as possible. Oh, and the controls were in perfect condition, with just some dust and cobwebs, so I guess the mayor is guilty after all.

On our way back I ask Sera to keep a discreet eye on the mayor, because half the information he gave us doesn't add up, so while we check the rift she can check around the village and maybe expand her network while at it.

 

We leave the mounts safely at the village and head down to the lake, fighting more undead on the way there, and the slippery terrain is terrible to walk on. To make it even better we have to fight the occasional horde of demons coming from somewhere. They seem to be roaming far from the rift and I have no idea if demons have trouble moving through water. I have no idea if something can be salvaged after being submerged for around a decade but we take a look around every place we come by. Solas even tells me of an artifact and we go activate it. The usual sadness I feel when activating these is not present this time, considering that now that the Veil is thicker the amount of demons coming at us should decrease.

It's not surprising when we can't find anything useful anywhere, so we head towards the entrance to the mines, where it seems the rift is located. There is no spirit of Command trying uselessly to get rocks to obey her, but we find another artifact almost at the entrance of the mine and I activate it. I wonder if I'm the only one who can activate it because of the mark, since Solas always tells me to activate them. I should try to remember to ask him later.

Another thing that is not surprising is to find the mine still flooded and undead crawling from everywhere. I freeze in place when I see it. “There is no fucking way in hell I'm going in there.” The place is almost everything I fear in a place: dark water with no way of seeing the bottom with things wanting to kill me in there. The only thing missing is the plants covering the water's surface. Not to mention there’s no fresh air.

“I don't blame you, Crystal, but we have to close that rift.”

“Hell yeah I know, but I'm not diving in that even if I knew how, and I don't know how.” Dorian throws a fireball on a pair of undead who were getting too close.

“There must be a way to drain the mines.” Bull says. “They couldn't work here without one.”

“Well, I doubt they had already flooded the place when the mines were active, maybe they didn't need a mechanism for it.” Blackwall says and Dorian throws another fireball on a single undead.

“Trust me, Blackwall, this place is under a lake, they would need a draining mechanism.” Bull insists.

“Well, go ahead to find it then, I'm not going in there like this.” They all look at me with amused faces. “What? Call me selfish or whatever, I'm not going. I'd have another hole dug up but I wouldn't go in there.”

“Fair enough.” Cassandra says. “Let us split then. We need two teams to search and one to defend you, Inquisitor.” Dorian throws another fireball on two more undead.

“Cassandra goes with Solas and Cole, Iron Bull goes with Dorian and Varric. Blackwall, you stay with me.” Odd, yeah, I know, but I thought I should spend some time with the man. And he is a good defender. They agree and venture into the mine, killing undead as they come from the water.

“I must admit I am surprised, my lady.” Blackwall says after a few minutes. “Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to avoid my presence. I was wondering if I had offended you, and if so, I apologize and ask you to enlighten me on the mistake so I can make up for it.” I can't help taking a deep breath. I don't hate the man, but I despise his actions. How can I deal with this?

“It's nothing you've done to me.” Shit, I can't say I know of his past. “Actually, let me start again. No, you haven't offended me. It's just I don't know much about you and at the moment we can't trust Grey Wardens.”

“If you don't trust me why have you recruited me? And even entrusted me to protect you?”

“The others wanted you, because you are a skilled man. I'm not blind, I see it too. You have been helping us and I can't turn away help.”

“You have turned away Madame Vivienne's help.”

“Oh, don't remind me of her existence.” He chuckles.

“Pardon me, I didn't intend for it to sound as if I'm mocking the First Enchanter, but if she's not here and I am it leads me to believe I'm not in such a low place in your standards after all.” Only because I can't leave you at Skyhold as I do with her. Well, considering he doesn't sour conversations with the party I guess he  **is** in a better position than Vivienne. I nod with a polite smile. Damn, an undead. I cast Chill Strike and Blackwall turns to look and after a second he moves and bashes the frozen corpse to pieces. Ew.

“So... you want my trust? Tell me more about yourself.” God I'm such a hypocrite. I won't tell people about my past but I ask others about theirs. Well, no, I have told much about my past, just not all. Not a complete hypocrite. Well, I haven't done anything wrong, my past only involves suffering and revealing I'm not from this planet, so it's better I keep it hidden, unlike him.

“You are direct, Inquisitor, I'll give you that.” He changes his stance so he can move his eyes more easily between me and the spot the undead are coming from. I'm already feeling lightheaded and have to move in place to keep the blood flowing.

“I guess I can be. So, how did you become a Grey Warden?”

“I found a good man who believed I could be a better person.”

“Were you a bad person then?”

“I've made mistakes. I've heard there are things in your past you don't like to talk about so I suppose you can relate.” Smooth.

“Sure can. But I have a mark on my hand that makes me invaluable in the Inquisition.” I think this would have gotten me a Greatly Disapproves if this was the game.

“Point taken. I was a fool when I was younger, I thought the world was my playground. I had a chance to be mentored by a Chevalier but I ruined it. I thought I knew better. Today I regret it. I learned a few years later that I was yet just another fool. Then I met the Warden who recruited me, he inspired me and showed me I could redeem myself and make the world better with my actions.”

“Just tell me one thing, Blackwall. Honestly.” He looks at me seriously and nods. “Whatever that is you have done that you don't want to talk about, do you  **really** regret it?”

“By Andraste, I tell you that I do.” Alright, that's one good point for you, mister.

“Good. And you have been trying to make amends, am I right?”

“Precisely, my lady. Everything I've done since is to make up for it.” Then he moves towards the stumbling undead, that I freeze before he can bash it to pieces.

“Damn undead, can't even have a proper conversation.” He laughs.

“Pardon me, but I believe we are the ones intruding on them.”

“Oh they have already expired their right to territory. And the spirits possessing those bodies have no business here as much as they seem to believe they do.” They'll have their chance when the Veil is safely down.

“Sera would've enjoyed that pun.”

“Pun? What pun? Oh... expired... yeah, I guess. Anyway, Blackwall, when I refuse to tell people about my past is because it does nothing more than hurt myself for the bad memories it brings. There is nothing left for me. Nothing for me to go back to or to come back after me. Can you say the same? Is your past not coming back to haunt you? I believe you when you say you regret your actions, but regret doesn't make it disappear. The past doesn't simply go away because we wish it to.”

“It's complicated, Inquisitor.”

“I'm not going to force you to tell me, on a personal level I have nothing to do with your life. But this is more than personal, it's the Inquisition. We are trying to make the world better for others. You are more than welcome to help, but we need to be sure your past won't harm us.” At least when we recruit former rebels we know what they did and can account for it.

“You say this but you have a qunari spy reporting on you.”

“Iron Bull is accounted for. Whatever he does Leliana knows. And believe me, she's looking at everybody's pasts. Whatever you don't want known might be revealed at some point.”

“When you asked me to defend you here the last thing I expected was an interrogation, or threats.” I chuckle.

“I'm the  **Inquisitor** , aren't I? Just doing my job. But really, I just want to be able to count on you, and to help you if you need.” If I think you deserve to be helped. I'm not convinced yet.

“Give me time to think this through.”

“Of course. The world isn't ending after all, we have time.”

“And they say you don't have sense of humor.”

“Oh but I don't. I'm terrible.” He looks at me with a weird expression and then shakes his head.

 

We spend some more time in silence before another undead comes out of the water, and just after I freeze it an arrow breaks it to pieces. Good, they are returning. Bull's group comes close and reports they haven't found the mechanism, but found another path that seems dry enough to follow. It goes deep and they couldn't go further without taking too long and they thought best to report about it.

More undead are killed before Cassandra's group returns and she tells me they did find several mechanisms that seem to be part of the draining system, but they are all broken beyond immediate repair.

“So... guess we're going through the path your team found, Iron Bull.” I say.

“Before we do, you should eat.” Solas says and they agree almost in unison.

“God, I know I'm skinny but I'm not starving, you know?”

“Still, Boss, you're fragile and your health is tricky. You should eat. I'm also hungry despite this disgusting place.”

“Disgusting is an understatement.” I sigh. “I'm not hungry guys, but I'll eat bars and dried meat if it'll make you feel better.”

“Yes.” Cassandra says. “We can't stop for lunch yet but those should suffice for now.”

I eat two nuts bars and two dried meat pieces while we have to fend off undead two more times. A lot of ‘twos’. After I'm done we head inside the mine, and I feel sick immediately. The air is stale and damp in a terrible way. I try to continue but the breathing exercises that would make it better only make me inhale more of what is making me sick. There is no helping it, I throw up. I don't even remember the last time I threw up but I definitely hope I don't ever do this again.

“So much for eating.” Dorian says.

“Sorry... how can you guys stand this?”

“I suppose we all have been to similar or worse places.” Cassandra says and they all agree.

“God... this is awful. I wish I didn't have to go there.” I sigh.

“Then I suppose we all wouldn't be here.” Varric says and they all agree.

We continue for some minutes, killing the occasional undead, and I vomit again. Now I'm starting to tremble.

“Easy, Grace.” Dorian says while taking my hair away from my face.

“You continue like this, Crystal, and we're going to think you're with Chuckle's baby, you know.”

“That's not even remotely possible, Varric.” I say with a serious but weak voice. I want to lay down in a place with fresh air.

“You do know how babies are made, right?” Varric asks and I laugh.

“Yeah, Varric. I know. And I haven't been making them.” And even if I were, we're together not even for a month, there's just not enough time to make me sick.

“Well, at least you're laughing now.” He says with a smile and shake my head.

“Yeah, thank you.” I give him a smile.

“Anytime.” He says with a hand gesture that I'm not really sure what it's supposed to mean and we continue on the way.

The further inside we go the harder it is to breathe. I end up vomiting yet again and at this point my trembling body is sweating coldly. My vision is becoming blurry and I don't know how long I'm going to last awake.

“Let me carry you.” Solas says after I stumble away from the vomit. I don't think my sore stomach can even produce something anymore.

“I can't really say no to that offer but are you sure you should?”

“The way you are, you are going to pass out eventually and I will have to carry you then. At least if I carry you now you will be comfortable when you pass out.”

“Cheery boyfriend you have, my dear.” Dorian says.

“He's just stating the truth, unfortunately.” I sigh. “Alright, Solas.”

Solas comes closer and picks me up like a bride. I wrap my arms around his neck and rest my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and trying to smell his lovely scent instead of the foul air.

“Look at them. It's so sweet I think I'm the one vomiting next.” Dorian says as would a person looking at a cute pet.

“Oh please don't. One vomiting mage is enough.” Bull says while he picks up my pack and staff. He hands the staff to Dorian and I close my eyes again.

Eventually I lose consciousness but considering I come to and the place still looks the same wet tunnel I suppose I haven't been out for long. Either that or this place is endless. I hope it doesn't connect to the Deep Roads. I pass out again and this time when I open my eyes we are in a large room splitting to three corridors. It's only me and Solas.

“They split to investigate.” He says before I can ask.

“Sorry for the trouble, Solas. I think I can stand now.” He looks at me and the faint light from the mote shows me he doesn't believe me.

“I can still carry you. Specially since you weight so little now.”

“Would you rather I be a fat ball?”

“If that would mean you would be healthy, yes.” I sigh. I suppose I've lost around twenty kilos since I came to Thedas, that is a big difference.

“I'll get better once I start those potions.” Hopefully.

“Until then you need to eat more.”

“Look where that got me. I puked three times and probably only haven't done it again because I fainted.”

“It was not the food, it was the ambient, and you know it. Stop acting stubborn.”

“ _ Sorry _ . I'm getting moody again.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired, dirty, sick, can't breathe properly and my back hurts.”

“Hopefully we will be out of this place soon.”

“Hope so. Still have a rift to fight and I'm not looking forward to it.”

We stay in silence for a while and I have to vomit again. I tell Solas quickly and he places me on the ground. He helps me with my hair and massages my back. I'm definitely cutting the hair as soon as I can. After I stand up he picks me up again. I'm weaker than before now.

It doesn't take much longer for Cassandra, Blackwall, Dorian and Cole to return from one tunnel. “Those tunnels connect to each other and lead to a collapsed area.” Cassandra says. “I'm glad you're awake. Are you feeling better?”

“Not really...” My voice is weaker too. “Can't wait to get out of here.”

“Wish granted.” Varric says, coming from the other tunnel with Bull. “We found a way leading down, it's dry enough but I don't know if those wooden stairs can be trusted after years in the water.”

“Probably not.” Bull says. “But we can manage, we got mages.”

We head down the tunnel and the air is surprisingly less bad there, not enough to make me feel better, but it's better than no improvement at all. When we arrive at the chamber with the staircase I'm surprised to see it's a circular staircase, rounding the walls, and it's  **deep** .

“So... who volunteers to try it?” Varric asks and everybody hesitates.


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Closing the rift in the lake and arresting the Mayor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Hey! Another one, just finished typing it and wanted to give it to you :)  
> Hope you like it! <3

Dorian steps closer to the edge and looks down. “Not a beautiful way to die.”

“And he says I am the cheerful one.” Solas says. “With our combined magic I believe we can fortify the stairs long enough for us to pass.”

“Are you sure?” Cassandra asks.

“We could hold a tunnel from collapsing, we should be capable of this.”

“Well, I was helping with the tunnel, and I'm not sure I can help now.” I say.

“There is no other way down.” Blackwall says.

“That doesn't mean I want to die, Hero.” Varric says while peeking down into the darkness.

“If we move quickly we can make it.” Solas insists.

“Well, let's go then. Let me down?” I ask.

“No, if you stumble down I cannot protect you and hold the stairs.”

“Let's get this over with. This humidity is ruining everything.” Dorian says.

I hate being a burden, but I'm feeling too sick to help them. When they tell us it's safe to proceed we move down. The stairs creak and it's scary as hell, but we continue, a bit faster but not running so we don't create additional stress on the planks. I can see Solas becoming tired, and when we make it to a safe place they release the hold on the stairs. Half the staircase collapses.

“I hope there's another way out of there...” I say. If there isn't, I hope Cole can teleport out of here and ask for help.

“No shit.” Varric says.

I caress Solas' cheek and ask if he's alright. He just nods. The air is better, there must be an exit somewhere close, and it's easier to breathe. I still feel awful, though, and I pass out again. When I open my eyes we are in dwarven corridors lit by runes on the walls. I really hope there's no connection to the Deep Roads here. I don't want to fight darkspawn. The doors we come across are either sealed or collapsed so we just continue through the corridor.

At some point we find the way the clean air is currently coming from and we follow it. Turns out it's a well, but there is no way to climb it. And it's too damn high. We go back to explore the other corridor and we find excavation supplies, or what's left of it. Nothing we can use because it's in no shape to be useful. When we continue further we reach a chamber and my hand flares. We have found the rift. I think it's weird that I haven't seen any enemy since we left the initial area.

“Are you ready?” Solas asks me.

“As much as I can be.” I feel awful but I've done more in worse conditions. “I can do this.”

The rift is dormant just like the one in Haven was, and I have to open it before sealing it. I hope this rift isn't as hard as it was in the game, but considering its size that seems to be wishful thinking.

Solas puts me gently on the stone floor and it's a bit weird to be on my feet after so long. The others position themselves around the rift and when they signal ready I open it, letting demons come forth. It's a very difficult rift. Two Despair demons, a Fear demon, two Terrors and three Shades. The place is a mess.

The Shades are killed easily but a Terror pushes me hard on the floor. Before it can strike though, a blade pierces its chest. The Terror turns to hit Blackwall and I manage to get to a safer place. Looking at the situation I can't imagine this ending without people hurt. When the Terror finally dies a Pride demon comes forth accompanied by another Despair and two more Greater Shades. Why so many demons in this place? And strong ones at that? What the fuck happened here? But I don't have time to think about this. I need to close this rift.

The demons are too strong, spells aren't doing much, I'm tired, I'm feeling sick and weak and the warriors are being overwhelmed. I need a quick and powerful fix. I remember in game there is a spell with the mark to send demons back through the rift. I don't know how to do it, but I need it to work. I concentrate all my thoughts on what I need the mark to do, if I fail people are going to be seriously injured. The demons need to go.

I feel a surge of power in my hand and then I point it to the rift. The energy releases and envelops every demon around the rift, pulling them through. I can see them squirming, trying to get out of it but the energy is stronger, like what happens when you pull the plug of a drain in a bathtub or sink. I feel much weaker after using this, but I need to close the rift, otherwise it would have been for naught should more demons come through. I force myself to close it and while I'm still recovering from the recoil Bull comes close to me.

“Nice job, Boss!” And he greets me with a punch on my shoulder that I know would have been nothing to one of the Chargers, but I'm me, and it hurts like hell. In midst of the pain I notice my shoulder came out of the socket completely again, like in Haven. “Oh fuck, I broke the Inquisitor. Solas-”

But Solas was already coming through, and he checks on my shoulder immediately. “You should refrain from indulging your violent instinct with her, Iron Bull.”

“I didn't mean to hurt her, Solas! It was a friendly greeting.”

“I know...” I say with difficulty, it really hurts. God, this trip is being awful. “But I'm weaker than normal people.”

“I'm really sorry, Boss.”

“It's-” I scream when Solas puts my arm back in place, “fine.” Solas then starts massaging it and his hands are divine. I wish he would massage me more often. I have to tell him. “God, that's good, Solas. You should massage me more often.”

“I will keep it in mind.” I notice a smile on his face and I love seeing it.

“Hey you two, leave that kind of talk for when you're alone.” Dorian says. “Are you well enough to move, Grace?”

“I guess? How do we get out of here, though?”

“Good question. Well... I'll go take a look.” Dorian says and Cassandra and Bull follow him. I notice Cole disappearing.

“Divine hands, Solas, really.” I say with a smirk and he shakes his head with a smile. Before I can say anything else I lose consciousness again. Guess I overdid myself.

 

When I wake up we're in Harding's camp. It's past midnight if I can read the sky properly. I'm still in Solas arms, or rather, I'm clinging to him. I realize I'm on his lap and he is sitting by the fire. I take a deep breath, smelling his neck. I really love the smell of him. “ _ Good evening. _ ” He says and I notice the rain stopped.

“ _ Good evening. _ How did we get out?”

“They found a series of tunnels leading up. We had to fight some undead but eventually we found an exit. We just arrived here.”

“I haven't seen you cling to him like that since Redcliffe.” Varric says. I shrug as best I can while still keeping my arms around his neck. I don't feel like moving. I hope he doesn't mind. His hand on my back holding me tight leads me to believe he doesn't.

“Don't know, this time I was unconscious.”

“By the way, how could you deny you loved him after that display? You weren't fooling anyone.” Dorian says.

“I never denied it.” I guess. “I just didn't scream it to the world.”

“Not in words, Crystal. But your actions said everything.”

“Urgh. Why are we talking about this? Again?”

“Because we just came out from an awful place and there is nothing better to do than to see you flush.” Dorian says with a smirk.

“Oh  **really** ?”

“Unfortunately.” Solas says. “They were trying it at me before you woke up.”

“He doesn't flush, though.” Varric says.

“We need another couple in this group urgently. To take your attention away from us. And I need a bath, in a place without undead.”

“And food.” The three of them say and I sigh.

“Seriously, I'm not starving.”

“Looks like you are to me.” Cassandra approaches with a bowl of soup and hands it to me. “Here.”

“It's just a side effect of that problem, Cassandra. I'll be fine with the potion.”

“We don't have the potion now, but we have food. Eat.”

“How's the shoulder, Boss?” I notice Bull near one of the tents.

“Better. Don't worry, Iron Bull. Just... don't do it again.”

“Wouldn't dream of it, Boss.”

It's good to breathe fresh air again, but I still feel awful. At least I can keep the food in after I'm done eating. There's no good place to bathe, which sucks. The spell is nice and all but I wanted to feel the water on my skin. Although the way I'm weak it would probably not end up well. Fainting and drowning is not a good way to die.

Solas and I go straight to sleep after getting ready for bed. We are too tired to do anything, even if my body is asking me for it. Stupid body. I don't go to the Fade tonight, though. I guess it was really a tiring day. When I wake up, Solas is still asleep, so I just enjoy being close to him until he wakes up.

He surprises me when he awakes, hugging me tight, and doesn't let me go for long minutes. I wonder what happened in his dream. “ _ Good morning, Solas. _ ” He kisses my forehead.

“ _ Good morning, my heart _ .” He runs his fingers through my hair and continues. “ _ Are you feeling better? _ I noticed your absence in the Fade.”

“Better, but I'm still... bad. I'm bruised everywhere and still feeling a little weak, but at least my back doesn't hurt so much.”

“That is good news. Have you been awake for long?”

“No idea, I was enjoying my pillow.” I say with a smirk.

“I thought you did not like sleeping with a pillow?” He raises an eyebrow.

“You are a great pillow, though.” He smiles, hugging me tighter.

“Oh no, vengeful pillow!” I laugh aloud.

“Hey you two,” Cassandra says from outside, “if you are awake let's go, we have much to do.” I sigh, but Solas steals a kiss and we stay there some more minutes before we get ready to go outside.

We are greeted by a really blue sky. I wonder if the undead threat is also gone. At least more wouldn't come from the lake without the rift there. If they kill the ones that were already risen then it's over. But there's still the matter of the Mayor, then the mercenaries and red templars. Today will also be a very long day. There should be rifts around too. I hope it's not a lot of them.

“So...” I start, “we should check on what Sera found out, then go see to the red templars, mercenaries and rifts. Is that all or have I forgotten anything?”

“We should see if we can find traces of those Wardens.” Cassandra reminds me. I had already forgotten about them. “Is there any reasons Grey Wardens should be around here, Blackwall?”

“Apart from recruiting I don't see a reason.” He says.

“They seemed to be looking for someone, not recruiting.” Harding says and I notice she's sitting beside Varric.

“Well, if they all disappeared but came out of hiding to find someone then we better find out who that is.” Bull says and I agree. I wonder who the Warden is going to be. I still haven't finished that book. Can we even find them without Hawke leading us there? How big is this area? Can we check everywhere around in one day?

Before we even finish breakfast a scout comes to me with a note. I open it and see it's a message from Leliana: “Inquisitor, our Arcanist has been doing tests since she arrived a couple of days ago and so far the best way to deal with red lyrium is to burn it and electrify the fumes so it neutralizes whatever effect it has on the air. We await reports on your progress. - Nightingale.” Hmm... I have no idea what this is supposed to do to it, but if she says it's what works, then that's what we'll do. I show the note to Cassandra and Varric and then let it burn in the fire in front of us.

After we finish eating we part for the village. Without the mounts it takes a bit longer but at least we don't have undead to fight or rain to slow us down. There's still mud, but at least it's a bit better than yesterday.

 

It's weird the reaction we get from people as we enter the village. They seem to be murmuring things and giving us curious looks. There are some Inquisition scouts around and I wonder if this is because of Sera and the Mayor. When we knock on his door, she is the one who answers, or rather, her voice is, telling us to enter.

We find her in his bed, eating, with a lot of papers on the sheets and the whole place is turned upside down. The Mayor is tied on the end of the bed, sitting on the floor. He's awake but doesn't say anything when he notices us coming inside. His expression is tired, I think I can describe it as acceptance of defeat.

“Inquisitor Grace! I have to thank ya, yeah? Quite the gift you gave me.” Sera says and I look at the others, they all have curious faces. I must say I'm a bit confused too.

“What gift, Sera? And why is the Mayor like that? You better have a really good reason.”

“Bastard tried to run away. All ya need is in these papers but to make it short he killed over half the village during the Blight. The lake? He did it, not darkspawn. And he is a terrible person to little people too. Fat arsed nobles.” She spits on him from the bed and it hits his messed up hair. “Shitface! So yeah, ya gave me a gift with this job. I got to stick it to him myself.”

“And what do you have to say in your defense, Mayor?” I ask and he sighs.

“It's true. But I did it to save the rest of the village. It was a terrible deed, I'm not proud of it, but I don't regret it. All those outside would be dead if I hadn't done it.”

“How can you be so sure?” I ask.

“You weren't here, you wouldn't understand.”

“This is no place for this.” I say as I look to Cassandra and she nods. “We'll have the scouts arrest you, and we'll see who'll judge you for your actions.” Sera hops down the bed and gives me the papers.

“So, how was it in the lake?” She asks while we walk outside. “As disgusting as I think?” I see Cassandra reaching for a scout.

“Worse. Grace wouldn't stop puking.” Dorian says and Sera looks at me with a shocked face before placing a hand on my shoulder.

“You poor thing. But at least you fixed it, yeah? That's worth it, innit?”

“Now that I feel better, yeah... yesterday the only thing I wanted to do was to get out of there.” The scout comes in and arrests the Mayor.

“Now let's go after those red templars.” Varric says.

People's looks as we head to the stables are even more intense than before, and I wonder what they'll think when they find out the truth: that their loved ones were drowned by a desperate mayor.

 

It's not long before we spot red templars moving in the distance, and we engage them as soon as we are in range, trying not to be hit by red lyrium. That thing seems to be extremely dangerous, and powerful if what I remember from Haven is anything to go by. After we kill them we try to get rid of the red lyrium blocks. It's a curious thing, normal lyrium doesn't spread, this thing is like a virus, spreading and consuming everything it comes into contact with. Fire seems to be very effective, but we avoid breathing the fumes and Solas casts lightning as the smoke forms. Curiously it forms tiny white crystals, almost like sand. I wonder what exactly happens to make that.

Until it's time for lunch we attack five red templars' encampments and find one smugglers' cave full of crates. Still no sign of Grey Wardens. When we stop for lunch we are surprised by a loud roar and I see the dragon flying high above. I can't help looking at it as if it was the most marvelous thing I have ever seen. It's so huge and beautiful. Too bat it's extremely deadly and I can't convince it not to kill me. It's nothing compared to Corypheus' dragon, this one is healthy, pretty and flies around as if the world belonged to it. Corypheus' dragon emanates sadness and anger, it's awful.

“Someone is in love with that dragon. You got competition, Solas.” Bull says.

“She's beautiful, isn't she?” Cassandra says. “Very deadly too.”

“I hope we don't have to kill her.” I finally say, after the dragon is no longer in view. “And I wouldn't trade Solas for anybody.”

“That certain, are you?” Dorian asks.

“Yes.” Solas means everything to me after all.

“Careful, he may take you for granted.” Blackwall says.

“I would do no such thing.” Solas says, firmly.

“You better not, Chuckles. You don't want to see me pissed off.”

“Or me.” Cassandra says.

“Or me!” Dorian says and I'm laughing at their behavior. They seem so protective of me.

“He wouldn't.” Cole says.

“Thank you, Cole.” Solas says. “We are happy and I would not jeopardize it.” I can't help smiling.

“Now you guys go get someone for yourselves so you stop poking us at every turn.” I say and they all go like “what, me?”

“I don't poke you, that would hurt.” Cole says and I chuckle.

“Yes, you don't, Cole. You’re nice.” I say.

“The Iron Bull hurt you, but you aren't mad at him, though.”

“Because I know it wasn't on purpose.”

“So you forgive him because he didn't mean it.”

“That's right.” He nods and then falls silent. We continue eating while discussing where we should head next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I just remembered to give credits to Anna_Donovan for giving me this awesome idea of Bull forgetting about Grace's fragility. I hope you like the way it happened, Anna :)


	82. Chapter 82

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Just finished typing it so here you go! I hope you like it! <3  
> Thank you for kudos and comments, it's awesome to see them <3

The area is very open and easy to tread, so we can cover large portions in little time on the mounts. My injury is better so we can move the horses faster. We could split like before to cover more ground but we decide against it because the red templars are too big a threat to face with a small group.

By the time the sun is coming down we have only explored half the area, so we need to continue tomorrow. We did great progress, though: two more red templar's camp, one more mercenaries' camp and two small rifts. All that receiving only a few bruises and some scratches. But still no sign of Grey Wardens. Maybe they have already moved away?

We go back to the village so we can get a nicer night in the tavern. People look at me weird for sharing the bedroom with Solas, and I realize there really aren't many elves in this town. I wonder if they don't like elves here. But giving a speech about equality would give us no favors, so I just ignore it and head to our room. The elves are little people so Sera probably has them covered. Now that I can finally have a warm bath my mood is a bit better.

So we don't get the water unnecessarily dirty, Solas casts the spell on us both before I go into the tub. He doesn't linger while casting it this time, but it's enough to get me heated. The water feels amazing, my sore muscles love it. “There is room for two if you want to join, you know.” I say after submerging to wet my hair. I missed being covered in this tangerine scent. The cream doesn't have such an intense scent as the oil. “Or maybe you don't want to smell like me?”

“That is not the problem.” He says, sitting on a chair beside the tub with nothing but a towel covering his hips.

“What is then?” Maybe he doesn't like sharing baths?

“As much as it can hold two, it still is a small space. A small, slippery place. And being so close to you... it might be complicated.”

“Just get in here and we can head to bed. I want to know how it is to share a bath with you.”

“Giving orders, Inquisitor?” He says with a smirk and I laugh when I realize the way I said it.

“If it would get you in here, since asking did nothing. I can still beg, if you prefer that.” He shakes his head.

“There is no need to beg,  _ my heart. _ ” He extends a hand to me and I place mine on it, he closes his around my hand the best their sizes will allow and caresses it with his thumb. “But believe me when I say it is not for lack of desire. I am merely taking precautions.” God, it wouldn't slip in that easily, would it? I don't think so.

“Fine. But promise me you'll share a bath with me once we've done it.”

“ _ Of course. _ I look forward to it.”

“To doing it or to sharing a bath?” He is taken aback and I laugh. He is so rarely surprised like this.

“I must admit to looking forward to both.” He says with an expression I can't really name and I smile, which seems to make him relax. Was it some sort of worry? Insecurity? It's so hard to believe this man can be insecure, especially after not having his big secret holding him back.

“So do I, Solas.” He holds my hand tighter for a couple of seconds. “Part of me wants to get into that bed with you right now.” But I'm still hurt.

“And the other part still has reservations.” I shake my head.

“The other part is worried about her injured back.” I chuckle. “I don't think I have any more reservations after doing that with you so many times already.” I sigh. “I want to know how it feels to be that close to you, you know? I don't think there's any way we can be closer than that.” He looks at me with that surprised face. “You seem to be really surprised by this.”

“It is just...” he sighs, “people never wanted me for those reasons.”

“Don't you believe I love you, then?” His eyes go wide.

“No, it is not that. Of course I do. And I can feel your love. But I cannot feel your reasons, and to hear you say it that way, it makes it all the more real.”

“Real?”

“I spent most of my life in the Fade, only awake to experience situations that would open more possibilities for me there. And I have never met someone who would make me want to stay in the Waking, who would make things feel real, who would value me for who I am and not what I represent, who really loved me. Not before you.” I'm overwhelmed by his words.

“I... am I your first love, Solas?” He chuckles.

“I believe you can say that.”

“Oh.. my.. god... I never thought this was even remotely possible.”

“It is. And for this reason I want to cherish you all the more.”

“Oh my god...” He laughs.

“I do not know what to make of your shock.”

“Well, I don't know how to accept I'm the first love,” I lower my voice, “of a thousands-of-years-old powerful man.” He caresses my hand, bringing me back to the moment.

“Does knowing it change anything?”

“Well, I guess it makes me love you more and worry about breaking your heart.”

“Why would you break my heart?” He is suddenly serious.

“I'm not perfect, and... well... I'm not living forever.” His expression changes to a sad one and it hurts to know I did it, but he can't treat me like an elf who would live forever with him.

“I know. Sometimes your presence is so strong within me that I forget, but I know. And I plan to make your time here the best I can.”

“Get me out of here so I can hug you.” He opens a big smile and my heart is filled with happiness again. I stand up waiting for him.

“ _ Of course _ , Inquisitor.” He says with a smirk and I shake my head. He gets the towel nearby and wraps it around me, lifting me from the tub like a bride again, splashing water around the tub. The moment my feet touch the ground I hug him tight, trying to send to him the entirety of my feelings so he knows how much I love him. He hugs me tight too and I can feel his love for me increasing in intensity. I guess he finally opened himself fully? We stay like that for many minutes, and when we let go of each other I see his eyes are shining with unshed tears.

“Solas?” I ask, confused, but he shakes his head with a smile and kisses me. I don't know how, but we end up in bed, still kissing, and stay there for several minutes. We don't do anything but kiss and hug and travel with our hands, but we don't let go of each other until he tells me the others still want me there for dinner.

He enters the tub after heating it again, and I tell him he has to tell me how to do that. I wear my clothes, leaving the armor with my pack and sit on the chair he was occupying before.

“Say, Solas, with that talk should I assume you don't have reservations about doing it anymore either?”

“You should.” He says with a smile. “However I will not push you for it.”

“Oh you wouldn't need to. If you haven't noticed I think  **I** might end up pushing you.” I chuckle. If only my back wasn't hurt. “But I need to ask you something.”

“You can ask me anything.”

“If the women you've been with before didn't love you, and you didn't love them either, was it always just for pleasure?”

“Pleasure, fun, power play. There was an occasional affection, although it never lasted.”

“Were there many women?”

“In comparison to others in that time, no.”

“And in this time?” He sighs and I'm not sure I should have asked this question.

“I do not believe there can be a valid comparison.”

“Not even with prostitutes?” I ask with a dry chuckle.

“If I were to say not even with them, would your opinion of me change?” His expression is unreadable to me.

“Well, I can't even imagine what's like to live a hundred years, much less several thousands, so I guess it's expected you would have met many women.”

“Does it change anything?”

“Only that now I know.” I say with a small smile. “They are in your past and it's not like you would leave me for any of them, right?”

“Correct. It surprises me you are understanding of it, even though I feel it hurts you.”

“Well, it's foolish, but I can't help feeling a bit jealous of them. You were theirs before you were mine.”

“To be fair, I was not theirs. In the very few occurrences that feelings were involved I could never give myself whole to them.”

“I see...”

“Nothing that happened before can compare to this I feel with you.”

“Then I feel even more of a fool, heh...” I sigh. “I shouldn't have asked you this.” He offers me his hand and I look at him for a second before placing mine in his. He holds it tight like before.

“You should ask me whatever you want to know. I do not wish secrets between us, and speculating about events is more harmful than the truth.”

“I... you're right.  _ I love you, Solas, _ so much it hurts.”

“ _ I know, my heart. _ I feel the same way.” He leaves the tub and I try to avert my eyes from his hips. I give him the towel but he dries himself with a spell. Showoff.

“You must teach me that too.” He chuckles.

“I will teach you many things,  _ my heart _ .” He wears his clothes and I silently observe him. “But now we should go downstairs for dinner.”

“Kiss me first?”

“Not giving orders anymore?” He smirks.

“I could say it as an order if you want but-” He pulls me close and shuts me up with a kiss. Unfortunately it doesn't last as long as the other one.

“Now, dinner, before you decide to eat me.” He says and while he pulls me out of the room I say:

“Don't say it as if you didn't like it.”

“Oh I do, but you need food.”

“Took you two long enough to bathe.” Dorian says when we show up.

“Well, you know how hot water makes one forget time.” I say, sitting down, and Solas sits beside me at the large table occupied by the whole team.

“I also know that hot baths are not the only thing capable of doing that.” He insists.

“Oh come on, we didn't take that long.” I think. “And you guys are already eating, why the complaint?”

“Just teasing for good measure.”

“He's lying.” Cassandra says. “Varric has a bet going on about you and Solas.” The dwarf sighs while Sera, Bull and Dorian complain.

“What? A bet?” I say and then get some of the soup and meat served.

“Thank you for destroying our fun, Seeker.” He looks at me then. “It's nothing bad, Crystal, just a friendly bet.”

“And of course there's no money involved.” I say with an eyebrow raised.

“How else would we bet? We need something to keep score.” Dorian says. “It's not like we have lands or slaves to add to the pile.” At the very serious looks aimed at him he continues. “I was joking. That  **is** something one would bet in Tevinter, though.”

“Something  **you** would do?” I ask.

“No, no, of course not. I'm not as bad as my lineage suggests.”

“Good. I would hate to be wrong about you, Dorian.”

“Oh, don't worry, Grace. I jest but I would never do those things. I actually aim to make my homeland a better place.”

“And I would help you.” I drink some water and continue. “Now, what is the bet?”

“We bet you would skip dinner to spend some time alone.” Varric says.

“Did you bet in Skyhold too?” He shrugs and I shake my head. “You guys really need something else to talk about.”

We continue dinner talking about the Mayor's fate, what we're doing tomorrow and then as they get drunk they start telling stories about silly things they've seen or done. In times like these they don't seem to be any different from each other, and I'm surprised to realize I would miss them all at this point. Blackwall maybe not so much, as we're not close, but even Sera. It's weird, because I hated her in the game, but her high spirits is something much needed. Well, when she's not being crass, or talking badly about magic and elves' history; I think I came to think of her as a friend too.

This line of thought makes me wonder how they would feel if they found out I plan on changing the world they know. I really don't think they would understand, and I find myself thinking I'm exactly like Solas is in the game: afraid of attaching myself to people that would hate me if they knew my plan. I can't think they would come to see how this world is the wrong one. Maybe they wouldn't even need to, perhaps the process would take so long they would be dead by then...

“Are you feeling well, Grace?” Cassandra asks and brings me back to the present.

“Yes,” I say with a small smile, “just... thinking. I'm fortunate to know you all. I'm happy to, so... thank you for putting up with me.”

They all look at me with surprised faces and I feel self-conscious. Maybe I said too much, but Love told me to be open with my feelings so I'm doing it. But it's still awkward, and it's not like we know each other for a long time, maybe they don't think of me as friends and I'm being silly.

“You're acting weird again, Crystal.” Varric says and I shrug. “Don't say things as if you're dying tomorrow.”

“But we never know, do we?” I say.

“Unfortunately not.” Cassandra says. “We should take the chance we have to let the ones dear to us know they matter, you are right.”

“This makes me uncomfortable and you know it.” Varric says and drinks from his large mug.

“Well, I like this.” Dorian says. “And I would hug you but they told me only our apostate is allowed to do it.” I chuckle.

“And that hart.” Bull says. “For what's worth it, Boss, you are a great boss. Would be better if we went after that dragon, though.”

“Sorry, not happening unless there's no avoiding it.”

“She really likes them.” Cole says. “And she hates what Corypheus did to that dragon.”

“True.” I say. “Poor thing must have suffered much.” And probably still does...

“Well, let's talk about happy things, yeah?” Sera says quickly and drinks more from her mug. “Saw a lake with no dead shite in it, we could spend time there tomorrow, whaddaya think?”

“Sounds nice, but we have work to do.” Blackwall says.

“Pff, we're covered most of the place already, we can go there for awhile.” She insists.

“If you're not too hungover to move in the morning and we have to wait for you, you mean.” Dorian says.

“Oh c'mon, that was one time.”

“And if it happens tomorrow we won't be able to go to the lake so you better watch how much you drink.” Blackwall says.

“Well, I like the idea, but I don't know how to swim.” They look at me surprised.

“Good place to learn, then.” Sera says, drinking the last from her mug and setting it aside. “It seemed safe'nough.”

“In any case, we do our work first, if we have time we go there.” I say. “I'm going to bed now, good night, everyone.” They wish me good night and Solas go with me back to the room. After we enter I notice the floor is dry and the tub had been emptied. “Hmm. Servants already cleaned it. Too bad, it was leaving a nice aroma in the room.” I take off my clothes, staying only in panties and undershirt. Solas hugs me from behind when I'm setting the clothes over my pack.

“Not sleepy?”

“I am, but our talk from before has affected me.”

“Oh yeah?” I lean my head back and look at him. “Do you think you'll ever tire of me?”

“Unlikely.” He kisses my cheek. “I do not tire easily, and I cannot have enough of you.” I guess all new couples say this, but this is exactly how I feel, and it's awesome he feels the same.

“Good.” I turn to face him. “Because I can't get enough of you either and going around all day having to stay separated from you sucks.”

“What do you suggest?” He asks with a smile.

“I would run away with you but since we can't, let's just get rid of these clothes.”

“I agree.” And after removing the clothes and silencing the place we fall on the bed, and it's hours before we finally go to the Fade.


	83. Chapter 83

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Traveling to the Storm Coast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 21.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> So.. this is the last chapter I have complete for now, got to type and continue the 84th, so I don't know when I'll be able to post it, maybe I'll be quick enough to have it done tonight, but it's more likely that it'll be ready only tomorrow. I hope you like this one :)

We don't spend much time in the Fade, having spent most of the night busy with ourselves, but the time we spend there we use studying anatomy. I feel there is just too much for me to learn before I can do any healing at all, but my anatomy knowledge is being refreshed and improved at least. I wake up entangled in him, our hips dangerously close, and he is half hard. I wonder why I'm clinging so much to him since the day before yesterday. I can't resist the urge of kissing his neck and he wakes up to pull me closer. “I love waking up like this.” I tell him and he captures my lips with his. A knock on the door prevents us from doing anything more.

“Grace, are you awake?” Cassandra asks from the other side of the door.

“Yes, Cassandra. I'm getting ready to go downstairs.”

“Oh, good. I will see you in a bit then.” I lick his neck then.

“Can't wait to have you all for myself without people interrupting.” He chuckles.

“That may not happen even after we are back in Skyhold.”

“Oh I'll kill anyone who interrupts me in my bedroom. My mother used to interrupt my works and I had to accept it because it was her house, but I'm their leader. Unless there's another hole in the sky or an army at our door they better not interrupt me.”

“So fierce.” He nibbles my jawline then goes up to my ear. “It is a pity you are not elvhen in moments like these. I could give you so much pleasure simply by playing with your ears.”

“That sucks. Another thing I'm missing on. But you have to teach me how to do it so I can do it to you then.” I move to stand up but he holds me. “We have to leave.”

“Just a moment longer.”

“How can I say no to you?” I hug him and we stay like that for some more minutes, exchanging occasional kisses, until we finally get out of bed and get ready to go downstairs.

 

We have breakfast and get the mounts, heading to the area we still need to cover. I spot some herbs and note it down on the map along with the many other markings I have done since we arrived here. It's not even lunch time when we finish it. There weren't many places where red templars and mercenaries could hide anymore and on the open hills the only things were farms, druffalos and wolves. The wolves avoided us. I guess not being influenced by demons makes them act normally. The few rifts were easy.

Sera insists we should go to that lake and Cassandra suggests a picnic, so we decide to have lunch there. I'm not comfortable with learning to swim there, so I just stay on the grass, studying elvhen with Solas. They say I can't enjoy the place if I do this, but I am enjoying it, my own way. It's a really beautiful and peaceful place, the air is clean and the energy around is very comfortable, it's great to study.

They all go into the water with the exception of Varric. Cole isn't really sure how to behave in the lake but they help him have fun. It's funny to see Varric acting like a father encouraging his child to enjoy the moment with his friends. I have to say Dorian got a really nice body, his boyfriend will be a lucky one. Blackwall is too hairy and Bull doesn't really show anything we can't normally see. Cassandra seems comfortable enough with them, and Sera splashes water on everybody, even pranks them with a plant saying it's a snake, which startles Cassandra for a second.

The mounts spend the time lazily eating the grass, drinking from a calmer area of the lake and resting. We removed their bags so they could be more comfortable. The harts even lay down to take a nap.

We could definitely spend the whole day there, but the world isn't waiting for us and we need to get on the way back to the Storm Coast now that things have been fixed here. Whatever happens the scouts can send word and with no more rifts we can have soldiers patrolling the area.

Nothing at all happens until it's time to set up camp, and we spend the time on the way saying how that experience was fun and we should repeat it often. And how we  **all** should join in the water. Sera doesn't think it's nice that we just stick our noses in books when we should have been having fun with them, or that Varric just observes everybody for his books and doesn't live. What can I say? I'm still getting used to being around so many people. Going in the water, where I'm most vulnerable, in underclothes, is still asking too much of me. Maybe in the future. We still have a long way to go before this is over.

 

Dinner goes nicely and since we stop close to a stream I can bathe normally. I miss hot water, but it's better than no water and I don't like to bother Solas with the spell. He already does so much for me. When he checks on my back he tells me it's almost fully closed; no wonder it almost doesn't hurt anymore. But my evening isn't so nice, because I get stronger cramps. That shit will start soon... shit. I try to get the mark to soothe the pain and it works a little. It's nice to make improvements with it.

Since we didn't sleep much last night we go quickly to the Fade, and studying goes very well. I think if people could learn with this method it would be so much easier to teach them. But there is much prejudice to be removed and they would need to learn how to dream consciously for it to be even possible. Maybe in the new world we're trying to build.

 

We don't linger for long in bed this morning, even though it's hard to let go of each other. My back starts hurting for another reason not much longer after we are back on the way and I'm pretty sure period will start in less than three days, maybe even today, and it gets my mood foul again. I really  **hate** period. And when I think I'll be on my period under rain it just makes my mood even worse. I must be emanating a ‘get away from me and don't talk to me’ aura because they barely look at me until lunch, and even then they only ask if I'm alright and I say “Yes, I'm fine.” I learn some simple spells with Solas at least.

We fight a rift after we're back on the way, but the rest of the day goes smoothly, except for my mood that continues terrible. Dinner goes well, and I use my recently learned heating spell to bathe with a little more comfort at the stream. Cramps continue happening from time to time and I use the mark to soothe them a little. Combined with the tea I almost feel no pain. When I finally go to bed I have to fall asleep alone, because Solas has first watch. I take the chance alone in the Fade to read more of the Hero of Ferelden's book.

The next place the Grey Wardens go is the Circle, since it's the closest to Redcliffe. The moment they discover what happened in the place, Solona is devastated and worried about the friends she's left behind. She insists they help the mages and not hear the Templar's offer because she trusts Irving and the others. Being a mage herself and not at all trusting of Templars, Lyna agrees with Solona, who is crushed when she sees Cullen in that state. Alistair doesn't react very well when he learns about the feelings between Solona and Cullen.

The confrontation with the Sloth demon is much more distressing than what happens in the game, but Lyna manages to save the others. The Litany is very effective against the ritual and they save the mages. While they talk about the Treaties, Solona slips away to check on Cullen and after this event things become weird between her and Alistair.

On their way to Orzammar they are ambushed by bandits and Lyna insists they should recruit Zevran since he doesn't owe allegiance to anybody anymore. Alistair starts behaving as if he doesn't belong in the group and Lyna tries to make him feel better, even getting Solona to have a proper talk with him to clear the situation between them.

I can't continue reading because Solas comes for yet another anatomy lesson. In the middle of our lesson, though, I have to ask him something that has been eating at me: if I'm being fair to Blackwall. “Solas, I have to ask you...” I take a deep breath, “you remember what I told you about Blackwall, right?” He nods, looking at me seriously. “I don't know if he actually deserves the hate I feel towards him. He  **is** trying to redeem himself but I don't know anymore... I told the advisors this would happen.” I sigh.

“I am afraid you are not being clear, Enasa. What did you tell the advisors about Blackwall?”

“No... not about him. About me.” I sigh. “I have that belief that people deserve second chances, but I realized I'm not applying it to Blackwall, even when he is already putting his second chance to use.” I take a deep breath. “I told the advisors I have a problem with leadership, that I become a control freak, and I'm afraid it's affecting my judgment, even changing my beliefs. I don't want to be ruthless, I want to be fair, I don't want to be the person that takes his chance to redeem himself away just because I hate what he did. I'm lost, Solas.”

“Is this judgment over him something you need to do soon?”

“I don't think so...” I think it should only happen after Adamant.

“Then I believe you have time to analyze the situation, his behavior, and decide if he should be punished for it. The things you told me are grave, but some have not even come to pass. And you also do not know if some of those events are made up. You may be hating a man for the wrong reasons. However, in the chance that he had committed those crimes, you may decide if his behavior so far redeems him of them or not. The fact that you care enough to worry about this is already proof that you are not ruthless.” He holds my hand. “I have lived among ruthless leaders and I can assure you that you are far from one.”

“And how do I prevent myself from becoming ruthless?”

“By worrying about others, as you have been doing. By seeing through their mistakes, by questioning yourself and your reasons.” I take a deep breath.

“Thank you, Solas. You helped me, as always. I'm really lucky to have you with me.” I give him a smile. “I'll keep an eye on him, and on myself too.”

“Do you want to continue the lesson?”

“Yes. Now that this is settled I can continue.”

And we do, until it's time to wake up. We don't stay in bed long, just enough to allow sleep to lift from our lazy bodies. I still can't sleep a restful sleep while we travel, and it seems Solas isn't so used to sleeping little either.

 

Breakfast is quick because it starts to rain. Stupid rain. I hate walking under rain. And cramps continue coming and going. Halfway through the morning we come across a group of red templars, with a damn behemoth. It's very hard to defeat them, and I get another bruise from impact. We follow their trail and find a cave with mercenaries and a lot of red lyrium. We continue on the way after clearing the place and stop for lunch.

 

The rest of the way until we stop at the scout's camp is uneventful, and we get updates on the area, which tell us nothing much has changed since the last news we received. While we eat I hear Cassandra and Bull admiring each other's combat skills, with a hint of flirting I never expected to hear between them. I wonder if something could happen there. I barely finish eating when I feel something coming down. Shit. I leave everything and run inside the tent, alarming everyone. Solas comes inside when I'm putting back my clothes after protecting myself with the rags. Stupid period. How can I do this? In this rain? In the middle of nowhere? Traveling around? I sigh.

“What happened?” He asks.

“My... period.”

“Oh. Do you have everything you need?”

“Yes... as awkward as it is.”

“Awkward?”

“I'm still not used to this.” I lower my voice. “What I used before is different, more secure, cleaner.”

“I see. Do you feel any pain? Dizziness?”

“A little pain, but I'm not dizzy. I hope I don't get like before in Haven.”

“I will prepare your tea. Will you come outside to eat some more?”

“Yes.”

We go back outside and he goes prepare my tea while I sit down to continue with my dinner. Cassandra is the one to break the awkward silence. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah... just, that damn period started.”

“I hope it goes better than last time.” She says.

“Heh, tell me about it.”

“What happened last time?” Sera asks.

“I got bedridden.”

“Ouch. Can't have that happen.” She says.

“Yeah, I'm healthier than before, so it might be better.”

“Healthier? You're thinner than your staff!” Sera says with a desperate voice.

“That's too much, I'm not  **that** skinny! But yeah... I know I lost much weight but at least I'm not fainting every half hour.”

“You did back in Crestwood.” Dorian says.

“Because there wasn't enough air. I need air, much air.”

“Pray we won't need to go to the Deep Roads.” Varric says.

“Oh I do... I do...” I hope we won't have to go there... I can't even imagine going to that place with the Titan's Guardian. As beautiful as that underground forest was, getting there was already suffocating on the other side of a screen, in person I would definitely pass out. Not to mention that underground sea... that totally gives me the creeps.

“Well, guess now we know why your mood is so bad lately.” Sera says.

“Sorry about that, it's many things.” I say.

“What's the rest? Blood is one for sure.” She insists.

“Rain, pain, things trying to kill us and not sleeping on a bed to name a few.”

“Yeah, that would get my mood foul too.” Varric says.

“And why doesn't it?” I ask.

“I guess it's an ability of mine.” He chuckles.

We continue talking for some more minutes and then I go clean my teeth and check on my situation. Hopefully I can have a nice night without bloody surprises. Solas checks on my back and I'm finally free of the bandages. Yay! He also offers to cast the cleaning spell and I have to ask about my situation. As expected he can't do much about that, as it is a constant flow.

“It's good having you here tonight. It sucks whenever you have first watch and I have to fall asleep alone.” I say when we finally lay down.

“You seem to sleep just fine when I come join you.”

“It doesn't mean it doesn't suck to fall asleep. I'm addicted to you.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. All of you.”

“All of me?”

“Mhm. And about that, I'm two days without you, you know.”

“Oh I know.”

“I might start having withdrawal effects.” He laughs.

“Is that so?”

“Mhm. Can I get some treatment?”

“That is hardly the right treatment.”

“Oh it is. What you can't give me tonight is what I would call a treat.”

“Treat, but not treatment?”

“Exactly. Treatment is my fix, treat is the nice extra. Like a sweet after a... healer appointment.” He laughs. “Do you want me to do it? Or we can just go to sleep. But in the morning we have more work...”

“And I thought I was hungry when I was young.”

“Well,  **I'm** young. Do you regret dating a young woman?”

“Dating?”

“This we have, being together exclusively. People where I come from would call it dating.”

“Of course I do not.” He caresses my arm. “But I never expected to find someone with so much desire in this age.”

“Oh right, with the Veil and all. Well, our companions’ talks and the fact every major village has a brothel proves that wrong.”

“And your appetite.” He smiles.

“And my appetite. So... do you want, or do we go to the Fade?”

“I believe you know my answer already, or you would not be still talking about this.”

“Well, I want to hear you say it.” I smirk. “And there is something you need to do, you're not that silent, you know.”

“You like it.”

“I  **love** it. Now...?” He moves his fingers and the surge of power silences the tent. “Say it?” He brings his lips close to my ear, almost touching. His breath causes me goosebumps.

“Enasa, I want to feel your mouth on me, sucking me until I am spent.” I shiver and his expression when he looks at me is so intense my veins burn.

“And... in elvhen?” I'm a bit breathless and he raises an eyebrow, then smirks and says it again. “Oh my god, that's so hot.” I kiss him and while I do I move my hands down his bare chest, until I find the laces of his pants. He is so hard, this will be fun.

What I didn't expect, however, was for him to have something for me while I'm treating him. I feel his magic touching me as if it was his fingers, but with the added effect of a little tingling. It feels different, but a really good kind of different. I still prefer when it's him, but it's good nonetheless.


	84. Chapter 84

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Struggling with period and finding the Blades of Hessarian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I made it, I finished it today! :D  
> Now I have to write the next one, and I'm not sure it'll be here tomorrow. I hope you like it, and that you don't mind the bloody parts :x  
> Thank you for kudos and comments! <3

Our time in the Fade is spent studying anatomy again, and Solas makes me identify on him, with my magic, the parts of the body we have been studying. I got to say it's extremely weird to search muscles and glands with my energy, and by the way he reacts I'm pretty sure I still cause side effects when I move my magic through him. I have to learn to control this before I can examine someone else. But would someone else  _ feel _ this? Maybe it's one of those things that only people with strong connection to the Fade can notice. It would still be a problem, though.

I wake up and all is fine until I sit up. I can feel the pieces and I really don't know what I should do at this point, but I think if I stand up it'll be worse, specially because I have no toilet to run to. I sigh. God, this is so terrible. I run my hands over my face and just hope I won't cause a mess on the bedroll. I've already lost so much weight, did it all go to my womb? Geez... there shouldn't be this much blood.

“What is wrong?” Solas asks, sitting up beside me.

“Too much blood.” Is all I manage to say.

“I will get you some water.” He says while he puts his clothes back on. I don't really want to have to do this but there is no other way around that doesn't include walking or running through camp to the nearby bush. I take a deep breath.

“Solas... can you get me an empty basin or bowl? I might... need to be here a while.”

“ _ Of course _ . I will return soon.”

I'm feeling uncomfortably wet and I know things already went bad. There will be much for me to do this morning. Shit. I can't even imagine what happened in Haven if something like this happened then. I'm still frozen in place. Solas comes back a few minutes later with two empty basins and a pitcher. He summons water in the pitcher and heats it afterwards.

“Do you need help?” He asks after placing the objects close to me.

“No... I'll be fine.” I hope.

“Do you feel any pain?”

“Not right now. I er... might need you to teach me the cleaning spell today, though. I believe I made a mess.”

“Do not worry. I will attempt to teach you, however in the event you are still not ready I can cast it.”

“It's extremely embarrassing, Solas.”

“It is natural.” He kneels to give me a kiss on my forehead then stands up. “I will give you privacy. Should you need anything, call me.”

“You are perfect, you know this?” He chuckles.

“I am far from perfect. I will be outside.”

He leaves and I look at the objects in front of me and take a deep breath. This will be complicated. I stand up only to feel the increased flux and look down to where I was. Well, at least it's not  **too** bad. It could definitely be worse. Can't say the same about my panties, though. They  **are** too bad. I remove them and sit over one of the basins so I let this shit come out while I think about what I should do. I have to clean the bedroll but there is no way I can wash it in the stream right now, this is definitely something for the spell. My panties are too soiled for the spell, it needs some serious work, or maybe I should just cut it down to rags. Shit, I only brought two pairs because Solas said I should travel light. I sigh.

Focus, Grace. I need to wash the rags too, they are small at least; I'll start with them. I bring my pack closer to me with magic and get the hygiene kit so I can get my soap. I pour some water into the other basin and then start with the soap on the rags. My hands hurt from washing it... so far I never had to scrub the clothes so much and my skin is sensitive. Maybe if I cast a Barrier…

After the basin is too full to be used I heat the water enough so it evaporates and after I get rid of the solid remains I conjure more water in the pitcher, heating it before I go back to washing the rags again. I have to do this a couple more times before I just let it boil so I make sure it's clean and then I dry it, careful not to set them on fire. These simple spells are awesome. Solas should’ve taught me them much sooner.

Cleaning my panties will be a challenge, though. I'm sure it'll be forever stained. By the time I'm done I'm sure people are wondering what's wrong with me and I wonder what Solas has told them. The Barrier saved my hands, by the way. I'm sure I would have ripped skin by now without it.

This is one of the worst mornings since I've arrived here, for sure. I don't know how long I've been here, cleaning these, but the flow hasn't even decreased. I don't think the powders can balance this blood loss. I'll have to take it easy on the exploration if I don't want to faint. The cloths are dry and so are the panties so I can use them again. I clean myself with some difficulty, considering the position I'm in and the items available, but it helps me feel better. I put back my clothes and proceed to clean the basin I was using. This shit is extremely disgusting. To think I used to like blood when I was young... urgh.

I make sure everything is clean before I peek outside the tent to call Solas inside, ignoring the curious looks of the others. He comes inside and tries to teach me the spell. My focus is better, and the fact that I've learned to control water and fire helps, but in the end I notice I don't have the necessary control to manipulate the air to this level. I'll have to wait some more before I can learn this spell. Solas then cleans the bedroll effortlessly, leaving not even a trace of stain.

“You are so skilled... I envy you, really.” He chuckles.

“I had time to practice.” He hugs me and I wrap my arms around him tight. I'm tired after doing all that. “Your tea is ready, if you want to have it now.” He says while caressing my mess of a hair. In this rush I didn't even bother with it.

“I wish I could lay down the rest of the day.” I sigh and nuzzle his neck. “Can't you tell them I'm too sick to move?”

“I could, but would you feel comfortable with it?” I sigh.

“No... wish I could, but no... I would feel guilty.”

“We can leave later, however. If you need time to rest and recover.”

“I guess we could...” He lifts my chin and places a soft kiss on my lips.

“Come outside, you need to eat. Now more than ever.” I take a deep breath.

“Yeah... I know...”

We go outside and then I notice they have really worried faces. Are they worried I would be bedridden again? Or maybe they think something else happened? “What did you tell them?” I ask Solas before we sit down.

“Only that you needed time alone.” Well, guess that's alright.

“Are you feeling alright?” Varric asks.

“Yeah... just tired.” Solas gives me the tea and I sip. “Can we move out later today? I want to rest some more if it's not so urgent to get out there. How's the situation?”

“There hasn't been any change.” Cassandra says. “If you would not mind I could take a group to investigate while you rest.”

“Hmm. Yeah, I think that would be best. We wouldn't delay so much and I could recover a bit.” I take a deep breath and look around. “Alright, Cassandra... take everybody but Solas with you, I might need his help so I'm keeping him here.” We're in a scout's camp so we have enough protection.

“Shite... I didn't want to walk around in this rain, Grace.” Sera says.

“Well... we have a lot of work to do here, at least you'll have Dorian to ward off the rain for you. If you don't mind his magic.” I raise an eyebrow.

“Urgh... fine... I'll accept this magic.” I see Dorian smirking.

The good thing of having this cover here over our heads is that we don't get wet and can work the fire, but we barely get wind. I miss feeling the wind on my face. Without wind I get even more tired; at least the air is fresh enough so I don't feel sick.

I eat some oatmeal and then go back inside the tent to lay down. Solas goes inside with me and tells me some nice stories he had lived and seen in the Fade. Using him as pillow is definitely great. At some point I fall asleep, but don't go to the Fade. When I wake up he is sleeping and I can't help admiring him. Then I have to check on myself, and it's weird to do it in the tent with him, I hope he doesn't wake up while I'm at it. I do what I have to do and then lay down again, he doesn't seem to have woken up. I fall asleep again.

 

When I open my eyes he is still under me, but is awake. “ _ Are you feeling better? _ ” He asks me and I rub my face on his chest. “You behave like a cat, you know?” I laugh.

“Yes, I guess I do.” I kiss his shoulder. “I'm feeling better, yes. Have they returned?”

“A few minutes ago.” Maybe that's what woke me up then.

“Well... let's get to work. I have to check on myself first, though.” I sit up.

“I will wait outside.” He says then kisses me quickly on my lips before standing up and leaving the tent.

I check on myself; things aren't much better, and I think it will take days until it is, but at least I haven't made another mess. I go outside and get the news from Cassandra. She tells me they found a Grey Warden's trail, and a few scrambled notes about them being after another Grey Warden, but that they never mention their name, or gender. They had fought some mercenaries, but not found any red lyrium in the vicinity. She also tells me of a rift nearby and some people who aren't Tevinter behaving suspiciously. The scouts have mentioned them, but haven't tried contact yet. I wonder if they are those recruitable mercenaries; I forgot their names.

We have lunch and decide to go to the rift first, then check the mercenaries. We leave the mounts at camp because the terrain is too hard for mounts. Our previous visit here consisted only of a small portion of the extensive beach, and now we are trekking up the hills. Slippery rocks in this rain make me slip, but thankfully Solas is quick and catches me before I hurt myself. The view is amazing, though. This place is really beautiful and the smell of the sea travels far, the wind is really comforting, except that it brings several rain drops... and I hate the feeling of rain on me.

The rift is easy and I close it without problem. Apparently the period still hasn't affected my strength, and I'm glad for it. We come across one of the Grey Warden's traces they had found and I wonder if they had been here before or after Crestwood, it's hard to know because of the rain. And they might even be a different group.

From the place we're at we can see a group of those mercenaries that aren't from Tevinter down by the beach. I wonder how these people can be so comfortable being wet. Don't they ever get sick because of it? We observe their movements from afar and see they have a compound nearby, pretty much like in the game. It would be a nice place to add to the Inquisition. Our scouts were never killed by them, and we never came across that message with the instructions to build a necklace, but they are people and they would probably hear us, especially after seeing such a large and well armed group as ours. Right?

As we approach the place, the guards at the gate ready themselves to attack us and tell us to turn around and leave. Well, at least they haven't attacked on sight, that  **does** make them better than the Tevinter mercenaries, and much better than how it goes in the game. Maybe their leader can even be persuaded to help and not fought to death. Maybe he isn't a cold-blooded bandit ordering the others to ransack, steal and kill people.

I tell them we want to talk to their leader, and they look at each other with confused faces. One of them says it's not a good idea if we treasure our lives, because their leader doesn't  _ talk _ . Bull laughs his thundering laugh and it shakes the guards' stance. I can see they fear us, and are unlikely up to die for their leader. I tell them we aren't afraid of their leader, because as they could see, we are prepared and well equipped, and very, very skilled. Varric makes me greater a threat by selling the image of the powerful Herald of Andraste, Inquisitor and holy woman sent by the Maker. Just for fun, so I can check their reaction, I cast a Barrier making it larger than before, the power is the same, but it would make me shine brighter, and as I thought, they become shocked by the display.

“So the rumors  **are** true!” One of the guards say, and I can notice some sort of awe. The other runs inside and I look at my companions, a bit confused. Varric shrugs and Solas tells me to wait. We wait. The remaining guard is squirming and I got no idea what to make of it. He then lowers his weapon and approaches me. Cassandra prepares her sword just in case, but the man doesn't seem to be up for a fight. “Please grant me your forgiveness, Herald. I have been forced to do so much wrong!” He falls on his knees and my eyes go wide. I look to the others and they all look at me with surprised faces, except for Solas who is still looking at the man, Sera who is about to burst into laughs and Cassandra who is fixed on the man, hand still on the sword.

“Er...” I begin, not sure what to say, “stand up, man. It's not my forgiveness you need, but if you regret what you've done you can redeem yourself by helping others.”

“Yeah, man.” Bull says. “Get your friends out here and let's talk. You can join the Inquisition and make up for it.” At this moment I hear a lot of voices and the gate opens, and I see many men and women in their uniform coming out with funny faces. “Or... just join the Inquisition since your friends are already out here.” The man, still on the ground, looks over his shoulder.

The people at the gate start bumping elbows at each other trying to come through, nobody with weapons at hands, but they all seem to have that same expectant expression, as if I was their savior or something. This is definitely not what I expected to find. I can't make sense of what they are saying, they all speak at the same time, and then I see some at the back being pushed aside; and when the reason shows itself I see it's a large armored man. I think that's their leader.

“What's the meaning of this? What are you all doing? Go back to work! Who are you?”

“She's the Inquisitor and the Herald of Andraste.” Cassandra says, copying Varric previous statement, and I'm still glowing but it doesn't seem to affect the man, who spits at the ground close to me. Disgusting. The man who was kneeling stands up and unsheathes his sword at the leader.

“What do you think you're doing, you dimwit?” The leader says to the man. “You have a second to lower that and get to work before I cut you in half and your family.”

“She's sent by the Maker! You're not going to threaten us anymore!” The man says. Well, he can be brave it seems. The leader pulls his broadsword from his back and lunges at the man, but is frozen in place by me before he can lower the weapon at the man. The people at the gate all go into a sequence of “oh”s and then cheer. Of course it doesn't last long because Chill Strike isn't permanent, but it gives the man time to get out of the way.

“Let's get this over with.” I say and Cassandra only needs to take a few steps ahead to reach the man, still frozen, but unfortunately he is too strong to die with our favourite combo. Varric launches his bolts at the man but most of it doesn't go deep into his armor. The people spread around quickly to watch the battle and to stay at a safe distance, and we fall into open combat.

Cole teleports behind him and his dagger finds a spot under his arm when the man lifts it to try and strike Cassandra, but she holds against it with her shield. Sera shoots at him but he blocks the arrows with the sword. The man is good. But not good enough to resist spells, though. Dorian sets his body on fire and he panics, the armor is half made of metal so I bet he is cooking in there. Solas freezes the man, noticing I'm struggling with the display of pain, and Bull takes the opportunity to cut the man's head off his shoulder. All in all, it was pretty quick. I guess we do have a pretty strong group.

The mercenaries all cheer in unison, as if this was the greatest achievement they have ever seen. Some approach and fall on their knees and I can only wonder about what kind of life they had here. The leader had said some threat about that man's and family's life, so were all these people stuck here by threats? If that's the case then this is more of a rescue mission than a recruiting one. Which is awesome, really.

We try to put some order in the situation and go inside to a dry place. The compound is awful, the only really clean place here seems to be the house of the previous leader. Some small buildings hoard equipment and other things that I assume were stolen from somewhere. The mabaris look like they're starving, so I doubt they were loyal to that man as it happened in game. We split the group so they can check around and I stand with Cassandra, Solas and Varric to evaluate these people, asking what life here was like, how they came to be here, why they never tried to leave; things like that.

Turns out some could be considered slaves, the dead leader used to attack small villages and take away people, who later he would use for his own force. The latest place he tried attacking was this compound, and liked the idea of hiding behind the Blades of Hessarian's reputation to take advantage. The few who organized themselves against the man weren't successful because the ones who had family threatened by him would always defend him; they feared him too much not to. Now that they were free some would return to their families if the Inquisition allowed them, which we would, and some would stay to make up for their actions or simply to try and make the world a better place.

We get them to clean the compound, organize the ones leaving and the ones staying and take records of everything, also to make a list of the place's inventory and see what we could use to turn this place into a base of sorts. A respectable base.


	85. Chapter 85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Storm Coast and beyond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I can't believe this story is at 161 kudos, thank you all very much! It makes me really happy to see you enjoy it <3  
> I hope you like this chapter :)

The rain intensifies as the day passes and it would take long, not to mention it would be dangerous to go back to camp at dark in this weather, so we decide to stay in the compound. It's ours now, anyway. The house the ex-leader used for himself is big enough for our whole group, so we stay there. We don't trust the Blades of Hessarian yet though, so we keep watch nonetheless.

Solas keeps watch in the first round so I go to the Fade alone. I wonder why the spirits don't visit me when I come to this side, but well, they have other people to visit, right? I can't take all their time for myself. But I still miss them. Not having Solas here or spirits to talk to, I decide to continue reading the book of the Hero of Ferelden.

Their travel to Orzammar included fighting many mercenaries under Logain's orders, but they make it there. Watching them going inside the ground is terrible; this time I would much rather have a normal book to read. I feel suffocated as they travel through the Deep Roads, and watching the darkspawn is terrifying. I really hope never to find them, but I know I will if this goes like it was in game. I have to take many breaks during this reading so I can breathe; I'm really not fit for the Deep Roads. I can't find out the fate of Orzammar yet because Solas comes to see me, and we make some progress in my anatomy training.

 

I wake up to an uncomfortable feeling between my legs, but thankfully it's not a mess. I don't need to go through all that trouble like yesterday. After getting ready I join the others for breakfast and they inform me everything was pretty normal during the night, and the Blades seemed relaxed. And I bet they were, after all, that demon of a leader was dead.

Our plan for today included investigating the rest of the area for signs of Grey Wardens and maybe finding the hideouts of the Tevinter mercenaries. We also had rifts to close, and hopefully the dragon will keep to herself so we don't have to engage in any fight.

 

The rain hasn't stopped, but at least it's not so intense as it was last night. I take notes of the many plants and ore veins we come across, careful not to harm the map. The sea air is still amazing, and this makes me enjoy the place despite having the uncomfortable feeling of cold rain falling on me  **all** the time. We find mercenaries moving crates and follow them so we can see where they're taking it. Turns out this group wasn't taking red lyrium anywhere, they were simply going to collect it in a creepy cave. We keep our distance so we can see where they're taking the lyrium next, and to my surprise that dwarven ruin is here too, and it's much bigger than it was in the game. Knowing where both places were, we take care of the group so we can get the key to the ruin and destroy the red lyrium shipment they were carrying.

The inside of the ruin is overwhelming and even though great part of it is collapsed and flooded by the sea I can't breathe as well as I'd like. There are still many runes lighting the place, and I wonder what this used to be when it was still a functional building. We have to fight many red templars, including Shadows who give me a nasty cut on my leg. That shit  **burns** . Everyone is worried that I might become sick with red lyrium, and I honestly wonder what would happen to me if I do. There is no way to heal me, though, so Solas treats me like always and we hope for the best. It sucks that my beautiful armored footwrap that Lana made me is ruined.

We clean the place, burn the bodies and get rid of the red lyrium. We don't feel the need to sabotage the ship, considering we may make use of it in the future, but we'll make sure to have people watching the area as soon as we can talk to scouts. Shipping place dealt with, we needed to destroy their harvesting place, and we go there next, fighting many mercenaries and freeing some slaves. I wonder if the Dalish they attacked that day were meant to become slaves for red lyrium harvesting. We don't get hurt and we stop for lunch, having Varric and Sera go off to hunt so we can also feed the former slaves. We tell them they can find shelter at the Blades of Hessarian's compound, and if they want they can join the Inquisition.

 

As we explore further we come across what seems to have been a Grey Warden's camp. Blackwall isn't able to enlighten us on what we find, and we just mark it on the map so we can keep track of the places they've been at. Continuing the exploration we find an entrance to another dwarven ruin, and I find out what giant spiders look like for the first time. They are in no way as cute as the small ones are, and they definitely want to kill us. Thankfully it's not hard to fight them, not with a group like ours.

There's nothing interesting or useful there, but at least we can make use of the shelter for the night. While there's still light outside we explore around, but aside from serpentstone veins and a lot of elfroot we don't find anything. I wonder if those constellation puzzles don't really exist here since we haven't found any yet. We use a tent for privacy and I got to clean myself when we return to the ruin.

We spend the entire dinner talking about many things: how we all hate the rain here, what the Grey Wardens could be doing around here, what we should be doing next, how we are getting better at fighting together and how I should not risk myself getting injured. My leg doesn't hurt as much as I think it should, considering I've been walking for hours and the cut is somewhat deep; but I'll take what I can and be happy that at least the pain isn't strong. I just hope the red lyrium didn't infect me.

Considering there is only one entrance to the place we're in, Solas and Dorian sets up wards to block the entrance so we could all get a full night's sleep. And considering Cole doesn't sleep I suppose he also could warn us of anything going wrong, anyway.

The bad thing about sleeping in a closed place is the echo, and I guess you might remember that time when I slept in the same room with Varric. I can't sleep with people snoring. And to make it even better, Blackwall and Bull snore too. I end up asking Solas if he can cast a sound ward that would work in reverse, so I could sleep. Thankfully, he can, and he does.

 

Our time in the Fade tonight is spent once again with anatomy lessons, and when it comes to practice I'm happy to see I'm improving. And he tells me that I don't cause side effects as strong anymore. Yay.

We wake up in the morning and I go clean myself. I'm really happy for these simple spells, they are making my life much easier... I don't even want to think about how dirty I would be without them. I would probably... no, not thinking about it. We have breakfast and I notice I'm getting a bit dizzy... probably effect of the blood loss and a not so healthy diet. Our supplies aren't that great after all. Exercising as much as we are everyday would drain my strength as well. Because of this, when we move out we go at a much slower pace.

Thankfully we don't have much more places to cover, considering a big part of the area is mountain that we don't have any way of going to. Hopefully there won't be anything there. As we move around we come across some rifts, and we don't have any issue closing them, aside from me feeling the recoil more than usual, that is.

 

We find another Grey Warden trail by the time we stop for lunch, and not so far from there we see a cave. It reminds me of that place in game with a difficult rift and darkspawn; I wonder if it's the same place. We decide to head there so we would have shelter while we eat. Before we even get inside we hear the sounds of fighting, and when we carefully investigate we see spiders, demons and darkspawn fighting each other. Darkspawn are much worse in person, and that book was already very intense. We decide to wait until they kill more of each other so we don't have such a great amount of enemies to fight and then we join them so we can finish the battle and close the rift.

Exploring the cave we find the most likely place the darkspawn were coming from, and I doubt simply putting stones to block it would solve the problem. They dig around the underground, they would simply remove the stones again. So we block it with the stone and Solas and Dorian enchant it so that it wouldn't be removed as easily. I feel Veilfire and summon it, wondering what secret is hidden in this place. I walk around with Solas and Dorian, who is curious about it, following the link while the others prepare lunch.

The Veilfire leads me to a wall, that lights up completely in a massive drawing. It looks like a waterfall in a garden, with the sun shining high above the water. It's really beautiful and my companions comment on it. When I touch it I get another vision: this cave used to be a garden, and it was so magnificent then. Elvhen without vallaslin walking peacefully around, tending to the place, painting, reading and relaxing on the grass. Children playing by the stream that ran from the waterfall up ahead. There is no rune crafting this time, but the memory is so beautiful and I wonder if the purpose of the Veilfire mural was to record this moment of peace.

The mages beside me take turns in watching it and both of them are just as impressed as I am, and I feel that Solas is also sad with it. I guess it's because that's something he lived and lost, and knows it won't be possible to exist again any time soon. Dorian, on the other hand, is simply amazed, never having seen elves so happy before.

We go up to the waterfall and Solas tells me there is an artifact nearby. I find it sitting on some rocks, almost camouflaged. Looking around I notice what we see is nothing like what was in that memory, and it's indeed very sad to see what it became.

While we have lunch we discuss the Grey Warden's trail we have marked on the map. It all leads us to believe they either came from the east or are heading there. When I ask them what's to the east, Cassandra tells me: Soldier's Peak. I don't really remember what that is, but the name sounds familiar.

"It is an old Grey Warden's keep," she explains, "the Hero of Ferelden investigated it during the Fifth Blight. It was a cursed place, site to blood magic experiments."

"Was?" I ask.

"Well, reports suggest she dealt with threats there." She answers.

"Do you think there could be Grey Wardens there?" Blackwall asks.

"Well, they used to be there at some point. When they disappeared months before the Conclave, nobody saw signs of them there anymore."

"Could they have returned there since then?" I ask.

"Our scouts haven't reported anything in that region."

"Can you send a message to Leliana informing about this when we're back at camp? I might forget to do it, and I think it's worth taking a look. We're close to there, aren't we?"

"Yes, it's a day from here."

And so it was decided, we're taking the Grey Warden investigation further. After lunch we go back to the scout's camp, taking the lower route since the higher route was covered. We fight some rifts and for the first time I see the dragon that is living in this area. Such a beautiful creature. In game it was never a threat to anybody, so I hope it continues this way and we don't have to fight it. This route is also easier to tread so it's much faster. We make it to the scout's camp by nightfall.

Cassandra informs them of the Blades of Hessarian and templar's ship, updates the map with our progress and sends off the message to Leliana, which I indeed had forgotten about. If I didn't have her with me I'd probably have to walk with a notebook and check it every fifteen minutes or so to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.

 

The good thing about sleeping in a scout's camp is not having to worry about food or watch, so we just enjoy our rest. Despite the cramps I find myself in the mood to sing, and I do. "You've Got a Friend" is the one that comes to my mind, and I think it might be because of the feelings I have for these people. If only they saw me the way I see them, and if only they could accept my and Solas' plans.

I'm so tired after all that happened today that after I'm clean I don't want to do anything else but to lay down and close my eyes, but Solas insists I have to let him check on my wound. It's not infected or anything like that, so that's good, but it doesn't seem to be improving either. It's weird that it doesn't hurt as much as I think it should, considering the gash is open and bleeding. More vinegar on it, and that seems to wake up my body enough to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately it also wakes it up for the pain. Injury taken care of, we lay down and fall asleep in each other's arm.

After another night of anatomy lessons we wake up to face what seems to be a really long day. At least now we get to have the mounts with us. Reast seems to be happy to travel along with me again, and I sure am very happy to have him around. Now that my back is healed I guess I can finally learn how to ride him. That is, if the injury on my leg doesn't get in the way.

As we move further east we come by another trail of the Wardens, which confirms our suspicion that we're on the right track. Another good thing of moving this way is finding more rifts to close, resources to mark down on the map and mercenaries to stop. And the best of all: no more constant rain. By the time we stop for lunch the massive keep can be seen in the distance, we should get there before nightfall.


	86. Chapter 86

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soldier's Peak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Hey again!  
> I could write this one today too so here you go :)  
> I hope you like it! <3

As we approach the keep, the Veil seems to become thinner, and I can't help worrying about the demons that could be inside the place. I remember back in Origins when the keep was a wreck and the Veil was already thin, but the Warden would eventually fix it by siding with either of the bosses there. With the Breach I wonder if it all just went to hell again or if this was another mess created by the Grey Wardens.

The sun is down on the horizon when we get to the gates, which are open. My skin has goosebumps all over it and I feel uncomfortable the further inside we go. "Something is wrong here." Solas says. The place is eery, the energy I feel is cold and seems to want to reach inside my stomach. There aren't animals around, no birds, no insects chirping. The very air is still. It creeps me out.

"Is the Veil... torn?" I ask him.

"Almost." Solas answers.

"Urgh... can't ya just do this without me?" Sera asks.

"You're welcome to watch the mounts if you want." I say while getting off the horse.

"Yeah... guess I'll do that."

"I'll stay with her, you know, in case something happens back here." Bull says.

"Suit yourselves." I say, summoning a mote to light the place and looking around. "Cassandra, you said the Hero of Ferelden fixed the place, right?"

"That is what history says."

"Was Leliana with her when she came here?"

"I don't know, Grace. Do you think they lied?"

"I'm not sure, but this is weird." I turn to Solas. "Solas, is it possible to damage the Veil so extensively after it being repaired?"

"Whenever a great deal of power or death happens in a place, it weakens the Veil. Considering the Veil had already been damaged before in this place, it is highly possible."

"Could the Breach had affected it?" He shakes his head.

"Although possible, it is unlikely. Otherwise we would be dealing with a rift here, considering it would be so easy to rip open the Veil in its weakened condition. Whatever caused the damage in the Veil, I do not believe it is related to the Breach."

"So that probably leaves us with blood magic, mass murder or irresponsible use of power." He nods.

"Cheerful." Dorian says, coming closer.

"Well," Cassandra begins, taking her stuff from the horse, "let us see what happened here."

And we go inside the place.  Cole is nowhere to be seen, and I wonder where he went off to. The door is open, not simply unlocked, but open. Cassandra carefully pushes it enough for us to peek inside. The place is a mess, people definitely fought here. Back at the end of the corridor I see a glimmering figure passing from one door to the other, and I feel a shiver through my spine. Great... a ghost.

"Did you all see that?" I ask.

"Yes." Solas says, calmly, but I see Cassandra seems shocked, if not pale. "A spirit is lost here."

"It looked like a ghost to me." Dorian says.

"Whatever that was, I hope it stays away." Varric says, Bianca in hand.

"It doesn't seem to be hostile." I say. "But it definitely doesn't make me comfortable."

"It is lost, therefore it hurts." Solas explains. "Its energy is conflicted and it harms without knowledge. We need to approach carefully."

"Do you think it knows what happened here?" I ask.

"It is possible."

"You plan on  **talking** to it?" Blackwall asks, and I turn to look at his incredulous expression.

"If it's up to talking, yeah." And then I look at Solas. "But I might not be the best person for the task, considering it makes me feel uncomfortable, I don't want to make it feel even worse."

"I will try." Solas says and I smile, relieved.

We go further inside and the more we see, the less we understand. There is blood on the floor and walls, but no bodies. Outside there were no signs of graves. Whatever happened here left no body behind. There is no blood trail, so they weren't dragged. Eaten, maybe? But if they were eaten, then whatever ate them also ate their clothes?

"Screams, blood, pain, so much pain, so much blood. I have to run, but I can't run anymore. My leg is broken, I'm gonna die. Please make it fast." Cole says, appearing from the door on the side. "He is scared, he is hurting. I can't reach to him."

"Calm down, Cole." I say. "Who is?"

"Grief. He doesn't know who he is anymore, though. He is like I was before." He points to the way he came. "He is over there, crying, confused. It wants help but doesn't know how to ask."

"Alright, let's see what we can do." I look to Solas and he nods.

"I can watch, right?" Dorian asks.

"As long as you control your emotions." Solas says. "It is already confused by what happened, it doesn't need to be influenced by our emotions."

"I can control myself." Dorian says, and I think I notice a little defensive tone. I hope this goes well.

"I'm going to stay back with Dorian, I don't know how to comfort others so I don't think I'll be of much help." I say and caress Solas' hand for a second, wishing him luck. Solas nods and tells Cole to take him to the spirit.

"I'm going to wait here, if you don't mind." Varric says and I look at Cassandra.

"I will... follow you. In case something happens."

"Just don't expect the worst, Cassandra. That kind of expectation can influence the spirit." She nods.

"I'll stay with Varric, I do not want to get in the way." Blackwall says.

"Alright then." I say and we move after Solas and Cole, staying at a distance safe enough to not affect the spirit in any strong way, but close enough to watch and hear.

Grief is crouched by a turned over table, hugging his legs. Cole is the first to get close, he tries to reach for the spirit, but the spirit looks straight through him and continues his crying. Cole motions for Solas to approach and he does.

"Hello, friend." Solas begins, squatting down in front of him. "What ails you?"

"I lost everything." The spirits says between sobs.

"Tell me about it. It will make you feel better."

"I..." the spirit sighs and sniffs, "I received a letter that said my father was hearing the calling and would head to the Deep Roads soon, so I came here to say goodbye. When I arrived they were killing each other."

"Who were? The Grey Wardens?" Solas asks and the spirit nods, crying some more before recovering some control to continue.

"My father was nowhere in sight, but I recognized some of the Wardens fighting, I had visited them before. They were my friends, and they were killing each other!"

"Calm down, friend." Solas calmly says. "It is in the past, it cannot harm you anymore. Do you know why they were fighting?" The spirit shakes his head.

"No. They wouldn't stop fighting. I ran in search of my father, and when I found him, he was lying on the cold ground, with a wound on his belly." Grief cries some more and they let him do it. After a minute or so he continues. "He was still alive, but barely. Oh father, my dear father! If only I had arrived earlier. His last words for me were 'I love you, son. Get out of here. They've gone mad.' I tried to get him out, but I couldn't. I was too weak. Oh father." The spirit cries. "I was never a strong man, my father was a hero. And he died because the ones he considered friends betrayed him!" I can feel heat in the air, the spirit is losing control.

"Shh. Calm down, calm down. Take a deep breath." Solas says, so calmly, so soothing. I wonder if he had to do this before. "Remember how you felt in that moment. It wasn't anger, it was the pain of losing him. Focus on it. Embrace that feeling, my friend. Feel the grief of that boy within you, and become stronger for it. Do not let his loss affect your nature. You do not seek revenge, you do not feel anger. You become stronger through accepting that there is only growth through loss." The energy from the spirit seems to return to its cold and painful one.

"I couldn't get out in time, though. They found me with father, and they tried to kill me. I tried to run, but they broke my leg. At least they killed me quickly." Grief goes quiet for a few minutes and Cole decides to hug him. He hugs him back. After some more minutes he continues. "I... I'm not him."

"That is right." Solas says. "You were attracted by his strong feelings, and lost yourself for some time, but now you know. You will be fine now, friend. That is in the past. You can return home."

"You want to help." Grief says to Cole, and Cole lets him go to nod. "I thank you for your help, both of you. I watched much pain that day. That boy, he suffered greatly, but you can make his pain not be in vain." The spirit stands up, and Solas and Cole do it afterwards. "The people who lived here, they are scared. And they didn't listen to their friends, ending up killing them in their despair. There might be more of them out there, scared and killing their friends. You must stop them. That is not how things should be."

"Do you know where they went?" Solas asks and the spirit shakes his head.

"No, but you may yet find answers in this place. Be careful, there is an Arcane Horror in the depths of the keep. It turned their bodies, brought wisps against their will." Shit... I haven't considered undead.

"Thank you for your help, friend. We will do our best to fix this." The spirit then nods and slips away through the Veil, becoming transparent until we couldn't see it anymore. I see Solas' shoulders fall as if he was immensely relieved, and Cole opens a big smile. I'm happy to see that boy happy. I approach them.

"That went well." I say, with a smile, and Solas turns to me with a sad smile. I tilt my head. "What's wrong?" He sighs.

"It is nothing, I am simply reminded of people's ignorance. Their fear caused them to create even more harm."

"Yeah... and that's not even half of it." I say and he nods, probably knowing exactly what I'm referring to.

"That was so moving, Solas!" Dorian says. "I never thought spirits could be like that, and even talked to like that. You have a gift."

"Indeed." Cassandra says. "This makes me rethink yet again everything I have learned from my training and the Chantry."

"I may yet convince the two of you to meet my friends in the Fade." I say, with a chuckle. Cassandra looks at me with a shocked face, but Dorian seems intrigued.

"I might just accept that offer, my dear Grace." He says. "But we should let the others know of the massacre that happened here, and deal with that Horror."

"Yeah... we should." I say and we walk back. "Anything happened while we were gone?" I ask as we stop in front of them.

"Thankfully, no." Varric says. "How did that go?"

"Long story short," I begin, "the Grey Wardens are hearing the calling before the time, they went mad, killed a bunch of their own."

"You can't be serious." Blackwall says.

"She is." Cassandra says. "We heard the spirit say. Have you been affected by it, Blackwall?"

"No... Maker, there has to be more to it, that's not something a Grey Warden would do."

"Well... the spirit said there might be stuff around to explain it better, so let's take a look." I say and he nods.

"Shit keeps getting weirder." Varric says.

"Oh and, we should be prepared for an Arcane Horror somewhere inside." I add as we move ahead. "With a bunch of Grey Warden undead."


	87. Chapter 87

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soldier's Peak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> So many kudos since yesterday! I'm surprised and happy <3 Thank you very much and I can only hope that you'll continue to like the story!  
> I hope you like this chapter, the following chapters are going to continue on a different path from the game, and I hope you like it :3

Wherever we go we find more blood, more destroyed furniture, and no body. The place is huge, and the uncomfortable feeling in the air only gets worse the further inside we move. I wonder how we can even fix the Veil here. We find what seems to be a dormitory and search the lockers and armoires for anything that could give us any clue on what happened here.

We find a diary, and the person who wrote it definitely was going mad by the way the days progressed only becoming more and more confusing. They describe how the Calling was only getting stronger, and how their friends were starting to hear it too; and complain about how they were lied to, because "they were young people, recently joined the Wardens, there shouldn't be any Calling." And they were getting desperate. I let everyone take a look if they wanted, but the only ones interested were Cassandra and Blackwall. Our fake Warden is taken aback by the information he finds in the diary, and spends the rest of the investigation murmuring to himself or quiet.

I'm tired, but we must continue. There's no way I'm sleeping with an Arcane Horror and god knows how many undead in the vicinity. We find more diaries telling around the same thing, and some even complain about their superiors not doing anything, not knowing what to do, simply telling them to "stay put and calm down, that they would find answers." Apparently answers that never came. Nothing so far explains what triggered that massacre, though.

 

It feels like hours before we finally reach the way that goes downstairs, and I assume that is what Grief meant by "depths of the keep". Cassandra leads the way, and Blackwall is the last one in the staircase. The only lights are coming from our motes, and it's extremely creepy. The place smells of mold, and I already know what I'll be doing in the next few minutes: coughing, sneezing, suffocating. As we move ahead I begin hearing noises that simply would creep my soul out of my body. The moanings that I hear are awful things, it's maddening and causes my chest to tighten in pain. There is definitely undead ahead, and we're in the dark, in a place that I can barely breathe. I want to cry and run away.

We fall into a battle formation that should protect me from them: Cassandra, Blackwall, Solas and Dorian ahead, me and Varric behind. What about Cole? No idea, he's gone again. With the motes we spot torches on the walls, and we light them as we move ahead, and the further we move, the more desperate I feel. The sound of undead is getting louder, until there is a fucking shriek and I feel like I died and came back to my body in one second. Shit! My heart feels like it's going to break through my ribcage and run away. Varric holds my hand, I assume he's trying to comfort me, and when I nod he lets me go, keeping his attention fully ahead and both hands on Bianca.

In a matter of seconds there is a light at the other side of the room and a shape comes floating our way. Our Barriers are summoned and a Fireball hits just close enough to feel its heat. The undead horde, yes, I consider twenty dead people a horde, pardon me, move in our direction with swords, hammers, shields, maces, greatswords and bows in rotting hands. The Arcane Horror floats behind them like it owns the place. Well, it pretty much did until we arrived.

The next thing I know is me casting Veil Strike to push the undead to the ground followed by a Pillar, Chain Lightning from Solas and Fireballs from Dorian. Varric shoots several bolts at them and tosses some grenades. After this combined strike there were about five undead still struggling to get up, and the Arcane Horror was sending Arcane Bolts our way, followed by Chain Lightning. My Barrier is heavily damaged, and I have to spend time recovering it. I notice Solas recasting Barrier on the others, and Dorian casting more Fireballs on the undead.

Varric manages to kill the last undead standing, and now we have only one enemy to defeat, a very powerful enemy. That thing has a Barrier of its own, and it can teleport around. It sends powerful magic away at us. This will be hard. Cassandra and Blackwall move ahead to try and flank it, without much success, because it teleports away. Thankfully Energy Barrage follows the target, and Solas manages to get around two shots through its Barrier. How do I know this? Because every time the spell hits the Barrier it creates a ripple. No ripple equals successful hit.

Cole re-appears to strike at the back of the demon, if it can be considered a demon since it's a mage's corpse possessed by a powerful demon, well, it's an undead after all, anyway, Cole re-appears just in time to land a successful hit on it. Too bad it's a strong undead, and that isn't enough to kill it, or destroy it since it's already dead, well, the body is dead, the demon is alive... well, you get the point.

Cassandra and Blackwall would be stuck moving around if the Horror had its way, because whenever they got close it teleported, so they change tactics. The room thankfully isn't that big, so it has choke points. Cole and the warriors then move to strategic places that would reduce the places the enemy could teleport to, while we, the ranged units, hit it with everything we could, making sure to always have the damn creature's Barrier down. Whenever it was down, Cole could teleport to hit it.

It was slow, but effective. I assume it took us about thirty minutes to get rid of it. And I have to say, fighting while coughing and sneezing isn't easy  **at all** . Not to mention every sneeze meant more blood coming out of me. My nose burns from the mold, my chest hurts from the effort, I can't wait to get out of this place.

They move the bodies away to another place so they could be burned while Cassandra and I take a look at the room. It seems to be a mess hall of sorts, with three doors leading out. One leads to a corridor with many doors, the other leads to an office and the other leads to another staircase. We go investigate the office.

We find letters from Wardens; the most recent ones describing the Calling among Wardens in Ferelden and Orlais. The last one they received was from the Warden-Commander of Orlais, Clarel. The content was a little upsetting to read, since it clearly was a suspicious thing for anybody with brain. It said they had found someone that could help with the issue, a Tevinter mage who could lead them to the Old Gods so there wouldn't be any more Blights or Calling to threaten their lives. The only price would be blood magic.

"So I assume there was a rift between them about the use of blood magic." I say, more as a question than anything. Nothing here after all suggested they would need to sacrifice themselves.

"Either that or they thought venturing into the Deep Roads would be too high a risk." Cassandra says.

"Any other place we could continue investigating in Ferelden?"

"There is Vigil's Keep. The Hero of Ferelden was given the place after the Blight to rebuild the Wardens in Ferelden."

"Is it far?"

"About two days from here."

"Well... let's take a look at the rest of the place, try to fix this Veil and move out. I'm not sure I want to sleep here."

"I couldn't agree more."

We continue looking in the office but we don't find anything that could add to what we already found, when the others come back we let them see the letters and then check the corridor with doors. The doors lead to bedrooms and the armory. I find a set of armored footwraps to replace my normal ones, so that's good, even though they aren't so beautiful as the ones Lana made me. Varric gets more bolts and grenades, Blackwall finds a nice set of armor and Dorian decides he's taking a staff. Solas only decides to get a better bag.

After we're done collecting stuff we could use, we head down the staircase. The place is weirdly familiar: a room with an eluvian at a corner, and I'm sure there were summoning circles there at some point, when the Hero of Ferelden fixed this keep. There are no demons around at least. "An eluvian." I say. "I wonder if the Wardens used it."

"Desperate people would use anything." Varric says.

I'm glad to see it's not broken, so we might use it in the future. As creepy as this place is. Or maybe we could move the eluvian somewhere else... I doubt someone would miss it. Specially after this whole mess. I hope Solas can get people to take it away, because I can't. Not without raising too many questions.

We look around, but don't find anything. The good thing is that the place isn't covered in blood neither mold. We open the door to find a laboratory. There is an alchemy bench at some corner, books on shelves, many papers on a desk and some other stuff I got no idea what they could be used for. Solas goes look at the alchemy supplies, Dorian goes look at the books and me and Cassandra go look at the papers on the desk. I find a journal. Oddly enough, because I can't imagine someone would simply forget this here, it is Avernus' journal. Wouldn't it be too valuable to be left behind? Well... guess they have other priorities.

The journal is confusing to understand, and there is just too many things in there, I don't have time to go through it now. We decide to take it with us. Solas gets the ingredients that could still be used and finds some potions, unfortunately no ingredient which could help me with that problem. Dorian finds what he calls interesting books about magic, alchemy and darkspawn and we also take them with us. Cassandra shows me letters from Warden-Commander of Ferelden asking reports on Avernus' experiments, and I find out who is the Hero of Ferelden: Solona Amell. I wonder what happened to Lyna and Alistair. Without reading the journal I guess we won't know what the mage found with his experiments, but that will have to wait.

Varric finds some money stashed away and Blackwall seems to be too dazed by everything that happened so far, but he helped us search through the place and when we're almost calling the search complete he finds an amulet, an eery one at that.

"I could be mistaken, but I believe that is blood." Solas says and Dorian approaches Blackwall to take a closer look at the pendant.

"I don't think you're mistaken, Solas. But I wonder whose blood that is." Dorian says and I wonder if it's that amulet the Wardens collect at their joining.

"It is not a phylactery but I believe we could find out who it belongs to, if the person is still alive." Cassandra says.

"Wouldn't that be blood magic?" I ask.

"Of course not." Cassandra says, defensively and I shrug. That is blood magic, dear Cassandra.

"Well, let's take that with us too." I say and move to go out of the room. "Can we fix the Veil here?"

"I know a spell," Solas says, "but it would take time, and I do not possess the power required."

"Can we give it to you like the mages did for me with the Breach?" I ask.

"You could, however, considering there are only two of you, it would drain us afterwards."

"But we can't just leave it like this, can we? The area is unstable, it could turn ugly fast if anything triggered a reaction here."

"You are right, Enasa. How do you feel? And Dorian, do you agree with this?" The mage shrugs.

"Can't let demons wandering the place again, can we? Of course I'll lend you my power." Dorian says.

"Aside from being sleepy, and in pain, I'm fine. I can help you with this."

"Are you sure it's safe, Solas?" Cassandra asks.

"Of course, Cassandra. I would not risk this if it was not."

"Alright, let's do this so we can get out of here. This place creeps me out." I say and Varric agrees as if he was waiting for this opportunity in ages.

We go out to the room where we fought the Arcane Horror and Solas starts the ritual. I already knew how to give him my power so that's easy, and he guides Dorian like he did back when we closed the Breach. I can feel the energy building around us, but instead of flowing through me like it did back in Haven, now it leaves my body, and at a much increased rate than when I gave him my power by mistake when training healing. The thing is intense, and I find myself half conscious through it all, it's weird, as if I'm on the edge of falling asleep. I don't know how long it takes, but eventually he stops taking my energy, and I find myself fully conscious again. The good thing is that I can feel the Veil stronger now, the bad thing is that I'm much more sleepy than before, and the creepy feeling didn't go away with strengthening the Veil. So it was not a Veil thing... I wonder what is still affecting this place... well... maybe it's that too many fucked up things happened here. There are probably many demons on the other side of the Veil trying to pass through and that's what's causing the eery atmosphere. Can't be sure, though.

"How are you feeling?" Solas asks me. I take a deep breath.

"Sleepy." I say with a half smile. "Let's get out of here and find a nice place to sleep." I start moving but I can't walk straight, I'm too tired. Solas supports me the entire way out. It's still dark outside and I see Sera and Bull sitting lazily beside the mounts.

"What happened?" Sera asks as she sees us coming out of the building. The way she asks makes me think I look awful.

"Shit happened." Varric says. "I'm starting to think Grey Wardens don't know what they're doing, Buttercup." I can't help a snicker. You know, I used to think Grey Wardens were great people, specially since we got into the world of Dragon Age with a Warden, trying to save the world... but as things are revealed... god... they are just stumbling around trying to do something they don't even understand and recruiting people desperately, which eventually gets them bad people in... of course that wouldn't end up well.

"Let's just get out of here and we tell you what happened." I say and they help me up on the horse.


	88. Chapter 88

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amaranthine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Another one! I'm almost catching up!  
> I hope you like this :3

On the road to a calm place to make camp we explain to Bull and Sera what happened in the keep, and they are just as confused as we are. I'm really sleepy and I have trouble keeping up with the conversation, though. If I could I would sleep on the horse. We get to a place that should be safe enough and I'm even more pissed off about period because I can't just fall on the bedroll, I have to clean myself first. Solas offers to help but I'm too embarrassed to let him. When I'm done I fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes.

They wake me up when it's about noon, and I'm still tired; and now annoyed because I didn't go to the Fade. Cassandra says we can stop at Amaranthine before heading out to Vigil's Keep, and that sounds like a great idea to me. Specially if it would involve a bed, and a bath, and nice food of course. Amaranthine should have fresh fish... hmmm. I want some. I wonder if they have shrimps there.

 

The way there is long, and boring. They talk about what could be going on with the Wardens, if that Tevinter person could be working for Corypheus, where they could have gone to. The consensus seems to be Orlais, because they were communicating with the Wardens from there before everything went to shit. Cramps come and go, the pain on my leg is becoming worse and I'm really sleepy. I can't wait to arrive at the city but it seems it's going to take a while.

It's already night when we enter Amaranthine, and from the looks of it, there is no sign of dakspawn having attacked it in the past. Points to whoever worked reconstruction here. The city is beautiful, the streets are paved with stones and the posts by the side of the streets light everything very well. There are guards patrolling and I wonder how difficult it might be for thieves to "work" here.

We go to an inn and we'll have to share rooms. It ends up being Bull, Blackwall and Varric in one, Sera, Cassandra and me in another and Solas and Dorian in another. If Cole wanted to sleep he would be with the mages, but he disappeared as soon as we split. It sucks when I realize I can't have a bath unless I don't mind bathing in my own blood... so I clean myself at the basin. I fucking  **hate** period!

When we're done cleaning ourselves we go downstairs for dinner, and I'm really happy to see they have shrimps and a lot of fish. I tell Varric to remind me of buying dried shrimp and fish at the market tomorrow but he says he'll take care of it for me. Adorable Varric. I eat much more than I usually would, but god, this is so  **good** .

"Can we get fish and shrimps at Skyhold?" I end up asking and they laugh.

"Seeing how ya eat those it'd be good to get some meat on your bones." Sera says.

"Yeah, Boss. Don't think I've ever seen you eat so much." Bull says, then drinks some of his extremely smelly alcohol.

"I love seafood." I say with a shrug.

"It might be expensive to get it over to Skyhold, though." Cassandra finally says.

"Can't we get a noble to donate it for the well-being of the Herald?" I ask with a smirk.

"Now you want to deal with nobles?" Dorian asks.

"We already deal with them, I mean, Josephine does, and if we have to deal with them they might as well do something for me."

"I will let her know when we can send off a message." Cassandra says. "I believe you would forget to do it yourself."

"Aw you noticed it? Thank you, Cassandra." I chuckle. "God I'm sleepy... I'm going to bed guys... Solas I'm going to miss you tonight, you're an awesome pillow."

"I thought you didn't like sleeping with a pillow?" Varric asks.

"I don't, but he's a great pillow." I chuckle and stand up. "Good night."

"Is that all you do, Chuckles? You're her pillow?" I hear Varric asking as I walk towards the stairs.

"Is it not what she said?" Solas calmly answers and I hear Varric complaining.

I clean my teeth and fall on the bed, going straight to the Fade this time. Guess my body recovered enough at camp. Since Solas would probably take a while to show up tonight, sleeping in another room and all, not to mention he was still eating, I decide to catch up on my reading.

Seeing darkspawn in the book isn't as awful as before, considering I saw it myself a few days ago, but it's still a bad thing to see. When the Wardens finally get down to that crazy woman Branka my disgust for her is only stronger than what I already felt in the game. The things she did are just so beyond wrong that I don't have words. I'm glad the Wardens side with Caridin. I notice Shale isn't present, and I wonder if they'll ever recruit her, or if she even exists. Considering every character I've known from the game actually exists so far I suppose she does as well.

I still don't know what happens in Orzammar, because Solas comes to see me, and I take the opportunity to ask him about the eluvian. He agrees that it should be under our control, and says he'll get someone to collect it. We go to the library once again to study some more, but he doesn't stay until it's time to wake up, he goes off to meet with his agents to talk about the eluvian and some other matters. I go back to my beach to read some more of that book, and find out the Wardens chose Bhelen for the throne.

 

Cassandra wakes me up for breakfast and I go check on myself before going downstairs. We get fruits for breakfast and something that looks suspiciously like pancakes. Yummy. I'm really enjoying this place.

"We should hire their cook, you know. I really like the food here." I end up saying.

"If that would get you to eat, then I suppose we should." Cassandra says.

After breakfast we split to check around the city. Sera goes off to check on the Red Jennies and Varric on his contacts and merchants and to see about the seafood for me. Cassandra, Solas, Dorian and I go check on several places. I'm not really sure where Bull and Blackwall go off to, but it sounded like it was related to fighting. I wonder if there's an arena here or something. Cole still hasn't shown up.

We stop at the stalls on the market square at first, but nothing catches my eyes. That is until I see the fruit stall. Fruits, oh sweet fruits. They have mangoes, peaches, pears, apples and oranges. Is it expensive? Yes it is, but hell... I want some! We have money anyway. Mangoes... oh mangoes... I don't even remember the last time I ate some. I wish there were pineapples here too, but I don't suppose Ferelden has a favorable weather. I'm not even sure these are from Ferelden, maybe they crossed from the Free Marches or maybe further north? I buy five mangoes for myself and six peaches, along with five oranges. I don't really pay attention to how many or what the others buy, because I'm too focused on my own fruits. Can't wait to wash them so I can eat them! Oooh! They comment on how much I seem to like fruit and hell, I  **love** fruits!

Continuing our exploration of the city, we go to a clothing shop, and unfortunately they don't sell footwraps. They tell us to head to the alienage. I hate how they segregate elves from the others. Stupid people. I buy more underwear, though. Dorian is shocked with the available options, saying at every turn how Tevinter clothes are superior. I can only say that his clothes are very nice, but I can't say the same about the other people from Tevinter I've encountered. Alexius had awful clothes, as do the mercenaries.

Next stop is the apothecary, but we don't get anything there. We still have hygiene stuff and the potions and ingredients they have aren't really useful for us. There are still two more places we need to check, and those are the bookshop and the clothing shop in the alienage.

The bookshop is interesting, though. I decide to buy Varric's books so I can finally see his works, and Cassandra also suggests some of her favourites when we are far from the men's ears. I bet Solas could still hear her, though. Not that he would say anything. Solas gets some alchemy books and a book that seemed to be banned for some time, but after the Circles fell it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I wonder what kind of thing is in there. Dorian doesn't seem to be interested in anything, but when he sees the ones suggested by Cassandra in my arms he asks me to let him borrow them later. I agree.

 

The alienage is a terrible place. It doesn't seem to exist a nice alienage anywhere. I wonder if it's because the conditions forced on the elves just don't allow them to live better or if people come and make it hard for them despite what they already live through regularly. I really hope we can help change this in the future. It sucks, though, that as much as people have prejudice against the elves, they also have prejudice against humans, and I'm a human. Apparently word hasn't gone out that I'm working for their interests yet, so they don't really like having us around. I ask Solas to try and be diplomatic in our behalf, and when he leaves us to browse the footwraps and other elven items I hope he went away to get some people on his side too.

They do have such beautiful and delicate things in there, whoever made them is really talented, and I ask the vendor about it. The woman is taken aback by my interest, and says his son is the one who made the pieces. I ask her to let him know the Inquisitor is very interested in his work, and would like to hire him, if he is interested, and that she also could come to Skyhold if she wanted. Actually, the whole family could, there would be work for them there if they wanted to join us. I might not have time or opportunity to wear nice things, but these are so adorable. They deserve to be sold in a place where more people would have access to them, here in the alienage they surely wouldn't.

My legs are fuller than an elf's even in my current weight, but the footwraps I choose still fit well enough. The set is armored, but still has embroidery. It's such a fine thing. I'm in love with it. The woman finally asks me about my hat, and I was already finding it pretty weird that nobody mentioned it anymore. I tell her it's because I love fennecs and since we had to kill some of them in the past a friend had this made for me, so I wouldn't feel too bad about their deaths. She says it's a nice sentiment, and that it might just be nice enough to work for the Inquisition. I take the opportunity to tell her that I aim to make life for the elves better, and give her a note, proving that I invited them to work for the Inquisition personally in case they end up agreeing to it.

Solas returns and we go back to the inn, he says his walk around the alienage was very enlightening and that some people should be interested in joining us. I wonder if by us he means the Inquisition or our elven army, but I guess it would probably end up being both in the end. He also says the footwrap is a work of art. I can't wait to wear them with my armor! I also bought a necklace with a halla head, so cute.

When we're back at the inn we see the others sitting around the table drinking. I think it's too early to drink, but that's not my liver... They look at us and the many stuff that we bought and comment on how productive it was. Varric shows me a package in front of him on the table and tells me it's dried fish and shrimp, and says the merchant will ship to Skyhold once a month. Yay! What he got should be enough for our travel, and I'm happy that our meals just got better!

We have lunch, talking about what we did around the place, Bull and Blackwall say they were checking the local underground fighting but couldn't join because it's in three days. I just shake my head thinking a big wtf. We already fight a lot and they want to fight more... oh well. After lunch we collect our stuff, get the mounts at the stables -and the stable boy was in awe for seeing harts for the first time- and we leave for Vigil's Keep.

 

The way there is easy for the most part, we follow the road, and it's well maintained. We have to move out of the road to close a rift though, but thankfully it's not a difficult one. I end up singing a song that keeps bugging my mind to be sung: "We're no strangers to love... you know the rules... and so do I... a full commitment's what I'm thinking of... you wouldn't get this from... any other guy. I... just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, gotta make you... understand. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

"We've known each other... for so long. You're heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it. Inside we both know what's been going on. We know the game and we're... gonna play it. And... if you ask me how I'm feeling... don't tell me you're too... blind to see. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

"Where do you get those songs?" Dorian asks as if he was going to start laughing.

"You know, I've heard people sing and I liked them and I sometimes remember them."

"Don't get me wrong, it's a nice song, but we're in the middle of nowhere, fighting demons at every turn and suddenly you start professing your love." He continues.

"Well, it's never a bad time to say you love the person you love, is it? But this one just popped in my head and was annoying me to be sung so... I sang it."

"Just like that?" Bull asks.

"Mhm, just like that. My mind sometimes just tosses thoughts at me, and sometimes it tosses songs too."

"Got another one? I could do with another one." Varric says.

"Hmm." I think for a while and then another one comes to me. "Yeah... I got another one: To really... love a woman... to understand her... you gotta know her deep inside. Hear every thought... see every dream... and give her wings when she wants to fly... and when you find yourself lying helpless... in her arms... you know you really love a woman. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's really wanted. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's the one. ‘Cause she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever... so tell me have you ever really... really really ever loved a woman."

"To really... love a woman... you let her hold ya... until you know how she needs to be touched. You gotta breathe her... and really taste her... 'till you can feel her... in your blood. And when you can see your unborn children... in her eyes... you know you really love a woman. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's really wanted. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's the one. Cause she needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together... so tell me have you ever really... really really ever loved a woman. You got to give her some faith... hold her tight... a little tenderness... you gotta treat her right... she will be there for you taking good care of you... you really gotta love your woman."

"Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms... you know you really love a woman. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's really wanted. When you love a woman... you tell her that she's the one. Cause she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever... so tell me have you ever really... really really ever loved a woman. Just tell me have you ever really... really really ever loved a woman. Just tell me have you ever really... really really ever loved a woman."

"Wow Grace... hey Solas, have you ever really loved a woman?" Dorian asks.

"Yes." Solas says.

"That better be our Crystal. And you better do all that she said in that song." Varric says and I laugh.

"Come on Varric, there's no need for this." He already cherishes me after all.

"I hope I can find a man that can do all that." Cassandra says.

"And I a woman!" Sera adds and I laugh.

"Men need some love too you know." Dorian says as a kicked dog.

"Oh I'm sure you'll all find love." I say. "And I could ask Love to help you all if you'd like. I'm sure she would like to play matchmaker."

"Oh I'm not sure I want spirits involved, Grace. But I appreciate the thought." Cassandra says.

"I don't mind the help!" Dorian says.

"I don't want demons in my business." Sera adds, with that disgusted tone that she uses whenever she talks about something she hates.

"Well, when I next see her I'll try to remember to ask her to help you, Dorian."

"I'll pray that you remember."

And we continue on the way talking about past love experiences, and Varric is quiet about his life, but not when he wants to know about others. We arrive at the Keep by nightfall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley  
> Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman - Bryan Adams


	89. Chapter 89

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vigil's Keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I'm finally up to date! Yay! I hope you like this chapter :)  
> Thank you for kudos and comments! They make me really happy! <3

It's nice to see that the Veil isn't torn here. It's also nice to see some signs of life. We approach and a guard shouts for us to halt. We do.

"We are the Inquisition." Cassandra says, beside me on her horse. "She's the Inquisitor. We're investigating the disappearance of the Grey Wardens."

"But the Wardens haven't disappeared." The guard says. "They have traveled to join their brothers and sisters in Orlais." She looks at me with a confused face, and I'm just as confused. Leliana had said they had no news of the Wardens anywhere.

"Would it be a problem for us to discuss this inside?" Cassandra asks.

"Of course, I'm sorry. Please follow me." The guard then leads us to the stables and knocks on the door of the small house on the back. As we come off the mounts the door opens and a fat old woman greets the man. "Evening, Joan. We have surprise guests and their mounts will require attention." She nods and calls for someone inside as the guard comes back to us. "They'll take care of your mounts. Follow me, I'll take you to the  Seneschal." I notice Blackwall is a bit restless, maybe hoping people wouldn't not-recognize him.

The place isn't as big as Soldier's Peak, but it's still a large building. There are many smaller buildings around too. Some people in simple clothes that I assume are servants walk about carrying stuff or running and I wonder how busy the place is without Grey Wardens. The guard leads us into the bigger building and then rings a bell near the door. The hall is large, with many columns and a few benches. It sort of reminds me of what it looked like in the game. A couple of minutes later an old man enters from a door on the other side of the hall and the guard approaches him.

"Evening, ser Garevel." The guard says. "They say they are the Inquisition, with the Inquisitor, and that they're investigating the Wardens." The old man then approaches us.

"Greetings, Inquisition. My name is Garevel, I'm the Seneschal of Vigil's Keep. May I know why you're investigating the Wardens?"

"We had reasons to believe they disappeared, but your man said they traveled to Orlais?" I say. The man looks at me then, the way someone would look a child trying to speak in place of their parents, then looks at Cassandra.

"Perhaps we should speak in a private place, Inquisitor?" He asks Cassandra and I can't help a chuckle. He looks horrified at me and Dorian does a tsc tsc. Varric coughs.

"I guess news didn't travel over here." Bull says.

"It would seem that way, Tiny.  **That** , ser Seneschal, is the Right Hand of the Divine, Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast.  **This** ," he motions at me, "is the Inquisitor."

"Oh. Forgive me." The man says, clearly uncomfortable. "Well, the offer stands."

"Yeah, sure. Lead the way. Who would like in the conversation?" I look at my companions and they look to each other.

"I'm in." Bull says.

"I'll pass." Dorian says.

"Yeah, I'll stay over here, maybe take a nap on one of these benches." Sera says.

"I'd like to hear what he got to say, if you don't mind." Varric says.

"As would I." Solas says. Cole is gone and I look at Blackwall, that seems conflicted.

"I... would want to join you, Inquisitor."

"Well, then let's go." I motion for the man to move and Cassandra and the others who wanted to join us follow me. He takes us to an office with many books on bookshelves and a fireplace. Cozy.

The Seneschal sits down and asks me to sit on the chair on the other side of the desk but I've been on horseback for hours, I prefer to stand, at least until I'm lightheaded. The others stay behind me, except for Cassandra who is beside me, as always.

"What led you to believe the Wardens disappeared?" He asks.

"The fact nobody saw them anywhere for months?" I ask as answer.

"You say they haven't, so you know what happened." Cassandra adds. "What happened?"

"I'm afraid the details are Grey Warden's business, but they haven't disappeared, only left for Orlais, as they sometimes do for Weisshaupt." The man insists.

"Do you know what happened in Soldier's Peak, Seneschal?" I ask and he looks like all blood vanished from his face. Alright, he knows.

"Why do you ask?"

"We've been there recently, and found a most troubling situation." I begin, then pace around to get my blood flowing before I become lightheaded too soon. "There was blood everywhere, clear signs of battle. Then as we investigated the place, we found out they attacked each other. Do you know what could trigger infighting?"

"Again, I would say this is Grey Warden's business, I'm afraid I can't say anything."

"You know that right now we're the most powerful organization in Thedas, right? We are formed by the very power of the Divine."

"And the Grey Wardens don't answer to anyone." Bold.

"And  **that** I think is a mistake, to be honest. People can do many wrongs when they are free to do whatever they like." Just like us... good thing I'm not a power-hungry mad-woman.

"The Grey Wardens' only interest is to destroy the darkspawn."

"Yeah sure, but at what cost?" He looks at me weird. "You see, we found demons in that keep." He is alarmed then. "Undead. The Veil was really thin, it was a mess. All that killing did much damage not only for the lives lost. We could help the Wardens with whatever they're going through, you know. If you tell us where they were, where they are, what they plan on doing. We found diaries of Wardens hearing the Calling when they shouldn't be." The man runs a hand over his face and sighs.

"I tell you this because I want to help them, but I really shouldn't. I just think we've already lost too many Wardens in the past, we can't continue to lose more."

"Of course. What do you know?" I ask.

"Some months ago, it's hard to say when exactly, some Wardens started hearing the Calling, and it only got worse. As letters traveled around we found out it was happening to Wardens everywhere. They moved to meet at Soldier's Peak, because it was an isolated place, built for the Wardens and had easy access for them. I only received a message from them three months ago, saying they were moving to Orlais, then a month ago when they informed me some Wardens would stop by."

"Where are these Wardens now?" Cassandra asks.

"They left here around two weeks ago. They are searching for some Wardens that have deserted. One doesn't desert the Wardens. You join for life."

"Right." I say, thinking. There's definitely more there but he may not know everything. "Is the Warden-Commander of Ferelden involved in any way?"

"No. She's been off to Weisshaupt for over five months. I think they even went to Orlais because of Clarel's command."

"Do you know what they plan on doing about this Calling?" I ask. The man shakes his head.

"No. I only take care of the Keep and their messages, sometimes I hear things. I'm not a Grey Warden, I don't know what they do, I only obey their orders."

"Alright." I say, looking around by reflex. "Is there any letter around that could enlighten us on what's going on?"

"I don't think so. They don't usually leave the messages they receive around."

"Any other way you could help us with this?" Cassandra asks.

"You're welcome to spend the night. And to join us for dinner. But I'm afraid that's all I can say about the Wardens."

"Well... a safe place to sleep is nice." Bull says and I wonder how safe he considers this place to actually be.

We walk back to the hall and Sera is indeed laying on a bench, but she's playing with a dagger. Dorian is sitting on another bench and seems extremely bored. They see us and stand up. As we approach they give me confused looks at my shrug.

"Nothing?" Dorian asks.

"Some information, but all in all, nothing really useful." I say.

"We got a place to sleep Sparkler, so that's good."

"Yeah... yeah... where?"

"We're spending the night here." Cassandra says. "And dinner too."

"Oh, that's... good." I bet he's thinking how Fereldan beds are awful and that food in this place doesn't seem to be great stuff.

"Don't mind our Tevinter friend," Varric says to the Seneschal. "He is too picky, but he's nice. Now... you have ale, don't you?" The man actually chuckles.

"Yes, come this way. Dinner should be ready soon."

He leads us to a large room with many tables and I wonder how many Wardens would be in this place if Corypheus hadn't taken them away. There must have been a lot of recruiting in the past years. We all sit around one table and start talking random things to pass time while the man goes away saying he'll talk to the cook. The food is good, and Bull discreetly says it's not poisoned. It's a bit hard to trust anything related to Grey Wardens at the moment. The Seneschal joins us and tells us about the history of the place at Solas' request. The bloody history of the place.

When we're done he leads us to our rooms, we decide to share so we don't take too much space in the keep, causing less trouble for people. I'll share with Solas, Cassandra with Sera, Bull with Dorian and Varric with Blackwall. Cole shows up when we're deciding on the pairs to let us know he'll be with a cat in the barn, she's having kittens tonight. I want to see the babies in the morning. I hope they all make it. I had a cat once that lost two kittens, only two made it.

While I'm still going through my routine I notice Solas is casting wards around. Guess I'm not the only suspicious person here. We lay down and I really missed being this close to him in the last days. I take a deep breath, inhaling his amazing scent. "I missed you in my bed." He chuckles.

"So did I,  _ my heart _ ." He says and kisses my forehead. "Do you want to see the memories in this place?" My eyes go wide.

"No... hell no." He raises his eyebrows. "I already know part of what happens here from my past experience, listening to the Seneschal talking about it was like watching it all happen again, even if I what I saw wasn't the real thing. I don't want to watch it all happen for real." I take my hand from his chest to caress his cheek. "You're free to explore it, though. I'll probably see part of it when I reach that point in the book anyway... and I bet it won't be pleasant."

"I understand. How is your reading?"

"Enlightening. Sometimes disturbing. I think I'm halfway through the story I know, and what  **really** happened is a bit different than what could be possible in the game."

"What do you mean?"

"There were many Wardens in the beginning for one, and there are two possible Heroes so far, now I know Solona is the Warden-Commander and I wonder what happened to Lyna and Alistair. Lyna isn't a Circle mage, though. She's Dalish. Or was... don't know if she's even alive."

"It is curious the way you speak of them as if you were intimate with them."

"Well... I played many times, Alistair was always there, in some way I kind of know him. And Lyna is an elf, I'm always an elf... so I kind of cheer for her. Solona though, well... I was never a human mage, but Lyna was a Circle mage the times I played."

"You are a human mage now."

"Because I couldn't change my body to elf when it came to real life." I chuckle. "Say... Solas... if I could have changed my body to an elf, when the Veil was lifted would I become immortal?"

"I cannot say. When I created it I did not know it would take away the immortality of my people. Considering it did not happen overnight I also believe it would not happen overnight for the elves of today to become immortal."

"I see." I hope it's fast at least... I hope he'll have company in his life.

"Is something wrong?" He runs his hand through my hair.

"No... just..." I sigh. "I hope you find someone who can be with you forever." Dying alone is definitely something I don't want for you.

"Do not think about such things,  _ my heart _ ."

"It's hard not to think about it, you know? I want you happy, Solas. I know you aren't happy alone. And I won't be-" He shuts me up with a kiss and pulls me over him, hugging me tight. How can I resist this? After long minutes of kissing he lets me go to caress my cheek, and the way he looks at me is so intense.

"It is too bad I cannot make love to you tonight. To show you how I want nobody else than you. Do not keep reminding me that you will not be with me forever, and do not think that you are so easily replaced. Honestly, I do not think anyone could ever replace you, Enasa." It's suddenly so hard to breathe, my chest is so tight and so hot. I hug him tight.

"I'm sorry, Solas. It's just... I love you so much and-"

"Shh. Enough of this." He says softly to my ear. "There is no point in thinking about this. Let us enjoy ourselves in this moment, while we can."

"Yes... sorry. You're right." I kiss his neck then, which ends up making him turn me again, but this time I'm below him. I caress his cheek while he looks at me so intensely. "I love seeing you there." He shakes his head with a smirk and then kisses me. We don't indulge ourselves in the desire that I feel flowing from me to him and from him to me because of the place we're in, so our kiss and caresses don't last long, otherwise we would be two desperate people unable to do anything. Eventually he lays beside me and we cuddle chest to chest to sleep. We give a last goodnight kiss and I go to the Fade.


	90. Chapter 90

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wending Wood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Here is today's chapter, up to date :)  
> I hope you like it! <3  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments!

I protect my beach, greet the wisps, and notice the ones who are changing have even stronger energies now. They seem to be missing me since lately I'm usually away studying with Solas. After spending some time with them I go inside to get the book and sit back on the couch to enjoy the breeze while I read. Some wisps approach me and stay close throughout the entire time.

After the Wardens leave Orzammar they go to Denerim to find more about the Urn of Sacred Ashes, but find the merchant selling a rod to control a golem. Lyna and Solona are very interested in it and they go to the village where they find Shale. Everything goes pretty much like the game goes. I like Shale, she is a fun character, and it's too bad she won't see Caridin to learn from the man himself how she was created. With the golem added to the group they continue their way to Denerim, and after finding out what happened to Genitivi's assistant they decide to stop by the Dalish before going back to the Frostback Mountains.

Their encounters with darkspawn happen more often and I imagine that means the horde is getting closer. Lyna and Zevran begin a romance and Alistair's behavior is better, but it's clear that he is still hurting. Solona often writes stuff in her journal, sometimes letters that she doesn't let anyone see. All in all, their relationship with everyone in the group is good, even Sten gets along well with everyone.

I don't have enough time to find out who the Wardens side with, because I have to wake up when they get to the Dalish camp. It's sufficient to know the place is a sad mess, though. Solas wakes me up with kisses, the sweet man. "Hmm. You should wake me up like that more often." I say and he smirks, kissing me again. "If only we had the day for ourselves." I sigh and sit up, he hugs me from behind.

"That day will come." He kisses my shoulder. "Do you know where to go next?"

"Not really... we're close to Denerim, maybe we could go visit the alienage there... I bet Josephine would like us to meet with the Queen, though. I'm not fond of Anora." I sigh. "I wonder what happened to Alistair... he didn't want to be King but he's nicer."

"Perhaps you could send Cassandra to talk to her on your behalf."

"She would hate me for it." I chuckle. "Well... let's get ready and move on." I turn to kiss him then I stand up to go through my routine in the private section of the bedroom.

In the corridor I end up meeting with Cassandra, and she tells me the others are already by the stables. We should leave early and eat while on the horses so we can continue. "Well, sure. I didn't want to linger here anyway. But let me see the kittens first."

The kittens are adorable, but I don't get too close so I don't risk making the mother abandon them. I miss my cats. On the way out I thank the Seneschal for the hospitality and for the information, and we get back on the road. I eat two peaches for breakfast and keep the seeds. Maybe we can plant them in Skyhold. "I think we should stop at Denerim, see how things are over there."

"I don't think there should be any lead on the Grey Wardens there, though." Varric says.

"Yeah... I don't think so either. But we could still get people for the Inquisition there. We're close, anyway."

"There is a scout's camp nearby." Cassandra says. "We should stop by, update ourselves on the situation of the region and send off reports."

"Yeah, let's do that."

 

We arrive at the scout's camp by noon, me having eaten another peach and we all having listened to Bull and Dorian complaining about their night together. The scout reports to us about rifts in the region. Thankfully as far as they could check there were no other threats. Cassandra sends off our report to Skyhold, updating them on the news and on our next destination. Solas checks on my leg, and surprisingly enough, it is almost healed. Weird. It was really ugly a few days ago.

After we have lunch, we decide to clear the rifts on the way to Denerim, which would lead us around places the Wardens have gone to in Awakening. I feel weird about this. As we move around the hills we come about two small rifts before Cassandra informs us we're venturing into the Wending Wood.

Considering it's already getting late, we decide to find a place to camp before it gets dark. The area makes me feel a bit uneasy, and I wonder if I would feel like this everywhere darkspawn had been to. We find a nice stream and to my surprise, Sylvans. Thankfully these aren't immediately hostile. I greet the two I see before me and they say they are surprised to see a human talking to them instead of attacking. They were going to pretend to be trees, but sensed a different energy in me and in their curiosity allowed me to notice them.

We talk while I bathe, and after I'm done I tell them that I have a very good friend that might like to talk to them too; and I tell Solas, who is curious about what the Sylvan could tell him. Dorian is curious about the creatures, not having seen them before and says he'll try talking to them later. Cassandra is afraid and thinks it's better to be safe and not to stay around them. Sera wants to burn them and Bull is suspicious. Varric says he prefers when trees don't move, but wouldn't mind them as long as they kept to themselves. Cole says the trees have been lonely, and are happy to see people willing to talk to them.

Our dinner uses some of the dried fish in the soup and while we eat I get one of Varric's books to read. I start with the Tales of the Champion and ask him to autograph it for me.

 

I sleep happier, both for the delicious food and because the period seems to be near the end. And of course, I have Solas beside me. He once again goes exploring the place's bloody history while I stick to the Hero's book. And it gets me thinking: the book says Lyna is the Hero of Ferelden, but that Grey Warden letter says the Grey Warden-Commander is Solona. Could the Hero and the Warden-Commander  **not** be the same person after all? That is the only thing that makes sense unless the book is lying, which I doubt, or Lyna dies at the end.

Their time with the Dalish is short, being easy to go around the forest hunting werewolves. The Great Oak is even more adorable than in the game, and I thought that couldn't be possible. Wynne finds her old student and makes peace with her past. In the end the Wardens decide to side with the elves, killing Witherfang and the werewolves. On their way to Haven they stop by Flemeth's to get the book for Morrigan, deciding for the deal instead of fighting the woman. They also stop at Redcliffe to get the sword from the mercenary back to Sten. The cultists in Haven are really crazy people, but I can't continue reading because it's time to wake up.

This time Solas wakes me up with kisses on my body. I swear this man is trying to drive me crazy. At least we're not in a rush today. "Hmm. If this becomes a habit I'm going to become spoiled." I say while running my hands over his back. He is kissing my neck and rubbing my waist.

"That is a good kind of spoiled." He says while nibbling at my earlobe.

"Can you ward us?" I ask while I scratch him lightly on the back and he hisses.

"Already did." He bites my neck then, and I moan.

"How efficient you are." I take one of my hands to his waist and he pins me down. "Don't you want me to?"

"I do, but I want to kiss you first."

And so he does, kissing and licking and biting me almost everywhere and I wonder what got into him. All that attention makes me extremely horny, and it's awesome that he can use his magic on me while I use my mouth and hand on him. I doubt it's passed ten minutes after we're done when Cassandra calls from outside. "Grace, we should get moving."

"Just five more minutes, Cassandra." I say with a lazy voice.

"You can sleep some other time, let's go. You have to eat before we leave." She insists.

"Yeah yeah... I'll be out soon." Solas captures my lips then. "Now who wants to eat whom, uh?" I ask him with a low voice. He chuckles and nibbles around my jawline.

"Oh if only I could eat you out." He says close to my ear, making me hot.

"Stop this, you're getting me horny again." I say, with a breathy voice that I didn't intend to make.

"Good, because I still want you."

"We need to move." I arch myself against him, god I wish we could stay.

"Unfortunately." He sighs and then gives me a hungry kiss on the lips.

It's hard to let go, but it's necessary. We go outside and we eat while talking about the place. Solas tells them some of what he saw of the area in his dream, and lets me know that there should be an artifact nearby. He says the Hero of Ferelden fought many darkspawn in this place, and that we should be careful of demons. Indeed, the Sylvans we meet during our exploration later aren't nice.

We come across some rifts, but thankfully none are hard to close. I'm feeling better, and I wonder if it's because the period is ending or the food that improved. Probably both. We come by a ruin over a cliff around noon, and the artifact is inside. It makes me feel uneasy when I look ahead on the horizon and see a marsh. Cassandra tells me that's Blackmarsh. Shit. "I don't want to go there. Please tell me we don't have to go there. I hate swamps. I'm going to die if we go there." They look at me with alarmed faces. "It's true guys... that dark water... not knowing where I step could bring me into a puddle or a hole... I don't want to go there."

"Well..." Cassandra says while looking at her map, "the scouts couldn't come over this area because of the previous rifts we already closed. There is a chance there could be rifts over there."

"And there might not be any." I insist.

"It was a haunted place in the past when the Hero of Ferelden passed by." She insists. "From what Solas said, areas with such past are likely to form rifts." I whimper as a kicked dog.

"You guys go ahead then, if you find a rift I'll try to go close it." I say with my hands hiding my face in agony.

"You really fear swamps, uh." Varric says.

"I do."

"So..." Cassandra sighs, "who should go investigate?" I look at them.

"You take... Cole, Dorian, Sera. Oh, Blackwall should go too, there might be Grey Warden stuff there."

"My boots thank you, Crystal."

"And mine hate you." Dorian adds.

"Sorry... a mage should go there." Dorian raises an eyebrow and points at Solas.

"He's a hobo apostate, he is used to walking through that kind of thing, I'm not!"

"Well... I'll take the time here with my lessons, so I need him."

"So unfair."

"If you want to blame someone blame Cassandra who wants to go over there, I would turn around and go to Denerim."

"Me?!" She says, sounding horrified. "I'm simply trying to make the best of this journey and making sure the place is safe!"

"I know Cassandra, I know." I say with a smile. "But it's true though, you're insisting, I'm being afraid and would run away."

"Don't let Corypheus hear you're afraid of swamps, he might use it against you." Varric says, and I think he means it as a joke, but I'm actually afraid of what the Nightmare demon could do with it.

"Yeah... don't even want to think about it."

After we're done eating they leave to explore the swamp and I get the materials to study elvhen from my pack. Solas gives me a smile and motions for me to follow him. We sit by a wall, protected from the view of possible strangers but still in sight of Bull and Varric. It's almost night when Cassandra's group returns, dirty and looking tired. We stop our lesson and go talk to them.

"That place is awful." Dorian says with a whine. Then I feel magic coming from him and he cleans himself. Oh, he uses magic to clean too. "Tomorrow when you go there I beg you not to take me."

"Don't take me either!" Sera says while picking up rotten leaves from her clothes. Did they fall or something?

"When  **I** go there?" I raise an eyebrow and look at Cassandra.

"We found a ruin with that elven mirror. There are also two rifts, one is quite large."

"Oh fuck."

"Yeeeah. Please don't make me go there again." Dorian insists.

"Blackwall, did you find anything on Wardens?"

"No, Inquisitor; I don't suppose they've returned here and whatever was here before was either taken or destroyed by time." I hum in acknowledgment.

"Shit..." I sigh. "Tomorrow will be an awful day."

We decide to make camp where we are and they tell us how their afternoon walk through the swamp was, including the moment when Sera was startled by a vine, thought it was a large snake and stumbled, taking Cassandra and Dorian with her to the murky water. Guess that's payment for that day at the lake. Or not, because she took others with her. That's kinda unfair, fate.

 

After we eat I clean up and go to the tent, but Solas has first watch and I have to fall asleep without him. He says he'll join me to continue the lessons later, and while I wait for him in the Fade I read more about the Hero.

The moment in Haven and the way to the Temple of Sacred Ashes is pretty much like the game. The Temple though, is amazing. I think it's the first time I see the thing, considering it was already destroyed when I arrived. It is huge, and really beautiful. Time has damaged it, god knows how old it is, but its beauty is preserved, and the Dragon sleeps peacefully on the cliff nearby. I'm happy to see they don't kill it, leaving it to continue its nap. The Gauntlet is a tricky thing to watch, though. The moment they cross that wall of fire is really scary. I suppose the spirit feared for their safety too. They collect some of the Ashes and leave the place to meet back with Genitivi.

Solas comes to join me, and after spending some time in the couch he takes me to the library to continue my anatomy training. There is more practice lessons tonight, and he says I'm improving.


	91. Chapter 91

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blackmarsh and getting to Denerim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I'm sorry it's a bit late, but it's here. :)  
> Hope you like the chapter <3

Walking to a swamp... definitely not how I ever expected to start a day. After we have breakfast I take everyone with me, there is no point in letting them behind after all, and Cassandra leads us to the place. They complain, of course. We leave the mounts in a safe place and the further into the marsh we go the worse I feel. I feel like I'm going to be attacked at  **any** second. That the ground is going to split open and drag me in. That I'm going to slip and fall into the dark water and suffocate until I'm dead. That something creepy is going to drag itself out of the murky water and grab me.

The ground is slippery, the air smells bad, there is no decent wind and I just want to turn around and go home. My chest begins to tighten and Solas holds my hand. It makes me feel better, but it's not enough. This place makes me too uneasy, and I want out.

When we finally make it to the rift we dispatch the demons quickly, I close it and we continue. The hard rift is a pain, though. There are Fear and Terrors, some Wraiths and a damn Arcane Horror. I'm surprised there's no other undead. Well, maybe Cassandra and the others killed them yesterday. Killed, destroyed, whatever fits. The fight is ugly, and disgusting. At some point a Terror teleports close to me and sends me flying into a puddle. I can't do anything but to stare at my body and become overwhelmed by the disgust I feel deep inside me. I completely forget about the fight, and start crying.

A hand pulls me up to stand up then, and I look shocked at the owner of the hand: Blackwall. He pulls me to a drier place, making lots of me clack with the movement, at the same time that a Shade slices at the place I've been sitting at. He just saved me. I'm still too affected by what happened to do anything, and Solas catches me and brings me closer to the rift, holding my hand just like he did back when we first closed a rift in Haven. I can't speak, I can barely breathe, I'm in shock.

Eventually I start feeling energy tickling my skin and my mind focus around me. I'm surrounded by everyone and Solas is using the cleaning spell on me. I have to focus so I don't make sounds in front of the others and my eyes gather information on what happened: the demons died, Bull has blood on him and Varric's clothes are ruined. Solas looks at me with a worried face. I can't help hugging him when he's done and he sighs. "You worried me." He says softly into my ear and I hold him tighter.

"Sorry." I can finally let words out. "I panicked."

"First time I see somebody panic because of mud." Bull says.

"Yeah... we're attacked by demons and she panics because some dirt caught on her." Sera says.

"Not even  **I** do that, Grace." Dorian says. "Why did you react like that?"

"I don't know. I was always like this." I look to Cassandra, still in Solas' arms. "Can we leave?"

"We still have to see that ruin, Enasa." Solas says.

"Oh, right." The eluvian. "Let's go."

 

As we walk I try to get my mind anywhere else but where I am, it makes me distracted, I feel like I'm drifting, but it's better than to panic again. When we finally stop at the front of the stone ruin I focus my attention on it. The place is greatly destroyed, but there is a door leading inside. Cassandra guides us in and I summon a mote to light the way. The walls used to have murals on it, right now the only thing indicating it are faded pieces, unrecognizable. I don't feel Veilfire, but the atmosphere feels different than usual. I wonder what could be the reason since it's still different than when the Veil is thin. Solas tells me there is an artifact nearby and we walk through the corridor, avoiding some collapsed areas and enter a partly destroyed room. Among the rubble I see part of the artifact, as if it called for me. I approach and activate it. When I turn around I see the eluvian against the corner of the room. Such a beautiful eluvian, full of intricate carvings around the mirror. Thankfully it seems to be safe, and I wonder where it leads to. "Wish we could move it." I end up saying aloud.

"Why do you like these mirrors anyway?" Blackwall asks.

"They're elfy." Sera says with that disdainful tone.

"They are remnants of powerful magic, and it should be preserved." I say.

"I read about these things," Cassandra says, "and they are usually cursed or attract demons. They are dangerous, Grace."

"Anything can be dangerous if you don't know how to use it, Cassandra." Solas says before I can.

"Well, Daisy has one of these, a lot of shit happened because of it."

"From everything you've told me about it, she was reckless while trying to restore it. And the Dalish didn't have enough knowledge to deal with it either."

"Yeah... well... that's right." Varric says.

"Well... let's get out of this swamp." I say and walk away. Hopefully Solas will get people to take this eluvian from here.

 

We move as fast as we can without getting into an accident. The harts are happy to see us and I'm  **really** happy to see them. I get on the horse as if my life depended on it and we leave the place.

"Don't think I ever saw you so eager to get out of somewhere." Bull says. "Not even the Storm Coast, Boss."

"Yeah... so you can have an idea about how I feel."

"Let's hope we don't have to go to another swamp any time soon." Dorian says and I can't really fall in line with his hope because I know we're going to have to visit at least one more swamp before all this is over. Stupid Fallow Mire. Well... maybe Bioware made that up. I sigh. It's unlikely.

As soon as we're back on a road we move faster so we can reach the scout's camp and update them. It's not surprising to see that Leliana has sent a message to us. She informs us about a Ball in Halam'shiral, to which Josephine is already making arrangements and that we shouldn't take long to go back. About our trip to Denerim she mentions Josephine is saddened to know the Queen won't be present to talk to us. To me that is a relief.

 

We have lunch and get back on the road, trying to reach a nice spot for camp before nightfall. There are many farms and it's a bit hard to find a place we can stop, so when we finally do it's already night. I go clean myself at the small creek and I'm  **really** happy to see there's no more period! Yay! Woohooo! I almost start dancing. I hope I'm not anaemic again but considering that shit lasted about ten days I wouldn't doubt it. Ten days... god... I hope next time this shit happens it doesn't last this long. Hope that potion works.

Dinner is good and fun, I read some more of Varric's book while we eat and they talk about many things, making me realize they definitely are getting along with each other very well. I'm feeling sleepy so I don't linger after I'm done eating; I go through my routine and head inside the tent. It's sad that Solas will be in the first watch again, it sucks to sleep without him. I continue reading the book when I enter the Fade.

Genitivi goes back to Denerim to write his stuff about the Temple. I can see the Warden ladies aren't happy with the knowledge of the Ashes being revealed to everyone, afraid it could be exploited. Well, good thing it disappears, right? The Wardens go back to the Deep Roads to help Shale with some memories she's been recovering and end up finding a lost Thaig. It sucks to be back at the Deep Roads... I really hate this place. Afterwards they make their way to Redcliffe, but Solas comes for more lessons, and he tells me he already sent message about the eluvian we found today as well.

We have to leave bed early, barely enjoying our time alone together with kisses while in each other's arms. I eat my mangoes for breakfast, and the others think it's funny the way I peel it, then cut it into cubes inside my bowl, only to eat it with a fork afterwards. I can't help it, I hate biting into it, it gets stuck in my teeth and that is an awful sensation. But damn... when I eat the pieces I almost cry in happiness. It’s so good! I really missed this.

As we move on the way to the scout's camp nearby we come across a rift. Rage demons seem to be swarming the area, it's really weird, but it ends up being easy to get rid of them. The problem comes a while later, when we see bandits attacking a merchant's caravan. We manage to save everyone, but an arrow scratches my arm, really close to where I had been hit that time in the Hinterlands. It's not deep, but it's annoying nonetheless. Thankfully I was wearing the sleeveless shirt. What I haven't realized until it was too late is that that shit was poisoned. Everything fades to darkness.

 

I wake up in my bedroll, feeling lethargic. Solas comes inside the tent not even a minute later. "How are you feeling?" He places his hand on my forehead, then runs it down to my cheek in a soft caress.

"Slow." I blink a few times and take a deep breath. "That arrow was poisoned, right?" He nods. "Was it serious?"

"Thankfully, no. It was a paralysis poison."

"That was close... if it had been a lethal one..." He nods, and I think he understands I mean the others would have found out my secret. "How long was I out?"

"Approximately two hours. We are at the scout's camp, and Cassandra has already gotten information from them." I move to stand up and he helps me.

"Well... let's get going then." He looks at me with a confused face. "I'm alright, not worse than when I'm sleepy."

He holds my hand and gives me a swift kiss on my lips, then leads me outside. I  see the others around camp doing different things and Cassandra is handing a paper to a scout. Walking in her direction, letting Solas walk towards the harts, she sees me and smiles.

"I'm glad to see you are better. I just sent a message to Skyhold about the situation here."

"And what is the situation?"

"There are many reports of bandits, red lyrium smugglers and occasionally red templars. There are also a few rifts." I sigh.

"Shit... things can never be easy for us, huh?" She gives me a small smile. "Well, if we're ready let's get going."

"You should have lunch before we go."

"Oh.. yeah, you're right."

The others have already eaten, and after they come talk to me to make sure I'm alright they just sit around the camp talking to each other. I see Bull talking to a red-haired elven scout and I snicker, which causes Cassandra to ask me about my reaction. I shake my head. "It's nothing... just... Iron Bull seems to find people to socialize easily."

"He's a spy after all." She says. "If he didn't he would be doing a poor job." It surprises me that she would think the same as Solas.

"I wish he would realize soon the Qun is bad for people."

"It seems he has been having doubts about it." She says while looking at his direction. "Sometimes the things he says makes me believe he prefers this life."

"Well... maybe we'll get him with us completely soon."

 

After I finish eating we move out, heading to the rifts in the area. Looking at the map I see most of it are on the other side of Denerim, but we still have two to close before we reach the city. It's weird to find them so close to the main road, but we spot smugglers not very far. I wonder if maybe it's related to that operation with a Venatori inside Denerim. We need to make sure there's nothing going wrong here. The smugglers are hard to defeat, but once again we can't get anything from the ones left alive. I wonder how they manage to kill themselves so quickly, and  **why** they would be so loyal to their stupid cause.

The sky is darkening when we finally get to the city, and the good thing about getting to Denerim is, guess what, a bed and a bath of course. Especially now that I don't have to worry about bloody messes. They should learn with Amaranthine; it's quite dirty here in comparison, but much larger as well. Guess that would make it harder to control but still, they need to improve much. We go straight for the inn, because I want that damn hot scented bath, and a fluffy bed. I hope this inn has a fluffy bed.


	92. Chapter 92*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I'm sorry for the delay, I injured my back last Saturday and spent most of the time laying down. I'm better now and just finished the chapter :) I'm behind schedule again but I should make up for it soon.  
> This chapter is mostly smut, and it's another long one. If you don't want to read it stop when Grace tells Solas she's his. As this is another step in their relationship I thought it worth it to write it. I hope you like it if you read it :)  
> If you skip it it should be fine to read when Solas asks her "No pain?".  
> Thank you very much for comments and kudos, they make my day :) Specially comments <3  
> As I said to a friend some time ago, "kudos are like advertisement and comments let me know how much you like it" :) And if you're still reading. I hope nobody abandoned me along the way, that would be sad. :s There's still so much ahead! I hope you stick until the end <3

The inn had many free rooms, but we decide to share them as usual so we don't take too much space. They were going to split as they usually do, but because of Dorian's complaints after last time, Bull will be sleeping with Blackwall and Dorian with Varric. I decide to eat before heading to my room with Solas so I can just be forgotten inside it for the rest of the night.

While we eat we discuss what we'll be doing tomorrow: Varric will be going around checking his contacts, merchants for trading arrangements with Skyhold and whatever else he wants to do. Dorian, Solas, Cassandra and I will be checking shops, Cole will be doing whatever it is that Cole does, Blackwall and Iron Bull will search for information and Sera will check with the Red Jennies. Hopefully me and Solas will also check the alienage.

The room they gave me is the nicest they had, "nothing but the best for the Inquisitor," as the innkeeper said. Well, it is a nice room. The bed is fluffy, the curtains on the windows are heavy and I doubt I would be awakened by sunlight and there is an adjacent bathroom. Solas follows me inside and we talk while settling in.

"How are you feeling?" He asks while leaving his staff by his pack.

"Aside from bruises I'm alright." I take off my hat and place it inside the pack. "Should I be feeling anything after the poison?"

"No, although side effects are known to happen. It is a good thing that you do not suffer those."

"Do I want to know what those side effects are?" I start taking off the armor.

"Shiver, fever, dizziness.

"Yeah... no side effects." I say with a smile, turning to face him and finding him sitting on the end of the bed. "Will you join me in the bathtub this time?" He shakes his head with a small smile.

"Not yet."

"Fine..." I take my hygiene kit from the bag and turn to him again. "If you change your mind you know where to find me." And I go inside the bathroom.

The tub is large, he could easily fit here with me, but I guess that will have to wait, again. I notice some hair has grown back a little so I get rid of it with the cream Adan has made me. This thing is amazing. I have energy to spend so I summon water to fill the tub and heat it myself. My sore muscles feel awesome after soaking in the hot water for around fifteen minutes. The scent from the oil is amazing, but I'm saddened to see I only have enough for one more use. I'll need to buy whatever they have here in Denerim tomorrow.

After I'm done I dry myself but don't bother putting on clothes. I want to enjoy this night thoroughly and I hope he agrees with me. We'll be having much fun if he does. I wrap the towel loosely around me and step into the bedroom, finding Solas still at the same place, but shirtless and barefoot. "Will you take a bath?"

"I might make use of your scent." He says and I can see his eyes traveling around my figure.

"Wondering why I'm not clothed?" He nods.

"I was..." I say as I slowly walk towards him, "thinking we could enjoy this night thoroughly..." I reach him and step between his legs, "now that I'm not injured neither on period."

"You are injured. Your arm and your leg-"

"Don't bother me in the slightest." I interrupt him and let the towel fall from my hand, sliding over my body and stopping on our feet. He gasps and I run both my hands on the sides of his head, then caressing his ears. "So... do you want to?"

He grabs me at my waist and picks me up quickly as he stands up, making me gasp and laugh at his reaction. He places me on the bed where he was and while he keeps me down with one hand, he casts a ward with the other. I smirk watching him. "I guess that's a yes?"

"I would say it is an 'at last.’" He says with a chuckle and I can't help laughing. "Up." He says as he motions for the bed and I slide myself up on the mattress so I don't have my legs dangling. He climbs after me and keeps his legs at each side of my body. Damn, the way he looks at me... I guess he really wants this. "I can finally take a proper look at you. Can I touch all of you?"

"Yes you can, Solas. I'm all yours." He takes a deep breath and holds both my legs, pushing them up so I bend them. I'm not sure what he wants to do but I let him move me however he wants.

His hands trail down my legs softly and end up on my feet. He then holds one of them in both his hands and runs his fingers over the entire surface. "Even your feet are thin and delicate. How can you be so fragile?" He kisses my ankle and continues kissing up to my knees before I can even answer, and after he started kissing me I became too surprised to come up with words, even though I got no explanation for the way my body was built. "So soft..." He then grazes his teeth up and down the side of my shin, making me shiver. "So sensitive..." He then kisses my knee and separates my legs, licking his way up my inner thigh, making me moan, then blows slowly as he makes his way down to my knee and squeezes my thighs, which makes me moan again and I end up contracting them and curling my toes in reflex. He pushes himself up on his hands and looks down at me. "So beautiful..." His lips find mine and I hold his head to better kiss him but he doesn't let it last.

After sucking my lips he moves his to my neck, sucking lightly at the skin there before licking his way down to my breasts. As he sucks on one nipple, one of his hands squeezes the other. I can't keep quiet at this. "So passionate." He says before sucking harder and making me cry with pleasure. My body is so hot, my clit is throbbing and I can't help contracting my vagina. God. His mouth leaves my breast and the further down he licks and kisses me the hotter my veins burn and the louder I breathe. When he is down at my hips he holds my thighs tight and spreads them again. "Such a lovely scent.." And before I can think his mouth is on me. I can't help a scream as his tongue licks all around me. "And flavour." And as I hold the sheets tighter he inserts a finger inside me, making me mewl. "Still so tight..." And after inserting another and moving them I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. "So wet..." Then he starts licking and sucking me while continuously moving his fingers, it's  **too damn good** . I know I'm saying things, but I don't know what. When he curls his fingers I cry out in pleasure, tightening around his fingers and shaking under his mouth.

"Oh damn..." I say, breathless. "Solas... that was... so good." He chuckles and comes up to kiss me with his glistening lips. I suck his lips and tongue, he does the same to mine when he can and I hold him tighter. "I missed this so much."

"And you say you are fine with only treating my needs." He says with a smug face.

"Oh but I  **love** treating your needs. And I really want to do that too, you know." I slide my hand down his abdomen and cup his hard member inside his pants, making him gasp with closed eyes. "You shouldn't be wearing anything."

"Then remove them." He says then sucks my neck.

"You know it's hard to do anything when you do that..." He chuckles into my ear, making me shiver and I let out a hiss.

"Consider it a focus training." He nibbles at my ear and then sucks my earlobe. My hands tremble as I try to pull the laces and when he licks and sucks my neck it only becomes more difficult, but when he bites me I completely lose focus of what I'm doing and moan loudly, squeezing my thighs together. His hands are traveling around my body, one stops at my thigh and the other on my breast, his tongue licks its way up to my lips again as his hand on my thigh goes up to my butt and squeezes it. I'm mewling into his mouth, and we take turns kissing and sucking each other as his other hand plays with my breast. My hands are grabbing at his waist, his trousers forgotten to my numb mind. Having him like this is so perfect, I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like when we go until the end.

"Solas..." I manage to say, breathless, as my hands travel up his back, caressing his skin, " _ I love you. _ " And it somehow feels like a dam opened, and the feelings inside me flow towards him, and his flood me, it's just so intense, feeling each other like this, this exchange of energy, of feelings, of emotions.

" _ I love you, my heart, my Enasa, my hope _ ." I realize his hand that was on my breast is now on my cheek as he looks at me with eyes so full of feelings, I take my hand to cup his cheek as well and he smiles, such a loving smile. How can he love me this much? God... Solas...

" _ I love you, Solas, I love you, I love you so much _ ." God, I wish there were words to express what I feel. And I kiss him, and he returns it lovingly. I take my hands to hug him tight and I feel his chest flushed against my breasts, his hand on my butt going up to my waist and holding me tight, the other on my hair, holding my head so we don't part our lips. Our breathing only getting more intense as the kiss becomes full of desire again.

As his hand on my waist makes its way downwards again, I notice I'm scratching him lightly on his back, but I also remember he likes it, so I don't stop. I want to move my legs, but I'm pinned, so I focus on what I can do: kiss him and touch his back. At some point he breaks the kiss to start kissing all over my face, then my ear, and my neck, and his hand that is now back on my butt moves down to between my thighs as his knee spreads my leg again. I can't help moaning and he sucks my neck, and licks the place only to suck it again, as his hand plays with my clit and slides down and inside me. I'm senselessly making sounds and touching his back and shoulders, then somehow I get some sense back into my head to notice his hand is still holding my head, and I turn my face to lick, suck and bite softly at his forearm. He groans as he bites my neck, and it only increases the pleasure I feel from his hand down at me. The orgasm hits me stronger this time, and I feel my body tingling all over. He doesn't stop though, he slows it down as his mouth travels to my breast and his hand finally leaves my head, leaving me without something of him to work my mouth on. I whine and he chuckles, making me shiver at the vibrations on my nipple.

His hand goes down to my butt while the other still works in between my thighs, spreading the wetness all around me and tempting the swollen nub occasionally. "I thought it was my turn." I say, breathless.

"You failed at removing my clothes." He says then squeezes my nipple between his lips, making me whimper as the jolt travels down my body. His hand starts moving firmly and it's good that the room is warded or everyone in this floor would probably hear me. His hand leaves my butt with a hard squeeze and goes up my waist to cup and squeeze my other breast, then his mouth starts traveling south, licking and kissing everywhere it stops by. His fingers inside me move with such skill that I'm sure I'm going to come very soon. This is  **too fucking good** .

"Oh... Solas... I..." His mouth reaches my clit and I cry out in pleasure, and the pressure from his tongue sends me trembling into another orgasm. His tongue doesn't stop, he licks all around me and replaces his fingers inside me. I end up moving my legs to wrap around his shoulders and he squeezes my thighs with his hands, then my butt as he lifts me from the bed. God... I'm upside down on his legs: my head is still on the bed, but my back is against his thighs and well... his face is in between my thighs. His hands move to hold the front of my thighs, keeping me tight against him.

"Are you comfortable?" He asks and I feel like laughing, how could anyone be comfortable in this position? But well, I don't feel  **un** comfortable, so I guess that's good. I hum in agreement. "Nothing hurts?" I give him a no and he continues. "Good." And just like that his mouth is against my clit again, and he moves his tongue up and down to my entrance. The blood seems to flow hard to my head and everything is so intense, I can't think, I can only feel, and this is too good. I hope the things I'm saying are words to let him know I'm loving this. He doesn't let me come fast, though, whenever the pleasure is too much he stops and he continues teasing me like that until everything kind of explodes. Fuck... I can't see anything.

He slides me on the bed so I'm laying on my back again and starts kissing his way up to my belly, then ribs, breasts, shoulders, neck, and finally my lips. I feel like jelly but I kiss him, oh lovely lips. " _ I love you Solas _ ." I say, breathless. "Damn... what was that?" He chuckles and then nibbles at my lower lip, holding it between his teeth for a second before releasing it and sucking it.

"That is me discovering you."

"Well... you’re free... to discover me... whenever you can." I'm panting and he chuckles again.

"Be careful of what you offer." He kisses my jawline.

"I'm not offering... anything... that isn't already... yours."

"Is that so?" He nibbles at my earlobe.

"I told you... I'm all yours."

"And I yours." He whispers into my ears, making me shiver. "Do you want to sleep?"

"Hell no. I... still haven't... eaten you." He chuckles and then licks my neck, making me moan. "And how can I sleep... when you keep making me horny?"

"You said I was free to discover you."

"And you are... but be fair and let me suck you, please?" He groans.

"How can I resist it when you say it that way?"

"Good..." I take my hands to both sides of his face so I can hold him looking at me. "Because I want very badly to feel you hard and pulsing inside my mouth, until you release your delicious essence down my throat." His eyes get really dark and I suck his lips before I ask. "Now please, lay back so I can suck you." He chuckles and shakes his head, still smiling, then he lays beside me.

Now that I don't have him working against me I can untie the laces pretty quickly and his hard and hot member jumps up, and it's very wet with precum. My mouth waters and I don't know how, but I'm still up for more. I remember my mother saying once to someone that our family had very insatiable women, I guess that's true. After I remove his pants I hug his leg and rub myself on it, he chuckles and it only makes me want to feel him more. I lick and kiss him from his ankle up to his inner thigh, listening to his lovely hisses and groans. When my hand cups his balls he moans loudly and I lick him hard. I'm not even touching his member yet, he'll need some serious restraint or he'll come undone quickly. I guess all that attention on me backfired on him.

I lick him from balls to tip and the sound he makes is just amazing. I start licking all around the thick and throbbing surface and his breathing gets louder and ragged. It's amazing to feel the blood pumping inside the bulging veins as my tongue slides over his hot skin, but I want to feel him inside me. I take the tip inside my mouth and he gasps, when I suck it hard he moans delightfully. Oh I want more, and I suck it hard again, then again. Then I slide my mouth down, taking more of him inside and moving my tongue to make him sing more for me. As I move my head up and down and play with his balls he gets tenser and I know what's coming soon. I stop completely, letting him fall from my mouth as I lick my lips. "Teasing me tonight?" He asks, breathless as he removes his hand from his face.

"Yes. Just a little." I slide my finger over him and it twitches. I chuckle. Lovely. "Solas..." he hums and I continue, "I want to feel you inside me tonight." He gets up on his elbows and I slide a finger over him again, making him hiss as it twitches. "I want you to make love to me as you look into my eyes." I slide my finger again, another twitch. "I... want you to fill me." I look at his face, then, and I see an expression that confuses me. He seems hungry, but also loving, and pained. "Do you want to?"

"I do. I have been expecting this, you know it." I smile and he smiles too. My chest gets hotter with the feelings getting restless.

"Can you... still do it after I drink you?" He chuckles and gives me the cutest yes I've ever heard. "Oh... great." I slide my finger on him again and he hisses. "And er... about... er... pregnancy..."

"Do not worry, I have a spell for it."

"Oh, that's good." I hold him tight in my hand then and I see him closing his eyes and making an "o". Lovely. "Then let me finish this, lay down." He chuckles and obeys. I take him inside my mouth and after moving my head up and down I suck him hard, making him spill inside my mouth deliciously. I hum in delight as I swallow it all. And fuck... I'm so wet again. I let him off my mouth and climb his body, he holds me tight and caress my back as we kiss. "I think I'm insatiable." He chuckles.

"Good. Because I also am."

"If only we could do this all night." I say with a laugh. He caress my cheek then and I look at his wonderful eyes.

"Some day." And he kisses me, turning us on the bed so he is on top of me again. I feel some spell being cast and then his hand finds its way between my legs again, fingers sliding around the slick folds. "Insatiable indeed." And he sucks my lips. "Tell me if it hurts. We have been working on this, but it might." I hum and he kisses me lovingly, his other hand caressing my temple. It's not long before I feel him moving over me and then his member touches my clit. His hand down there moves up to my thigh as he slides up and down the folds, not yet entering me. It feels good, but it's too tempting. I suck his tongue and my hands won't stop traveling around his back, that is until I feel him at my entrance. He doesn't stop kissing me, not until he pushes a little inside, then he gasps, and so do I. He tries to continue kissing me, but it often breaks as he slowly pushes inside. It doesn't hurt, it feels awesome actually. His fingers never filled me this well, this good. The moaning doesn't let me kiss him and he is also breathing hard as he continues his way inside me. There is a slight burning sensation as he stretches me further, but there's no pain. And hell... this is a wonderful connection with him. He stops and hugs me tight. I feel so full, so complete. I hold him tighter and whisper into his ear how much I love him. I feel his feelings stronger than ever, and I already thought I could feel all of his feelings before. I hope he can feel mine. " _ You know I love you. And I hope you can feel how much I do _ ." He says, melting me. I move my legs to wrap around his so we can be the closest possible and the movement is just delightful.

He starts moving, and the slightest movement already sends such a powerful energy through my body, this feels amazing. We were kissing, but we both are breathing too hard and moaning too much to keep at it. His name is a constant on my mouth, as are the words telling him how much I'm enjoying this. He also tells me how good it feels for him and it only makes me hotter. God... I never thought something so good could exist. And I always thought it was stupid when people said it but, I do feel like we're one now. There is a deeper connection between us, it's like my soul also connected to him, not only our bodies. His magic then starts mingling with mine, and that is another level of connection we never had before. We're linked in too many ways, too many pleasant ways, I feel like I'm going to melt into his arms and his mouth ends up on my neck, sucking me again.

I know I'm moaning louder, and my legs are rubbing against him, my hands are scratching him, and god... the way his hips move to pump his member in and out of me is amazing. I feel him so deep inside me, caressing everything and making me feel like there's nothing else in the world but us. He is hot, pulsing and hard, I can't control the contractions anymore, and I know I'm really close. One of his hands end up on my breast as he bites my neck and that sends me to another orgasm, and it's a completely different experience to have him inside me when it happens. And it is a  **very** good one. He groans into my ear as I squeeze him, and he slows down his movement, but doesn't stop.

This feels too good, to have him sliding in and out of me like this. The sounds we make filling the room are something that would make me mortified if someone could hear us. His sounds into my ear making me hotter and wanting him more are something that I hope to always be able to hear. The smell of us in the air around us is something I wish we could have on our skin without other people noticing, something that would be our secret, but I know it wouldn't happen that way.

The pleasure starts building stronger again, and he moves at his normal speed again, making me moan like crazy as he licks and sucks my neck and shoulders. His hand on my breast squeezes me softly and my legs are now at his hips, tightening around him as much as I can. His breathing is uneven, I know he is close, but he continues the pace, the amazing pace that makes me feel like my body is on fire and that there's nothing in the world I'd rather be doing now than this. To feel him over me, on me, in me. His mouth takes the place of his hand as the hand travels down my body, and as he sucks and licks my nipple his finger finds my clit. I don't know how he can make room between us for his hand, but it feels amazing. Too amazing, and I feel the orgasm hitting me in powerful waves, and I know I'm being loud. My body trembles and there is just so much energy flowing through it that I can't keep my legs around him anymore. As my legs slide down his he jerks into me a last time, and I feel something extra there inside me. His seed. Oh god, he filled me. Just as I asked. And I still can't stop squeezing him it seems. Persistent orgasm uh. His lips find mine as I try to hug him with my weak arms, and the kiss is slow and lazy, but full of feelings. "I hope we can do this again soon." I say sounding a bit drunk and he chuckles, breathlessly, as I nuzzle his cheek.

"No pain?" He asks while caressing my cheek.

"None. Only the greatest pleasure I've ever felt." He kisses me again and then moves us, so I stay on top of him, and I feel him slipping out, making me hiss. Even now it still feels good. "Damn..." He tilts his head and I continue. "Even when you slide out it feels good, it's unfair." He chuckles and kisses me again.

"If you keep saying words like those you will make me want to do it again."

"Oh if I wasn't so tired I would tell you many dirty things." But I don't think I can move any time soon. I let my body slide beside him to our usual position before sleep, and wrap an arm around his shoulder. His expression looking at me is so full of love that I don't even know what to do with myself. "Solas..." he hums and I continue, "while we were doing it I felt a... connection with you... different, but definitely a connection, and I don't mean it physically."

"I know what you mean, I felt it as well." He says while tucking strands of hair behind my ears. "I do not know what it is, as it never happened before, and I never heard of it even in the Fade. How did you feel?" His hand starts caressing my cheek.

"Like... we were one. Like... if your aura makes me feel whole, then I felt like I wasn't only myself anymore." His hand stops caressing my cheeks and he smiles.

"I felt the same. And I believe I feel this connection still active in some level."

"Yeah... I wonder why this is." If he has been with so many women before and never felt this... is this because I'm from another world? "But it feels amazing." I give him a smile.

"It does.” He gives me a swift kiss. “We should sleep. We have a long day tomorrow."

"Or in a few hours." I chuckle. "Damn... I really need a whole day with you."

"Something tells me you would not be satisfied even then."

"What can I do? I can't have enough of you." He chuckles.

" _ Sleep, Enasa. _ " He kisses me and I make it a longer one.

" _ See you in the Fade, my heart _ ." I tell him as I nuzzle his neck into a nice position to sleep smelling his awesome scent. As my consciousness slips to the Fade I faintly hear him saying " _ I love you, my heart's desire _ ."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some days ago I had to get an idea out of my head.. so I wrote a smut unrelated chapter, if you want to [check it out](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234964) :) It wasn't going to be a story.. but I've been getting more ideas about it.. I think it'll be another one.. but it'll be a porn with plot kind of story if it happens.. yeah.. my shame flew out of the window lol


	93. Chapter 93*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring Denerim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Another chapter, just finished it :) I hope you like it!  
> Oh, and there is a short smut bit after Grace wakes up, if you want to skip it, and it should be fine after "Nobody comes to bother us..."  
> And yes, there's a reason the smut is there xD  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments! <3

It's weird, but it seems our newly-made connection is stronger here in the Fade. It's hard to explain, but I feel closer to him here. The wisps also seem happier, and that makes me feel weird, because, well, they seem to know what we just did. Well, I guess all of my spirit friends and perhaps even the ones I don't know that were around the inn know. God... that's weird.

"What is bothering you?" Solas asks as he holds my hand.

"Just... thinking about the spirits that could have watched us." He seems amused.

"You never worried about it before."

"Well... yeah... it's weird. Nevermind... it'll pass. Let's study?" He gives me a kiss and then takes me to the library, so we go through another night of lessons about anatomy. I guess we should be done about elves soon, and so far I haven't seen anything really different from what I studied about humans at school. But now I know even more.

I wake up to an uncomfortable feeling between my legs. Not the slight soreness, that doesn't bother me, but the stickiness does. Our fluids seem to have slipped out of me during the night. It's weird, it's uncomfortable, but it also makes me feel hot. It's a very clear reminder of what we did, and I definitely want more of it. I rub my chest on his as I kiss his shoulder and he smiles as he opens his eyes. "Hungry already?" He says with a chuckle. I lick his neck.

"Very." It's true, I want him badly. "But I want to do it in the bathtub. I need a bath. Do you want to?" He grabs my butt and pulls me against him, making me feel his half-hard member flushed against my mound and I moan. "Come on." I move to stand up but he holds me, and then picks me up as he sits up. I straddle him, feeling him under me, and his hands hold me tight against his body. He stands up and carries me to the bathroom, and I take the chance to lick and suck his neck. I feel magic and look to the tub to find it empty. Then he fills it and has to let me down so he can heat the water. On my way down his body I slide against his now hard member and it makes me more expectant of what's coming next. After the water is hot I pour down the oil and move it around to spread.

He enters the tub and after he sits down he offers me his hand. He has such a sly smile that my body only becomes hotter. I take his hand and step into the tub, sitting in front of him and entangling our legs. He grabs my leg with one hand and takes the soap from me with the other, then starts running his hand over my skin, washing me. This wasn't my plan, but I let him. He does the same to the other and then bends closer to me. I think he's going to reach for my waist or my breasts, but his hands end up on both sides of my thighs, soap forgotten inside the tub. While one hand stays on my hip, the other travels between my thighs, I let my head lay on the tub and relax as his fingers slide over the sensitive skin. He could very well be washing me, but he isn't. He is tempting me, working me up. I start moaning and he hums, then his hand leaves my sex to grab at my hips along with the other one. He pulls me over him and I end up straddling him. I can feel him hard and hot between us and I rub myself against it, making him groan. We're hot and wet, slick with the scented oil and this is simply awesome. When I asked him to join me in the bath I never thought it would be so good.

"See why I refused before?" He asks and then starts nibbling my neck.

"Not really, why?" I say, a bit breathless and continuing to rub myself against him. He is hard, I'm horny, I want him inside. I move one of my hands from his shoulder down to his member to position him at my entrance. He sucks my neck and I push myself, making him slide inside with a loud moan. "Shit... wards, Solas." He chuckles and then I feel the magic working twice while he licks my neck. How much focus does this man have? I can barely think now that I have him inside me and he is licking me and casting.

"Because... it is hard to resist." And he helps me move over him, holding my hips tight and controlling my speed and angle. We are moaning in each other's ears, my breasts sensitive with the rubbing on his chest and it's not long before I'm trembling with pleasure and squeezing him. We don't stop yet, this is too good to stop.

Words and moanings fill the room along with the sound of water splashing, and I can't bring myself to care about the mess we're probably making. The only thing that matters is us at this moment, and god... this feels amazing. This time when I come he does too, filling me again. "Oh Solas, I love this." I say with a breathless chuckle. He kisses my lips for long minutes. Well... guess now we're bathing in a sex puddle. God... we need clean water. Or his spell.

Nobody comes to bother us, and as we try to clean up we end up doing it again. Eventually I suppose we're satisfied enough to occupy ourselves with other matters, and well... I'm hungry, for food. We clean the bathroom and the bedroom as best we can spot the places that we messed up and go down to eat, probably lunch by now. When we reach the dining area I don't see anybody. We order our food, and it's indeed lunch time now, and the person bringing us food gives me a note. It's from Cassandra, telling me they went ahead to check what news they could find in the city, and that we should meet after lunch at the bookshop. Well, that's practical.

It's a curious situation we're in: for the first time, I think this never happened, I'm eating alone with Solas. And it's  **very** nice, specially that now we have this new and strong connection. We spend our time discussing magic applications in daily life, how everything would be better if people stopped being afraid of it and started embracing it and making practical use of it. Just in this dining room we see at least five opportunities where magic could improve things, and I hope that the world we're trying to build will change the way people see magic for the better, and that everyone can enjoy its benefits.

We finish our meal and head towards the bookshop to find the others and start our day. I notice Solas doesn't stay as far from me as before, occasionally even brushing his hand against mine as we walk around. There is one thing bothering me, though. Something that completely slipped my mind: I'm going to have  _ something _ coming out of me for a while... and considering the amount of times we did it... damn... At the same time this bothers me, it also makes me think about it, and thinking about it makes me want to do it again. I guess I'm doomed. At some point I just feel so hot that I just can't control myself, I want to kiss him. I stop him, taking advantage of his surprise I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He seems to be too shocked to react at first, but then he wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me back. When we finally part he asks me with an amused expression: "What was it for?"

"I... wanted to kiss you." He chuckles and caresses my cheek.

"It might not be so wise to do it in this sort of place. You do not want to antagonize people further." He says with a gentle smile even though his words aren't so gentle or even the hidden meaning behind them: the prejudice.

"It might not be... but I'm tired of holding back because of what people may think of me. You once said we didn't have time to worry about appearances... well... did you change your mind?"

"No. Although it might be safe to express our feelings around our companions and the Inquisition, outside those circles it might not be. And it is that safety that worries me, not appearances."

"Oh... I see. Well..." I sigh, "what could they really do? Start another war? Because the human Inquisitor loves the elven apostate? Not to mention the Inquisitor  **is** an apostate as well. I've never been in a Circle. Well, Solas... as much as I understand how they can hate me simply for loving you, or simply for existing, I don't want to waste my second time in life worrying about what others will think of me. I want to be free to love you as much as I'm able." I give him a smile and then  **he** kisses me.

"Ahem." Someone interrupts us and it really annoys me. I look to the person prepared to lecture them on not interrupting people but I find Dorian with a smirk. "I see the two lovebirds are too busy to meet with their friends."

"Well... er... sorry, Dorian, it wasn't my intention to leave you waiting. Where is Cassandra?"

"Inside the shop, browsing books."

"Did you wait long?" I ask while we start walking to the shop, holding hands with Solas.

"Maybe twenty minutes." When we get to the shop's door he stops, barring our entrance with a smirk. "Tell me, did you really spend all morning sleeping?" Then he laughs, my face is burning so I guess he has his answer. He goes into the shop murmuring a "my my."

Cassandra sees us and also gives us a weird smile. What's up with these people? When I get a moment alone with her I ask, and well, her answer makes me utterly mortified. "I stopped by your room before we left and before I could even knock I heard you two... well... busy." I'm speechless and I feel like the floor just opened under my feet and my stomach dropped. Solas comes to me in a few seconds.

"Did something happen?" He asks as he holds my hands from behind me and I let myself bask in the comfort of his chest against my back.

"She... er... heard us." I say almost as a whisper, looking at the floor.

"Don't worry, Grace. I'm happy for you, you know this." She says but I can't feel good about it.

Solas holds my hands tighter and then moves them so he hugs me still holding them, making me hug myself as well. "I appreciate the sentiment, Cassandra." He says. "Do not worry about this, Enasa. She is your friend after all. I am sure you would have told her about it."

"Yeah maybe... probably... still... telling is different than being caught on the act."

"We can pretend it never happened." She offers and I nod profusely. Solas chuckles and kisses my temple as he lets my hands go.

"I will be around the corner should you need me." He says and then leaves. I sigh.

"Yeah... let's... not mention it for a while." She nods and then shows me some books she found, apparently one of them is a relic of smut literature and she flushes while talking about it. Oh Cassandra... you're adorable.

We don't buy many books, which is good and bad, good because I don't have many things to carry, and bad because I wanted things to read... well... when I actually have time to read... I have more books than time now. And to think that I'm still a very unskilled mage makes me annoyed.

 

As we walk to the next shop, being away from curious ears, they tell me they couldn't find anything useful, and that they hope the others have better luck.

Next stop is the apothecary, and I buy herbal soaps, oils and cream. If I have to change one scent then I have to change it all, no mixing scents thank you very much. Solas gets some herbs but it's still not the ones I need for my potion. God... who sells this thing? I can't wait to get back to Skyhold now that Solas got his agents to send the herbs there.

After we're done there we go to the market square to browse stalls, and I'm sad to see they don't have the nice fruits Amaranthine had. "They have grapes", Dorian shows me a stall selling really nice green grapes, I hope it's the kind I like. I try one and it is! Sour, juicy and just a little sweet. I get a bunch of them, it's nice they're cheap.

We check the clothing shop to see if there's anything that could be useful, but there's nothing we really need at the moment and they had nothing that made any of us want to spend money on. The enchanted items shop was too expensive and the items not very useful. I wonder if we'll ever have nice enchanted stuff. Lana was no enchanter after all. Well, we do have a lot of Tranquils now, they might be able to enchant stuff. God... I really need to go back to Skyhold and check on things, if only fast travel was a thing in real life.

Cassandra tells me about Wade and his shop that became very famous after the Hero of Ferelden gave him dragon parts to make armors. I'm not very interested in it because as you know I love dragons and don't intend on having any of them killed, but I admit I'm curious to see if the man was like in Origins. He was a very fun character, even though I hated his assistant. The shop is closed, though. They traveled to collect the parts from a dragon some hunter has killed. Poor dragon.

By the time we're done walking around checking places the sun is almost set and Dorian and Cassandra tell us they aren't joining us in the alienage, that they're returning to the inn. That might actually be even better, considering the elves might not be so comfortable with so many humans -one of them a Tevinter- there, considering the past events with Loghain and the slavers. I just hope they aren't very mean towards me.

As we enter the gate, and it really bothers me that it has to be a gate in every alienage as if they were prisoners, they seem more alert to the fact we're carrying staves than that I'm a human. The place is just as awful as any other alienage I've seen so far, and I can see and feel how it bothers Solas. Having lived through ages when elves were superior to any other being then facing them being treated like this is surely a hard contrast, and it seems that instead of getting used to it he only becomes more upset about it. I understand completely, because it upsets me too. I only imagine that what he truly feels is much stronger than how I feel.

I don't really got an idea of how to approach elves, being a human and all, so I let him speak for us, even as he introduces me as Inquisitor. People are surprised that the Inquisitor would visit alienages, checking for herself the way elves are treated and recruiting them. They are too used to being forgotten or treated as waste. I really hope I can help change that. I don't have illusions that this would change suddenly, but whatever I can do, I hope to be able to do.

I'm surprised to see the person selling trinkets has a six-eyed wolf head in a pendant. She tells me she was born Dalish, but because she disapproved of their beliefs that Fen'Harel was evil she was sent away. She wouldn't accept any Vallaslin because Fen'Harel didn't have one. After coming to the alienage she became the apprentice of the elder craftsman and started making tokens for every deity. And really, she has many tokens for Andraste and the other Evanuris. We offer her the chance to come work in Skyhold, but she says she likes living in Denerim, as strange as it may seem. The people in the alienage were nice to her and she doesn't want to leave them. Then we offer her the opportunity to work with us from here, being our eyes and ears and helping us improve their situation. And that she accepted. I leave Solas to talk to her about the job as I observe their massive tree;  _ Tree of the People _ as they call it. It's a beautiful tree, and full of things dangling from it. The energy around it is quite powerful, and I think there might be many spirits on the other side of the Veil observing people that come around here to pray and offer things.

We were going to leave, but I decide to buy the wolf head for Solas. He doesn't accept it, though. He tells me it would look better on me, and as a side effect would make everyone wary of the Inquisitor who walks around with Fen'Harel's head on her chest. I accept it, just to have something to remind me of him with me all the time. He doesn't let me take it, though. He says he'll do something with it first. Well... soon I'll have a halla and a wolf around my neck, maybe I should get a snake and a dragon next. I wish they had crosses. I love crosses. Maybe I’ll ask someone to make one.


	94. Chapter 94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving Denerim and learning bareback riding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Hey there! Another chapter here, I'm still behind schedule.. god, can't wait to have like 10 chapters ahead again, but these past days have been working against me.  
> Anyway, I hope you like it!  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments! They make me very happy! <3

On our way back to the inn I ask Solas about the bareback riding lessons and he says I should be well enough to try it, so we should start it soon; maybe tomorrow after we leave Denerim.

I find everyone sitting at one of the big tables, mugs in hand. Even Cassandra is drinking, and that is rare. Varric and Dorian make room for us and we sit down. "So," Varric says, "Sparkler told us you only left your room after noon, Crystal."

"Yeah... got to enjoy the bed while I have one."

"And it seems you enjoyed it very well, Boss." Bull says raising his mug at me before drinking. I raise an eyebrow at his gesture and he smirks. Does he know anything?

"Yeah... got a nice rest." I take a look at the table and there is nothing but drinks, no food. I get my pack with grapes and place it in front of me. "Do you mind cleaning them for me, Solas?" He doesn't even answer, he just gestures at the grapes and a surge of energy around them leaves them clean and fresh. "Thank you." I give him a smile and pick a grape, humming in delight at the taste. I pick another one and give him at his lips, he raises an eyebrow at me and I motion for him to open his mouth, he does and I place it inside, when he closes his mouth he ends up kissing my fingers. There is a mix of cheer, surprise and disgusted sounds among the group. I don't mind.

“Get a room you two.” Sera says with her annoyed tone.

“After I have dinner and you all tell me what you found out around town today, we will.” I get another grape and continue. “So… who’s going first?”

“You were right Boss, there’s Venatori hiding here.” Bull says while calling the waitress with a gesture. “We didn’t have time to find who or where, though. Red might find them.”

“Yeah, let’s tell Leliana. Anything else?”

“There’s the usual bandit gang around, I dropped a few hints with the guards.” Varric says and drinks some. “Got some merchants to trade with Skyhold, and the word around with my contacts is that there are people stupid enough to  **want** to be red templars.”

“You can’t be serious.” He shrugs. “Any way we can track where these people are heading off to?”

“Maybe the Nightingale’s spies can get something.” He scratches his head and sighs. “I really don’t get people sometimes, Crystal. And you know I get people… but this?  **Wanting** to be warped killing madmen? I don’t get them...”

“Yeah... I don’t either.” The waitress comes by and Bull asks more drinks, I take the opportunity to ask food and the others do too.

“A good thing about today, though: your popularity here isn’t a bad one, Crystal. There’s some people very interested in your idea of treating people equally.”

“That’s right.” Sera says. “The Jennies didn’t think y’were serious in that speech but we’re getting shit done yeah? The little people got many things to say.”

“Little people including elves, Sera?”

“It’s  **people** , Grace, that’s everyone.”

“Alright, anything we can help with while we’re here?”

“Nah, they’re fine. The good thing is that they’re liking ya.”

“Yeah, that’s good. Oh and those people interested in helping, Varric, how exactly they plan on helping?”

“Word is some are nobles, and they can help the way nobles do, meddling and funding. The others aren’t nobles but got some reach anyway. They’re giving me the specifics later.”

“Alright, let me know when you get it. Blackwall, any news on Grey Wardens?”

“No, Inquisitor. Whatever they’re doing they didn’t come around here.”

“Well, guess we leave in the morning then. Has anyone seen Cole?”

“Last time I saw the Kid he was mumbling something about fear and darkness, something cold too.” Varric says calmly. “Probably went off to help whoever was afraid of darkness in the cold?”

“Yeah... maybe.”

We continue talking about random things and after the food starts arriving we mostly just eat in silence. When me and Solas are done eating we go to our room to prepare to sleep, but we don’t sleep right away. He joins me in the bathtub and I’m glad he doesn’t forget the wards this time.

 

When he arrives at the beach he remarks how the wisps seem to be closer to changing to whatever they’re changing into. I wonder when it’ll happen. It kind of reminds me of a Pokemon evolving, except that this is real and special for it. I’m really curious to see the kind of spirits they’ll become, what it will say about me. Solas takes me to the library once again and we spend the time going through more anatomy lessons and some practical exercises. He says I’m getting better at it.

What do you think we do when we wake up? If you think we’re insatiable and did it again, then you’re right. We can’t linger in the room for long this time, though. We have to leave Denerim and continue our work after all.

After breakfast with the others we leave the city, and Solas tells me it’s better to wait to try the bareback riding when we’re far from people, so that probably means we’re trying it tomorrow. I really hope it’s not hard to learn, and that it won’t get me any injuries. Lately my joints have been very noisy, popping and clacking at almost every movement I do. The others are used to it by now, but I notice the occasional worry in their faces when it happens.

I eat more of my grapes while we make our way to the rift nearby and I’m thankful that it’s an easy one to close. The other two, however, are a bit harder to deal with. We stop for lunch at a nice place and I read more of the “Tale of the Champion” while we eat. It’s curious to read the book instead of playing the game based on it, since that is what Dragon Age 2 is supposed to be interpreted as. Fenris is a really lovely character, in his own way, even if he hates mages. At least I know that is going to change. Varric’s narrative is really good, so far I haven’t become tired of the book, only wanting to know more about it. I wonder if that is going to be the way I feel when I read Swords and Shields.  **Then** I guess I’ll know what exactly to expect from the book he’ll write about me and Solas.

 

The way to the scout’s camp is clear enough and when we arrive Cassandra helps me remember everything I have to report back to Skyhold, the things I wanted to ask them and some of our companions also send off their own notes. It’s late afternoon so we’re staying here for the night. We get reports from the scouts, update our maps and make plans for what we’re doing tomorrow. There is a lot of shit to deal with.

Solas helps me with the training of the Anchor, but I don’t feel much progress with it. Well, the knowledge I’ve acquired so far in those anatomy lessons  **do** help me, but the effect of the mark’s magic itself isn’t strong yet, so the pain relief is still little.

I hear Cassandra and Bull talking with that flirty innuendo like the other day, it’s a curious thing. I’ve never imagined these two together, specially when Bull and Dorian end up together in game if they aren’t romanced by the Inquisitor. I never took Cassandra with Bull whenever I played so I got no way of knowing if this kind of banter was there or where it leads to, but it’s sure interesting. This makes me remember the talk I had with Cassandra the other day, about Bull’s loyalty to the Qun, and I wonder if after he leaves the Qun she would actually think about being together with him. Thinking about this makes me remember her romance scene I watched on Youtube, and how she seemed to enjoy control, and so does Bull... could they actually work together? Well... maybe it would end up being something like Solas and I, except that I don’t like that whole fetish thing Bull has going on. I wonder if Cassandra does.

When Solas and I go to the tent the others don’t even comment on it anymore, I guess they’re finally used to it and tired of commenting about it, of teasing me about it. It’s nice. And god... I definitely don’t think I can ever live well without this man beside me, under me, on me, in me. Too bad it won’t be possible, I know we’re eventually going to have to stay away from each other, and that is a thought that keeps haunting me. And more than that, it pains me that I’ll have to leave him when my time is over. I try not to think about it, to enjoy the moment, but sometimes these kind of thoughts come rushing over and it’s hard to put them away.

 

Our time in the Fade is spent with more lessons, and he tells me there should be only two more on the topic of elven anatomy, next will be how magic affects the elven body. Well, I might end up being a specialist on elven healing by the end of this, which is nice.

Considering our day starts too early we don’t have time to enjoy ourselves, but he tells me he’s teaching me bareback riding today after breakfast. Well, the others are afraid I’m going to injure myself, and honestly so am I, but Reast is so happy about it and I’ve been looking forward to this for so long now that I just try to ignore it. I can’t die, anyway. Of course it would be trying to explain to them what happened if I actually end up not-dying but Reast isn’t a savage beast, I doubt it’ll come to that. Maybe I’ll just find out what it’s like to break a limb should the worst happen.

It’s  **so damn hard** to get on his back. God, if it was already hard with the saddle, now that I don’t have anything to grab without worrying that I’ll hurt the mount it’s even worse. Solas assures me I’m not hurting him, and Reast also doesn’t seem to mind, but I can’t picture someone  **not** minding having their hair pulled while another tries to get on their back. Solas shows me all the ways someone could get on a mount bareback, and I fail at all of them. Then something surprises me, well, it surprises everybody: Reast lowers himself for me to climb him. What do I do? I hug the lovely creature. “ _ You’re so sweet, Reast. _ ” I tell him now that my elvhen speech is better. He nuzzles my hair while I pet him and everybody laughs at it.

“Chuckles, you have competition.” Varric says with a laugh.

Well, height problem solved, now the matter would be to stay on Reast while he moves. It’s tricky, he walks differently than a horse. I’ll have much to get used to before I can officially stay with him as my mount.

 

We spend the entire afternoon closing rifts, and I wonder how the whole country isn’t consumed by demons at this point. Lunch is spent with more reading while the others talk to each other and as weird as it seems, I have to take a nap. I don’t go to the Fade, which only reinforces the idea that my body was too tired. I don’t recall taking naps since I came here, and I wonder what could be the reason. I’m no weaker than I already was since the period ended, I just hope this isn’t anaemia at work. It’s not like I have anything else available to treat it.

We are on our way to Lothering, and I wonder how the village is after the Blight. Cassandra says we should still take four days to get there. Right now we’re close to the edge of the Brecilian Forest, and I really wanted to go in there, but they tell me it’s too risky, and considering we don’t really have reasons to venture there, it’s an unnecessary risk. Well, I can’t really argue with that. I could order them to follow me, but what’s the point? ‘The Inquisitor wants to explore’ isn’t really  **that** valid a reason when the world is ending.

We find smugglers on the way though, and our new goal besides closing rifts is tracking down the smugglers so we can put an end to their red lyrium business. I wonder how long it’ll take to get rid of them, or where this task is going to take us.

The good thing about this area is that it has nice places to camp, no longer having farms around to compete for space. Dinner is nice and I eat the last of my grapes for dessert, and that leaves me with only oranges for fruits. It’s really sad. Solas helps me with the mark again, and after we’re done we get ready to sleep. Not that we sleep as soon as we enter the tent, though. I’m getting used to this, too used I think, I’ll definitely miss it, and I hope he doesn’t have to take first watch any time soon. Tonight he’s off the watch duty, so we spend the entire time in the Fade with my anatomy lessons.

 

Morning is fun, as we stay a bit longer in the tent. The riding lesson after breakfast is quite smooth. Reast is a great partner and I wonder what I did to deserve him. I also wonder how the clan is doing. I ask Cassandra to remind me to send a message to Skyhold to have Leliana search for news on them.

We close a rift before we come across signs of smugglers and it’s not long before we find them. Fighting them is not a problem because we are a powerful group, but it annoys me to find people willing to do this kind of work, and willing to die to protect it. Before we stop for lunch we close yet another rift, and thankfully it’s an easy one, because I’m tired. We find another group of smugglers before we reach the scout’s camp at the end of the day, and they inform us about the place where the bandits are likely hiding and mining red lyrium. Cassandra is nice to remind me of the note, and I send it off to Skyhold.


	95. Chapter 95

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going to Lothering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> I hope you like the chapter :)  
> Thank you for your support!

The scouts also inform us that Fereldan soldiers occasionally patrol the area, but they can't do much with the rifts around. They have been helping against the occasional wandering demon, but there are also red templars and smugglers to take care of. We hope that closing the rifts around will make it possible for the soldiers to keep order in the area and that it'll make it more difficult for red templars to return after we destroy their current base.

It's sad but we'll run out of fish and shrimps soon, with no way to know where we could get more before we reach Skyhold. I doubt Lothering will have those. Aside from the supplies running low, dinner is nice, and after we finish eating Solas helps me again with the mark training. I still can't feel improvement, though. I wonder if I'll ever master this thing.

After another amazing intimate moment with Solas we go to the Fade for more lessons. The last lesson on simple elven anatomy. I laugh at that, it had  **nothing** of simple in it. But I know that he called it that because next is how magic affects it and that takes it to a whole new level. I wonder if I'll be able to start healing after this.

 

The morning is a lazy one, but we don't have time to linger. We have many things to deal with and have to be on the move soon. To make things quicker we eat while on the horses, and that also takes away my opportunity to train riding Reast. And well, it sucks. Three things I'm left without this morning: time with Solas, nice breakfast and riding Reast.

To make it worse, finding the smugglers is a tiring chore. There are many rifts around, and closing them are a literal pain. I got many other bruises on me now, and  **almost** got a nasty cut. If the Barrier wasn't stronger I'm sure I would be bleeding right now. I'm actually happy that I don't remember how much vinegar hurts, and I don't intend on getting a reminder any time soon. When we finally find the smugglers' hideout I'm surprised to see it's quite in plain sight. Well, the shell of it at least. It's a house, that if you don't investigate you don't find anything wrong with it, but there is a secret entrance leading to a network of tunnels full of the blighted lyrium. We spend the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon cleaning this place. I'm really hungry by the time it ends, and a bit dizzy because you know how I react to tunnels. I'm glad I didn't faint there, or vomit.

After we have lunch and rest for a while, we continue on the way to the other rifts, one being harder than the last. Actually the last one we come across is so hard that the Fear demon that came out of the rift knocked out Blackwall and Sera. The Terror gave Cassandra an ugly gash on her arm and Despair froze Varric in place. I never saw the dwarf shiver so much like he did after thawing. What about me? I could have gone well without any injury, but that would be too good to be true, right? Well, the enemies themselves didn't hurt me, I ended up hurting myself on accident. Thankfully it's nothing serious, just a mild sprain on my finger when the staff slipped from my hand.

When we think we can finally find a place to set up camp Sera spots red templars, and there we go take them down. At least this time I didn't get any cuts to act weird on my body, and the Barriers on the others were strong enough to protect them as well. Unfortunately we couldn't track where they came from, and we continue on our way to find a nice place to camp for the night. We do find a cozy place with a creek nearby, with the added benefit of having the Veil artifact near it, but unfortunately Solas will be the first on the watch.

 

The good thing about not falling asleep with Solas is that I get to read more about the Grey Wardens, but I'd totally trade it for having him with me. After healing Arl Eamon the Grey Wardens travel to Denerim, and their way there is basically bloody fight after bloody fight against darkspawn and mercenaries sent by Loghain. I still can't understand how that man could be so insane. I mean, the darkspawn are trying to destroy everything they come in contact with, leaving no life behind them, and the stupid man tries to get rid of the only people who can fix the problem at the moment. If he isn't a greedy power-hungry madman I don't know what he is.

Denerim is a mess when they get there, specially the alienage. It's awful to see the state it was in back then, now that I've seen how it is right now. I mean, the place isn't great, and during the Blight it was even worse. I really can't imagine people thinking that  **those** living conditions are right conditions to  **any** living being. I can't find out what happens next because Solas comes to introduce me to the next level of anatomy lessons. And I have to say: it's complicated.

 

Morning is calm, even though I'm annoyed for waking up so early again. After breakfast Solas helps me with riding and says that I'm ready to ride Reast now if I want to. Well, of course I want to, and I stay on Reast while my horse follows. I'll have to reconsider the stuff I carry since there are no bags to let Reast carry with him. I realize I'd be travelling pretty much like Solas after the complete change of mounts.

Cassandra says we should get to Lothering before nightfall, and before we can even stop for lunch Bull spots a group of smugglers. This area is too busy with red lyrium trade, geez. It's not hard to defeat them, and since they have good equipment, we take it off their bodies. Not for us to use, because we don't need those, but we could leave it with the scouts after we reach them. I wonder if the Venatori are giving them better equipment now or if it's just this group that had better conditions.

Lunch is spent pretty much like the previous days, with me reading and the others talking, and after we're done and get back on the road it’s not long until Solas tells me there is an artifact nearby. As we head in its direction I spot a ruin of what seems to have been a tower. The artifact is at the top of the thing, almost falling through rotten planks that once were the floor. Bull is too wary of unknown magic to touch the object, so I move it with my magic to a safer spot. I got to say, the thing  **is** heavy. I wonder if by now I should be able to fly better, but I couldn't train that since Haven, being in constant sight of everybody and I want to make this a surprise when I manage to use it right. I don't want them to see me stumbling to learn it and telling me that I should spend my time with something else, or that it's foolish or that I won't make it because nobody else does it.

 

The sight of Lothering surprises me, considering it was destroyed during the Blight, and the new version of it looks  **nothing** like the old one, which I saw in the book. It's a rather big village, and I suppose the reason they rebuilt it is that it connects many roads, which would make it a hot spot for travelling merchants. It's nice to see that the fields around it somehow also recovered from the Blight, since they say where darkspawn has touched nothing would ever grow again. People are surprised to see our group entering the village, and I see they look at the harts with surprise and even awe. Well, some look at them with distaste and I dare say those people don't like elves or anything that would relate to them in some way.

I notice the presence of some refugees and I bet that for some people it would make the memory of the Blight too real again. We head for the inn, which is not as big as the ones in Amaranthine or Denerim, but it's still a large one, and we get rooms for two days. They don't seem to be used to people sharing rooms with elves, if the way they look at us while we talk about it is anything to go by. We split just like we did in Denerim and go have dinner while discussing plans for tomorrow. We should split our group to search for information just like before, since that proved to be quite effective, but considering they don't have many shops for us to browse here, me and the others will just as well join the search for things to help with and information gathering.

 

Solas joins me in the bathtub and we have some  **really** nice time before sleep. I can't wait to try those positions from the book Lust gave me. We don't study tonight, though. Solas wants to dream about what happened here during the Blight, and as it was before, I'm not interested in reliving it for a third time. First in the game, then in the book, I don't need to also dream how people actually  **felt** while being killed and hunted by darkspawn. So my time in the Fade is spent with the book on the Hero of Ferelden, which is exciting now because I'm close to the end.

Lyna is a Dalish elf, so seeing the way she reacts to the alienage is quite heartbreaking. It's a mixture of sadness for the way people live and for accepting to live like that. I watch it as they help people around it and kill the slavers, freeing the elves and collecting proof against Loghain. The proof collecting also goes around plenty of places in Denerim, and meanwhile they help Leliana with Marjolaine, encouraging her to kill the woman or she would never be free and safe from her scheming. While running through the alleys they come across Zevran's old partner, and things get really ugly. Thankfully for the lovers, he really trusted and loved Lyna by then, so the elf stayed by her side against Taliesen. Alistair finally tells the others that he wanted to meet his sister before he would end up dead fighting the Archdemon so they head to her house, only to meet a really nasty woman. He is heartbroken, wanting so badly to have a family only to end up finding that kind of person. They try to cheer him up, and after telling him that he could count on them for his family, they continue their work in the city.

Anora is just the traitorous bitch she is in the game. After rescuing her she tells the guards she's being kidnapped to save face, so the Wardens end up arrested. When they are rescued by their friends and return to the Arl's place, she tells them just as well how she couldn't have done anything else. Pff, I really hate this woman. Arl Eamon tries to convince the Wardens that Alistair is the right option for the throne, but the man  **really** doesn't want to be King, no matter what people tell him.

After all the proofs have been collected, people rescued and bandits killed, they head over to the Landsmeet, where they successfully show the stupid nobles the kind of man they had in power. Anora, as expected, couldn't be angry enough at her father to agree to have him punished for his hideous crimes, including abandoning her husband to die a horrible death at the hands of darkspawn, but considering the nobles agreed to have the Wardens punish the man, Alistair beheads him himself. Afterwards it's decided the woman will be Queen and the Wardens will continue their lives as before.

I don't yet find out what happens at the end because Solas wakes me up with many kisses and tempting touches. After another hot morning we head down for breakfast, where we confirm where each of us will be heading to, and that we should meet back here for lunch and to discuss what to do next.


	96. Chapter 96

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lothering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Hey everyone! Here is another chapter, late, I know, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't write as fast as I usually do. My head has been working against me, but I'm a bit better today. Thank you for your support, you got no idea how much your words help me <3  
> I hope you like the chapter :)  
> Oh and I'm so shocked to see 200 kudos! It's amazing that 200 people liked my work. It makes me really happy <3

Lothering is about the size of Haven, and just as packed with people. The main difference is that people here are basically divided into three groups: one group is the resident nice people, who want to help the refugees; the other group is the resident mean people, who want to get rid of the refugees; and the third group is the refugees. On a side category are the merchants, who are happy to profit from just about anyone. It's good, at least, that the sorry display that existed in Origins doesn't repeat itself here, you know, the one with the greedy merchant. They want profit, but haven't steeped low to take advantage of others' desperation. I guess times are better, or maybe losing Lothering once taught these people something good? Well, it's easy to speculate.

The village might be small, but we have many things to do, and the morning passes in a blink of an eye. Well, a tiring blink of an eye. By the time we go back to the inn for lunch my legs are killing me. I guess spending most of the time on horseback has made my legs softer again? Well, I never got much more resistant anyway.

 

We discuss our progress over lunch, and what we got so far is: there seems to be demons coming from the road to Ostagar, and it only gets more frequent; a few days ago two Grey Wardens passed by looking for a blonde man, so I think the Warden they are going after is Alistair; many farms around have been destroyed by red templars and they took the people who couldn't flee; there have been constant groups of Fereldan soldiers coming by but the problems never cease; Sera is annoyed at having to admit that people here are treating elven refugees worse than humans, but the little people in general are receiving the same treatment. Recruitment got us a couple of people, and we'll make use of them soon. Shops and merchants don't add to anything, and we start planning what to do next.

Demons coming frequently from Ostagar could mean a big rift, specially if the soldiers aren't being able to handle it, so we'll head there tomorrow, taking the chance to have one more night of sleep on beds, not to mention it would be another dinner and breakfast that won't take from our diminishing supplies. There isn't much we can do about the refugees aside from giving them supplies, so I send Sera and Varric to hunt them some food. We don't have anything else available to help them with, but making sure they'll have food is a big help, and our recruits should be able to let us know if anything works against that. Not having much to do in the village, we split in two groups to check the area for clues. Blackwall, Bull and Dorian will go west; Cassandra, Cole and Solas will come with me towards south and we'll meet back at the inn by nightfall.

I have to say, it feels very weird to walk this path after watching it in that book. At least I know we won't have to fight darkspawn, but we got demons and red templars to take their place. I really don't know which is worse.

Exploring around the road we only find signs of what we're looking for after one hour: soldiers' bodies' parts. Gruesome. The further south we go, the more different parts we find: mangled arms with what is left of a gauntlet, rib cages, boots with feet in them. "No animal did this," is what Cassandra tells us. Cole seems to become uneasy as we continue and Solas is quiet. I got no idea what to make of the body parts.

It's not long before we find more parts, and then I hear sounds of battle. My companions ready themselves and we approach slowly to check on the situation. I'm not surprised to see Fereldan soldiers, considering we passed many dead ones, but it surprises me to find them fighting two Pride demons and a Rage. Were it any other opponent, I think ten soldiers could handle it, but those are strong demons, there's no way they can win, and for the look of things they have been at it for some time. Solas shields the soldiers, who are surprised at our interference and Cassandra charges ahead, followed by a running and teleporting Cole. Me and Solas focus on the Rage first, considering it has less resistance to our spells, and we can destroy it in a few minutes, but the Prides are giving everyone a lot of trouble.

The wounded soldiers fall back since they would be easy targets and we cover their retreat. Cassandra thankfully is very skilled at fighting Pride demons by now and she can order the soldiers around her pretty well. I'm basically limited to Chill Strike, because the other spells would hit the allies and some are even ineffective. Solas doesn't seem to have any other spell to attack the demons with either. We try to move around so the demons don't flank us and it's very hard because of their lightning whips. This is going to be a  **very** long battle.

When the battle is finally over the sky is already a mix of colors, indicating the day is pretty much near the end. Thankfully we managed to save all the soldiers, but most are injured. Cassandra got a few burns from the whips and Solas helps her with the wounds while I take the time to talk to the soldiers. Their leader tells me they were sent here after the last group failed to report, their last report being about the increase of demon activities in the area. They couldn't get to the source of the demons, but managed to reduce their numbers to what we found when we got here. They've been fighting them for three days, advancing and retreating, until they got ambushed by the Prides. After Solas is done healing Cassandra he checks on the soldiers for any help he could give to stabilize their condition and we tell them we're checking what is happening tomorrow, because we need to regroup back at Lothering and check with our other companions on what they have found on the area. The soldiers agree to retreat and inform their superiors that we're taking over the issue.

 

Back at the inn we find the guys covered in blood and dirt, even Dorian, so I imagine his energy must be extremely low for him not to be able to even clean himself. "What happened?" I ask as soon as I see them. They motion for us to sit and we do. Bull drinks everything from his mug at once and orders another before he starts talking.

"Vints, reds and demons, Boss. And from the look on you guys I take you found your share of fun." I remember the body parts we found and that definitely wasn't fun.

"Yeah... we found something, but it wasn't fun." I scratch my temple and continue. "I see your tale must be longer so I'll share ours first then. There are demons coming from the road of Ostagar, strong demons, and we found soldiers spread around like bread crumbs..." I sigh and rub my eyes. "I wonder what could have exploded them like that..." I shake my head, "well... I guess unless what you have to say beats this, we're going to Ostagar tomorrow."

"Well, I think it's pretty much a tie, Grace," Dorian says, "we found some grisly things as well, but we took care of it." And then Varric comes in with Sera.

"Andraste's tits guys, what happened to you?" Varric asks loudly as he approaches, and I notice people around looking at us, again.

"Tevinter mercenaries, red templars and demons." I answer using Bull's words, well, similar words.

"I thought ya went different ways, yeah?" Sera asks while sitting down beside Blackwall.

"We did," I say, "my group found demons, theirs found all of it." Sera's eyes go wide and she gives Blackwall a punch on the shoulder, to which he winces more than he should.

"What a shitty day you had!" She says while Blackwall massages the shoulder as best he can over the armor.

"Yeah... it was a mess, and you missed it." He says with a tone that I guess is a taunt.

"What can I do? Inquisitits sent me to hunt food for elfies."

"Actually I sent you to hunt food for the refugees, the fact the elves need it the most is only part of it."

"Well, consider them fed." Varric says as he calls for a drink.

"So..." I'm interrupted by a yawn, "what did you find guys?"

And Bull tells us what they went through, with Dorian occasionally adding some information. Basically they found demons from low to medium rank, and the further away from the village they went the worse the state of things became. Soon they were ambushed by red templars, and on their way back they ambushed smugglers when they found a small hideout in one of the destroyed farms. Blackwall says that the Grey Wardens' trail leads north to Crestwood, and that doesn't surprise me.

Cole is gone again to fix pain in the people around and we have dinner while discussing the best route to Ostagar. Cassandra thinks it's strange that the scouts in the area haven't reported anything, and I hope they are fine. I go back to the room as soon as I'm done eating, I really want to soak in that bathtub, hopefully with Solas there with me. There is nowhere I feel more comfortable than when I'm in his arms.

As we relax in the tub he tells me his worries about what's been happening, the amount of spirits that have been hurt by the damage to the Veil, how Corypheus is constantly making things worse, and how this is another thing that adds to the list of consequences to his bad decisions. What can I say to that? I don't like it when he is sad, or troubled by these things, but I'm also not the best person to comfort anyone, I don't know how. But I try. With my hand on his cheek, caressing him while I speak, I try to comfort him: "Solas, I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pain you feel because of what happened to the world, but we can't change the past, we might risk another Redcliffe incident if we try, and,  _ my heart _ , even though I disagree with what you did with the Orb, you were desperate to fix the world you found. And we might have never met if you haven't." I try a smile but he's still pained, "Solas, we'll make it better. We can't do anything for those already lost, but we can help the ones who're still here, and give a better world for those who'll come."

"You seem so sure." His voice is low, almost as if he's weak to speak. It hurts me to see him like this.

"Of course I'm sure. I trust you to deliver it." He brings his hand to my cheek, and I'm a bit surprised by it.

"How can you feel this way about me? After everything I have done."

"If you really need me to say it again: because everyone makes mistakes, yours just happened to be grave mistakes because the reason was also very grave. When the world you loved, with the people you cared about was threatened to be destroyed, you did the only thing you could. You didn't know everything that would happen. When you woke up to find the result of thousands of years after that change, you were shocked, and how couldn't you be? From everything you showed me this world is completely different, and the elves are treated as shit. But you didn't do that. You gave them a chance, a chance they wouldn't have if the Evanuris continued their wars. Whatever happened after wasn't your fault, Solas. And well... if you had chosen anyone else but Corypheus your plan probably would've worked. But I'm not sure it would have given you the result you wanted either. You see, spirits have been separated from this world for too long, some might not even know how to interact with it anymore. Most become corrupted, I don't think a sudden merge would be beneficial for either side. And as terrible as things are, it gives you the chance, the time, to look at things, think them through and thoroughly before acting. You are a very intelligent man, you can make use of the time you got to see through the bad."

"Time... it is curious that you mention it, because that it something I have and you do not. Many do not. I cannot simply take the time to think about what is happening while there is so much suffering. Suffering I caused." My blood boils at this.

"Solas, don't be stubborn, don't be so proud, don't be arrogant, not everything is your fault. People were already killing each other before you gave the Orb away to that monster. They were making wars and killing people for pleasure before you awoke, hell, they did that before the Veil was even created. Don't try to put it like you're the source of misery in the world." He frowns and is going to say something but I don't let him. "You listen now, you stubborn man. I love you, but you're too stubborn and it gets in the way and it's time you realize it and stop this shit. You are  **not** the reason people are dying right now. You are  **not** the reason spirits are being corrupted. People are. People who took advantage of the chaos, who prefer to further their own goals instead of helping better the world. You saw the Civil War in Orlais happen, Felassan was there, wasn't he? There wasn't any Breach back then, only the greed and prejudice of those damn nobles. And that existed before the Veil." I hold his face with both hands, caressing him, and soften my voice. "Solas, I know the elves have suffered, that they lost part of themselves, but you are already working on it. And without you, there might not even be any elves today. Stop wasting time thinking about things you can't change, and focus on what you can. See the bad and make it better, don't see the bad and think it's your fault because it's not. And yes, I have less time than you have, of course, and I don't want to see you pained by these things. I want to see you working your beautiful mind to make plans that will make this world a great place. I want to see your beautiful face smiling." I show him the tip of my tongue to tease him and he is surprised before he gives me a cute smile. I kiss him.

"You are the voice of reason, Enasa." He says with a much softer expression. That is much better.

"I try. I wish I could listen to myself sometimes." I laugh. "So uh... should I heat the water again or are we getting out of this tub?"

"I believe we should enjoy the tub while we have it." He says with a sly smile and my stomach becomes warm again.

"I guess you're right." I say as I wrap my arms around his shoulders and my legs around his hips, and he heats the water before reinforcing the wards.

 

We spend the time in the Fade with more lessons and I start realizing how different elven bodies actually are to humans, or at least how they used to be, when they were still affected by the Fade. Solas tells me it's rare to find elves nowadays with these characteristics, and that is just another thing to show me how much the elves lost throughout time. He tells me elven bodies would still react better to healing magic, because it's in their nature, but without the Fade to activate those ‘cells’ it wouldn't be as effective as it used to be.

He wakes me up with kisses and tantalizing touches, and soon we're entangled in one another. It's funny, but the more often this happens the more I wish that I could spend an entire day with him in bed. And it sucks to know it wouldn't happen any time soon.

 

We get ready to leave and meet with the others downstairs for breakfast. I'm getting used to them not teasing me about Solas anymore, but I do wonder what's changed. I'm afraid of asking, though.

When we're done with breakfast we head for the stables, where I get Reast, and we leave for Ostagar. At some point we decide to tread on foot, because we have to dismount too often to make riding worth it. There is just too many demons roaming around, and I wonder how they haven't reached the village yet. By the time we stop for lunch I swear we killed over twenty demons. Cassandra says we should be able to reach the scout's camp by nightfall if we continue on foot, and that she's really worried at this point because of the demons.

 

The sun goes down and we still haven't reached the camp, but after some minutes we hear sounds of battle. "Over there is the camp!" Cassandra shouts and we rush ahead, finding the scouts, along with some Fereldan soldiers, fighting red templars. There are bodies around and even some demon goo, I wonder what the hell has been happening in this place. There are about eight red templars, one of them a Behemoth; I hate those giant things. This will be hard.

And hard it is, after the battle is over everybody has at least a scratch, and I got a damn bleeding wound on my arm. I wonder why red lyrium makes me bleed so much. The others say it hurts more than a regular wound, but that's it. I'm the weird one with almost no pain on it but bleeding a lot. I wonder if this should be some sort of temptation, I mean, I'm usually on a lot of pain, and red lyrium seems to numb my senses, so is the thing trying to tempt me to use it? Heh... my mind goes weird places, I have to admit.

It takes a while to help people with their injuries, but after it's done we get rid of the bodies and separate the ones that we'll need to send off for burials and stuff. We lost three scouts and three soldiers,  _ almost _ lost another soldier. The scout tells us they have been fighting demons for almost a week, until they got stranded by a big group. They lost the birds and couldn't send for help, and a day later the soldiers showed up and they've been fighting ever since, wave after wave, until they got ambushed by red templars today. Man, this place is a mess. How did nobody know about this?

We help as we can to make the camp better, then decide who should take turns on watch, which unfortunately leaves me without Solas tonight.


	97. Chapter 97

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grace finally discovers what happened to Lyna and the other Grey Wardens and they reach Ostagar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Another chapter! I hope you like it!  
> Calwyn agreed to beta this story, so it should start being fixed soon, yay! :D  
> Thank you very much for kudos and comments! <3  
> I know I'm behind schedule, and as such I'll just keep posting as I finish them. If everything continues like they have been these past 2 days then you'll get a chapter everyday, or every two days at most.

Solas is nice to come cast the spell on me, but he doesn't waste the chance to get me aroused, the damn wolf. It sucks to fall asleep alone, as always, but I guess this is the opportunity I have to finally finish the book.

Morrigan asks to talk to both women about the ritual, hoping they could convince Alistair to accept it. They try, but fail. Alistair doesn't like Morrigan, doesn't trust her and wouldn't listen to any of the women. Well, one of them is going to die, then. Alistair insists he should be the one, but the others don't agree to it. They argue about who are going to miss them, Alistair saying he won't be King, he has no family, there is no point for him to live. Solona says she doesn't even know where her family is and doesn't have anything to lose, and both of them agree that Lyna shouldn't die because of Zevran. Then Lyna says Solona and Alistair have each other and that Solona should make it up with Cullen. In the end Arl Eamon has to interrupt the discussion and send them off to rest, because they can't keep arguing on the eve of battle.

When the time comes for the battle they still haven't come to an agreement. And it's understandable, how can you just send someone to die? Someone you've been fighting side by side for months. The Grey Warden they rescued assures them it wouldn't come to it, that he would be able to kill the Archdemon, but if it happens as it did in the game, he won't. The girls are annoyed, why couldn't Alistair simply lay with Morrigan? Is that really worse than dying?

It's heartbreaking to see Zevran reacting to the news that Lyna might not return after the encounter with the Archdemon. I never thought the man could become so emotional, and I really hope she makes it back to him. This reminds me of Mass Effect, the time Kaidan would tell Shepard to return, but she never would. I hope that doesn't happen here.

The battle is ugly and it lasts for hours, thankfully I don't have to watch every detail of it. The elder Grey Warden dies before he can kill the Archdemon and it falls to the trio to take down the corrupted dragon. And I wonder what kind of corruption this is, by the way, because the Archdemon doesn't look like the altered dragon Corypheus has. The women are able to throw every sort of spell on the dragon, but Alistair is limited to whenever it lands, since he isn't that good with a bow. Eventually they break its wing so it's stuck on the ground, giving Alistair the perfect opportunity to land the killing blow. The Warden is, however, surprised by its tail sending him away, and the closest Warden when the spell hits its head is Lyna. She is enveloped by a column of light who then changes and splits to several threads swirling around the Archdemon, and in an explosion they both fall limp on the floor. The end. Seriously? That's how the book ends? And what the fuck, Alistair... you can't even die properly! Not that I wanted him to die, but he decided to die, he should have done it right. Well, I didn't do it right either when I decided to kill myself. Damn... poor Zevran.

The wisps seem to notice my distress and come to cheer me up, I tell them it's nothing but I accept their support. These spirits are so adorable, I really love these creatures and I hope I can never cause them harm. I feel Solas' lips on my neck some minutes later, and I say goodbye to the wisps to go hug my lovely man. He tells me he couldn't sleep much, because they still had much to do around camp, but got a nap, which allowed him some work. The eluvians should arrive at his safe places soon. It sucks that we don't have time to enjoy each other for long, but we spend some time in each other's arms.

 

While we have breakfast we discuss some last details with the scouts and soldiers, and after we're done we continue our way to Ostagar. So far we have no reason to be on foot, so we ride. It's not long before Solas tells me about an artifact, and as we head there I see in the distance what used to be a hut. The artifact is not there, so we decide to check it after activating the object.

The artifact is almost completely hidden beneath a thick bush, I doubt we would've found it if we weren't looking for it. We go back to the ruin but before we approach we see movement inside. Varric slowly investigates and then tells us it's Venatori mercenaries, five of them at least. Damn smugglers. This area is full of these people, how can there be so many? Money, power, that's the answer Varric gives me when I realize I asked that out loud. We approach carefully and engage as always, trying to keep them alive for questioning. It doesn't work. We find a trapdoor and Sera goes in first, after she gives us the clear we head down the ladder. I wish I haven't done it. The place is awful. There are a few mercenaries, and they die quickly, that isn't the problem. The problem is what's in the place aside from them: Redcliffe all over again. They are growing red lyrium from people. I can't stand it, so I go up the ladder and wait until they clean the place.

They try to get my head out of it after they are done, telling jokes that I don't understand or tales from Varric, and I appreciate their help, but it's hard to clear my mind from that awful sight. I'm really thankful for my beach, because if I was free to have normal dreams I'm sure I would have nightmares. I'm surprised when I hear Cassandra trying the lyrics from "You've Got a Friend" and the others join in the chorus. I'm so full of emotions from it that I can't help the tears. "Aw, I love you guys." Their reaction to my words are mixed and we end up laughing in the end.

Before we stop for lunch we come across a small rift, and as much as I doubt this is the cause for the demons, it sure adds to the problem, so we close it. Cassandra says we should reach Ostagar tomorrow night, and I can't wait to be away from this place already. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel after I get to our destination. Our lunch is interrupted by demons, and after we destroy them we try to finish the food before getting on the way.

By the time we finally stop for the night I believe we fought around thirty demons. That is just **too many**. Not even Haven had that many. Well, not when I awoke at least. Whatever is spitting demons is doing it too often. Solas helps me with the mark training and I'm able to close the wound on my arm a little bit. It's such a small change that people would normally say nothing happened, but I can feel it, and it worked. I'm really happy with it and can't wait until I'm able to heal better.

Because he didn't get much sleep last night he is off the watch tonight, and I'm happy to fall asleep in his arms again. We spend the time in the Fade studying and Cassandra wakes us up before the sun is even up. "Demons approaching," she says. This is the first time we've been attacked at night, well, about to be anyway, but I really hoped it would never happen. After we defeat them we don't get back to sleep, it's just one hour until sunrise and we just get ready to have breakfast and move out.

 

The closer we get to our goal the more demons we fight. We didn't come across any more red templars or Venatori, but I guess that's because they also don't want to fight demons. We find two more rifts before we stop for lunch, and Solas helps me again with the mark so I can try healing some more. There is a small progress, and that's really nice. I'm making progress, that is amazing. These little things are enough to make me happy about myself, something I haven't felt in quite a while. I need to practice more... but where's time?

As we continue we fight more and more often, and it starts to remind me of Fallow Mire, but instead of undead it's demons. Before the sun is even down I spot the ruins of tall towers in the distance. Ostagar. It's weird to be here myself. And as we approach I see the massive green light in the middle of the battlefield not very far. God... that rift is huge. Cassandra says we should rest for the night and engage when we're ready, because from the look of things we'll need our full strength. Well, can't argue with that. It's hard to find a spot safe enough to camp, but eventually we do, after clearing an area of demons without alerting any more. Dinner is dried meat with cereal bars so we don't attract any enemies with fire, and that also makes us sleep a bit colder than usual. Not that I could ever be cold entangled in Solas' limbs.

Our time in the Fade is spent with more lessons, and the more I study the more complicated things become. I'm kind of afraid of the difficulty level of Spirit Healing when we get to it. We wake up earlier than usual, but enough to get the necessary rest to act on the threat.

 

Breakfast is just as quick as dinner, and we prepare to approach the place. This will be hard, and very possibly a long battle. You know I don't joke, so you need to understand I'm serious when I say there are over twenty demons swarming the place, and there are enough Fear and Despair demons to make the atmosphere really dreadful. I try to watch the place as I would if this was one of the many tactical games I've played, and with some tips from the others we get to a good plan to choke their attack range while we take out their ranged units. Wraiths aren't very powerful, but they break concentration and can potentially hit hard if the Barrier is down, they need to go away fast.

Terrors are something to keep an eye on at all times, we never know when that damn thing could teleport under us and get us into a really big mess. We have to avoid Fear and Prides for as long as we can, and pay attention to Despair's attack, we can't afford being frozen. Shades should be the first to reach us, and Bull and Blackwall are prepared to fend them off as soon as they get here. Cassandra will pair up with Cole for stragglers and the ones who could try flanking us. Dorian will be the main cannon while Sera and Varric pin them down while they come our way. Solas and I will try to get the battlefield in our favor with crowd control spells.

Things go well, and my desire is to just use that mark ability to suck the demons away from us, but that thing gets me too tired and I can't afford to become weakened so early. Instead I use Veil Strike, which provides the perfect opportunity for Dorian to blast them with fire and Solas with Lightning. And for the first time I see Solas summoning flaming rocks from the Fade. Everything shakes around us and it's a scary and beautiful sight at the same time. I see the surprise in the others' faces, and I wonder if I have that same expression on mine. Unfortunately a Terror escapes, teleporting under Solas, but before it could do anything I manage to freeze it. That gives Solas enough time to move away and break the Terror's legs with that Fade rock spell. I guess it was too strong to simply die with the combo. Varric finishes it off with his bolts and we can focus again on what's ahead of us: Shades, Rages and some remaining Terrors.

Far to the left, the rift starts spitting demons again, adding more Wraiths to the enemies' team. I wonder if we'll ever be able to clear this enough for me to have time to close the rift. By the time the sun is high on the sky we got several scratches and bruises, Cassandra has a bleeding eyebrow and the wound on my arm is open and bleeding again. We managed to get closer to the rift, but we're now fighting the Prides and Fears, who just got reinforcements in the shape of Despairs and Terrors. I'm tired, it's becoming hard to breathe, if we don't end this soon I'm going to faint and it'll have been all for naught.

"Guys, I can't keep going for much longer." I say after another Veil Strike to stop the Terrors. "We need something quick and powerful, I can use that ability with the mark, but I'll be pretty much drained afterwards." And a Fire Pillar destroys them after they're shocked and burned by the other mages.

"Are you sure that's wise, Grace?" Dorian asks while sending a fireball to a Despair who was trying to sneak behind us, only to end up at the pointed end of Cole's daggers.

"If we don't do it I'm pretty sure I'm going to faint before we're able to defeat them all." I say as I move back to restore my Barrier from the attack of a Terror. "Then you'll have to retreat and they'll get demons here again." Varric and Sera's combined attack destroys the creepy demon in front of me, before they're hit by the lightning whips of one of the three Prides, but Solas' Barrier holds.

"Not to say I'm in any better shape," Dorian says before throwing a double fireball at the Despair, who finally dies, and continues "but if you faint after doing it or if it doesn't clear the way it's going to be worse, Grace."

"Got to agree with him, Crystal." Then Varric sends a very well placed grenade into the mouth of a Pride who was taunting Cassandra. I don't linger my eyes to see the outcome.

"I'm running out of arrows, though." Sera says before leaping back and throwing a grenade on the last Terror, who explodes in a green mist as the fiery liquid started to melt its skin.

"Alright, I vote to get this over with." Bull says before separating the head of the Despair demon from its body.

And as they say their opinions we end up deciding on using our best combined abilities together in order to deal maximum damage as quickly as possible so I can get close to the rift to close it. As soon as we give the ready, Solas covers everyone in a Barrier, Bull lets out a **very** scary roar and dashes ahead towards the most injured Pride, followed by Cassandra who throws her hook on the nearby one to try and immobilize it temporarily so the others could land strikes and spells. Cole is extremely efficient against the immobilized one, and Blackwall keeps the third Pride busy until Bull is done with his. The spells we cast on them have to be very carefully placed so we don't risk damaging our allies, and as I cast I try moving towards the rift.

Things are proceeding well until the Fear demons decide to join the battle, summoning their fearlings. What do I see on those things? God I don't even know what those things **are**. They are pale malformed small creatures with empty black eye sockets and no mouth or noses on their long faces, their bodies are worm-like with no legs but they have thin arms with suction cups for hands, and they are **really** fast. The sight of five of those things coming my way creeps me out and I scream as I throw a Pillar on them by reflex. The creatures squirm and then explode in a messy pink goo. I get **so** sick at the sight that I have to control myself not to throw up, and I come **really** close at failing at it.

Bull destroys the Pride demon and rushes towards one of the Fears, while we mages bombard everything with spells. When Blackwall and Cassandra are successful at maneuvering the Prides close enough to the Fears I use the mark ability, trying to send the demons away to Fade or dissolve them, whatever happens first. They are very strong demons, and I'm not surprised that they aren't sent back, but they are clearly weaker, weaker enough that the others can throw several powerful spells on them, but Solas can't use the special Fade attack again because our allies are too close. As expected, using the spell drained me and my vision starts to blur and my hearing is also worse, but I notice the remaining demons are too busy to see me, so I focus all the energy I have left into closing the rift. It's very hard, I fall on my knees, but I do it, and as it closes the demons also are pushed back, taking some sort of damage, and the last thing I see before I lose consciousness is Bull severing the massive head of the last Fear demon on the field.

 

I wake up in a tent, alone. The colors of the sky showing through the tent's flap tell me it's almost sundown. I sit up slowly but still get a headache, and I notice I'm bandaged where I was previously scratched. There are plenty of sore spots, and I wonder how many bruises I actually have. When I walk outside I see we're still in Ostagar, inside one of the multiple destroyed towers. The walls which still stand provide some sort of cover from possible threats.

"How are you feeling?" Solas asks from beside me and I turn to look, finding him sitting on a low rock. I notice Cole standing a few meters away looking out to the horizon, or that at least is what he seems to be doing. Bull is tending to the fire and what I think is going to be our dinner inside a pan. If we have fire then I guess it's safe around. Finally.

"Sore." I say as I walk towards him. "I see everything turned out well."

"Yeah," Bull says, "after the rift closed they died quickly. The others are out there exploring."

"Exploring?" I ask, sitting down beside Solas, who wraps one arm around me. I usually would feel uncomfortable with this kind of public display of affection, but for some reason I don't care anymore.

"Yeah. They think they can find something. I doubt it, though. Place's been ransacked so many times already."

"How do you know?"

"I might have only one eye, Boss, but it's a trained eye." He says with a smirk.

"He is right." Solas says. "Do you want tea?"

"No, I... I think I'm fine."

"It would relieve some of that pain."

"It's not that strong, it's just that it's everywhere. It'll make me sleepy, and I'm already sleepy, maybe I'll have it later."

I want to wait until the others arrive, not to mention I need to eat before I sleep if I don't want to fall sick again. We spend some time in silence, until Bull decides to talk to Solas, and I'm glad the two of them don't argue all the time like before. As long as the topic allows, that is.

 

Cassandra and the others arrive when food is almost ready, and they look awful. I imagine I would too, but I guess Solas cleaned me up with his spell. Lovely man, isn't he? Dorian looks as good as always, and I guess he also used a spell to clean himself, but he can't get rid of the heavy expression of exhaustion. They all greet me, saying it's nice I'm up, and that makes me feel warm inside. Do they really care about me? Am I no longer just the bearer of the mark? Am I their friends?

They tell us of what they found while we eat, and surprisingly they did find something: one of the Veil artifacts in one of the towers. We decide to check it out in the morning before we leave, and I can't wait to leave this place. Solas has first watch, and it sucks that I'll have to fall asleep alone, but I'm so tired that it happens as soon as I close my eyes. I don't go to the Fade, though. Guess I was really too tired.

 


	98. Chapter 98

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way back to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Another chapter! I hope you like it! <3  
> I can't believe this story reached over 4k views, I mean, I didn't think people would be interested enough to read it, and then after 200 kudos I was so surprised so many people actually liked it. And I must say again how much I love the comments <3  
> Thank you very much for your support!

I wake up nested in Solas' arms, and I love it. I can never get enough of it. It sucks that I can't stay longer, because not only I like sleeping beside him, but I'm still sleepy. After a quick breakfast Cassandra takes us to the artifact, and we move out after I activate it. I can't wait to get away from this place. The thought of going to the Kokari Wilds crosses my mind, but I shake it off almost immediately. I don't want to head to a swamp, no matter what kind of things I could find around Flemeth's old place.

 

We are heading back to Skyhold now, and we should stop by the old bandit's fortress we seized in the Hinterlands before we pass by the Crossroads as last stop before Skyhold. Cassandra estimates five days until we're home. Home... who would imagine I would live in a castle and lead so many people. **Me** , who can barely control my own life. I suppose this would've been impossible if I didn't know anything about what's supposed to happen here.

We don't talk much on the way, and when we're almost stopping for lunch we find a small rift, which is quickly closed. Solas helps me with the mark magic before we can eat and I find myself needing a nap again. We find some demons wandering around, possibly some of those who came from the rifts we've already closed, but aside from those encounters the entire way until we stop for the night is uneventful.

 

As we wait for the stew the others talk, and I'm surprised by a song in my head. It's weird to think about this one because I never really listened much to it. I wonder if this is Inspiration's influence. I miss him. When the others fall into silence I start singing it: "Holding back the years... thinking of the fear I've had so long. When somebody hears... listen to the fear that's gone. Strangled by the wishes of pater, hoping for the arms of mater, get to me the sooner or later. I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... Holding back the years... chance for me to escape from all I've known. Holding back the tears... 'cause nothing here has grown. I've wasted all my tears... wasted all those years. Nothing had the chance to be good. Nothing ever could, yeah. Oooo."

"I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... so tight."

"Well I've wasted all my tears, wasted all of those years. And nothing had the chance to be good, 'cause nothing ever could, oooh... Ooooh. I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... I'll keep... holding on... holding... holding... holding... oooh. I said. That's all I have today. That's all I have to say."

"When I think she can't come up with any more suspicious song." Dorian says with a weird expression, and I wonder if this song spoke to him. I think it could speak to everyone here, including myself.

"Just... came to my mind and I sang it. I don't even remember the last time I listened to it."

"It's a... curious song." Cassandra says. They seem somehow awkward with it, and I don't understand why. "Do you feel like singing another one? It's been a while since you sang something."

"Sure... let's see... hmm..." It takes me a while, but I eventually remember another one. I laugh when it comes to me, because this is so hard to sing, without help there's no way I can get it out properly. "Well you done done me and you bet I felt it. I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted. I fell right through the cracks... and now I'm trying to get back... Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my best-est, and nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention... I reckon it's again my turn... to win some or learn some. But I won't hesitate no more, no more... It cannot wait, I'm yooours."

"Well open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you're free. Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love. Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing. We are just one big family, and it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loooved. So I won't hesitate no more, no more... It cannot wait... I'm sure there's no need to complicate... Our time is short. This is our fate, I'm yours... D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do, but do you want to come on. Scooch on over closer dear and I will nibble your ear... Oh oh Oh oh Oh oh Oh oh Hmmmm."

"I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror, and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer, but my breath fogged up the glass, and so I drew a new face and I laughed... I guess what I been saying is there ain't no better reason... to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do... our name is our virtue. But I won't hesitate no more, no more... It cannot wait... I'm yours.

"Well open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you're free, look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours... So please don't please don't please don't. There's no need to complicate. 'Cause our time is short. This, oh this, this is our fate, I'm yoooours." And I take a really deep breath after I'm done. This was **hard**. Thank you very much Inspiration! I see the look of surprise in the others' faces and I wonder what they're thinking.

"Oh I like that one!" Sera says excitedly, and I laugh at her reaction. I guess it is the kind of song someone as cheery as her would like. "D'you have more like that one?"

"I might, but I don't really remember any now. This kind of song is really hard for me." I chuckle.

"Quick paced." Solas says almost as a whisper and I nod.

"I tend to stumble on the words, I bet I only could sing it right because Inspiration helped me."

"Don't spoil it with spirits!" Sera says with disgust heavy on each word.

"It's true, though. And if he hadn't helped me you wouldn't have listened to the song you liked."

"Pff. Whatever."

"I still wonder how you can get help from them without being possessed." Varric says and if I didn't know better I would think it's an idle thought, or simply curiosity, but I know him enough to be sure he is investigating and perhaps plotting for his stories.

"I don't know either. It just happens. They are my friends, they help me."

"It is because of her connection to the Fade being stronger than usual." Solas says calmly.

"And isn't it dangerous?" Bull asks.

"Not at all. It is similar to a conversation between two people. Only one cannot see the other, but they are still able to hear each other to some extent." Fade phone!

"That would explain why I don't feel any change around her." Cassandra says and I can't help a slight smile creeping up my lips. She can't feel it, but Solas always can tell when it happens.

"Is it like Seers from Rivain or the Avvar's Augur?" Varric asks.

"I am not familiar with them to know specifics, however from what I have seen in the Fade, they diverge. Seers and Augurs summon spirits in order to talk to them, the Inquisitor does not need to summon them to benefit from their influence."

"Hmm. Interesting." Bull says and Varric nods.

"Well... another mystery about me." I shrug and take a peek at the pan, then I sit back with a sigh. That's still going to take a while.

"It's rare to see you so expectant for the food." Blackwall says and I shrug. Then I remember I still have one orange and I walk to my pack to get it, and Varric is nice to lend me his knife when he sees what I have in my hand.

"Sometimes it surprises me too, I'm usually not hungry, and even forget to eat. Actually I wish I didn't **need** to eat." I explain while I peel the fruit, enjoying its citrus aroma.

"I love eating." Sera says along with Blackwall and they look at each other before laughing at the coincidence.

"Eating takes time, and I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do as it is." There is just so many things. I sigh.

"The way you say it makes me think you want to do several things at once." Cassandra says.

"And that's true. You know, I don't even remember the last time I drew something. I miss it. And I have so much to learn about magic, and Elvhen, and about how things work, and I have to think about a way to fix the mess we're in, and how I can make things better for the people who need it, and how to deal with _my_ own problems, which aren't a few. **And** I still have many books to read."

"You should take it easy, Inquisitor." Blackwall says.

"Heh, easier to say than to actually do it. At least I can't. Believe me, I've been trying my whole life. There's just... I know I'm not living forever, and I want to do everything I like, but there's just so many things I still need to do. And my health gets in the way, my parents used to get in the way, _I_ used to get in the way..." I take a deep breath. "I don't know how to live my life." I laugh.

"Who needs to _know_ how to live?" Sera asks with a weird face. "You just live it, silly." And she says it like it's so obvious.

"She's right, you know." Varric says with a nod. "You just live a day at time, doing what you can."

"I don't know... to me waking up, doing what needs to be done, eating, sleeping... that's surviving, not living."

"And what's _living_ for you?" Blackwall asks with a focused expression. I take a deep breath.

"Living to me is... doing the things I like." I say while looking at some point in space. I guess that's what I would consider living.

"And why do you need to do it all at once?" Dorian joins the questioning.

"Because I worry I won't be able to do it all I guess."

"Before you die?" The Tevinter insists and I nod.

"But Grace, my dear, if you get stuck like that trying to do so many things at once you won't enjoy any." I shrug.

"I know... it's just... I've been like that for so long now that I don't know how to think differently."

"You're going to break, Crystal." I laugh.

"I'm afraid that already happened."

"Right now what would you like to do?" Blackwall asks and I'm surprised he's so engaged in conversation. He has been avoiding talking to me. Before I can answer though, Cole speaks.

"What is that window with people moving?" He asks with a tilted head. "And it plays music too! It makes you laugh." Oh shit. The others look between the spirit and me and I don't even know what to say. I completely freeze, no words coming out. "Oh, I'm sorry." I try to show him a reassuring smile, but I'm not sure I succeed.

"You want to sneak peak at others? Oh my. What a naughty Herald!" Dorian says then laughs. I'm too shocked to follow that escape route, though.

"I can't really picture her doing that." Bull says with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah I know what you mean, Tiny."

"Well, yeah, she's too boring to like spying others, weirdo must be confusing shite, innit Grace?" I don't know what to say.

"I'm sorry, I tried making them forget but it's not working." Cole says with a sad voice and it breaks my heart, he didn't want to make things bad.

"Don't worry Cole, this is how things should be, you can't fix everything." Maybe this is a test fate has thrown on my lap. I sigh. "Don't worry." I tell him but it could just as well be for myself.

"I'm confused," Cassandra says, "you used to watch people through windows? And you miss that?" I would never miss something like that.

"Not really... I guess what he caught on is my wish for peaceful times. Just sitting and watching, instead of all this craziness."

"Now that sounds more like you." Varric says. "Why did you want us to forget this, Kid?"

"She became uncomfortable." Cole answers in that way of his.

"Anything about her past makes her uncomfortable." Bull says. "If you want, Boss, I could teach you a way of dealing with that."

"It wouldn't involve violence, would it?" I ask already remembering his moment with the Inquisitor.

"How'd you guess?" He seems genuinely surprised.

"Well, you don't talk much, but you beat a lot." He points at me with his finger as if saying 'I see your point.'

"There is another way, but you already have that taken care of." He says with a smirk and I notice the others looking from him to me and I feel like falling into a hole and disappearing. How does he _know_? And as if reading my mind he discreetly points to his nose. Oh fuck.

"Which way is that?" Dorian asks and Solas quickly gives him an answer.

"Studying." And then Dorian nods as if agreeing with him.

"I can see how that might take her mind off things. It sure works with me." The Tevinter adds.

"Well," Cassandra says, "dinner is ready." Yay.

And we eat while talking about what to expect when we return to Skyhold. They think the fortress should be fixed in many areas already, and I hope so. The chaos we left behind when we departed to the Storm Coast is something I'd rather not return to. And I **really** want a fluffy bed to sleep on. Specially one that is behind a locked door. And they better not interrupt me... I need a couple of days of peace. And spending time with Solas, of course. Hell... I still can't believe Bull noticed it after so much trouble to not being obvious about it. They all probably know, that's why they stopped teasing. Urgh... **GOD**.

After I'm done eating Solas helps me with cleaning and we snuggle up to sleep, so we can study some more in the Fade. He leaves me earlier than usual, saying he's going to contact his agents, so I just enjoy the wisps' presence in my beach. I was hoping to find Inspiration here, but he doesn't come to visit. I hope they are all fine.

 

The morning is calm, the wind is nice; it almost makes me forget the world is in shambles. We have breakfast and I enjoy my oatmeal more than usual; I guess two days without it made me crave it. Yes, I love this thing. I wonder if Varric will be able to find me fruits when we're back to the Hinterlands. I miss those berries. After we are done with breakfast we move out, and it's not even one hour later when we come across red templars. I wasn't expecting them around here since we're closing in the Hinterlands and they didn't get in that area in the game. The good thing is that they didn't have strong units with them, so nobody got hurt.

Riding Reast was really weird at first, as it was when I started riding the horse, but as I got used to it I also felt some sort of connection with him. It's somehow like what I used to feel towards my favourite cat, but stronger. This is very weird, I wish I understood it. I see Solas riding Amelan as if they were a single body, and I only hope to be able to do the same soon.

Before we stop for lunch, though, we find smugglers, and I wonder where they're taking their lyrium from. There is no trail to follow, so I only join in with Cassandra in the hopes that the scout's nearby would know something about it. Unfortunately when we get to the camp, they don't know anything. They weren't able to track down the Venatori they've spotted, but at least could reduce their numbers. We update our maps, exchange information and send off messages. This time we also got one from Leliana, informing us about Denerim, saying it was dealt with. I assume that is related to the Venatori person in there. She also says the tests on red lyrium haven't provided any more results, so we should continue to destroy them as we have.

Staying the night in a safe scout's camp means everybody gets to sleep a full night, and it usually would mean I get to be intimate with Solas, but I'm still too tired from that rift. I miss it, but my body is too weak, too sore and begging me to only lay down and sleep. So that's what we do, after some nice kisses. The time in the Fade is spent with the lessons, and the topic this time is so confusing that I thought I couldn't progress past it. Elvhen people really used to be peculiar. Well, guess I'll be able to properly heal Solas and other ancients if it comes to it. Well, _when_ I finally learn how.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> Holding Back the Years - Simply Red  
> I'm Yours - Jason Mraz


	99. Chapter 99

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way back to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Sorry this chapter took a bit long to write, I've been really tired the past few days and had a bit of a problem concentrating.  
> I hope you like it, and that my being tired didn't make it a bad chapter.  
> Thank you for kudos and for commenting <3

Morning is calm, and everyone seems to want to stay longer in their tents. I guess we've been too long walking around; even with the short breaks at the towns this journey has been quite hard. After breakfast we get back on the way; Cassandra thinks we should be able to get to the fortress by nightfall.

The way is surprisingly clear, which makes me think our actions in the past really were enough to stabilize the place. Aside from some animals that we manage to avoid we don't come across any threats or suspicious activities. While we wait for lunch to be ready, Solas helps me with the mark again, and unfortunately there's no progress. I need to try harder.

Not having anything on the way to hinder us allows us to move quickly, and I trust Reast enough to let him run. It's a curious feeling, so much energy running through my blood as the wind hits my face and brushes my hair. Hair which I desperately need to cut, by the way. At some point Solas tells me there is an artifact nearby and we stop so I can activate it. I wonder how many of these things he got spread around the world. I doubt it they're only in Southern Thedas.

 

We reach the fortress when the sky is almost completely dark, some intense reds fading until they mix with the deep blue. As we approach I notice the place has been worked on, and that there are also more people guarding the place. I wonder if this became some sort of base in the Hinterlands. I kind of hope so, it's a good place for one. The scouts and soldiers greet us as we enter the place, and it kind of shocks me to see it clean. Such a nice change. The man in charge comes to talk to us as we dismount at the stables they've built.

He leads us inside and reports on the changes they have done in the fortress, then as we inquire about the situation in the Hinterlands he proceeds to explain: everything is much improved and as safe as it can be. Occasionally there are reports of red templars off to the east, but they have been able to keep them from entering the area. There have been no new rifts or bandits taking residence, and refugees have been seen with more frequency. I'm unsure if that's good or bad news. I mean, if they come here it's because they think it's safe, but if there are more refugees it means there have been recent attacks somewhere. We know about the farms around Lothering, but those surely aren't the only ones if there are so many people running over here.

Before we head each our own way to clean up and gather up for dinner, we send off messages to Skyhold to update them on our progress. Cassandra thinks we should be back home in four days. I really hope it would be sooner.

 

As I soak in the hot water I think how it's good to be in a place that somehow feels like a home; as weird as a fort full of strange soldiers and scouts may be for a home. I usually wouldn't feel good in a place with so many strangers; a few months ago this would have triggered a really bad anxiety reaction in me, but I guess I'm more comfortable by now. And that's great, because you know, as Inquisitor my role makes me be around people all the time. I'm still not great at talking to them, and I honestly don't think I'll be any better soon, but I'm definitely better than I was when I awoke in this world.

Solas didn't want to join me this time, he is outside talking to some scout. I wonder what it's about. I'm all wrinkled when I finally decide to get out of the tub, and I'm glad that the bed has been cleaned and is somewhat soft. I'm lazily laying down when my elf finally steps into the room with a smile. I assume his talk went well. I blow him a kiss and he shakes his head with a chuckle. From this vantage point I can enjoy the view as he removes his clothes. God, I don't think I'll ever tire of seeing him naked. That man is a work of art. Nature sure gave him the best it could when it made him. "Like what you see?" He asks with a sly smile.

"Oh you know I do." I answer with a smirk and with a smile he walks slowly towards the door that leads to the bathroom. When he is at the door he stops and when I think he's going to say something he just closes his mouth again and steps into the room. Hmm. Curious.

I wait for him, since he didn't invite me there and I guess I'm too lazy to get into the water again. Although if he _did_ ask I would probably go. But since he didn't I just wait while hugging the soft pelt that I'll use as blanket. It's funny how even the less comforting of beds can be so amazing when the body is tired, but this pelt could make me fall asleep in seconds. It sucks that an animal had to die so I could make use of it's fur, but still... if it had to happen, and if it already happened, what can I do but to make use of it and don't let its death be in vain?

When Solas finally returns my eyes are half closed, and he looks so cute with a flushed skin. If I wasn't so tired I would jump him, but I'm too tired. I move my arms inviting him into the bed and he shows me such a loving smile that I feel so warm. I really love this man, and I'm so happy that he loves me too that I don't think I could ever feel happiness greater than this. After I can lay my head on the most perfect pillow in the world he hugs me, snuggling up, and with a kiss to my forehead he tells me he'll meet me in the Fade a little late tonight. I guess he has business to take care of. I don't pry about his dealings, though. Sometimes I want to ask him if he needs anything, if he wants to talk about his plans, but I also don't want to push. He has been working alone for too long, and as much as I know he loves me and trusts me, some things require time. And after all this time I still believe that his arms are the best place to fall asleep in.

 

The wisps on my beach are happy, and that makes me happy. I don't have any visitors, and I wonder when they'll come talk to me. I don't even remember the last time Love went through her lessons with me. Honestly I don't even remember the last time I stopped to analyze how I'm feeling. Things have been so hurried, so crazy. I've had so many issues to take care of, and with so many things about to happen that could change everything in the world I just don't know how to simply stop and ask myself how I'm feeling about this, or the problems that so far have been pushed inside and are napping somewhere. I just hope they don't surface at the worst time possible, because I'm sure I won't be able to deal with them then.

I decide to take my time in the beach in a way I haven't done in a really long time: in the water. I walk to the wet area of the sand and wait until the waves hit the shore, wetting my feet. I don't want to get my body wet this time, just this makes me feel a lot better; the cold water on my feet, the salty wind on my face, the sound of the waves in my ear. I always loved the ocean, as much as it scares me with its mysteries and strength. To think that it took me almost dying and being sent to another world to finally be constantly near it is almost a bad joke. It's really weird that the planet that I wasn't born in is the one that makes me feel at home. Don't get me wrong, I love Earth, its nature is amazing, but somehow I never felt at home around the people in my town, or the culture as it was. I always felt like I was born in the wrong century at least, but now it seems I never belonged there. Well, this is silly because if I was there I _was_ supposed to be there. In the universe there are no mistakes, only people make mistakes.

Solas interrupts my thoughts and soon we are at the library so we can go through that book. Before we wake up, though, he tells me he has successfully gotten control of the eluvians Briala had unlocked, and that nobody is suspicious of it. This is amazing news! He should be able to start exploring it soon. I hope we can prevent that mess from Trespasser. Talking about Briala reminds me we should go to Orlais soon, and I still don't know what to do about Halam'shiral. I take the opportunity to discuss this with Solas. "Should I save Celene or let her die? I **hate** her for killing the elves just to try to appease the nobles. Gaspard doesn't like elves but he cares little for the Game... he is a practical man, doesn't try to look good in front of anyone, just does what he wants, says what he wants. I guess I can't trust Celene to make up for her actions in the past, if she did that once for appearances, she could do it again, or even something worse. Gaspard somewhat has his chevalier honor to live by..."

"Gaspard does not like elves. Are you sure he can be controlled as you said?" Solas asks holding my hands.

"It's Orlais... nobody really likes elves there. Celene only likes Briala, and even that could be easily set aside for her throne." I take a deep breath and try to get my thoughts in order. "I think in the end she is a weak ruler. From everything I've seen she doesn't do what her people needs, neither does what **she** wants. She is the Chantry's puppet as much as the nobles' puppet. For a time she was Briala's puppet. Everything she did for the elves she did because Briala whispered to her ears. Then when the nobles got noisy about it she burned the elves alive."

"You sound like you already have your decision."

"If it was up to me I would let her die, Solas. Because that's the only way to get her away from the throne. If I managed to let her live and support Gaspard to be Emperor, they would fall again into another power struggle. But I don't know if I **should** do this. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I have no experience with power, with big decisions. This decision would change the lives of thousands of people. And it's not a game where I could start over."

"You **have** experience with power and important decisions, _my heart_. You saved the mages from the Tevinter Magister, saved Templars, saved people in Haven. You confronted Corypheus and is leading people throughout an investigation." I sigh. That's true. And it feels like so long ago.

"I don't know... you're right, of course... it's just..." I sigh, "it seems like this is so much bigger than the other decisions... and that if I fail..." I take a deep breath, "if I fail so much could go wrong..."

"We will be back at Skyhold soon, use your advisors. Have them search information you can use. Analyze all possibilities." God... that was so obvious, wasn't it?

"Yes." I give him a smile. "You're right. I completely forgot about it. They are also a part of all of this... and they have skills I can use. Thank you, Solas." He kisses my forehead and says:

"You are welcome. Now it is best if we wake up."

"Yeah... we got a long way to go." And with that I wake up, and almost immediately he is hugging me. I love this.

 

The good thing about staying in a camp with decent supplies is food. Breakfast has more stuff for me to eat, including some local berries and I'm happy for it. We don't stay long, leaving almost after everyone is done eating, and head to the Crossroads since there was nothing that needed our attention. The way to the village is uneventful and I must say: Reast loves running. And god... the first time he leaped from a short cliff I thought my heart would jump out of my mouth. That was **so** intense and **everyone** was alarmed and shouted at us. The emotion afterwards was quite thrilling, though. I guess that's what adrenaline does.

When we arrive at the Crossroads I'm surprised by the reconstruction effort. It's been a short time, but people sure put their best at it. In game the place was never worked on, but I can see some huts that had small damage completely fixed and the ones which had suffered more damage still under reconstruction. The amount of refugees increased, but they don't seem as desperate as they were when we first found the place. We don't want to use the village's supplies so we only make use of the safety of the place while we eat from our own supplies. People come talk to us and some thank us for what we've done in the area, tell us how the Inquisition has been helping people reach safety and even supplying them with whatever they need. There are Fereldan soldiers helping keep the place safe and organized as well, and they seem quite comfortable around the Inquisition people. I didn't think they would, considering Teagan is so pissed off in Trespasser with Inquisition influence around Ferelden, but so far they are working together nicely.

 

After Sera, Varric and Cole go about their business in the place, we set off. And Cole had a **lot** of work this time. I saw him jump from people to people so many times, and disappear for over twenty minutes, that I can only imagine how hard this whole situation was being for these people.

Cassandra says that at this rate we should reach Skyhold in three days, but that I should stop encouraging Reast to run if I don't want them to have a heart attack at each leap. This is fun, though. It's a situation I never imagined myself in, because I would usually be too afraid of hurting myself. But I can trust Reast, I'm very sure that he wouldn't do anything if he thought I would be hurt.

We stop for the night by a stream, and it sucks that the water is so cold. I was getting kind of used to bathing in hot water, or cleaning myself at the basin I got for myself, which is heated with magic, but since I wanted to enjoy the stream I would have to deal with the frigid temperature. I don't think the spell Solas taught me would work in running water. Well... what do I want more? The feeling of running water on my skin or hot water? Hmmmm. Such a difficult choice. I end up choosing the stream. And I try the heating spell on a nearby rock, which I'm glad to find out **does** help. It's not the same as a hot bath, but at least the temperature is bearable.

When I return to the camp I'm so sleepy that I don't even feel like eating, but they almost force me to. I know I'm way too skinny, that I'm weak, that I'm probably anaemic, but damn... I really wish I could just sleep. I eat though, and then after quickly cleaning my teeth I fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes. I don't have Solas beside me, but I'm so tired that in the end it didn't make much of a difference. Something weird happens though, something that never happened before. So far I would either go straight to my beach or black out; this time I blacked out, but eventually found my way to my beach. I guess I was too tired, but somehow recovered enough before the night was over.

It's not long after I'm at the beach that I see Solas, and after telling him what happened, which makes him relieved since he was worried, he tells me that my assumption is correct, that I was too tired but recovered. We go to the library and continue my lessons until it's time to wake up. And I have to say: this doesn't seem like it's going to get easier any time soon. This level of anatomy is so complex.

This is unlike us, but I guess we miss each other too much at this point, so we end up enjoying a quick intimate moment before we clean up and leave the tent for breakfast. Why is it unlike us? Because we never do it quickly. We don't have time to stay longer in the tent today yet the desire is too big to ignore. Breakfast is nice enough, and we don't linger, moving out as soon as we're finished.

I think we've never had such peaceful traveling moments like this past few days, and if the dark clouds above us weren't there I would at least be at ease. I really don't want to feel the rain on me again, even if I can't get wet thanks to the spell. At least being able to sprint with Reast will gets us back to Skyhold soon and I'll hopefully be protected from eventual rain. It would be nice to finally enjoy some rain while inside; hearing the drops hitting the roof and smelling the scent of wet soil.

When we stop for lunch Solas helps me some more with the mark training, but once again I don't get any better. It sucks to be stuck; I like progress, I want to get better. But I don't know how. I do everything I'm supposed to do, but nothing improves. The others try to comfort me, saying that mages usually take years to learn what I have in few months, and since the mark is something unknown it's already a miracle that I'm having any progress at all. I know they're right, of course they're right; even if Solas knows how to use the mark I don't, and it reacts differently to me, at this point I bet he is worried the Anchor won't even work as an Anchor anymore. But the lack of progress is something that always annoys me, I **need** to get better at something, _anything_. Well, you got better at riding, Reast can sprint now. Yeah... that's true. Good, I **did** improve at something in the end. Woohoo! I feel better now.

 

We are definitely moving faster than we expected, and Cassandra tells me we could even arrive there tomorrow if we don't encounter anything on the way. That is **so** much faster than I thought it could be. I can't wait to sleep on a bed and not have anybody bothering me for a couple of days. They _would_ do it, wouldn't they? I'm tired, I need to rest, they **need** to leave me alone for a while. I really hope nothing happens that will require my attention any time soon. I know they are preparing for Halam'shiral but still... that wouldn't be so soon, would it?

 


	100. Chapter 100

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party finally returns to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Edit 22.05.2018 - updated version.)
> 
> Hey there! 100 chapters! We're probably at 1/4 of the story now xD  
> Sorry the chapter took long to be here, my mind was working against me again. I hope you like it :)

We make camp for the night and Varric finds a bunch of berries nearby, which gets me in a better mood. I never thought I would be eating so many berries when they told me I would be living in Thedas, and I must say this is one of my favourite things about living here now. Of course being with Solas is my top favourite. Nothing can be better than that. If only it would last forever.

Solas helps me some more with the magic of the mark and **finally** I make some progress. It's still small progress but any progress is good. He also teaches me some more elvhen, and I realize how much I have missed these lessons. If only he could teach me more in Skyhold, but he will have the research of the Ocularum to take care of, and I assume he will start painting the rotunda as well. Not to mention he will probably take time to read the books he's bought. I don't see him spending much time with me once we're back. Well, I'll have a lot of things to take care of too.

While we wait for the food to be ready I lay my head on Solas' shoulder while he holds my hand. I'm glad the others have stopped picking on us and just take their time talking to each other. Sometimes they pull Solas into the conversation but it doesn't turn into arguments anymore. I don't talk much, I'm trying to think about what I have to do when I'm back to Skyhold. There _are_ many things I need to do, and I just don't know how to do them. I need to know how people are behaving in the Inquisition, if they aren't mistreating anybody. I need to know more about our options for the Throne in Halam'shiral. I'm inclined to blackmail Gaspard into being Briala's puppet but the man isn't really a good man and I would hate to put him in power. He loves a war, I don't. Even if Briala can hold his reins for a time that might not be enough time until Solas is ready to act. And there is only so much she'll be able to control him to do without the nobles getting restless again. Damn those racists.

I would also need reports on the Grey Wardens; after all this time they must have found _something_ to follow. Clearly they're up to something in Crestwood and the Inquisition _should_ have been able to find out what. I know what they're doing, who they're searching, but I can't just tell them. There should also be reports on the red templars by now, specially with the amount of Venatori we've encountered and the red templars themselves. Maybe we already have a place to hit.

If the people in Skyhold are mistreating elves and servants then I'll have to do something about it. But how can I act without making it worse or just kicking people off the Inquisition? I could do that, of course, but unfortunately we need people. Which reminds me there are probably spies in there. I still can't count on Bull to search them for me, as he is still loyal to the Qun, and I'm not sure Sera is capable of identifying spies. I wonder if her people have news about the current state of things, because I'm sure if people are being mistreated her people would surely know more than Leliana's. Leliana is the Spymaster, but her focus is outside the Inquisition, not inside it. I'm sure she has people watching everyone, but I doubt they would report on harassment over servants and elves since that is common practice. I made myself quite clear that I didn't want such things to happen, but habits are hard to break, and they possibly think this isn't important to worry about in the current state of chaos the world is in. I disagree of course. One can't have a fair and healthy organization if they mistreat their own people, if they do there **will** be traitors.

I should probably create a score table to control their behavior. Good deeds will be rewarded, bad deeds will amount to some sort of punishment, until they are either sent away from the Inquisition or arrested. I should also think about what to do with prisoners, they shouldn't just be sitting there thinking about revenge or something like that. There should be some form of re-education to try and reconnect them to their good side.

 

I'm still lost in thoughts as I eat, and I don't even pay attention to the food. When I'm ready for bed I find Solas already in the bedroll and I smile at the sight. I crawl over him, peppering him with kisses until I reach his lips. It's not long until he casts the wards and we get busy. When I reach the Fade I'm surprised to finally see my friends. Solas joins me soon, because we should study some more, but as he sees the spirits he simply walks beside me. My visitors are Love, Kindness and Inspiration. Love comes to hug me and congratulate me on my progress; the others smile but don't approach.

"I'm so happy to see you all again." I say with a smile. "Why do I never see you when I'm off to the east?"

"We don't travel much that way," Kindness says, "and it's not like you needed our help." Then she smiles.

"Well, I like your company too, you know?" She laughs.

"You had a much more pleasant company I'm sure." She smirks and I know she means Solas.

"Can't say it's not pleasant." I chuckle and Solas holds my hand. "Oh, I'd like to thank you, Inspiration, for helping me with those songs."

"You got some very different songs in your head." He says as he crosses his arms in front of his chest. "It's a pleasure to get them flowing. Creativity misses you, he's been insisting that I let him go after you."

"Why would he need your permission?"

"He is a young spirit, and too reckless sometimes. He does not understand the threats of venturing alone, he could be corrupted in this chaotic world."

"He will never admit it," Love says, "but Creativity is like a son to him." Inspiration squints and I chuckle, which wins me a frown from him now.

"Spirits don't have children." Inspiration says, serious.

"See." Love says with a smirk and I just shake my head at it with a chuckle. I missed them.

"We have sensed your distress over the events that should happen soon." Kindness says and I sigh. "Don't worry, it's not affecting us, but we want to help you." That's a relief. I know I haven't been the best I can be lately.

"What exactly is the connection between you and Enasa?" Solas finally asks and Kindness looks at him with focus.

"We are her friends. She needs our help and we help her. She provides us with experiences. You know we aren't harming her in any way."

"I know." Solas says, his voice still calm. "I am merely curious about the extent of this connection you all seem to have with her, considering you can feel her almost the way I do."

"We don't know," Love says. "Even Knowledge does not know. She has been searching for answers since she's last been here. At a guess, I'd say she belongs in this world just as we do." What is that supposed to mean?

"What do you mean?" I end up asking.

"I cannot give you details on my suspicions," Love explains, "but I think the fact you came from another world doesn't mean you're an outsider." Well, I guess everyone belongs everywhere in this universe considering we're all god's creatures, but I do feel like I belong here more than I used to back on Earth.

"But how does that relate to you all being able to feel what I feel?" I thought it was normal for spirits, but if Solas asked it it's not that simple then.

"You trust us to help you, and in doing so you opened yourself for us." Inspiration takes over to explain. "It's a two ways link of sorts. You remember how I told you I would not introduce you to Creativity unless you proved yourself worthy, that is the reason." Are we like a cluster? The 'Sense8' kind of cluster? That'd be so... wow. "Your connection to the Fade is strong, and as you allow yourself to receive our help, you connect yourself to us." Like I did with Lust, but Lust _asked_ me to do it.

"Hmm. Interesting. I hope Knowledge finds more information on this, I'm really curious about it all."

"That reminds me," Kindness says, "Curiosity has been very excited to travel with you. He couldn't follow you when you left for the east, but he will probably join you next time."

"Oh, that should be fun." I say with a big smile.

"I know you have lessons to get to," she continues, "so we're not going to keep you long. I have an advice for you, however, and I hope you heed it." That's so... cryptic. Sounds incredibly serious too. "You are walking a dangerous road, one filled with holes and you might fall if you're not careful. Focus your mind on your objective. Don't lose sight of yourself, Grace." I tilt my head.

"What do you mean?"

"You were once warned about falling to rage, you must be careful with your actions, revenge doesn't lead anywhere good, my friend." Well, I know I have anger issues but I didn't realize it was _that_ bad.

"But... I'm not planning any revenge..." Revenge... could she mean the elves of Halam'shiral?

"Just keep it in mind. You are a good person, you have noble goals, don't lose sight of that."

"Alright. Thank you."

"We'll leave you to your lessons now." Love says, then gives me another hug.

"Hope I see you guys soon." I say with a smile and after they say goodbye they disappear. "Well... I wonder what Kindness sees that I don't."

"The Fade allows much to be seen."

"Is that why you like it so much?" I say with a smirk.

"Among other reasons." He brings his hand to caress my cheek and then continues. "We should continue your lessons, come."

And with that we're back at the library, where we stay until it's time to wake up. When morning comes we end up taking some time to enjoy ourselves again. I never thought I would be doing this so much, and specially that I wouldn't get tired of doing it. I'm happy he's as hungry as I am, though. I don't even want to imagine how it would feel like if I was left wanting him while he was unaffected.

We have a quick breakfast and then get back on the road. It feels strange to take a different route through these hills now that we're no longer going to Haven. I wonder how long it'll take me to be used to it. At least Skyhold is our definite home until all of this is over, so I don't need to worry about moving again. I wonder what's going to happen to me after the Exalted Council. I mean, Solas told me I would go with him, but still.

 

We don't stop for lunch, eating our dried meat and what's left of the cereal bars on the mounts. Reast asks me a piece of my bar at some point and I share it with him, he seems to like it a lot. We might make it to Skyhold before nightfall if we sprint through the safest portions of the road. If only we could sprint all the way there, but the road isn't completely done, and since Skyhold is on a much higher spot than Haven was, some portions of the path is just too dangerous to sprint.

 

I see the huge fortress highlighted by the red colors of sundown and it's a very beautiful sight. Before we even reach the bridge I hear the horns signaling we're back. I'm so happy to be home again. Dennet meets us at the courtyard, which has improved its conditions greatly, and I say goodbye to Reast and Amelan. While the others remove their stuff from their horses I see the advisors approaching. They seem to be smiling. I take the time until they get closer to analyze what has changed in the courtyard: the rubble isn't there anymore, neither are the sea of tents. The cobblestone ground seems to be under repairs, and I think that if they're working on this then they're already done with the major reconstruction.

"You've finally returned." Leliana says, bringing my attention to her. "Welcome back, Inquisitor."

"Thank you, it's great to be finally back." I say and then notice the others are fanning out, except for Cassandra and Solas. "Please tell me you've fixed me a bed?" I say with a pleading tone that gets them laughing.

"We have," Josephine says. "A bed and more. I hope you like your bedroom."

"Oooh great. I can't wait to sleep for a week." They seem alarmed at my words and then look to each other, I chuckle. "Not literally of course. But I hope I can rest for a week, these past weeks have been very stressful."

"It was a long, but productive, month." Josephine says but I'm startled. _A month_? God... no wonder I'm so tired. "We should meet in the War Room after you're settled."

"Yeah, we should. I have some things I need to talk to you about. You'll join us, right, Cassandra?" The woman nods. "Good." I grab Solas' hand and he seems surprised, but then relaxes. "Do you know where my room is, Solas?" He seems to take a while to think, but then nods. "Awesome. I know we had a room separated for you but... if you want, you can sleep with me in mine." Cullen has a coughing fit and I'm startled. "Everything alright, Commander?"

"Y-yes, of course, Inquisitor. It was nothing." He is very red and I wonder if it's because of the coughing. I turn my attention back to Solas.

"So?" He has a smirk on and it's so cute.

"I will wait for you in your room." Is all that he says before bringing my hand to his lips and gently kissing it before letting go and walking away. I was enjoying his retreating form but then Leliana brings me from my lewd thoughts.

"I take it you will go to the War Room now?" She has a small smile that I'm sure holds a naughty thought behind it.

"Yes, I want to get this over with before I can disappear into my room for a week." Cullen coughs again. I wonder if he's sick.

"Should I record there is a serious relationship between you and Solas?" Josephine asks as we walk towards the entrance of the fort.

"You should." I'm definitely taken by the Dread Wolf.

"I told you, Josie." Leliana says and Josephine sighs. What's going on?

"I needed to hear it from the Inquisitor's lips, Leliana." The Antivan says a bit defensively.

"What's going on?" I end up asking.

"They didn't believe me when I showed them reports that you and Solas were together." The Spymaster answers.

"It's not a matter of believing, Leliana," Cullen says with a bit of a weird tone, "but we can't believe every rumor."

"It's not a rumor if it comes from my scouts and spies, Commander." The man sighs.

"Is there a problem?" I ask and Cullen clears his throat while Josephine sighs again. Leliana chuckles.

"Your speech when you were named Inquisitor already was shocking to most of the noble houses," Josephine begins, "and now the fact you are together with an apostate elf might make it harder to gather their support."

"Well, I don't want the support of racists either." I run my hand through my hair, trying to tuck the now too long strands behind my ears. "This ball in Halam'shiral will be torture enough." And then we're finally at the corridor leading to the War Room. Oh and the massive hole is there on the wall even though the corridors to get here were completely different.

"It is good you brought this topic, we can start with it." Leliana says as she opens the massive door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking the next week to review and edit(again) the story so far for the mistakes I know are there. I hoped I wouldn't need to but I'll have to. I might work on the other stories when I'm not editing this one, so you may want to check them out?  
> See you soon! <3


	101. Chapter 101

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with advisors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! It's been forever but here it is! <3  
> I'm sorry for the delay, I said I would take a week to fix the mistakes in the story, but then(if you read my other stories you already know) I got sick for that entire week. Then I realized it would take much longer than a week because the story is huge and editing it was very tiring.  
> But hey! Now I can focus on writing and I hope to have a lot of chapters to give you soon because I have many ideas I need to write, and the story still has a long way to go before it's done.  
> I hope you like the chapter :)

I don't believe this meeting will end any time soon, so I get comfortable on the chair. They all sit on theirs and I wait for them to start on what they have on Halam'shiral. I really hate that mission and I think it'll be even worse in person.

"As you know," Josephine begins, "we've been making preparations for the ball. We know that the Empress will be meeting with the usurper Duke Gaspard and Ambassador Briala for peace talks during the festivities."

"The assassin must be hiding within one of these factions." Leliana adds.

"Do you have information on all of them?" I ask.

"Yes. We were able to gather much, but nothing points us towards a most likely culprit." The Spymaster answers. I know who the assassin is, and unfortunately I can't just say it. Whatever information they have might be able to help me decide who the Inquisition will support in the end, though.

"I'd like to see the information on everyone." They look surprised at me. "I trust your conclusion, of course, that's not why I'm asking. I need to know who I'm dealing with when I go there and I think the best way is reading everything you got. Their behaviors, their past actions, alliances, dirty deeds."

"You surprise me, Inquisitor." Leliana says with a smirk and I wonder what's going through her mind. I shrug.

"I know too little of those people, and not knowing things are dangerous, specially there."

"That is true." Josephine says. "There is a lot of information, however."

"We have time until we have to leave, right?"

"Yes. A little over a week." Cullen answers, he seems annoyed at something.

"Then I can go through it. I'm a quick reader."

"As you wish." Leliana finally says. "My agents can get Cullen's soldiers inside the palace, so we'll have backup when we need."

"About that, I think we could use the servants to work with us." They all look at me as if I just said the most stupid thing. "I'm serious. Sera has her network of 'little people', I'm sure she has people inside the palace." Leliana nods in understanding. "Coordinate with her, see if you two can get into an agreement on how to get the servants to play safe and still give us pointers."

"Will do." The Spymaster agrees. "And you should know that rumor has it the servants are torn between doubtful and close to adoration when it comes to your thoughts on elven rights."

"And the nobles?"

"There are those who agree with you," Josephine says, "but they are fewer in numbers. I believe some will attend the ball, but the majority in there will either mock you or antagonize you." I sigh. Well, it's not like I'm expecting a nice welcome anyway. "And I must warn you, you will likely be requested to dance." Shit...

"I don't know how to dance." They look to each other. "Can't you just get me out of the dancing floor?"

"It would be rude to do so." The Ambassador explains. "I know you despise the Game, but that is a big part of Orlais' culture; and we need the nobles' approval for the Inquisition's actions to remain effective."

"They already dislike me for supporting the elves, what can a dance do?"

"Inquisitor," Josephine is quite serious now, "nobles are fickle and easily manipulated if one knows how to pull the strings. Show them you are not a boring barbarian, impress them with your grace and wits and they will follow you, even if it's only for appearances."

"Grace and wits? Me? Look, I might think a lot but I'm completely dumb when it comes to socializing."

"You could use your... friend's help, couldn't you?" Cassandra suggests and I'm actually _very_ surprised she did. Is this the same woman who was panicking about demons a few months ago?

"Inspiration?" She nods. "Well... I could ask him, he'll likely help, but... I'm not sure that would be enough." I look at the others and they seem confused. "Solas said Inspiration can't put words in my mouth, only help forward what's already in me. I know I've said many things I wouldn't normally do, in Val Royeaux and in other few occasions, but this ball is another level of challenge."

"Then we prepare you." Leliana says and I feel like my stomach just fell. "Along with the reports on Gaspard, Briala and Celene I will give you critical information on court behavior and intrigue. Josie, you can find someone to teach her dancing, can't you?"

"I believe we might have just the one already in Skyhold." The Antivan says and I doubt this is a coincidence. I sigh.

"Fine. Whatever helps."

"And we need you to try the preliminary dress." Wait, dress? Josephine continues. "The seamstress has been working on it for a few days based on Lana's old measurement notes, but they likely aren't accurate anymore."

"Yeah, I guess I'm much thinner."

"You do look... sick, Inquisitor." The Ambassador says. "We finally got the herbs Adan needed for your potions; I do not know if he already has them ready however. I will send a message to the cook and ask for nutritious food in all your meals. Is there anything else we can do about your health?"

"I guess the scholars from Val Royeaux haven't found anything new?" She shakes her head with a sad face. Well, it's not like I expected anything, but it would've been nice. "Well, I guess I'll just need time for my body to get stronger again. With the potion it'll definitely improve." If it works on me. "But I think we'll only see signs of improvement in a month or so."

"It is unfortunate we cannot let you stay in Skyhold until you are fully recovered." Cullen says.

"Yeah, duty calls. So, is that all about the ball?"

"We need your approval on a... delicate matter." Josephine says.

"Sure."

"As you know," she continues, "nobles do not hold elves in high regard." I nod. "Our initial thought was to introduce Solas as our Fade Expert," oh, so that's where this is going, "but we realized it might antagonize nobles unnecessarily to present an elven apostate in such a high position." I sigh and rub my temple. "So we intend on introducing him as your... personal servant."

"You know I don't give a damn about nobles' opinions," I see Cullen with a slight smile but the others seem shocked, "but **only** because we need this to work the best we can I'm going to agree with this. Solas might even be able to get information in that position." As he said. "But you know, we're together so won't that be like a scandal for the Inquisition? The Inquisitor and her elven apostate servant?" Cullen coughs again and I'm starting to think he has something against my relationship with Solas.

"It is no secret you favor elves." Leliana says. "Your speech said as much. While it normally would entail a scandal, considering your opinion and involvement on everything elven related so far, making it public that you see no ill in having a serious relationship with a man of lower standing might even garner us more approval after the event is over. Normally a person in power would elevate their lovers to a higher social standing, but showing them you are not held by such social practices might contribute to a better evaluation of your character."

"I see you really thought this through. Alright, I'll talk with him."

"Do you believe he will not be offended?" Cullen asks.

"Offended? Well, Commander, I said in my speech that every role matters; I don't treat anyone differently based on the work they do, and he knows that. So no, I don't think he'll mind." He told me as much anyway.

"So this concludes that part of our meeting." Josephine says after a few seconds of silence. "Next I believe we should talk about the Grey Wardens." I take a deep breath and nod. "So, your reports on your exploration of Ferelden tells us they are in conflict among themselves, and searching for a rogue Warden."

"That's right. We couldn't find who that person is, though."

"We have two major leads," Leliana says. "Crestwood and Southern Orlais. I have scouts paying special attention to Crestwood but we couldn't find a pattern of their movements throughout Orlais yet. Their fortress in the Western Approach, Adamant, seems to be deserted." Deserted? "We haven't attempted to approach or infiltrate, but as far as our observations go, there doesn't seem to be any movement. If they are there, they are hiding inside."

"Yeah, I don't think it's a good idea to try to go in there without more information either."

"In our stay in Crestwood we couldn't find anything on the Wardens, do you believe who they're searching is still there?" Cassandra asks.

"They believe so," Leliana says, "but so far they seem to be following a ghost. Whoever they're searching is good at hiding their tracks."

"What about the Warden-Commander of Ferelden? Any news?" I ask.

"I sent a message to her, but so far she hasn't replied." The Spymaster answers. "Whatever the Wardens are doing I doubt she is involved, though. As you reported, they likely went to Orlais because of Clarel."

"What about Alistair? You two were friends, right?"

"We were. And I couldn't reach him either." I sigh. I guess we do need Hawke for this after all.

"Well, Blackwall doesn't know anything, we don't have any other leads; I guess we have to wait?"

"Unfortunately it seems that way, Inquisitor." Leliana says and I sigh. "But I believe you should know, there are conflicting information on Blackwall." Oh?

"What do you mean?"

"It could be simply a mismatch in reports, which is known to happen when sources are people's memories, but considering we don't know where the Grey Wardens stand in this war, it would be wise to be cautious." God, I hate it when she delays like this.

"About?"

"I had people research about him, as you probably know I do so with everyone," she gives me a pointed look and I'm sure she's pissed she can't find anything on me, "and there are events that don't match. It could be nothing, but it also could mean he is lying about what he did. I will keep looking, but considering you take him with you, you might want to be careful."

"He's been a good addition to our team." Cassandra offers. "He is brave, and has protected us all in many occasions. I admit the man is quiet about himself, but that does not necessarily mean anything bad."

"Cassandra's right." I say. As much as I hate to admit it the man is a good one. Lately at least. "But I'll keep an eye out."

"Solas' background is also highly suspicious, Inquisitor." Leliana adds. "I couldn't yet track the information he has given me. I know you two are close, and you might want to know who exactly you're sharing your life with."

"I trust him, Leliana. But I thank you for your concern."

"Solas has been nothing but helpful and he is always ready to give her whatever she needs to feel better." Cassandra says. "I do not believe him a threat."

"Whatever he is, he is still a mystery to me." The Nightingale says. "And you know how I feel about mysteries." She smiles but that isn't really a nice smile. Creepy woman.

"I hope nobody is treating elves or servants badly?" They look a bit guilty at my question.

"We are trying to control it, but that is an old habit in many people; it might be difficult to change it so quickly." Josephine says and I sigh.

"I was afraid you'd give me that answer. Do you have a list of those people who are mistreating others?" She nods. "Do you have a list of _everyone_ in the Inquisition?" She seems surprised, but nods.

"Of course, Inquisitor. We need to know who joins us; their backgrounds, motives, behaviors. And of course we need to know who is working so we can pay them." Right, of course.

"Great. That makes it much easier." She seems confused. "I've been thinking. There is a way we can speed things a little, I think. If we keep record of every offense, with the victim and offender, and if it happens again, which it likely will, we can keep track of it. I think we should create a disciplinary system, in which we have greater penalties for greater offenses, to the point that someone could be charged for a crime if needed. If I'm not wrong, most people think if they harm an elf it's not considered a crime, we need to change that mindset."

"I'm not sure we have enough people to monitor, Inquisitor." Josephine says.

"It shouldn't be needed. I'm not a believer in the Maker, but you all are, and even those racists are. Mother Giselle is a very charismatic woman, so have her work through people's minds as she says her sermons every day. She already says magic isn't evil, ask her to add good behavior to her sermons. Andraste was a slave, she fought for people, we can't have people in the Inquisition mistreating their own people. We are all one people, we're the Inquisition."

"You sure can give speeches, Inquisitor." Cullen says with a smirk.

"It wasn't intended to sound as one. You see, if we start simple but repeat it often enough it will get into people's minds, their behavior will change. Routine is a powerful tool, as I'm sure you all know. And additionally to the penalties we should have rewards for good behavior. People who often help others should be rewarded."

"I will sketch a system and return to you for approval, it might take a few days, however." The Ambassador says.

"It's alright, we have a lot of work to do; I just don't want this to be overlooked." She nods.

"Dagna is anxious to meet with you, and she even has some runes' schematics she wants your approval to start production." Oh that should be nice!

"Oh, that sounds great! I'll see her tomorrow. Or not, I don't know. Really everyone, can I have two days just for myself?" They look to each other with awkward faces. "I want to relax in my room without interruptions or worries or anything really... I need some peace or I'm going to break."

"I... think we can arrange that." Josephine says and Leliana looks at me with a sly smile.

"Would those two days alone include the presence of an elf?" The Spymaster asks and Cullen coughs again. Definitely something against Solas.

"If he wants to stay there with me, yes. I don't know if he will. He has that Ocullarum research to start after all."

"We have reports of red templars in Orlais," Cullen quickly says, changing the subject, "they seem to be increasing their numbers in the areas of Emprise du Lion and Emerald Graves."

"Your actions in Ferelden helped reduce their numbers there, but so far we couldn't do much in Orlais." Leliana says. "The Civil War doesn't make it easy on our forces and we are limited in our reach. After the ball I believe the conflict among soldiers in the Dales will be solved, so we should be able to move in that area; but there are people calling themselves 'Freemen of the Dales' who might still refuse to submit depending on how the negotiations turn out; they are mostly rebels and deserters-"

"Bandits." Cullen basically spits the word."

"I am trying to get into contact with a man," Leliana continues, "Fairbanks, who seems to be organizing a resistance against these Feemen, but so far my scouts haven't reported on the situation."

"I guess I should go there after the ball then. To help clean the area."

"That would be best, yes." The Spymaster says.

"There are also Venatori going through ruins in the Dales." Cullen adds. "The Civil War there seems to be benefiting them even. There is a great amount of undead as well. We don't know if that is a consequence of the Tevinter mages' actions or rifts."

"And there are many of those." Leliana says and I take a deep breath.

"Oh well, a lot of work ahead." I knew this, but to hear it... I sigh.

"At the moment you should focus on recovering your health," Josephine says. "We have received many donations from nobles and our deals with merchants seem to be improving thanks to Master Tethras. I will arrange everything you need for a faster recovery, and I will make sure nobody bothers you in these two days."

"Oh thank you so much, Josephine." She gives me a nice smile.

"Cassandra, if you do not mind, I'd like you to give us details on your travel with the Inquisitor." The Ambassador continues.

"I could give you those?" I ask, a bit confused.

"We already took much of your time, Inquisitor. You should rest." The Antivan says and I have to say I'm actually happy they take that into consideration.

"They are right, Grace." Cassandra says with a small smile. "Go rest."

"Well, since you insist... I'm going for a bath and I'm not leaving my room anymore!" I laugh. "Would it be too much if I asked food to be delivered there?" Josephine looks at me with a shocked face.

"Of course you will receive your meal in your room, Inquisitor! That was actually my intended plan for the evening." I laugh.

"Well, then thank you very much. I'll see you all in... three days?"

 

I'm shocked as I make my way up the staircase. The place has been greatly improved; renovations must be at top speed. When I get in the bedroom I'm amazed at the sight, it's so _real_. I mean, the large doors and windows letting the wind in are awesome. There are bookshelves just like in the game, a large desk and what seems to be a very comfortable chair. The whole place is covered in carpets and pelts, and I'm loving the feeling of them under my feet. My eyes then spot the bed, and my so handsome elf is there, smirking at me. "I take it you like the room?"

"I do." I say as I make my way towards him. "And I got great news." He takes his hands to my arms and starts caressing them as he pulls me between his legs so I get closer. "I believe we have the room for ourselves for two whole days." His expression is of surprise and then of mischief. "If you want to stay here with me, of course."

"And where else would I prefer to go?" He asks before his mouth finds my jawline.

"Oh I don't know. You might have work to do, or books to read." I gasp as he softly blows on my neck.

"Those could wait two days." He licks the skin and I feel a shock running through my veins.

"Is that so?" I ask with a breathless voice. He hums into my ear before biting the earlobe. "Wanna join me in the bath?" He suddenly stands up, grabbing me while he moves so I yelp as I wrap my legs around his waist.

"Of course." He says before taking my lips with his mouth.

 


	102. Chapter 102*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment alone with Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Heeeey there! :D  
> I bring you today's chapter, and I must warn you that it's completely smut. It's full of feelings and I loved writing it. I hope you like it, but if you don't want to read smut, feel free to skip it.  
> Thank you everyone who comments, it makes me really happy! And I can't believe the story has over 230 kudos and over 4.5k hits. It's awesome to know what I do is appreciated and gives you joy, so thank you all! <3 <3 <3

Solas takes me to the room beside the bed, which instead of being an abandoned closet is a bathroom; with a large bathtub. He summons water and I notice the tub is heating it automatically; I guess there's a rune there. There are shelves filled with vials and I'll check them out another time, right now the only thing I want is to continue kissing his neck while he tries to prepare us a bath. I'm sure it's not easy for him to do so. I don't pay attention to his movements anymore, all I want is to enjoy him, and at some point I smell the amazing scent of strawberry, and I wonder if that's some new oil they bought for me.

Soon his hands are travelling down my body and he whispers in my ear "Clothes need to come off." I suck his neck before allowing him to help me down and he takes a deep breath. Clothing are quickly piled on the floor and he steps into the tub, offering his hand for me to join him; I accept with a mischievous smile and as we lower our bodies into the water the fruit scent envelops me.

"I like this perfume," I say as I position myself close to him. Solas smiles and then pulls me over his body, and I slide onto the comfort of his heat. He is already hard, which doesn't surprise me anymore. I don't allow him inside yet though, I sit on his thigh and start touching his body; washing, teasing, caressing. He does the same to mine, and the sound of water splashing and cascading on us fills the small room.

It's not long until bathing turns into us pleasuring each other; his fingers slide inside my slick folds and my hand rubs his pulsing member. We spend some time kissing while our hands work, even though it's not so easy to do so. I'm surprised when he stands up. "Let us go to the bed." He says while stepping out of the tub, drying himself with a spell afterwards. I get out and let him dry me too, and the tingling from the spell makes me shiver.

Solas pulls me close and wraps his arms around me, his mouth finding mine and sucking my lips. Soon he picks me up again, this time as a bride, and walks to the bed, where he gently places me. I try to pull him with me but he doesn't let me, he chuckles and walks towards the end of the bed. I move to the center and watch him as he stands there; dimmed sunlight highlighting him against the open door. He's so beautiful, so perfect, and right now he looks like an angel. "You are so beautiful." We say at the same time, which makes us both laugh. " _I love you_." And once again we say it at the same time, and his surprised face, which I bet mirrors mine, makes me smile, and I see him doing the same.

He climbs on the bed with a smirk. My legs are closed and my thighs tight together, one knee slightly bent. As he moves closer, my body becomes hotter with anticipation; the memory from our night in Denerim making me swallow thickly. "I hope you locked the door," he says still smirking.

"I did." I notice I'm a bit breathless. I haven't realized how much I waited for this moment. We have been making love in the tent whenever we could, but being finally alone with nobody to bother us for days makes me really look forward to this in a way I didn't expect. It's almost like our first time all over again. His lips touch my legs, and he kisses and licks his way up to my knee while his hand rubs along. "There is dinner coming up later but we should have some time."

"Good." Is all he says before he gently spreads my legs and moves closer, his hands on top of both my thighs. He runs his lips and tongue over the sensitive area of my legs and it becomes harder to breathe. Through all this time together he sure found all the spots to make me crazy. He takes his time, and honestly I'm in no rush either. I waited so long to finally have a calm moment with him that I really want to just enjoy it. It's still a little maddening to be teased, but I can't say I don't like it.

After a few minutes of caresses and kisses, his mouth finds my mound and slowly he licks the area until he's down between my nether lips. My breathing that was already loud and ragged now turns into moans and I can't help grabbing the sheets under my hands. He parts me gently with his hands and I feel a finger slipping inside slowly as his tongue licks carefully at my clit. He's much more patient tonight, and it's hard to control myself. He knows all the right ways to touch me, and he does: a finger rubs inside the folds while another slides in and out of me, teasing me slowly as his tongue flicks on my throbbing nub. I'm loud now, I know that, and I'm really glad he cast his wards; with these large open doors I'm sure people could hear me without them. As I near the climax he stops and looks at me, I can't even describe what I feel as I look at his face. He is flushed, smiling, his lips are glistening and his eyes are so intense. Still holding my gaze he lowers his mouth to my sex again, and it's an image I'm sure I'm going to have burned into my mind for days. I gasp when he touches me with his tongue again, and I can't help closing my eyes as he slides two fingers inside me; but I soon open them again, finding him still looking at me. When the orgasm hits I fall back on the bed, trembling as the shocks travel through my body; my legs tighten around his shoulders before I feel him moving over me.

He kisses and rubs my body as he moves, only stopping a little to tease my breasts. I touch his shoulders and his neck, feeling his smooth skin so hot. I want to feel him close against my chest, to hug him tight and kiss him, but he seems to really be enjoying his teasing. I confess it's a bit hard to think in this conditions, and often what crosses my mind are whispers of words that I'm not brave enough to tell him yet. Compliments and lewd encouragements that would mortify me if he knew.

When his mouth reaches my neck my vision is already dark with pleasure, my body is burning and desperate for him. The more he teases, the more I melt. I embrace him and feel his arms wrapping around me too, one hand caressing my face while his intense blue eyes seem to pierce me straight to my soul, burning me with how much he desires and loves me; his other hand rubs the side of my body, from my shoulder to my waist, then to my hips. I'm dazed, completely lost into his gaze; my lips slightly parted so I can try to breathe a little better; my heart hammering inside my chest makes me feel like I'm going to burst at any second. I caress his scalp and neck, wanting badly to feel his lips on mine, but at the same time unwilling to break the connection formed as we look into each other's eyes.

Soon I feel his hand sliding down to my thigh and moving it up as well as spreading it a little further. I know what will come next and I can't wait for it. My breathing intensifies and I notice his does too. He licks his lips and the movement finally takes my attention from his gaze. His lips are red, slightly parted and call for me. "Enasa." As the words come out of his mouth, my eyes snap back at his, and then I feel him so hard against my entrance. I gasp still lost in his gaze, and as he pushes inside I mewl and tighten my legs a little around his. His mouth opens a little more and he lets out a delicious sound, and at the second he is unable to keep his eye open because of the pleasure I throw myself at his lips. He answers in kind, devouring me, and one of my hands travel down to his back so I can keep him close while he moves inside me.

Solas' pace is slower than usual, and he also doesn't pull out as much; making us feel more of each other for longer. He breaks our kiss to look at me again, and the sight of him makes my heart jump with feelings. There is just so much emotion in his expression, and he doesn't stop his slow thrusting as he once again locks an intense gaze with me. This is a new experience for me, making love to him in this way, even our connection seems much stronger now. I never thought eyes could hold and create such power. We have time, we have privacy, we have only each other to think about in this moment. His thumb on my cheek caresses me while he pulls me gently to kiss me again. It's slower this time, less demanding; we enjoy our lips and tongue doing this slow dance while his hips push and pull at the same slow pace.

Kissing is still labored while we're connected, but we seem to be unable to part. The pleasure builds, even slow it's so powerful and we're breathing hard while our lips suck and our tongues caress one another. My legs rub against his while my hands do the same against his neck and back; his arm still envelops me from under my back, keeping us flushed against each other while the other holding my face still manages to caress me. I don't know how he can have such control, to me is already too hard to keep sane.

He fills me so completely, both in body and spirit; this moment is so intense and I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. My love for him is in every pore, I'm sure; and I can feel his love for me. I can say with certainty that he loves me, and there's no bigger happiness I could ever achieve. Our auras mingle and I feel magic flowing all around us, intensifying everything I feel. It's not long before I feel his magic caressing my skin too, flowing with the rhythm of his thrusts; it's a tingling that sends pleasure streaming in my veins. We're so hot, our hearts beat so fast, his ragged breathing against my lips make me want him more and I can't help the mewling that leave me as the pleasure intensifies. The way he slides inside me while we're like this... is perfection.

At some point kissing is just too difficult, and we part. His mouth moves languidly around my face, peppering me with kisses between breaths; I realize I started pushing my nails against him when I feel his lips on my jawline, nibbling the skin while he travels to my ear. " _I love you,_ " he says before grabbing the earlobe with his teeth. I try to tell him I love him too, but my mouth doesn't seem to work with words at the moment. I'm sure he can still feel my feelings, so I try to concentrate the rest of my focus into making it clear to him through this new connection we have. He turns his hips a little, and I can feel him rubbing so perfectly against my clit while he thrusts that I start getting louder again. His pace is a little faster than before, but he still doesn't move much; I don't know why he decided to stay mostly inside this time, but it's amazing.

Soon the pleasure is too much, I know I'm really close and I know he is too. I can feel him pulsing inside me, he is also much bigger now. Our breathing is more labored, he makes delicious noises while he licks and sucks around my neck. Then he does what he knows will push me into bliss, he bites my neck along with a powerful thrust that rubs all the right places. I cry out in pleasure, and I feel the moment he spills his seed inside me, filling me. I really love this, but even though I want to kiss him I can't stop trembling and moaning while I push my nails hard against his back. His lips find mine all the same, and at the beginning it's hard to kiss him back, but eventually I do. And as we calm down we embrace each other while our mouths work.

I feel him turning us, and I'm a little sad to feel him slipping out of me, but thrilled to feel his seed dripping out too. The room smells like sex, smells like us; and I just hope the cold breeze doesn't tell anyone of what we just did. We're still kissing, our hands still caressing each other's bodies slowly. I snuggle into the comfort of his body, feeling a little chilled after everything. After what feels like long minutes we part, and I look at him to find him with the most peaceful expression I've ever seen, and there is just so much emotion there too. I take my hand to cup his cheek, caressing him with my thumb while I give him a smile. " _I love you_ ," I say; my voice rough and slow. He lets out a breath through his lips and smiles back at me, just before he pulls me tight against him. I don't know what kind of thoughts is going through his mind, I don't know why he wants me so close at this moment, but I like this, and I enjoy it, holding him tight too and closing my eyes to feel his scent, his heat, his breathing.

 

I don't know when it happened, but it seems I fell asleep and curiously haven't gone to the Fade. I open my eyes to see my lovely elf still beside me, but he is clothed. He gives me a smile before he greets me. " _Sleep well_?" I pull myself closer to him so I can hug him and place a swift kiss on his lips.

"I didn't plan on sleeping, _I'm sorry_." He chuckles at my words.

"You were tired, and you needed the rest." His hand finds its way to my face, tucking a few strands of hair behind my ears. "Dinner has already been delivered, we can eat whenever you want."

"Well... I guess I'm hungry." I laugh. "Solas..." I look at the dark sky outside while I gather the courage to tell him the next words. "That was... amazing. I guess now I really know what the words 'making love' means." He chuckles and I give him a shy smile.

"I... thought we could take our time." He looks so loving, his voice is so soft. I find myself kissing him again, this time a deeper kiss; but it doesn't last long. "Come eat."

Solas stands, and I lazily sit up. When I feel the soft furs under my feet I see him with a robe in hands, open and ready for me to slip my arms inside. I give him a big smile; that looks so fluffy and comfortable. "I see you like it," he says with a smile. "You might want to thank the Ambassador. Your armoire is filled with delicate and soft clothing, I must admit she chose them well."

"It's... wow... great, really." I say as I get inside the robe. When I was about to tie it at my waist I find Solas' hands there, and he hugs me from behind while he ties the knot. I look at him and I'm surprised by a quick kiss, that makes us both laugh. "I love you, Solas. You're... everything to me, you're just... amazing." His expression softens and then he turns me to kiss me again. It's a slow and I dare say worshipping kiss, and I can feel our feelings flowing freely again. I don't know what would be of me without this man in my life.

"Come eat before I cannot restrain myself any longer and take you to bed." I laugh and then whisper into his ear.

"I can't wait to be back there with you, and against every surface of this room." I chuckle, but as I stand straight again I see that my words seem to have affected him, and to realize that makes _me_ affected by them. That would sure be a great way to spend the two days alone.

 


	103. Chapter 103

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting things moving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! :D  
> I hope you like it! :3

Two days of peace pass too fast. It still feels like it was hours ago that I just entered this room. I have to say they were the best moments of my life so far. What can be better than spending the entire day beside Solas? With no interruption? And the food was great too, Josephine really delivered improvement. There were many kinds of fruits, pastries, even fish! My time in the Fade was spent with Solas as well, studying of course because time is still a resource we don't have to waste. I feel like I've said this so many times and things still haven't happened, but... the wisps' energy are much stronger now. Will they change soon?

Right now I'm sitting at my desk, going through piles and piles of documents about Orlais' politics and etiquette. I'm bored out of my mind, and really annoyed that I have to do this, but this is important, it's something that can save lives, and if I must be the one responsible for such a crucial task, then I'll do it properly. So I try to focus. Solas was here in the room until an hour ago or something, but because I couldn't focus with him reading on the couch he left for the rotunda. I have a pitcher and a cup filled with tea, hoping that it'll help me through this.

I plan on going through Skyhold's buildings after lunch, so I can check on that potion, on new equipment, on Dagna and so many other things. Josephine sent a message also requesting a meeting with me, and I'm a little anxious about what it could be. Would it be about the dress? Or maybe the dance lessons? I sigh. I have to focus on these damn papers. I reach for the Fade, asking Purpose to help me out here; it takes a while, but he answers. Thank you very much, my friend; now I just might get this into my head.

 

When it's time for lunch I'm so focused into the papers that it takes me a moment to realize someone is knocking at the door. I thank Purpose once again for his help and make my way to answer whoever wants my attention. It's a messenger, telling me Josephine is inviting me for lunch with her so we can discuss what she needs to. Well, I was planning on having lunch with the party but... it might be better to have this over with already. I thank him and before I can even close the door to make my way to her office the messenger is already half way down the stairs. I wonder how these people can be so quick.

 

"Come in, Inquisitor." Josephine's voice tells me from behind a bookshelf. I wonder what she's doing over there. Her office is of decent size, and has a large window which is currently closed. There are many bookshelves and a large one divides the ambient to what would be her private library; which is where she is now.

"You wanted to meet with me?" I ask as I sit at the small round table by the window. I lift the curtain a little to peek outside and see it's a beautiful day, cloudy but not the kind that precedes a storm.

"I do, yes. Just a moment." And a few seconds later she comes out to sit with me. "I am sorry, I had some books to organize. You look much better, I believe the past two days have been good for you." I can't help a snicker, which surprises her.

"Yes, they were. Too short too, though. A week would've been better but I don't have that luxury." She gives me an apologetic smile.

"I hope things calm down in the future so you can properly rest."

"That would be great." But I know it's very unlikely. A knock on the door, followed by the Ambassador's voice urging the person inside, reveals a servant bringing a tray with food. There are chopped fruits on a bowl, a plate with tiny pastries and two plates with meat, some steamed cereal and what looks like mashed potato.

"I called you here to discuss a few things." She says as she starts cutting into the meat. I pick some of the cereal to try it and it tastes a little like chickpeas. I like it. "Do you have time to try the dress later?"

"I have to check on some places and people, but I guess I can squeeze it in." I say with a smirk. It's so weird to have this kind of life. "When do you want me to meet with the seamstress?"

"Would it be too soon to meet with her after this meal?" So fast.

"Well, I guess it's fine." She opens a large smile.

"Great, then I will accompany you there after we're finished. I really hope you like the design we have chosen for you." I thought we would all be wearing the same uniform, I'm actually curious.

"I admit I'm curious." She chuckles.

"Good thing you will not be for much longer." She eats some more of her food before continuing. "There is also the matter of your dancing lessons. I have already scheduled a time for you and I hope you agree."

"If I don't would you change it?" I chuckle at her expression, she seems really surprised at my words, and a little... guilty? I'm just messing with her and she's worried.

"Well... I would have to try a more suitable time, of course..."

"Let's hope you don't have to do that. So, what's the time?"

"After breakfast." She answers tentatively. Well, that's actually a good time. I thought she would have me waking up before dawn.

"Oh no worries then, that's a good time for me." She gives me a relieved smile then.

"And you start tomorrow, I will have a servant take you to the room since it is a bit out of the way."

"Sure."

"And there is also a sensitive matter I have to discuss with you." Oh no, what is it? "I'm sure you know that as Inquisitor many responsibilities fall on you." Oh shit. "Judging the fate of criminals being one of them. If they survived their first encounter with you." Or not, in case of Florianne.

"Oh..." I completely forgot about this.

"Ferelden has acknowledged your aid and has given us the right to judge Gereon Alexius and the former Mayor of Crestwood."

"Why?" She seems confused at my questioning.

" _Why?_ " She repeats.

"Why would they do that? It's their territory, their responsibility. We showed them the bad people, why do they want us to judge them too?" And she's still confused.

"This is actually an honor, Inquisitor. And it shows people the power the Inquisition has over the land." I sigh.

"Right... power, influence... when... when do you want me to judge these people?"

"In five days. It will be Sunday and mostly everyone will be able to attend." I take a deep breath.

"Oh well... if I must be the one to do it... I'll try to do it right."

"We don't expect anything else from you." She says with a smile.

"So uh... I would like to know more about you. We never really got to talk before."

"Oh? There isn't much to say. I'm afraid my life is not very exciting." I chuckle.

"And since when someone needs to have an exciting life to be a friend?" God damn these social skills... "I uh... think we've been in this mess for a really long time now, and because of all the travelling around I don't know anything about any of you, except Cassandra but that's because she comes with me. You have... interviewed me before so you have a big advantage on me."

"Of course." She gives me a smile. "What do you want to know?"

"Uh... I don't know if you've noticed but I'm _really_ bad at conversations... I don't really know how to come up with topics."

"Alright, let me see what I can give you out of the top of my mind... I was Court Ambassador from Antiva to Orlais. I believe I met Leliana in Val Royeaux some years ago -we moved through similar circles in Orlais; she was quite an accomplished player of the Game. We became friends and when it was time for the Inquisition she invited me; and I must admit it has been as interesting as she promised me."

"So you like being with us?"

"Oh I do! Of course sometimes it can be difficult but that only makes it more rewarding when we succeed. Diplomatic relations is just another battle the Inquisition has to win on a daily basis." I would hate that job.

"I'm glad you like your job, I couldn't do it." She chuckles.

We continue talking until we're done eating. It's quite clunky at first; I'm too shy to open myself and get the words flowing, but as she helps me get the conversation moving we find ourselves discussing our tastes in clothing, food, music, books. I'm not really surprised to find out she also likes Swords and Shields and often has discussions with Cassandra about it. What surprises me is to find out Leliana is included there. I mean, I know Leliana is open among friends, but I can't bring myself to see the woman as anything else than a murderous devil. I still have a long way to go to get my relationship with the Spymaster in good terms.

 

The seamstress has a shop for herself in one of the many buildings around the castle, and I'm surprised to see so many different types of fabric in shelves. The woman is Orlesian, and that doesn't surprise me at all; neither does the fact she wears a mask. At least it's a beautiful one. After greetings she takes us to a back room where I can change clothes and she presents to me the dress I'm wearing at the ball. It's not the kind of 'dress' I hoped to see. It's the kind the Inquisition wears at the ball. Well, almost. It's long, deep red with light brown details. The pants are tight and dark brown. The sash has been altered, it's now a scarf they want me to wear wrapped around the shoulders. There are no boots to try at the moment. I need a mirror.

There's actually little to adjust; it's most tightening because I've lost weight since I last had my measurements taken. I tell them I want to look myself in the mirror, which is in the other room, but they don't let me. They tell me I should only see the completed product. That leads me to wonder why I don't have a mirror in my room either. When I leave the shop with Josephine I ask her, and her answer is shocking. "We did not want you to feel bad about your current appearance." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? _How_ do I look? "We were going to give you a mirror after you recovered a little." Damn, I must be looking terrible, and it worries me.

"Josephine, now I'm really worried. I don't care what I look like, give me the damn mirror." She looks surprised at me, but nods.

"As you wish, Inquisitor. I will see that it is installed until the end of the day."

"Thank you, and... please call me Grace. We're in this mess together, I don't want titles between us." She gives me a sympathetic smile.

"If that would make you feel better, I will call you by your name when there are no strangers around. In those situations it is better to be professional."

"Sure... posturing and all that." I take a deep breath while looking around; the street that surrounds the castle looks really good, and many buildings have been fixed. "I'll... go see those things I have to take care of. See you later."

"Of course." She nods and we part ways. My next stop: the harts.

 

I make my way to the stables and I'm surprised to see the fields clean and grassy. So many things changed in a month. The harts are together, sunbathing, and I approach. When they hear me their ears twitch and I smile; soon they get up to greet me. I spend some time there, talking to both of them and brushing their fur. I can't stay long because I still have much to do, so I tell them goodbye and make my way to Adan so I can get the potion.

The Apothecary isn't far from my current place, so I get there quickly. Adan's new shop is quite the improvement. I notice the front of the place is the shop itself, but there are doors leading elsewhere. When he comes talk to me I ask about it and he tells me one of the doors lead upstairs to his house, and the other to the lab, where three Tranquils have been stationed to help him with supplies for the Inquisition. And talking about supplies, he now has everything he needs, and he has enough of my potion for this week. He'll be preparing more so I have enough for when I have to leave. My orders are to take a dosage of the vial every two days for three weeks, then stop for six days and start taking it again. It's pretty similar to the rules for pills so I guess it should have similar effects too. I'll need to take notes or I'm sure I'll mess up the days, though. I take the first dosage and the taste is awful, but as long as it works I don't care.

I make my way out and head to the smithy, where I can thank Lana for the great work with my armor back in Haven. She's surprised that I stopped by just to do that, and she tells me I'll be in good hands with Harritt. And to Harrit I go afterwards. I hope Dagna is there with him.

The excited dwarf is there, and she almost jumps when she sees me. After introductions and a lengthy conversation about the mark and what else she's heard before and after she joined the Inquisition, she tells me about the runes. There are five Tranquils working down here at the Undercroft helping her with research and prototypes, some of which require runes to work. I give her permission to experiment with everything and anything that would be safe to work with. If we have the resources, she can use her mind to do anything. I ask her to develop a plumbing system in the castle, considering we have a waterfall right there we could redirect some of that water to a storage above the place so we can distribute to the areas where water is most used. She says she was already thinking about something like that, and shows me a schematic of pipes crossing most of the castle. Such a bright mind this girl has. I know I had something I wanted to ask her to make, but it completely disappeared from my memory. Well, another time.

I introduce myself to Harritt, and he is quite grumpy. I wonder why the Inquisition attracts grumpy people. I let him update my measurements so he can get started on a new set of armor and he is also surprised that I would prefer elven-like armor. Dagna gets in the conversation and says she can enchant it and asks me what kind of enchantment I would prefer. I tell her to focus on protection, the best protection she can come up with because I can't be healed. She's surprised to hear me confirm what she has already heard, and says she'll do her best.

 

Whatever I wanted to take care of today I think I forgot part of it. I really need a notebook. I decide to stop at the rotunda and check on Solas, and I'm not surprised to find him analyzing the walls. "Thinking about redecorating?" I ask and he turns to me with a smile.

"The walls could use some color." I chuckle.

"Indeed. I'm looking forward to see what you come up with." I look at the massive book on his table. "Any luck with that?"

"It seems to be about ancient elven locks. If it is what I suspect, should the Inquisition decide on pursuing it, it will be... problematic." Heh... tell me about it.

"Problematic?" I ask just to be sure he's talking about what I think he is.

"In my journeys in the Fade I once came across a door which required several shards to be opened. Such shards had been scattered throughout the land in order to halt people who would try to enter such places."

"And the Ocullarum reveals those shards." His eyes become larger, but then he tilts his head and nods.

"Well... see what else you can find about it, some things are better left alone." He nods and then looks up, I follow his gaze and notice there are many people up on the library. "I... guess I'll go back to my studies... damn Orlesians, couldn't they behave like normal people?" He chuckles and then I feel a light tingling on my cheek, that I realize is actually his magic caressing me. I give him a smile. "I'll see you for dinner?"

"Of course." And with that I make my way back to my room. I can talk to the others tomorrow... I need to get this burned into my mind before I can move to the papers on Celene, Briala and Gaspard.

I ask Purpose for help once again and concentrate on the papers about politics and etiquette until it's time for dinner.

 


	104. Chapter 104

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> This chapter was eating at me to be written for over a month, and now it's finally here. I apologize if it's heavy but I felt like it had to be done.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> miscarriage

My plan was to study until dinner, but it seems my body had other plans. I could study until it was around five in the afternoon, then I started getting dizzy and nauseous. Maybe it was lunch? Whatever caused it, I can't concentrate anymore. I go to bed and lay down, expecting the sick feeling to pass in a few minutes. One hour later and I was only getting worse, now my belly was even starting to hurt. It's too early for period again... isn't it? I don't think my body can take periods in such short time... last time this happened I had medicine to balance my vitamin levels. About thirty minutes later I have to run out of bed to find a place to puke. I'm still crouched by the bucket when I hear the knock on the door. "Inquisitor, are you there?" An unknown voice calls. I try to stand but everything spins.

"In here!" I manage to speak. I left the door unlocked thankfully, maybe this person can help me? Call a healer maybe? Although I doubt something would work... I'm cursed to being unable to be healed. Wait... maybe this is side effect of the potion? Shit...

I hear more footsteps than one person would make, there are... two people? "Inquisitor?" The voice calls once more. When I'm going to answer I have to vomit again. I hear someone approaching then a gasp. "Inquisitor! Salin go call a healer, she's sick!" I take a deep breath and then look at the person by the door with some difficulty. She's an elven servant by the uniform. It's a nice uniform. I hope she's being well paid. "What's wrong, Inquisitor? How can I help?"

"I-" I vomit again. Shit. "I don't know..."

She approaches. "Can you stand?" I shake my head. "Someone should be here soon. Do you want some water?" Water would be nice but it also might give my stomach something else to reject.

"No... thank you."

"We were bringing you the mirror." She says after a few minutes and I imagine she's trying to fill silence. "My name is Nira." I was going to reply but then I have to puke again. I feel my consciousness slipping away as something drips down from me.

 

I wake up in bed to find Solas under my head. "Hey." I say weakly.

"You scared us all." He says with a worried voice. I take a deep breath as I close my eyes; I'm still sick and my stomach is sore. There are cramps in my lower belly and I feel the weird presence of rags in my panties. I notice I'm not wearing the same clothes.

"What... happened after I passed out?"

"I am afraid there is something I must tell you, Inquisitor." I'm startled at the strange voice. I turn my head to find a woman sitting on the couch. She's wearing mage's robes. "I'm the lead healer among the mages you've rescued from Redcliffe. My name is Petrice."

"Uh... pleasure to meet you. Do you... know what is happening to me?" She takes a deep breath then stands up, and as she calmly approaches the bed I try to sit up. Solas helps me but I end up reclining on him. That's the most I can do right now.

"I do. And your questioning leads me to believe this was not on purpose."

"What wasn't?"

"Did you know you were with child?" Wait what?

"What?" I feel Solas freezing under me.

"As a healer in the Circle many times I would see girls going through this. But they usually would do it on purpose; as you can imagine, life in a Circle doesn't fit a baby."

"Are you saying I was pregnant? Wait, was? Was? Like, not anymore? Wait... I'm confused."

"What you are going through are the effects of miscarriage induced by the preventative potion. I'm sorry to tell you but you have lost your child."

"This is a joke, right? A bad one. How can I even be carrying a child in the first place?" I try to turn at Solas but I can't. "Solas... you used wards, right?"

"I did."

"Could it be like healing and just not work on me?"

"It could... and I did not want to take that chance, so I cast it on myself to be sure."

"Then... how...?"

"Are you sure of this, Petrice?" Solas asks the woman and I see her nod before confirming.

"Unfortunately. The vomiting, the bleeding, those are clear symptoms of it." Solas holds me tighter, and my head still can't really process the information.

"If... if you cast it... then... how...? Oh... could..." I've read once about precum being enough to impregnate women, and that time in the bathtub we almost forgot the wards... "The bathtub in Denerim..." oh... oh god... "Oh god... I..." I lost his child... my child... "I... I killed our child..."

I feel like everything disappeared and I'm falling, I can't even feel Solas' with me anymore. I feel cold and heavy, voices are distant and I can't make sense of them. I never thought this would happen, that I would carry his child. This never crossed my mind. I never thought I would be a mother. When Cassandra would talk about it I always thought she was crazy. And now... I was going to be the mother of the child of the man I love. And I killed it. After so much happiness... why god? **Why?**

Can Solas forgive me? He doesn't have anyone and he was going to be a father... A kid from his own blood. Someone who could have stayed with him after I was gone. I feel hot tears streaming down my face; hot but not enough to warm the cold and heavy body I have right now. He'll hate me, won't he? Whenever he looks at me from now on he'll remember I killed his child. Can **I** forgive myself? I never wanted kids but I would never interrupt a pregnancy either... a life is a life, unexpected or not... This makes me remember a dream I had once back on Earth. I didn't take it seriously, because why would I? An old and mysterious woman told me in that dream that I would miscarry my first child... Could that have been a true warning? Oh god... but why? Why give me a child to carry only to let me lose it this way?

I feel a warm energy trying to reach me, but it's so faint, and I'm so deep in this darkness. There wasn't any sign that I was with child, how could have I known? I was looking forward to that potion for so long that I didn't even think twice. But why would I? We were doing it with wards to prevent a pregnancy. Why would my stupid body decide that it would hold onto that sperm? Why was that sperm so eager to fertilize the egg? Why god? Why do this? Is this a trial? Is this supposed to teach me anything? Is it just another layer of my suffering? Was I being too happy in this new life? The tears are stronger and my chest is so tight. There's so much pain.

The warmth is insistent and tries to break through. I want to hold onto it, but I feel so guilty. I want to apologize to him... but how can I ever apologize to someone whose child I've killed? How can I look into his eyes, those beautiful and intense eyes, and tell him that I'm not giving him a baby anymore? A baby I didn't even know I was carrying... Oh Solas... A baby I'll never hold in my arms. It would have been such a cute baby wouldn't it? Coming from him it would only be adorable. I can't... I can't look at him... I can't even live with myself at the moment... I killed my own baby.

I hear a faint voice along with the warmth. A voice that tells me "You didn't know." But that's no excuse, is it? I should've known better... I should've asked... I should've done tests... anything... People always said that there is no such thing as one hundred percent safe sex, because accidents always happen... I should've known better. "You didn't know." The voice insists. That isn't a reason to forgive myself. A life has been lost, an innocent life. A life that would be the very product of our love. A love that is so beautiful, so pure and intense, that I never expected to live. "You didn't know. Please _heart_..." Solas... that's Solas' voice. Am I still his heart? After killing his baby? I can't be... I'm sure this is my guilty conscience trying to convince me. " _Enasa, please talk to me_." The warmth is stronger now, I can feel Solas' feelings in the edge of my spirit. He's sad, troubled, confused. How could he not be? How could he find out he was going to be a father at the same time he discovers the child has been killed by the mother?

My throat hurts, I've been crying for too long. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of having bad things happen to me. I know this was supposed to be a life of punishment, but I can be happy if I work for it, right? And I did. Why would this happen? Maybe... no... no I can't justify this. This is a terrible thing, I can't justify it. But it might be the reason... it would've been worse later, wouldn't it? This was a mercy... as terrible as it is... I cry harder, I can feel it. It's so painful. The warmth envelops me and I'm not cold and heavy anymore; I'm weak and tired and in so much pain. My body hurts as does my spirit. "Enasa, you didn't know. Do not blame yourself, _heart_." Solas' voice says, he's so worried. How can he be worried about me after all this? I didn't know, that's true... but... still... "Please talk to me." I... I'm so weak... I couldn't have carried the baby until the end, could have I? I need the potion to stop withering away... it... no... something could have been done... right? Oh god... I'm so conflicted...

I feel Solas' arms around me, comforting me. He doesn't hate me. I'm the one hating myself. This is awful, this is sad, but I didn't know. How could have I known? I'll do better. I remember now, that woman in the dream also told me I would have twins later. Would that happen? If it was really a true warning then we could still have our kids, after my body is healthier to carry them. I'll get better, I'll get healthy, I'll get stronger...

My vision focuses again, and I feel Solas' completely behind me. His arms are tight around my arms and chest. " _Talk to me, my heart_." I notice the healer isn't there anymore, and it's very dark outside.

"Solas..." I say with a rough voice from crying. He stills immediately, but then holds me tighter and kisses my hair.

"Stop worrying me." His voice is soft, but I feel so guilty that I start crying again. One of his hands go to my hair to caress and try to soothe me. " _Shh heart, do not worry, I am here with you_."

"I'm so sorry, Solas!" I say while still crying, it hurts to speak but I need to tell him. "I... I'm sorry... I didn't know... I killed our baby... I'm so so sorry..."

"Calm down, please. That is correct, you didn't know. Do not blame yourself." He pulls me to turn me and I end up snuggling up to him almost like a ball against his chest. "I know this would never have happened if you did."

"How can you not hate me?"

"Because I love you, and I know you. I do not want to see you suffering like this."

"I can't stop the pain, Solas... I... I don't know what to do..." His hand caressing me feels so good and so wrong... our baby died because of me and he is trying to make me feel better...

"Sleep, _heart_... we will talk in the morning." And then I feel his spell calming my mind, sending me to a deep sleep away from the Fade.

 

I wake up in Solas' arms. The sun is high and I think it's way after noon. My body isn't hurting anymore, but I can't say the same about my spirit. His hand caresses my hair when he notices I'm awake. " _Good morning. Are you feeling better_?"

"I..." My voice is rough, my throat is sore. "My body doesn't hurt at least. Solas... I-"

"Shh. There is no need to talk about it now. There is no blame to lay on you." I take a deep breath and hold him tight. My chest feels so heavy... I try to hold back the tears. "Do you feel well enough to eat?" Do I?

"My stomach is weird..." Probably because of all the puking yesterday.

"Come... eat some fruit at least." He tries to get me to stand up, I feel really weak but I sit up. He walks around the bed to help me up and I notice he looks very tired. Did he sleep?

As he tries to guide me to the round table where a tray with food awaits, I notice the large mirror on the wall. I can't help it, I turn to look at my reflection; and it's awful. I knew I was skinny, but I didn't know I was _this_ skinny. I'm almost like skin and bones... the dark circles under my eyes are deep and _very_ dark. I'm so pale, I'm sure I'm in a severe case of anaemia... there's just no pink or red skin anywhere on my face. Solas called me beautiful... how can he? I look like I'm about to die... I feel tears in my eyes. My lovely elf comes to hug me from behind, and intentionally or not, he places his hands on my lower belly. "You could never carry a child in your state, _my heart_. It was for the best." His words shock me. "You need to recover your strength... come." I let him take me to the table so I can eat something. The sweet pastry catches my eye and I end up taking a bite of it. Delicious. I just hope my stomach doesn't complain.

We eat in silence, and I feel his energy trying to comfort me. I can feel his pain, he hurts just as much as I do minus the guilt, and still he tries to make me feel better. I can't let this defeat me. I'll get better, I'll get stronger, healthier and then I'll give him children before I'm gone. That's going to be my new goal. He was so close to having a family and he lost it, but he'll have it; I'll make sure of it. I'm not going to leave this bitter taste in his spirit, I'll make us happy together again. "I'll work to get better, Solas." I finally say and he looks at me with a surprised face. "I'll... do everything I can to get strong and healthy, and then after all this mess is over, if you want, we can have our children." His surprised face changes to a frown.

"You do not have to do anything for me, _my heart_. I remember the times you've said you did not want children. I would never ask it of you."

"I would never have any if not with you. And I never knew I wanted a child with you so much until this happened." I offer him my hand, and after a second he takes it, squeezing it just enough that it wouldn't hurt me. I can't help the smile at the thought that hits me. "A little Solas would be the cutest thing in the world, don't you think so?"

"They do not stay little for long, _heart_." He says and I laugh. "They grow up and become troublemakers."

"If he takes after his father, sure." I smirk and he squints at me. "You know I'm right."

"I am glad you are better. You... scared me." There he goes again, what happened to _scare_ him?

"What... exactly happened?"

"You... disconnected for a day." Disconnected?

"What do you mean?"

"Your consciousness slipped away. You were not dead or dying, but you were not really here either. I could feel you so faintly that I thought I would lose you." Wow... so I did weird things again.

"I'm sorry... I didn't intend on... disconnecting... My mind just... darkened."

"Once again you surprise me, however I would rather not have been through this experience." He gives me a sad smile.

"I... couldn't really handle those feelings I guess... Do the others know?"

"The Council does. It was not easy keeping them away. They probably will come here later to ask for an update on you."

"Yeah... I bet they will. Solas..." I look straight into his eyes, "thank you for not giving up on me, for... trusting me." He frowns.

"How could I ever give up on you?"

"I don't know... after what happened I... didn't think I was worthy..." He sighs.

"Never say this again." I feel a tug deep in my heart, weird. "I will never give up on you."

I place my other hand over his. "Neither I on you. I would do anything for you, _my love_."

 

After we're done eating, Solas helps me back on the bed so I can rest some more. He tells me he's going to tell the advisors I'm awake and better, and that they can come talk to me in one hour so I have some time to rest. I guess he'll be working the rest of the day. I still can't believe I was out in thoughts for a whole day, it was so crazy. Can I even talk about this to the others?

 


	105. Chapter 105

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter, it's still a sad one, but things are improving.  
> Thank you for commenting <3

I don't know when I dozed off, but eventually I wake up to a knock on the door. Cassandra announces she's accompanied by the advisors and I invite them in while I sit up on the bed, keeping my back against the headboard. I'm feeling a bit weak still, I don't trust myself to stand up. "How are you feeling?" Cassandra asks when she makes it into the room.

"Tired." I say with a small smile. I notice everyone has worried faces, including Leliana.

"I... wanted to come earlier but Solas said you were sleeping." She continues.

"Yeah... he put me to sleep so I would stop panicking." I chuckle bitterly. "Sit, it's weird to talk to you all like this, makes me feel like I'm dying or something." They look to each other and then sit on the couch, which I'm glad fits them all.

"We're sorry for what happened to you." Cassandra says. "I have no idea how you must be feeling..."

"It's... I don't know, it kinda hasn't sunk in yet? I was going about my life then my body starts fighting me and I find out I killed a child I didn't even know I was carrying..." I notice they wince when I say 'killed.' "Somehow a part of me thinks this is a bad nightmare I have yet to wake up from."

"Is there anything we can do for you?" Josephine asks.

"I don't know. Oh and, now I understand why you didn't want the mirror here..." I snicker and continue "I do look horrifying."

"Not horrifying, just... sick." Cassandra says.

"I need to get better, maybe I should eat more often."

"I will see that you have food here at all times." Josephine says eagerly. I give her a small smile, I don't think I can manage anything more than that, but I'm grateful. "I will ask the healer to come check on you again, to see if everything is... happening as it should." They are uncomfortable, but how couldn't they be?

"I guess that's best, I mean... nevermind. So... I missed dancing lessons, sorry." They all seem surprised at my change of topic.

"Of course you shouldn't apologize for that." Cassandra says.

"You should focus on recovering, Inquisitor." Cullen adds. "I'm sure we can come up with something for the ball."

"Yeah, that damn ball. I need to be better by then, I doubt it'll be an easy night."

"Since we are talking about it," Josephine says, "I must say your dress should be complete by tomorrow."

"And your boots are waiting for you to try them." I'm surprised to hear Leliana speaking. "I hope you don't mind, Inquisitor, but I decided to filter the information on those papers you requested on Empress Celene, Grand Duke Gaspard and Ambassador Briala. Considering what you are going through I thought you would not be able to read it all."

"Well... if it can't be helped. Just make sure I have the good points and bad points on everyone." She frowns slightly. "So uh... do the others know?"

"They know you fell sick, not the reason." Cassandra says and I don't really know if it makes me feel better or worse to discover they don't know. "I thought it was a private matter that you should choose to divulge or not."

"Thank you, Cassandra."

"We'll let you rest." Josephine says and stands up, followed by the others. "We hope you feel better soon." She gives me a smile and I notice the others look so worried. Do they think I'm going to die from this? Well, from the way I look they just might.

"Thank you." And after they leave I lay down again, getting comfortable under the blanket. I don't know if I'm going to tell the others what happened, but I'm sure they'll ask.

 

I end up falling asleep, and once again there is no Fade. Solas wakes me up and I see that it's late afternoon, the sky being tinged in reds. "How are you feeling?"

"Sleepy." I say with a rough voice and then I feel his hand leave my shoulder to a second later caress my cheek.

"You will feel better once you eat. Sit up." I do even though my body feels so heavy. I see Solas walking towards the table to get the tray with food, which he places beside me. There is a bowl with some cream in it, more pastries -and I notice some are salty- and many fruits. I start with a berry.

"Thank you, Solas. I don't deserve you." He frowns but doesn't say anything. "Cassandra told me the others know I'm... sick."

"They do." He says as he sits beside me.

"And they are worried." I'm startled by Cole's voice. I turn my head to see him standing by one of the large doors. "What happened to her? Will she recover? She seemed so weak when we arrived and now this." He says in a monotone and I think that's the thoughts of the others. "Varric is really worried."

"What have you told them?" I ask Solas.

"Not much. I thought it best to let you tell them if you wished. I know you do not trust some of them."

"They all worry for you." Cole insists. "They want news, to know you're better."

"They need me to defeat Corypheus, of course everyone is worried."

"No, they worry about you." The spirit seems a bit restless. "You don't believe me. You think they only care about the mark, but they care about you too."

"Do they? I mean... they seem more comfortable with me, that's true..." I sigh while I look at the pastries. I'll try one of the salty ones. "I honestly don't know how to recognize when someone see me as their friend."

"They care." Cole says. I take the time while I chew to think. The pastry is very good, and it makes me want to eat more. Do they really care about me? Am I really their friends? I guess I should talk more to them and find out? I have so many things on my mind when we travel that I've been barely speaking to anyone. Feeling weak hasn't really helped. "They would like it if you talked to them."

"I would like that too." I chuckle. They were nice in the game, they all seem very nice talking to each other... I want to be their friends too. But then after this is over they probably won't understand my intentions.

"You know them but they don't know you. You know me and things I haven't done yet. I don't understand."

"I could see things from this world where I used to live before. That's how I know things. The others can't know that, Cole. They wouldn't understand." And they would feel betrayed.

"You fear they will hate you. But if you talk to them-"

"Cole," Solas says, "some things cannot be explained easily, and sometimes people do not understand no matter how much you try."

"Maybe in time, Cole." I say with a small smile. "Maybe I'll be able to tell them one day."

"Can I tell them you're better?" The spirit asks with an excited voice.

"Yes, you can tell them that." And with that he disappears. I take a deep breath. "Sometimes his desire to help worries me that he may do something that won't end well."

"I would not worry about it." I snicker.

"You say that because you didn't see the many times he would almost slip your secret in game." His eyes go wide. "After you left the Inquisition you even had to cut him out of his connection to you because he was trying to tell Lavellan about you. You made him forget what he was doing and you weren't even close to him."

"It is good that will not happen here." He says with a smirk.

"Tell me about your day?" My question seems to surprise him, but he nods and moves to sit by the headboard, taking the tray so it stays on his lap.

 

We stay there for hours; he tells me about his research on the Ocullarum, that he decided to use the rotunda to depict the greatest moments of the Inquisition and the moments when the others would interrupt him to ask about me. I was so into his words that it surprised me when I reached for food and I realized I had eaten everything. "Dinner should be here soon, do not worry." He says with a smirk.

"You say that as if I was crazy for food."

"Maybe if you were you would not be so weak now." Maybe? I don't think any amount of food could've balanced my body. Maybe now with the potion... the potion...

"I know it won't make any difference from now on, that it's too late to worry about it, but... I feel guilty about taking the potion tomorrow."

"After what happened it makes sense that you would feel this way. But you must take it." I nod.

"I know, and I will. I can't recover otherwise. And I need to recover."

"And you will."

"If you don't have to do anything now... tell me about Elvhenan?" I don't feel well enough to talk but I really want to hear his voice.

Solas doesn't answer right away, he moves the tray with empty plates and bowl to the end of the bed and pulls me closer to him. Then he starts telling me about magic without the Veil. To say it's wonderful is an understatement. At some point dinner is delivered and he stays to eat with me, continuing to tell me more facts of the past.

 

It's good that I feel well enough to go through my nightly routine alone at least, so I don't have to bother Solas further. I imagine I already caused him, and the others, too much trouble. When I'm done I find him waiting for me on the bed, and I get under the covers to snuggle up to him. I've slept a lot, but it's easy to close my eyes and slip to the Fade.

My beloved joins me in my beach, and I'm surprised to see my spirit friends there waiting for me. The wisps come greet me and after they do I walk towards my friends by the cabin. Love, Kindness, Inspiration and Wisdom are there. "Hello, everyone." I say with a small smile. Solas walks with me holding my hand.

"We are sorry for your loss, my friend." Kindness says and I have to hold back the tears that suddenly want to come out.

"No one should learn about it the way you did." Wisdom says.

"We came to offer you our support, the others send their best wishes." Love says.

"Thank you, everyone. Having you all here helps a lot." It does, in more ways than I thought possible. Both their company and their energies are helping me right now. Knowing they care, that they are here for me, and being enveloped in this warm feeling at the same time my mind is clear from any bad thoughts. It's refreshing, and gives me some sort of strength to keep going.

I find myself needing comfort more than usual, so I don't want to sit on the sand. The couch doesn't have a place for everyone, so I focus to remember what Inspiration and Creativity taught me that day when we built this house and I summon a large and fluffy rug on the sand. I invite them all to sit there with me and we stay there until it's time to wake up. We don't linger on the topic of miscarriage, not only it's a sad topic but it's one I have to move on from. We talk mainly about what's coming in Halam'shiral; Inspiration says he'll be there for me and Wisdom gives me counsel about dealing with Orlesians. Love and Kindness both maintain the constant flow of warm feelings and it's amazing.

 

When I wake up I'm too lazy to think of anything else than snuggling closer to Solas, and I indulge myself. He had told me he would check on his agents so he would wake up a bit later, and I just stay there enjoying his warmth. My heart is more at ease after last night, I'm really blessed by having such great friends. My mind is also clearer, and I think I can focus on my duties properly now. I still feel the loss, the heavy blow of that awful experience, and I think I'll never forget it, but I'm no longer dwelling on it. There are things I must do, and I can't just be held back by something I can't recover, that I can't change. I'll get healthy, strong, and I'll do my work with the Inquisition as it must be done: with my full focus. I'll learn everything I must, we'll defeat Corypheus and I'll help Solas fix this world until my time is done. When time comes for children I'll make sure to be strong and healthy so nothing wrong happens.

Some time later Solas wakes up, and he greets me with a tight and warming hug accompanied by a delightful kiss. He's relieved to know I'm feeling better and tells me his people have done some progress in Briala's network, but that they haven't come across anything similar to what I have told him about yet. Some minutes later a knock on the door precedes the call of the servant bringing us breakfast. I was going to talk to the girl, but I realize it must be incredibly intimidating to have the leader of an organization asking questions, she probably wouldn't be honest if something wrong was happening to her or her friends. I definitely need Sera for this.

We eat and talk about our plans for the day; his is basically more research into that book and maybe starting the mural, mine involves a lot of talking to people. When I'm done eating I get the vial on the desk and take a minute to look at the thing that has changed my life so completely. I can feel Solas' gaze on me and I know he's analyzing my behavior. I take a deep breath and drink my dosage.

I'll get healthy and strong.

 


	106. Chapter 106

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going around Skyhold and talking to people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :) Here's another chapter! I hope you like it, there is a lot of dialogue :)

Who should I talk to first? Maybe I should start from the closest person to the farthest? Who's closest? Josephine?

I make my way to her office, and she's surprised to see me up and about. We don't talk much; I have many places to go and she has a lot of work to do, but I thank her for her attention with my meals and we talk a little about normal things; I imagine she wants a break from the hardworking routine just as much as I do. Before I leave she asks if I feel well enough to start the dancing lessons, and I think I am. The Ambassador tells me she'll arrange it so I can start at late afternoon today. She also asks if I'll be able to sing at the tavern, and I was really afraid she would ask me that at some point. She says it would be a good event to have after Judgement, and I think it's a bit morbid of an idea, but yeah, I guess I can do it. She's happy to hear it. I'll have to think about songs.

After I leave Josephine's office I make my way to Harritt to check on the armor and staff's progress. Dagna almost jumps me with questions about my health, saying she was worried sick that something serious had happened to me. I tell her it was just my body being weak, as it tends to happen with my weird health and all that. She seems to believe it. The armor has barely been started, and I hope to remember to ask Josephine to get this man some apprentices to help him. Dagna has Tranquils, why doesn't Harritt have people too? The staff is done at least, only waiting for Dagna to enchant it. I ask her to enchant it with whatever paralysis rune she knows.

Next I go to the library, hoping to find Dorian. And I do. The mage is sitting on a couch with several books beside him. "Enjoying your time?" I ask and he seems surprised to see me.

"Grace! How are you? Come, sit here. We don't want you fainting again, do we?" I chuckle and sit beside him. "What happened to you?"

"I uh... I'll tell you when there's not so many people around." He frowns. "It's over now, so it's alright. What's with all these books?"

"I was hoping to have something here to help me find information on Corypheus, since he claims to be one of the ancient Magisters, but there is **nothing**." He takes a deep breath then tilts his head. "Do you think the Inquisition could spare some resources to contact some friend of mine?"

"Whatever helps, Dorian." He opens a large smile. "I guess the requisition person should know what you have to do; if he doesn't, go straight to Josephine. I don't even know who's in charge of things here... what a great Inquisitor I am, huh?" I chuckle and he clicks his tongue at me.

"You spend more time away than anything, Grace. You're lucky you can count on your advisors at least. I don't see them betraying you. If this was Tevinter you would be in serious trouble." We laugh. "So..." He lowers his voice and continues, "how were those two days alone with your hobo elf?" I'm pretty sure I turn red and he laughs louder than he should for a library; people even turn to look at us. "That good uh?" What should I say? Should I even say anything? I decide to just nod and he laughs more. "Lucky girl. I need to find someone for myself... if we're all fighting an ancient darkspawn who wishes to be god we just might be reaching the end of days... and I'll be damned if I'll go out without a good partner." I shake my head with a timid chuckle.

"I would like to stay more to talk but I can't... there's just so much I still have to do today..." I sigh. "Anything else I can do for you, Dorian?"

"Hmm. Not at the moment, no. But I will let you know if I think of something."

"Alright." I say as I stand up. "I'll see you around." And after a smile I turn to leave.

Maybe I should go talk to Leliana since I'm already here. And up the stairs I go. I find the woman sitting on a desk looking at some papers, she is surprised to see me and I guess this will be a common reaction today. "Are you feeling better, Inquisitor?"

"Yes. The worst is over. I uh... thought I should come by and talk a little." She tilts her head with a raised eyebrow. Suspicious much? "I... notice you don't really trust me." She opens her mouth in an "o" and then gets off the desk, motioning for me to follow her outside on the balcony. "But I'd like to thank you for visiting me yesterday."

"Thanking me? No woman should go through that, Inquisitor. There is no need to thank me." She leans against the railing and crosses her arms in front of her chest. Defensive much? Geez... I lean against the wall in front of her. "As for trust, I know you are doing your best to fix the situation we are in, your help has been invaluable and I don't doubt your good intentions. But I don't know anything about you or your motivations."

"Only because you don't have people to confirm what I tell you doesn't mean you don't know anything about me." I take a deep breath. "You see, I'm sure you've met people who don't like to talk about their past. The Commander told me he is one of those people and he understands me. When I found myself in that dungeon I was really confused, scared even. I had no idea what to do. There were demons everywhere and I didn't know how to fight. I had a mark on my hand I didn't know how to use and I was told I was the only person capable of fixing this mess. To me it was a change of reality too big to swallow, I almost never had to do anything by myself and suddenly I was the only hope for the world. My motivation, Leliana, is making the world better, making it safe. My past hurts me only by remembering it, so I don't like to talk about it, and I'm really glad nothing can track it to me and remind me of it. I know words won't convince you, but after everything I've done is it really so hard to stop doubting me?"

"I admit I might be being too hard on you. Justinia once told me 'doubt is easy, it takes courage to trust' and I feel I find myself... afraid of the uncertainties that surround you. But you are right, you have proven to be on our side, that you are a good person willing to do good for others; you took the power of leadership to try and improve the conditions of those in lower positions; most wouldn't have."

"I just think the world is unfair as it is, and if this power I have can improve its condition then I have to do something about it."

"It will not be easy, but I will help you as I can. This travel to Halam'shiral may be very beneficial for the Inquisition if we play it right. I will have the papers delivered to your room tonight so you may start studying them."

"Thank you, Leliana. I hope this goes well..." I don't really know what else I could talk to her at this time, so I just excuse myself and let her go back to work. Who should I talk to now? Damn... Vivienne is nearby. I sigh. I will need her in this ball, so I hope I can talk to her properly.

 

I find the Iron Lady lounging in a fluffy chair in one of the balconies. She has a book in hands and I notice she's taking notes on a notebook on her lap. "Good morning, First Enchanter."

"Inquisitor, darling! What a surprise to see you here." She sits up and places the book and notebook along with the quill on a side table, which has a cup with what I assume to be tea. "I heard you had fallen ill; I planned to have something sent for you but it's so hard to get anything in Skyhold."

"Thank you for the thought, but it's alright." I sit on the other chair and it is _very_ fluffly! "I came here to talk to you about Halam'shiral." She loses the fake worry and becomes serious. I doubt she would worry about me. "I know you have many connections among some circles in Orlais, and I expect some of those people to be there at the ball. I also expect you to work in our favor and try to convince them that supporting the Inquisition is in their best interest."

"Of course, darling. That is what I am here for. We can achieve much working together."

"Good." I don't really know what else to say. "I'll let you go back to your reading." I stand up.

"Farewell, Inquisitor." And I make my way towards Solas. I need his voice so much after talking to this woman.

Solas is sitting at his desk, looking seriously at the massive book. "Say something, please." I say as I enter the room. He raises his head to look at me and he seems completely confused.

"What happened?" He asks while I lean my hip against his desk.

"I just had two heavy conversations, the last one with Vivienne." He seems to understand by the expression shift on his face. "It was short but enough to make me feel choked."

"I am afraid that might be... worse at the palace."

"I don't even want to think about it and that is something I still have to talk about to so many people. I feel like everything is working against me. I can't wait to be past this damn ball."

"Is there any way I can help you?"

"Just... talk about something, anything. Your voice really helps." I chuckle and he shakes his head with a small smile.

"Then let me tell you what I found in this book. It is indeed about those locks I mentioned the other day, and they seem interested in a temple in Orlais. I will send the location to the Spymaster later so she can have people investigate. However I doubt it will be useful for we have no way of finding the shards required to open the locks."

"The only way is through that awful ritual?"

"I am not familiar with blood magic procedures, perhaps Dorian might be able to tell you something."

"He's a necromancer, not a blood mage, and I **guess** , just a guess... that even if he knows someone who knows blood magic the others wouldn't approve of it."

"You are likely correct."

"Only blood magic can solve this?"

"I am afraid so." Shit. Well... at least I won't have to go around collecting shards.

"Oh well... I guess I should go before I decide to keep you all for myself." He smirks and I can't hold back, I move closer and give him a swift kiss on his lips. "I'll see you later."

"Be careful."

"Will be." And with that I make my way towards Cullen.

 

The door is open and I'm surprised to find the man napping. And I'm sure that isn't a comfortable position. His head is so wrong on the backrest. I don't want to wake him up, because if he's fallen asleep now he surely needs the rest, but as I turn to leave he stirs and opens his eyes; and he looks a bit startled. "I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't intend on waking you."

"Inquisitor! I'm sorry. This shouldn't have happened." He says while standing up quickly.

"Relax, Commander. I assume you haven't slept well?"

"There are... things keeping me up. But you shouldn't concern yourself. This never happened and it won't happen again. What can I help you with?"

"Actually I just came by to talk." This seems to surprise him. "I realized I haven't talked to you guys much, specially since I spend so much time away travelling."

"Oh. And uh... what do you want to talk about? I hope you are feeling better."

"I'm better, thank you. I just thought I should know the Commander as a person too." He seems _really_ surprised. "We never really got a moment to talk after Haven and I imagine that was hard on you."

"It... was. We lost people, and as much as it is part of war, it is never easy."

"I wish we could've saved everyone."

"We would have lost many more without your plans for the tunnels. Corypheus and the red templars..." He sighs. "They are enemies I could never have expected to face. Meredith was a mad woman by the time red lyrium influenced her... and she became a statue. Those men... even those behemoth... forgive me Inquisitor, I find I don't even have words to express this."

"It's fine, Cullen." He looks surprised at me calling him by his name, and it honestly just sliped. "They are monstrosities, I'm sure I would have nightmares if I could." He tilts his head.

"What do you mean 'if you could?'"

"Well, my dreams are different now. Whenever I sleep I go to this place in the Fade that became pretty much my second house. It's a very peaceful beach."

"Sometimes I forget how differently mages can dream."

"Yeah... it surprised me when it first happened. I can talk to my spirit friends there, they helped me build a house and I have a library." I chuckle but I notice he seems very confused.

"You are creating things in the Fade?"

"I guess so? Somehow. Maybe it's another thing the mark changed in me." I really have no idea if it's the mark's fault.

"I still don't know how I feel about your... spirit friends. I often see Cole helping people, and I admit that has opened my mind to the possibility that they aren't all evil beings but... you say you have many and that they often help you."

"They always help me. They've helped me become a better person, they give me strength to face situations that would make me crumble, they advise me in how to best overcome my obstacles. They teach me."

"Have you... encountered any more demons since that time?"

"No. My beach is protected and no spirit with ill intentions can enter it." He seems relieved.

"Solas guided you well."

"Oh, Solas taught me everything I know. I'm sure I would be so lost without him."

"I'm sorry about what happened to you." Oh? Ah...

"Yeah... thank you. But I guess I couldn't have carried the baby in my condition..." Not to mention it would have been crazy to be pregnant in this war. "I'll make sure to be strong for next time."

"Next time? You are... planning children?" I chuckle.

"It's funny, you see... I never thought I wanted kids until this happened."

"You must really love him."

"I do. He's everything to me." I say with a smile.

"Can we talk another time, Inquisitor? I am afraid my unexpected nap got in the middle of my work."

"Oh, sure. See you around, Cullen." Sliped once, can go with it from now on. And I make my way towards the stables so I can see the harts.

 

After some time with my favourite horned creatures, I leave them so I can go talk to someone else. But who? In game I would find Blackwall here, but I don't see him. I decide to just walk down the street and see if I bump into anyone. I don't, but it's nice to admire the view. A lot has changed since we first arrived, and even though many buildings still need repair, it's almost like a tiny village. The street circles the entire castle and makes me wonder how this is going to look like if we manage to fill the keep. The large buildings are now home to the soldiers, scouts and mages, then there are some smaller yet still big ones for the servants and other workers. I guess the shopkeepers probably sleep in their shops like Adan does.

I didn't expect to see children around, though. Three pass by me, running and shouting, probably playing some sort of tag. The sight which usually would annoy me makes me feel a little sad. I shake my head and try to ignore the annoying feeling, continuing my way in search of one of the people I still need to talk to.

A few minutes later I spot Sera sitting outside a large building, which I realize is the tavern. She's talking to someone at the door who I can't see from this distance, and as I approach I notice it's Blackwall. "Hello guys." I say when I'm close.

"Grace! How are ya? Heard ya fell sick again. But if ya walking about you're better yeah?"

"Inquisitor. You worried us all." Blackwall says.

"Yeah, even Weirdo came to bug us." Weirdo? I guess that's Cole.

"I'm good now." I say with a small smile. "Just... annoyed that there's this stupid ball to attend to."

"Urgh yeah, but I guess that'd make a great opportunity to get back at nobles yeah?" She snorts before looking at a spot probably already plotting something.

"And that's one thing I wanted to talk to you about."

"Oh? Hope you didn't come here to tell me to leave'em alone. That'd be boooring."

"As long as you don't make any servant or the Inquisition look at fault you can do whatever you want to the nobles who mistreat others." She opens a large smile at that. "But you might not have time for that, I'm not sure. I was thinking, can you get your little people in the castle to spy for us? So you can coordinate with them and give us information."

"Leliana asked me to do that. I guess that's your idea then. Sure, yeah I can do that. But little people aren't all shiv and darkness shite y'know that yeah?"

"I know. That's not what we need. There will be many people in that place, and servants and workers can go almost everywhere and people will ignore them. At some point they might see something that'll interest us. People going where they're not supposed to and that kind of thing, and they will probably listen in shady conversations too; they could report back to us."

"Yeah I can do that."

"Good." I say with a smile. "Oh and, how are the little people of Skyhold? Any trouble?"

"Some, but I'm working on that."

"I might have a system to get this sorted soon, I'm just waiting on Josephine. I'll call you to discuss it when we're ready." She seems surprised at that.

"Sure thing, Grace."

"Blackwall, is everything alright?"

"Yes. I still can't believe what we saw about the Wardens when we were out there but, yes..."

"If you need anything let me know. Same for you Sera." They nod and I look at the building, it's three floors high. "Anyone from our group inside?"

"Bull and the Chargers." Blackwall answers.

"Oh? Guess I'll go inside to meet the famous mercenary band."

"They're a... curious bunch." The man says and I snicker. I bet they are.

 

The tavern is very large, and full of people. They start mumbling when they see me enter the place and I wonder what kind of things they think of me now. I spot part of a large horn and I make my way to its direction. Bull is sited among the people he calls the Chargers, and even though I don't remember their names, I recognize their faces, specially Dalish with her staff/bow. "Inquisitor! Come here, let me introduce you to my guys!" I nod and approach.

"Hello." I say, a bit timid among so many strangers. Because they are strangers after all, it's not like I got to know them very well in game. I see Krem sitting at Bull's right side with a mug in hands. I notice then that _everyone_ has a mug. Why do these people start drinking so early?

Bull starts introducing each of them to me, and aside from some details everything is pretty much like it happened in the game. I wonder if I'll see much of these people around. We talk for a few minutes before I ask Bull to talk with me in private. "Sure thing, Boss. Lead the way." And I take him outside to a spot where there's nobody nearby. Sera and Blackwall are no longer there.

"So, we're leaving for Halam'shiral in a few days as I'm sure you already know. I would like for you to keep your eye and ears sharp so in case you notice anything suspicious we may act quickly. I don't expect anything good from nobles, much less from Orlesians nobles."

"You really hate your job uh, Boss?"

"I don't say I hate it because I hope to be able to make a difference with it, but yeah... dealing with people? Nobles especially? I hate that. So uh... I'm telling you in advance so you can prepare accordingly, I don't really know how you do your job. Oh and I guess qunari might be some sort of... curiosity for them so... you might want to appeal for the... uh... naughty ladies for some information." He laughs loudly at that, I feel my bones trembling. Wow...

"Don't worry, Boss. I'll keep them entertained."

"I'll let you go back to the Chargers. Oh and... they're nice, I hope you're a good boss to them, Bull."

"Oh I guess they couldn't ask for a better one." He laughs, but then clears his throat and looks at me seriously. What could it be? "So uh, Boss, I'm sorry for what happened to you." My eyes go wide. "Yeah I know. You don't have to say anything, just... if you need anything you just have to ask."

"Thank you, Bull." I'm surprised by his words, and I wonder if he really means it or if he's just trying to get me softer on his side. "I'll see you around, I got some more people to talk to before lunch."

"Make sure you eat uh, you need more meet on your bones!" I shake my head with a smile I couldn't hold.

"Will do." And with that we part ways. While I walk down the street towards the courtyard I think about what I'm doing next.

So I talked to Josephine, Leliana, Cullen; that takes the advisors out, oh, there's Cassandra yet. I wonder where she is. I also talked to Dorian, Vivienne, Solas, Sera, Blackwall and Bull. It's pointless to search for Cole, I'll talk to him when I see him. So... I guess I'm only missing Varric and Cassandra. If it's anything like in the game, the woman is probably training somewhere. I still have to see the training grounds here. Varric would be in the hall but I didn't see him there when I came from Josephine's office. He wasn't in the tavern... maybe he's in his room?

 

I keep walking and after a few minutes I hear the sounds before I can even see the place. The training grounds is a large area divided into three circles, and I notice as I approach that the people in them have different combat skills. I spot Cassandra outside the circles, using her sword on a poor dummy that will soon need to be replaced. "Nobody willing to spar with the Seeker?" I ask and I seem to startle her.

"Grace! It's good to see you here. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you. But really... why the dummy? I doubt that will do you any good."

"Oh I'm just venting. We have our goals, we are making progress, but at the same time it feels like we haven't accomplished anything. We don't even know where our enemies are."

"Heh, yeah... I get the feeling. I wonder how Corypheus can hide that dragon and that army. It's not like they look like anything normal."

"And it's... hard to accept that he is one of those ancient Magisters."

"Well... the things he said make sense so... unless he is a completely crazy sentient darkspawn, I guess we pretty much are at war with a historical person."

"We need to defeat him, whatever he is."

"And we will." I give her a smile. "I'm surprised with how much Skyhold changed in so little time."

"It seems we got good support. Which actually surprised us all considering your speech."

"Heh... yeah. Maybe there are good nobles out there."

"Unfortunately the... bad ones are still acting against us."

"Stupid people."

"Without the threat of the Breach to remind them we're needed they are turning their heads elsewhere. Hopefully it will not affect us much."

"We'll succeed. What's your opinion on this ball?"

"I am only glad I will not be wearing a skirt. But I can already feel the headache of tolerating those nobles."

"Heh... yeah..."

"Grace..." I hum in question and she continues. "I know I used to talk so much about children with you and then this happened-"

"Don't worry, Cassandra. I think I... agree with you now. If he wants it after all this is over I guess we'll be having little ones." I chuckle and she's surprised.

"Then let's work to get this mess solved."

"Yup! I have a lot of papers to read... oh well... Oh, do you know where Varric is?"

"No. I don't see him since yesterday when he was trying to get news on you."

"I don't want to go check on his room... if you see him tell him I want to talk to him?"

"Sure. Take care, Grace."

"Will do. Got to get stronger!" I laugh and make my way back to my room. It takes me a few minutes, this place is really huge.

 


	107. Chapter 107

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day in Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I thought I'd let the chapter a bit earlier today :)  
> I hope you like it! Thank you for comments, they make my day! <3

I'm deep in concentration reading the papers when I feel Solas in the room. I turn to see him placing food on the table with the help of the girl from the morning. The food smells _really_ good and makes me even hungrier. It would be great if we could have such nice food while travelling. I put a paperweight over the sheets I was going through and make my way to the dining table. "Thank you for bringing this. What's your name?" She seems surprised but answers me.

"I'm Ellana, Inquisitor. Lady Josephine assigned me to be your personal servant."

"And uh... what do you do in that position?"

"I take care of your clothes, bring you food and clean your room." Oh god.

"Oh... I hope I'm not causing you trouble."

"Of course not."

"Be honest with me Ellana, I know it might be difficult considering I'm technically your boss and it might be intimidating but..." I take a deep breath and continue "has anyone treated you badly because you're a servant or an elf?" Or both... She seems surprised, and a bit reluctant. Bad sign.

"Usually I am invisible, Inquisitor."

"And when you're not...?"

"I've had some bad encounters with soldiers back in Haven. Since we came here it seems to have gotten... tricky." I frown.

"What do you mean? Please be open with me so I can help you and the others who could be going through similar situations."

"Since your speech there has been people around who treated it as a challenge." She sighs. "How to harass us or... take liberties with us without being caught." I feel very angry then. I look at Solas and I can see behind his collected face he is furious. I try not to show her how mad this makes me so I don't make her uncomfortable, but I feel like ripping pieces off the culprits.

"Do you know who those people are?" She nods. "Would you report them?" She looks at me with wide eyes. "To have this solved we need to punish them. We need to know who are doing it."

"They would retaliate." She says with a sad voice and I guess this has happened before. I sigh.

"You know who Sera is, right?" She nods. "Have you and the others told her about this?"

"Some have, but not everyone. We aren't very sure she could do anything."

"She can... do something. I'm working on a solution, but for the moment you can go to Sera, and your friends too."

"I'll tell them. Thank you, Inquisitor. It's... er... good to know we have people on our side." She gives me a smile and I feel warm. It's good to help.

"Hopefully we'll make a good change for everyone."

"I should leave you to your meal, if that is all."

"It is. Thank you for taking good care of me and my things." She seems surprised again and smiles, then with a small bow she leaves.

"Do you trust Sera to handle this?" Solas asks as soon as we're alone.

"She knows how to talk to them better than anyone I know. She's been protecting 'the little people' for some time so yeah..." I sit down and he does the same. "I'm still waiting on Josephine to sketch out a system to punish and reward people so we can have a long term solution, but for now Sera can handle it."

"System to punish and reward?"

"Yeah... something to make people realize it's wrong to harass and harm others and to encourage them to do good."

"You believe this will work?"

"I hope it does. It used to work in workplaces where I came from."

And we continue talking about it; I explain my plans to him and he gives me some ideas. When we're done eating I get back to my papers and he goes back to the rotunda. It's weird this routine I find myself in, seeing him only on occasions after weeks with him by my side at all times.

Reading these papers is maddening and I'm really happy I have Purpose to help him. Alone I'm sure I couldn't have gone through these, much less understand what I'm reading. A few hours pass and Josephine comes pick me up for the dancing lessons, and I find myself anxious about it. I always wanted to take dancing lessons, but this? There is just so much at stake, this culture is so different from what I'm used to and it really scares me.

As Josephine takes me to the room she tells me she wanted to be there so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. She's adorable isn't she? She also notices I'm anxious but I can't help that. When she told me the room was out of the way I wouldn't have expected _this_ much. I'm completely lost by the time we get there. I assume the person waiting for us the tutor and I'm not surprised to see she's Orlesian. I guess I would be surprised if she was Fereldan. Fereldan parties must be so practical... oh well. Josephine introduces us and the woman is called Lilly, it's simple enough that I think I'll remember.

It's expected and I'm glad Lilly was forewarned that I would need to take breaks often because I get tired easily. We stay there for at least three hours and when we're done my legs are killing me and I'm not even sure I can do ten percent of what she tried to teach me. I'm not sure I can do this in time, but Josephine says if I can do at least one dance right it'll be enough. Yeah... they want me to learn three different dances.

 

When I'm back in my room I notice the tray full of treats, I'm loving this! But I want to clean up first, that dancing lesson got me disgusting, so I fill the bathtub and get in, and I don't leave until I'm relaxed and wrinkled. I don't want to sit down so I tale the tray to bed and after reclining on pillows I start eating. I'm going to be spoiled... I'll definitely miss this when I'm away. At some point I notice I'm dozing off, so I move the tray away from me and let sleep take me. I don't go to the Fade.

Solas wakes me up for dinner, and teases me for falling asleep with food beside me. We eat while we talk about our day and he is sure I can learn the steps before the ball. God... I really don't know. I'm still tired even though I just woke up, so I go to bed after cleaning my teeth. I still don't have the courage to ask Solas about how he is feeling after all this, and I **really** hope he's alright. He's been supporting me but I'm sure it hurt him too. I hope I can talk to him soon. We snuggle up to each other and when we're in the Fade he takes me to study.

 

I hug him even before I open my eyes, basking in his awesome presence. He holds me tight when he wakes up and we stay like that for long minutes. At some point we start kissing, and before I realize he's on top of me. This has become normal for us in days I wasn't feeling unwell, it has become... natural. To feel his desire for me made me relieved, because it meant he could see past that dreadful day. We have another beautiful and loving morning, just like we did during those two amazing days that we had completely for ourselves. "I love you so much, Solas." I say after we're lost in bliss and simply caressing one another.

" _As I love you_."

"I can't wait for peaceful times with you."

"That might never come, _heart_."

"Oh right... well, we never know. My punishment might make me live centuries." I chuckle.

"Feeling positive are we?" I raise my head from his chest to look at him and I find him smirking.

"As Varric would say, it's better than the alternative." He chuckles and gives me a swift kiss on the lips. "I hate working though. I want to stay like this with you forever."

"We can always have more at night."

"I want it all day." Oh god, I didn't just say this. He laughs though, and I think I could never have enough of that sound.

"I am afraid _that_ will have to wait."

"Yeah..." I hope this doesn't ruin the mood. "Solas..." He hums and I continue "how are you feeling after what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been supporting me, but you haven't told me how _you_ feel about it." I feel him taking a deep breath.

"I... have thought about family before, although as I have told you, I never had the desire to pursue it with anyone. And eventually it simply was forgotten. I had my duty. Discovering you were carrying my child at the same time I heard it was gone, I cannot lie: it was a heavy blow. But as I also told you, you are in no condition to carry a child, _heart_." He caresses my hair. "And as you have said, we can have our children after all this is done and you are healthy."

"What do you think they'd be like?" He chuckles, but then we find ourselves imagining how our kids would be, how they would behave, their personalities. And after we're done talking we just continue in silence, until a knock on the door has us getting off bed for breakfast.

 

The day is boring, tiring and involves a **lot** of papers. Leliana delivered me the information on Celene, Gaspard and Briala and I have to say this is **maddening**. Purpose is being a great help here, I know I've said this before but... without him there is no way I would be able to do this. After lunch I stop by Dorian to talk to him about tomorrow's Judgment. "Hey Dorian."

"Grace. I know you can't stay a day without my presence but what would others think?" I chuckle.

"Well, let's give them something more interesting to talk about. Come to my room." His eyes go wide.

"Are you sure Solas will agree with this?" He says with a smirk and I shake my head.

"There's something I need to discuss with you."

"Alright, alright. Lead the way."

When we're in my bedroom I sit on the couch and ask him to do the same. "What is this? Work or pleasure?" I laugh.

"Work, but your company is nice. The topic... not so much." His smile disappears. "I have to judge the fate of two people tomorrow, one of them is Alexius."

"Oh my. This must be hard on you. But you don't have to feel obligated to spare him on my account, what he did was very wrong. We both know better than anyone what his plans would have done to the world."

"That's not why I'm discussing this with you. I actually want your opinion."

"My opinion?"

"I was thinking about this magic, and as terrible as it turned out, it might be useful. There might be... safest applications. Do you think you could work with him to research those?"

"You know it only worked because of the Breach, right? And it has been sealed."

"I know. But it worked, so it has potential."

"Well, who am I to refuse this? And I would be lying if I said I didn't want to explore more of this magic." He says with a smile.

"Great... so I'll sentence Alexius to research for the Inquisition. You should think about someone you can trust to work with him while you are out in field with me. Oh! This actually reminds me, Solas said that book his researching about Ocullarum doesn't seem to have any workaround the blood magic ritual... do you uh... know anything about blood magic?"

"Oh Grace, my dear. I'm Tevinter and I know how stereotypes go but I'm no blood mage. It's messy!" We laugh. "But I _might_ know someone... if the Inquisition is kept in the dark about this."

"As long as you can keep your messages inconspicuous nobody but us will know about this. Be mindful of Leliana and her people." He smirks.

"Who do you take me for? Of course I'm always sharp. This surprises me, though. I know you aren't Andrastian and have different beliefs but I never expected you to support blood magic."

"Magic is magic, as long as nobody innocent is being harmed I don't see the problem. But I wouldn't practice it myself, since Solas said it hinders entering the Fade and I love that place."

"And I am still waiting your invitation to your lovely house there."

"Oh I don't know how to travel the Fade yet so... I don't know how to take you there. But I will as soon as I do."

"Good. I bet I can give you great tips on furnishing!" I laugh.

"You're awesome, Dorian."

"Oh there's no need to flatter me, I know I'm the best man around." He turns serious and casually touches my knee. "Since we are in private now, what exactly happened with you that day?" I swallow hard and take a deep breath.

"I... you know I was looking forward to that potion that prevents pregnancy, right?" He nods. "So... I finally took it but... I was with child and didn't know. So..."

"Oh by Andraste, I'm so sorry, Grace." He tries to get me into a hug and I accept. "I can't even imagine how you're feeling. Or Solas..." We part and I see he looks concerned.

"We were surprised, it was hard to believe because he was using spells so I wouldn't get pregnant. Apparently one single moment he forgot was everything it took." I take a deep breath and continue. "And I was very guilty, because if I hadn't taken the potion the baby would still be alive. He isn't angry at me, on the contrary, he has been very supportive. He is sad, just as I am that the baby is gone but... we both see that the way my health is I wouldn't have been able to carry it until the end either... as awful as it was... I think it was a mercy. I guess it was painless for the baby..." He places his hand on my knee and squeezes it lightly.

"It seems that way, as hard as it is to think about it."

"I'll get stronger, healthy and then when we can we'll have our cute little babies because they can only be cute coming from him." He chuckles.

"More than one? Girl you want to get busy uh."

"We are always busy..." Oh. He looks at me with a surprised face then laughs.

"What a naughty couple you two are. But you know they won't be elves right?" True... humans and elves don't have baby elves. Solas didn't seem to mind, though.

"I do. We do."

"For all that talk of elven legacy, lost empire and greatness of the race the fact he doesn't mind surprises me."

"To be honest, Dorian, I didn't think he would ever love me. I'm happy I was wrong." I chuckle.

"And I'm happy for you. And well... for him too. You two are so sweet together it makes my teeth hurt." I laugh at that. "What, it's true! Ask anyone and they'll tell you the same."

"Oh and... about the others, only the advisors and Cassandra know. Well, Bull does too but it's because he's a stupidly good spy, I don't even know how he knows." He seems surprised.

"Varric doesn't know? I thought he would considering how close you two are."

"I haven't seen him since the day we arrived and I don't feel comfortable in just knocking at his room so... I'm waiting until I see him. I asked Cassandra to tell him I want to talk to him if she sees him but since there's no sign of him he either hasn't shown up or didn't want to talk to me."

"Oh he definitely wants to talk, he was very worried when word got out you had fallen sick. Something might be holding him back."

"I guess we'll find out when he shows up. Oh er... do you dance?"

"What an odd change of topics! But yes of course I dance. I have to be perfect, remember?" I chuckle.

"Right, just confirming. So uh... I have to learn how to dance for the ball and my tutor wants me to dance with a partner."

"Are you inviting me? Why not Solas?"

"He has that massive book to go through."

"I have a research going on in the library too you know." He raises an eyebrow and I laugh.

"I thought they had **awful** and useless books?"

"Fine, you caught me. Just tell me, how _terrible_ are you?"

"I just began yesterday."

"Oh... very terrible then. But don't fear, I will save you and help you in this chore."

"Thank you, Dorian!" I say with a smile. "You might want to come with me then... it should start soon."

"Alright. Lead the way." We stand up from couch and I stop at the dining table to collect two tiny sweet pies, and I tell Dorian to feel free at picking anything. He gets one like mine and we make our way to the training room. I get lost once, to which he mocks me endlessly. "You don't even know your own castle!"

"I told you I was a terrible Inquisitor." We laugh.

 

My tutor is happy that I found someone to dance with me, but things start getting tense as Dorian and her diverge on the best way to teach me. I decide to ask my mage friend to just do whatever the woman tells him to do so we can do this the way Josephine wants and please the Orlesians. After that it goes smoothly. Or as smoothly as it can go when I don't really know how to coordinate my feet. Poor Dorian.

I go back to my room when it's all done and even though I'm exhausted I still have to go through those papers, so I do. I'm getting a bit hungry so I get some of the treaties on the tray so I can nibble on something while I study. After a couple of hours I'm finally over with the politics and etiquette and can start reading about Celene, Gaspard and Briala. But I'm only at the beginning of how Gaspard lost his throne to Celene when dinner arrives with Solas.

He tells me Dorian stopped by to discuss the book so he has an idea of what to ask his friend when he sends the message. Also tells me he started the mural about the Breach. I'm very curious to see him working on it, so I hope to stop by tomorrow. I tell him my plans for Alexius' sentence and he agrees with me, as I expected him to based on what I know from the game. I wonder if I'll actually see something coming out of this research. After we're done eating we get ready for bed and just as he said in the morning, we spend a few hours just enjoying ourselves before going to the Fade for more lessons.

 

 


	108. Chapter 108

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judgment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Here is another chapter and I hope you like it! :D  
> I can't believe this story is over 5k hits =o  
> And over 240 kudos! <3  
> Thank you so much! <3

The dreadful day greets me beautifully; I can even listen to birds singing outside. Judgment will be just after breakfast and then Josephine wants me to sing at the tavern by nightfall. I'm afraid of even getting off bed, so I snuggle closer to Solas until he makes me get up. He tries to calm me as we eat breakfast, saying that my decisions are fair and nobody would dare question them but still... this will be my second time in the spotlight and it makes me really uncomfortable.

After I'm done eating I stare at the formal set Ellana was told I was supposed to wear. It's a nice vest, I won't lie, but it makes me feel... commanding. I guess it comes with the position; 'Inquisitor' **is** the leader after all. Looking at this I can see Josephine really wanted me to wear boots, but I won't and she knows it. I bet she sent along knee guards so I can give my footwraps a more... regal look. The mantle is a bit tricky to wear, with all the metal stuff and the large shoulder guard, but when I'm done and I look in the mirror I'm surprised by what I see. I look _really_ good. Even with my body screaming I'm sick, the clothes help hide it a little.

"You look beautiful." Solas says as he approaches me from behind, wrapping one arm at my back.

"Thank you. It's weird to look this... powerful."

"You _are_ powerful with or without these fancy clothing, however posturing is necessary."

"I know." I take a deep breath. "Well... let's see how this goes."

And we go downstairs to the hall, where **a lot** of people awaits already. Josephine is beside the throne and as I approach she waves at me. I squeeze Solas hand slightly before letting go and make my way towards the Ambassador. "So many people..." I say a bit breathless from the anxiety.

"There are more outside, but do not worry." Great way to reassure me Josephine... I sigh. "We still have time, is there anything you need to do or want answered before we begin?" Hmmm...

"What kind of sentence am I supposed or allowed to choose?"

"Whatever you like. _If_ it turns out to be something... complicated to deal with I shall prove to you I am the best Ambassador the Inquisition could ever have." I chuckle.

"I'm sure you've already proved that. I don't think I'll give you much trouble..."

"No trouble would be best, Inquisitor." She says with a smile I'm sure it's the diplomatic one and I laugh.

"I'll try."

"If that is all," I nod and she continues "then I will see to the final preparations and ask that the first person for you to judge be brought shortly."

And with that I sit at the not-so-comfortable throne, and I hope they change this if I'm going to be sitting here for the amount of times I think I will. Out in the crowd I spot everyone from the Inner Circle plus Chargers. Finally I see Varric, I hope he doesn't get away before I can talk to him. It takes about half an hour before things finally start. People who were murmuring shut up and Josephine has the guards bring Alexius into the hall. There are people who react in surprise, some in disgust, others in anger. I don't like the memories that looking at him brings me; seeing my friends in that awful state, the world crumbling and feeling Solas' pain... not to mention the shock of feeling him gone. I would have him killed but that would be a waste, and I'm not one to waste resources.

Josephine begins presenting him. "You recall Gereon Alexius of Tevinter. Ferelden has given him to us as acknowledgement of your aid. The formal charges are Apostasy, Attempted Enslavement, and Attempted Assassination -on your own life, no less. Tevinter has disowned and stripped him of his rank. You may judge the former Magister as you see fit."

"Do you regret what you did?" I ask him, actually curious.

"No, I regret not succeeding. Now my son will die." He sighs and continues "I don't care about whatever fate you choose for me." So the young man is still alive suffering with Blight sickness. Poor Felix; I wonder how long he has. I sigh at his words though. I really hate when people don't regret their terrible deeds. If he wasn't useful I would gladly kill him. Damn... there I go being cold again...

"Will you offer nothing more in your defense?" Josephine asks.

"You've won nothing. The people you saved, the acclaim you've gathered... you'll lose it all in the storm to come." That's what you think... I know we'll succeed. "Render your judgment, Inquisitor." Well... here we go.

"You probably would rather die, but I won't give you that exit. You will be monitored and protected while you work for us, researching magic."

"You are right when you assume I would rather die." So bitter... but I didn't expect anything else.

"The Inquisitor has declared your sentence, you will await in your cell until arrangements are done." Josephine says and the guards take the man away; and as I observe this I notice he never once tried to escape since he was captured, and I bet he could, after all he is a powerful mage. Are his shackles blocking his magic just like the qunari block their mages? If that's the case why make people Tranquil at all? Aside from fully controlling them of course.

After Alexius is taken away Josephine continues: Next is Mayor Gregory Dedrick of Crestwood, present for betraying his own constituents." I see him being brought by guards and he looks even more depressed than that day at his house. "He confesses that ten years ago, he flooded Old Crestwood to kill refugees and villagers touched by the Blight. The Mayor claims it was to spare the rest of Crestwood, but we only have his word."

"Do you regret what you did?" I really don't know what I would have done in his place... but being drowned... god...

"If there had been another option I would have taken it!" The way he says it makes me believe it's the truth. "There is no cure for the Blight, but I couldn't convince anyone to leave a sick child or husband behind."

"So you herded the infected into one place and flooded Old Crestwood? Were no innocents caught in the waters?"

"Everyone there was innocent, Josephine, they were simply sick." I say low enough that the others couldn't understand what I said.

"Nearly everyone in the village had the Blight! I swear it!" He looks at me with such pleading eyes. "Have mercy. I couldn't tell the survivors I'd drowned their own families to save them! I... couldn't."

I take my hands to my hair to try and think this through. The man killed many, but many more would've died if he hadn't acted fast. "There were no better way to do it?" He seems surprised at my question.

"N-no... we barely had supplies for people in the village, because of darkspawn attacks there was no trade." I take a deep breath. If I let the villagers choose his fate they'll probably kill him, even though they are alive because of his terrible deed. He doesn't deserve death... I remember exiling him in game but I don't think that's very fair either... Josephine said I could do anything and she'd handle it... I take a look at the man and he seems pretty destroyed, and I doubt there was a single day when his action didn't haunt him. Maybe he should do something to improve others' lives. Garden? Helping healers? Helping refugees? I'll think of something.

"From this day onwards you are no longer Mayor, you will serve the Inquisition and improve the way of life of people." His eyes go wide. "I will sit with my advisors and think of the best place you can work. Whatever property you own will be sold and the money will be used to help Crestwood." He is extremely shocked I guess, and Josephine is also surprised.

"I knew your coming meant the end, one way or another." He sighs and continues "So I'm to redeem myself through work? Thank you, Inquisitor."

"The Inquisitor has declared the sentence, you will await in your cell until arrangements are done." The Ambassador informs and the guards take him away. "That is all for today, Inquisitor." I nod and stand up, stretching my body and getting people nearby shocked with the way my body clacks and pops. Josephine comes closer as I notice people leaving the hall. "Should we decide Crestwood's former Mayor's fate now?"

"In a bit, I want to talk to Varric first before he disappears."

"I will talk with the others and wait for you in the War Room." Oh, so we're calling it War Room now? Alright.

"I'll be there in a few minutes." And with that I make my way towards Varric, who's talking to Dorian and Solas. "Look who's finally appeared." I say as I approach the dwarf.

"I'm glad to see you up, Crystal. Kid told me you had recovered." Oh, so Cole did tell people.

"Yeah, I'm better now. So, why did you disappear?"

"Got a lot of letters to reply, others to send. The Merchant's Guild finally found me."

"That might be very boring." He nods and I look at the others. "Well... I'm going to meet with the advisors now and think on a future for the former Mayor."

"About that, man kills over half his village and now he works for the Inquisition?" Varric asks.

"No, he saved the ones he could by killing the others and now he's serving his sentence in the Inquisition. Think of this as being useful instead of being locked away in a cell. I still don't know what kind of work he'll have to do, though. I want something that will make him help others, improve the life of others. I don't like even a little bit the way he killed those people, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same in such extreme circumstances."

"So now he's the Inquisition's slave?" Dorian asks with a smirk.

"No, he's our prisoner, but he works instead of sitting down there getting depressed or plotting against us."

"Hmm. Interesting." I take a deep breath.

"Well... see you all around." And with that I make my way to the War Room.

 

All the advisors are present when I enter, and they are currently discussing my actions. Leliana is already thinking about someone to keep watch over Alexius and Cullen is complaining that the man should have been punished. "He was punished, or do you think he is happy helping us?" I ask and he sighs.

"You know I expected something harsher on a man who attempted what he did." He says.

"I know. And if he wasn't useful I would probably have sentenced him to death." I take a deep breath. "The things I lived in that future, Cullen... I don't think I'll ever forget."

"I apologize, Inquisitor." He quickly says. "I didn't meant to assume that-"

"It's fine. Just get someone to watch over him while he researches magic for us. Dorian agreed to work with him whenever he's not travelling with me and will see that another trusted mage can take his place when he is. So... the former Mayor."

"I don't think a man who has killed his own people should live." Cullen says. He sure is in a murderous mood.

"He killed them so others could live."

"That is what he claims." Cassandra says.

"Leliana, you were fighting darkspawn along with the Wardens during the Blight. Do you think what the former Mayor claims is that absurd?"

"Not at all. Ferelden was in chaos back then, people were killing each other for a chance of survival. Many villages had been destroyed by darkspawn and the ones who hadn't were cut out from trade so had to relly on their own resources. If they were running short on supplies they couldn't afford to share them with people who were going to die anyway, and who could even spread the disease to others."

"See." I say; a bit morbid, I know. "I don't agree with the way he killed those people. Drowning isn't a kind way of death, but if there was not other way, at least he managed to save the ones he could."

"Another would have chosen to exile him. This links him to us." Josephine offers.

"I don't think he deserved such a harsh fate. He could get lucky and live a good life, sure; but... I want to offer him a chance to redeem himself. He didn't kill those people because he wanted, or because he would get something from it. He killed them so others could live. I want him to work for life. And that is something I need your help deciding. Where would he be more useful? Where would he benefit from more? I don't know what kind of skills he has, some diplomatic skill he must have as Mayor but I don't know what good that could do in what I need him to work on. Helping the healers could be counterproductive if he has no notion of it. I thought about gardening and farming but that would probably be too dull and influence little. Oh, does Skyhold have school?" They look at me as I've gone mad.

"You don't mean you want a murderer to teach children?" Cullen asks.

"No. I want a noble, educated man to redeem himself by taking care of people."

"You're serious." Leliana says with a smirk.

"I'm always serious."

"You know people won't take well to having him teaching children." Cassandra adds.

"Josephine and Mother Giselle can take care of that, right?" Josephine looks at me with a face that screams 'what have you thrown at me!' but then she nods.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Cullen asks.

"Cullen, there are five ways of valuing life: almost losing yours, taking care of people who are dying, watching someone being born, taking care of children and animals and lastly, observing nature. I'm sure the man values life or he would've fled the village instead of trying to save the ones he could. He was Mayor, so he is educated, he knows how to manage things, how to manage people, he has contacts that _may_ still want to be in contact with him despite what he has done. And the Inquisition can use that. I think we could have a decent school that won't just teach kids how to repeat the Chant of Light."

"I can actually see something coming out of this!" Josephine says excitedly and it makes me smile.

"Good! Oh, and why doesn't Harritt have people helping him?"

"The man insisted the people we had weren't skilled enough and would only hinder his work." The Ambassador says.

"Seriously?" She nods and I take a deep breath so I don't curse. "Well he is hindering our schedule with that pride. Have him teach his apprentices then. At this pace my armor won't be ready and neither will the ones my group requested." I hope they have already or they'll have to come with old armors.

"I will notify him and select the best apprentices we currently have in Skyhold." Josephine says and after scribbling something on her slate the continues. "Do you already know what songs you will sing at the tavern tonight?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"I'm sure they'll be great." She says with a large smile. I think she liked that night I sang. I hope I don't disappoint.

"Is that all?"

"Your dress should be complete tomorrow, and you'll try it with the sho- footwraps and gloves."

"I admit when you said dress I thought something with skirt and everything, not... that."

"Dress uniform is common for an organization such as ours in these events. Besides, I find it hard that you could fight in a regular dress should the need arise, even being a mage."

"Yeah... I see your point."

"But don't worry, yours is unique." I wasn't really worried about that, but I nod. "I believe this is all."

"Then I'll see you all at the tavern. I'll read some more while I can."

And I make my way towards my room, where I find a tray with more little tarts that I eat while I go through those damn papers.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now with a sketch :3


	109. Chapter 109

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Singing at the tavern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I present to you: Inquisitor Grace with songs nobody has ever heard before in Thedas! Seriously now, poor Grace is having to be around so many people... under the spotlight is not where she likes to be.  
> I hope you like it! Thank you so much for comments <3

The rest of the morning passes with me absorbed in those papers; Ellana brings me lunch and I eat while reading those damn papers. The rest of the afternoon passes and I'm still reading the god-forsaken papers. I can't look at them anymore! And the worst thing is: **I haven't learned anything new!** Seriously... there are information telling me Celene really cares about elves, information telling me Gaspard really hates elves, and information telling me Briala would do anything for the good of elves. Gaspard pretty much is a monster from everything I've seen, hiding behind his title as Chevalier and noble birth. Celene has worked towards better education, equality and with Briala's directions was able to make it better for the elves -until she burned Halamshiral. It really sucks, but I might have to keep the woman there. Gaspard is too despicable with the things he does and allows towards elves.

 

Free of the heavy mantle I used to pass judgement, I make my way towards the tavern. I don't really know what I should sing. I want something happy, but what could I sing that wouldn't be suspicious? I guess I'll have to rely on Inspiration as always.

There are a lot of people on the courtyard and sitting on the sidewalks, some standing outside the tavern, and I realize for the first time how this place has become a small village, and it will probably grow as the Inquisition becomes stronger. They nod at me as I pass, acknowledging my presence and some whisper things among themselves. I fight my instinct to become self conscious and just focus on getting inside the building.

Inside I spot a few familiar faces: Bull and the Chargers, Sera, Blackwall, Varric and Dorian. The dwarf waves at me and I approach them. The whole group has taken two large tables, and I notice they are saving spot for the others. "Excited, Crystal?"

"More like afraid, Varric." I chuckle.

"Nah, you'll be fine."

"Do you know what you'll sing yet? Can we make requests?" Dorian asks wiggling his eyebrows.

"Requests? Dorian I only know the songs I've sang for the group and some others, I don't think I can take requests."

"I mean the ones you've already sang. There is one I want you to sing again."

"Oh? Sure then."

"Is elven glory coming?" She then snorts and starts laughing so hard she falls from the bench.

"Easy, Buttercup." Varric says while helping her up.

"You heard that, right?" She says while still laughing. "Elven glory, coming!" I frown, confused, but then remember her talking with someone while we were last traveling, about Solas shouting elven glory while having sex. Oh well. I sigh.

"The way you mock his sex life I would think you're jealous, Sera." I say and she chokes.

"No way, y'know I like girls yeah?"

"Then stop this. It's annoying."

"Only for ya." She then gulps down some more of her drink.

"But really, Boss, does he?"

"Hm? Does who do what?"

"Does Solas shouts elven glory when he does it?" Seriously? I sigh.

"No." Everyone looks at me with wide eyes. I guess they weren't expecting me to answer.

"So you've been doing it! I knew it!" Sera says then turns to Varric "Pay up, pay up!"

"I never thought you would answer that question, Crystal." I shrug.

"Sorry, Varric. I just got... tired of this." His expression turns sad then.

"Oh and I uh... I'm sorry about what happened to you. If you need anything, let me know."

"Sure. Thank you." I say with a small smile.

"What got into you two? What's sad?" Sera asks looking at everyone for answers.

"Just that I got sick the other day. I'm better now so don't worry." I say, trying not to get ideas into her head. I don't need more people knowing about this. She's closer than before but I'm still not so comfortable with the way she's so open about everything.

"So... drink anything?" Bull asks and I shake my head.

"You know I don't."

"Well, you might need some alcohol to get through tonight." He winks and I shake my head.

"I have my friend, and you guys."

"There she goes with spirits, bleh." Sera says before drinking again.

"I wouldn't be here without them, so be grateful!" I say and then I poke her lightly on the arm.

"Whatever."

And we stay there, talking about their days in Skyhold so far until the advisors arrive, and I notice Solas comes with them. They all approach our table and Solas sits beside me, wrapping his arm around my back. I give a quick kiss on his cheek and everyone reacts in different ways. "So, when I'm supposed to start this?"

"Soon." Josephine says. "We wait for the bell then I'll give a few words before you start."

"Oh... this is getting quite... serious. I thought I was just supposed to start singing like last time."

"No, we should do this properly."

"Oh well..."

"You'll do fine, Crystal." I hope so.

 

The bell rings a few minutes later and Josephine stands, and asks me to join her. I look at the others but they encourage me to go, so I follow her. She walks to the front of the bar, which faces the entire floor, and begins "Good evening, people of the Inquisition. This night is very special for all of us. It not only marks a day of justice but also a day of joy. Our Inquisitor has been working to make the land safer despite her weak health, she perseveres and makes us stronger. In turn we work hard so what she does can be maintained. And tonight we celebrate it." She takes a moment to catch her breath and I'm really anxious. I didn't expect this speech. "When Haven fell we could save all the civilians and most of our belongings thanks to this woman, she had helped us prepare the simple village in case we suffered an attack. She guided us here to a safe fortress and helped us decide where and what we should be doing next. The Inquisition is becoming an icon in Thedas thanks to her. This tavern is also one of the things she has planned for us. And tonight, she has agreed to share with us a few of the beautiful and unique songs she knows." Josephine then gives me a large smile. I don't really know how I feel about this. "Now, let us receive the Inquisitor!" Everybody cheers and the loud roar coming from Bull is quite noticeable among the crowd. I'm definitely nervous.

"Well uh... thank you everyone. I'm just trying to make this better for everyone." Josephine rubs lightly at my elbow and then makes her way to the bench to sit beside Leliana, who looks at me with a curious expression. "Let me see which song I'll sing for you..." I close my eyes and try to think of something. I guess I should start with something not so slow... Please help me Inspiration. And he does. I snap my fingers, hum and clap my hands to the rhythm.

"Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be counting stars. Yeah, we'll be counting stars." I'm glad Inspiration helped me change the word. "I see this life. Like a swinging vine. Swing my heart across the line. In my faces flashing signs. Seek it out and ye shall find. The old, but I'm not that old. Young, but I'm not that bold. And I don't think the world is sold. I'm just doing what we're told. I~ feel something so right doing the wrong thing. I~ feel something so wrong but doing the right thing. I couldn't lie, I couldn't lie, I couldn't lie. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive."

"Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be counting stars. Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be... we'll be counting stars. Yeah, we'll be... we'll be counting stars."

"I feel the love. And I feel it burn. Down this river every turn. Hope is a four letter word. Make that money. Watch it burn. Old, I'm but not that old. Young, but I'm not that bold. And I don't think the world is sold. I'm just doing what we're told. I~ feel something so wrong but doing the right thing. I couldn't lie, I couldn't lie, I couldn't lie. Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly."

"Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be counting stars. Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be... we'll be counting stars."

"Take that money and watch it burn. Sink in the river the lessons I learned. Take that money and watch it burn. Sink in the river the lessons I learned. Take that money and watch it burn. Sink in the river the lessons I learned. Take that money and watch it burn. Sink in the river the lessons I learned. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive."

"Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be counting stars. Lately I been, I been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. But baby I been, I been praying hard. Said no more counting coppers we'll be... we'll be counting stars."

I take a deep breath, this song is hard to sing. People look surprised at me and then they clap their hands.

"Another one?" I ask and they all say yes. Well... let's see. "New blood joins this earth. And quickly he's subdued. Through constant pain disgrace. The young boy learns their rules. With time the child draws in. This whipping boy done wrong. Deprived of all his thoughts. The young man struggles on and on he's known. A vow unto his own. That never from this day. His will they'll take away... What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never be. Never see. Won't see what might have been. What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven."

"They dedicate their lives. To running all of his. He tries to please them all. This bitter man he is. Throughout his life the same. He's battled constantly. This fight he cannot win. A tired man they see no longer cares. The old man then prepares. To die regretfully. That old man here is me... What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never be. Never see. Won't see what might have been. What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven." I move my hands to the rhythm of the instruments then start snapping my fingers. I don't take as long as the instruments to restart the lyrics.

"What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never be. Never see. Won't see what might have been. What I've felt. What I've known. Never shined through in what I've shown. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven ooooh. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven. You labeled me. I labeled you. So I dub thee unforgiven. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven. You labeled me. I labeled you. So I dub thee unforgiven. Never free. Never me. So I dub thee unforgiven."

They look at me with expressions that range from confusion to shock. Well, these two songs are quite... social I guess. I just hope they understand them in the way I want them to understand them: don't do bad things only because people tell you to do them. Have your own mind. Dorian then waves at me and I point at him so he may speak. "Sing that one with a friend from a dark place." Oh.

"Sure." And I do. 'Someone in the Dark.' I notice people become even more shocked. "Well, now I need a break." I ask Flissa some water and go back to the table.

"You did great, Inquisitor!" Josephine says. "I only hope you don't start an insurgence with those songs." I laugh.

"I hope not. That's not my intention at all." I look around and people are merrily drinking and eating and talking while the bard plays them her usual song. "By the way, how's the things with the elves? I notice there a few here."

"I am still working on that system." The Ambassador answers.

"And I have people observing. I got a few reports of complaints from Sera's people as well."

"That you do!" The elf says happily. "Good you're doing something." I snicker at her behavior.

"We didn't come here to work, did we?" Cullen asks.

"No, we didn't. I'm sorry." I say and drink some more of the water.

"Can we have another song from you tonight?" The Commander says.

"Hmm... I guess so. A last one."

"Make it a love song?" Cassandra asks and I almost choke on my water.

"You should know I don't like singing love songs to so many strangers... but fine." I notice Josephine is also happy at my decision.

"Since we got so many people here, care for a game of Wicked Grace?" Varric offers and I immediately say I'm out, as does Solas. The others accept, but they say they won't be betting high.

They start the game and soon there is a lot of people gathered around to watch, which makes me feel suffocated. I need fresh air, and so I stand and make my way to a window. Cole shows up not much later. "They are happy with your songs."

"That's good." I say with a smile. "It would be nice if it changed a bit of their lives for the better."

"Some don't understand what you mean, but others do. Others understand it in a way you don't want them to." Well, I guess that was bound to happen.

"Cole, do you think I'm doing this right? This system I want to build with Josephine about the way people treat the elves?"

"You want what's best for them. Many people don't agree with you, but you try. You're like him. You keep trying because you believe it's right."

"Well... I don't want to create a Veil, I want people to get along."

"He didn't want to create it either, but he had to. I don't think you will need to do something like that, but there are people who don't agree with you. They'll try to stop you."

"I know. But I won't give up."

"Good." We stay a few minutes in silence and then he continues. "Cullen needs help. He won't admit it, but he needs it. You already know this so I'm telling you. He has nightmares and I can't help him. He's still afraid of me."

"Thank you, Cole. I'll try to help him." Would a dream filter work here? I guess I'll find out. Solas approaches us and I smile. "Are you enjoying your night?"

"I am. You seem to be enjoying it as well."

"Well, I'm not as drained as I thought I would be, so that's good. But I'm already feeling tired so I guess I really can't sing more than the one I promised Cassandra and Cullen."

"He wanted you to sing for him in bed." Cole says and I jump at his words. "But that's not the kind of singing you do for the others..."

"No, Cole, it's not." Oh my god. I'm mortified.

"Cole, I told you not to say those things." Solas says firmly but calmly and I think that's how he would lecture a child.

"Well... uh..."

"She wants to sing for you though." Cole says and I cover my face with my hands.

"Alright, I'll uh... go... sing for the others. A song. I'll sing a song for the others." And I walk towards the table as I hear Solas chuckling and Cole asking "what?"

When I arrive at the desk I notice Josephine is winning, which is not surprising. "Well, I think I'm ready for that song now. Do you want to finish the game first?"

"Oh don't worry, Inquisitor, this was just to pass the time." Josephine says as she gives the money back to the others. "Next time it will be serious." And I notice a threatening tone there. I chuckle.

"Alright, so... a love song for Cassandra." The Seeker smiles and I make my way to the front of the bar again. It takes a few seconds for people to stop poking each other so everyone is looking at me. I take a deep breath and say "Unfortunately I can't stay longer tonight, but I'll sing a last one. I hope you like it. This is a request from our lovely Seeker Cassandra." She blushes and I smile. "Close your eyes... give me your hand... darling. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame? I believe... it's meant to be... darling. I watch you when you are sleeping. You belong with me. Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame?"

"Say my name... sun shines through the rain... a whole life... so lonely. Then you come and ease the pain. I don't wanna lose this feeling... ooooh..." I move my hands to the rhythm. "Say my name... sun shines through the rain... a whole life... so lonely. Then you come and ease the pain. I don't want to lose this feeling... ooooh..."

"Close your eyes... give me your hand... darling. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame? Close your eyes... give me your hand... darling. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame? Close your eyes... give me your hand... darling. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Oooh."

Cassandra's eyes are shining, and I feel happy that I managed to make her happy. Josephine and Leliana also seem to like this song. I notice Dorian of all people also has shining eyes, and as I look around the tavern I realize many people are enchanted by it. Wow. "Well, everyone. Thank you for being patient and being an awesome audience. Good night! And remember, be kind to everyone!" And I make my way to the table to say good night to the others, listening to the people's cheers in the background.

"That was beautiful, Grace!" Cassandra says as I approach.

"You know many different songs, Inquisitor." Blackwall says. "And they are all nice."

"Thank you." I cover my mouth with my hand since my attempt to hold back the yawn failed. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. I would like to stay and talk but I'm going to sleep now."

"Be sure to rest, Boss."

"Will do." It sucks that I have so many things to do... if only I could have the next days just for resting... oh well. "Good night." And with that I make my way out of the tavern, and Solas comes after me.

 

We make our way to the bedroom together, and he is very nice to cast the spell on us considering I'm too tired to take a bath. Not too tired to enjoy my time with him before sleep, though. When we go to the Fade we study once again, and he tells me I'm much better than before, that soon I'll be able to heal people. Yay!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> Counting Stars - One Republic  
> The Unforgiven - Metallica  
> Eternal Flame - The Bangles


	110. Chapter 110

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gift for Cullen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech.
> 
> Hello! This chapter should've been posted yesterday but the last episode of Sense8 came out and I had to watch it. I love it so much and I'm sad it's over, but happy that it was such a beautiful episode <3  
> I hope you like this chapter!  
> Thank you very much for comments and kudos! <3

Morning is uneventful, and when it's time to try the dress I'm surprised by what I see. It is really beautiful. There are so many delicate embroidery around the hems and buttons, it's really lovely. The foot wraps are armored, not only the knee guards; and the gloves are wraps too instead of simply imitating the look. On the back of the vest there is a large Inquisition symbol that I imagine was a pain to make. This time they let me see it on the mirror, and even though I look as sick as before, the clothing makes me look awesome. They insist I should put on make up for the ball, but I'm adamant that I won't. They say I need to look healthy and powerful, and there is so much the clothes can do for me; still, I don't want to hide my condition. The Orleasians can talk, I don't care.

I spend the rest of the day studying those papers while eating and then I go for my dance lessons with Dorian. I don't think I'm improving much, but the tutor says I am. Well, at least I step less often on poor Dorian's feet. I'm not sure I'll have this learned until I leave Skyhold in three days though.

There are some things I want to ask Dagna to do, but I'm not sure she'll be available to experiment on those things. We have to focus on Corypheus after all, but I guess I'll give her an idea and see if something happens. I notice her Tranquil apprentices are deep at enchanting runes, and Harritt is arguing with his apprentices because apparently they're doing something wrong. I hope he's not gratuitously picking on them.

"Hey Inquisitor!" She greets me excitedly. "Can I help you with anything? Your armor is not ready yet, though."

"I didn't come for the armor, don't worry. I was thinking about something and I wonder if you could do it..." Her eyes shine and I imagine she already has her creative gears turning in her brain. "You know how difficult it is to make some foods, whipping eggs and butter and such. Do you think you could create a machine that would do it in different speeds? Powered by an electricity rune that the cook could activate when needed?" She looks idly to a spot beside me, probably thinking. She starts humming and moving her hands around.

"That is a crazy idea but it has potential. What got you thinking about it?" How can I tell her I miss meringue?

"Well... sometimes I like to cook, but I always end up with my arms hurting because of whipping and mixing. I don't really have the control to do it with magic, so I thought 'what if a rune could control the amount of energy in a contained space?' and I thought you could perhaps know how to build it."

"A contained space?"

"Yes like... the ingredients go into the bowl, then the whisk is attached to the arm powered by the rune so it can mix or whip the content of the bowl." She smiles.

"I can totally see what you mean! That would take a lot of tests to calibrate the power required to do such a delicate task but I think I can do it." Now I smile.

"Really?" She nods quickly and excitedly while going to her desk to take notes. "I was worried I would get in your way since we have so much to do against Corypheus but I could only think of you to be able to do this."

"I won't disappoint, Inquisitor! I'll definitely find time for this. It would be a breakthrough! Every cook would be crazy for this, and the Inquisition could get supporters too from this, and money." My eyes go wide.

"You're thinking about selling it if it works?"

"It **will** work -after I get it working of course- and it definitely will catch the attention of everyone. And I can already see this being used to make other things. Woa... you just opened so many windows in my mind..." and she goes scribbling more and I look at her with pure amusement.

"Well uh... let me know what you come up with." I chuckle and she nods excitedly again.

"Will do. Oh so many options!" I shake my head with an amused smile and leave so I can take my bath and wait for dinner.

 

Solas joins me for dinner and he is quite amused that I gave Dagna the idea to make something similar to one of my old world's tools. He wonders what she would be able to make and what it could lead to. He agrees with the dwarf that many things could be done from that same idea. I just hope nothing dangerous is constructed any time soon. It will eventually, I'm not naive, but I hope I don't end up being the origin of a world destruction event in the future because of meringue. He tells me about his day and I'm really curious to see how his mural is turning out. I definitely need to remember to go there tomorrow.

After getting ready for bed, we have some intimate moment and when we go to the Fade he teaches me more healing. He says the next lesson will be the last, and that I should be ready to try it when awake. Experimenting on healing means someone must get hurt, and that makes me a bit anxious.

 

Knowing my time in Skyhold is near the end makes me anxious and it's harder to concentrate on the papers in the morning, even with Purpose's help. I wonder if he's annoyed at me. I decide to take a break and visit the forest so I can center myself again. And it's a great idea because the peace of the place and the atmosphere is amazing. I notice there are nugs and fennecs there now, and I wonder who set them free here. I walk through the woods, trying to reach that stream Solas took me to that day, and I must say I got lost in the way. Well, he told me the place wasn't big enough to get lost but I guess he overestimated my sense of direction. I can at least see the castle so I can get back, but I don't know how to get to the stream. I can't really hear the sound of water to guide me, so I decide to just enjoy the trees and I sit down between the roots of a large one. I stay there for long minutes and indeed the calm inside me grows, and I can think more clearly. The aroma of the place is awesome and the sound of the birds contribute to the peace. It's hard to think outside this forest there are people dying and suffering because of that mad darkspawn. I sigh. I should go back to work.

On the way back to my room I decide to stop by the rotunda to check on Solas' mural, and I'm impressed by what I see. He's working on the Breach's creation and it's even more beautiful than it was in game. The details are really godlike. I doubt anyone in this era could do something so beautiful and so delicate. He probably spent thousands of years mastering this. "It's... perfect, Solas. You're amazing."

"Thank you." He says from beside me and even though for outside eyes we're not doing anything, I feel his magic embracing me. I hate this posturing people insist I must worry about, I wish I could be in his arms right now.

"I wish you could teach me to do this, but I don't think I would have time to learn it."

"Maybe you will. When it comes to you everything is uncertain."

"True." I say with a sad smile and turn to him. "I miss you." I whisper close to his ear and then I walk past him towards his table to look at the open book. There are diagrams I have no idea what they could mean. This is definitely related to trigonometry and I hated that part of mathematics. "You're a genius if you can understand this." He chuckles.

"It is not complicated after you understand the basics. Every high skilled mage should be able to understand this to be able to perform certain rituals."

"Well... guess that's something I'll never do then." I snicker. "I'm not good at this kind of thing... it creates knots in my brain."

"I could teach you." He says as he approaches me, getting closer this time and I can see clearly that he's using the book as an excuse to keep his arm close to my body.

"I'm sure it would take a lot of time... so maybe after Corypheus is dead." If he can die... I still need to think about that. I feel Solas magic caressing my skin and teasing my waist, attempting to flow downwards and retreating.

"I miss you as well." He whispers as his magic flows straight to my folds, making me gasp. I walk around the table, I can't come undone in this place. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing because my body is burning. I look at the door that leads towards Cullen's place and I remember Cole's words.

"Solas, do you know any plants that ward against demon influence?" He tilts his head and his expression shows clear confusion. I don't know if he wonders about why I'm asking or about the sudden change of topic.

"A few. Why?"

"I want to do something and I need a protective plant. Is there any of those here in Skyhold? Do you know?" He takes a while to respond and I imagine he is thinking about an answer. The energy teasing stops completely.

"I believe you could use Spindleweed or Rashvine, I saw them in Adan's shop a few days ago. Although Rashvine is not easily handled. I would suggest you try Spindleweed. What do you want to make?"

"I don't know if it'll work actually, it's a... charm of sorts. It's supposed to ward off nightmares." He frowns.

"What do you need it for? And I have never heard of anything of the like."

"It's something I learned in my past." His expression changes and I guess he understands what I mean. "It's not for me, as you know I'm fine in that area, it's a gift."

"I see. Do you need help?" Do I? Hmm.

"I don't really know. I might since I never handled Spindleweed before. I should do this while there's still sun so... think you can help me during lunch?"

"Of course, Enasa." I smile.

"Then I'll go get what I need." I turn to leave but I stop. "Oh and..." I get my magic to touch his crotch and I see him blushing with wide eyes, "revenge for being unfair..." And before he can do anything I get out of the room, heading towards the shops so I can get thread, Spindleweed, bead and feathers.

 

When I'm by the street I decide to take the chance I'm down here to visit the harts, and I spend some time there with them, who seemed to have missed me just as much as I missed them. Unfortunately I can't linger, so I make my way towards the shops. It takes me a while to collect everything, and I discover they do have crochet needle so I might be able to do something for myself in the future, when I have more time for myself. When I'm done I go to my room for lunch, and I see Solas already there. And he is naked. "What... why-"

"There was an accident with the paint."

"Not that I don't appreciate the view but... why didn't you use magic?"

"I wanted to take a bath." Right... I walk towards him and I notice he is getting hard.

"And uh... this has nothing to do with the fact we're both... missing each other?"

"It might..." He says with a smirk.

"Good... because it would be a waste to let you get dressed now."

"I believe you need to remove your clothing for this to be fair."

"I will... soon..." And I get on my knees to taste him.

It's over an hour when we're finally satiated and clearheaded enough to work on the dream catcher, and his help is really needed after all: Spindleweed is quite delicate and it's tricky to get it to form a circle without breaking or getting loose. After having the circle done I start weaving the web and Solas watches me with curiosity. "Did this work in your world?"

"Yes. I had one. There is a whole explanation for what each element is necessary or why it's in this form but I don't really remember to explain to you."

"It is an interesting object."

"And it's beautiful when it's done too."

We stay in silence until I complete the dream catcher and Solas hums while looking at it. "It is indeed beautiful, I wonder what the others are going to think."

"They probably will think it's an Avaar thing, or Chasind." I laugh. "I just hope it works. It's for Cullen, he has trouble with nightmares since he was tortured by a demon in the Circle of Ferelden."

"So that is the reason he is so troubled."

"Yes. And the lyrium withdrawal too. He hasn't talked to me about either things, but since Cole came to talk to me about his dreams I have an excuse."

"Let me know if it works, I would like to study it if it does."

"Sure thing." I stand up. "Well... guess I should go give this to him and go back to work. I can't stand looking at those papers anymore... and unfortunately it seems I don't have another option but to side with Celene. I'll try to put Briala back with her at least... damn politics. I hate politics!"

"Unfortunately you have to be the one to resolve this."

"I know..." I say almost as a whimper then I take a deep breath. "I'd better go before I start complaining." He chuckles and before I can get away he pulls me to his lap, making me gasp in surprise. His lips capture mine and we kiss for a few minutes before he lets me go.

"Until later, _my heart_." I smile and kiss him swiftly before going to find Cullen.

 

The door to his office is closed this time and I knock. He tells me to enter and I find him sitting at his desk looking at papers with a tired expression. I keep the dream catcher behind my back for now. "You look tired, Cullen." He gives me a sad smile.

"There is a lot to be done."

"And someone told me you have been having trouble sleeping." His eyes go wide and he coughs.

"Who? I assure you I am fine, Inquisitor."

"Don't worry, Cullen. It was Cole, he worries for you. He told me you are still afraid of him and doesn't let him help you." He sighs.

"I don't... trust de-spirits, Inquisitor. He is an uncertainty... something completely new I don't know how to accept."

"Well, I understand that as a former Templar you have your doubts, but you know Cole only wants to help."

"He wants to affect my mind, Inquisitor. I can't- I won't allow that."

"I understand. And so does he. So he asked me to help you." I show him the object then and his eyes go wide. "This is something I used to use back home. It helped me sleep. Back then I didn't have my beach or my spirit friends to help me, so I would have terrible nightmares from time to time. This helped me and gave me peaceful dreams. I... made this one for you, hoping it will help you too."

"What is it? It looks like something a hedge mage would do."

"I don't know how to explain how it works, but it's completely safe. This here is Spindleweed, as you know it strengthens spirit resistance, so I believe it will ward off demons from your dreams too."

"I... don't know what to say, Inquisitor."

"There's no need to say anything. Just hang it over your bed where it can catch sunlight in the morning and it should work." If he has that whole there I guess it should be easy to receive sunlight. "You won't need to do anything else."

"You are an unusual person, did you know that?" He chuckles. "Your health is a mystery, you make friends with spirits even after being possessed by a demon, your magic is different and now you bring me this. In other circumstances I am quite sure you would have been arrested into a Circle, perhaps even forced Tranquil." God, Cullen... you really know how to be appreciative. "Sorry. What I meant to say is..." He sighs. "I am thankful we live in different times, as much as the current situation is terrible. You are a good person and wouldn't deserve such a fate. Thank you, Inquisitor."

"I'm calling you Cullen, you can call me Grace, Commander." I chuckle and he rubs his nape with a small smile.

"That wouldn't be appropriate."

"Well, Cassandra and Josephine call me by my name. I'll leave it to you to decide, the permission is given. Here." I hold the dream catcher out for him to take and he seems reluctant at first, but takes it from me.

"Thank you. It is a curious object." I smile.

"It is. Let me know if it helps."

"Will do."

"I should go back to work. See you later."

He greets me back and I make my way towards the dancing room for more lessons. God, save me.

 


	111. Chapter 111

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last day in Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so short, it was quite hard to write. I really hate 'Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts' and it seems it's affecting my ability to write the events leading to it. Maybe now that they'll be back on the road my thoughts will flow better. I decided to cut it short so I could be free of the tension that comes with preparing in Skyhold and so you wouldn't have to wait more for a chapter. This should've been posted two days ago...  
> Anyway, I hope you like it despite it being short :)

After dancing lessons I go back to my room for bath and studying. The fact we leave tomorrow is making my stomach sick, even with all the help I've had from the spirits. I always hated this mission in game, I hate politics, I hate Orlesian politics, I hate dealing with nobles, I fucking hate that place! I try to focus on what's left of the papers with Purpose's help, and that at least takes my mind off my worries about tomorrow.

When dinner arrives, I take a few minutes to talk to Ellana about the situation in Skyhold for the elves. She assures me Sera's people have been helping, so that's good. I hope it continues this way even after we're away. It's not long before Solas enters and the woman takes the chance to leave. My lovely elf notices my distress and says it's best for me to rest and leave the papers. After all, if I already decided on what I must do and I have some sort of knowledge of what I'm finding in that place I don't need to keep torturing myself. He's right, isn't he?

We have dinner and then we go to bed. We spend hours just talking while snuggled to each other's limbs; talking about what we've done in Skyhold so far, what we've seen, what he's heard. This moment is peaceful, it's nice, but I want to enjoy the bed while we have it, so I start touching him in ways I know will work him up, and I'm happy to see he's as eager as I am.

Our time in the Fade is spent a little different this time. Instead of taking me to the library he takes me to a memory of Skyhold when it was occupied by his people. He tells me the times weren't of peace, but he made sure the people were safe in there. I notice the architecture is different, specially the windows and doors. I imagine those were removed by the humans when they later found the place, which is sad because they were really beautiful. The light coming from the glass shone in many colors and the forms depicted in them was unlike anything I've seen. I notice the presence of spirits around the place, spirits that used to live with the elves. Such different times, it's shocking to see what the world has become. The more he shows me of the past the more I understand his desire to restore it. He takes me to the forest, and I'm surprised by what I see. If the trees in the waking are already very lush, now they simply look... alive. I know they're alive, of course, but it's like even the trees have lost something with the Veil. And there are so many cute birds around too. The motes I've seen in that memory of the waterfall are present here as well. This is so... magical. We spend the rest of the night sitting at the base of a large tree, me between his legs, while he tells me more of what was. Beautiful and happy memories.

Part of the morning we spend in bed, until we have to stop for breakfast. I notice at the mirror that I look a bit healthier than when I arrived in Skyhold; the food had done me well. Maybe the potion has already started helping too. After eating we both go do what we must so we can leave by noon. My tasks include getting my supplies from Adan, my equipment from Harritt, the dress should be delivered so I don't have to worry about it, and last but not less important: cutting my hair. I'll finally be rid of these bothersome long locks. I need to find scissors, though.

It takes me a while, but I get everything and then I lock the door to my room so nobody interrupts me. I need full focus on this, and I even dare asking Purpose's help so I can give myself the best haircut. I'm used to cutting my own hair, but when my focus isn't right I end up messing up things a little, and that can't happen... Josephine will annoy me enough as it is with a shorter hair. She once commented that it was so beautiful as long as it was and that I shouldn't cut it. Well, she'll see.

An hour later and I'm done, now I just need to clean the place and take a bath to remove the hair from my neck and shoulders. About twenty minutes soaking in a lovely bath helps me relax, and when I'm drying myself I feel Solas entering the bedroom. "I believe we should be moving out soon." His amazing voice says from the other room. I step out of the bathroom and the look on his face is priceless. He is so surprised! "What..." I laugh.

"Told you I was sick and tired of that hair. Now I have a really cute pixie haircut." I say as I run my fingers through it. I turn to admire it in the large mirror. Lovely.

"I admit you look beautiful, and I dare say younger as well." I chuckle.

"Yeah, I think so too." I go to the bed to fetch my clothes. Yes, I'm naked. "I wonder what Josephine's reaction is going to be."

"Surprise is likely." He walks around collecting his things; there aren't many as usual. "Do you need help packing?"

"Not really. But... I guess I'd appreciate a little help with my new armor." It's a bit tricky to latch the hooks on the sides. He doesn't even answer, he simply approaches and helps me, then pulls me in to a kiss.

"You look astounding." His compliment surprises me. I admit the armor is very beautiful, but to say that... well, it's unexpected. I'm once again wearing obsidian and heavy leather foot wraps, along with heavy leather gloves. I can see Harritt took inspiration from Lana's previous armor and also gave me obsidian knee, elbow and shoulder guards, along with a large choker. Now that I look at it in the mirror... if these guards were pointed I would look really intimidating, perhaps terrifying; but they're rounded. I notice I still don't have a new helmet, or hat. I love the one Varric gave me but after so long on the road it's quite worn.

After getting my pack we go downstairs to the mess hall so we can have lunch with the others, and the look of surprise on their faces is just as amusing. I don't really know if they're more surprised about my hair or the armor. "Well if she doesn't look even more like an Inquisitor now." Dorian comments.

"You look important I'll give ya that." Sera says. "Just don't let it get to yer head yeah?"

"Heh, don't worry."

"And talking about head, what happened to yer hair?"

"I cut it." I shrug after sitting down. "You all know the old length was bothering me."

"Hm. I might ask you to cut mine next time, you did a good job there." Sera says while chewing.

"I don't know how to cut hair, just mine, really. I could try, but don't blame me if it goes wrong." She raises an eyebrow at me and then waves her hand in dismissal.

"Nevermind that then. I'll keep doing it myself."

It's not long before the advisors arrive and just as I expected it, Josephine mourns the loss of my long locks. I can only chuckle at that. "Sorry Josephine, my comfort matters more."

We finish lunch and I've yet to see Varric. He only shows up when we're at the stables, and I can say I'm only half surprised that he is carrying something. I mean, it's surprising but not entirely unexpected. He tells me it's for me, to replace my old hat. I take the furry thing from him, which is much bigger than the hat and realize it's a hooded cloak, with ears. "Oh my god, Varric! It's amazing!" I immediately put it on.

"Next he'll give'er something with tail, wanna bet?" Sera says with a laugh.

"I love it!" It's dark to match the armor, but it feels like fennec. I wonder how many had to die to make this. I remember that finding fennec leather to buy in game was easy, but it was a game, it was merely a code with graphics attached, this meant real animals dying. I hope they didn't die just to make this.

"I'm happy you do. Now you can get more comfortable on the road." I really need to give him something next time... something that will change his life.

"Well, we should get going." Cassandra says. "The way is very long."

"Oh don't remind me." We're going to spend around eight days on the road... damn it. I greet Reast and he bends his legs so I can get on him. The look of surprise on the advisor's faces makes me realize they didn't know about this. I also notice this time we're taking an extra horse with supplies.

When everyone is ready we part, and I only hope the way to Halamshiral is uneventful so we can get there fast and be done with this as soon as possible.

 


	112. Chapter 112

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to Halamshiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> So... I'm becoming slow D= Sorry! I'll try to write more, but this part of the story is being really hard for me.  
> I hope you like it! Thank you all very much for kudos and comments! Your nice words make my day! <3

As we get farther from Skyhold I feel my anxiety getting worse. The thought of Halam'shiral makes me sick and I have to remember Love's lessons to get through the day. I try being part of conversations, but mostly I just let them talk while I concentrate on being calm. Reast seems to notice my distress and I realize when he does a different move is because he's trying to distract me. The road is pretty much clean of threats, at least this initial part of it, so I decide to sprint with him, and feeling the wind on my face and pushing my cloak away from me is amazing; it's almost like I'm flying. Well, the others didn't like it, they keep thinking I'm going to injure myself doing this.

When we stop for lunch, Solas decides to help me with healing, and he shocks me with his idea of helping. He pierces his finger with a knife, a small cut, but still shocking because I don't like seeing him hurt. I concentrate and focus on everything I've learned in those lessons and run my magic on him, and thankfully I heal him. His beautiful finger is whole and healed. Doing this makes me extremely happy, not just because I managed to learn a spell, but because I could help **him**. If he ever needs it, I'll be able to help him. I'll keep him safe, healthy. For a moment I forget everything around me and just throw myself in his arms, kissing him. "Hoy you two, can't ya wait for the night?" Sera asks and interrupts the moment.

"Can't you just let the two be happy, Sera?" Dorian says while I uncomfortably fidget with my cloak.

"They don't need to shove it in our faces!"

"So you're envious, Buttercup? I thought you were jealous."

"Pff. None of those yeah? Just don't like it."

"Bet if it was you being kissed you wouldn't mind." Bull says.

"Oh shut it."

After that Solas helps me with my Barrier. It's been a long time since we sparred, and it's just as weird. I can stand my ground for longer, and even managed to stun him once, so I definitely 'leveled up'. I wonder if I'll be able to cast a Barrier on others too. I try to cast it on him, but it doesn't work. I guess I'll need much more training.

When I finally join the others to eat I notice we have a much broader selection of food this time, thanks to the extra horse. There are even some pastries that Cassandra says are there specially for me so I can eat more. This is awesome.

 

The rest of the day passes without any trouble, it seems there aren't any rifts around here or artifacts to activate. At least not nearby. Cassandra tells me the scout camp is still days ahead of us, so I guess this area is really clear. So far the only things I see in the distance are white mountains, many white mountains. And I must say, if I wasn't more resistant to cold I bet I would be freezing here. The cloak also helps a lot.

When I go to the Fade with Solas he teaches me the last thing about healing, which is how to deal with the differences between elven bodies and other races' so I can heal them too. I guess until I can try it on the others I'll have to stick to theory.

 

Morning is nice, the weather seems to be in our favor, and after breakfast we move out quickly. After a few hours on the road, we spot a group of red templars that we stop with some difficulty. They are really hard to fight. Cassandra says there shouldn't be any threat around this area according to the information she's gotten, so I guess we'll have to report this to the scouts when we reach them and have a team head around this area to secure it. We destroy the red lyrium cart they were protecting and get back on the way. I hope we can get a team back here before the others pass by or they'll have trouble. The advisors and a group of soldiers should be leaving Skyhold today, then they'll meet with another group of soldiers who have been dispatched ahead. Our group should only meet with the advisors in the inn in Halam'shiral while a part of the soldiers will be smuggled into the castle. The other part will be stationed outside to keep up appearances.

This time when we stop for lunch I don't have lessons with Solas, I have dancing lessons with Dorian, who insists I should keep on exercising the steps if I don't want to forget them. Well, it's pretty weird to dance in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully I don't step on his feet.

I have to say it's much easier to eat when the food is delicious, so I guess I should be gaining some weight, specially now that I also have the aid of the potion. I doubt I'll get fat with all the exercise I'm constantly doing, so at least I can eat without worrying about that.

It's nice to see the way the others seem to be bonding, and I notice the way Bull talks to the others shows he is becoming more and more conflicted about the Qun. I guess it won't be such a hard decision for him to abandon the dreadnought when the time comes. I mean, if it happens that way. I have yet to see a companion 'mission' play out.

 

By the time we stop for the night I'm astounded by the beauty of the nature around us. The mountains are farther now and the snow-covered trees take over most of what I'm able to see. The colors of twilight shining on the white surfaces give off such an alien vibe; even when I was in Haven I never saw this, not with this intensity. Actually, I never _felt_ different. I guess something has changed in me and I wonder what. My life is so completely different now, I'm definitely not who I was before I got here, or before I became Inquisitor. Am I still myself? "You are you. You're just _more._ " I'm surprised to hear Cole beside me. He usually disappears when we're on the move.

"What do you mean by more?"

"You grew, you learned, you got help, you are more. Like I'm more. But you're different from me. You're different from them too." I frown.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what makes you different, you shine different." This reminds me of the conversation in game.

"Because of the mark? Or that I'm a mage?"

"No. You think I'm talking about what you know. That's not it. You are different in that way too, but you're more. I don't know how to say this." He seems distressed.

"Don't worry, Cole. I'm sure I'll figure it out."

"But it worries you not knowing. You don't like not knowing. I want to help."

"What is the matter?" Solas asks, coming from my left, where the others are still setting up camp, far enough not to hear us.

"She is different but I don't know how to explain. She wants to understand, but I can't help her."

"Everyone is different, Cole." Solas says, calmly. "And she is from another place, you know this. That makes her different."

"No. That too, but that's not it."

"The way he speaks reminds me of that conversation with Knowledge." Solas nods in understanding.

"Yes! That's the difference, I see it now!"

"Well... good that you're relieved." Because I still don't understand what that means.

"She told you, you are more."

"I guess I'll have to talk to Knowledge and see if this makes any sense to her."

"She might. She knows much. But don't worry, you're still you."

"Thanks Cole, that's... good to know." And with that he goes off to the horses. Solas looks at me with a confused expression.

"What started this?"

"I was just thinking how everything feels different now. And then I guess I just went through another identity crisis." I chuckle.

"Identity crisis?"

"You know, whenever I start thinking or feeling things that I usually don't, or that I don't allow myself to. Like when I'm blinded by anger or prejudice." I take a deep breath. "I guess that... seeing how everything is so different around me, watching the sun setting and colouring everything in ways I never thought I'd ever see... it just... made it all much more real."

"So nothing was real for you?"

"Of course it all was. Specially when I'm with you. So many things have happened, I've done so much, been through so much." I take his hands in mine. "You've been a huge part of all these changes. You still are." I look at the darkening sky and sigh. "But... I don't know. It's like a final piece of the puzzle finally locked into place. I look at those trees, those mountains, those colours and I think 'yes, I'm here'. And that triggered in me a thought about _why_ it only happened now, you see? What's different now?"

"I'm afraid I do not know how to answer that. It seems you still have much to discover about yourself." He moves to hug me from behind, wrapping his arms around my belly and I slide my hands inside his sleeves and turn my head to give him a swift kiss on his cheek, but he surprises me by catching my lips with his. "You are real to me." My heart beats faster at his words.

" _I love you so much, Solas_." And his eyes are so intense, he has such a beautiful smile.

" _And you know I love you. And I will always be with you._ "

"Hey you too, stop snuggling and talking in that language nobody understands and come eat." Dorian says.

"Now who's spoiling the mood?" Sera asks.

"What? You were enjoying that?" Dorian asks.

"'Course not! But you complained 'bout me before."

"Well... guess I am envious of their love, you know? I need someone. Why is it so hard to find someone in the South?"

"Maybe nobody wants a Tevinter." Bull says.

"Oh you know that's a blatant lie! Everyone loves a Tevinter. Specially when we go around doing bloody sacrifices! They have so much to talk about then." He takes his hand to his chin. "Maybe I should start doing those, what you all think?"

"You're joking, right Sparkler?"

"Of course I'm joking, Varric. Someone needs to make fun of this tragedy."

"Yeah, we definitely have too many Tevinters causing harm." Cassandra says.

"Not _that_ tragedy! I'm talking about my love life!" I laugh.

"Well... I guess we better go join them." I say as I turn in Solas arms to face him.

"Yes. You also need to eat."

"I know. And I've been eating." I end up pouting. God, I never pout. He smirks though. I decide to whisper in his ears " _And I want to eat_ _ **you**_ _later_." I can tell by the heat in his aura that I got him just right, but he is trying his best to keep his expression neutral. "So what do we got for dinner?" I ask as I approach the others. "Ooh shrimps! Nice!"

 

In the Fade I see the wisps are glowing stronger, and I wonder how much stronger they'll glow before they finally change. And I'm so damn curious about what they'll become! My friends have yet to visit me again, and I don't want to bother them by calling them. I mean, I guess if I could call Solas that time I could also call the spirits. So when Solas joins me in my beach he suggests I start on the Spirit Healing already. I'm a bit afraid of it, I mean, that's high level magic. Am I ready for it? He says I am, so we begin. Since the book is here we don't go anywhere, we take the book and sit on the couch for the lesson, that I must say: is complicated.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and, before I forget again, I posted a sketch of Grace in judgment in chapter 108, so the ones of you who haven't seen it, just go check it out if you want :)


	113. Chapter 113

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting to Halamshiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! This part of the story is finally comming to an end, and I can't wait for it! xD  
> I haaaaaate Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts.  
> I hope you like the chapter :)  
> I'm feeling a bit down again and I'm afraid that might affect my writing. Thank you for comments and kudos! <3

After we have breakfast we continue on the way, and as much I hoped for it to be clear of threats it seems the universe didn't want to help me. I mean, why have demons walking by? Have people summoned them? Because there was no rift in sight. I don't really see a reason for them to be this close to the road. Unfortunately these are the kind of spirits that don't like to engage in conversation, so we kill them. As we continue on the way we find stragglers from time to time. Are they coming from a rift like the one in Ostagar? I really hope not.

During lunch I have elvhen lessons with Solas, it's been so long since we've gone through them that it's so refreshing. He helps me read what's in that diary and it somehow seems to be easier to understand. I wonder if those healing lessons from an elvhen book somehow trained my brain to understand elvhen? If that happened then it's awesome because I will be fluent much quicker than I thought.

When we stop for the night, I take the opportunity to observe the stars once again since the sky is so clean. It's a peaceful night, and a very beautiful one. Solas joins me after some time and lets me rest my head on his lap. I ask him to tell me a story from the Fade and he does: it's a story about the Emerald Knights, which I'm glad is not a bloody one.

I'm surprised to see Kindness in the Fade after so long, and after a hug on both of us, to my surprise, she tells me they won't be able to accompany me from this point on, because the area is too unstable and as I have feared for them in the past, it might be too dangerous for them to be here. I was hoping for Inspiration's help in the Halam'shiral, but it seems I'll be by myself. Oh well, it's the time to see how much I've really improved. I'm honestly afraid. After she leaves, Solas continues my lessons in Spirit Healing.

 

I suspected it, in a sense I hoped for it -because it would explain, but I still complained the moment I saw the rift. We were lucky the demons haven't come our way during the night, since it wasn't even that far from camp. The trees have obscured it from sight, large and thick as they are. It was what I would call a medium level rift, taking us a while to close it. My armor was put to the test against a Terror, and I'm glad it held perfectly. Thanks Dagna, for the enchantments! The others are just as protected, but Varric gets a scratch he insists there's no need to heal. I want to try my new skill, so I insist he lets me heal him. It's just a scratch, so I don't have to worry about those differences between races, but it's still nice to see that I can heal a dwarf just as well as I can heal Solas. Varric congratulates me on it and I give him a smile.

Lunch is spent with more elvhen lessons while the others talk, and Cassandra tells me we should get to the scout's camp by nightfall. The rest of the way is uneventful, thankfully.

When we get to camp there is the usual exchange of reports, but we don't send off any messages since the advisors are coming with and not staying in Skyhold. I take the chance that we're in a scout's camp to rest longer, so I take Solas with me as soon as we're done eating. Our time in the Fade is once again spent with Spirit Healing, and I can say I'm finally getting the idea of how it works. It seems the way the energy from the Fade is channeled is a bit different while practicing this kind of healing. I guess I'll only really know when I try it.

In the morning we decide on what we're doing today. The scouts had reported many threats in the area, so we agree to help while we're around. It shouldn't take much time from our schedule after all. I decide to split the team like usual: Cassandra leading Dorian, Sera and Blackwall. I send them after the red templars that have been spotted nearby while my team goes after the rifts. Of course closing rifts with a full team is much better, but we manage without too many injuries, and this time I can help healing. We find an artifact on the way back to reporting to camp, so I activate it. When we're back Cassandra tells me their task has been successful as well, so we continue on the way after having lunch.

 

When we finally stop for the night I'm so tired that I just want to lay down. I guess I'm too used to closing rifts with a full team. Dinner is good, but I don't stay to chat. Sadly Solas has first watch so I don't fall asleep with him. I still hate it when it happens. In the Fade I take the time to take a last look at my castle and call it completed. When Solas arrives he says I did a very good job at it, which makes me believe it's not as good as it should be. But honestly? I like the way it is, so it's okay. We continue the lesson and I notice some wisps come closer to listen in. I wonder if they like the topic or learning, or maybe just listening to us study.

Two days away from Halamshiral according to Cassandra, and I can see the vast plains of the Dales on the horizon. They are far, but sadly I also notice the thick smoke hovering the area like moving rain clouds. I wish these people would stop killing each other. We are not going there, not yet. I actually don't know what we're going to do after the ball. I'll have to check with the advisors what is more immediate. At least settling the dispute in the palace should stop the armies from fighting. Not that it will fix the demons, undeads, rebel soldiers and other threats. Oh Thedas, how lovely you are. But I wouldn't go back to my old life if I had the option. No way. As much as this is hard and ugly, it has awesome moments, and I have the love of my life here beside me. I wouldn't change this life for anything.

Before we stop for lunch we come across a group of Venatori mages with their mercenaries, I wonder what they are doing in such plain sight. Do they really not fear anybody? Are they so sure in their own abilities and their stupid god that they just walk around without a worry? Well, they're about to learn it's not how it works. Unfortunately as everything related to Venatori, we don't discover what they were up to. But at least they won't be harming anyone.

At lunch Solas helps me with channeling energy for Spirit Healing, and it is indeed different. I feel more connected to the Fade, and I'm surprised I glow when I do it. It's not my Barrier, but it's a beautiful silver light all the same. The others are very surprised at the sight as well, and Varric comments that I look too alike with Anders for it not to be scary, even though Anders' glow was blue. Well, I'm pretty sure there are no spirits affecting me, this is simply the Fade.

 

The rest of the way is uneventful, and when we stop for the night I'm glad to have Solas with me again. In the Fade we study more, and the wisps once again come closer. When morning comes I notice the city is in sight, yet far. Cassandra says we should get there before nightfall if nothing gets in our way. This time when we stop for lunch Dorian helps me again with the dance moves, and I'm glad to see my body is used enough to it to almost move on its own. Muscle memory is what it's called, right?

Nothing comes in our way, so we get to Halam'shiral when the beautiful colors of twilight hit on the marble surfaces. It's very beautiful. It also gives me a bitter taste in my mouth when I think this place should belong to the elves, not these racists. I have to take deep breaths very often so I calm down. This place makes me mad. We go straight for the inn that Josephine had booked for us, and I'm not surprised to see elves as servants. They act a bit differently than the elves in Ferelden, less scared, but they are still the 'lesser people' and it annoys me. After everything is settled we head to the restaurant area for dinner, but we don't discuss our plans in the open, we simply talk about the place; it's beauty, it's bloody history, the elves. Sera says she'll try to get into contact with her people now that she's personally here and see if her instructions have been followed. That eases my mind a little.

After we're done eating I go to my bedroom with Solas, shocking the humans who see us holding hands in the open. We share a bath then go to bed, enjoying at least the comfort the Orlesians are able to offer. I don't really mind wherever we sleep, wherever we make love, but I must admit being on a very soft bed is much better. In the Fade he teaches me more Spirit Healing, and it seems I'm catching on quickly. Awesome.

 

The ball is tomorrow, and just thinking about it makes me ill. I wish I had my friends to support me but I'll have to count on what I've learned from them so far. The fact that if I fail my test could mean a lot of people dying doesn't make me any more anxious, of course not. Why would it? Hell... it terrifies me. Solas tries to calm me down, that way of his, so wise and experienced. Also with caresses and comforting me with his energy, his love. I would be so lost without him, I know it.

During breakfast we decide to check on the city for shops, contacts, sightseeing, information and whatever useful things we could come across. People recognize us, and some even seem afraid of us. I thought our reputation was better by now, it seems I was mistaken. In the end we get many books and expand our net of influence, some people will even join us in Skyhold. My walk with Solas through the alienage breaks my heart further because I remember the terrible things that happened in the book. How the elves were hunted like animals, how they were left to die in a raging fire to appease nobles. Solas seems to notice my distress because he hugs me, grounding me to the present. He assures me we'll make things right, and I believe him. And I'll help him.

It's reasonable and expected that the elves wouldn't believe me at face value, but it seems rumors have also traveled here, so when Solas starts talking to them about what I've been doing in my attempt to make things more just I can see they have doubts. Doubt is still better than outright refusing to listen, so it's good. It's also good to see Solas talking to the elves as real people, without that indifference he used to show in the beginning.

When we return to the inn we find the advisors there, just arriving and tired. I tell them to take a few hours to rest and we'll meet in the evening so we can discuss our plans for tomorrow. They agree in the end, and I make my way to my room with Solas once again so we can rest. Tomorrow will be a very busy and stressing day, we all should rest. I'm lucky my rest also includes some really good massage from my beloved, which always evolve to something more... delightful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming next: The Ball.


	114. Halamshiral Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting people and beginning of the investigations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God this is taking forever!  
> I hate this mission as I've told you, I had to play the damn mission 3 times to get information I couldn't from Youtube videos and then I was burned out and couldn't continue it yesterday, then today I wrote over 3k words and I guess I'm finally at the half of it!  
> I decided to cut the mission in half or this would get huge and it would also take me longer to update. I hope you like it so far, I had to use a lot of dialogue from the game but hopefully I haven't made it boring with the few edits and thoughts.  
> I hope to be done with it this weekend, this mission really stresses me out D=
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments, it makes me really happy! And thank you for kudos too! <3

We meet in my room, which is large enough to host everyone and safe enough from curious ears, and it goes well. I'm thankful they didn't come across any threat on the road here, it seems we have done a good job at protecting the place. All the dress uniforms are given to their respective owners and I'm still amazed at mine. Josephine tells us Gaspard should be waiting for us outside the Palace at nightfall so we have the day for the final preparations.

Leliana tells us the soldiers have already began being smuggled into the Palace and everything should be ready when we arrive there tomorrow. Cullen says the 'decoy' soldiers will be stationed outside as planned. Sera says her people have already been warned and should be ready for when we get there. I imagine Solas' people should be ready as well. They all agree with Dorian that I should go through the dancing moves in the morning so I'm prepared for the ball. Damn it.

My companions leave the room so the advisors can update me on the latest sensitive information about what I should expect from the Orlesians and Corypheus' moves. So far nothing makes it obvious who his ally is, and in the end we'll really have to investigate the place carefully. I have to say, I'm **not** looking forward to tomorrow.

 

When it's finally time to sleep, Solas tells me he will take the chance to meet with his agents and make sure everything is set for tomorrow. So what do I do in the Fade? I relax for the first time in forever. Laying down on the warm and comfortable sand, I enjoy the wind and the scent of the sea, the sound of the seagulls flying above me and the presence of the wisps. I wake up rested, but anxious about the day that I have to face. Solas tells me he couldn't get in contact with all of his agents, but that it should be fine with the few he could.

After breakfast, Dorian guides me through the two dance moves I've been taught and I do well enough that he says the Orlesians won't complain. That's a good thing, right? Solas surprises me with asking a dance, and I gladly accept. I wonder if I'll get to dance with him in the Ball. Josephine convinces me to take a relaxing bath, saying that it will help me with the anxiety, and then I have to keep refusing her help with make up. She also complains about the new length of my hair, saying that she had imagined the dress with the long locks, but I tell her I'm more comfortable this way, and that is all that matters.

Despite everything, it takes me over one hour to get ready, and I wonder how much longer it would have taken if I had indeed longer hair and accepted her offer for make up. I have to say I didn't expect the dress to be so heavy in the end, but I guess it shouldn't hinder my movements so much.

We have lunch after everyone is ready and we prepare the last things before we head out. It's weird to basically march towards the castle, with this small detachment of soldiers around us. People look at us with awe and suspicion, and I can't really blame them. This place is still at civil war after all. Solas walks behind me in the uniform that everyone is wearing, and thankfully I managed to convince Josephine to change the hat for a mask. He looks beautiful with it, even though I prefer him without it. Beside me are Leliana and Cassandra, Cullen and Josephine walk ahead of me. I wish I had Solas beside me to hold my hand.

 

The sun is almost completely gone when we reach the Palace, and not surprisingly there are a lot of people outside and entering the place. There are soldiers from Gaspard's army standing outside, as well as the ones from Celene and ours. If only they knew Gaspard also got mercenaries into the Palace this would get so bloody so fast. Nobles start murmuring as soon as we enter the garden, and there are so many voices that I can't really make out the words. It's weird to recognize a man I have never seen before, but I recognize the Grand Duke as soon as I land my eyes on him. And I can't help my stomach turning. Have it ever happened to you to feel disgust at someone you haven't even talked to yet? It happened to me in some occasions, people that would really make me feel sick and I couldn't wait to get away from; and just now, I feel this towards this man. Just to think I thought about supporting him. God, I think I would've changed my mind if I had still arrived here with that intent. I try to remember Love and Inspiration's support, everything they've taught me, how Purpose helped me focus too. I need to get through tonight with the nobles's good opinion, so I must be nice, I must not antagonize them. I try to remember the many papers I've read through, the many tabletop roleplaying sessions I've played, the many roleplaying games I've played in my computer, the many playthroughs of Inquisition I've played, the many movies I've watched, and the many advices I've gotten from Josephine. His voice as he greets me also makes me want to puke and I imagine it won't be the only time I feel this way tonight. "It is a great pleasure to meet you, Inquisitor Grace."

"Good evening, Grand Duke Gaspard. It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person. I've heard much about you." Urgh.

"Bringing the rebel mages into the ranks of your army was a brilliant move. Imagine what the Inquisition could accomplish with the full support of the rightful Emperor of Orlais." Oh well, play nice. I take a look at Josephine a few steps from me and she gives me an encouraging smile. Shit... I wish she could handle this.

"I imagine there could be benefits to such an alliance." It would be a powerful army, sure.

"Keep the image firmly in mind. We may see it materialize by the end of the evening. I'm not a man who forgets his friends, Inquisitor. You help me, I help you." Yeah but would you help the elves? "Are you prepared to shock the assembly by appearing as the guest of a hateful usurper, my lady? They will be telling stories of this into the next age."

"Oh they will love having food for gossip." And they'll have much...

"The Empire needs stability and security, now more than ever. If you have the safety of the Orlesian people at heart, Inquisitor, perhaps you will look into something for me. This elven woman, Briala, I suspect she intends to disrupt the negotiations." As if you don't... "My people have found these 'ambassadors' all over the fortifications. Sabotage seems the least of their crimes."

"I hope you aren't assuming this only because they're elves."

"Of course not, Inquisitor. That 'Ambassador' Briala used to be a servant of Celene's. That is, until my cousin had her arrested for crimes against the Empire to cover up a political mistake. If anyone in this room wishes Celene harm, Inquisitor, it's that elf. She certainly has reason. I imagine the safety of all should be important. I have heard you favour elves, and I expect it will not cloud your judgment."

"Don't worry, Grand Duke, it won't. I will take a look at this."

"Be as discreet as possible. I **detest** the Game, but if we do not play it well, our enemies will make us look like the villains." He sighs. "We're keeping the court waiting, Inquisitor. Shall we?" Now I sigh.

"Of course. Just give me a minute to speak to my companions and I will meet you at the gate."

"Very well." He nods and walks towards the large staircase. I look at Josephine and the others, not very far. I motion for my companions to gather around me and they do.

"Well, you know what to do, come to me if anything comes up and pay attention to everything. Everyone, behave. We need their support, don't antagonize anybody. Cole, pay special attention to the servants, I don't want anyone dead." He nods. "Well, let's go Josephine. I can't do this without you."

And then we move out to meet with the Duke at the large gate. I must say, this place is really beautiful, and it pisses me off that it was stolen from the elves. When we get to Gaspard, Josephine tells me to go ahead and I sigh. Shit. Alright, let's do this. It shouldn't be much different than it was in the game... right? As I step inside I'm overwhelmed by the size and beauty of it all. Of course some parts are just _too much_ but it's a beautiful place. I just wish there was more open windows, there isn't enough fresh air for my liking and I really can't faint here.

As I walk beside the distasteful man I see the nobles whispering to each other, and I can't even imagine what kind of gossip they are already creating. I'm sure Josephine can work around anything, but still... I always hated being the center of attention and rumors, it sucks to be Inquisitor. I keep following the man, who barely acknowledges anyone around, I guess they aren't his supporters, and we get to another door, which is opened for us and I see the large Ballroom, bright and full of people. Gaspard walks towards a man which I recognize as the crier from the parchment in his hands and I take a deep breath. It's time. The Grand Duke walks towards the staircase and I follow him. Shit, there's so many people, too many people. Calm down, calm down. Think of someone nice, somewhere comfortable. Love's lessons, Love's lessons, shit, shit, shit. Breathe, breathe, breeeeaathe. Slow and deep breaths, breathe. That's it. Focus. Forget everyone around you, breathe. Focus on your objective. I must cross this ballroom and greet the Empress. Breathe. Alright. I step beside Gaspard and the crier introduces us. "Now presenting: Grand Duke Gaspard. And accompanying him... Lady Inquisitor Grace!" Alright, greet the Empress. How was it, the greeting? Oh right. I look at the woman on the higher level on the other side of the ballroom and bow to her with a movement of my arm. You're not greater than me, but I respect your power, Celene. "Vanquisher of the rebel mages of Ferelden, Crusher of the vile apostates of the mage underground! Holy Champion of the Blessed Andraste herself!" So many lies... I supported the mages! But I continue moving after Gaspard, who laughs then says:

"Have you seen their faces? Priceless." No, man, I didn't see anything. I was too busy trying not to panic.

The crier continues "Accompanying the Inquisitor: Madame Vivienne, First Enchanter of the Circle of Magi, Enchanter of the Imperial Court, Mistress of the Duke of Ghislain." To think it's a good thing to be called 'Mistress'. "Seeker Cassandra Alegra Portia Calogera Filomena-" and he is interrupted by the woman herself "Just get on with it!" and he continues "-Pentaghast. Fourteenth cousin to the King of Nevarra, -nine times removed, Hero of Orlais, Right Hand of the Divine. Renowned author Varric Tethras, Head of noble House Tethras, Deshyr of Kirkwall to the Dwarven Merchant's Guild. Lord Dorian Pavus, Member of the Circle of Vyrantium, son of Lord Magister Halward Pavus of Asariel. The Iron Bull, leader of the famed mercenary company Bull's Chargers; as the name might imply. Warden Blackwall of Val Chevin, Constable of the Grey, Bearer of the Silverite Wings of Valor." I wonder if he got that as himself or if it just came with the mask. "Her Ladyship Mai Bhalsych of Korse. The Lady Inquisitor's elven serving man, Solas." At that I can't help the frown. They call him servant because they can't accept an elf would work in a high position. Urgh. Ser Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honleath, Commander of the forces of the Inquisition, Former Knight-Commander of Kirkwall. Lady Leliana, Nightingale of the Imperial Court, Veteran of the Fifth Blight, Seneschal of the Inquisition and Left Hand of the Divine. And Lady Josephine Cherette Montilyet of Antiva City, Ambassador of the Inquisition." It takes us all over a minute to cross the large floor as we walk slowly so everyone can take a peek at us, and I finally come face to face with the Empress. Damn.

Gaspard greets her. "Cousin. My dear sister." Then I notice the woman besides the Empress, the assassin. If only I could arrest her now, but there is no proof. I'll have to play this along and see what I find.

"Grand Duke. We are always honored when your presence graces our court." She speaks like a poet, I imagine it's years of training. I have to restrain myself not to appear bored, and bothered.

"Don't waste my time with pleasantries, Celene. We have business to conclude."

"We will meet for the negotiations after we have seen to our other guests." And with that he takes his leave, bowing to her and going up the stairs to the left. I wish I could sigh, but I hold it back. It wouldn't be polite. The Empress turns to me then. "Lady Inquisitor, we welcome you to the Winter Palace. Allow us to present our cousin, the Grand Duchess of Lydes, without whom this gathering would never have been possible."

"What an unexpected pleasure." And the assassin doesn't even try to hide her distaste towards me. "I was not aware the _Inquisition_ would be part of our festivities." Then she tries a smile. "We will certainly speak later, Inquisitor." And she walks away, probably to confer with her minions.

"Your arrival at court is like a cool wind on a summer's day." You have no idea how right you are.

"It's a pleasure to be here, Your Magesty."

"We have heard much of your exploits, Inquisitor. They have made grand tales for long evenings. How do you find Halamshiral?"

"I must say it is gorgeous." Too bad their rightful owners are treated as shit.

"We hope you will find time to enjoy some of it's beauties. Feel free to enjoy the pleasures of the ballroom, Inquisitor. We look forward to watching you dance." Well, I don't. At her dismissal I bow again and make my way up the stairs, where I'm not surprised to find Leliana.

"Inquisitor, a word?" And she moves away. I follow her with a sigh. This started so quickly. We stop by the side where there isn't people around and she asks me "What did the Duke say?"

"He thinks Briala is up to something."

"She definitely is, but she can't be our focus. The best place to strike at Celene is from her side. The Empress is fascinated by mysticism, foreseeing the future, speaking with the dead, that kind of rubbish." I wouldn't call it rubbish. "She has an 'occult advisor.' An apostate who charmed the Empress and key members of the court as if by magic. I've had dealings with her in the past. She is ruthless and capable of anything." I never understood why Leliana sounds so bitter of Morrigan, maybe because Morrigan always confronted her probing and blind faith in the maker? I know I would've hated to be in Morrigan's place; she was like that even in the memory book.

"You think she is the assassin?"

"I think it's worth investigating. Can't be sure of anything here. Both leads point to the Guest Wing. It's a promising place to start. I'll coordinate with our spies to see if I can find anything better. I'll be here in the Ballroom if you need me." And she walks away.

"Sure." Shit.

As I try to find the Guest Wing I'm partially surprised to see that Josephine is actually accompanied by a young woman. I approach and hear her say "Josephine, oh Josephine! Is this _her_?" I smile, I always loved this part of this awful mission. Her sister sounds so lovely, and she's an artist too. I think we would get along well. The Ambassador sighs; she was probably hoping I wouldn't meet her sister.

"Inquisitor, please allow me to present to you my younger sister. Yvette Gabriella Montilyet."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." I say with a smile and she giggles, so cute.

"Inquisitor, I've heard so much about you! But not as much as I want." The young one says excitedly. "Josephine writes but she never _tells_ me anything. Is it true rebel mages in Redcliffe were performing blood rites and orgies before you stopped them?"

"Where did you hear such nonsense?!" Josephine asks, horrified.

"Everyone in Antiva says so! Is it true?"

"Well, there **were** blood rites, sure, but from the Magister's people. I haven't seen any orgy though."

"I wasn't so far off then!" Josephine sighs.

"Are you two enjoying the evening?"

"The dancing is so dull!" Yvette says before Josephine can even get a word out. "But the Empress' gallery is magnificent!" I chuckle.

"I agree with you. And I'm really not looking forward to dancing."

"Dancing is the perfect opportunity to show everyone in attendance that you are not the barbarian some believe you to be." Josephine says, almost as a lecture.

"They think I'm a barbarian?" I ask, amused, honestly.

"You support elves and servants, **and** you are not from any renowned noble house. I'm afraid they don't take any of those in high regard."

"I remember you said some supported my views?"

"And some do. If only they were the majority here. There are so many of the Empire's finest present, and that means they do not agree with you. They've noticed the Empress paying you special attention, but they don't quite know how to take advantage of it yet. I'm afraid this uncertainty won't last long and _we_ must take advantage of whatever happens."

"I'll leave that to your capable hands." I sigh. "I guess I should go see if the others noticed anything. I would like to talk more to you, Ivette, maybe we should exchange letters?"

"Oh I would love that!"

"Do not give her ideas, Inquisitor!" Josephine says, exasperated.

"Well, see you later."

 

I pass by a bunch of gossiping nobles, hoping none of them calls me, but that would be asking too much, wouldn't it? Before I can reach the damn door to the Guest Wing, two masked women stop by. One wearing a purple dress and the other a green one. I think the one in purple is older.

"Inquisitor! A moment of your time, if you please?" The one in purple asks.

"Of course. Good evening."

"There are so many rumors about you, you must imagine how difficult it is to find out which ones are true." She continues.

"They even announced you as Holy, is it true you can call light from the Heavens and shine brightly with the light of the Maker?" The other adds, a bit too excitedly. And it seems Varric's gossip got to Orlais... I can't give them a direct answer if my guide is true.

"Well, I wouldn't be a good Herald of Andraste if I went around boasting about my abilities, would I?" They seem intrigued at that answer at least. "But just between us, I'm sure the two lovely Ladies would keep this a secret, it is true." They gasp.

"Of course we will not say a word! Maker forbid! And they even say you are the hand of Andraste protecting the less favoured in society." The one in green says, more excitedly. I wonder if she's drunk or if that's her regular self.

"I'm afraid I have to admit to that as well." And I try a pained expression. "You see, I wouldn't be doing Andraste's work if I allowed people to be mistreated, would I? After all, she was a slave herself."

"Would you be so kind as to offer us your blessing, Inquisitor?" What? Er...

"What are you doing? You shouldn't bother her with this!" The woman in purple says hushedly.

"It is no bother," I say with a smile that I try to make seem honest, "may the Light of the Maker guide your steps and your actions."

"Thank you, Inquisitor! You are very kind." I wonder to how many people she's going to boast to that she got blessing from the Herald of Andraste.

"If you'll excuse me, I have some friends to talk to."

"Of course, enjoy your evening." The woman in purple say before the other can say what she was planning to. I hope that gets us some favor... I don't even know who they were.

 

So... what am I supposed to do around here? Leliana told me Morrigan could be behind this just as much as Briala, I know neither of them are, but she expects me to search something here. What? How? This isn't a game, I can't simply go poking into places and messing with things. I sigh. I continue my way to the Guest Wing and I'm signaled by a servant while she also shows me a tray with food. I approach her and she points with her eyes to a note under a tiny tart, I take both and keep the note for a more discreet moment while I eat the pastry, which is delicious. I end up getting another before letting the servant go.

Around me are a few gossiping nobles and servants walking up and down the corridor, some with drinks, some with food, others without anything on their hands. I stop by a wall and check on the note, which says: danger in garden. Well, which garden? The large one where there was a lot of dead elves in the game? I don't even know how to get there. I wonder where Sera is, I should ask her to check on this. I spot Blackwall looking at a large statue pretty much like he was in the game, and just as then, there is a man asking if they don't know each other. After the man walks away to get more drinks I approach, getting a tense look from the bearded man.

"Was that man bothering you?" I ask.

"In a sense, but I am used to handling drunks." I snicker.

"I bet, specially when Sera overindulges. Despite that, are you enjoying the place?"

"I can't wait to get back to where things make sense, Inquisitor; these people are crazy. I just witnessed the start of a blood feud between three noble families. Let's just save the Empress and leave."

"So you support Celene?" He looks surprised at my question.

"You may believe the way things are done matters as much as the end result, Inquisitor, but see Celene: say she stole the throne if you will, but in the years since her ascension she proved to be the perfect mixture of strength, cunning and grace that Orlais needs. You may as well crown a bull if Gaspard wins." Didn't he work for a supporter of Gaspard in the past? Was that mess enough to clear his mind?

"I don't like war either, and he likes it too much. Say, Blackwall, before I forget to ask. I didn't know you had that thing. What is that Silverite Wings of Valor?"

"I shouldn't stop to boast about past victories when there is an assassin on the loose, Inquisitor." Right, so that **is** something the real Blackwall won.

"And I should go find Sera. Have you seen her?"

"Not around here, maybe she's back at the Vestibule or the Ballroom. I just hope she hasn't decided to get drunk during work." You and me both.

"I gave her instructions, I really hope she follows them." I sigh. "Anyway, Blackwall, just take this night to see that nothing stays hidden for long, and that sometimes it's best to come clean about it before it escalates into something ugly." He frowns and tilts his head.

"What is that supposed to mean, Inquisitor?"

"Just a thought. I should go now." God, I'm turning into Shepard.

 

As I continue on the way, I see Solas against a statue just like he was in game and I can't help the smile.

"Enjoying your evening?" I ask.

"It has been enlightening. I have not realized how much I missed this type of environment. I do adore-"

"'The heady blend of power, intrigue, danger' and... what was the other?" He looks at me with a surprised yet amused face.

"'Sex' would be the other. Is this something you already knew of?"

"You can say so. Honestly I wish I had never had to come here." He seems worried at my words. "But I'll see it through. Found anything yet?"

"Aside from gossip and some information better suited for our Ambassador, no. But I have been enjoying the food and the drinks." I chuckle.

"Of course you have."

"Oh?"

"Well, it's good food, and you like good food. I was uh... told there's danger in the garden and I got no idea how to check this out. Have you seen Sera?"

"She has not come this way." Damn I hate this place.

"Oh well, guess Blackwall was right and she is back at the Ballroom. Hey, Solas, do you mind saying that thing you were going to say? About the heady stuff?" I smirk and he seems very amused.

"I do adore the heady blend of power, intrigue, danger and sex that permeates these events."

"God, it's even better in person." I lean closer to his ear to whisper "Say sex again?" and I can feel his arousal. God, I guess the energy is heady after all.

"It seems you are not shy anymore even without your friend's influence." He says with a smirk.

"I uh... guess so?" Now he leans closer to my ear, making me very hot.

"Then let me tell you how much I wish I could take you to one of these dark corners and have sweet sex with you while the nobles continue to plot their meaningless machinations, completely oblivious to our pleasure." Damn. I take a deep breath and he chuckles. Well, I asked for it.

"I would kiss you but I think that would shock the nobles too much." He simply smirks.

"Yes, I believe it would. Perhaps we could dance after the negotiations?"

"I would love to." His energy envelops me in a caress and I do the same to him. Wish I could hug him with my body. "Oh well... to work."

"Hunt well." I raise an eyebrow at him and smile. Of course you would call this a hunt. I was going to talk to the others on this area but I guess I should go back and find Sera.

 

Back in the Ballroom it takes me a few minutes to spot the elf, she is behaving and it surprises me. She looks at me with an annoyed face, yes Sera I know you hate it here, I do it too. "Crotch rot. Beats his squire. He's a she. Has a bastard. Extra toes. What a fun, close-marrying crowd." And she points with her head to each person she's talking about.

"Enjoying the evening?" She snickers.

"Enjoying it? No, I'm watching them as you asked, they're all glances and titters, not sure if they're allowed to like you yet. Pathetic. Have to say, they're all lying, but Celene _is_ pretty, good thing we're here to save her neck.

"Anything from your friends?"

"A tip here and there, so far nothing grand."

"Well I got a note saying there's danger in the garden and I think we should check it out. Any friends who could get us out there without alerting people?"

"Sure, give me a minute and I'll find someone."

"Alright, I'll go get some of the others to accompany us and I'll meet you at the Vestibule."

"Gotcha." And with that I make my way to try and find the people I want with me. Who should I take anyway? I know I want Solas, maybe Cassandra. Where's Cassandra? Oh right, she was at the Vestibule, good it's on the way. Cole would be good too. And just like that he shows up beside me.

"Hey Cole." I say as I continue my way to Cassandra, he follows me. "Seen anything?"

"They have faces inside their faces, lying with a layer that tells the truth. I don't know how to help them so I helped people where you saw them dead."

"Good. Where was that?" I stop walking.

"The room close to the library." Oh that, good.

"You know of more killings." He seems sad.

"Yes, and I need your help to stop them."

"Where is she? Wait, you shouldn't be here!" He says with that disconnected voice of his and disappears. Oh god, hope that ends well. I spot Cassandra standing against the railing and go talk to her.

"I'll need your help, Cassandra." She immediately straightens herself and nods. I start my way towards Solas and she follows me.

"Discovered anything?"

"Yes. I got Sera finding us a way to the garden, I got a note saying there's danger there."

"A note? Could it be a trap?"

"If it is it still works for us, doesn't it?"

"You're right. They'll expose themselves to us."

"Do you know where our stash is? I forgot to ask Leliana."

"Yes. It's hidden back at the Vestibule, but you know we can't walk around with weapons, Sera best find a way from there."

"She knows, don't worry." I spot Blackwall by the Trophy Room and decide to task him with investigating there.

"Blackwall."

"Inquisitor, Seeker."

"Since you are already around the statues, mind investigating inside the Trophy Room?"

"Last I saw there were soldiers guarding it. I don't think they'll simply let me in even if I'm with the Inquisition."

"I'm sure they can be persuaded to leave their posts. Send them to Cullen for some stories from the battle at Haven, I bet they'll be interested in that archdemon." I hope. "Or bribe a servant to distract them. I'm sure you'll find a way."

"Is this another thing a _friend_ told you about?" Oh, that should help me.

"Yes."

"Helpful friends the ones you have. None told you who the assassin is?"

"Unfortunately not yet. Guess I can't have it all handed to me."

"Even if they had told you we would still need proof." Cassandra says. "But I _would_ appreciate knowing exactly who we are up against."

"Well, we should get going, I still need to get Solas." Maybe I should send Dorian to the library. Yes, I'll do that. God... this rush is making me anxious. I wish things would slow down.

 

When we get to Solas he raises an eyebrow, probably not expecting to see Cassandra beside me. "I'll need your help, Solas. Wait for me in the Vestibule so people don't get suspicious of a large group walking about."

"Discovered anything?"

"We're heading out to the garden. Sera's finding our way there." He sighs, probably because he doesn't trust the elf.

"I will wait for you." And as he walks away I go find Dorian.

"Maybe I should have waited in the Vestibule as well?" Cassandra asks as she walks beside me.

"Nah, having you beside me probably keeps the nobles away." I laugh and she urghs at me. "Really, I don't want to give my blessing to anyone else tonight."

"You've given _blessings_?"

"I'll tell you later." I spot Bull at the end of the room and I nod in greeting, but I make my way to the garden where I see Dorian. I'm happy the three Empress' maids or whatever they are aren't here. "Dorian."

"Inquisitor! This is so familiar I half expect my mother to materialize here and complain about my manners!" I chuckle.

"Well, maybe I could meet your mother in another situation? Unfortunately I can't stay to talk. Have you seen anything?"

"Nothing useful I'm afraid."

"Then I need you to go search for clues in the Library." He raises an eyebrow. "Leliana had told me there was something to be investigated here in the Guest Wing, I need to go see to something else, so you do it." I give him an apologetic smile. "Find Varric and take him with you, it should make it easier to search, and you never know when you'll need a lockpick."

"Well, off to find our renowned author then." He mocks a greeting and leaves. I guess I'll talk to Bull now so I can concentrate on the other area later. I walk his way and I notice how people look at him, I wonder how they can even think nobody notices they are staring and gossiping about the big horned man in the corner.

"Enjoying your evening Bull?" He scoffs.

"The nobles keep messing with me and they think I don't know they're doing it. This keeps up I'm going to wear someone's skull as my fancy little mask."

"Just ignore them, I need your eyes on things that matter."

"None of that happening around here. Unless you plan on having our Ambassador or Red blackmail these nobles on their affairs."

"Well, keep it in mind, we never know. I'm going to the garden to investigate some 'danger' so keep your ears and eye open for anything suspicious."

"Always, Boss."

 

Unfortunately, before I'm able to leave the Guest Wing, the three women from the Empress stop to talk to me. "My lady Inquisitor!" One says, then the other continues "May we have a word? It is very important." The third says "The Empress sent us with a message for you."

"Well, it's an honor to hear from Her Majesty."

"Oh, she's the honored one, Inquisitor!" Number two says.

"Empress Celene is eager to assist the Herald of Andraste in her holy endeavor." Number one continues.

"She will pledge her full support to the Inquisition as soon as the usurper Gaspard is defeated." Number three adds.

"What a generous offer!" I'm sure Cassandra is rolling her eyes in disgust.

"The Empress believes wholeheartedly that the Inquisition is our best hope for peace in these difficult times." Number one says. And Celene's right.

"She looks forward to cementing a formal alliance." Number two continues.

"As soon as Gaspard is out of the way." Number three adds.

"But we have taken enough of your time." Number two says.

"Please, enjoy the masquerade, Inquisitor." Number one concludes and all three bow. I greet them back and Cassandra does too.

"They're so creepy." I say almost as whisper to Cassandra and she agrees. We make our way back to the Vestibule, only to be interrupted once again, but I'm surprised and I must say even excited to see this woman in front of me: Morrigan. I didn't think she would approach me with someone beside me, it seems I was wrong. I just hope there aren't many dead people when I get to that garden, this is taking longer than I expected.

"Well, well. What have we here? The leader of the new Inquisition, fabled Herald of the faith." She speaks just like her mother. I notice Cassandra getting tense beside me, but I can't help a smile. "What could bring such an exalted creature here to the Imperial Court, I wonder? Do even you know?"

"What would you know?" Cassandra asks, bitterly, but Morrigan seems to keep her focus on me.

"Cassandra, let me talk to her. Tell the others I'll be there soon." I whisper to her and she looks surprised at me, but in the ends nods and leaves, turning one last time to check on us. "Well, it seems I was sent here to fix some things."

"Then maybe I can help you fix some of those." She says with a smile. "I am Morrigan. Some call me advisor to Empress Celene on matters of the arcane."

"A pleasure to meet you, Morrigan." I say with an honest smile. She seems intrigued.

"You... have been very busy this evening. Pulling the strings of your companions, sending them to investigate where you could not reach yourself. Perhaps you and I have the same goal?"

"Do we?"

"You are wise to be careful, here of all places. Allow me to speak first then. Recently I found, and killed, an unwelcome guest within these very halls. An agent of Tevinter. So I offer you this, Inquisitor: A key found on the Tevinter's body. Where it leads, I cannot say. Yet if Celene is in danger I cannot leave her side long enough to search. You can."

"I take it you couldn't get any information from the agent before you killed them?"

"I would not have slain the man on sight, had he not attacked me first. Why? Undoubtedly I caught him in an illicit act. I did not know from whence he came until after the battle, and regret only that I could not capture him alive."

"Believe me, he wouldn't have said anything either if he's like the ones I've encountered."

"Oh? Well, it is pointless to wonder over a dead man. What intentions the Imperium has here I suspect you know far better than I. Proceed with caution, Inquisitor. Not all enemies present are aligned with Tevinter. I must return to Celene."

"Farewell, Morrigan. Thank you for the help." Her eyebrows rise and then she nods before walking towards the door leading to the Ballroom.

When I get to my small and conspicuous group of allies they all look at me with curious faces. "She gave me a key, don't know what it opens but it came from a dead Tevinter agent."

"So they **are** here." Cassandra says and I nod.

"Did you get our way to the garden, Sera?" She nods. "Good. I hope we can get there from where our stash is?" She nods again. "Great. You and Cassandra go first, I'll follow with Solas in a bit." They eye me curiously. "If they want to talk they better talk at least about something that is correct."

"Are you saying you're going to make them believe you are sneaking out with your elven servant on purpose?" Cassandra says and I don't know if she's amused or horrified. I simply nod and she opens her mouth in shock, then shakes her head and says. "Just don't take too long, we don't know what's waiting for us."

"Don't worry." I just hope there isn't many dead people there.

 


	115. Halamshiral Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Investigating the Palace and choosing the ruler of Orlais.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9.7k words, that's how long this second part is. And you know what? It's not really over. Damn this mission lol  
> The chapter is fixed now :)  
> I hope you like it :)

"So, Solas... we already have the eyes of pretty much everyone around us on us, should we go now?" I ask close to his ear. With a swift touch of his fingers on mine he moves ahead first. I'm sure that was deliberate to give even more fuel for others to gossip. I follow him after he's only a little ahead of me. Not that I'm good at sneaking out, but I want them to _really_ think I'm bad at it. I wonder how this is going to affect my points with the nobility? Whatever they think, it's best Florianne believes I'm enjoying the night instead of investigating the place, and I'm sure these gossip nobles would get words to her soon.

We meet the others in a room that is clearly not frequented by nobles if the appearance tells me anything. Back in the Vestibule everything was polished and shining, here both walls and floors have some sort of damage and stains. I notice Cassandra and Sera are already with weapons in hand, including both Solas' staff and mine. "I hope you know what you are doing, Grace." Cassandra says and I shrug as I take my staff from her.

"Well, maybe this will even set a precedent for Celene to ask Briala back openly." I chuckle. As if I could be compared to Empress. "Let's get going. I hope Cole doesn't take long to show up."

"Creepy is coming too?" Sera asks with her distaste clear in her tone as she walks ahead.

"He isn't creepy, and yes. He should be able to help us here." I look around, taking in the storage to the right and what seems to be two corridors. "Did your friend tell you which way the garden is?"

"Yeah don't worry, I got it covered." She heads to the corridor in front.

"Should this be so empty with a Ball upstairs?" Cassandra asks.

"That note she got? Turns out it's true, there was some attacks down'ere. Cook's fine though, says a boy helped her. Friend told me servants scattered away to the other wing but don't even know why."

"I guess that would be Cole helping them." I say.

Sera guides us through two more deserted rooms before we end up outside, and I'm surprised to see how similar the place is to the game. She spots a dead body by a bush and warns us, when we get close we realize it's a Tevinter man. Not very far is a blood puddle, with a trail. We follow it carefully and end up finding another body, and this time I see Cole. "They are after you, but they'll hurt anyone." He says, then before he gets out whatever words he was going to say, he gasps and disappears. Then I hear a female scream and really hope it's not a dead servant.

We rush ahead towards the sound and thankfully the woman is saved, pushed aside by Cole. "Well done, Cole!" I say with a smile as I prepare my Barrier. I feel Solas casting his over everybody and we start the battle against the four Venatori who would have killed the girl. "Try not to destroy the garden, guys." And I wonder if the absence of guards is Florianne's doing.

The battle is quick, Cole really knows where to strike and Sera seems to have been itching to hit someone. When we're done, Cassandra walks to the servant who is scared and crouched by a large planter, without a clear way to run it seems or I guess she'd have run away by now. "Are you injured?" The Seeker asks and the woman shakes her head.

"They killed the emissary! Tried to kill me too 'cause I saw it!"

"Who did? Where's the emissary?" Cassandra asks before I can.

"Over there." She points with her head to the way the Venatori came from.

"Alright." I say. "Get to a safe place, we'll take care of this." I wonder if she's one of Briala's people and how many Cole was able to save.

She nods and I watch her leave, hoping she doesn't encounter any trouble on the way. With a deep breath I start walking towards the way she pointed, and I hear Sera say that the bodies didn't have any clue on them. I expected as much. I wonder if that harlequin will be here. It should have been the one to strike at the servant, but so far there's no sight of them.

Turns out the place where the emissary has been killed is very similar to the one in the game, with a fountain and everything. "The crest of the Chalons family. Duke Gaspard will answer for this." Cassandra says.

"He either is working with the Venatori or they tried to frame him." I say to give them food for thought. "Or maybe it's Florianne's, she is a Chalons too."

"But she is the one who brought the peace talks!" The Seeker says.

"I wouldn't put it past her. Nobody here can be trusted, remember?"

"Over there!" Cole points to an open window and I see the harlequin passing by with at least two more Venatori.

"Alright... how do we get there?" I ask.

"Climbing?" Sera offers and I raise an eyebrow at her. "Come on, it's the fastest way."

"They'll see us and strike us from advantage." Cassandra points out.

"Let us enter the building then." Solas says as he walks towards the place. I follow, but it takes us a while to find a door.

Unlike in the game, the place isn't full of groups of Venatori, but it's just as confusing to walk around as it was there. Thankfully Cole seems able to 'feel' their desire to hurt others and he guides us. We rush ahead and I have to control myself not to cast Veil Strike on them. If I do it's very likely that I'll destroy part of the place, and I don't want to damage it. It sucks that they have a mage with them this time, and the harlequin is there too. I have to say I'm afraid, because harlequins were hard to fight and I don't have my massive group with me this time.

Thankfully Cole is able to sneak behind an archer and kill him quickly, but the mage is just as successful in dispelling the Barrier over Solas and I. It's so weird to have the Barrier simply disappear, for a second I feel naked. I can't recast the Barrier right away, and the mage takes that window of time to throw lightning at me. Everything turns dark and when things focus around me I'm panting and on my knees. God, I don't think I can describe the feeling. I can't breathe, I can't even think and everything burns inside and out. I look around and see they are still fighting, there is one soldier and the harlequin. Then I hear a voice behind me. "It seems you've beaten me to it." And as I turn my head to look at the woman I see a dagger being thrown. Briala is here. This is not how I wanted to meet her. There is still fighting, and I turn to see Cassandra bashing the harlequin into a wall, only for them to be pinned by Sera's twin arrows and stop moving.

Soon I feel Solas hands on me, but he quickly removes them as I complain in pain. I can't see how my skin is, but it hurts. I still can't breathe well, my heart is hammering and there is so much pressure inside my chest that I think I'm going to burst. I'm hot, thirsty and everything is blurry. I think I'm going to faint because I can barely hear his words.

 

I'm feeling peaceful, it's strange. Just now I was in the middle of a bloody battle and everything hurt so much. The wind on my face feels so refreshing, it doesn't burn anymore. I wonder where the sound of water comes from though. Wait, it's not simply water, it's waves. How can there be waves here? I open my eyes and I see that beach, the one where I met the person who brought me to Thedas. Oh no. Have I died? But I can't die! I sit up and see the person sitting beside me, looking at the dark ocean. It's night just like it was then. "Did I die?"

"You would have if you could." Shit.

"What now? I have to get back, Celene is in danger!"

"She is, isn't she? You were going to let her die, just as you have let many others. You have also taken the life of many."

"Because they would have killed me or my friends."

"You care much now. You worry about others, about yourself. You have improved."

"Am I not going back? Is this how it ends?" I worry, my chest tightens. I had so much to do, I was so happy with my friends and Solas. Oh Solas... and if I die now Corypheus wins, right? Who's going to stop his next breach if I die?

"What would you do if you couldn't go back?" The person turns to look at me, and I still can't see the face under the veil.

"I... don't know. What would happen to me?"

"I cannot tell you that. Would you ask me to let you return or would you continue your path elsewhere?"

"Return, of course! They need me, the Anchor. And I need them!"

"They could eventually find a way without you, or without the Anchor as you wish to enphasize. You seem to still believe nobody truly cares about who you are."

"No... it's just... habit... I guess. I know some of them care about me. I know Solas does."

"Does he? Isn't he simply using you to achieve his goals?" I frown.

"Why would you say that? Of course he wouldn't do that!"

"Wouldn't he? You know he is capable of much."

"He is, but I feel his truth, his feelings. I believe him."

"He is old, he is very skilled, he could control how you perceive his energy and feelings, couldn't he?"

"I think he could, but he doesn't do it with me. I know, I feel deep inside me. Why are you trying to make me doubt him?"

"If I told you you can return, but only if I took his life in turn, would you accept?" What? "You would be able to save the world, defeat that man who wishes to destroy it, you could see your friends again and complete your life there. Without the man you love."

"I could never take his life!"

"Do you think he would not choose his people over your life? If it was offered to him the opportunity to completely undo his mistakes and in turn he only had to give your life, wouldn't he accept it?" I... don't think so. Would he?

"I don't know. But... I would still forgive him, I would understand. It's the lives of many after all, the chance for his people to be free and live as they should, for the world to be whole."

"Do you value your life that little?"

"No, I value my life, now more than ever because I can do much with it. But their lives still matter more than mine." The person looks at the sea again.

"Would you offer his life in turn for the world he wishes to have?" I frown.

"Why are you asking these questions?"

"Just answer honestly. I will know if you lie."

"I... could never see him dead."

"But doesn't the lives of many matter more than a single one?"

"I..." I whimper. "I couldn't."

"I see." They look at me again. "You will return to your body now, you may continue your life as it was. I apologize about the pain you are going to feel when you awake, but that was the deal." Shit.

"And the questions? What were they for?"

"One day you'll know. Now, wake up."

 

I open my eyes the moment my whole body trembles and everything hurts so intensely. Before I can even register what is going around me I pass out. I wake up again some time later and everything is green around me. Am I inside a rift or what? I can hear a humming, and I notice the source is my hand. "Thank the Maker you woke up!" Cassandra? I turn my head and see her above me. Where am I? I look around and realize I'm on a bed.

"How long?" I ask, that is the most important thing now. We don't have time to lose, we need to protect Celene.

"A few minutes, but I was so worried!" She says as she approaches, stopping a few steps away from me, as if the green glow could harm her.

"What is going on? Where's Briala? Solas? The others?" I ask as I try to sit up, but it hurts, not as much as before, but still hurts, like when an old wound that refuses to heal and always reminds you it's there when you move.

"Briala is outside with Sera, Solas is investigating with Cole. Cole said there was something you wanted them to pick up?" No idea...

"Well... good they remember because I don't. What is going on with my hand?" I try to get out of the bed but everything spins; I'll have to wait a little longer.

"It flared when you passed out. It seems to be healing you because your skin is normal now." My skin?

"What do you mean?" My body is completely covered in armor except my head so I got no idea. Well, there are my toes but they seem normal.

"You had awful burns because of the Lightning Strike." Oh. That explains the pain, and why I not-died.

"It seems the mark saved me again... weird thing..." I try to stand again and this time I manage, but I can't walk. I hope I can recover faster because I still need to dance. And close a rift, and stop Florianne. Shit.

"Normally I would ask you to rest but we can't afford it." She offers me her arm for me to use as support.

"I know. Thank you." The mark is still quite active, but now the glow range is reduced to my hand. I hope it doesn't trigger anybody. I don't even know how it's healing me, I'm not controling it.

"Are you feeling better, Inquisitor? That was quite the scare you gave us." Briala says as we go outside the room. I see Sera with an annoyed face, I bet she didn't enjoy talking about elves' lives with their Orlesian leader.

"Yes, thank you. I'm surprised you stayed, Ambassador."

"I wish to thank you for helping my people, and there are a few things I wish to discuss with you."

"There she goes with the elves-elves-elves." Sera says and I squint at her. "I'll be over there."

"It saddens me to see an elf who doesn't support us." Briala says.

"My hope is that she'll come around."

"I have heard rumors that you wished to help the elven people, I can see it is true."

"It is."

"The Council of Herald's emissary in the courtyard... that's not your work, is it?"

"Venatori." Cassandra's arm twiches and I guess it's in surprise by my honesty with a suspect.

"I misjudged you, Inquisitor. You might just be an ally worth having. What could you do with an army of elven spies at your disposal?"

"And what would you want in return for your help?"

"You say you wish to help the elves. Help **me** help them. I know which way the wind is blowing. I'd bet coin that you'll be part of the peace talks before the night is over. And if you happen to lean it a little bit our way? It could prove advantageous to the both of us."

"Do you think you could turn the situation of the elves for the better after everything that happened?"

"If I did not think so I would still find a way. I would do anything for my people, Inquisitor."

"I'll keep your offer in mind, Ambassador." She nods and moves out to the balcony.

"That is all I ask." And she jumps down. I wish my body could stand that so I could use the shortcut too, but I can't and I still haven't had the time to practice flying.

"That went well." I say as I look around; no sight of Solas and Cole.

"You're thinking about supporting her, aren't you?" Cassandra asks and I can feel the distaste.

"I would like to, I really don't like what Celene did to the elves, but there's no way Briala could become Empress. I **hope** we can give her solid power so she can help them."

"I think Gaspard would be a more practical option, he could help us greatly against Corypheus."

"He could, then what happens after Corypheus is defeated? He marches against Ferelden and starts another war? He likes his battles too much."

"You... might be right." She sighs. "I should think ahead and not only about the moment."

"That would be a good skill to have" I chuckle then I frown as we continue alone in this corridor. "Do you know where Solas and Cole went to? They're taking so long. Maybe we should go after them. What if they found more Venatori?"

"They went that way." Sera says, pointing to the end of the corridor.

"Well, then let's go." We don't need to walk much before I see the two coming our way. The moment Solas notices me he rushes and soon I'm in his arms. He takes a deep breath and I bury my face in the crook of his neck. This is definitely not how a man who would bargain with my life would act. "We're lucky there's no noble here to gossip about this." I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. I can feel his worry, it's deep. He was hurting.

"Come on, we got a ball to return to." Cassandra says. "Did you find what you went looking for?"

"Yes." Cole says, then Solas parts with a sigh. I pull him for a quick kiss before letting him go.

"Here." Solas says as he gives me a necklace. "Cole insisted that you would need this."

"She needs it to mend the hurt." The spirit says. Oh, Briala's gift.

"Thank you, Cole. This is important." I say with a smile.

"What is that?" Cassandra asks as we walk back, faster now that I can properly walk.

"A gift from Briala to Celene." Solas says, getting an 'oh' from the Seeker.

"Heh, the Empress can't give up her pretty things." Sera says.

 

We make our way out and just like in the game there are some armed elves around now, Briala's people, no doubt. They greet us as we pass by and I notice some are taking care of Venatori bodies. I honestly don't remember if those are the ones we've killed. Could there have been more? We need to go back through the way we've come because we need to leave the weapons at the stash, but at least returning is faster because we know the way.

When we're back at the Vestibule I notice people talking, and they probably are creating all sorts of stories about the Inquisitor being away for so long with her elven servant. Solas walks away to the Guest Wing, Cole is nowhere in sight -again- and Sera is already walking towards the Ballroom. I wonder if the nobles will also think Cassandra has an affair with Sera? "You'll stay here?" I ask her and she nods.

"Someone has to watch this area." True.

"I'll go talk to Leliana and the others and see if they found anything."

Before I can reach the Spymaster, however, I'm approached by the assassin. I hold back a sigh and force a smile with a nod. "Good evening, Grand Duchess Florianne."

"Inquisitor Grace." She says without even a polite smile. "Welcome to my party."

"Thank you. It's been lovely."

"I am delighted you think so. I believe tonight you and I are both concerned by the actions of... a certain person." She walks away, expecting me to follow, and I do. "Come, dance with me. Spies will not hear us on the dance floor." If that was true I wouldn't win or lose points depending on my choices in game.

"I'd love to." And we walk down the stairs towards the dance floor. I notice the way people turn their heads to look at us, do they think their masks protect them to that level or they simply don't care about being obvious? I try to focus on my lessons and start the dance, and seeing the way Florianne moves she expects me to lead this. Well, good thing Dorian helped me with that.

"Much about you is a mystery, but tell me: What do you know about our little war?"

"That the effects of this war reach far beyong the borders of the Orlesian Empire, for one."

"Perhaps it does. I should not be surprised to find the Empire is the center of everyone's world. It took great effort to arrange tonight's negotiations. Yet one party would use this occasion for blackest treason. The security of the Empire is at stake. Neither of us wishes to see it fall."

"Is that so?"

"I hope we are of one mind on this."

"It's so hard to tell friends from foe at such times, isn't it, Your Grace?"

"I know you arrived here as a guest of my brother, Gaspard. And have been everywhere in the Palace. You are a curiosity to many, Inquisitor. And a matter of concern to some."

"What am I to you, Your Grace? Curiosity or concern?"

"A little of both, actually. This evening is of great importance, Inquisitor. I wonder what role you will play in it. Do you even yet know who is friend and who is foe? Who in the court can be trusted?"

"Who can, I wonder? I learned not to trust easily, Your Grace."

"In the Winter Palace, everyone is alone. It cannot have escaped your notice that certain parties are engaged in dangerous machinations tonight."

"I thought that was an Orlesian hobby."

"You have little time." She says, before I let her roll away at arm's length. "The attack will come soon," she continues when she's back in front of me. "You must stop Gaspard before he strikes." We start walking to the edge of the dance floor. "In the Royal Wing Garden, you will find the captain of my brother's mercenaries. He knows all Gaspard's secrets. I'm sure you can persuade him to be forthcoming."

"We'll see what happens, won't we, Your Grace?" I greet her before walking away.

 

I take a deep breath, I can't believe I managed that on my own. I look at my gloved hand, still humming but not flaring green anymore. I frown as I think how it can be acting this way, it does nothing when I try to control it but it can heal such serious wounds on its own? I really need to find out more about these changes. "We need to take you dancing more often!" Josephine's voice takes me from my thoughts.

"Oh no, please don't. I don't even know how I survived that."

"Because you were prepared by a great tutor, of course." She gives me a smile that I almost imagine it's a teasing one. Can she tease? Before any of us say anything else, Leliana approaches along with Cullen.

"Were you just dancing with the Duchess?" The Spymaster asks and I nod.

"More importantly, what happened in the garden? I heard there was fighting." Cullen says and I sigh.

"I don't wish to add more pressure, but I hope you have good news." Josephine adds. "It appears the peace talks are crumbling." I take a deep breath.

"Alright, here's the thing." I say with a low voice. "There were Venatori in the gardens, they killed a Council of Heralds' emissary with a dagger from Gaspard's family and were trying to kill Briala's people and servants. Thanks to Cole the elves got away. Briala thinks Gaspard is up to something, and Florianne also points at her brother, but I think she's lying."

"Florianne and her brother are thick as thieves." Leliana says. "But she would give him up in an instant to save herself."

"Then the attack on the Empress _will_ happen tonight." Cullen says, and he sounds disappointed. Was he really hoping nothing would happen?

"Warning Celene is pointless. She needs these talks to succeed, and to flee would admit defeat." Josephine says.

"Then perhaps we should let her die." Leliana says, so coldly. Cullen and Josephine look at her with horrified faces. "What Corypheus wants is chaos. Even with Celene alive, that could still happen. To foil his plan, the Empire must remain strong. This evening, _someone_ must emerge victorious."

"And it doesn't need to be Celene." Cullen says. How can he accept that plan so quickly?

"Do you realize what you're suggesting, Leliana?" Josephine hasn't accepted it.

"Sometimes the best path isn't the easiest one." The Spymaster says, so plainly. And she says Morrigan is ruthless. "Blackwall brought me documents that can easily be used to blackmail Gaspard, we could control him. Perhaps even enough to have Briala behind him, give the elves the chance they need and bring true peace to Orlais."

"There is so much blackmail can do, he wouldn't be under control for long and he really despises elves. Not to mention he loves a war, it wouldn't surprise me if he still managed to create more conflict."

"We should save Celene, that is what we came here to do and she _is_ the rightful ruler." Josephine says. "Why would we do otherwise?"

"Because she led Orlais to this point." Cullen says. "I say Gaspard, provided his sister is wrong about him. He is a Chevalier and an honourable man. Or was. What you call 'love for war' I call 'war experience.' Sometimes it is needed." What did I expect from a Commander of forces?

"I can't have Gaspard as Emperor, he would destroy everything Celene created." The University would probably go back to being controled by the Chantry, culture and art would be treated as shit, he would kill elves for sport. "He can't be blackmailed for life, he would find a way around it. Otherwise I would accept your suggestion, Leliana. But I don't think it would work, we could... get Celene and Briala back together and try to reinforce the nobles' acceptance of it. Without the nobles and the Chantry to pressure against Celene's choices for a better Orlais that includes elves it could work for a longer term."

"And just how do you think that would be possible?" Leliana asks and I pull the necklace discreetly from my belt's pocket.

"This was a gift from Briala to Celene, it was carefully kept. She still loves Briala. I don't know if Briala can set aside their differences to work for the Empire _and_ the elves, but if she can, this should show the Ambassador the Empress still cares."

"With the support of the Inquisition their reconciliation could bring stability to the Empire. But we still need more proof." Josephine says, and I think she's amused. I slip the necklace in the pocket again.

"I should go investigate the lead Florianne gave me." The trap. "Oh and, she _did_ say I was running out of time so... I guess you should prepare the soldiers just in case."

"Will do." Cullen says and I start walking towards the creepy maids. Time to get this matchmaking going... oh Love how I would love your help here. I don't even know who's around me and who's talking, in order to concentrate on my tasks I've been tuning everyone else out. I need to focus on what I need to do, if I open myself to the crowd I'll panic, and I can't.

"Evening, Ladies." I greet them.

"Is there something we may do for you, Inquisitor?" Number two asks.

"We so enjoy speaking with you." Number one says.

"We will speak to the Empress on your behalf." Number three adds.

"I found something I think Her Magesty would like to know about? An elven locket?"

"Oh dear." Number three says in a mournful tone.

"That is very interesting." Number two says.

"I'll get Her Magesty." Number one says, quite urgently. They all walk away though, not only Number one. I watch as they whisper to Celene and soon the Empress walks my way.

"Inquisitor, I regret that we did not have time to speak earlier." She seems **very** worried. What are these masks for? Because they really don't hide anything. "No doubt you have questions about many things."

"I found a locket from Briala."

"She gave it to me for my coronation. I don't know why I kept it. It was a foolish thing to do."

"Maybe because you care? What made you two break up?" I wonder if she'll lie.

"She wanted change. And she thought I should deliver it. My word is law, Inquisitor, but laws don't command people's hearts. Culture does not transform itself overnight. I failed her." She says with such pained face that I'm inclined to believe she's really hurting. "I should have dared more. But the past, like so many things, is beyond my command."

"If you care for her, maybe you should try again?"

"Perhaps I care, but I cannot put her above all the people of my Empire." She turns serious then. "Dispose of the locket however you like. It means nothing to me." And she walks away. I sigh. Well, time to see Briala.

 

I find her in one of the balconies, and I wonder how she can be in touch with her spies from here. "Good evening, Ambassador."

"We meet again, Inquisitor. You seem much better already."

"I am. And I found a locket among Celene's things. Am I right to think it's yours?" She gasps.

"Let me see it! I can't believe she kept it!" I take it from the belt and she takes it from me. "What was she thinking? If Gaspard had found this it would have ruined her."

"Maybe her feelings mattered more than logic?"

"Maybe it did..." She says softly as she looks at the object in her hands. "She held on to it..."

"Briala... I know what happened in Halamshiral, with the elves, with your arrest..." She looks seriously at me then. "Would you be able to forgive her if it meant being with her again? If it meant pushing her towards the changes that must happen for the elves?"

"I..."

"You asked me to help you help the elves, but I must be honest and ask _you_ to do the same. There is so much I can do as Inquisitor, and with your help, with the power Celene has in her hands, I believe we could do much together."

"You have an elven lover, do you not, Inquisitor? Tell me: If you had to let him go in order to keep your position as Inquisitor, would you?" I know Solas would leave me if he had to. Could someone else do what I must do? Would someone be willing to work just as hard for the elves if I stepped down?

"I'm not sure." I can see a sad smile behind her mask.

"He is lucky to have you, Inquisitor." She slips the locket in her dress' pocket then. "I pray you never have to make that choice. I will think about what you said."

"Until later." I nod and leave her so I can go gather the others to investigate the Royal Wing. I guess Florianne won't act until I spring her trap. She needs me busy so I don't interfere, right?

 

Before I can leave the Ballroom, however, I'm stopped by the creepy maids just as the bells ring. "A moment, Inquisitor?" Number one asks.

"Her Majesty wishes to speak with you." Number two adds.

"Come with me, please?" Number three concludes before walking ahead. I guess I don't really have a choice, do I? What's this about? I just talked to her.

"Inquisitor." Celene says when we arrive back at her spot. "I was just told you can sing beautiful songs nobody has ever heard before. Would you honour us with one?" Oh shit.

"I would be delighted, Your Majesty. But I must say, I am no minstrel. I have sung for my friends in much simpler rooms, I could never be worthy of performing for an Empress in such grand place."

"Your modesty does you credit, and speaks well for the Inquisition. We will be honoured to listen to your unique music." Oh well.

"Then I shall." She nods and approaches the railing, calling for the attention of all. She then asks for the band to stop playing.

"It was brought to my attention the Lady Inquisitor is a marvelous singer. Let us all listen to her unique song." Marvelous? Oh shit. I'm far from marvelous.

"Good evening, Lords and Ladies, I hope you enjoy this song." Shit... what song? I need a song. Calm down... calm down... I try to get comfortable against the railing and get **any** song to come to my mind. Inspiration why aren't you here? A song... a song... "It is one I learned before I joined the Inquisition." Er... a song... oh! This will do. I hope I don't cause a revolt. I close my eyes and begin. "She calls out to the man on the street. Ser can you help me? It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me? He walks on, doesn't look back. He pretends he can't hear her. Starts to wistle as he crosses the street. Seems embarrassed to be there. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. 'Cause it's just another day... for you and me in paradise. You and me in paradise. Think about it."

"She calls out to the man on the street. He can see she's been crying. She's got blisters on the soles of her feat. She can't walk but she's trying. Oh, think twice. 'Cause it's just another day for you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you... you and me in paradise. Think about it. Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do? Oh, Oh Lord, there must be something you can say."

"You can tell from the lines on her face. You can see that she's been there. Probably been moved on from every place... cause she didn't fit in there. Oh, think twice. 'cause it's just another day for you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. it's just another for you... you and me in paradise. It's just another day... for you and me in paradise." And with that I take a deep breath and open my eyes to see people... shocked? I guess this song is too direct for Orlais. "Thank you." And I step back, everyone continue in silence until Celene starts clapping her hands, then the nobles follow her lead. Well, guess that went well.

"The band may play again." She announces and music fills the room once more. "Unique song indeed, Inquisitor. I am sure it has reached the hearts of many people, I only wonder if they will act on it."

"We both want a better place, Your Majesty." She looks at me with a serious face then smiles.

"I hope we do, Inquisitor. But I have taken too much of your time. Enjoy the festivities while they last, we should meet for the peace talks soon." I nod and quickly make my way out. Unfortunately I'm held once again, but this time by someone I really didn't think would stop to talk to me. Vivienne.

"You haven't embarrassed yourself as much as I feared. Well done, my dear."

"Thank you, Madame Vivienne. I would love to stay and talk but I must see to something."

"Of course, darling. I just thought I would let you know I spoke to the six members of the Council of Heralds present. Unfortunately the seventh is... indisposed."

"Learned anything?"

"Oh, I have learned much."

"Let Josephine and Leliana know, see if there's something they can do. I really must go now."

"Will do, darling. Be careful." I nod and try to walk as fast I can without it turning into a skip or calling too much attention. Damn it.

 

On my way I pass by Sera and simply say "Get Solas." as I continue walking towards the Vestibule. Sera is able to walk through people much more easily than me, and I wonder if that's an elven thing or simply a Red Jenny thing. Well, at least she'll be quick. I get to Cassandra, who was surprised to hear that I was singing but I don't have time to explain anything about that or my choice of music. Thankfully it seems Solas was closer because it doesn't take long for Sera to approach with him. "Can we get to the Royal Wing through our stash room?" I ask the rogue and she nods. "Good, let's go then."

"Not taking Creepy this time?"

"Stop calling him Creepy, please? He's Cole. And I do need him..." And at that he appears. "Oh, good. Let's go, Cole."

"She's safe." He says as we walk.

"Who?"

"The servant. He wanted to hurt her but I stopped him. She's waiting in the room."

"Oh, thank you, Cole."

"I didn't do anything to the man. He likes it." Man? Oh.

"Yeah... can't argue with some things people like, can I?"

"You'd want to, but you prefer not."

"Heh, yeah. True."

"I'm gonna pretend I understand what you two are talking about." Cassandra says.

"Oh don't worry, it's nothing much."

"Is it true you were singing for the entire Ballroom?" Solas asks.

"It's true!" Sera says. "And she sang 'bout little people yeah? Stick it to the nobles!"

"I hope it helps and doesn't make things worse instead." I say, honestly worried. When it comes to Orlesians things are so muddy.

"Celene likes it." Cole says.

"If she approves, the nobles will approve if she stays in power." Cassandra says.

"Then I guess it'll be fine."

Sera guides us and soon we're in a much nicer place. And it's... deserted. Where are the Venatori? "She's there." Cole points to a room and I nod, making my way to the door. I open it to find a very worried looking servant sitting on the floor. "Hello." Cole says and she seems relieved at seeing us.

"You're back." She says as she stands up. "Inquisitor."

"I was told you were waiting for me."

"Yes. I was attacked by a man, your companion saved me and asked me to tell you what happened."

"And what happened?"

"I shouldn't have trusted Briala. Nobody was supposed to be here."

"She told you to come here?"

"Not personally, but the coded message came from her."

"Are you sure? Couldn't it have been someone else who knows the code?"

"Someone _could_ but... no... it had to be Briala. She was watching the Grand Duke all night, no wonder she wanted someone to search his sister's room."

"This is Florianne's room?" Sera asks and sits down on the end of the bed. "Hmm fluffy. Do you think she'll mind if I-" She says as she pulls out her dagger from her boot and I interrupt her.

"-Uh-huh, stop that."

"But-"

"Stop it. Sheathe that, now."

"Bleh, fine." The servant seems confused.

"Please continue."

"Er, well this used to be her room since she was a child. But this part of the Palace was damaged and the royal family moved to the guest wing."

"What were you trying to find here?"

"The message didn't say. I should have known it was a setup. I knew her before, when she was sleeping with the Empress who purged our alienage." Was Briala trying to kill her for knowing it? I doubt it, everyone knows they were involved, or at least pretty much suspect it. Well... whoever sent her here wanted her to die.

"Go to Commander Cullen, he'll keep you safe." She smiles and leaves. I take a deep breath. "Alright... now where's that mercenary leader?" I turn to leave the room and Sera starts talking how she knew Briala and Celene are fighting because they were lovers.

"At least the Venatori haven't reached this part of the Palace it seems." Cassandra says.

"It would appear so..." I say as I check the doors.

"There." Cole points to a room and I rush there. I'm glad there are no halla doors here. Cassandra gasps when she sees the man tied on the bed completely naked.

"It's not what it looks like!" The man quickly says. "Honestly, I would have preferred it were what it looks like. The Empress led me to believe she would reward me for betraying the Grand Duke. This... was not what I hoped for." I look around for anything to cover him, finding what I think is his shirt and bring it over to him with my magic to let it fall over his hips. There, much better.

"Pff. I know what y'hoped for." Sera says.

"Please, I beg you. Don't tell Gaspard! The Empress beguiled me! Into giving her information about... plans for troop movements into the Palace tonight. She knows everything. Everything! The Duke's surprise attack has been countered before it ever began. She's turned it into a trap. The moment he strikes she'll have him arrested for treason." Sera laughs then says:

"She'll be all prim, but here's you with your bits out."

"Would you testify about it?"

"I'll do anything if you protect me from Gaspard. Anything!"

"Alright. Sera, get him out of those."

"Fine." She doesn't seem to have liked her task, but does it nonetheless.

"Go to Commander Cullen, he'll tell you what to do." I tell him while Sera unlocks the last manacle. "Let's continue."

As we continue through the corridor my hand flares. A rift. Shit. "A rift? Here?" Cassandra asks, very alarmed. I summon my Barrier and walk towards the door, where I feel the energy from the rift stronger.

"Let's go." Solas summons a Barrier over everyone and Cassandra opens the door, revealing a rift in the center of a garden, surrounded by Venatori rogues.

"Inquisitor!" Florianne says from up the veranda on the second floor. "What a pleasure! I wasn't certain you'd attend! You're such a challenge to read. I had no idea if you'd taken my bait, specially after listening to you sing, of all things. They weren't wrong when they said you favor the lesser people."

"I'm afraid I don't have time for you now."

"Yes, I see that. Such a pity you did not save one final dance for me. It was kind of you to walk into my trap so willingly. I was so tired of your meddling. Corypheus insisted that the Empress die tonight, and I would hate to disappoint him."

"Why kill your cousin? What Corypheus wants?"

"Celene's death is a stepping stone on the path to a better world. Corypheus will enter the Black City and claim the godhood waiting for him. We will cast down your useless Maker and usher in an united world, guided by the hand of an attentive god."

"Corypheus only cares about himself and Tevinter. You're Orlesian and you're helping him? Are you that stupid?"

"You think so small, Inquisitor. Why settle for an Empire when Corypheus will remake the entire world? I admit. I will relish the look on Gaspard's face when he realizes I've outplayed him. He always was a sore loser."

"I think small? And you think Corypheus will share this new world with you?"

"I'll deliver the entire south of Thedas and Corypheus will save me. When he has ascended to godhood, I will rule all Thedas in his name."

"You realize that's likely the promise he does to everyone? Like to a Tevinter Magister who I got the rebel mages from?"

"Oh, my dear Inquisitor, you cannot win against me with words. I know who I serve. In their darkest dreams, no one imagines I would assassinate Celene myself. All I need is to keep you out of the Ballroom long enough to strike."

"I could stop-" Cole begins and I shake my head.

"A pity you'll miss the rest of the ball, Inquisitor. They'll be talking of it for years. Kill her, and bring me her marked hand, it'll make a fine gift for the master." She says and walks away. I don't know how, but she activates the rift, which starts summoning shades as the arrows fly our way from the archers' bows.

At least with a rift here I don't have to worry about destroying the place since the rift pretty much already does it. I cast a Veil Strike, pushing every rogue and Shade to the ground, Solas casts his Chain Lightning and is able to kill two of the rogues, Sera kills a Shade and Cole kills another one, leaving still four rogues and three Shades. As the demons come closer to me I cast a Mind Blast, Cassandra takes the opportunity to impale one in her sword as I move away. I notice there **is** a man tied up at a post, and I worry for his safety during this battle. I don't really have the time to go there free him while all these enemies are trying to kill us. I decide to try and keep them away from him.

Another Veil Strike gives our rogues and Cassandra a perfect chance for deadly hits, and Solas freezes in place the Shade who was going to claw at Sera. Before I can close the rift, a massive Rage demon comes forth. I hope a combined Chill Strike is enough to get rid of it because we don't have much time. This isn't a game and Florianne **will** act without me being there. Solas casts it and I do my double casting, Cassandra quickly bashes her shield against it, turning the demon into several pieces of ice that evaporates quickly. I try to act fast, and this time I manage to close the rift, with a slight recoil. "Cassandra, see to that man!" I say while I run ahead to the door which I guess will take us to the Ballroom. It's locked. Shit. "Sera! Can you open this?"

"Can't pick that kind of lock, Grace."

"Shit." Could it be? I try the key Morrigan gave me, and it fits! I turn it and it opens! "Thank god." The door reveals a corridor. "Sera run ahead, find the path to the Ballroom!"

"On it." She runs, and when I turn to look at Cassandra with the man they're already coming my way.

"He says Gaspard sent him here, he's the leader of the mercenaries."

As we walk through the corridor the man tells us what happened, why Gaspard hired him and I end up asking him to work with us. He says he will and also that he'll testify if we need him to. Sera appears from a door and urges us inside, we run over there and she continues running. We follow, and then she opens the door that gets us in the Ballroom. Celene is talking to the guests and before I run to her side I tell my companions "Warn the others." Solas tells me he'll come with me and I don't argue. I don't care if the nobles will call us barbarians, I run through the crowd to get as close as possible to the Empress so she'll hear me when I shout "Your Majesty!" She stops her words to look at me. I see Florianne walking up the stairs to go to Celene's side, and as she hears my voice she stops in place. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is important." I turn to look at Florianne, seeing that Cullen is already moving towards her among the crowd. "Grand Duchess, this is your last chance to end this madness. Corypheus is using you and you should know it, you have been used your entire life."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She says, a little desperatedly.

"Really? And I thought **I** had a short memory. You just tried to kill me and my friends in the garden a moment ago." She says nothing and I take a deep breath. Alright... how do I do this? In game the Inquisitor would present to the court her actions... god I really needed Inspiration here. "If you won't talk, then allow me. The Grand Duchess invited her brother to the ball so she could act behind the scenes while everyone was too worried about him. She got Tevinter agents into the Palace, who even killed a Council emissary to pin the blame on the Grand Duke."

"This is all very entertaining, but do you think anyone will believe these wild tales?" She says, still nervously, which leads me to believe I might not be so bad at this.

"That will be a matter for a judge to decide, cousin." Celene says from her place.

"Gaspard!" She turns to her brother with a sad voice. "You cannot believe this! You know I would never..." He turns his back on her and walks away as the Imperial Guards walk down the stairs. "Gaspard?" She looks around and I decide to do too, noticing we're surrounded by all sides. Solas watches over me from not so far.

"You should've listened to me, Your Grace." I say. "This might have ended sooner and in a less shameful way for you." I walk to the side to allow the guards to take her away. She starts sobbing and I just shake my head. Well, at least Corypheus lost here. "May we speak in private, Your Majesty?"

"Of course, this way, Lady Inquisitor." I follow her to a private balcony, and I notice Gaspard and Briala are following. Didn't I just ask to speak to her in _private_? Well, this will make it quicker at least.

"Your sister attempted regicide in front of the entire court, Gaspard." Briala says while we walk.

"You're the spymaster, if anyone knew this atrocity was coming, it was you." The man says.

"You don't deny your involvement." The elf points out.

"I do deny it! I knew nothing of Florianne's plans! But you... you knew it all and did nothing!" He says and Briala scoffs.

"I don't know which is better: that you think I'm all-seeing or that you're trying so hard to play innocent and... failing." She says.

"Enough." Celene finally says when we arrive. "We will not bicker while Tevinter plots against our nation! For the safety of the Empire, I will have answers."

"Then let me start with some. First of all, nothing I did would've been possible without Briala's help." Which is partly true, she did help me when I not-died and her people were very helpful. "And she did it for you."

"You were working together?" The Empress asks, surprise clear on her tone.

"Of course." Briala answers.

"Now, to the facts I was able to discover tonight: Gaspard was smuggling mercenaries and Chevaliers into the Palace, to attack at his orders. And I have the notes, Gaspard, don't try to lie."

"It was a defensive choice. I expected betrayal here, just... not by my own sister."

"Keep talking, Gaspard. Eventually you'll convince somebody." The elf mocks.

"Oh and aside from the notes, the mercenary captain will be happy to tell you all about their plans for the coup tonight."

"In light of overwhelming evidence, we have no choice but to declare you an enemy of the Empire, Gaspard. You are hereby sentenced to death." Well, if he lives he'll try to take the throne again.

"Briala deserves a reward, Your Majesty."

"I can scarcely believe you did this all for me." She sounds almost in awe.

"Celene..." Briala says with a smile.

"Thank you, Inquisitor. For all your efforts tonight." Celene says then motions for guards to approach. "I owe you my life and Orlais owes you its future." She turns to the guards "Take him away." And starts walking back to the Ballroom. Briala and I follow her. "You have done so much. For my people and... for us." Hm? I tilt my head and she motions for Briala. Oh. Already worked?

"We won't forget this." Briala says.

"Just... don't go burning any more alienages." Did I really say that? They look at me with expressions I really can't read, and I doubt the mask has much to do with it. "Er... I'm so-you know what? I'm not sorry for what I said. It's the truth. It pisses me off that you did it, and I really considered letting you die because of it. But nobody would do for Orlais what you have done, specially for the elves. I really hope you can build a better Orlais, with less prejudice and improve the situation of the elves, because that is what I stand for. And er... if you two really love each other, don't let things get in the way, specially not politics. Damn, I hate politics."

"I was wondering if my information on you was wrong, Inquisitor." Briala says, and I think shes... amused? "It seems it was not. You do speak your mind. That is a dangerous thing in Orlais."

"Good thing the Empress owes me her life, uh?" I chuckle and they look at me weird again. "God, I want my elf..." Where's Solas? "So uh... what happens now?" The women look to each other and smile. Yeah... that was fast.

"There will be some changes to the court." Briala says.

"Not just the court." Celene adds. "Come, stand with us, Inquisitor. We must give the good news to the nobility." Alright. I nod and she moves ahead to her spot, me and Briala stand at her side, but a step behind. "Lords and Ladies of the court, this is a night for celebration! Those who sought to poison our Empire with treason have been brought to justice. It is a new age for Orlais. We shall build a world in which all men and women live in harmony." Oh, that's a girl after my own heart. "Let the cornerstone of change be laid. I introduce the newest member of our court: Marquise Briala of the Dales." Who steps ahead to stand right beside the Empress.

"This is not just a victory in Halamshiral, or within the Empire, or even for elves alone. This is a triumph for everyone. Over a thousand years ago in the Valarian Fields, elves and humans together defeated the Imperium. We can do so much more now. We are greater than our ancestors ever dreamed. Together, we will start by saving our world from the enemy who took the Divine and tore the sky apart." She looks to me and I try to get something out.

"This evening proves what we can achieve when we work together."

"We are already tracking these Tevinter agents. Soon they'll have no place to hide." Briala continues.

"But that is tomorrow. Tonight, we celebrate our newfound fellowship. Let the festivities commence!" More festivities? Again? The crowd cheers, and I try to keep up a smile, but I'm exhausted. This is so stressful. Celene retreats towards her chair and me and Briala follow her. "If you are not yet so tired, Inquisitor, feel free to truly enjoy the ball now that you do not have to investigate threats." I hold my tongue not to say that the nobles are still threats and simply nod.

"I'll er... go find a dance partner that I **really** want to dance with." Briala laughs and it surprises me.

 

I'm really tired, too tired, but I want my elf even if it's just to hold him. I don't see him, but it seems Morrigan saw me. "The Orlesian nobility make drunken toasts to your victory, how do you feel about it?"

"As long as they're not trying to kill anyone it's fine by me."

"I'm afraid that won't last long. You know how Orlesians are." She says with a half smile that I don't know how to understand. "I come bearing news. By Imperial decree, I have been named liaison to the Inquisition. Celene wishes to offer you any and all aid -including mine. Congratulations."

"Well, this will be fun. I hope you don't mind if I keep throwing questions at you from your time with the Hero of Ferelden?" She raises her eyebrows.

"You know this?" I chuckle. "You are well informed." I shrug. "I suppose we will find out if your questions will bother me."

"I suppose we will. I look forward to whatever help you can bring to the Inquisition, Morrigan."

"I shall meet you in Skyhold." She greets me and leaves. God, I need to lay down. As I try to find a place to sit down I'm swarmed by the advisors. Oh no... more talking.

"Can we talk in the morning? Please? This is already over isn't it? I'm so tired." They look at me so surprised that I would have laughed if I had the energy.

"It would not be polite to leave now." Josephine says.

"When then? I can't stand this anymore. We already stopped Corypheus, my legs hurt from standing, my body hurts from battle, my mouth hurts from fake smiling, everything hurts."

"Then I suppose you will not dance?" Solas says from behind me.

"And shock the entire court?" Cullen, of all people, says.

"Celene just made an elf Marquise, I believe a dance with the Inquisitor will not be as shocking." Leliana says.

"I'm so tired... but I really want to do this." And shock everyone. "Let's dance, Solas."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> Another Day in Paradise - Phil Collins


	116. Chapter 116

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving Halamshiral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering my body sucks I suppose it shouldn't come as surprise to any of you that the reason I couldn't post lately is that my hands were hurt. Some mysterious pain aflicted both my hands' knuckles and I couldn't type or I would make it worse, so yeah... these were some terrible days. I still can't type as much as I would like, but I'm slowly building the chapters.  
> I hope you've been enjoying the story(I can only know if you liked it if you comment) and I want to thank the nice comments I've gotten and of course, the kudos. 290 kudos omg! That's a lot.  
> I began this for myself, and it still is for myself, I've become a much better person since I started it, I've discovered things that helped me improve and I imagine by the time the story is over I will have found some more, and I can only hope I will have improved even further. I wish I had those spirits to help me grow hehe It sure would make it a lot easier. Some of you told me the story has been helping you too, and I hope it continues to do so <3  
> I think with 'Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts' done we're halfway through the game storyline? The fic isn't half done yet though, but I feel a lot has happened and I feel like this is some sort of milestone. I never thought I would feel comfortable in sharing so many things about myself, and I'm happy that I have only gotten good feedback and that I've been able to help you guys too, be it by giving something nice to read or helping in a more personal way. Thank you all for reading, for commenting, for supporting me <3  
> Now, to the chapter! I hope I can get the next done soon.

Solas takes me to the dance floor and the nobles aren't shy in their disapproval or shock, but mainly shock. Maybe they don't feel comfortable in being open about their prejudice when Briala has just been given the title of Marquise. And I'm still surprised by the elf's swift acceptance of the Empress and vice-versa. Has that locket meant so much? Or were they really desperate for each other? Was it all a political play with side benefits? I suppose I will never know, I doubt any would be honest with me about it. I can't help being curious, but in the end it's their lives, and as long as nobody suffers any ill consequence of their relationship it doesn't concern me.

"You are tired, I apologize for being selfish and insisting on this dance." Solas says as we begin our steps. I notice people have cleared the floor. They don't want to share it with a 'servant' perhaps? Or maybe they're too curious and want to simply observe?

"I want it too, now there is no doubt I favour this handsome elf." I chuckle and he raises an eyebrow.

"This handsome elf surely favour his pretty Inquisitor. But something worries you." The music is a slow one, so I get closer to Solas, basking in his comforting warmth.

"Just thinking about the way things ended, it surprised me it went well. And now that everything is over, the adrenaline that kept me going seems to have drained me."

"It was a long and dangerous night. You did well."

"Aside from not-dying I guess I did, didn't I?" He pulls me closer and spins in place, drawing 'oh's from the nobles.

"You worried me, but seeing how the mark was healing you allowed me to continue with our plans. Cole insisted you needed that object." I chuckle as I roll away from him, only to be pulled back.

"I guess it was essential for their reconciliation."

"Why do you care about it?"

"I don't, really. Even though it makes me happy that it worked. I'll tell you more later." And then we simply dance, sweeping the dance floor with our light moves. I don't feel so tired in his arms, and I never thought I would actually enjoy dancing here, but I do. "You make everything better." I can feel his energy hugging me so tight then, sending me his love.

"As do you, _my heart._ "

 

When we leave the dance floor, stepping away from gossip nobles, we come across our companions and the advisors, some shocked, some amused. "Look at you, being bold again." Varric says. "This will be a perfect addition to my book."

"The Orlesians will talk about this for months." Leliana says.

"Can I go sleep now?" I ask.

"I suppose we can, before you decide to shock the nobility further." Josephine says that as if she disapproves of my actions, but she has an amused smile. I let go of Solas' hand and follow the Ambassador. She takes me back to the Empress, who still has Briala with her, and we say our farewells, with promises of keeping in touch through Josephine.

After we're back to the others I gladly announce we're leaving, and not even once I stop hearing the nobles talking about us.

The walk back to the inn seems even longer now that I'm tired, and I can't wait to fall on my bed and sleep for at least twelve hours. Solas saves me by casting the cleaning spell and I plop down on the bed, uniform and all. I don't even go to the Fade.

 

I realize when I wake up that people were nice enough to let me sleep in. I see Solas' stuff is already packed, as is mine, but I don't see him in the room neither feel him around. I notice my armor is prepared for me to wear and there's a tray with food on the table. What could be going on? I decide to begin by changing clothes, then I look outside and realize it's around noon. Things wouldn't be packed if we weren't leaving today, so I guess I better eat quickly and see what is going on.

When I'm done I go downstairs and find everyone in the room we met yesterday. "Oh good, you are awake." Josephine says and I frown.

"What happened?"

"We got reports of a large group of red templars near a village in Emprise du Lion." Leliana says.

"And they also indicate Samson's involvement." Cullen adds.

"So we're leaving today to check on this?"

"We hope you will." The Commander says and I sigh.

"God... no rest for the wicked." I murmur and nod. "Alright. Yesterday was hell, I'm still exhausted, but fine."

"Are you feeling ill?" Josephine asks.

"Tired, sore." Very sore, I guess all that pain from not-dying is lingering. "I wish I could rest for a week, honestly." I see their faces turning into sad expressions.

"There are rifts on the way..." Leliana starts.

"And the reports indicate they are harvesting great amounts of red lyrium." Cullen adds.

"Otherwise we wouldn't send you there so early." Leliana continues. "Our soldiers and scouts can't do much more until you clear the area."

"I understand. I hate it, but I understand." I look to the companions who were all quiet and observing. "Have you all packed?" They give me varied ways of confirmations and I sigh. There's no delaying this, is there? "Alright, let's move." They stand up and as I make the way back to my room with Solas I ask him if there's any chance we can brew that tea before we leave.

"I suppose they can wait a few minutes while it brews." He says while going for his pack. I notice there's no tea brewing utensils here, so I guess he's going to use his? Yes, he is; I see when he pulls it out of his bag. I light the fireplace with a spell so he can use the fire and while I observe the flames I remember how cold Emprise du Lion is supposed to be. How well can the mark protect me there?

"Why were you all there in that meeting?" While _I_ was sleeping.

"They wanted to discuss what happened in the Palace." Hmm. I guess they didn't get everything during the ball? "How are you feeling?" He asks while hugging me from behind.

"As I said; tired, sore."

"I know those, I meant how you _feel_." Feelings? I sigh.

"I'm glad that part is over, that things ended up peacefully, that we managed to save many servants, that hopefully the elves will have a chance in Orlais now. But I'm... exhausted." I sigh. "Emotionally exhausted. It was all so stressful and... well... I not-died. That was... I don't know." There's some emptiness I don't think should be there. I guess I'm a bit numb?

"Were you afraid?" He hugs me tighter.

"No, not really. I was confused and really hoping it wasn't the end because well... this is not over, and there's you..."

"You scared me." He says as he lowers his chin on my shoulder. "For a moment I felt as if I was in Redcliffe again, you were ripped out of me." He takes a deep breath and hugs me tighter. "Then a second later the Anchor flared and you were back, weak yet back, and I knew somehow that you would recover." He turns me around to face him. "Yet I cannot help feeling guilty for not being there with you when you woke up. I apologize." He looks so sad, so pained.

"Don't. There's no need to." I cup his face with my hand and give him a smile. "There were things that needed to be done, we needed that locket. You know I wouldn't die, don't worry." He frowns.

" _I_ do not. _You_ do not. We do _not_ know if you would die. You told me you might be taken away without as much as a warning when your time is over." That's true, isn't it? "The Anchor heals you, it protects you, still you were gone." God, there's so much hurt there. I hug him as tight as I can.

"Oh Solas, I'm here. And I might not be forever, but I'm here now. I'm with you, and I don't blame you or anything like that. I love you. And I always will love you."

" _I love you, Enasa._ " I pull away just enough so I can kiss his lips, and he kisses me back so tenderly. There's no way he's faking his feelings to use me. I wish we could stay like this for longer, but the tea's scent warns me it's ready so we part. I chill it a little so I can drink it. "What happened when you... were gone?"

"I met that person again," I say between sips, "they asked me weird questions and sent me back."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Should I tell him?

"They... asked me if... if I... well, I don't know if they were real offers or just some sort of test but... they asked me if I would make certain sacrifices for a better world, my or your life for it and er... if I..." I sigh, "if I believed you really love me or are using me for your goals." He seems shocked, wide eyes and slight open mouth. And then he frowns.

"And what was your answer?"

"That I would never give your life in exchange for anything and that I know your feelings are true." He is still serious, so serious it almost worries me. What could he be thinking? His hand finds my cheek and he caress it. The way his energy mingles with mine, how he was reluctant to let me feel him at first and then how it progressively got more intense through these months; there is no way he is lying about what he feels.

"I would never use you." His voice is so soft even though he is so focused. I feel his energy so warm that I forget all about my surroundings. "You know who I am, my plans; yet you trust me and you love me. You accept me. You are part of me, I do not know how I could ever live without you. No matter what others tell you, no matter what happens, never forget that my feelings for you are real." His words remind me of the moment he walks away in the game and my chest tightens, I have to take a deep breath to focus on the moment and not on something that isn't happening.

"I know." Is all I manage to say before letting the cup down to hug him tight. I can feel the tears wanting to come out, and I don't even know why they're there. I love this man so much, and god, he loves me too. We're together, why am I crying? He doesn't say anything, only rubs my back soothingly and envelops me in his energy. I let mine flow to him as well, trying to let him know that I don't doubt him, that I never did, that I believe him, that I know he loves me, and how much I love him. At some point I remember we should be getting on the way out of the inn, and I realize the others probably are annoyed we're making them wait. I hug him tighter, I really didn't want to leave now. Damn duty. "We should go..." Solas pulls back and looks at me with such care. Soon his lips are on my forehead.

"Is the pain any better?" Hmm....

"Yes, a little."

"Then we can go." After cleaning and getting the stuff back in the bag we go downstairs, where we find the others looking at us with weird faces.

"Sorry for the wait, I was drinking the tea."

"Is the pain that bad, Crystal?" Varric asks with his worried face that wasn't there before. I wonder what he was thinking prior to my apology.

"I had worse, but yeah... it was bothering me."

"I'm sorry, Inquisitor." Cullen says. "If it wasn't such an important task we would not ask this of you."

"I know, Commander. I just hope things aren't too bad there." I'm not sure I can handle another not-death. I thought it would be worse, that I would spend days in excruciating pain, but even though it didn't happen that way I don't want to tempt fate. I remember how it hurt when I first came back, such powerful pain that I passed out... no... I don't want that again. "Let's go."

And with that we make our way out of the inn, leaving Vivienne behind as usual. I wonder if I shouldn't give the woman a chance. I mean, if I'm up to give Blackwall a chance even though I hate his character in game, maybe I should give her a chance too? Solas was right about Blackwall, the thing that bothers me the most about him is something that won't even happen because I'm not that Inquisitor who will romance him and be left behind naked in a barn. And the awful thing in his past he is already trying to make up for, Cole said as much. And maybe... maybe I don't even know the full story, maybe... maybe what happened here is different? Or maybe now that I can properly ask questions I could find out his reasons since he is a person here, and the amount of things he can tell me isn't limited by programming. Would it be better if I approached him? Would it protect that man? Or should I let things happen and then go to him when he goes to Val Royeaux to save the man?

"I know that look." Varric says from beside me, preparing his horse. "What got you lost in thoughts now?"

"Ah you know... existential considerations." I chuckle and he raises an eyebrow. "Don't worry, I'm fine." I say as I pet Reast.

"I heard that you were really close to dying back in the Palace. That couldn't have been easy."

"It wasn't, it hurt a lot. I'm still hurting 'cause well, I can't be properly healed, right?" He sighs.

"And that sucks, my friend. Did that tea help?" He asks after getting up on the horse, I see everyone is up on theirs and I decide to mount as well. I ask Reast and he lowers himself for me so I can climb.

"A little." He frowns. "But any relief helps." We start moving and I start thinking about these changes in the Anchor; the Anchor itself might not have anything holy in it, but these changes pretty much do, don't they? It's the only thing that helps me, after all. I wonder if it's also the thing that 'curses' me. I still don't have any clue of how I was brought here, and up until now I never really stopped to think about it. With so many things being more urgent how could I? I agreed with the deal with that mysterious person, and even though they don't seem hostile in any sense, those questions really bugged me. Were they trying to pin me against Solas? Or try my belief? My love? But why would they do that? Don't they want me with him? If that's the case then **why**? If I had accepted would the world really have been changed so much? Do they have that power? Well, they brought me from another world into the past of this one so they must be powerful or know someone who is, maybe they're even working for god. And this **is** the past, right? Or is this like one of those worlds that move slower and the future bleeds into others? Maybe I'm not in the past, maybe what Bioware built was the projection of the consequences of what was happening in a world that moves slower. I sigh. It's pointless, isn't it? To think about this? But it matters that I was brought here, to play this role that is such an important one. I think despite everything I have been doing a good job, much better than I thought was possible considering who I am. And they were right, I improved. But I know I'm far from where I should be, there's still so much to be done. I hope Emprise du Lion isn't as hard as it was in the game... I hope Suledin Keep isn't as creepy as it was... and I hope I can handle Imshael properly...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20.07.2018 - I just created an e-mail in case you liked the story and want to chat :)


	117. Chapter 117

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to the Emprise du Lion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! It's been a while and I'm sorry. It seems the universe was working against me this past month, whenever I got better from one thing I got bad somewhere else. And since this one is a self-insert, it's very hard for me to write when I'm feeling under the weather(which actually literaly happened this past month and is one of the reasons I got sick).  
> Hopefully things will be better from now on. Thank you very much for comments and kudos <3 It makes me happy to know you like what I do <3 And I hope you like this chapter.

It seems all the pressure from yesterday decided to fall on me at once now that we're away from the inn. My time asleep wasn't as refreshing as it should have been, but I guess nothing could have gotten me better so quickly either, after all, I not-died. I should be glad whatever caused the mark to flare and heal me kept me up through the Ball, but it seems I'm suffering some backlash now. I can barely keep my eyes open on Reast, and I'm afraid I won't be able to stay on him much longer. He seems to have noticed because he is walking more carefully.

"Enasa..." Solas' voice brings me out of my thoughts and I turn to look at him, "ride with me, I suspect you will not be able to keep up for long."

"What's happening?" Cassandra slows down so she can move beside me.

"I'm tired..." Is all I manage to say. It's been a while since I felt so drained.

"Come." Solas stops Amelan and Reast is nice enough to stop too. I really wonder how much he can understand from us.

It's a bit hard to get down, I feel like those times when the only thing I managed to get after over twenty four hours awake was a one hour nap: completely out of my mind. Everything is blurred and I can barely hear my surroundings, I can only think about sleeping. At this point I could sleep standing. I guess I managed to fall asleep before I even got on Amelan because the next time I open my eyes I'm no longer carrying my staff and pack and I'm reclined on Solas' chest.

"I don't even remember getting here." I say after I get enough presence of mind to have my mouth working again.

"It sucks we have to move with you like that, Crystal." I don't know where Varric is, but Solas is too comfortable for me to move around to see.

"Duty sucks." Are my last words before I black out again.

 

I awake to find myself bursting with pain. The mark is flaring and I realize I'm no longer on Amelan, but laying down on my bedroll inside a tent. Soon Solas is by my side, sending soothing waves through my marked hand. I don't remember feeling this much pain before, and soon I'm unconscious again. When I wake up I'm surrounded by the green light, my hand inside Solas' both while my body is reclined against his chest. He is sitting behind me, his legs on both sides of me. The pain is not so strong anymore, but it's there, everywhere. "So much for being in a rush to close rifts huh?" I notice my voice is weaker than I anticipated. "How long was I out?"

"Over five hours." He is still sending energy to the Anchor.

"What is happening with the Anchor?"

"I am not sure. It is trying to help you, but your body is not accepting it. It seems to be causing further distress on your body."

"The pain of not-dying can't be avoided it seems. Only... postponed." I sigh. "Where are we?"

"In the nearest scout camp we could find. Cassandra believes we should arrive in Harding's camp tomorrow if you are recovered."

"Any rifts nearby?"

"Two." An intense jolt of pain runs through my body, causing me to jerk and scream. Solas immediately casts something on me but I don't think it works because the pain continues the same until everything is dark once more.

 

The next time I awake I'm laying down, the mark is calm and my body is sore. I feel like I was beaten or ran over by something, maybe both. I'm alone. I try sitting up but I'm too sore and I decide to just stay where I am. It's not long before my beloved enters the tent. "How are you feeling?" He asks as he squats downs beside me.

"Sore, tired. How long?"

"It is morning now. Cassandra took Bull, Sera and Dorian with her to check on the area for Red Templars." I nod.

"Good. Solas... can you make tea?" He gives me a small smile.

" _Of course, my heart._ "

" _Thank you._ " God... I feel awful. I try sitting up but it's very hard because my arms hurt to support me. I somehow feel like the very first day I awoke in Thedas. I hope closing those two rifts aren't as hard as it was for me to close those in Haven. I bring my pack over my side with magic so I can take my medication before I forget.

It doesn't take long for Solas to return with tea, and I drink it slowly. "Do you think you will be able to move out?" He asks while sitting down beside me.

"I would prefer not, but I guess I can." When I'm done with the tea I continue. "I guess I'm lucky this didn't happen during the Ball."

"Lucky or it was on purpose."

"On purpose?"

"When I was treating you in Haven your pain was always immediate. While there is a chance your training with the Anchor has affected it enough for it to block the consequences that night, I highly doubt it."

"Hm. So you think when they brought me back they also helped me so I could do the mission?" He nods. I guess that would make sense, if I failed that everything would go to hell. "And the mystery continues."

"Indeed. Whoever that person is they seem to want to help you despite their odd behavior."

"I wish I knew the purpose of those questions, though." He takes my hand.

"Whatever they are, do not doubt my feelings. What we have is real." His words warm my heart and I hug him. He holds me closer and we lay down. It's great to be close to him like this. I wish we didn't have a world to save and could only enjoy ourselves.

"Did you contact Briala yet?" He takes one hand to my hair, beginning to run his fingers through the short locks.

"Not yet."

"I wonder how this alliance between her and Celine is going to work. I really hope it helps the elves."

"I have people monitoring, if anything happens I will let you know. You should think about your next move. Corypheus would not be pleased you interfered once again in his plans."

"We need to stop the Wardens, but we haven't gotten word yet. Which is actually weird, because in game it was one of the very first things after getting to Skyhold."

"This is no game however."

"Yes, and it scares me even more because it's real. If I fail, there will be real consequences, I won't simply reload a save."

"Reload a save?"

"Go back to a point in game and try again."

"Awfully similar to time travel." I chuckle.

"Yes, but it's all programed, no magic involved." I wonder how my life would've been if I could actually go back in time to try certain things in different ways.

"Are you well enough to eat?" Am I?

"Not sure. I'm not really hungry."

"You should eat something. Come outside, fresh air will also help you." He sits up and I groan at the loss of his warmth. "Come."

"Oh I wish I had energy for that." He raises an eyebrow and then squints, I guess he picked up on what I said.

"Perhaps if you eat you will."

"Fine." I stand up with some difficulty and follow him outside. The day is quite bright, too bright for my eyes. It's also colder and I wonder how close we are to that white expanse that is the Emprise du Lion. It's actually so cold I'm even happier for Varric's gift. I peak inside the tent to retrieve my cloak and as soon as I put it on I feel much better.

The dwarf isn't nearby and I wonder where he could be, I see Blackwall sitting by the fire whittling something. When he sees me he waves a greeting and I nod in acknowledgement. I follow Solas to the fire and watch as he pours me some soup. " _Thank you_." I sit down with the bowl and he sits beside me, not eating anything. "Have you eaten?" He nods. "I wish I were stronger."

"But you are a strong woman, Inquisitor." Blackwall says and I guess I have a look of incredulity on my face because he continues. "You are. With all things trying to stop you, from your own body and from outside, you still push through. That is strength."

"Er... thank you, Blackwall."

"I knew people who would have given up with much less obstacles." Well, there are people who would. But there are also people in much more difficult situations.

"People are different." Cole's voice says from behind me and I turn to find him standing a few feet away. "And they treat different burdens in different ways."

"That's true, Cole." Solas says.

"Are you feeling better, Inquisitor?" Blackwall asks.

"Better. Thank you. What's that you're making?" I can't really identify the object.

"A sweet laugh that brightens the day. I wish she would smile more often. Kids should be allowed to be play." Cole says in that unique way of his. "A gift." I'm surprised and when I look back to Blackwall he seems... embarrassed?

"There's this kid in Skyhold," the bearded man says, "she always comes by the stables to play with the horses. I noticed she doesn't mingle with the other children, but she loves the animals. I... thought I would make her one." Wow... is this the same man who did that awful thing? I remember in game he would carve a gryphon for kids but... this is so thoughtful.

"That's very nice of you, Blackwall." He nods, still embarrassed it seems. Big, hairy and soft it would seem.

"Crystal!" Varric calls from the other side of the camp and I wave at him. "Feeling better?" He asks while approaching.

"A bit, yeah. Thanks."

"You know, that cloak looks even better than I thought it would." He chuckles and I can't help laughing too.

"Next time you'll turn me in a full fennec."

"Oh I just might. Can you imagine it, Chuckles? If she had a fluffy tail too? And paws?" Hmm... like those pajama thingies? I would actually like that.

"She thinks it's cute." Cole says my thoughts out loud, the traitor. "Sorry."

"Nah it's fine, I think it would be cute. But it would probably give Cassandra a heart attack." Varric beams at that.

"You know what? Now I will definitely try that next!"

We change the subject to Cassandra's red templar hunt and we begin guessing how long it would take her for to return. My body hurts less with the tea but it still hurts enough to be a problem. I'm really not looking forward to closing those rifts. But I must, I'm the only one who can. So when the Seeker returns with the party and tells us she didn't find any red templar around, we give her party some time to rest before we move out.

When we do get to the rifts I'm relieved to see they are weak ones, and that I don't have to do much other than close it after the group defeats the demons. The second one is a bit larger, but still weak enough. I hope the one in that village in the Emprise wouldn't be so difficult as it was in game, but it probably will. But that may be something for tomorrow, condering we still need to reach Harding's camp, and it will take a while to do so.

 


	118. Chapter 118

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arriving at Sahrnia and exploring its outskirts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for commenting and kudos! ♡  
> I hope you like the chapter.

It was night when we finally arrived at Harding's camp. I was so exhausted that I barely remember talking to her as she explained the situation in the area. The rift in the frozen river was visible from the camp, large as it was, and I feared the encounter.

  
As soon as the most immediate information was exchanged I headed into the tent and collapsed on the cot, not even eating first.

 

  
This morning I'm not much better, but there's some improvement, which is enough for me not to bother Solas with preparing the tea for me and do it myself. I know he wouldn't mind, but I don't want to keep having him do things for me, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want him to think I'm using him. We leave the mounts in camp and move out on foot after breakfast.

  
As we walk into Sahrnia on our way to the rift, I notice the place has been attacked, and I wonder if Mistress Poulin really sold the quarry to the red templars. I wonder if she knew the workers-turned-slaves would eventually be turned into red lyrium. We go to her and I let Cassandra do the talking, I'm not feeling well enough to deal with people, specially people who might be criminals. To think that I'll have to judge her later already sucks.

  
I don't see a lone knight, or chevalier, standing by the gate leading to the mountains, and I wonder if we'll meet him. The elf wasn't at the ruins when we passed, maybe Michel won't be here either? If I remember correctly he was holding the red templars back, but I don't see any red templars attacking.

  
"You're awfully quiet and thoughtful, Crystal. What's going on in that head of yours?"

  
"Just thinking how much this place feels wrong."

  
"Can't argue with that. I wonder what happened here. It's almost creepy."

  
"Yeah..."

 

  
We head out to the rift and there's no demon under it, something that will likely change when we get closer. And it does. The rift pulses and leaves behind three Terrors, a Despair and a Pride. The warriors charge ahead as Solas casts a Barrier, Cole soon appears behind one of the Terrors, slicing it efficiently, Sera and Varric target the Despair and Dorian and I add to the assault with fire. The Despair doesn't even have time to react before it explodes in a blueish cloud, leaving arrows and bolts clinking on the ice with goo.

  
As I cast ice to immobilize one of the Terrors I see the Pride surrounded by the warriors and I hope they can endure the fight without injuries.

  
Cole is teleporting and striking as he reappears, and Solas is helping kill the Terror when he isn't recasting Barrier. That still leaves one untargeted Terror, and it disappears into the ground soon enough, only to reappear under our feet, throwing me, Solas and Dorian to the ground. My Barrier holds the attack that follows, but I keep slipping as I try to get up.

  
I see the fire burning away its green flesh, it's a very ugly sight, specially this close, but I'm thankful for the help Dorian provided, and as Solas freezes the demon, my Tevinter friend helps me up. As soon as I'm standing, the Terror explodes as arrows and bolts shatter its frozen body. I'm glad it turns to smoke before it hits me or I would be crying in disgust for having goo on me.

  
Two demons down, I look at the others to find Cole fighting the other Terror, who is hit by Sera and Varric, and the warriors are still fighting a very angry, but fairly uninjured, Pride demon. Thankfully the warriors are well and Solas keeps on casting the Barrier on them while Dorian and I finish the Terror off.

  
Soon Cole is attacking the Pride, and as I turn to join forces, three Wraiths and two Shades come from the rift, making us divide our efforts again. Projectiles quickly destroy two of the Wraiths and a fire explosion from my and Dorian's combined spells kill both Shades. When I turn to attack the remaining Wraith it explodes in an icy cloud. Once again we can focus on the Pride and with everyone attacking it at once it doesn't stand a chance.

  
I close the rift with some difficulty and when I'm done I see Solas casting some healing on Bull, but the others seem fine. It went much better than I expected.

  
"We should investigate the red templars now." Cassandra says. "Do you think you can?"

  
"I think so..." I hope so.

  
And we return to the village so we can follow the road up the mountain. As we pass the gate I'm sure Michel isn't here. I wonder if he managed to get killed by Imshael.

 

  
Just like in game we have to fight some crazed wolves, and the farther away we go from the village the colder it gets. I'm sure I would be freezing if it wasn't for the mark, but I think if this continues to worsen the mark won't be enough. And I'm already wearing the cloak, there isn't much more I can wear to warm myself. I wonder if there are warming spells and if they would work on me.

  
It's not long before we spot red lyrium coming out of the rocks, and as we continue on the path we spot red templars patrolling the area ahead.

  
"Cold, shivering through the night as the red burns, this isn't what I was sent to do." Cole says then after a short pause he continues. "She betrayed them." Hm? Where did that come from?

  
"Who, Kid?" Varric asks, his face showing worry.

  
"The woman in charge." He pauses and I look around, everyone seems just as confused. "We have to help them."

  
"Who? Where?" I ask.

  
"There." He points to the direction of the red templars. "They have people in cages." Oh.

  
"Let's go." And we split to ambush the templars, who thankfully were in small numbers, only three, and no big scary unit.  
We don't get hurt, and as soon as we defeat them I hear voices. I turn around and see two cages full of people. "We have to help them." Cole says.

  
"Can you open the cages?" He nods. "Alright then, get them out."

  
It takes him and Sera little time to work the locks, and as soon as the prisoners are free they thank us profusely. There are nine of them in total, all human, hurt and underfed, but two are specially weak. I think one of these is the one who caught Cole's attention and has been fed red lyrium. "What happened to you?" I ask no one specifically. A young woman answers, her voice is rough as if she's been coughing for long.

  
"We were fleeing from bandits when we were caught by those monsters," she coughs, "they sent us to the quarry to w-" more coughing, "work there, and when we got too weak they put us here and started feeding us that red thing."

  
"We were supposed to work on the quarry, not... that..." a young man says. "She said our family would be fed if we went, so we went... but that was no work, that was torture."

  
"Some of us," another sick woman says, "managed to not eat the red, but..." she starts crying, "I'm sorry, I... this was so terrible."

  
"It's alright, ma'am," Blackwall says, "you're safe now."

  
"Who's this woman that sent you to die?" I ask.

  
"Mistress Poulin." The man answers, getting angry and surprised reactions from my companions. "Andraste have mercy, I hope my family's safe."

  
"Cassandra," I say as I turn to her, "take Sera and Dorian with you and get them to the scouts, send a message to Leliana asking her to find people to research their condition. Dagna will likely appreciate the task too. Maybe we can stop the red lyrium."

  
"Come on you all," Sera says to the group of people who looks like it's going to faint at any moment, "let's get'ya something to eat and warm those bodies near a campfire." The people seem to brighten up at the idea but they still are pretty weak. I wonder if they'll make it. Damn red templars. Damn Corypheus.

  
"And have someone watch Poulin so she doesn't try to run. Cole, let's see if we find more captives."

  
"Be careful, Inquisitor." Cassandra says then starts walking along with the people.

 

  
We continue for over an hour before Cole informs us of people nearby. And soon enough we find red templars guarding a cage. The people I've sent away would have made this fight much easier, but our group is still strong enough.

  
These prisoners also came from the village, and it dawns on Varric the reason for the empty and eerie atmosphere of Sahrnia. Solas is disgusted by it all, but says little. I send Varric and Blackwall with the people and insist we should still take a last look around before returning. We're already here, let's take a look around and save more if we can. I'll take the rest of the day to rest anyway.

  
It's not long before we find another group, and right on time too. The red templars were gathering people into a cage, and these look even worse than the others. Poor people. As we approach I see they are mostly elves, one with vallaslin, and I realize they're likely slaves.

  
The fight this time is more difficult, since it's only four of us now, and it takes longer. The people are scared and try to get away, but they are chained and I notice the despair in them. "We're here to help you!" I shout, "Calm down." If they continue to struggle they'll end up hurting themselves further.

  
When the battle is finally over I see Cole and Bull got a few scratches, but nothing I couldn't heal. I'm getting quite good at healing, even though I got no idea how to effectively heal kossith I managed to heal Bull effortlessly. The prisoners are another matter entirely though. There are all sorts of afflictions affecting them and I'm not sure we'll be able to help them even at camp.

  
This is our last rescue for the day, and as we walk back they tell us they were captured by slavers. The only human in the group was the husband of an elf who died by a really bad reaction to red lyrium. They all have been fed red lyrium overnight, and I can only hope one dosage is low enough to not damage them permanently or kill them, but since they're so hurt and weak I'm afraid it won't be that way.

 

Walking through Sahrnia, I see some people causing a mess, and from what I can understand it's a mixture of happiness for having seen their friends and relatives back and anger at what happened to them. We might need to get the woman out of here for her own safety.

  
Harding's camp is bursting at the seams with the rescued people, and scouts seem overwhelmed with tasks to accommodate everyone. I approach Cassandra taking care of her sword and ask if she updated Harding on our findings so far. Thankfully, she did.

  
As I wait for lunch, I ask Solas to help me with studying the mark, and by the time food is ready we haven't made any progress on it. It's hard to understand how it works when my body is pretty much unaffected by magic. "If I could read your body this would be much easier," Solas says and I sigh.

  
"I wonder if we'll ever understand the changes in it." I say as I lay my head on his shoulder.

  
"How is your pain?"

  
"Better than yesterday."

  
"Is still strong?"

  
"Mild. Bearable with tea." His hand starts caressing my hair, it's so comforting. "I wonder if it'll be long until I'm back in the Fade."

  
"Perhaps not, you seem healthy enough."

  
"Heh, healthy is not a word I would use, but you're right, I'm not that bad. Well, let's eat."

  
While we have lunch, Cassandra asks what we should be doing next, and tired as I am I tell her I won't be doing anything. I tell her to take the others with her and continue investigating the red templars and rescue whoever they find. "I'll stay and rest, I can close rifts tomorrow." That's what they need me for anyway.

  
And rest I do while she's out with everyone. Being alone with soldiers and scouts in camp reminds me of that time in the Hinterlands when they went to investigate Valammar, except this time we're in a much more dangerous place. I fall asleep hoping they stay well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested I'm posting my attempt at making Grace in The Sims 3. It's close enough :3  
> (when she's at a decent weight that is)  
> 


	119. Chapter 119

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Work around the Emprise du Lion, some Fade time and some talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest it took me to update, and I'm sorry. I just haven't been feeling well in my head and couldn't write.  
> I decided to give you this chapter even though it's a bit shorter than I'd like, but I didn't want to wait more to give you a chapter. I hope you like it  
> 

My nap doesn't involve my Beach, and I wake up feeling quite numb. I really don't want to stand, but at least I'm not sleepy either. Since I don't feel like reading I decide to take the opportunity that I'm alone to practice my flying.

  
I don't get to practice much, because as soon as I hear the voices of the others outside I stop, but I manage to increase the time I stay in the air by a few seconds. My increased focus really helps and I'm starting to believe I'll be able to properly fly, eventually. Hopefully before the Inquisition's time is done so I can cause some effect. I doubt people will pay me any mind after the whole Breach crisis is over, they'll be too busy worrying about qunari and elves, but I might gather support to the Inquisition if I master the spell before it's over. Or panic... let's see how Josephine can turn it on the good side if it happens. Well, I should have at least two more years ahead to master it.

  
I really wonder why mages don't train flying- Oh, of course, how didn't I see it before? The Circle wouldn't allow them! It would make mages look even more superior, not to mention it would be harder for the templars to capture them; philactery or not, a flying target is hard to hit and easier to lose.

  
I wear back my cloak, pulling up the hood because the cold at night against my ears sucks, and go outside to get news and maybe eat something.

  
"Grace!" Cassandra greets me as soon as I step out of the tent. "How are you?"

  
"A bit better. How was your exploration of the area?" I spot Solas talking to some people who I imagine were rescued by them, Bull carrying some crate and Blackwall talking to a scout.

  
"We cleared some red templars' camps, rescued a few prisoners, unfortunately not all made it," shit... "and we saw a few rifts for you to close tomorrow."

  
"Hopefully I'll be well enough in the morning to cover a large area."

  
I'm surprised the smell of food didn't hit me inside the tent, considering its intensity out here. If I'm feeling even hungrier, and I've been eating properly, I can only imagine how the rescued feel.

  
I sit down with my group and I hear them talk about their feeling of accomplishment, every single one of them are happy to have been able to help those people. I really am surrounded by great people.

  
At some point I realize that I'm leaning against Solas and he has an arm wrapped around me, keeping me close. To think that I can naturally snuggle up to him now and not even notice... we've come a long way. I give him a quick kiss on the cheek, getting an amused look from him, but I don't say anything, just lay my head on his shoulder.

  
Eventually we greet the others and go inside the tent, Cassandra and Dorian also retire to their respective ones, and the others continue talking around the fire.

 

"I noticed you were casting when we arrived," Solas says while undressing. "You should remember not to strain yourself, you are recovering."

  
"It wasn't really straining, I know my limits better now." I say as I put my cloak over the folded armor. "Besides... training magic helps me be glad to be alive." His expression shifts to something akin to worry.

  
"I wish there was a way to make your life easier..." he says while pulling me into a hug.

  
"It might not be easy, but I'm glad for it. Just this... being in your arms... it makes all the problems little, I barely feel pain when I'm with you." He kisses my forehead and looks at me so seriously.

  
"Then it is a good thing there is not a limit to myself and you can enjoy my... anesthetic effects." He smirks and I chuckle.

  
"Silly."

  
"Oh? And here I thought I was being serious."

  
"No... silly because I want to enjoy much more than your anesthetic effect."

  
"Oh I see. And what other effects do I have on you?"

  
"I'm pretty sure you know." Now I'm smirking.

  
"I admit to know a few..." his hand caresses my hip bone and his finger teases going inside the pants. "One of my favourites is the way your cheeks redden when you are stimulated."

  
"Yeah?" That explains the burning on my face.

  
"Yes. Just like now."

  
"It might just be the heat from the fire, you know?" I tease.

  
"I learned to differentiate between them," his fingers slide inside the waistband, "and your scent is telling."

  
"I can't help it. I miss you inside me..." Yeah... I'm quite bolder now.

  
"Are you well enough to address it?"

  
"Oh yes... definitely." We both chuckle and then soon enough we're kissing and getting rid of clothes.

 

After days away, it's a relief to see my beach again when I sleep. And it's quite shocking to see all my friends popping around to greet me. I don't even remember the last time I saw them and I want to hug them all. Even Lust is here and when he hugs me he dares grabbing my butt, only to bow and retreat with an apology I'm pretty sure he doesn't mean.

  
"Oh I missed you all so much!" I say with a large smile after the hugs are done.

  
"As did we," Kindness says. "We also heard about your... not-death in the Palace." I can't help fiddling the hem of my shirt.

  
"I feel you are still shaken by the experience," Love says.

  
"I..." I sigh, "it was so fast, one moment we were fighting and the next I was talking to that person. Then they asked me awful questions... and then the pain..." I hold my shirt tight, "I don't even know how I managed to complete my objectives that night."

  
"That would be thanks to Perseverance." Kindness says and I tilt my head. "I got word they helped you until it was over, they felt your need to continue and boosted your efforts, your endurance."

  
"And where is-are they?" I wonder why this spirit is refered to differently. "I want to thank them."

  
"They live in the Palace." Oh.

  
"I wish to congratulate you on your performance," Inspiration says. "I already feel much stronger from the people you helped open their minds." I wonder how far his influence can reach and how other people can affect him.

  
"I wish you had been there, it would've been much easier."

  
"You did well. You did not need my help."

  
"Still, I feel better with your support." He seems surprised and for the first time I see a warm smile on his face. It has me wondering because he knows I'm grateful for all his help. Right?

  
And then I feel Solas in the area, only to feel his arms around my waist the next second, pulling me close to his chest behind me. "It is good to see you here once again, and in amazing company." Solas says. "Greetings, my friends."

  
They greet him, and from that point on we keep talking about many different topics; the effects from our actions at Halamshiral, the state of other areas, how excited they are to learn more as we continue to explore and help, and how devastating the Emprise currently is. We need to get rid of those red templars really soon. And they make a request: that we help the Dales as soon as possible. I know that area is ugly with death and corruption, and I do want to solve the problems there soon, but we'll need to go back to Skyhold after we're done here... maybe... maybe I can send people from the Inquisition... maybe even the Chargers.

  
One funny thing I notice that is completely silly: Solas is jealous around Lust, which ends up being good because I get a lot of touchy attention from him.

 

In the morning, I stay cuddled with Solas for a time before we get ready to leave the tent for breakfast; I don't think I'll ever get tired of caressing him, making him feel loved. To be able to see his relaxed and happy face gives me such joy that I can't even begin to describe. Oh Solas... how I love him.

  
It does suck to leave so early in the morning because not only I'm still not a morning person, but I have to separate from his arms and it's so damn cold outside! I like cold, not feeling cold. The mark either doesn't help as much as before or this place is freezing. More than Haven and Skyhold combined.

 

We eat, sharing with the rescued, and I see some people, who Bull tells me are from Sahrnia, coming to check on their friends and relatives we quarantined. Cassandra tells me there's still no word from Skyhold.

  
The way to the rifts is made in silence and annoyance, nobody is happy with the cold. The fact I'm more aware to my surroundings only makes me feel the low temperature even more strongly and I participate actively in the complaints, although I still manage to have fun with the mist that leaves my mouth when I speak.

  
This much snow also reminds me of when we had to flee Haven... not a good memory. But thinking about it reminds me I never got to check on that ruin and collect the books. I have to remember that... maybe I should get a notebook when we get back.

 

 

The rifts are easy enough, the terrain isn't. There are too many rocks hidden by soft snow and I almost twist my ankles three damn times. I almost slide down a cliff once. And then there are the rabid wolves and red templars, there was even a mad bear. When I say mad is because the animal had red shining eyes, likely possessed by a rage demon.

  
Despite it all we make good progress, and even eliminate the red lyrium on the way, but the farther we go the uglier the place is. So many destroyed houses, most with red lyrium growing on them and I wonder why, how it happened, but at the same time I'm afraid to know. The people who lived here are likely dead.

 

 

By the time we reach a high spot that is great for a forward camp I'm starving. It's been a while since I've felt really hungry... I guess my body is finally getting healthy again. I wonder how long it'll last. It never lasts.

  
From up this old tower in ruins we can see most of the mountain and valley below, including red templar activity on the way to a huge structure that Cassandra confirms is Suledin Keep. I'm afraid of what we'll find there. Ishmael... damn... I got no idea how to deal with him. Well, it's best not to deal... In game we fight, but I wonder if he could even be really defeated, being a special demon and all.

  
I send Sera back to camp to get the scouts over this area while we start preparing lunch. We all sit around the fire for warmth, confident we're relatively safe here.

  
"Cassandra," I say while looking at the fire eating the wood, "you believe the Maker created the Veil to keep his first children separate from humans, right?"

  
"Yes."

  
"So what if the Maker decided it was time to get both their children living together and destroyed the Veil?" I look at her with a raised eyebrow and see she is quite shocked, I peek at the others and see they all look confused, except for Solas who looks curious.

  
"Surely He would not do such a thing." She sounds sure. "You see how demons wish nothing but destruction of this world. To free them would be to release chaos upon us. If..." she falters," if it happens it would mean we have failed His will completely."

  
"You know there are peaceful spirits, just as there are evil people. Don't you think we could coexist with spirits?" She looks at me with a pained smile.

  
"I can't give you the answer you want, my friend. I know Cole and your friends in the Fade have shown us all that we can have a good relationship, but I do not think the world would be better without the Veil." She looks at the blue sky, "I pray the Maker lets the Veil where it is. For all of our sakes."

  
"Yeah Boss, I don't want more demons around. Getting used to Cole was hard enough."

  
"Gotta agree with Tiny and the Seeker, Crystal." Blackwall solemnly nods at Varric's words. Dorian seems thoughtful, and doesn't say anything.

  
I sigh. It seems I really won't be able to count on them to help bringing down the Veil. I look at Solas and as if reading me he holds my hand, offering comfort. I lean onto his arm and rest my head on his shoulder, caressing his hand with my thumb.


	120. Chapter 120

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking Suledin Keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter, and I hope you like it.  
> Thank you for kudos, comments and all the support! ♡

Sera returns right on time for lunch, demanding extra portion for her efforts. I agree with a laugh. As we eat she tells us the scouts and soldiers should arrive within the hour. We decide to wait for them and take the chance to rest some more. Solas and I decide to work on the mark, but it doesn't produce results.

Camp set and protected, we leave to take over a barricated ruin. I'm glad I walk with a full group, because these red templars are powerful and scary.

  
The confront is ugly, as expected, and thankfully the armor held the attacks against me, but I'm going to bruise from the impact. Even my own healing doesn't work at all. At least the mark soothes the pain a little.  
Exploring the ruins we find some cages with bodies in the process of being turned into red lyrium. This is horrible to see, and I think we'll never get used to it.

 

We make the rest of the way in silence, watching as snow turns to red crystal and we are unable to do anything. Even if we stopped to burn it all I think it would take days.

  
After closing two rifts we return to the newest camp, updating the scouts on our progress.

  
The silence during dinner feels so overwhelming, the sadness is thick in the air. I feel the urge to brighten the mood even though I'm unsure how. Could Inspiration remind me of a song? I reach for him. And I can't get any nice song... the only one that keeps coming back to my mind is almost a joke. He can't be serious... he really wants me to sing this? I sigh, getting a glance from Bull. Well, anything is better than this mood.

  
I take a deep breath and begin "I used to... have a chicken... and her name was Marylou... then one day... I got hungry... and I ate my Marylou. Marylou!" I clap thrice at my thighs. "Marylou!" Another set of claps. "She had such a stupid face. Marylou!" Claps." Marylou!" Claps. "She laid eggs through her cloaca!"

  
The silence that follows is awkward for an entire different reason. I look around and everyone is looking at me as if I had grown another head. Then Sera snorts, followed by a burst of laughter which Bulls joins with his thunderous one. The others look at the two of them and soon everyone is laughing along. Mission accomplished. I can't help not joining in the fun, it's just too contagious.

  
When we calm down I notice even some scouts look teary with laughter, others who probably weren't around at the time look confused. "What in the world was that, Crystal?" Varric asks while rubbing his eye.

  
I shrug. "The only song I could summon to break the terrible mood."

  
"Heh, I'll give you that, it worked." Blackwall says with a smile. He looks nice with a smile, well, I think he is smiling. That beard is huge. He should change his name to Beardwall. Nah, that's awful.

  
"Your spirit friend taught you that?" Dorian asks and I shake my head.

  
"No. I grew up listening to that. It's kind of a joke I think."

  
"Well, it lifts the mood even though it is... strange." Cassandra says.

  
"It's great yeah?" Sera says. "Can you imagine pissy nobles' faces if we get people singing that 'round them?" She snorts. I can already imagine the scene and I almost regret singing it. Almost. Solas squeezes my hand lightly and gives me a smile, that's enough confirmation that I did right. "C'mon sing it again, I gotta learn that! What was it like? I used to have a chicken?" I snicker.

  
"And her name was Marylou-"

  
"Marylou!" I'm interrupted by Bull and Blackwall singing the name loudly along with Sera and clapping. I laugh.

  
"No no, that's later. Then one day... I got hungry... and I ate my Marylou. Now you go. Marylou!" They clap. "Marylou!" The elf looks at me to continue. "She had such a stupid face. Marylou!" They join in the next Marylou. "She laid eggs through her cloaca."

  
"That's great!" Sera says before cackling and I can totally see her teaching this to everyone. There's more to the song, but I think this much is enough.

 

 

When we go inside the tent, Solas and I just cuddle and talk about the day. I tell him about Imshael and he's not one bit happy to know that Corypheus has such an old and powerful demon working for him. Then I remind him of the Nightmare demon, who is also very old and powerful. Corypheus sure knows how to pick his allies. Soon we decide to talk about happier things, and he tells me his network has expanded, including among the Eluvians. He also tells me this expansion should allow him to contact the elves at Mythal's temple soon. I hope so.

  
He trains me in Spirit Healing during our time in the Fade and he tells me I'm learning quickly. Well, one good thing.

 

  
Morning is lazy, and the sex we didn't have before sleep we do when we wake up. I love mornings like these.  
I don't love having my face burn with cold wind though. And it seems today is going to be a very windy day. I just hope we don't suffer through a blizzard or something. Yesterday was the last day of my first set of 'hormonal potions' and I wonder if it'll have caused any change. I guess I'll find out in a few days.

 

It doesn't surprise me to see Sera and Blackwall singing Marylou, but it surprises me to see Cassandra and Varric singing along, specially Cassandra. I see Bull talking to Dorian and I wonder if they will end up together like in the game. I was kind of hoping Bull would get together with Cassandra though. I suppose Cole is still around the rescued in Harding's camp.

 

Today is the day we take Suledin Keep, and I see some soldiers that weren't there when I went to sleep. We were expecting reinforcements and I suppose these people are them. I hope we don't lose anybody. Surprisingly enough, a blond man is introduced to me as Michel de Chevin. I really wasn't expecting to see him here anymore.

  
Michel warns us about the demon in the keep, but doesn't explain much about how he knows of Imshael. I suppose it's both to protect himself and Celene. My companions become worried about encountering a powerful demon among red templars, and so am I. Those aberrations are hard enough on their own, and Imshael is not a simple demon. I suppose the mere fact he can take the form of different demon aspects proves he is much more than a demon. He is probably close to a person by now. A very cruel person.

 

  
The sight of the huge stone building covered in vines leaves me in awe. To imagine it's corrupted inside with nasty experiments make me pissed. I wonder what the keep looked like when elves had it. But I'm not sure I would want Solas to take me to the memories there either... a keep means it had to endure attacks, and my life is already too violent as it is, I don't want to watch more bloodshed.

  
And speaking of bloodshed, when we're ready to attack we approach the keep, minding the forces on the high structures that still support their defenses. I suppose they noticed our advances and prepared for an attack. Something that didn't happen in the game.

  
It's bloody, violent and incredibly noisy. Thankfully there were no giants in sight so far, I don't know if we could take on behemoths and giants at the same time, even with reinforcements. I manage to stay away from close quarter combat, but arrows and red lyrium spears occasionally find their way towards me, and I'm so thankful for my training. My skills with the Barrier have improved and even if it's not by much, the small difference is a lifesaver.

  
My stomach freezes when I see Varric being thrown over rubbles by a behemoth's lyrium wall. I notice the Barrier on him, glad that Solas is so efficient, but I run towards the dwarf nonetheless, he isn't moving and I can't lose him.

  
I get to him, aware that there are enemies nearby and I can only hope they are distracted enough while I work. I never got to study dwarven anatomy but my general knowledge will have to do. It worked before, please don't fail me now.

  
It doesn't make sense that he is unconscious if he had a Barrier, unless it didn't hold it all, and that's a bad first.

  
Scanning Varric's body I detect internal bleeding in his abdomen, and what I believe is a concussion. Damn. Not letting my own Barrier fade, I work to heal my friend, aware that spells and feet pass by closely. I'm worried and this is terrible for my focus.

  
When I'm done healing, Varric is still unconscious, but I know he'll wake up. As I stand, I look around and see Cassandra and Solas protecting us. Soon I join back in the fight, and as more magic is thrown around, I notice there are only red templars on the ground, our forces are holding well.

  
Something calls my attention though: a red templar rogue fighting against their own. Then I realize he is Dorian's puppet. In a way I feel good at seeing the enemy be used against themselves, but I also feel weird because a spirit was brought to animate that body. Or is it the soul of that templar?

  
During our time together so far, Dorian has talked a lot with Solas and Cole, exchanging many ideas and learning much about spirits. He agreed, eventually, that binding spirits to use as slaves was bad, but he still viewed his necromancy as an art. Cole didn't like his magic much, so I can only imagine it isn't so nice after all. Can't deny its usefulness though.

 

 

When the battle is over we make sure the red templars are dead, we also check on everyone's injuries. I got a numb scratch on my cheek, thanks to red lyrium. I know it's going to scar, because I always do, so I at least hope it doesn't ruin my face. It's not deep afterall.

  
Varric wakes up soon after everyone is treated and we're discussing which way to head next, since there's the high chance there are more of the enemy inside still; red templars preparing an ambush or even unaware of the attack, since there was no warning sign or sound. He comes up to us complaining about the hit he took, saying he never expected to find someone who could throw him harder than Cassandra. I know he is trying to lighten the mood, but the Seeker seems hurt by his words, and apologizes for how she had treated him once again. "Eh that's fine, Seeker. You probably wouldn't have survived those first days in Haven without me. Being abducted and shoved around ended up being good for us all."

  
"Careful there, Varric." Bull says with a smirk, "You say things like that and people will think you like it rough."

  
"Not going there, Tiny. Sorry." Varric says with an apologetic smile.

  
"For such a gossip storyteller you're quite tight lipped about yourself." Bull insists.

  
"Ain't nothing worth telling here. So I tell about others." The dwarf winks.

  
A scout returns from her exploration of the east wing, interrupting their conversation, and says there are about twenty templars in there, and some cages with altered creatures she couldn't tell if were alive.

  
The scout sent to the north wing still hasn't returned, so we decide to go his way in case he needs backup. Knowing what's on the left wing allows us to be ready from attacks from there, and if it doesn't happen, we can still ambush them.

 

Leaving a few soldiers behind to guard the area, we move to the north wing, and soon enough Sera points towards our scout, trapped behind a few crates on a tall wooden platform; if he moves he'll be spotted by the enemy. And said enemy includes a giant in a cage. Shit. Wait... If I remember correctly, the giant was hostile towards templars too... "Cole." I call and he appears beside me. "Think you can unlock that cage without being caught?"

  
He looks at the cage and I watch as his eyes take in the scene in front of us. "Yes." Then after a pause he continues, "burning, red, pain. Hurt back." Then he looks at me, and he isn't pleased. "You want to make them fight each other." I nod. "It's hurting and it wants to hurt the ones who hurt it. That's not how pain should work." He says that now, but I remember how he gets during his personal quest.

  
"That's called revenge, Kid." Varric says and Cole's eyes widen for a second.

  
"You saw me be th-" Solas places a hand in Cole's shoulder, interrupting him.

  
"Focus, Cole. We can talk about that at another moment. Can you help with the cage?"

  
"Yes. I'll open it." He sounds worried, if that's possible. And as Solas removes his hand the spirit boy disappears, only to appear near the cage. True to his word, nobody notices him, and as soon as the door is opened there is a loud roar as the giant stands up and gets out, moving fast towards the red templars. Cole reappears among us.

  
"We'll talk about it at Skyhold, okay?" I say and he nods. "Now let's wait and finish after they're done." I say to the others.  
The scout on the platform retreated as soon as the commotion started, and when he gets to us he informs how he managed to get surrounded, which he admits being due to a series of bad decisions. At least he's honest.

 

The giant manages to take down many templars, and I admit to finding the fight between it and the behemoth quite exciting. I can tell we're all silently cheering for the giant, but eventually the beast falls, leaving three templars behind, that on my signal are taken down by magical explosions and arrows. I'm not taking any chances.

 

We check the area, then upon realizing it connects to the east wing, we decide to split for an ambush. I send Blackwall, Cassandra, Sera and Dorian back to attack from the entrance along with the soldiers left behind and we take our positions in strategic places to wait for the other side. I really don't get what kind of defense these templars were doing here. Maybe they weren't actually waiting for us?

 

I hope you're satisfied if I simply tell you it's bloody and ugly. The creatures in cages? Brontos, wolves and phoenixes. Some were alive, and that was anything but a good thing, both for us and for the creatures themselves. Poor things must have been in so much pain. Corypheus doesn't deserve any mercy and neither does Imshael. Cruel bastard. He dares call this his garden in game, what is it he nurtures? Pain? Son of a bitch.

 

When we're done and moving towards the center or the keep, Michel calls for me. "Inquisitor, this is as far as I can go. I hate to admit but I am afraid I cannot stay in the same place as that demon."

  
"Don't worry, you've helped us greatly so far." And he did, that man is great in combat. "Would you join the Inquisition? We could use your help in this war."

  
"I would be honored to serve a righteous cause once again." He bows his head a bit then continues, "be careful with that demon."

  
"I will." I'll send the damn thing back to whatever hole it crawled out from. I turn to the others. "Soldiers, scouts, wait out here and defend against any remaining threat. My friends, let's go take this demon down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> Marylou - Ultraje a Rigor


	121. Chapter 121

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with Imshael and liberating the quarry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it!

As we enter the center courtyard I see a handsome and well-dressed man standing and looking our way. He seems the embodiment of confidence. I notice some large red templar units on the higher ground, standing guard. "You could have sent a warning letter, Inquisitor. There was no need to destroy my garden."

"We're not here to talk." I nod at my companions and soon there are arrows and spells flying towards the red templars while the warriors move to attack the demon, who simply teleports a few meters away.

"Now now, Inquisitor, are you sure I can't offer you anything? Riches, power, virgins?" I don't answer and just summon a pillar on him. He takes the damage, his clothes burn almost completely, but he gets rid of the flames with a spell as he groans. "So rude." And as the warriors close in on him, Imshael changes his shape, startling us all. I knew he could do it, but to see it is unnerving. He doesn't go through a smooth and beautiful transition, no; and I'm sure he makes it as ghastly as possible on purpose.

Thankfully my people are good and they don't stay shocked for long. By the time the transformation is over, the warriors are on Imshael, slashing at his Fear form. He takes a few hits before blinking away, taking his chance to summon some Fearlings, and I can't help flinching at the sight of those pale and disfigured creatures crawling unnaturally quickly towards me.

"Focus, Enasa." Solas' voice grounds me and I take a deep breath. I tune out the shape of the minions, targeting them without really looking at them.

Dorian's fire spells are so effective that soon I don't have those things to worry about, and I can focus on Imshael again. I notice, then, that Cole is taking every opening to cut into the demon.

It takes us long to defeat Imshael; between his teleports, minion summonings and shape changes two more times -to Rage when he got pissed and Pride when he refused to accept his defeat- I assume it was over half an hour of combat. Exhaustive combat. Barriers kept us safe for the most part, but some of us still got some light injuries. Thankfully I wasn't hurt.

But the place isn't safe yet, we need to make sure the Keep is rid of templars and other threats. We check the courtyard, not finding anything, and return to our forces outside the gate. They cheer at the news, and I notice Michel sighing in relief. We discuss our strategy to check the rest of the keep and get moving. I'm exhausted, but I want to do this much.

  
Turns out there were no more threats, just a bunch of red lyrium growing on the rest of the building. It's gonna take forever to get rid of it.

A scout is sent back to camp to inform them of what happened and we start cleaning a spot for a temporary camp. When reinforcements arrive to hold the place they can work to clean it all. I don't envy them.

We rest, eat and talk about the events, glad that we didn't lose anyone. It surprised me, I feared this as you know, and I'm happy to have worried in excess. Things have been so hard that any good thing means a lot. But there's still work to do before we can go back home.

"We should head to the quarry tomorrow," Cassandra says. "We will be more effective if we're rested."

"I can agree to that," I say, unable to hold back a yawn at the end.

Taking over the keep took the entire morning and part of the afternoon, but more than the hours spent, the activities drained us all. Compared to this, the keep in Crestwood was a walk in the park, and I can only assume taking the one in the Western Approach will be quite similar, or worse considering they are Venatori. I don't even want to imagine what the battle at the Grey Wardens' fortress is going to be like.

  
As soon as I eat something I blackout on my bedroll, only realizing I fell asleep when I see my beach. I greet the wisps, basking in the comfort they provide after a difficult day. While I wait for Solas I take a look at the Kama Sutra, since I couldn't yet read it properly and it'll be a good distraction from the events of the day. Some positions seem hard to do, others seem really interesting and I want to try them soon. It would be nice if I could take the book out of the Fade.

Solas joins me some time later and finds me quite aroused. "Considering your state I am surprised your friend has not come." He says as he wraps his arms around my waist from behind.

"Even if he had I would tell him off, you know. And he knows too, he just teases." Solas nuzzles my neck close to my ear, sending shivers through my spine.

"Until the day you say yes."

"That won't happen." I say, closing the book and placing it back on the shelf. Then I turn around in his arms, facing him and lacing my arms around his neck. "You're the only one I'll ever want. I was looking at these instructions and thinking about you and I." He takes a deep breath and I continue, whispering in his ear, "I'm really tempted to wake up and do something very delicious with you. If only we weren't in a small tent we could try one of those positions." I feel his teeth on my ear then, and after a growl he looks me in the eyes.

"Wake up." I do, and before I can even settle on top of Solas he wakes up and pulls me close. "I believe we do have enough room for this."

And that we do. To think that I not only got used to eating and sleeping on what were battlefields and now I'm also going to have sex... god... Thedas changed me. I don't linger my thoughts on it, after all I have a very loving and sexy elf stripping to make sweet love to me and I have better things to do before pleasure makes me unable to think at all. Like removing my own clothes.

  
When we're back in the Fade, satisfied and happy, we go through more healing training. I get some tips for healing dwarves too, because of what happened earlier with Varric.

Now that we have our minds properly thinking, we notice the wisps that were going through changes are much stronger. And Solas also points out that two others have started changing as well. It still amazes me to see how I'm affecting wisps that love my presence. And I love theirs. My adorable little friends, they're also part of my new family. The more they change the more curious I become to see what they'll change into, what aspect will define them. I'm afraid of what it'll say about me.

  
We don't linger in bed this time, and breakfast is also brief. Dorian complains about a nightmare with altered animals and once again Varric emphasizes how glad he is for not being able to dream. Solas offers the other mage advice in getting rid of nightmares that manage to slip past his defenses, and it's so nice to see the two of them getting along. If only Dorian would accept our plans... Out of everyone I think he is the one who could come to accept it, but I don't know what to do to convince him.

Our tasks today are to remove the remaining red templars from the area, close rifts and take back the quarry. Hopefully they'll have news about Samson there, because reports from the people who checked the keep overnight gave us nothing. Imshael didn't keep records.

  
I wish I could take the time to enjoy the view. I wish there wasn't so much red lyrium around. I wish it was a few degrees warmer. I wish I could walk around these rocks without tripping. I wish there was no pain. But I wasn't granted any. And to make matters worse, to reach the quarry we have to go through many wooden barricades, platforms and ramparts; all slippery with snow. I tread by practically praying to whoever would listen that I don't fall, slip or trip on anything. Most of the time I'm good, others I end up being helped by Solas so I don't fall.

We don't encounter many red templars and I wonder if it's because we killed a lot of them in the keep. By the time we reach the quarry, we have closed two rifts and killed one large group of templars.

It's... awful to see. The quarry is red with the crystals and the people working are thin and injured. I'm afraid of getting closer and seeing the real damage on them. Poor people. "They hurt." Cole says.

"I know. We'll help them." I say then turn to the others to discuss our approach.

Looking down from our vantage point we can see that it would be easy to get surrounded and ambushed if we don't follow a thorough strategy, so we take our time to think and analyze.

Bull's presence is essential here. The man is very experienced and knows a lot about this. Solas doesn't add much but he prods Bull with the right questions so in the end we get a good plan and nobody suspects a lone apostate being good at battle strategies.

When we go down to fight it's as awful as it should be. Cole focuses on discreetly liberating the people as I've asked, while we split in groups to cover choke points so we're never blind to red templars' actions. Things get a bit harder when their archers start shooting from above, but that's nothing magic and arrows can't solve. I'm better with my Barrier and Solas focuses on keeping everyone under his, so we aren't injured. That doesn't mean we're not utterly exhausted by the end of it.

We gather everyone around for questioning. Two of the former prisoners know where the red templars have been keeping their correspondence and they take me and Cassandra there while the others split between keeping an eye on the rescued and investigating the area.

Turns out they did have letters from Samson, but no clear direction to where he wants the red lyrium shipped or where his headquarter is. In game it was an old Tevinter temple, but I don't remember the name. We at least get information on their associates in the Emerald Graves -who should take the lyrium from them and move it- and proof Mistress Poulin sold the quarry to the red templars. I should kill her for what she did, but making her rebuild the village was like the best option in game. But this isn't a game and I wonder if the people will even want her back. She may own the village, but a title won't stop a mob. Hopefully I'll have time to think.


	122. Chapter 122

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> I've been suffering from a terrible headache these past few days, but I bring you another chapter. I hope you like it! <3

We find an artifact on the way back to camp, and as always I activate it. I can't stop thinking about what we should do about Poulin, maybe I should forget this for now and focus on something else. I can always use the advice of the advisors for this kind of thing, right?

Sitting by the fire, I watch the Anchor glimmering and I remember Knowledge telling me it should be able to affect my healing. Well, so far we proved it can, but how to properly use it? How to strengthen that purpose? Could it even heal me completely? What about its functions towards the Veil? Could I still open rifts with it? I might need it after all, in the Grey Warden's fortress. I sigh. Nightmare demon... do I really need to leave someone behind to escape? Sometimes I think events happen too quickly, others I think it happens too slowly. It may not look like it, but I've been in Thedas for less than five months. There has been so much killing, so much pain, so much travelling around, negotiating, learning. That damn ball drained me, it fucking not-killed me! I take a deep breath. How many times will I not-die before this is over? I think we were lucky here in the Emprise du Lion, things could have gone so badly. We could have lost many people. I'm glad it didn't happen that way. We got many injured, but we got potions and healers. At least _they_ can be treated with those.

My view of the fire is covered by a hand holding a bowl with soup full of meat and vegetables. I completely forgot I was waiting for dinner. Dinner... thinking about this reminds me of the rescued people back at Harding's. Will they even make it? Can they be healed or are they fated to die a horrible death? I wonder if Dagna already began researching it. "Thanks." I say as I accept the food when the hand moves in front of me to call my attention.

"What's bugging you, Crystal?"

"Too many things, Varric. Too many things."

"Want to share? Maybe we can help." Cassandra offers.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin... I think I need to sleep first... it might help get my thoughts back in some order."

"You can do that _after_ you eat." She says.

"Yeah, don't worry." I need to be strong.

When Solas returns from setting wards around our camp, I'm almost done with my bowl. I end up snuggling closer to him when he sits down to eat, needing his comfort. Thedas is such a cruel place. To think that I agreed coming here because of this man... of course it's worth it, who am I even kidding? I just... I just hope I have a long time with him. I hope we can help people. I hope we can make a better Thedas.

"Come, Enasa. Let us retire, you need to rest." I didn't even realize he had finished his food when his hand began caressing my hair, making me lose myself in thoughts even further. When he spoke, he brought me back.

"Yes." I can't help a yawn. "Let's go."

"Good night, you too." Bull says.

"Sorry, good night, everyone." I say before entering the tent, followed by Solas.

"What is troubling you?" He asks.

"Too many things..." I sigh. "Maybe I can explain in the morning, or another day."

We remove our armors and he casts his spell so we're clean. I'm thankful for the heating rune in the tent, and as soon as we're laying down I cuddle with him. "I... do not like to see you so fragile, so worried."

"We did much, and there's still much to do. What's to come is ugly and I don't know how to deal with it." I sigh and nuzzle his shoulder. His smell always soothes me, it's like the best scent in the world, in all the worlds. "I'll tell you later."

" _As you wish_." He says before giving me a quick kiss on my lips.

" _I love you, my beautiful heart_." I say with closed eyes before my mind goes to the Fade.

 

Another night is spent with Solas teaching me Spirit Healing, and he tells me that my link with the spirits and the stronger connection to the Fade should be enough for me to perform this sort of intense healing, but should I need to heal something too grave, only the help of a spirit would accomplish it. Well, I hope I have my friends nearby if I ever need to heal something that serious.

 

In the morning I'm feeling better, but still haunted by the decisions I'll have to make and the war ahead. I wonder if I would be like this if I had no idea of what awaited us. We end up agreeing to wait until after lunch to leave, so we could rest some more. Thankfully, in this time, we get news from Skyhold: Dagna is researching red lyrium and its effects, but it doesn't look like we'll have useful results any time soon. Cullen sent a note advising me _not_ to give weird ideas to Dagna because they had to send a few of his recruits to help fix the damage from the experiment I left her working on. Oh well... I guess I won't have a beater any time soon... which means no meringues. At least there were no bad news concerning Corypheus.

 

When we leave camp, we head straight towards Sahrnia, so we can check on the situation and confront Poulin before heading home.

The village is still quite the sad sight, and I hear many people still confused about their leader's actions, not believing she would be capable of doing it. I let Cassandra deal with her, she has the same disgust and anger I feel and she's been used to dealing with criminals far longer than I have. The soldiers who were standing guard will take Poulin to Skyhold for judgment and I'll have to take over then for appearances' sake.

At Harding's camp there are still the weakest of the rescued, who wouldn't make it to Skyhold. They can't join their families in the village because we don't know how the red lyrium would affect them, so they're still quarantined in camp, and their relatives can come visit under watch for everyone's safety. It's quite sad, but at least they get some comfort, I guess? Cole lets me know it is actually a good thing, that despite it all they're happy to be among their dear ones.

 

The way until we stop for the night is clear, so we move as fast as we can on the icy terrain. We should be out of the ice tomorrow if I remember it well. No, I don't remember anything at all... I was unconscious most of the way to Harding's. Well... I'll have to take whatever happens anyway, I just hope it's not filled with threats and we can get home quick. And most of all, I hope I can stay there at Skyhold for longer this time.

I'm glad to see the companions almost don't fight anymore, and whenever they disagree they are respectful towards one another. Sera still likes to bug, she thinks it's funny, but she doesn't do it to simply annoy anymore. Simply reclining on Solas' side and observing their talk, I also notice he is more comfortable with the others, and I notice in his energy that it also makes him hurt. It's a similar kind of hurt to the one I feel. I guess it's the knowledge that these people won't support us, that the world we want to create is not the one they want to have, that if they ever know they'll try to stop us. But I also know that for Solas the hurt includes admitting he was wrong, that what he thought of the people in this world wasn't true. That they are people after all, not just shadows of what they could be. Maybe he regrets killing Felassan. I embrace his arm and kiss his shoulder, when he looks at me with a curious face I simply smile and shake my head, laying my head on his shoulder again.

 

This time in the Fade, while we study Spirit Healing, Kindness stays in the library leaving a book on a story she came by a few days ago. I wonder when I'll have time to read it, and the others. I'm still halfway through learning this. Solas does tell me I should take the time while awake to learn more offensive magic, and I can't really disagree. "I should be able to teach you a paralysis spell, since you still are uncomfortable with pain inducing ones." I can't be avoiding painful spells forever I guess... but as long as I can, I'll do it.

Turns out the spell is pretty much like what I remember from a spell in Origins I can't remember the name. I wonder if I would ever be able to cast its mass version? Mass Paralysis? Was it that? Maybe the single one is just Paralysis then. Well, Solas calls it Paralysis, that's what I'll be calling it then. The problem is that it's not so simple to learn. Maybe I'll need a few days? I hope it doesn't take long.

I notice Cassandra definitely getting closer to Bull, and Dorian also warming up to him. Is that a triangle I see? God, I never thought it would be even possible.

 

Instead of studying what is in the book, this time Solas takes me to a memory of a healer using the techniques I've learned yesterday. It's quite curious to watch it, but also unnerving to see the amount of pain the patient was in. The healer, though, is able to cast a spell to numb the pain and I watch in awe as the patient relaxes and the mage is able to work peacefully on the horrible wound. I don't know how it's possible, I don't yet understand how memories are crafted and showed, I have no idea whose memory this is, but I can see the injury clearly and the patient has one of his organs almost completely ruined. I don't know what sort of weapon could do that, it doesn't look like it was a sword or an arrow. Maybe it was a demon's attack? I try not to let my thoughts wander too much, I need to pay attention to what is being done.

 

We continue on the way after breakfast, and unfortunately, because I hate this shit as you already know, the period starts. I have to stop to sort my situation and then we get back on the road. It's nice, though, not to feel cramps for the first time since getting here. I almost forgot I would be going through this bloody moment. When we camp for lunch I continue with the training of Paralysis, and thankfully I manage to learn it this time.

It's even better that I learned it because it's very useful when we come across red templars moving lyrium along with some mercenaries. I don't like to think of it, but I can't help imagining that it would have been a lot worse without the Paralysis since even with its help we got Cassandra and Bull hurt. "Hey Crystal, don't be so down, it's practice time for you."

"I'll make sure she can always practice on you, Varric." Cassandra says with an annoyed voice that I notice afterwards it was just a tease.

 

There's then, after a lot of cuddling and nuzzling with Solas, more Spirit Healing lessons. Kindness brings another book and I'm getting very curious about her stories. Maybe I can read them when we're back at Skyhold.

 

The day passes by completely uneventful, there's even long periods of people not saying a word. Cole disappears for most of the time and I wonder where he goes when we travel like this. Cassandra says it should be two more days until we reach Skyhold, and I'm getting anxious about it. Thankfully I have lessons to occupy my mind whenever we stop and whenever I sleep. Tomorrow I'll have to take the potion again and I wonder how long until period stops, it would be so great if it was immediately, but it never is. I'm getting better at cleaning with magic at least, I think I'll be able to cast it on myself, just like Solas does, soon. I hope so.

 

Two days it is; by the time the sun is going down behind the mountains I also see Skyhold in the distance. I'm tired of riding even though Reast's company is enjoyable and riding him isn't as tiring as riding a horse. I miss laying on a fluffy bed, soaking in warm and scented water and not having to worry about waking up early and be mindful of threats at every step. I can't wait to arrive.

 


	123. Chapter 123*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in Skyhold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen speech
> 
> Hello! I hope you like the chapter :3  
> I just realized a few days ago that there are bookmarks and subscriptions information for the fic, and I'm so surprised! Thank you all very much for your support and I hope you continue to like the story.  
> And I'm feeling much better since I discovered the reason for my headache(I was clenching my jaws while sleeping) and I'm trying to force myself into a routine that hopefully will allow me to produce more, so I hope to be able to bring chapters often again.  
> Anyway, to the chapter, which is what you're here for! <3  
> Oh and, there's smut ahead (I thought I wouldn't write any more smut here, but Solas insisted...) If you don't want to read, skip after she wakes up but you're going to lose some nice fluffy stuff.

"Welcome back, Inquisitor." Josephine says as she approaches us at the gate, accompanied by Cullen and Leliana. I see there are many people watching us as well and I wonder how much the Inquisition has grown since the last time we've been here.

"Thank you." I say after I get down from Reast, petting his head before letting him go. "Is everything alright around here?"

"Yes." Leliana says. "But we have much to discuss."

"We should do that in the morning." The Ambassador says with a gentle smile. "I notice you are quite tired, even if you do look much healthier than the last time I saw you."

"That I am. Tired, that is. Can't say much about being healthy. I'm still feeling a bit weak. Well, I guess that's my normal so I can't really complain." I snigger.

"Was everything in order on your way back?" Cullen asks as we start walking towards the Keep. I'm surprised nobody is following me, not even Solas.

"Yeah, pretty much clear of threats. It's a nice change considering how things used to be."

"I wonder how Corypheus can move his people around without people noticing." Cullen murmurs.

"He might be using the Deep Roads." The words escape my mouth before I can hold them back. I've been trying to avoid this line of thought, because it would cause panic, specially if it was confirmed. I mean, I don't know if the others would panic, but I would. On one hand it would mean there are countless enemies marching under our feet, on another hand it means they would eventually send me there to fight them. I fucking **hate** the Deep Roads.

"That..." Cullen looks at me with a startled face, "it makes sense, he is a darkspawn after all, and it would be terrible... He could emerge anywhere."

"Yeah..." I say with a defeated tone... damn. Don't get me wrong, I want to defeat that monster, and if we could disrupt his movements it would be awesome, but uhh... Deep Roads? I like the surface, thank you very much. "Just saying... if he _is_ moving troops down there, I'm not going along to fight. No, no, no."

"But you are the Inquisitor." Cullen is surprised by my behavior I guess.

"And partially terrified at closed up places with no fresh air. I'm not going underground. That time in Crestwood was already bad enough. You can ask the others if you need a reminder."

"No, I remember. But you must understand that it could be necessary."

"We'll worry about it if it comes to that." Josephine says, once again with a gentle smile. She's being nicer than usual. Weird? "Ellana probably already has your bath and dinner set, you should retire."

"Oh, yeah... well, thank you. I'll do that. Good night." They greet me back and I make my way up to my room.

 

True to her word, everything is ready for me and I don't waste time in getting rid of my armor. Thankfully period is pretty much over and I think I can enjoy the bath without worries.

As I immerse myself in the warm water I relish in the feeling of it against my sore muscles. I missed this comfort so damn much. The bad thing is that being relaxed makes my thoughts rush one after the other. I don't deal well under pressure, but when things calm down everything floods my mind at once. And there is just so many things wanting attention. I try to filter them, organize them, so I don't go nuts in this bathtub. It's not easy.

What will happen next? It should be the Grey Wardens' issue. Tomorrow I'll probably find out what the Inquisition knows so far and what we can do about it. What about the Nightmare demon? How can I even fight that many Grey Wardens, demons and controlled mages? Hell, the dragon will be there. Will I even be able to open that rift? I'm pretty sure I would be considered an Apprentice at most in a Circle, I'm not fit to fight a dragon. Should I... should I try to open a rift? Make sure I'm capable? Damn... how didn't I ever think about this before? Maybe... no, there wasn't actually anything good to get from doing it before. Everything I had to do required being on this side, not on that side. But now... I need to be sure I can do it... because well... I _could_ avoid going to that bridge and falling... I _could_ try to come up with a plan to capture that damn man before he flees. But then... what about my memories? Was there anything really important in the Fade beside that? Do I _need_ those memories back? Shit... what proved the Grey Wardens' involvement in the Divine's death were those memories... I'll have to go there or then I'll have to tell everyone the truth about me. Shit. Shit. Shit... I take a deep breath.

So... I'll be going to the Fade. Who will I take with me? I don't think I could take everyone. I mean, even if I succeed at having everyone on that bridge and get them all through the rift... would it even make the event _easier_? Maybe it would make it more complicated? Dealing with everyone's fear at once? They're so varied. But maybe if I get everyone we could kill the demon? Can it even _be_ killed? The way it was said in game made it sound like it was the first fear in the world and just grew fat throughout the ages. Hell, if it's that ancient it ate through the millennia of cruelty from the Evanuris and all the hell that came before and after it. There's no way we could kill it. How could a single person even distract it in the first place? I realize I'm afraid of it. But how can I _not_ be? That demon is so powerful, and I'm not. Maybe it would take someone on Solas' level at full power to really destroy it. Can we walk around it? Find another rift? _Open_ another rift? I sigh and submerge my head. I don't know what to do.

Going with the game's script is dangerous, and I don't really want to sacrifice anybody. Not going with the game's script could be even more dangerous. I guess I need advice. I emerge for breath. I guess it's time to properly discuss this with Solas. I don't think I should involve any spirit in this task. Faith's sacrifice is already bad enough, I don't want to risk losing any other good spirit. But... what if having more spirits helps her and she doesn't need to die? I suppose that's another thing to ask Solas. Who should I take with me? I should have Solas close, no doubt there. Cassandra would be good too, she would see first hand what happened to the Divine. Cole doesn't like being back there as he is now, so I don't think I should take him. Sera pretty much panics in there, but it would be nice to give her some culture shock. Bull is uncomfortable too, and I don't think I need to get him through that to make him better. Dorian would be a good addition. I don't remember how Varric reacts, but probably not well either. Blackwall... he would see what the Grey Wardens did with his own eyes and his perfect image of the order would be broken even further. I wonder though, were those Grey Wardens helping Corypheus sacrifice the Divine by their own will or were they being controlled too? I mean, they could have been stupid to fall to his false promises through that mage, or been greedy, but if they were being controlled then it's not really _their_ fault. The blood calls after all. Well, I guess this question can be asked another time.

I decide to leave the tub and eat. I'm all wrinkly and I suppose I've been in there for over thirty minutes. Still no sign of Solas. What could be so important for him to vanish? Anyway... food. I don't even bother getting dressed, it's warm enough in here and it seems my bed habits with Solas have developed in me a nudist behavior.

 

When I finish eating I decide to go straight to bed. My body is relaxed, my belly is full and my mind is getting hazy. The soft blankets embrace me as I cuddle the covers. Before I realize it, I'm in the Fade and being hugged by a cheerful Curiosity. "You're back!"

"Oh hey there! It's good to see you again!" I say as I bend a bit to hug him back. "Where have you been?"

"Exploring! Inspiration insisted I shouldn't follow you so I stayed here looking around."

"Here? Skyhold?"

"Yeah! Did you know there are many secret rooms? You supposed there were but you don't know. I can show you!"

"Sure. Lead the way." And with that, the beach is gone and replaced by the Main Hall of Skyhold.

He takes me through the stairs and hallways that lead to that old library in the lower level, and in there he shows me a switch in the wall. Not even waiting for me to say anything, he pushes it and a barrier lifts, revealing a door instead of stones. It opens, revealing a corridor that has a door and a set of steps leading down. In this memory of the Fade there's no need for light, the place is lit by several colourful motes that make it look ethereal and beautiful. Curiosity takes me to the door first, and it opens to a... bedroom? There's a small bed, but nothing else. "A bedroom?"

"It was easier to sleep here than to go back to his room sometimes."

"His? Solas'?" The spirit nods.

"But look." And he goes to the opposite wall to touch three spots on the stones, then it ignites in a shiny circle full of symbols. The room changes and suddenly we're no longer in a small room with no windows, we're floating among the clouds.

"Wow... that's awesome!" He giggles.

"It mimics the day or night outside. But I don't know if it would still work. This memory is from before the Veil."

"Oh. It would be nice if it worked."

"Yes. Ask him to show you. Come." And he walks back to the corridor, heading down the stairs, and I try to follow closely. This kid, because well, he pretty much is one in my eyes, walks too fast.

The stairs lead to a large room with a pool supplied by a pipe coming out of the wall. I notice the pool has runes to warm it. It must be perfect to swim in it. Wait... swim. I could learn to swim in that! Why didn't Solas tell me about this place? I need to see it!

"I see you like it." Curiosity says with a large smile.

"Oh I love it! Thank you very much for showing me!"

"There's more. But not through here, come." He starts going back up the stars, but I sense something and don't follow him this time. He turns to look at me.

"Someone's close, I should wake up." Solas is finally here.

"Oh, alright. I'll show you another time." I wave at him and wake up to feel Solas climbing on the bed behind me, I'm laying on my side.

I don't open my eyes, I don't move, I simply wait. Soon he is laying close to me, and his hand wraps around my waist, pulling me close. His mouth finds my neck and he kisses the skin before nuzzling my shoulder. I didn't think he would do this, he never woke me up before. His hot breath on my skin as he kisses my shoulder makes me breathe loudly and he nips lightly. "Where were you?" I ask, still not moving, eyes still closed.

"Acquiring news." His voice is soft and low.

"Good ones?" I hope they're good ones.

"Some." His hand goes under the covers, finding me bare and he groans. "Did you miss me?"

"I always miss you." His hand rubs my breast and I let out a soft moan.

"Is that so?" He squeezes the nipple and the next moan comes out louder.

"You know it is so."

"Did you miss this?" He licks my neck, sending a shiver through my skin and causing goosebumps everywhere.

"Yes."

"What about this?" He nibbles my ear, sucking the earlobe afterwards. I can't help another moan and tightening my thighs together.

"I did." His hand travels down to my belly and pulls me even closer, and I can feel him hard against my butt. "Hmm it seems you missed me too."

"I always miss you." I chuckle at him copying my words.

"Is that so?" I copy his.

"Definitely." He sucks my neck as he rubs his hips against me. I find myself grabbing his arm tight.

"I'm sorry we didn't do much during our way back." His hand rubs its way further down my body and I caress it along.

"There is no need to apologize." He sucks me again and at this point I'm breathing hard. When he reaches my clit I moan loudly as I push my nails against his skin, and he rubs his hips slowly and hard against me, hissing in my ear. "I missed your sounds." He rubs my nub and I moan again. "The way it makes my blood rush in my veins." His breathy voice is so exciting, it makes my body burn much hotter.

"What's-Ah... gotten into you?"

"I will show you." He nips my neck several times on his way back down to my shoulder, where he licks again. His hand never stopping its movements in between my thighs and beginning to make my mind hazy with pleasure. "After we are done." He kisses my shoulder then, and removes his hand from my sex, making me whimper at the loss.

"Why did you st-" He interrupts my words, as I turn to look at him, with his lips on mine. I feel the covers being moved away from my body, and as his touches mine directly, I notice he is also naked. He doesn't let me move my body to face him, however, his hand on my butt slides down to my thigh, which he moves upwards, causing me to bend my knees a bit. Soon I feel his hot and hard length rubbing against my wet folds as his leg gets in between mine, and it makes it harder to keep on kissing, but we try.

He slides his hand up to my breast and I'm forced to take control of keeping my leg up; it's not an easy feat. Our mouths separate and he sucks and kisses his way down to my neck, and when he bites me I also feel him entering me, and it's combined with a squeeze of my nipple. I can't help being loud, it's too good. I'm not able to keep my leg up for long, so I bend it down to rest my foot on his thigh. Our sounds fill the room, and he doesn't stop his mouth on my neck, or his hand on my breast. I don't have much room to move my hips along with his, but it all feels so good. I don't know how many times we have made love, but I definitely don't think there'll come a time when I won't want it anymore.

The buildup is slow and delicious; I want more, but I also want to enjoy this as much as possible. I wonder if this is one of the positions in that book, since we never did it before. He caresses my breast, I caress his arm, whenever he is not biting or sucking me we kiss. And just like any other time we made love, we have our energies mingling in a way that only this action is capable of achieving. I feel him like he is a part of my very being, not simply moving inside of me.

Then he lightly pushes me to lay on my belly, and I do so as I fold my arms under my chin. The change of position causes him to slide out and I already miss him, but it doesn't take long for him to return, filling me so perfectly. He kisses my back while he moves in and out of me, and I'm so close again. I wish I could see his face as he fills me, but his sounds so close to my ear is also something I enjoy greatly. By now I learned to recognize when he's close, and he is. I feel like I'm going to burst under him with how much pleasure he is giving me.

Soon his hands slide under me, I try to help by getting on my forearms and thankfully the bed is soft enough to allow me to do so without pain. He flushes his body against mine and I'm so damn close but never reaching it, it's starting to drive me crazy as I cry out louder and louder. His hot breath and moans on my neck and ear make me want to turn around and wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him deep inside me, but this feels so good I can't stop it. And then I'm taken by the waves of pleasure that blur my mind and eyes, I feel his shaft throbbing as I clench around him and he holds me so tight as I squirm involuntarily.

When his body starts to relax he pulls me along with him as he lays on his back, so I'm laying on top of him. "Oh my god..." I say, breathlessly. "This was... a great way... to... wake up." I take my hand to caress his face. " _I love you._ "

" _As I do you._ " He cups my cheek and his expression is so loving I feel myself melting all over again in love for him. " _If you wish_ I could make a habit out of this." He smirks.

"Oh I'd love that."

"I have something for you." Oh?

"Is it the reason for this?" He chuckles.

"Yes." He motions with his hand and I watch as a small pouch floats towards us on the bed from the general area of the table. He grabs it and offers it to me. "Open it." A gift? I look at him with surprise, but I sit up to take it from his beautiful hands.

It surprises me to see this, I thought he would never give it back. It's the Fen'Harel necklace I bought in the alienage, but... there's something in it. Magic? It wasn't enchanted before... "Did you enchant it?" He smiles proudly and sits up to take my hands.

"Not by myself, as I cannot perform this sort of magic." Oh?

"What's it?"

"Do you trust me?" Really?

"Was that a serious question?" I copy him from the game while looking at him with an incredulous face and he laughs.

"I had to ask." He caresses my hands and he seems insecure despite his loving look. Is he expectant? What enchantment could this be?

"Well, my silly and stubborn love, I trust you like I trust no other. _You're everything to me. My life is yours._ " That reassures him, and he is so bright as he looks at me. Then he holds my hand tight and kisses me; I return it lovingly. It's a slow kiss filled with our feelings, like a promise of never letting go of each other. It's happened many times, but it's never any less meaningful. It's like whenever we do it, it only reinforces what we already feel, as if it strengthens this bond we have. We part slowly, and there is no doubt that this is the man I want for my entire life.

"May I?" He holds the necklace in both his hands and I nod. Looking in my eyes, he places the necklace around my neck. As he locks the silver chain on my nape, the wolf head lays right above my heart. And... what's this? I look at him, startled. He has a small smile and... wait... is this? I place my hand on his chest, under his jawbone amulet and close my eyes. Oh my...

"Solas... I..." I feel such emotion that tears quickly fill my eyes. "I don't have words..."

" _No words are needed, my heart_." I throw myself in his arms, hugging him tight and breathing his neck. I feel his heartbeat along with mine, not only because we're close, but because it's beating right along with mine. I separate just enough to look at him but I end up kissing him again. And as we kiss, just as lovingly as before, quickly it becomes more passionate, and I move to straddle him.

He is half hard, but as I rub myself over him it doesn't take long for his length to harden fully. Our kiss never stops, we suck our lips and tongue and our hands hold us tightly close. Soon he helps me up just enough for him to slide inside and we gasp into the kiss. I can feel his heartbeat increasing in speed along with mine, it beats so strongly, it feeds my drive to be closer to him. I can't believe he would do this, god I didn't even know it was possible! But he connected me to him, I can feel him _in_ my heart more than ever. This is undeniable proof of his trust in me. Oh my heart... " _I love you_." I say quickly before resuming our kiss.

As the pleasure increases it becomes too hard to keep kissing, but we still try. We're completely entwined in a mess of limbs, and I don't care that it's hot and we're sweaty, I just want to feel him with me, in me, now in even another level. His breath, his loving sounds, his touches, his heartbeat; this moment couldn't be more perfect. He moves his hand to my butt to help me move as I begin to get tired and damn, I'm so close too. And I can feel _in_ me that he is too. I bend my head back, exposing my neck to him and he sucks it passionately, then his bite makes me clench around him and cry out. The next few movements cause the orgasm to hit powerfully and I hug him tight once more, crying out into his neck as he pulses and fills me. This experience is all so new; the way I can feel his heartbeat change with the sensations along with my own is completely... enchanting, captivating, ecstatic.

" _I can feel your heart_..." I say as I caress both sides of his face, breathless, looking him straight in the eyes.

"You will never be alone," he is a bit breathless too, "and you will always be able to know where I am." He says with a smile as he rubs my back. I can't resist it, I kiss him again.

"Can you clean us up?" I ask after we separate. "I... don't think I can get out of the bed." I chuckle and he shakes his head with a smile.

I squeal in surprise as he grabs me up and turns me on the bed on my back, then we both laugh at the situation. "Lazy." He says with a smirk as he puts both his hands on my belly and casts the spell that makes my whole body tingle. Thankfully it's not enough to make me horny. I don't think I would mind if it got me aroused again, but then we'd have to clean up again too, which could make the cicle start over. When he is done on me I see the spell working on his body, and I sigh at the sight. He is so handsome, so perfect, I never tire of admiring him. And for the first time I notice that it's the middle of the night. The light of the moon shining against his skin only makes him more beautiful. "See something you like?" He asks as he lays down beside me.

"Always." I say as I caress his face. " _You, my heart._ "

"Come here." I snuggle closer to him and I feel the covers sliding over our bodies. He plants a kiss on my forehead and whispers " _I love you, my heart_. _Sleep_."

 

We end up not having much time in the Fade thanks to our activities, but we spend the time we have going through my lessons. I really hope these lessons aren't getting in his way, but I think he would tell me if they were. After all, his duties to his people are the most important thing in his life.

The good thing about having just returned to Skyhold is that people don't bother me early in the morning, but I know the meeting in the afternoon will be quite tiring. Thankfully I got Solas for the entire morning just for me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped it, Solas gave her the Fen'Harel necklace back, and it's enchanted to let her feel his heartbeat and location. <3


	124. Chapter 124

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to Solas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Italics" - Elvhen Speech
> 
> I hope you like the chapter! <3

Waking up in Solas' arms is just the best thing in the world. More so when we had such a great night together. And now? Now that I have his heartbeat with me it's even more perfect. I nuzzle his neck and wrap my arms tighter around him. He trusts me. This is proof that even if he is forced to leave my side I would always find him. There are no words capable of describing how I feel about that. There's simply no doubt left.

He wakes up holding me tighter, and I don't even try to hold back the smile. " _Good morning, my heart_."

" _Good morning, Enasa_." He kisses my forehead then tilts my chin to kiss me on the lips. It's chaste, but lovely. "What will you be doing today?"

"I plan on resting in the morning. And eh..." I sigh. "I actually need to talk to you."

"What about?" He begins caressing my shoulder.

"What is ahead in the Grey Wardens' issue. I need your advice."

"What is troubling you?"

"You know they are following Corypheus. That they're hearing a false calling. That... there's a... Nightmare demon on the other side of the Veil waiting to get out."

"Yes."

"So... I'll have to go to the Fade when we finally attack their fortress."

"What?" He moves to sit up and I sit up too, facing him.

"In the game..." I look at the Anchor in my palm, "the Inquisitor is forced to open a rift to survive, and they go to the Fade."

"You could open a rift?"

"I don't know if _I_ can."

"Tell me what happens in your game."

"Right. It should take a while yet for us to get there, we still have to meet Hawke, then meet with Hawke's friend, disrupt a ritual and then prepare to attack the Grey Warden's fortress. If I'm lucky the preparations I tried to get underway will have helped us somehow in the Western Approach, but if not... then a lot of lives will be lost." I take a deep breath and focus on the fortress, the real problem. "But during the attack... in the game, they fight Wardens under Corypheus' control, demons summoned and bound during a ritual and his dragon."

"Will Corypheus be there?"

"No. His agent, a Tevinter mage I forgot the name, he'll be able to call on Corypheus' dragon for help. And at some point the Inquisitor ends up on a bridge, cornered by the dragon, the bridge collapses and to survive the Inquisitor has to open a rift and they fall through it."

"That means being physically in the Fade."

"Yes. I imagine you must like the idea, but I don't know if I actually _can_ do it." He looks like there are several things going through his mind right now. "Do you think there's a way to make sure I can do it?"

"Yes, I- I believe I could help you project the necessary energy. We could- we could go there now." What?

"Solas, I don't think that's a good idea..."

"Yes, you're right. Doing anything in the Fade while Corypheus has control of the Orb could be too dangerous." That's not really what I meant but sure, that too.

"This has been eating at me. I don't know what to do."

"Do you want events to take place just as they do in the game?"

"I'm... not sure. Following the script would be safer in the way that I would know what would happen, right? But... I don't like what happens."

"What is it that happens?"

I sigh. "The Nightmare demon is old. The game leads us to believe it's ancient. And it's body is quite... well... massive. It'll block the exit from the Fade, so in order to escape someone must be left behind to distract it."

"If it is as ancient and powerful as you say, a sole person could not be capable of keeping it distracted."

"Yeah... I also think so. But well, it's what happens there... and one of the people that can be told to stay behind is Hawke. I haven't met her, but Varric... Varric and Fenris... they would lose a loved one. And they are people who matter to me."

"Fenris? You have not met him either."

"I know... but... well... he is one of my favourites in the game..." He also has Gideon Emery's voice... I wonder if his voice is as amazing here.

"You are afraid of facing this demon, of leaving people behind."

"Yes... and since this isn't a game... I'm afraid leaving one person also won't be enough... I'm afraid of what horrors it'll show me. I'm afraid that we wouldn't be able to leave."

"Why even go there? You could avoid it, you know how it happens."

"There are memories, things that happened when I got here, that are missing. I could live without them because I know what happened from the game. But, the others don't know. The proof that the Grey Wardens were involved in the Divine's death is found there, with the Inquisitor's memories. The Grey Wardens in the fortress may not even know it was people from their order who assisted Corypheus in the Temple. So if it isn't shown in those memories, the only way I could tell the truth is by revealing my origins. I don't want to do it."

"I understand. Do not fear, _my heart_ , I would never let anything bad happen to you in there."

"I know... but what about what I can do? I'm weak, Solas. I don't know many spells, they're not very strong either..."

"You may not know many different spells, but you are strong." Am I? "Ever since your focus improved your control of the Fade's energy did as well. You can keep a spell for longer than most mages could." Hmm. "If only you wished to do it, your harmful spells would also deal much more damage. And you have the power of the Anchor."

"I don't know how to properly use it though. I can't use it to heal myself and it's the only thing that actually works to heal me."

"You say there are many things yet to happen before we need to attack this fortress. We have time for you to learn."

"I... yes, you're right." I take a deep breath. "I was thinking of having you, of course, Cassandra, Dorian and Blackwall with me when we need to go to the Fade. I uh... think it's better not to have everyone there."

"Why?"

"I think too many people, especially people who fear demons like Sera and Bull, would give the demon more power over us."

"If they are not able to overcome their fears, yes."

"Do you think they are good options?"

"Yes. I also would suggest the First Enchanter."

"Vivienne?" Really?

"She was raised in a Circle, she has high... tolerance... against demons." Prejudice more likely.

"I... never took her with me anywhere... I actually have no idea how she would fare there." Taking her didn't even cross my mind.

"It is a suggestion, you can always ignore it." He gives me a gentle smile.

"You're right though. I think she would be a good choice... Iron Lady..."

"I am surprised Cole was not on your list."

"He... from what I saw in the game, he doesn't feel comfortable in there." Solas tilts his head slightly. "He... feels... shackled? And we'll be going into the Nightmare's realm, full of pain and terror, Cole is Compassion... everything in there hurts him." Solas hums.

"Yes, when you say it like this... it is best if he does not go. We would make the place better, but until then we would put him through unnecessary pain."

"I know you love the Fade, that you think he would be happy being back home but... maybe another time, in another area." I try to give him a reassuring smile. I know Cole will eventually return to the Fade if he becomes more spirit.

Solas surprises me by suddenly holding my cheek and kissing my lips. He surprises even more with the expression he shows me afterwards. He is _happy_. I tilt my head in confusion.

"Your ability to open rifts and enter the Fade at will... it... it changes everything." Oh...

"What do you plan on doing with it? And remember, I don't know if I can, Solas."

"I will help you. You'll do it. Of course we would wait until Corypheus is defeated."

"Solas..." He hums in question, a silly smile on his face. "What are you planning?" He looks like a whole world of possibilities opened in front of him and he wants to grab them all.

"Going to the Fade, of course. There are so many things that could be done."

"What... what about the Eluvians? You acquired some new ones, you could go there through them."

"Some are locked. The area of the Crossroads accessed through Halamshiral's Eluvian is still being carefully investigated. Your alliance with Briala is still fresh, she is still an unknown. No Eluvian under my control can currently reach the Fade."

'In the game... Morrigan's son would go to the Fade through her Eluvian."

"I lack the power to redirect it, _heart_."

"Oh... sorry... I... you're so much powerful than me, so..." I thought he could still do it.

"The power necessary is much greater." To think old Flemeth would be _that_ powerful... or maybe... maybe it wasn't her that did it... maybe it was Kieran? How powerful is an old god's soul? I guess I'll never find out because the ritual wasn't performed here...

"So... uh... how do you intend on making sure I can open that rift?"

"We will focus your training on your control of the Anchor."

"Sounds... almost impossible considering my progress so far."

"The Anchor is a not a simple tool, _heart_."

"Heh, yeah... it sure isn't-" There's a knock on the door by the stairs and I look at the open doors to the balcony, taking in the morning sky. "It's probably Ellana with breakfast." And we're naked.

"Good. You need to eat." I was going to get up to get my clothes but Solas brings the robe over with magic.

"Being in Skyhold will be good for that too." Rest, food, warm bath. There's another knock and Solas tells whoever is there to enter after his head is through his tunic, then he sits up to pull on the pants. I quickly cover myself with the robe. I wish all my clothes could be this soft.

"Good morning, Inquisitor, ser Solas." Ellana says as soon as she reaches the landing. I notice the tray in her hands has a lot of food. It's good I won't be eating alone.

"Good morning, Ellana." I greet as I get up. "Thank you for the breakfast. How have you been?" She seems surprised at my asking.

"Well, thank you."

"And the other elves? Has there been any incident?" She staggers. Shit.

"It was handled."

"What happened?" I ask as Solas comes closer to join us in setting up the table.

"Drunks."

"Urgh..." I sigh. "I wish I could prohibit alcohol... but that would create chaos..." Oh... "But I _can_ limit the amount they drink... no more than 3 mugs and whoever is caught drunk will run an exercise drill... what do you think, Solas?" I turn to look at him and he has an amused smile. "What?"

"It is nothing, Inquisitor, it would be interesting to watch half the Inquisition running drills outside every morning."

"That bad uh? Damn... how can Cullen even have that many drunk people under his command? This should've been implemented sooner... I'll talk to him about this... we're at war for god's sake..." And we don't need an army of Oghrens... especially because these guys wouldn't be efficient fighting drunk as that dwarf was.

"If you don't need anything else, Inquisitor...?" Ellana asks, a bit sheepishly.

"Oh, sorry. I shouldn't be rambling but it's just you gave me an idea so... well, nevermind." I look at the table, full of food and enough water. Good. "No... I don't need anything. Just... tell me if anything else happens, alright?"

She nods. "Have a good day, I will return later to collect the dishes."

"So..." I say after we're alone again. "It seems the penalty-reward system isn't doing anything? Another thing to talk to the advisors... I wonder if Josephine even finished the system..." I sit down and sigh as I take an apple. "So much work..."

"Delegate, _heart_. You trust your advisors, let them do their work."

"I'm trying..."

"What else is worrying you?"

"I don't want to leave people behind to die, Solas..." I say as I take a spoonful of the sweet pie which I think is cherry. "It was already hard enough while playing... and here their lives are **real**. It's already hard killing enemies... how could I knowingly leave an _ally_ behind? Can't I like... use the Anchor to take us from the Nightmare's realm to my beach for example? So we escape and nobody dies?" He seems thoughtful and I give him time as we continue to eat.

"In theory, yes. That would raise other problems, however."

"What do you mean?"

"Your beach, as much as I think it has become a real place in the Fade, is somewhere unknown. The Fade's logic is different than the Waking, working mostly from emotion and intent, but it still needs to connect somewhere. It is still a mystery to me how you are able to summon it to your dream wherever you go instead of dreaming of wherever you are, your desires or simply a memory. I believe it would require power neither you or me possess in order to travel from the Nightmare's realm to yours and then back to the Wardens' fortress." Shit...

"So... there's no way around it?"

"We might need to kill the demon to save everyone."

"How? You're still recovering your power, I'm not powerful enough, Hawke is a powerful mage but I doubt she would be _that_ powerful... even with Dorian and Vivienne with us... I don't know... beating the Nightmare in its own domain? Can it even be done? Even in the game the Inquisitor only reaches the rift because a spirit of Faith sacrifices herself... and I don't want to see her sacrifice either..." Urgh... "Why can't the world be all good?"

"I wish it could, _heart_." He holds my hand gently and says, "We still have time, we might find a way." I take a deep breath.

"You're right. Maybe things will be better this time, maybe the Inquisition could do something in the Western Approach that'll help."

"Yes, be positive. I should be the grim one, remember?" I laugh at that.

"Grim and fatalistic. And you definitely took me to bed; such a great side benefit." He tilts his head, confusion clear on his face. I laugh again. "Nothing, it's something from the game."

"Taking you to bed is indeed a delectable side benefit. If we did not have work to do I would gladly take you back there."

"Oh don't say such things... you know I'm weak." His only answer is a smirk. "Maybe... we could do it quickly?" Now he's the one laughing, but instead of refusing as I expected him to, he stands up and pulls me up.

"You said you had the morning, did you not?" He whispers in my ear. "I suppose we don't need to be so quick about it." Then he sucks my neck, making me shiver.

Soon we're back in the bed, naked and panting. This will be a great morning. I can only hope the rest of the day will not be too bad. I hate those meetings. At least Solas doesn't let my thoughts linger on that, or on anything at all.

 


	125. Chapter 125

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting with advisors and with some other people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Happy Holidays!  
> I'm sorry for the wait, a lot of bad stuff happened, things became a mess... I won't go into details. What matters is that I managed to get a chapter down :D  
> I hope you like it!

When I finally go downstairs for the meeting, I'm surprised to find Morrigan inside the War Room. I had completely forgotten about her. Which is fairly stupid on my part considering I remembered her Eluvian. And her kid that doesn't exist here.

"Good afternoon, Inquisitor," Josephine says while going through some of her papers, "I trust you had a restful time?"

"Yes. Thank you." I say with a smile before turning to look at Morrigan. "How was your travel here, Morrigan?"

"T'was better than I expected, Inquisitor. Your Inquisition seems to be doing a good job."

"Oh, it's good to know. There's still much to do, but any progress is progress." I have to keep that in mind.

"I am analyzing Corypheus' movements and I'm sure I'll be able to tell you where to head soon." That you will.

"Is that so? How?" Leliana asks.

"Of course I have my means, as you have yours, Spymaster." I feel some tension in there.

"You two worked together before, right? With the Hero of Ferelden?"

"We did." Morrigan is quite... brisk?

"And she abandoned us at the eve of battle." Leliana is angry and I think it's the first time I see her like this.

"Your foolish friend chose death, I was not about to watch it. Which is good I didn't because my _friend_ died because of _him_!"

"You could still have helped! Many died in that battle. Instead you ran away, hid like a coward-"

"Ladies, let's calm down, shall we?" Cullen intervenes, calm but firm.

"You should be happy I wasn't there or I would have made sure he was dead for what he did." Morrigan takes a deep breath. "But you are right, Commander. This is no conversation to be had at this time." I'm confused though... it wasn't said in the book that she had abandoned them.

"We do have much to discuss." Josephine adds.

"And I shall leave you to it. There is something I must tell you, Inquisitor, you should come talk to me after your meeting is over." The Eluvian, right?

"Sure." She nods and leaves the room. I'm left watching the advisors, it's so weird what just happened. I never expected it. It seems the real world can surprise me much more than it has done so far. "I... thought she would stay?" Otherwise why would she be here?

"She was here discussing some of her findings and settling the last details about her stay with us," The Ambassador explains.

"Oh? When did she arrive?"

"Around a week ago, but we are still rebuilding and much is happening at once."

"Right. So... what do we have to talk about?" I run my fingers through my hair with a sigh. "I really should get a notebook so I don't forget what I have to discuss or do..."

"Hopefully whatever you forgot is addressed in one of these topics." Josephine pats her papers, bringing my attention to it once again. It's... a lot. This meeting will be long.

"If it isn't I doubt I'll be able to think about anything after anyway... that looks like a lot of information." She gives me an apologetic smile. "It's fine... let's do this. What's first?"

We discuss red templars' movement, which has become scattered since our last interventions, but still active; Grey Wardens seem to be roaming around Crestwood and the Storm Coast again but our scouts couldn't find who they're searching for; Florianne has been brought for judgement, as has Mistress Poulin and I'll be passing judgement in two days. There's also reports on Venatori's movement, which seems to be leading to some ruins; freemen's attacks in the Dales and Emerald Graves, which are for now being handled by Inquisition forces -or in the Emerald Graves' case: the Inquisition forces are assisting Fairbanks' group- but some rifts are making their work difficult and I might need to go there soon. We also discuss some expansion plans for Skyhold, and I tell them to give the mages good quarters -I don't want it to be like the Circles. I'm happy to know the garden has been improved, as has been the library; and that Dagna's work with Gatsi on the pipelines are also progressing well, but her work on the electric beater is still... sensitive at best. They forbade her to work on it while there were people in the Undercroft since one of the tranquil assistants got injured by an accidental explosion. "Why did you even give her that task, Inquisitor?" Leliana asked me and I just said it would be a good thing to have, that could also progress our technology. "Too dangerous." is what Cullen said. "Anything can be dangerous." is what I told him.

I'm not as happy to learn they didn't forget about Josephine's idea of having me sing for the Inquisition at the tavern whenever I was at Skyhold. And she wants me to do it the night after judgement. I have no idea what to sing.

The system to improve behavior hasn't really been implemented yet because Josephine wanted my approval on her ideas, and I must say they are good ideas. Leliana and Cullen also give some insight and together we decide on a healthy system that would encourage people to be better. Cullen at first doesn't take me seriously when I mention the drinking problem the Inquisition people have; apparently drinking so much is _normal_ and doesn't affect their work. Well, I wonder what he'll think of the changes when people work sober. I hope we don't have any alcoholics though, if we do, our healers might need an upgrade and I have no idea how to treat that so I can't guide them.

Leliana tells me her little project with Sera to monitor the little people around both Skyhold and outside is going well. She tells us of some nobles who have even been plotting against us, others who have tried selling their elven servants to Venatori -which thanks to our intervention didn't happen- and some who wanted to help us but were afraid of public repercussions, so now they help us in secret -at least until we establish a solid reputation with our goals and it wouldn't damage theirs. I wonder how long that would take, if even possible. Orlais -or rather the Empress- has given us her support for better treatment of elves and little people, but as far as Orlais is concerned it can't be trusted. Things could change as soon as it stops being convenient for her, even with Briala having better standing. I'll never forget the burning of Halamshiral, and nobody should either.

The people researching the Ocullarum book have made some progress; Dorian's friend has been quite helpful and they think they might have something solid to explain to us soon. I wonder what they'd do if they found out Dorian's friend is a blood mage. Oh, I suppose that would fall to me to decide. They also have made some progress on Solas' research of the elven Veil artifacts and the measuring of the Veil's integrity has pointed out some spots where it's weaker. I should check it with Solas later.

Also, now that we have tranquils stationed around Skyhold doing what they do best, including in Adan's shop, the man has been able to go back to his passion of making explosives and the advisors want my approval to use them in combat, seeing as I seem to hate causing pain and all that. What can I say? I'm not stupid and as much as I hate it, it's necessary. Bombs would give us an edge whenever magic is not available, and if powerful enough they wouldn't cause pain anyway, the person would be dead quickly. In a perfect world there wouldn't be the need for such things, but this isn't a perfect world, and we're at war. The sooner the war ends the less dead or injured people we'll have. There're also the harmless ones, meant for control of the battlefield, and these I wholeheartedly endorse. It's funny, you see, that when I play I go for the most painful and flashy stuff, but here? I can't... these are people. Evil people who want to hurt others, sure, and they will be stopped by any means necessary, but it doesn't mean I enjoy it and I sure would prefer to find another way.

Another good thing is that we have a much larger and varied supply now. I won't need to worry about going without the potion, or without nutritious food, or that we'd have bad equipment. We can't still outfit everyone with the best, but they sure don't have the shitty stuff anymore. And nobody is going hungry or suffering in the infirmary. Yes, we do have some people calling themselves surgeons, and I give the advisors strict order to make the surgeons work _with_ the healer mages; they can accomplish more together than each on their own screaming who's better than whom. They can cover each other's weaknesses, draw out the most of the fixing of a person with their skills combined. Neither can rebuild a limb, but they may not need to amputate if they work together. Rebuild a limb... fuck. I can't lose my arm. I hope Solas doesn't let it come to it. In any case, they advise me to drop by Harritt and see to what he should make for my group.

"One last thing, Inquisitor," Leliana says, "Varric has been locked in his room since you arrived, and if the person he has in there is who I believe it is, Cassandra will kill him." Oh?

"Who?"

"I'm not quite sure, and that is the greatest telling. Few people can hide from me or my agents."

"And why haven't you sent someone?"

"He is your trusted companion, no?" She tilts her head. "I believed it best to leave it for you to handle personally."

"Right. Yeah, I guess that's better, specially with how Cassandra will react when she finds out."

"So it is her." Ah? Oh shit, I said it as if I knew already.

"I guess?" I should probably get out of here before I let something else slip and I'm not sure I can lie to her face. "I'll go check it out now." They greet me and I make my way to Varric's room.

 

I haven't really crossed these corridors, I only know them because of that time I had to choose where people's quarters would be, so it takes me a bit to get there. The place is big so I was afraid to get lost, it wouldn't look good for the Inquisitor to get lost in her own place. I sure need to tour this place. And to find that underground pool.

I stop at the door, ready to knock. "I'm not staying in this room forever, Varric." But that voice freezes me on the spot. That voice shouldn't be here. That voice shouldn't _exist_ here. Gideon... no, Fenris. I can't believe it. Before I can do anything the door opens and I'm startled by the wind formed by the movement. "I heard someone."

"Crystal?" I see Varric sitting on a chair, looking at me with a confused face, beside him on the other chair is a beautiful woman. But right in front of me is someone who I didn't think I'd meet. My heart skips a beat and I think I'm going to faint. "Crystal?!" Varric stands quickly, but the one who holds me is the elf, who looks at me as if I have offended him and even he didn't understand why.

"You're okay there?" Hawke's voice is soft, just like in the game, and it's a bit muffled by my heartbeat. My heartbeat that doesn't beat alone anymore. What the hell am I doing?

I can't speak. I can't move.

"Broody, I think you broke her." Varric comes to help me be moved inside the room.

"I didn't do anything." The white-haired man says as he helps me sit down at the edge of the bed. It's soft, the bed. What am I thinking? Damn.

I can hear them saying something, but I tune them out. I spread my legs a bit so I can lower my head to between my knees and breathe. This shouldn't be like this, I don't even know him. It's just shock. It's nothing more. He's more handsome than I expected though... and the lyrium tattoos make him look even better. Shit. Stop this line of thinking. You don't love him. He was your favourite in the game, in another life, _before_ Solas. That voice though... is awesome. But that's all it is. I feel Solas' heartbeat and it's calm. I try to focus on it and calm my own. Solas... he's the one I love, now and forever. No matter what happens, he's the one. My lovely and stubborn ancient elf, who can make me happy with his presence alone. My breathing slows, my heartbeat calms and it's almost in tandem with Solas'. I remember this morning, when once again they beat together. Yes, that's a connection that can't be broken. That's an entire different level of special. Superior. Nothing can beat that. This, this is confusion. Surprise. Shock.

When I look up again I find Hawke holding her staff, Fenris with his massive sword -that I have no idea how he can use- and Varric in between them, back facing them and with both of his hands up signaling for his friends to halt. What?

"Crystal?" He is wary, and it reminds me too painfully of how he talked to me when I woke up from Despair.

"What's happening?" He relaxes at my words and lowers his hands, his friends lower their weapons.

"You were... channeling something..." Hawke tells me with a curious face. Eh?

"I didn't do anything, I was trying to calm down." They don't seem to believe me though.

"Your calming down has become quite different, Crystal." He sits down back on the chair and I notice he seems tired. What did I do?

"I don't understand. I just... could it..." Could it be that I concentrated so hard that I reached for the Fade without realizing?

"You don't have control of your own powers." Fenris is harsh, damn I had forgotten that.

"Easy, Broody. She's the Inquisitor."

"I know. And someone untrained shouldn't lead." I know.

"Can't help that. They chose me. I'm doing my best to improve."

"And you have, Crystal. You've come a long way. You just... have to fix some quirks..." I snicker at that, followed by a laugh.

"Quirks... if it was only that." I straighten my back and I notice the alarmed faces when many places clack and pop. "Yeah... don't mind that... I'm a... rusty person."

"I guess that's one of the quirks?" Hawke asks with a tentative smile.

"Yeah... one of them." I take a deep breath. "Sorry about that... display. I... don't really know what happened. I guess I just... got surprised."

"Fenris is known to scare people, don't worry." She says definitely with a smile now.

"Hey!"

"It's true, Broody. Maybe if you relaxed a bit more... you know." I shake my head with a smile. What a day.

"So... the reason I'm here is that I was told you locked yourself here with a suspicious person, Varric. I didn't think I'd find two." He shrugs. "Now that I see who they are, I know you're avoiding Cassandra."

"I couldn't tell her where Hawke was, Crystal. You understand that, right?" He seems a bit desperate.

"Of course I do, Varric. You were protecting your friends." He relaxes. What was worrying him?

"So many people died in that... she could've been one. And for what?" He sighs.

"Don't worry. But I hope you finished that chapter?"

"Chapter?"

"Swords and Shields."

"You're still writing that?" Fenris asks with a bit of distaste.

"I'll let you know, Broody, that many people like that kind of thing. I'm merely giving people what they want." He says with a smirk.

"Oh I'd like the next chapter when you're done, Varric." I raise an eyebrow at that. It shouldn't surprise me that Hawke would like it though.

"Alright, wait," Varric says, "you told me some time ago that I should be working on the chapter, now you ask me if I finished it, and I take it is _because_ of the Seeker." I nod, but I feel this isn't going where it should be. "Just... why?"

"Bargain? She likes it."

"You're joking. No, wait. You don't joke. But you can't be serious either. The _Seeker_ is a fan?"

"She is."

"And you knew I'd need it. How?" He's wary now. Damn it... it definitely went where it shouldn't have.

"Er... what do people call it... it was ah... intuition?"

"Not buying it, Crystal."

"Are you a seer?" Hawke asks.

"Uhm... no?"

"It would explain it though." Varric says, looking at Hawke. "She... talks to spirits in a weird way..."

"Is she possessed too?" Fenris asks, and I notice he's tense.

"No. She's not like Blondie was." He turns to me then. "You're hiding something, but I got your back, Crystal. You've been good to us. If anything, you've suffered too much already, you're right to be wary."

"We know how protecting dangerous mages turned out, Varric." Fenris doesn't like me it seems.

"She's the Inquisitor! She's saving the damn world, Broody. Helping people."

"Power corrupts-"

"She's been fair from what I've heard." Hawke interrupts and sits down. "While you've been focusing on slavers I did some travelling around and heard some stuff." Oh so they _were_ separated. I wonder why it changed.

"I... I'm trying to make this a better world."

"Anders was too." Damn, he's bitter. Understandably so, but... oh well.

"I don't know much about him, but I'm my only person; I'm not sharing a body with another soul, or spirits, or whatever. I have good friends who help me, who guide me. Some of them are flesh, like Varric here, others are spirits, who _remain_ in the Fade and _want_ to remain there." At least while it's separated. "I don't plan on changing the world by force, but I'll be honest and tell you I'd do it if there was no _other_ way. Just like you kill slavers. There's no other way, is there? They'd just hurt more people if left by themselves."

"What are your plans?" He could destroy me with a look, and not in a good way.

"You do realize I don't have to tell you anything, right?" He doesn't like that, but I didn't expect him to. "I don't own anybody anything. I'm doing all this work because I want to help. This thing?" I pull off my glove and show him the Anchor. "I didn't choose it. But it put a burden on my shoulders that I'm choosing to follow through. This thing controls the Veil, I can close rifts with it. I closed the Breach with it thanks to people who joined me on this path. I could have walked away then, hid somewhere until the shitshow was over, if it ever would have been. But I chose to help. I want a better world. This world hurts and people in it hurt too. You don't like magic, I get that. You have your reasons to distrust mages and power you don't understand, I get that. You're a smart man after all. But you trust her, don't you?" I tilt my head towards Hawke, not taking my eyes from Fenris. "You love her, don't you? She's still a mage. She still controls power you don't understand, you're not a mage. You don't know me, you have no reason to trust me, and I can't force you to. I'd like for you to walk on this path with me, I think we'd do great things for a lot of good people, but you don't have to." I sigh and realize Hawke is looking at me astonished, Varric is smiling and Fenris, well, he's still serious. I can't say if he's less pissed or more.

"So that's the mark bestowed upon you by Andraste." I wince at Hawke's words.

"Tell me you're not Andrastian..." I mumble but she laughs.

"No. I mean, no more than your regular born-into-the-religion kind of Andrastian. I don't visit Chantries if I don't have to. Or pray, for that matter."

"The Herald of Andraste doesn't believe in Andraste." Fenris says. "Sebastian would like to have a few words with you." I can't help snickering.

"Sorry. I've heard about him. Choir-Boy, was it, Varric?" He nods. "I don't think I could stand his preaching."

"You might have to, though." Eh? What's that, Varric?

"What do you mean?"

"He told me in the last letter that he might be offering his support to the Inquisition." Oh, that.

"It wouldn't be me dealing with him. It'd be Josephine."

"Not if he came in person." He smirks.

"You're teasing me." He laughs. "Damn you, Dwarf!" I end up smiling.

"It be fun, you have to admit."

"No... it wouldn't. It'd be torture."

"I know it's hard sometimes," Hawke says, "when he turns everything into religion's perspective. But when things were dark, it gave us hope. And things took dark turns too often in Kirkwall."

"It's not much different around here... the dark moments. My support isn't in religion though, it's in my friends. I... don't think I'd be here without them."

"Friends do keep us alive, don't they?" She chuckles.

"Don't you believe in anything?" Fenris asks, sitting down on the other chair, finally.

"Broody became a bit Andrastian himself after staying so long in Choir-Boy's company." I remember that from the game. It gave him some perspective on life, some comfort. I end up smiling.

"I... believe in a god that doesn't have a gender, doesn't have a form as we comprehend, isn't contained to a house in the Fade or wherever he went after the Golden City became Black. I believe in a god that wants us to do our best, to become the best form of ourselves, that gives us chances to improve, to be better. A god who created everything and everyone in this world and other worlds."

"You think your god created both elves, humans, nugs, everything?" Hawke asks. "That there aren't the Creators of the elves or the Maker?"

"I do." Religion is such a complicated topic. "I think people create religion for two reasons: comfort and control. Comfort of knowing someone watches over them in dark times, who waits something from them so they have a goal; and control over the people who believe and the people who don't. Each culture has a religion, because that's how they learned to deal with the world. None of those religions accept each other. Each of them believe to be better than the other, hope to turn the unfaithful to their own faith. I believe past that."

"Hm. Different. Where did you learn to think that way?" Fenris asks.

"I think it's a realization I came to over the years, hearing from many people who believed in different things."

"So you don't believe Corypheus could become god even if he succeeded?" Varric asks and my stomach drops. Right... they're here for Corypheus.

"For a while there I completely forgot he existed. You're here because of him, right?" Hawke nods. "Well, if Corypheus succeeded he'd be a very powerful leader of a cult who'd destroy the world as we know it. That's what I believe. People don't become gods, they can at best become very powerful people. I think that... just as we are a kind of creature, three different kinds as it is, a god would be another one, so we couldn't just turn into some other form of life."

"Shapeshifters can." Hawke tilts her head.

"They change the form of their bodies, not who they are. In essence they're still the same." I sigh.

"What is it, Crystal?"

"I... it's nothing." I force a smile, it's not worth it to worry them. "Morrigan could probably tell you about shapeshifting, Hawke, if she's in the mood. I've heard she can be difficult." I take a deep breath. "So... to business? So you can go face Cassandra and let them enjoy Skyhold?"

"That'd be good. I can't stand this room anymore." Fenris says.

"How long have you been in here?"

"Two days, it shouldn't bother him so much. I guess he's spoiled from travelling around unleashing his rage." Hawke chuckles.

"Giving people their freedom."

"A noble deed." I say with a smile. I wonder if he could accept Solas' plans. "Anyway... Corypheus?"

"Right. We found him in some old ruins, Grey Wardens were after him, along with the Carta. An odd combination. We've fought him, we left him **dead**. He **was** dead. No doubt about it." Hawke explains.

"And then what happened?"

"I don't know. But Varric said he has an Archdemon. Well, the Grey Wardens are going through something; I have a friend in the Order who was looking into something unrelated to me, and he had to go into hiding. He must know what is going on. Wardens then, Wardens now, Archdemon... I wonder what is going on."

"Who is your friend?"

"Alistair Theirin." Fuck. "Do you know him? What am I even saying, who doesn't? The Warden that helped defeat the Fifth Blight." And got the Hero killed.

"Yeah... I've heard of him. So... you know where to find him?"

"He's around the region of Crestwood. I'll recognize the signs when I get there so I can lead you."

"Is he the one the Grey Wardens are chasing for the past... what... three months or so?"

"Probably."

"We should leave soon. I still have things to take care of for the next couple of days, but we'll be leaving soon. Varric, you should prepare the chapter and see Cassandra. She doesn't hate you as much as before, but she'll be mad for sure. I don't want you two arguing when we leave." I stand up. "Hawke, Fenris, you can see if Harritt, our blacksmith, can make something you like while we're here. He's very skilled." Actually... "Actually, I'm going there now, if you two want to come with me? Let Varric deal with his mess?"

"Abandoning me, are you?"

"Sorry. You two really should get it off your systems, you know?" He tilts his head and frowns. "Er... work it out? Come to an understanding?"

"Oh. I don't think I'll be able to get anything into her thick head though."

"You're the best storyteller I know, you can convince anyone."

"There's a limit, Crystal. And I'm afraid she's that limit." He sighs.

"Whatever happens, count on me, Varric. But I have to go."

"Yes, go do your Inquisitor's work. I'll be fine."

"I mean it."

"I know." He gives me a smile and I nod at him.

"You two are staying or coming?"

"Coming." They say in unison and I almost laugh.

And with that we leave for the Undercroft. I hope not to find Cassandra on the way. That'd be... complicated.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm sorry if there were any inconsistencies, I'm suspecting there are a few. My head hasn't been great lately because of the issues and I'm kind of forgetting what I have already done in the story. I was trying to re-read and take notes so I wouldn't continue the story with something wrong but I couldn't do it for the whole story yet.  
> Don't worry, if there are inconsistencies I'll fix them eventually, once I finish re-reading and taking those notes.  
> I'm not sure I'll get another chapter here before 2018 is over, under the circumstances it seems unlikely, so... Happy New Year!

**Author's Note:**

> If you feel like it, leave comments, I would like to know your opinion. (By now, 24.10.2018, I'm completely spoiled and comments brighten my day, please leave one? :3)  
> If you want to chat, send me a mail: crystal.grace.fics@gmail.com  
> The fic now has a banner, check chapter 1 :3


End file.
